Happy New Year!

Your Mama wishes all the children a happy, healthy, safe and prosperous New Year.

Now go out and get drunk like you're supposed to on New Year's Eve.

Just don't drink and drive babies because that's as stoopid as stoopid can be.

See y'all in the New Year.

Your Mama Hears...

...that the still pin thin and Bel Air bred celebutant Nicole Ritchie finally managed to get her baby daddy Joel Madden to move from his long time home in suburban seeming Glendale, CA.

According to several of our secret sources, the young and tattooed twosome (plus baby Harlow makes three) decamped to a Spanish Villa in the hills above Hollywood. It appears to Your Mama from listing information we dug up that the couple are forking over $6,500 per month to lease their new crib in the celebrity friendly Outpost Estates area. A bit more research shows the recently renovated house was built in 1930, includes 3 bedrooms, 3 terlits and measures in at 2,325 square feet. Listing information also indicates the property features a gated driveway, several covered terraces for sipping champagne in the shade, gorgeous drought tolerant landscaping and an elevated viewing terrace for taking in the glittering lights of Hollywood below.

Other famous residents of the Outpost Estates include (but are certainly not limited to) recently wed Scarlett Johansson, House's Hugh Laurie and married actors Felicity Huffman and William H. Macy.

Danja Mixes It Up on Mulholland Drive

BUYER: Floyd Nathaniel Hills, aka Danja
LOCATION: Mulholland Drive, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $2,925,000
SIZE: 4,850 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 4.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: ...this totally private, walled and gated home, with a jaw dropping view, was created for lavish or intimate entertaining. The versatile floor plan provides potential for 2 master bedrooms. Featuring a state-of-the-art kitchen, walls of glass, resort style poolside area, a floating staircase, high Venetian plastered walls for an art collection, 6 car motor court and lush landscaping with handsome olive trees...

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: A couple of weeks ago we received a covert communique from a tipster we'll call Patty Cake who informed us that a Grammy winning music producer, composer and songwriter named Danja picked up a new house on Mulholland Drive. Of course, Your Mama had never heard of a person with such a name so we took to the internets where we learned that along with his super-producer mentor Timbaland, this Danja person co-produced 10 of the 12 tracks of Justin Timberlake's Future Sex/Love Sounds album as well as having produced six tracks on Britney Spears middle of the crazies record Blackout and more recently produced a couple of tracks for on the mental mend Miss Spears' chart topping comeback album Circus. Mister Danja, whose real name is Floyd Nathaniel Hill, has also worked with big name musical artistes like Madonna, Mariah, Cassie and some chick named Ciara.

Property records showed that in November of 2008 young Mister Danja–a monikor we presume rhymes with ganga–forked over $2,925,000 of his new found paper for a freshly rehabbed split level contemporary style house at the top of Laurel Canyon on twisty, turny and often very busy Mulholland Drive.

Listing information Your Mama accessed show the house was once listed as high as $4,380,000 before being reduced to $3,495,000. Which means, of course, that Mister Danja and his financial peeps negotiated an impressively prodigious price reduction on the 5 bedroom and 4.5 bathoom house that measures in at (approx.) 4,850 square feet.

Listing information also reveals the walled and gated property offers off-street parking for six shiny whips in the motor court and another two spinners in the garages. The front doors, flanked by a couple of lovely olive trees, open to a rather large and somewhat disturbingly amorphous "great room" with travertine floors, one of the three fireplaces, and floor to ceiling windows that draw the eye balls towards the explosive view over the San Fernando Valley.

The kitchen features a gigantic work island large enough to perform an autopsy at the very same time Chef prepares a four course dinner. The cherry-looking cabinetry is topped by what appears to be two different types of counter tops and there is, natch, a full suite of top grade stainless steel appliances inclues a double Viking brand oven. A breakfast area is contained in a curving and (nearly) frameless wall of glass overlooking the swimming pool.

Listing information indicates that 1 of the 5 bedrooms can be used as a staff suite and 2 of the other bedrooms can be utilized as master bedrooms so it would seem that Mister Danja has his choice of where he'd like to lay his pretty little head down at night. One of the master suites is comprised of a large bedroom (with a way too tiny tee-vee mounted to the wall opposite the bed which will make porno viewing rather difficult) and a marble clad bathroom with a separate tub and party sized shower.

We think (but can no confirm) that the room with all the heinous brown leather furniture is the other potential master suite. If the children look hard with their peepers they'll note what appears to be an entire wall of mirrored closet doors. While that may be appealing to all the people who like to watch themselves fornicate, it's a rather unappealing feature from a design snob's perspective.

The back yard hangs over the hillside and includes a curving crescent shaped swimming pool with a small waterfall. We do not notice a spa, which is rather unfortunate because we can imagine it make it easy for Mister Danja to coax all the star fucking wanna be singer ladees out of their itty bitty bikinis after a few Rémy Martins in a spa overlooking the glittering lights of the valley. But alas...

George Furla Selling in Los Angeles Too

SELLER: George Furla
LOCATION: Clinton Street, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $2,295,000
SIZE: 4,417 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: ...Exquisite Mediterranean Villa built in 2006. Grand entry w/ wrought iron staircase, walnut floors, exposed beams & arched doorways. Gourmet eat-in kitchen w/ center island, granite counter tops, stainless Viking appliances. Beautiful dining room. Living room w/ FP opens to pool, fountain & sitting area w/ FP. Surround sound throughout. Master w/ FP. Lower level w/ fabulous game rm. & direct access to garage.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Last week the venerable Wall Street Journal reported in their Private Properties column that film producer George Furla listed his 6,220 square foot unfinished penthouse in Chicago with an asking price of $3,495,000. Well, thanks to a covert communique from a fine friend we'll call Windycity Willie, Your Mama has learned that Mister Furla is also trying (rather unsuccessfully) to unload his house in Los Angeles which has been on the market for nearly a year and is currently listed at $2,295,000.

We'd never heard of Mister Furla and after a look-see at his rehzoomay we quickly understood why. The man is responsible for producing a long laundry list of films neither Your Mama nor the Dr. Cooter have ever heard of nor would dream of paying good money to see in an actual thee-ay-ter establishment. They include (but are far from limited to) cinematic jewels such as Major Movie Star, Righteous Kill, Day of the Dead, the most recent Rambo disaster as well as some movie called Lonely Hearts that starring be-wigged Scientologist John Travolta.

Anyhoo, a peek into property records reveals that Mister Furla purchased a property on Los Angeles' Clinton Street (is this actually West Hollywood?) in August of 2006 for $2,229,000. Prop records show the Andalusian style residence measures 3,874 square feet with 5 bedrooms and 4 bathrooms while listing information indicates it sprawls across 4,417 square feet and includes just 4 bedrooms and 4 bathrooms. Who knows why the discrepancy.

Listing information reveals that in addition to the 4 bedrooms and 4 terlits, the 3 story home was built in 2006, has three fireplaces (living room, master bedroom and outdoor sitting area), subterranean parking for two cars with direct access into the house and a surround sound system that pumps music (or muzak if you prefer) throughout the house.

Other amenities includes a living room that opens to the swimming pool (which is actually in the front yard as there isn't a rear yard), walnut, stone and tile floors, lots of wrought iron detailing, exposed beams, and a gore-may kitchen outfitted with dark cabinets, beige granite counter tops and a full suite of stainless steel Viking appliances including a wine refrigerator that looks almost exactly like the two we have (one for white, one for red) where the Dr. Cooter keeps the vino collection chilled to appropriate temperatures.

The basement level is where the game room is located. We know many people like these game rooms but Your Mama hates them. If we want to play pool we're gonna head on down to some dicey pool hall in a not very nice part of town where there's always a risk we're going to get a beat down by one of the beer soaked and overweight regulars.

The front of Mister Furla's property is fully hedged, which is a good thing as it fronts very busy Crescent Heights Boulevard and sits just a hop, skip and a jump from the pricey and celebrity friendly Fred Segal shopping emporium on Melrose. The plunge pool and party sized spa are complemented by an arched tile water fountain that spits water into the swimming pool and helps to cut down on the traffic noise.

Listing information we received from one of our cohorts shows the house was put on the market nearly a year ago (!!) at $3,195,000 and has since had the asking price karate chopped down a stunning $900,000 to it's current asking price of $2,295,000, a number that will surely leave Mister Furla in the financial hole should he manage to get anywhere near the asking price. The listing clearly states the seller is motivated and wants the house sold right away, so word to the wise for all you pee-pole with a couple million to spend on a nearly new Mediterranean on a teeny tiny lot so close to West Hollywood you can practically smell the poppers wafting on the breeze.

Another Housewife Bites the Real Estate Dust

SELLER: Bob and Sheree Whitfield
LOCATION: 5525 Long Island Drive, Atlanta, GA
PRICE: $2,850,000 (off market)
SIZE: 8,903 square feet, 6 bedrooms, 8 full and 2 half bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Benecki built resale home on large private gated lot. Quality throughout, nanny suite with separate entrance located over garages.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Listen children, we know what you are thinking and we do not want to hear it. Your Mama is well aware we are scraping the bottom of the celebrity real estate barrel here. But, see, we just can't help ourselves. Unfortunately for y'all, we woke up with a burning need to discuss the real estate doings of a smarmy Georgia peach named Sheree Whitfield who recently listed her suburban Atlanta mansion with an asking price of $2,850,000.

If the children will put on their reality tee-vee thinking caps they will recall that Miz Sheree Whitfield–whose claim to fame is that she is the ex-wife of pro-footballer Bob Whitfield–recently appeared on the hair raising boob-toob pièce de résistance The Real Housewives of Atlanta.

During each episode of this masterpiece of reality television, we were treated to Miz Sheree prancing her over-sized ego all around Atlanta in her her giant Range Rover acting as if she was the classiest and most dignified high society bee-hawtcha that ever walked the damn Phipps Plaza mall. Pleeze. And do not even get Your Mama started about Miz Sheree and her nascent "She by Sheree" clothing line because we would hate to burst Miz Sheree's self-indulgent bubble by saying that being a hardcore hobby shopper does not a fashion designer make.

Well children, the laws of gravity say that goes up must come down and according to the gossip grapevine, poor Miz Sheree is going down. Not only is she in effect being booted from her Atlanta mansion, some Atlanta-based scuttlebutters are snickering that she's bouncing checks all over Atlanta. Oh dear. Now puppies, we don't know if that shit is true or if it's just a bunch of wagging tongues, but it is what folks are whispering about Miz I'm So Much Better Than You.

Property records for the Whitfield's 1.81 acre estate on Long Island Drive NW show it was purchased in August of 2000 for $2,395,000 and the snarky children will note with some righteous eyebrow raising that the property was owned solely by Mister Whitfield and that Miz Sheree's name never appeared on the paperwork for the property. That's right puppies. Neh. Vah. Which means, of course, Sassy Sheree never actually owned the house and was merely squatting there until her dee-vorce was settled. Well, ain't that interesting?

Anyhoo, listing information for the house Sheree calls home shows it measures in at a good sized 8,903 square feet and includes 6 bedrooms and 8.5 bathrooms, a count which we assume includes the nanny quarters above the garage.

In addition to the ballroom sized living room with its elaborately stenciled ceilings, dark stained wood floors and King Arthur-esque furnishings, the sprawling English cottage style mansion includes a modest sized dining room with a faux paint treatment, all manner of crystal lighting fixtures and, gack!, red velvet curtains that look to Your Mama like something she purchased at a yard sale of an upscale bordello in Reno, Nevada.

Besides the copious knickknacks cluttering up the counter tops, the bronze colored ceiling, all that stoopid crap shoved up in the ceiling corners and the bird's nest up in the chandelier, the fully equipped kitchen really isn't so bad. The stainless steel appliances includes twin dishwashers, a mac-daddy Viking range and a double wide SubZero refridgerator/freezer, all good things.

The commodious but low ceilinged family room features more faux paint treatments, a giant beige sectional sofa, an intricately carved and ass uglee coffee table and and even uglier pool table with crazy carved up legs. Somewhere in the house is a home gym with all manner of exercise contraptions of the sort Your Mama scrupulously avoids, a fully mirrored wall where Miz Sheree can admire her toned and tight middle-aged boo-tox, and another faux paint treatment on the walls. Listen Miz Sheree, let Your Mama give you a word of deco-raytin' advice. Just because you like the faux paint treatment your nice gay decorator did in the dining room does not mean you should have him do up the entire house that way. Your Mama's boozy pal Fiona Trambeau calls that sort of thing, "Flooding the car." Think about it.

The gated grounds include a crushed stone driveway which terminates in a small motor court where the front door stands opposite the four-car garage. Out back is a large and attractive rectangular shaped swimming pool surrounded by a stone terrace that includes an outdoor fireplace and peek-aboo views of a small pond.

Listing information now shows the Whitfield house is currently "off market." We don't know if that means Sheree is stayin' put or if, more likely, it means she's a little peeved about the publicity she's getting for having to so publicly downsize her lifestyle. Them's the breaks when you put yerself on tee-vee Miz Sheree.

Naturally, Your Mama does not have a clue where Miz Sheree will reside when and if this house gets sold but we're pretty sure that her be-weaved blond gurl friend Kim Zolciak would let her and the kids shack up in her 3,396 square foot condo on Bent Tree View in Duluth, GA that records show she purchased in January of 2006 for $486,000.

