Joan Rivers Puts a Big Number on Her Penthouse

SELLER: Joan Rivers
LOCATION: East 62nd Street, New York, NY
PRICE: $25,000,000
SIZE: 5,190 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 4.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: ...The Penthouse boasts a suite of superb reception rooms, a dramatic 2-story Gallery & light-flooded Living Room with original architectural detail painstakingly restored by museum-trained artisans. These rooms are distinguished by soaring 23’ high ceilings, exquisite original boiserie, elegant parquet-de-Versailles flooring and original marble fireplace surrounds. A spacious corner paneled Library and well-proportioned Formal Dining Room featuring 18th century French panels overlook a sunny, south-facing terrace with majestic views of the city and Central Park....

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Your Mama loves us some Joan Rivers with her potty mouth, scathing humor and a face that looks like Madame. So when we heard from New York Ned and then read in the New York Times that the sassy septuagenarian had listed her Upper East Side doo-plex penthouse we just about peed our pants.

It should come as no surprise that the ballsy and brassy Miz Rivers–who is, let's be honest, thisclose to becoming a clownish caricature of herself in the same plastic surgery vein as Cher and Michael "The White Lady" Jackson–listed her 5,190 square foot penthouse on swank East 62nd Street with a ballsy, brassy and blistering $25,000,000.

Property records are a bit wacky on this one, but as best as we can tell from the people at Property Shark is that Miz Rivers purchased the 3 bedroom and 4.5 penthouse condominium in 1988 for an unknown amount of money but an amount that we would bet our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly was a fraction of the current asking price.

Listing information reveals Miz Rivers' residence sits atop a 42-foot wide limestone mansion built in 1903 by noted architect Horace Trumbauer in "the neo-French Classic style" for a ladee named Alice Troth Drexel who had married into the famous Drexel banking family of Philadelphia. Sometime later the once grand house was chopped up into 12 condominiums, at least some of which still feature original details.

Miz River's aerie, according to listing information, includes a "dramatic" gallery and living room with 23-foot ceilings, parquet de Versailles flooring, original fireplace surrounds, and original boiserie which is really a nice gay decorator word for carved paneling. Miz Rivers has had a Fort Knox worth of gilding done in the main reception room and in the larger of the two, which looks like the sort of place in which Marie Antoinette might feel comfortable, the ceiling has been painted like a clouded sky. Your Mama wonders if a system of fiber optic lighting hoo-has turns that blue day sky into a dark night sky with twinkling stars just like the ceiling does at that horrid mall at Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas.

The dining room has much lower ceilings than the reception rooms, but is no less ornate with it's 18th century mirrored panels and gilded details. We're sort of surprised to even see a dining room in Miz Rivers' residence because we thought the crass comedian had stopped eating about 100 years ago and instead just injects herself with a combination of nutrients, Restylane and formaldehyde.

The library, with its wonderfully wacky Cheetah print carpeting includes more paneling, another original marble fireplace mantel, built in book shelves with actual books–say what you will about Miz Rivers' but at least the beehwatcha reads–and a giant dark caramel colored tufted sofa where she probably sat and watched herself on the boob-toob while she won the most recent season of that deplorable Donald Trump's Apprentice.

The dining room opens to a tiled and planted terrace which is a lovely feature but does anyone really imagine that Miz Rivers actually sits out there? She's really not a creature made for being out of doors unless it's to dash from the back of a car to the front door of a building. She's not a vampire, of course, but certainly the sun would quickly shrivel and melt the ol' gurl in 2 minutes or less.

The New York Times reported that Miz Rivers wants to sell her penthouse of old-school Upper East Side opulence in order to move to California to be closer to her daughter Melissa, who lives in Los Angeles and is the surgified spitting image of her mother.

Other showbizzy residents of Miz Rivers' building include film producer Alan Ladd Jr. and Tessa Kennedy who is the mother of actor Cary Elwes and film agent Cassian Elwes.

Miz Rivers also owns a country house north of New York City in Litchfield County, Cee-Tee.

More Mish Mash

Your Mama has a bit more mish mashing to do this Friday morning. We are going to try to be brief today (which we rarely are) because Your Mama has to run out to the LAX to pick up our finely feathered and usually drunk friend Fiona Trambeau who is winging her way down to celebrate her 147th birthday. And children, trust Your Mama when we tell you that we absolutely must not be late or else there will be trouble. See, our little lamb is terrified of flying and last time she headed down for a visit she steeled her worked nerves with half a dozen early morning Bloody Marys and ended up on the baggage pick-up turnstile in just her pantyhose and tube top squealing like a pig because her pie-eyed mind thought she was riding the damn Matterhorn at Disneyland. Well, we do not need to tell the children, Your Mama does not care to have a repeat of that ugly situation.

Okay then, here we go...

1.
Even since before high-haired super star singer Rihanna vacated her colorful rental house in the Los Feliz area of Los Angeles, she was out shopping for a new house to buy. Your Mama kept hearing whispers coming down the gossip grapevine that she was peepin' and a pokin' around very contemporary cribs in the Hills of Hollywood in the five to six million smackers neighborhood.

Next came rumors and reports that Miss Riri scooped up a big ol' house in Bel Air for twelve million dollars. Not true. At least not as far as we could figure. Then she disappeared from Your Mama's celebrity real estate radar until yesterday when she popped up in the Gimme Shelter column of the New York Post which reported that Miss Riri is relocating to Noo York City for the summer and will be forking over $18,000 to shack up in a Soho building with a part time doorman.

Listing information for Riri's rental shows the 2,305 square foot spread includes a living/dining room with 4 windows over looking Greene Street, a small but well equipped kitchen with sparkling white counter tops, a master suite that occupies on its own floor and includes a sitting area, bedroom, walk-in closet and a windowless bathroom. Downstairs there are two more windowless poopers, a windowless office space and two bedrooms, one of which opens to the 464 square foot terrace that Your Mama can promise the children offers not a bit of privacy so it's a good thing Miss Riri is planning on tenting the terrace. At least that's what the Post is reporting she's a-gonna do. Enjoy New York City Miss Riri and be sure to tell The Chicken Your Mama said hello when you see her.

2.
A couple of weeks ago we gave a run down on all the wildly rich residents of 820 Fifth Avenue which is, as all the children now know, one of the most exclusive buildings in all of Manhattan. At the time we were stumped as to who owns the 10th floor. We know that part of the 1oth floor has been doo-plexed the the ninth floor unit owned by financier Michael David-Weill but we couldn't sort out who owns the remainder of the 10th floor. Turns out, the owner/occupant is Belgium, at least according to an informant we'll call Le Échotier. Apparently, the government of Belgium uses the co-operative unit as the residence for the Consul General and has set the place up with "a small amount of office space, a waffle iron, and Belgian and American flags intertwined here and there." A waffle iron! That was funny.

3.
Yesterday Your Mama mentioned that porcelain skinned and cold-eyed Australian actress Nicole Kidman sold off her Darling Point digs that clung to a hillside overlooking the glistening waters of the Sydney Harbor for $13,200,000 (AUS)*.

Since then a couple of kangaroos have whispered in Your Mama's ear that Miz Kidman and her country crooning huzband Keith Urban snatched up a 420 square meter** duplex penthouse for which they reportedly laid out around $6,000,000 (AUS).***

The Lavender Street apartment complex, according to recent reports, is just a hop, skip and a jump from the Greenwich Peninsula homes of Miz Kidman Cruise Urban's parents and television presenter sister Antonia Hawley and her litter of little ones. The two floor aerie is said to include 3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms, open plan living areas that open to wide terraces that overlook the Sydney Harbor.

* $13,200,000 Australian equals $10,308,012 at today's rates
** 420 square meters equals 4,521 square feet
*** $6,000,000 Australian equals $4,685,460 at today's rates

4.
Our Fairy Godmother in Beverly Hills just rang our bell to let us know that noted Los Angeles property developer John Bersci has finally gone to escrow on his historic personal residence which he first listed with an asking price $11,495,000 but has had to slash all the way down to $7,995,000 before a buyer presented him or herself. Well, good for Mister Bersci.

5.
Speaking of house flippers, back in mid-April of 2009, Your Mama had a sit down with our gabby gal pal Kenny Kissentell who let it slip that talent manager turned high end house flipper Sandy Gallin was fixing to put his latest Bel Air project on the market with an asking price so high we dared not repeat it when we relayed the rumor to the children because our ears simply could not believe the figure Kenny was passing along to Your Mama was correct. Turns out, Miss Kissintell was right. We should have known. Beehawtcha always is.

Miss Gallin rarely puts his posh properties on the open market, but times are tough for sellers of 8-figure residential real estate extravaganzas in the Platinum Triangle so he's listed the Siena Way residence with a couple of high profile real estate agent men named Kurt and Ernie who are marketing the entirely over-hauled house with a hair raising asking price of $32,000,000.

Some of the children may recall that Miss Gallin purchased the Siena Road residence from the estate of Emmy winning Hollywood actress Jane Wyatt back in the spring of 2007 for about eight million clams. Anyhoo, ever since then he and his team of smart architects and nice gay (and probably well-built) decorators have been bizzy as beavers giving the elegant and dignified Paul Williams designed manse a full face lift, a fine set of veneers and a really good boob job, meaning he gussied up and restored what he could, replaced what was not, and added a huge new wing that increased the size of the stately estate to a reported (and huge) 12,000+ square feet. Your Mama hates to call Miss Gallin a real estate size queen, but when the shoe fits...

The newly rehabbed residence, according to listing information, includes 7 bedrooms and 12 bathrooms including an entire wing devoted to a master suite with dual bath suites so that the owners need never bear the indignity of pooping in the same terlit. The front door, flanked by two perfect oval windows, opens to the front hall where Your Mama was thrilled to see that Miss Gallin retained the original curving staircase. Well done chappy. The living room opens into what listing information calls a "living lounge" which opens to a serene and commodious covered porch with a cobblestone floor, fireplace, and vines that cling to the chunky square pillars.

In addition to all the expected rooms, listing information indicates the house includes a kitchen of stone and stainless steel (with a large and potentially lethal pot rack), a billiards pub (which sounds like a conscious attempt to man up the house), a glass-encased wine room (hello!), a media room with a gigantic u-shaped sectional sofa, a ginormous gym (y'all know how the gays and Hollywood hotties like to work them muscles), steam room (ahem...), a fully equipped guest house and a yoga room. Good heavens, does every rich person in L.A. still do the yoga?

The grounds too, natch, have been completely re-worked and including a narrow driveway and motor court of crushed pebble–which surely sounds dee-voon under the tires of a $400,000 Rolls Royce Phantom–and a back yard of unnaturally green and prairie flat lawns that are accessible from many of the main rooms. The swimming pool is a heroic 100+ feet long. Think about that for a second...one hundred feet long. There are also, according to listing information, fountains that flow over river rock and "concealed" spots under garden arbors for quiet contemplation and gin and tonic drinking.

Listen kids, Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter are not nor ever will be in the thirty-two million dollar housing market, but if we were, this isn't so far from what we'd want even though we think thirty two million is a hell of a lot of money for this house. None the less, we swoon over traditional shells with properly and masterfully modernized interiors...minus the gym and the yoga room of course, because we'd prefer to leave all that pushing, pulling, gyrating and pretzeling to all the body fascists and youth chasers that people the streets of Los Angeles, of which Your Mama is neither.

Now then, we gotta go gas up the big BMW and haul it down to the aeropuerto to snatch up Miz Trambeau before...well, you know.

Thursday Morning Mish Mash

We've got a few celebrity real estate items we need to get off our chest.

1.
In early March of 2009 singer/actor/songwriter Jessie McCartney listed his house in the Hills of Hollywood for lease at $4,900 per month. While Your Mama has no idea if anyone actually leased the modernized 2 bedroom and 2.5 bathroom cottage, we do know that the entertainment mini-mogul who currently appears on some program we've never heard of called GRΣΣK, recently listed the modest and comfortable looking La Granada Drive domicile for sale with an asking price of $1,199,000.

2.
Last week, Your Mama discussed the real estate melodrama facing toothy Manhattan socialite Marisa Noel Brown and her (former) financier husband Matt who bought an East 78th Street townhouse in January of 2008 for $13,500,000, gutted it, had plans drawn up for a multi-million dollar renovation and just last week flipped it back on the market with a much lower than they bought it for asking price of $12,000,000.

At the time we discussed the brouhaha, we had not seen the floor plan but since then a plan has popped up and since Your Mama knows all the children love them a little floor plan porn we figured it might be fun to peruse the plans Missus Noel Brown had for her new crib before the primary (if not sole) source of their riches–her father's failed hedge fund–went belly up.

A quick peep over the layout (below) tells Your Mama that Mister and Missus Brown hired the right architect for the job because for a somewhat narrow townhouse the floor plan appears well resolved, easily lived in and almost entirely free of the funky formations and awkward transitions too frequently seen in these skinny New York City townhouses.
Of special note is the full floor master with a generously sized sitting room that looks to Your Mama's boozy eyeballs to have two fireplaces, a bedroom that features a large if not exactly private window looking out over the wee gardens behind all the neighboring properties and a long dressing area and bath that connects the two spaces.

We would also like to point out that both the elevator and the elegantly oval staircase service all seven floors, that each of the 5 family bedrooms has a private pooper as do the 4th floor study and the garden level staff room which is, we have to say, punishingly puny. Up on the top floor we're thrilled to see not only a front facing terrace that probably has a sliver view of Central Park, but also an outdoor kitchen for summertime grillin' and chillin'.

We're sure the new owner will want to hire their own architect and put their own stamp on the design, but they might consider saving themselves a few pennies by working with the plans Mister and Missus Brown's plans because they're good. We know y'all like to sass and complain but you do gotta admit, they are good.

3.
We do not normally discuss properties featured in films because they don't generally belong to rich and famous people. However, since we have been getting dozens of emails about the glassy suburban Chicago house featured in Ferris Bueller's day off that has been listed for sale at $2,300,000, we're going to flip you over to Mister Big Time who has all the 411 anyone might want on the stunning property that is in serious need of a complete restoration/redo.

4.
In late February of 2009, Your Mama discussed the 21 terlit Bel Air behemoth that noted philanthropist and art patron Iris Cantor heaved onto the market with a toe curling asking price of $53,000,000. Turns out the ladeee has also listed a New York City penthouse (floor plan below) with an asking price of $11,900,000.
Missus Cantor, for those who do not know, is the wildly rich widow of Bernie Cantor, the founder of the financial services firm Cantor Fitzgerald. Some of the children will recognize the Cantor (Fitzgerald) name as the company that suffered devastating human losses on 9/11 due to their location on the 101st-105th floors of One World Trade Center. Others will recognize the Cantor name from one of New York City's greatest outdoor treasures, the soo-blime Iris and B. Gerald Cantor Roof Garden at the Metropolitan Museum of Art.

Anyhoo, as pointed out by Mister Abelson at the NY Observer, the real story isn't that The Widda Cantor listed the 3,906 square foot co-operative at 110 Central Park South. Oh no. The juicy news is that she bought the 4 bedroom and 4.5 bathroom spread in May of 2006 for "about $15,000,000" and, as mentioned above, currently has it on the market at $11,900,000. Missus. Cantor's wizened real estate agent told Mister Abelson that Mrs. Cantor never occupied the 24th floor apartment that carries colossal monthly maintenance of $13,500.

Listing information on StreetEasy shows that Mrs. Cantor listed the 4-terrace aerie in May of 2008 with an asking price of $16,000,000. Four months later the price was hacked to $14,000,000 and just last week she had a go at the asking price again, chopping off $2,100,000 bringing the current number to $11,900,000 which is somewhere around $3,000,000 less than she paid for the place. Less!

Now surely Missus Cantor can afford to lose three million clams without having to go on the food stamps. However, Your Mama does not care how rich a person may be, it still hurts like the dickens to lose three million smackers on an ill-timed real estate purchase.

P.S. Iffin eleven and some million isn't in your budget but you still want to live up in 110 Central Park South, listing information indicates that Missus Cantor would also be willing to lease the apartment at $35,000 per month.

5.
We hear from Babbling Babette that American Idol judge and (former?) pill popper Paula Abdul is house hunting. In Tarzana, CA. It is Your Mama's understanding that she made a three million dollar offer on a house in the guard gated Mulholland Park community which was not accepted. Ugh. Yawn. Whaaaat?

6.
We also hear from a gentleman we'll call Famous Freddie that word on New York City's West 12th Street is that Scientolofreak Tom Cruise and his baby maker Katie Cruise bought a mid-block townhouse that records reveal recently sold for $15,075,000. Now children, Your Mama has zero confirmation about whether there is any truth to this real estate tale so do not go speaking on this like it's gospel. It's just rumor and gossip at this point. Besides, we always took Mister Cruise as the full-service doorman building type of guy rather than a townhouse sort of fella if only because a townhouse would put him at the mercy of doorbell ditchers and fervent fans who might think it's cute to stand out front of the building flashing their naughty bits and hollering about how much they loved Top Gun.

7.
And lastly, Your Mama received a very lovely and friendly email from a ladee named Lynne Langdon who is the listing agent (and owner) of a house in the Hollywood Hills we discussed earlier this week. She kindly asked that we correct a error regarding the listing information indicating the house is "celebrity owned." See kids, we thought the celebrity being referred to was Miz Langdon, who was indeed a bit of a star in China as it turns out. However, the celebrity Miz Langdon was referring to in the listing, she says, is her huzband, a celebrity photographer named Harry Langdon who may not be much of a household name himself but has snapped photographs of and head short for dozens of famous folks including Aretha Franklin, Tyra-nosaurus Banks, Governator Arnold Schwarzenegger, Ryan Seacrest and Mister Missy Elliot, Halle Berry and Christina Applegate.

