The Beige Bisno Behemoth in Beverly Park

SELLER: Robert Bisno
LOCATION: Beverly Park Circle, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $29,500,000
SIZE: 16,800 square feet (approx.), 5 bedrooms, 9 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Fabulous estate on over five lush acres. Magnificent entry. Luxurious master suite w/ exquisite his/her master bath, adjoining gym & spa. Features a media room, piano room & wood paneled, two-story office, elevator. Brand new, brick-lined wine cellar w/ its own dining and living areas. Glorious kitchen that leads out to a meticulously manicured rose garden, a gorgeous pool & step-down tennis court. Outdoor cabana w/ expansive living area, bar & bath. Private walking paths throughout the property.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: While normally we focus on the homes of celebrity types, we're going to branch out just a bit this morning and talk about a huge house recently listed for sale in Beverly Park, the grandiose grand daddy of luxury gated communities in southern California. The mansion, owned by controversial and prolific property developer Robert Bisno and one of six Beverly Park palaces currently on the open market, has popped up with an asking price of $29,500,000.

Some of the children will recall that back in the Spring of 2008 Your Mama has discussed this mammoth mansion on several previous occasions because there was a bit of brouhaha about the opulent property coming thisclose to being foreclosed...a very rare thing along the rarefied and ridiculously rich streets of Beverly Hills.

Although it would seem that big biznessman Bisno managed to pull his large and lavish home from the angry and gaping maw of foreclosure, he's decided to sell the extremely expensive to maintain property which records and listing information reveals measures in at approximately 16,800 square feet and sits on a five-plus acre lot. Sixteen thousand square feet may be the size of damn boo-teek hotel, however, it is hardly one of the larger houses in Beverly Park where really rich real estate size queens go to gloat and strut their deep pockets in a peacockian display meant to impress, well, everybody.

Listing information indicates the Bisno residence has five bedrooms and nine bathrooms including a master bedroom bigger than most houses that features dual master bathrooms, gargantuan walk in closets, and an adjoining gym and spa. Even though we don't like the overall day-core in the master bedroom we are totally and completely in love with that gildeda nd gorgeously campy four poster bed. It's truly horrible, but we could work that shit out.

Other features, according to listing information, are a double height living room done up in all manner of beige and champagne colored furniture and a mostly brown dining room for 12 or more with an intricately carved ceiling that looks like it might have been imported from some old castle somewhere. The two-story paneled office/library includes floor to ceiling book cases filled with books that don't even look like they're real (they may be, they just don't look like it to our untrained eye). The gore-may kitchen features a breakfast room, all the refrigerators, ovens and warming drawers a private chef might require, and the largest and most dangerous copper pot laden pot rack Your Mama has ever had the misfortune of laying our beady little eyes on. Sitting in those hideous armchairs at that breakfast bar is taking your life into your own hands and we do not recommend eating toast or pancakes or anything else while sitting there unless you are wearing a damn football helmet and you have all your life insurance in order.

Other rooms include a grand entrance hall with a swooping staircase, a piano room, den, a lackluster family room with even more champagne colored divans, a beige media room with beige recliners and beige carpeting, and somewhere–rather surprisingly–is a room devoted entirely to a ping pong table. We've never seen this particular quirk before and we really and truly do not know how to process that information.

On the lower floor, the Bisno's have installed a brick lined wine cellar that includes a large game room, a small tasting room as well as its own living room and dining rooms. All the well to do winos of the world will love the basement rooms so that they can can always be comfortable and within safe staggering distance of their high priced wines and spirits. And too, they'll appreciate the elevator to whisk their boozy butts all the way up to the second floor bedrooms.

The extensively landscaped and meticulously maintained grounds include a very green and long lawn that probably costs as much to maintain every year as it does to buy a Mercedes, a long swimmers pool and spa with an adjacent pool house and bath, and a sunken tennis court for which Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter would kill to have in our own, much smaller backyard.

Listen children, other than the tennis court, the dee-voonly ridiculous bed in the master bedroom and the extensive wine cellar there's really little here that we can honestly swoon about. We certainly prefer to live with much more color around us (what is it with very rich people and their beige day-core?), we have far more contemporary taste in furniture and art than we see up in this mansion, and we'd sooner live in a cardboard box than be subjected to the obvious dangers of that leviathan pot rack. However, this is clearly how many of the super rich residents all over Los Angeles like to live as is evidenced by the many (MANY) other mansions we've discussed with very expensive but atrociously banal and beige day-core. Our decorative cries and pleas will surely go unheard and unheeded and that's just fine. Everyone has a right to live any way they want.

Other bonuses of living in Beverly Park are the guarded gates, the smug knowledge that everyone around you is impossibly rich, the private (and heavily armed) private security that patrol the wide and empty streets 24/7, and a private play park for the kids which we're told is NEVER used since everyone in Bev Park has the space and means to provide their youngins with private back yard play grounds. Plus, if you act quickly, you might be lucky enough to have that diminutive musician Prince–who currently leases one of the mega-mansions in Beverly Park–come ringing your bell and knocking on your elaborately carved door with the latest issue of Awake and a few words of whispered religious wisdom.

UPDATE: Nic Cage

Okay children, we too thought we were done discussing Mister Nic Cage and his great real estate sell off, but thanks to a generous and thoughtful source we'll call Mister Wingwang we now have better (and more) photos of and a floor plan for the Olympic Tower apartment that Mister Cage put on the market and then took off as quickly as a hummingbird flaps its little wings

The new photos include a look-see into one of the bedrooms which offers an undeniably spectacular view of the Empire State Building. Mister Cage, or his nice gay decorator, has placed a Frank Gehry designed Power Play armchair in one corner and what appears to be a Mies van der Rohe Barcelona day bed at the foot of the bed. Both solid if obvious choices for a furniture collector. The bathroom appears to have been done up with mirrors and black onyx, which certainly looks, uhm, dramatic.

The rather oddly configured floor plan shows that the two combined apartments on the 48th floor actually have three separate entrances, two kitchens and a wet bar in the playroom. In addition to the two primary bedrooms there is also a "sleep area" where we presume the nanny or Mister Cage's death rocker son is stashed when visiting.

Your Mama is certainly not any kind of authority of New York City condo pricing and certainly each person is entitled to whatever their own vision of real estate heaven but a quick look into the internets proves that for almost ten million clams we could find a much better resolved and far more intriguing apartment. Say this full floor unit at the stunning but not yet built Herzog & de Meuron designed tower in TriBeCa. Or maybe this crazy co-op on Park Avenue that was done by architecture's most famous color queens Stamberg Aferiat. Or, for a lot less money, a posh place at the legendarily dee-voon Dakota where you might have the distinct pleasure of seeing Yoko Ono taking out the trash in her slippers.

Andy Dick: Valley Boy?

BUYER: Andy Dick
LOCATION: Hatteras Street, Woodland Hills, CA
PRICE: $703,000
SIZE: 2,429 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: ...Enter this one-story home- the model home of its tract–and you are immediately looking at a 15,000 s.f. flat lot w/ pool spread out before you like your own private park! You know exactly how to bring this exposed beam, hi ceilinged diamond-in-the-rough to estate status....

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Ack-tor, "comedian," and professional fool Andy Dick is well known for taking his indecent, inappropriate and, frankly, not particularly funny ways wherever he may go and now the lucky residents of the San Fernando Valley have this hot mess of a man to contend with. Yes children, property records show that back in January of 2008 Mister Dick purchased a house on Hatteras Street in hotter than Hades Woodland Hills.

For all the children who live under a gossip rock and don't already know far too much about his public shenanigans let Your Mama give you a small sampling of Mister Dick's alarming behavior. Mister Dick has been rehabbed at least thrice, sired three children with two women, was recently picked up and taken to the pokey for allegedly groping a teenage gurl in some forsaken California town called Murieta, been booted from more parties than there are numbers to count and sometimes, unfortunately, flashes his peen for crowds. We'd feel bad for Mister Dick and his apparent issues with booze and other nefarious substances, but we sort think that he's made his obscene behavior and public inebriation into his professional gimmick. And as everyone knows, "You Gotta Have a Gimmick" if you want to get ahead.

Anyhoo, property records show that the out and proud bisexual forked over $703,000 to buy a three bedroom and 2 bathroom house that measures in at 2,429 square feet. Listing information shows the house was built in 1963 as the model home for the tract development in which is sits and was marketed as a fixer upper. We're not exactly sure how it is that Mister Dick makes his money, but let's hope he has a few pennies left for the renovations.

We'll probably catch some serious heat for saying this but Your Mama would sooner call hell home than shack up in Woodland damn Hills where temperatures regularly hover around 100 degrees. None-the-less, Mister Dick's new home has a vaguely Wexler and Eichler-esque quality to it and we think with a smart architect, an attractive landscaper and a nice gay–or in Dick's case, bisexual–decorator it just might be possible to turn this into a lovely, if not particularly well located, mid-century residence. Plus, we're digging the secluded free-form swimming pool surrounded by tons of flagstone.

Property records show Mister Dick also owns two undeveloped parcels in Topanga Canyon that reports indicate span roughly 80 acres and we've recently heard through the gossip grapevine that he is either renting or purchased a live/work condo on Cahuenga Boulevard near Universal City but we're unable to confirm that with property records right now so don't none of you go reporting that like it's celebrity real estate gospel.

Lenny Kravitz Slashes Penthouse Price. Again.

Looks like the prodigiously pierced Grammy winning musician Lenny Kravitz might finally be getting serious (or desperate) about selling his downtown Manhattan penthouse apartment that has been for sale for-evah.

Located in the same Crosby Street boo-teek building that curious Courtney Love ladee once called home, the approximately 6,000 square foot triplex now carries an asking price of $14,995,000. A year ago when Your Mama discussed the over-processed penthouse it had an asking price of $19,500,000.

The apartment has been all did up and worked over in the many shades of brown by Mister Kravitz's personal design team and as it turns out, one of Your Mama's well connected confreres, a gal we'll call Misty Mortified, has been inside this penthouse. While sipping a designer beer and sucking on a cancer stick Misty gleefully recounted her visits to the residential extravaganza telling us there are more terlits than she could keep track of (we count nine on the floor plan), a sterile kitchen (plus two more kitchenettes), a shower room that opens right into the damn hallway, "beaver fur couches sprayed with perfume" that got her allergies up and that the only personal item in the entire place is a giant mural of his mother Roxy Roker that greets guests as they step off the elevator.

This is the very same apartment that famously suffered from "blocked, clogged, and congested" terlits that resulted in several lawsuits. Clotted up crappers or not, Mister Kravitz is reported to have previously leased the four bedroom place to several high profile people like Oscar winning actor Denzel Washington and Oscar winning actress Nicole Kidman. As far as we know, Mister Kravitz also maintains a long owned but recently rehabbed residence on Biscayne Point Circle in Miami as well as an apartment in gay Paree.

Another Celeb Biting the Real Estate Dust

Uh dear. We know not a one of you will have an ounce of compassion, but another famous person has been taken out by the hammer of foreclosure. According to a Palm Beach Post columnist, former Fugee Wyclef Jean has some serious real estate woes down in Miami Beach, FL where a waterfront property owned by the Haitian hip hopper has been foreclosed and is scheduled to be sold at auction on December 12.

