Jade Jagger Lists London Residence

SELLER: Jade Jagger
LOCATION: Keslake Road, Queen's Park, London, UK
PRICE: £1,500,000
SIZE: 1,989 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: ...Offering lavish, extremely well presented accommodation throughout, the property comprises fabulous reception and dining room, convenient eat-in kitchen opening onto garden, master bedroom with incredible en suite bathroom and walk-in wardrobe, two further generous bedrooms, glamorous bathroom with mosaic mirror wall and ceiling tiles and charming private garden to the rear...

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: A very kind British bloke we'll call Sweeney Todd recently sent Your Mama a covert communique informing us know that rock and roll heiress turned jewelry designer and property developer Jade Jagger has listed her louche London home with an asking price of £1,500,000, a figure our bejeweled abacus reveals converts to $2,471,970 at today's rates.

It probably goes without saying the Jade Sheena Jezebel Jagger is the party princess progeny of mammoth mouthed Mick Jagger and the wonderfully bizarre Bianca Jagger, who the children will recall was recently booted from her rent controlled apartment on New York's posh Park Avenue.

Thirty something year old Miss Jagger spent much of the last ten or twelve years earning a good living as the creative director of the old-school and very expensive British jewelry company Garrad. Somehow she managed to design gem encrusted jewelry while living the hedonistic life of a well-heeled hippie in a converted barn on the Spanish island of Ibiza. However, a couple of years ago, with her two daughters reaching their terrible teenage years, the single mommy relocated the family back to London where they settled in a modest house on Keslake Road in quirky Queen's Park where some of her neighbors are reported to include 007 hot-bahdee Daniel Craig, naughty and outspoken singer/songwriter Lily Allen, novelist Zadie Smith and super slim actress Thandie Newton.

Listing information indicates Miss Jagger's brick built house measures in at a modest 1,989 square feet and includes just 3 bedrooms and two garishly glitzy bathrooms, including one where in the absence of gravity one could snort cocaine off the mirrored walls and ceiling.

The front of house is surrounded by a garden with high hedges which may (or may not) provide enough privacy and protection for Miss Jagger to sunbathe in the nood. The ground floor consists of just two large rooms divided by a long and narrow entrance and stair hall. At approximately 600 square feet, the reception room–which we call a living room in the good ol' U-nited States of America–is large and high enough for Miss Jagger's glossy black dining room table topped with two insanely terrific gold statuettes. Several sofas and chairs provide plenty of lounging space, but curiously, there is not a coffee table in sight.

The kitchen features a complicated and spectacular tiled floor, a big mama sized Aga range, a few other chintzy looking appliances, a marble topped Saarinen dining room table surrounded by four of those great looking but ridiculously uncomfortable Philippe Starck ghost chairs. Have any of the children ever tried to sit their fat asses down on one of those chairs? We have, and the seat is so narrow that even whisper thin model Kate Moss' teeny tiny toosh would spill over the edge of the damn thing.

Upstairs, Miss Jagger's two gurl children, who have reportedly begun to cut quite a rug on the London party scene even though they've barely received their womanly gifts, each have their own room that shares the above mentioned mirrored bathroom. Now hunnies, pleez, what teenage gurl wants to be showering, shaving, pooping and primping in a bathroom where they can't help but see every unflattering angle of themselves? That's right, no teenage gurls we know.

Miss Jagger has created quite a master suite for herself which includes a colossal king sized bed, walls covered in grass cloth, a naughty black crystal chandelier, a walk in closet and a bathroom that is both larger than either of her children's bedrooms and features a gold plated stripper pole smack in the middle of the room. In. The. Middle. Of. The. Damn. Room. As if that were not tacky enough someone has seen fit to place a pair of white chairs so that Miss Jagger's stripping spectators can sit back and enjoy the show. Klassy.

The entirely uninviting and not particularly private rear garden has a large tiled terrace, a patch of lawn for the pooches and some pretty paltry landscaping around the perimeter.

Now that Miss Jagger has lately become deeply involved in designing and developing slick and sleek apartments buildings in New York City, could it be that she's selling house so that she can uproot her family to live across the pond? Or perhaps she's headed back to her converted barn on Ibiza? Your Mama hasn't a clue, but we do know that wherever the glammy gal lands, she's sure to make a serious splash on the beau monde social circuit and will likely do up her house like a damn night club. But what else should we expect from a boho babe who had Andy Warhol for a baby sitter?

Toby Keith Lists Nashville Crash Pad

SELLER: Toby Keith
LOCATION: West End Avenue, Nashville, TN
PRICE: $1,595,000
SIZE: 3,428 square feet, 2 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms (as per listing)
DESCRIPTION: Old World design meets stylish in-town elegance that is secure & private. With all of the amenities of new construction plus outdoor living space & pool! Soaring ceilings, tile & hwd flrs, Pecky Cypress cab. Wine cellar ,built-ins, tile roof, 2 car garage

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Listen children, Your Mama has got to be snappy here because our good friend Fiona Trambeau is winging her way down from San Francisco for a visit and we had best get to the airport to pick her up on time. Lahwd have mercy on our snarky soul if we make Miss Thing wait at the curb for even two minutes clutching her tatty snakeskin handbag, clenching her big teeth and looking like a damn street walker–and you know she will. We'll pay for that perceived indignity all weekend, so it's imperative we show up on time or better yet, early. Plus, poor Fiona is mortally afeared of aero-planes so we are quite sure she's gonna show up acting a halacious hot mess because, you know, a big nerve pill, several vodka gimlets and a ferocious fear of flying do not mix well.

Anyhoo, thanks to a man we'll call Nashville Ned we have learned that unapologetically patriotic and award winning country singing superstar Toby Keith and his wifey Tricia have put their Nashville nest up for sale with an asking price of $1,595,000.

Property records show that the Dixie Chicks detesting cowboy purchased their 3,428 square foot house on bizzy and wide West End Avenue in September of 2006 for $1,350,000. Listing information reveals the three story, tile roofed Tuscan inspired residence includes three bedrooms and 2.5 bathrooms. It appears to Your Mama that the Keith crib is part of a tightly packed three house development of similarly styled houses, although as far as we can tell, the Keith couple own only the one.

Whatever the case, we do not think this is Mister Keith's primary residence. Not only is it hardly large enough to house he, the wifey and their three children, property records reveal the well booted country couple also own an 8,714 square foot house that sits on 160 acres in Norman, Oklahoma where we believe the family bunks down. Therefore, we'd bet our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly that this modest mini-manse acts as a crash pad for when Mister Keith has bizness in the country music capital of the world.

The floor plan indicates that the residence is entered on the middle level through a shallow barrel vaulted entrance hall that either shoots guests down a wide stone stairway to the lower floor, into a guest room (with private pooper) on the left or to the right and into the master bedroom with its surprisingly beautiful bronzy colored walls and rather unappealing four poster bed. The master bedroom is comprised of a bathroom with separate tub and shower, a walk in closet and, strangely, the stacked washer and dryer. We can understand having a second washer/dryer set in the master bedroom for washing the undergarments, but this appears to be the only washer/dryer in the house which means that Paulette the Laundress will be hanging out up in the master bedroom and watching her stories on the boob toob while folding clothes on the bed. Uhm, no. The master bedroom also has a private stairway to the third floor where the floor plan shows a windowless office, a large walk-in cedar closet for stashing out of season fashions and an exercise/media room. This would also, if so inclined, be an excellent location for the sexually adventurous to build an s/m dungeon or some other fetishistic hideaway.

The wide staircase sweeps guests down from the entrance to the lower floor where the main living and entertaining space is comprised of a 40+ foot long, stone floored and dramatically decorated living/dining room combo which features a soaring wood beamed ceiling, a fireplace, a row of french doors leading to the itty bitty backyard and equally tiny swimming pool and two large and wonderfully simple chandeliers. A powder room for guests has been tucked up into a corner of the dining room, a particularly risky location for all the obvious reasons.

The stone floor in the living room has been continued into the galley style kitchen where cabinets have been fashioned from Pecky Cyprus and a giant magazine rack has been affixed to one wall. Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter do not choose keep all our printed publications where we make meals, but we can certainly appreciate having a commodious rack like that could be invaluablet for sorting and organizing all the New Yorkers and gossip glossies that arrive in our mail box every week. A large walk in wine room between the kitchen and two car garage will make all the wobbly winos (who claim to tipple and toss back for the flavor) go weak in the knees.

Who knows why Mister and Missus Keith would choose to sell thei Nashville pied a terre just two years after purchasing and at a time when real estate values are sinking like the damn Titanic in most parts of the country. Then again, it's unlikely Mister Keith needs the proceeds from the sale of this property to pay the water and eklecktrick, you know?

Now we gotta run and stash a few vomit bags in the big BMW before popping down to the airport to pickup Fiona Trambeau who will very likely lose her breakfast of nerve pills and booze on the ride home.

Tom Perkins Lives the Luxe Life on Belvedere Island

SELLER: Tom Perkins
LOCATION: Golden Gate Avenue
PRICE: $20,500,000
SIZE: 7,535 square feet, 7 bedrooms, 6.5 bathrooms (as per assessor)

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Today we're going to spread our celebrity real estate wings a little bit and discuss Bay Area bizness tycoon Tom Perkins, a filthy rich financier who recently put his big house in the super swank San Francisco suburb of Belvedere Island on the market with an asking price of $20,500,000.

For those not familiar with Mister Perkins let Your Mama give you the Reader's Digest version of his rather extensive and impressive rezoomay. After helping to steer Hewlett Packard into the personal computer bizness in the 1960s, Mister Perkins went on to make mountains of money as a Silicon Valley venture capitalist who provided start up cash for companies such as AOL, Amazon.com, Netscape and Google. Some of the more quirky elements of his life story include being convicted of involuntary manslaugher in France due to a death that occurred in a yacht racing accident and his brief marriage to ridiculously prolific romance novelist Danielle Steel who may have inspired him to write his own tawdry novel in 2006 called, not surprisingly, Sex and the Single Zillionaire.

Mister Perkins also spent a rumored and reported $100,000,000+ to build Maltese Falcon, the largest privately owned sailing yacht on the planet that includes a staggering 11,000 square feet of interior space and requires a crew of at least twenty. However, only two short years after dropping the luxe and lavish boat into the water he has put the 289-foot feat of oceanic engineering up for sale at a figure some yacht brokers are whispering is somewhere around $150,000,000€, a grotesquely large number that Your Mama's bejeweled abacus tells us converts to $187,360,500 at today's rates. Nothing like having a little pocket change to indulge one's hobbies.

Anyhoo, we're not here to blather on about a boat but rather to wag our tongue at obscenely expensive real estate. Not only is Mister Perkin divesting himself of his big boat (so that he can get into sports submarines, whatever that is), he is also looking to unload his spectacular mansion on Belvedere Island with it's crazy intricate paneling and enviable views across the San Francisco Bay and towards the gorgeous Golden Gate Bridge.

Located on the choicest section of Belvedere Island's Golden Gate Avenue and just down the block from mining mogul Robert Friedland's $65,000,000 residential extravaganza, property records show Mister Perkins' palatial digs measure in at 7,535 square feet and include 7 bedrooms and 6.5 bathrooms. A closer look-see at listing information reveals that the bedroom breakdown is more complicated than it sounds. The main floor includes a good sized guest suite and private pooper, the second floor has two wings, one for the master suite with its dual bathrooms and commodious closet space and the other for three family bedrooms, two bathrooms and laundry facilities. The lower floor features the sixth bedroom and attached terlit and has been designated as a "maid's quarters," while a "chef's apartment" rides astride the three car garage.

Although the day-core is not our cup of tea, we find the living and dining rooms to be elegant in the way that only the houses of the very rich can be and we're absolutely breathless over the manly looking library with its hidden wet bar and we're faint with glee over the dee-voonly detailed linenfold paneling and intricately carved mantel in the living room. These rooms reveal the subtle hands of a skilled tradesman and the very expensive vision of a deft decorator, nice, gay or otherwise. However, what in heaven's name happened in the study with its upsetting cacophony of visually vexatious fabrics? And do not even get Your Mama started on that bedroom with its rose colored carpeting and disturbing balloon curtains surrounding the four poster bed. Lawhd have mercy children, that room has us pouring an early morning gin and tonic to get through to the next hour.

Other rooms and amenities on the meticulously renovated and maintained main floor, according to listing information, include a temperature controlled greenhouse (for the orchid lovers, natch), a powder room, and a kitchen with attached butler's pantry and laundry room. The lower floor features a large entertainment room, a second full kitchen, full service wet bar for all the boozy types to sidle up to, a temperature controlled wine cellar (almost all rich people require wine cellars nowadays), and access to the stone terrace which leads down the hillside to the swimming pool and pool house, a real rarity in this neck of the woods due to the damp and chilly climate. The almost one acre grounds include rose gardens, level lawns for drunken games of croquet, stone paths meandering up and down the sloping lot, flowers, vegetable gardens and fruit trees. A damn Garden of Eden, children.

Additional features that will please and impress potential buyers is the alarm system, the fire hoses designated for each of the three floors and the two safes, because let's be honest children, when your pockets are deep enough to fork over twenty million clams for a house, one safe is simply not enough to stash and secure the family jewels. Okaaay?

A-Rod and C-Rod List Coral Gables Crib

SELLER: Cynthia and Alex "A-Rod" Rodriguez
LOCATION: E. Sunrise Avenue, Coral Gables, FL
PRICE: $14,876,000
SIZE: 8,310 square feet, 6 bedrooms, 5 full and 3 half bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: ...Nothing short of Paradise yet comfortable & inviting, this unparalleled property offers the finest in waterfront yachting, entertaining & living. Completely renovated, with a unique combination of new & old handcrafted, custom designed finishes creating and unmatched setting with an abundance of water surrounding more than an acre of park like grounds.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Last week we had a discussion about the Park Avenue digs of New York Yankees' soon to be dee-vorced third baseman Alex "A-Rod" Rodriguez recently listed with an asking price of $14,000,000 during which mentioned that the bay front Coral Gables mansion that he once shared with his soon to be ex-wifey Cynthia had also been tossed up on the market with an asking price of $14,876,000.

At the time, we had little information about the E. Sunrise Avenue estate. However, listing information has been beefed up and we now know the "Old World Mediterranean" mansion in suburban Miami was built in 1952, measures in at approximately 8,310 square feet and includes six bedrooms, five full and three half bathrooms.

Property records show the once convivial couple scooped up this property in December of 2004 when they paid an even-steven $12,000,000 for the 1+ acre property which records also show sits just a few short blocks from the much more modest crib of C-Rod's parents

Listing information shows the renovated and rehabbed residence features a stone floored entrance hall leading to a double height living room with a disturbingly modern and entirely unnecessary row of skylights and an area rug so dizzying Your Mama almost tossed up the candy bar we had for breakfast. The dining room has been wallpapered in a very Palm Beach Chinoiserie style wallpaper that has been smartly toned back with a well sized sisal rug under the too-traditional dining room table.

The eat-in kitchen appears to have been outfitted with pickled wood cabinets, marble counter tops and some rather unfortunate bar stools. Other rooms at the manse include an den/library/office and a media room.

