Monday, November 29, 2010

Kim Zolciak Re-Lists Her Wig Storage Facility in Duluth

SELLER: Kim Zolciak
LOCATION: Duluth, GA
PRICE: $499,000
SIZE: 3,396 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Housing prices continue to drop like flies and celebrities (and quasi celebrities) aren't immune to the sorry state of the economy. One of those homes on the asking price downward spiral is the Duluth, GA townhouse of Real Housewive's of Atlanta's resident wig wearing wonder Kim Zolciak.

Miz Zolciak–who claims to be 32 but, let's be honest chickens, looks like a 40+ year old drag queen with a butt load of Botox up in her face–recently traded in both her married sugar daddy Big Poppa and her lesbian lover DJ Tracy Young for 25-year old professional football player Kroy Biermann. The horned-up mommy of two tweenaged gurls met her new man/boy-friend during a charity event dance contest during which she and about a million other people including Your Mama were unable to take their eyes off of his impossibly firm, Alaska-sized backside. Not long after the dance contest thingambobber, the lovebirds hooked up in short order Mister Beirmann put a baby up in Miz Zolciak. The two were recently engaged and Your Mama sincerely wishes Miz Zolciak a world of be-wigged and wedded bliss even though we fear that as Your Mama's boozy b.f.f. Fiona Trambeau always says about such tawdry romantic situations: "This can only end in tears, this can only end in tears"

Her new bun in the oven may or may not have something to do with Miz Zolciak's renewed interest in selling her townhouse. Back in the summer of 2009, the wannabe pop star who can't carry a tune to save her damn life listed her 3-story townhouse with an asking price of $568,700. No one stepped up to sign the deed on the dotted line and eventually she took the townhouse off the market. Miz Zolciak recently re-listed her upgraded and professionally decorated residence with a much lower asking price of $499,000, not much more than the $486,000 she paid for the place back in January of 2006.

Current listing information shows the townhouse, smashed up between to other townhouses, spans 3,396 square feet and includes 3 bedrooms and 3.5 poopers. Miz Zolciak and her real estate people decided that on this trip to the real estate rodeo they would attempt use her "celebrity" to assist in the marketing of the townhouse. Not only does the listing declare that this is a "REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ATLANTA LUXURY TOWNHOUSE," one of the listing photos shows Miz Zolciak posed on a tufted bench in her bordello-ish boo-dwar in a pair of ripped up jeans, a frilly rose colored blouse, an inch of pancake make-up and, natch, one of her many faux blond manes.

Even worse, quite frankly, than the photo of Miz Zolciak herself, is the listing photo of the formal dining area where two gigantic photographs of Miz Zolciak and her prodigious cleavage hang on the wall behind the table. Oh hell no. Hunny, pleeze. Who does that? Seriously, what is the psychology that leads someone to actually say to their assistant Lo-teesha Rideabicycle, "Can you call the handyman to come over hang up a couple over-sized professional framed photographs of me with my titties hanging out up in the dining room?"

Listen Miz Zolciak, despite our better judgment we sort of like you. We marvel at your complete disregard for decorum and we can't help but to admire your ought to be deeply embarrassing efforts to have a singing career even though you sound like a damn walrus in heat. However, we must draw the line somewhere and that line is gigantic "glam" photographs of yourself hanging on the wall in the dining room. Trust us when we tell you that with the possible exception of your new baby daddy Kroy nobody–least of all your children–wants to eat a pie from Pizza Hut while looking up at your bustin' boobies. Please don't do this in whatever new house or condo or townhouse you end up moving to, okay? Promise Your Mama you won't do that.

Anyhoo, other amenities and luxuries of Miz Zolciak's lair include a double height foyer, 10-foot ceilings coffered ceiling in the main living areas on the ground floor, fireplace, hardwood and wall to wall carpeted floors, a gore-may kitchen with granite counter tops and a breakfast bar, a separate office, exercise room, family room, second floor laundry room, an over-sized master bedroom with sitting area and spa-style pooper, a small fenced patio with irrigation system and waterfall, and custom fitted closets with wig storage nooks. (Okay, Your Mama don't know know that there are wig storage nooks in Miz Zolciak's closet, but we like to think there are and if there ain't there ought to be.)

Unfortunately for Miz Zolciak, there are at least two other townhouses with identical layouts in her gated complex in suburban Atlanta that are currently listed with much lower price tags of $445,000 and $400,000, a sorry situation that indicates Miz Zolciak may have to come down even lower off her price iffin she's really serious about finding someone to take her townhouse off her freaky French tipped hands.

