Thursday, August 5, 2010

Mario Lopez Gets a New Crib to Go With His New Crib

BUYER: Mario Lopez
LOCATION: Glendale, CA
PRICE: $1,940,000
SIZE: 4,430 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 6 bathroom

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Strap on your safety belts butter beans because Your Mama is on a bit of a tear this morning.

Child actor turned tee-vee presenter, book writer, and spokesperson Mario Lopez is the next in a too long list of celebrities and quasi-celebrities to get a reality show simply because they're having a damn baby. Lo-word have mercy childrne, it's as if having a baby were some sort of rare occurrence even though millions of women do it every damn day without a television crew filming it for national tee-vee.

See puppies, apparently the politically conservative Mister Lopez is making babies out of wedlock with his long time ladee-friend, a Broadway dancer named Courtney Mazza, and they're going to get paid the medium bucks to let the VH1 cameras follow them around while they change dirty diapers, make stoopid faces at their infant, and fret over every little hiccup the thing makes.

Oh, yippee! That sounds just thrilling, don't it? Why do people think the details of their infant childrens' lives are so interesting to other people? News flash: They aren't. People just pretend to be interested in your baby's crap schedules and feeding habits and then go home and complain about it to anyone who will listen about how boring y'all have become since you've had a damn baby. And don't even think about showing your gawd damn birth video to anyone. We get it, a child is a kind of miracle and all that, but your friends don't really want to see that. Seriously. For reals. They don't. Think about it. Do you really want to see your co-worker or sister pass a bloody, bowling ball sized thing through her cho-chuh? No, of course you don't. Jeezis, Mary and Jehosephat we need a nerve pill just thinking of that.

In all fairness to Mister Mario Lopez, who seems like a nice enough guy even though he's (allegedly) had trouble keeping his wing-wang in his pants in the past, he's said he intends to to the right thing and make an honest woman of his baby momma and that–surprise!–the wedding may be a part of his new reality show.

Smooth chested Mister Mario Lopez–who, thank y'all very much, has the ripped out body of a gay porn star–played the ethnic hunk on Saved by the Bell in the early 1990s and graduated to a lead role in 1997 as Olympic diver Greg Louganis in his television movie life story. Even before appearing on Dancing With the Stars in 2006 where he began a two year romance with his partner Karina Smirnoff or taking on the full time hosting duties of the celebrity gossip fest Extra in 2008, the very congenial and smiley Mister Mario Lopez was a much sought after host for programs such as The Other Half with Danny Bonaduce–a depressing display meant to be the testosterone fueled version of the estrogen party that is The View–and a slew of those mortifying and embarrassing Miss Teen USA and Miss America pageants.

In 2008 Mister Mario Lopez made his Broadway debut in the revival of Chorus Line and currently, in addition to his hosting duties on Extra, he hosts America's Best Dance Crew, MTV's Top Pop Group, and TV's Dating Factory. He also writes books about fitness and diet and gets paid to be the spokesperson for some drink we've never heard of that claims to burn calories. When Mister Mario Lopez had time to knock up his ladee-friend we don't know, but knock her up he did.

Anyhoodles poodles, in anticipation of baby and reality show, Mister Mario Lopez recently splashed out $1,940,000 for new crib in the Los Angeles suburb of Glendale, CA where he and his baby momma Miss Mazza can put their baby's new crib. According to property records (and previous reports), Mister Mario Lopez and Miss Mazza will be raising their love child in a very privately situated and historically landmarked 12-room Spanish style house in the foothills of Glendale, CA. The tax man's records and listing information Your Mama teased out of the interweb shows the Lopez/Mazza digs measure 4,430 square feet and include 4 bedrooms and 6 poopers.

A long driveway leads from the street down to an electronically controlled gate that swings open to a tight motor court where there is three car garage. A courtyard with gurgling fountain separates the motor court from the front door of the fully renovated house that was originally built in 1929 and sprawls across 5 tax parcels that total just under an acre of land.

Listen butter beans, listing photos show the out-dated and uninspired day-core of the previous owner so we're not going to discuss all that and just cross our fingers that Mister Mario Lopez has the good damn sense to hire a nice, gay decorator to do up his new digs in an appropriate and tasteful manner and not, heaven help us all, like one of those tacky all-beige hot messes that so many people seem to like to install in their multi-million dollar suburban houses.

The interior spaces of Mister Mario Lopez's new home includes a formal living room with ebonized hardwood floors, arched windows and doorways, fireplace, and city lights views towards the small cluster of towers in downtown Glendale. Decorative wrought iron gates with a snail spiral pattern separate the formal living room from the oval shaped formal dining room that has a decorative tile baseboard, a trio of arched leaded glass windows and a large chandelier constructed of a tangle of twigs. Those windows, we hope, are original to the house, but Your Mama, who can get wild with claustrophobia, would much prefer to be able to see through those windows.