The walled, gated and seriously secured property includes a large circular motor court with additional parking on what we think (but do not know for sure) was once a tennis court, all of which is surrounded by towering palm trees and all sorts of tropical foliage that provide the property with the kind of privacy often craved by rich and famous folks. The backyard offers a free form shaped swimming pool overlooking the Biscayne Bay and it appears to Your Mama there are docking facilities for at least four boats. A pool side pavilion provides an excellent place to get out of the scorching southern Florida sunshine and where we imagine might be a lovely spot for Sven the scantily clad massuer to stop by and give Your Mama a full body rub down.

Although the soon to be ex-Missus A-Rod asked for this property in the dee-vorce, it appears that in the end she's not interested in keeping the couple's house of connubial bliss and in fact, it's reported that C-Rod is out shopping for a new home in the Coral Gables and Coconut Grove areas.

As for A-Rod, when not (allegedly) slinking around and getting himself in some sticky and sweet situations in Noo York City with the soon to be single and man-eating Madonna, word on Miami's art deco'ed Ocean Drive is that the third baseman shacks up on swanky Star Island, the guard gated and pill shaped island where all manner of rich and famous folks like Gloria Estafan and Rosie O'Donnell have homes. It's also where, as far as we know, basketball giant Shaquille O'Neal is still trying to unload the monstrous mansion once rumored the erstwhile Mister and Missus Rodriquez were interested in purchasing.

Tori Spelling Is A Valley Girl

BUYERS: Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott
LOCATION: Encino Avenue, Encino, CA
PRICE: $2,495,000
SIZE: 6,718 square feet, 6 bedrooms, 6.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: ...Sophisticated inviting entertainer's floor plan. Dramatic 2 stry formal entry, richly appointed cstm finishes, french drs, 4 frplcs, over sized common rms, wood & stone flring, dining rm w/ silver leaf coffered clngs, study, office, gourmet eat-in cntr isl kit w/ Thermador, Bosch, & SubZero apls. Amazing mstr ste w/ sitting area, blcny, frplc, spa tub & multi-head shwr. Landscaped grnds w/ lanai, bbq, pool/spa & putting green.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Like, Oh my gawd! Word on the Los Angeles real estate street is that Beverly Hills born ack-turus Tori Spelling (Beverly Hills 90210, So NoTORIous, Kiss the Bride) and her ack-tor huzband Dean McDermott (Due South, Power Play, 1-800-Missing) are moving up...and over to the San Fernando Valley.

It was recently reported here, there and everywhere that the peripatetic pair listed the 5 bedroom and 3.5 bathroom house in Los Angeles' Westwood neighborhood that they bought only last year and where they filmed their most recent reality show embarrassment Home Sweet Hollywood. (Sorry Tori hun, although Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter are both unrepentant reality show junkies and we think you are a-may-zing, we just don't care for those stinky reality shows you've been doing with your huzbeau.)

It was only a matter of time before all the whispers and rumors would start circulating about where the couple would be moving next and according to multiple of Your Mama's gorgeous informants Mister and Misses McDermott signed the purchase documents for big house in Encino just last week. Yes, children, Encino.

At this point we are unable to confirm the purchase with property records. However, two of our most reliable sources–the wickedly well informed Lucy Spillerguts and an often in the know gal we call Junebug–swear on their mama's lives that the couple scooped up a walled and gated house on Encino's Encino Avenue. Information we received from Junebug reveals the property was originally listed at $3,895,000, was later reduced to $2,995,000 and that the McDermott duo paid $2,495,000.

Listing information for the property reveals the so-called "Tuscan Villa" was built in 2001, measures in at a celebrity-sized 6,718 square feet and includes 6 bedrooms, 6.5 bathrooms (plenty of room for Candy to come visit), 4 fireplaces, and a 3 car front facing garage.

While the house hardly compares in size or day-core to the obscenely over sized Holmby Hills mansion in which Miss Spelling was reared, it does include a dramatic double height entrance hall with inlaid stone floors, a curving Scarlett O'Hara style staircase and a long, tubular chandelier that, for better or worse, looks like a column of sparkling diamonds.

Most of the downstairs rooms, including the formal living and dining rooms, the library, the eat in kitchen and family room all appear to have a complicated, and in our humble and meaningless opinion, a not very attractive parquet flooring.

While we appreciate that the large eat in kitchen includes all manner of high-grade appliances and has not been completely ruined by a gigantic and potentially lethal pot rack looming over the work island, we don't think this food preparation center is going to win any kitchen design awards. Functional, big and boring is how we would describe this kitchen.

Upstairs, the long master suite includes a sitting area focussed on a fireplace and a flat screen boob-toob that looks like it's mounted off -center of the mantel, a balcony overlooking the ratty back yard, and an unnecessarily glitzy hotel-like master bath that looks like it's straight out of the 1980s and which we seriously hope Mister and Missus McDermott will have done over by a nice gay decorator right away. Much to our own surprise (and chagrin), we do, however, like that wall to wall leopard printed carpet. Grrr.

The private backyard currently includes a large covered terrace where Dean can paint Tori's toenails in the shade while the kiddies frolic on the jungle gym, a built-in barbecue center, a swimming pool and spa with one of those horrid child safety fences (surely there is a more pleasing option than this), a putting green (pleez!) and a large lawn area that looks like it could use a drink of water.

Now that Miss Spelling has left the West Side behind in order to become a Valley Girl, we expect she'll soon be pushing strollers around the Sherman Oaks Galleria and shopping incognito at the Van Nuys Costco where she can get a family sized bag of frozen potstickers for like four bucks.

Friday Morning Mish Mash

It's been a little while since Your Mama has done a little mish mash. So here we go...

1.
Thanks to all the many emails, text messages and phone calls we've received in the last 24 hours, we can finally clear up some of the confusion we had regarding the many recent reports of Oscar winning hottie Halle Berry and her Canadian-born baby daddy buying a big spread in St. Hippolyte, a wee country town about one hour north of Montreal that one sassy French Canadian told us is "the middle of nowhere."
According to listing information we located online (which was also sent by a number of convivial Canucks) we've learned that the property in question (pictured above) offers "sixty-eight acres of privacy and seclusion" and includes a 2,500 square foot modern architectural hoose with 3 bedrooms and just 1 bathroom. Although the bathroom is dee-voon, we wonder if Miss Berry will have a few Canadian contractors up there tout de suite adding a private pooper to the master bedroom.

Listing information also indicates the gated estate was listed at $1,850,000 (Canadian, we presume), offers deeded access to nearby Lac à L'Achigan and comes with its own "five acre private spring fed lake." At the risk of being completely and utterly incorrect, we're guessing the Lac Molson that was referenced in other reports is this private 5 acre lake.

Thanks to our ever intrepid research superstar B.S. Beaverman who forwarded the snaps. Although we're not into a Canadian winter, we have just three words to describe this property: Gor. Jee. Uhs.

2.
Yesterday we received a phone call from our fine friend Fiona Trambeau, a woman of loose morals who swears it is her sworn duty to ferret out and feel up all the heterosexual men in San Francisco, who hooked us over to a juicy article in the NY Post about jet setting human rights advocate Bianca Jagger getting evicted from her rent stabilized apartment in New York City.

The Nicaraguan born British citizen who is known to keep an apartment in London also held a long term and rent stabilized lease on a posh Park Avenue pied a terre for which she paid $4,614 per month.

According to Miz Jagger's landlord, the ex-wife of Mick Jagger stopped paying rent a few years back, a scenario which tends to piss off landlords, particularly the ones who own rent stabilized units. The two parties fussed and fought until 2006 when the dispute wound up in front of a judge who ordered the rich bee-hawtcha to pony up the back rent. The former model and Studio 54 fixture pushed back claiming she was unable to live in the 18th floor apartment because an asbestos and fungus contamination rendered the apartment uninhabitable.

So back to the courthouse they went where Miz Jagger and her high priced attorney appealed the earlier decision that required her to cough up a big wad of cash for unpaid back rent. However, her appeal was shot down because Miz Jagger holds a B2 (tourist) visa which requires her to maintain a "principal, actual dwelling place" outside of the United States and, of course, New York City rent regulation laws require the lease holder maintain the stabilized unit as a "primary residence." And as we all know from filing our taxes, you can't legally have two primary residences.

There is no word on whether Miz Jagger will choose to lease a market rate apartment in New York.

3.
Hollywood's most famous Scientologist Tom Cruise seems to have brought some of his real estate crazy to New York City where his much younger wifey Katie Holmes is currently appearing in some Broadway play or other. The couple–who last summer were widely reported to be looking at a number of very high priced rentals including the $200,000 per month penthouse at the Trump Park Avenue–are now reported to be shacking up in one of the better buildings in the East Village where the people at Page Six in the NY Post say Mister Crooz has owned a 10th floor apartment since 1985.

Page Six also reported yesterday that one of Mister and Missus Cruz's chattier neighbors claims, "Tom and Katie now keep five units in the building." The nosy neighbor went on to say that one of the units has been turned into a playroom for Suri, another into a gym and two others are utilized for staff.

Listen children, given that one of the Crooz's mouthpieces denies the couple is snatching up apartments in the 12 story East Village building and given all the real estate rumors that have circulated about Mister Cruise–remember last year when we all thought he wanted to buy a big spread at The Dakota?–who knows what's true and what's not about his downtown living situation. What we really want to know is if they chow down on pierogi at Veselka.

Your Mama Hears...

...That there's trouble brewing in The Hills.

First there was all that freaking out in the quiet Hollywood neighborhood where The Hills' resident "fashion designer" Lauren Conrad purchased a $2,360,000 Spanish style house in early 2008. Some of Miss Conrad's neighbors were all kinds of pissed about the marauding paps busting up their bushes, fervid fans standing around gawking and tour buses trolling up and down the narrow residential street. And who could blame them? The din became so deafening that the usually very upright Los Angeles Times saw fit to write an entire article about the reality television brouhaha.

Now we hear from a gabby gal named Veronica Vociferous that many of her neighbors in L.A.'s Hollwood Dell neighborhood are all upset and atwitter over MTV's plans to film episodes of The Hills at the Bryn Mawr Drive house that The Hills' dark haired drama queen Audrina Patridge recently scooped up for a $1,290,000.

The Hollywood Dell Civic Association recently sent a letter of protest to neighborhood residents, a copy of which we received from Miz Vociferous. The letter asks residents to contact the Film LA Community Director and some Sargent at the LAPD to register their displeasure, concern and complaint about their fear of film crews clotting up the narrow and twisting roads that wind through the usually very quiet neighborhood, not to mention the ensuing meelee of picture snapping paparazzi and breathless fans who think standing outside a famous person's house is anything but outrageously stoopid.

Could it be that all those whining and bickering gurls on The Hills have finally had their fifteen minutes? Jeezis, Mary and Joseph we sure hope so.

Is Halle Berry Heading North?

Thanks to Candy Canuck, we were linked over to a recent and brief article in the Montreal Gazette which reports Oscar winning actress Halle Berry and her Canadian-born male model baby daddy Gabriel Aubry have recently purchased property in St. Hippolyte, Quebec. According to the wee article, Miss Berry's French Canadian hideaway home cost a million smackers (Canadian, we presume) and sits on 63 acres overlooking Molson Lake.

Naturally we took to the internets to see if we could sort out some of the details and, curiously, the only Molson Lake we could locate is in the province of Manitoba, which is nowhere near sleepy St. Hippolyte which sits in the northern reaches of the province of Quebec.

Now children, we freely confess to not knowing shit from shinola about rural Canadian geography, but can someone who does please help us out here? Are St. Hippolyte and Molson Lake actually anywhere near each other?

Whatever the Canadian case, as far as we know, when in Tinseltown Miss Berry, her new baby and her good looking baby daddy all bed down in the N. Doheny Drive compound she bought from former child actor turned racecar driver Frankie Muniz in July of 2005.

Mid-Century Modern in Beverly Hills

SELLER: Estate of Ray Evans
LOCATION: Angelo Road, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $9,995,000
SIZE: 4 bedrooms and 5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION:Designed in 1952 by architect William Beckett, the mid century modern house & separate guesthouse w/ pool on almost 4 acres. The main rooms have 12-foot ceilings & the other rooms are all in original condition. The property has panoramic views from downtown LA to the Pacific Ocean & is located less than 5 minutes from Sunset Blvd. Rambling pathways traverse acres of hillside property & lots of mature landscaping. Extremely private.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: It seems too seldom that Your Mama gets to pontificate and blather on about the home of a public figure in which we would actually want to live. Such is the case of the beyond bee-yoo-tee-us Beverly Hills property being sold by the Ray Evans estate with an asking price of $9,995,000.

Had we ten million clams, and we most certainly do not, Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter would snap this place up faster than a pill popper could crush and snort an 80mg Oxycontin tablet. We know y'all are whining and rollin' yer eyes and acting all superior about how mid century modern is so damn tired that it was tired 5 years ago, but frankly we don't care. We love it anyway. Plus, good design transcends trend.

Anyhoo, the children may not recognize Mister Evans' name, but certainly many of you will recognize some of the Oscar winning musical masterpieces he wrote such as Doris Day's Que Sera Sera, Dinah Shore's Buttons and Bows, and Nat King Cole's Mona Lisa. Mister Evans lived to the ripe old age of 92 before he went to meet the great composer in the sky in 2007.

Your Mama was first notified about this property several days ago by someone we'll call Peter Passesalonginformation, and with the help of Our Fairy Godmother in Beverly Hills we were able to locate listing information which reveals that the Angelo Drive compound was designed by little lauded mid-century modern architect William Becket. It appears the house was built in 1952 by and for Mister Evans and his wifey Wyn.

Information Your Mama located on the handy dandy interweb tells us the Evans residence sits on almost four acres of prime property and is comprised of three separate pavilions which meander down sloping landscape. The upper most structure contains the the carport, entrance and living spaces, and the middle structure the sleeping quarters. A glassed in bridge connects the two upper units. The lowest and smallest structure, adjacent to the gorgeously glam oval shaped swimming pool, was intended for guests.

Fortunately for guests, the driveway continues beyond and around the living and sleeping pavilions and curves down the hill to the guest house. While it's wonderful to provide guests a perfectly private space to do the dirty and the nasty, it's not so hospitable to ask them to clamor down a dark hillside after a boozy night of barbecue and backgammon.

Listing information indicates the residence includes 4 bedrooms and 5 bathrooms. To be honest children, we're not sure if all those bedrooms are located in the sleeping pavilion or if those numbers include the bedroom(s) and terlit(s) in the guest quarters.

We're loathe to speak ill of the dead's day-core, so we'll not discuss the bothersome beige carpeting in the living room or the upsetting chandelier situation in the dining room. What we will say is that the Evans residence looks to be the home of a thinking person who cared about and paid attention to art, architecture and design but did not take it all too seriously.

We'd be delighted to see this property after the next owner dumps a good sized wad of cash into updating and upgrading the services and systems and hires a nice gay decorator to do William Beckett (and Ray and Wyn Evans) proud.

Who Said Recession?