UPDATE: 820 Fifth Avenue

A couple of short weeks ago, Your Mama gave a thorough run down on all the ridiculously rich residents of 820 Fifth Avenue, one of New York City's most exclusive apartment houses where the famously fussy and fearsome board has been known to reject purchase applications of big name and big money buyers like mono-monikered stitch bitch Valentino, bald billionaire Ron Perelman, casino tycoon Steve Wynn, oil heir Freddie Koch and pharmaceutical heiress Libbet Johnson who was reportedly cleared to purchase one apartment but nixed when she inquired about buying both the fourth and the fifth floors in order to create a monumentally massive duplex situation.

In our little discussion, Your Mama discussed the 4th floor spread currently owned by real estate magnate Ara Hovnanian and his abstract ar-teest wifey Rachel. According to New York City real estate tattler Max Abelson at the NY Observer, the Hovnanians recently and quietly floated their full floor apartment on the market with a heart stopping asking price of $36,000,000.

Shortly after Mister Abelson let the Hovnanian real estate cat out of the bag, Miss Beeswax whispered to Your Mama that the Hovnanians had already secured a contract to sell the apartment to an unknown buyer and all that remained to seal the deal was for the wannabe resident of 820 to pass muster with the iron-fisted board and more specifically with the 3rd floor resident, high society doyenne Jayne Wrightsman who is rumored to hold the keys of the Golden Kingdom at 820 even though she does not technically sit on the board.

This week, Mister Abelson came right out and identified the wannabe resident of 820 as 40-something year old real estate wunderkind Jeff Blau and his nutrition nut wifey Lisa. Mister Blau, the head honcho at the real estate juggernaut Related Companies, reportedly offered thirty one million smackers for the Hovnanian apartment but, according to one of Mister Abelson's seemingly very well placed sources, before Mister Blau could write that big check he received word from the board that "it would not be appropriate to go forward with the application." Oh, ouch. The market may be down but apparently the boards of New York's most difficult to access buildings are going to maintain a stiff upper lip and adhere to their stringent (and arcane) standards for gaining entry. It's a weird world ain't it children?

Before anyone throws a real estate pity party for Mister and Missus Blau remember that just last year the deep pocketed pair forked over $21,000,000 for Scott Bommer's full floor apartment at tony 1040 Fifth Avenue which is, of course, the same building Jackie-O called home for about a thousand years before her death.

UPDATE: Sheree Whitfield

Listen puppies, y'all know Your Mama does not like to dance on the real estate grave of anybody. However, sometimes we just can't help it. Egotastic Atlanta Housewife Sheree Whitfield presented herself as an arrogant, selfish and myopic ladee who play-acted that she was richer, more stylish and possessed more class than all the other ladees on The Real Housewives of Atlanta. Pleeze. It wasn't just the damn editing by Bravo's cunning and crafty editors that made Miz She By Sheree look like a damn fool, beehawtcha didn't display an ounce of humility on The Real Housewives of Atlanta reunion show neither and now, Miss High and Mighty result has been pushed off her pedestal.

First there were mad rumors hurtling down the gossip grapevine that she was bouncing checks for cakes and private investigators. Then, as Your Mama discussed in late December of 2008, egotastic Atlanta Housewife Miz She By Sheree Whitfield, listed her 8,903 square foot Sandy Springs, GA mansion with an asking price of $2,850,000.

The high price (and the bad juju Miz She By Sheree left behind) kept buyers away and eventually the asking price dipped to around $2,400,000 before it was ripped off the market and seized by the bank in foreclosure. That's right children, Miz She By Sheree's real estate pride and joy was taken by the bank. As we understand, Miz She By Sheree was actually booted from the Sandy Springs crib by her ex-huzband who was awarded the house in the dee-vorce. So technically, it was Mister Whitfield who allowed the house to go into foreclosure. This seems an odd choice for a rich man, but one probably designed to stick a stake into the heart of his ex-wife at the expense and comfort of his children.

Anyhoo, soon the bank-owned property on Long Island Drive in Suburban Atlanta was re-listed with an asking price of just $959,000. After only 9 days on the market, the house went to contract and sold for what listing information shows was $1,100,000. The children will note that Miz She By Sheree (or somebody) took the kitchen appliances when the premises were vacated.

Do we even want to know where Miz Thing has landed her 747 of an ego? We're not sure our weak heart could handle the humiliation by proxy, but wouldn't it just be dee-lishus if Miz She By Sheree was shacked up in NeNe's basement? Oh lawhd, now that would be some damn fine poetic justice.

Kirsten Dunst Lists Nichols Canyon Crib

SELLER: Kirsten Dunst
LOCATION: Nichols Canyon Road, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $1,700,000
SIZE: 2,062 square feet, 3 bedrooms 2.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: An inviting Mid-Century home awaits atop the much desired Nichols Canyon area of the Hollywood Hills. Behind massive gates and a state of the art security system sits a home updated by Brian Murphy and designed by Hallworth Designs. This celebrity retreat comes complete with 3 bedrooms and 2.5 baths. The living room hints at just a few of the luxuries of this home with heated floors, a pitched ceiling and exposed beams. Curl up with a book in front of the fireplace in the reading nook adjacent

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: This morning, while swilling sugared up coffee and waiting for our afternoon appointment to roll around, we absent mindedly perused all the new listings around the dog friendly Runyan Canyon area–where Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter often walk our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly–and came across a modest if not cheap Nichols Canyon property listed at $1,700,000 that we immediately identified as being owned by actress Kristen Dunst who, for some reason, Your Mama likes to call Little Miss Kiki.

Along with her long and impressive list of film credits (The Virgin Suicides, Bring It On, Mona Lisa Smile, Marie Antoinette and, of course the Spider-Man franchise), Little Miss Kiki also has a long and impressive list of hook-ups, romantic liaisons and relationships with high profile males including but not limited to Drew Barrymore's on and off again boytoy Justin Long, actors Josh Hartnett, Ryan Gosling, Orlando Bloom, Andy Samberg, Zach Braff and Tobey Maguire, rock stars Johnny Borrell , Fabrizio Moretti and Adam Levine. But then again, what single Hollywood acktress of note hasn't Mister Levine laid?

Anyoo, property records show that Miss Dunst purchased her Nichols Canyon Road residence in December of 2003 for $1,250,000. This was back when Little Miss Kiki was paired up with up an up and coming superstar named Jake Gyllenhaal, who reportedly lived in sin with out Little Miss Kiki in this very house.

Listing information and property records indicate the modest house measures 2,062 square feet with 3 bedroom and 2.5 bathroom. The house hides behind solidly impressive gates and up a curving driveway to a small motor court with a small front facing two car garage where Little Miss Kiki and her current male companion–whomever that may be–can enter and exit without being snapped by the paps. Listing information also reveals the property is protected by a state of the art security system so any of you idiots who think it might be cute to go ringing up on Little Miss Kiki's bell should expect to be electrocuted, sprayed with mace, hosed down with boiling water and/or even worse.

For a small house, the the front entrance hall is large and is separated from the sunken formal living room by a pretty pair of capiz shell curtains painstakingly made by the lightening quick hands of a gal named Gwen who happens to be one of Your Mama's good pals back in the En-Why-Cee. The living room appears to have heated terrazzo floors, a peaked and beamed ceiling painted an airy white, navy walls (which sounds awful but does not look nearly as horrid as we might imagine), and a paned sliding glass door that opens to a large multi-level entertainment deck sitting in the tree tops at the front of the property.

The dining room sports glossy white floors, an even more shiny dining room table surrounded six dining room chairs and two wing back chairs on the ends, and the rear wall has been fitted with custom cabintery which makes for perfect storage for things like linens, board games and bongs. We're not saying Little Miss Kiki stores her bongs there, we're just saying that if she did have bongs to store, this would be an excellent spot for them.

The glossy white floors continue into the all stainless steel and marble kitchen which already has our imperious house gurl Svetlana turning cartwheels with conniption and looks nice if you don't have small children with filthy hands or canines with wet noses. A sky lit and all white breakfast area would feel a little bit surgical suite if it were not for the large teak table and chairs that provide a welcome relief to all the blinding stainless steel, glistening white floors and sleek white cabinetry.

In the family room, an entire wall has been custom fitted with gorgeous wood cabinetry that hides all the electronics and one of the Little Miss Kiki's many wing back chairs sits in the corner by the paned slider that opens to the front deck.

The high-gloss and slippery looking white wood floor is continued into the master bedroom where Little Miss Kiki and her team of nice gay decorators have kept in clean with just an over-sized upholstered headboard, heavy ivory curtains with a navy blue palm tree patten and another of wing back chair from Little Miss Kiki's collection. A secluded court yard area off the master bedroom has a patch of lawn for and an in ground spa for romantical evenings with whatever man-friend Little Miss Kiki currently fancies.

Property records and previous reports indicate that Miss Dunst will go far from homeless once someone snatched up her Nichols Canyon hideaway. In 2001 Miss Dunst purchased a 4,333 square foot house on Toluca Lake Avenue which we believe is occupied by her family. On the east coast, records show that in July of 2007 she forked over three million Spider Man dollars for an 8th floor co-operative crib in the same Canal Street building where rock star Michael Stipe forked over $5,750,000 for Casey Affleck's 8th floor unit in January of 2007.

David Niven Jr. Lists Bird Street Nest

SELLER: David Niven Jr.
LOCATION: Blue Jay Way, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $5,750,000
SIZE: 4,808 square feet, 6 bedrooms, 7 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Extraordinary architectural villa in estate section of the Sunset Strip. Fabulous family room / kitchen ideal for the gourmet chef. Dramatic living room opens to pool & rose garden w/ tree top views & amazing outdoor entertainment pool area. Features include: sky lights, high ceilings, crown molding, hardwood, terrazzo & tile flooring. Library, spacious master suite w/ dble bath & closets plus 5 bedrooms each w/ bath. Pure style sophistication & privacy.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Sometime over the long Memorial Day weekend, as we sat on the sofa hooked up to an IV drip dropping a steady stream of gin and tonic directly into Your Mama's veins while watching the opening rounds of the French Open, we received a covert communique from Our Fairy Godmother in the Sunset Strip who informed us that David Niven Jr. listed his house on Blue Jay Way with an impressively optimistic asking price of $5,750,000.

Mister Niven Junior's famous father is, as any moe-ron could figure out, the Oscar winning, pencil 'stached Tinseltown legend David Niven. Junior, who was born in England and whose name appears in the Peerage thanks to his mother's semi-royal bloodline, went on to produce a few films (The Girl with the Hungry Eyes, Psycho Cop Returns, Blue Flame), work as an entertainment executive and promote philanthropic causes such as Recording Artists, Actors & Athletes Against Drunk Driving.

Property records show that Mister Niven Jr. purchased his Bird Street nest in November of 1983 for $1,200,000, which was a lot of damn money for a house back in 1983. Records filed with the County of Los Angeles show the "L" shaped "villa" measures in at 4,808 square feet and listing information indicates there are 6 bedrooms and 7 bathrooms including a master suite with dual baths and dressing closets.

Located just above the Sunset Strip and all those celeb friendly outdoor eateries along Sunset Boo-lay-vard in the Sunset Plaza, the in need of an update residence will appeal to all those Ed Hardy wearing Hollywood "producer" sorts who spend a lot of time in tight black jeans and hanging out at the Sky Bar hoping to snag a too tan wannabe starlet with 5-inch Lucite heels, fake chee-chees, and naive dreams of seeing her face on the silver screen.

The children are going to skewer Your Mama for saying this but, here it goes anyway...Although the rose colored wallpaper is heinous, the parquet floors are tired, the built-in shelves bizarrely off-center, and the fireplace mantel far too diminutive for a room of this scale, there is–if you'll look closely–a kind of decorative sophistication to the large living room where all that rose colored, traditionally shaped and upholstered furniture is played against the Lucite and glass coffee tables. We know we're being uncharacteristically charitable, but once upon a time, before all the Los Angeles property flippers started trying to make every house look like a freaking Armani furniture showroom, this kind of mix and match day-core was considered to be quite chic. Or maybe all that gin has finally turned Your Mama's mind into baby food.

Anyhoo, the wood floored library has been painted a visually uncomfortable and not particularly dignified shade of royal blue and has large floor to ceiling windows, built in bookcases topped with a large, carved shell detail and an obscene beige colored leather sofa that, fortunately, will be removed once the property is sold. In the dining room, china cabinets with the same sea-shell detail as seen in the library flank sliding doors to the rear terrace. Sliding doors? For reals? Sliding doors? Like this is some sort of tract house in Bakersfield? Pleeze.

Anyhoo, the open plan kitchen, breakfast and family rooms have been done over and include white, glass fronted cabinets that rather disconcertingly do not reach the ceiling, sand colored granite counter tops, a beige tile floor, a mac-daddy Viking range that costs as much as a damn Kia and a large work island under a gigantic pyramid shaped skylight which we can only hope has some sort of UV deflecting coating lest Chef be fried up like a bug under a magnifying glass.

The house wraps around a courtyard where a long rectangular pool is surrounded by wide entertainment terraces perfect for cocktail parties, nood sunbathing and the riding of Big Wheels by any resident tots.

According to bits and pieces we read on the interweb, Mister Niven Jr. lives primarily in the UK. And to be honest puppies, given that bit of information, this Bird Street residence could very easily be occupied by someone other than Mister Niven Jr., someone like, say, Barbara Niven, otherwise known as ex-Mrs. Niven Jr. But we don't know because, truthfully children, Your Mama don't know nuthin' from nuthin.

UPDATE: Nicole Kidman

Thanks to a number of cobbers Down Under, Your Mama has learned that Australian actress Nicole Kidman Cruise Urban has finally sold her Darling Point digs which she quietly listed in the spring of 2008 with a rumored asking price of $20,000,000 (AUS). Recent reports identified the new owner of the Yarranabbé Road property overlooking sensational Sydney Harbor as an Australian born, Monaco based former stockbroker who coughed up $13,200,000 (AUS)–or $10,337,052 US bucks at today's rates–for the 3 story and 4 bedroom villa that is reported to measure a whopping 1,068 square meters, a number or trusty currency conversion thingamabob reveals is around 11,500 square feet.

Miz Kidman, who reportedly sold off the villa because there was very little outdoor space for baby Urban, has not given up her Aussie real estate roots altogether. Sometime in the summer of 2008, porcelain skinned and puffy lipped Mis Kidman and her country music crooning huzband Keith Urban splashed out around $6,500,000 for a 110 acre spread called Bunya Hill in the Southern Highland area about 1.5 hours outside Sydney.

Back in the United States, Miz Kidman and Mister Urban own a couple of properties in the Nashville, TN area including a big house in a gated suburban Nashville community for which they dumped $3,470,000 in April of 2008 so they would have a place to shack up while building new digs on a 36 acre farm in nearby Franklin, TN.

Also in the summer of 2008, Mrs. Tall and Mister Short forked over $4,700,000 for a contemporary 5 bedroom house in the same Beverly Hills Post Office neighborhood that Jessica Simpson, music maverick Guy Oseary, tee-vee titan Tom Freston, and bling queen Kimora Lee Simmons own homes.

For a number of years, Miz Kidman apartment hopped around Manhattan luxury rental apartments (including a large unit in the same Chelsea building Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter once called home), but she's long owned a glassy condo at one of the Richard Meier designed towers on the West Side Highway which we hear through the nice gay decorator's gossip grapevine is getting a little touch up to the day-core.

photo: Fiona-Lee Quimby for Sydney Morning Herald

Lynne Langdon Is Looking for a Commission

SELLER: Lynne Langdon
LOCATION: Franklin Avenue, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $1,395,000
SIZE: 1,338 square feet, 2 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: MOTIVATED SELLER. Celebrity owned. Million dollar views. Hip, contemporary, inspiring home, an entertainer's dream. In the heart of the action. Nice parking spaces, too! Room for a pool, and additional rooms.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Only in Tinseltown would a virtually unknown ack-tress/producer turned real estate agent list her own house above the Sunset Strip with an asking price of $1,395,000 and then market the property as "celebrity owned," which is exactly what a ladee named Lynne Langdon has done. Now children, seriously, what is not to love about that?**

According to our brief and admittedly unscientific spin through the interweb we discovered that Miz Langdon was once upon a time a bit of a star in China which is why she speaks conversational Mandarin Chinese. She was once rumored to have been involved with action movie stud Jean Claude van Damme and has had a number of bit parts in programs like Desperate Housewives, That 80s Show and The Guardian. She is also, according to her re-zoo-may, the writer, producer, director and co-star of a film called Weather Girls which features a bunch of other actors and actresses we've never heard of before.

Property records show Miz Langdon paid $595,000 when she purchased the 2 bedroom and 2 bathroom hillside house on Franklin Avenue in August of 2001. A gate opens from the street into a small courtyard where Miz Langdon has place a couple of wicker chaise lounges. But for the difficult to access land below the back of the house, this pocket-sized courtyard would appear to be the only easily accessible outdoor space, which is a real pity because it would be awfully nice to have a deck run along the rear of the house where Your Mama could lay about with a pitcher of gin and tonics and watch the lights of Los Angeles flicker on as the day turns to night.

The glassy open plan interior spaces have very light wood floors, white walls and all sorts of white, chrome and glass furniture that looks like it was shipped in from the 1980s. The kitchen has white-washed wood cabinetry, stainless steel appliances and an unholy combination of granite and tile counter tops and back splashes. The Master bedroom has very pale beige wall to wall carpeting and a beige tiled bathroom with double sinks and a large soaking tub.

