UPDATE: Kenny Chesney

Country music crooner Kenny Chesney is flipping out in Key West.

Oh mercy children, this Kenny Chesney fella has Your Mama's booze soaked brain spinning faster than a merry go round at one of them Mac-Donalds restaurants.

Late last night, after Your Mama was well into our fourth gin and tonic (and thinking about a fifth), we received a covert communique from a Key Westian (Key Westite?) named Squiggy the Squealer who whispered in Your Mama's big greedy ear that it looks like the historic house in on Caroline Street that's rumored and reported to have been purchased by Mister Chesney is back on the market just ten days after records show it sold for $5,700,000.

Yes puppies, back on the market. How does our man Squiggy know this? There's a brand new "For Sale" sign hanging on the front gate that was not there two days ago.

At first we were all tied up in knots trying to figure out what was going on. Then Squiggy the Squealer sent Your Mama another covert communique with a link over to a story on some radio station's website and they have all the juice.

Turns out Mister Chesney did buy the W. Hunt Harris House but has decided to sell it before even moving in with this explanation in a recently issued statement, "I may've been naive to think I could just go down to the Keys and disappear, because that was the idea. I wanted to find a place where I could just be, and thought I'd found it. But with all the buzz since we signed the papers, the last thing I want to do to someplace I love as much as Key West is change the dynamics, especially for the locals who have been so good to me, so, I'm stopping the insanity before it begins. The 'For Sale' sign is back up, and I'm just not going to be able to take possession of the house."

I wonder if that's what happened last year when the singing superstar scooped up a lovely house on Carbon Mesa Road in the hills above Malee-boo and just two days later put it back up for sale with an asking price $550,000 more than he paid?

UPDATE: Robbie Williams

Back in October of 2008, we chit chatted with a gossipy gal we call Babbling Babette who whispered to Your Mama that British pop star Robbie Williams was gearing up to buy a big ol' mansion in Beverly Park. Although Babbling Babette seldom steers us wrong in the celebrity real estate game and swears on her well stuffed cross your heart bra that Mister Williams was negotiating to purchase the 7 bedroom and 7 bathroom property, in the end he did not buy the hulking house which was listed at $23,995,000 (now listed at $19,995,000).

Now we know why he didn't proceed with the purchase. Reports are starting to surface that Mister Williams is headed back to his native U.K. where in December of 2008 he bought an 18th century country mansion on 71 acres in north Wiltshire that includes 7 bedrooms, a swimming pool, gym, sauna and perhaps most interestingly, a helicopter hangar.

It was Mister Williams' sister who let Mister Williams' geographical cat out of the bag when she told an interviewer that her brother was returning to Britain to because he, "loves British culture and the British people." She went on to say that although Mister Williams has enjoyed living in Los Angeles where the suns shines all the time, it's also a "pretty soulless place." Oh. Ouch!

Might it also be, Your Mama wonders, his desire to return home is at least in part because his attempt of making it big in the U.S. of A. didn't go quite as swimmingly as planned?

Anyoo, Mister Williams, owns several pricey properties in Los Angeles including a couple of parcels on Mulholland Drive where he famously built a private soccer pitch as well as his primary L.A. residence, a 10,681 square foot house (pictured above) which happens to be sugar borrowing distance from the recently robbed Paris Hilton in the guard gated Mulhulland Estates community.

Mister Williams' sister stated that the former boy bander turned solo singer was planning to keep his house in Los Angeles. We heard something different. Your Mama recently heard through the gossip grapevine that Mister Williams' people are quietly negotiating to sell the house to kinky haired and real estate agent suing rock star Slash. We can't confirm that children, so remember, at this point it's just idle chit chat and party gossip. However, when and if you see it written about in a few weeks without credit being given, remember puppies, you heard it here first.

Mister Williams' British property holdings once included a flat in Notting Hill, a 15th floor apartment in the Chelsea Harbour development and a country place in east Sussex, but to be honest children, Your Mama has no idea if he still owns any of these properties.

The Biggest Price Chop Ever?

SELLER: Amit Ben-Haim
LOCATION: 15 Central Park West, New York, NY
PRICE: $47,500,000
SIZE: 5,276 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 5.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Step into your private landing on the 40th floor of New York's most sought after new condominium residence. Enjoy completely unobstructed views over Central Park West and the Hudson River. All major rooms have 14 foot ceilings. Masterful layouts by Robert A.M. Stern Architects. 5,276 square feet. Four bedrooms, five and one-half baths. Ground floor suite: 1,222 square feet with private street access ideal for owner staff offices. An extraordinary offering.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: If the children will put on their thinking caps and dig deep into the recesses of their mind they might recall all the rumors and reports from October of '08 about Madonna's post-dee-vorce boy toy Alex "A-Rod" Rodriguez looking to buy an $80,000,000 penthouse at the super swank Indiana limestone clad 15 Central Park West building in New York City.

Remember all that nonsense? Not only was there a lot of whispering and speculating about the recently unhitched Mister Rodriguez's interest in the 40th floor condominium, there was a lot of (justifiable) shock and awe regarding the hair raising $80,000,000 price tag.

What was most puzzling and perplexing to Your Mama about the whole thing was not whether Mister Rodriguez could actually afford an eighty million clam condo, but rather that the seller–who the New York Times identified as a London based investor named Amit Ben-Haim–listed the four bedroom spread at nearly 4 times the $21,500,000 they paid for the place in April of 2008, just two months earlier. Two months!

It will be no surprise that Mister Rodriguez did not buy the apartment.

Soon after all that brouhaha and gossip about Mister Rodriguez, the owner took the apartment off the market. Until now. Thanks to the fine sleuthing of Natalie Attired, Your Mama has learned that the apartment that was once one of the highest priced listings in New York City has returned to the market with a serious karate chop to the asking price. Listing information now shows a price of $47,500,000. That's right, $47,500,000.

A few gleeful flicks of the well worn beads on our bejeweled abacus and we see that the sellers have chopped a mind melting $32,500,000 off the price. Now that children, has to be the largest single price chop ever, right?

The apartment measures 5,276 square feet, offers a private elevator landing and large public rooms with expensive views over Central Park. The private quarters include a 30 foot long kitchen/family room, 4 bedrooms and 5.5 windowless bathrooms including a master suite with two entrances, two walk in closets, two giant windows looking over Central Park and, natch, two private poopers, one of which has a bee-day for the all the people who like to have their naughty bits be sparkling clean at all times.

Forty seven and some million big ones not only buys you the apartment but also a 1,222 square foot ground floor suite where the Richie Rich owners can park their live in staff and still maintain a modicum of privacy. Maintenance and taxes will run a sizable but not unheard of $7,506 per month.

Other notable buyers in the Robert A.M. Stern designed complex include Sting and Trudy Styler, Denzel Washington, Norman Lear, writer John Ridley, NASCAR honcho Jeff Gordon, sportscaster Bob Costas and a slew of Wall Street types and big bizness barons including Goldman Sach's Lloyd Blankfein and Abigail Wexner, wife of billionaire Les Wexner who recently and quietly heaved their gigantic Fifth Avenue pied a terre on to the market with a $60,000,000 asking price.

Tidbits and Whispers

1.
Have the children seen the myriad of reports about how former Lehman Brothers CEO Dick Fuld, who reportedly earned close to $40,000,000 in both 2006 and 2007, sold his Jupiter Island, FL hideaway to his wife Kathy in November of 2007 for just $100? That's right chickens, one hundred clams.

Well, we've read all those reports too and the whole thing just makes Your Mama want to puke.

Speculation by many is that the property ownership transfer was an effort by Mister Fuld to protect his ass-ets should irate shareholders and creditors who lost billions in the collapse of Lehman Brothers go after his considerable personal wealth with a furious flurry of lawsuits.

Their Jupiter Island hideaway, for which Mister and Missus Fuld jointly forked over $13,750,000 in March of 2004, isn't the only ass-et the Fuld family is apparently looking to protect and/or liquidate. Just days (Days children! Days!) after Lehman Brothers filed for bankruptcy, the modern art collecting Missus Fuld was rumored to have put approximately $20,000,000 worth of artwork up for sale at Christies that included works by big shit abstract expressionists like Arshile Gorky, Willem de Kooning, Agnes Martin and Barnett Newman. Was the timing just coincidence? Could be. You decide.

Although the demise of Lehman Brothers sucked tens of billions of dollars out of the economy, property records show he and his wife Kathy still own several excruciatingly lavish and expensive to maintain properties including an 11+ acre spread in the hedge fund heaven that is Greenwich, CT (pictured above), a 6,200 square foot fixer upper on Manhattan's posh Park Avenue for which they paid a knee buckling $21,000,000 in March of 2007, at least one property in Ketchum, Idaho near the Sun Valley ski resort, and another just outside of a small town called Cornwall in Vermont. And that's just what Your Mama came up with after poking around property records for less than five minutes.

Your Mama is all kinds of indignant and spitting mad now and we see a fat nerve pill in our early morning future.

2.
All sorts rumors and reports are starting to surface and swirl about that Lauren Conrad gurl from The Hills moving out of her house on N. Orange Grove Avenue in Los Angeles and into a high rise condo along the Wilshire Corridor in Westwood. Your Mama has heard the rumor (rumor children, RUMOR!) that Miss Conrad and roommate–whose name we don't know or care to know–are moving out because they were having a lot of conflict with the neighbors who were hissy fitting about all the unwanted activity on the block that resulted from filming at the house.

Holy Mary Mother of God! Who cares?

Isn't this gurl's Warholian 15 minutes up yet?

3.
You're gonna love this one children. We sure did. Your Mama hears from Nelly Knowsitall that whistle stop wonder Mariah Carey is not the only high maintenance showbiz dee-vah considering shacking up in the San Fernando Valley. Can y'all guess who it is?

Are you ready? Get ready to whoop, holler and gasp for air...

It's Jennifer Lopez.

Can. You. Stand. It?

Miss Knowsitall whispered in Your Mama's big ear that the La Lopez and entourage recently toured several large and lavish homes in the 10,000 square foot range. Well of course she did. Beehawtcha cain't be living up with that wild eyed huzband and two kids in any kind of house smaller than a damn boo-teek hotel.

Miz Lopez and her huzband are making all sorts of real estate news lately as they've recently bought the neighboring property to their Brookville, NY estate and, as everyone surely knows by now, Mister and Missus Lopez also have their Bel Air mini-compound on the market with an $8,500,000 asking price.

4.
It was also recently whispered in Your Mama's big ear by someone who would know that a couple of big name famous folks (1 male and 1 Oscar nominated female, who are not a couple) have been seen peeping properties in the $3-5,000,000 range in the star studded Los Feliz area of Los Angeles. More details to come when we know more.

Does Kenny Chesney Have Island Fever?

BUYER: Kenny Chesney
LOCATION: Caroline Street, Key West, FL
PRICE: $5,700,000
SIZE: 6,888 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 7 full and 1 half bathroom
DESCRIPTION: ...Stately and elegant, the 5 bedroom, seven and one-half bath house has high peaked Gothic style roof over classical Revival portico and four graciously arched bays. The beautiful arched front door is distinctive and rare in Key West...Large rooms, 13' ceilings, elegant moldings and hardware, formal living and dining rooms, custom designed 1500 bottle wine room, an outstanding kitchen equipped with all gourmet appliances, Carrara marble counter tops and in-kitchen dining.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Okay babies, Your Mama is going to pass along some unsubstantiated celebrity real estate gossip here. We don't normally do this sort of thing, but besides the not so surprising news that security conscious stay at home mommy Jennifer Lopez and her frighteningly skinny salsa singer huzband Marc Anthony bought the house next door to their Brookville, NY estate, the pickins are somewhat slim this morning. So we're going with what we got and we ask that the children keep in mind this information is not yet verified with property records and suggest that if you're going to go around trying to impress your friends with all your celebrity real estate knowledge you best qualify this one as rumor. You got that children? Rue-mer. At least for now. Now then...

Although Kenny Chesney, the diminutive country music crooning superstar, has yet to unload the seven and some million dollar property he bought last year in Malee-boo, CA and just two days later flipped back on the market with a stunning $550,000 increase over what he paid, Your Mama hears from Fanny the Floridian (among others) that the award winning singer/songwriter recently closed on an historic house in Key West, Florida. Your Mama's tipsters all swear on their little sisters' navel rings that Mister Chesney purchased a lavishly renovated property on Caroline Street that is generally referred to as the W. Hunt Harris House. We aren't the only folks who think this neither.

However, before we get to discussing the big ol' house down in Margaritaville, Your Mama has a bone to pick with Mister Chesney regarding his incessant hat wearing. Listen buddy, we all know yer bald under that thing. And despite your (and your handlers) misgivings about it, there ain't nuthin' wrong with bald. In fact, bald can be hot. It's the pretending yer not bald that's not so hot. (Just so y'all know, we are not being defensive due to any follicular issues on our part. Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter both have full heads of hair.)

Anyhoo, property records Your Mama accessed do show that the house in question did indeed transfer ownership in mid-January, 2008. Records show the previous owners received $5,700,000 from the new owner. That's a lot of money for an island hideaway but it's not nearly the $6,495,000 listing information shows the sellers were asking for the property.

Listing information shows the fully renovated and restored W. Hunt Harris House measures 6,888 square feet and includes five bedrooms and 7.5 bathrooms. For those not schooled on the historical who's who of Key West (and why would you be?), back in the late 1800s Mister Hunt Harris married into one of the first and most prominent families to settle in Key West and proceeded to build himself house which was completed in 1898. At least that's the 411 on Mister Hunt that appears in the property's listing.

The front façade somehow manages to remain dignified even though it is a thorough melange of Southern Antebellum, Greek Revival and Gothic architectural styles mixed with classic Key West features like the arched front door that leads to a narrow buttercup yellow entrance hall.

The main floor, with stately 13 foot ceilings, includes a formal living room that due to its current shockingly bright coral colored paint job screams, "Look at me! NO! ME! Not the dining room, ME!" Other punishable decorative offenses in the living room include upsetting gold colored swagged curtains, a couple of floral printed swooping settees and a cheap-ass looking ceiling fan. Don't nobody misunderstand Your Mama here because we think this house is a gorgeous example of modern day Key West living–if you're a couple of middle aged, empty nesting, heterosexual multi-millionaires–and we totally respect the sellers sensitive and comprehensive restoration of the historic house, but that retina burning coral colored living room set up has got to go.

The dining room, painted the palest shade of baby blue Your Mama has ever seen, features a glittery crystal chandelier and an unfortunately off-center fireplace. Listing information reveals the adjacent wine room holds 1,500 bottles of booze and has its own generator ensuring that when a hurricane takes the power out (and you know it will), the vino stays at a perfect temperature.

The kitchen is large enough for two cookers to maneuver comfortably, has a mix of Carrara marble and wood counter tops which may or may not be teak. Naturally it's nearly impossible for Your Mama look past the monolithic and menacing pot rack without cringing but when we do we spy something for more upsetting than a pot rack. That would be, of course, that stoopid stuffed parrot hanging in the window. Have mercy.

Beyond the kitchen is a breakfast area as well as a window wrapped family room with shiny wood floors, a truckload of white furniture and few more of the same cheap looking ceiling fans we found in the living room. Okay, what's with the cheap looking ceiling fans? We recognize that fans are fantastic for moving the hoo-mid Key West air around and it's obvious this place was not done over on a dime, so can someone please explain these uglee ass fans that look like someone bought them in bulk at a Home Despot clearance sale?

Located on the second floor of the main house, the master bedroom features a large bedroom with a coal burning fireplace (coal?) and some kinda crazy fabric treatment behind the bed, a separate dressing room, a mini-kitchen for late night ice cream snacks, a private balcony that runs the width of the house and is only accessible through the master bedroom and a Carrara marble clad bathroom that successfully manages to merge Old World with new fangled and, perhaps best of all, has a shower built for two.

A guest suite completes the second floor and offers a sitting room, steam shower, walk in closet and private balcony. All that sounds perfectly lovely, but Your Mama fears that with a dee-luxe guest room like guests will never pack up their toiletries and leave. The third floor provides an office area and two more bedrooms with en suite terlits.