Oooo-weee children, hold on to your britches because real estate gossip Max Abelson at the New York Observer is on a roll this week. First was was the much ballyhooed rumor about Aussie actor Hugh Jackman being in contract for a minimalist's wet dream of a triplex in one of the Richard Meier designed green glass towers, then it was news about L.A. based billionaire Eli Broad trying to sell off his pricey pied a terre at the seriously swank and super swish Sherry Netherland and now he's reporting that AOL/Time Warner widow Courtney Sale Ross has "very, very, very quietly" floated her vast doo-plex at 740 Park Avenue onto the market for an undisclosed number believed and reported to be well in excess of $60,000,000.

Back when Time Warner chieftain Steve Ross was still among the living, the couple reportedly combined two already elephantine units–one said to have been 14 rooms and the other 18 rooms–into one titanic two-floor mansion on the 12th and 13th floors at the stodgy, restrictive and obscenely expensive apartment tower. Michael Gross, a man who several years ago chronicled the comings and goings of the residents in a lush and fascinating book, was reportedly told about the Sale Ross residence that one of the dining rooms and a kitchen were combined to create a children's room, one of the living rooms was converted to a screening room and one of the bedrooms was "sueded," whatever that is.

Upon hearing the rumor, Mister Abelson flipped his well worn rolodex and managed to get on the horn with the listing agent, the venerable Edward Lee Cave, who told him, "It's going to be the most expensive apartment ever sold in New York." That means the duplex will need to sell for more than real estate mogul Harry Macklowe's multi-unit purchase at the much maligned (but almost entirely sold out) conversion of the The Plaza Hotel.

The very philanthropic Mrs. Ross, who founded the very expensive Ross School in hoity toity East Hampton, is perhaps selling because, as Mister Cave told Mister Abelson, "Her offices are downtown; her daughter is downtown." Not sure what that means, but okay.

Whatever the case, Mister Cave claims he's only going to show the gargantuan apartment to "10 people who are appropriate to see it," but conceded to Mister Abelson that, "If somebody very, very, very important calls me, I will run it by her."

With so many thirty and forty million dollar plus apartments on the market in New York City, it remains to be seen whether this one will garner much interest or if it too will linger and languish. However, never underestimate the pull, prestige and mystique 740 Park Avenue offers to all those bizness barons, telecom tycoons and cash rich executives who would give their first born–not to mention more than sixty million clams–to own and occupy a legendary and leviathan doo-plex in a legendary building on legendary Park Avenue.

Nic Cage Is Flipping Out In Rhode Island

SELLER: Nicolas Cage
LOCATION: Gray Craig Road, Middletown, RI
PRICE: $15,900,000
SIZE: 24,664 square feet, 12 bedrooms, 10 full and 3 half bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Too long for Your Mama's tired fingers to type

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Thanks to a little birdie we'll call Benny the Bluebird we've learned that hair challenged Oscar winning actor Nic Cage is flipping a lavish Middletown, Rhode Island estate he scooped up only last year. A recent report in the Boston Globe and a little look-see at the current listing tells Your Mama that the trophy property mad Mister Cage, a man whose real estate portfolio seems to be in constant flux, has put the 26.77 acre estate on the market with an asking price of $15,900,000, which is just $200,000 more than he paid for the historic Craig Road residence.

Built of stone and textured brink in the late 1920s and called Gray Craig, the monumental house spreads over four floors and measures in at a robber baron pleasing 24,664 square feet.

Because we're crazy that way, we spent an hour or more pouring over the online floor plan provided by the listing agent and we counted 28 rooms, 15 fireplaces, 4 stair halls including a spectacular circular foyer with a sweeping high-drama staircase, at least 27 closets including a cedar one on the third level that is larger than many Manhattan studio apartments, a gymnasium with attached bath and sauna, 2 kitchens, 3 beverage bars/pantries and 2 laundry rooms. Although listing information states there are 12 bedrooms and 10 full and 3 half bathrooms, we counted 10 bedrooms in the main house with another 3 in an attached guest house or staff quarters, and 9 full and 2 half bathrooms in the main house with another 2 full poopers in the guest house/staff quarters. Whatever the case, the tri-winged behemoth is plenty large for Mister Cage can easily house his family and whatever entourage he carts around with him.

The main floor includes a 1,134 square foot, two chandelier living room, a smaller and more intimate reception room off the circular foyer, a 43-foot long barrel vaulted library that is rather sadly furnished with a super shiny and ship sized dining room table and a horrid flat screen boob-toob mounted to the meticulously maintained paneling above the fireplace, a long dining room that appears to have a silver leaf ceiling (although we're not sure of that), a glass conservatory, and a large kitchen and keeping room, all of which are connected by a wood paneled central axis hallway and all of which have wood burning fireplaces. Guests are free to use either of the powder rooms off the main hallway, one of which is done up and did over with pink paneling and gold accents that would surely please Marie Antoinette.

Behind the kitchen is a two story, seven room guest house or staff wing with separate entrance, kitchen, living room, den, three bedrooms and 2 bathrooms. Two wood paneled guest bedrooms complete the main floor and share a huge renovated and mosaic tile wrapped bathroom.

In addition to the home gymnasium with its private bathroom and party sized sauna, the second floor features five gigantic bedrooms each with their own fireplace and private terlit room. The third floor offers two more bedrooms, the above mentioned cedar closet, a large undefined room and a gargantuan 2,100+ square foot "theatre" room with an impressively high and steeply pitched roof line. Curiously and unfortunately, there is no bathroom on the third floors which renders the two bedrooms up there only for guest comfortable peeing in bedpans.

Accessed by a steep and wickedly curving staircase, the lowest level includes a brick floored billiard room, laundry facilities, a vault for the furs, jewels and cash on hand, and two more bedrooms each with their own fireplace and terlit room.

It's unclear to Your Mama if Mister Cage and his much younger wifey Alice Kim purchased the massive mansion fully furnished, partially furnished or unfurnished because some of the photographs used in the current listing appear to be the same as those that appeared in the listing from when Mister and Missus Cage purchased the property. Whatever the case, the current day-core seems inconsequential given that the sure to be filthy stinking rich new owner(s) will likely want to put his or her own decorative stamp on the heavily detailed rooms of the mansion.

Mister Cage has lately been divesting himself of some of his luxury properties having sold off his waterfront mansion in Newport Beach, CA for a reported $35,000,000. More recently he listed a 14,306 square foot house located in a gated community in Las Vegas, NV for $9,500,000 and his legendary Bel Air mansion is currently on the market with an asking price of $29,000,000 (reduced from its earlier asking price of 35 million smackers).

Mister Cage owns many other properties, too many to list here in their entirety. Suffice to say he's got at least one house in San Francisco, at least one in New Orleans where he owns the infamous and creepy LaLaurie House, several in Britain including a townhouse in Bath and a recently purchased Gothic castle outside of Bath and some reports say he also possesses a 40+ acre private island in the Bahamas but we don't have any first hand knowledge or property record proof of that.

Billionaire Eli Broad Lists Fifth Avenue Aerie

SELLER: Eli Broad
LOCATION: Fifth Avenue, New York, NY
PRICE: $15,000,000 (maint/cc = $17,306 per month)
SIZE: 2 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: A triple mint full floor tower residence with sweeping 360 degree views of Central Park and the City. The apartment has 2 bedrooms, a dining room, living room and library. Distinguished interior design, high ceilings, beautifully proportioned rooms make this apartment one of the most desirable residences to be offered at The Sherry.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: This morning we're going to piggy back on the New York Observer's celebrity real estate gossip wunderkin Max Abelson and discuss septugenarian billionaire Eli Broad's New York City pied a terre which has been quietly on the market since August of 2008 with an asking price of $15,000,000.

Mister Broad–rhymes with road, thank you very much–made his billions as a founding partner of Kaufmann & Broad (now called KB Home), one of the companies responsible for building thousands upon thousands of architecturally uninspired tract houses all across America. He also founded SunAmerica, a financial services giant that was absorbed by the even bigger and now beleaguered insurance juggernaut AIG in the late 1990s. Mister Broad, considered by some to be a civic buttinsky, has a long history of hard core commitment to improving the cultural and architectural face of Los Angeles, and he and his wifey Edythe are very deep pocketed philanthropists who proudly posses one of the largest, most enviable and most valuable modern and contemporary art collections in the world.

According to Mister Abelson, the Los Angeles based billionaire has been trying to unload his 33rd floor cooperative apartment at New York's super swank Sherry-Netherland Hotel, where industrialists, billionaires, foreign potentates and big name celeb go to marinate in the sort of dignified splendor and white glove service that can only be bought by people with behemoth bank accounts. Case in point is the mammoth maintenance and common charges of Mister Broad's 2 bedroom and 2.5 bathroom tower aerie which listing information indicates is a whopping $17,306. Per month. Of course all that monthly money means Mister Broad gets daily maid service and access to room service by Cipriani, but if anyone were to ask Your Mama, and of course no one did, that's a lot of money for an underpaid maid to run a vacuum and scrub the damn terlit every day.

Anyhoo, listing information for the 33rd floor tower unit reveals that Mister Broad's Big Apple pied a terre includes a private landing leading to a dee-voonly paneled library over looking Central Park, a 28 foot long living room with Central Park views and a fireplace, and a decent sized dining room large enough to host a few friends or family for room service from Cipriani, which is located in the high class hotel. A small kitchen is tucked back behind the dining room with an adjacent laundry room. Each of the two bedrooms has two exposures, glittering views and a private pooper, a set up that all the children know by now floats Your Mama's real estate boat.

We find the monochromatic palette in the living and dining rooms to be soothing but somewhat lackluster and while we're sure each of the artworks cost more than our house, we would have preferred to see more vibrant artwork to act as a counter balance to all that taupe day-core and give the rooms a little pizazz. That one red vase in the living room and a few pieces of perfectly polished silver in the dining room just doesn't do it for us. None the less we appreciate that the dining room table shines a mirror, the meticulously engineered paneling in the library makes us pee a little with envy and we're faint over the mathematically precise hang of the curtains in the living room.

Mister Abelson dove deep into property records where he discovered that Mister Broad has been shacking up at The Sherry since at least 1985 and the unit being offered for sale is not his first or only high-priced hideaway at the hoity toity hotel and apartment tower. Records do indeed reveal that in April of 2006 Mister Broad forked over $9,450,000 for a 2 bedroom and 3.5 bathroom unit on the 25th floor. Must be nice.

Mister Broad certainly owns more real estate that Your Mama could ever be bothered to catalog. However, in addition to his pricey pied a terre at The Sherry, he also owns a couple of other notable properties in Los Angeles. As far as we know, his primary residence is a 10,090 square foot Frank Gehry designed mansion on Oakmont Drive–arguably Brentwood's most exclusive residential street–where the children may or may not be surprised to know that Mister and Missus Broad have a stunning Richard Serra steel sculpture sitting in their garden. Like many of the L.A. based billionaires, when the Platinum Triangle heats up like a damn oven Mister Broad escapes to more temperate Malee-boo where he owns a Richard Meier designed compound just a few doors down from fellow billionaire art collector David Geffen's colossal compound on hideously expensive Carbon Beach.

Hugh Jackman is Really Rich!

A quick spin through hot bodied Aussie actor Hugh Jackman's long IMDB resume and we realize that we've never seen a single movie that featured his bulging biceps, thick thighs or acting prowess. In fact, for better or worse, Your Mama has not even heard of most of the films in which he has appeared.

Our admitedly lackluster research indicates that he of the eye popping nipples and six-pack stomach has appeared in a large number of Van Helsing and X-Men movies (not to mention a Broadway play or two), which explains why we've never seen them. Not only do we not care for the action-adventure genre of which he seems to be king of the heap and contrary to popular opinion we're not much of a theater queen either.

Anyhoo, according to the New York Observer's celebrity real estate boy wonder Max Abelson, Mister Jackson and his sexily squinted eyes are in contract to purchase a tremendous triplex in one of Richard Meier's gorgeous (but over rated) green glass buildings that overlooks the Hudson River on New York City's West Side Highway.

Spreading over three full floors, the unusually large unit is owned by Sun Microsystems co-founder Bill Joy who first put the 11,000 square foot unit on the market in November of 2007 with a blistering asking price of $40,000,000. The price was later reduced to a still staggering $33,000,000 and young Mister Abelson reports that his sources tell him the unit is in contract for something over $25,000,000. A lot of moolah to be sure, but nowhere near the forty mil Mister Microsystems originally wanted.

Mister Abelson's sources say the deal is a bit shaky, but if Mister Jackson does indeed consumate he'll be the proud owner of three floors of over-the-top minimalist fabulousness that features five bedrooms–including the full floor 51-foot wide master bedroom with custom fitted closets, exercise room, sauna and a party sized shower, three terraces, 5 full and 2 half bathrooms, a 51-foot long living room, a 54-foot long dining room, a 51-foot long recreation room and more closets than we can be bothered to count, a storage situation we're sure both Mister and Mrs. Jackman will appreciate.

Not that it's any of Your Mama's snarky beez-wax, but who knew Mister Jackman had this much damn money?

Your Mama Hears...

...from our wickedly well informed tipster Lucy Spillerguts that the perfectly pure Texas-based tween singing sensations The Jonas Brothers are moving into a new house in the swanky East Gate section of Bel Air. Listing information we dug up on their new Bel Air hideaway shows that the property includes a four bedroom main house, a three bedroom guest house, a large office suite and a swimming pool where the boys can host well chaperoned pool parties.

The compound-like property was previously owned by producer Jordan Kerner (Inspector Gadge 1 and 2, George of the Jungle, Fired Green Tomatoes and many more.), but records indicate the estate was recently sold for $5,950,000 to a business entity that does not appear to be linked to the Jonas Brothers. We think–but can not say for sure–that the Jonas family has leased the house.

Like most of the posh properties in Bel Air, the house is almost totally hidden from the street, which means all you virginal tweens and teens should not bother asking your parents to drive you by since there's nothing to see but a high hedge. Besides, the house also happens to be right next door to the totally secluded and heavily secured Tinseltown estate owned by entrepreneurial pop diva Jennifer Lopez and her skeletal skinny salsa singing huzband Marc Anthony which means that security in the area is always present, probably armed and not the least bit innerested in dealing with a carload of shrieking gurls or gays.

All the tween pop luvvin' children will recall that the Jonas family were recently reported to have purchased a 7,360 square foot mansion with 6 bedrooms and 6.5 bathrooms at the Vaquero Club, a fancy schmancy guard gated community in Westlake, Texas.

Ambassador and Mrs. Shriver List Potomac Estate

SELLERS: Ambassador Robert Sargent Shriver and Eunice Kennedy Shriver
LOCATION: Harrington Drive, Potomac, MD
PRICE: $11,800,000
SIZE: 15,500 square feet (approx.), 10 bedrooms, 11 full and 1 half bathroom
DESCRIPTION: Handsome 16,000 Sq Ft Residence set on 6.84 acres in Bradley Farms. Featuring stately principal rooms, 10 BRs, 11 Full & 1 half BAs. Tennis Court, Pool, Pool House, 4-car garage and meticulously landscaped grounds.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Early this morning, before the sun was even shining, Your Mama received a communique from Henry Helpsalot who linked us over to an article reporting the recent listing of a colossal Colonial Revival style mansion in Potomac, Maryland owned and being sold by Ambassador Robert Sargent Shriver and his wifey of 55 years Eunice Kennedy Shriver. The Shriver's lavish shack is located in the Bradley Farms area of Potomac where big money and political power mix freely. The 10 bedroom and 11.5 bathroom behemoth is listed at $11,800,000.