Listen puppies, we know we sound like a catty bitch talking nasty about Miz Sheree. And we are. However, there is nuthin' more loathsome to Your Mama than a person who will (fake) smile at your face and then turn around and wag his or her vicious tongue to anyone with ears. And that's exactly what Miz Sheree did week after week on the first season of The Real Housewives of Atlanta. And we can hardly wait until season two begins to see more bee-hawtcha back-biting and learn more about Miz Sheree's lowered circumstances.

Victoria Gotti's Hot Mess of a Mansion Hits the Market

SELLER: Victoria Gotti
LOCATION: Birch Hill Court, Old Westbury, NY
PRICE: $3,500,000
SIZE: 5 bedrooms, 5.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: This exquisite custom brick estate with Old World charm and elaborate detail on 4 acres of magnificent property was built in 1993 and features a pool with cascading waterfalls, guest/cabana house, gazebo with pond, stable/paddock, 4 car garage, fountains, children's playground, tennis court.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: If the Long Island children will simmer down and listen very closely they can probably hear all the lock-jawed blue bloods in old money Old Westbury, NY sitting around their exclusive (and "restricted") country clubs quietly clinking their brandy snifters at in celebration that mafia princess turned gossip writer turned novelist Victoria Gotti has listed her 4 acre estate with an asking price of $3,500,000.

According to the gurls at Newsday, this is far from the first time Miz Gotti, a questionably klassy ladee who once pretended to have breast cancer, has attempted to unload her mafia-style mansion on the North Shore of Long Island. First listed in 2003, then 2005 and again in 2006, the over-processed property once carried an asking price of $4,800,000.

Property records show that weavetastic Miz Gotti and her former huzband Carmine Agnello (who was, surprise!, jailed in the year 2000 for racketeering) purchased the Birch Hill Court property in 1989 for $175,000 and proceeded to build one of the ass-ugliest mansions Your Mama has ever had the displeasure of laying eyes on.

Miz Gotti reportedly shares her Old Westbury estate with her three college age cugines (Carmine Jr, John and Frank) who revealed themselves to be nearly inarticulate, obscenely entitled and wildly ill-mannered morons on the family's lurid and stomach churning reality tee-vee program Growing Up Gotti which has, thankfully, been cancelled. Even Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter, who are unashamed and unrepentant reality program addicts could not sit through an entire episode of that television train wreck.

Anyhoo, listing information for Miz Gotti's estate indicates the two story house (plus finished basement) of indeterminate and completely whacked architectural pedigree includes 5 bedrooms and 5.5 bathrooms while property records show the house measures 5,739 square feet with 7 full and 2 half bathrooms. Your Mama can not account for the terlit count difference, but it may be the larger pooper count includes bathing and evacuating facilities in the detached guest house/cabana which looks like some half-assed, please poke our eyes out with a stick attempt at re-creating the damn Parthenon.

Listing information reveals the fully landscaped property, which rather unfortunately backs up to the service road of the very bizzy and very loud Long Island Expressway, includes double drive gates, a large motor court, any number of fountains, a cascading waterfall, dark-bottomed swimming pool, vast (featureless and furnitureless) paver-tiled patios and terraces, long stretches of lawn, a gazebo occupying on a small island in the middle of a private pond (gack!), stables and paddocks for the horsey types, a children's playground, a tennis court, a damn go-kart track and a 4 car garage for all the Gotti family's many mafia-mobiles.

While the puzzling and perplexing exterior has Your Mama's hair standing on end, it's really the interior spaces that make us go all glassy eyed, slack jawed an in desperate need of a large nerve pill and a gigantic gin and tonic. Guests, associates, buttons and compares are greeted in an entrance hall with a too-low looking ceiling and twin curving staircases where Miz Gotti can make dramatic entrances with her white pant suits, deep decolletage and riotous Rapunzel like tresses. The large living room features wood floors (that look like they might be cherry) a grand piano (that we'd bet our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly has never been touched by the Gotti boys), all manner of over-stuffed chintz sofas, funeral home style drapery, and perhaps most unsettling of all, an entire wall completely covered with floor to ceiling mirrors. Who does that? Seriously. Who? The dining room ceiling, like that of the living room, has been stenciled with flowers, an affectation that makes Your Mama gag a little, inlaid wood floors and more funeral home style drapery.

The kitchen, with its tile floor and mirrored built-in buffet/display cabinet, is clearly in need of a complete overhaul and Your Mama does not even know what to make of those curly-cue iron stools that have been pulled up to the pill shaped work island, but we sincerely recommend they be taken out with yesterday's garbage because they are making our back ache just lookin' attem.

While Miz Gotti's office with its fireplace, inlaid floors and black walls almost (we stress the word almost) passes muster for not being completely vomit worthy, we are completely over-whelmed by the decorative tragedy of Miz Gotti's boudoir and private bathroom. For some reason, some misguided decorator has draped and swagged yard after yard after yard of gauzy textiles over Miz Gotti's four poster bed which sits, as you might well imagine, on a pedestal. The eagle eyed children will note how the swoopy chaise lounge at the foot of the bed appears to hang over the edge of the pedestal. Niiiihce. Miz Gotti's rose and gold colored bathroom is quite possibly one of the most upsetting examples of a bathroom on which we have ever laid our beady little eyes. How much do the children want to bet that all those floral arrangements are silk or plastic dust catchers? We'd also like to direct the children's limited attentions the baseboard heating elements which are certainly not what we expect to see in a multi-million dollar mansion, even on Long Island where baseboard heating is as common as sand at the beach.

There's a saying in real estate which is that, "Every lid has a pot." However, Your Mama imagines that only another mobbed up family with a few million clams stashed in a hidden compartment in their late model Escalade will find this is the right pot for their over the top design luvvin' lid.

None the less, we wish Miz Gotti and her three cretin kids all the luck in the world selling her real estate white elephant and respectfully request she not send any of her deceased father's former enforcers out looking for Your Mama's and/or the Dr. Cooter's knee caps. Capeesh?

Happy Holidays!

Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter wish all the Children a Happy Christmas, Merry Kwanzaa, Joyous Chanukah or whatever damn holiday it is you celebrate this time of year.

Today Is A Travel Day...

...so unfortunately y'all are going to have to go without your daily fix of Your Mama's celebrity real estate sass. We'll be back attcha as soon as we can.

Is Michael Jackson on the Move?

According to the good folks at gossip juggernaut TMZ, fallen pop music icon Michael Jackson recently leased a humongous house in the posh Holmby Hills section of Los Angeles for a staggering $100,000 per month.

According to property records, the lavish and exuberantly decorated pile on N. Carolwood Drive is owned by Roxanne Guez who is (or was, we don't know) married to Hubert Guez, a somewhat controversial bizness man who made his millions manufacturing apparel in Mexico for all sorts of recognizable mass market brands. Mister Guez now serves as the CEO of a coterie of clothing brands including Ed Hardy and Christian Audiger.

Listing information we ferreted out shows the 3- story Richard Landry designed "French Chateau" style estate was built in 2002, measures in at a whopping 17,171 square feet and includes 7 bedrooms and an unlucky 13 terlits. Until sometime last week, the fit for a Saudi royal property was listed for sale with a blistering asking price of $38,000,000.

Other amenities of the gated and heavily fortified estate include subterranean garaging, 12 fireplaces, an impress-the-guests style entrance hall with a curving staircase, formal living and dining rooms, a wood paneled den with adjoining library, a theater room, a gore-may kitchen with eating area, family room and, of course, a wine cellar where The White Lady can store his rare collection of Julio and Gallo "Jesus Juice."

The 1.26 acre property includes a heated swimming pool (which we can't imagine Mister Jackson can use due to his various skin conditions) and an adjacent guest house for whatever handlers, minders and sycophants he still has on his payroll.

Of course, Your Mama don't know nuthin' about nuthin' but what we do know is that according to information we received, the house in question was indeed leased for $100,000 per month. But as of early this a.m. we're just not sure if it was (or was not) leased to Mister Jackson.

Although Mister Jackson has leased houses in Los Angeles in the past, including a big tacky thing up on Shadow Hill Way, Your Mama can't imagine why Mister Jackson would leave his relatively incognito digs in Las Vegas and come to Los Angeles, land of marauding paparazzi, can you?

Calvin Klein Wants to do His Part to Stimulate the Economy

The financial markets are in turmoil, a man named Bernard Madoff (allegedly) made $50,000,000,000 of other people money disappear in a spectacular Ponzi scheme, the credit markets are locked up tight, the banks and car companies are rattling their tin cups all up and down Pennsylvania Avenue and sixty-something year old bisexual fashion icon Calvin Klein applied to the town of Southampton to demolish the 50,000 square foot oceanfront mansion he bought five years ago for nearly $30,000,000 and replace it with a more modern, more minimalist, more fabulous, and, for him, more modest 17,500 square foot glass and concrete beach hut.

Ain't it nice to be filthy, stinking, up to your ears in money rich children?

Some pre-Christmas Nashville Niceness

SELLERS: Benjamin Sohr and Genifer Goodman Sohr
LOCATION: Stanford Drive, Nashville, TN
PRICE: $899,000
SIZE: 4,100 square feet (approx.), 5 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Modern Rustic on over 2 wooded acres, moments from Green Hills, this log home has been re-imagined with a modern twist. Clean lines & traditional craftsmanship combine to create a property that is stunning and unique...soon to be featured in Domino magazine..."Boutique" master suite features his and her baths, separate walk-in closets and large shower/steam room. All bathrooms have been completely redesigned with premium fixtures. Four plus bedrooms. Multiple outdoor spaces create an ideal setting to entertain.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Believe it or not, Nashville, TN ain't all about country music stars wearing ropers and tight Wranglers stuffed with pocketfuls of money. Thanks to a fine gentleman we call Neville Nashvegas, Your Mama has learned that the much lauded aesthetes Benjamin Sohr and Genifer Goodman Sohr have recently listed their Nashville nest with an asking price of $899,000.

We understand that most people will not have any idea who these two people are. However the design minded married couple are certainly well known to all the retail queens, designs queens and dedicated readers of glossy and gleaming shelter magazines like Elle Decor, Better Homes & Gardens, Domino and etc. That's because wherever these two live, their luscious and lovely living quarters wind up photographed and published in any number of magazines and discussed on any number of blogs.

As we understand, Miz Goodman currently holds (or used to) a high powered position at panty purveyor Victoria's Secret–a company for which Your Mama once toiled in the trenches–and Mister Sohr, a trained architect, did (or maybe still does) work for the Gap or Banana Republic or one of those other San Francisco based mass retailers. Several years ago the couple left the glitz and glamour of big city life to move to Nashville, TN where they made babies and opened a shop and day-spa called Favorite. It's unclear to Your Mama if that bizness is still in operation? Can any in the know Nashvillians give us an assist on that?

In October of 2007, the couple purchased a house in the fancy Forest Hills area of suburban Nashville where, until recently, nearby neighbors included Grammy winning singing sensations LeAnn Rimes and Keith Urban along with his Academy Award winning and frozen faced wife Nicole Kidman (who denies having any work done on her face). Anyhoo, property records show the Sohr paid $600,000 for their 2+ acre property and Stanford Drive. Now, just over a year later, the updated, upgraded and modernized log cabin style abode is back on the market. We'll leave the children to their own speculations and conclusions as to why.

Listing information indicates the two-story residence measures in at approximately 4,100 square feet although prop records show 2,934 square feet. Neville Nashvegas whispered that the couple expanded the sixe of the house during renovations. There are, according to listing information, 4-5 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms including a "boutique" style master suite with dual bathrooms, dual closet/dressing rooms and an always appealing to Your Mama steam shower.

There appear to be several living rooms, several stone faced fireplaces, massive amounts of meticulously maintained woodwork and a sleek new kitchen (probably designed by Mister Sohr) with a spectacular 14-foot long work island with a Corian counter top that does double duty as a breakfast table. Who doesn't love double duty design?

While no house is perfect and no one house can please everyone, this well edited (and almost funky) abode comes mighty close with its successful merger of mid-century, modern and rustic day-core. As far as Your Mama is concerned, and considering that the house was scrubbed and polished for the photographs, the Sohrs–being the talented creative types that they are–have managed to straddle the precarious and dangerous line between looking like a magazine layout and having enough personal items and quirky knick knacks to make it look like a house in which people can and actually do live.

Plus, did y'all see the laundry room? We'd give our left leg for a laundry room like that.

Property records show this is not the first or only house the couple have owned in Nashville. Back in August of 2003 the couple bought a different house which they still appear to own and, interestingly, the couple also own a banal tract house in the unlikely and not particularly design-savvy San Joaquin Valley metropolis of Fresno, CA, which just happens to be one of the most murderous cities in the entire country.

UPDATE: Oprah Winfrey

Although the NY Post reported this morning that The Big O was sniffing around for some real estate in Washington D.C. so that she could be closer to her presidential buddy Barak Obama, her spokes people say it ain't so.

We still see an ambassadorship in her future. Maybe not this term, but next term. You watch.

Paris Hilton's House Robbed

Listen puppies, we are somewhat loathe to discuss hotel heiress Paris Hilton, because she and her breed of celebrity are so completely over (o-vah!) that we can't stand it. However, the L.A. Times reported this morning that Miss Hilton's mansion in the guard gated Mulholland Estates community was robbed last night and that the hoodie wearing heister made off with two million dollars worth of jewelry and other belongings.

Two millions dollars worth of jewelry? We absolutely do not condone robbery nor do we think Miss Hilton deserves to have all her bling burgled from her Bev Hills home, which is really in Sherman Oaks but has a 90210 zip code. But seriously children, what moron keeps two million dollars worth of jewelry at home? That shit belongs in a safe deposit box, or at very least stashed away in a hidden, camouflaged and well secured safe behind a credenza in the dining room.