The back yard, lush with verdant and steroidal tropical greenery, includes a 42 foot long swimming pool with brick terracing and a commodious wood floored pavilion with a high peaked ceiling that is set up for outdoor entertaining and late afternoon tabloid reading. The guest house/pool cabana, located at the far end of the swimming pool, has been built to withstand a category 5 hurricane, so you know where Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter would be holed up with our menagerie when the wind starts a-blowing. The lower floor of the cabana thing is comprised of a gym space with retractable glass walls where Mister Chesney can do his Bikram yoga in the shaded but open air, an attached full bathroom and an outdoor shower (love that!), custom cabinetry with built in desk and a washer and dryer which means, of course, that no stinky work out wear ever need enter the main house. Upstairs, the fifth bedroom suite offers over night guests (or staff) a morning kitchen, entertainment area (whatever that means) and a private balcony.

As far as we know, Mister Chesney continues to make his primary home in a big Cape Cod style mansion that sits on a 48 and some acre farm in Franklin, TN and which records show he picked up in September of 2003 for $2,500,000. And, of course, there's also that house on Carbon Mesa Road in Malee-boo which he was unable to sell last year and which records show he still owns and appears to have been taken off the open market.

Sidney Ponson Lists Fort Lauderdale Mansion

SELLER: Sidney Ponson
LOCATION: Delmar Place, Fort Lauderdale, FL
PRICE: $4,950,000
SIZE: 6,467 square feet, 6 bedrooms, 7 full and 3 half bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Incredible 3-story 6br/7ba+3 half bath estate located 1 house from Point w/ great views of Intracoastal & Las Olas Bridge...Media room. Elevator. Fully furnished. 100' water dock.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: When we recently heard from Our Man in Florida who whispered in our big ear that some person named Sidney Ponson listed his Fort Lauderdale mansion with an asking price of $4,950,000, Your Mama had no idea who he is. None. Not one.

A few clicks on our long suffering keyboard and a quick scan across the internets revealed that the Aruban born Mister Ponson is a professional pitcher of baseballs, which pretty much explains why Your Mama did not recognize his name because, he truth is, Your Mama barely knows the difference between a baseball and a football. And you know what? We like it that way, we do not want to hear about our proud ignorance regarding these things.

Anyhoo, according to the information we pulled up on the interweb, Mister Ponson has migrated from team to team to team over the last 10 or so years and most recently signed on with the New York Yankees, a team for which he previously bandied the baseball. By all accounts Mister Ponson can really hurl a baseball but he's apparently also got a bit of a reputation as a hard living troublemaker who earned himself a couple of DUIs back in 2005 and dropped charges for assaulting an Aruban judge who was presiding over a complaint about Mister Ponson's alleged (mis)handling of a powerboat.

Property records show that Mister Ponson picked up his water front property on Delmar Place in Fort Lauderdale, FL in July of 2004 when he forked over $3,750,000 for the 6,467 square foot residence. Listing information indicates the three story house has six bedrooms and 7 full and 3 half bathrooms which means the unmarried Mister Ponson has got 10 damn terlits. Your Mama would bet our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly that his minimum wage house gurl hates him.

Listing information shows the house was all did up by some well known ladee decorator Your Mama has never heard of who filled the place with a lot of beige and brown things. Notable amenities that appear in the listing include a soaring entrance hall that looks more like some damn hotel in Moscow than a private home and a marble floored living room with a "majestic fireplace," whatever that is, and a "detailed ceiling," whatever that is. A library/study offers floor to ceiling custom bookshelves that currently hold more tchotchkes and wine bottles than books, and the gore-may kitchen features the sort of carved cabinetry and granite counter tops that well to do people who drop big bucks on over-sized faux Tuscan style mcmansions seem to favor.

In addition to the family room, which listing information reveals has a custom entertainment system where Your Mama imagines a tee-vee the size of a damn Hummer has been installed, the Ponson pad also offers a private home theater with wall to wall brown leather chairs, vaguely Art Deco-ish torchère style sconces and a screen that appears to drop down out of the ceiling.

The not particularly masculine looking master bedroom has an acre of light beige carpeting, a sitting area with a fireplace and a brocade and fringe settee, dual closets, a big ol' soaking tub, steam shower, a vanity counter and 2 water closets so the owners can do their morning dirty bizness concurrently.

Some of the more interesting features of the house, according to listing information, would be the hidden wine closet tucked under the staircase, the two laundry rooms≠1 up and 1 down–which would surely make our dictatorial house gurl Svetlana crack a rare smile, and last but not least, a panic room, a high-cost feature of increasing numbers of paranoid rich people.

Listing information also indicates the house has been outfitted with satellite tee-vee, a surround sound system, internet connections, and a private security system which can all be manipulated with the Smart House control.

Outdoor recreation facilities include a large tiled terrace on the roof above the second floor where one can stare across the Intracoastal to the Las Olas Bridge, a heated swimming pool and spa with adjacent cabana (with bathroom), an outdoor kitchen and a 100 foot long dock for parking the boat.

Your Mama certainly does not know why Mister Ponson would choose to sell his brown and beige designer done digs. Maybe he's tired of all the vacationing gays that flock to Fort Lauderdale to over tan themselves in very, very small bathing suits that leave little or nothing to the imagination. We tease. Your Mama knows Fort Lauderdale has more to offer residents and visitors than countless gay friendly and clothing optional resorts. We just don't know what those things are.

Cheryl Ladd and Brian Russell List Santa Ynez Property

SELLERS: Cheryl Ladd and Brian Russell
LOCATION: Roblar Avenue, Santa Ynez, CA
PRICE: $5,795,000
SIZE: approx. 7,000 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 4 full and 1 half bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: ...Exquisite yet comfortable European inspired country estate on 22 acres with panoramic views of the entire Santa Ynez Valley. This thoughtfully designed and appointed manor features soaring ceilings, grand spaciousness and an open floor plan ideal for formal or casual living.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Before Drew Barrymore, Cameron Diaz and Lucy Liu were taking orders on the big screen from a mysterious man named Charlie there was a ladee named Cheryl Ladd who worked her stuff as the high kicking, gun toting and criminal chasing Kris Monroe on the original and iconic boob-toob program Charlie's Angels.

Since her salad days on Charlie's Angels back in the late 1970s and early 1980s, Miz Ladd has (among other endeavors) made some records, written a couple of books, hoofed it on Broadway, acted as the spokesperson for some menopause public service thing, advocated for the protection of children, and spent 5 years working her stuff on the recently axed tee-vee drama Las Vegas.

She also left the glitz and glamour of Hollywood and moved to the hoity toity hinterlands of the Santa Ynez, CA where she and her music producer huzband Brian Russell have spent the last 15+ years hunkered down in a vaguely neo-classical Italian country house like mansion that thanks to a source we'll call Vlad the Revealer Your Mama has learned they recently put on the market with an asking price of $5,795,000.

Property records show the couple picked up their 22.5 acre parcel way back in 1989 for just $459,000. Lawhd have mercy children, remember back when half a million clams really bought some real estate and not some crappy studio apartment in Queens or a tract house out in a newly created suburb of Los Angeles that's 102 miles from the office?

Anyhoo, presumably the couple spent the next several years designing and building their 7,000+ square foot house which is accessed up a long Oak tree lined private road that leads to a large gravel motor court with a fountain and a slew of potted Olive trees. Four narrow Cyprus trees flank the front door which opens to a large sky-lit entrance hall. On one side sits a grand piano and on the other a small table and chairs–who would actually sit there, we don't know–and a large and deeply upsetting painting of pears on the other. It has been quite a some time since Your Mama has run across the sorts of pear paintings that seem to pop up in celebrity owned homes in alarming numbers and we really wish it had been longer because while clearly rich and famous people love them, we just do not get the appeal of pear paintings as art regardless of how realistically they are painted.

Listing information shows the single floor residence includes four bedrooms, each with a private pooper, and another half bathroom for guests. The hilltop property offers panoramic views of the Santa Ynez Valley, which is, of course, the same neck of comely California scrub land north of Santa Barbara where notorious property princess Ellen Degeneres has owned several large ranch properties and where, all the children surely recall, Michael Jackson shacked up in an amusement park masquerading as a house called Neverland before he fled the area in the aftermath of an embarrassing child molestation trial.

Other amenities according to listing information and photos is a formal living room with very high ceilings, a wood burning fireplace and a lot of dignified but very ordinary looking beige furniture sitting on spotless beige wall to wall carpeting. The large wood floored dining features high wood beamed ceiling and stone walls which Your Mama hopes are real stone and not some nutty paint treatment meant to look like stacked stones.

Listing information reveals the gore-may kitchen is open to a large family room and dining area that despite the lack of a tee-vee looks like a well conceived and comfortably decorated room with plush velvet sofas, deliciously worn leather chairs and ottomans, a fireplace for warming the tootsies and if the children look really close, you'll note the mesmerizing views out the many large paned windows.

At the rear of the house is a covered veranda anchored by four fat and gorgeously groomed ivy covered pillars. For the most part, the design and day-core of the Ladd-Russell residence is not how Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter would choose to spend five and some million clams, but we are luh-ving those ivy wrapped pillars and can easily imagine being happily splayed out on those chaise lounges wrapped in a cashmere throw from Hermes sipping gin and tonics and watching the sun go down over the rolling hills of the Santa Ynez Valley. That, as one of Your Mama's friends we no longer talk to used to incessantly say, would not suck.

While the house is surrounded by lawns large enough to have several booze fueled and concurrent croquet tournaments, apparently Miz Ladd and Mister Russell don't care for tennis, swimming or the horsies because, oddly and despite it's 22 acres, the property does not have a swimming pool, tennis court or stabling facilities. Pity.

Coupla Quick Items To Start the Week Off Right

Listen babies, Your Mama has a list of properties to discuss this week but before we get rolling on that we're going to cut in to our scheduled programming in order to get a couple of joo-see celebrity real estate tidbits off our desk...

1.
Hold on to your britches children because Oscar nominated power pair Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are back in the celebrity real estate gossip columns. Just last week the world learned that the unmarried parents of 40 or 50 multicultural children, who have spent the last year or so traipsing around Europe like a band of very rich gypsies, are getting ready to wing their way back to the U-nited States of America and settle down in a water front monster mansion on the Gold Coast of Long Island in quietly swank Lloyd Neck, NY.

Naturally, these dedicated nomads won't be staying in Lloyd Neck long enough to enroll their 72 children in the local schools. They'll reportedly only be in residence long enough for Miss Jolie to film her next cinematic endeavor, Edwin A. Salt, a film which Your Mama will not likely pay thirteen bucks to see in a movie theater.

When the couple's coterie of personal assistants pack up their well traveled Louis Vuitton cases and load up their multi-culti clan into the family bus and pull out of Lloyd Neck, they reportedly won't be headed back to the shores of Malee-boo where Mister Pitt has owned a spectacular oceanfront estate since about the time he traded in his former wifey Jennifer Aniston to live in sin, make babies with and adopt a small army of foreign children with notorious man (and woman) eater Angelina Jolie.

According to a gal named Courtney Nazlett, who pens The Scoop column for folks at MSNBC, Mister Pitt is planning on putting the modern cliff hanger of a house on the market.

Can the children hear the gasps of shock and awe heard around the world? Your Mama sho can.

Bookies are taking bets on which of the family's many properties they'll settle in next, but word on the celebrity real estate street is that the Jolie-Pitt clan are heading back to Chateau Miraval, the secluded estate in the French countryside where they shacked up after Miss Jolie pushed out those cute twins last year.

2.
Pop star Mariah Carey and her man mate Nick Cannon are rumored and reported to be peeping around at high priced properties in some of the better (and not so better) zip codes of Los Angeles including a 7,000+ square foot house in Studio City that happens to be just around the corner from Alex Trebek's historic spread and walking distance to George Clooney's super private pad.

Although we know there are many swank and expensive areas in the San Fernando Valley where all kinds of rich and famous folks bed down, Your Mama would not have imagined Mariah shacking up in The Valley. If we we're Miss Mariah's real estate agent, and of course we are not, I'd haul her skin tight jean wearing boo-tay immediately over to Jennifer's Lopez's $8,500,000 crib in Bel Air because not only is it celebrity worthy, she could probably save a few pennies on installing security systems because you know that place is already locked down like Fort damn Knox.

Although Your Mama is not a big fan of the whistle stop wonder's ear piercing warbling and we certainly don't care for her trademark belly baring outfits only a streetwalker could love, the high end real estate market in Los Angeles could really use an exuberantly rich gal like Miss Moneybags Mariah running around in a chauffeured Yukon flinging money around like there was no damn recession affecting all the less financially fortunate.

Miss Mariah's current real estate holdings include a giant triplex apartment in the TriBeCa area of New York City which was done up and decorated by Prince of Chintz Mario Buatta and where she reportedly keeps Marilyn Monroe's old piano and has a Hello Kitty themed bathroom, a decorative situation which Your Mama knows deep in our soul is a very, very bad idea. Miss Mariah recently added to her property portfolio when she purchased a compound down on a slim sliver of land in the Bahamas called Windermere Island. In the past, the scale sliding songstress has spent vast amounts of moolah leasing posh properties in Aspen and The Hamptons, but as of today Your Mama is not aware of Miss Moneybags Mariah fishing out her diamond encrusted checkbook to purchase any properties in those locations.

3. Oh dear. Here we go again. Beat up and beleagured Los Angeles real estate agent Josh Flagg, whom the children will recall is the unkempt boozy looking dude from the most recent season of Million Dollar Listing, is back in the news.

Last year, Mister Flagg was arrested for allegedly stealing pricey paintings out of a posh property or two in which he represented the sellers. After heaps and hordes of bad press, the L.A. District Attorney dropped the charges leaving Mister Flagg free to return to pushing properties in the Platinum Triangle with his held held high.

His relief over the dropped charges was short lived, however, because according to a new report on gossip juggernaut TMZ—who seems to be gunning halaciously hard for the guy—Mister Flagg is being sued by the estate of a dead ladee named Marcia Israel for the alleged "wrongful taking of personal property." Oh my.

The estate of Miz Israel is alleging the young Mister Flagg obtained several high value paintings and Jade sculptures that mysteriously disappeared from Miz Israel's Sunset Boulevard mansion after her death and during a period of time Miz Israel's huzband was staying on the property. Miz Israel, a noted L.A. philanthropist who went to meet the big garmento in the sky back in the summer of 2004, was the founder of a successful chain of west coast retail stores Your Mama has never heard of called Judy's.

According to TMZ, a ballsy and unnamed private investigator claims to have taken a few snaps of the missing artworks through the window of Mister Flagg's Beverly Hills home. That's right children, through the damn window!

Mister Flagg's attorneys have reportedly answered back by saying that the estate of Miz Israel has no case against Mister Flagg because the statute of limitations has run out. Huh? Your Mama ain't no kind of lawyer and we are certainly in no position to act as a judge, but that sounds sort of, uhm, odd, don't it?

Now children, we are not defending Mister Flagg because we find him to have a less that lovely and sorta smarmy disposition (at least he did on the tee-vee), but before anyone jumps to conclusions or convicts Mister Flagg in the court of their own mind, let's remember that previous charges against him for similar allegations were dropped. Sometimes where there is smoke there is fire, and sometimes there is just smoke.

Interestingly, Your Mama was contacted last week by a person we'll call Peeping Tom who claimed to have "a hot one" on Mister Flagg but never revealed the details or even the nature of his gossip.

4.
Now that she's finally managed to sell off her house in Malee-boo's Serra Retreat, Your Mama gets an unusually high number of requests regarding the real estate whereabouts of Aussie icon Olivia Newton John. Your Mama freely confesses that although we agree she looked marvelous in shiny leotard back in the 1980s, we are not nearly as interested in Miss Newton John's current location as many of the children seem to be. However, we do like to keep the children pacified, so....

Thanks to several convert communiques by several interested parties including one this morning from a gal we'll call Mary K. Mart, it's our understanding that Miz Newton John recently decamped to the Jupiter, FL area where she's shacking up with her herb pusher huzband John Easterling who owns a 3 bedroom and 3.5 bathroom house in the gated community surrounding the Turtle Creek (golf) Club which, as it turns out, is currently listed for sale at $850,000.