Listing information indicates there is room for a pool and since Miz Langdon the listing agent owns the property we're going to taker her word for it. Listing information also shows Miz Langdon is motivated so any of the children with a desire to live in the hills above the Sunset Strip should get on the horn with Miz Langdon and see how low she will go.

**See #8 here for a bit of a correction regarding this celebrity owned issue.

UPDATE: Dick Fuld

Earlier, while Your Mama was rolling around in the real estate misfortunes of Park Avenue banker name Ramesh Singh, we mentioned that the almost universally loathed ex-CEO of Lehman Brothers Dick Fuld Jr. had quietly placed his posh Park Avenue co-op apartment on the market with an asking price of $32,000,000.

Well, apparently, Mister Fuld and the Missus have decided against selling their 6,200 square foot, 16 room spread at 640 Park Avenue after all. Or at least that's what his p.r. people (or perhaps the real estate agent charged with quietly getting the place sold) are telling the the real estate gossips at the Wall Street Journal.

Hmm. Does anyone else smell something fishy?

A Big Buy on the Beach in La Jolla

BUYER: Gary Barber
LOCATION: Camino de la Costa, La Jolla, CA
PRICE: $17,350,613
SIZE: 9,800 square feet (approx.), 7 bedrooms, 11 bathrooms (approx.)
DESCRIPTION: A truly rare offering...a stunning oceanfront compound with direct access to a secluded sandy beach. Impossible to duplicate today, this magnificent 6BR/9BA gated residence was recently remodeled to perfection. Your buyer will think he is visiting a Four Seasons Resort with all the finest finishes and amenities.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: While many of Wall Street's formerly rich financiers get increasingly eager (and desperate) to unload their lavish, high maintenance homes, a few entertainment tycoons are shopping up a storm. Thanks to Beachfront Billy Your Mama was directed to a recent article in the La Jolla Light with a headline that screams, "Celebrity Pays $17M for LJ Home." Some people brake for deer, dogs and old ladees; Your Mama comes to a screeching halt for headlines like that.

The article did not identify the buyer who paid a not very recession-like $17,350,613 for the recently rehabbed oceanfront mansion on swank Camino de la Costa, but public property records clearly show the new owner isn't so much a "celebrity" as a super producer named Gary Barber who along with Roger Birnbaum, his bizness partner at Spyglass Entertainment, have produced cinematic cash cows including (but far from limited to) The Love Guru, 27 Dresses, Evan Almighty, Seabiscuit, and the Ace Ventura film franchise.

On a side note, Mister Birnbaum's beatific Beverly Hills house–which Your Mama discussed in mid-April of 2009–is currently on the market with an asking price of $16,000,000.

Mister Barber's new beach house, according to listing information we were able to scare up off the interweb, shows the dignified Spanish Colonial style casa built in the 1920s wraps around an interior courtyard where a gurgling fountain hints at the sound of the crashing waves at the back of the property. The multi-winged manse measures approximately 9,800 square feet.

There seems to be some discrepancy regarding the number of bedrooms and bathrooms. The news reports all say there are 7 bedrooms and 11 bathrooms, while listing information indicates there are 6 bedrooms and 10 bathrooms. Some other thingymabab we pulled up showed 9 furll and 2 half bathroms. Whatever the case, there are enough sleeping chambers and poop rooms to keep at least one house gurl making hospital corners and scrubbing terlits several hours a day. Your Mama surmises the difference may have something to do with the bit of square footage atop the garage that overlooks the swimming pool which may (or may not) be guest quarters that would account for the extra bedroom and terlit shown in the press reports.

Anyhoo, a little more poking around on the internets turned up some photographs which clearly show Mister Barber's new beach house is far from a cozy little surf shack. The front door opens to a rotunda-like entrance hall with a curving staircase, swooping wrought iron details and an over the top glittering golden chandelier. The impress the guests foyer as well as the formal living and dining rooms have what appears to be inlaid marble floors, fancy mill work lining the archways in between the rooms and floor to ceiling windows that frame views of the Pacific Ocean. A den or media room has carved paneling, built in shelves for pricey and fussy gewgaws and a trio of arched windows looking out over, you guessed it, the Pacific Ocean. The master suite has another fireplace, access to an oceanfront balcony, a bathroom Marie Antoinette could love and custom fitted closets and dressing rooms.

A small but adequately sized swimming pool is tucked into an ell formed by two wings of the house. a wide terrace runs the full width of the property and a sunbathing terrace with a stone balustrade hangs over the ocean below. The property offers private access to a sandy beach, a surprising rarity on all theses insanely expensive La Jolla houses that do not have direct beach access because they sit high atop vertical cliffs that drop down to the craggy coastline.

While every Mercedes driving real estate agent in La Jolla would probably like to think this high-priced property transaction means the worst of the economic troubles are over. Your Mama would not hold our breath or bet our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly that is the case because it just might get worse before it gets better, particularly in California where a behemoth budget crisis threatens to bankrupt the state, a situation that surely makes all you California haters salivate with real estate righteousness.

On a lighter note, records would indicate that Mister Barber also owns a 4,270 square foot penthouse apartment with 4 bedrooms and 5 bathrooms in a posh high-rise on Wilshire Boo-lay-vard which he and the wifey picked up in December of 2003 for an undisclosed amount of money.

How the Mighty–and the Children of the Mighty–Sometimes Fall

SELLERS: Marisa Noel Brown
LOCATION: East 78th Street, New York, NY
PRICE: $12,000,000
SIZE: to be 7,800 square feet with 8 bedrooms
DESCRIPTION: Perfectly situated just off Fifth Avenue on one of the city’s most prized townhouse blocks, this stunning 20’ wide brownstone has approved plans from the Department of Buildings and the Landmark Preservation Commission for the addition of a 6th floor, an 8 foot expansion on all floors towards the garden, and the excavation of the basement. The approved plans also include vast windows on the back of the house, bringing additional light and garden views into the 7,800 square foot home....

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Your Mama does not mean to be callous and we do feel a teeny bit bad about not feeling very badly about the misfortune of some of the highest of financial flyers and their hyper-consuming progeny whose wings were clipped when Wall Street went to hell in a hand basket on the back of credit default swaps, mortgage backed securities and all those other failed financial instruments that no one really understands. However, just like our finest friend Fiona Trambeau who relishes schadenfreude the way Madonna revels in the spotlight, like metal to a magnet Your Mama is also drawn to all the news about how far the formerly financially mighty are falling in the aftermath of the recent economic tsunami. We know, it's ugly and unseemly and in utter bad taste to delight in the downfall of others, but we just can't help our self sometimes.

Which is why, yesterday, when real estate gossip Mister Max Abelson at the NY Observer announced that toothy New York City gal about town Marisa Noel Brown and her huzband Matt Brown finally did what what all the Manhattan real estate watchers knew they were eventually going to have to do–list their Indiana limestone faced townhouse on East 78th Street–Your Mama got all goose-pimpled and sweaty.

For those children who do not know, Missus Noel Brown is one of several daughters sired by much maligned hedge hog Walter Noel, the founder of the Fairfield Greenwich Group which famously funneled some 7.5 billion client dollars into the bottomless pit that was Bernie Madoff's sixty-five billion dollar Ponzi scheme. Missus Noel Brown's huzband Matt had been a well paid managing director at F.G.G., but is now, of course, unemployed.

Property records and bazillions of previous reports reveal that Mister and Missus Brown bought the 20-foot wide townhouse on East 78th Street in January of 2008 for $13,500,000. The couple reportedly took a nine million dollar mortgage, hired the fab folks at Steven Harris Architects and planned a multi-million dollar renovation that listing information indicates included adding a sixth story to the five already there and adding a glassy eight feet to rear end of the townhouse which would would have brought the total square footage to around 7,800.

The townhouse sits just half a block from Central Park and a few more blocks from the venerable Metropolitan Museum of Art, the unauthorized history of which can be read in Michael Gross's dee-voonly salacious and scandalous new book Rogues' Gallery. Listing information indicates the interior spaces of townhouse have already been gutted and made ready for a massive, multi-million dollar renovation tha, presumably, Mister and Missus Brown can no longer afford to make since they no longer have an income or access to her daddy's formerly fat bank account.

The plans, according to listing information, included "dramatic" interior spaces, a roof deck, a "sophisticated" master suite plus seven additional bedrooms, 4 fireplaces, a "soaring" staircase and an elevator for the old, the infirm and the lazy. It's just too back the once publicity seeking Browns ran out of luck and money because we're quite sure they would have had magnificent photographs taken of the place so it could be published in one of the better shelter publications.

The comely couple have chosen to list their townhouse with an asking price of $12,000,000 a figure our bejeweled abacus reveals is a staggering one-point-five million clams less than they paid for the place just over 1 year ago...and that's not counting the architect fees, cost of demolishing the interiors and the staggering carrying costs of the $9,000,000 mortgage and the $46,450 yearly tax bill. Even worse for Mister and Missus Brown is that more than one real estate insider is whispering to the press and anyone else who will listen that word on the real estate street is that the cash-strapped couple will take much less than twelve million dollar asking price. Oh dear.

No matter what price the townhouse eventually sells, Your Mama seriously doubts we'll soon see Missus Noel Brown schlepping her Balenciaga clad booty and Jimmy Choo shod feet onto a cross-town bus with all the MetroCard carrying plebes. However, given the sharp-toothed and vicious social culture of the Upper East Side new money hoity-toities, we don't imagine she'll be hanging on to her vaunted position among all the young and well maintained ladees who lunch and shop and order the maid around while their huzbands and fathers pay the bills.

A Beverly Park Land Deal

SELLER: Robert Bisno
BUYER: Mark Wahlberg
LOCATION: Beverly Park Terrace, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $8,250,000
SIZE: 6+ acres
DESCRIPTION: One of the last lots available!!! In prestigious Beverly Park, this huge lot, just over 6 acres (per owner) with approximately 2 level acres. Plans available for a 30,000 sq. ft. Mediterranean Villa. This is an absolutely incredible opportunity to build your own masterpiece. Easy to show, Fantastic!!!

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Just like many of the financiers and Wall Street wizards on the East Coast, West Coast based real estate developer Robert Bisno has real estate woes. Not only is beleaguered Mister Bisno reviled by many who might be at the mercy of his (alleged) slash and burn development tactics, he's had a devil of a time trying to sell a couple of properties in the guard gated land of mega-mansions known as Beverly Park where, poor lamb, he didn't seem to make many friends either.

See puppies, in 2002 a lawsuit was filed against Mister Bisno and the Missus by the North Beverly Park Home Owners Association regarding a sizable sculpture they mounted in the motor court of their massive mansion that some of the other Bev Park residents thought was sexually suggestive–even lewd–and in violation of the community's strict bylaws about how you can trim trees and silly crap like that. Before the suit was settled in a court of law–the Bisnos lost–there was, according to the Missus Bisno, some alleged harassment by other Bev Parkers and even, bizarrely, a mysterious terlit papering of the Bisno property. Imagine that children, a band of terlit paper tossing marauders slinking around Beverly Park in the middle of the damn night!

Anyhoo, in late November of 2008 and amid a flurry of rumors about financial difficulties, Mister and Missus Bisno heaved their 5+ acre estate on Beverly Park Terrace onto the open market with an asking price of $29,500,000. The asking price for the 16,800 square foot house with 5 bedrooms and 9 poopers has since been chopped to a still knee buckling $22,500,000.

For what it's worth, public records reveal that the Bisnos borrowed heavily against the property, including as recently as March of 2009. Although it appears to Your Mama's untrained eye that all of the several loans and mortgages on the property are currently in good standing, the records also show that two Notices of Default were filed on the property, one in 2007 and another 2008. In fact, in February of 2008 the property was scheduled to be auctioned off to the highest bidder but, somehow, Mister Bisno pulled a pecuniary hare out of a hat because he and the Missus continue to own the estate.

Going back to April of 2006, when real estate developers were still living fat on ever escalating property values, Mister and Missus Bisno purchased a 6+ acre vacant lot across the street. It's unclear what the Bisnos paid for the vacant lot, but based on listing information we've seen, we'd say it was somewhere between 8 and 10 million smackers. A fascinating New York Times article from that time reports that Mister and Missus Bisno bought the land in order to build a new, bigger and better Beverly Park Dream House for themselves because, apparently, 17,000 square feet was simply not large enough for a couple of fifty-something year old empty nesters.

But alas, in January of 2008, after never breaking ground on the new lot and having borrowed vast sums of money against it–including an unknown amount of cash from fellow Beverly Park resident George Santopietro who happens to be the ex-huzband of letter turner Vanna White–Mister Bisno flipped the 6+ acre parcel on the market with an outlandishly optimistic asking price of $18,000,000. That's right, eighteen million dollars. Eventually, after more than a year on the market and several swings of the price cutting machete, the asking price, not surprisingly, stood at $9,950,000.

About the time Mister Bisno was putting his big ol' Beverly Park manse on the market in late 2008, rapper/underwear model turned Oscar nominated actor (The Departed, Boogie Nights, The Basketball Diaries) and tee-vee producer Mark Wahlberg (Entourage and the magnificent In Treatment) also hoisted his Oak Pass Road estate in the Beverly Hills Post Office on to the market with an asking price of $15,900,000. (The children will note the Wahlberg spread is no longer on the open market although it does not appear to have been sold.)

Soon after 2008 turned to 2009, rumors started sliding down the gossip grapevine and into Your Mama's big bucket of scuttlebutt that the wildly rich Mister Wahlberg and his baby momma Rhea Durham were poking around Beverly Park for new über-deluxe digs. We first heard from Babbling Babette who whispered that she heard Mister Wahlberg was interested in the Bev Park palace everyone thought British pop start Robbie Williams was going to–but did not–buy and, although we don't know this for sure, another of Your Mama's bean spillers whispered in our greedy ear that Mister Wahlberg made a (low ball) offer on Mister and Missus Bisno's estate, which was rejected.

Then the lines went silent until mid-April of 2009 when Your Mama received covert communiques from Our Fairy Godmother in Beverly Hills and the above mentioned bean spiller whom we'll call Whispering Willie who both passed along the 411 that the Bisno's Bev Park parcel was in escrow. Then, early in the days of May, we received additional covert communiques from O.F.G.I.B.H. and Whispering Willie who informed Your Mama that the Bisno lot closed and sold for just $8,250,000.

Of course, eight and a quarter million clams is a sensational sum of money by any standard. However, a few flicks of the well worn beads of Your Mama's bejeweled abacus shows that purchase price is a humbling (and maybe even humiliating) 45% of the original asking price. Naturally, upon receiving word of a sale, Your Mama fired up the interweb in order to peer into the property records which indicate the buyer of the bare land is–you got it–none other than Mister Mark Wahlberg. Of course, the prop records are somewhat obscured so Your Mama can't say with 100% certainty that the buyer is Mister Wahlberg, but all signs point towards him so we'll say we're 98.9% sure.

Whether the buyer is Marky Mark and his funky bunch family or some other entertainment tycoon, a gigantic house needs to be erected and a couple of acres of over-manicured landscaping will need to be installed before anyone has their mail forwarded to their new addy in Beverly Park. By that time, perhaps the topsy-turvy real estate world will have stabilized and the new owner will be able to flip the property at a profit, because let's face, rich people are fickle when it comes to real estate and prone to selling houses shortly after they spend millions building them.

Your Mama Hears...

...That prolific ack-tor and comedic hot-dogger Ben Stiller (Tropic Thunder, Night at the Museum, Zoolander, Meet the Parents and etc.) is getting ready to put his three property compound in the Outpost Estates area of Los Angeles on the market with an asking price somewhere around $12,500,000.

Records show Mister Stiller began piecing together his three parcel compound in November of 1999 when he paid paid $1,825,000 for a 5,334 square foot Spanish style house which records indicate as having 6 bedrooms and 6 bathrooms. Previous owners of the property, according to records, were ack-tor Lou Diamond Phillips and his then wife Julie Cypher who left him for rock star Melissa Etheridge and who after 12 years and a couple of kids kicked Miz Etheridge to the curb making the jaw-dropping claim that she is not nor never was a lesbian. Well alright then, I guess that even though it walks like a duck it very well may be a horse. Or a goat. Or whatever...

Anyhoo, we digress. In October of 2001 Mister Stiller and his newish bride Christine Taylor completed their compound when they bought an adjacent two-parcel property for $1,825,000. Records show one of the parcels had (and still has) a 4,062 square foot Spanish style residence with 5 bedrooms and 4.5 bathrooms. The second parcel, which sits in between the two houses, was vacant at the time of the purchase but records show the Stillers added a motor court and a 1,161 square foot structure with automobile garaging and a single bathroom in 2003.

The Stiller's day-core was done up in fine style by the folks at Roman and Williams who have also worked over homes for Kate Hudson and Gynnie Paltrow. Mister and Missus Stiller also allowed their Hollywood Hills home to be photographed for Elle Decor not too long ago, so we're sure there are some snaps floating about the interweb, but honestly chickens, we're running late and simply don't have time to track them down right now. Sorry darlins.

Property records also show that in August of 2006 Mister Stiller picked up a 1,608 square foot casa on Canton Way in Studio City, CA for which he paid $1,100,000 and reports from September of 2008 reveal that Mister and Missus Stiller forked over a whopping $10,000,000 for doo-plex digs on the Upper West Side of Manhattan which happens to be in the very same Riverside Drive building where his comedic legend parents Jerry Stiller and Anne Meara live.

