Natasha Bedingfield Buys a Better Place in Los Angeles

BUYER: Natasha Bedingfield
LOCATION: De Mille Drive, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $2,300,000
SIZE: 4,792 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 5.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: ...Limestone and walnut flooring casts notes of elegance and luxury throughout this sleek, freshly-"done", pristine Modern villa behind the gates of storied Laughlin Park. There's room enough for all: 4 bedrooms; 5.5 baths; media & family rooms; bar; gym; office; detached guest house over 3-car garage with gated motor court; swimmer's pool; spa; luxuriant foliage everywhere.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: We don't listen to much mainstream pop music so Your Mama wouldn't know a song by the Jonas Brothers or that too-big-for-her-britches Miley Cyrus gurl if it came and knocked on our front door and said, "Hi, I'm a pop song." However, every now and again we catch wind a song playing on some radio station in some shop somewhere and it enters our lexicon of auditory guilty pleasures. Included on that list is anything by Neil Diamond, Christina Aguilera's Beautiful and British songbird Natasha Bedingfield's Pocketful of Sunshine. We cain't help it, that song just tickles the marrow in our bones and we love singing it at the top of our lungs right along with Miss Bedingfield.

Anyhoo, this is all a roundabout way of letting the children know that the Grammy nominated Miss Bedingfield recently forked over $2,300,000 for a new crib in Los Angeles. Presumably this is the residence where Miss Bedingfield will live in wedded bliss with her new documentary filmmaker huzband Matt Robinson. Located on De Mille Drive in the historic and gated Laughlin Park neighborhood in Los Feliz, Miss Bedingfield's new West Coast domicile measures in at 4,792 square feet and includes 5 bedrooms and 4.5 poopers in the main house and another terlit in the (approx.) 400 square foot guest house that sits atop the 3-car garage and next to the swimming pool.

The property was first listed way back in January of 2008 with an optimistic asking price of $4,495,000. However, with no buyers willing to pay that price and the real estate market sinking like quicksand, the asking price was sliced and diced all the way down to $2,495,000 before Mister and Missus Bedingfield swooped in and snatched it up for $2,300,000.

The home is entered on the top floor where the front door opens directly into the limestone floored open plan living, dining, and kitchen area. The living room space includes a fireplace and opens through two wood-framed sliding glass doors to a slim balcony overlooking the backyard two full floors below. The recently rehabbed kitchen has been fitted with blond striated wood cabinetry topped with some sort of white counter top that may or may not be Corian or Ceasarstone. All the appliances look sufficiently high end and Euro including the double ovens and the cook top with the parabolic glass and stainless steel venting hood.

At one end of the living room is a small bedroom (that does not appear to have a closet) and a pooper and shower for guests. At the other end is one of two master suites which includes a lengthy 30-foot long bedroom, a bedroom-sized custom fitted walk-in closet and a limestone, glass and tile pooper done up in every shade of beige known to mankind. One flight of stairs leads down to a family room with a second modern and mantel-free fireplace, another slim balcony accessed through a pair of wood-framed sliding glass doors, and some gor-gee-us walnut wood flooring. Honestly chickens, we'd have preferred to see this walnut flooring on the top floor as well. We think it would have anchored the otherwise gauzy and monochromatic rooms that are going to take a skilled and nice gay decorator to warm and cozy up. A second, smaller master bedroom with a good sized pooper and a walk in closet sits at one of the family room at at the other two additional bedrooms share a bathroom. One of the bedrooms is long, narrow, oddly configured and, unfortunately, must be passed through to get to the laundry room making it only usable as a storage space, craft room or perhaps an office. No child or guest needs the homeowner's laundress tramping through their bedroom in order to do a load of whites.

One more flight of stairs goes down to a media room and bar that share a half pooper. The high ceilinged media room has been wallpapered in grass cloth (good for the acoustics?) and opens to a narrown terrace that spills down to the simple and pretty rectangular swimming pool and spa that has a simple limestone coping surrounded by a patch of unnaturally green grass. Thank heavens for the adjacent guest house and pooper because Your Mama would surely have a damn heart attack getting back up to one of the guest rooms to do our dirty bidness. Iffin we were Mister and Missus Bedingfield, which of course we are not, we'd install an illegal kitchen in that guest house so that we could keep a poolside stash of gin, tonic, limes, ice and candy. We'd also stick a day bed in there because after a long afternoon paddling around in the pool with a tumbler of booze we'd be hard pressed to make up back up all them stairs without busting up our ankle or breaking our damn neck. But Miss Bedingfield is young, fit and nimble so we don't imagine that will be a problem for her or her new Mister.

Even more stairs lead down from the pool deck to the walled and gated motor court. It's really lovely to have a three car garage and a motor court to park 3 or 4 more automobilies, but let's be honest, who's going to park down there when it's four lung busting and glute ripping flights of stairs up to the main living spaces? Not Your Mama nor the Dr. Cooter and certainly not our demanding house gurl Svetlana who would insist we install a funicular to haul the groceries up from the back of her vintage Datsun B-210.

The lovely and leafy Laughlin Park neighborhood has long been favored by famous folks and previous residents have includes such luminaries as Cecil B. DeMille, W.C. Fields, Charlie Chaplin and Carole Lombard. Nowadays, residents include Tinseltown types like Jenna and Bodhi Elfman, and Casey Affleck and Summer Phoenix, and Natalie Portman who recently dumped $3,250,000 on a nearby house with a long history of celebrity ownership.

Welcome to Hollywood Miss Bedingfield.

Is Karl Rove Leaving Washington D.C.?

SELLER: Karl Rove
LOCATION: Weaver Terrace NW, Washington D.C.
PRICE: $1,585,000
SIZE: 4,529 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 4.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Ideally located 5 bedroom, 4.5 bathroom Federal with grand entertaining spaces, main floor Family Room, spectacular Living Room w/ beautiful built-ins, a wonderful Library, sunny Kitchen w/ brand new appliances and sep. Breakfast Room, formal Dining Room, incredible Master Suite, private rear patio, expansive yard, and Garage Parking.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: We're a little late to the rodeo on this one darlings but we're still gonna discuss the Washington D.C. residence Republican bigwig Karl Rove recently listed with an asking price of $1,585,000.

Mister Rove has been a highly influential operative in the Republican party for many years but did not become a household name (or a lightening rod for liberals) until hired by former president George Dubya Bush as his Senior Advisor and Deputy Chief of Staff, a lackluster title that does not adequately express the vast power and influence he wielded in Washington and a position from which he resigned in August of 2007 amid some scandal over emails and the improper dismissal of several U.S. Attorneys. Since leaving his employ at the White House, Mister Rove has worked as a political analyst for Newsweek, The Wall Street Journal and, not surprisingly, Fox News.

Property records show Mister Rove and his wifey Darby paid $799,000 for his Washington D.C. residence on Weaver Terrace NW way back in January of 2001 when he first moved east to work for Dubya. Records and listing information show the three story, brick built Federal style house measures 4,529 square feet and includes a 1-car garage, 5 bedrooms and 4.5 Republican poopers.

After squeezing through the oddly placed front door and climbing up a flight of stairs, we find a wood-floored living room lined with built-in bookshelves that are chock-a-block full of actual books, walls painted a soft celadon, simple celery colored curtains, a footstool covered in red and white toile in front of the fireplace and a couple of yellow floral sofas that would make chintz queen Mario Buatta wet his pants with glee. There is a formal dining room with a table for eight power players and a sideboard with a silver serving set for extra-special foreign dignitaries. The adjacent kitchen is accessed through a swinging door–oh how we love a swinging door–and has been fitted, according to listing information, with all new stainless stell appliances. A barely there pastel green paint has been applied to the cabinetry which effectively sets off the traditional and black and white checkered floor.

A den or study has been painted periwinkle, features more built in book cases filled with actual books, wood slat blinds and an oil portrait of George Washington that we'd give our pinky toes to have hanging in our office. It appears the family room has been converted to Mister Rove's war room where a dead deer hangs on the white-painted brick wall surrounding the fireplace and at least two of the walls have floor to ceiling built-in book cases filled with–you got in chickens–more books.

Mister Rove's wood-floored boo-dwar has been painted cream and, unfortunately a rather foul shade of peachy-flesh. The children will note even Mister Rove's bedroom has built-in bookshelves filled with books. Clearly this man likes to read. Although we find his particular brand of fear-based politics repugnant, we do admire and respect his voracious appetite for books. So few people read anymore. Anyhoo, like Mister Rove's boo-dwar, his 1980s looking private pooper has been painted a lighter but still foul and unfortunate peachy-flesh color. These colors, of course, are quickly and easily fixed.

The back of the house opens to a slate terrace which in turn leads up a few steps to a large lawn area large enough to run a medium sized pooch. We don't know if Mister Rove has a canine, but we might like him a teensy bit better if he did.

Previous reports indicate Mister Rove maintains a couple of small cottages in Austin, TX –where he votes but may or may not actually live–and records reveal he also owns a beach house in Rosemary Beach, Flaw-ree-duh, an area once known as the Redneck Riviera. The Roves bought the property in November of 2002 for just $165,000 and proceeded build themselves a 2,578 square foot house with 4 bedrooms, 3 poopers and a two story carriage house separated from the main house by a small courtyard with a fountain.

A Little New York City Floor Plan Porn

SELLER: Richard O. Ullman
LOCATION: 15 Central Park West, New York City, NY
PRICE: rumored to be $55,000,000
SIZE: 5,610 square feet, 4 bedrooms 5.5 bathrooms (plus 1 bedroom and 1 bathroom staff room)
DESCRIPTION: This spectacular terraced penthouse comprising 5,600 square feet of living space including 4 exquisitely appointed bedrooms and 6.5 marble bathrooms is located in the most prestigious building on Central Park West. The apartment features panoramic views of Central Park and the Manhattan skyline and includes high ceilings, an extraordinary layout, grand proportions, magnificent entertainment spaces, the finest of finishes and exquisite architectural details throughout.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Over the last several months there has been much ballyhoo, brouhaha and spilled ink over a somewhat mysterious doo-plex condo at the ritzy Robert A.M. Stern designed building at 15 Central Park West in New York City rumored to be quietly listed at an astronomical asking price above $75,000,000. Perhaps some of the children have been reading the scuttlebutt about the apartment in the New York newspapers along with Your Mama.

Here's what's been happening...Back in March of 2008 a wildly wealthy pharmaceutical benefits bigwig named Richard O. Ullman forked over $23,500,000 for a 5,610 square foot unit on the 18th and 19th floors of the pre-war wannabe building that in 2007 and early 2008 was the epicenter of high-priced real estate in New York City. Financial titans like Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein and former Citigroup CEO Sandy Weill bought big apartments along with famous folks like Oscar winning actor Denzel Washington, NASCAR fat cat Jeff Gordon and tantric sex practitioners Sting and Trudie Styler.

Mister Ullman, who sold his company National Prescriptions Administrators in 2002 for more than half a billion bucks, never moved into the 4 bedroom and 5.5 pooper property which also includes a staff bedroom and pooper located, natch, off the service hall. It's not, chickens, that Mister Ullman didn't move in because he caught a case of real estate cold feet after closing on the apartment but rather that he possesses a pair of ridiculously large real estate cajones. Just months after signing on the dotted line rumors started to swirl and slip down the gossip grapevine that Mister Ullman was flipping the apartment back on to the market with an unabashed and undeniably greedy asking price more than triple what he paid for the place. The two-floor terraced unit over looking Central Park didn't pop up on the open market but it was widely thought to be quietly available for a not so quiet price of $75,000,000.

If Your Mama is being honest, and we always are, it puzzles and perplexes Your Mama how Mister Ullman's real estate agent managed to muster the jaw dropping audacity to utter such an insanely large number with a straight face to other real estate agents or prospective buyers because, you know, it makes us giggle and guffaw with aghast to even think of the steel nerve it takes to buy and flip an apartment back on the market just a few months after closing at three or four times the price paid without so much as having replaced a fixture or painted a wall. Not surprisingly, the apartment languished unloved and unwanted, a lonely suite of rooms doomed to be the ass-end of many jokes and the poster child for the sort of uncurbed, unrestrained and ravenous real estate avarice that ran rampant in Manhattan the previous few years.

After months of speculation and whispering about whether the apartment really is or is not for sale and at what bank account draining price, the dee-luxe doo-plex has finally hit the open market. While listing agent Dolly Lenz, real estate über-agent and She-Ra of the 12 Blackberries, endeavors to keep the asking price an ancient Chinese secret by marking the number as "Price Upon Request," the tireless real estate writers at The New York Times recently revealed the asking price is believed by real estate insiders to be around $55,000,000 with, according to listing information, monthly fees of $8,600. It does not take any flicking of the well worn beads on Your Mama's bejeweled abacus to see that although the (alleged) asking price is far lower than it (allegedly) used to be, it is still a ballsy, brave and hair raising number considerably more than twice what Mister Ullman paid just over one year ago.

Let's take a spin through the place to see what sort of condo Mister Ullman and Miz Lenz think is worth fifty-five million clams in a not particularly brisk market in which many of the potential buyers of trophy properties are sitting on the sidelines and keeping their purse strings tightly pulled.

After an elevator ride that does not conclude with a private landing, one passes through the front door and into a small vestibule with a coat closet on the left and a lounge and windowless powder pooper on the right. Your Mama can't imagine what use this "lounge" might have in a private apartment but in the event there is ever a line to use the terlit there is, thankfully, plenty of space to accommodate. The vestibule leads to a large foyer with a herringbone patterned wood floors and a ceiling fixture that looks suspiciously similar to the one the super installed in the rent controlled 2-bedroom apartment on the Lower East Side of Manhattan Your Mama occupied before marrying up and moving into a downtown doo-plex with the Dr. Cooter. On the left is a sweeping staircase that rises to the private quarters and to the right a library that opens through two sets of pane-less French doors to the 1,000+ square foot terrace that runs the width of the lower floor of the apartment.

Straight through the foyer is the sizable 600 square foot living room which features a featureless fireplace and two more pane-less French doors that provide access to the terrace which rather dramatically hangs over Central Park and provides stellar views of the posh apartment towers that line Fifth Avenue and Central Park South. A second small vestibule separates the living room from the dining room and contains an actual closet as well as a booze closet for whetting one's whistle. Adjacent to the dining room and also connected to the foyer by a short hall is the kitchen/breakfast/family room which, quite frankly, isn't any bigger or more finely finished than the set up Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter have in our far less expensive crib on the West Coast. In fact, we'd bet our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly and our sour-faced pussy Sugar that our kitchen is not only nicer than this one, but was also more expensive. We're not bragging children, we're saying that for $55,000,000 the kitchen ought to be knock down spectacular and this one just ain't. Beyond the kitchen is the service hall and civilized sized staff suite which, to Mister A.M. Stern's credit is actually large enough that the owner's live-in house gurl won't feel like she's stuck up in a cell at the Bedford Hills Correctional Facility for Women.