That's all we know folks. And for the record, we do not know–so don't bother to ask–if Missus Easterling is living in the above mentioned house or some other place.

Now then, back to our regularly scheduled programming.

Chelsea and Ted Living In Sin in Marina del Rey

BUYERS: Chelsea Handler and Ted Harbert
LOCATION: Marina Pointe Drive, Marina del Rey, CA
PRICE: $3,700,000
SIZE: 3,319 square feet, 3-4 bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: This morning we awoke to a covert communication from the always helpful Aerial Dave who tipped us off to a cushy condominium purchase by celebrity skewering and deliciously mean comedy queen Chelsea Handler (who hosts the wild and wooly Chelsea Lately program on the E! channel) and her much older tee-vee executive man-beau Ted Harbert who happens to be the current president and CEO of telecommunications juggernaut Comcast Group (and Miss Handler's de facto boss). So, you know children, he's bringing home a big man's salary.

Anyhoo, according to property records Your Mama accessed, back in November of 2008 Miss Handler and Mister Harbert scooped up a penthouse condominium at the not so long ago completed Azzurre building in Marina del Rey, CA. Records show the couple forked over an impressive $3,700,000 for the 3,319 square foot condo where the unmarried couple plans to, apparently, live in sin.

Information and floor plans we located on the internets show the unit includes 3-4 bedrooms (including one with a private balcony), 3.5 bathrooms, a bowling alley like entrance hall, an open plan living, dining and kitchen area wrapped in floor to ceiling glass walls that open to a wrap around balcony and views over the boat basin and toward the Pacific Ocean which glistens like gold at sunset.

Each of the two principle secondary bedrooms, located in a wing of their own for maximum privacy, have commodious walk in closets, lovely views of the harbor and ocean and private, windowless poopers. We know them poopers probably have industrial strength air filters, but Your Mama still worries about and looks crossways at bathrooms without natural ventilation.

Besides sharing a wall with the only wall a nice gay decorator could put an entertainment unit in the living room, the master bedroom offers some wonderful amenities such a gorgeous views, an oddly shaped 16 foot long walk in closet, and a good sized bathroom with a nook for the terlit and bidet which–for those who think it's a water fountain–is actually used for keeping the naughty bits clean. The shower looks large enough to comfortably fit Mister Harbert, Miss Handler and, should they be into something a little more creative in the bowmchickabowbow department, her little nugget sidekick Chewy.

Although we do not find any previous property ownership by Miss Handler, this is far from the only property owned by Mister Harbert. In fact it's not even the only condo that Mister Harbert owns at the Azzurre. In addition to a 9,392 square foot house on bizzy Sunset Boolayvard in the Pacific Palisades, CA, another house in Ketchum, ID near the Sun Valley ski resort he also owns an 8th floor unit at the Azzurre that records show he purchased in August of 2006 for $2,100,000 and currently has on the market with an asking price of $2,099,000. It does not require our bejeweled abacus to figure out that Mister Harbert is going to lose a couple hundred grand on that transaction once the bank and real estate fees are paid.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie on the Move. Again.

Ooo-wee children. Your Mama would bet our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly that pop star/movie star turned stay at home mommy Jennifer Lopez is all kinds of pissed because, until now, she's been the reigning queen of high maintenance a-list celebs living on the natty and nabobish North Shore of Long Island. That's right puppies, Missus Mark Anthony's real estate star is about to be eclipsed by the pathologically peripatetic Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie who are rumored to be moving their ever expanding multi-culti clan to her neck of the woods for a few months while the Missus Pitt shoots her next film Edwin A. Salt in the area.

Rumors and reports are popping up all over the damn place that the itchy footed family who have been living an expat life in France and Germany the last year or so is headed back to the U-nited States of America where they're said to have leased Sassafras, a tremendous Tudor style pile on 48 waterfront acres in fancy schmancy Lloyd Neck, NY.

The sprawling estate abuts Caumsett State Park which, thanks to The Social Butterfly we've learned, was once the vast estate of newspaperman and department store scion Marshall Field III. The two story main house is said to measure in at a boo-teek hotel sized 22,000 square feet and includes 8 bedrooms. According to the good people at Luxist, there is also a six bedroom guest house and a staff house with another 11 bedrooms. That should be just enough space for the Jolie-Pitts, their 49 children and their ubiquitous entourage of tutors, nannies, personal assistants, ego strokers and butt wipers, right?

With 25 bedrooms and well over 25,000 square feet of interior space, Your Mama does not even want to know the number of terlits on the property lest we start feeling powerful sorry for the sad minimum wage gurl who spends her 40 hours a week with a terlit brush in one hand a can of Comet in the other. Have mercy.

Other dee-luxe amenities of Sassafras include a private cove with a private dock, a long stretch of private beach, not just one, but two helipads, a gigantic swimming pool with several pavilions surrounding it, a couple of ponds, a a secluded tennis court, a couple of large greenhouses, and enough lawn for the Jolie-Pitt clan to host a damn three ring circus. Oh wait, they are a three ring circus.

Sassafras was previously on the market where it lingered for a number of years with a sky high asking price of $60,000,000. No babies, that is not a mistake...that's sixy million clams.

Now listen to Your Mama here children because we know of what we speak. All those filthy rich blue bloods in Lloyd Neck would sooner slice off your mother's titties than have you roaming the streets and hovering around the secured gates of Sassafras. At the very least they will have the po-po on your peeping pooper faster than you can say the names of all 37 of the Jolie-Pitt children. And you can bet there will be some scary looking guards with pistols and God only knows what else standing at the end of the driveway to deter any fools who dare venture that far out into the genteel wilds of Lloyd Neck. Besides, there ain't nuthin' to see from the street so save yerself the gas money and stay home.

And one more word of unsolicited advice from Your Mama for Mister and Missus Jolie-Pitt: Settle down hunnies. We know you're bizzy as beavers with your Academy Award nominated careers and we know you get hassled and harrassed everywhere you go. However, did you ever stop to think that that traveling United Nations sideshow you got going on sorta creates its own whirlwind of chaos and publicity? Maybe, just maybe, iffin you would put down some real damn residential roots and take the time to become an active part of just one community, you might find that soon enough people will leave you alone to mow your lawn and clean your pool in peace. Just a thought.

photo: Luxist

Matt Sorum Moves On

SELLER: Matt Sorum
LOCATION: N. Doheny Drive, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $2,975,000
SIZE: 2,395 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: ...Remodeled & beautifully updated w/ maple hardwood floors, 3 crushed glass fp, security & Control4 ent. system. The open floor plan incl. 3 br & 2.5 ba, gym, kitchen w/ custom granite & professional stainless steel appliances, great room & big living room. The whole home opens up w/ hi cathedral ceilings & out thru French doors to lush landscape & a resort like pool area w/ an outdoor kitchen, hiking trail with vu, spa w/ vu, big pool & more!

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Last night, while trying to ignore the Dr. Cooter who wanted to yammer about the recent presidential inauguration all night, Your Mama perused all the new listings in the Los Angeles area and several banged the bells our our celebrity real estate intuition including this house which, as it turns out, is being offered for sale by ex-Guns and Roses and current Velvet Revolver drummer Matt Sorum with an asking price of $2,975,000.

Back in 1997 Mister Sorum was reportedly given the heave-ho from Guns and Roses by the always volatile front man Axl Rose for defending ousted gee-tarist Slash (whom Your Mama hears–but can not confirm–is negotiating to purchase the mansion of a pop star who is not Britney Spears). Mister Sorum eventually reconciled with the corn rowed and not aging particularly gracefully Axl Rose, but after being booted from G&R, Mister Sorum, a man who looks damn good for a hard livin' rock star who's pushing up on 50, went on to beat the goat skin and crash the cymbals for legendary rock band The Cult and years later joined the currently on indefinite hiatus supergroup Velvet Revolver.

If Mister Sorum's myspace page did not indicate that he is in a relationship with a blond shorty named Ace, we wouldn't even consider entering his house without first downing a nerve pill and donning a hazmat suit, you know what we're saying? After all, the man is a rock star and has free and easy access to all sorts of skanky cling-ons looking to put another notch in their lipstick case. However, as it turns out Mister Sorum appears to be a one woman man and his crib looks clean as a whistle and appears to be as germ free as a house can be.

Property records show Mister Sorum scooped up his N. Doheny Drive digs only in September of 2006 for $2,575,000. What foolishness would possess the stick wielding wild man to sell the place at the very moment the Los Angeles real estate market is headed down the proverbial terlit is beyond Your Mama's comprehension. It cain't be the money. Or it better not be money or he should fire his bizness people as unceremoniously as Mister Rose fired him.

Anyhoo, whatever the reason(s), listing information for Mister Sorum's Doheny Estates residence shows the remodeled ranch style house measures in a modest for a famous person 2,395 square feet and includes 4 bedrooms and 2.5 bathrooms.

Other features of the open plan pad include a simply but thoughtfully furnished living/dining room with a sloping ceiling, shiny espresso colored wood floors, a black baby grand, a monolithic stacked stone fireplace that Your Mama rather adores, and a vintage Verner Panton capiz shell chandelier hangs (at a proper height, the children will note) over the small round espresso colored dining room table.

The updated and upgraded kitchen has been did over with chocolate brown walls, a thick slab of light colored flecked granite laid on simple white cabinetry, stainless steel appliances, of course, and some serious mood lighting. A adjacent family room continues the dim and moody vibe with a sloping ceiling and a behemoth brown sectional sofa that easily seats six facing the de rigueur flat screen boob-toob mounted above a second fireplace that listing information indicates has been fitted with crushed glass in the firebox, a decorative artifice that Your Mama never really cottoned to.

The master bedroom, which looks like what Your Mama imagines a suite at the W Hotel in Aspen to look like, has a lovely high beamed and peaked ceiling, a third crushed glass fireplace with a bulky river rock surround and hearth and a private outdoor lounging area lined with curtains and a large padded sofa/bench, the perfect spot to smokey smokey some weed before doing the nasty. We're not saying Mister Sorum (or Your Mama) partakes in that sort of nefarious narcotics activity, we're just saying if someone did, this would be a good spot to do it.

The back yard includes an inviting swimming pool surrounded by a stone terrace and backed by a verdant wall of ferns and palm trees. A built in bbq area includes stools for sitting and chomping on rib bones and a flat screen tee-vee mounted on the wall. How do these outdoor televisions not get ruined by the elements? The children will note the elevated sun bed where we are 100% sure the Dr. Cooter would enjoy sun bathing in the nood while our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly paddled in the pool.

Property records show that back in the early 1990s Mister Sorum resided high in the hills above celebrity lined Carbon Beach in Malee-boo and also owned a small condominium at the Shoreham Towers building in West Hollywood. He's since sold both properties. An article from July of 1996 reveals the drummer next moved to home in the Hollywood Hills where Madonna was his next door neighbor. However, Your Mama can not find any purchase records that point to Mister Sorum for that property. Interestingly enough, prop records also show that Mister Sorum owns a multi-unit property on N. Croft Ave. in Los Angeles that he purchased in late 2003 from the troubled and usually annoying comedian Andy Dick.

Another High Priced Pad at 834 Goes on the Market

SELLERS: Leslie and Abigail Wexner
LOCATION: 834 Fifth Avenue, New York, NY
PRICE: quietly asking $60,000,000
SIZE: Huge

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Turns out Araxia Buckhantz's $30,000,000 two bedroom sprawler in the unimaginably exclusive apartment house at 834 Fifth Avenue in New York City isn't the only grand apartment for sale in the white glove building. According to the always on top of things Max Abelson at the New York Observer, billionaire retailer Leslie Wexner has quietly foisted his little used doo-plex on to the market with a butt clenching $60,000,000 asking price.

That's right children, sixty million big ones. Your Mama needs a nerve pill just to get our damn mind around a number that big.

For all the children not caught up on the whos and whats about American billionaire biznessmen, let Your Mama school you for a moment. Mister Wexner, a man whom Your Mama indirectly used to work for, started The Limited clothing stores which eventually popped up in just about every mall in America and made the man richer than the damn Pope. Mister Wexner, a man who knows how to mint money, has since bought and started a string of super successful mall brands such as Victoria's Secret, Bath & Body Works, The White Barn Candle Company and perhaps the jewel in his retail tiara, the venerable Henri Bendel department store.

Reports from the time reveal Mister Wexner, who had blue tinted hair, a much younger wifey and an even younger male assistant the last time we ran into him, purchased his 6 bedroom doo-plex fixer upper in 1997 for $9,000,000 after it sat on the market for several years. Years! At 834! The seller was a mysterious gal named Eduarda Crociani, of Italy and Monaco, according to a New York Times article. It was also reported at the time that Miz Crociani owned another apartment adjoining the lower floor of her doo-plex which she sold for $4,200,000 the year prior to selling the big doo-plex to Mister Wexner.

At the time of Mister Wexner's purchase the 16 room apartment was reportedly in sad shape and did not even have air conditioning. A loose tongued and wonderfully catty source even told Mister Abelson, "You almost gagged to death" in the summer swelter. Of course Mister and Missus Wexner had the apartment all did up and did over–allegedly by notoriously autocratic high society architect Thierry Despont–in a style akin to "a grand Virgina home or an English men's club," according to Mister Abelson's bean spiller.

Your Mama recommends the children do not hold their collective breath waiting for photos and floor plans to pop up on the internets because similar to the legendary 30+ room doo-plex apartment at 740 Park Avenue that widowed philanthropist Courtney Sale Ross is reported to be quietly offering to qualified buyers at "over $60,000,000," there will not be any advertising, online listings with photos or online floor plans that Your Mama and the children could swoon and swan over and there will certainly not be any open houses. We'll just have to use our over-active imaginations to picture the stuffy grandeur.

Mister and Missus Wexner undoubtedly have several homes to which they can wing to aboard their private jet, but their primary residence is a vast, perfectly symmetrical and multi-winged Georgian inspired mega-mansion that sits on 300 and some acres of flat farmland in New Albany, OH. The dee-luxe digs are said to measure in excess of 45,000 square feet and the property includes a long, long, loooong tree-lined driveway, several ponds, numerous barns, a large complex of stables and riding rings for the horsies, a swimming pool complex with not one, but two pool houses plus changing pavilions, a tennis court with even more pavilions, a grass volleyball court and a reflecting pond nearly 200 feet long.

As do many biznessmen with big money to burn, Mister Wexner also owns a behemoth boat, called Limitless, which at a staggering 315+ feet was the longest private yacht afloat when it was built in the late 1990s but which has since been eclipsed by a dozen or more mega-yachts including (but not limited to) Paul Allen's 414 foot Octopus, Larry Ellison's 452 foot long Rising Sun and Prince Sultan bin Abdul Aziz's cruise ship-sized floater Al Salamah which reportedly measures 456+ feet long and features an indoor swimming pool under a glass roof.

photo: New York Observer

Christian Lacroix Lists Paris Apartment

SELLER: Christian Lacroix
LOCATION: Paris, France
PRICE: €2,000,000
SIZE: 2,150 square foot (approx.), 4 bedrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Like all the other real estate gossips, Your Mama peruses the Private Properties column in The Wall Street Journal every week and the paper's most recent column reported that Haute-Couture hotshot Christian Lacroix (that's Luh-kwah, children) listed his Parisian pied-a-terre for sale with an asking price of €2,000,000. A few flicks of the beads on Your Mama's bejeweled abacus shows that converts to 2,652,500 U.S. clams at today's rates.

Iffin any of the children aren't already familiar with and in awe of Monsieur Luh-kwah's super sumptuous, prodigiously ruffled, cacophonously colorful, fantastically theatrical and hideously expensive clothing confections Your Mama recommends that you haul your deprived hineys immediately over to the couturier's internet portal and spend a some time swooning over the dee-lishus high fashion insanity.

Although we could talk a blue streak about Monsieur Luh-kwah's glorious follies in fabric, it's the real estate we're here to discuss, so let's get to the Luh-kwah's crib located in the gay, gay, gay Marais district in central Paris. Yes children, we know there are lots of Jewish people and Chinese folks and all other sorts of groups living up in the Marais too, but this historic and charming neighborhood is unquestionably a destination for hordes of Parisian homosexuals and their admirers.