In addition to being an ambassador to France in the late 1960s, Ambassador Shriver helped found the Peace Corps and was once a time Democratic Vice Presidential candidate. Missus Kennedy Shriver was born into the politically powerful and clannish Kennedy tribe, helped found the Special Olympics and is, as the children surely know, the mother of California's current first lady Maria Shriver Schwarzenegger.

At first glance, the Shriver family seat appears to have a well worn patina of generations of living. However, listing information for the 6.84 acre estate on hoity toity Harrington Drive reveals that Ambassador and Missus Shriver actually built their dignified digs in 1986. Designed by Smith Blackburn Architects and measuring in at a boo-teek hotel sized 15,500 square feet (approx.), the stately mansion offers plenty of space for hosting charity events, wining and dining powerful politicos and housing heaps and hordes of extended family during the holidays.

A little look-see at the floor plan reveals a bowling alley style entrance hall where with a swooping Scarlett O'Hara worthy circular stair case that serves three of the four floors. Your Mama is please to see that an elevator has also been installed that services the lower level (read basement and the two main living floors. Apparently all the guest staying on the third can suck it when it comes to huffing and puffing up to bed after a long night of cocktails and crudité with the who's who of Washington.

The public rooms, with their gorgeous shiny wood floors, high ceilings and classic details, include a 32-foot long living room with a large fireplace and an adjacent wet bar. A large sitting room beyond the living room provides more entertaining space and a photo strewn grand piano for all those family singalongs that everyone hates but pretends to enjoy. The library has a second fireplace and another, much large wet bar which will certainly delight all the boozier types out there. The banquet hall sized dining room stretches 32 feet, features a third fireplace and each of the four corners of the room have display niches for showing off the family knick-knacks.

The cooking staff will certainly appreciate the nearly 400 square foot kitchen that includes two large walk in pantries, one larger than most bodegas in New York City. The adjacent octagonal breakfast room is sufficiently separate from the kitchen that one need not be bothered by the chef clanking pots and pans or running the dishwasher.

The second floor includes five en-suite bedrooms all of which have access to one of the four balconies. The master bedroom includes a private study, a large dressing room and bathroom. The third level, tucked up into the roof and not accessible by the elevator, has three more bedrooms, each with their own private pooper. Also on this level are two utility areas, a large walk in cedar closet for storing out of season fashions and six other storage rooms for hiding away all the family heirlooms and unwanted gifts. Presumably this is where all the Shriver and Kennedy children were put up when they were visiting.

The lowest level, which is really the basement, includes a 900+ square foot windowless family/recreation room, an exercise room with bathroom and a staff suite that includes two bedrooms, two bathrooms, a sitting room, office, a couple of storage rooms and laundry facilities.

The Shriver day-core is pretty much what one would expect from old people with old (for America) money. Sorta Bunny Williams with a little Mario Buatta mixed in with dignified early American antiques and a truckload of artwork and framed documents thrown up willy-nilly on the mostly white walls. It ain't Your Mama's decorative cup of tea, but for a house this large it does look fairly comfortable and well lived in.

The grounds include a long driveway terminating in a circular driveway large enough to park all the Kennedy cars, a four car detached garage plus additional parking, acres of rolling lawns for tossing the pigskin or potato sack racing, a tree shaded tennis court with lights for late night mixed double tournaments, a large in ground swimming pool with an adjacent pavilion for getting out of the sunshine.

Although it is widely reported that Ambassador Shriver suffers from Alzheimer's and sometimes does not recognize his family and loved ones, the Shriver family has reportedly chosen to sell the family house because the elder Shrivers have been enjoying spending increased time with their family in Hyannis Port, Los Angeles and Miami.

A-Rod Officially Lists Park Avenue Condo (and other news about Madonna)

SELLER: Alexander "A-Rod" Rodriguez
LOCATION: Park Avenue, New York, NY
PRICE: $14,000,000
SIZE: 4,600 square feet (approx.), 4 bedrooms, 6.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: The Ultimate Trophy! Turn-Key – Triple Mint Renovation.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: When married celebrities go splitsville the dee-vorce often results in their high priced homes being sold off so the assets can be divided. The scandalous and public parting of lavishly compensated New York Yankees third baseman Alexander "A-Rod" Rodriquez and his ex-wifey Cynthia is just one example. Amid continuing rumors and reports of A-Rod hooking up with Madonna the Material Mommy, not only have the one time happy couple and parents of three put their Coral Gables waterfront estate on the market with a $14,876,000 asking price, thanks to a very well connected New York tipster we'll call Mister Greenjeans, we've learned that the Park Avenue digs of the recently dee-vorced duo has also popped up on the market with an asking price of $14,000,000.

A-Rod and the ex-Missus scooped up their approximately 4,600 square foot condo at the Trump Park Avenue building in July of 2005 for a reported $7,400,000. The records Your Mama accessed support that purchase price. The Trump Park Avenue is the same utterly banal Costas Kondylis designed apartment tower where records show billionaire drug distributor Stewart Rahr owns a 30th floor unit, the dee-voon Ivanka Trump shacks up in a surprisingly modest apartment on the sixth floor and where Big Daddy Donald Trump has the 4 bedroom and 6.5 bathroom penthouse listed at a silly-stoopid asking price of $51,000,000, up from the forty-five million he was originally asking for the three terrace doo-plex white elephant.

Anyhoo, listing information and a look-see at the Rodriguez floor plan reveals the fourth floor unit includes three principal bedrooms and 5.5 bathrooms plus a staff room and bathroom tucked up behind the kitchen and accessed, natch, through the large laundry room.

The long entrance gallery includes a walk in closet and a windowless powder room that looks like a damn murder scene. While the master bedroom has two and the other bedrooms and the library all have their own private poopers, it concerns and worries Your Mama that not a one of them has a window. No. One. Window. Don't tell me that a few matches and one of those fancy fans in the ceiling can take care of last night's take out Chinese, because you all know from experience, they can not.

Listing information also indicates the Rodriguez residence underwent a "triple mint renovation" which has resulted in the formal living room did over and done up as a casual family room with beige sofas, a beige run over the parquet floors, blue curtains and a big boob-toob. The original kitchen and formal dining room spaces have been opened up to each other and now include an all white kitchen with a gorgeous refrigerator (which the children will note does have a window), a giant industrial stove and marble counter tops. Pushed up against the work island is a dining area and beyond that a small sitting area. A large butlers pantry includes ship like wood work and a wine refrigerator that will make and the oenophiles smile and Mister Rodriguez's library has paneled walls and built in shelving for all 12 of his books.

It's been widely rumored and reported that A-Rod leased an apartment at the Time Warner Center several months ago and without his now ex-wife knowing. Your Mama does not have any idea if there's a shred of truth to that, but rarely wrong celebrity real estate gossip Braden Keil recently reported that the filthy rich ball player has his eye on a 4 bedroom spread at the much ballyhooed 15 Central Park West building. Although both A-Rod and Madonna's people deny the rampant rumors of a steamy romance between the two cultural pop icons, 15 CPW happens to be just a few short blocks from the Kabbalah Kween's New York City crib. Make of that what you will children.
Now that Madge and Mister Guy Ritchie have finally copped to their long whispered about dee-vorce plans, one has to wonder now what they'll do with their two-townhouse compound (see above) in the swanky Marylebone district of London where Madge famously installed a very expensive gym where fellow ex-pat gal pal Gwyneth Paltrow is often spotted arriving or departing from what we imagine to be a death defying workout with the freakishly fit 50 year old super star. A local London source we'll call Great Cumberland Kate informs Your Mama that both of Madonna's townhouses appear to be undergoing significant renovations...and interesting, expensive and unusual undertaking in the days and months immediately before the couple announced their impending dee-vorce.

Townhouse Photo: Nataliyaphotographics.com

Update: Tori Spelling

Is Tori Spelling on the move again? Well children, according to Celebrity real estate gossip Ann Brenoff at Los Angeles Times, she is. Or soon will be. Apparently Miss Spelling and her ack-tor huzband Dean McDermott have listed the Westwood crib they purchased just eight months ago. A quick peruse through the MLS didn't turn up a listing for the property, so for now we'll just have to take Miz Brenoff's word for it.

According to prop records, in February of 2008 the couple closed on a modest house on well manicured Thayer Avenue where they proceeded to film their utterly banal reality program Home Sweet Hollywood. Don't get Your Mama wrong puppies, we love us some Tori Spelling almost as much as we love an Abazaba before bed. We were mad for her as the virginal dyslexic Donna Martin on the original Beverly Hills 90210 and we swooned with dee-light over her savagely high-larious 10 episode tour-de-force So NoTORIous. But these reality programs she does now? Uhm, not so much.

Anyhoo, records show the couple paid $2,275,000 for the 5 bedroom and 3.5 bathroom house with a sweet solar heated saltwater swimming pool in the backyard. Miz Brenoff is reporting that the house is listed at $2,395,000 and again, we'll just have to take their word for it.

Wherever the Mister and Missus Tori Spelling may be moving, we wish them all the best. Just please tell us they won't be filming another one of those reedonkulous reality programs.

Ross Bleckner Selling Truman Capote's House

SELLER: Ross Bleckner
LOCATION: Daniel's Lane, Sagaponack, NY
PRICE: $14,800,00
SIZE: 4 acres, 2,000 square feet, plus outbuildings
DESCRIPTION: Hear the ocean from this very private and breathtaking setting in the heart of Sagaponack. Once the home of Truman Capote, this property has an ocean view main house, legal 2 bedroom guest house, 1,900 sq ft artist's studio, detached garage and swimming pool. It is an oasis with stunning gardens, lawns and mature trees set 1,000 feet from the ocean. Main house is a south facing, mid century modern home tastefully appointed and has plan and permits to expand. Guest house is ideally situated with its own privacy, gardens and parking.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: We are way late to the rodeo on the faboo Hamptons hideaway that noted abstract artist Ross Bleckner recently put on the market for $14,800,000, but we desired to discuss it anyway for three reasons.

1. The 4 acre, L-shaped compound on Daniel's Lane in quietly swanky Sagaponack, NY sits just a hop, skip and a jump from Gibson's Beach where Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter often took our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly to frolic in the sand and surf.

2. The mid century modern main house was built in 1961 and owned for many years by one of Your Mama's favorite fey writers Truman Capote (Breakfast at Tiffany's, In Cold Blood, and his dee-lishusly scandalous Answered Prayers). And as far as we're concerned real estate provenance doesn't get any better than that.

3. As we mentioned above, the property is currently owned and being sold by screamingly successful artist Ross Bleckner, a man who once invited Your Mama over to his big building on White Street that used to be the Mudd Club where he proceeded to show us his luminous and enigmatic abstract paintings and then unceremoniously shoved his hand down our pants. The much older Mister Bleckner was, of course, roundly rebuffed and Your Mama made a quick exit down the very scary manually operated elevator at the back of the building. This was an ice age ago when Your Mama was a still pretty young thing, so we can't blame Mister Bleckner for wanting to sample our buffet. However, we just weren't interested in anything but his paintings. True story children, true story.

Anyhoo, Miss Bleckner has excellent taste–not to mention access to any number of nice gay decorators–and although the listing is no longer available online, we can assure the children that if it were you'd see a well put together weekend hideaway in the Hamptons perfect for hunkering down from the humidity and entertaining all the other very rich artist types that people the East End.

Recent reports reveal that Mister Bleckner picked up the property for just $800,000 back in May of 1993. The prime piece of property was purchased from the Nature Conservancy who was bequeathed the property when Mister Capote's long time man friend Jack Dunphy died in 1992. The property was left to Mister Dunphy when the sassy and wickedly smart Mister Capote passed on to the big Black and White Ball in the sky in 1984.

The property includes a flat roofed main house with floor to ceiling windows that provide long vistas towards the roiling Atlantic Ocean, a two-bedroom guest house at the front of the property built for Mister Dunphy, a detached garage and a 1,900 square foot artist's studio where we imagine Mister Bleckner pushes his paint around. In addition to what the listing calls "stunning gardens," there is a swimming pool which we have no doubt has been the scene of all kinds of nudity over the years.

It's hard to believe that the long time figure on the Hamptons well heeled social circuit would flee the Hamptons all together, but as of today we have no word on whether Mister Bleckner is going to take his money and run or if he's planning on taking his $14,000,000 profit and buying himself new summer digs.

Madison Hildebrand Moves On

SELLER: Madison Hildebrand
LOCATION: Dume Drive, Malibu, CA
PRICE: $1,270,000
SIZE: 1,687 square feet, 2 bedrooms, 2.5 bedrooms
DESCRIPTION: Supreme location with beach key(s) to Malibu Riviera III and walking distance to newly remodeled shopping plaza. This beautifully done 2 BR, 2.5 BA, plus office boasts privacy (end unit), high ceilings, wood floors and Spanish tile, outdoor areas w/private spa and low HOA dues (only $150/MO).

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Thanks to our eagle eyed and big mouthed pal Malibu Maybelle, Your Mama has learned that real estate young gun Madison Hildebrand has put his Point Dume townhouse on the market with an asking price of $1,270,000.

Surely all the children recognize Young Mister Hildebrand's name, right? Along with selling heaps of high-priced properties all up and down the Pacific Coast Highway, he recently appeared in his scanty skivvies on the cover of Playgirl–and even less inside–and appeared the Bravo's most recent season of Million Dollar Listing. In case you don't recall, Mister Hildebrand was the less bitchy broker who was confused about whether he wanted to date boys or girls. Amid all those house tours, photo shoots and sexuality struggling, the toothy real estate powerhouse has somehow found the time to also write a self-help book called Activate Your Passion, Create Your Career No Matter Who You Are.

Good grief. This boy makes Your Mama feel like the laziest person on the damn planet.

Anyhoo, say what you will about Mister Hildebrand's self-described polyamorousness (and we're sure you will), but keep in mind that property records show the twenty something year old real estate wunderkind purchased his first townhouse home in December of 2005 for $980,000, a stunning financial achievement that few folks under 25 can claim.

Property records and listing information indicate the two story townhouse measures 1,687 square feet and includes 2 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms plus an office. The end unit has an upside down layout with bedrooms on the ground floor and living spaces on the second and is conveniently located just off the PCH. But perhaps best of all, the townhouse includes a coveted key to the private Riviera III beach where we imagine Mister Hildebrand frequently strutted his shirtless stuff and worked on his soft bronze tan.

The townhouse is built around a small, private and hanky panky friendly courtyard that includes lots of potted vegetation and an in ground spa perfect for Mister Hildebrand to strip down and entertain the ladees. Or the gentleman. Or both. Whatever.

Other amenities include a two car garage where Mister Hildebrand parks his late model Range Rover (and a big-ass BMW), both wood and Spanish tile floors, and loads of blue and yellow tile work throughout the unit. The good sized living room features high beamed ceilings, a large Spanish chandelier which we like, and way more brown leather furniture than should ever be permitted in one house. The dining area, where a flat screen tee-vee has been haphazardly and unfortunately mounted to the wall next to some crazy image of a zebra, is open to and adjacent to the ass-uglee kitchen with its upsetting light fixture and leads to a small but cozy terrace where Mister Hildebrand barbecues amid a score Moroccan lanterns hanging from the trellis.

