Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Sidney Ponson Lists Fort Lauderdale Mansion

SELLER: Sidney Ponson
LOCATION: Delmar Place, Fort Lauderdale, FL
PRICE: $4,950,000
SIZE: 6,467 square feet, 6 bedrooms, 7 full and 3 half bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Incredible 3-story 6br/7ba+3 half bath estate located 1 house from Point w/ great views of Intracoastal & Las Olas Bridge...Media room. Elevator. Fully furnished. 100' water dock.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: When we recently heard from Our Man in Florida who whispered in our big ear that some person named Sidney Ponson listed his Fort Lauderdale mansion with an asking price of $4,950,000, Your Mama had no idea who he is. None. Not one.

A few clicks on our long suffering keyboard and a quick scan across the internets revealed that the Aruban born Mister Ponson is a professional pitcher of baseballs, which pretty much explains why Your Mama did not recognize his name because, he truth is, Your Mama barely knows the difference between a baseball and a football. And you know what? We like it that way, we do not want to hear about our proud ignorance regarding these things.

Anyhoo, according to the information we pulled up on the interweb, Mister Ponson has migrated from team to team to team over the last 10 or so years and most recently signed on with the New York Yankees, a team for which he previously bandied the baseball. By all accounts Mister Ponson can really hurl a baseball but he's apparently also got a bit of a reputation as a hard living troublemaker who earned himself a couple of DUIs back in 2005 and dropped charges for assaulting an Aruban judge who was presiding over a complaint about Mister Ponson's alleged (mis)handling of a powerboat.

Property records show that Mister Ponson picked up his water front property on Delmar Place in Fort Lauderdale, FL in July of 2004 when he forked over $3,750,000 for the 6,467 square foot residence. Listing information indicates the three story house has six bedrooms and 7 full and 3 half bathrooms which means the unmarried Mister Ponson has got 10 damn terlits. Your Mama would bet our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly that his minimum wage house gurl hates him.

Listing information shows the house was all did up by some well known ladee decorator Your Mama has never heard of who filled the place with a lot of beige and brown things. Notable amenities that appear in the listing include a soaring entrance hall that looks more like some damn hotel in Moscow than a private home and a marble floored living room with a "majestic fireplace," whatever that is, and a "detailed ceiling," whatever that is. A library/study offers floor to ceiling custom bookshelves that currently hold more tchotchkes and wine bottles than books, and the gore-may kitchen features the sort of carved cabinetry and granite counter tops that well to do people who drop big bucks on over-sized faux Tuscan style mcmansions seem to favor.

In addition to the family room, which listing information reveals has a custom entertainment system where Your Mama imagines a tee-vee the size of a damn Hummer has been installed, the Ponson pad also offers a private home theater with wall to wall brown leather chairs, vaguely Art Deco-ish torchère style sconces and a screen that appears to drop down out of the ceiling.

The not particularly masculine looking master bedroom has an acre of light beige carpeting, a sitting area with a fireplace and a brocade and fringe settee, dual closets, a big ol' soaking tub, steam shower, a vanity counter and 2 water closets so the owners can do their morning dirty bizness concurrently.

Some of the more interesting features of the house, according to listing information, would be the hidden wine closet tucked under the staircase, the two laundry rooms≠1 up and 1 down–which would surely make our dictatorial house gurl Svetlana crack a rare smile, and last but not least, a panic room, a high-cost feature of increasing numbers of paranoid rich people.

Listing information also indicates the house has been outfitted with satellite tee-vee, a surround sound system, internet connections, and a private security system which can all be manipulated with the Smart House control.

Outdoor recreation facilities include a large tiled terrace on the roof above the second floor where one can stare across the Intracoastal to the Las Olas Bridge, a heated swimming pool and spa with adjacent cabana (with bathroom), an outdoor kitchen and a 100 foot long dock for parking the boat.

Your Mama certainly does not know why Mister Ponson would choose to sell his brown and beige designer done digs. Maybe he's tired of all the vacationing gays that flock to Fort Lauderdale to over tan themselves in very, very small bathing suits that leave little or nothing to the imagination. We tease. Your Mama knows Fort Lauderdale has more to offer residents and visitors than countless gay friendly and clothing optional resorts. We just don't know what those things are.