The second floor is accessible by a Norma Desmond style staircase in the foyer and, for the lazy folks, by a private elevator that lifts a person from the hallway between the foyer and the kitchen up into the upper foyer. Two family bedrooms, each with a marble encrusted private pooper, face the building's courtyard and can be seen into by anyone with eyes who happens to be living on the other side of the courtyard on an higher floor. A third bedroom, shown as a guest room on the floor plan, also offers an all marble private pooper and small closet and dressing area. A second entrance and small laundry room are tucked away near the guest room.

The master suite is comprised of an entrance hall, large bedroom with a trio of windows looking over the park, four walk-in closets, three additional closets, two marble bathrooms including one with a park view soaking tub and separate shower, and a private study/exercise room that is, the children will note, larger than the house gurl's bedroom downstairs.

The rooms are simple white boxes with wood floors that wait patiently for the owner to hire up a smart architect and a small army of nice gay decorators to work their magic. This is all well and good because, let's be honest, most ridiculously rich people often do a re-do on the fancy apartments they buy, but for fifty-five million smackers the lack of detail in this apartment is, well, inexcusable. For $55,000,000 Your Mama wants a meticulously and perfectly completed mansion in the sky that is not only move in ready with a paneled library but comes complete with on-call terlit attendants and a 24/7 ger-may chef to whip up box cakes and baby back ribs at a moment's notice. But alas...

In an effort to lighten his real estate portfolio, Mister Ullman also has a 4 bedroom, 4,415 square foot, 44th floor apartment at the Trump International on Central Park West on the market with an asking price of $18,450,000. Your Mama wishes the healthcare honcho all the luck in the world selling his high-priced pads because iffin anyone were to ask us, and of course no one did, we think he's gonna need it at these prices.

The Hooligan of English Fashion Lists East London House

SELLER: Alexander McQueen
LOCATION: Cadogan Terrace, East London, UK
PRICE: £1,700,000
SIZE: 2,957 square feet, 2-3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: The house is laid out over 4 floors offering unique features throughout which also extends to the private garden. Extremely spacious accommodation comprising fully fitted kitchen/dining room, lounge and study area, 2/3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms (including wet room) and walk in dressing area. There is also a huge roof terrace offering panoramic views.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: During our convalescence over the last weekend Your Mama received a covert communique from a British bloke we'll call Benny Buttermeup who informed us that maverick fashion designer Alexander McQueen had listed his East London house with an asking price of £1,700,000, that's $2,799,849 to all us Amereecanos.

Mister McQueen, for those who do not know, comes from working class roots and as a young lad stitched garments on Saville Row for folks like Prince Charles and Mikhail Gorbachev. After a stint with Italian garmento Romeo Gigli he attended the prestigious Central Saint Martins College of Art and Design where his plucky and unexpected designs earned him the attention of influential fashionistas and led him to the top job at the esteemed House of Givenchy. After five years of causing controversy at the venerable label, Mister McQueen busted out on his own in order to free himself of any of the constraints that come with designing for an historic and grand house. And hog wild he's been ever since. Just have a look-see at his strange and heavenly Fall '09 women's collection which looks like he sent a bunch of doppelgängers of tranny trainwreck Pete Burns out on the runway in elaborately constructed fabric extravaganzas.

Mister McQueen's often controversial, sometimes shocking, always theatrical, challenging and meticulously tailored designs have caused some define him with labels like "on-fahnt tear-ee-blay" and "The Hooligan of English Fashion." We're certain that some of the children are going to whine about how impractical strange most of Mister McQueen's high fashion habiliments are, but one must keep in mind, puppies, that these are not duds one dons to ease on down to the local Applebees for an Pick 'N Pair Lunch Combo after and whittling the day away at the local outlet mall.His outlandish, idiosyncratic and showy take on frocks and frippery has earned him fashion forward fans like Björk, Japanese pop star Ayumi Hamasaki and the late, fashion dynamo Isabella Blow who rather dramatically offed herself in 2007 after a lengthy battle with ovarian cancer. But we digress...

Listing information for Mister McQueen's four floor townhouse across from lively Victoria Park on Cadogan Terrace indicates it measures a spacious 2,957 square feet and provides 2 proper bedrooms (plus a third room which could be used as a bedroom) and 3 poopers including a large number on the lower ground floor (that's the basement kiddies) with something called a "wet room." We're not sure if this simply means a large shower or if this space is intended to be used for some other lurid and lascivious purpose. Perhaps not surprisingly, the interior spaces have been done up, we're told, by Tanzanian born British architect David Adjaye in a minimal and unadorned manner that stands as a stark counterpoint to Mister McQueen's typically flashy and heavily adorned clothing.

The front stoop opens to a ground floor entrance hall that serves as the central traffic hub for the entire house. To the right through a set of glass doors lies the kitchen and dining room area which offers high ceilings, bright white walls, some sort of flooring that looks like terrazzo, a fireplace and a kitchen space with winter white base cabinets and snow white counter tops that floats in the center of the space and, as sleek and clever as it is, looks to Your Mama like something at a futuristic Benihana. Behind the kitchen a spectacular set of floor to ceiling glass doors open to a small terrace that leads to the garden. Down a half flight of stairs from the kitchen/dining room is what the floor plan shows as a second kitchen. We can't conceive why a house this modestly sized would require two kitchens, but it's nice that this one also opens into the large rear garden making for easy-breezy barbecues. Down another half flight, to the lower ground floor, is a large "reception" room, the boiler room and that "wet room," which is still conjuring up images of sordid activities of the sort that makes Your Mama blush.

A half flight up from the entrance hall is an itty bitty cell-sized bedroom with an adjacent pooper the size of Your Mama's linen cabinet and believe us when we tell you our linen cabinet in not very big. Up another half flight is the main living room which has a built-in sectional sofa situation facing a fireplace flanked by built in glass shelves and with a small flat screen tee-vee screen above. The back of the built-in sectional is lined with shelves for books, knick-knacks and other paddy-whacks. The children will note the wonderfully aggressive horned lighting fixtures that Your Mama would choke a horse to have in our own dining room. (Relax, PETA people, we would not really choke a horse, it's just an expression, okay?)

Up yet another half flight of stairs is the commodious master bedroom anchored by a free floating sculptural structure that divides the sleeping area from the spacious pooper that includes a free-floating soaking tub (do we all recognize the theme here with the free floating bits and pieces?), separate shower and private cubicle for the terlit. Off to one side of the bedroom and looking out over the tree tops of Vicky Park, a walk-in and dressing room with custom built-ins houses Mister McQueen's personal wardrobe which is, generally speaking, far less extravagant than those he designs for rich fashion mavens and covetous clothes queens.

Mister McQueen's outdoor spaces include a long and narrow backyard with a modern multi-level deck with a slim channel that cuts through the deck and spills down the steps and into dark bottomed square pond (or pool or hot tub thing). The roof has been decked and planted with low maintenance plants and the sort of glass skylights that can be walked on. This is all very striking and impressive but we're concerned that privacy could be a bit of an issue if there are guests on the roof and Mister McQueen needs to use the terlit.

We won't know what Mister McQueen's real estate plans are until he rings up Your Mama to let us know, so until then we'll assume he's moving to bigger digs. Or maybe he's just bored. Y'all know how those high fashion people need constant stimulation and can (easily) get bored every 20 minutes or so.

Joey Fatone Selling His Own Private Plantantion House

SELLER: Joey Fatone
LOCATION: Kilgore Road, Orlando, FL
PRICE: $5,900,000
SIZE: 12,370 square feet, 6 bedroooms, 8 full and 4 half bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: "Grande Oaks," a 12,000+ sqft privately gated lakefront estate on famous Millionaire's Row. Boasts 6 bedrooms, 6 baths, 4 half baths, home theater (w/ stadium seating), office/study, game room, 10+ car garage, $1M+ resort-style pool, dock/boathouse...

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: After a few days off to take care of some personal matters that are none of any of y'alls bidness we're back in the saddle so to speak and starting the week by heading on down to Orlando, FL where boy bander turned television twinkle towes turned game show host Joey Fatone has listed his sprawling estate with an asking price of $5,900,000.

Mister Fatone was the baritone for the outrageously successful boy band 'N Sync which was originally created and managed by that creepy Lou Pearlman character who is currently serving 25 years in the clink for cheating investers out of three hundred million or so smackers. This was back in the day when times were simpler, when pre-teens, tweens and teens only needed to see a 5 or six freshly scrubbed and polished young men singing in harmony and spinning on their heels to be entertained. Nowadays it takes a bit more cleavage and foul language to do the trick, but that's another discussion for another day. More recently Mister Fatone has appeared on Broadway (Rent and Little Shop of Horrors), came in second place on the enormously popular but terrifically undignified Dancing With the Stars program and currently hosts The Singing Bee, whatever that is.

Property records for Mister Fatone's 4.36 acre lakefront spread on posh Kilgore Road are a bit fuzzy however it appears to our beady little eyes like Mister Fatone probably picked the place up in the August of 2001 for $2,650,000 and shortly thereafter let the cameras from MTV Cribs up in his crib to snoop around in his frige, up in his 53-foot long closet and around the grounds that include a swimming pool complex that listing information indicates cost more than a million clams to construct and makes the one at the Playboy mansion look downright ghetto.

Listing information indicates the 12,370 square foot plantation style pile, which someone has dubbed Grande Oaks, includes 6 bedrooms and 6 full poopers and another 4 half poopers. Can someone explain to Your Mama why there is an "e" at the end of the word "Grand?" Is this meant to imbue as certain kind of elegance? We hope not, because it does not. It's a silly artifice that sets Your Mama off on the wrong foot. In addition to the massive main house, the walled, gated and heavily secured spread includes a second, detached building that Your Mama presumes is the colossal 10 car garage where Mister Fatone keeps one of the KITT cars used on the kitchy 1980s boob-toob series Knight Rider which starred that funky David Hasselhoff guy. Why anyone would want to own a car like that is simply beyond Your Mama's limited capacity of understanding.

A columned portico leads to the front door which open to traditionally de-zined interiors that include a large entrance hall (the children will note how the doors or off-center which is just driving Your Mama all kinds of crazy), formal living and dining room with furniture that looks like it might have been won on the Price Is Right, a paneled office/study with ka-razee red, black and white color block shag wall to wall carpeting, a lurid red sofa, built in book cases that look like they might house all of Mister Fatone's many music awards and, somewhat upsettingly, a built in puppet theater complete with red velvet curtains and gold tasseled trim.

Other rooms, according to listing information include a 30-foot long granite slathered gore-may kitchen with dual refrigerators and ovens, a clubby, paneled home theater room with stadium seating, projection screen and surround sound. Upstairs, in addition to the 4 or 5 bedroom suites there is also a game room/bonus area with a serving bar, a couple of wide balconies for surveying the property and watching the sun sparkle on the lake or spy anyone coming down the drive, and a second laundry room so that Mister and Missus Fatone's Svetlana need not trouble herself with hauling the dirty linens down the elevator to the laundry facilities on the ground floor.

The master suite that includes it's own private entrance vestibule, a sitting room with an adjacent butler's pantry so the Fatones need not schlep down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee or a box of late night candy, a dual-sided fireplace, a sleeping chamber with wood coffered ceiling and some pretty complicated balloon valances, the aforementioned 53-foot long closet/dressing room that features a trio of custom built dressing islands and an utterly obscene marble master bath with separate vanities and terlits, a sauna and a steam room, walk-in shower (aren't all showers walk in showers?), and a gigantic Jacuzzi tub surrounded by skinny columns that has Your Mama reaching for the nerve pills. We think perhaps the nice gay decorator might have been aiming for a Caligula meets Gone With the Wind sort of thing but honestly chickens, it's really an eye-popping sort of uglee ain't it?

The grounds include the mammoth million dollar plus swimming pool complex that includes what we think is a kiddie pool, a beach like entrance on one end and a arching bridge that leads to the grotto area where we find a large orgy friendly spa tucked into a faux-rock cave and an outdoor kitchen/entertaining area with a large grill, fireplace and what we think might be an aquarium. Jutting out into the lake is a long dock with docking facilities including a shed like thing where a small craft can be lifted up out of the water.

Who knows why Mister Fatone wants to sell his lavish and exuberantly appointed property. Perhaps he's grown tired of the water bills and maintenance which we imagine requires full time staff to mow the lawns, clips the hedges, mops the floors, scrub the 10 terlits and all sweep out that garage which is bigger than the entire home of most people. Wherever he may go, Your Mama wishes him and his a happy home.

In The Future...

...comments will have to be approved before publishing. Clearly some of you people can't seem to handle the freedom of an un-moderated comments section without turning it into a depressing and juvenile swamp of imbecilic behavior.

If you don't like it, well puppies, like Rhett Butler said, "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn."

A needed day off

Listen chickens, we're taking the damn day off.

Try to contain your anger or at least di-rect it someplace else because we do not want to hear it or read it in some crazy rant that a couple of you like to send Your Mama.

Why not head over to this Facebook page one of Your Mama's children in the UK set up and have a discussion on the benefits of xeriscaping, why you do or do not eat meat and what color is y'all's favorite color..

We should be back to having a regular interweb connection sometime over the weekend.

Be good and don't make Your Mama have to get out the damn wooden spoon.

Bye.

Brian Austin Green's House of Nooks and Crannies

SELLER: Brian Austin Green
LOCATION: Woodrow Wilson Drive, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $2,395,000
SIZE: 3,374 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Set back from the street and sited on a gated and private knoll is this incredibly charming 1920's English Tudor. Character and warmth abound as features including oak floors throughout and beamed ceilings enhance all rooms as follows: Living room, kitchen, dining and family rooms, master suite plus 3 additional bedrooms and 2.5 baths. The grounds feature patios, pathways and an inviting pool. Very special.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Since Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter currently have very limited access to the interweb we had only a few minutes to scour new listings yesterday afternoon but quickly honed in on a Tudor style domicile on Los Angeles' celebrity lined Woodrow Wilson Drive that is listed at $2,395,000 and owned by oft over-looked actor Brian Austin Green.