According to property records and recent reports, back in October of 2004 a bizness entity comprised of Mister Jean and others took a $2,000,000 mortgage on a canal front property on Miami Beach's posh Pine Tree Drive. The plans, apparently, were to rebuild the house and, we suspect but can not confirm, sell the property on at a prodigious profit. However, the project ran into financial troubles and was abandoned two years ago and built up fines of $6,200 by the city of Miami Beach. A series of construction liens were filed on the property including a $75,000 lien by the project architects. Eventually, the creditors became as angry as a hooker in church and forced a foreclosure.

The bizness group that includes Mister Jean now reportedly owes (approx.) $2,400,000 on the property. Guess we'll have to wait until December 12 to see if the the property will pull in someone with 2.4 million clams who is willing to take on the expensive headache of completing the construction.

Property records show Mister Jean has owned dee-luxe digs on Cameron Road in swanky Saddle River, New Jersey since July of 1998 where he and the wifey plunked down $1,850,000 for a 2 acre estate.

Nic Cage Is At It. Again.

SELLER: Nicholas Cage
LOCATION: Fifth Avenue, New York, NY
PRICE: $9,750,000
SIZE: 3,550 square feet, 3 bedrooms and 3.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: L.A. glamour in the heart of Gotham City. These two adjacent, dramatic and rarely available apartments with internal access to one another are located on a high floor with sweeping and breathtaking views of all of Manhattan. The apartments benefit from unparalleled views and flair–this is the way New York should be seen....

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Jeezis, Mary and Jehoshaphat we are getting so damn sick and tahrd of discussing the capricious and constant real estate machinations of Oscar winning property maven Nicholas Cage. Not only is the hairific actor attempting to lighten his real estate load by selling his huge house in Bel Air (recently price chopped from $29,999,000 to $24,950,000), he's also recently listed a private island in the Bahamas, one of his two houses in New Orleans, a resplendent residence in Rhode Island, an ass uglee mansion in Las Vegas, and last week he foisted his New York City pied a terre on to the market with an asking price $9,750,000.

However, after just a few short hours on the open market, the listing for the 48th floor spread high above Fifth Avenue was unceremoniously yanked and mysteriously marked "temporarily" off the market on the always informative StreetEasy listing service. Not sure if this means Mister Cage decided not to sell, if someone jumped the gun by putting the listing online or if it's just an attempt to put the kibosh on all the tongue wagging by the real estate gossips. Uh oh. Too late.

Anyhoo, property records and recent reports reveal that Mister Cage purchased two adjacent units on the 48th floor of the Olympic Tower in 2004 and 2005 for a combined price of $5,500,000. Together, according to listing information, the apartments measure approximately 3,550 square feet and include 3 bedrooms and 3.5 bathrooms.

The teeny tiny photographs we were able to locate show a corner living room wrapped in vertigo inducing floor to ceiling glass that turns Manhattan into a glittering carpet of lights below. We are not sure who does the day-core of all Mister Cage's many mansions, but in this case we are rather unimpressed. Yes, we do dig the twin Eames loungers which provide a perfect place for cat napping, perusing the tabs, peering out over the city and/or letting a big gin and tonic slowly seep into the blood stream. However, we're concerned about that rug which looks far too much like the pelt of our perfidious pussy Sugar for our comfort. Besides, how ever does one vacuum that thing? More disruptive to our equilibrium is that crazy track lighting bending, swooping and swirling all across the damn ceiling. For what it's worth, and it ain't worth nuthin', A couple of striking floor lamps and a stoopidly modern or aggressively organic chandelier over the dining room table would have been much more preferable to Your Mama.

The Olympic Tower, sheathed in a curtain of brown tinted glass, has long housed rich and powerful people since it was built in 1976 by Aristotle Onassis as a mixed use building with high profile retail space on the ground floor, (approx.) 20 floors of office space and 29 floors of luxury condos above. Previous residents have included any number of foreign dignitaries whose wives appreciated its proximity to Bergdorf Goodman, the Gucci family who owned an 18-room doo-plex, Pink Floyd front man Roger Waters, and billionaire arms-dealer Adnan Khashoggi who famously had a 16' long swimming pool installed in his large and lavish doo-plex apartment after the building was completed, an expensive feat of engineering if there ever was one.

Leonardo DiCaprio is Flipping Out in Malee-boo

SELLER: Leonardo DeCaprio
LOCATION: Pacific Coast Highway, Malibu, CA
PRICE: $7,999,000 (reduced from $8,999,000)
SIZE: 2,374 square feet, 2 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Distinctive contemporary on the bluffs above the ocean complete with new stairway to the cove below. The interior is a collection of elegant open spaces looking out to the beautiful gardens and your hot tub tucked away on the ocean front. A separate guest house containing to 1-bedroom suites. A four car garage and long winding driveway complete this beautiful estate.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: In January of 2007 Oscar nominated actor Leonardo DiCaprio, who is soon to be reunited with his Titanic co-star Kate Winslet in the big screen adaptation of Richard Yates' stunning novel Revolutionary Road, very quietly scooped up an ocean front house riding high on the Encinal Bluffs in Malee-boo for what property records reveal was $6,350,000.

As far as Your Mama can piece together, this was Mister DiCaprio's third residence along the pricey shores of Malee-boo. Records show he owns ocean front house on one of the larger lots in the celebrity packed, guard gated and super desirable Malibu Colony as well as one of the more modest ocean front houses on Carbon Beach. So, let's be honest children, few rich and famous folks need three houses in Malee-boo so it makes sense that he would choose to sell one of them, right?

Anyhoo, thanks to the very generous and always on top of things AerialDave, we've learned that Mister DiCaprio is flipping the Encinal Bluffs property with an rather surprising asking price of $8,999,000. Your Mama's bejeweled abacus tells us that asking price computes to a staggering and perhaps optimistic price increase of $2,649,000 in less than two years.

Yes, the listing for the 2,374 square foot house does state that Mister DiCaprio installed a very long, death defying, lung busting and butt battering staircase down the treacherous and extremely high bluff to the private cove That is a wonderful improvement to the property and everything, but good lawhd children, only the most fit and intrepid beach goer who has a note from their cardiologist should be climbing up and down that insanely long flight of stairs. We could probably struggle down, but Your Mama surely knows we'd pass right out before getting back to the top.

In addition to the 2 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms in the crisply contemporary main house, the DiCaprio crib includes a detached four car garage with two 1-bedroom guest units above. Ain't nothing better in Your Mama and the Dr. Cooters book of residential real estate pluses and minuses than having not just one, but TWO guest units that ensure we are not subjected to the awful thump of late night fornicating coming from the guest room. And make no mistake puppies, your guests are gettin' bizzy on those 600 thread count Frette linens your maid stretches across the guest bed.

One of those uglee plug-in spas has been plopped onto the rear deck which probably makes for a spine tingling spot to sit and slug down a gin and tonic at sunset. But really children, a man this rich who has free and easy access to all sorts smart architects and nice gay decorators should have demanded something more from his people than just dragging the damn thing off the truck and settin' it down willy-nilly on the deck.

While we do not recommend it, a person could not swing a feral cat in the Encinal Bluffs area of Malee-boo without knocking over a celebrity. Not only does the freakishly tall and Emmy winning Brad Garrett own the house next door, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's modern extravaganza is just a short walk down the beach, that is if you can make it down all them damn stairs.

It's no secret that Mister DiCaprio also owns two adjacent houses on Oriole Way in the Bird Street section of the hoity toity Hollywood Hills, one of which he purchased for $2,000,000 from aging pop queen Madonna although it's now been renovated to beyond recognition of the house where Madge shacked owned the place. He probably has all sorts of other properties but, quite frankly, we've typed our fingers to the nubbins this morning and we're too damn tired to look.

Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony List Bel Air Mansion

SELLERS: Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony
LOCATION: St. Pierre Road, Bel Air, CA
PRICE: $7,900,000 (reduced from $8,500,000)
SIZE: 7,357 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 5.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: French Farmhouse Estate. Stunning, published, walled and gated villa on 3/4 acre in old Bel Air. Incredible quality and imported materials. An authentic European ambiance rarely seen. Extraordinary specimen gardens, paths, pool, pool house, large guest hse/studio. Second gated entry.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Ooooo children, get ready for a celebrity real estate fire storm because it looks like LaLopez and her skeletal skinny huzband Marc Anthony are tha-roo with Los Angeles because we've recently come to understand that the Long Island based super-couple have listed their Bel Air mansion with an asking price of $8,500,000.

Records show the singing and dancing duo purchased the St. Pierre Road estate in January of 2005 for an undisclosed sum of money. Listing information reveals the French Farmhouse style residence measures in at 7,357 square feet and includes four bedrooms and just 5.5 bathrooms. Honestly puppies, we would have thought Miz Lopez would have like 10 or 12 terlits up in that house so that she need not ever walk more than a few feet to reach the pooper.

Listing information also indicates the Old Bel Air property includes a separate and large guest house/studio as well as a pool house adjacent to the swimming pool. There are extensive specimen gardens with meandering pathways and you know that there is not a petal of place in this garden or Miss Thing would take notice and have the kind of conniption fit only a celebrity of her caliber can have.

It's well known that the somewhat reclusive couple have lately been hunkering down at the heavily secured Long Island estate that Mister Lopez once shared with his previous wifey Dayanara Torres. We're talking armed guards children. Of course, it goes without saying that the Brookville, NY mansion has been ripped up, done over and re-did in order to erase any trace of the former Mrs. Anthony in order to make way for LaLopez and her recently born twins.

We're sure more information and details will soon be poring out of the blogs and gossip glossies about Mister and Missus Lopez's house and their decision to sell at this point and time. But for now, this is all we got.

Lower photo: Pacific Coast News

Your Mama Hears...

...from a ladee we'll call Leilani Likestogab that Oscar winning actor and People magazine's 2007 sexiest man alive Matt Damon and his hit the jackpot wifey Luciana have been dragging their entourage all up and down the Upper West Side sniffing around for new digs.

According to Leilani, the couple is looking for a large apartment in the $20,000,000 range that will comfortably house their three children (two together, one from her previous marriage), a nanny or two and still have room for his visiting Boston buddies and, natch, the visiting grandparents.

Mister and Missus Damon have lived primarily in Miami Beach, FL where they own a 9 bedroom and 10 bathroom waterfront mansion on N. Bay Road which records show was purchased in April of 2005 for $10,300,000. Later that year they also scooped up the neighboring property for $4,200,000, knocked the house down and built themselves a bigger, larger and better swimming pool complex.

Mister Damon has also owned a New York City pied a terre since 1999 when he bought a large downtown apartment on Lafayette Street new Astor Place where he installed a basketball court in the basement. Yes children, he did. Right in the middle of Manhattan.

Anyhoo, we wish the Damons big luck looking for a new crib because even with a twenty million dollar budget, there just aren't that many six or eight bedroom apartments on the Upper West Side.

Justin Timberlake Drops a Wad on a Manhattan Pied a Terre

BUYER: Justin Timberlake
LOCATION: Washington Street, New York, NY
PRICE: $4,774,000
SIZE: 3,000 square feet (approx.), 3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Sunsets on the river every night at this 3 bedroom, 3 bathroom loft home offering gracious entertaining space in the extravagantly over sized living areas as well as four exposures, 14 floor to ceiling arched windows, fabulous river views and completed with a brand new lighting package and built in Sonos sound system featuring inclusive Lutron technology controlling temperature, lights, sounds, shades and more....

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: We're going to jump on celebrity real estate gossip Braden Keil's bandwagon this morning to discuss the New York City pied a terre he reported in his most recent Gimme Shelter column that former baby faced boy bander turned international sex symbol pop star Justin Timberlake picked up at the Pearline Soap Factory building for $4,774,000.