Oh dear, we digress yet again.

Listing information and the Private Properties column report reveal the Lacroix apartment, located in a 17th century building near the soo-blime Place des Vosges, spans two floors–plus a mezzanine library accessed via some rickety looking stairs just barely wide enough to fit the slim hips of a visiting supermodel–and measures around 2,150 square feet with wonderfully high 13 foot ceilings. The kitchen and the bathrooms have been renovated.

Four bedrooms occupy the lower floor while the upper floor includes the public rooms which surround a 200 square feet interior courtyard where we wish Monsieur Lacroix had thought to put away the damn ladder before having photographs snapped. The modest and surprisingly restrained apartment retains much original detailing including well worn parquet floors and those unbelievably decadant and dee-voonly gorgeous gilded moldings in the master bedroom.

We can already hear some of the children snickering and having all kinds of righteous hissy fits and screaming that this place is one decorative hot mess. And if you look at it through Architectural Digest eyes, it is. However, Your Mama takes an entirely different view of Monsieur Lacroix's perfectly lived-in Parisian pied a terre. This is so very clearly not the apartment of a person who does up the day-core according to what is appropriate as determined by all dee-zine rag divas who get to decide that toile is the new tartan (which, of course, it is), but rather the very personal and quirky home of a man who does not give two centimes for what's considered "in style" interior design wise. Your Mama gives Monsieur Lacroix a standing ovation for listening to the music that plays in his own head and choosing to be surrounded by objects, artworks and furniture chosen for their personal meaning and inspiration and not for their vanity.

Monsieur Lacroix reportedly purchased and moved to another apartment nearby. Your Mama hopes and imagines his new digs will turn out every bit as personal as this one and we look forward to sipping some tea and fingering next seasons fabric swatches while curled up on that crazy-ass striped sofa that we'd sell our soul to the devil to own.

Your Mama Hears...

...From a gal we like to call Nelly Knowsitall that hi-tech tycoon Halsey Minor recently leased (with an option to buy) the seven-plus acre Singleton estate on Delfern Drive that was listed for sale in 2008 with a mind melting asking price of $85,000,000.

Your Mama wondered why that listing disappeared from the MLS.

Listing information from early 2008 shows the Wallace Neff designed house in the hoity toity Holmby Hills area of Los Angeles measures 15,520 square feet with 10 bedrooms, 12.5 bathrooms, rolling lawns, tennis court, swimming pool and massive motor court.

Miss Knowsitall also whispered in Your Mama's big ear that she hears the Minors have hired a much in the news Los Angeles based interior decorator to do up and do over the dated day-core.

If the children will put on their thinking caps they'll recall that Mister Minor has been trying to unload (at a loss) a troubled white elephant of a mansion on swanky Sarbonne Road in Bel Air that's currently on the market for $11,400,000.

UPDATE: Villa Leopolda

Poor rich Lily Safra.

The jet setting international socialite and mega-moneyed widow prefers to float well under the publicity radar of all the real estate gossips, but rumors and reports keep seeping out about Villa Leopolda, her legendarily high maintenance Belle Epoque estate on Villefrance on the Cote d'Azure that was widely whispered to have been sold last year to a big spending Russian billionaire for a knee buckling and heart stopping £392,000,000. That's 576,283,120 buckaroos to all us Americanos at today's rates, but back in August of 2008–before the global financial markets had a major meltdown–that figure converted to in excess of $730,000,000.

As it turns out, the palatial property was not sold. Or at least not according to a recent report in The Londoner's Diary. Your Mama isn't all that surprised to see this in print since both The Social Butterfly and Nelly Knowsitall, two of our better connected tipsters, told us ages ago that they'd heard on the hoity toity gossip grapevine they're privy to that all the brouhaha about a sale was just, well, brouhaha.

The reported £392,000,000 sale to Russian commodities tycoon Mikhail Prokhorov would have easily set a world record for the purchase price of a single family property. But alas...

Your Mama could certainly understand why Miz Safra, a ladee who knows how to marry well and whose fourth marriage was to Brazilian-naturalized Jewish Lebanese billionaire banker Edmund Safra who tragically perished in a highly suspicious conflagration of the couple's penthouse apartment in Monaco back in 1999, would want to unload this Villa Leopolda place. After all, she's no spring chicken anymore and it surely costs a small fortune and a few migraines each year to manage and pay the gardeners who maintain the gorgeously groomed 20 acre estate (who are oft reported to number 50 even though The Social Butterfly swears on her tiara it is a fraction of that), not to mention the serious doo-cats necessary to pay a full complement of house staff and team of scary security people, who are said to be armed and former members of the Israeli special forces.

The Gilded Lily, who cats around with swells like Prince Charles and that Camilla ladee he's married to and whose lavish lifestyle makes even the very rich look middle class, is also said to maintain posh properties in New York City, London, Monaco and Geneva.

Unless Miz Safra chooses to hand down the labor intensive property to one of her children, it's only a matter of time before Villa Leopolda sells to some billionaire or another whose looking for a trophy property they'll almost never use, but until then, it's pins and needles for all the folks like Your Mama who care about such frivolity as the fate of Miz Safra's celebrated estate.

A Little Floor Plan Porn For the Weekend

SELLER: Estate of Araxia M. Buckhantz
LOCATION: Fifth Avenue, New York, NY
PRICE: $30,000,000
SIZE: 2 bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Your Mama needs to interrupt our fine and lovely weekend in order to bring the hungry children some serious New York City floor plan porn. The highly anticipated listing for a full floor unit at the posh (and restrictive) building at 834 Fifth Avenue has hit the internets with an expected but still breath taking asking price of $30,000,000...for a two bedroom apartment with monthly maintenance charges of $9,538 according to listing information.

The 13th floor unit is offered for sale by the estate of the fabulously named Araxia M. Buckhantz,. Although Your Mama would like to offer the children all kinds of biographical details about Miz Buckhantz, a cursory search of the internets turns up very little 411 other than that she's the cuzzin of monocled "playboy oil magnate Nubar Gubkian" and that she passed on to the big oil man in the sky in the fall of 2008 at the ripe old age of 101.

The floor plan shows the sprawling 2 bedroom and 3.5 bathroom co-operative apartment has one private elevator landing, 12 rooms, four exposures (north, south, east and west), four fireplaces, 12 foot ceilings, two or three terraces depending how one counts, at least 11 closets including four walk-ins and one cedar lined walk-in, and a staff suite located, natch, behind the kitchen that includes three prison cell sized bedrooms that share a single bathroom and a small servants hall where the live-ins surely kicked off their shoes and gossiped about and mocked the mistress of the house and all her filthy rich friends. That's right. All you rich folks are just fooling yerselves iffin you think your staff ain't talking shit behind your couture and bespoke suit clad backs.

A 27-foot long entrance gallery leads to a 37-foot long living room which listing information indicates features pulchritudinous paneling from the George III period and access to a narrow terrace that positively hangs over Fifth Avenue and Central Park. A solarium–a somewhat silly architectural folly Your Mama finds is typically reserved for the unusually rich–sits adjacent to and beyond the living room and a guest terlit that offers visitors a soo-blime Central Park view while they do their dirty bizness.

Listing information indicates the library is wrapped in 18th century George II pine (whatever that is) and the dining room, with French doors leading to two terraces, is "castle-like" which Your Mama thinks could either be really good or a complete decorative disaster. The kitchen, which may or may not be renovated and/or up to date, is large enough to eat in (as if people this rich eat in the kitchen) and can be accessed either through a closet lined hallway off the entrance gallery or through the large, windowed butler's pantry adjacent to the dining room.

Each of the two bedrooms have large and private poopers, as they better have for thirty million clams, okay?

Current residents of the obscenely uppity Rosario Candela designed building include Alfred Taubman, the owner of the Sotheby's auction house that recently did a little time in the big house, Harry Crosby, the fifth son of Bing, billionaire banker Mark Rachesky and his wifey Jill who prop records reveal paid $33,444,500 for their dee-luxe doo-plex digs in October of 2007, legendary Broadway producer Harold Prince, and former CEO of Salomon Brothers John Gutfreund whose wifey Susan once famously, pompously and dare we say wisely said, "It's very expensive to be rich." Well, indeed it is Missus Gutfreund.

Other past (or perhaps present) residents of 834 are said to include Charles Schwab, Elizabeth Arden, Leslie Wexner, John DeLorean, Robert (Woody) Johnson IV, and Loida Nicolas-Lewis, widow of food and grocery tycoon Reginald Lewis who were the first–and as far as we know the only–people of color (he was African American, she Filipino-born) to live up with the otherwise very pale-skinned residents of 834.

However, perhaps the king of the money mountain at 834 is the multi-billionaire media mogul who owns the tremendous triplex penthouse in which Laurance Rockefeller resided for some 50 years. Prop records and multiple reports from the time show that back in 2005, Mister Rupert Murdoch and his much younger wifey Wendi Deng scooped up the triplex building topper for a stomach churning, teeth chattering, bone chilling and, at the time, record setting $44,000,000. The couple then proceeded to give the three floor and multi- terraced aerie a massive makeover which reportedly includes a home gym with construction costs estimated at $400,000.

All the New York City real estate gossips with surely be burning up the phone lines and chomping at the bit to get the inside scoop on who tours at the high priced pad and, of course, which mega-moneyed magnate will pass muster with the notoriously persnickety board.

A Couple of Producers List Design-y House in L.A.

SELLERS: Gabrielle Stanton and Harry Werksman
LOCATION: Hillside Ave, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $1,880,000
SIZE: 3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: ...Includes: large LR, DR & entry hall, kitchen, den/media room & master BR w/ dressing room & custom bath (including Bisazza soaking tub, custom-made dual faucet Corian sink, Porcher toilets & Phillipe Starck fixtures). Lower level guest BR & enormous bonus room perfect for home office/creative space. Covered patio & rear yard. Large garage w/ direct access, 3 fireplaces & new systems throughout.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Listen children, although all sorts of unconfirmed whispers and rumors are floating down the gossip grapevine about famous folks fixin' to move house, today is a bit slow on the celebrity real estate scene so today we're gonna discuss a couple of Emmy nominated tee-vee writer/producers named Harry Werksman and Gabrielle Stanton who recently put their Regency style residence in the foothills above Hollywood Boulevard on the market with an asking price of $1,880,000.

We know most of you haven't a clue who these people are, but iffin y'all will simmer down and quitcher bitching Your Mama will tell you. Mister Werksman and Miz Stanton, partners in both work and life, have extensive credits on award winning programs such as that tired Grey's Anatomy program, Ugly Betty and, most recently, a short lived vampire detective drama called Moonlight which Your Mama has neither seen nor heard of.

Back in August of 2002, about the time the boob-toob power pair's tee-vee project The Invisible Man was wrapping up, property records show they forked over $700,000 to purchase their house on Hillside Avenue. We're sure some of the snootier Angelenos will bristle and gripe about the too close to Hollywood not close enough to Bev Hills location, but Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter rather like a property near rugged Runyan Canyon where we like to walk our exercise bodied bitches Linda and Beverly side by side with all the heaps and hordes of show bizzers who walk their pooches and work their glutes on the canyon trails.

According to information we received from a gal we'll call Jean Pool, the Werksman/Stanton house was a dump when it was purchased and clearly Miz Stanton and Mister Werksman–with, according to listing information, the assistance of the folks at the Fitzsu Society–spent boo-coo bucks giving the place a full face lift and do over in a Dorothy Draper-ish Hollywood Regency style that has been re-jiggered (and some say copied) by hot shot decorator Kelly Wearstler.

Listing information and prop records reveal the house measures 3,283 square feet with three bedrooms and 3 bathrooms. In addition to the entry way with its high ceiling, shiny lime stone looking floor, vintage 1970s chandelier and luscious Lucite side table, a large formal living room with beige shag wall to wall carpeting has been a little too minimally furnished by the Fitzsu folks with two clean lined beige ultra-suede sofas facing each other with a couple of squat coffee tables from Ikea in between and a stainless steel and glass étagère for displaying knick-knacks and doo-dads has been situated to the side one of the homes three fireplaces.

The dining room, also done up in a minimal manner, features a wall of (not quite centered) glass sliders, pretty tree top views and all kinds of translucent furnishings includes a Lucite legged dining table and a couple of Phillipe Starck Louis Ghost Chairs which are only visible to children with 20/20 vision. The barely there day-core is completed by an atom-inspired chandelier that has been hung too high and is coveted by Your Mama, and a graphic black and white Japanese anime-like Panda painting which creates a well played visual tension with the Lucite legged dining room chair that have been upholstered with mis-matched and wildly colored Pucci-like fabric.

A small room that looks like a minimalists take on a library has been simply outfitted with a few free standing and well stocked book shelves, an orange ombré area rug and a classic, always appreciated by Your Mama Mies van der Rohe Barcelona chair and ottoman. With its louche sectional sofas and built in wood book shelves, the den/media room offers a cozy spot to tuck in for the evening with a stack of all the latest gossip glossies and a giant gin and tonic or to view the fabulously tacky and childish antics of The Real Housewives of Orange County, one of Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter's favorite reality tee-vee guilty pleasures.

The uber femme master bedroom has been worked over–and, quite frankly, a little over-worked–with wall to wall lavendar shag carpeting and a large print floral wallpaper behind the bed that probably looked au courant when it was installed but now looks a little dated design wise. Nothing a nice gay decorator can't fix in the twinkle of an eye. All the clothes horses will appreciate the full wall of floor to ceiling closets with frosed glass sliding doors which give the clothes a ghostlike appearance that would surely scare the skin off Your Mama in a half-asleep booze haze in the middle of the night. The frosted glass closet door treatment has also been applied to the large boo-teek like dressing room with its large lavender shag area rug, crystal chandelier, and yellow tufted stools that look too damn short for a fat ass like Your Mama to sit on comfortably.

We recognize the highly stylized master bathroom will not be to everyone's taste and it's absolutely not one that Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter would want in our home, however, we gives the couple credit for boldly and fearlessly going right over the interior design top with the funky juxtaposition of a hyper-modern glass box of a shower, dusty pink vanity table with ornate gold pulls, and glittery nickel and crystal sconces flanking the make-up mirror. The yellow tufted stool and blue and lavendar glass decanters are just icing on a shamelessly decadant decorative cake an an intricately patterned gold and white wallpaper surrounding the Bisazza tile soaking tub jumps up the glamour quotient to am über-luxe but almost unbearable level. With all that square footage devoted to the master bathroom, we'd have preferred the posh Porcher brand pooper be placed in a more private spot.

According to listing information, the lower level includes a guest bedroom and bathroom, a location which pretty much ensures the homeowner will not have to listen to their guests fight, fornicate and/or defacate. A large bonus room on the lower level can be used for a home office/creative space or perhaps a dungeon for the S/M inclined.

The outdoor space appears to be limited to a deck at the rear of the house and a sliver of land that aspires to, but pretty much fails, at being a backyard.

Although we don't know why Miz Stanton and Mister Werksman would want to sell after spending much time and money birthing their re-done residential baby, but if we've said it once, we've said it four hundred thousand times, the fickle real estate workings of the rich (and famous) are well beyond our comprehension.

Nick Turturro Lists House in Tarzana

SELLER: Nick Turturro
LOCATION: Beckford Avenue, Tarzana, CA
PRICE: $1,250,000
SIZE: 4,007 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: ...This warm and inviting residence has been beautifully updated, featuring gleaming hardwood floors, spacious living room with romantic fireplace, over sized family room and chef's kitchen with side/side SubZeros, massive center island, loads of storage and sunny attached breakfast room. The oversize family room features stunning French doors that lead you to the spectacular park-like grounds with sports court, sprawling manicured lawns and entertainers patio highlighted by wood ceilings, stone pillars and Saltillo tiled floors...

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: A couple of weeks ago we heard from our ever intrepid and prolific tipster Chris Coe who pointed Your Mama's beady little celebrity real estate eyeballs towards a well maintained but very non-descript house in hot as Hades Tarzana, CA that is owned by actor Nick Turturro and listed for sale with an asking price of $1,250,000.