The robbery is reported to have occurred at 5am this morning and Miss Hilton was not home at the time of the break in. Wonder where she was at 5 o'clock in the a.m. on a wintery Friday morning?

Given that Miss Hilton's home–which has been outfitted with its own private nightclub in the basement–is equipped with video security as are the communities gates, it's quite likely the brazen burglar will be identified and have the axe of the law brought down on him right quick. Or not.

The break in is not believed to be related to the long string of robberies that have plagued the swank West Side communities of Bel Air, Beverly Hills and the Holmby Hills the last number of years.

Other residents of the Mulholland Estates are rumored and reported to include former boy-bander Robbie Williams, former Beach Boy Brian Wilson, former letter turner Vanna White and former john Charlie Sheen.

Is Oprah House Hunting In D.C.?

Apparently, when you make a spine tingling, eye popping, knee rattling $250,000,000 a year you do not stay in a pricey and posh ho-tel when visiting your friend Barak Obama in the White House.

Oh no. You just buy a damn house in Washington D.C. Or at least that's what the rumor mills are saying about La Winfrey. Would anyone really be surprised if she scooped up a gorgeous house in Georgetown or Sheridan-Kalorama?

Well, Your Mama don't know nuthin' about nuthin' but we do know that if rich ladee's gonna do it, she better get on the damn stick because the inauguration is next month.

Do we smell an ambassadorship The Big O's future?

Who Wants to Rent Tony Danza's Ski House?

OWNER: Tony Danza
LOCATION: Silver Lake Drive, Park City, UT
PRICE: For rent, short term, at unknown price
SIZE: 5,000 square feet (as per listing), 4 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Large, multi-level ski in/out executive home on the slopes of Upper Deer Valley Resort. Beautifully appointed and furnished with stunning views of the surrounding mountains and the Park City valley below. Spectacular "Great Room" with floor to ceiling picture windows and stone fireplace, and adjoining Den with state of the art entertainment system. Amenities, among others, include an elevator serving all the levels and a large wrap around patio/deck with private hot tub overlooking the mountain scenery and the ski run.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: We don't normally have the opportunity to discuss properties in the Morman stronghold state of Utah, so when we received a covert communique from the always informative Aerial Dave that former boxer turned hot bodied ack-tor turned annoying talk show host Tony Danza had put his Park City, UT ski chalet up a a short term seasonal rental, well, Your Mama couldn't resist.

However, after having a look-see at the 4+ floor ski in/ski out house located on Silver Lake Drive in the Upper Deer Valley Resort, we rather wished we hadn't.

The property records we accessed do not reveal the purchase date or price paid by the now dee-vorced Mister and Missus Danza. However, records do show the stone and cedar residence was built in 1989 and, from the look of the dee-pressingly out-dated day-core, we'd guess it was around that time. Puzzlingly, property records show the house measures 2,532 square feet (with an additional 1,448 square feet in the basement), while listing information indicates it measures approximately 5,000 square feet. We don't have any idea which is accurate, but it certainly looks to be closer to 5,000 square feet than 2,532 square feet, don't it?

Listing information for the seasonal short term rental does not indicate what kind of dollars Mister Danza is asking for the privilege of utilizing his vacation home. However, we'd bet our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly it ain't cheap.

In addition to the four bedrooms and 4 bathrooms, listing information states the interior spaces include a great room with soaring ceilings and a gas-assist fireplace, a large "gourmet equipped" kitchen (puh-leeze), and an adjoining den with a "state of the art entertainment system" that, apparently, includes a large screen projection tee-vee. Your Mama only spots a puny boob-toob sitting on the built in wall cabinet, but perhaps the big screen is located out of frame. Thankfully, an elevator serves all floors because after a long day with a pair of long sticks strapped to our feet, the last thing Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter want to do aprés ski is climb stairs. Listing information also states the Danza digs are "beautifully appointed and furnished," two things which are clearly in the eyes of the beholder.

The exterior spaces include a heated driveway, which is appealing since our bossy house gurl Svetlana emphatically puts her size 11 Ugg boot down hat shoveling snow. A large wrap around deck takes advantage of the long views over the Deer Valley, the slopes and towards the snow capped mountains beyond. An in-ground spa has been fitted into a small patio where one can soak the mogul mashed muscles after a long day of shooshing and snow plowing on the slopes.

Property records reveal that Mister Danza recently sold his Sherman Oaks, CA house for $5,000,000. It had been listed at $6,150,000. The children will recall that Mister Danza had to re-build that house after it was destroyed by the 1994 Northridge earthquake. Records and reports also show that Mister Danza continues to own a small apartment on the 27th floor of the Park Millenium in New York City, which is the same Upper West Side building where Emmy winning and Oscar nominated Alan Alda, big haired radio shock jock Howard Stern, and television's most annoying talk show host Regis Philbin also own apartments.

A peep into the property records reveals that many famous folks and high profile people own houses in the Park City/Deer Valley area including former Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney who shacks up in a 9,514 square foot house on Rising Star Lane, trashy talk show host Montel Williams who owns a modest house on Flint Way, network news anchor Charlie Gibson who owns an 8,245 square foot house on Bald Eagle Drive, smooth chested actor Scott Wolf (Party of Five, Everwood) own a place on Silver Cloud Drive, and former toke titan Cheech Marin owns a house on Thaynes Canyon Drive.

Michelle Branch is Flipping Out in Nashville

SELLER: Michelle Branch
LOCATION: Forsythe Place, Nashville, TN
PRICE: $1,285,000
SIZE: 3,706 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 4.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: ...Superior construction. Modern floor plan. Lots of natural light. Cathedral ceilings and large rooms. Wonderful kitchen with all Viking appliances. 4 extra large bedrooms. Master on main level. Cultured stone exterior. Slate roof and copper gutters. Private patio and backyard.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: It was only in early February of 2008 that Your Mama discussed a relatively modest house in the swank and leafy Belle Meade area of Nashville, TN that grammy winning singer/songwriter Michelle Branch bought for what records show was $1,350,000.

Thanks to our guy in Nashville–a man who happily calls himself The Nashville House Whore–we've recently learned that twenty something year old Miz Branch has flipped her Forsythe Place property back on to the market with an asking price of $1,285,000. That's right children, it does not take a lengthy consultation with our bejeweled abacus to understand that Miz Branch is attempting to sell her 3,706 square foot Nashville nest for $65,000 LESS than she paid for it less than one year ago. Hmm. Inneresting. She must really want to be selling this place.

Anyhoo, listing information shows the cultured stone faced residence includes 4.5 terlits and four large bedrooms, including a main floor master suite with vaulted wood ceiling, a dressing area with custom cabinetry and a cattle trough style free standing bathtub. As nice as that tub looks, Your Mama don't care to sit in a pool of our own filth. However, we thinks we see a party sized (steam?) shower, a feature all the straight swingers and horny homosexuals can appreciate and make good use of.

Other main floor rooms include a large entrance and stair hall, a living room with fireplace, vaulted ceilings and a giant taxidermy buffalo head stuck up on the wall. Maybe it's just Your Mama, be we don't think it's good karma to have dead animals nailed up on the wall around the house. The formal dining room has been all done up and did over in chocolate brown and white with a contemporary chandelier playfully working against cane backed Louis the Something style chairs. We are definitely not feeling those giant linen covered wing back chairs shoved into the corners. We don't know why, but they kind of make Your Mama feel sad.

The fully kitted out eat in kitchen includes a giant pantry and successfully works the line between modern and country with a full complement of stainless steel Viking appliances and a celery colored work island that we're sure is brand-spankin' new but still looks like it could have (or was meant to look like it) walked out of a 100 year old farmhouse.

At the top of the stairs is a room that Miz Branch and Mister Landau have set up as a cozy room for watching the tee-vee with cozy looking twin linen covered sofas. We covet that trio of blown glass bottles sitting on the coffee table. Listing information indicates that two of the three secondary bedrooms have private terlits, a set up Miz Branch's over night guests surely appreciated.

Several sets of french doors open the house to the back yard where stone terraces have been furnished with sitting and dining areas. Since Nashville can get a bit toasty in the summer, we'd prefer a bit more shade over the terraces, but it's nothing that a few well placed market umbrellas can't fix.

Listen children, this house is nothing like the sort of house or the kind of day-core Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter want to live in and with and it's certainly not without a couple of rough (but easily remedied) rough spots. However, we'd be a fool if we coulnd not recognize that this place looks fantastic, like a house actual people could live in. We don't know what nice gay decorator did up Miz Branch's dee-lish looking digs, but whomever it was did a very nice job and clearly earned every penny and dollar it cost Miz Branch.

Property records and previous reports on Miz Branch's real estate doings reveal that she and her much older huzband Teddy Landau sold their Calabasas, CA crib in September of 2007 for $2,940,000. In mid-2006, according to reports, the May-December couple forked over $290,000 to purchase a condo in the Werthan Lofts in the Germantown area of Nashville. As far as we can tell, she still owns that place.

Your Mama Hears...

...From Malee-boo Mary that aging Aussie songtress Olivia Newton John is thisclose to finally selling her house up in Malee-boo's guard gated Serra Retreat where other famous folks like Kelsey Grammar and Mel Gibson own high priced properties. All the children with memories not obliterated by booze will recall that Miz Newton John has been trying to unload her Retreat Court mansion for an damn ice age.

Miz Newtown John's 6,482 square foot residence, which happens to be across the street from Titanic director James Cameron's compound and right next door to Britney Spears and Kevin Federline's former marital house of horrors, first came on the market just over a year ago with an asking price of $14,000,000. The asking price was chopped to $12,500,000 and then $11,495,000 before it recently disappeared from the MLS. We heard at that point that Miz Newton John was hoping to at least lease the white elephant out so she could high-tail it down to Florida to be with her new huzband, a man Malee-boo Mary hissingly called "a snake oil salesman."

None the less, Malee-boo Mary SWEARS on her well manicured and air-brushed acrylic fingernails that Miz Newton John is selling her house at a considerable discount to another couple who already live in Malee-boo.

We can't verify a property transfer at this point, but Your Mama did get on the horn with another of our well connected sources out by the beach–this one we'll call Malee-boo Mary Too–who also confirmed that the rumored off-market sale is working its way through Malee-boo's real estate gossip grapevine.

We shall see.

Super Duper Super Producers' Pied a Terre

SELLERS: Walter Parkes and Laurie MacDonald
LOCATION: Duane Street, New York, NY
PRICE: $4,595,000
SIZE: 2,311 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: ...The loft presents a beautiful open kitchen w/ a dark grey polished concrete floor set into maple, ebonized oak cabinetry w/ leather & blackened steel handles, custom concrete counters + a magnificent center island w/ Caesar Stone top + abundant built in storage...Bedrooms + baths are equally dazzling. The master suite encompasses a private study, customized dressing area, a Jacuzzi tub, a full glass shower w/ bench + a cram wood vanity with marble counter...

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: We feel like getting out of Los Angeles today so let's mentally wing across the great U-nited States of America and discuss the New York City loft apartment that Oscar nominated super producer and screenwriter Walter Parkes and his equally successful producer wife Laurie MacDonald recently put on the market with an asking price of $4,595,000.

For all the children not in "The Industry" let Your Mama provide a Reader's Digest on these two Hollywood hot shots. Back in the mid-1990s, the comely couple was instrumental in getting DreamWorks SKG up and running and Mister Parkes acted as president of the studio from 1994 until 2005. During that time the couple over saw the making of super successful cinematic Academy Award winners such as American Beauty, Gladiator and A Beautiful Mind. Since leaving DreamWorks, the couple have together produced The Kite Runner and Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street among other projects.

Property records show that in July of 2006 the L.A.-based power pair paid $4,411,000 for their TriBeCa pied a terre. A few quick flicks of the well worn beads on our bejeweled abacus indicates that after all taxes, real estate fees, renovation and decoratin' costs, the couple is sure to loose a pretty penny on this real estate transaction even if they manage to get their full asking price.

The Duane Street loft sits just a few short blocks up from the giant hole in the ground that was once the World Trade Center and listing information shows the 9th floor unit measures 2,311 square feet and includes 3 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms. The main living space is comprised of a 900+ square foot living/dining/kitchen combination room.

While we do note the large foyer and the long book shelf lined gallery that sweeps guests down into the living room and while we do appreciate that the powder pooper opens into the entrance gallery as opposed to directly into the living room or kitchen, we're not thrilled with the placement of the laundry closet. We understand from a space planning point of view why it is located where it is, but this is an unworkable situation for Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter. Our bossy house gurl Svetlana has a habit of spreading out the dirty clothes in little piles on the floor before washing and we really don't like the idea of having to step over all that nonsense every Tuesday and Friday.

The polished concrete floored kitchen features stunning ebonized oak cabinets and a gigantic work island with concrete counter top. While black cabinets can be a little difficult to pull off, here they successfully serve to provide a necessary visual anchor in the large and somewhat oddly proportioned room. There is, of course, a full complement of stainless steel appliances that we are certain all together cost more than a Mercedes.

The master bedroom occupies its own corner of the apartment and includes a small study/dressing room, south facing windows for maximum light, a windowless pooper with a Carrara marble counter top and a glass enclosed shower. The two secondary bedrooms are well located as far away from the master bedroom as they can be (parents do not like to be heard doing the dirty by their children) and share another small and windowless bathroom that listing information states has been done up with very expensive Waterworks fixtures and Ann Sachs tiles.