21 comments:

Anonymous said...

Mama, Can we see your Ft. Lauderdale vaction pics?

Your Mama said...

Oh hunny, no. Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter do not frequent the shores of Fort Lauderdale.

Even though South Beach is about as tired as a hooker at sunrise, if we're going to Florida, we much prefer The Raleigh.

Anonymous said...

Fort Lauderdale house prices have dropped 30 on average in the past 12 months.

What makes this place so special that idiot to want more?

Anonymous said...

30% - correction

Anonymous said...

I have been looking for a place in Fort Lauderdale/Miami Beach for over a year now, I've seen pretty much everything. In the past year that I have been looking, practically every house I looked at is still for sale with significant price reductions. The South Florida market is tanking hard so I will sit back and wait until the prices don't exist anymore hahahahah. In regards to this place, it's located in a community called Seven Isles which is part of the Las Olas Isles. It has 24 hour security but it's not a gated community. I looked at a point lot house for sale on this street. Delmar is the first isle in the community. Overall, a very nice place to live, convenient to everything.

Anonymous said...

You crack me up each and everytime.
Booking my next vacation at "The Raleigh"
Kinda Gin you drink love?

Madam Pince said...

"Majestic fireplace" reminds me of what happened in one on the pages of Carl Hiaasen's "Skin Tight." Which also took place in Florida.

Stpaulsnowman said...

Mama.......for the exposure alone, the Balacz people should comp you a suite at the Chateau Marmont!

Your Man in Florida said...

What Lauderdale has to offer: 1) is WATER. The city is/was known as "The Venice of America." Some substantial area within the city are waterways; 2) beaches that are free close and a wonder mix of ground up sea shells and coral.

If you enjoy very decent winters, an outdoor life, and have good storm shutters on the living quarters: then Lauderdale is for YOU.

Anonymous said...

Generic.

Tracy said...

I bet a 5 foot wide flat screen slides up from that giant console at the foot of the bed.

Starck Mad said...

I just DON'T get the fascination with the carved wood, the swag drapes over the tub, etc......it just seems like someone stayed in the 'presidential' suite of some Holiday Inn, and said 'THAT'S what I want in my house!"

It's obviously very subjective, but give me a Floridian Morris Lapidus interior anytime.
Or better yet, a 1/8 scale version of the Getty Center with some Hadid furniture.

ALPHA said...

Fort Lauderdale is a little slice of heaven.Me thinks Sidney is delusional however if he thinks someone is gonna meet his asking price.He's GOTTA sell anyway.The drunkard has'nt been able to keep a regular job for half his career.Price chopped SOON.

Anonymous said...

Florida is down 40%. This Sidney needs to wake up (asshole)

wannabagirl said...

YUP, ft liquordale, home of the nearly dead to the newly wed, to cop an old cliche. IMHO the alternate lifestyle gang has only enhanced the area..... been going for 40 years, always wanted to live there but every time I seriously looked the prices were going stupid. perhaps my patience will be rewarded yet.....

Anonymous said...

Any decent lot or teardown is close to $3 million if you are on the deep water access with 100' dock in Fort Lauderdale. This will sit for a long time, but it will eventually sell for good money. The 30-40% drop in the South Florida market is almost entirely condos and homes under $500k. People spending over $2 million are not as desparate to walk away from their house and therefore don't sell if they don't get an acceptable price. You are dealing with the "haves and have nots".

I've had multiple family generations in Fort Lauderdale and it truly is Venice in the US. The only thing better than owning a water front lot is adding a 100'+ yacht in your back yard!

Anonymous said...

The Galleria at sunrise , the I 95 and lauderdale by the sea

lil' gay boy said...

The architecture, decor, landscaping, view, etc. all underwhelm.

Anonymous said...

What is the point of writing "your mama" at the beginning of every sentence? It gets old pretty fast.

FallenAngel! said...

Enjoy Sidney Ponson photos . (or try link http://themapicus.com/sidney-ponson.html for photos )

Anonymous said...

it is nice but overpriced