Malibu Maybelle swears that she does not know why Mister Hildebrand is selling or where he's moving, but we can all be assured that with his bulging bank account he'll be packing all his Afro-ethnic meets Andalusia day-core and moving it to someplace larger and more expensive. Bully for him.

Meanwhile, in other Million Dollar Listing news, scruffy faced Josh Flagg–the one who was taken to the pokey for allegedly stealing paintings and was later cleared of the charges–has recently scooped upt the listing for Eddie Murphy's ex-wife Nicole's Calabasas crib. Last October, when Your Mama discussed the 9,214 square foot house, it was priced at $9,995,000. The house appears to have been re-staged and had a machete taken to the asking price which is currently at $8,495,000. Nothing like a 1.5+ million dollar price cut to drum up bizness.

We also hear that Chad Rogers, the one with the upsetting bowl haircut, has seen the light and gotten himself a slightly less girlish haircut.

Faith Hill and Tim McGraw List Beverly Park Mansion

SELLERS: Faith Hill and Tim McGraw
LOCATION: Beverly Park, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $14,800,000
SIZE: 10,500 square feet (approx.), 6 bedrooms, 7.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Mediterranean estate w/ grand views & privacy in prestigious Beverly Park South. Situated on over 4 acres the estate offers sweeping panoramic views. Grand two story entry features limestone floors, large skylight & wrap around staircase. This home is highlighted by a spacious and elegant master suite w/ his & her baths connecting to a state of the art gym. Gourmet kitchen w/ stainless steel appliances, large open formal dining room w/ step down living room. Manicured gardens w/ luxurious pool.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Not too long ago Your Mama told the children about a stinking rich bizness man named Ronald Tutor who forked over a staggering $37,600,000 to purchase a not yet completed behemoth in Beverly Park, the mother ship of all the guard gated, mega-mansion communities in Los Angeles. While we were discussing the big buy, we floated a tidbit (see No. 4) about a rumor we'd been hearing about another celebrity owned Beverly Park mansion coming on to the market.

Well children, thanks to a covert communique from Our Fairy Godmother in Beverly Hills last night, we've now confirmed that country singing super stars Faith Hill and Tim McGraw have listed their Beverly Park South house with an asking price of $14,800,000.

Property records, recent reports and our pal Penny Pricegiver reveal that the Grammy winning couple purchased the 4.85-acre estate in August of 2003 for $6,200,000. Records also show that the seller was Sasha Stallone, the first of Sylvester's three wives. The children will recall that Mister Stallone also lives in a mammoth mansion in Beverly Park.

Listing information indicates the McGraw's Mediterranean style mansion measures in at a relatively modest for Beverly Park 10,500 square feet and includes half a dozen bedrooms and 7.5 bathrooms. Presumably this is the house that was burgled last year, a disturbing situation that rattled residents because like all the mega-mansions in Beverly Park, the house has state of the art security and sits behind gates in a guard gated community.

Anyhoo, it's clear to anyone with eyeballs that that the country crooning couple hired a nice gay decorator to do up and do over their big ol' house in a dramatic style. The double height entry features limestone floors (covered by a crazy shaped custom sisal rug), a couple of grandma's old wing back chairs and a center table with two items Your Mama loathes: a balloon skirt and a cloying statue of an angel. Call us cynical and call us callous, but there's just something so lonely feeling about wanting to have angel statues hanging around the house.

In the all beige dining room we have more statuary of the sort that would likely scare the skin right off Your Mama if we were to pass through in the middle of the night on our way to the kitchen for a candy snack. Our boozy and woozy eyeballs would see those figures looming in the corners with the moonlight behind them and fearfully wonder if our Beverly Park goose was cooked.

The family room area has been did up and done over in several shades of beige with taupe accents. Although generally speaking we're not a big fan of the all-beige day-core, we have to admit the family room, graced by a coffered ceiling and one of the mansion's four fireplaces, looks like an comfortable place to lay around and watch the boob-toob.

Although the kitchen is a bit country for our personal taste, we think it's very nicely done. We're particularly appreciative of the dark floors, the big mama Viking range and the restraint shown on the raised panel cabinetry. The Shabby Chic breakfast room is another story with it's Peptol Bismol pink paint treatment. We do think it's terrific that the McGraws have framed and prominently displayed their children's artwork in here, a dee-voon decorating scheme that all the children with children can re-create in their own homes.

Since we got nuthin' good to say about that blood red room except that those 1930s red velvet chairs are fa-boo and we'd bet our long bodied bitches cost as much as a Mercedes, we're just going to move on up to the master bedroom. Listing information states that the master suite includes his and her bathrooms that connect to a home gym set up. This sounds good until you have a long hard look-see at the "man's" bathroom. Not only does the "man's" bathroom include a lot of nearly impossible to keep spot free black tile and a gigantic black bathtub, it is also wide open to the home gym set up. This means, of course, that should you want to bring your trainer or yoga guru up into the gym to work your muscles or twist your body like a pretzel, he or she will actually be right up in your private pooper, a situation that we could not tolerate and we imagine the trainer and yoga guru would not appreciate.

Although the property spans more than four acres, much of it is hillside so the usable pad is much smaller than one might imagine. There is a large double gated motor court in the front and several tiled patios in the rear including a covered dining terrace, a built-in barbecue center for cooking up hot dogs, and an unfortunately shaped swimming pool and spa all of which overlooks the glittering lights of the less fortunate below. The property does not include a tennis court, something that may not be an issue with some fifteen million dollar buyers, but if Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter were in the market for a fifteen million dollar mansion–and we are not–we would require a tennis court where Tommy the tennis pro could work on our strokes in the privacy of our own home.

It is our understanding that Mister and Misss McGraw also own a 6,072 square foot nest on Chickering Lane in Nashville where they've been camping out while building a new crib on the nearby 17 acre parcel property records indicate they purchased in August of 2004 for $3,000,000.

Given that it's rumored by a couple of Your Mama's better connected sources and reported all over the British tabs that allegedly clean and sober British pop stud Robbie Williams is in the process of paying close to twenty million clams for a Beverly Park estate just a few doors down, the McGraw mansion sorta looks like a bargain at $14,800,000, don't it?

Top Photo: Pacific Coast News

Stephen Dorff Unloading in Chelsea

SELLER: Stephen Dorff
LOCATION: West 19th Street, New York, NY
PRICE: $3,000,000 (maintenance and monthlies / $1,551)
SIZE: 1,200 square feet (approx.), 1 bedroom, 2 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: ...Move right into this triple mint Chelsea duplex Penthouse with 800 square foot roof terrace. No detail was overlooked in this meticulous renovation...Upon entering the apartment, you are greeted with over sized windows, 14 foot ceilings, and abundant south light and city views...The master suite features abundant closets outfitted with systems, full bath with spa shower, and electronic shades. The pass thru kitchen features custom cabinetry with breakfast bar and stainless steel appliances including a Miele washer/dryer...

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Late last night Your Mama was perusing all the candylicious listings in New York City and a sexxxy doo-plex penthouse in our old Manhattan 'hood caught our bleary and blood shot eyeballs. So, as we are often inclined to do, we peeped into the property records and discovered that the apartment is owned by one other than hard-bodied American ack-tor Stephen Dorff who recently listed his West 19th Street bachelor pad for $3,000,000.

We have to confess that we can't actually name a single movie in which thirty something year old Mister Dorff has strutted his stuff. However, we do recall three bits and pieces about him from our many years of pouring over all the gossip glossies. The first is that Mister Dorff once flashed the entire world his condom clad peen when he appeared totally and completely and stunningly nekkid in some movie we never saw. (There are pictures out there on the interweb if you can to locate them.) The second is that he's well known for working his way through a fair number of big name Hollywood hotties including but not limited to model Milla Jovovich, behemoth boobed Pammy Anderson, and that poor Jennifer Love Hewitt gurl. The third tidbit we can pull up from the dark recesses of our gin soaked mind is that back in the early 1990s Mister Dorff allegedly had some sort of romantic entanglement with REM front man Michael Stipe. Oh the scandal! But listen, it's just an unconfirmed rumor so none of you kids should go repeating it like it's gospel.

Anyhoo, property records (and a New York Times report from the time) reveal that Mister Dorff picked up his approximately 1,200 square foot Chelsea doo-plex in June of 2006 for $1,650,000. Listing information indicates the 1 bedroom and 2 bathroom apartment has had a "meticulous" renovation, which it clearly has. What we don't know is if Mister Dorff is responsible for the overhaul or if it was perhaps another Austin Powers wannabe.

Whatever the case, the day-core has a distinct and naughty voice that whispers, "Take your dress off and lay down on my fur covered couch." Right?

The open plan living space has ebonized wood floors and includes a living room with a double height ceiling , an entire wall of gorgeous shiny wood paneling and a few natural elements like a wood stump and driftwood-ish looking coffee table that keep it from looking too chilly. A dining area is adjacent to the decent sized (for a Manhattan apartment) kitchen and includes a pass through breakfast bar, dark wood cabinetry, and a suite of stainless steel appliances, natch. There appear to be a few appliances that we can't identify like that stainless panel to the left of the sink. Is that a trash compacter? Anyone? The expensive Miele brand washer and dryer are, unfortunately, located in the kitchen.

The bedroom has been carpeted, which we hate but can imagine the neighbors below appreciate when Mister Dorff is, uhm, entertaining. We can get behind the steel grey walls but we've got a serious issue with the all-wrong color of that doo-vay. The master bathroom certainly looks intriguing at first glance, but a closer look reveals a stainless steel terlit which is too prison like for our taste and we're positive the cleaning gurl curses Mister Dorff each time she has to remove all the water spots from that glistening black tile that covers the floor and walls.

Some of the high tech amenities include a Sony AV RMT surround sound system in the living room and bedroom and electronic solar shades for all those too lazy to pull their own curtains closed.

Up the spiral staircase (which scare the bejeezis out of our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly) an 800 square foot terrace is what makes this penthouse better than the average over-sexified New York apartment. We might prefer a bit more shade where we could sip gin and tonics and flip through the tabs out of the scorch of the sunshine, but otherwise we are in l.o.v.e with this roof terrace. What's not to like about all that dee-voon decking, the wet bar with a fridge for keeping the cocktail ingredients cool, a storage closet for stashing the chaise lounges in the winter time and we're just mad for the outdoor shower. How many people get to shower under the night sky in New York? Not many.

Iffin any interested parties are not ready to commit the finances for a three million dollar one bedroom apartment, we understand that Mister Dorff would also be willing to lease the place for $15,000 a month.

Mister Dorff may be the most famous resident of this West 19th Street building, but he's not the only well known resident. Property records show that in April of 2008 prolific and egotastic designer Karim Rashid plunked down $2,475,000 to purchase a 1,771 square foot unit a few floors down from Mister Dorff's doo-plex.

On the west coast, property records show that Mister Dorff owns a 2,298 square foot ocean front house in Malee-boo that he scooped up for $2,546,000 back in December of 2001 and it would appear that he also owns a 4,894 square foot house in a horsey north western suburb of Los Angles called Bell Canyon.

UPDATE: Valery Kogan

Last April Your Mama discussed a little known Russian billionaire named Valery Kogan and his wifey Olga who pissed off their nabob neighbors in notoriously staid Greenwich, CT when they submitted plans to demolish the 19,096 square foot house (or 19,250 depending on the source) they purchased in 2005 for $18,500,000 (shown above) and replace it with a 27,000+ square foot hotel sized mega-mansion that was reportedly to include Turkish and Finnish bathing facilities, a dog grooming salon, a home gymnasium with locker room facilities, a theater, wine cellar, staff quarters (natch), underground garages, 8 bedrooms and a bewildering 26 terlits.

Their original request was, not unexpectedly, dee-nied.

But the intrepid Russian billionaires did not give up their dream of a ridiculously large residence in the good ol' U.S. of A. and according to the Greenwich Time newspaper (via City File) the couple recently resubmitted plans and requests for a slightly less Brobdingnagian crib.

The new and allegedly improved plans call for a still mammoth mansion measuring 21,127 square feet with 15 terlits. No date has been set for the planning and zoning commission to review the new and slightly more modest plans, but if Your Mama was the betting type, and we are not, we'd wager our long boded bitches Linda and Beverly that these Kogan people are going to have to do a bit more shrinking and reducing before they're going to get their approvals.

Let's Cross-Examine Chris Darden's Casa

SELLER: Chris Darden
LOCATION: Allandale Drive, Tarzana, CA
PRICE: $2,199,000
SIZE: 5,501 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: ...Slate stone pathways and finely manicured gardens lead to the dramatic double door entry of this magnificent Mediterranean residence. Flowing stone floors, cathedral ceilings and grand columns accent this designer showplace. The palatial living room enjoys a finely crafted fireplace and custom built-in wall units. The banquet style formal dining room is perfect for entertaining and has been designed with antique Mosaic tiels. The state-of-the-art granite kitchen includes fine quality appliances and a spacious dining area overlooking the pool...

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: In honor of shamed and scandalized former professional football player O.J. Simpson being back in the news (and back in jail), Your Mama thought we'd head out to the foothills of Tarzana, CA where thanks to our tipster Babbling Babette we've learned that formerly famous attorney Chris Darden has recently listed his house for sale with an asking price of $2,199,000. The children will all recall that Mister Darden was one of the prosecuting attorneys who valiantly and unsuccessfully attempted to prove Mister Simpson sliced and diced his ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson and her man friend Ron Goldman back in 1994. Mister Darden has gone on to start his own firm specializing in criminal defense and civil litigation.

Property records show that Mister Darden and his lovely wifey Marcia purchased their 5,501 square foot Tarzana tract house in the expensive but cookie cutter gated community of Mulholland Park Estates in July of 2004 for $2,100,000.

Listing information indicates the "Mediterranean" mini-manse includes 4 bedrooms and 5 bathrooms. Each of the three upstairs bedrooms include private poopers, a scenario Your Mama always appreciates, and the master includes a dual fireplace shared with the sitting room/studio and the rather banal looking all-beige boo-dwar, a viewing balcony, custom walk-in closet, and "showcase marble bathroom" that Your Mama is certain would have us in deep need of a maximum strength nerve pill.

Downstairs guests are entertained in the tile floored living room with its sky high ceilings, fireplace and grand piano. The large but unfortunately columned and tile floored dining room that features a "chandelier" that is simply far to paltry and puny for the room. The eat in kitchen looks exactly like the eat in kitchen of millions upon millions of upscale tract homes across America with its uninspired raised panel cabinetry, black appliances, beige tile floor and the sort of beige flecked granite counter top that is de rigueur in high end tract homes and that Your Mama would like to see outlawed.

Other rooms include a family room with a fireplace and custom cabinetry for the old school big screen boob-toob and a first floor library with a private pooper which listing information indicates can be used as a fourth bedroom. A first floor bedroom is certainly appreciated by visiting grandparents and those like Your Mama who prefer not to have to tramp down a flight of stairs in the middle of the night in need of a candy snack. Somewhere, according to listing information and presumably tucked behind the kitchen and the three car garage, is a "maids unit," a location certainly keeps the housegurl knowin' her place in the household.