Mister Turturro is, of course, part of the famous acting Turturro clan that includes kooky and quirky brother John Turturro (O Brother, Where Art Thou?, The Big Lebowski, Barton Fink and etc.) and cuzzin Aida Turturro who for years worked her stuff on The Sopranos. In addition to being a dedicated stage actor, Nick Turturro is probaby best recognized by the children for his long time role on the now defunct NYPD Blue back in the 1990s but may soon have a higher profile due to the six projects his resume shows he has in the hopper for 2009.

Property records show Mister Turturro purchased his Tarzana digs in December of 2002 for $775,000. Listing information shows brick red residence on Beckford Avenue measures 4,007 square feet and includes 5 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms plus a separate guest studio with three-quarter bathroom. Property records, however, show the big but perfectly banal suburban house sits on a .56 acre lot and has 4 bedrooms and 4 bathrooms. We don't have any idea why the discrepancy in bedroom and bathroom counts.

The large living room includes glossy wood floors, a gas and wood burning fireplace and a smattering of furniture that looks to Your Mama like it was picked up at the local Goodwill. Although the rug is far too small for the room and placed in an entirely haphazard fashion, the deep red color looks good against the dusty celadon walls and, even more importantly, we think it would look dee-voon in Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter's guest room.

The celadon wall paint continues into the room that does triple duty as the dining room, stair hall and library. While in theory we are not opposed to multi-purpose rooms this one makes us feel uncomfortable. Do not even get Your Mama started on that ass uglee chandelier which has been hung way, way too high or those wacky wind chimes hung next to the book case. Wind chimes? Indoors?

While decent sized with what appears to be both gas and electric cook tops, can't the children hear the kitchen quietly begging for a face lift? The adjacent breakfast area may be a good spot for keeping an eye on the kiddies as they chow down a microwaved dinner of fish sticks and mac and cheese, but we can't help but note the rug beneath the table is simply too small.

Apparently Mister Turturro got a good deal on that dusty celadon paint because the family room has also, unwisely, been painted that color. Again we see just a smattering of furniture, in this case caca-colored leather things with no end or coffee tables for setting down drinks and snacks, and yet another rug that is simply too small for the room. Some sort of light fixture hangs in the middle of the ceiling and looks poised to brain anyone who dares walk under it. We'll allow that the row of French doors is nice.

The master bedroom includes a peaked ceiling and French doors opening to a private terrace. While this is not a bad space, we're just flummoxed and flabbergasted to see another rug that is too damn small for the room. We realize that Mister Turturro many not care very much about day-core, but we'd still recommend he get in touch with a nice gay decorator who can school him on how to fit rugs into rooms and at what height to hang chandeliers. These things may seem trivial, but they can really affect the way a room feels, and the way a room feels in turn affects the way people feel in it. You know what we're sayin'?

The outdoors spaces include a large covered patio with a wood ceiling and Saltillo tile floor. While Your Mama is definitely not down with the Home Despot-ish patio furniture selections, we do think a deft hand could do up this space as a fantastic outdoor living and dining room that stays cool remarkably cool during the blistering San Fernando Valley summer months. In addition to a large lawn area, a sport court has been installed behind the detached two car garage. Your Mama does not have any problem with sport courts other than that we'd much prefer a swimming pool than a basketball court...but that's us. We recognize others might feel differently.

Of course we have no idea where Mister Turturro plans to move once this house sells, but we do hope he'll ring Your Mama for a long list of nice gay decorators who can pull his next home together in a manner more befitting a man of his stature.

More Mish Mash

Listen puppies, Your Mama hates to throw the mish-mash down twice in one week, but we still have a few nuggets and morsels that we need to get out of our inbox and off our voice mail.

1.
First things first children, so let's all grab a snack and board the Britney Spears real estate crazy train right away this morning and get it over with. Two days ago it was widely rumored and reported that back in the saddle pop star Britney Spears is decamping from her home in a gated community above Beverly Hills called The Summit, CA to another gated community out in Calabasas, CA called The Oaks. These developers are just so dang clever and creative with their community names, aren't they?

Anyhoo, all gossip and rumor arrows pointed to Miz Spears (and presumably her daddy/conservator Jamie) fixin' to move into anewly built mansion called Chateau Suenos, which is a silly Franco-Spanish way of saying House of Dreams.

The 10,300+ square foot French Provincial/Tuscan Farmhouse/Spanish Hacienda style sprawler occupies a large raised lot in The Estates section of The Oaks, which for those of the children not familiar with The Oaks (and why would you be?) is essentially a gated community within a gated community. That means iffin any of you freako fans manage to get yer Saturns and Hyundais past the first set of (guarded) gates you'll quickly be thwarted by another set of gates designed to keep your peeping asses out of The Estates where other big name music types like Brad Wilk and Travis Barker also live.

Since our little discussion two days ago the ex-Mrs. Federline confirmed via a Twitter entry on her official blog that she took her two pop tots to see their new house, that they, "Loved it," and that she, "Can't wait to move in." So there you have it right from the horses mouth, or at least the horse's Twitter account.

As we mentioned in our previous discussion, in addition to being offered for sale at $8,990,000, Chateau Suenos was also available for lease at $19,000 per month, which is more than some people make in a year, but pocket change to a gal like Britney who apparently has more money to spend on her fickle real estate whims than she knows what to do with.

New reports say that the singing and dancing cash cow is leasing Chateau Suenos while she builds another house of her dreams nearby.

2.
We can all breathe a heavy sigh of relief because according to an AP report in the Southern Ledger American Idol winner and 8-time Grammy nominated singer Fantasia Barrino will not lose her big ol' house in Charlotte, NC down the slippery slope of foreclosure

Phew! Your Mama knows y'all were on pins and needles about that.

2.
Boxing's weirdest and most outspoken promoter Don King has recently listed his Manalapan, FL compound for sale with an asking price of $27,500,000. Property records and reports show that Mister King and his wifey Henrietta purchased the two properties in 1999 for a total of $14,300,000.

The nearly three acre compound stretches from the Atlantic Ocean to the Intracoastal Waterway and includes two adjacent mansions, one which he used as is private residence and another that he used as a guest house. The Mediterranean style main house is reported to have seven bedrooms, nine bathrooms, garaging for three cars, a swimming pool and a courtyard with a bridge over a goldfish pond. The guest house is reported to have four bedrooms, nine bathrooms, a second swimming pool and a damn ice cream parlor. The children will note that Mister King's kompound has at least 18 terlits, which means considerable expense will be incurred by the owner having a gurl who does nuthin' but scrub terlits day in and day out.

The properties include two docks for yachts on the Intracoastal Waterway and a long stretch of sugar sand beach on the Atlantic that is accessed via a retractable staircase. Fancy.

Mister King, who made mountains of money promoting fights for folks like Muhammad Ali and that poor, got banged in the head one too many times Mike Tyson, told the folks at The Wall Street Journal that his decision to sell is not financially motivated but because at 77 years old, "walking from house to house has become inconvenient" and that he's going to "going to move to wherever I can find a nice little cozy, $10-to-$5-million house."

Reports and property records show Mister King also owns a couple of casas in Las Vegas, NV, an 80-acre training camp in Cleveland, OH and another training camp in Fort Pierce, FL.

3.
Ugly Betty brace face America Ferrera has recently listed the Los Angeles house she purchased last year just before she received word that production for her hit boob-toob program was shifting to New York City.

Records and reports show that Miss Ferrera, who of course does not have a mouthful of metal in real life, scooped up the 3 bedroom and 3.5 bathroom house on Rodgerton Drive in the Beachwood Canyon area in April of 2008 for $1,415,000. It's unclear to Your Mama whether Miss Ferrera ever occupied the house or not.

Listing information indicates the 3,523 square foot house is fully wired for sound and includes a fiberglass swimming pool and spa wedged into the small back yard, a huge two car garage and a master suite with private terrace and adjacent office space.

Your Mama would like to note that Miss Ferrera rather wisely painted over the pukey mural that was painted on the wall behind the swimming pool when she bought the house. Although we can not confirm it, this appears to be the only change that was made to the property.

Listing information reveals the house is currently listed at $1,685,000, a number our bejeweled abacus shows is $270,000 more than she paid for the property just nine months ago. We're certain some of the children will have something to say about that.

4.
Hedge fund scoundrel Bernard Madoff may not be a celebrity in the ordinary sense of the word but (allegedly) bilking friends and family out of $50,000,000,000 sorta puts him in the category of infamy, don't it?

It's now being revealed that Mister Madoff and his wife, who prop records show own and maintain a number of posh properties including an apartment on E. 64th Street New York City, a 5 bedroom and 7 bathroom house on N. Lake Way in Palm Beach, FL and an ocean front house on Old Montauk Highway in Montauk, NY, also own a modest hideaway in the South of France they reportedly purchased six or seven years ago.

According to a report on Bloomberg.com, the Madoff's South of France vacation getaway is a small apartment located in the international jet-setter hot spot of Cap d'Antibes. Located in the Chateau des Pins development, the 1,300 square foot unit on the second floor of a white villa with a terra cotta tile roof reportedly includes just 3 bedrooms and overlooks the tennis courts and swimming pools of larger and more expensive homes down the slope and closer to the water.

Mister Madoff, who reportedly owns a large private plane that he owns, conveniently parks his appropriately named boat Bull just down the hill in the super swank harbor at Juan les Pins where some of the largest boats afloat dock when not being used by their billionaire owners.

David LaChappelle's Picture Perfect Pad

SELLER: David LaChapelle
LOCATION: Marmont Lane, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $1,550,000
SIZE: 1912 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: ...This 1924 Spanish is the epitome of the Hollywood Hills lifestyle. With original character intact, this 2-story bungalow features a first floor open floor plan w/ spectacular city vus, dark wd flrs & newly remodeled kit. open & airy liv & din rms open to covered terrace, pvt pool/spa surrounded by luch foliage. Spacious master w/ city light vus & terrace overlooking this private oasis.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Yesterday afternoon, as we were sipping our first gin and tonic through a curly straw and perusing the LaLa Land listings, we came across a purdy little Spanish style house in the Hollywood Hills that rang all the bells of our celebrity real estate radar.

A peep into the property records and a quick consult with our wonderfully well informed aide de camp Lucy Spillerguts proved Your Mama's intuition correct because, as it turns out, the house is owned by insanely successful and wildly famous photographer David LaChapelle. The property, located on Marmont Lane just short walk from the legendary Chateau Marmont Hotel and down the road a piece from Cameron Diaz's crib, carries a current asking price of $1,550,000.

Some of the children will know Mister LaChapelle for his digitally enhanced, button pushing and sensationally surreal celebrity portraits for glossy and glammy publications like Vanity Fair, Vogue, Rolling Stone and Interview, where he was given his first professional photo assignment by La Warhol hisself. Some of the children will also recognize Mister LaChapelle's name as the maker of fab-boo films Rize, Krumped and Clowns in the Hood, and still others will know Mister LaChapelle for his ongoing photographic relationships with his muses, the dee-lishusly campy Pamela Anderson and the leviathan lipped and mammoth mammaried tranny superstar Amanda Lepore.

Prop records reveal that taboo topic luvin' Mister LaChapelle picked up his 1,912 square foot Spanish style lovely in October of 1999 for an even $800,000. Listing information reveals the 2 story (plus a lower floor for the 2 car garage) was built in 1924 and includes three bedrooms and 2 vintage bathrooms with wonderfully restored tile work.

After heaving and hoisting our big ol' booty up the front steps and then catching our breath with the assistance of a paper sack, we find the front door opens di-rectly into in the living room. We really do prefer that a home have at least a small entrance hall so that the delivery drivers can not case the joint while dropping off pizza, Chinese food or the half case of gin we have delivered each Thursday at 4pm. None the less, we find ourselves swooning with dee-light over the living room with its barrel vaulted ceiling, wood burning fireplace with simple surround, beautifully stained wood floors (no stilettos tramping around in here pleeze) and a view towards the Chateau Marmont. Mister LaChapelle and his nice gay decorator have very practically utilized a small adjacent room as a den where a flat screen boob-toob has been mounted above a credenza for which we'd at least consider selling Sister Woman's loud children into indentured servitude.

Although Mister LaChapelle's taste in furniture and accessories is not that of Your Mama or the Dr. Cooter, we do love a crisp white wall and we find ourselves drawn to the relative sparsity and texture balance of the day-core. Plus, we know that our mean ol' pussycat Sugar would love nuthin' more than to spread her queen sized kitty body on that fuzzy fur thing flung over the wood bench in front of the fireplace. And, you know, it's really best to keep Sugar happy because iffin she gets in a mood she'll shred Your Mama's Florence Knoll designed two seater with the original fabric faster than it takes us to get to the post office and back.

Anyhoo, the square-ish shaped dining room is perfect for a large round table–and we love us a round dining room table–not to mention that second round pedestal table with the seriously sexy turned base on which Mister LaChapelle's over-sized picture book–which we think is a copy of the extremely expensive limited edition LaChapelle, Artists & Prostitutes–is on display.

According to listing information, the galley style kitchen was recently renovated. Although we covet the stacked stainless steel LG brand washer and dryer set and we love a ladee-Bosch washer of dishes and we adore the original wood-paned windows that swing open to let the breeze blow in and we totally get that the black and white color scheme is appropriate for the architectural era of the home, we are definitely not feeling the country-house cabinetry with raised panels that looks, well, all due respect Mister LaChapelle because we do think you are it, but that cabinetry looks cheap to Your Mama. We'd bet our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly it waddn't cheap, but, we'd prefer to see something a little more sleek and sexy, perhaps even something with a high-gloss finish like this. Just a thought.

The master bedroom appears to have been created by combining two smaller bedrooms and includes a large sitting area with French doors opening to a private terrace overlooking the back yard. The children will note the shiny and spectacular wood floors as well as another drool worthy credenza where we imagine Mister LaChapelle keeps his high priced underthings and porn. The adjacent bathroom is all done up in vintage mint colored subway tiles with black accents and we applaud the famous photog for retaining this bit of original charm because it looks magnificent.

Tucked into a corner created by the dining room and kitchen is a small covered brick terrace outfitted with wicker furniture (wicker!?) where we can picture Mister LaChapelle sipping sodas and nibbling peanuts with the magnificently over-worked Miss Lepore who looks to Your Mama like she hasn't eaten a damn thing since sometime before 1986. The petit back yard is wild with foliage that surrounds the small brick patio and plunge sized swimming pool over which Mister LaChapelle has whimsically strung lights giving the rear yard just a hint of a carnival vibe, which is, of course, perfectly apropo for Mister LaChapelle and his fantastic coterie of freaks and famous folks.

Listing information shows that the property is in escrow. We'd offer Mister LaChapelle our sincere congratulations for selling his gem of a residence in such a soft market, but a little bit of additional research reveals that Mister LaChapelle first listed this house back in the summer of 2008 with an asking price of $2,495,000. A few flicks of the well worn beads on our bejeweled abacus reveals that Mister LaChapelle slashed a whopping $945,000 off the asking price before a warm buyer came along. Yikes.

We don't know what Mister LaChapelle's real estate future holds but we do know that back in January of 2007 Your Mama discussed his easy on the eyes East Village apartment which was listed for sale at $1,995,000 and records show he also owns the Los Angeles building where his photographic studio and office is located on N. Orange Drive.

Elliot Sadler Lists Mooresville Mansion

SELLER: Elliot Sadler
LOCATION: Conway Court, Mooresville, NC
PRICE: $4,500,000
SIZE: 7,037 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 5 full and 2 half bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Mediterranean influenced estate on an amazing point lot. Exceptional finishes throughout. Outdoor living space includes pool and jacuzzi, 60 inch plasma tv, dining area with built-in grill and fireplace. Boat dock with accommodate a 40 ft. boat. Four car garage.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: It probably goes without saying that Your Mama knows about as much about car racing as we know about birthing babies, but since we like to cover all our bases with the children of all stripes, this one's for all you NASCAR fans out there.