While Your Mama can't think of a single boob-toob program or motion picture that Mister Green appeared in besides his stint as David Silver on the original Beverly Hills 90210, his re-zoo-may shows he's been a bizzy beaver since the program ended in 2000. In addition to an uncredited role in 2008 as a "Party Guest" in How to Lose Friends and Alienate People, he has also appeared in regular and recurring roles on Stacey Stone, Freddie, and Terminator: The Sarah Conner Chronicles. Your Mama confesses we has never heard of nor seen any of those programs but that don't really mean a thing since we tend to stick to PBS, CNN and The Real Housewives of Any City. Oooo children, after seeing them previews of that arrogant and broke ladee yanking on the wig of the white woman who may or may not have had some kind of cancer that caused her to lose her hair, Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter can hardly wait for them housewife bitches down in Atlanta to start up and throw down at the end of the month. But we digress. Interweb sources also indicate Mister Green has also long dabbled in the music bidness and, rather bizarrely, released a universally panned rap album in the mid-1990s. That's right chickens, rap.

Property records reveal that Mister Green scooped up his house in the hills in March of 2001 when he paid $1,650,000 for the corner property that sits just a few doors down from the house Jake Gyllenhaal calls home when he's not living in sin out in Brentwood with his ladee-friend Reese Witherspoon. Mister Green, too, lives in sin with up coming getting too big for her britches action ack-tress Megan Fox who despite her protestations has chosen to present herself as a doppelgänger to Earth Mother sexpot supah-star Angelina Jolie. In fact, sometimes Your Mama cain't even tell the two apart but that might have more to do with what happens when we mix a nerve pill with a pitcher of gin and tonics than anything else.

Listing information indicates the multi-story mini-manse measures in at 3,374 square feet and includes 4 bedrooms, 3.5 poopers and a whole lotta nooks and crannies. The entire front yard of the walled and gated corner property is made up of a motor court which will probably mortify anyone who does not live in Los Angeles, but isn't really so uncommon for houses in the hills, even expensive ones. A red door signifies the main entrance which is a good damn thing since the French doors that flank the fireplace in the living room also open up right into the driveway and could be confusing to a boozed up visitor who is more likely careen towards a brightly colored door than some glassy thing that they might confuse for a mirror or some kind of waterfall.

Listing information for the 1923 faux-timbered Tudor shows a large living room with dark wood floors and a peaked wood ceiling with massive wood beams. The day-core consists of a couple of wonderfully worn caramel colored club chairs and a red velvet sofa with down cushions and a smattering of furry pillows. The living room, and the entire house, lacks art which is a sad shame. However we are grooving on the mirror with the massive carved wood frame above the sofa.

The dining room appears to be open to the blandly renovated kitchen with its white cabinetry and beige counter tops that may or may not be honed granite or maybe limestone. There is a small built-in breakfast nook that lacks a table so it's really just a nook with built-in bench seating. The dark wood floors in the living room and kitchen continue into the media room that boasts a projection screen and some kind of crazy Darth Vader helmet sitting on the side table that would surely scare the bejeezis out of Your Mama iffen we were to pass through this room in the middle of a dark night. Just off the media room is an office nook where we imagine Mister Green and Miss Fox divvy up the household bills. A featureless family room has been "decorated" with a beat up brown leather sofa which looks like it might be a set with the club chairs up in the living room. In another nook is a red-felted billiard table lit by a chandelier so damn ass-uglee it makes Your Mama want to scream bloody murder. Surely Mister Green's budget could have afforded him something more appropriate.

The master bedroom is comprised of a large sitting area and a raised nook where a carved four poster bed has been placed. A double set of curtains closes the space off from the rest of the room, presumably to black out the bed nook. The master bath is a study in beige marble (or limestone or some other stone thing) with Tudor appropriate burgundy bath towels, a jetted tub and a separate shower with a giant window so that Miss Fox can put on a show while Mister Green lounges in the tub.

The back yard tumbles down the hillside and, like LeVar Burton's house in Sherman Oaks, the lagoon style swimming pool sits about 449 flights of stairs from the house. This is a nice way to tuck the pool into the hillside for privacy but it makes for a heart attack when it's time for a ham sandwich because our haughty house gurl Svetlana would sooner run bamboos shoots up into her toenail beds than be chasing up and down those stairs every time Your Mama needs a candy bar or an ice cube for our cocktail. Plus, Your Mama knows some of our less mannered guests like Falsetta Knockers and Carmelina Corn would pee in that pool long before they would schlep their lazy butts up all them stairs just to use the terlit.

It's not really much of a surprise the Mister Green has listed this property given that he and Miss Fox have been spotted fishing for new digs in the Santa Monica area, but Your Mama don't know nuthin' about that. For now.

Jimmy Durante's Residential Time Capsule

SELLER: Estate of Jimmy Durante
LOCATION: N. Beverly Drive, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $3,395,000
SIZE: 3,944 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: The longtime home of Jimmy Durante, not on the market for 60+ yrs. Rebuilt in 1963 by architects Marvin & Kelsey, the main residence is 3 beds, 2.5 baths + 2 story guest w/ 1 bdrm apt upstairs & maids + storage lower. Also a pool room w/ bath & entertainment flow. Large master w/ sitting area & fireplace. Entry light fixtures excluded.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Once again we are very short on time...Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter are not able to access the interweb on a regular basis. But rather than leave the children high and dry, salivating and clamoring and left to their own devices, we figured we'd pop up a Beverly Hills time capsule listed at $3,395,000 that was the long time home of actor and comedian Jimmy Durante and his much younger second wife Margie who was a hat check gurl at the Copacabana when the May December love birds first met. Your Mama just loves a Tinseltown love story.

A Hollywood legend known for his quick wit, Brooklyn accent and huge honker, Mister Durante started up his ladder of fame after dropping out of the 8th grade and playing ragtime on the pie-ana which landed him on the Vaudville stage. Later Mister Durante became a radio star who transitioned into talkies.

Property records are unclear as to when Mister and Missus second Durante bought the long and low modern manse on the wide and pretty palm tree lined N. Beverly Drive. However, listing information indicates the property has not been on the market for more than 60 years which would indicate to a know-nothing like Your Mama that Mister Durante owned the house since sometime in the middle of the last century. However, don't nobody quote Your Mama on that because we really don't know when the couple set up house here.

According to listing information the 3,944 square foot house was re-built in 1963 by a couple of architects we confess we've never heard of named Marvin & Kelsey. Those may be their first or last names, we don't know but perhaps one of Your Mama's more architecturally educated children can educate us on these two. Anyhoo, the main house, which includes just 3 bedrooms and 2.5 poopers is fronted by a deep yard with a semi-circular black top driveway which, quite frankly is a bit down market for this neck of Los Angeles.

The house appears to have been professionally decorated back in the early 1960s in all sorts of beige and pale pastel colors, a style that has not withstood the test of time. While this may have been the very apex of day-core back in 1963 (or so) it is now, as Mister Durante himself might say, "a castastrostroke." Our bleary gin soaked little brain cain't even figure out how to pronounce that word, but we are sharp enough to know it's not a compliment.

The main rooms include a formal living room with bleached blond wood floors, a massive stone fireplace of the sort they stopped building in 1972. The bleached blond wood floors continue into the formal dining room where one entire wall is covered with a mirror, a decorative moment we like in theory but makes us uncomfortable when we think of having to sit opposite the reflecting glass while we masticated yams or chawed on a chicken leg. We not sure why such a small chandelier was chosen when the room could easily support a larger number, but we rather love the dining room set which looks like a 1960s interpretation of something the nice gay decorator Billy Haines might have done in the late 1940s.

In addition to the three bedrooms and 2.5 poopers in the main house, a two-story structure adjacent to the swimming pool in the back yard contains a 1 bedroom guest unit on the second floor and storage space and a staff room on the ground floor. While we can't imagine living up in a house with staff–our house gurl Svetlana insists on her own residence which is just fine with Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter because we do not need Miss Big Ears all up in our night time bidness–this detached room set up is workable.

Opposite the guest/staff house is a pool house with, according to listing information, a pooper and a dry sauna, both of which ought to be retained in whatever renovations will be undertaken by the next owner. Not only is it healthy to sweat out the booze in a sauna, a pool pooper means no wet people tramping through the house every time they need to evacuate.

If we had to guess, we'd guess any new owner will raze this residence and replace it with one of those ginormous faux Tuscan/quasi Neo-classical numbers that line the flats of Beverly Hills. But maybe not. Maybe, just maybe some deep pocketed Palm Springs queen will come along and upgrade this house while retaining some of the better original features like that perforated concrete block screens at the front of the house which always remind Your Mama of a most excellent trip we took to Vieques with our pal Fiona Trambeau back when we were both in enviable bathing suit shape. Today it's tunics and wide brimmed sun hats, but that's another story for another day.

Good night, Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are.

Harry Morton Lists Condo at Huge Loss

SELLER: Harry Morton
LOCATION: Doheny Road, West Hollywood, CA
PRICE: $2,895,000
SIZE: 1,845 square feet, 2 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Sierra Towers, the most prestigious and desired full service high rise in Los Angeles. Great views of the Sunset Strip, downtown and the ocean. Rebuilt from the ground up, this unit has Crestron full home automation, Poliform kitchen and the highest quality finishes.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Some people will know twenty-something year old Harry Morton as the lucky scion of L.A. based biznessman Peter Morton who co-founded the Hard Rock Cafe. Some will recall that the young man about town famously dated tabloid train wreck Lindsay Lohan before she decided to go lesbian. But what Your Mama imagines Mister Morton would like people to know is that he's a successful entrepreneur who not only owns the legendary Viper Room in West Hollywood, he's also the founder, president and CEO of the lurid and suggestively named Pink Taco restaurant chain.

Now listen chickens, before any of you people start screaming about your virgin ears and how tacky and family unfriendly it is to name a restaurant with a slang word for femail naughty bits, let Your Mama tell you we do not want to hear it. If this is all it takes to shock you and get your bug eyed dander up, well, it's time to pull that stick out your backside and get out of the house more often because this ain't 1951 anymore, children.

Anyhoo, property records show that back in January of 2007, just before all hell broke loose in the real estate markets, Mister Morton paid a whopping $3,500,000 for an 8th floor spread at the celebrity packed Sierra Towers building in West Hollywood, a building Your Mama's acid tongued friend Kenny Kissintell calls The Greys and Gays due to, he says, it's long history as a building filled with homosexuals and old people. Since the super slick condo with is currently listed with an asking price of $2,895,000 and it doesn't even take any flicking of the well worn beads on our bejeweled abacus to see that Mister Morton is going to take a ferocious financial hit in the neighborhood of one million clams. We certain some of the children are going to have some harsh words about Mister Morton's willingness and financial ability to give up a million clams just like that.

The 1,845 square foot corner unit was once owned by dee-lishusly freaky actor Vincent Gallo and was, according to property records, originally built as a 2 bedroom and 3 bathroom unit. However, according to listing information the condo is currently configured as a dee-luxe 1 bedroom and 2 pooper bachelor pad that can be converted back to a two-bedroom until in a jiffy.

A little birdie we'll call Linda Letterrip whispered in Your Mama's big ol' ear that after buying the condo Mister Morton embarked on a down to the studs renovation that transformed the glassy unit into his own personal vision of a sexy city slicker residence complete with a Crestron home automation system, wood floors so black they look blue, a sleek Poliform kitchen that Your Mama can assure the children cost as much as a fully loaded S Class Mercedes, and tucked up into where we imagine the second bedroom once was, Mister Morton and his team of nice gay decorators have installed a raised lounge/VIP area complete with a colossal custom sectional sofa and flat screen tee-vee.

Mister Morton's bedroom features a second flat screen tee-vee, wall to wall steel grey carpeting that we'd bet our long bodied bitches is a buttery soft silk number, a chunky dark wood bed room with hotel-style linens embroidered with a giant "M" just in case Mister Morton forgets who he is, and a couple of exquisitely glammy 1940s Edward Wormley-esque chairs.

The master bath is a study in cliché contemporary bathroom design in Los Angeles with etched glass panels, glass tile work and a wall mounted flat screen boob-toob for so that no one need miss a single minute of that delectably embarrassing guilty pleasure NYC Prep which is, hands down, the can't-stop-watching pinnacle of trashy reality television programming. Those poor children have humiliated themselves on national tee-vee and will now have to face the harsh music when they get up in college and everyone is snickering about the asinine and pompous manner in which they acted. But we digress...

Mister Morton's bachelor pad includes a slim terrace just big enough for a table and chairs for six and a little sitting area where Mister Morton can sip a gin and tonic and watch the lights glisten up and down Sunset Boulevard.

Your Mama was told by Linda Letterrip that Mister Morton is giving up the Sierra Towers (and a million smacker) to live up in the Bird Streets among celebs like Leo DiCaprio, Keanu Reeves and jazzy singer Michael Bublé.

Mister Morton leaves behind an equally glitzy and, dare we say, pickled assemblage of famous folks who own condos at the Sierra Towers including Elton John, Cher, Joan Collins and Diahann Carol.

LeVar Burton Lists Sherman Oaks Spanish Casa

SELLER: LeVar Burton
LOCATION: Stoneridge Place, Sherman Oaks, CA
PRICE: $1,850,000
SIZE: 4,987 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 6 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Spectacular Spanish Estate view home nestled in the hills of SO Longridge Estates. 5 BRs & office & 6 BA. 5th BR guest suite w/ fireplace, private entrance. Grand entry w/ formal DR. LR w/ firplce, opens to the heart of the home: a chef's kitchen w/ state of the art appliances. Main patio w/ built in firplce, BBQ, stunning Views. Romantic MA BR suite w/ firplce, walk-in closet, spa bath w/ room shower. Swimmers pool w/ grassy lawn, majestic trees. A peaceful oasis above the city lights.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: The other day Your Mama was at the hair salon getting a new do when we received a text message from our wonderfully chatty tipster Babbling Babette who pointe dus towards a house in the hills above Sherman Oaks, CA. A little investigation and a leg up from Lucy Spillerguts educated Your Mama that that house on Stoneridge Place is owned by actor LeVar Burton and listed for sale with an asking price of $1,850,000.

Although we are not a SciFi fan and we had no idea who Mister Burton is, a sweep across the interweb told us he may best be known by the peeps (and certainly by the Trekkies) for his many years as Captain Geordi La Forge on the Star Trek franchise. Among his many other boob-toob achievements are his portrayal of Kunta Kinte in the spectacular 1977 series Roots and most notably for hosting Reading Rainbow, the highly acclaimed and award winning children's boob toob program promoting literacy for which he's earned a slew of Daytime Emmy Awards that he not very modestly displays on the mantle in his living room. Like many actors, Mister Burton also di-rects and his turn at the helm includes several episodes of Charmed, a good number of Star Trek episodes and, back in the late 1980s, The Tiger Woods Story.

Property records indicate Mister Burton bought his shack in Sherman Oaks' Longridge Estates area way back in June of 1996 when he paid $1,475,000 for the 4,987 square foot Spanish style casa. Listing information reveals Mister Burton's crib includes 5 bedrooms and 6 poopers as well as an office which looks like he actually uses it as an office. Listing information described Mister Burton's property as a "Spanish Estate" and while we'll grant that this white stuccoed and tiled roofed residence fits the mold of a Southern California Spanish style house, it's not really what Your Mama would call an estate if only because the front facade sits right up on road on the quiet cul-de-sac. We usually reserve the description "estate" for homes on large parcels that sit well off the street and not one in which the neighbors can stroll by and have a look-see right into the damn living room.