In addition to being a rich, ridiculously successful and talented–if kinda cheesy–singer and performer, Mister Timberlake must also be a swell negotiator because listing information shows this fifth floor condominium carried an asking priced at $5,250,000 with taxes and maintenance coming in at $2,972 per month. That means Mister Sexyback managed to get the developer/seller to take half a million clams less than was desired, which is probably a direct reflection of how the Wall Street financial fiasco is affecting high end Manhattan real estate.

Listing information also reveals that the Washington Street loft has keyed elevator access directly into the unit, measures in at approximately 3,000 square feet and features a living room space as large as a damn roller rink ringed by floor to ceiling arched windows looking west over the mighty Hudson River and towards the not particularly glorious New Jersey skyline.

All three of the bedrooms face east including the window wrapped master bedroom which the floor plan shows has only two closets. We just can't imagine two closets will be nearly enough space to fit all Mister Timberlake's sneakers and his bee stung lipped gurly-babe Jessica Biel's questionable collection of premier outfits. Perhaps the living in sin couple plan on turning the middle bedroom into a large dressing room and closet? We'd certainly recommend such an alteration because no one wants to see these two love birds cat fighting over closet space. Also, we would suggest that Mister Timberlake get a nice gay decorator to frost the lower windows in the master bathroom lest nosy neighbors across Laight Street be popping pictures of the pair as they're doing their dirty bizness.

Listing information indicates the cooking center, open to the living and dining room space, has been fitted and kitted with all the latest, greatest and most expensive appliances includes a Wolf cook top and grill, a Wolf double wall oven, a gigantic 48" SubZero refrigerator/freezer, a wine cooler and a Miele dishwasher. Somehow it still looks, well, cheap.

Now children, before you get all persnickety about the colossal failure in day-core, keep in mind that no one lives in this apartment. The unit was staged by the building's developer to entice a buyer. And entice a buyer it did.

Back on the west coast, Your Mama has heard all sorts of whispered rumors that Justin and his ladee friend Jessica have been hunting around for new Los Angeles residence they can share. However we've also heard from a little birdie that Miss Biel is shacking up in Justin's very private 12,545 square foot house on Torreyson Place–which he bought from ack-tress Helen Hunt–where he's been spending major moolah renovating a few of the nine poopers. So who knows?

As for Miss Biel's real estate doings, records show she's got a 1,676 square foot condo on California Street in Santa Monica, as far as we know she still owns her house on S. Anita Avenue in Brentwood which records show she bought in December of 2204. There have been reports that since Miss Biel has moved in with her man she's been letting her family use the house. Who knows?

Dewey Nicks Is Picture Perfect in Beverly Hills

SELLER: Dewey and Stephanie Nicks
LOCATION: N. Sierra Drive, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $5,625,000
SIZE: 4,429 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Perfectly designed for chic entertaining and comfortable living in the prestigious Beverly Hills flats. This stylish traditional has been recently renovated from the ground up by renowned architects Marmol & Radzinger and celebrity interior designer Brad Dunning. Garden by Chris Brock. This home has the sophistication and glamour of the Beverly Hills Hotel with the latest and greatest amenities.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Simmer down children, Your Mama knows you people probably don't have a clue who this Dewey Nicks dude is but we can assure you that if you have eyes you have seen his work. Mister Nicks is a famous (former) fashion photographer who shot photographs for prominent publications such as Vogue, Harper's Bazaar, W and our favorite for terlit room reading, Vanity Fair. He's also directed commercials for fashionista folks like Guess and Hugo Boss, made the fantastic photos for a faboo coffee table book called Kustom and he also directed the film Slackers. So he may not be a real live celebrity in the classic sense of the word, but he certainly plays in the same sandbox. Okaaay?

Plus, Man and Wifey Nicks are selling their celebrity style house in Beverly Hills that has been done up by architecture hotshots Marmol & Radziner with a wacky, whimsical but still quite taut interior worked over hard (HARD!) by mucketymuck decorator Brad Dunning. The much lauded Mister Dunning–who has nipped and tucked the living quarters of such luminaries Tom Ford, filmmakers Sofia Coppola and Spike Jonz (back when they were coupled), and Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher–was IT for Los Angeles based interior designers before that Kelly Wearstler gal scooted on to the scene and became Tinseltown's shiniest decorative darling with her far-out fashion ways, imaginative hair-dos and Hollywood Regency style resurgence.

Anyhoo, Mister and Missus Nicks have listed their N. Sierra Drive home in the Bev Hills flats with an asking price of $5,625,000. Property records show that the aesthetically minded pair purchased the 4,429 square foot house in December of 2002 for $2,195,000 and listing information reveals the house includes just three bedrooms, four bathrooms, 2 fireplaces and a detached 2 car garage at the rear of the property.

Now listen puppies, Your Mama is feeling particularly long winded this morning, so get your self a stiff cappuccino, a stiffer bloody mary or whatever it is that gets you through the early a.m. hours and let's have a walk through this updated and upgraded mini-manse in Beverly Hills and hit some of the high and low points, shall we?

The traditional front facade has been meticulously maintained, fits into the neighborhood like it always has and offers no suggestion that the interior spaces are vibrantly colorful, funky fine and, for better or worse, an apex of contemporary and eclectic interior day-core as defined by all the gleaming shelter rags. In the foyer, with it's girlish pink paint and curvaceous, dazzling and dangerous for drunks staircase, someone clearly took a lesson about picture hanging from the dee-voon decorating demon who did up deceased doyenne Brooke Astor's exquisite Holly Hill estate just north of New York City

Much brainstorming, energy and, of course, money was spent to impress-the-guests in the powder room where we find ornaments and oddities we've never actually seen in a guest terlit including an occasional table and lamp for mood lighting, a trapezoidal mirror, high-priced objet d'art and a fish tank built right into the damn wall. This fish tank was, apparently, purposely placed level with the eyeballs of whomever sits on the campy jet black terlit. Now children, it does look sort of, uhm beguiling, don't it? However, it's entirely gratuitous, distracting from the matters at hand, quite frankly, reminds Your Mama too much of the orthodontist office where Sister Woman went to get her teeth tortured into submission back in the 1980s.

We'll pass on discussing the lemon yellow living room other than to say that we sincerely hope someone in this household plays that gigantic grand piano. Otherwise, it's just an uppity artifice that serves no purpose other than to not very discreetly inform your maid and your guests that you are so fucking rich that you can afford to fork over $75,000 or more for a glossy Steinway and not even play the damn thing.

Let's move into the dining room which, we freely admit, we love. Mostly. Mister Dunning's dining room do over day-core is so absurdly old school and high camp that it will always manage to look timeless. If Your Mama told you this room was done back in 1962, wouldn't you believe us? We are simply swooning over the tangerine colored rug (we love almost anything orange), we think the tur-qwahze seat cushions were an inspired choice and, surprisingly, we're even digging the wrap around wall mural even though we seldom think a wall mural a good idea. None the less, we do find a few chinks in the exquisite armor. Far be it from Your Mama to question the sagacious and sophisticated Mister Dunning, but we have to be honest–because we always are–and say that it is our humble and entirely meaningless opinion that the antique glass chandelier is not only too diminutive for the room, but it appears to be hung a wee bit too high. We think chandeliers should be out and proud, not a shy and demure damsel as this one appears to be.

The family room/den/office/boob-toob room is probably where Mister and Missus Nicks actually live as opposed to entertain. While we do like the orange and red patterned carpeting (there's our love of orange again), and we appreciate how it's the only pattern in the room but we do worry that it might prove frustrating first thing in the morning before we've managed to bring our bleary eyes into proper focus. On the other hand, that gigantic chocolate brown velvet sofa looks pleasantly long enough for both your Mama and the Dr. Cooter to lay down at the same time while watching those unnerving beehawchas on the Bravo's The Real Housewives of Atlanta. Note the book shelves with actual books.

We have no serious beef with the modest sized kitchen with its simple white cabinets (sporting the very same nipple-like pulls as Your Mama and the Doctor Cooter had in our kitchen on the East Coast), Carrara marble counter tops and massive Mac Daddy Viking Range that is bigger than one of those cute little Smart Cars. Unfortunately, the breakfast room pushes the irony envelope too far for our personal taste, although we do appreciate its relationship to the rear patio and we recognize and acknowledge the delicious tension created by those Shaker style stools pulled up to the breakfast bar.

Upstairs, the mammoth master suite features a fantastic Lucite four poster bed, baby blue and orange linens (there's the orange again) and plenty of floor space for yoga on the unfortunate yellow plaid carpeting which does nothing for us but make us dizzy. The table-cloth like carpet has been pulled into the large dressing closet that includes a cute little oval window. The large but fairly non-descript master bath has plenty of storage space for all the anti-aging creams a ladee can buy. We appreciate the burst of color the three fuchsia orchids provide, but honestly, we find orchids to be such a tired and over-used cliché in upscale day-core. They are orchids, right?

We included a photo of one of the guest rooms simply because Your Mama has a special affection for toile and this room is practically drowning in toile. Plus we love how Mister Dunning inserted those modern orb lamps sitting on the side tables. We do not care for the caca colored carpeting and we wonder what would happen if Mister Dunning had placed some reading material in the side tables and then jumped right over the toile cliff and covered the bed with the stuff too. If you're gonna do it, why not really do it, right?

The backyard features a charming brick terrace shaded by a retractable striped awning over looking the petite lawn area and heated swimming pool. Someone try to tell us that this isn't the perfect spot to spend the afternoon sipping gin and tonics, reading the gossip glossies and feeling superior to all those poor people who can't afford a five+ million dollar house in the Bev Hills flats. Be assured children, that patio furniture cost more than your car.

We already know some of you are going to scream, shout, holler and spit all manner of piss and vinegar about how this house is an over-processed hot mess. And it would be...for most people. However, whether it's the right style for you or not, one has to admit (or at least we do), it's quite compelling, visually startling in a (mostly) good way, not particularly precious despite it's obvious expense and self-consciousness and, ultimately, a very livable abode.

CCH Pounder Lists West Adams Mini-Manse

SELLER: CCH Pounder
LOCATION: 10th Avenue, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $1,250,000
SIZE: 3,284 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: The home has a center hall plan with large open rooms to entertain. Living room with fireplace and large family/den with glass doors open to a deck and lush garden. Large master suite with private bath. Quality custom cook's kitchen.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: As we like to do when we have nothing better to do, Your Mama was recently perusing random real estate listings and came across an attractive house in the historic West Adams neighborhood of Los Angeles. As we poured over the pictures, we started to feel that inner vibration that sweeps through our innards that tells us we are peering into the home of a celebrity.

A wee bit of research on the interweb and, as we suspected, we discovered that the walled and gated residence on 10th Street is currently owned by noted television actress CCH Pounder and her Senegalese anthropologist huzband who have listed their 3,284 square foot tropical looking terra cotta colored center hall traditional with an asking price of $1,250,000.

Born in Guyana and educated in Britain, the dignified and cultured Miz Pounder has an impressive resume as long as Your Mama's pile of empty gin bottles is high and has been nominated for three prime time Emmys and eight Image Awards. (Always a bridesmaid, never a bride.) The classically trained Miz Pounder currently plies her craft on The Shield as Detective Claudette Wyms and as Carolyn Maddox on Law & Order: Special Victims Unit as well as working her stuff in four additional projects, including the upcoming James Cameron 3-D sci-fi extravaganza Avatar. This beehawtcha must be so damn bizzy, just thinking about her crazy schedule makes Your Mama need a nerve pill.