While Your Mama isn't really the traditional meets modern day-core type and we imagine that peachy striped wall paper (or a striped paint treatment or whatever it is) in the master bedroom would cause us to have a seizure, it's really tough to find much to beef about here. The rugs appear to be properly sized, the finishes are clearly high quality (note those a-may-zing leather and steel pulls on the kitchen cabinets) and the eclectic and very thoughtful selection of inviting upholstered furniture give the place a comfortable, put your feet up on the velvet sofa and sip champagne sort of vibe.

On the left coast, a peep into the property records reveals the couple currently own a 6,031 square foot house on a palm tree lined street in a swank section of Santa Monica which they purchased back in March of 1992 for $1,625,000. It appears they own a couple of condos in Santa Monica as well.

UPDATE: Michael Jackson

Oh dear.

Poor Michael Jackson. Not only does the man feel the need to go out in public looking like a damn fool, he must be in need of money again because thanks to our Irish comrade Weezy, we've learned that The White Lady has decided to auction off a whole mess of memorabilia including, yes children, the gates of his once beloved and now crumbling Neverland Ranch in Los Olivos, CA

Pleeze. What moron wants those stoopid things? As our friend H.W. would say, "Honestly!"

As far as we know, Mister Jackson, his three children and whatever retinue he can still afford are living up in Las Vegas.

Jeff Lewis Is Still Flipping Out

SELLER: Jeff Lewis
LOCATION: N. Edgemont Street, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: sold for $1,300,000 (listed at $1,395,000)
SIZE: 2,553 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Beautifully renovated & gated 1930s Trad'l w/ 4 bds & 3 full bths laid out in ideal floor plan. Chef's kit w/ Viking s/s range, ample counter space & bkfst area. Lrg formal DR. LR w/ fp & direct access to the new pl, brick patios & yrd. Landscaped for privacy. Gorgeous master ste w/ walk-in closet & Carrara marble bth. Direct access from the 2-car garage. New HVAC, new roof, copper plumb, updated electric.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: The house flipping bizness may be swirling down the proverbial terlit along with the stock market and he may be cat fighting with the celebrity neighbor of a house he's having a tough time flipping in Los Feliz, but lascivious lipped drama queen Jeff Lewis, star of the reality tee-vee train wreck Flipping Out, is still buying, renovating and flipping houses in Los Angeles. Or at least he's trying to.

Property records show the hissy fit prone house flipper purchased his latest residential rehab project in June of 2008 for an even million clams. Listing information and photos shows the 2,553 square foot "1930s Trad" (which was actually built in 1951 according to prop records) was given the classic Jeff Lewis make over before it was put hoisted back on the market a little over a month ago where it currently carries an asking price of $1,395,000 (reduced from its original asking price of $1,525,000).

The front door, elevated high above the street, requires that owners have strong ass muscles for carrying kids and groceries up a long flight of switchback stairs from the driveway, or be rich enough they can pay the house gurl (or house boy) a few extra pennies to do so. Listing information for the 4 bedroom and 3 bathroom residence indicates the large rectangular living room includes a wall of sliding windows that open to the rear terrace (nice) and, natch, a giant flat screen tee-vee hung over the wood burning fireplace, an omnipresent boob-toob trend that Your Mama is o-vah. We are just so damn tahrd of seeing a damn television mounted to walls in the kitchens and bathrooms and bedrooms and hallways and elevators and on and on and on. We like tee-vee as much if not more than anyone, but even Your Mama can take a crap without having to watch the damn boob-toob.

The decent sized dining room have been painted white, which we love, and includes a chintzy and glitzy faux-crystal chandelier which manages to create a delicious tension between the clean lined 1940s dining room chairs and the striped piece of contemporary "art" which actually looks like the sort of cheap decorative doo-dad we used to make in our university days out of cardboard and a bucket full of multi-colored tape.

The kitchen and breakfast area have been all did up and done over in bright white cabinets with glass fronts, Carrara marble counter tops and stainless steel appliances. While the appliances are higher grade, we find the cabinets with their arched openings to be a wee bit too traditional for our taste. However, we are luh-ving the honey bee tile floor with the dark band ringing the room. Honey bee tile always makes us happy even though it reminds our usually drunk friend Fiona Trambeau of some of the public restrooms she frequents.

The master bedroom has yet another flat screen tee-vee mounted to the wall (will that trend ever end?) and the master bath features more Carrara marble, dark cabinetry and a single sink vanity with frosted side light windows. As for the orchid sitting on the counter top? Pleeze. We beg of some big name decorator with solid ties to all the slick and influential design publications to declare orchids an unforgivably passé affection of day-core. The children will note the scale pushed under the cabinetry. Miss Lewis, who we've heard rumored is living in this house, must be conscious of keeping his hips slim and stomach flat, partick since they say television adds ten pounds. And what vain queen wants to look like he's got a fat ass? A bubble booty maybe, but a fat ass? Uhm, no.

The modestly sized rear yard has been landscaped for privacy and includes a good sized brick terrace for dining and spreading out the gossip glossies in the afternoon shade. A small rectangular swimming pool, a plunge pool really, with brick coping has been added along with a couple of brick islands where not particularly comfortable looking lounges have been placed.

Given that the credit markets are currently at a stand still and buyers of million dollar houses are hanging on to their savings accounts like never before, it remains to be seen what will become of Mister Lewis' up until now very successful mid-price house flipping enterprise. Whatever happens, we can't help it, we like Miss Lewis and his crazy ways and hope he keeps on keepin' on so we can have at least a few more seasons of Flipping Out to mortify and warm the cockles of our cold, dark heart.

Could This be Jimmy Kimmel's New Crib?

BUYER: Jimmy Kimmel (or at least that's who we hear...)
LOCATION: Marmont Avenue, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $6,350,000 (list price)
SIZE: 5,500 square feet (approx.), 5 bedrooms, 5 full and 1 half bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: ...The main house soars effortlessly in the sky that one experiences a visceral quality that is rarely experienced in homes. The interplay between the interior & exterior is captivating. The progressive aesthetic continues w/ separate guest house that includes gym/office & home theater.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: A week or so ago we were chit-chatting with a real estate savvy pal we'll call Hollywood Hills Hildegard who told us that she'd recently heard through the celebrity real estate gossip grapevine that a very contemporary and newly built house on Marmont Avenue had very recently been sold to a celebrity. Trouble was, Hildegard didn't know the buyer's identity. In fact, she was asking little ol' moi if we knew.

Well, of course, upon hearing that little tidbit Your Mama's little mind started whirring and our fat fingers starting dialing up some of the fancy folks with whom we fraternize who often know a thing or two about high end real estate in the Hollywood Hills. About 20 minutes later, the always reliable and wickedly well informed Lucy Spillerguts informed us that she's quite certain this house on Marmont Avenue was purchased by funny man Jimmy Kimmel.

Among his many acheivements in the tee-vee bizness, Mister Kimmel, who currently hosts the eponymous Jimmy Kimmel Live! program on the ABC, got his start co-hosting Daytime Emmy winning game show Win Ben Stein's Money and went on to co-create and co-host the testosterone fueled The Man Show on which he and the other co-hosts often humiliated people in the most outlandish ways they could concoct. He's also lent his voice to many animated programs such as Robot Chicken, Family Guy, and Road Trip. But he is best known to Your Mama for the celebrity filled mock music video he made earlier this year called I'm Fucking Ben Affleck, which was a response to his gurl friend Sarah Silverman's mock music video I'm Fucking Matt Damon, both of which became internet sensations.

Now listen children, public records indicate the pricey property on Marmont Avenue was purchased through a trust and do not actually show Mister Kimmel's name. Therefore, we can not say with 100% accuracy that Mister Kimmel bought this house. However, we will say it with 99% accuracy because, let's face it, our gal Lucy Spillerguts seldom (if ever) gets it wrong.

Listing information for the big, boxy, slinky and sexy residence in the Hollywood Hills shows it measures approximately 5,500 square feet and includes 4 bedrooms and 4.75 bathrooms. However, we counted 5 full and 1 half bathroom. Go figure. Anyhoo, it's unclear at this point how much moolah was spent to purchase the two building compound but listing information shows its last asking price was $6,350,000. We're sure that Mister Big Time will be able to suss out the actual sale price in the next few days. He's often much better at that than we are.

The new (and alleged) Kimmel compound consists of a light and airy main house that wraps around and hovers over a rectangular shaped swimming pool and spa and a detached building which contains the guest quarters, an office/gym, and a media room with sleek built in cabinetry and what appear to be some janky black out curtains. Both buildings are surrounded by copious patios, decks, terraces and lawn areas all of which look, to Your Mama, more like a courtyard at a W Hotel than a private home.

The unabashedly contemporary house has an open plan living, dining and kitchen area which features a floating staircase to the second floor and large disappearing walls of glass that when open completely obliterate the distinction between indoors and outdoors. The double island kitchen also features a floor to ceiling wine cellar wrapped in green glass which, quite frankly, is just too much of an architectural gimmick for our personal taste but one that modern minded oenophiles will surely appreciate. Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter had white Corian counter tops in our former beach house and while they looked spectacular, we encourage Mister Kimmel to never let anything acidic or red ever lay on his new counter tops for more than a few moments because that white shit can be a bitch to keep looking white.

Each of the four bedrooms in the main house are commodious and have attached bathrooms which means, of course, that Mister Kimmel's kids and guests will not have to share terlits. The master bedroom measures over 600 square feet and includes a fireplace, giant walk in closet, glittery views over Los Angeles, and a sky lit bathroom with a glassed in shower stall and a very expensive soaking tub. Somehow we don't imagine Mister Kimmel luxuriating in a bathtub.

The children should keep in mind that the furniture and day-core shown here does NOT belong to Mister Kimmel or any other home owner for that matter. The property was staged for selling. However, we do so hope that Mister Kimmel has the smarts to hire a nice gay decorator to help him do up this house because without the deft hand of a skilled decorator homes like this can easily look cold, sterile, unfriendly and simply too big.

Mister Kimmel's new neighborhood situs just up from the legendary celebrity hideout hotel Chateau Marmont and is, of course, chock full of high profile people, none perhaps more a-list than Cameron Diaz who not only appeared in Mister Kimmel's aforementioned mock music video but also lives just down the street. As far as we know Mister Kimmel still owns his house on Wonder View Drive which property records show he purchased in April of 2002 for $925,000 and proceeded to completely remodel. Records show that Mister Kimmel also owns a two unit building in sleepy Hermosa Beach, CA that sits just 1.5 short blocks to the sand.

Who?

SELLERS: David Garfinkle and Maira Suro
LOCATION: Royal Oak Road, Encino, CA
PRICE: $3,699,000
SIZE: 2,953 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 4.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: The 4 bd/4.5 bth combines the best of mid century dsgn w/ top of the line technlgy in sought aftr Royal Oaks nghbrhd. Walls of glass thru out allow for great indr/outdr flow. Sparkling pool & water sculpture fntn make for entertainers dream. Prvt mstr suite has tree-top & pool vws, walk-in clst & striking mstr bth w/ spa tub & over-sizd shwr. Walnut flrs, exotic wd cabnts, skylights, media rm, epicurean kit w/ Viking & SubZero appls, security t.v., plasma & LCD tvs, srnd snd & btf lndsp.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Take a chill pill children, Your Mama recognizes that unless you're in "the bizness" of tee-vee y'all probably haven't got a clue who these David Garfinkle and Maira Suro people are. While you may not know their names, we can assure you that you've seen some of the television programming they've produced.

Mister Garfinkle works as a reality tee-vee executive producer who has a long list of credits that include such glorious boob-toob trainwrecks as Gone Country, Mobile Home Disaster, Let's Make a Deal and the always eye popping and dee-lishusly entertaining reality tee-vee extravaganza The Surreal Life where the formerly famous go to earn a few easy dollars so they can keep making the payment on their automobile and, hopefully, breathe a little life into their moribund careers.

Miz Suro works her tee-vee magic as an executive at the MTV. In fact, she was an executive producer for the recent publicity ploy Britney: For the Record during which Miss Spears rather conveniently failed to reveal anything about her more bizarre behaviors over the last year or even mention her recent tangle with mental instability.

Listen puppies, Miss Spears does not owe any one any kind of explanation about nuthin'. However, we find it deeply disingenuous to promote an hour long television interview as her attempt to set the record straight about her life and then NOT talk about the juicy bizness like being forcibly removed from her Beverly Hills home and checked into the psych ward Cedars Sinai. Or her rumored battle with bi-polarity, the acknowledgement of which, if true, could really help a lot of people. And, perhaps most appalling was for her to say shaving her damn head was no big deal and that lots of other people do the same thing when they get stressed out? Pleeze. Your Mama's last nerve gets worked every damn day but you don't see us ducking in to some dirty looking hair parlor in Tarzana and shaving our head.

No children, that television special was clearly not meant to be a window into Miss Spears' strange world of mega-celebrity. Let's cut the crap and just call it what it was, okay? Despite a few tears and some almost poignant moments, the interview was a puff piece meant to garner attention for her newly released (and hugely successful) album Circus. All due respect, because we do not think Miss Spears has it easy, but gurl should have just stayed home if she wasn't going to speak on any of the important issues that her fans really want to know about.

Anyhoo, as usual, we digress. Let's get back to the contemporary crib in Encino that Mister Garfinkle and Miz Suro have recently listed with an asking price of $3,699,000. Property records show the couple scooped up the Royal Oak Road residence in October of 2006 for $3,095,000. It is unclear to Your Mama if the Garfinkle/Suros are responsible for the complete overhaul of the property or if those accolades belong to someone else.