Anyhoo, there is, according to listing information, a "grand entry" which leads to a formal dining room and a large living room with a vaulted wood beamed ceiling, honey colored wood floors and that fireplace with all those aforementioned Emmy's to impress the guests. The living room is open to the kitchen which also features a vaulted wood beamed ceiling, Shaker style cabinetry with dated but still appropriate for the style white tile counter tops, a work island with a butcher block counter top and an unusual and not particularly pleasant yellow green paint treatment. Green may be the color of money but trust Your Mama when we say it is not a good color for kitchens or bathrooms.

In addition to a master suite with banal beige wall to wall, a Home Despot style ceiling fan, big fireplace, and out of context Early American four poster bed, there are 4 other sleeping chambers including a guest suite which, according to listing information, features a fireplace and private entrance which is just perfect for all Your Mama's friends like Fiona Trambeau and Queen Victoria who have a tendency to come creeping home late at night with company in tow. Larhd have mercy if we could count the number of times we awoke on a glittery morning only to find one of Miss Trambeau's many unsavory guests sitting at the kitchen table looking like he'd been run over by a Mack truck (which, in a way, he had been), Your Mama would be a multi-millionaire.

Several wide saltillo tiled terraces with long views over the pancake flat San Fernando Valley towards the rugged and fire prone San Gabriel Mountains surround the back of Mister Burton's house. The main terrace, according to listing information, includes a built in barbecue and an outdoor fireplace for warming those 14 nippy nights every winter. A series of stairs and terraces tumble down the back of the property to the saltillo tiled pool deck that encircles a long narrow swimming pool and spa. This is all very lovely and we love how it's all tucked into the trees and foliage but Your Mama would have a damn heart attack trying to climb all them stairs back up to the main house to refresh our gin and tonic or use the pooper. Iffin we were Mister Burton, which we are not, and even though they are unsightly and unsanitary, we'd have installed a damn Porta-Potty down there and then finagled a permit from the city to build a proper changing room and terlit.

Your Mama has no idea where Mister Burton is headed, but as he's getting on up there into middle aged, we imagine he's looking for a house with a swimming pool in a location that won't give him a coronary. Whatever the case, Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter wish Mister Burton and family all the best in their next real estate endeavor.

UPDATE: Nice Cage

Looks to Your Mama like Oscar winning actor Nicholas Cage might be getting real serious about selling his storied estate on Copa de Oro Road in Bel Air, CA. The 11,817 square foot brick behemoth was first listed on the open market way back in September of 2007 with a blistering $35,000,000 asking price.

With no takers the price was whittled and chopped until late May of 2009 when it disappeared off the MLS. Well puppies, it's not back on the MLS...yet...but thanks to Juanita Wantsyoutoknow we've learned that Mister Cage has hired himself a swanky new real estate agent who made a fancy new online tour of the idiosyncratically decorated beast and reduced the asking price all the way down to $17,500,000, exactly half of what he originally wanted but still nearly three times the $6,469,000 property records show he paid for the place back in March of 1998.

Mister Cage's supremely located 7 bedroom and 9 pooper real estate white elephant was previously owned by legendary (and allegedly mobbed up) crooner Dean Martin and later by Sex Bomb singer Tom Jones who in his heyday was famous for his package revealing pants and panty pitching fans who could not get enough of him pumping his slim hips during live performances.

Unfortunately for Mister Cage, a good number of his many properties are languishing on the market including (but perhaps not limited to) his Manhattan pied-a-terre which was recently re-listed at $9,750,000, a monster manse Middletown, Rhode Island, two houses in The Big Easy and another in sub-prime torn Las Vegas. And that's just what Your Mama can peel off the top of our early morning mind. Have mercy. Your Mama wishes someone would came and snatch all these properties up so we can leave the hairrific Mister Cage and his real estate woes alone.

Listen Chickens...

...Your Mama has an unexpectedly crazy making sort of day ahead of us so we regret to inform that we are taking today off. Not only do we have a couple of paying gigs we gotta get our plate so Your Mama can pay the damn mortgage, we've also got Sister Woman, her baby daddy and their two cute but pathologically vociferous little gurls staying up in the house which means Your Mama has already downed a nerve pill and we are restlessly waiting for Nurse Diesel to arrive so that she can hook us up to an IV drip that will keep a steady flow of gin and tonics seeping into our veins all day long.

However, before anyone gets their panties all in a bunch and start sending Your Mama hate mail and death threats–a couple of Your Mama's kids are such naughty and angry little beasts who could use a good working over with a peach tree switch–we're gonna send y'all over to Russia to have a look-see at The Agalarov Estates, the brainchild of Russian billionaire Araz Agalarov who has more than once been given the dubious honor of being called the Donald Trump of Russia.

Located just outside Moscow, The Agalarov Estates, is meant to be an uber-exclusive and all-inclusive private community for Russian oligarchs with new money burning a hole in their Versace pockets. According to previous reports, the 250 elaborately detailed but architecturally suspect mansions measure an average of 10,000 square feet and cost an average $10,000,000 (US). A few flicks of the beads of our well worn abacus shows that converts to about 320,000,000 Roubles at today's rates.

In exchange for guarded gates, an 18-hole private golf course and clubhouse, a sports complex with indoor and outdoor tennis courts, equestrian facilities, a beach club on the shore of a private lake, a helipad and a 50-room hotel exclusively for guests of home owners, residents agree that they will not shoot off fireworks, keep a dog on the premises (even inside their house), or hang laundry out on a line out in the yard.

As bizarre as those things seem (what billionaire hangs laundry on a line?), most perplexing perhaps is that the ridiculously rich and security obsessed Russian residents who buy into Mister Agalarov's dream development also agree to forgo private bodyguards within the development. Mister Agalarov's reasoning is that with the amount of private security that many rich Russians drag around, his private paradise could easily look like a military installation iffin everyone had their armed Igors and Anatolys trailing them around the golf course and standing sentry next to their cabanas at the beach club. Mister Agalarov has kindly provided a holding pen for residents' private security guards near the main entrance to the development. Your Mama wonders if they'll be forced to check their firearms at the door or if they'll be free to walk around with glocks on their hips and AK-47s strapped to their backs.

Another tidbit we found fassinatin' is that the dee-luxe development sits slammed up next to an impoverished village and Mister Agalarov has spent big on thick landscaping the screen any views of their hovels and laundry lines. While practical from the point of view of a person buying into the development, there's just something so uncomfortable about living surrounded by such flashy luxury knowing that just on the other side of the 14th hole mothers can't afford to feed their children anything but beets and cabbage water.

photo: The Agalarov Estates

Aaron Seltzer Lists Sky Lit Studio City Domicile

SELLER: Aaron and Dana Seltzer
LOCATION: Oakdell Lane, Studio City, CA
PRICE: $2,949,000
SIZE: 4,178 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 5.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Gated private situated on huge lot surrounded by lush greenery. Resort like salt water pool and cabana, great for entertaining. Sweet grassy yards. Magnificent grand sunroom with walls of French doors. Fantastic five bedroom suites some with romantic private gardens. Great eat in kitchen. Open floor plan with fabulous indoor outdoor vibe. Generous parking.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Your Mama is not in the film bizness nor do we care to be in the film bizness but that does not mean we are not entitled to our completely meaningless opinion that the mainstream movie making machine called Hollywood is not a very happy place for auteurs particularly in this golden age of dumbed-down cinematic sequels, pointless re-makes, crass comedies and saccharine sweet Hallmark card-like romantic comedies of the sort that make Your Mama want to puke. Why so many people need and want this kind of hopped up fantasy of romantical perfection is beyond our comprehension and, quite frankly, Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter both think these feel good at all costs films lead to a sort of psychic dulling and emotional crippling that dooms relationships. Anyone who has ever been married will tell you, it ain't no damn Hugh Grant or Renée Zellweger picture. However, Your Mama realizes we may be in the minority with our judgmental point of view and we fully recognize that the movies made for the masses are extremely lucrative. Just ask spoof comedy king Aaron Seltzer who recently put his Studio City, CA house on the market with an asking price of $2,949,000.

Mister Seltzer–along with his movie making partner Jason Friedberg–is one of the many writers responsible for the hugely successful but critically excoriated Scary Movie franchise as well as the not exactly cleverly named films Date Move, Epic Movie, Return of the Spartans and Disaster Movie. Your Mama thought we'd actually seen one of these Scary Movie movies but, thanks to a thoughtful message from one of the children, what we actually saw was Scream which is apparently the movie that Scary Movie was spoofing. Whatever.

Anyhoo, property records show Mister Setzer and his ack-turuss wifey Dana (Date Movie, Epic Movie, Disaster Movie) scooped up their Studio City digs in September of 2004 for $2,535,000. Property records reveal the rambling Robert Byrd-esque residence, located up a gated drive at the tail end of a quiet cul-de-sac called Oakdell Lane in the low-key but expensive Fryman Canyon neighborhood, measures 4,178 square feet and includes 5 bedrooms and 5.5 poopers.

A wide half flight of stairs leads to the open plan living and dining room which sports mahogany colored medium-width hardwood floors, a corner fireplace, an eclectic and not entirely successful blend of mid-century modern and cottage style furniture and a sloping ceiling that for some unknown and inexplicable reason is wood beamed over the living room area and smooth sheet rock over the dining room area. The children will note the bowl chandelier over the dining room table which is not only hung far too high above the table top but looks like it might have been snatched up from the sale rack at the Home Despot. A wall of French doors opens the room to a commodious covered and sky lit brick terrace that overlooks the big black bottom swimming pool and spa.

The wood floors flow into the sky lit kitchen which appears to Your Mama to have been recently re-did with a porcelain farmhouse sink, white raised paned cabinetry, professional grade stainless steel appliances, a work island and what may or may not be sand colored limestone counter tops.

As best as we can surmise from listing information, each of the five bedrooms has access to a private sky lit pooper including, natch, the sky lit master bedroom which also boasts a peaked ceiling, a wall of paned French doors that open to a verdant private patio, a stacked stone fireplace flanked by built in desks, and one of those horrid and scary looking exercise contraptions that people insist on putting in their bedrooms when there must be half a dozen other places to put the damn thing. Your Mama's decorating rule #339 clearly states that devices used for slimming, toning and trimming, particularly the sort that require electricity, shall never be placed next to a bed unless regularly used to enhance sexual relations.

Additional rooms include an undefined space with a gee-tar and a desk–which would be the obvious and better location for the exercise thingy, and long narrow sky lit family room lined with floor to ceiling bookshelves on one side, a fireplace on the short wall and another long line of French doors opposite the bookshelves.

Given its private location, family friendly neighborhood, reasonably dee-luxe amenities and proximity to all the studios in nearby Burbank, Your Mama would guess this house will garner much attention and perhaps even a quick sale. But we shall see chickens, we shall see.

Musician Daryl Hall Lists Rural Retreat

SELLER: Daryl Hall
LOCATION: Huckelberry Road, Amenia, NY
PRICE: $16,000,000
SIZE: 6,363 square feet (as per assessor), 4 bedrooms, 5 full and 2 half bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Restored Revolutionary War Georgian Colonial. Museum quality. 24 rooms. 9 fireplaces. Indoor pool. 4 guesthouses. Pergola. Groomed 245+/- acre estate. Fields. Woods. Ponds. Catskills views. Privacy.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Some time ago Your Mama got wind from Wendy Windbag that musician Daryl Hall was fixing to hoist his 245+/- acre Upstate New York estate on the market and sho enuf, the property has just landed on the market with a hefty asking price of $16,000,000.

For all you chickens not old enough to know, Mister Hall was the blond pompadoured half of the screamingly successful soul infused rock and roll musical duo Hall & Oates whose heyday was back in the late 1970s and 1980s and who had a long list of top 40 songs that includes radio classics such as Private Eyes, Kiss on My List, I Can't Go for That (No Can Do), You Make My Dreams Come True, and Maneater. Your Mama confesses that back when we were just a wee lamb and not in control of our own destiny we were dragged to a Hall & Oates concert at the County Fair (seriously folks, the County Fair) by our own momma who, at the time, thought Misters Hall and Oates were the bees knees in modern music.

It's unclear to Your Mama just when Mister Hall purchased the property outside Amenia, NY–to which he gave the name Flint Hill–and we haven't any idea how much moo-lah he forked over for it. We do know from the listing with Klemm Real Estate that after scooping up the scenic spread with 100-mile long views of the Catskills he constructed a rambling 24-room main house by combining two historic Georgian style homes, one from 1770 and 1786, that were disassembled, moved from their original locations and painstakingly re-constructed as they were originally built on Mister Hall's property. The two structures were joined by a beamed, barn-like and sparsely furnished great room with a catwalk that wraps around three sides and one of the meandering mansion's 9 fireplaces. Assessor records show the house measures in at 6,363 square feet while listing information puts it at approximately 8,400 square feet.

According to listing information, in addition to the numerous number of parlors, sitting rooms and libraries, the main house also features a country kitchen where the original wide plank floors and rough hewn beam ceiling meets modern conveniences such as an Aga brand range the size of a Hyundai. There is also, according to listing information, a paneled keeping room, a tavern, and a state of the art indoor pool that Your Mama was told by Miz Windbag can be accessed directly from Mister Hall's master bedroom by a small staircase. In addition to the master bedroom, which encompasses two full poopers, there are an additional 4 bedrooms and 3 full and 2 half bathrooms.

The property includes several outbuildings all accessed by a wonderfully winding driveway that include a 1 bedroom and 1 pooper guest house and another building that houses Mister Hall's music studio where he films his internet program Live From Daryl's House. There is also third house with 3 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms perfect for an estate manager or caretaker and a small hunting lodge for more rustic rural experiences.

Your Mama's brief research across the interweb reveals that Mister Hall has bit of a fetish for owning and preserving historic homes. In addition to his big spread in Upstate New York, Mister Hall also owns the oldest house in all of Maine–the John Bray House in Kittery Point–which was built in 1662 and which reports indicate Mister Hall scooped up in March of 2007 for around $1,900,000.

Sometime in 2005, according to reports, Mister Hall and British socialite Amanda Aspinall (who may or may not still be his ladee-friend) vacated their shared 3-bedroom home in London and decamped to an historic late-Georgian era house which happens to be one of only 50 or so houses in London with frontage on the Thames river.