Thanks to a talkative tipster we'll call Racecar Rudy we've learned that thirty-something year old NASCAR hot shot Elliot Sadler recently listed his house in Mooresville, NC for sale with an asking price of $4,500,000.

After receiving a communique from Racecar Rudy Your Mama took the internets just to figure out who this Mister Sadler person is. What we learned is that in addition to making a sweet living driving a suped up automobile around a race track at unholy and unsafe speeds, he's just about to get mahreed to a gal named Amanda who may (or may not) have had a hand in Mister Sadler's decision to sell off his big ol' bachelor pad in The Point, a hoity toity gated development on Lake Norman centered around a Greg Norman designed golf course and home to more NASCAR racers than Your Mama could ever care to name.

Property records show the 1.45 acre lake front parcel was purchased in September of 2005 for $1,362,000 and the 7,067 square foot mansion of no architectural significance was built in 2006. Listing information reveals the race car driver's residence includes 4 bedrooms an 5 full and 2 half bathrooms.

Other amenities include a great room, a petit dining room with a wish is was baronial style table and chairs and paned windows looking out towards the Lake Norman shoreline. The kitchen looks to Your Mama like it was imported from the 1980s and includes de rigeur stainless steel appliances and three silver leafed stools lifted from the local Applebys.

The main floor, which we'd bet our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly has a too large impress the guests style foyer, is completed by a media room, a master suite and a family room with a built in bar with three more ass-uglee stools and a Miss Pacman machine, and laundry facilities. The second floor offers three bedrooms and an exercise area.

The Sadler grounds include a long driveway, what appears to be minimal landscaping, garage parking for 4 cars, covered terraces for entertaining and viewing a ridiculously large 60" plasma boob-toob, a dining area with fireplace and a built-in barbecue for grillin' and chillin' during the summer months, a swimming pool, spa, and a pier and boat dock large enough to accommodate a 40 foot boat.

Your Mama has a clue or care where Mister Sadler and his new bride will be settling after then nuptials, but we none the less wish them well in their upcoming coupling and a happy new home wherever that may be.

More on Britney Spears Blah Blah Blah

Hold on to yer britches children because, like it or not, the Britney Spears real estate crazy train is pulling out of the station and the giant price reduction on Miz Spear's current crib in the guard gated community of The Summit up in the hills above Beverly is hardly the only real estate noise the comeback queen is making this week.

According to a recent report on a Britney Spears fansite called Breathe Heavy, the Circus singer is packing up her circus and moving to The Oaks, a high-priced, family oriented and guard gated community of sizable mcmansions in the western Los Angeles suburbs of Calabasas.

The rumors and whispers of Miz Spears desire to decamp to Calabasas have been swirling around the celebrity real estate gossip grapevine for a looong time children, but to be honest, Your Mama knows next to nuthin' about the actual movements and whereabouts of the peripatetic pop star who can't seem to settle down in one house for very long before getting ants in her real estate pants.

What we do know, however, is the following:

1. Back in June of 2008 it was widely rumored and reported that the Spears family cash cow had her appropriately medicated eyes on a newly built mansion called Chateau Suenos located in the The Estates, the most expensive and exclusive section of The Oaks. For some reason unfathomable to Your Mama, The Estates has become a rock star friendly enclave which is also home to Brad Wilk of the anti-establishment band Rage Against the Machine and former Blink-182 drummer Travis Barker as well as the the 9,214 square foot mansion Eddie Murphy's ex-wife Nicole has been trying to sell since the dawn of damn time.

2. When it was first whispered in Your Mama's big ear that Miz Spears had been sniffing around the 10,300+ square foot manse on Prado do los Suenos, it was listed for sale with an asking price of $10,800,000. Since that time the asking price has been sliced and diced several times to its last asking price of $8,990,000.

3. According to information we received from Helen Heels, the 7 bedroom and 9 bathroom house was also available for lease at $19,000 per month, a number out of reach for mere mortals but just pennies for a glammy gal who reportedly has a pre-alimony and pre-child support monthly income in high six figures.

4. It's our understanding that the property in question was very recently "withdrawn" from the MLS which can indicate any number of things including (but not limited to) it having been leased, being taken off the market for a price adjustment or change of listing agent etc., and sometimes (but by no means always) it means that a high profile person has attached them self to the property either by lease or mortgage.

5. Listing information states the "French Chateau" style residence is centered around an interior courtyard with French terracotta pavers, a limestone fountain and an outdoor fireplace–a perfect spot for Miz Spears to play with her coupla pop-tots and and smoke her cancer sticks without being seen by nosy neighbors or the prying eyes of the paparazzi. Other amenities of the mansion are a two story octagon shaped library where Brit Brit can stash all seven of her books, a gore-may kitchen where daddy/conservator/chef Jamie can whip up meals for the household of hangers on and sycophants, a sound proofed home theatre, a wine cellar in the basement, a craft room, a master suite with sitting room and dual bathrooms and a custom fitted dressing room, a first floor guest suite with living room and private bath (perfect for the daddy/conservator), an elevator (when you're this rich and pampered who wants to walk up a flight of damn stairs?), at least 5 fireplaces, a six car garage with under-ground auto lift, a kick-ass security system, and the above mentioned guest house pavilion over-looking the swimming pool and spa decorated with mosaic tiles.

6. We hear from one of our better connected sources that Miz Spears did have a long look-see at the property over the weekend, but is unable to confirm whether she's actually moving to the house. You can draw your own conclusions children.

Friday Afternoon Mish Mash

It's been ages since Your Mama has done the celebrity real estate mish mash and we have a number of tidbits and treats that we need to clear out of our bulging inbox and over flowing voicemail, so here goes:

1.
Looks like back in the saddle Britney Spears is getting eager to sell her house up in the guard gated Summit community above Beverly Hills. Miss Spears, who is somewhat surprisingly riding the top of the charts once again with her new album Circus, has listed her current crib more times than Your Mama can count, but it was most recently listed in September of 2008 at $7,900,000.

A spin through the MLS now shows Miss Spears (or more correctly, her daddy/conservator Jamie Spears who reportedly handles all her financial matters) has slashed the asking price of her 6 bedroom and 6.5 bathroom "Italian Renaissance Villa" to $7,195,000, a price that listing information states includes, "select furnishings, accessories & art work." Would anyone actually want Miss Spears' sofas and chairs?

It's certainly no surprise that the formerly batty Brit Brit would want to unload this place. Not only is it the house to which she fled in the highly charged emotional aftermath of her rather unseemly uncoupling from wannabe rapper Kevin Federline, it's also the scene of some of her more mentally unhinged moments, like that sordid and sad day she locked herself in the bathroom with one of her babies and was later forcibly removed and admitted to the psych ward at the UCLA Medical Center.

Anyhoo, it's long been rumored and reported that the pop star wants to move to a gated community in the suburban Calabasas area in order to be nearer to where her two pop-tots live in Tarzana with their daddy Mister Federline.

Your Mama thinks Miss Spears might consider taking the altruistic real estate route and buy that damn house in the guard gated Hidden Hills community that poor Denise Richards' ladee can't seem to sell if her life depended on it. Just a thought.

2.
Speaking of houses in The Summit...Will Ed McMahon's troubles ever end? It's been quite some time since Your Mama has heard hide or hair about the octogenarian's well publicized battle too keep his Bev Hills house from slipping into the uglee-bizness of foreclosure.

And just when we started to think perhaps the Johnny Carson sidekick managed to straighten out his abysmal finances, we get word from gossip juggernaut TMZ that a process server who recently showed up on Mister McMahons doorstep to serve him some legal papers was attacked by the McMahon's pet poodle.

Oh dear.

3.
We're certainly not the first to discuss this and it's certainly no surprise since it was announced as part of their acrimonious dee-vorce proceedings, but liquor luvvin' actor/tee-vee talent show judge David Hasselhoff–who is also, bizarrely, a big pop star in Germany–and his ex-wifey Pamela Bach have just officially listed their house of marital horrors in Encino, CA with an asking price of $5,950,000.

Prop records show that The Hoff and his Missus paid $1,980,000 to purchase the 1.4+ acre property in 1996 from big bodied actor John Goodman. Although property records show the big white Colonial style mansion measures 6,148 square feet, listing information provided to Your Mama by a ladee we'll call Shanda Leer shows it sprawls across 9,770 square feet and includes 5 bedrooms and 5.5 bathrooms including a master suite with a fireplace and dual bathrooms. Other interior amenities include all the expected formal living and dining rooms, 5 fireplaces, a gore-may kitchen, office, gym, library, media room, and a sports bar (pleeze).

Listing information also reveals the flag lot property located in one of Encino's nicest 'hoods is accessed down a long gated drive terminating in a large motor court. The listing describes the back yard as "resort-like" with a grotto swimming pool, spa and waterfall (how very Hef of The Hoff), a lighted tennis court, rolling lawns, and not just one, but two guesthouses.

All that and The Hoff's boozy juju for $5,950,000? No thanks.

3. Big Time Beverly Hills builder John Bersci has some serious ants in his real estate pants. The prolific developer of prodigiously priced property in the Platinum Triangle of Beverly Hills, Bel Air and the Holmby Hills officially listed his own historic estate tucked away on Bev Hills' Benedict Canyon Drive in September of 2008 with an asking price of $11,495,000.

Your Mama noted this morning that the price for the 7 bedroom and 7 bathroom estate, which is commonly referred to as The Harvey Mudd Estate, has been sliced and diced all the way down to $8,995,000. A few flicks of the well worn beads on our bejeweled abacus tells Your Mama that amounts to a gasp producing 22% price reduction.

Of course, until someone in the know whispers in Your Mama's big ol' ear, we has no way of knowing if this gigantic karate chop to the asking price is because Mister Bersci is trying to scare up some cash, if it's just a reflection of a sagging in the high end market or if it has to do with that ridiculously humongous middle finger of a house that former and fallen Hollywood titan Mike Ovitz is building next door. Whatever the reason(s), it's crystal clear to anyone with eyeballs that Mister Bersci wants to get rid of this house. And fast.

4.
Earlier in the week Your Mama discussed the Hill Country (TX) hideaway that bicycling bigwig Lance Armstrong foisted on the market last year with a blistering asking price of $12,000,000. In our discussion we noted that the scandalously rich pedal pusher also owns homes in Austin, TX as well as a Bahamian getaway. However, we failed to mention–because we did not know at the time–that according to reports, Mister Armstrong recently scooped up a newly completed mansion in Aspen, the swank little ski resort in Colorado where a person can't swing a cat without knocking over 12 celebrities and/or billionaire biznessmen.

The Faded Youth reports the $9,000,000, three story sprawler includes 5 bedrooms and 5 full and 2 half bathrooms including a top floor devoted to a master suite and private den/study. The green shingled house is said to have multiple fireplaces, a hot tub/spa, and patios and decks with views of the craggy and insanely beautiful Rocky Mountains.

5.
Some blogs and gossip rags are rumoring and reporting that bodacious booty-ed Jennifer Lopez and her skeletal skinny huz-man Marc Anthony are headed towards the court of celebrity dee-vorce. Well children, Your Mama don't know nuthin' about that bizness, but we did recently hear from a Puerto Rican pal we'll call Dolores Del Taco who hooked us over to a recent report in the Spanish language newspaper El Nuevo Día that claims the couple spent the holee-days down in sexy San Juan where they've recently purchased two penthouse condos in Condado–which for those who do not know, is one of San Juan's swankiest areas. According to the report, which Your Mama translated with an assist by the bi-lingual Dr. Cooter, the Puerto Rican superstars coughed up around $11,000,000 for the two ocean view units which they are planning on combining into one giant celebrity-sized island getaway.

We shall see children.

The Milton Katselas Krib Goes Up for Sale

SELLER: Estate of Milton Katselas
LOCATION: N. Alfred Street, West Hollywood, CA
PRICE: $2,600,000
SIZE: 3,800 square feet (approx.), 3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Astounding architectural of oxidized iron, glass, concrete pillars & huge sand blasted wooden beams. Floors of wood & polished concrete. Beautiful pool & spa including cabana & bath. Second kitchen out doors for garden entertaining & dining. 4 fireplaces & a wood burning stove. 6 skylights & parking for 7 cars, includes an enclosed garage for 3. Steam shower and sauna in master bath.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Whether they have any real acting chops or not, most actors (and hack-tors) who work their talents and craft in Tinseltown take acting lessons. One of the more legendary acting coaches for the last 30 years was a man named Milton Katselas who went to meet the big drama critic in the sky in October of 2008. As often happens when someone dies, a house goes up for sale and in this case, it's Mister Katsela's West Hollywood hideaway that has been listed by his estate for $2,600,000.

For those who don't already know, Mister Katselas founded the Beverly Hills Playhouse acting school in 1978 where he coached such Hollywood hotshots as George Clooney, Michelle Pfeiffer, Gene Hackman, Doris Roberts, Kate Hudson, Tyne Daly, Patrick Swayze, that poor ladee from Knott's Landing whose face was ravaged by bad plastic surgery and many other notable names.

Before he started instructing film and television actors how to emote in a believable way and cry on cue, Mister Katselas worked as a film and theater director who helmed the original off-Broadway production of Edward Albee's The Zoo Story and the Tony nominated Broadway play Butterflies Are Free as well as the film version that starred Eddie Albert, the fa-boo Goldie Hawn, and Eileen Heckart, who earned an Oscar for her role.

Mister Katselas was also a long time Scientologist who some thought pressured his students to join the church and who reportedly achieved the very high level of "Operating Thetan," which according to Scientology doctrine, means Mister Katselas was capable of "knowing and willing cause over life, thought, matter, energy, space and time," whatever that means. But listen puppies, we're really not here to debate the merits of Scientology or any other religion–for what it's worth Your Mama thinks they're all wacky–so let's get back to the real estate.

Property records show Mister Katselas purchased his N. Alfred Drive property way back in June of 1999 for $379,000. Remember those days children, when you could get a little house in West Hollywood for well under five hundred grand? Anyhoo, listing information shows the house, which was massively renovated and reworked by Mister Katselas into a concrete, oxidized iron and glass structure, currently measures in at approximately 3,800 square feet with 3 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms including a master bathroom with steam shower and sauna.

Other amenities include 4 fireplaces (plus a wood burning stove), half a dozen skylights for pulling light into the interior spaces, a loft, an art studio (Mister Katselas was also a painter and sculptor), and wood and polished concrete floors that Your Mama sincerely hopes have a radiant heat system because even though Albert Hammond claimed It Never Rains in Southern California, it does indeed get cold enough that a concrete floor might be a wee bit cold on the toosties on those misty winter mornings.

The grounds, which stretch from the street to a dank alley at the rear, include a pill shaped swimming pool and spa with enough potted plants around the edge that it's almost impossible to get into, a cabana with bathroom so guests need not drag chlorinated water into the house when they have to use the terlit, an outdoor kitchen for cook-outs, and off street parking for 7 cars, a bonified bonus in this tightly packed neighborhood.

According to listing information, the Katselas krib is comprised of two lots with R-3 zoning which means the buyer can rip this house down and put up 8 condos, which at its current asking price, is about the only financially feasible thing to do because this property is simply not located in a neighborhood of 2.6 million dollar houses.

1980s Pop Star Sinitta Selling London Townhouse

SELLER: Sinitta
LOCATION: Colinette Road, London, UK
PRICE: £3,950,000
SIZE: 6 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Now that American Idol mean man and music mogul Simon Cowell has shed his long time ladee friend Terri Seymour–and reportedly bought her a 4.6 million dollar house in the Hollywood Hills as a parting gift–he's free and available to sift through the colossal crop of show-biz hopefuls who would sell their livers to date the filthy rich star maker.

None the less, when it came time to select a hot body with whom he could spend the Christmas and New Years holidays in beautiful Barbados where the hairy chested multi-zillionaire is reportedly building a house in which the bedrooms will have mirrored walls, Mister Cowell didn't pick up a new chick but instead flipped through his big black book and invited a former lover, a married middle aged gal named Sinitta. Although Your Mama had no idea who she is or was, some of the children will certainly recall that Miss Sinitta was a Simon Cowell created pop star way back in the 1980s.