Property records show that Mister and Missus Pounder's residence was built in 1915, and was purchased by the couple in October of 2004 for $602,000. The property sits in the West Adams Terrace Historic Preservation Overlay Zone which means that any alterations to the exterior of the property are subject to review by the HPOZ board to ensure the changes maintain the character of the neighborhood. We're sure some of you think that's a bothersome load of crap, but for those folks who appreciate maintaining a semblance and shred of architectural history it's worth the hoop jumping. For those not overly familiar with the less vaunted and little cooed over areas of Los Angeles, the West Adams Terrace neighborhood is a sliver of Los Angeles that abuts the Santa Monica Freeway about 2 miles directly south of the hoity toity Hancock Park neighborhood.

Listing information for the two story house reveals there are three bedrooms and 2 bathrooms, which means that either guests gotta schlep their big backsides upstairs to sit on a terlit or that all the upstairs bedrooms share just one terlit, a situation that will unnerve guests and/or home owners who prefer to poop in private.

Anyhoo, it appears the center hall entrance runs a glorious straight line from the front all the way to the back where it opens into the heavily vegetated back yard. A large corner living room features a fireplace and a couple of lovely looking steel blue velveteen chesterfields. The dining room has been done over in a shade of celadon with an antique glass chandelier hung much too high and a hand painted ceiling that, while not our cup of decorative tea, looks like it might be sort of interesting.

We don't see much of the kitchen in the listing photographs, but the cabinets appear to be painted green (which could be really good if done right) and we can clearly see that Miz Pounder has unwisely hung a pot rack above the stove. Oh lawhd children, how much does Your Mama hate a pot rack. Yes, the maid and all the guests will be suitably impressed with the expensive and gleaming copper pot collection, but imagine how greasy and grimy those things get when something is actually cooked on that stove. Also, note to someone: You might want to remove the damn coffee pot before taking the photos next time because no one is impressed with a twelve dollar Mister Coffee from the local Rite-Aid.

The bedroom, as well as the rest of the house, has beauteous chocolate brown flooring and a fantastic four poster bed with intricately and exquisitely turned posts and spindles. We never care for beds placed catty-corner to the room, but would we could, Your Mama would try our darnedest to squirrel this bed frame out in our handbag if we were ever to be so lucky to be guests in this home. Again, note to someone: You might have taken the extra 30 seconds to move that bedside printer out of the frame and push that blue storage box under the bed out of view because, pleeze, let's be honest, in this market, you really do have to put your best real estate foot forward for your clients.

All that said, this is clearly the home of thinking people who understand the importance and value of having actual books in the home (see them under the window in the living room?) and who obviously have a sincere relationship with the artwork they choose to purchase and display. We may not like all Miz Pounder's decorative choices, and we may worry about the amount of time it would take our bossy housegurl Svetlana to dust all that stuff, but this is without a doubt a home that expresses a cultured, considered and deeply personal point of view and for that we applaud her (and the huzband too).

UPDATE: Christina Aguilera

Back in the summer of 2007, pop star mommy Christina Aguilera and her music executive huzband Jordan Bratman forked over $11,500,000 for the Beverly Hills mansion of addled rock legend Ozzy Osbourne and his extremely ambitious wifey Sharon.

That left Missus Dirrty with an extra house in the Hollywood Hills where she had been living since April of 2003 when she paid around five million big ones to buy a 5,411 square foot Steve Hermann designed residence on Devlin Drive.

In April of 2008, not long after Mister and Missus Dirrty moved into the old Osbourne mansion on Doheny Road, she listed the 4 bedroom and 7 bathroom Bird Street nest for $7,995,000. We've heard through the gossip grapevine that several celebs and their mostly superflouus entourages have toodled up the hill for a walk around. However, no big name or deep pocketed person has bit the big bullet

So, like so many other high end sellers with lavish properties languishing on the market, Miss Dirrty and her property purveyor rather wisely hauled out the price chopping machete and hacked the asking price by a gigantic one million clams bringing the asking price all the way down to $6,995,000. Our bejeweled abacus tells us is more than 12% lower than the original asking price. Wow.

We are certain some of you Chicken Littles will go hog wild wagging your fingers with righteous anger over this prodigious price paring, but please try to keep in mind that Miss Dirrty's digs were (probably) priced much higher than the market from the get-go. Now then, while some of you cackle with glee over falling real estate prices and drive everyone berserk stating the economic obvious, Your Mama is going to move on to other things.

Paul Haggis Goes Modest in Santa Monica

BUYER: Paul Haggis
LOCATION: 15th Street, Santa Monica, CA
PRICE: $2,365,000
SIZE: 2,262 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 1.75 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: ...Trad. style w/ modern amenities. Living rm w/ wd burn fl & light oak hdwd flrs, Formal dining rm. Sleek kitchen w/ Carrera marble counters & back splash, stainless cabinets, sub zero fridge & drawers, pro stainless range. Kitchen w/ brkfast bar opens to family room w/ built in cabinets. Master bath w/ beautiful finishes. Private backyard w/ outside bar, Viking pro bbq & fridge. Low maintenance yrd w/ huge deck for entertaining.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Every now and then we hear of a celebrity real estate transaction that comes completely out of the blue and from someone we've never heard of nor spoken to before. We love when that happens. Nuthin' gets our juices flowing better than a new tipster who enjoys transmitting Your Mama all the good real estate 411.

Anyhoo, over the weekend, while riveted to the boob-toob watching the frightening fires bob and weave through southern California, we heard word from a lad we'll call Stewart Slyasafox who whispered in Your Mama's big ear that two-time Oscar winning writer/producer Paul Haggis recently bought a new house in Santa Monica, CA.

Upon receiving the electronic communique, we immediately ripped our beady little eyes away from the tee-vee and took to the internets where, sho enuf, property records do indeed reveal that the much ballyhooed Canadian born filmmaker (Quantum of Solace, Flags of Our Fathers, Million Dollar Baby, Crash) forked over $2,365,000 to purchase a discreet residence on a desirable tree-lined Santa Monica street.

Now children, surely Mister Haggis and is lovely wifey Debbie could afford a much more expensive and a much more estate-like abode. However, living large does not seem to be their real estate cup of tea. According to listing information we dug up, the new Haggis house, a brick fronted, architecturally insignificant and fully rehabbed ranch, measures in at a modest 2,262 square feet with just three bedrooms and 1.75 bathrooms.

Your Mama realizes it's quite a stretch to apply the adjective "modest" to a house that cost nearly 2.5 million clams and certainly some of you children are going to get your panties all in a bunch about someone spending that amount of money to purchase a property that would cost one-tenth of what Mister Haggis paid if he lived in Omaha, Topeka or Tallahassee. However, apparently Mister and Missus Haggis want to live in Santa Monica and, whether any of you people like it or not, in this neck of the north of Montana Avenue woods, two-and-a-half million big ones is about what an average sized house costs...even in a real estate market that appears to be headed down the crapper.

Children, when viewing the photographs, please keep in mind that the day-core is NOT that of Mister and Missus Haggis, but rather that of the previous owner. So, even though we do appreciate the large B&B Italia sectional sofa in the family room and we can always get behind pulling six or eight Panton chairs up to a rustic wood dining room, these things no longer live in this house.

None the less, listing information does indicate that the house features lovely light oak floors that look like they've had a mild bleaching, a living room with a brick faced fireplace surround, a decent sized dining room, a commodious family room with built in cabinetry for the flat screen tee-vee, and a galley style kitchen with high grade appliances, stunning Carrara marble counter tops and stainless steel cabinetry. Lawhd have mercy on our snarky soul, our bossy bleach blond housegurl Svetlana would scratch out our eyeballs iffin Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter ever bought a house with stainless steel cabinetry like this. That woman would quite literally go ballistic if she was asked to keep all that stainless steel fingerpring and dog nose smear free.

The backyard, while unfortunately criss-crossed by power lines, is well set up for entertaining family, friends and all those people you don't like but have to invite over to your house for a bbq once in while anyway. The leviathan deck can double as a dance floor and that small patch of grass is just enough green space for our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly to stretch out in the shade. Behind the two car garage that is accessed by an alley at the rear of the property, a well equipped barbecue station has been built in with Viking appliances and plenty of counter space for laying out the hot dogs.

We're not sure if it's the stark white walls perfect for hanging art, or if it's the pared down modern day-core of the previous owner, or if it's the idea of being just 15 blocks from the Pacific Ocean, but both Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter like this house very much. There is something very appealing about an modestly sized house with an unassuming (and even slightly unattractive) exterior that hides an updated and upgraded interior that has been fitted and kitted with all the modrun conveniences for comfortable contemporary living. We only wish there was better access to the outdoors from the living, dining, and family rooms because, after all, isn't being able breeze in and out of open doors in December one of the benefits of living in southern Caleefornya?

Given that records reveal that Mister and Missus Haggis currently own a much larger 5 bedroom and 8 bathroom house a few blocks away on 10th Street, it's unclear whether the high-powered pair intend to use this newly purchased house as a personal residence, an investment or for some other reason unfathomable to us.

Records also show that Mister and Missus Haggis own several additional pieces of property including (but not limited to) a vacant ocean view lot in Pacific Palisades (that appears to have some potential geologic issues) as well as a 3 bedroom and 2 bathroom penthouse apartment on Mercer Street in New York City which records show was purchased in October of 2006 for $2,900,000.

Fire Update...

Listen children, I know all the folks in southern California can use a little celebrity real estate comic relief just about now, but Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter are riveted to the boob toob watching the destruction of the massive fires now burning in several locations in Orange County as well as in the northern reaches of the San Fernando Valley.

Plus, we have got to set up the guest room for Mama Cooter who will soon be fleeing Orange County with all her important documents and jewelry tossed willy-nilly into the trunk of her suped up Lexus.

Fire!

Wildfires are once again sweeping through California.

One fire, in Your Mama's hometown, threatened the homes of many of our friends and loved ones.

Another colossal conflagration, in the swanky ocean side enclave of Montecito, CA where celebs such as Oprah Winfrey, Rob Lowe and Michael Douglas own homes, has burned nearly 2,000 acres, ravaged more than 100 multi-million dollar mansions and, as of this morning, continues to threaten 1,500 more homes.

A third fast moving fire in Sylmar, CA, at the northern edge of the San Fernando Valley, has charred thousands of acres, forced 10,000 people or more from their homes, threatened to consume a the Olive-View UCLA Medical Center, destroyed an unknown number of residences and, as of this morning, threatens at least 1,000 more.

We send courage to the firefighters and fortitude to all those affected by the fires.

Your Mama Hears...

...from a very reliable source we'll call Ivana Snitch that Michael isn't the only Jackson with recent real estate woes.

Although we find LaToya Jackson a glorious enigma of strange, we do not normally trouble ourselves with any of the Jacksons who aren't Michael. However, according to Miss Snitch, Michael's big brother Jermaine and his third wifey Halima Rashid were recently evicted from the 4 bedroom and 5 bathroom house they had been leasing in "The Oaks" community in Calabasas. Oh dear.

But children, that's not even the juiciest part of the story. According to Miss Snitch, Mister Jermaine rather bizarrely attempted to make off with the kitchen appliances even though they belong to the landlord. What is up with these Jackson people and their constant real estate dramatics?

Anyhoo, Miss Snitch assures us, thankfully, that the matter has been resolved and the stove and etc. have been returned.