Until a few years ago, Mister Hall also owned an estate in the Bahamas at Harbour Island where his high-fallutin' neighbors were peeps like billionaire biznessman Ron Perelman, Miss Barry Diller and his fashionista wifey Diane von Furstenberg, duty-free tycoon Robert Miller, and JCrew CEO and noted trophy real estate collector Mickey Drexler who was Mister Hall's next door neighbor until he bought Hall's estate and combined it into his already massive spread.

Is the Apthorp New York City's Next Celebrity Enclave?

Recent reports reveal that a slew of celebs have been touring the sprawling pre-war pads at the much bally-hooed and beloved Apthorp building in New York City. The Apthorp, for those who do not know, is a leviathan limestone pile built in 1908 by the Astor family that covers an entire city block on the Upper West Side. There are four elaborately detailed and symmetrical facades topped by a small crown of copper. The building is entered through one of two gated three story barrel vaulted tunnels, one on buzzy Broadway the other on West End Avenue, that lead to a landscaped and limestone clad central courtyard with two shushing fountains where residents can be discreetly deposited from the rear seats of taxis, town cars and private automobiles.

According to a number of reports in New York centric papers and websites, the list of famous folks who have made the pilgrimage to the Apthorp include Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, Emmy award winning actor Alec Baldwin, aging action movie actor Bruce Willis, and Real Housewife of New York City Jill Zarin who recently listed her Upper East Side nest with an asking price of $3,200,000 and will soon be rooting around for a new nest. Sara Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick–who did not, as it turns out, purchase the the near perfect Park Slope townhouse recently sold by Paul Bettany and Jennifer Connelly–have also been rumored and reported to have scooted around the building in search of new digs to house their growing family.

Of course, the Athorp has long attracted wealthy and rich folks with former tenants like Rosie O'Donnell, Conan O'Brien, Steve Kroft, Robert DeNiro and, of course, writer Nora Ephron and colorful 1980s pop icon Cyndi Lauper who, much to the chagrin of many, both occupied very large rent controlled apartments. Miz Ephron was forced out of her 5th floor 5 bedroom residence after it became subjected to New York State's luxury de-control laws and the rent was jacked to a toe curling $12,000. Cyndi Lauper had much better luck when in 2005 she successfully sued the landlord to reduce the rent on her rent-controlled 4-bedroom crib from nearly four thousand dollars per month to just under one thousand. Every New Yorker publicly hated her for that, but every New Yorker also knows they'd happily sell their mother, their dog and their first born for a 7-room apartment that costs less than a thousand clams a month.

Anyhoo, amid much controversy, law suits and bad blood, the legendary Apthorp went condo and chile they is some colossally costly condominiums. Even after a $426,000 price chop, a 1,031 square foot 7th floor one bedroom is listed at a toe-curling $1,575,000 and after six months on the market and a $1,150,000 price slash, a 3,331 square foot unit on the 11th floor with 4 bedrooms and 4.5 bathrooms is listed at $6,350,000. Apparently that's pocket change to the Jolie-Pitts who are rumored to be willing to dump upwards of $25,000,000 to combine three units into one massive spread for their ever-expanding brood of multi-culti children.

Given that 25 units need to be sold by September to solidify the condo conversion Your Mama would imagine the Apthorps' public relations peeps are wildly spinning their rolodexes and the developers offering all kinds of difficult to pass up deals to famous folks who might attract other buyers who like the idea of living in close proximity to fame. Of course, the famous people could care less about the other tenants, but they will certainly appreciate and make good use of the central courtyard where they can come and go without the paps trying to take a snap shot of their naughty bits as they step out of their car.

Time will tell puppies but if Your Mama had to wager a guess, we'd say the Apthorp should do well with deep pocketed and privacy seeking people in the public eye.

photos: The City Review

Debi Mazar Lists Los Angeles Casa

SELLER: Debi Mazar
LOCATION: N. Vista Street, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $1,399,000
SIZE: 2,096 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: On a tree0line street, this private gated 2 bedroom, 2 bath Spanish is a rare find. The gated front garden leads to a hacienda-style loggia with terrace & fountain. Classic 1930's formal floor plan has a tall entry vestibule with wood floor inlay, large living room with fireplace, formal dining room, and bright open country-style kitchen, all leading to a central courtyard. The master suite has an outstanding 1930's bath and opens to the grassy rear garden with creative space/studio.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Over the weekend, while broiling and baking in the blazing southern California sunshine, Your Mama received a couple of covert communiques from folks like Aerial Dave and Wanda Wantsyoutoknow informing Your Mama that feline faced foodie actress Debi Mazar (rhymes with bazaar, thank you very much) and her I-talian musician huzband Gabriele Corcos recently listed their hacienda style casa in Los Angeles with an asking price of $1,399,000.

The dee-voon and heavily accented Miz Mazar has spent the last five years working her sexy stuff on the HBOs hit program Entourage but Miss Thing has been around the Tinseltown block a few time and has a very long list television credits that includes (but is far from limited to) stints on Ugly Betty, Living With Fran, All of Us, That's Life, Temporarily Yours, L.A. Law and Civil Wars. Her cinematic spins have been in films like Good Fellas, Malcom X, Bullets Over Broadway, and more recently, The Women. In addition to her recurring role on Entourage Miz Mazar and her huzband host an internet based cooking show called Under the Tuscan Sun. She's may not be a leading lady type but behawtcha has done mighty fine for a gal from Queens who got her start slapping war paint on Madonna back before Madonna was the man eating multi-culti child rearing Kaballah Kween Madonna.

Records for Miz Mazar's N. Vista Street property, which is walking distance to Disneyland-like Grove mall and the famed and faboo Farmer's Market, are rather confusing. One of our lovely informants whispered that Miz Mazar scooped the place up back in 1997 for just $410,000. Another data base we poke around in indicates it was in July of 2003. However, after a consult with Babbling Babette, Your Mama managed to squeeze out what we think is the real story which is that Miz Mazar forked over $750,000 for the property in January of 2002. But honestly chickens, we're not 100% sure on that one.

Listing information shows Miz Mazar's abode measures in at a modest 2,096 square feet and offers 3 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms. Although a house like this would be plenty big for Your Mama, the Dr. Cooter, our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly and our sharp clawed pussy Sugar, we imagine this house might be a bit wee for Miz Mazar, her I-talian man-mate and their two little female 0ff-spring who, when not in the City of Angels, bunk in a 14th-century villa in Tuscany given to the couple by the huzband's family. Sounds like Miz Mazar maybe married up.

Anyhoo, jungle-like landscaping fills the front yard and the wrought iron front gates open to a private, sunny and saltillo tiled courtyard with a gurgling fountain and a large number of plants in terra cotta pots. It's all very lovely, and we're certain Sugar would love nothing more than to sunbathe on the hot tiles.

According to listing information, the house retains its original formal floor plan from the 1930s which includes an entrance vestibule with an extra-tall ceiling, a butter colored and wood floored living room with a few bits of vintage furniture covered, some children's play things, a fireplace and haphazardly hung artwork. The room, sadly, has no rug and nary a coffee table.

The living room leads to the wood floored dining room with a mid-century modern dinette set and a funky 1950s light fixture. Again, the room lacks any kind of rug. An bold orange breakfast room features a pair glass fronted built in buffets that flank French doors that open to the front courtyard. Orange is a tough wall color to live with (we know because we've done it) and we applaud Miz Mazar's courage of stepping off the high dive of paint color choices. The breakfast room gives way to the kitchen. We rather like that his kitchen has more character than many of the new-fangled and newly remodeled numbers we see a lot but in truth the only thing we really like in here is the Thermador stove with those excellent blue knobs.

The very pale blue master bedroom, large enough to host a couple of Art Deco club chairs, opens to the verdant back yard and according to listing information includes a vintage 1930's pooper. Although we're not positive, it appears to Your Mama like one of the two secondary bedrooms has been re-purposed and kitted out as Miz Mazar's dressing room with an entire cabinet devoted to er impressive and wonderfully color-coordinated shoe collection. The children will note than neither the bedroom nor the dressing room have any sort of a rug which begs us to wonder what Miz Mazar has against rugs. A few well placed rugs would go a long way in this house.

Out back, a well tended lawn is surrounded by bamboo and other privacy making shrubbery and what was once a two-car garage has been converted to what listing information calls a creative space/studio which is clearly the domain of Miz Mazar's bongo-beating and flag loving man-mate. The old driveway is now utilized as a dining courtyard with a teak dining set shaded by a masssive market umbrella strung with Christmas lights. This all looks very nice and we're sure having all that noise making equipment away from the house is a blessing, Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter, neither of whom have a musical bone in their bodies, would much prefer a garage in which to park out big BMWs.

It's unclear where Miz Mazar and famiglia will be moving but a few years ago in an interview for Parade Miz Mazar mentioned that she did not desire to raise her children in Los Angeles preferring a "more multicultural place" like her native New York. So perhaps we'll next here that the Mazar/Corcos clan are settling down in the West Village. Wherever they land, Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter both wish them a casa felice.

UPDATE: Cher

It's back.

Your Mama had a few minutes to spare this Saturday afternoon so we thought we might peruse the new listings out in Malee-boo and we were surprised to find that Cher has put her 13,126 square foot I-talian Renaissance extravaganza back on the market.

The children will recall that Cher hoisted her humongous house on the market in August of 2008 with a mind numbing asking price of $45,000,000 and after nearly 9 months and no buyer, she took it off the market.

Well chickens, Cher's lair is back on the market with a new, improved and lower but still toe curling asking price of $41,000,000. Listing information shows the 6 bedroom and 7 pooper pile sits on a 1.72 acre lot that also includes an infinity edge swimming pool, guest house and a suspended tennis court, which means you can drive a damn car under it. Interior appointments include a theatre, gym, office, den and, natch, living and dining rooms. Your Mama likes to imagine La Cher has got a wig room too but we have no direct knowledge of such a thing.

As we snitched a few weeks ago, Your Mama heard recently that Your Mama's favorite V.A.M.P. received an offer in the forty million clam range but, as we heard, she pussy-footed around like time was on her side and the buyer itchy feet and moved on. There's probably more to the story than that, but that's what Your Mama heard one day not too long ago while standing around all big-eared at a twenty-million dollar manse in Beverly Hills.

photo: Pacific Coast News

Derek Jeter Is a Real Estate Size Queen

Your Mama was flummoxed, flabbergasted and all kinds of perplexed this morning when we opened the New York Post to find an article on the brouhaha developing over the titanic mansion that nearly deified New York Yankee Derek Jeter is building down in Tampa, FL.

A peep into the property records and a few flicks of the well worn beads on Your Mama's bejeweled abacus shows that in two separate transaction in 2005 and 2006 Mister Jeter paid an eye popping $7,666,000 for three contiguous waterfront lots on Bahama Circle in the sleepy Davis Islands community. Combined, according to records, the three lots total just under 1.3 acres.

According to some reports, some of Mister Jeter's new neighbors are taking umbrage at the scale of the not yet completed crib which is scheduled to measure in at a boo-teek hotel sized 31,000 square feet. Your Mama did a bit of snooping around and figured out that Mister Jeter's new bachelor pad will be nearly six times the size of his next door neighbors' homes and nearly twice the size of his boss George Steinbrenner's 17,000+ square foot pile at Tampa's Palma Ceia Golf and Country Club. According to a blog devoted to the goings on around Davis Island, the average size of a Best Buy store is 39,000 so that should give the children some idea of what kind of space in which Mister Jeter will be rambling around.

Lahrd have mercy chickens, who knew Derek Jeter was a real estate size queen?

Other amenities of the Mister Jeter's residential beast are reported to include garaging for six cars, 7 bedrooms, 9 poopers, an entertainment room, a billiard room and another room devoted to all his bat swinging and ball bandying memorabilia. All of this for a place to crash during the spring training which is all of three months of the damn year

The second issue some of Mister Jeter's neighbors are said to be beefing about is his request to erect a six foot privacy fence around the perimeter of his property. As it turns out, Tampa's zoning ordinances only allow for three foot fencing and he's requested a variance of some sort that will allow him his tall fence. However, according the the people at The Post, the president of the Davis Islands Civic Association doesn't seem so concerned about the size of the house or the fence and if Your Mama had to guess, we'd bet our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly that Mister Jeter will get easy approval for his six foot fence and any other special consideration he might want for his part-time pad.

Have a look-see here at a nice cache of photos of Mister Jeter's under construction spring break bachelor pad.

A Producer Buys Ruth Buzzi's Hollwood Hills House

SELLER: Ruth Buzzi
LOCATION: Malaga Road, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $1,021,000
SIZE: 2,893 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: This is the best buy in the Hollywood Hills today! Magnificent location; Poised on a large lot with unobstructed views on a private cul-de-sac street in highly sought after "Outpost Estates," just minutes away from everything! Hardwood floors, 2 fireplaces, high ceilings, large decks perfect for outdoor entertaining, balconies, and a large master with walk-in closet.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Thanks to an informant we'll call Lenny Letitfly Your Mama has learned that treasured cackle queen Ruth Buzzi has done sold her long time residence in the Outpost Estates area of Los Angeles. Property records show Mizz Buzzi and her man-huzband Kent Perkins took in $1,021,000 when they sold their Malaga Road residence in late June of 2009.

The naughty, bawdy and horse-toothed Miz Buzzi, for all you children too young to remember, was one of the high-lariously funny high priestesses of Rowan & Martin's Laugh In back in the late 1960 and 70s. While Mizz Buzzi appeared regularly as a number of characters on Laugh In, her most famous creation was probably Gladys Ormphby, a dumpy, dowdy, crotchety, park bench sitting, gunny sack dress wearing and hair net donning old woman who used her handbag to pummel dirty old men who made sexually suggestive advances. Mizz Buzzi went on to appear in any number of television programs, films and variety shows including The Lost Saucer, The Sonny and Cher Show, Freaky Friday, Days of Our Lives, The Love Boat (natch), Sheep in the Big City, Sesame Street, and the now defunct but wonderfully wacky daytime draw-muh Passions.

Property records reveal that Mizz Buzzi bought the property in the summer of our Bicentennial (June of 1976) for an unknown amount of money. However, Mister Kent Perkins, who is Mizz Buzzi's lucky huzband, reveals that the house was actually bought in 1968 while Mizz Buzzi was still working her magic on Laugh In. Listing information shows the flesh pink and tiled roofed Mediterranean was built in 1937, measures 2,893 square feet and includes three bedrooms and 3 poopers including a master bedroom with horrific wall to wall carpeting, a small office alcove, a private terlit and a large walk-in closet with built-in cabinetry.