Outdoor amenities include a simple rectangular pool and attached spa, several patios covered by a trellis which is nice for getting out of the blistering Tarzana sunshine, a built-in barbecue center, a grassy lawn where the pooches can piddle and poop, and a sports court for all the sporty types who are foolish enough to exercise in the stifling and dangerous heat of the San Fernando Valley.

The children may recall that earlier this year action film ack-tor Chris Tucker was recently trying to unload his one of the two Mulholland Park Estates homes that property records reveal he owns. When Your Mama discussed the 6,549 square foot house in April of 2008 it was on the market for $3,800,000 and it appears to still be on the market with the same asking price.

Is this...

an advert on Craig's List for the Hidden Hills house Denise Richards has been unsuccessfully trying to sell for the last few months?

Or is if some other celeb owned hideaway? Could it be Pammy Anderson's crib? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

Whatever the case, it's the first time we've ever seen a celebrity owned property listed on the online clearing house and hook up site. And we kinda hope the last because it just seems weird.

Robbie Williams (allegedly) Scoops Up Beverly Park Palace

BUYER: Robbie Williams (allegedly)
Location: Beverly Park, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $23,995,000 (list)
SIZE: 13,638 square feet, 7 bedrooms, 7 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Magnificent estate in guard-gated Beverly Pk w/ TC & views. Gated & private. Spectacular main house, 2-story 3 br GH, separate staff quarters, expansive lawns, gorgeous landscaping, terraces, fountains, pl & spa. Timeless elegance & extraordinary charm. Main house w/ grand entry, marvelous living rm w/ sunken bar, library, FDR w/ butler's pantry, family rm w/ attached bth & sauna, master w/ dual baths & huge custom walk-in closets, & 2 add'l bdrm suites.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Several weeks ago we chit chatted with a gossipy gal we'll call Babbling Babette who whispered in Your Mama's big ear that hard living British pop star Robbie Williams was in the process of buying a behemoth new house in Beverly Hills' fancy-schmancy guard gated community of Beverly Park.

At the time of the tip we were unable to confirm the purchase and to be honest, we are still unable to confirm the purchase. However, since it is now being reported far and wide we thought we'd jump on the real estate gossip bandwagon.

The property is question sits on almost two acres overlooking Los Angeles in the older (and some say better) section of Beverly Park. According to the records we kept, the house was first listed at just under twenty million smackers and was later raised to $23,995,000. Although we can't confirm it, Babbling Babette swears that Mister Williams paid just under twenty million big ones for the palatial but aesthetically outdated property.

What we do know is that according to prop records (and multiple reports) the sellers are Italian film siren Luciana Paluzzi and her media mogul/theme park executive huzband Michael Solomon. Property records and listing information reveals the sorta-Spanish style estate was built in 1988 and measures in at a whopping 13,638 square feet.

Listing information indicates there are a lucky sounding 7 bedrooms and 7 bathrooms including a 2-story guest house with three bedrooms as well as separate staff quarters. Listing information also states that in addition to the master bedroom with its tragically tiled dual bathrooms and custom closets there are two additional bedroom suites. We take this to mean that the main house features three of the seven bedrooms, the guest house three more and the staff quarters the seventh. However we can't confirm that bedroom break down so don't any of you people go reporting that like it's the gospel.

Other amenities include a tinkling fountain the entrance hall that gives it a hotel vibe, a large tile-floored living room with a sunken bar, a red library with an obscenely over sized Palladian window and parquet floors. The colossal kitchen features more tile floors and more of the dizzying tile work featured in the master bathroom. It's really not worth discussing the rather unappealing and uninspired day-core other than to say that Mister and Missus Solomon would have been wise to spend some of their considerable fortune hiring a nice gay decorator to assist them in their furniture and finish choices.

The grounds include a double gated circular drive, garaging for three cars, private tiled courtyards, tiled terraces, a properly aligned tennis court with some beauteous bougainvillea bushes, a swoopingly shaped swimming pool, an in ground spa and even more of that multi-colored tile that seems to be an unfortunate design mo-teef for the entire estate. There are long views over Franklin Canyon and toward downtown Los Angeles.

We have to assume (and hope) that Mister Williams will be embarking on an extensive and expensive renovation that will make this house more suitable for a thirty-four year old pop star and his 29 year ladee friend Ayda Field.

Everyone knows by know that Beverly Park is home to all manner of famous folks and bizness barons like Sylvester Stallone, Denzel Washington, Sumner Redstone, Eddie Murphy, and billionaires Haim Saban and Steve Udvar-Hazy, just to name a few.

According to prop records and our wickedly well informed source Lucy Spillerguts, Mister Williams, who moved to Los Angeles in 2002, currently shacks up down the street from Paris Hilton in the guard gated community of Mulholland Estates. He also owns a couple of properties on Mulholland Drive where he famously installed a private soccer pitch. British tabloid The Sun reports that he "also owns flats in Chelsea, West London." We'll just have to take their word on that.

Karl Lagerfeld Goes Kountry

According to fashion bible Women's Wear Daily, Chanel's Paris-based head honcho Karl Lagerfeld just scooped up a six bedroom house in Vermont...sight unseen.

Vermont? Whaaat? Who knew Miss Lagerfeld had a thing for milk and maple syrup.

The 1840s landmark building is said to be on an island in Lake Champlain where there are legends and rumors of a Loch Ness monster type of creature called Champ. The wildly eccentric, wickedly smart and fa-bew-lus stitch bitch is quoted from backstage at a recent Chanel fashion show as saying, "I love it. It's very much Emily Dickenson" and that he's planning on shooting some of the upcoming Chanel campaigns on the property.

Sorry puppies, but Your Mama ain't privy to any other deets.

Your Mama Hears...

...From our increasingly talkative tipster Nelly Knowsitall that even though JenniFleck (or whatever it is that all the gossip glossies call Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner) are having a tough time selecting a decadent new house to buy, they have very quietly put their current crib in Brentwood on the market for just over eight million clammers.

Little Miss Knowsitall whispered to Your Mama that the unable to pull the real estate trigger couple have backed out of at least four (and maybe five) high priced purchases. None the less, rumor in the real estate street says a lack of a new address hasn't stopped the undecided duo from allowing some of Los Angeles' better connected property purveyors to book appointments show their home on N. Tigertail Road.

Just some rumor and gossip to yik-yak about during your morning koffee-klatch.

Another Price Chop at the Chupi

Listen children, y'all should high tail it over to Braden Keil's Gimme Shelter column in the NY Post because he's got all sorts of updates and juicy tidbits including the latest 411 on the most recent price chop at artist/filmmaker Julian Schnabel's self-designed West Village finger flipping architectural fantasy known as the Palazzo Chupi.

Surely everyone recalls when all the real estate gossips went wild chit chatting about Mister Schnabel's strangely articulated, unusually fenestrated and pinky-red condo building on West 11th Street. Early reports declared that Mister Schnabel was going to market 4 of the 5 multi-million dollar units on his own. (The pajama clad one reportedly occupies the fifth himself). He did manage to get some filthy rich financier to buy one unit and dee-lishusly grey haired actor Richard Gere scooped up one of the units for $12,000,000 but quickly flipped it back on the market where it remains available for $17,995,000.

When the remaining units weren't scooped up lickety split by his big name and big bucks buddies, he brought in the real estate agents who first listed the 3,700 square foot triplex penthouse in February of 2008 with a blistering $27,000,000 asking price. There were no takers. In April the price was raised, yes, raised to and even more scorching $32,000,000. Again no takers. Then in July, the asking price of three bedroom and 3.5 bathroom aerie was hacked to $29,500,000. But alas, no buyers stepped up to the table. The asking price for the four terrace and three balcony building topper has now been sliced and diced to a still considerably expensive $24,000,000, representing an eye-popping and most unusual $5,500,000 markdown.

Is this a sign of the economic times or was this pricey penthouse over priced to begin with? You decide.

Billy Blanks Lists Hidden Hills House

SELLER: Billy Blanks
LOCATION: Walker Road, Hidden Hills, CA
PRICE: $11,500,000
SIZE: 16,478 square feet, 7 bedrooms, 12 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: ...Spectacular, one of a kind custom, over 16,000 sq. ft. of the finest quality. Includes an indoor basketball court, stellar home theater, game room, study, piano room, spectacular master with retreat, luxurious bath, and view balcony with private staircase to pool, spa and grotto below. Large cabana with outdoor kitchen, adjoining waterfalls and lush private landscaping. Big, nearly 2-acre lot, offers room for horses below the main pad...

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: According to multiple reports, Tae-bo titan and sometime ack-tor Billy Blanks is headed for the court of dee-vorce with his soon to be ex-wifey of 30-some years. As is so often the case when marrieds go splitsville, the fantastically fit couple's huge Hidden Hills house has put on the market with an asking price of $11,500,000.

Property records indicate that Mister and Missus Blanks spent $1,400,254 to purchase an almost two acre lot on Walker Road in the guard gated Hidden Hills community in July of 1999. The once happily married couple then spent boo-coo Tae-bo bucks building their 16,478 square foot dream house which records show was completed sometime in 2001.

Listing information for the sprawling quasi-Mediterranean style mansion shows that there are seven bedrooms and a dozen bathrooms. Twelve! While we always appreciate when each bedroom has a private pooper, we imagine this off kilter bed to bath ratio annoys the crap out of the cleaning crew responsible for keeping all 12 of them terlits sparkling clean.

In addition to the impress the guests style entrance hall that looks a little like a cruise ship lobby and certainly succeeds in hammering home the point that Mister and Missus Blanks have a lot more money than most people, there is a voluminous double height formal living room and a formal dining room that seats at least 12 and features more of that swagged Scarlett O'Hara style drapery which seems to be so popular with rich people. The colossal kitchen includes two large work islands, coffered ceilings, all kinds of carved cabinetry and a dee-voon double-wide Viking range, which is probably the only thing we actually like in there.

The master bedroom features a large sleeping chamber with a shallow barrel vaulted ceiling, a fireplace, a mess of custom cabinetry, a private balcony perfect for a post-coital puff, and a vaguely Roman style bathroom bathed in beige marble, beige tile, beige balloon curtains and beige paint. Although it's far from the most significant issue we have with the day-core, we simply can't move past those gigantic flower arrangements that look to Your Mama like the sorts of things you might see in a damn funeral home. How much do the children want to bet all those behemoth boo-kays are dust collecting silk situations?

Other rooms and amenities include a study, a piano room, a game room where someone has fearlessly laid down burgundy colored carpet–which could be great if you're a sloppy red wine drinker, but other wise not so much, an impressive looking (but not to our personal taste) home thee-ayter with stadium style seating, and an indoor basketball court for the five or six days a year it rains in Hidden Hills. Could this be where Mister Blanks held the family's Tae-bo torture sessions?

The grounds strive to be resort-like and feature a big barbecue center with not one, but two fancy barbecues, a lagoon style swimming pool, spa and, natch, a grotto because if you're going all the way, you might as well go right over the top. Beyond the landscaped backyard is a sloping section of the lot where listing information indicates the homeowner could house some horses, a not uncommon feature in equine friendly Hidden Hills.

Listing information also reveals that there is garaging for six automobiles, a two bedroom guest suite with a private entrance, stone floors, volume ceilings and custom window treatments. But please children, do not even get Your Mama started on the custom window treatments.

Listen puppies, people are free to live however they want and in whatever manner their pocketbooks will afford. And we're sure this humongous house will appeal to any number of big bizness types, filthy rich families and high-powered horse lovers. But here's the problem that Your Mama has with these over-sized, over-amenitied and over-processed mcmansions: They look to us like they are trying way too hard to be elegant and classy and instead of actually looking classy and elegant, they look just the opposite. They may be located in a preferred zip code, have lots of elaborate moldings, hand-forged ironwork, extensive tile work and expensive electronic bells and whistles, but somehow, they still come off looking, well, cheap. Sorry to all the deep pocketed peeps who like these custom built mcmansions, but that's our humble and utterly meaningless opinion.

The horsey Hidden Hills community which lies in the northwestern suburbs of Los Angeles is home to all sorts of rich and famous types including (but not limited to) Denise Richards who is still trying to unload her 5,651 square foot house, lesbian power mommies Melissa Etheridge and Tammy Lynn Michaels, Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne, Beau Bridges, Lisa Marie Presley, Bruce Jenner and all those krazy Kardashian gurls, and Nicolette Sheridan who recently forked over $4,320,000 to purchase Miz Etheridge's previous home. Mister Big Time recently reported that big and tall Emmy winning actor Brad Garrett finally sold his 10,223 square foot sprawler that was last listed at $8,350,000 (reduced from $9,495,000)

Your Mama Hears...

...From a talkative tipster we'll call Nelly Knowsitall that self described spoiled brat Cameron Diaz is shack shopping in the Beverly Hills. The very well connected Nelly swore us to secrecy on the deets, but did whisper in our big ear that the extremely well paid leading ladee has been out touring fully kitted contemporary cribs with asking prices in excess of ten million clams.

It is our understanding from folks who know about these things that the Hollywood hottie dating Miss Diaz currently lives in a modestly sized house–prop records indicate it has just 2 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms–just up the road from the swellagant celebrity hangout and hideaway Chateau Marmont.

Tom Glavine Pitches His Manse on to the Market

SELLER: Tom and Christine Glavine
LOCATION: Old Southwick Pass, Alpharetta, GA
PRICE: $3,750,000
SIZE: 14,550 square feet, 7 bedrooms, 9 full and 2 half bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Beautiful & immaculate brick estate on 1.95 acres w/ complete privacy. Distinguished appointments & details. Elegance begins as you walk in this incredible home. Elegant master suite. Kitchen perfection. Large rooms. Finished terr level w/ wet bar, wine cellar, billiard, exercise rm, putting green.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: In honor of the Bravo's season premiere of The Housewives of Atlanta, Your Mama wants to mosey on down to Hotlanta where tipster Georgia Peach tells us the mammoth mansion owned by professional ball tosser Tom Glavine and his wifey Christine was recently listed for $3,750,000.

But before we get to the real estate, did the children tune in to the Housewives of Atlanta after that pitiful excuse for a presidential debate last night? We did. Oh lawhd children, both Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter watched this tee-vee trainwreck with our mouths hanging wide open and utterly transfixed while those five deeply narcissistic bee-hawtchas down in Atlanta pranced around in their designer clothes des-per-uht to out fabulous each other. Those are five of the most catty, oppressively shallow and unlikable ladees that have ever been blasted into our living room through the boob-toob and we can hardly wait to watch them embarrass themselves on national television every week.

Anyhoo, let's get back to the real estate. It's well known among fame gamers that Atlanta, GA is home to all manner of celebrities, music moguls, sports figures and big bizness barons. One of the big name residents is Atlanta Braves veteran southpaw pitcher Tom Glavine. Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter don't participate in or watch the more "manly" sports so when we first got word of Mister Glavine listing his huge house in suburban Atlanta we had no idea who he is. Like we always do when confronted with real estate owned by sports stars, we called our ball obsessed pal Fiona Trambeau who told us she was far to bizzy to speak to us today. So we took to the internets where we learned that in his 20+ year career Mister Glavine twice earned the Cy Young Award (whatever that is), was selected for 10 All-Star teams and in 1995 pitched his way to a World Series win. All impressive stuff.