Just rumor and gossip children, rumor and gossip.

Remember...

...That $70,000,000 penthouse atop the St. Regis in San Francisco that we discussed a few months back? Well children, hold on to your wigs because there are now heaps architectural renderings of the 20,000+ square foot doo-plex penthouse that have been posted on the always interesting Socketsite. Even more dee-lishus renderings can be seen here.

Listing information reveals that in addition to the six bedrooms, seven full and four half bathrooms, there are 4 terraces totalling nearly 3,000 square feet, a two story entrance foyer with a waterfall, natch, 22-foot high floor to ceiling windows wrapping around the high drama living room, a dining room for a dozen or more, a game room, library and lounge, and two kitchens, one for daily use and one for catering.

The 2,500 square foot master bedroom suite includes a lounge area, private terrace, an office, a gym with steam and sauna, gigantic dual custom fitted closets with fur storage and changing areas, and a triangular shaped infinity edged bathtub that holds an astounding 525 gallons of water. If you can pay this much for a home the realities of a dire water shortage in California are, apparently, completely irrelevant.

There are also four fireplaces, parking for six cars, 360 degree views, a wine storage room, a 13-seat home cinema and an executive office suite with a conference room.

We still think seventy million clams for a penthouse in San Francisco (or anywhere) is egregiously optimistic, particularly with the economy heading down the terlit. However, with all these lavish and dee-luxe amenities, as well as the five-star services of the St. Regis, a crazy rich billionaire with an obsession for looking at the TransAmerica Pyramid could really get their Howard Hughes on here.

Your Mama Hears...

...from a man we call Teutonic Ted that good lookin' and Oscar winnin' actor George Clooney, who has long called a secluded estate in Studio City home, is shopping for new digs closer to the ocean.

Just rumor and gossip children, rumor and gossip.

Martina Navratilova Moves On

SELLER: Martina Navratilova
LOCATION: Casey Key Road, Nokomis, FL
PRICE: $2,549,000
SIZE: 3,966 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Approximately 200' of bay frontage. Both homes have been meticulously renovated and exude warmth and charm. The wrap-around deck of the main home's upper level affords sweeping views of Little Sarasota Bay. Enjoy boating or fishing from the dock with 2 lifts, swim in the heated pool or enjoy walks through the garden.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Thanks to a covert communique from the Floridian Flapjaw, we've learned that Czech born tennis titan Martina Navratilova has sold her Nokomis, FL hideaway for $2,549,000. Don't worry, children, we had to locate Nokomis on a map too. Turns out it's a small gulf side town on the western edge of Florida just south of Sarasota.

Miz Navratilova, a gal with manly arms who served and volleyed her way to a stupefying 18 Grand Slam singles titles, 31 Grand Slam women's doubles titles and 10 Grand Slam mixed doubles titles, is unquestionably one of the finest female tennis players to ever pick up a racket. Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter were fortunate enough to see Miz Martina win her very last title at the 2006 U.S. Open with her mixed doubles partner Bob Bryan. We teared up during the awards ceremony, yes we did.

Anyhoo, the legendary Miz Martina has been living down Sarasota way for quite some time and, according to property records, in December of 2002 she and her ladee-mate Antoinette Layton picked up Bay Haven, a two lot estate on Casey Key Road for $1,650,000. Listing information reveals that one of the lots hosts the 3 bedroom and 3 bathroom main house and the second lot a 2 bedroom and 2 bathroom guest house. The combined square footage for both homes appears to be a relatively modest 3,966.

According to a recent report in the Herald Tribune, Miz Martina and Ladee Layton sold only one of the two lots, the one with the main house and the waterfront swimming pool, for $2,549,000. The remaining lot, the one with the guest house, is reported to be in contract with a different buyer. Do we even need to get out our bejeweled abacus to show that Miz Martina is going to make a million or more when she finally sells off both lots?

From what we can tell, Miz Navratilova's nest is located down a private drive, is surrounded by a white picket fence and faces the swampy looking inner bay of the Gulf of Mexico. The property with the main house includes a waterfront swimming pool, dock space for two small boats and lush gardens filled with, you got it, palm trees. The property with the guest house offers only oblique views of the bay and, as far as we can tell, has little or no frontage on the bay. But don't quote us on that children, because you know, we don't really know nuthin' from nuthin'.

From the photographs, it would appear to Your Mama that Miz Martina and Ladee Layton do not have much of a knack for doing the day-core. They do, however, seem to have a special attraction to and fondness for peach colored paint. We know there is a naughty joke in there children, but we're going to refrain from making it.

Listen children, we love us some Martina so much that we simply can't bear to discuss the day-core any further. Besides, it's like shooting a moose in a hen house to point out the indignity of having an electronic piano in the bedroom or to cackle about that disturbing "contempo" light fixture in the dining room. So, we'll move on with only one word of advice for the Mrs. Navratilovas: Gurls, you better call Your Mama when you buy another house so we can forward you a list of nice gay decorators who will help you make better choices in paint, tile, granite and, well, everything. We recognize that not everyone wants to live in a decorator done show palace, but Martina hunny, seriously, it is undignified for a woman of your stature to live up in a house done up and did over like it was a damn peach pie.

Records also indicate that Miz Martina and Ladee Layton also own a waterfront house on N. Manasota Key Road in Englewood, FL which was purchased in May of 2006 for $2,200,000. There are multiple reports of the tennis ace owning a seven million dollar home in Aspen, CO. Although we have no reason to believe she does not own a home in Aspen, our rather rudimentary research did not turn up any property record evidence of that.

Behold! Holly Hill Hits the Market

SELLER: Estate of Brooke Astor
LOCATION: Briarcliff Manor, NY
PRICE: $12,900,000
SIZE: 10,000 square feet (approx.), 13 bedrooms, 9 full and 2 half bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: ...At the heart of this bucolic 64.60 acre haven, the 1927 stone manor designed by prominent architect William Delano embodies the quiet elegance of a classic English country house. There are 6 marble fireplace and 13 bedrooms, including staff quarters...Indoor and outdoor pools are featured along with extensive dependencies including a greenhouse, 4-bedroom gardener's cottage, carriage house and barn.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Today we go from the real estate ree-donkulous Neverland Ranch saga to the utterly soo-blime country estate of New York City's inestimable (and deceased) grande dame Brooke Astor which only this week was placed on the market with an asking price of $12,900,000.

Since philanthropic Miz Astor passed on to meet her great philanthropist in the sky there has been considerable hoo-ha and much ink spilled over Miz Astor's legendary Park Avenue doo-plex, currently listed at a spine tingling $34,000,000 (originally listed at an even more spine tingling $46,000,000).

Starting with Mister Max Abelson's customarily thorough report in the NY Observer this morning, we also expect much hullabaloo will be made in the press and on the gossipy real estate blogs about the listing of Miz Astor's beloved estate Holly Hill, which occupies 64.60 rolling acres over looking the mighty Hudson River in Briarcliff Manor, NY.

Any of the children who read such gorgeous and glossy rags as Vanity Fair or New York Magazine already know that Holly Hill is where Miz Astor expired at the extremely ripe old age of 105. Miz Astor is survived by one aged son, Anthony Marshall, who has been indicted on 16 lurid and scandalous counts of stealing from his mother's mammoth money pile in the last years of her life when she was unquestionably compromised with Alzheimer's. Mister Marshall has, naturally, pleaded not guilty to the salacious allegations.

Listing information for Holly Hill indicates that the main manse, an utterly dignified and well proportioned stone manor house, measures in at approximately 10,000 square feet and includes 13 bedrooms and nine full and 2 half bathrooms, a count that includes the staff quarters.

Built in 1927 and designed by noted society architect William Adams Delano, Holly Hill contains a perfect and elegantly curving staircase that is currently and quirkily lined with dog portraits, a 42-foot long living room with luscious lemon chiffon colored curtains, a banquet sized dining room, a book lined library surrounded in pickled paneling, and two sun porches including one Miz Astor dubbed the Philosopher's Room, although we don't know why.

Additionally, according to listing information and Mister Abelson's report, there is a Memory Room lined with personal mementos and photographs, a wet bar, natch, a kitchen with butler's pantry and a one person elevator which we presume was installed to haul the most august centenarian owner from the perfectly played public rooms to her pink and cream colored private quarters which features a small balcony and one of the six marble mantled fireplaces.

Holly Hill includes both an outdoor swimming pool as well as a long and thin indoor pool which Miz Astor reportedly preferred heated to a well beyond lukewarm 90 degrees. Listing information also reveals the property includes garaging for seven cars, a four bedroom gardener's cottage, a chauffeur's apartment atop the 5 bay carriage house, a barn and root cellar, a large but apparently empty greenhouse, extensive cutting gardens, a croquet lawn, an apple orchard, something called the Love Temple and a most interestingly, a pet cemetery.

Every square inch of Holly Hill appears to have been immaculately maintained and the dee-voonly done day-core, while far too clenched jaw and Oscar de la Renta pantsuit-ish for Your Mama's personal taste, is beyond reproach even by the most cynical and/or modern minded folks. While it's certainly possible and perfectly understandable that any new owner and steward of Holly Hill will desire to update and modernize the mansion and its dependencies, given that the developement rights are intact, it's also a very distinct possibility that a developer will purchase the property and break up the large and very expensive to maintain estate into smaller estates. We're certain real estate preservationists will cry foul at the notion. We'll, uncharacteristically, bite our snarky tongue.

UPDATE: Michael Jackson

Did the Michael Jackson finally sell Neverland Ranch?

Well children, according to gossip gangsta Perez Hilton, he did.

Santa Barbara County Assessor records do indeed show that on the 10th of November Mister Jackston's 2,700 acre ranch on Figueroa Mountain Road in Los Olivos, CA transferred from The Gloved One to a Delaware based entity named the Sycamore Valley Ranch LLC. However, at this point it's unclear to Your Mama if this transfer represents an actual sale or if it indicates Mister Jackson has moved ownership over to a company controlled by his own people in an effort to limit his personal liability for the $20,000,000+ mortgage he's carrying on the property.

However, while the Sycamore Valley Ranch LLC was set up back in Delaware, records show an address in Los Angeles that happens to be identical to that of the offices of Colony Capital, the company who is reported to be holding the gigantic mortgage on Neverland Ranch. Now isn't that interesting?

Nothing would surprise Your Mama when it comes to Michael Jackson, but we do sincerely hope Mister Jackson has finally unloaded this financial white elephant and emotional albatross from around his skinny little neck.

As far as we know and according to gossip Roger Friedman at Fox 411, Mister Jackson is still living in Las Vegas with those three children of his.

MORE...

Gossip juggernaut TMZ is now reporting that the entity that now holds title to Neverland Ranch is a joint venture between Michael Jackson and Colony Capital, the Los Angeles based company who holds the mammoth mortgage on Mister Jackson's 2,700 acre scene of the alleged crimes.

According to TMZ, the ranch will be renamed Sycamore Valley Ranch in order to free it of some of that nasty child molestation stigma that hovers of the property even though Mister Jackson was acquitted of any untoward behavior.

TMZ also speculates that because Colony Capital owns the Las Vegas Hilton and several other properties that there may be some sort of performance gig in the works. Sorry children, but Your Mama has a difficult time believing that Mister Jackson can moon walk anymore.