Does this mean Mister Stiller might be giving up the California ghost and moving permanently back to the Upper West Side where he grew up? Your Mama certainly don't know apples from carburetors, but time will tell hunnies, time will tell...

Portrait of a Park Avenue Banker Stuck on the Real Estate Ropes

As much as we don't like seeing anyone in a real estate pickle and try as we might, Your Mama has a tough time feeling any real sympathy–or empathy–for all the wizards of Wall Street who made mountains of money with wildly complicated and high risk financial instruments who are now having to cope with reduced circumstances due to the unraveling and implosion of the very same funky financial instruments that made them exceedingly wealthy.

With that in mind, today we're going to participate in a little real estate schadenfreude at the expense of a New York City based banker named Ramesh Singh who once upon a time not so long ago was sitting pretty at the tippy-top of Wall Street's financial heap but is now deeply mired in a Park Avenue property melodrama that will cost him millions when all is said and done.

For many years, our Mister Singh made beau coup bucks as a bigwig at Swiss banking juggernaut UBS where he last headed up the global operations of UBS's real estate and securitized products divisions. The bundled debt obligations known as mortgage backed securities is just one of the new-fangled financial instruments Mister Singh and his minions at UBS used for many years to great monetary gain but in the end aided in the near collapse of credit markets and economies around the world.

In November of 2008, just a few short weeks after UBS took more than $46,000,000,000 in sub-prime write downs and other losses, Mister Singh left his job. A internal UBS memo stated Mister Singh was leaving in order to spend more time with his family and pursue other career opportunities. Oh pleeze. Like we don't know what "pursue other career opportunities" really means. Mister Singh has not been publicly pilloried like Dick Fuld from Lehman Brothers or Bear Stearns' Jimmy Cayne who was reportedly playing Bridge when his company went belly up. However, as a result of being one of the many bakers of Wall Street's poison pie, Mister Singh isn't exactly one of Joe Public's favorite people right now which is why at least some of the children will delight in his current real estate woes.

Mister Singh's real estate troubles started way back in 2004 when he and his wife Farida Khan made the fateful decision to sell their co-operative apartment at 941 Park Avenue in New York City. Although our high society gal pal The Social Butterfly insists 941 Park Avenue is, "Not for anyone important," records show that in September of 2004 the Singhs received an important $6,155,000 for their doo-plex domicile which occupied portions of the 15th and 16th floors.

From 941 Park Avenue, the couple schlepped their furniture, jewelry, art and cash stash just 4 blocks south where property records reveal that in August of 2004 they paid $6,876,250 for a full floor co-operative apartment on the fifth floor of 860 Park Avenue. Listing information, property records and the floor plan (below) reveal that the Singh's new nest at 860 measures 4,225 square feet and includes 3 large bedrooms and 2 smaller sleeping chambers all of which claim private poopers. The corner living room stretches to 28-feet with a fireplace and windows looking down Park Avenue. There's also a square, or square-ish, dining room and a modestly sized library with floor to ceiling book shelves and a second fireplace. Other features include a private elevator landing, a generous but not baronial entrance gallery with guest terlit, 15 closets including one ceder-lined dealywop plus a dressing room attached to one of the smaller bedrooms, a private laundry room, an eat in kitchen and small adjacent office which leads to the service entrance.
The Singh's stay at 860 Park Avenue was short lived. In April of 2007, the couple went house hunting and signed contracts to purchase two posh pads (one on top of the other) a few blocks south at 823 Park Avenue, a pretty if undistinguished pre-war building undergoing a complete over-haul and being sold off as high-priced condominiums. This purchase, my puppies, was the Singh's fatal real estate error as y'all will soon see.

In May of 2007, shortly after the Singhs went to contract for their apartment at 823 Park Avenue, they listed their full floor cooperative unit at 860 Park Avenue with an asking price of $13,400,000, roughly twice what they paid. Records we peeped and perused on the always entertaining and informative StreetEasy indicate that just a few months later their apartment at 860 Park Avenue went to contract. However, before the Singhs could pop a celebration cork on a $3000 bottle of sham-pag-nee, the deal withered and died and the apartment was taken off the market.

The Singh spread at 860 Park was re-listed in November of 2007 at the original asking price of $13,400,000 where it languished un-wanted. In late February of 2008, the asking price was chopped to $12,750,000. Another $800,000 reduction came just two weeks later and then in late May of 2008 another $955,000 was hacked off the asking price bringing it to $10,995,000.

In July of 2008, after a more than a year on the market, nearly $2,500,000 in price chops and completing the toe curling $20,000,000 purchase of their new digs at 823 Park Avenue, Your Mama imagines the Singhs were all kinds of aggro. The apartment at 860 was removed from the market in July of 2008 and re-listed in early October with a different real estate agent and a new (much lower) asking price of $9,500,000. According to Streeteasy, it wasn't long before a deal was brokered with a bargain hunting buyer who records show closed on the Singh spread at 860 Park Avenue in late February of 2009 for...are you ready kids...drum roll please...seven million dollars. That's right. Seven. Million. Dollars. Can the children say, "Ouch?"

It gets worse. Oh yes, it gets much worse and more complicated so pay attention puppies.

Property records show that although the Singhs signed contracts for their colossal new crib at 823 Park Avenue in April of 2007, they did not close on the sprawling unit(s) until the end of June in 2008. Records show the high-flying couple forked over $20,000,000 for a single story ground floor maisonette unit and the full floor simplex unit just above it for a combined 7,234 square feet of Park Avenue duplexity (below).

However, just six weeks later and perhaps due to the fact that their apartment at 860 Park Avenue had yet to sell after more than a year on the market, Mister and Missus Singh had a real estate change of heart and hoisted their new, 15-room condominium at 823 Park Avenue back on the market with an asking price of $24,750,000. Your Mama is not sure who advised the Singhs that it was wise to re-list the apartment(s) just six weeks after closing with a flabbergasting $4,750,000 price increase, but they did.

Even as the Singh spread at 823 Park Avenue was on the market, listing information and the floor plan indicate the two apartments were combined into a rambling and poorly resolved doo-plex connected by a swooping staircase tucked back into an odd corner of the bedroom wings. The primary living spaces, located on the second floor of the combined unit, include a 32-foot long living room and a cozy corner library that both face Park Avenue, a dining room and eat in kitchen with bizarre blue counter tops.

There are 4 principal bedrooms and 2 smaller bedrooms all with private poopers, a guest suite comprised of a sitting room, bedroom and terlit room carved out of what was originally the living room and library of the maisonette unit, and a single staff room that appears to share a pooper with one of the larger bedrooms on the second floor, a situation our very private and notoriously imperious house gurl Svetlana would not stand for.

The chopped up ground floor also includes an over-sized second foyer that opens directly into the Greek Revival style building lobby, a small, impractically located study that must be passed through to get to the guest quarters, and an entertaining kitchen slammed between two bedrooms which opens to the 300 square foot terrace.

It may come as no surprise to any of the children that after six months on the market, the asking price of the Singh's doo-lex digs at 823 Park Avenue had been slashed to $19,950,000. That would be fifty thousand bucks less than they paid, a bitter pill to swallow for sure. Then, on the very same February day in 2009 on which they closed on the bargain basement sale of their apartment at 860 Park Avenue, the doo-plex at 823 Park Avenue was removed from the open market.

The apartment did not stay gone for long. Just six weeks later, in mid-March of 2009 Mister and Missus Singh's doo-plex at 823 Park Avenue reappeared on the market with a new listing agent and a shocking new asking price of $16,750,000 which our bejeweled abacus reveals is a staggering $3,250,000 less than the couple paid for the place a just year before. But hold on to your britches children because it gets even more chilling to the bone. On the 14th of May, according to the peeps at StreetEasy, the asking price was once again lowered. But children, it was not just pruned or pared, it was sliced, diced, hacked, chopped, whacked, slashed, lopped and hewn in one stupefying $2,250,000 swoop bringing it to its current asking price of $14,500,000.

What this means for Mister and Missus Singh, as all you mathematics whizzes already know, is that even in the unlikely event they find someone willing to fork over the full $14,500,000 asking price, they'll still lose a hair raising $5,500,000 (plus considerable renovation costs) on their Park Avenue dream house turned Nightmare on Park Avenue.

A quick spin through property records reveals that Mister and Missus Singh also own a house at on Dune Road in Westhampton Beach which the bought in November of 2001 for $3,730,000. Records show the couple also own a 3 bedroom and 3.5 bathroom condo in Aventura, FL which they picked up in March of 2004 for $1,450,000. No word on whether these properties will soon be for sale or not but Your Mama would not bet our long bodied bitches they are long for the Singh's real estate portfolio.

Mister Singh is hardly the only Wall Street heavy weight dealing with "reduced circumstances" who is looking to scare up some cash and lighten his real estate load. Max Abelson at the NY Observer reported today in his Manhattan Transfers column that Lehman Brothers' demonized former CEO Dick Fuld has quietly floated his 16-room, 6,200 square foot cooperative apartment at 640 Park Avenue on the market with a blistering asking price of $32,000,000. Soon after the Fulds learned the Mister would be fired from Lehman's without severance, Mrs. Fuld (in)famously sold off a slew of postwar drawings and Christie's which put more than a few million dollars of runaround money into her Birkin Bag. Even more whackadoodle is that in December of 2008, Mrs. Fuld was widely reported to have requested a plain bag to tote home newly purchased items from the Hermes shop on Madison Avenue. She did this, we assume, so that in the after math of the economic meltdown which her dear huzband helped to create she would not be seen or photographed conspicuously consuming this and thats from one of the pricest boo-teeks in all of Manhattan. Of course, the issue Mrs. Fuld grappled with apparently wasn't whether to conspicuously consume or not, but rather how to appear not be be a conspicuous consumer. Jeezis.

Also in a hurry to unload some real estate is former Lehman Brothers executive Joe Gregory who listed his 8 bedroom and 8.5 bathroom ocean front getaway in Bridgehampton, NY in September of 2008 with an asking price of $32,500,000, a number that was recently reduced to a still immodest $27,900,000

Another financier and former Lehman Brothers executive by the name of Jack L. Rivkin recently listed his Hamptons house for sale with an asking price of $31,000,000. Mister Rivkin's 1.86 acre estate on Amagansett's hoity toity Further Lane includes a 7,000 square foot house with 6 bedrooms, 7.5 bathrooms, three fireplaces, a swimming pool and pool house, gym, a bowling alley (WHAT?) and a 365 year old barn brought over from England.

While so many houses in the Hamptons are being sold at rock-bottom prices, it's a bit unnerving for Your Mama to see such unrealistic asking prices on properties owned by folks who clearly need to sell them because, let's be honest, if these guys did not need to sell these houses, surely they would not be trying to sell them in the quicksand that is the current Hamptons real estate market. The desperation is getting ugly. Stay tuned children, because it's probably going to get worse before it gets better.

Patrick Dempsey Buys New McDreamy House

BUYER: Patrick Dempsey
LOCATION: N. Bundy Drive, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $6,495,000 (list)
SIZE: 5 bedrooms, 4.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Newly-built 2-sty gated New England estate on almost 1 usable acre. Huge front lawn, incredible charm, formal LR w/ FP, formal DR, crown moldings and rich dark oak floors. Amazing all-white country kitchen w/ banquette, large family rm w/ vaulted ceiling and stacking French doors to garden and patio w/ FP. Wonderful MBR w/FP and gorgeous stone BA; 3 or 4 addit'l BRs, sep guest house, large media rm, gorgeous pool + cabana.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: As any of the children who have been hanging around Your Mama very long know, we do not care for hospital dramas. Living with the Dr. Cooter means every day is a hospital damn drama so we do not care to spend our boob-toob time watching a bunch of neurotic doctors and paper thin nurses make googly eyes at each other over some one's spleen.

It goes without saying then that Your Mama has never actually sat through an entire episode of the wildly popular program Grey's Anatomy which co-stars a man named Patrick Dempsey as a sexy neurosurgeon named Dr. Derek Shepard. As a result of his tee-vee good looks, smirky smile, and extreme popularity with lonely ladees who wish their huzbands had good hair and looked smoking hot in scrubs that show off bulging parts like Mister Dempsey does, he regularly makes People magazine's list of sexiest people alive and, even worse, has been saddled for the rest of his career with the disturbing nick-name McDreamy.

Anyhoo, a few weeks or months ago, Your Mama discussed a property on Chantilly Road in one of the less glitzy sections of Bel Air that was being offered for sale at $3,595,000. That house, y'all may recall, is owned by Patrick Dempsey and his make-up artist wife Jill Fink. Although the house on Chantilly Road is still for sale with a reduced asking price of $3,295,000, Your Mama has learned that the Dempsey duo has already gone out and purchased a new (and much more expensive) home.

Although property records we accessed do not yet register a transfer, several reliable sources including the always spot-on Lucy Spillerguts finger pointed the new McDreamy house (we couldn't resist that stoopidness) as a newly built New England style number on N. Bundy Road in the Brentwood area of Los Angeles. We regret to inform that we do not know the purchase price of the property but thanks to an assist from Donna Martin we've discovered the property was last listed at $6,495,000.

Before we begin speaking on the house, Your Mama would like the children to be aware that the day-core seen here is not that of Mister and Missus Dempsey. Do you hear that? This is not the day-core of Mister and Missus Dempsey. What we're looking at is a house that was staged by the seller/developer so there is really no point in picking apart the davenports, coffee tables, artwork and ottomans.

The house sits behind gates, beyond a large lawn and at the end of a pea gravel driveway that Your Mama is certain would sound absolutely magnificent under the tires of our big BMW. We're prepared for all the pissing and moaning about how this architectural style is out of place in California and/or about how impractical pea gravel driveways are. But we don't care. Both Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter adore the sound of gravel under tires. A curving stone stair case rises from the motor court to the second floor where the main living spaces are located. Listing information we managed to scare up does not reveal the square footage of the house but does indicate the two story stone and clapboard residence includes 5 bedrooms and 4.5 bathrooms as well as a separate guest house for in-laws or the hired help.

To one side of and three steps down from the entrance hall is a formal living room with espresso colored wood floors, taupe walls with glossy white trim work and a fireplace that will probably only be used on Christmas morning. To the other side of the entrance hall is the formal dining room which opens through two sets of French doors to the covered porch that runs along a portion of the front facade.

The all white country kitchen includes impractical but pretty marble counter tops, more of the espresso colored wood floors, all the high end appliances a rich person desires, a cozy built-in breakfast booth/banquette and a huge island where a few Chinese stools have been pulled up the counter. A large family room offers a second fireplace, a beamed ceiling and a wall of French doors that fold open toto a brick terrace at the back of the house. Somewhere there is a large media room for watching all the re-runs of Grey's Anatomy which will generate heaps and mountains of residual riches that ought to keep Mister Dempsey in gold plated clover for many years to come.

The master bedroom hosts the home's third wood burning fireplace, a row of French doors opening to the garden and is large enough to host a soiree. The master bath features what appears to be a marble tile floor, a massive bathing tub for two fitted into a bay window and separate his and her vanities where the Missus can work her make-up magic and the Mister can perfect the wave of his forelock for which he has become known.

In addition to the front lawn the grounds includes brick terraces and patio and a large swimming pool with a cabana where the Dempsey clan can play backgammon or chess or whatever other high-minded board games Your Mama likes to imagine they play on Sunday afternoons. The children will note there is one potted tree/plant flanking the cabana that does not go with the other three, a perplexing situation that throws off our visual equilibrium.

Before we head out and start our bizzy day, Your Mama would like to offer a word of advice for all those wild-eyed and over-passionate Grey's Anatomy fans who think they might like to take a drive up and down N. Bundy Drive looking to see if they can spot Mister Dempsey mowing his new lawn: Forget it. There ain't nothing to see except a big ol' hedge and if taking photos of yourself in front of some famous person's hedge is your idea of a good time, we suggest you quickly consult a medical professional about that bizarre behavioral bugaboo.

Apparently, LeAnn Rimes Ain't Got Nothin' Better to Do Than Sell Her Brand New Mansion

SELLER: LeAnn Rimes
LOCATION: King Richards Court, Franklin, TN
PRICE: $7,450,000
SIZE: 13,380 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 6 full and 3 half bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Designed and executed perfection! 360 views, smart house, salt water pool, second kitchen, media room, yoga/workout room, custom woodworking , 5" plank hand distressed wood floors, custom master closets, guest quarters, wired for studio - a must see!

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: In early 2008, country pop prodigy LeAnn Rimes and her backup dancer huzband Dean Sheremet listed their house on bizzy Hillsboro Pike in Nashville, Tennessee for around $2,400,000. Then word got out that the Grammy award winning singer and her happy footed huzband were spending big bucks building a massive mansion in a guard-gated and Medieval themed community in Franklin, TN called Avalon. Visitors who pass through the main gates to Avalon are greeted by a large replication of King Arthur's sword driven into the stone and all the streets and courts in the community have silly names like Lady of the Lake Lane and Road of the Round Table. Ugh. Just take a moment to soak that in children. Seriously, who wants to live on street named King David's Court? We understand that like Tessie Tura, Miss Electra and Miss Mazeppa say in Gypsy, "You Gotta have a Gimmick," but Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter both find this gimmick is simply too gimmicky.

Anyhoo, in early September of 2008 we heard from one of our spies in Nashville that the Rimes' had finally completed and moved into their new house on King Richard's Court. In the first days of 2009, Your Mama heard from Little Miss Muffet that Mister and Missus Rimes finally sold their house on Hillsboro Pike. Property records show Mister and Missus Rimes received $2,130,000 for the 5 bedroom and 5.5 bathroom love nest when they sold it to a ladee named Dixie Carter who is the president of TNA Entertainment which produces tons of that wretched professional wrestling crap that so many people seem to enjoy.