Listing information indicates the adjacent and somewhat oddly shaped eat-in kitchen was recently remodeled and appears to Your Mama to include travertine floors, granite counter tops, chestnut colored cabinetry with simple raised panel doors, and a full suite of black fronted Viking brand appliances. One entire, dizzying, and visually complicated wall in the kitchen is fitted with two refrigerators, three ovens, a warming drawer and a microwave, or what we think is a microwave. Additional rooms in this old house include an office/den and a family room with fireplace and arched French doors that open out into the extensive patios are gardens.

In addition to the master bedroom that has a brand new pooper and a balcony overlooking a courtyard, there are 3 additional family bedrooms, a newly remodeled guest house tucked back behind the garage with kitchen and bath, and a separate pool house.

Mexican paver tiled terraces with lovely views wrap around the "U" shaped house and surround the free form swimming pool located on a large flat area tucked into the hillside. The land below the swimming poll and pool house is terraced like rice paddy fields and should provide for some secluded spots where Mister Mario Lopez and his baby momma Miss Mazza can escape the prying eyes of the camera crews they've invited to be in their home day after day after day.

According to property records Mister Mario Lopez has owned a 4,387 square foot house in the foothills of Burbank, CA since June of 2004 when he forked over $1,350,000 for the 5 bedroom and 5 pooper property. Records also show that he also owns a second house in Burbank, not so far from the other, with 3 bedrooms and 3 poopers that he bought way back in 1994 for $238,000. Your Mama does not know who occupies this house but since Mister Lopez is a man who loves his family, we would not be the least bit surprised to learn that his parents live there. Or maybe he just rents it out for income. Who knows?

Although we don't expect that we'll watch more than once, we do plan on tuning in this fall to Mister Lopez's upcoming reality show in order to check out how he and the not-yet Missus Lopez do up the day-core. We are hoping for the best but, for some reason that we can't explain, expecting the worst.

listing photos: Arbitrage Real Estate Group via Redfin

14 comments:

Miss Cookie Divine said...

OMFG that is the WORST kitchen I have ever seen! NERVE PILLS! NERVE PILLS! That house, which looks sweet from the outside, needs a total interior DNC! Now that you smacked us on our heads with the UGLY STICK, Mama dearest, can we see someting PRETTY?

Anonymous said...

Sr. and Sra. Lopez:

Your new 1920s home is lovely, and will require authentic lighting for filming your precious bundle of reality joy. Do swap out the twiggy lighting fixture in your dining room, and replace it with a hand-forged wrought iron chandelier, twice the diameter in inches that the room measures in feet.

Con un beso,
Hedda

Anonymous said...

Mama regularly makes me LOL, but Miss Cookie Devine, please know that I'm still LOL minutes after reading your comment. So nice that even us Commenters can add humor to Mama's communications. In this crazy world, we need all the daily doses of the laughter medicine we can each find day to keep ourselves from going mad. That twig chandelier and for sure that horrendous wall of black appliances is enough to put one over the cliff. Cheers to all!

Anonymous said...

Two frigidaires, two ovens, and two mivcrowaves: is it a kosher kitchen for separating meat and dairy?

Rabbi Hedda LaTess

miss margo said...

I love the house,yes it needs updating...the kitchen is crap but the arched doorways and windows are fabulous.A good gay decorator will do this house sooooo much good.My problem with the place is it doesn't look very kid friendly to me for someone about to have a baby...Let us start with the pool,if baby survives the unfenced pool then maybe he can toddle down and down and down those steep terraces in the back yard?Maybe back cliff would be more appropriate.Seems to be lots of steps and not even a spot for a swing set for little Mario II.This might be one of those just for the reality show I'm buying this house tricks like that buffoon Scott Baio pulled when he did that boring show about himself and his worn out penis.

Tee said...

I thought the same thing as Miss Margo- not very child friendly at all.
Mama, your commentary made me laugh & laugh & laugh....

Aunt Gina said...

looks like chez Zorro.

Jeannified said...

Beautiful house...the comment about the kosher kitchen made me laugh, but also made me wonder if some Jewish folks who "kept kosher" sold the house to Mario.

That pool DOES make me worry for little Mario II, as well.

Anonymous said...

How cute, a new home for his beard and the little baby beard:)

Anonymous said...

I always wondered why he could never make it in movies or in a TV series. He appears to simply host things and earn a bit more doing work that someone really successful would avoid. I can't say I would expect much taste in decoration from him, but he will probably turn that over to someone else. We can hope for the best.

Mrs. Evelyn Crawley said...

that there kitchen looks like the appliance display down at our local Sears! Y'all ain't right out there in La La land, you know that?

Anonymous said...

Hey Mama, you forgot to mention Mario's appearnace(s) on the Nip/Tuck where we got to see his deeelishus bum-bum.

gregory said...

I thought he, you know, played for the other team.

christopher nolan said...

looking good property.
Swimming pool is cool