Anyhoo, now that we've had a little background on who this Sinitta person is, let's get down the brass tacks of real estate. Thanks to a London-based informant we'll call Marsha Dimes we've learned that American born and UK based Miss Sinitta has been trying to sell her London house for nearly a year. That's right children, a year.

Recent reports say Sinitta purchased her six bedroom and four bathroom Victorian house on Colinette Road some time in 2006 but flipped it back on the market in the spring of 2007 with an asking price of around £4,500,000. According to our bejeweled abacus, that's 6,744,330 American dollars.

However, come October of 2007 the declining property market and credit crush forced Miss Sinitta to chop more than half a million British Pounds off the asking price to it's current list price of £3,950,000. Another quick consult of our bejeweled abacus shows that at today's rates the asking price converts to $5,920,023 American.

Listing information shows the four floor property (plus finished fifth floor) includes a raised ground floor with proper stair hall featuring a churchy stained glass window, a gigantic "L" shaped reception room that stretches a bowling alley like 47 feet and has some sinful white leather recliners flanking the fireplace, a glassed in conservatory and a powder pooper tucked away for modesty and privacy.

The lower ground floor is comprised of another large open space where the sleek kitchen overlooks the dining room area and family room that features a full wall and ceiling of glass. This is great for sucking light down into the lower level, but we sincerely hope none of the neighbors have windows high enough to peer down into there. Also on the lower floor is a large pantry (a feature we swoon over), laundry facilities, another private powder pooper tucked away under the stairs and a full guest or staff suite with living room, bedroom, private pooper and what appears to be a kitchenette.

The first floor is where Miss Sinitta's boo-dwar is located and includes a small sleeping chamber, a bathroom with back to back sinks and both a terlit and bidet. It is Your Mama's rather meaningless opinion that more houses should have bidets to help folks keep their naughty bits clean and fresh. A gigantic dressing room lined with closets, a small sauna and a free standing bathing tub complete the suite.

The second floor is comprised of four (apparently closet free) bedrooms that share two bathrooms and a kitchenette. This set up is perfect for parents who do not want the nanny to bring the children down until late in the morning after mommy has put on her face and had her first vodka tonic of the day. A fifth floor loft space tucked up into the roof makes a perfect spot for the kiddies to play or be locked away in if they've been obnoxious.

The grounds include a motor court and a garage where two or three cars can be stored tandem, a large terrace off the lower floor living spaces, a garden large enough for a swing set should someone require one and a coach house with the proper permissions to be converted into additional living space.

Some reports say that Miss Sinitta, a mother of two adopted children, would like to sell her big house in order to downsize her digs in London and to purchase a place in Hong Kong where her husband is based. Other reports say Miss Sinitta and her huzband are estranged. Hmm. If they weren't before, they prolly are now that she's spent a few weeks in Barbados with Mister ex-Boyfriend.

Tyler Perry Trading Up Outside Atlanta

SELLER: Tyler Perry
LOCATION: Cedar Grove Road, Fairburn, GA
PRICE: $3,695,000
SIZE: 17,252 square feet, 6 bedrooms, 6.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: ...An unbelievable foyer with marble floors, two vast sitting areas, a floating mahogany staircase, leading to an exquisite grand salon, all with dramatic ceilings over 20 feet high. The gourmet kitchen features a two story ceiling with a double sided fireplace. The spacious family room has dramatic French doors leading to the pool and terrace. The master bedroom is 4,000 sq. ft. of total luxury...

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: No matter how you slice it, dice it, bend it or turn it inside out, Tyler Perry is a real estate size queen. Thanks to an informant we'll call Georgia Peach, Your Mama has learned that the cross dressing actor/writer/director of scorchingly successful plays, films and boob-toob programs (House of Payne, The Family That Prays, Why Did I Get Married and all those Madea movies just to name a few) has recently listed Avec Chateau–his gigantic Fairburn, GA mansion–with an asking price of $3,695,000.

Property records we accessed indicate Mister Perry purchased the unimproved parcel in April of 2001 for just $62,661 and proceeded to build a massive monument to his success and money. A 2004 article in Ebony magazine quotes Mister Perry on his big ol' house in Fairburn saying, "I wanted this house to be vast. I wanted to make a statement, not in any grand or boastful way, but to let people know what God can do when you believe." Queen, pleeze. If anyone were to ask Your Mama–and of course no one did– it's just ass-inine for Mister Perry to classify his desire for a hotel sized house as a glorification of God. Do you think Jesus lived in a damn mansion with more rooms than disciples? Come on now.

Anyhoo, located on rural Cedar Grove Road (sometimes knows as Highway damn 70), the 17,252 square foot behemoth of indeterminate architectural pedigree sits on an 11.4 acre parcel surrounded by much more modest homes. Listing information indicates the sprawling "L" shaped mansion includes 6 bedrooms and 6.5 bathrooms including a 4,000 square foot master suite that features a sizable sitting room, a giant bedroom in which the bed sits, natch, up on a pedestal two steps up from the inlaid wood floor, and dual custom fitted closets overlooking the elaborately fitted master bathroom. Listen puppies, Your Mama don't begrudge Mister Perry his screaming success and we allow that people with fat bank accounts are free to live any which way their mountains of money will buy. However, Your Mama can't help but think there's something, well, vulgar about having a master suite which measures more than twice the size of the average American home. Do any of the children really think Jesus, a man who hung around with thieves and prostitutes, would have had a 4,000 square foot bedroom?

Other lavishly decorated rooms–where were reportedly done up and did over by Mister Perry hisself–include a double height foyer with a swerving, dizzy making mahogany staircase and a large sculpture of a horse that for some reason appears to be leaning against the wall. A ballroom sized "grand salon" has 20+ foot ceilings and a chandelier about as big as the Hyundai his housekeeper drives to work and additional sitting and entertaining rooms include another double height room with a quartet of brown tufted leather chairs and sofas and yet another double height room with scarlet colored walls, beige carpeting and floor to ceiling windows flanking one of the homes seven wood burning fireplaces. A person could take down the Tioga State Forest burning up wood in all them hot boxes.

A double height paneled library accommodates another large chandelier and a vertigo inducing spiral staircase leading to a gallery lined with book shelves. The dining room sports vermilion colored walls and yet another colossal crystal chandelier while the double height gore-may kitchen has been painted the brightest of yellows which, quite frankly, makes for an unharmonious aesthetic marriage with the mahogany cabinetry, taupe colored marble floors and black granite counter tops.

A home gym lined with floor to ceiling mirrors ensures Mister Perry can watch himself work out from all angles, and a home thee-ayter with eight red velvet seats and crimson colored walls has quite naturally been installed. Presumably this is where Mister Perry runs and re-runs his bank account filling films in which he plays the argumentative and gun-toting matriarch Madea.

The walled and gated grounds include a long driveway leading to a large circular motor court with, you got it, a fountain in the middle. The back side of Avec Chateau includes a vast terrace with both a fireplace and a fire pit, not one but two prayer gardens, a man-made waterfall, tennis court, several small ponds, a three tier outdoor amphitheater for impromptu performances, a circular spa and a negative edge swimming pool that spills down into yet another water feature.

Both Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter go apoplectic just thinking about the yearly heating and cooling costs of a house like this. All those double height rooms ensure the heating and cooling systems are working over time all the time and the immense lawns and landscaping guarantee a team of mowers, trimmers and weeders be on the property several times a week. We know, some of you sassy children are gonna say a person who can afford a house like this does not worry about the running costs, but we do not want to hear it because, judgement or not, we think this is simply too much house and property for one man.

But Mister Perry, being the real estate size queen that he is, clearly thinks differently because he's reportedly packing his chandeliers and moving to an even more monumentally sized mansion off Paces Ferry Road in the suburbs of Atlanta that is sited on 17 acres overlooking the Chatahootchie River and is reported to measure in excess of 30,000 square feet. Dayum! Keep in mind children, Mister Tyler lives all by his lonesome. Could there be anything more depressing and lonely than rattling around a 30,000 square foot suburban mansion? Alone? No, we don't think so either but we're sure any discomfort Mister Tyler might feel is offset by his belief that his new mega-mansion, like his old mega-mansion, is a paean to the power of God. Whatever.

Mister Perry, who was once called the most bankable actor in Hollywood by Business Week magazine, does not just confine his God glorifying real estate to Atlanta and also owns a few premium properties in Los Angeles including a newly built and aggressively modern residence at the top of Blue Jay Way for which he reportedly paid $9,600,000. Also in his portfolio of prodigious properties is a 22-acre tract of land in the hills above Beverly where he once planned to build a 22,000 square foot Tuscan style monster mansion but for reasons unknown to Your Mama scuttled the project soon after the foundation had been laid. That property was previously on the market for $15,000,000 but seems to have disappeared from the MLS.

UPDATE: Anthony Clark

As it turns out and thanks to our always wickedly well informed cohort Lucy Spillerguts, Your Mama has learned that not only is comedic actor Anthony Clark (Yes, Dear, Boston Common) selling a really nice Robert Byrd designed residence in the celeb packed Outpost Estates area of Los Angeles, he's also listed a dee-voon domicile in the hills of lovely Laguna Beach, CA with an asking price of $2,795,000.

Once upon a time, back when Your Mama was just a pea pod, Laguna Beach was an arty enclave where kooks, artists and homosexuals lived in tiny shacks that dotted the steep hillside above Main Beach that offered some of the most impressive Pacific Ocean views anywhere. Now, the near perfectly placed little town is chock full of rich folks wearing $400 bejeweled sandals and fancy hippy chic frippery purchased at swank shops in the South Coast Plaza Mall. It's still an outrageously beautiful spot where ocean luvvin' artists live and work, but, for better or worse, it's been totally, completely and utterly Orange County-fied where a good chunk of the middle aged ladees subscribe to the rather unfortunate Real Housewives of Orange County model of beauty and an itty bitty piece of crap fixer in the hills costs well over a million clams.

Anyhoo, property records show Mister Anthony purchased his Coast View Drive property in April of 2004 for $2,200,000. Listing information states the recently rehabbed and clean lined modern in the hills above town includes 3 bedrooms and 3.5 bathrooms, a bed to bath ratio that makes both Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter swoon with delight.

As far as Your Mama can surmise, the multi-million dollar beach shack makes use of an upside-down program in which the bedrooms occupy the lower floor with the primary living spaces above in order to better exploit the hill side setting and stunning views over the Pacific Ocean. Our tyrannical house gurl Svetlana would surely go ballistic iffin we asked her to haul a glute busting load of groceries from the Wild Oats Market all the way up to the kitchen, but given the soo-blime view, well, it might just be worth all her hissy fittin' and hollering.

Other amenities, according to listing information, are an open plan living, dining and kitchen space with floor to ceiling walls of glass that slide open to the large adjacent terrace where Your Mama can imagine sipping gin and tonics while the sun goes down. A cozy, almost womb-like tee-vee viewing room and a small slice of lawn at the back of the house where our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly could do their dirty bizness seals the deal for Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter.

We don't know why our Mister Anthony would list multiple properties at one time but, given the sharp decline in the market and his current lack of a regular boob-toob billet, perhaps he feels it's wise to lighten his real estate load. We'd have to concur.

Actor Anthony Clark Lists Outpost Estates Home

SELLER: Anthony Clark
LOCATION: Outpost Drive, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $2,495,000
SIZE: 2,712 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Robert Byrd masterpiece w/ stunning sweeping head-on city vus!!! Reduced $300k. Beautifully renovated & restored in 2007 to absolute perfection. Extraordinary classic wood detailing of a bygone era. One true rare gem. Most serene & peaceful setting. Pine wd flrs, wd beamed ceilings, cedar paneling & brick wall accents. Gourmet country kitchn w/ nu modern appliances. All bedrooms have their own baths. Mstr bath has new resort style shower. Inviting brush stone rear patio perfect for entertaining.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: As we so often do while we're sucking down our first in and tonic of the day, Your Mama was sitting at our beloved and beat up Saarinen table in our big ol' kitchen flipping through the Los Angeles real estate listings yesterday afternoon when we came across a house at the tippy-top of the Outpost Estates area that grabbed our fancy.

So, as Your Mama so often does, we peeped into the property records for the Robert Byrd designed digs on Outpost Drive that's listed at $2,495,000 and lo and behold it's owned by comedian and boob-toob actor Anthony Clark who some of the children may recognize from his six seasons on a not very funny sit-com called Yes, Dear or perhaps from his stints on the 1990s programs Boston Common and Soul Man, neither of which has Your Mama ever seen nor heard of.

Property records show that Mister Clark, perhaps one of the few out homosexual actors who have been allowed by the Hollywood establishment to play straight guy parts, purchased the 2,712 square foot house in July of 2006 for $1,590,000. Listing information states the rustic and shingled house was renovated and restored in 2007 and includes an easy to manage 3 bedrooms and 3.5 bathrooms. Listing information states that each of the three bedrooms has its own private pooper which means the master(s) of the house will always be spared the indignity and olfactory abusing odors of overnight guests.

Listing information indicates the house still sports the original pine floors, wood beamed ceilings, cedar paneling and brick walls. We're not a big fan of the brick wall look, but given that it's an original feature of Mister Byrd's design, we appreciate that it was retained.

Although Your Mama does like Mission style furniture and generally speaking it works pretty well in this house, overall the interior day-core is, at best, lackluster and could definitely use a wave of the sparkle wand by a nice gay decorator. (Come now Mister Anthony, surely you know a design queen or two who could help you.)

While Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter's inclination would have been to gut the kitchen and replace it with something a little less rustic, we're respectful of Mister Anthony's choice at retaining (and restoring) the house's original cabinetry and installing new-fangled stainless steel appliances such as a heavy duty double drawer dishwasher and a six-burner range.

Because of the down sloping lot, the exterior spaces are somewhat limited and don't provide much room for a swing set or a swimming pool, at least not without some serious geologic engineering.. However, the large covered terrace with its brush stone floor and canyon view makes Your Mama go all goose pimply with envy.

The property sits just above ack-turus Scarlett Johansson's approximately $8,000,000 Senalda Drive dwelling as well as the mini-estate of Desperate Housewive's Felicity Huffman and her huzband William H. Macy, a man with actual acting chops.

It's unclear why Mister Anthony would choose to sell this lovely house after spending the time, money and energy renovating and restoring it, but it could be because property records indicate he also owns another house in the Outpost Estates, on nearby Senalda Drive, which records show was purchased in July of 2007 for $1,200,000.

Perhaps some of the children will find it interesting that among many other Los Angeles residences architect Robert Byrd, the man responsible for the shingles and bricks of this house, also designed Frank Zappa's legendary "Rock and Roll Tree House" in Laurel Canyon, the Cielo Drive house where the infamous Mansion murders took place–which has been replaced with a obscene mcmansion–and the home in Encino where comedian Phil Hartman was murdered by his wife before she took her own life.

UPDATE: Shaquille O'Neal

Alright puppies, since everyone and their baby momma have already discussed Shaq's shack in Miami falling out of escrow, Your Mama figured we better jump on the band wagon because we have a few tidbits to add.

Back in 2004 seven foot something b-baller Shaquille O'Neal and his wifey Shaunie paid $18,800,000 for a mammoth mansion on Star Island where celebrity residents include Rosie O'Donnell, Grammy winning Gloria Estefan and P-Diddy (or Puff Diddy or Papa Daddy or whatever name he's going by nowadays).

A couple years later, Shaq and Shaunie were on the fritz and headed towards dee-vorce court (they've since reportedly reconciled) and th waterfront estate went back on the market with a coma inducing asking price of $35,000,000 which was later reduced to $32,000,000.

Many reports, including the always informative South Beach Real Estate Blog, reported that bed hopping dee-vorcee Alex "A-Rod" Rodriguez bailed out of a deal to purchase the property.

Then along comes late 2008, the asking price has dropped again to $29,000,000 and the O'Neals are tuckered out from trying to sell their real estate white elephant so they agreed to sell the 19,440 square foot behemoth for a reported $19,000,000. A few flicks of the well worn beads on our bejeweled abacus reveals that, if true, the O'Neals agreed to accept $10,000,000 less than their already reduced by $6,000,000 asking price, which is surely the equivalent of a real estate gut punch.