Then, in mid-March of 2009, there were all sorts of salacious (and incriminating) photos and video circulating on the tabloid television shows and the gossip blogs that showed married Missus Rimes shooting tequila and kissing on hunky married actor Eddie Cibrian in a Santa Monica, CA Mexican food restaurant. Almost immediately Mister Rimes twittered, "I Love My Wife!!!" and soon both Missus Rimes and Mister Cibrian denied any illicit doings. But, of course, it's not so believable to say you weren't macking on each other when there is actual video of you sucking face, right?

Fast forward to late April of 2009 and Mister And Missues Rimes are spotted making out in a Mexican restaurant (what's with Missus Rimes fetish with getting frisky in Mexican restaurants?) and are yapping to the press people about how great their relationship is. And maybe it is. However, thanks to a southern belle we'll call Mrs. Mockingbird, Your Mama has learned that the young marrieds have heaved their brand new house in Franklin, TN on to the market with an asking price of $7,450,000. While the Rimes' might be selling this house for a thousand different reasons (i.e. maybe they don't like living in such a big house), the timing is certainly suspicious to all us gossip and rumor mongers and doesn't lead Your Mama to believe Mister and Missus Rimes are indeed the two little lovebirds sitting pretty in their newly built mansion outside Nashville they would like us all to believe.

Property records show that in 2006 the then teen aged couple splashed out an undisclosed amount of money to purchase a 5.21 acre hilltop property within the gates of Avalon where they proceeded to build a three story mansion that listing information reveals measures in at 13,380 square feet and in addition to 360 degree views includes 4 bedrooms and 6 full and 3 half bathrooms. That is a lot of damn terlits for Mister Rimes to keep clean.

Listing information shows the house, which is actually in a gated community within the gated community of Avalon, includes a formal living with high ceiling, fireplace and appealing super-sized herringbone patterned wood floors that work well as an effective counterpoint to the more traditional moldings. Thank heavens someone thought to put that orange and yellow abstract thingamabobby above the fireplace which keeps the whole white thing from looking like it's trying to be a damn waiting room for angels. The formal dining room is surrounded by tall windows and is lit by two contemporary chandeliers and a strange clerestory situation directly above the glossy black wood table.

A 550 square foot kitchen stretches to 29-feet long and includes all the big appliances expected in a house like this including a 60" big daddy range and one of the home's four wine refrigerators. There is also a large den, a media room with a big white leather sectional sofa and a lower level that includes entertainment spaces and a second kitchen with a stone back wall,super high gloss wood cabinets and a chandelier that looks to Your Mama like it might be made of feathers but probably isn't.

Upstairs, the 400+ square foot master bedroom features a raised ceiling and walls painted a very soothing shade of grey that perfectly matches the grey and white bed linens. The master suite also includes a fireplace, private access to a large wrap around covered porch, custom walk in closets (natch) and an all white, window wrapped master bathroom with marble floors, a shower for two with glass on three sides and French doors opening to a covered porch on the fourth and a chaise lounge where Your Mama pictures Mister Rimes clipping Missus Rimes' toenails post-soak in the water trough shaped freestanding tub.

Other amenities, according to listing information, include guest quarters, a yoga/work out room, smart house technology, wiring that would allow a music studio to be installed, custom woodwork and 5" hand-distressed wood floors. The gated and fully fenced grounds are accessed via a swooping driveway that rises to a large circular driveway. Out back, the imposing, glassy and over-articulated rear facade looms over a large terrace and an infinity-edged salt water swimming pool.

Early this morning we received a second covert communique from Mrs. Mockingbird who whispered in Your Mama's big ear that word on the terribly named streets of Avalon is that Mister Rimes is the only person currently living up in that big new house. But that's just rumor and gossip, kids, rumor and gossip. Whatever is happening for these two, Your Mama sincerely wishes them well in their next home(s). We just hope there's a damn good pre-nup in place or Missus Rimes is going to be supporting Mister Rimes for the rest of her life.

top photo: Pacific Coast News

Spin Mistress Lara Shriftman Lists Sunset Strip Digs

SELLER: Lara Shriftman
LOCATION: Belfast Drive, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $3,200,000
SIZE: 2,455 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Wonderful Paul Williams style traditional above the str. at the end of a cul-de-sac. This gracious residence offers city views, privacy, frmal entry w/ sweeping staircase, step-down LR w/ high clngs, crown mldings & FP opening to a sun rm. Formal DR, lrge kitch., office & den complete the downstairs. Garage has been converted to spacious bonus rm. Upstairs is a mster suite w/ city views, 2 walk-in closets & a junior mster suite. All baths have been redone. Secluded pl, patios and garden.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: First of all, it's pronounced Lair-uh, okay?

Now then, Your Mama recognizes that many of the children will not recognize Lara Shriftman's name...but Your Mama sure does, as we imagine most of the New York City children who used to dine and drink in places like Butter and Lot 61 do too. (We know Lot 61 is closed no, so don't be sassin' us about including it here.) See puppies, once upon a time, another lifetime ago really, Your Mama did a lot of work for a super swanky skincare company on the Upper East Side of Manhattan...you know, the sort of place where you could get your skin peeled, the age spots lasered and Botox injected all up and down your damn body. The company has since swirled down the proverbial terlit of start up companies that can't cut the mustard. However, at the time we were working our fingers to the nubbins for this emporium of bizarre beauty treatments, Miss Shriftman and her bizness partner Elizabeth Harrison were the high-toned (if part-time) public relations people for the company.

According to their website, Harrison & Shriftman has offices is Los Angeles, New York, and Miami and their impressively long list of current retainer clients includes (but is not limited to) companies such as Fearless Yachts, Grey Goose Vodka, Lacoste, Mercedes Benz, Mr. Chow, the Sagamore Hotel, The naughty-naughty Palms Hotel & Casino in Las Vegas, and the entire country of Costa Rica. So it goes without saying, really, that Miss Shriftman has been boo-coo successful in her quest to toss exclusive parties for and say only the nicest things about her many clients. It doesn't hurt that she pals around with another well-known Lara (Flynn Boyle) or that her baby daddy is Juan Bacardi who, you guessed it, belongs to the booze making Bacardi family.

Anhoo, back in the early 2000s (or around that time), there was a small army of very young, very well connected and oddly powerful PR flaks who were paid big bucks to promote pricey doo-dads, throw parties, and pull strings for their high profile clients. These Prada-clad twenty-somethings proudly hung around with famous folks (remember that awful name dropper Jonathan Cheban?), partied like their rock star clients in places like Amy Sacco's notoriously celebrity packed Bungalow 8 and, in some cases, ran people over with their Mercedes SUVs like that high priestess of PR Lizzie Grubman did in July of 2001. Miss Shriftman was/is part of that crowd. Although we don't think she ever mowed anyone down in front of a velvet rope club in the Hamptons like Miss Grubman did, she was featured in a deliciously salacious article in New York Magazine that profiled some of most powerful ladee-gurl publicists of that time who plied their smooth talking, party making and VIP all access pass carrying ways all around the globe.

Although Miss Shriftman, who reportedly consults (or used to consult) a psychic friend named Karen on any major decisions, was often working her PR magic in New York and elsewhere, property records show that in March of 2004 the spin mistress purchased a dignified if not pedigreed house on Belfast Drive in the Sunset Strip area of Los Angeles for $1,200,000. In mid-April of 2009 she hoisted the house on to the market with an asking price of $3,200,000, a figure that just two weeks later was choppity-chopped to its current asking price of $2,850,000.

Listing information and prop records show the house measures 2,455 square feet, a number that seems a bit wee to Your Mama because this crib photographs looking far more substantial than 2400 and something square feet. Records show the 3 bedroom and 4 bathroom house was built in 1938. According to listing information, the house, which sits gloriously high off the street, was built in a "Paul Williams style" which means, all the architectural snobs recognize, it is not an actual Paul Williams designed house.

A long driveway curves and rises to a two car garage in which no cars can be parked because it's been turned into some sort of "bonus room." The front door opens to a old-school foyer with a gorgeous slate floor and a swooping staircase begging to have Norma Desmond or some other high-drama diva come gliding down screeching about her faded youth and beauty. The living room has been updated with pot lights (for better or worse) and features shiny wood floors and a lot of very white, clean lined furniture pieces surrounding a round coffee table, all of which sits in front of the wood burning fireplace with its wonderfully minimal surround. We're just going to pretend like those purple and too-precious orchids aren't even there because Your Mama will fly into an uncontrollable rage if we have to explain one more time that orchids as day-core are through. Done. Fini.

The spare, yet delightfully dramatic dining room has a large bay window, black painted walls with white accents and a large marble topped circular table with six or eight angular and straight-edged chairs. The whole room is lit by a bowl shaped chandelier that looks like it's crafted of melting crystals, a look both disturbing and interesting. The adjacent and starkly all white kitchen has marble counter tops and a large greenhouse style window has been installed the length of one wall over the range top and sink where we feel certain our imperious but day-dreamy house gurl Svetlana would surely enjoy watching the bamboo sway in the breeze while scrubbing up the dinner dishes

Also on the main level, according to listing information is an office and den where Your Mama spies a giant velvet covered sectional sofa quietly whispering to be laid on by someone, perhaps Your Mama, who is not wearing any clothes. Or perhaps this is the aforementioned "bonus room?" Could be. We don't know.

Upstairs are the bedrooms which include a junior master and a senior master bedroom all white and Delano Hotel-like except for the honey colored wood floors and Grandma Shriftman's wonderfully out of place embroidered chair in the corner. All bathrooms, according to listing information, have been over-hauled including the master where an ornate, beveled Venetian style mirror makes a real statement and an interesting (if not entirely successful) counterpoint to the very modern and clean lined double sinks and nickel plated taps...or at least we hope they're nickel plated for this kind of money.

The solarium (or whatever Miss Shriftman calls it) features a wall of paned windows that open to a brick terrace that runs along the back of the house. The entire room, including the brick floor, has been painted with the freshest white paint money can buy and is set off by a quartet of yellow abstract painting (that look sort of intriguing from this distance) and a small disco ball which hangs from the ceiling and is really too small for the toom. A larger glitter ball would have better matched the scale of the room, at least in our humble and entirely meaningless opinion.

Out back, large brick staircase gently leads up the to the blessedly rectangular swimming pool which is surrounded by more brick terracing and a lighter than air Hollywood Regency style fence that may or may not keep a drunk party guest from falling off the upper terrace and down into the lower terrace outside the kitchen and solarium, or whatever it's called.

There would seem to be no reason for Miss Shriftman and Mister Booze Heir to move house just because they had a baby recently, but the children all know that rich people often think, "new baby, new house."

A quick spin through property records does not show Miss Shriftman or Mister Bacardi owning any other property in Los Angeles or New York. That doesn't mean they don't own other properties, just means we didn't find any.

Backstreet Boy Kevin Richardson Moving On

SELLER: Kevin Richardson
LOCATION: Miller Drive, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $3,977,000 (list)
SIZE: 3,532 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 4.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Secluded & gated, this is one of a handful of large flat view properties on the Sunset Strip Romantic "Byrd House" redone for today's lifestyle yet the original character & details remain intact. Extraordinary outdoor entertainment areas include huge sweeping lawns & garden, outdoor covered porch & dining area w/FP. Staggering jetliner views from downtown. Wonderful oversize pool evocative of Old Hollywood & fire pit complete this one of a kind property.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Sorry kids, but we're a little like a chicken with our head cut off today so we need to be swift in our discussion on this property because we figure that's better than leaving y'all high and dry and in desperate need of a celebrity real estate fix. Besides, we don't want to hear the whining that some of you do when we take a little time to ourselves. If Your Mama has said it once we've said it 14,000 times, when y'all start paying the insurance and satisfying our mortgage you can bitch all you want. Until then, shut yer traps. Ooh lawhd, can y'all tell Your Mama woke up sour? Shoooot, we are needing a nerve pill now and we ain't even got our day half started.

Anyhoo, it looks to Your Mama like former Backstreet Boy Kevin Richardson and his former Rockette ladee-mate Kristin (Willits) Richardson have up and sold their Sunset Strip area house. Your Mama never listened to that boy bad music so we really can't tell you much about Mister Richardson other than we hope he steered clear of that fat ol' (alleged) pervert Lou Pearlman who is justifiably raked over the coals in Tyler Gray's book The Hit Charade.

Your Mama wishes we could reveal the figure for which the Richardson residence was sold, but property records we accessed this morning do not disclose a sale price. What we do know, thanks to Our Fairy Godmother in the Sunset Strip, is that the Miller Drive property was put on the market on March 2, 2009 with an asking price of $3,977,000, went into contract just 1o days later and the damn thing had closed by the end of April. Well, la-di-dah.

Property records show Mister and Missus Richardson purchased the Robert Byrd designed domicile (or at least Robert Byrd-esque style domicile) in March of 2001. We regret to inform that we also do not know what the teen gurl magnet paid but based on mortgage records we'd guess it was somewhere around two million clammers.

The higgeldy-piggeldy house was built in 1936 and sits up a long gated driveway that makes the property completely private from the street. Although the driveway and privacy may be celebrity style, the approach to the house not so much. A front facing two car garage greets guests who must clamber along the side of the house to reach the front door of the 3,532 square foot house that snakes along a narrow flat pad with a steep up slope on the backside and a glittery and unobstructed view of Los Angeles on the other.

Listing information indicates the "redone for today's lifestyle" two-story residence has 4 bedrooms and 4.5 bathrooms including a master bedroom with vaulted ceilings, a private deck, and a large master bathroom with double sinks, a shower that easily accommodates two or more, and a very uglee old-fashioned soaking tub that sits in front of a window for staring at the stars while sitting in a pool of dirty water. The children will also note the rather impractical fireplace. Who lights a damn fire while their brushing their teeth in the morning or wiping off their make-up face in the evening? Who? Okay, probably that Sharon Stone would. But she's got an army of petrified minions to light fires for her, so she doesn't really count. All we know is that as much as we like staring into the flames of a roaring fire, neither Your Mama nor the Dr. Cooter would ever (ever!) bother to haul wood up to the second floor pooper and we certainly would not risk being ripped a new asshole by asking our sometimes splenetic house gurl Svetlana to do such a thing.

The living room has a brick fireplace and a low beamed ceiling as does the dining room which has been painted that particular shade dining room red that is supposed to inspire appetite but always looks a little too bordello for Your Mama's decorative sensibilities. The country style kitchen features more of the low beamed ceiling found elsewhere on the ground floor and the cabinets looked like that are stained to look like walnut (or some other dark wood) but are not actually walnut (or some other dark wood). As we do in so many celebrity cribs, we find a pot rack hanging over a work island with a butcher block counter top. We know that pot rack is supposed to look charming and sort of Old World scullery-like, but it just looks to Your Mama like it should not be there at all.

A large family room (with even more low wood beamed ceiling) opens through dark stained French doors to a covered flagstone terrace surrounded by a low brick wall. This, my chickens, looks like a perfect spot to whittle away an afternoon with a tall stack of gossip glossies, a big bowl of candy and an ice cold pitcher of gin and tonics. A second covered patio near the front of the house has a criss-crossed brick patio, built-in brick fire place/bbq. The Richardsons used the space as an outdoor dining room with a farm table lit by a chandelier (not the crystal kind) and surrounded by a mix and match collection of spindle backed wood chairs. It ain't our thing, but it's really quite lovely.

The simple, rectangular shaped swimming pool sits pleasantly away from the house and is sunk into the lawn with a narrow flagstone coping. A raised area for sun beds behind the pool allows sunbathers an amazing view of the city while frying their skin up in the scorching afternoon sunshine.

The new owner does not appear to be a famous person and we really don't know where Mister and Missus Richardson have decamped. Perhaps they've moved to bigger and better digs in Los Angeles or maybe they've gone back to his native Lexington, KY to raise up their toddler out of the limelight and glare of Tinseltown's paparazzi drama. Wherever they may land, Your Mama wishes them well and hopes they don't put another damn pot rack in their next house.

Kevin Nealon Lists Country Cute Cottage at the Beach

SELLER: Kevin Nealon and Susan Yeagley
LOCATION: 8th Street, Manhattan Beach, CA
PRICE: $3,250,000
SIZE: 2,141 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: This charming walk-street beach cottage in a rare Manhattan Beach Sand Section gem!...Relaxing ocean views...Remodeled two-story beach cottage...3 bedrooms & 2 baths...1 bed & 1 bath guest house (features a full kitchen, laundry and separate seating area) could be a bachelor rental...

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: A couple of weeks ago Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter penned up our mean ol' pussy Sugar in the kitchen where she can not shred the chesterfield, piled our long bodied bitches into the big BMW and headed down to Manhattan Beach, CA where Cuzzin Cooter and his beautiful, blond and very tan wifey recently bought a dee-voon contemporary crib just a few blocks from the beach. Ever since then, and even though the traffic is in Manhattan Beach would drive Your Mama to murder, we've been having a bit of a fantasy about living close enough to the ocean that we could easily and quickly stroll to the sand even if we were wobbly on our pins after downing and entire pitcher of gin and tonics.

In our search through properties we cannot afford along the narrow and high-priced streets of Manhattan Beach, we came across a bright yellow, country cute cottage on 8th Street that's just half a block from the sand and, as it turns out, owned by actor/comedian Kevin Nealon and his acktress wifey Susan Yeager whom we have never heard of but has appeared on numerous tee-vee programs including Reno 911, 'Til Death and The Sarah Silverman Program. Listing information reveals the couple listed the property for sale in early May of 2009 with an asking price of $3,250,000.