The boxy front façade of the house is, without question, tired and outdated and the garage door makes Your Mama shudder with fear but there is nothing here that can't be made acceptable without a little imagination, money, a smart architect and a skilled landscaper who knows how to properly do up the slimmest of front yards. We already know a good number of you chickens are going to whine and complain that this house sits too damn close to the road but we do not want to hear it because this is how it's done in many (if not most) areas of the Hollywood Hills where due to geography there simply isn't room to set houses way back off the street. Besides, it's not like Malaga Road is some kind of freeway with a constant flow of horn honking traffic.

Interior rooms of the Mizz Buzzi's bullpen include a sunken, nicely sized and unnecessarily carpeted living room with a fireplace that leads to an oddly shaped and a wood floored room that appear to Your Mama like it was haphazardly tacked on to the back of the house and fitted with a built in wet bar that will probably please the alcoholics among us but that Your Mama recommends be ripped out immediately. A discreet nook for mixing cocktails is perfectly fine–fantastic even because lahrd knows we love a drinky poo–but we find these kind of behemoth built in bars where stools can be bellied up to the counter to be vulgar. Who needs to advertise their drinking habits? If we wanted to live in a damn bar, we'd live in a bar.

Anyhoo, beyond the "bar" is the dining room which gives way to a breakfast room where the windows are enslaved by white wrought iron bars and punished by a distressing scrap of lace drapery that covers only the bottom third of the window and serves absolutely no purpose that we can imagine. Through the breakfast room is the kitchen that appears to retain the well worn hexagonal saltillo tiles (and which we'd keep), some 1970s cabinetry that has been painted white in an unsuccessful effort to minimize their visual impact, a range that is much older than Your Mama and, rather unexpectedly, a new-fangled stainless steel double drawer dishwasher. Neither Your Mama, the Dr. Cooter nor our wild-eyed house gurl Svetlana are fans of the double drawer dishwasher but that is another gripe for another day puppies and we simply do not have the time or energy to delve into the grievous error that is the ill-placed panel of glass brick behind the range. This room will need to be gutted. We do, however, appreciate that there is an actual laundry room tucked back behind the cookery.

While there does appear to be a bit of terraced yard below the house, the main outdoor space is the deck that wraps around the lower level. Sadly, it appears that the deck can be accessed through that awful "bar" room, a situation that requires swift remedy by the new owner whom records reveal is a man named Daniel Dubiecki who has produced many commercials as well as a number of films including Thank You for Smoking and the Oscar winning teen pregnancy comedy Juno.

Miz Buzzi and her biznesman man-mate Kent Perkins currently live in Texas where records show they own a 5 bedroom and 5 bathroom house in a banal development in Southlake as well as a number of properties in teeny-tiny Aledo.

Mish Mash Thursday

Okay puppies, Your Mama is having a roller coaster of a day and although our wind is usually quite long and concise is certainly not our forte, we're going to try to be brief on a number of small items burning a hole in our magic bag of celebrity real estate.

1.
Your Mama hears from our treasured informant Nelly Knowsitall that Oscar nominated actor Robert Downey Jr. (The Incredible Hulk, Iron Man, Ally McBeal) is hunting for new digs in Los Angeles and from the sound of things he's looking to up do it up in superstar style.

Although he's yet to close a deal, according to Miz Knowsitall Mister Downey Jr. recently backed out of a deal to purchase a pricey and recently rehabbed residence on Oakmont Drive, arguably the swankiest street in all of Brentwood.

The very contemporary crib was originally designed by much touted architect Raymond Kappe who founded the sensationally innovative and dee-lishusly avant garde SCI-Arc. The glassy house Mister Downey Jr. did not buy sits at the end of a 600-foot celebrity style drive on a 2+ acre lot, measures approximately 11,000 square feet, and includes total of 6 bedrooms and 9 poopers according to listing information. The property was originally listed at a bone chilling $21,500,000 but after nearly a year of languishing, the asking price has been whittled down to a slightly less frightening $13,950,000.

2. All the children who have been paying close attention to the celebrity real estate over the last couple of years will recall that Hollywood's current comedic writer/producer/director darling Judd Apatow (Freak and Geeks, The 40 Year Old Virgin, Knocked Up, Funny People) and his ack-tress wifey Leslie Mann have been looking for a new house in which to house their growing family.

Back in June of 2007 Mister Apatow was rumored to have lost out on a bid to buy Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale's old digs on Aberdeen Avenue in Los Feliz. He was beat out by his nemesis Mark Brazill who, it was whispered, bought the casa only to stymie Mister Apatow's efforts to buy it. Mister Brazill has since, according to property records, sold the house at an $800,000 loss.

Then, in late 2008, several sources blabbed to Your Mama that Mister and Missus Apatow were showing a bit of real estate interest in the N. Carmelina Avenue mansion that just about everyone thought Affifer (or whatever it is Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner get called in the gossip glossies) were going to buy but didn't because they swooped in an bought Brian Grazer's Cliff May sprawler in Pacific Palisades instead. However, for reasons unknown to Your Mama, the Apatows passed on that one.

However, according to Nelly Knowsitall who, as y'all call tell, really knows it all, the Apatows (and their real estate people) have successfully negotiated to purchase a Brentwood, CA estate owned by boob-toob producer Marty Adelstein (Prison Break, Point Pleasant, Tru Calling). The recently completed Bristol Avenue property was never on the open market and, according to Miz Knowsitall, is being bought by Mister Apatow lock, stock and furniture for somewhere right around $20,000,000. Property records show the house measures in at 10,341 square feet and includes 5 bedrooms and 7 terlits. As far as we can suss out, the deal has not yet closed.

3. This is old news puppies, but we simply can't help ourselves from dipping our little toe into a dee-lishusly deep pool of Palm Beach real estate schadenfreude. Last year, a multi-billionaire Russian fertilizer mogul (good grief) named Dmitry Rybolovlev forked over a toe curling and record breaking $95,000,000 for an astonishingly ostentatious Palm Beach mansion called Maison L'Amitié that was owned (but never occupied) by hair challenged real estate blow hard Donald Trump. Mister Rybolovlev reportedly paid cash. That's right, cash.

Not long after scooping up the 33,000 square foot beast, Mister Rybolovlev's wifey Elena filed for a dee-vorce in Switzerland where they moved in 1995, according to the dee-vorce papers, for "security reasons." The soon to be ex-Mrs. Rybolovlev is asking for 50% of the couple's marital assets which she estimated to be between six and twelve billion clams and, natch, includes the little beach shack on they bought in Palm Beach last year.

According to reports, the soon to be ex-Mrs. Rybolovlev filed a lis pendens on the property which gives a court of law jurisdiction over the property because her allegedly philandering huzband has a tendency of "secreting and transferring assets in order to avoid his obligations."

Your Mama wishes you some good damn luck ladee because it is our humble and entirely meaningless opinion that iffin you get this house (or any part of it) in the dee-vorce, you got a long and hard road ahead of you finding some wildly rich buyer willing to cough up anywhere near the $95,000,0000 paid for it.

4.
We really do loathe discussing the sad circus that is Lindsey Lohan and her on again/off again/on again/off again/on again/off again relationship with her lesbian ladee friend Sam Ronson. However, we're going to swallow what little shame and pride we have and do it anyway.

Your Mama recently heard from one of the children who directed Your Mama to Miss Ronson's Twitter page on which she tweeted to someone named RJWeir that she is planning on moving out of her rented Beachwood Canyon crib where she and Miss Lohan are regularly heard having loud domestic disputes.

Given that Miss Ronson's current crib sits right up on the road where the paps can see every coming and going, Your Mama would recommend she move her skinny butt into a secured apartment building with underground parking where she and her high-drama damsel in distress can come and go without all the snapping lights of the paps.

Miss Lohan, much to the chagrin of her neighbors, currently leases a house not far from Miss Ronson. Although from what we hear, the neighbors are getting fed up with the noise and nonsense that seems to follow the starlet in decline everywhere she goes.

5.
A couple of weeks ago, or maybe it was just last week, Your Mama heard from the beautiful Babbling Babette that porn king Norm Zada was entertaining a low offer on his modern mega-manse up in Beverly Park which he's currently got listed at $22,500,000 (reduced from $24,500,000). Then, just the other day we took a call from Goldilocks who snitched that word on the Beverly Park gossip train is that Heidi Klum and Seal made a low ball $14,000,000 offer on the sprawling modern monster mansion.

Listen chickens, for reasons that will go entirely unexplained, Your Mama has actually been in this house which looks and feels to us like a damn airport or a small convention center. Listing information indicates the glassy structure stretches to 20,000 square feet and includes 10 bedrooms and 18 damn pooper rooms including one in the guest house that has a party sized circular shower with multiple shower heads. Larhd have mercy, Your Mama is no prude but we do not even want to know about the sordid sexual spectacles that probably went down in there.

Anyhoo, we don't have any idea why Mister and Missus Klum would want to vacate their 6 bedroom and 9 terlit on San Ysidro Drive in the Hills of Beverly which they purchased in December of 2005 for $7,600,000, but perhaps they are simply finding the comparatively puny 6,794 square foot house too tiny to accommodate their ever-growing family.

6.
Only a short time after Real Housewife of New York City Jill Zarin let her nice gay decorator Brad Boles go hog wild on her Upper East Side apartment, she and Mister Zarin have put their 3 bedroom, 3.5 bathroom, 30th floor condo on the market with an asking price of $3,200,000.

After Miss Boles completed his over the top overhaul of the Zarin residence, the 1,956 square foot E. 60th Street apartment was photographed for Traditional Home magazine. In the course of being interviewed and questioned about his decorative choices by the editors of the magazine, Miss Boles said, '“This is where my background as a makeup artist for film and fashion comes into play,” notes the designer. “Creating a beautiful face on a woman was a natural transition to creating a sumptuous interior she looks great in. Blue-greens and teals are the most flattering colors for her.”'

Oh queen, pleeze.

Your Mama finds the spicy Miz Zarin to be the only even remotely likable New York housewife but bee-hawtcha needs to learn how to turn the volume down on her self-proclaimed gay huzbands decorating antics.

Your Mama Hears...

...from Candy Catoutofthebag that the pending civil trial brought against Beverly Hills real estate agent Josh Flagg for an alleged art heist has been put on hold to make way for an investigation by the City Attorney and the FBI. That's right, the FBI. Your Mama did a little investigation of our own and managed to get the rumor affirmed by someone other that Miss Catoutofthebag who sits close to the situation and requested anonymity.

The children will recall that young, scruffy and heavy-lidded Mister Flagg, who appeared on the second season of the Bravo's real estate train wreck Million Dollar Listing, was accused of and publicly pilloried for allegedly stealing expensive artwork right out of a dee-luxe property owned by the estate of Marcia Israel that he had been hired to list and sale.

Certain items belonging to the estate–reported to include Jade sculptures and paintings by Marc Chagall and Pablo Picasso–were indeed found in Mister Flagg's possession and in fact several of the object in questions were reportedly photographed by an investigator through the windows of Mister Flagg's Beverly Hills abode. At least some if not all of the artwork found in Mister Flagg's possession have been returned to the estate of Miz Israel. Interstingly, at the time of his arrest Mister Flagg's attorney claimed there was nothing to be done about the matter because any statute of limitations had done run out. Of course, we do not know a law book from a recipe but that does not sound to Your Mama like he was claiming his client is innocent.

Marcia Israel was a beloved gal about Beverly Hills who started a Los Angeles based chain of inexpensive clothing stores called Judy's. Miz Israel sold her little retail empire in 1989 for an impressive $32,000,000 to a Hong Kong based operation.

Mister Flagg was released on bail and continues to list pricey properties all over Los Angeles and is currently filming the third season Million Dollar Listing along with his hairtastic nemesis Chad Rogers and Malibu's Madison Hildebrand.

The Sweet Casa of Rachel Sweet

SELLER: Rachel Sweet and Tom Palmer
LOCATION: N. Cockerham Avenue, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $9,995,000
SIZE: 6,205 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 5.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Los Pavoreales, 1926 by Wallace Neff. Spectacular Celebrity compound with star-studded provenance. Long private drive leading to an enormous motor court and grand entry. The public rooms are renowned for their grand scale as is the truly impressive master bedroom with period bathroom, 2 junior bedroom suites, and family room. The grounds feature rolling lawns, play house, and and ascending garden with spectacular city views. The detached guest house has two bedrooms, 2 baths and a kitchen.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Dotted around the hills, flats and rugged canyons of Los Angeles are a a number of primo and pricey properties that are often (and usually) passed from one celebrity to another. Once such property is Los Pavoreales, the Los Feliz compound currently owned by singer turned actress turned boob toob producer Rachel Sweet and her man-mate Tom Palmer who recently hoisted their hacienda style home on the market with an asking price of $9,995,000.

Your Mama realizes that few of the children will know a damn thing about Miss Sweet so we're going to provide y'all with a brief (and incomplete) synopsis of her life in the entertainment bizness. Miss Sweet got her celebrity wings in the mid-1970s as a not particularly successful 12-year old country music crooner but quickly switched to pop music in the late 1970s. The Ohio born gal wasn't much of a mainstream hit in the music world but she did earn some attention for her teenage tart image which was far more shocking back in 1980 than it is today when 13- and 15-year old wannabe starlets are regularly seen teetering around town in towering heels and frightfully low cut dresses that barely hide their mosquite bite boobies.

Anyhoo, in the late 1980s young Miss Sweet had a very short lived (but cult hit) program called The Sweet Life. She also wrote and sang the title song for 1988s Hairspray, John Water's high-larious entree into mainstream movie making. (That would be the first and better Hairspray, the one with the dee-voon Divine, not the more sanitized remake with heterosexual actor John Travolta working his drag as Edna Turnblad.) In the 1990s, Miss Sweet wrote a number of songs for Mister Waters' Cry Baby and scored a bunch of itty-bitty roles on boob-toob programs like Seinfeld until the late 1990s when she switched to writing and producing successful sitcoms. Her credits include producing Sports Night, writing and executive producing Dharma & Greg, and writing and executive producing George Lopez, a program we think is about as funny as a cardiac arrest but makes Your Mama's big daddy laugh and laugh and laugh.

Now then, let's get back to the real estate. Property records reveal that Miss Sweet's Spanish style manse on N. Cockerham Avenue (which records also show as having a N. Vermont Avenue address) was designed by eminent architect Wallace Neff in 1926. Your Mama is not sure who inhabited the house after it was built but we do know that in August of 1996 Kaballah Kween Madonna Ciccone purchased the property for $2,690,000. The Kaballah Kween owned the property until November of 2000 when she sold to known Scientologists Bodhi and Jenna Elfman (Dharma & Greg) for an even-steven $4,000,000. In 2003, the peeps at People revealed that when K.K. sold the house to the Elmans there was no central air-conditioning system (which must have been murder on her hair) nor was there a sprinkler system. Apparently, rather than install sprinklers, K.K. just hired someone to hand water the damn lawns. Your Mama can only hope both of those issues have since been corrected because come August it is hot in Los Feliz and for ten million clams we do not want to spend the afternoon sweating like a sow in the sun.