Tanya Tucker Flips Out in Franklin

SELLER: Tanya Tucker
LOCATION: Glass Lane, Franklin, TN
PRICE: $2,000,000
SIZE: 5,478 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 4 full and 2 half bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: In historical Franklin, TN. "Owned by Country Music Legend Tanya Tucker." 12 plus rms. QUALITY 1800s design attched carriage house/garage. Covered porches, fenced bkyd, hi ceilings, custom moldings, 5 bdrms, 4 full baths, 2 half baths. Pristine grounds.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Your Mama grew up riding around in our momma's big brown and super suped up Oldsmobile with country music super star Tanya Tucker's throaty vibrato blaring on the 8-track singing out tunes like What's Your Mama's Name? and, of course, Delta Dawn.
So when we got wind that she was selling off a house in upscale Franklin, TN our ears pricked up and we started clicking and clacking our keyboard to see what 411 we could find.

Sure enough, and as first reported by The Tennesseean, Miz Tucker has listed a property she owns on Glass Lane with an asking price of $2,000,000. Records show Miz Tucker purchased the property in March of 2008 for $1,075,000. However, according to The Tennesseean, the country woman decided the flip the property (at a significant profit) because while she "loved the whole house," in the end she decided that she much prefers living in a more rural environment where she has enough land to raise up her horses.

Property records and listing information indicate the 5,478 square foot house was built in 2004 and includes 5 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms and 2 half bathrooms. The house was reportedly built to fit in with the city's historic district and utilizes salvaged antique doors and stained glass windows.

As far as we can tell, the house includes a small living room where Miz Tucker keeps her white baby grand pie-ana, a formal dining room that looks a little too narrow to be comfortable, an eat in kitchen with granite counter tops and blah blah blah, a large den, a first floor master bedroom suite and an enclosed porch where the above mentioned stained glass windows have been installed.

Upstairs are three more bedrooms fitted and kitted with custom closets, 2 additional terlits for the kiddies and a second den that adjoins a home office. Over the garage are two rooms and a bathroom that Miz Tucker planned on converting to a home studio.

A wide back porch is tucked into the back of the house and overlooks the backyard where Miz Tucker planned on installing a swimming pool before she decided to move back to the country.

Although we imagine that some of the furniture and day-core belongs to Miz Tucker, the house looks staged to Your Mama so is it really fair to talk about the rugs that are too small for the rooms, the artwork that looks like it was picked up at Cost Plus, or the ridiculous serving tray on the kitchen island on which someone unwisely thought it would look cozy to place a couple of candlesticks and a cluster of faux flowers?

What we will say is that we are loving that moire pattern on the dining room table, we always appreciate a cowhide rug like is placed on the brick floor in the enclosed porch, and we can imagine that deep covered porch would be an excellent spot to whittle away the afternoons with a pitcher of gin and tonics and a stack of gossip glossies.

In the spring of 2007, the country crooning icon pocketed a reported $11,500,000 when she sold Deer Park Farm, her 500 acre farm in rural Arrington, TN where she occupied a four floor plantation style mansion that is reported to measure in at a super sized 22,600 square feet. Soon after selling the big farm, it is well documented that after a wild ride across the country with her baby daddy and feuding fiancee Jerry Laseter in hot pursuit Miz Tucker moved to Malee-boo where our sources whispered in our big ear that she leased digs on Carbon Mesa Road. At this point, we really don't know if she and her children are still living there or if she's purchased some place more permanent.

Monday Mid-Morning Mish Mash

1.
According to The Real Deal, outspoken lefty liberal comedian Rosie O'Donnell has finally closed on the $1,970,000 condo at The Platinum building in New York City for which she reportedly signed a contract in September of 2007.

Her new 22nd floor two bedroom pied a terre puts the Broadway luvin' lesbian blogger right in the heart of the bizzy, loud and tourist filled Times Square theater district. Your Mama wonders if she'll be able to see or hear that stoopid gee-tar strumming cowboy that hangs around Times Square in his underwear entertaining tourists who think he's strange and eccentric.

Several years back Miz O'Donnell and her life sharing ladee-mate Kelli purchased a river front spread in Nyack, NY where they're raising a passel of shorties. Miz O'Donnell also reportedly owns a 1 bedroom condo at the Lumiere building on West 53rd Street (also in New York City) and as far as we can tell, she still owns a waterfront spread on the guard gated and celebrity swamped Star Island enclave in Miami.

2.
Thanks Danny Digsitup from Down Under, we've learned that hard hitting and much maligned Aussie tennis titan Lleyton Hewitt, who in 2006 was nominated by GQ magazine as one of the "10 Most Hated Athletes" in sports–has put his glass and concrete contemporary casa in Adelaide's fancy schmancy Island Point at West Lakes up for sale for an undisclosed asking price.

According to recent article in the Herald Sun, the notoriously mouthy Mister Hewitt forked over $3,200,000–that's $2,160,320 US at today's rates–in 2003 for the 5 bedroom and 4 bathroom waterfront retreat.

Listing information reveals that the 2 story residence measures in at approximately 700 square meters–that's just over 7,500 square feet for us Americans–and includes such dee-luxe amenities as an indoor swimming pool and spa, sauna, private screening room, a billiards room with a sports bar (which we presume means there are several tee-vees suspended above the bar), a lakeside bar, an indoor barbecue, radiant heating, a commercial cool room (whatever that is) and a moss and rock waterfall beside the suspended staircase.

According to Mister Hewitt The Elder, young Mister Hewitt and his with-child wifey don't spend enough time enjoying the lavish comforts of the house to justify owning and maintaining such a residence.

3.
The Times Online is now reporting that the garish, glitzy and grotesquely gaudy Toprak Mansion on The Bishops Avenue in North London, purchased in a blaze of publicity earlier this year for a rumored and reported £50,000,000, was purchased secretly by a gentleman named Nursultan Nazarbayev, who happens to be the current president of Kazakhstan.

The owners of record for the 28,000 square foot quasi-neo-classical hot mess, Hossein Ghandehari and his 75 year old billionaire mother Hourieh Peremam, denied the veracity of the claim which was made by Kazahkstan's former head of security Alnur Musayev.

4.
We hear from the Nashville Newsmonger that country crooner Toby Keith has already karate chopped the asking price of his recently listed mausoleum-like Nashville pied a terre from $1,595,000 to $1,349,000. That was fast.

5.
Another one of those orange skinned Orange County Housewives is selling her house. Well, sort of. Last year, according to property records, Vicki Gunvalson, the uber intense and tightly wound insurance broker, forked over $1,650,000 to purchase an approximately 4,000 square foot house on Altimira in the guard gated community of Coto de Caza. On several episodes of The Real Housewives of Orange County, Vicki and her empty nesting huzband Donn started they wanted to move because their current house (also behind the gates in Coto) was a bit big at approximately 5,000 square feet.

After closing on the new property fickle Miss Vicki decided she wasn't ready to leave the big house where she raised her children. In November of 2007, after having a big queen from San Francisco "decorate" the newly purchased custom built tract house, Mister and Missus Gunvalson hoisted the 5 bedroom and 5 bathroom residence back on the market with an asking price of $1,780,000. Naturally the house was listed with real estate "Housewife" Jeana Keough.

The house did not sell and was later taken off the market only to reappear recently with a new and only slightly improved asking price of $1,695,000, a figure that means that if Jeana can get full price for the house and hard bargaining biznesswoman Vicki can persuade Jeana to cut her commission, she just might break even. However, given the rather sorry state of real estate in Coto de Caza, that looks to be a difficult if not impossible prospect.

6.
Over the weekend, Your Mama traded several covert communiques with a luvlee ladee we'll call Linda Likestotalk who gave us the lowdown one of the many Los Angeles properties for which Jenufleck–or whatever it is that the gossip glossies call Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck–(allegedly) signed a sales contract and then bailed out.

The house in question is the house on Brentwood's N. Carmelina Avenue that the with child couple is often photographed going in and out of. Here, in short summary, is what Miss Likestotalk told Your Mama: The residentially indecisive couple were in contract to purchase the property (which was not been on the open market) for $16,500,000 but, according to Miz Likestotalk, backed out due to concerns that the high priced property could not be "paparazzi proofed."

Strangely, and for reasons about which we do not have a clue, the comely couple continue to visit the newly constructed residence even though, according to Miss Likestotalk, they long ago backed out of the contract. Since Benger (or whatever they're called) backed out, several other parties–including, we hear, filmmaker Judd Apaptow–have expressed interest but not moved forward with a purchase prompting the owner/developer to recently put the 5 bedroom (plus two more in the pool house) and 8 bathroom residence on the open market with an asking price of $14,950,000.

Maybe Afflegar (or whatever) will like the house better at this price.

7.
In May of 2008, the wildly famous and much lauded Richard Neutra designed Kaufmann House in Palm Springs was was sold for a reported $19,000,000 (some earlier reports said $16,840,000) to an undisclosed buyer as part of Christie's Postwar and Contemporary Art auction. However, the big deal fell apart for reasons not released to the public and entirely unknown to Your Mama.

The architecturally significant property on West Vista Chino isnow being offered on the open market with a bargain basement sounding asking price of $12,900,000. But according to Architecutural Record, since being re-listed on September 29, no serious buyers have presented themselves to the Los Angeles real estate company who holds the listing.

Looks like the current owners, a reportedly dee-vorcing couple named Harris, couldn't have timed the sale of their architectural labor of love any worse. Oh dear.

UPDATE: Robbie Williams

Your Mama just received a breathless ringy dingy from Lucky Lady Lenora during which she informed us that she heard that recently rehabbed British pop star Robbie Williams got some cold real estate feet and backed out of the $15,000,000+ contract he signed for a big ol' house up in Beverly Park.

The details we received are slim at best, but ol' Lenora did whisper in our big ear that bad boy Bobbie is likely to lose at least a portion of his deposit in order to compensate the sellers for their time and trouble.

Perhaps Mister Williams decided to stay put up in his current crib behind the guarded gates of the Mulholland Estates which is, not incidentally, much closer to the private soccer pitch he had built on Mulholland Drive than that behemoth in Beverly Park.

Another Orange County Housewife House Goes on the Block

SELLER: Simon and Tamra Barney
LOCATION: Pointe Circle, Ladera Ranch, CA
PRICE: $1,599,000
SIZE: 4,300 (approx.), 5 bedrooms, 5.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Tuscan Beauty! This very desirable plan 3 sits on a pie shaped lot at the end of a long cul-de-sac with only 4 houses on the street. 5 bedrooms all with full bathrooms. down stairs office with built in bookcase.loft, master bedroom retreat, hardwood floors with custom stone inlay. Large kitchen with granite center island. rustic wood beams, crown molding, Iron staircase. Entertainers DREAM yard. Wrap around yard has everything. Saltwater pool and spa w/ waterfalls, fireplace, fire pit, built in grill with prep area, 2 refrigerators, built in covered bar, lush landscaping and so much more.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Since the fourth season of the terrifically trashy tee-vee train wreck that is The Real Housewives of Orange County is soon to spill into our family rooms and liquefy the intellectual framework of our already gin and tonic sotted brains, Your Mama thought the children might like a little real estate scuttlebutt about one of the stupidly stereotypical southern California ladees that make up the publicity craving cast of the program.

Thanks to covert communiques from several of Your Mama's tipsters from down behind the Orange Curtain, we recently learned that 40-year old real estate agent Tamra Barney and her uptight Mercedes-Benz salesman huzband Simon have put their Ladera Ranch tract house on the market with an asking price of $1,599,000. Do y'all recall which one she is? She's the deeply shallow and looks obsessed blond gal with four children and perky plastic boobs who was utterly wrecked about turning the big four-0 and who seemed to think she was clever and cute when she was drunk but was really quite annoying and embarrassing. Remember her? She isn't as troubling as the colossally cleavaged Christian cougar Quinn Fry, but she's a close second.