Property records show Mister Nealon and his first wife Linda Dupree purchased the property for $1,100,000 in March of 1999. This would have been about the time Mister Nealon left the cast of Saturday Night Live and started a long trek through tee-vee and movie drek that included roles in supposed to be funny but very forgettable films like Little Nicky, Anger Management, Daddy Day Care and Grandma's Boy.

Finally in 2003, after the first wife was sent packing and before the new one moved in, Mister Nealon nabbed a recurring role on the sitcom Still Standing which led to his supporting role on Weeds, the soo-blime boob-toob program on which he flawlessly plays Doug Wilson, a broken down and sex obsessed pothead/crooked city councilman/deadbeat dad in a most dee-lishusly artless manner.

Anyoo, according to a recent report on Manhattan Beach Confidential, Mister Nealon's near the beach bungalow sits right up next door to the house used for the filming of Weeds, not a bad commute if you can get it. Your Mama hopes Mister and Missus Nealon charged Showtime a small fortune leasing their front yard and kitchen to the craft services people.

Listing information shows the two-unit property stretches between two streets. The main house faces a walk street (meaning there are no cars) and includes 3 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms while a studio-style guest house rides atop the detached garage which faces a street on which, it should be obvious, cars are allowed else ways how would they get in the damn garage?

While Your Mama would chop off both of the Doctor Cooter's big toes (and maybe even a pinky finger) to live this close to the beach, white picket fences, rose bushes, non-functional shutters and flower boxes are not our particular architectural cup of tea. None the less, the charm of the Nealon/Yeagley residence is not lost on Your Mama and we recognize that there are many folks who dream of living in a house that reminds them of their ideal version of Grandma's house.

The good sized living room includes honey colored wood floors, two bay windows that flank the front door, and a wood burning fireplace that has sooted up the mantel. Fortunately the bone chilling flesh colored paint on the walls is easily swapped out for a less offensive color and that horrid baby rocker/nursing chair will be hauled away with the rest of Mister and Missus Nealon's Shabby Chic meets Tommy Bahamas day-core.

While the kitchen is not finished to our liking (and prominently features a pernicious pot rack), we do appreciate the relatively large size–this is, after all, a fairly small house–as well as the small work island for chopping veggies, the Wolf brand range and the built in wine refrigerator because, you know, the Dr. Cooter loves him his wine.

Upstairs, according to listing information, the master bedroom opens up to the second floor balcony that has a small but enviable view of the Pacific Ocean and includes a remodeled bathroom with custom tile work and a claw footed tub for all those people who like to sit in their own filth. Two more bedrooms are upstairs, one of which also opens to the balcony.

The main house is separated from the detached garage and guest unit by a verdant courtyard with a big ol' ficus tree growing out of a brick planter. At the rear of the property is parking for three cars (two in an enclosed garage and one in a covered but not enclosed spot). Upstairs is what listing information indicates is a legal second unit (with its own laundry facilities) that can probably be rented for a pretty penny to someone who does not mind sitting in their living room and looking into the bedrooms of their landlord across the courtyard.

Property records indicate that Mister Nealon also owns a 2 bedroom and 2 bathroom condominium on Whitsett Avenue in studio close Studio City, CA as well as a 2 bedroom and 2 bathroom waterfront condo in Captiva, FL for which he paid $461,500 in December of 2006.

Your Mama suspects that Mister and Missus Nealon have elected to move house because a couple of years ago they pushed out a baby and perhaps they would like more room for the child to roam. However, Given that Mister Nealon grew up in Santa Monica, we don't expect he'll move too far from one of the beach communities in the L.A. area. But then again, what do we know?

P.S. In 2007 Mister Nealon penned a book called Yes, You're Pregnant, But What About Me? in which he humorously relates how he suffered through pregnancy along with his wife and filmed a couple of complimentary funny bits (in this house) that can be seen here.

A Peep Into and A Poke Around 820 Fifth Avenue

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: On the swanky streets that lie west of Park Avenue on New York City's Upper East Side there are dozens of posh, pricey and essentially anonymous co-operative apartment houses in which a certain set of financially privileged and/or socially connected New Yorkers want to live. However, among the few thousand fancy pants people who pay attention to these things, only a small number of buildings in the one-oh-oh-two-one possess the hyper-exclusivity that allow them to be immediately identified (and envied) by the international upper crust simply by their street number. They include 740, 720, 834, 960 and 820, the dignified 12-story limestone pile that discreetly lords over the natty and nabobish northeast corner of Fifth Avenue and 63rd Street.

Your Mama's research through the interweb indicates that the solemn and sedate Starrett and Van Fleck designed apartment house was erected in 1916 and when built included ten full floor 18-room co-operative apartments plus two maisonette style units. Each of the full floor units spans approximately 7,500 square feet and was originally designed with 5 bedrooms, 6.5 bathrooms, 9 windows overlooking Central Park, 6 fireplaces, a private elevator landing opening to a 44-foot long entrance gallery, and 7 staff rooms. That's right children, seven cell-like staff rooms for all the silver polishers, rug fluffers, food cookers and booty wipers required to run a residence of this magnitude back in the day when obscenely wealthy folks regularly lived up in the same crib as their hired help.

In addition to 24/7 uniformed staff to open doors and tote packages, we’re told by a ladee intimately familiar with 820 whom we’ll call Miss Beeswax that all the apartments in the buttoned up white glove building are serviced by three elevators. Two are passenger lifts with attendants whose sole duty is to push the buttons for people apparently too pampered to do it themselves and the third is the service elevator for cargo and staff because the kind of rich people who inhabit buildings like 820 really prefer not to ride the elevator with the Chinese food delivery man or the neighbors’ terlit gurl.

Because there are so few apartments in the building and because the Richie Riches who move in rarely move out, seldom does one of the splendiferous spreads at 820 become available for purchase. So when the New York Observer's real estate gossip Max Abelson recently reported in his Manhattan Transfers column that home building baron Ara Hovnnian and his abstract artist wifey Rachel Lee Hovnanian are rumored to have quietly floated their fourth floor apartment at 820 on the market with a blistering asking price of $36,000,000, all us other real estate gossips sat up and took notice. Well, at least Your Mama did. Like a dog with a bone, we started digging and searching for information about the rumored to be for sale Hovnanian residence as well as whatever 411 we could root out about the identities of the other insanely wealthy residents who occupy what is considered by those who care about such things to be one of the five best (and most expensive) buildings in all of New York City.

Using previous reports about the building, a look-see through the always informative CityFile, and most especially with the generous assistance of a very special and socially connected gal pal we call The Social Butterly, we’ve managed to piece together a nearly complete list of who we believe to be the current residents of 820. The children should keep in mind that because transaction records for the building are virtually non-existent and, in all likelihood, mortgages are forbidden on apartments at 820, Your Mama cannot promise we are correct with every pairing of owner and apartment and cannot prove ownership with property records. We’ll gladly correctly any errors brought to our attention.

Starting at the bottom and working our way to the penthouse...

FIRST FLOOR MAISONETTE: There has been some confusion amongst our sources as to whether there are one or two maisonette units at 820. What we do know is that international super socialite Lily Safra owns a pied a terre sized maisonette unit in the building that she allegedly purchased for one of her two daughters. Miz Safra, much of whose billions were inherited after the death of her banking magnate husband Edmond Safra in a suspicious fire that gutted their palatial penthouse apartment in Monaco in 1999, has no personal need to occupy the maisonette because she owns and occupies the twelfth floor of 820.

According to the Social Butterfly, 820 has a second, larger doo-plex maisonette unit that occupies the north side of the ground floor and a portion of the second floor that is owned (or formerly owned) by a ladee named Norma Lerner who is a big-shit philanthropist and the owner of the Cleveland Browns football team. Your Mama is unable to confirm whether this is accurate or not. Miz Lerner, the widow of banking baron Al Lerner who made bazillions of bucks from a massive investment in the MBNA America Bank, also owns a sprawling manicured estate in Chagrin Falls, OH where, we've heard from two sources, the interiors were did up by venerable decorator to the beau monde Bunny Williams.

SECOND FLOOR: According to another source, a fine and well-bred gentleman we'll call Fifth Avenue Freddie, and by process of elimination, we've determined that the remainder of the second floor that is not part of the Lerner doo-plex maisonette appears to be owned by by housewares honcho, art collector and noted philanthropist Donald Jonas and his wife Barbara. Here's the thing, we do know that Mister and Missus Jonas own at 820 and we had originally thought they occupied the 5th floor. However several reports point towards a different owner of the 5th floor which, if accurate, leaves only this 2nd floor unit for Mister and Missus Jonas.

THIRD FLOOR: The third floor has been owned and occupied, according to a court document, since 1956, by a delicately built doyenne named Jayne Wrightsman who is the well-preserved octogenarian widow of Oklahoma oil man Charles Wrightsman and the reigning queen of New York City high society. Although the publicity shunning and formidable Miz Wrightsman does not occupy a seat on the board, it is widely reported that nothing gets done at 820 without her saying so, including who gets in and who does not, the color of the carpets in the lobby or the amount of shine on the porters' shoes.

Ol' Miz Wrightsman, who was reported to come from modest means (in an article in Vanity Fair we can not find online), worked tirelessly to cultivate a very serious career as a major collector and patron of the arts extraordinaire. And children, when we say major Your Mama means may-jah. For example, the Wrightsmans possessed a painting called "Study of a Young Woman," which happens to be one of the very few and very rare Vermeers known to exist in the world. If y’all don’t know who Mister Vermeer is, Your Mama suggests you get on the damn interweb and get yerself some art history.

Missus Wrightsma also owned and donated to the Metropolitan Museum of Art a red lacquer bureau plat (desk) commissioned from the ebiniste (cabinetmaker) Joubert by Louis XV himself for his library at Versailles which is arguably, according to The Social Butterfly, the single most important piece of French furniture on North American soil.

Not only that, Mister and Missus Wrightsman have galleries at the Metropolitan Museum of Art named after them that are full of soo-blime French decorative arts pieces generously donated by the couple. Those would be, of course, The Wrightsman Galleries. In fact, their extensive and extravagant donations form the very backbone of the entire collection of French Decorative Arts at The Met. So, you know children, beehawtcha has earned her big ladee vaunted position in the pantheon of important and powerful patrons of the arts not only in New York City, but around the damn world.

FOURTH FLOOR: The fourth floor is one of only a couple of units at 820 that have changed hands multiple times in the last 10 or 20 years. For many years, the 18-room sprawler was owned by poet, philanthropist, rumored lezbeeuhn, and paper heiress Louise Crane whose family concern, Crane & Co., manufactures high-grade stationary and has provided the paper on which U.S. currency has been printed for nearly 150 years. Miz Crane was about as old as money gets in this young country.

After Miz Crane’s death in 1997, the apartment was sold to khaki pants king Tommy Hilfiger who somehow scooched by the notoriously fussy and stringent board and reportedly scooped the apartment up in the spring of 1999 for around $10,000,000 (or $11,500,000 depending on where you look). After jumping through all the board's crazy hoops and demands and finally finessing his way into the building, Mister Hilfiger did the unthinkable, he quickly changed his mind about living up in 820 and flipped the apartment back onto the market at a much higher price than he paid. No doubt there were some angry rich people huffing and puffing and burning up the phone lines that day.

Mister Hilfiger did okay flipping his never occupied digs at 820 as it was snatched up by none other than The Widda Safra who reportedly forked over around $18,000,000 to purchase the apartment for one of her two daughters. Soon after a multi-million dollar renovation said to include new lighting and floors–and for reasons unknown to Your Mama–the Safra gurl decided she didn’t want to move into 820 afterall. The unit was listed on the open market at $24,500,000 with legendary New York real estate agent Sharon Baum who–true story–rides around in a chauffeured Rolls Royce with a license plate that reads "SOLD 1." The apartment languished on the market for a bit and in 2003 was purchased by the current owners, the above mentioned Ara and Rachel Hovnanian, who reportedly paid around $23,500,000 for the rare privilege of living with the hoitiest of the toitiest at 820.

The home building and art making Hovnanians, who were visited by Tragedy in 2002 when their teenage son perished in a boating incident, hired accomplished Dutch architect Piet Boon to work the apartment over. And work it over he did, stripping the place down to the studs and creating a glistening, uncluttered and very contemporary crib that retains a sense of history and place due to the outrageously gorgeous and massive moldings that make a stunning counterpoint the the couples enviable art collection which reportedly includes works by Damien Hirst, Henri Matisse and, of course, Missus Hovnanian herself.

Because no official listing for the apartment exits, there are no listing photos or a floor plan available online for the apartment as it currently exists. However, we did locate a floor plan for the apartment as it was laid out at the time the Hovnanians purchased the unit (see below) and thanks to The Social Butterfly–who has a mind like a steel trap–we learned that the very spare and nearly all white gallery-like tour de force of interior dee-zine magnificence was photographed for the now defunct House & Garden in 2005. Photos and the accompanying article by Eliszabeth Blish Hughes can be found here. (Additional photos can found on Mister Boon's website.)

The children will note that the wall between the library and living room has been knocked out and several of the staff rooms have been combined leaving just two plus a "servants hall" and large laundry facilities. We have no idea if Mister Boon and the Hovnanians retained this layout but according to the writer Miss Blish Hughes, one of the staff rooms has been converted into a mirrored studio where the Hovnanians pretzel their body with the Bikram yoga. Dear jeezis in heaven, Your Mama can not imagine much more distressing and psychologically damaging than a fully mirrored room where we could look at our soft front side and big ol' backside at the same time.
As a final note on the rumored “quiet" listing of the Hovnanian apartment, just this morning we received a covert communique from our well-connected informant Miss Beeswax who whispered in Your Mama's big ol' ear that word on the über-luxe real estate street in Manhattan is that quote, "a deal to sell is already locked up in contract.” If true, and given that 820 has one of the strictest boards known to wealthy woman, man and child, Miss Beeswax and Your Mama (and all the other real estate watchers with their eyeballs trained on 820) are on pins and needles waiting to learn who managed to get passed gargoyles of 820. Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

FIFTH FLOOR: For a number of years the fifth floor was owned and occupied by financier Frank Richardson and his 3rd wifey Nancy who is known as a socialite as well as an art and antiques expert of some sort. In the mid-1990s the Richardson's went splitsville and famously feuded over their high priced Fifth Avenue co-operative apartment as well as their house in the Hamptons. Eventually, it seems, Miz Richardson was granted ownership and soon put it on the market. It was widely whispered and reported Band-Aid heiress Libbet Johnson wanted to purchase the sprawler and combine it with the Crane apartment on the 4th floor which happened to be up for sale at the same time. Some say the board would have been thrilled to have Miss Johnson living up in their dignified dowager but were not so keen on her combining two apartments into one hulking beast of an apartment. Others say Miss Johnson was put off by the buildings notorious renovation restrictions which would might have made the big job of combining the two units into a multi-year affair.

We originally thought that kitchenware king Donald Jonas owned the 5th floor but found several reports that indicate that Miz Richardson eventually sold the 5th floor unit sometime in 2000 to billionaire manufacturing mogul Steven Rales and his ladee-mate Christine who it was rumored offered Miz Richardson somewhere in the neighborhood of $17,500,000. Mister and Missus Rales had recently made a spin through the real estate gossip pages after flipping a 7,200 square foot spread at 740 Park Avenue that they bought in 1999 for $13,000,000, never moved into and sold a year later for close to it's $16,000,000 asking price.

SIXTH FLOOR: Financier H. Fred Krimendahl and his social wifey Emilia Saint-Amand occupy the sixth floor. Mister Krimendahl spent more than 30 years making boo-coo bucks working in the upper reaches of management at Goldman, Sachs & Co. and now that we all know just how much money wall street kingpins and banking big wigs take home in salary and bonuses we understand how it is the Krimendahls have the dough to shack up at 820.

SEVENTH FLOOR: In the mid-1990s, former Warner Bros. co-CEO and Yahoo! billionaire Terry Semel reportedly paid $12,250,000 (or $12,500,000 depending on where you look) for the seventh floor apartment of oil rich Gordon Getty and his wisp thin wife Ann. It was reported at the time that Mister and Missus Semel were nearly nixed in their bid to purchase the Getty's apartment by none other than ol' Miz Wrightsman who expressed reservations but eventually acquiesced. Mister and Missus Semel's digs are unique in the building because instead of windows in the living room and library, there are French doors that open to a slim balcony with a limestone balustrade. We've heard (but can not confirm) that notoriously despotic architect Thierry Despont worked over the interiors for the Semels.

EIGHTH FLOOR: In 2002, Goldman Sachs honcho Jack Levy paid a reported $15M to purchase the 8th floor apartment from the estate of Greek shipping tycoon Stavros Niarchos who had the place done up and did over in the mid 198os by much lauded Italian interior designer Renzo Mongiardino who, the children may recall, also did up the gigantic apartment that financially distressed socialite Veronica Hearst was forced to sell at 4 East 66th Street for around thirty million smackers. We imagine Mister Mongiardino's exuberant day-core and trademark faux finish masterwork has been hauled out down the service elevator by the current owners.

NINTH FLOOR: The ninth floor once belonged to deceased CBS president Bill Paley and his very fashionable (and dead) wife Babe. The unit now belongs to Michael David-Weill, the former CEO of the legendary investment banking firm Lazard, and although Your Mama cannot confirm it, The Social Butterfuly swears on her gem strewn decolletage that Mister David-Weill’s unit has been doo-plexed with about 1/3 of the 10th floor.