Although we'd bet our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly that there was nothing architecturally significant about this house when it was built in 1950, the recent renovation has clearly taken what was probably a very ordinary ranch house and turned it into a warmly modern home with a properly conceived space plan. Listen, we know that some of you are gonna say that a pig with lipstick is still a pig, but we happen to like this house. Even if it is in a good part of Encino. Ain't a thing wrong with Encino children, but Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter would rather live in the 10th circle of hell than Encino. It's just a personal preference.

Anyhoo, listing information shows the house measures in at 2,953 square feet, which is a perfect size for this Goldilocks. Any more square footage and we'd just have to pay our bossy house gurl Svetlana extra to clean rooms we did not use. Listing information also indicates there are 4 bedroom and 4.5 bathrooms, a bed to bath ratio that makes the Dr. Cooter swoon with dee-lite.

The long and low house is accessed up a long, curving and gated driveway that terminates in a small motor court. If you're going to own a house with a front facing garage, it might as well be one of these frosted glass numbers, right? The front facade offers little more than straight lines and solid walls and certainly does not hint at the fa-boo floor to ceiling walls of glass at the back of the house which nicely blur the lines between inside and outside.

Ordinarily Your Mama does not care for an open plan layout...we just go crazy when we have to look at the dang dishwasher while we're bizzy concentrating on shoveling food down our gullet at the dining room table. None the less, the "L" shape configuration of this house allows each living area to have its own separate space while still participating as a part of the whole, not an easy architectural trick.

The living room features a fireplace and a wall of custom cabinetry and shelving where the Garfinkle/Suros have quite wisely not overloaded with knick knacks and family photos. We might like to see a few books up in there, but we'll give them a pass on that. This time.

We find the dining room table to be too small for the room, but we do appreciate the conical tortoise shell chandelier which tosses off the sort of soft yellow light that makes everyone look younger and beautiful even while chomping on big piece of meat. The kitchen sits in the corner of the "L" and connects the "formal" spaces with the family living spaces which include a family room with a gigantic white sofa, some shiny tables and a white super-shag rug that would indicate to Your Mama that shooz are not to be worn in this house. We do note a lack of books in here, a decorative oversight we can not over look twice. Beyond the family room is the windowless media room where, for better or worse, all the reality tee-vee stars can be seen life size. Your Mama's back aches just thinking of settin' down in a bean bag, but otherwise we find this to be one of the better media rooms we've come across in a long time. Not to big, not too small and none of those black out curtains that just collect dust.

Upstairs, the large master bedroom has a long, low cabinet running the entire length of the wall opposite the bed. A window seat has been cleverly built in which we imagine our mean ol' pussy cat Sugar would find an excellent spot to soak up some sun and dig her claws into the very expensive fabric covering the cushion. He's a bitch that way. We find the master bathroom strikes an appropriate chord between luxurious and functional with heaps of storage space, a large walk in shower and a steam room where Your Mama could sweat out the booze toxins on a regular basis.

The modestly sized back yard includes a large rectangular shaped swimming pool surrounded by privacy hedges. We'd prefer a little more shaded area out here since the Encino sun can be a blistering nightmare in the summer. A small grassy area (not shown) is tucked back behind the media room where–if one must–a swing set and sandbox could be installed for the kiddies.

To be honest children, Your Mama can't imagine why the Garfinkle/Suros want to sell this house. But sell they are. We presume with their tee-vee successes they'll be moving to bigger and better digs. Well, at least bigger.

UPDATE: Nicollette Sheridan and Michael Bolton

Like it or not children, we're going to discuss Michael Bolton and Nicollette Sheridan this morning. We just can't help it. We're masochistic that way.

If the children dig deep into the recesses of their minds they'll recall that back in November of 2007 we discussed an ivy covered house in Hidden Hills, CA that was listed by Academy Award winning rock and roll lezbeeuhn Melissa Etheridge and her baby mama wifey Tammy Lynn Michaels with an asking price of $4,995,000.

Then in May of 2008, thanks to our ever resourceful cohort Lucy Spillerguts, we learned that the buyer of Melissa's mansion was none other than Desperate Housewife Nicollette Sheridan who, at the time, was humping around with washed up crooner Michael Bolton. Records show the 6 bedroom and 6.5 bathroom residence cost Miz Sheridan $4,320,000.

When August 2008 rolled around, we next discussed Della Acqua, Mister Bolton's long time Westport, CT compound which he'd flung on to the market with an $11,000,000 asking price.

Since then, the couple have split. Normal people logic would have each retreating to their own coast. However, celebrity break-ups are seldom that simple, particularly when there's high priced real estate involved.

This morning, as we're sifting our way through the morning's gossip rags, we note with interest that the NY Post reported in today's Page Six column that the former couple are waging a bitter battle over the house in Hidden Hills which, according to Page Sixers, they purchased together.

According to the NY Post's sources, only two days after Mister Bolton packed his Tumi cases and moved to Hidden Hills to be with his ladee-friend full time, Miz Sheridan kicked his ass to the curb. Oh dear. Two days!

Apparently Miz Sheridan, who is already rumored to be dating unlikely ladee magnet David Spade, wants Mister Bolton gone from the Hidden Hills house and, according the the NY Post, thinks that even though they paid for the property jointly that Mister Bolton should give his half of the house to her like she deserves some sort of real estate parting gift.

If it's true, that beehawtcha has got some serious balls. Let's be honest puppies. Was there really any doubt about who wore the designer pants in that relationship?

Exactly.

Did Keira Knightley Buy a House?

According to the folks at Fametastic, notoriously twig thin and Oscar nominated British actress Keira Knightley (The Duchess, Atonement, Pirates of the Caribbean and etc.) recently scooped up a £2,500,000 townhouse in Shoreditch, East London. A source is quoted as saying she moved from fancy-schmancy West London so that she could live somewhere "more bohemian and arty."

Oh pleeze. Can the children hear Your Mama coughing up our morning candy bar?

Honestly children, we find Miss Knightley and her whiny, "I hate being famous" ways to be a tad tedious so we can't be bothered to sort out the details of her alleged purchase. Not on a morning we have more important things to do like clip our damn toenails.

However, we will say that Your Mama and our boozy buddy Fiona Trambeau have spent many a happy day and late night crawling around Shoreditch where Fiona's fabulous kissin' cuzzins have lived since the dawn of time. We know that Shoreditch is much more happening than it used to be but it wasn't so long ago we'd have been mor-ti-fied to run into little Miss Knightley hunching her bag of bones around Hoxton Square.

The Much Maligned Mike Ovitz Moving Mansions

SELLER: Mike and Judy Ovitz
LOCATION: N. Rockingham Avenue, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $14,950,000
SIZE: 13,000 square feet (approx.), 7 bedrooms, 7 full and 2 half bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Rare opportunity to live on Rockingham Rim. !st offer of this classic estate w/ views W. of mountains & canyons and sprawling flat yard E. with mature trees, grass, double auto court behind gates and a long drive. Exemplary privacy, pool & pool house complement the home, expanded to designs by Casper Ehmcke. 7 beds & 2 powders, 6 wbfps, FDR, Full Projection Room, Library, Den, Office, Family Rm, Art Studio/Gallery. Auto courts w/ extensive add'l parking.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Yesterday morning Your Mama received a covert communique from Our Ladee in Brentwood who whispered in our big ear that fallen Tinseltown titan Mike Ovitz listed his long-time residence in Brentwood, CA with an asking price of $14,950,000.

However, we're a little late to the rodeo with this one as Miz Anne Brenoff, who writes the Hot Properties column at the L.A. Times, beat us to the punch and already penned a post on the posh property. We've decided to speak on this this listing anyway because that is our prerogative.

While he once sat at the tippy-top of the Hollywood hotshot heap as the powerful (and notoriously vindictive) founder of the Creative Artists Agency (a.k.a. CAA) where he made deals for a-list celebs like David Letterman and screenwriter Joe Eszterhas, Mister Ovitz now seems to make only waves and enemies wherever he goes. All the children who haven't liquefied their brains with the GHB will surely recall that back in 1995, after just 14 months on the job as the president of the Walt Disney Company, he was unceremoniously fired by his former friend Michael Eisner. The board at Disney was so desperate to boot the much maligned Mister Ovitz that they agreed to pay him a jaw-dropping severance widely reported to be nearly $140,000,000.

He used some of those Micky Mouse millions to found the the Artist Management Group (a.k.a AMG and now part of The Firm). However, poor Mister Ovitz was unable to make a serious go of it with AMG and reportedly lost upwards of $100,000,000 on the failed venture. In 2002, in a eye popping article in Vanity Fair magazine, the gap toothed Mister Ovitz famously blamed media mogul David Geffen and the "gay mafia" for sabotaging his efforts at post-Disney success.

Several years after he completely cooked his professional goose with that Bitter Betty Vanity Fair article, Mister and Missus Ovitz were sued when their big dogs allegedly mauled a neighbor who was out walking her little dogs. Not surprisingly, the suit resulted in an out of court settlement not long after the press got wind of the matter. However, settelment or not, Your Mama is hard pressed to believe their well to do neighbors in hoity toity Brentwood Park were not left with a seriously bad taste in their mouths.

Mister Ovitz hasn't made many friends in his new Beverly Hills neighborhood either. Mister and Missus Ovitz have long been building a monstrous mansion at the top of itty bitty Leona Drive–where their neighboring properties are owned by such luminaries as celebrity house flipper John Bersci and Bruce "The Boss" Springsteen–and was reportedly planned to measure nearly 30,000 square feet which pisssed off many of his new neighbors who were concerned about the scale of the project and their neighborhood being turned into a colossal construction zone. Who can blame them?

Listen puppies, if anyone were to ask Your Mama, and of course no one did, we'd posit that Mister Ovitz's new hotel-sized house–which practically hovers over Miss Geffen's 10-acre compound on Angelo Drive–is nothing more than mad Mister Ovitz using his Disney Dollars to gleefully flip the big bird at Hollywood. If that house could talk, we think it would scream at the top of its lungs, "Looky here all you fucktards, you may have bullied me, black balled me and squashed me like a freaking bug, but I've got a house with a basement bigger than your entire fucking house." We're just sayin'...

Other planned amenities of Mister Ovitz's new dee-luxe digs have been reported to include garaging for 13 cars, a 2,400 square foot covered tennis pavilion, a yoga room and an art gallery where he can display his impressive art collection which once was reported to include works by Picasso, Jasper Johns, Mark Rothko, several pieces by Roy Lichtenstein and at least one piece by Franz Kline, an abstract expressionist who happens to be one of Your Mama's most favored artists.

Anyhoo, let's get back to Mister Ovitiz's for sale house which is located on N. Rockingham Avenue in desirable and expensive Brentwood Park. The Ovitz estate is just a few doors down (and across the street) from the N. Rockingham Avenue mansion where the newly jailed OJ Simpson lived before he was unsuccessfully prosecuted for slitting the throats of his ex-wife Nicole and her man-friend Ron. Mister Simpson's Tudor has since been sold, torn down and replaced with a vaguely Mediterranean mansion.

According to property records, Mister Ovitz and his long time wifey Judy purchased their Rockingham Ridge residence in January of 1979 for $660,000. Records show that at the time of the purchase, the house measured 8,339 square feet and listing information indicates it has since been expanded to approximately 13,000 square feet. Now children, 13,000 square feet is gigantic by any one's standards, but if the reports are true the entire Ovitz house in Brentwood Park would easily fit into the approximately 15,000 square foot basement of their behemoth Bev Hills crib with a couple thousand square feet to spare. Good grief.

Listing information reveals the Ovitz's Brentwood manse includes 7 bedrooms, 7 full and 2 half bathrooms, 6 fireplaces, garaging for 4 cars and parking for many more. Other interior amenities include formal living and dining rooms, den, library, office, family room, an art studio/gallery, wine cellar and, of course, a state of the art projection room.

The gated driveway winds through a large, park-like front yard with meticulously manicured grass and a stand of matures trees. The drive terminates in a brick motor court that looks a wee bit cramped to comfortably turn Your Mama's big BMW around without doing a three or four point turn. The rear yard is much smaller than the front and features a heated swimming pool and pool house looking out over the canyons to the west.

Property records indicate that Mister and Missus Ovitz also maintain a house on Broad Beach Road in Malee-boo where nearby neighbors include Danny DeVito and Rhea Pearlman and Goldie Hahn and Kurt Russell. Records show the Ovitz's also own a 7 bedroom and 8.5 bathroom ski chalet on Hidden Lane in swanky Snowmass Village, CO.

Beverly D'Angelo Used to Live Here

SELLER: Beverly D'Angelo
LOCATION: Coldwater Canyon Drive, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $2,569,800
SIZE: 4,045 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 4.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Feel the romance as you walk through the enclosed courtyard that leads to the formal entry of this two-story home. The spiral staircase grabs your eyes. As you step down into the large living room with fire[lace and beautiful beamed ceiling you retreat in the courtyard view. This home is great for entertaining with formal dining room, large patio, pool and flat grassy yard as well as circular drive with off street parking. A master suite, and maids quarters with private entrances boast this 1920s Spanish Mediterranean.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Although we hear through the gossip grapevine there are several notable purchases in the works, our celebrity real estate well is running a little dry–as it often does this time of year. So, Your Mama has decided to dip deep into our archives and discuss the Beverly Hills (Post Office) home that beauteous actress Beverly D'Angelo listed for sale earlier this year after purchasing ghost busting actor Dan Aykroyd's rumored to be haunted house in the Hollywood Hills.