Property records show that way back in February of 1992 Mister Glavine forked over $146,700 to purchase a large lot on Old Southwick Pass in a gated community called the Country Club of the South. The pricey and prestigious golf course community is actually located in Alpharetta, a fancy schmancy suburb just north of Atlanta.

Given that the lot now sports a giant house, we can only assume that Mister Glavine then proceeded to spend big bucks building his Neoclassical Barbie Dream House that records show measures in at a whopping 14,550 square feet and includes 7 bedrooms, and 11 terlits spread across 9 full bathrooms and 2 half bathrooms.

After crossing the covered porch with its towering columns, guests are greeted in and meant to be impressed by the double height entrance hall with twin curving staircases and a great big glimmering chandelier. The double height living room includes a carved marble mantel, built in book shelves and a wall of paned windows flanked by some of the ugliest swagged curtains Your Mama has ever seen.

The dining room has complicated moldings, another large crystal chandelier and swagged curtains even more ass uglee than those in the living room. Jeezis, Mary and Jehosephat, what possesses people to put these crazy curtain treatments up in their homes? Is the idea that if their fortunes evaporate– as they may be doing as the Dow drops and financial markets continue to implode–the ladee of the house can have her housegurl sew up the velvet and tassels into a dee-luxe drapery dress like Miss O'Hara did in Gone With the Wind?

The large kitchen features multi-colored cabinetry, black granite counter tops, an very disturbing faux finish paint treatment, a gigantic breakfast bar with some deeply unattractive chairs, a large breakfast nook surrounded by arched windows and columns, and perhaps most upsetting to Your Mama, a pot rack. Maybe the Missus Glavine felt a pot rack would make the kitchen feel homey, warm and cozy. We think it makes the kitchen look messy, industrial and potentiall hazardous to the cook's cranium.

Listing information indicates that the terrace level, which we think is a walk out basement situation, includes a large black granite wet bar, a wine cellar, a billiard area, exercise room and a putting green. A putting green? Indoors? Pleeze. The master bedroom has a very high tray ceiling, another got-damn crystal chandelier, dual closets, another distressing drapery treatment and what we imagine to be a very large and lavish bathroom complete with double vanities, a truckload of brass hardware and even more swagged curtains.

According to listing information we received from Georgia Peach, other rooms and amenities of the brick built Glavine mansion include a library/office, media room, family room, recreation room, separate den, a second kitchen, 5 fireplaces, a rear staircase (for the hired help, natch) and a three car garage. The grounds include a large circular driveway and a private backyard with a heated swimming pool, an expensive looking children's jungle gym, and a dining deck overlooking the surrounding woods.

In 2003, after many years playing for the Atlanta Braves, Mister Glavine moved north where he was paid boo-coo bucks to pitch for the New York Mets. There are many reports that indicate the couple also maintained a home in Greenwich, CT where Mister Glavine crashed during the baseball season. However, we did not find any record of the property, but we did find a report in the NY Daily News from 2007 that revealed that he listed the property for $5,400,000. In 2007, Mister Glavine left the Mets, returned to the nest of his Atlanta based family and signed a one year contract worth a reported $8,000,000 to toss balls, again, for the Atlanta Braves

Since Your Mama does not know Mister or Missus Glavine personally, we can't say exactly why they have chosen to sell their gigantic house in Alpharetta. However, property records do show that in 2001 they paid $620,000 for a vacant lot on Hurlston Road, a small cul-de-sac also located in the Country Club of the South community. It appears to Your Mama that the lot overlooks the Chatahootchie River and now has a newly built mansion that includes, surprise! a baseball diamond in the back yard.

The Country Club of the South community is home to many of Atlanta's rich and famous folks. The children may recall that this is the very same exclusive community where back in the saddle singer Whitney Houston and her ex-con ex-huzband Bobby Brown used to live before she wised up and kicked his sorry boo-tay to the curb. Other property owners include R&B superstar Usher who has been trying to sell an 8,022 square foot house on Merriweather Woods for more than a year, and prop records also reveal that really rich redneck jokemeister Jeff Foxworthy owns a 7,187 square foot manse on High Bridge Chase. And these are just the big name people Your Mama knows about. We are quite sure there are several other sports figures and music moguls living up in this swank 'hood of boo-teek hotel sized homes.

Mark Walhberg Lists Not Very Funky Bev Hills Mansion

SELLER: Mark Wahlberg
LOCATION: Oak Pass Road, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $15,900,000
SIZE: 8,932 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 10.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Celebrity enclave of Oak Pass. Stunning gated Mediterranean with unparalleled privacy, canyon views. New motor court, approx. 15,000 sq. ft. of covered space, including 2 stry guest hse w/ high ceilings, huge gym w/ box ring, huge state of the art theater w/ 35mm & digital proj. Basketball court, pool w/ grotto & water fall, putting grn. Large master wing...

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: We are little late to rodeo on this high-priced property it having already been much discussed by Hot Properties scribe Ann Brenoff at the beleaguered Los Angeles Times and then by the back in the saddle Mister Big Time. But we're weighing in anyway...

Mister Mark Wahlberg first busted out onto the fame stage back in the early 1990s when he would strip down to his tighty-whities and lewdly grab at his tallywacker while fronting for the band Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch. He was naughty, overtly sexual and had the smooth and buff body of a gay porn star. People could not get enough of all that hot nasty. Then came along bisexual fashion icon Calvin Klein who paid the hairless and hard-bodied Marky Mark (Wahlberg) big bucks to strip down to his skivvies and pose for pictures while grabbing at his peen. The Calvin Klein underwear adverts were lurid and vulgar and all the teen gurls, lonely housewives and horny homosexuals went wild with desire.

Wanting to be more than a pretty face, hot body and a big basket, Mister Wahlberg quickly transitioned to acting where he killed it in 1995s The Basketball Diaries. He went on to plum parts in films such as Boogie Nights, The Perfect Storm, I ♥ Huckabees and Martin Scorsese's The Departed, for which he earned himself an Academy Award Nomination and solidified his place in the lexicon of Hollywood hot shots. He's currently the exec. producer of In Treatment and Entourage, the crazy successful boob-toob program which is said to be based loosely on his life in Tinseltown.

Anyhoo, as inneresting as a walk down Mister Wahlberg's y-fronted memory lane may be, let's get back to the real estate which is why we're here in the first place. Property records and recent reports reveal that Mister Wahlberg scooped up his Beverly Hills (Post Office) compound back in November of 2001 for $4,950,000.

The property has just hit the market with an asking price of $15,900,000. Certainly Mister Wahlberg has spent boo-coo bucks customizing his compound. None the less, a few flicks of the beads of our bejewled abacus shows that someone thinks the improvements have resulted in a titanic tripling of value in just seven years.

Listing information indicates the 1.41 acre Oak Pass Road estate has approximately 15,000 square feet under roof. According to prop records, listing information and previous reports, the property includes an 8,932 square foot Mediterranean style main house, a 2-story guest house with high ceilings, and and ass-uglee shed-like structure that measures around 2,500 square feet and houses Mister Wahlberg's home gym set-up and boxing ring. Yes children, a boxing ring. We are of the firm mindset that two grown men punching the daylights out of each other is an asinine sport so Your Mama can't imagine a more stoopid amenity to have at home than a damn boxing ring.

Also on the property, according to listing information and reports, is a basketball court, a putting green, a lagoon style swimming pool with an adjacent cabana, waterfall, waterslide and a spa located in a Playboy style hidden grotto. Given that Mister Wahlberg is reportedly a devout Catholic family man, we doubt this grotto sees any orgy action anymore.

The interior of the main house includes several living areas, a large kitchen with all the stainless steel appliances one might expect in a fifteen million dollar mansion, a media room with both 35mm and digital projection capabilities, and room with a pool table and a wet bar so that should Mister Wahlberg want, he can simulate being a bar fly without having the paps snap his photo of him slurring his words and slumped over a gin and tonic.

There are five bedrooms and an eye popping 10.5 bathrooms. We hope that Mister Wahlberg has a full time terlit gurl to work a brush through all of them poopers because his baby momma certainly has her hands full with the couple's three wee children. The master wing includes a bedroom with a enough seating to host the entire family for Christmas and a large bathroom with a hairstyling station that includes a shampoo bowl and one of those beauty shop chairs that can be raised and lowered by pumping a pedal. If anyone were to ask your Mama, and of course, no one did, we might have suggested putting up a wall between the hairstyling station and the rest of the bathroom. We do not, and we repeat, do not need our hair washer, lock snipper or mani-pedi gurl all up in the most private areas of our inner sanctum. For heaven's sake, this is the room you in which your floss your teeth, wash your privates and evacuate your bowels. Who wants to expose their hairdresser to all that privatude?

We don't normally go after listing agents, but we do have a bone to pick with this one. Would it have killed you too move that damn baby crib thing from the dining room before taking the photo?

As gets noted here and there and everywhere, wickedly windy and not all that well kept Oak Pass Road is littered with rich and famous types. Perhaps its wealthiest resident is billionaire biznessman Kirk Kerkorian who owns a lavish 30+acre estate which he had on the market in late 2006 and early 2007 for $18,000,000. Other big name inhabitants include super star celebrity agent Kevin Huvane and preggers pop star Ashley Simpson and Angelina Jolie's allegedly estranged Oscar winning daddy Jon Voight lives right up next door to Mister Wahlberg in a house prop records show he bought out of foreclosure in December of 1997. But perhaps the most glittering and glammy of the Oak Pass Road residents are actor/producer Aston Kutcher and his cougar queen Demi Moore who reside in a speck-tacular modern manse that was photographed for Architectural Digest in 2007.

Former Packer Brett Favre Lists WIsconsin House

SELLER: Brett Favre
LOCATION: Shady Lane, Ashwaubenon, WI
PRICE: $475,000
SIZE: 3,000 square feet (approx.), 4 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Outstanding spacious ranch home on a beautiful landscaped lot. 4 bedrooms, 3 full baths and 1st floor laundry. Enjoy the formal dining room w/ FP & wet bar. Large 3+ stall garage.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: When we first received word from the Wisconsin Whisperer about some person named Brett Favre listing his house in some place called Ashwaubenon, Wisconsin for $475,000 we asked, "Who?" and, "Where" and, "How in the devil's name does one pronounce that?"

Fortunately Your Mama has unfettered access to the world wide interweb where we learned that Mister Favre is a professional pigskinner who currently quarterbacks for the New York Jets. However, from 1992-2007 he strapped on a helmet and slipped into those practically see through petal pushers that football dudes wear while working for the Green Bay Packers. That explains both why Mister Favre both owns and is selling a house in suburban Green Bay, Wisconsin.

In addition to the covert communications of the Wisconsin Whisperer, we also located a recent article on the website for local boob-toob channel WISN that announced the listing of Mister and Missus Favre's approximately 3,000 square foot house.

Property records show that Mister and Missus Favre purchased their rather ordinary ranch style residence in a development of like-minded homes in August of 2005 for $416,000.

Listing information shows the brick-faced house includes 4 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms and a concrete driveway leading to the generously sized 3+ car garage. Adjacent to the columned entrance hall are a formal living room that looks like it's never been sat in and a pink painted dining room with a wet bar conveniently located for keeping the dinner guests all boozed up.

The decent sized kitchen includes a small prep island, double ovens and four stools for the kiddies. In addition to the beige and burgundy family room, the basement has been finished and converted into a windowless beige and blue television lounge. The master bedroom, with it's beige carpeting, has been all done up and did over in brown and a silvery satin blue color and the master bath has a separate shower and spa tub.

The backyard has a large stretch of green lawn and a small pavered patio tucked up into the corner of the house. There does not appear to be any fencing between the properties, a very un-private situation we've noticed in the mid-west before, but one Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter do not care for. Who wants their neighbors being able to watch as you flip burgers and pick your bathing suit out of your butt? Not us.

Normally we live and breath by our beloved Aunt Jennie's signature statement, "If you don't have anything nice to say, well then, set next to me hunny." And in this case we could certainly blather on about the avocado colored fabric on the faux-Louis' in the formal living room and we could whine until we're hoarse about that acid green faux finish paint treatment in the kitchen. We could also piss and moan about the Home Despot-style brass fixtures in the master bathroom and we could wonder why that silver chest at the foot of the bed appears to be set on a bunch of damn bricks. And we could go a blue streak until next week about how mortified and terrified we are of finished basement spaces. But, we're not going to. Why? Well children, because wouldn't it be just a little too much like kicking a homeless person or beating a dead horse or driving a car right off a cliff? Do you know what we're saying?

Yes, we think you do.

And P.S., No offense to all the Wisconsinites, but we never did figure out how to pronounce Ashwaubenon properly.

A Wee Monday Morning Mish Mash

1.
Your Mama is frequently asked about the current 411 on much maligned, publicly pilloried and indicted on multiple counts real estate agents Joe Babajian and Kyle Grasso. But you know what children? We don't know nuthin'. Well almost nothing anyway.

What we do know is that property records reveal that in March of 2008 ol' Joe-babs sold his personal residence on Carla Ridge in the Trousdale Estates for $6,510,000 and he appears to have finally sold another more modest property he owned on Warner Avenue in the Little Holmby section of Los Angeles that was last on the market for $1,695,000, reduced from its original asking price of $1,995,000.

A recent article in the Los Angeles Times reported that the former Realtors to the rich and famous who, natch, both pleaded not guilty to the salacious charges of fraud and money laundering, continue to await their as yet unscheduled trials.

Some of the swanky real estate agents with whom Your Mama chit chats and gossips think the charges are trumped up and the pair will be exonerated. Other scuttlebutters we whisper with think the once super successful pair are white collar crooks who got caught with their greedy hands in the cookie jar and are headed to the big house.

2.
High Tech titan Halsey Minor has some real estate woes. Or at least that what we hear. Not only is he still trying to unload a broken down modern monstrosity in Bel Air for many millions less than he paid, he's also got folks in the better neighborhoods of San Francisco whispering and reporting.

Not only does Mister Minor own a huge house in Sea Cliff, San Francisco's undisputed celebrity ghetto, he also owns the massive mansion on Washington Street known as Le Petit Trianon that he picked up in July of 2007. According to the swells at SFLuxe, Mister Minor is planning on spending $15,000,000 to renovate the 17,895 square foot behemoth and has hired Santa Monica based dee-ziner Michael S. Smith to work his decorator magic.

One of Your Mama's sources, a Presidio Heights princess whom we'll call Frisco Fannie, tells us that she wishes Mister Minor would get on the stick because the lavish (and somewhat garish) house, "has fallen into disrepair, the yard is overgrown and nobody has lived in it for at least two years... sad."