Your Mama hears through the gossip grapevine (but can not confirm) that the fickle minded buyer was real estate developer/Broadway musical producer Peter Fine. Google him children, Your Mama is too damn hungover to explain his biographical details.

The house has returned to the market with an even lower asking price of $25,000,000, but honestly children, if they were willing to take nineteen from Mister Fine, what numskull would offer them a penny over $18,000,000?

Everyone but Your Mama already knew that Mister and Missus Shaq have already left Miami and decamped to Arizona where he plays for some team out there, the name of which Your Mama can't be bothered to look up.
Anyhoo, as Your Mama is inclined to do, we did a little digging to see if we could suss out any information about Shaq's new shack in the AZ. Turns out, and according to reports, the big man is leasing a palatial mansion in posh Paradise Valley (pictured above). A peep into property records indicates the sprawling single story residence sits on an approximately two acre parcel on the Arcadian sounding Mockingbird Lane and measures 8,238 square feet–some reports say 9,400 and listing information says 8,981.

Listing information Your Mama dug up on the internets indicates the Santa Barbara/Mediterranean style manse includes a main house with 4 bedrooms and 4 full and 2 half bathrooms and a detached guest house with another bedroom and bathroom. Other amenities include a gore-may kitchen, a media/game room, wine cellar, a resort-like swimming pool and spa, more than 4,000 square feet of covered patio space, a chipping green (whatever that is), a sport court with a basketball hoop (natch) and garaging for 5 cars.

The home had previously been leased to someone named Emmit Smith who was a running back (whatever that is) for the Dallas Cowboys.

Your Mama Hears...

...From a misfit hausfrau down in the hollers of rural Nashville that disco era super star Donna Summer and her musician huzband Bruce Sudano are selling their Brentwood, TN mansion. Yes puppies, it's true, the 5 time Grammy award winning singer/songwriter lives in Tennessee.

Your Mama has yet to turn up a listing for the 25+ acre property on Split Log Road, but property records show the couple scooped up the sprawling estate in October of 2003 for $2,550,000. Other tidbits of information we managed to get our grubby nubbins on indicate the house, dubbed Le Château, measures 9,847 square feet with six bedrooms and 7.5 bathrooms. Other features include a long celebrity style driveway, a mammoth motor court and a private pond.

Sorry we don't have more information than that children, but unlike Anne Sullivan, Your Mama is not a damn miracle worker.

Anyhoo, prop records show the couple also owns property all over the U-nited States including (but not necessarily limited to) a waterfront property in Englewood, FL, a condo in Naples, FL, another property in Shelter Island, NY and a vacant parcel in Atlanta, GA.

Lance Armstrong's Hill Country Hideaway

SELLER: Lance Armstrong
LOCATION: Deadman's Hole, Dripping Springs, TX
PRICE: $12,000,000
SIZE: 4,241 square feet, 5 bedrooms and 5 bathrooms (total0
DESCRIPTION: Spectacular resort like ranch with 447.8 acres (hcad). Ownership in Deadman's Hole & 1886' of Pedernales frontage (per survey). Extensive clearing of underbrush, paved roads, beautiful grassy pastures & 7 miles of hike/bike trails. Fab 4bd, 4ba main house on hilltop w/ exquisite landscaping, neg. edge pool & firepite overlooking endless hill country views. Great 1bd/1ba guest house.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Seven time Tour de France winner and cancer survivor turned advocate Lance Armstrong not only has a penchant for famous ladees like Kate Hudson, singer Sheryl Crow and New York socialite/designer Tori Burch, he also has a habit of owning houses and hideaways that create quite the kerfuffle in the communities in which they're located.

Not only was there that big brouhaha over his newly built Tuscan style mansion on the outskirts of Austin, TX using more than 25 times the amount of water the average Austin household uses–a situation he claims to have remedied–the Texas born bicycler also ran afoul of his nearby neighbors out in the boonies of Dripping Springs, TX where he owns a 447.8 acre ranch that, thanks to Two-Stepping Trudy, we've learned he recently listed for sale.

A peep into the property records does not provide much in the way of purchase price, but previous reports and current listing information reveal that the sprawling Hill Country ranch is comprised of two tracts that total 447.8 acres and include 1,886 feet of frontage on the purdy Pedernales River. What makes Mister Armstrong's property most unique, however, is ownership in Deadman's Hole, a pool of pristine water that can be accessed and used only by the 17 neighboring landowners whose deeds grant them ownership. In his memoir about conquering cancer, Every Second Counts, Mister Armstrong states one of the reasons he purchased the property was because he was drawn to the stunning swimming hole where jumping off the 45 foot waterfall became his, "own personal way of checking for vital signs."

It is Deadman's Hole, beloved by all that use it, that has made Mister Armstrong less than popular with some of his neighbors with whom he shares ownership. According to many, many, many reports, back in 2005 Mister Armstrong began building a small dam on a creek that runs across his property and feeds into Deadman's Hole. Neighbors claimed the dam construction caused sediment to run into the swimming hole and cloud the once uncommonly clear waters.

After much wrangling and bickering, Mister Armstrong agreed to arrange and pay for the clean up of the swimming hole, an endeavor which he says cost him around $850,000 in clean up charges, consultant costs and legal fees. Most reports indicate the neighbors are satisfied with the result.

However, all the finger pointing and big bucks spent cleaning up Deadman's Hole must have left a bitter taste in Mister Armstrong's mouth because sometime in October of 2008 (or maybe it was in September?) he listed his Hill Country hideaway for sale. Listing information Your Mama turned up shows the current asking price is $12,000,000.

Listing information indicates the Armstrong hideaway was built in 2003 and includes a four bedroom and 4 bathroom main house as well as a 1 bedroom and 1 bathroom guest house. A previous report on the property–which did not identify it as belonging to Mister Armstrong–reveals the main house measures 3,928 square feet while current listing information shows it at 4,241 square feet. We're not sure of why there's a difference, but it might be that the larger figure includes the floor space of the guest house.

Listing information and photos show the main residence features and open plan program where the main living space, dining area and gore-may kitchen share the same prodigiously peaked and beamed ceiling. Floor to ceiling windows and several sets of french doors allow the long and lovely vistas over the Hill Country west of Austin to create an ever changing and mesmerizing back drop for the clean lined but cozy looking interior spaces.

The kitchen includes a giant work island and breakfast counter where Your Mama would surely sit sipping gin and tonics while Chef prepared dinner and has been kitted out with top grade stainless steel appliances, natch. In place of overhead cabinets, three rows of plank shelves provide easy access to all the daily dishware. Presumably the kitchen area includes a large pantry where food and other kitchen necessities can be stowed away and out of site and there is little Your Mama loves more than a giant pantry for hiding kitchen clutter.

A media room has been tucked up under the peaked roof line on the second floor with a u-shaped seating arrangement that allows everyone to view the big screen boob-toob.

We imagine some of the children will remark and complain that the interior spaces look a little hotel-like and without the sorts of personal touches that make a house a home. And we'd agree that some books, magazines and knick-knacks strewn around would make it all seem a bit more homey, but we also imagine the place has been staged and stripped of Mister Armstrong's personal belongings for the selling process.

The manicured grounds immediately around the house include covered patios overlooking rolling green lawns where a negative edge swimming pool and spa visually spills into the scrubby Hill Country horizon. Listing information also states the property includes 7 miles of hiking/biking trails which photos and at least one report reveal are marked with yellow "Livestrong" directional signs. The grounds also include at least one fire pit and a heated and cooled work shop and bathroom where Your Mama imagines Mister Armstrong and his team of peeps toil away to make his collection of two-wheeled contraptions lighter and faster.

And then, of course, there's dee-lishus Deadman's Hole which by any standards looks to be a spectacular spot to get away and a place Your Mama would give our molars in order to skinny dip in the moonlight with the Dr. Cooter and several of our closest and better built buddies.

It's difficult to imagine that Mister Armstrong would want to sell such a pulchritudinous place, but desire to sell he does. Perhaps he has plans for another even more spectacular location for his next rural getaway? Or maybe he's just planning on spending more time in the Bahamas where Your Mama read somewhere (but can not confirm) he's building and decorating his own island paradise.

Year End Stats

Your Mama simply can not let another day go by in this New Year without giving a sincere thank you from the very bottom of our cold dark heart to all the children who have made our little online endeavor the most fun and rewarding "job" we've ever had...and hunnies, we've had a lot of damn jobs.

We'd also like to offer our genuine gratitude to the spider web of contacts, informants and tipsters–y'all know who you are–who keep our in box and answering machine stuffed full of all juicy and pertinent details we need to keep the children entertained.

The children might like to know that, according to the page counter installed on our page, for the 2008 year we averaged 492,234 page hits per month with an average of 285,879 unique visitors. Those numbers resulted in almost six million page hits this year, which is, much to Your Mama's delight and surprise, more than double from 2007.

Honestly children, we have no idea if in the context of the blogosphere that is a lot or a little, but it far exceeds ANY expectation Your Mama ever had.

Now then, we're off to see our luddite Big Daddy who not only refuses to hook up the internet in his house that looks like a barn but lives a good 15 miles or more from the nearest any, well, any place at all let alone an establishment where we could hook up our trusty laptop computer.

So sit tight until next week when we'll be back in the civilized world with more of the celebrity real estate gossip and sassy commentary.

And for the love of Mary quit fighting and bitch slappin' with each other in the comments section or we're gonna get our our wooden spoon and let y'all have it. Hard. And if you don't think we will, well, as Your Mama and Sister Woman's peach tree switch wielding grandmother used to say when we were acting like hooligans, "You just try me."

Russ Weiner Finally Gets to Unload One

SELLER: Russ Weiner
LOCATION: Sunset Plaza Drive, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $8,000,000
SIZE: 9,800 square feet (approx.), 7 bedrooms, 8 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: ...A poured in place megalith built buy award winning architect David Lawrence Grey, with no expense spared or budget. Walls and floors of glass capture the best city to ocean views. The entry with soaring ceilings and loaded with natural light doubles as a gallery for art and sculpture. 5 bedroom suites in the main house and 2 bedroom suites in the detached guest house. A state of the art screening room with projector have just been installed. The grassy yard with koi pond soften the sleek exterior...

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: All you people who obsess over Los Angeles real estate like Your Mama does better hold on to your britches and grab yer smelling salts because according to one of our better connected sources one of Los Angeles' most famous real estate white elephants has been sold. According to an in-the-know ladee we'll call Mrs. Pink, The Fortress–a much discussed and often maligned glass and concrete behemoth located on curvy, swervy and dangerous to drive Sunset Plaza Drive–has fi-nah-lee been sold after nearly two years on the market and several heavy duty price chops.

Property records show the seller is Rockstar Energy Drink founder Russ Weiner who purchased the property in March of 2004 for an undisclosed price, but which we're told by Mrs. Pink was "right around six million." In January of 2007, young, rich and entrepreneurial Mister Weiner listed the property at the rather, uhm, optimistic price of $14,995,000. Over time, the price plummeted to a still high but much less shocking $8,900,000. After multiple offers and much wrangling, we're told by Mrs. Pink that the buyer forked over $8,000,000 for the approximately 9,800 square foot edifice. According to Mrs. Pink, that figure–while far, far, FAAAAR less than Mister Weiner originally wanted–still represents the highest amount ever paid for a house on Sunset Plaza, so bully to the folks who managed to put that big deal together in a quickly sinking real estate economy.

We know the children are busting at the seams wanting to know who would cough up the big bucks for such an architectural lightening rod. According to our very reliable Mrs. Pink the buyer is a 29 year old entrepreneur named Val Kolton who made his mountain of money designing, manufacturing and selling fancy portable headphones and wireless microphone devices.

The Fortress, as the house is widely and sometimes derisively called, occupies a narrow promontory formed by a hair raising hairpin turn on glitzy Sunset Plaza Drive and was designed in 1994 (and built in 1996) by noted Los Angeles architect David Lawrence Grey for a German biznessman named Peter Schindler who, according to the architect's website, desired both a private place of repose and an entertainment venue which could handle large catered parties. Whether the children like the notion of an industrial palette of glass, steel and concrete applied to residential architecture or not, Mister Grey's eponymous firm is widely known (and lauded) for designing and building these types of structures including (but not limited to) private residences in Beverly Hills, Pacific Palisades and several along the ocean in Malee-boo.

Both the main and guest houses are constructed of poured in place concrete and due to the location, geologic complexity of the site and the high cost of concrete–which is, believe it or not, kind of expensive–some say the original construction costs soared to upwards of $30,000,000. We sorta doubt that figure, but then again, what does Your Mama know about anything?

Listing information reveals main house, built in what Your Mama would call High Industrial Cathedral Sheek, includes 5 bedroom suites which means everyone gets their own private pooper. The detached and raised guest house, located across the motor court at the north end of the property, forms a sort of porte cochere entrance and contains another two guest suites perfect for housing staff, naughty teenage children or guests you don't trust in your house after dark lest they rummage through yer private things. Don't think people go through your things when you're not looking? Just try getting one of them nanny-cams pushed up a teddy bear's butt and see what you see.

Anyhoo, after a long walk down a wide and shaded walkway one enters the main house through a double-height impress the guests gallery that stretches an indoor roller skater's dream of 60 feet and features an intricately articulated sky-lit ceiling and a glass staircase leading to–ladees in dresses beware–a glass bridge on the second floor. Several cushioned seating nooks along one side of the entrance gallery and a state of the art sound and lighting system give the room an undeniable night club vibe which is probably great for having 100 of your closest friends over for cocktails and crudité, but Your Mama imagines it could be a little lonely feeling when home alone on a windy night, you know what we're saying?

The stone floored and double height living room isn't exactly what Your Mama would call a cozy room, but it takes full and impressive advantage of the site which on a clear day provides explosive views from downtown Los Angeles all the way to Catalina Island. The concrete walled dining room has dark wood floors installed on the diagonal, one of the home's three fireplaces for fireside dining and easy access to a Porsche designed all stainless steel kitchen that we are certain would send Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter's despotic housegurl Svetlana into a nuclear sized hissy fit.

Listing information indicates a state-of-the-art screening room with projector was recently installed and outfitted with blood red carpeting, beige velvet sofas and a fully stocked bar for getting slowly and comfortably drunk while viewing genre appropriate films like Bladerunner and The Terminator.

The grounds include off street parking for up to seven cars and a quiet courtyard located between the main house and motor court where koi swim contentedly in a small pond. The rear yard, which faces the really big views, includes several stone terraces, a barbecue area and a long narrow lap pool with a raised spa at the far end which appears to hover over the glittering lights of the city. Whether one likes (or appreciates) the architectural chutzpah of this house or not, it goes without question that getting a scantily clad date into that spa pretty much guarantees yer gonna get lucky, which isn't such a bad thing, right?

Some of the children will recall that Mister Weiner has been trying to unload pricey properties all over Los Angeles the last couple of years. Currently on the market with an asking price of $2,500,000 (price chopped all the way down from $3,995,000) is a peach colored four story number on Franklin Avenue which has been on the market since Your Mama was cutting our damn baby teeth. Also on the market is that architectural abortion on Sierra Alta Way that the Little Purple One (Prince) once leased and which carries an improbable asking price of $17,900,000 (reduced from a shockingly high asking price of $22,000,000). As far as we know, Mister Weiner owns and occupies one of the more modest estates up in the guard gated super-mansion enclave of Beverly Park.

It appears that young Mister Kolton has also listed what property records show to be his current crib which also happens to have a Sunset Plaza Drive addy. Records show Mister Kolton picked up the 4 bedroom and 5 bathroom residence in April of 2007 for $4,625,000 and current listing information shows the property is listed at $4,200,000.

Did the children hear Your Mama gasp? That's right puppies, a few flicks of the well worn beads of Your Mama's abacus reveals that not only can young Mister Kolton afford to spend eight million clams on a new house–which we hear through the gossip grapevine he's planning on spending another million or so renovating–but he can also afford to lose a teeth chattering $425,000 selling his current residence. And that, children, is if he's lucky enough to sell the place at full asking price, a proposition that is certainly possible but somewhat doubtful in this crippled economic climate.