The children should be aware that Miz D'Angelo's Coldwater Canyon Drive property is not currently on the open market. Do you hear that? It is NOT currently on the open market. However, back in April of 2008, Miz D'Angelo listed the 4,045 square foot Spanish Mediterranean style casa with the wonky and wacky asking price of $2,569,800 where it sat for several months before being removed from the MLS.

While Miz D'Angelo has lately appeared on several episodes of Entourage, one of those upsettingly ubiquitous Law & Order programs AND as the voice of country singing wannabe Lurleen Lumpkin on The Simpsons, she is–for better or worse–probably best known for appearing in the five National Lampoon "Vacation" films in which she rather geniusly portrayed buck-toothed mommy Ellen Griswold.

Property records and reports from the time show that back in January of 2009, Miz D'Angelo forked over $3,800,000 for Dan Aykroyd's multi-parcel Woodrow Wilson Drive property that had previously been owned by Big Mama Cass (Eliot) and Beatle Ringo Starr. Mister Aykroyd, who is married to former actress Donna Dixon (Bosom Buddies), has long maintained that ghosts inhabit the 4,828 square foot house. Hmm. Maybe they do, maybe they don't.

Once Miz D'Angelo closed on her new house in the Hollywood Hills, she was no longer in need of her Beverly Hills (Post Office) residence on bizzy Coldwater Canyon Drive which property records show she purchased in October of 2005 for $2,350,000.

Believe it or not, we first became aware of this house sometime in the late spring or early summer, before Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter packed up and moved west. While out visiting and doing a little bizness, we very distinctly remember driving past this house on several occasions when it had a sign out front that stated, "I'm gorgeous inside." Seriously children, it did. That is probably the very best real estate sign we have ever seen.

Well children, the bones of this 5 bedroom and 4.5 bathroom charmer might be gorgeous–or at least attractive–but from what we can see Miz D'Angelo's decorating abilities, unfortunately, leave Your Mama with a burning need to quickly jot down a list of nice gay decorators who can help her do up her home in a manner befitting a ladee as rich and famous as she is.

Anyhoo, listing information for the house indicates that guests are greeted in a double height entry with a lovely Norma Desmond style curving staircase with oak treads and a wrought iron banister. The living room features a high beamed ceiling, fireplace and french doors that open to the walled and gated front courtyard. There's few things we appreciate more than a walled and gated front courtyard where our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly can yip and nip at anyone who might try to approach the house. However this property's heavily trafficked Coldwater Canyon Drive location ensures the courtyard is anything but serene during the morning and afternoon rush hours.

The all white and lackluster looking kitchen features stainless steel appliances, natch, and a large picture window overlooking the back yard where listing information reveals there is a 21-foot rock waterfall. Miz D'Angelo has a couple of kids sired by Oscar winning actor Al Pacino so it makes a certain amount of sense the heated swimming pool has been surrounded by one of those horrid child protective fences. We know that those things save baby's lives, but surely some clever industrial designer could develop a more attractive option than a 4-foot tall mesh enclosure that makes the otherwise pleasant looking swimming pool look like the damn seal tank at the fish and chips place Your Mama's momma used to take us when we were children.

Listing information also indicates the detached two car garage has been converted into a fully functional office space with WiFi, intercom and a 4-line bizness phone system. Miz D'Angelo is clearly a very bizzy ladee. For those who feel the need to have a live-in domestic, the "maid's quarters" boast a private entrance which we know deep in our feet our bossy house gurl Svetlana would use to squirrel her mustachioed man-friend in late at night.

It remains to be seen whether Miz D'Angelo will re-list this property or hold it until the not particularly solid real estate market stabilizes. Whatever the case, we've got that list of nice gay decorators for Miz D'Angelo that she can make use of on her new Hollywood Hills hideaway.

Gossip Girl Creator Stephanie Savage Moves On

SELLER: Stephanie Savage
LOCATION: Canyon Drive, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $924,500
SIZE: 2 bedrooms, 1.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: ...Inside the Roaring '20s home are gleaming hardwood floors, soaring ceilings, a charming dining room with period built-in book cases, a living room with fireplace, a kitchen full of stainless-steel appliances, and a unique screening room. A walled and gated outdoor living area is perfect for entertaining.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Listen puppies, Your Mama has got places to go and people to see today so, like it or not, we've got to be brief this morning. Thanks to a gorgeous gal we'll call Smart Sue we've learned that Gossip Girl co-creator and executive producer Stephanie Savage has listed her somewhat modest house in Los Angeles' Bronson Canyon area for $924,500.

The Gossip Girl crazy train (which Your Mama never got on) is not the first boob-toob juggernaut to fill Miss Savage's coffers with mountains of money. A quick and cursory run through Miss Savage's resume reveals that she also wrote for and produced The OC (another crazy train we refused to board) as well as acting as an associate producer for the film Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle which was directed by her former producing partner McG.

Property records show Miss Savage picked up her petite property on Canyon Drive in March of 2006 when she forked over $895,000 for the 1,318 square foot house. A few flicks of the well worn beads on our bejeweled abacus reveals that after paying taxes and real estate fees Miss Savage is likely to lose money on this property even if she manages to sell it for its current asking price.

Listing information shows the decidedly unpretentious residence includes just 2 bedrooms and 1.5 bathrooms. Other features include a large living room with vaulted ceiling, wood burning fireplace, dark wood floors and arched french doors leading to a small brick terrace all done up and did over like an outdoor living room. The children will note that Miss Savage's living room and dining room both prominently feature books. Your Mama's decorating rule #4 clearly states, "No house is a home without books."

The wee kitchen has been outfitted with all manner of up to date stainless steel appliances, however it looks like someone chose to cheap out on the counter tops and installed very ordinary white tiles.

Upstairs in the slightly too gurlish for a grown up master bedroom a pretty pink Chinoiserie style chandelier has been hung over the bed which has been dressed like a bed from a W hotel. It's a bit difficult to tell from this angle, but trust Your Mama when we tell you that whimsical chandelier is not centered over the bed which from other angles gives the otherwise simply dee-luxe a not very pleasant off kilter feeling. A sky lit bathroom is shared by the two upstairs bedrooms and is way to small for Your Mama's fat ass.

The listing states the house includes a "unique screening room." Hmm. Well, all the children with eyeballs can easily see that what is "unique" about Miss Savage's screening room is that you can't stand up in it. Okay, you can stand up in some of it. Listen puppies, Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter enjoy lying down while watching a Project Runway marathon just like everyone else, but we also like having the not very novel option of sitting up straight without banging our noggin on the ceiling.

Given her serious success, we presume (but can not confirm) that Miss Savage will be moving up in the real estate world as did her former producing partner, the in demand director McG, who recently forked over 5,750,000 smackers for a hacienda-style house on Hollywood Boulevard that was once owned by hotel honcho Brad Korzen who is, of course, married to bigwig interior designer and hair crimping queen Kelly Wearstler.

According to listing information and property records, Mister McG's new brick built and tile roofed compound (shown above) includes a 2 bedroom and 2.5 bathroom main house with glittery views and, adjacent to the swimming pool and spa in the front courtyard, a 1 bedroom and 1 bathroom guest house with private entrance.

In Other American Idol News...

...It looks like third season American Idol winner and 8-time Grammy nominated R&B singer Fantasia Barrino is about to get booted from one of her Charlotte, NC homes. According to recent reports and county records, the foreclosure process for big voiced Miss Barrino's 6,232 square foot house has been started and unless she can make good with a pile of cash will likely be auctioned to the highest bidder on January 12, 2009.

Property records show Miz Barrino purchased the 6 bedroom and 5.5 bathroom pond-front mansion on Bevington Place in March of 2007 for $1,300,000.

However, the children can rest easier knowing that it does not appear that Miz Barrino will go homeless as records show that she also owns a second house on nearby Seton House Lane that she purchased in July of 2004 for $740,000.

We'd like to thank Mister Smiley for tipping us off to this "story."

Randolph Duke's Glam Pad In the Hollywood Hills

SELLER: Randolph Duke
LOCATION: Fareholm Drive, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $8,250,000
SIZE: 3 bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: None

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Thanks to a lovely lad we'll call Fashionista Freddie, Your Mama has learned that dress designer Randolph Duke has put his Hollywood Hills house on the market with an asking price of $8,250,000.

All the fashion magazine readers will already know that Mister Duke, a middle aged man who still struts around with his shirt unbuttoned to his damn navel, is the man responsible for saving the legendary house of Halston and all the children who flip through the gossip glossies at Oscar time know that Mister Duke creates glitzy, glam, glittery and sometimes sheer gowns for red carpet walkers like Hilary Swank and Angelina Jolie. All the house bound home shoppers will also recall the Mister Duke peddles several product lines on the Home Shopping Network including line of ladees garments called The Look which is, more than likely, where the well preserved and meticulously groomed clothing queen earns all his real money.

Anyhoo, according to property records and multiple reports, Mister Duke scooped up his three lot property on a promontory high above Fareholm Drive back in June of 2004 for $2,250,000. He quickly hired the L.A.-based Xten Architecture to create a cantilevered crib that is both anchored to the hillside and floating above the city. Ten-foot tall retracting glass walls blur the boundaries between indoors and outdoors and there are jaw dropping jet liner views over Los Angeles from every corner of the house.

Listing information for the open plan and unabashedly modern manse, dubbed Open House by the architects, indicates there are 3 bedrooms and 3.5 bathrooms on three levels where both interior and exterior walls are virtually non-existent. In fact, the master bedroom, which occupies the entire top floor, has only beaded curtains as visual (and auditory) barriers between the sleeping chambers and the stair well to the lower floors. This is all well and good if you're home alone, but maybe not so great when you want to watch some porn get bizzy with your man-friend while your mother is sleeping in the guest room one floor below.

Anyhoo, Mister Duke and his decorating ladee filled the house with furniture that does not adhere to a particular style or time period. We've got Louis the XVI chairs pulled up to a rough cut wood dining room table, petrified treet stump stools and coffee tables set off against plush and custom designed sofas, faux fur up the wazoo and stainless steel accents juxtaposed against the stacked stone fireplace which cleverly hides the building mechanicals.

The exterior spaces on the hill side of the house include a small patio behind the dining room with a terraced succulent garden and a romantic terrace tree shaded terrace perfect for catered dinner parties and spreading out a week's worth of gossip glossies. Cantilevered terraces extend the interiors spaces on the view side of the house where a long narrow reflecting pool forms a visual barrier between the living spaces and the carpet of lights below. The swimming pool and spa, which appears to hover over the city, have been lined with shiny silver leaf tiles, a visual decadence than not everyone can get away with but seems perfectly appropriate in the home of a male clothing designer known for his dee-luxe and hideously expensive evening dresses.

While Your Mama can certainly appreciate the appeal of this house, it's a bit tough to imagine living in a place like this. Just like some dresses wear the woman, this house could easy over-power and over shadow its inhabitants. That does not seem to be the case for Mister Duke who uses the house as a de facto office, showroom and party space as well as a his private home.

Eight and a quarter million clams is a lot of money in a quickly sinking high end real estate market. However, we do hear from one of our better connected sources in the Hollywood Hills that high priced contemporary houses in the hills are still attracting a lot of attention from buyers with big bank accounts. We shall see children, we shall see.

P.S. Mister Duke's "glamorganic" digs have been photographed and published in about a thousand million publications and online magazines such as Architectural Digest, 1st Dibs, and British Elle Decor as well as the architects' website where the children can see heaps and loads more (and better) photos and floor plans of the place.

P.P.S. If you care about such things, Kanye West lives a few doors down and across the street from Mister Duke in and art-filled kontempary krib.

Who Doesn't Love A Little News About Paula Abdul?

Due to the disturbing and bizarre tragedy of having one of her more fervent and unstable fans off herself in a car down the street from her house, the Laker Gurl turned pop star turned treacly American Idol judge who once (jokingly?) claimed on national tee-vee she was abducted by aliens, has reportedly decided to sell her Sherman Oaks mini-mansion.

Your Mama spent far too much time this morning searching and scouring the interwebs, but we have yet to turn up an official listing for the glassy eyed gal's 4,679 square foot Mediterranean-ish style domicile. However, a peep into the property records reveals Miz Abdul purchased her Beverly Ridge Drive residence in September of 2000 for $1,285,000.

Thanks to our always helpful cohort Babbling Babette we were also also able to suss out that this is not the first time Miz Abdul has attempted to unload her 5 bedroom and 4.5 bathroom homestead that features one of those horrid double curving staircases that are often found in newly built mcmansions trying to look capital "G" Grand, a media room with wood hewn ceiling and a master bedroom with fireplace, gigantic closet, spa-like bath and private, canyon-view balcony overlooking the swimming pool.

Listing records indicate that back in 2003 the gossip magnet listed her house for $1,995,000 and later reduced the asking price to $1,899,00. The following summer she listed the property again, but this time with an asking price of $1,900,000. But alas, no one wanted to buy Miz Abdul's house.

It remains to be seen whether in this rather lackluster real estate market the entrepreneurial singer/choreographer/reality tee-vee queen will be able to sell her house at a number that rings the bells of her bank accounts, but her people are saying that in light of recent events, "it seemed time that she move into a gated community."