Anyhoo, property records show that Mister Mercedes and his reluctantly slipping over the hill wifey scooped up their tract house in August of 2005 when they forked over $1,320,500 for their approximately 4,300 square foot so-called "Tuscan Beauty." Wedged into an 8,937 square foot pie-shaped lot, the 5 bedroom and 5.5 bathroom residence is located in the gated community of Covenant Hills which, rather surprisingly, is the only gated community in Ladera Ranch.

Listing information indicates that each of the five bedrooms includes a private pooper and another half bathroom services the downstairs where guests are greeted in a narrow, double height entrance hall with a slightly curved staircase. The oppresively beige living room is focused on a fireplace and has been painted beige, filled with a boat load of beige furniture and topped off with a breathtakingly absurd chandelier. Somewhere there is a formal dining room, but if it looks anything like the living room, we do not care to see it. Listing information also indicates the downstairs includes an office with built in bookcases where we like to imagine Mrs. Barney works her real estate empire and schedules her Botox appointments.

The reasonably sized and well appointed kitchen is not to our taste, but we do think with a few minor tweaks–say, replacing those nasty hanging lights over the work island–this could be a very functional and family friendly food preparation room. The adjacent family room features an unfortunately off-center fireplace, more banal beige furniture (not to mention a truckload of beige floor tiles), and a built-in entertainment center where the ever so humble Mrs. Barney made sure her image was on the big screen tee-vee when the photo was taken. Now that, children, is klassy with a "k" if we ever saw it.

Upstairs, a saloon-like sitting area is flanked by four of the five bedrooms including the master retreat with a day-core so perplexing and horrendous that Your Mama can not stop looking at it. Could that be one of Suzanne Somers' ridiculously obscene ThighMasters stashed under the bench at the foot of the bed? If not, she might want to consider ordering one of those exercise contraptions. Your Mama sincerely recommends Mrs. Barney keep her thighs tight, tight, TIGHT in order to stave off the threat of Mister Mercedes turning her in for a newer and younger model.

The Barney backyard has been did up and worked over in an extravagant manner like most of the other Housewives houses. A greenery surrounded barbecue center has plenty of counter space for ripping the skin of chicken breasts, a built in gas grill, not just one, but two mini-fridges, and an outdoor fireplace flanked by a couple of padded benches. Somewhere, according to listing information, there is also a built in fire pit, which just seems like gilding the lily, don't it? Naturally, since the Barney babe and Mister Mercedes have a few shorties running around the tract house, the saltwater swimming pool and spa have been surrounded by a protective barrier to keep the kiddies from drowning while all the grown-ups get crocked at the semi-circular wet bar that occupies a covered patio.

Listen puppies, these Orange Country tract homes are about as far from Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter's Barbie Dream House as a home can get. But clearly there are many folks who feel just the opposite. For all we know, and we truely don't know a thing about anything, this is an exquisite and desirable residential example of a finely feathered Orange Country nest that easily justifies the $1,599,000 asking price. You be the judge.

Lance Bass Tries Again In Beverly Hills

SELLER: Lance Bass
LOCATION: Mulholland Drive, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $3,925,000
SIZE: 3 bedrooms, 5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Private Celebrity Compound up long drive sitting on its own promontory high above Beverly Hills on 1+ acre. Elegant 2-story main house with pool and large deck, open floorplan, chef's kitchen, 3 fireplaces, sexy master suite. Guest House with fireplace, kitchen, bed/bath and 2nd pool, huge sep gym facility with spa-like bathroom, panoramic views on both sides of hill, extra large motor court. Incredible value even in current market. Fabulous entertaining property.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Although it's a little upsetting to the equilibrium to do so, let's begin the day by discussing Hollywood homosexual Lance Bass and the Bev Hills Post Office property he recently (re)listed for sale with an asking price of $3,925,000.

The former N' Sync singer who bravely, but not very surprisingly, busted out of the proverbial closet in July of 2006, went on to become a fixture at Hollywood hotspots like Villa and Roosevelts and can currently be seen spinning, dipping and shimmying across the stage on that dee-pressing but terribly popular Dancing With the Stars program where he is making a valiant attempt to revive his lagging career.

Some of Your Mama's older children will recall we discussed and skewered his Mulholland Drive estate way back in August of 2007 when we'd heard whispered through the real estate gossip grapevine that Miss Bass was looking to lease out his hilltop house while he was back in New York City appearing as Corny Collins in Broadway's blockbuster musical Hairspray.

At that time, thanks to our wickedly well informed tipster Lucy Spillerguts, we also came across an old and expired listings which indicated the former boy bander had actually listed his 3 bedroom and 5 bathroom estate for sale in both in 2005 (for $4,900,000) and 2006 when he hoisted it onto the market with an asking price of $5,250,000.

Property records show that Miss Bass bought his big house in October of 2003 for $3,880,000. It does not require Your Mama flicking the well worn beads of our bejeweled abacus to understand that ol' bug eyed Bass is going to lose his Jimmy Choos on this real estate transaction. Not only will the hefty real estate fees leave him short, he's also going to be out for any improvements, repairs and renovations he made his 1+ acre property that includes a medium sized main house, a good sized guest house, two (two!) swimming pools and extensive gardens that require constant and expensive maintenance.

Records show the main house measures in at 3,811 square feet, but we'd swear it was bigger than that. But then again, as we said in our previous discussion, so many mens things look larger in pictures, okaaay. Anyhoo, listing information indicates the main house includes 3 bedrooms, 5 bathrooms, three fireplaces and an desperately uninspired day-core that perfectly suits one of those too large suburban tract houses that litter the land. Since Your Mama worked ourselves into a lather and wore ourselves out picking apart this house last year, we won't bother to do it again other to say that we are soo-prised that Miss Bass did not get a nice gay decorator up in his house to work out some of the more disturbing decorative kinks before re-listing his mansion. A reduced price, albeit a huge reduction, simply does not justify that dreadful coffee table in the living room or the dining room set that looks like something someone would win in the Showcase Showdown on that Price Is Right program.

Listing information also indicates the guest house, which has it's own private swimming pool, includes a living room with fireplace, kitchen, bedroom and bathroom. Somewhere on the property, according to listing information, is a gigantic gym facility with its own spa-like bathroom where Lance can get a sweat on and then take a steam with his well-built trainer. We think this work out room may be attached to the detached garage, but don't know for sure.

A long winding driveway terminates in a motor court large enough to park the fancy vehicles of every member of Hollywood's alleged pink mafia. A large deck at the rear of the house provides panoramic views over the San Fernando Valley while the front of the property offers a long view over Franklin Canyon and towards the glittering lights of Beverly Hills.

Your Mama sincerely hopes that when he sells this compound like estate, Miss Bass will wise up and buy a more modest crib that will not require he sell his soul to the show bizness devil to maintain. And, as we very sincerely offered in our previous discussion, we encourage Miss Bass to let us know when he moves house so we can provide him with a long list of decorators (nice, gay and otherwise) that can help him create a much more dignified interior day-core than he currently has. Because let's be honest children, no gay dude with this much money should be living up in a house like this. Are we right?

Teenager Hayden Panetierre Buys a Grown Up House

BUYER: Hayden Panettiere
LOCATION: Curson Terrace, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $2,635,000
SIZE: 3,120 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: ...Floor-to-ceiling windows in most rooms looking out to unobstructed 180-degree views of the city from downtown to the ocean. 3Br/3Ba including large master suite. Open floor plan w/ lots of natural light. Large living room and family room w/ fireplaces. Office, laundry room & recently upgraded kitchen w/ high end appliances. Pool and expansive deck areas w/ huge city views.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Thanks to the ever intrepid gentleman who compiles the extensive and impressive Celebrity Address Aerial database, we have learned that very bizzy teenage ack-turuss Hayden Panettiere recently forked over $2,635,000 for a very grown up mid-century modern style house in the foothills above Hollywood.

Although we've never paid much attention to Young Miss Panettiere, a quick search of the internets reveals that the 19 year old child has a long and varied resume that shows she worked on several soap operas before graduating to roles in films like Remember the Titans with Denzel W. and a starring role as a supernaturally empowered cheerleader on a boob-toob program called Heroes. Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter don't go for the sci-fi stuff so we've never set eyes on that particular program, but according to our research, it's very popular.

Other personal and professional tidbits the children might like to know about young Miss Panetierre include being nominated for a Grammy for singing a song in the animated blockbuster A Bug's Life, shamelessly shilling for corporations such as Neutrogena and Candie's (the shoo maker who fashioned those crazy clackety high heels favored by popular and kinda slutty high school gurls in the 1970s), recording a pop album to be released sometime in 2009, dating her much older Heroes co-star Milo Ventimiglia, speaking out about her lefty leaning political point of view and showboating as a globe trotting and dedicated animal rights activist. Good grief children, this gurl makes Your Mama feel like an indolent slab of beef jerky. It's a wonder Miss Missy has time to film her tee-vee program.

Anyhoo, property records indicate that back in February of 2008, young Miss Panettiere purchased a 3,120 square foot house in Los Angeles which sits down a long private driveway and happens to be di-reck-ly across the street from Tinseltown power chick Drew Barrymore's long time residence on Curson Terrace.

Listing information provided by one of our more generous tipsters indicates that the two story glass and wood box of a house was erected in 1962, sits on a sloping half acre lot and includes three bedrooms and 3 bathrooms. The loft like floor plan includes a large living and dining room with gleaming wood floors that look a little slick for dragging around in high heels, a fireplace and floor to ceiling windows that draw the eyeballs out towards the glittering carpet of lights below. Your Mama just hopes those windows have hidden and electronic shades hiding up in that itty bitty valance because those windows face due west and children, listen to Your Mama when we tell you, that the afternoon sun in Los Angeles can be a scorching nightmare that heats up your house like a damn oven.

The kitchen has been freshly renovated in a crisp modern style that won't win any dee-zine awards, but looks far better than many–if not most–of the colossally catastrophic and seizure inducing kitchens we run across. The children will please note that whomever planned this kitchen was wise enough to provide a cubby for the microwave so that it does not sit on the counter top like this is some college flop house. We can understand needing to plop the microwave down on the counter in an unrenovated kitchen, but there is zero reason in a $50,000 cooking room to have that thing competing for counter space.

A family room is adjacent and open to the family room which features a rather large skylight, a stone faced fireplace and another wall of floor to ceiling windows that gives out to a large deck that includes built in seating and stretches the entire length of the back of the house. A small, oddly shaped swimming pool sits at the other end of the property where, should they choose, Miss Panettiere and the much older Mister Ventimiglia can sun their bare buns in perfect privacy.

Upstairs, the master bedroom offers a wall of spine tingling and vertigo inducing floor to ceiling windows and an oddly placed and too small Fortuny chandelier. We recommend Miss Panettiere ring an electrician and a nice gay decorator to work out the kinks with that illumination issue.

Now children, the furniture shown in the photos is not that of Miss Panettiere, so don't any of you people start running at the mouth about how you don't cotton to her taste in Heywood Wakefield dining room tables, Eames molded plywood lounge chairs or Chinese cabinets for hiding the boob toob. She didn't buy that stuff, she bought the house. For what it's worth (and it ain't worth nuthin'), we are rather impressed with Miss Panettiere's real estate selection abilities. Not only is the house modest in scale and of an interesting (if not ground breaking) architectural design, it's also walking distance to Runyan Canyon were our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly like to hike, frolic and poop among the rich and famous. We're sure some of you will skewer us for saying this, but truth be told, if something was done to make those slippery looking floors less lethal, Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter would be more than happy to move right into young Miss Panettiere's new crib.