TENTH FLOOR: Both The Social Butterfly and Fifth Avenue Freddie have indicated that the remaining 2/3 of the 10th floor (not owned by Michael David-Weill) is owned by the Belgian Consulate, presumably to house their top dignitary or visiting VIPs.

ELEVENTH FLOOR: Enormously influential art dealer, prolific collector and co-op board president William Acquavella and his wifey Donna reportedly spent $9.8 for their 11th floor pad way back in 1993 when they purchased it from the fantastically rich Texas oil and electronics heiress/bizness woman Anne Marion, wife of former Sotheby's head honcho John Marion.

TWELFTH FLOOR: As mentioned above, lacquer haired high priestess of high society Lily Safra has owned the 12th floor penthouse for at least 20 years. All the children will surely recall that The Widda Safra is the lucky and very rich ladee who owns a pedigreed Belle Epoque estate in the Cote d’Azure called Villa Leopolda which is constantly and perpetually rumored to be for sale for upwards of $500,000,000. Miz Safra is currently involved in an in ugly legal imbroglio with a property mad Russian billionaire who wants his fifty or sixty million dollar deposit returned after backing out of a deal in which The Widda Safra was to get a rumored, reported and stroke inducing $750,000,000 for the legendarily high maintenance estate.

While currying favor with other residents of the building and sweet talking Ol' Miz Wrightsman may in fact be more than half the battle of anyone hoping to buy one of the commodious co-operative units at 820, it goes without saying that the board (and every other resident of the building who is not on the board) will also want to absolutely sure that any potential buyer has deep pockets...seriously deep pockets. It has been reported (and whispered to Your Mama by The Social Butterfly) that buyers at 820, like many of the top shelf buildings in New York, must pay all cash for their apartments and they must be able to show at least 10 times the purchase price of the unit in liquid assets. A few flicks of the beads on our well worn abacus reveals then that anyone interested in Mister and Missus Hovnanian's elegantly spare fourth floor flight of architectural fancy will need well over $350,000,000 sitting around (liquid!!) just to be considered for a potential neighbor. Residents must also, of course, be able to cover any assessments made for building repairs and upgrades and The Social Butterfly swears that maintenance at 820 is at least $17,000 for the full floor units. That's seventeen grand per month, kids. While Your Mama can not confirm that figure–which just means it's rumor and hearsay–we'd bet the farm that if ain't seventeen a month, it's probably higher.

Anyhoo, former residents of 820 are said to include former governor of New York Alfred E. Smith, Arthur and Kathryn Murray (of the Arthur Murray Dance Studios), Robert Goelet whose family once owned a good chuck of the land under the Rockefeller Center, former chairman of General Motors Alfred Sloan Jr., tobacco heir Pierre Loriallard, and Eberhard Faber, whose family name appears on bazillions of pens and pencils world wide.

Finally, rejected applicants–or those encouraged not grovel for acceptance from the board at 820–are said to include fashion designer Valentino Garavani, billionaire investor Ron Perelman, corporate raider Asher B. Edelman, flamboyant and wildly wealthy Freddie Koch, and legally blind gambling titan Steve Wynn.

Many people who don't play in the same financial sandbox as the sorts of high-fallutin' folks who inhabit buildings like 820 and 740 and 960 will surely find the draconian restrictions and seemingly arbitrary and usually secret rules and regulations for being allowed to live in one of the "better" co-operative buildings in New York to be completely insane. And they are. That is unless you're among the very small group of people who have the power, privilege, money and desire to pick and choose who your neighbors are going to be.

photo: City Realty

UPDATE: Victoria Gotti

Ooo-wee children, some one's big ol' blond weave is all in a tangle today for sure...

Back in late December of 2008, Your Mama discussed the terrifying Long Island mansion of mobbed up mommy/writer/reality tee-vee star Victoria Gotti which she had on the market with an asking price of $3,500,000. The property has been for sale on and off for a number of years with an asking price as high as $4,800,000. Thanks to the Long Island Loleeda we've recently learned that it's currently priced at a significantly lower $2,300,000.

The Gotti estate, which includes a swimming pool, tennis court, stables, guesthouse, a tacky fountain or two, and a damn go-kart trak, stretches over four acres in the blue-blooded and old money enclave of Old Westbury, NY where it sits up against the very busy and disturbingly loud Long Island Expressway. Okay, we confess, the property doesn't actually butt up to the Long Island Expressway, there's a service road between the property at the expressway which means it's just a couple hundred feet at best from the expressway.

Anyhoo, the single mother of three disrespectful and spikey haired sons–who all proved themselves to be virtually incapable of stringing a complete sentence together on their thankfully canceled reality program Growing Up Gotti–has not managed to secure a buyer with taste sufficiently impaired to cough up a few million clams for the 5 bedroom and 5.5 bathroom architectural crime spree.

Not only has that Miz Gotti been stuck living up in this real estate white elephant that no one wants to buy, according to the folks at New York Post (via CityFile), bee-hawtcha stopped paying her damn mortgage way back in September of 2006 and now owes her bank a reported $650,000, a sitch-ee-ay-shun which tends to get the bank people all kinds of pissed off. After much legal wrangling, her bank has won the right boot Miz Gotti from her gaudy house of interior dee-zine horrors and try to sell the eyesore at auction.

As the children might expect, Miz Gotti ain't in the mood to be chit-chatting with the press about her financial pickle or about J.P. Morgan Chase giving her the heave-ho from her home. However, her mother seems to have a thing or two to say on the matter and is blaming the entire brouhaha on Miz Gotti's ex-husband Carmine Agnello declaring in the New York Post that, "The creep that he is, he took out a mortgage behind her back. She can't afford to pay."

Because Your Mama never likes to see anyone forced from their home, we'd like to offer poor Miz Gotti a little advice for scaring up some income in order to pay the rent on her new digs, wherever they may be. The powers that be are not going to let that moe-ron ex-governer of Illinois Rod Blagojevich participate in the next season of reality boob-toob disaster I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here. This means, of course, there's a spot open in the cast of seriously questionable characters that includes ex-model turned scary-faced plastic surgery disaster Janice Dickinson, hairrific American Idol reject Sanjaya Malakar and that obscene publicity slut Spencer Pratt and his no-talent wifey Heidi Montag. If we were Miz Gotti, which praize jeezis we are not, we'd have our agent on the horn yesterday begging the producers to put our 40-something year old ass on an airplane and let our outta control weave battle it out with the jungle in Costa Rica with all the other d-list celebrities desperate for a paycheck. Just a thought.

Natalie Portman Purchases Celebrity Magnet Mini-Mansion in Los Feliz

BUYER: Natalie Portman
SELLER: Estate of LeRoi Moore (at least we're pretty sure that's who it is)
LOCATION: Linwood Drive, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $3,250,000
SIZE: 4,866 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Grand Laughlin Park 1930s estate of exquisite craftsmanship & detail. This unique estate has 4 br 2 ba plus 2 sep gst homes, a prvt courtyard entry to main foyer, voluminous rooms or rich wood floors, walls & ceilings leaded sanctuary style windows, Bo trussed ceilings of gallery proportions & leaded glass French doors leading to spectacular stone loggia. Over 18,000sf lushly landscaped grounds w/ a beautiful pool. Systems have been upgraded including state-of-the-art security control system.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Back in early August of 2008, Your Mama discussed (and kinda dissed) Oscar nominated actress Natalie Portman's posh 2-bedroom digs in a Richard Meier designed green glass tower in New York City which she had listed for sale at $6,550,000 and which records show she sold in late November of 2008 for it's full asking price to an unknown entity called Monkway Properties Inc.

Then, a couple of weeks ago Your Mama discussed property in the gated Laughlin Park community in the Los Feliz area of Los Angeles which has a long history of celebrity ownership. In 1997, formerly married actors Dermot Mulroney and the dee-veeon Catherine Keener bought the Linwood Drive dwelling from Grammy winning musician Chick Corea. In 2005 Mister Mulroney and Miz Keener went splitsville and sold the quirky but homey house to a business entity we are 99.9% certain belonged to recently deceased saxophonist LeRoi Moore who was a long time member of The Dave Matthews Band.

At the time we discussed the property, which was listed at $3,199,000, it was under contract and we recklessly bet the children our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly that the star magnet mini-manse was being bought by yet another celebrity. And, at the risk of sounding like we were gloating, Your Mama was right.

Thanks to the Los Feliz Flapjaw (and confirmed with a peep into the property records), Your Mama has learned the Linwood Drive domicile was purchased by none other that fresh-faced Natalie Portman who paid $3,250,000 for the 4 bedroom and 2 bathroom residence which, the children will note, is a bit higher than the asking price leading Your Mama to believe there was considerable interest in the 1930 mini-estate.

The House of Ilene Chaiken

SELLER: Ilene Chaiken
LOCATION: Reppert Court, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $2,195,000
SIZE: 3,500 square feet (approx.), 4 bedrooms, 5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Architects own very private one of a kind home, set on almost an acre on a a quiet cul-de-sac this magical setting property comprises a collection of buildings including a guest house & two offices. Completely private it's perfect for a celebrity or an artist who wants to work from home. The property comprises of 4/6 bedrooms (depending on how space is used) along w/ pool.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Back in the olden days, when Your Mama first picked up our chop sticks and moved east to New York City, we frequently palled around with a crew of arty-farty lesbian ladees who were all friendly and cozy with another crew of budding female filmmakers that included Kim Peirce (Boys Don't Cry, Stop-Loss), Guinevere Turner (Go Fish, American Psycho) and Rose Troche (Go Fish). Besides all being ladees who like other ladees, these three woman have something else in common...they've all had a finger or two in The L Word pie. Miz Peirce directed at least one episode, Miz Turner directed and appeared in several episodes, and Miz Troche wrote, produced and directed a hefty number of episodes for the recently canceled program about a group of high drama gay, lesbian, bi-sexual and transgender folks living it up in West Hollywood, CA.

All this brings us to the creator of The L Word, a successful lezbeeuhn ladee named Ilene Chaiken, whom Your Mama does not know nor have we ever met. Miz Chaiken and her ladee-mate, an English born architect named Miggi Hood, have long owned a very private pad in the Hollywood Hills which they recently put up for sale at $2,495,000, a figure that was quickly lowered to it's current asking price $2,195,000.

Property records show Mizzes Chaiken and Hood picked up their Reppert Court crib back in January of 1992 when they paid $650,000 for the near 1-acre property. Lawhd have mercy children, long gone are the glory days when a person could pick up property in a good part of Los Angeles for just six hundred and fifty thousand clams. Don't misunderstand Your Mama, that's still a staggering sum of money in most parts of the good ol' U.S. of A., but it ain't nothing in LaLa Land and it's certainly less then 1/3 of what it's going to cost someone to buy this property today.

Anyhoo, the Chaiken/Hood house, which we see as a modernized farmhouse meets a Richard Gluckman acolyte meets a 20th century modern furniture store on Beverly Boo-lay-vard, is located at the tail end of a short and scrubby cul-de-sac where a long, curvy driveway rises through the un-landscaped property to a motor court where half a dozen Lezburus and Priuses can be comfortably accommodated. The unassuming facade opens to crisp, clean, pared down and warmly minimal interior spaces that include a large (if uncomfortably low-ceilinged) living room with a wood burning fireplace, honey colored wide-plank wood floors, floor to ceiling built-in book cases filled with actual books (imagine that?) and an eclectic but impressive collection of vintage furniture from the forties, fifties and sixties.

The living room is open to the very spare and deliciously all-white gallery-like dining room which, as far as Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter are concerned, is successfully saved from feeling overly stark and visually chilly by the large skylights, a second wood burning fireplace, a flag stone floor Your Mama is certain feels dee-voonly and softly abrasive on the bare foot, and a soo-blime honey colored wood and leather dining room set which we think was probably done by a fancy designer in the 1940s and probably cost more than most of the children's automobiles.

While we loathe the oppressive beige tiles on the kitchen floor which would be much better suited to a restaurant kitchen and we're more than a little surprised and disappointed about that frumpy beige slip-covered couch which looks like it was pushed up against the windows because it had no better place to be, we are are swooning for the wood ceiling that soars asymmetrically to a large skylight. Although we know few will feel the same way, we're cool with (most of) the deconstructed industrial elements of the kitchen (i.e. the hulking Vulcan brand range and restaurant prep tables) because it reminds Your Mama of many happy summers spent on the East End of Long Island in a similarly voluminous and deconstructed kitchen space located in a warehouse building that was once the town laundry and which had been converted to a solar powered residence owned by a much loved gay gal pal we called Flower. Memories, like the corners of our mind...

But we digress again...In addition to the main house, which listing information indicates includes 4-6 bedrooms and 5 bathrooms, two outbuildings house office or studio space and a pool side guest house where we find a kitchenette and a separate sleeping area that opens to a narrow terrace that extends into the treetops. The free form swimming pool is surrounded by the same flag stone as is on the floor in the dining room and a covered porch runs along the back of the house making for a cool and shaded spot to sip gin and tonics and watch well built guests skinny dip in the pretty pool below.

Listing information also indicates the lesbian ladees would be willing to lease the property at $9,500 per month.

Peter Norton Selling Central Park West Condo

SELLER: Peter Norton
LOCATION: Central Park West, New York, NY
PRICE: $16,250,000
SIZE: 4,415 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 6.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: This high floor, Central Park West residence proudly features one of the finest residential layouts designed by renowned architect Philip Johnson. A grandly proportioned gallery seamlessly separates living, service and sleeping areas, while its generous scale provides ideal entertaining space and a wonderful backdrop for the most discerning art collectors. This inspiring flow leads to 3 bedrooms library/4th bedroom, formal dining room, grand living room, wet bar, modern eat in kitchen, 6.5 marble baths and ample service and storage areas...

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: The other day we were reading real estate gossip Max Abelson's most recent Manhattan Transfers column in the New York Observer in which he discussed two high floor apartments at the Trump International Hotel and Towers in New York City that for the bank account busting price of $34,700,000 could be combined to create a capacious 8,830 square foot doo-plex apartment that would include 6 or maybe 8 bedrooms (depending on how one counts) and at least 14 terlits for the house gurl to hate on.

The lower apartment, currently listed at $18,450,000, spreads across 4,415 square feet of the 44th floor and belongs to a man named Richard O. Ullman who made most of his hundreds of millions on administering and managing pharmaceutical benefits, whatever that means. Mister Abelson's recent article about Mister Ullman's Trump International residence is not Mister Ullman's first turn on the so-called celebrity real estate merry go round having been identified in November of 2008 by Mister Abelson as the likely (but unconfirmed) owner of a large terraced doo-plex apartment at the much ballyhooed Robert A.M. Stern designed 15 Central Park West which was was bought in March of 2008 for $23,500,000 and rumored to be flipped back on the market as a "quiet" listing with an eye-popping (and rather optimistic) $75,000,000 asking price.

Anyhoo, it's not Mister Ullman and his high-priced real estate comings and goings we want to discuss, it's tech tycoon turned renowned contemporary art collector Peter Norton's apartment on the forty-fifth floor of the Trump International which currently carries an asking price of $16,250,000 (reduced from $17,900,000). As unscientific proof that birds of feather nest together, the bulk of the 45th floor, according to property records, is owned by Texas-based billionaire Mark Cuban who appears to own a couple of cribs that combined measure a commodious 5,778 square feet.

Property records show Mister Norton purchased his 3-4 bedroom and 6.5 bathroom condominium unit on Central Park West in January of 1998 for an unknown amount of money. Listing information reveals that interior spaces pinwheel around a central gallery that defines the traffic flow and separates the living, sleeping and service spaces all of which doubled as a rotating gallery space for the massive contemporary art collection amassed by Mister Norton and his first wifey Eileen. The Norton collection, believed to be one of the largest and most valuable private collections in the world, includes works by big name and big bucks artists Takashi Murakami, Robert Lazzarini, Yinka Shonabare, John Currin, Gregory Crewdson, Vik Muniz and many, many, meh-nee more.

For reasons that we will absolutely not discuss in order to protect the innocent, Your Mama has actually been inside Mister Norton's apartment on several occasions where we were non-plussed by the predictable and not particularly inspired architecture and depressingly drab day-core but was left slack-jawed and bug-eyed over the soo-blime and very serious art that was everywhere we turned and rivaled any trip to any contemporary museum or hoity toity art gallery anywhere.

Here are the four things we remember most about Mister Norton's aerie.

1. While the lobby of the building is glitzy and shiny in the way only Donald Trump can (and would) do, the wide, runway-length hallways that lead to the individual apartments of the Trump International look disturbingly similar and equally as banal as the hallways of a very clean and well kept Best Western Hotel Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter stayed in on one of our cross country jaunts in our big BMW that was stuffed full of gin, tonic, our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly and that howling pussy we call Sugar.

2. To the left of the entrance gallery is a tremendous living room with one full and another partial wall of floor to ceiling windows with thrilling views south over the the building tops and east over Central Park and towards the dignified apartment houses that line Fifth Avenue just above 59th Street. Equally as stunning as the spine-tingling only-in-New York view was a large Kara Walker cut paper silhouette installation that stretched down an entire wall of the living room.

3. To the right of the art filled entrance gallery was Mister Norton's den/office and a long dining room with a dizzy making wood floor, a pretty (but very ordinary) Fortuny chandelier and floor to ceiling windows looking west over the building tops and towards a particularly leafy part of New Jersey. Beyond the kitchen is the not too big but gigantic for New York City kitchen which is functionally equipped with milky smooth marble counter tops, ordinary white cabinetry and a eating area where an Ingo Maurer Porca Misera! chandelier hangs over a small round table set in front of huge window through which ships can be seen gliding peacefully down the mighty Hudson River.