As far as Your Mama can tell from our research on the interweb, Mister and Missus Elfman owned the house until April of 2004 when they sold it for $4,700,000 to the spectacular actress Katey Sagal (Married With Children, Furturama, 8 Simple Rules) and her doll fearing writer/producer huzband Kurt Sutter. The Sagal/Sutters only owned the house until August of 2005 when they reportedly sold it for $5,510,000 to our Miss Sweet and her man-mate Tom Palmer.

Somewhere along the way, perhaps even by Mister Neff himself, the wonderfully private 1.81-acre property was given the name Los Pavoreales, which as best as Your Mama's barely bilingual brain can figure translates to The Peacocks. Property records show the Sweet casa measures 6,205 square feet with 3 bedrooms and 6 poopers. However, listing information indicates there are 5 bedrooms and 5.5 bathrooms. We're not sure why the discrepancy but it may or may not have something to do with the detached 2 bedroom and 2 terlit guest house.

The imposing but not pretty front gate opens to a long curving drive that gently rises to a massive motor court with the guest house on the left and the entrance to the main house on the right. For the record, Your Mama thinks the motor court could use a fresh paving, but that's none of our beeswax and we digress. Slim brick paths pass under some pretty shade trees and lead to a brick courtyard big enough to host a hoe-down and the formidable front door. The public rooms include a leviathan living room with a fireplace and wood floors and a tile floored and banquet hall sized dining room both with very high and intricately beamed ceilings. Beyond the living room is an all red room with a fireplace and peaked wood ceiling which listing information refers to as the library/study. All three of the rooms show a remarkable restraint in the day-core which has created a sort of maximal minimalism.

The kitchen has retained its original honey-comb shaped saltillo tile floor but has been kitted out with new fangled stainless steel cabinetry and counter tops that would make our housegurl Svetlana's hair stand on end. The work island, lit by two pineapple shape fixtures, includes a convenient vegetable sink and a dark and dee-lishus wood counter top (perhaps it's teak?) which along with the floor manages to keep this surgical suite-ish kitchen from feeling like, well, a surgical suite or the back room of a butcher shop. An adjacent family room features a third fireplace (there are three according to listing information) with a flat screen tee-vee mounted above the minimal fireplace surround, a couple of vintage looking iron chandeliers and a pair of arched doorways filled with spectacular iron and glass doors that pivot open to the yard.

The grounds includes a commodious covered patio with a complicated paint scheme on the beams, long stretches of lawn that roll and slope down the hill towards the front of the property and at the back, up the not particularly well cared for terraces that climb up the hillside, a simply shaped shingled play house sits on a cantilevered platform. What the property does not include is a swimming pool or a tennis court and while we may in the minority here, Your Mama wants both of these things in a ten million dollar house.

Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter wait patiently to see who buys this piece of celebrity real estate history and we wish Miss Sweet and her huzband happy trails.

The Nashville Mansion of Steve McNair (May He Rest In Peace)

SELLER: Steve and Mechelle McNair
LOCATION: Bear Road, Nashville, TN
PRICE: $2,999,990
SIZE: 14,263 square feet, 9 bedrooms, 9.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: n/a

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: It's been a ka-ray-zee couple of weeks for famous folks dying off or getting themselves killed under suspicious circumstances. There was, among others, Charlie's Angels' Farrah Fawcett and avant garde choreographer Pina Bausch who were both taken out by cancer as well as Academy Award winning actor Karl Malden and the dee-voon Mollie Sugden who died of being old. Then there was Michael "The White Lady" Jackson who perished for as yet unknown (but fishy sounding) reasons in his rented Holmby Hills mansion and most recently professional pig skinner Steve McNair was found dead of multiple gunshots wounds in a downtown Nashville condominium along with a 20-year of gurl, also dead, who is believed to have been the very married Mister McNair's gal pal.

Of course, Your Mama don't know nuthin' from a dead mackerel about professional football so we took to the internets to suss out some information about Mister McNair. From what we dug up Your Mama thinks it's a real damn pity this man's legacy is going to go down with him being murdered while in the company of his much younger extramarital gurlfriend because by all accounts Mister NcNair, who was oft called Air McNair, was a crack quarterback who spent ten successful seasons with the Tennessee Titans before being shuffled off to the Baltimore Ravens in 2006. Mister McNair used some of his riches to fund a foundation focused on doing good things for young people.

Anyhoo, according to loads of previous reports (and about twelve welcome emails from folks down Tennesee way), Mister McNair and his ladee-wifey Mechelle had previously listed their big ol' Nashville mansion which currently carries an ass-wonky asking price of $2,999,990. Lard children, why do some of these real estate people slap these crazy numbers on properties? Why not just call it three million? Seriously, why? Pleeze.

The McNair's brick built behemoth is what builders and real estate people sometimes call "Transitional" style. "Transitional" homes are meant to be a mixtures of traditional and contemporary styles. However, what that term suggests to Your Mama and a gazillions other architectural dee-zine snobs is a house of no particular architectural style or value. In the McNair's case we get a brick built and hodge-podged unholy hot mess of clickety-clack residential design littered with odd proportions, low ceilings, big bay windows and nearly a dozen dog house dormers that altogether give it a look of a suburban office building where Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter might get our chompers worked on iffin we lived in Arlington, VA. And that's just the exterior.

Let's do the numbers on this one children. Listing information and property records reveal that Mister and Missus McNair paid $1,599,000 for their Bear Road residence which sits on a 1.33 acre corner lot and in an area called the Woodmont Estates measures in at 14,263 square feet. There are, according to listing information, 26 rooms spread across two floors (plus a small basement) with 9 bedrooms and 9.5 poopers which surely kept Missus McNair bizzy bossing the minimum wage gurls charged with keeping the floors Swiffered and the terlits sparkling.

In addition to all the "formal" rooms, the McNair mansion also includes an almost countless number of secondary living and entertaining areas throughout the rambling u-shaped house including a movie thee-ay-ter, family room, recreation room, hobby room, several sitting rooms on the second floor, and a 54-foot long room above the 3-car garage that includes nearly an acre of light beige wall to wall, a peaked and sky lit ceiling, a grand piano and some swoopy faux-Louis-like chairs and sofas.

Listen puppies, it's not that Your Mama does not have anything to say about the disastrous day-core of the McNair mansion. Oh no, we do. We could most certainly go a blue streak about the peacock feathers in the dining room and all the wrought iron this and thats not to mention the obscene white sofa things in the master bedroom that make Your Mama's eyes roll right back in our head. However, although Your Mama's momma and her sister-pal Jennie spent many of the weekends of our rebellious youth nursing a bottomless box of blush wine, we were none the less raised up right. So we know it is not proper to speak ill of the day-core of the recently dead, particularly that of those who left this world under sordid or tragic circumstances.

The property is fully fenced with two drive gates connected by an arched driveway and a couple of parking pads. Due to its location on a corner and no doubt due to required set backs, the property is almost all front yard with just a small-ish back yard tucked into the back of the house where there is a rectangular swimming pool, a raised stone spa and a lot of concrete patio space for grillin' and chillin' with friends and family.

According to previous reports and property records, Mister and Missus McNair also have a big farm on the eponymous Air McNair Road in rural Collins, Mississippi which appears to Your Mama to be about 40 or 50 miles from Jackson, the Magnolia State capital.

In all seriousness, Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter both wish Missus McNair and her children the courage for fortitude to deal with what is clearly a very complicated and calamitous situation.

John Krasinski Gets a New Krib

BUYER: John Krasinski
LOCATION: Marmont Avenue, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $1,857,000
SIZE: 2,640 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Gated Mid Century compound on a long private drive, high above Chateau Marmont on a celebrity cul-de-sac. 1/3+ acre of land. Originally 5 bedrooms, no a Master Suite w/ gym & pool. Upstairs, Master Suite w/ fireplace, steam shower, city vus, media room & gym. Guest House.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: One day late last week Your Mama was yakking and gabbing with our frightfully in the know informant Lucy Spillerguts who unexpectedly whispered in our ear that altitudinous actor John Krasinski had recently purchased a new house in the Sunset Strip area of Los Angeles. So, natch, we did a little digging on the interweb and, sho enuf, records reveal young Mister Krasinski forked over $1,857,000 for a house on Marmont Avenue, which listing information described as "a celebrity cul-de-sac."

The well educated Mister Krasinski plays the glib and sardonic Jim Halpert on The Office, stars in a film called Away We Go (written not by screenwriters but by literary darlings Dave Eggers and Vendela Vida) and is soon to make his writer/producer/directorial debut in Brief Interviews with Hideous Men, a movie adapted from the dee-voon (and recently deceased) David Foster Wallace's book of short stories of the same name. As far as Your Mama is concerned, Mister Kransinski seems smarter than the average Hollywood heart throb if only because he actually knows who Dave Eggers is.

Anyhoo, property records show that Mister Krasinski scooped up his new digs in late February of 2009 and listing information shows the house sits down a long, gated driveway for maximum privacy and measures in at a modest 2,640 square feet. Before we get started Your Mama needs the children to recognize that the questionable day-core in the photos is not that of Mister Krasinski but of the previous owner of the home so don't waste your breath or time moaning over that two-tone sectional sofa in the media room or the silliness of that leather ottoman sitting in front of the fireplace looking all uncomfortable and out of place.

The front door opens to a hall lined with horizontally applied wood paneling (which is much nicer looking than it sounds) and leads to the living room wrapped with several sets of wood framed French doors and a fireplace where Mister Krasinski can snuggle up to his ladee-friend, who is the British-born and utterly lovely actress Emily Blunt. The light blond wood floors in the living room extend into the dining area as well as the kitchen where marble counter tops sit on white Shaker style cabinets. The kitchen is open to the living and dining room but seems somehow strangely outdated although none of the materials are particularly passé when it comes to current trends in kitchen design. Okay, maybe that glass and stainless steel parabolic hood over the range is yesterday's dee-zine news.

Property records show the Krasinski krib was originally built with 6 bedrooms and 4 bathrooms. However, listing information indicates several of the upstairs bedrooms have been combined leaving just 3 bedrooms including a master suite with attached pooper and home gym where we have a hard time imagining Mister Krasinski working on his pectoral muscles. Also on the second floor is a good sized media room with French doors that open to the slim balcony that runs along the back of the house. Somewhere on the property, according to listing information, is a guest house and we're not sure if these guest quarters are counted in the bedroom and terlit count on the listing.

A smallish swimming pool with a not very pretty concrete coping and terrace occupy much of the wee back yard area although there does appear to be a trellised area at one end and at the other a good sized terrace on the second floor overlooks the pool which, we hope, provides a bit of a view and even more importantly includes an exterior stair case to the pool deck.

As mentioned earlier, listing information indicated Marmot Avenue is a "celebrity cul-de-sac" and indeed there are a number of notable names nesting in Mister Krasinski's new neck of the hills. Comedian Jimmy Kimmel lives across the street in a large and recently completed contemporary crib, Nip/Tuck writer/producer/director Ryan Murphy lives up the hills in a modern residence he tried unsuccessfully to sell last year despite a $595,000 price chop from it's original asking price of $4,195,000 and the comely actress Cameron Diaz lives down the street a wee bit in a very private 2,469 square foot house she bought in May of 2001 for $1,342,513.

Your Mama Hears...

...from a woman we'll call Wendy Windbag that word on the Westchester County real estate gossip grapevine is that political power pair Bill and Hillary Clinton might soon have some property news to announce.

There have already been many rumors and multiple reports that Bill and Hill have been house hunting in Westchester County and some reports say they also peeped at a property just outside hippy-dippy and world famous Woodstock, NY in upstate New York.

We know nothing about the Demo duo shopping for a hideway in upstate New York, but according to Miss Windbag, the ex-President and current Secretary of State have made an offer on a new primary residence in Westchester County. Unfortunately, that's all the 411 Miss Windbag would reveal to Your Mama at this time but earlier reports indicate they want something bigger where they will be more comfortable entertaining.

When in Washington D.C., where Hill spends most of her time sans Bill, the former first couple shack up in a pretty brick Georgian number on Whitehaven Street NW and when in Chappaqua–that's in Westchester Country puppies, where Bill spends most of his time sans Hill, the Clintons own a 5 bedroom house on Old House Lane they scooped up in 1999 for $1,700,000.

UPDATE: Michael Jackson

Hold on to your boots babies because the disturbingly pallid and suspendered tee-vee talking head that is Larry King will be taking viewers on a tour of Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch. Tonight! Nine p.m. Eastern Standard. That's six pee-em for all the west coast children.

He will be joined by Jermaine Jackson and other "close friends." Pleeze jeezis let Lizzie Taylor be there along with the dee-voon Miss Ross, Uri Geller and that Dr. Tohme R. Tohme fellow who is, apparently, not actually a medical doctor of any kind but likes to be referred to as one anyway.

As we mentioned the other day, a little birdie snitched to Your Mama that this shadowy Tohme Tohme person, who was once described as Michael Jackson's manager, is in escrow to buy a big house on Bel Air's Stone Canyon Boulevard.

Now then...Your Mama thinks we've done flooded the damn car. Unless there is something real estate related that our little pea brain declares is vitally important or excessively inneresting, there will be no more discussing Michael Jackson, or as we liked to call him The White Lady. May he and all his wacky ways rest in peace.

We apologize...

...for two reasons.

The first is that we were blocked from posting anything this morning for unknown reasons.

Secondly because it seems that the gossip "media" is all Bernie Madoff and Michael Jackson all the time this last week and while we are considering putting a cork in our big mouth about these two enigmatic men, we haven't yet. So bear with us while we work out our own unnatural and unhealthy fascinations with these two troubled and unsettling souls.

Once upon a time there was a man with the unfortunate name of J. Ezra Merkin. While Merkin may be a perfectly benign (even banal) sounding surname to many, in Your Mama's world a merkin is a wig for the hoo-hoo. That's right, a wig for the hoo-hoo. Most people probably never knew such a doohickey actually existed, but yes chickens, a merkin is indeed a wig for a woman's kitty and can be had for as little at forty bucks at the beauty supply.

But we digress. Although saddled with a name that has surely brought him a few moments of withering ridicule, our Mister Merkin prevailed over that particular patronymic misfortune and became a ferociously rich financier and high-livin' hedge fund manager. In fact, Mister Merkin became so rich that in 1995 he paid billionaire biznessman Ron Perelman eleven million smackers for an 18-room doo-plex at 740 Park Avenue, one of the most restrictive, immoderately expensive and intriguing apartment buildings in all of Manhattan.