In addition to propping up the less talented contestants on American Idol, Miz Abdul also hawks jewerly on QVC, pushes the stoopidly named perfume "Sexy Thoughts" and, despite her much reported chronic back pain, is rumored to be scheduled to appear on the next season of that played out Dancing With the Stars program. Good grief.

photo: Pacific Coast News

Entourage Creator Doug Ellin Selling Starter House

SELLER: Doug Ellin
LOCATION: N. Beverly Drive, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $1,595,000
SIZE: 4 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Great Country English house on lower North Beverly Drive. This house is priced to sell. Over 3,200 sq. ft. Redone hardwood floors, beautiful master suite, 3 fireplaces, great outdoor entertainment space featuring gazebo, hot tub, bbq and fire pit.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: This property may be listed as "priced to sell" and be in escrow with a solid buyer, but that does not change the fact that Your Mama thinks the "Country English" style house listed for sale by Entourage creator/writer/producer Doug Ellin for $1,595,000 is ass-uglee.

Property Records show Mister Ellin and his Missus Melissa picked up their 3,248 square foot faux-timber hot mess on N. Beverly Drive in June of 1998 for $810,000. Listing information shows the not particularly pretty Tudor style house includes 4 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms. Before all your Bev Hills types have a real estate hissy fit, let's just be clear that this house is in the Post Office and not in Beverly Hills proper.

Interior features include a living room with a vaulted ceiling, wood burning fireplace and a couple of zebra skin rugs which are probably the best thing about that room if you don't mind walking on dead animals. The dining features an oddly contemporary "chandelier" that is hung way, way, WAY too high and all dining room chairs with an, uhm, unusual spider web-like back. The black and white seat cushions, however, look promising.

The kitchen appears to have been renovated and includes a long breakfast bar and eating area with French doors that open to the large brick patio in the back yard. A decent sized living room has a behemoth brick wall with a fireplace as its focal point, but we can't see beyond the gigantic brown leather recliner. Listen children, we do not care how comfortable these recliners are, they have no place in a tastefully decorated house. The large master bedroom includes a sitting area, a third fireplace and, sauna or no sauna, a bathroom desperate to be done over by a smart architect and a nice gay decorator.

While we may not care for this house or the uninspired "day-core," we will note and grant with some sincerity that at least this house looks like actual people live in its rooms rather than like a sterile show house with a ball room sized entrance hall designed to impress the guests and the Chinese food delivery man.

Matters improve somewhat in the backyard where we find a large brick terrace, built in barbecue, hot tub, fire pit with a sunken and circular seating area and up the slope a wee bit sits a gazebo. Oh dear. We do like built in barbecues and the Dr. Cooter enjoys soaking his weary bones in a hot tub, but Your Mama hates gazebos almost as much as we dislike pot racks and beige bathtubs.

Property records show Mister and Missus Ellin have moved up in the real estate world by moving down to the Beverly Hills flats where records show they recently forked over six million smackers to purchase a 6,253 square foot house with six bedrooms and seven bathrooms.

The George Bushes New Digs?

(PRESUMED) BUYERS: George and Laura Bush
LOCATION: Daria Place, Dallas, TX
PRICE: Who knows?
SIZE: 8,501 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 4.5 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Well children, it looks like our soon to be ex-President George Dubya Bush and soon to be former First Lady Laura have finally purchased a post-presidency residence (or two) in Preston Hollow, a swank suburb of Dallas. At least that's what Miss Candy Evans who pens the deelishus Dallas Dirt blog reported this morning. And Miss Candy would likely know children because she is unquestionably the best connected real estate gossip in all of Texas.

According to Miss Candy's report, it appears that the not very popular president and his lovely librarian-like wifey have purchased an 8,501 square foot house on a quiet cul-de-sac called Daria Place. The house in question includes 4 bedrooms and 4.5 bathrooms and was purchased by a gentleman named Robert A. McCleskey who happens to be the Bush's Midland, TX based accountant and one of Bushes best buddies. The house (picture top courtesy of Dallas Dirt) does not appear to have been on the open market.

Miss Candy also reports that the 4,684 square foot house immediately next door, listed at $1,600,000, has also went under contract last week. Hmm. Inneresting. Miss Candy posits that this second house would be perfect for housing the soon to be ex-president's Secret Service security detail.

An additional feature of these adjacent properties that would be of great benefit to the George Bushes is that they occupy large, private lots at the tail end of a small cul-de-sac which means egress and ingress can be closely monitored by the Secret Service and would possibly allow them to gate the entire street. Another bonus are the two large and lavish estates that back up to the two properties Miss Candy believes were bought by the Bushes, which obviously cuts down on the number of neighbors who might be inclined to let the paps pay them a few bucks to peep over the back fence in order to snap photos of Laura gardening and Dubya doing whatever it is he does.

So far, and not surprisingly, neither the Bushes real estate agent nor their spokes people are whispering a word about their possible purchases. However, Your Mama would bet our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly and our mean ol' pussy cat Sugar that Miss Candy's deductive detective work is spot on. She usually is.

The Jenner-Kardashians List Hidden Hills Krib

SELLERS: Bruce Jenner and Kris Kardashian
LOCATION: Jed Smith Road, Hidden Hills, CA
PRICE: $3,395,000
SIZE: 3,966 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Winding drive through trees and rolling lawns leads to this immaculate, highly upgraded, one story estate. Romantic covered veranda overlooks the lush grounds. Gorgeous interior offers newer granite kitchen, stainless steel appliances, beautiful marble bath with fireplace, hardwood floors, coffered & open beam ceilings, finished study, skylights, and more. Large yard includes pool & spa w/ flagstone decking, entertaining patio, and room for horses.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: We konfess. Your Mama actually sat through a few episodes of the unbelievably banal reality program Keeping up With the Kardashians during which kameras documented the not particularly interesting lives of the Bruce Jenner/Kris Kardashian family.

The Jenner-Kardashian klan, a modern day Brady Bunch if there ever was one, konsists of 10 children kreated by five different kouplings. There's Casey, Burt, Brandon and Brody Jenner born of Mister Jenner's first two marriages. Then there is Kim, Khloe, Kourtney and Rob Kardashian who resulted from Kris Kardashian's first marriage to O.J. Simpson's attorney Robert Kardashian (who went to meet the great judge in the sky in 2003). And pulling up the rear are Kendall and Kylie Jenner who are the progeny of Mister Jenner and Missus Kardashian-Jenner. It's all so konfusing.

Although he now sells airplanes, Mister Jenner is famous for, of kourse, winning a gold medal in the 1976 Olympics and more recently for his misadventures with plastic surgery which has left him looking bizarrely feminine. Step-daughter Kim Kardashian has somehow managed to make quite a kareer out of her big ass and a sex tape with some dude named Ray J. The rest of the Jenner-Kardashians are famous for for, well, for being related to and friends with other famous people.

But, as usual, we digress. We're here to discuss the real estate, so let's get to the matter at hand. Since June of 2006, the Jenner-Kardashian klan have kalled the guard gated kommunity of Hidden Hills home where they filmed two (and maybe three) seasons of their reality program. However, Mister and Missus Jenner have decided to move on to a new krib because, thanks to a source we'll call Jimmy Jabbermouth, Your Mama has learned the kouple's 1.14 acre property on Jed Smith Road has been listed for sale with an asking price of $3,395,000.

Property records show Mister and Missus Jenner purchased their 3,966 square foot single story kasa in the western suburbs of Los Angeles in June of 2006 for $2,850,000. Listing information shows the house has just 4 bedrooms and 5 bathrooms so it's a good thing all these Jenner and Kardashian kids live in Los Angeles because this house is simply not large enough to house even half of them during the holidays.

The house is accessed down a long, kurving driveway with plenty of parking for the family's fleet of Range Rovers (and Kim's Bentley). A large living room with fireplace and tray ceiling has been done up and did over in shades of gold including a glitzy chandelier and a mad hot Rococo koffee table with a black marble top that would look a-may-zingly kitch on Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter's kovered patio. The recently re-did kitchen is fully functional, if not very exciting, and includes black granite kounter tops, white kabinets and high grade stainless steel appliances, natch. A wine rack has been kustom built into the end of the work island, and from the look of things, the Jenner-Kardashian krew enjoys uncorking a bottle or two...or three or four.

Less formal living spaces include a small library with built in bookshelves, a small flat screen tee-vee and a giant read sofa. The reasonably kommodious family room also has built in book shelves, a flat screen tee-vee, skylights, a breakfast table looking out to the backyard, floral print chairs and accessories and another big red sofa...although this one appears to be a deelishus blood red velvet number that we would not mind owning.

Mister and Missus Jenner's master bedroom features even more kustom cabinetry, a sitting area for getting away from all them kids, another flat scree tee-vee, more sky lights, a fireplace and a beige and white bathroom with fireplace and yet another flat screen tee-vee. We appreciate that Miz Jenner, or her nice gay decorator, did not drape yard after yard of fabric over the four poster bed because we think it looks so much more elegant unadorned.

The back yard centers around a heated swimming pool surrounded by a fabulous flagstone terrace. A gazebo like structure has been placed above the pool which we imagine to be an excellent place to lay around and read the gossip glossies and figuring out more ways to earn more money from Kim's gigantic backside.

Other features, according to listing information, are a three car garage, three fireplaces (two of which are in the master bedroom), an expansive lanai, a children's playhouse and room for equestrian facilities. A large flat area beyond the swimming pool could use a little attention by the gardner because currently it's a hot mess of dirt and weeds.

Considering the kouple have lived in that neck of the woods for some time, it would not be surprising to hear they are moving to a bigger and better property in the famous folks filled kommunity where home owners include Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne, Lisa Marie Presley, Shaun Cassidy, Melissa Etheridge and Tammy Lynn Michaels, Nicolette Sheridan (who bought her house form Miz Etheridge), Tae Bo bigwig Billy Blanks, and that poor Denise Richards ladee who is still trying to sell her house on Long Valley Road.

UPDATE: Mark Wahlberg

During the first week of October Your Mama discussed the Beverly Hill (Post Office) compound of Oscar nominated actor and living in sin Catholic Mark Wahlberg that hit the market with an asking price of $15,900,000.

Well children, early this morning the lovely Ann Brenoff, who pens the Hot Properties column at the struggling L.A. Times, reported that Mister Wahlberg's 5 bedroom and 10.5 bathroom property on Oak Pass Road–which includes a detached guest house, a swimming pool with a Playboy Mansion style grotto, and a gigantic gymnasium with boxing ring–was in the process of being purchased–with cash–by a member of the Saudi Royal family for $14,000,000.

However, an amended and vague report now mysteriously reads simply, "an offer has been made by a Los Angeles business man but there is no finalized deal."

Hmm. Inneresting. Something's fishy. Guess we'll just have to sit tight and see how all this shakes out in the next couple of weeks.

Anyone Want to Sleep in Pauly Shore's Bed?

OWNER: Pauly Shore
LOCATION: Solar Drive, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $15,500/month
SIZE: 3,0124 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Quality Occupants sought for 4bd/2ba Hills home on private/gated drive w/ ample parking.Promontory setting with stunning downtown to ocean views. Updated throughout w/ Limestone & Hardwood floors, Tiled Baths, Wired for Sound, Kitchen has Granite Tops, Stainless Steel appliances and Bamboo Island. Separate Master suite complete w/ Large Walk-in. Available Furnished or Unfurnished. Common areas allow the outdoors to be brought in as collapsible doors invite gentle breezes & fresh air views!

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Listen puppies, sometimes celebrity real estate pickins are slim and today is one of those days. So bear with us while we debase and defile our already not very dignified self and briefly discuss the Hollywood Hills house being offered for lease at $15,500 per month by much maligned and not particularly funny comedian Pauly Shore (Encino Man, Bio-Dome, Minding the Store).

Although Mister Shore may be a colossal show bizness jackass who goes around calling himself "The Weasel" and making spectacularly unfunny movies in which he fakes his own death (Pauly Shore Is Dead) in hopes of reviving his dead, dead, DEAD! career, he still gets to sit in comedy's royal box due to the fact that his mother is comedy queen Mitzi Shore who owns The Comedy Store on the Sunset Strip where legendary comics like Roseanne Barr (or whatever she calls herself nowadays), John Belushi, Andy Kaufman, Sam Kinison, Richard Pryor and many other funny folks worked their actually funny stuff.

Mister Shore has long lived high in the Hollywood Hills on not easily accessed Solar Drive in a low slung modern house which property records show he purchased in May of 1996 for $1,150,000. The gated property, accessed by private drive, occupies a promontory with spine tingling 270 degree views of Runyan and Nichols Canyons, the (not very inspiring) downtown skyline and the glittery lights of Tinseltown below. Records and listing information indicate the updated house measures 3,024 square feet and includes 3 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms (the listing description says 4 bedrooms).

Listing information indicates the house has been wired for sound (nice) and features both wood and limestone floors, tiled baths, granite counters and stainless steel appliances in the kitchen (natch), and floor to ceiling collapsible doors that open the house up to the massive concrete patio surrounding the newly built infinity edged swimming pool and spa. Listing information also indicates the house can be leased furnished or unfurnished. But let's be honest children, who wants to spend $15,500 per month to rent a house with a dining room furnished like the damn breakfast room of a Best Western motel on Interstate 80 and bedroom furniture that looks like it might have been purchased at Ikea? Pleeze.

Mister Shore's nearby neighbors include oil scion and adulterous actor Balthazar Getty (Brothers and Sisters) and Australian actress Sarah Wynter (24, Windfall) whose house is also available for lease at $7,800 per month. Next door to Mister Shore is horror film director Wes Craven (Scream 1-4, A Nightmare on Elm Street) who sued Mister Shore earlier this year claiming construction of Mister Shore's swimming pool compromised the directors property and caused slope failure. As is customary in the U-nited States, Mister Shore filed a counter suit claiming Mister Craven did not maintain the slope properly which caused (or contributed) to the slide. The un-neighborly neighbors have reportedly reached a tentative agreement settling the case before it went to trial.