We wish Miss Panettiere a happy home and we recommend that she slow down a little bit or she's gonna wear herself down and need to be pumping that crazy Botox crap into her face before she's 25.

Mister Piven Moves to the Atelier?

The usually scintillating scuttlebutters at Page Six reported today that Entourage actor Jeremy Piven–who has, apparently, canoodled with not just one, but two of the skinny bitches from America's Next Top Model–is moving into the 45 story New York City building called the Atelier.

The actor is currently hanging his hat in New York while bustin' his hump in Broadways' celeb packed play Speed The Plow sooooh he does need a place to live. But the Atelier? Fer real?

The children will surely recall that this isn't the first time reports have circulated about famous folks setting up part time pied a terres at the Atelier. Other big name occupants are reported to include supermodel Maggie Rizer, comely tennis ace James Blake, the allegedly lesbian Lindsay Lohan and that poor washed up Nick Lachey and his gurlyfriend What's Her Name.

We presume, but can not prove, that these famous folks are given a free and furnished crib in exchange for the developers being given permission to "leak" the names of the big name residents to the press, thereby making the building more attractive to potential buyers who like the idea of living in the same building as famous people. But do they actually stay there when in New York? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

When in Los Angeles, his home base, it is Your Mama's understanding that Mister Piven shacks up in an oceanfront house on Malibu Road in, you guessed it, Malee-boo.

Meg Ryan Moving On from her Bel Air Beauty

SELLER: Meg Ryan
LOCATION: Stradella Road, Bel Air, CA
PRICE: $19,500,000
SIZE: 6,877 square feet, 6 bedrooms, 7 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: A gated and private drive is the approach to this 1931 restored Spanish compound. Features include: double story stenciled beamed LR, a bar "a la" 1930s Los Angeles, Frml DR and superb Cook's kitchen; All rooms open to and overlook the 180° vu of the city. Incredibly pvt knoll setting with Pool and full GH. Family/guest BRs have en suite baths & Mstr is separate and Exquisite. A screening room w/ separate entrance.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Okay children, we know we are so late to the rodeo on this one that the cowboys have all packed up their chaps and spurs and gone home, but we don't care. We feel like discussing the Los Angeles homestead of well paid actress Meg Ryan who recently hoisted her big Bel Air house on to the open market with an asking price of $19,500,000.

Miz Ryan scooped up her Spanish style Stradella Road residence in September of 2000 when all the gossip glossies were going nuts over her scandalous dee-vorce from clean and sober actor Dennis Quaid who publicly accused the fish faced romantic comedy queen of having an on set tryst with her moody Proof of Life costar Russell Crowe. Remember that children? Good times. Good times. Turns out Mister Quaid was correct about Miz Ryan doin' the naughty with Mister Crowe, but apparently Miz Ryan never forgave Mister Quaid for airing their dirty dee-vorce laundry in public because while out promoting her new film The Women, Miz Ryan decided to beat a dead horse by yakking to all the press people about how her ex-huzband was unfaithful to the marriage long before she ever was. Nothing like a little celebrity tit for tat to keep the tabloids inneresting, right?

Anyhoo, property records show that Miz Ryan paid $8,500,000 for her 6,788 square foot Spanish style stunner that listing information indicates includes 6 bedrooms and 7 bathrooms. Apparently each bedroom features its own private pooper which all Miz Ryan's over night house guests surely have appreciated over the years.

Other features, according to listing information, include a double height living room with a stenciled beamed ceiling, a bar done up in a 1930s Los Angeles style (whatever that is), a formal dining room for hosting Thanksgiving dinners, and a cook's kitchen where the chef for hire can prepare said Thanksgiving dinner. Other features include four fireplaces, an office, a study/library, family room, a three car garage and a serious security system.

The multi-winged beauty was built in 1931 and sits on a small knoll that offers the sort of 180° view that only the very rich can afford in Los Angeles. The backyard features a modest expanse of lawn and a smallish but adequately sized swimming pool surrounded by what appears to be a flagstone patio.

For the last few years, Miz Ryan has not very quietly been showing her house to well-qualified rich people such as David and Vicktoria Beckham and more recently to, natch, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner who will, so the rumor goes, have a look-see at any mansion on the market with an asking price over fifteen million clams. Miz Ryan's residence was also shown to someone Your Mama fraternizes with and whom we'll call Vlad the Impaler. Vlad whispered in our big ear that although the house is "flawless, refined and uber-tasteful," and that Miz Ryan's "furniture and art are A+++," he thinks the property has a few unfortunate and important drawbacks. After his much anticipated viewing, Vlad felt that the master bedroom lacked a real dressing room, the detached guest house seemed a little small, and the screening room, located above the garage and accessed across a catwalk from the main house, "is not a selling point" in his opinion. However, the nail in the real estate coffin for Vlad was the motor court which he found highly problematic and a bit of "a nightmare" if you're entertaining or have a lot of staff people who need to have their cars at the house and, of course, Vlad the Impaler has a rather large staff so this property, much as it was appreciated, was rejected.

Miz Ryan's Bel Air neighborhood is chock full of all sorts of rich and famous folks, but interestingly none of the previous reports we've read mention a word about Miz Ryan's next door neighbors, the sexily squinty eyed sartorial superstar Tom Ford and his fashion journalist man-friend Richard Buckley who occupy a meticulously restored and renovated house designed by the high priest of modernist architecture Richard Neutra.

top photo: Pacific Coast News

You better...

...get out there and vote damnit. Don't make Your Mama come at you with a wooden spoon in order to get you to do your civic duty and political responsibility.

Vote! Vote! Vote!

Nic Cage is Doing it in the Bahamas

SELLER: Nicholas Cage
LOCATION: Exuma Island Chain, Bahamas
PRICE: $7,000,000
SIZE: 45 acres
DESCRIPTION: This exceptional private island is quite simply one of the most beautiful islands in the Exumas. Easily accessed, the island is located between Lee Stocking Island and Norman’s Pond Cay and near to all amenities. This splendid 45-acre island enjoys beautiful beaches on the northeast side, a sandy beach with a well-protected cove on the western tip, and glistening crystalline waters. Excellent fishing and sheltered anchorage.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Thanks to some digging and scraping through the interweb over the weekend by our dedicated researcher B.S. Beaverman, Your Mama learned that not only has hairifying actor Nic Cage listed several of his many residences for sale, he's also put his private Bahamian island hideaway up for sale with an asking price of $7,000,000.

Now children, Your Mama hasn't a clue how to look up property records for private Bahamian islands, but most reports state the Mister Cage purchased the 45 acre undeveloped piece of paradise in 2006 for around $3,000,000. If we put those purchase and listing figures through our bejeweled abacus we discover that someone thinks the island has more than doubled in value in just two years of ownership. Hmm. Well, Could be. What do we know about the value of private islands? Nuthin', that's what.

Although the island is only about 85 miles southeast of Nassau, it is certainly remote enough that Mister Cage and his much younger wifey Alice Kim would be free roam the beaches nekkid as the day they were born with little fear of paparazzi snapping pix of their naughty bits. However, the undeveloped island is, well, undeveloped, which means there are no cooking or terliting facilities. Presumably the Cage couple parked a big boat out in the bay where they could retreat when tired of digging a hole in the sand in order to do their dirty bizness.

The island, called Leaf Cay, is located in the Exuma chain of islands where several other rich and famous types who are rumored and reported to own private islands including country crooning super stars Tim McGraw and Faith Hill (who have recently listed their Beverly Hills home), ex-pat a-list actor Johnny Depp who reportedly picked up Little Halls Pond Cay in 2004 and creepy magician David Copperfiled who owns a string of islands known as Musha Cay which can be rented out for as little as $37,500. Per day.

Your Mama trotted out our beloved abacus once again this morning to add up the listing prices for all the properties that we are aware of that Mister Cage currently has on the market and the number totals more than sixty million clams, a staggering and impressive figure by any standard.

We'll be sitting on our back patio sipping our lunch, flipping through the gossip glossies while on pins and needles to see if Mister Cage continues to divest of his real estate portfolio by putting more of his many properties on the market. We're also aching for the day Mister Cage or one of his spokes people puts out a statement about why he chose to sell all these properties now, at the very moment when even rich people are thinking twice about buying real estate follies.

Nic Cage Is Doing It Again in the Big Easy

SELLER: Nic Cage
LOCATION: Prytania Street, New Orleans, LA
PRICE: $3,700,000
SIZE: 13,176 square feet, 6 bedrooms, 5 full and 2 half bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: The most superlative of Garden District mansions with the best of every amenity. Ample room for a large family and big-time entertainment venue with formal gardens, parking, and everything anyone could possibly want in a most grand of grand, star-quality home.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Okay children, Your Mama needs to interrupt this weekend of raucous and typically lurid behavior by our visiting compatriot Fiona Trambeau, who is currently holed up in our guest room with an outrageously manly blatino she picked up in Silver Lake last night, to discuss the dozens of recent reports and onslaught of covert communications we've received the last couple of days about hair challenged actor and prolific trophy house collector Nic Cage selling off the infamously blood soaked LaLaurie House in New Orleans.

At least one local New Orleans news outlet has recently reported that Mister Cage has listed the Royal Street fright house for $3,900,000. However, our meager early morning research did not turn up any listing for the LaLaurie house which happens to be located just around the corner from the almost as famous Jolie-Pitt house on Governor Nicholls Street. We did, however, turn up listing information for a property on pretty Prytania Street in the Garden District that records indicate is owned by the Oscar winning actor and listing information reveals has been hoisted on to the market with an asking price of $3,700,000.

Property records for the behemoth Big Easy beauty show that a trust controlled by Mister Cage purchased the historic 13,176 square foot mansion in June of 2005 for $3,450,000. Although Mister Cage purchased the house from an antiques dealer, it is our understanding that the previous owner was homoerotic vampire novelist turned Christian memoirist Anne Rice. Listing information shows the house includes six bedrooms and seven terlits divvied up into 5 full and 2 half bathrooms.

Listing information also shows the three story house claims a living room that measures in at a staggering 77' x 44' and a super sized dining room that stretches forty-four feet long. The meticulously maintained grounds include formal gardens, oodles of covered balconies with intricate iron work balustrades, large brick terraces and a heated swimming pool.

Mister Cage, a man who owns more properties than Your Mama cares to count, has lately been lightening his fat real estate portfolio. Not only did he recently sell off his big-ass bay front mansion in Newport Beach, CA for a reported $35,000,000, he has also recently listed a huge house in Las Vegas (with an asking price of $9,500,000), the gorgeously rambling Gray Craig estate in Rhode Island (listed at $15,900,000), and his legendary Bel Air residence on Copa de Oro road which currently carries and asking price of $29,999,000.

One has to wonder (and privately snicker and speculate) why Mister Cage would chose to list so many high priced properties at a time when real estate prices are headed down the proverbial terlit. Should we soon expect his 500-year old Bavarian Schloss to hit the market? Or what about the private Bahamian island he's rumored and reported to own? Or the castle outside of Bath, England? So what gives Mister Cage? Why sell now? With 12 film project in post production, filming or scheduled to be filmed, it can't be that he needs the dough, right?