Like many hedge hogs and fat cat plutocrats, after making vast sums of money, Mister and Missus Merkin went on to amass a large modern art collection which eventually came to include gorgeously slender Giacometti sculptures and an almost unbelievable 12 Rothkos, constituting what some have said is the largest collection of the painter's work held in private hands.

Then along came big bad Bernie Madoff. By most accounts Mister Merkin funneled a staggering $2.4 billion bucks into Bernie's fraudulent enterprise all of which evaporated in Bernie Madoff's sinister financial wake. Although it's not yet been proven that Mister Merkin knew anything about Bernie's elaborate misdeeds and Mister Merkin, naturally, denies any culpability or knowledge, he is none the less in the firing line of irate investors who claim he lied to them about who exactly was managing their money. In short, they say he told them he was managing the money when, they say, he was actually just handing the money over to Bernie's sinking ship. A civil suit was filed against Mister Merkin in early April of 2009 by New York State Attorney General Andrew Cuomo who, as part of the ongoing investigation and civil suit, is "forcing" Mister Merkin to sell off his assets with proceeds going to investors whose money was turned over to Bernie Madoff.

Recent reports reveal that Mister Merkin is in the process of selling his art collection, including some or all of those pretty Rothkos that hang around his lavish spread at 740 Park Avenue. The NY Post reports that the sale involves, "10 to 15 pieces, mostly paintings by Rothko" for which an as yet unidentified buyer is said to be forking over a spine tingling $310,000,000. Your Mama likes to imagine that the buyer is one of Mister Merkin's many bizness nemisi who will no doubt derive great pleasure from stripping Mister Merkin of the fruits and spoils of his labor.

However, as much as we like art and modern art in particular, it's Mister Merkin's ritzy real estate holdings that interest Your Mama the most. The NY Post recently reported that in addition to liquidating his artworks, Mister and Missus Merkin are "laying the groundwork" for selling their dee-luxe doo-plex digs at 740 Park Avenue. Of course, upon reading that Your Mama and every other floor plan slut began to sweat with anticipation waiting for the listing to hit the pipeline.

Some reports say the 6th and 7th floor doo-lex could fetch as much at $50,000,000 but that seems rather optimistic to Your Mama given that the most recent sales at 740 Park Avenue include Vera Wang's $23,100,000 purchase of her parents' pad in 2007 and the $27,500,000 sale of Edith Haupt's 2 bedroom doo-plex on the 17th and 18th floors in 2006 to much maligned financier John Thain.

There is currently only one apartment at 740 on the open market and that is a 15-room, spread owned by oil heiress June Speight and her stockbroker huzband Randolph listed at $26,000,000. The 6,700 square foot doo-plex on the 4th and 5th floors has been on the open market for nearly a year and has already had $9,000,000 is price chops. Peter Huang's 4th and 5th floor doo-plex (right next door to the Speights) was listed in July of 2008 for a blistering $38,000,000 but after 5 months it was de-listed amid rumors that it was in contract (it was not according to author Michael Gross who hawk watches and reports on all things 740 Park Avenue). As was widely reported in the New York papers, Courtney Sale Ross' double-dooplex on the 12th and 13th floors (E. 71st Street entrance) may or may not be available for around $60,000,000...or $75,000,000 depending on who you ask.

At any rate, it seems crystal clear that Mister and Missus Merkin will be compelled to sell their 740 Park doo-plex along with whatever other hoity-toity assets Andy Cuomo says must be sold. What remains to be seen is when, for how much, and who will buy such a monstrous crib with a reported $15,000+ per month maintenance at a time when there are fewer and fewer buyers for such massive and massively priced apartments. We shall see children, we shall see. In the meantime be sure to ring Your Mama and let her know if you hear any dish on the doo-plex.

Records show that Mister and Missus Merkin also own a property in near Aspen, CO and a waterfront house on Bay Boulevard in Atlantic Beach that is surprisingly modest for a couple who shack up in one of the most expensive and exclusive buildings in Manhattan.

In other real estate related Madoff news...yesterday Bernie's wife Ruth was officially booted from her East 63rd Street penthouse perch. The U.S. Marshall notified Ruthie of the seizure and she was expected to be "leaving the residence and surrendering all personal property." Your Mama is no attorney so if any of you legal eagles know, what constitutes personal property? Could she take her expensive clothes? Her handbags? Jewelry? Shoes? Anything?

She still has $2.5 million that federal prosecutors have allowed her to keep but that is not protected from any civil suits that might be filed against her. The couple's other properties–in Palm Beach, Montauk and the South of France–were already seized leaving Ruthie with no where to go unless one of her sons or remaining friends takes her in.

UPDATE: Michael Jackson

Lard have mercy Your Mama is ready for all this Michael Jackson madness to come to a swift conclusion. However, in the interest of seeing something through to the bitter end (and, if we may be honest, keeping up with the Jones') we got a bit more 411 on what is to become of the Holmby Hills Estate where Mister Jackson met his untimely if not entirely surprising end.

According to the peeps at gossip juggernaut TMZ, who seem to have a direct line to all things Michael Jackson, the 3-story, 7 bedroom and 13 terlit mansion on N. Carolwood Drive is to be leased to fashion dee-ziner Christian Audigier.

Perhaps not coincidentally, the estate is currently owned by clothing manufacturer Hubert Guez who is, ta-da!, the CEO of Ed Hardy, one of the several flashy brands created by Mister Audigier. Apparently Mister Audigier is going to move his offices into the building. Your Mama hopes the property is zoned for business.

No word on what Mister Audigier will be paying (and frankly we do not care a lick), but it has been widely reported that Mister Jackson was paying a breath taking $100,000 per month. Maybe he expired after getting the rent bill.

UPDATE: Michael Jackson

The ever intrepid peeps at TMZ have got a hold of what is believed to be 49 snaps of recently deceased Michael Jackson's once beloved and later neglected Neverland Ranch as it exists today. Mister Jackson fled the Los Olivos, CA property in the aftermath of salacious child molestation allegations and an even more lurid jury trial in 2005. Although he was acquitted of the charges, Mister Jackson vowed never to live on the property again.

None the less, it is widely rumored and frequently reported that a public memorial and viewing of Mister Jackson's dead body will take place at the ranch this Friday, a situation sure to turn into a damn circus and which will likely attract all manner of looky-loos, fans, fanatics and bizarrely obsessed kooks who rank Mister Jackson right up there with Jesus.

However, there are also reports and rumors swirling that talk of a public memorial (and viewing) at Neverland Ranch are just that, talk. Some recent reports indicate that the Jackson family has not yet decided on how or where to memorialize the man-child and bury the body. Whoever it is that gets to decide these things better get it together quick though because, as sure as we have toenails, there are probably already too many people hopping in their hoopdies and heading towards their own damn fool notion of the promised land.*

Anyhoo, the buildings at Neverland Ranch all appear to have been cleared of the kiddie crap that Jackson was known to collect and the grounds cleaned up and spruced up by the folks at Colony Capital who swooped in at the last minute to save the financially beleaguered Mister Jackson from foreclosure.

It's unknown what plans Colony might have for the 2,600 acre property. It would make sense to Your Mama's pea brain they would want to sell it for a profit (that is the bizness they are in after all) but given that ownership of the property has been reported to be a joint venture between Colony and Mister Jackson (now his estate), there could be a bit of a tug of war depending on who wants to do what with the property. Regardless of what happens to the property it will be, for better or worse, associated with Mister Jackson and is lavishly weird lifestyle.

There are, of course, all sorts of unseemly rumors and reports sliding down the gossip grapevine about Neverland Ranch becoming Michael Jackson's Graceland or it being where Jackson will lie in state (ew!). We'll just have to wait and see. In death as in life for Mister Jackson, Your Mama would bet everything we have a whole slew of people are going to try really hard to make boo-coo bucks from the endeavor.

The country-style mock Tudor mansion is said to measure around 13,000 square feet and features lots large rooms with beamed ceilings, wood-paned windows, brick walls and wood floors. The children will note that the notorious cedar lined "secret room" is included in the cache of photographs and also that it appears Mister Jackson had a party-sized spa tub in his window wrapped master bathroom.

There are also pictures of the games house adjacent to the tennis court, the swimming pool, the empty elephant cages, the giraffe house, monkey cages, Bubbles' cage, the forlorn looking carnival grounds, the refurbished railway station, the movies house and on and on...

*A decision has been made by the Jackson family that there will be no public viewing at Neverland Ranch so all you people making a mad dash for the Santa Ynez Valley can turn your automobiles around and go home. A public memorial (not, thank heavens, a viewing) is being arranged.

photo: Pacific Coast News

Casino King Steve Wynn Lists Fifth Avenue Spread

SELLER: Steve and Elaine Wynn
LOCATION: Fifth Avenue, New York, NY
PRICE: $25,000,000
SIZE: 3,500 square feet (approx.), 2 bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: ...It is literally 3500+/- sq ft of immaculate renovation designed for ultimate comfort. Originally built in 1925 as a 13 room, 4 bedroom plus library apartment, it has recently been transformed into one of the most glamorous homes on Fifth Avenue with a master suite and bath created from 3 bedrooms...The original living room, formal dining room and library were combined into a living space which wows you as you enter this full floor apartment. There is a new formal dining room, a large guest bedroom with bath, an exquisite powder room an an electronics system second to none...

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: A few days ago, The New York Observer's real estate gossip boy wonder Max Abelson let the cat out of the bag about Las Vegas-based casino king Steve Wynn and his soon to be ex-wife Elaine listing their full floor Fifth Avenue pied a terre with an impressive asking price of $25,000,000. At the time, no listing was available online but one has since surfaced and Your Mama thought the children might like a look-see because hunnies it is a doozy.

Among other gambling facilities, the legally blind billionaire built and owned the Mirage and the art-filled Bellagio before selling it off to entertainment juggernaut MGM. Mister Wynn currently owns two hyperactively dee-luxe casino hotels on The Strip in Las Vegas, the eponymous Wynn Las Vegas and the newly opened Encore Las Vegas which reportedly cost an mind-altering $2.3 billion to build and is where he currently displays the 231-carat Wynn Diamond. I case y'all didn't know the Wynn Diamond is a "prune sized" and pear shaped bauble set by Cartier about which Missus Wynn once said, "It's the biggest ol’ diamond that we know about and that we can get our hands on that is not in some institution." She more recently told the LA Times, '"Nobody would pay any attention to the person wearing that stone," she says. "It's almost like a blinking light. It's meant to be a thing of nature."' Although it's probably vulgar to even think about owning such a brazenly ostentateous piece of jewelry, Your Mama is starting to like this Elaine ladee and her down home spin on her little sparkler. Wonder who's getting that in the dee-vorce.

Anyhoo, all records and reports indicate Mister Wynn and the soon to be ex-Missus Wynn scooped up their seventh floor spread in 2001 for about $7,000,000. Listing information indicates the unit measures 3,500+/- square feet while Mister Abelson's report states it's 3,900 square feet. Let's assume it's somewher in between. In 2004, according to multiple reports, a water pipe in ceiling busted, the apartment flooded and like all good Americans with money to burn the Wynns later sued the building, their neighbors and a number of inspectors and construction people over the matter.

We don't know (or care) how the legal brouhaha turned out but we do know that the Wynn crib was subjected to a radical reconfiguration in the subsequent renovation that transformed the 13-room and four bedroom Pre-War dowager into a sterile, oddly configured high roller hotel-suite sort of place with just 6 rooms including 2 bedrooms and 3.5 bathrooms.

According to the listing agent who spoke openly with Mister Abelson in that somewhat bloated, effusive and funny manner unique to real estate agents, the elevator opens to a private vestibule with "very discreet leather" lined walls which is nice because we'd really hate to have leather walls that screamed for attention. The front door opens directly into the commodious main living and entertaining space inexplicably and unfortunately fashioned out of what was once the living room, library and dining room. There are three large windows that are just high enough to peer over the treetops and into Central Park.

Tucked back into the corner of what was once the dining room is, as Mister Abelson rather humorously called it, an "eat-in media center" where a substantially sized section sofa sits opposite a large built in flat screen tee-vee. According to the listing agent, this room '"has no table, but what would you call those things that sit in front of a couch? A little lower than a table? You can eat there; you can watch TV."' That would be a tee-vee tray Mister real estate agent. 'Nuff said.

A powder pooper and itty bitty coat closet barely big enough for even one of those bulky full length sable coat things rich ladees in New York like so much is tucked around the corner and down the hall from the living room. The corridor leads to the well equipped but deeply unispired kitchen and the oddly located beige and mauve colored dining room which appears to have been carved out of what Your Mama imagines was once the staff suite. A concealed door in the dining room open into a large laundry and utility room. It's nice the door is concealed and it's wonderful to have an actual laundry room in a New York City apartment so that Svetlana would not have to have hissy fits about dragging the dirty clothes to a laundromat, but we can't get over the complete lack of sense it makes to tuck a dining room way back in the back of the apartment. Although not much better, it might make more sense to move the dining room back up into its original location and make that dining room into a "media center." This fix, however, does not take into account the bizarre combination of three bedrooms into one giant and ill-configured master suite.

Floor plan information provided with the listing indicates that the master bedroom is the one located at the front of the apartment facing Fifth Avenue and Central Park. This certainly makes sense given that this is the bedroom that offer direct access into the his and her bedroom sized bathrooms where, we regret to inform, the closets are also located. However, the listing photo of that bedroom appears to be outfitted with only a twin sized bed. We'll leave the children to speculate about that. The rear bedroom includes three closets, a small pooper and a bed that will comfortably fit more than one person.

It remains to be seen if the wildly rich Wynns can get anywhere near twenty-five million clams particularly given that the last apartment in the building to sell, according to StreetEasy, was a full floor number on the sixth floor that sold in April of 2005 for $8,600,000. Records reveal that 3,450 square foot residence was sold by still sexy actor Richard Gere and purchased by Edmond and Marielle Safra. Mister Safra is, of course the nephew of deceased financier Edmond J. Safra and his formidable widow Lily who–all the children surely recall–owns the legendary Villa Leopolda.

Previous reports reveal that in July of 2005 Mister and Missus Wynn sold their 12,162 square foot manse located on 4.6 acres smack in the center of the unnaturally verdant Shadow Creek Golf Course for around $15,500,000 and decamped for a private villa at the Wynn Las Vegas. Now that the Wynns have gone splitsville and are are likely headed for one of the most expensive dee-vorces ever, it's unclear where each of them is living. However, there are six private villas at the Wynn Las Vegas not available to the public and recent reports indicate one is undergoing a renovation and it is whispered among people who care about these things that it is being prepared for Mister Wynn and his new and younger ladee-friend who has been identified as a late forties British born dee-vorcee named Andrea Hissom.

In addition to whatever other real estate he may own and like all good moguls, Mister Wynn also owns a boat called Allegro that measures in at a whopping 183-feet long.