3.
Did the first showings of the $24,000,000 Goldwyn mansion not go so well? Your Mama hears from Our Fairy Godmother in Beverly Hills that the 6 bedroom and 5 bathroom historical sprawler was taken off the market after only just a few days in order to have "a little work done" on the old gurl. Given that any new owner is likely to dump bazillions on upscale upgrades and high-fallutin' overhauls, it seem a little odd the Mister Goldwyn would feel compelled to fix the place up. But then again, who are we to understand the real estate machinations of really rich Tinseltown titans?

4.
Despite its slightly off putting smack you in the kisser "I'm way richer than you are" opulence, there still seems to be considerable interest by the children in the buying and selling of the lavish and leviathan properties in Beverly Park. Well, on that note...

In addition to the unfinished 27,000 square foot gigantor that was recently scooped up for $36,700,000 by contractor Robert Tutor, as far as Your Mama knows there are 5 other properties currently up for sale in the glitzy guard gated community. There may be more, but five is all we currently know about (in order of descending asking price).

The asking price of the newly built and never lived in faux-chateau at Number 40 was recently ka-rah-tay chopped from forty-five million clams to a still staggering $39,900,000; The property known as the Great 78 located at, you guessed it, Number 78, has been up for grabs with no takers for quite some time and currently carries an asking price of $34,000,000; Next door to wrinkled rock star Rod Stewart's mega-mansion is Indonesian biznessman Han Moeljadi's mammoth manse at Number 27 which has been on the market for-freaking-e-vah with an asking price of $29,000,000 (reduced from its original asking price of $35,000,000); Number 14, a cosmetic fixer last listed at $23,000,000 and owned by media mogul Michael Solomon and his one-time Bond bombshell wifey Luciana Paluzzi, recently went to contract; And super producer Mike Medavoy and his Botox battling wifey Irena are so eager enough to sell their 6 bedroom and 10 terlit Hamptons-style habitat that they recently gave the asking price of their property a two million dollar hair cut from $23,500,000 to $21,500,000.

Back in August of 2007, letter turner Vanna White's ex-huzband George Santo Pietro had speck-built Number 77 on the market with a faint worthy $50,000,000. It was widely whispered, rumored and reported that the diminutive Prince signed a short term lease of the 9 bedroom and 15 bathroom behemoth for an eye popping $200,000 per month. Property records show the property has not transferred ownership recently, but to be honest, we're not sure of the status of this (approx.) 27,000 square foot palace of excess.

And, drum roll please, Your Mama hears (but can not yet confirm) that another Beverly Park estate is quietly on the market, and this one belongs to one of the rich and famous folks who reside in this community of hotel sized houses.

A Big Buy in Beverly Park

BUYER: Ronald Tutor
LOCATION: Beverly Park Circle, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $32,200,000
SIZE: 27,000 square feet (approx.), 9 bedrooms, 18 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: The Private Properties people at the Wall Street Journal recently broke the news of a big buy of a behemoth mansion in Los Angeles' exclusive and insanely expensive Beverly Park community. In case you didn't already know, this guard gated community, where the smallest houses are well over 10,000 square feet, is where mcmansions go to get super sized.

As was reported by the Wall Street Journal, property records show that the not yet completed estate was scooped up by colossally rich contractor Ronald Tutor for a heart stopping $36,700,000. The mega-manse is being designed by Richard Landry, perhaps Beverly Park's most prolific architect. The property had been on the market for whopping $49,000,000, which means the sellers, mobile home mogul Lee Kort and his wifey Jill, accepted a number far less than they had hoped for. Is that a sign of the times children, or does the $12,300,000 discount indicate that the tremendous tab for finishing the property will fall on Mister Tutor? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

According to listing information, the faux-Tuscan style sprawler sits on a 3.55 acre shelf overlooking Franklin Canyon and measures in at a hulking 27,000 square feet. The plans call for 9 bedrooms and a breathtaking 18 terlits. We imagine that least one poor gurl will need to have a terlit brush strapped to her hand all damn day, every day to keep all 18 of those poopers pristine.

Other amenities include heavy gates that open to a long curving driveway that Your Mama happens to know has been lined with mature trees that give the property a dramatic entrance, a movie theater, large gym, and a party room. A party room? For real? Pleeze. Can't the guests congregate and festivate in what we can only imagine is an immense living room?

Also on the property is what listing information calls a "spacious guest house," which means it's probably bigger than your entire house, garage parking for at least 6 automobiles, a 75-foot long swimming pool, a pond and waterfall, a tennis court pavilion/pool house (although there isn't any mention of an actual tennis court), sprawling lawns, and a 110-yard par 3 golf hole which will become an expensive to maintain but useless feature once Mister Tutor masters the damn thing.

Many of the hotel sized houses in Beverly Park are owned by famous folks like Oscar winning actor Denzel Washington, Eddie Murphy (who the Dr. Cooter saw in the grocery store last week looking all shy and smooth faced), Sylvester Stallone, aged rock star Rod Stewart, funny ladee Jami Gertz, six time Emmy nominated actor Paul Reiser (always a bride, never a bridesmaid) and country super stars Faith Hill and Tim McGraw. And that, children, is only a partial list of the famous residents of Beverly Park.

Some of the other lavish living home owners in Beverly Park include billionaire media mogul Haim Saban, billionaire bizness baron Steve Udvar-Házy, porn purveyer Norman Zada and several properties rumored to be owned by the Saudi royal family.

We Gotta Run, But...

Listen children, Your Mama is all sorts of crazy bizzy today so we don't know if we're going to have time to discuss an actual celebrity property at length. We know some of you are gonna get upset and we'll probably get all manner of emails telling us that we are a lazy bitch.

But you know what? We don't care. When you start putting money into our PayPal account so that we can pay the mortgage and the raw food chef we hire for our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly, we'll stop taking days off during the week. But until then, like most of you, Your Mama has to make a living too.

In the meantime, you really should head on over to Braden Keil's most recent Gimme Shelter column in the NY Post. This week he's got great updates about a few folks we've previously discussed such as Natalie Portman and her Richard Meier dee-zined digs in Manhattan and the giant price chop on The Queen of Mean Leona Helmsley's Greenwich, CT estate known as Dunnellen Hall.

He also discusses some of the juicy buyer backlash at the Plaza Hotel. The new paint is barely dry on the old girl, and according to Mister Keil and Streeteasy, there are already 26 apartments for sale in the building ranging from a blistering $1,800,000 for a studio apartment all the way to $55,000,000 for Esprit founder Jurgen Friedrich's fifth floor flip. Tommy Hilfiger, another filthy rich fashion retailer, is also attempting to flip his unfinished penthouse doo-plex for $50,000,000 after purchasing the Central Park view unit in July of 2008 for $25,048,673. (Yes, that's right puppies, he's hoping to double his money.)

We also counted 20 units looking for really rich rental tenants. Anyone interested in a 630 square foot studio with over sized windows and a Juliette balcony for $5,800 a month? How about a furnished 1 bedroom with 1.5 bathrooms for a mere $25,000 per month? Or perhaps you need more space and you'd prefer a 3 bedroom 3.5 bathroom unit with a windowless kitchen and dining room at $38,000 a month?

You know what children? We're not surprised there are problems at The Plaza. Seriously kids, what's with all these magnates, tycoons and big bizness barons who figured it was financially prudent to spend a million or more on a studio apartment and well over three and four million clams for a large one bedroom unit? Pleeze.

It is our humble and entirely meaningless opinion that some of the mega moneyed buyers are simply suffering from a colossal case of buyer's remorse and as a result many owners are now attempting to resell their real estate mistakes and others are suing the El Ad Group (the building's owner and developer) for their own financial foolishness. It looks like some of these high end buyers who swooped in like chauffeur driven vultures to snap up all these extravagantly priced apartments at The Plaza may have got caught with their real estate pants down, and in light of the volatile financial markets and the behemoth bail out brouhaha we seriously doubt many folks feel much (if any) sympathy for these buyers' potentially futile plight to flip their obscenely expensive real estate white elephants...at a profit, natch.

Certainly, most of these people can afford to hold their hideously expensive apartments with no financial difficulties. And many may choose to do so, of course. But as evidenced by the number of units currently for sale, many buyers clearly don't want to hang on to their never lived in apartments. It remains to be seen how desirable all those 8, 10, and 12 million dollar two bedroom apartments will be on the resale market.

Mister Max Abelson over at the NY Observer has been following some the law suit shenanigans going on at The Plaza too. Good stuff.

The Once and Former House That McCain Built

Okay children, we have been getting all sorts of emails, phone calls and communiques from people linking us over to report after report (including one on CNN) that say Republican presidential hopeful John McCain and his heiress wifey Cindy are selling their 15,000 square foot house in Phoenix, Arizona.

They are not.

The 13 bedroom and 14.5 bathroom house that is everyone is all atwitter and agog about is the house where Senator and Mrs. McCain once lived and raised their family, but they have not owned or lived on the property since late 2006.

We don't want to slam CNN (a major news network on which Your Mama has appeared) or the fine political people at Wonkette, but listing information for the property auction and a report in the Phoenix New Times clearly states that it's the former home of John McCain.

Did you hear that children? The FORMER home of Senator John McCain.

Furthermore, property records show that Senator and Mrs. McCain sold the house in December of 2006 for $3,200,000 to a real estate developer named Jane Popple who overhauled the resort like property and is now attempting to flip it at an auction scheduled for October 25, 2008.

So where do the fabulously rich McCains live? As has been widely publicized, they own and occupy half a dozen homes or more, just not this one.

Master House Flipper John Bersci's Bev Hills Beauty

SELLER: John Bersci
LOCATION: Benedict Canyon Drive, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $7,995,000 (reduced from $11,495,000)
SIZE: 7,256 square feet, 7 bedrooms, 7 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: The Harvey Mudd Estate. Designed by Elmer Grey, 1922. A trophy property and Beverly Hills landmark with significant old Hollywood character and historical relevance. Located at the end of a private street and surrounded by major estates. Home features grandly proportioned public rooms, magnificent hand-carved wood paneling, library, breakfast room, conservatory, gym, wine cellar, and more. Situated on one acre of beautifully landscaped gardens, pool, and outdoor areas for major entertaining.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Today we will not be discussing a celebrity owned house children, but rather the Beverly Hills mansion of John Bersci, one of Los Angeles' most successful property flippers who recently put his Benedict Canyon Drive residence on the market with an asking price of $11,495,000.

Listen children, there are house flippers like that Bravo boob-toob reality star Jeff Lewis and then there are house flippers like John Bersci. While these two gentlemen may be in the same bizness of buying, renovating and selling houses at substantial and sometimes shocking profits, they do not, and Your Mama repeats, do not play in the same sand box. While Mister Lewis and his colossal kisser dabble in $1-3,000,000 houses (mostly) in the Los Feliz area of Los Angeles, Mister Bersci is over in the Platinum Triangle working over properties that often sell for between five and $25,000,000. Okaaay?

Property records show that Mister Bersci scooped up what is known as the Harvey Mudd estate back in June of 2004. For those that do not already know or are too lazy to Blackle him, Mister Mudd was a Los Angeles based mining magnate and engineer whose friends and family had a Claremont, CA science and engineering college named in his honor...that would be the Harvey Mudd College, natch.

Anyhoo, we were unable to suss out the Mister Bersci's purchase price but thanks to Our Fairy Godmother in Beverly Hills we learned that not long before Mister Bersci's purchase, the asking price for the (approx) one acre estate located at the end of a very private lane was $5,950,000. So for better or worse, let's just assume he paid somewhere around that number.

Listing information reveals that the Tudor style house was built in 1922 and was designed by noted California architect Elmer Grey, the man responsible for designing iconic buildings such as the Beverly Hills Hotel. According to the Los Angeles County Assessor, the 7 bedroom and 7 bathroom house sprawls across 7,256 meticulously crafted square feet of luscious living space. If you're into the numerology, and Your Mama isn't, all those sevens might make this a lucky house.

The two-story impress the guests style entrance hall with its glittering chandelier, magnificent hand carved paneling and taxidermy peacock spills into a modestly sized sitting room all done up with outrageous floor to ceiling orange drapery, neo-classical day beds, several Bergere chairs in orange, blue Chinese urns and and a Versace-like inlaid floor that gives Your Mama goose bumps. We don't ordinarily go in for this kind of over the top fussy day-core, but we can't help it, orange is our favorite color and that room looks like a dee-voonly dee-luxe location to lay around and smoke weed.

The dining room seats at least 12 and has extravagantly swoopy architraves and the bookshelf lined and puse colored library is simply yummy. We are particularly drawn to the way the books are set on the shelves in a haphazard manner. This would indicate these books actually get looked at and read rather than just put out on display. We're not sure what room that is with all that leopard print and Chinoiserie (the conservatory? the den?), but it all looks like it cost an arm, a leg and a liver.

Your Mama was rather surprised to see that Mister Bersci's kitchen has not been did up and done over like one of his famous flips. Instead we get a cliche black and white floor that looks like linoleum, dated and not very expensive looking black appliances and an industrial sized pot rack looming rather dangerously over the breakfast counter. This is clearly a case of the cobbler needing new shoes and we expect that the new owner will be dialing his/her kitchen designer while signing documents at the closing table.

At the top of the intricately carved stair case there are at least half a dozen exuberantly decorated bedrooms such as the powder blue master which is stuffed with all sorts of Chinoiserie (Mister Bersci obviously likes his Chinoiserie, don't he?), a marble mantled fireplace and a sitting area that can comfortably seat six or seven people. Your Mama finds something odd and a little upsetting about having a sitting area for so many people in such a private chamber. Besides people planning on getting all orgiastic, who invites that many people into their bedroom for a sit down?

The grounds include meticulously maintained gardens, intimate seating areas for small groups, a large lawn for hosting charity events and gin and tonic fueled croquet tournaments, a heated swimming pool for late night skinny dipping and an inground spa perfect for a little aquatic bowm-chicka-bow-bowm.

The Harvey Mudd mansion is tucked way up a tree covered lane, surrounded by major estates and, according to property records, has many notable neighbors. There's the estate once owned by Bewitched star Elizabeth Montgomery which prop records show is now owned by a film and television executive. There's Maurice Marciano who co-founded the Guess fashion empire, Oscar nominated producer Arthur Hiller, The Boss Bruce Springsteen has a West Coast hideout nearby, and an approximately 6.25 acre hilltop lot that several sources told Your Mama is owned by super rich super producer Jon Peters (A Star is Born, Flashdance, Rain Man, and many more) which was recently on the market with an insane asking price of $39,500,000.

Perhaps the most well known and in the news house that Mister Bersci has recently renovated is the gigantic 1930s Georgian on S. Mapleton Drive that was widely rumored and reported to have been in escrow with Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner but remains on the market with an asking price of $23,500,000 (reduced from the original asking price of $27,500,000). We heard the couple backed out (see item No. 5), but honestly puppies we don't know what the real story is with that house and those Garfleck people. Maybe they're buying it, maybe they're not. Maybe they're buying that house in Brentwood they're always photographed looking at or maybe they're staying put on Tigertail Road. Who knows? And after all their looky-looing shenanigans, we're not sure if anyone cares anymore.

Whatever the case with the JenniBens, it is Your Mama's humble and entirely meaningless opinion that given the property's provenance, location and construction quality, the almost seems like a bargain for Bev Hills, which of course is a very different sort of real estate bargain then in most locales, isn't it?