For photos of Miz Zolciak's crib go here, here and here.

26 comments:

Anonymous said...

When a 20 million mansion sells for 2 million then we have seen the bottom

when will this miracle happen ???? god knows

:}

avg joe

Anonymous said...

I'm surprised her entire neighborhood hasn't vacated at a loss to get as far from this idiot as humanly possible!

Anonymous said...

A walrus in heat? Mama, you're being too kind.

**Smile** said...

It's a really nice home, but home prices need to lower to benefit the average home buyer. The crown's over the bed, over the top, lol. Hope it was a kid's bedroom and not hers. BTW I've never heard of her, nice color schemes though :)

Anonymous said...

Walrus in heat was hil-larious, Mama!

I thought she renovated one of the kid's bedrooms? Are those old photos?

Anonymous said...

In Australia we don't have any of these housewives of wherever shows.
Is this the lucky country, or what?
The Aussie

Brooke said...

I googled Kim Zolciak's bathroom and found this link : http://straightfromthea.com/2010/01/05/a-look-inside-kim-zolciaks-crib-photos/

It appears the photos are the same as in the listing.

MarkyMark said...

All you can do is look at the pictures and laugh. But count your blessings, and least there wasn't a stipper-pole visible in the bedroom. Andy Cohen has so much to answer for...

Anonymous said...

Zillow has sales from 6 months ago at $300k

Prices have fallen since then.

This pile isn't worth more than $200k max.

More like $150k

I'd bet that it'll go back to the bank eventually.

Barney said...

Howdy Everyone........

New to posting here, but not reading the WONDERFUL blog you have, Mama.....LUUUUU UUUUUUU UUUUUUUV IT!

Anyway.....this PILE of SHITE is in perfect keeping with the BALD, POLYESTER, CLINICALLY DELUSIONAL WHORE that the owner is. And, the fact the all those ABYSMAL "Housewife" shows are as popular as they have been (and GOD HELP US ALL, STILL ARE) makes me wish that I had the moolah to MOVE us (my huzband) and our four-footed kid to ANOTHER DAMN COUNTRY. Makes my blood run cold :-(((

Dawned said...

I love the decor in the house. Big Pappa probably paid a pretty penny for the interior designer, and the furniture.

Babe Parish said...

that decor is straight outta Yoville. please don't ask me how i know this. xoxo

Anonymous said...

She's single-handedly lowering property values in her gated complex.

dolly said...

Paragraphs 5 & 6 - you are BACK, Mama. L.O.L.

Anonymous said...

"looks like a 40+ year old drag queen" is an insult to drag queens, everywhere,at any age.

Anonymous said...

Good lord, why can't I snag a man like that? That is one good looking football player. What in heaven's name does he see in her? Oh well, as Patsy Kline would sing,"I've got your picture, but she's got you."

Anonymous said...

$300K sales don't seem to be fully comparable. One is a possible foreclosure, and the other is bit out of the way. The truly comparable sales were $340K and $348K in March and April. One of them was smaller size townhouse. I am thinking after 7 months, hers is worth $310-$330.

Anonymous said...

I have never read anything so degrading. Get some writing skills. I know people like to write about celebrities but just remember they are people too. They have families too. I am not a fan or know her. IF you can't help a person then get out of their way.

Gregory said...

I live in Atlanta and these far flung suburban cookie cutter condos are the kind of things recent college grads buy as starter homes. NOTHING upscale about it. I always laugh when the show portrays her "wealth" but then shows the exterior of this ho hum abode. She's lucky if she gets 250K for it.

June said...

I always wondered what a whorehouse would look like.

Now I know.

Thank you.

Jeannified said...

Good Lord! The decor...Ugh!

Yes, I am from Atlanta too, although I no longer live there. This is definitely the type of place a college graduate would buy as a starter home. As a matter of fact, my sister's ex-boyfriend owned one...his first home, obviously.

Steve Mawson said...

ANONYMOUS ARRIBA...now really, your critique of Mama is a sad indictment of your own lack of writing skills. Best you get back to watchin' "Trailer-Home Housewives Who'll Always Be More Interesting Than You" !

Steve Mawson again said...

good god, I've just looked Kory Barfmann up on the interplunk and she has as bad taste in picking a partner as she does in choosing her decor... fugly !!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Probably covered in nicotine!! Eiw! She smokes IN the house constantly on the show.

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sharon cullen said...
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