4. Although we did not know it from our visits, it turns out there are 6.5 bathrooms in Mister Norton's apartment including two marble numbers in the master suite and another in one of the secondary bedrooms in which the terlit sits right up next to the floor to a ceiling window where we fear someone with binoculars at the Time Warner Center across Columbus Circle could easily watch a person do their dirty bizness should they be so inclined.

Other amenities, according to listing information and a peek at the floor plan, include a service area with a full bathroom (since rich people prefer the help not use their terlits), laundry facilities and a pantry for storing extra paper towels and canned goods. The master suite has a proper foyer which obstructs sight lines from the living spaces into the boo-dwar, two bathrooms (one, unfortunately, without a window), and five closets comprised of 3 walk-ins, one linen and one standard thingamuhjobby.

Although it's tough to tell from the lackluster listing photos, Mister Norton's digs were designed by noted interior decorator Sheila Bridges who also did up the Harlem offices of Bill Clinton, the red-nosed ex-president. Miz Bridges does fine work so we won't hold her responsible for the bizarre and conversation unfriendly arrangement of furniture in the living room that was surely created by Mister Norton's staff without a consult from Miz Bridges.

As we discussed back in August of 2008, Mister Norton and his new wifey, a financier named Gwen, have decamped to much more modest but still frightfully expensive ($6,800,000) downtown digs that measure 2,861 square feet of interior space with another 1,100 square feet of city view terrace. As far as we know, Mister Norton still owns a drop-dead 8 bedroom Queen Anne style Victorian retreat on easy going but high toned Martha's Vineyard.

A Supermodel House in the Hills

SELLER: Shannan Click
LOCATION: Mountcrest Avenue, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $2,146,000
SIZE: 2,058 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Double steel doors open to reveal explosive city views and the excitement of wide open living spaces. Disappearing wall of glass give way to expansive decks merging interior and exterior. Huge eat-in chef's kitchen and built-in audio provide essential elements for entertaining in style. On another level, a secluded master suite with fireplace, marble bath, and walk in closet. 2 additional bedrooms and 1 and 1/2 baths.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Listen children, although we're working on getting the delicious dirt on the transactions of a couple of famous folks whose names appear in all the gossip glossies on a regular basis, the celebrity real estate pickings have been a bit slim lately so today we're going to go with a Hollywood Hills house owned by a gorgeous gal named Shannan Click who recently listed her L.A. digs with an asking price of $2,146,000 (lowered from $2,296,000).

We'd bet out long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly that many of the children will not recognize Miss Click's name but certainly y'all have seen her peering from the pages of magazines shilling fashion bits and pieces for high-brow companies like Dior Cosmetics, Emporio Armani and Dolce & Gabbana just to name a few. Fashion freaks will also know that Miss Click has cat walked for insanely expensive labels like Chloé, Balenciaga, Lanvin and Chanel Couture. Horny males and ladee loving females may also recognize her from when she snagged a much coveted spot to strut the runway in puny panties during the 2008 Victoria's Secret fashion show. And, of course, it should come as no surprise that like too many size zeros with photogenic faces, Miss Click wants to "act" and recently appeared in a film Your Mama has never heard of called Frost as well as played the itty-bitty role of "List Member #3" in a deeply disastrous movie called Deception.

A peep into property records shows Miss Click–who was once romantically linked to actor/prolific model and starlet humper Stephen Dorff–picked up her 2,058 square foot house in August of 2005 when she paid $1,700,000 for the dramatic Mountcrest Avenue dwelling.

Listing information indicates the 3 bedroom, 2.5 bathroom two story house is entered through a heavy (and unnecessarily heavy handed) set of steel front doors that open to a loft-like (but low-ceilinged) living and dining room with blond wood floors and a section of windows that slide into the walls eradicating any barrier between the interior space and the wide deck that runs along the back of the house. The galley style kitchen features glossy white cabinetry, black granite counter tops, a full suite of high-grade stainless steel appliances including a vixenish Viking brand dishwasher, and and eating area with a curved wall punctuated by narrow slits of floor to ceiling glazing.

The lower floor includes two secondary bedrooms and the master suite where all the supermodel magic happens. In addition to a wood burning fireplace with lighted cubbies, the master suite includes a marble bathroom, walk-in closet and another large section of window that disappears into the walls when opened.

Like many houses in the hills, the front facade sits right on the road with only a small sliver of landscaping where a trio of palm trees flank the entrance and the 2-car garage. At the rear, deep and wide decks on both levels offer glittery and glam views and are connected by a spiral staircase that is probably a bit precarious for old people and/or booze hounds.

Records also show that in March of 2007 the New York based live mannequin paid an unknown amount of modeling money for a 2 bedroom apartment with a 600 sq. ft. terrace in an East Village co-op on the once dee-lightfully scrungy now dicsconcertingly stroller strewn Avenue A.

Rihanna's ex-Rental Residence

SELLER: It Does Not Really Matter Because He Ain't Famous
LOCATION: Tryon Road, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $2,949,000
SIZE: 4, 545 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 4 full and 2 half bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Celebrity estate, gated & high above the city, this SBY designed architectural is the perfect fusion of mid-century modern aesthetic & laid back LA lifestyle. Open floor plan where expanses of glass dissolve boundaries between the house & the city below. Views stretch from Downtown to ocean, and are enjoyed from almost any room in the home. Gourmet kitch w/ top appliances. Sexy master w/ own den + walk-in steam shower. Wrap around viewing decks & lush yard w/ pool & fire pit.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Your Mama is old, but we are not so old that we don't know that the young people like this Rihanna gurl that sings about umbrellas and who was recently all kinds of mixed up with a man who (allegedly) gave her a big ol' beat down on some street in the Hancock Park area of Los Angeles. Lawhd have mercy children, what kind of man hits on a woman? Seriously, a man has gotta be making up for some seriously small naughty bits if he needs to be smackin' up on a ladee to feel like a man, you know what we're saying?

Anyhoo, at the time of the (alleged) physical altercation, Miss Rihanna, whose real name is Robyn Fenty, was leasing a house up in Los Feliz area of Los Angeles. That house, owned by a man who was once called a writer and a designer in an article in the L.A. Times, recently hit the market with an asking price of $2,949,000. The owner has been trying to unload this house since sometime in mid-2007 when it was on the market with the wonky asking price of $3,249,500.

Property records show the Tryon Road residence was purchased by its current owner in November of 2005 for $1,699,000 and listing information indicates the three story hillside house measures 4,545 square feet with 4 bedrooms and 4 full bathrooms and 2 half bathrooms which makes six terlits that Miss Rihanna's house gurl had to scrub up.

The main floor the of the very colorful contemporary crib comprises the small entry and stair hall, a large open plan living and dining area divided by a double sided fireplace and a long wall of sliding windows that open to a large balcony/terrace with long and wide views from downtown Los Angeles all the way to the Pacific Ocean and include shades that can be operated by remote control.

A small family room is open to the large kitchen which sports some crazy Rosewood cabinetry and grass green glass counter tops that Your Mama hopes look better in person because in the photos, they are painful to look at. The main floor is completed by a triangular shaped powder pooper and a guest bedroom and bathroom.

The second floor includes two family bedrooms, each with a private pooper. Strangely and unfortunately, the laundry room is located in the large walk-in closet of one of the bedrooms, a situation that surely had better remedy than this. The master suite includes a large sitting area that opens to a narrow balcony that overlooks the glittery lights of Los Angeles, and the bedroom area has a wood burning fireplace for all those people who think doing it on a bear skin rug in front of a fire is romantic. The large but awkwardly shaped master bath features a large soaking tub for two, double sinks, a private cubby for the terlit and a party-sized steam shower.

A narrow space which we believe to be located under the main floor and not accessible without going outside has been kitted out as a media room with a large plasma tee-vee, surround sound and a half bathroom that facilitates quickie trips to the terlit during commercial breaks without having to climb up and down a bunch of bothersome stairs. While the 2-car garage is located on Tryon Road, the entrance to the house is also and best accessible from a private drive off of N. Gramercy Place.

In addition to the wide west facing balconies–which thankfully have wide awnings to shield the interior spaces from the particularly blistering afternoon sunshine, the outdoor spaces include a narrow, serene and decked courtyard area tucked up between the house and the hillside that has an outdoor fireplace sort of thing. The small swimming pool, spa and outdoor shower are all well sited for privacy and nood sunbathing and according to the article in the L.A. Times, the swimming pool can be shaded by a retractable awning.

No children, Your Mama should not have to remind y'all not to get up in your hoopdies and drive up to Los Feliz to see if you can see Riri sunning on the deck because not only does Miss Rihanna have some scary security, she'd done moved on and does not live here anymore.

Although we do know Miss RiRi is currently hanging about in New York (and reported to be hunting for digs there), we're unsure about where the singing super star is hanging up her snakeskin heels in Los Angeles. The always spot on Junebug recently told us Miss Rihanna used to hole up in an apartment in the Wilshire Corridor, but honestly we are not sure if that is that case now and neither is Junebug.

What's been rumored and reported, however, is that Miss Rihanna paid a steep 12 million clams for a house in Bel Air. This may be true, but it also might be a bunch of hooey because remember hunnies, it was only in August of 2008 that salacious stories were circulating that Miss Rihanna had only $20,000 left to her name. Pleeze. Somehow we doubt Miss Riri is poverty stricken but we happen to know, from Junebug and others, that she is humping around the Hollywood Hills with several different agents all of whom are hungry to sell her a modern manse in the $5-6,000,000 range.

For what it is worth, property records show the seller of the Tryon Road residence also owns a house on Holly Oak Drive that he snatched up for $880,000 from actor Blair Underwood.

David Lee's Desert Digs

SELLER: David Lee
LOCATION: W. Hermosa Place, Palm Springs, CA
PRICE: $5,995,000
SIZE: 7,000 square feet (approx.), 6 bedrooms, 7.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Designed by architect Donald Wexler for Dinah Shore in 1963 this legendary tennis estate defines timeless architecture. The 1.3 acre property offers a rare opportunity to experience a piece of architecture and design that embodies the enjoyment of past, present and future. Extensive renovations were done to bring the interiors current while honoring the bones of the house. The blue print for modern desert living, this property embraces the beauty of the environment by commingling the interior and exterior space, while using current materials Wexler might have used if available to him during original creation.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Listen puppies, Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter decided to dart out to the desert for a few days of much needed and rest and relaxation among all the greys and gays in Palm Springs. Therefore we don't have much time to pontificate and digress since Marc the pool boy is waiting to plug in the gin and tonic I.V. drip system that will smooth all the rough edges created by the gaggle of giggly and annoying women roaming the property like it's their personal bachelorette party playground.

Anyhoo, in honor of being among the cactus and extreme heat we thought we'd bring the children a little real estate desert dee-voonity in the form of a long, low and fully rehabbed residence owned by television titan David Lee being offered for sale with an asking price of $5,995,000.

For those who do not know and/or are too damn lazy to google Mister Lee, back in the early 1980s the man wrote for the boob-toob tour de force The Jeffersons, went on to write and produce a few episodes of Wings and Cheers, and then created, wrote and directed the award winning but ferociously annoying program Frasier about a couple of highly effeminate but allegedly straight psychiatrist brothers. Frasier, which by our blurry eyed count earned Mister Lee 8 Emmy nominations and five statuettes will surely keep lucky Mister Lee residuals rich the rest of his life.

Property records show the Mister Lee scooped up his desert digs back in December of 2002 when he forked over three million clams for a flat 1.34 acre estate with a Donald Wexler designed modernist residence built in 1963 for Dinah Shore,whose name is associated with a great big lezbo golf tourney in Palm Springs but who, apparently, was not into the ladees. Who knew?

Located in the lovely and expensive Old Las Palmas neighborhood that hugs the base of the spectacularly rugged San Jacinto mountain range, listing information shows the W. Hermosa Place house sprawls across (approx.) 7,000 square feet of meticulously modernized and eye-popping mid-century modernity and includes 6 color-coded bedrooms and 7.5 bathrooms.

The multi-winged mansion includes walls of floor to ceiling glass that frame views of the very verdant and expensive to keep green back yard and towards the magnificent mountains beyond. The long and low structure is comprised of linear elements of stone walls, vast floor to ceiling panels of glass and a wood ceiling. In addition to the main house a tennis shack houses a fully equipped gym where Mister Lee and his man-friends can pump iron and a large sparkling swimming pool is surrounded by loungers and umbrellas for baking like a potato in the blistering desert sunshine.

According to our pal Kenny Kissintell, who cattily calls Mister Lee the very philanthropic, "Valentino of prime time tee-vee," Mister Lee's Los Angeles residence is in Studio City where records would indicate he lives in a large but somewhat modest house well-sited for privacy on Wrightwood Drive.

The real estate market in Palm Springs is currently in the terlit so Your Mama wishes Mister Lee all the luck in the world unloading his desert digs.

Now then, the bridzilla and her bitches have already starting causing an auditory ruckus so we're going to leave the children to their own devices and critical analysis of the property while we scoot over to the pool to see Marc about that I.V. drip of ice cold gin and tonics.

And p.s., we're taking tomorrow off to recover from our impending hangover using the good ol' hair of the dog method. Bye now.

Graham Edwards Double Whammy

SELLER: Graham and Lauren Edwards
LOCATION: Brewster Drive, Tarzana, CA
PRICE: $2,999,000
SIZE: 4,753 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 7 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Spectacular Spanish compound with profession detached recording studio!! Unbelievable privately gated estate with a beautiful custom main house, plus mother-in-law suite, detached guest unit, pool house with bath, den/office, separate detached gym and an amazing sound proof recording studio that has recorded some of the music's top stars! Entertainer's courtyard with pool, spa, outdoor fireplace and bbq center.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Due to unforeseen circumstances beyond our control, we have to be brief (and not particularly sassy) today. Sometimes that happens. And we do not want any lip or complaints...at least not until the children start paying our bills.

Anyhoo, Your Mama knows an old, cross-eyed ladee who lives in Tarzana, CA, a suburban Los Angeles location that might as well be the moon to many Angelenos including Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter who seldom venture into that part of the San Fernando Valley unless it's required we visit this malevolent and crotchety octogenarian which, of course, we avoid if we can.

However, many rich and famous folks who don't care to hassle with the hateful west side traffic or deal with the balloon lipped ladees in Beverly Hills and the roaming packs of paparazzi that wreak havoc all over the Sunset Strip head out to the western end of the San Fernando Valley where they can live in big houses in places like Calabasas and Tarzana and pick up pineapples at the supermarket while wearing dirty sweat pants without fear of appearing without their celebrity face in the pages of the gossip glossies.

Two of those people are super-successful songwriters and producers Graham Edwards and his lady-mate Lauren Christy Edwards who recently listed their hacienda style house in hot as Hades Tarzana, CA with an asking price of $2,999,000. Coincidentally, the Edwards' residence sits just a hop skip and a 1-minute drive from the Ol' Cross-eyed Coot's hideousity that she calls a house.

Together, Mister and Missus Edwards–and with a third dude named Scott Spock–form a music production team called The Matrix. The trio has worked with a long list of pop stars and musicians like Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Avril "The Spitter" Lavigne, Jason Mraz, Liz Phair and the unfortunately named rock band Korn which explains why the Edwards' digs includes a fully functional and sound-proofed recording studio.

Property records show the musical maestros snatched up their very private property in February of 2004 when they paid $2,600,000 for what property records show as a 4,753 square foot house with 4 bedrooms and 4 bathrooms. Listing information also shows the house as having four bedrooms but it also indicates there are seven poopers on the property. Presumably these three other poopers are spread around in some of the detached rooms that listing information shows include a guest house, gym and pool house.

The "U" shaped casa on Brewster Drive is located down a private and gated driveway that leads to a large motor court with a bulky (and some might say unsightly), front-facing five car garage. This isn't the most elegant façade for a three-million dollar mansion but we imagine all the rock stars and wanna be pop stars appreciate being able to park their Range Rovers and Escalades out of the blistering heat of the Southern California sunshine when they're making music with The Matrix people. Next to the motor court and opposite the entrance to the house is a pergola like colonnade and small grassy area that appears to have a few holes for putting practice, a feature that will appeal to all those people who think that chasing a little white ball around the lawn is recreation but is completely useless to Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter who prefer racket sports over stick sports.

The open plan main living spaces have saltillo tiled floors, high wood beamed ceilings and, while not our personal taste, a reasonably well done melange of eclectic furniture that looks like people might actually be comfortable living here.

The central courtyard, which for all intents and purposes is also the front yard and the backyard, centers around a small, slightly raised swimming pool and is ringed by covered verandas perfect for sipping booze in the shade. An outdoor living room area is tucked off to one side of the courtyard and features a peaked wood ceiling, a fireplace and a wet bar for whipping up cocktails in between dips in the pool. Other courtyard amenities include a spa and built in bbq center for cooking up ribs and late night romantic encounters.

As it turns out, Mister and Missus Graham also own the house next door which property records show they purchased in May of 2006 for $1,800,000. A little peeping around on the interwebs reveals that the couple have also listed that 4 bedroom and 3 bathroom quasi-Mediterranean style residence with an asking price of $1,999,000.

Records also show that in October of 2008 the pair plunked down $1,962,500 for a newly built quasi-Cape Cod style house with 5 bedrooms and 5.5 bathrooms on Carpenter Street in what listing information called Studio City but is technically the less desirable Valley Village area just north of Studio City.

Your Mama would bet our long boded bitches Linda and Beverly that if any of the children are looking for a very private two house compound the Edwards would be willing to cut a deal because better to sell both of these houses at once than sell one and have the other linger on the market indefinitely.