UPDATE: Candy Spelling

Looks like Your Mama might have received some not quite correct information about the real estate doings of The Widow Spelling.

Just yesterday we discussed a rumor circulating on real estate gossip grapevine that Miz Spelling had backed out of her $47,000,000 contract to purchase the top two floors of a yet to be completed luxury high rise in Century City, CA.

Well, Your Mama just received a very nice email from Miz Spelling's publicist who kindly informed us that Miz Spelling's plans to purchase and move to the (approximately) 16,000 square foot doo-plex atop The Century building have not changed since it was first announced.

Have we got that children?

Are Madge and A-Rod Moving in Together?

Hold on to your britches bitches because the real estate gossip about soon to be dee-vorced superstar Madonna has already begun. According to the folks at Page Six the Kaballah Kween and her heavy hitting major league man-friend Alex "A-Rod" Rodriguez have been spotted discreetly touring townhouses on the Upper East Side of Manhattan.

According to the gossip column's source, both of the soon to be dee-vorced lovebirds are "discreetly looking at properties between Fifth and Park Avenues, from just above 60th Street through the 80s." and are hoping to perhaps pick up a double wide townhouse with a private garage in the $30-60,000,000 range.

Come on! Really?

Additional sources whispered to Page Sixers that the superstar pair are also hunting for a home in the Hamptons.

Pleeze.

We're not saying that the good folks at Page Six have bogus sources, but does anyone really think that Madge the Shrewd is stoopid enough to purchase and cohabitate in a $30,000,000+ mansion with her well muscled rebound boyfriend? Really?

It's certainly possible that the material mommy had a look-see at this impressive Georgian style double wide monster on East 81st Street that includes 26 rooms, 13 bedrooms, 14 terlits, 9 fireplaces, and a private two car garage with interior access (she does seem to like looking at big houses in NYC after all), but we find it difficult to believe she'd ever move her Latin lover into any house she owns. But then again, what do we know about the real estate machinations of the rich and famous?

Anyhoo, Mister A-Rod continues to try to unload the Park Avenue digs where he lived with his ex-wife and baby momma Cynthia (price slashed to $10,000,000 from $14,000,000 or for lease at fifty grand a month) as well as trying to sell the couple's colossal Coral Gables, FL crib currently on the market with an asking price of $14,876,000.

In the aftermath of Madonna's impending (and allegedly bitter) dee-vorce, it remains to be seen what will become of her Beverly Hills estate (on Sunset Boulevard) and her side by side townhouses in the Marylebone area of London. It is presumed she will keep her longtime coop on Central Park West and it has been reported (but not confirmed) that ex-Mister Madonna Guy Ritchie will get to keep Ashcombe House, the couple's 1,200 acre estate in the English countryside.

Is Oprah Flipping Out in Chicago?

SELLER: Oprah Winfrey
LOCATION: E. Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, IL
PRICE: $6,000,000
SIZE: 4,607 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 3.2 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Benjamin Marshall's 1913 Beaux-arts style jewel! This 4,607 square foot home has amazing views from the library, living room, and master. Ten rooms feature ten foot ceilings; formal spaces include an inner foyer, grand reception, living room, library, dining room, solarium, butler's pantry, wine room, gourmet custom kitchen, laundry room, office/3rd bed, en-suite guest bed and master suite.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Way back in December of 2006, not long after Your Mama started our little online endeavor, we discussed a 10-room Chicago condo that was widely rumored and reported to have been purchased by mega media mogul Oprah Winfrey for $5,600,000.

Well children, thanks to a Shaneeta in Chicago we've learned that the very same above mentioned apartment has been listed for sale with an asking price of $6,000,000 which means, of course, that the first lady of talk show television is flipping out in Chicago. Now listen children, like when we first discussed this property, we can not be 100% positive this place is owned by La Oprah. However, between you and us, well, we'd bet our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly it is.

Listing information for the 6th floor apartment in a swanky Beaux-arts building on posh E. Lake Shore Drive in the Streeterville neighborhood reveals it measures in at 4,607 square feet and includes three bedrooms and 3.2 bathrooms. We're not quite sure what exactly a .2 bathroom is, but we'll just move on from that real estate mind bender.

In addition to a large inner foyer and large reception room for receiving hoity toity guests and paying the pizza man, the sprawling unit includes a living room, dining room, wood paneled library with a green marble surrounded fireplace, a decked out galley kitchen, solarium, a butler's pantry, a 462 bottle wine room for all the wine loving rich folks and a large laundry room. (Do you think The Big O does her own laundry or does she have a full time gurl for that?). One of the three bedrooms has been or can be used as an office, according to listing information.

Additional features of the pet friendly buildinginclude a 24/7 doorman, a work out room (can you see Miss Oprah sweating with the other rich residents of this building?), private storage space, and heated garaging for 2 automobiles, a feature that anyone who has ever been to Chicago in February can appreciate. And while it does not say so, you can bet if Oprah even considered living here the security is scary good.

The dee-luxe building, built in 1913, requires monthly association fees of $9,213 and the taxes will run almost another four grand a month. But it should come as no surprise to anyone that an exclusive building like this would have insanely high monthly fees.

Previous residents of the 12-story 13-unit building are said to include dead comedian John Candy and according to property records, other current residents of the building design maven Holly Hunt and jeweler Deborah Friedman who hawks elaborate and expensive jewel encrusted baubles.

Because the photos for this apartment show it totally void of furniture and furnishings, we can't be sure if this is the E. Lake Shore Drive apartment where Miz Winfrey generously (and reportedly) let Oscar winning singer/actress Jennifer Hudson hole up in the aftermath of the terrible homicides that recently beset her family.

We can't be troubled to list the details of all the many properties The Big O owns around the country (leave that to Mister Big Time), but suffice to say she's got a $50,000,000+ place in Montecito, CA she calls "Promised Land," ocean front property in Maui, several condos in Atlanta, another in Milwaukee, more in Florida (that she's been selling off), a condo in Nashville and house in nearby Franklin, TN, a house in rural Indiana, and heaven only knows how many houses and condos in and around Chicago. And that's not even counting the places she's bought for her best gurl friend Gail in both Greenwich, CT and New York City.

Your Mama Hears...

...From a little birdie that notoriously brusque and brash comedienne Wanda Sykes (The New Adventures of Old Christine, Back at the Barnyard, Curb Your Enthusiam)bought a modest house in Media, Pennsylvania. Pennsylvania? Media? Whaaat?

Ain't nuthin' wrong with the P.A. children, but suburban Philly just isn't where Your Mama imagined the newly out and about lezbeeun ladee would be picking up property. However, a little look-see into property records and, sho enuf, it appears that Miz Sykes and another ladee–perhaps her special ladee?–recently forked over $500,000 to buy a house in small town Media, PA which bills itself as "Everyone's Hometown." For what it's worth, Paul (Dimeo) the Carpenter from that emotionally maudlin and impossible to watch without vomiting Extreme Makeover: Home Edition program is also from Media, PA.

Prop records show that the sassy and snarkalicious sister also owns a 2,268 square foot house on Dixie Canyon Avenue in the Sherman Oaks section of Los Angeles which she scooped up in April of 2004 for $1,295,000.

Your Mama Hears...

...from the always informative Babbling Babette that the widow Spelling has backed out of her $47,000,000 contract to purchase the top two floors of the yet to be completed A.M. Stern designed building called The Century in the Century City area of Los Angeles.

Your Mama has no idea why Candy darling has decided against the 16,000 square foot custom designed penthouse with 360 degree views of Los Angeles, but according to Babette, she did.

We're sure that Miz Brenoff down at the battered and beleaguered L.A. Times will soon get the scoop and all the juicy 411, so keep your eyes peeled for that.

Aaron Zelman Selling High Above Beachwood Canyon

SELLERS: Aaron Zelman and Cynthia Lamontagne
LOCATION: Deronda Drive. Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $1,999,999
SIZE: 2,936 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Exquisite private 1926 Beachwood Canyon Spanish home on rare 15,000+ sf double lot. Walled courtyard leads to rotunda entry w/ beautiful original tile floor. Living room features beamed ceiling, mahogany floors, fireplace & floor to ceiling windows that capture canyon, city & ocean views. Chef's kitchen, cozy media room & spacious master w/ Waterworks bath. 4 bed + exercise/bonus room with striking views. Patio featured in June '08 issue of InStyle magazine. Orchard like yard.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: While flipping through all the lovely Los Angeles listings last week we sat up and took notice because not only do we get goosebumps over 1920s Spanish style houses in beautiful Beachwood Canyon we also recall recently flipping though magazines while bored stiff at some unfortunate gin and tonic free barbecue and seeing the pretty patio of this Deronda Drive house in InStyle magazine.

For some reason, we didn't bother to peep into the property records until this morning when we received a covert communique that pointed towards a celebrity person owning the house. We were told by our talkative tipster that the house is (or was) owned by actress Mary Stuart Masterson.

Well, as it turns out, Miz Stuart Masterson did own this house but property records show she sold it off in July of 2005 to another Tinseltown couple for $1,504,000. Records we accessed show the house is currently owned and being offered for sale at $1,999,999 by television producer Aaron Zelmon (Law & Order, Criminal Minds, Damages) and his bit part ack-tress wifey Cynthia Lamontagne (1 episode of Dharma & Greg, 2 episodes of Frasier, 6 episodes of That 70s Show and etc.). Do not even ask Your Mama how to pronounce that ladee's last name because we do not know.

Some of the more industry related children will already know that Mister Aaron Zelman is the brother of writer/producer Daniel Zelman (Damages) who is married to red-headed residual rich Will and Grace alum Debra Messing (who live in Bel Air).

Anyhoo, listing information and property records for the hillside property show the house was built in 1926, measures in at a modest 2,936 square feet and includes 4 bedrooms and 3.5 bathrooms. It would appear that the house was built as part of the original Hollywoodland development.

A small courtyard at the front of the property leads guests to the rotunda entrance that features the original tile floor. We could do without the silly round table with the sunflowers. The beamed ceiling living room has a fireplace and a large arched window with glittery canyon views. The adjacent dining room, painted the same too yellow yellow as the living room leads to the renovated kitchen. Upon first glance we are quite impressed with the kitchen. We like the big Wolf brand range and the tile backsplash and we are appreciative that someone went through the trouble to paint the inside of the glass fronted cabinets, a lovely detail. However, we soon realize there is a pot rack hanging over the work island. A pot rack! We know many people like those things, but seriously folks, they can be very dangerous. Not only can ladees and gentleman alike get their weaves all stuck up in there, in an earthquake one of those things could easily brain you if it gets to swinging. Being taken out by your pot rack is not a very dignified way to die.

A small room has been converted into a a vaguely Moroccan style media room. While we do imagine that curving sofa is perfect for orgies and porn shoots, it's not really the most comfy looking sofa for settling in for a long night of reality television.

The master bedroom, all green and blue and tropical, has beautiful dark wood floors and a Waterworks bathroom with gorgeous green tile. Normally green isn't a good color for the bathroom because it makes the ladees look sickly when applying the make up, but we'll make an exception for this one because it appears to be especially well done. We particularly like the fold up bench in the shower where Your Mama could sit our lazy ass down after a vigorous body scrubbing.

Listing information indicates the down sloping lot is more than 15,000 square feet and the rear terraces have been did up and done over to function as outdoor living spaces. Not only is there a built in barbecue center for cooking up a side of beef, a narrow and tiled terrace has been outfitted with curving, cushioned benches and a beat up farm table with vibrant blue chairs. This isn't exactly what Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter would do with this terrace, but we can imagine it's a lovely spot to smoke a doobie and get slowly and comfortably boozed up in the twilight hours with friends.

We haven't a clue why Mister Zelman and Miz LaMontagne would choose to sell this dee-lishus house, but they are and we wish them all the best as they move on to their next home. As for Miz Stuart Masterson, property records show that she and her new huzband have homes in both Brooklyn, NY and in a small upstate New York town called Stuyvesant.

Since...

...we took an unexpected few days off to enjoy the Turkey Day with our family, let Your Mama start off the week slow with a bit of real estate scuttlebutt to ease ourselves back in the gossip groove.
Over the weekend, we heard from our old pal Linda Likestotalk who gave us a bit more lowdown on the N. Carmelina Avenue mansion in Brentwood, CA at which Jenufleck (or whatever it is that the gossip glossies call Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner) have been frequently spotted and photographed and were widely reported to have purchased (pictured above).

Well children, according to Miz Likestotalk, after being looked at several times by Hollywood hotshots like Judd Apatow and (too) many times by Afflegar (or whatever), the newly built Brentwood Park adjacent property has gone into escrow with the daughter of construction king Ron Tutor. Although

The children will recall that it was Mister Tutor who recently plunked down a breathtaking $32,200,000 for an unfinished hotel sized house in Beverly Park. It appears that not all super rich folks have been left with tight fists after the staggering stock and wealth evaporating market plunge.

Miz Likestotalk did not whisper the agreed upon sale price, the 12,000 (approx.) square foot, 7 bedroom and 8 bathroom house was last listed at $14,950,000.

The Tutor filial and family will be surrounded by other rich and famous folks like Ariana Huffington–She-ra of the Huffington Post, natch–and former chat hostess Ricki Lake who both call North Carmelina Avenue home. It is the very same swank Westside street where actor Toby Maguire and his newly preggers wifey Jennifer Meyers paid big money for a large vacant lot earlier this year and will presumably (if somewhat improbably) build their Barbie Dream House.

P.S. Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter hope you had a magnificent Thanksgiving holiday.