Russia's $99,000,000 House

The Russian stock market is having a melt down and here in the good ol' U.S. of A Wall Street is in an utter panic over the bail out brouhaha, but that's not stopping at least one mega-moneyed Russian oligarch from dropping a chomper chattering $99,000,000 on a seven-plus story townhouse in Moscow.

No children, Your Mama did not key in the wrong numbers, that's $99,000,000.

According to a recent report from the big living boys and gurls at Baller House, the approximately 14,000 square foot townhouse is part of something called the Chistie Prudy (Clean Ponds) which appears to Your Mama to be a residential complex of obscenely priced apartments and townhouses in the center of Moscow and within walking distance of the Kremlin. The townhouse is reported to contain 5 bedrooms, 5 full and 3 half bathrooms, a swimming pool in the basement, a winter garden on the roof and an entire floor for the children because, apparently, really rich Russians prefer to keep the kiddies out of the way.

The billionaire buyer has not been named but according to a Moscow real estate agent, he's a low profile tycoon who is around 40 years old.

Let's put this purchase in perspective. According to Reuters India, the average monthly income for Russians is just below $700. A few clicks of the beads on our beloved and bejeweled abacus reveals that it would take the average Russian 11,785 years to come up with the $99,000,000 to buy this house.

Now that's just sad, ain't it?

Max Mutchnick Gets Lucky in Manhattan

SELLER: Max Mutchnick and Erik Hyman
LOCATION: West 11th Street, New York, NY
PRICE: $4,100,000 (maintenance and common charges: $2,847/month)
SIZE: 1,750 square feet, 2 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: This brilliantly warm pre-war home offers a sense of luxury and comfort at every turn. The meticulously designed South facing living room and formal dining room adjoin, looking over quiet and historic W. 11th Street in the heart of the Gold Coast. Superb eat-in kitchen for informal gathering. Two bedroom, both with en-suite baths.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: A little birdie we'll call Manhattan Mary recently whispered in Your Mama's big ear that Will and Grace co-creator and his unfortunately named man-mate Erik Hyman recently sold their Manhattan pied a terre for $4,100,000.

Most of the children will surely recall that over the last year or so Your Mama has discussed Mssrs. Mutchnick and Hyman's real estate comings and goings both ad infinitum and ad nauseum. But for those of you with memories the size of a garbanzo bean, we'll quickly recap:

Back in December of 2007 Misters Mutchnick and Hyman sold their exuberantly engineered house in Beverly Hills to talk show princess Ellen Degeneres and her newly wedded wifey Porta Di Rossi for a blistering $29,000,000. Then in June of 2008, the property mad men took their real estate and residual riches and scooped up tennis titan Pete Sampras' mansion on super swank Loma Vista Drive in Beverly Hills. Rumors and reports say that the real estate savvy gentleman managed to swing the 6 bedroom and 12 bathroom house for $16,980,000, a huge sum of money by any standards but nowhere near the $23,000,000 asking price. Someone in that family is clearly a very skilled negotiator.

Anyhoo, property records show the Misters Mutchnik and Hyman purchased a 6th floor unit in a reasonably posh, well maintained, and pet friendly building just of lower Fifth Avenue on West 11th Street in July of 2005 for $2,590,000. Listing information we managed to squeeze out of the interweb shows that that co-operative apartment measures (approx.) 1,750 square feet and includes two bedrooms and three bathrooms. (Yes children, we too can see that the floor plan shows 2.5 bathrooms.) The master bedroom includes four separate closets and a hotel sized bathroom large enough to turn a wheelchair, a nice feature for those of us in our advanced years. A confusing and catty wompus hallway runs between the master bedroom at the rear of the apartment and the impressive 38' long living and dining room space. A windowed kitchen is tucked up behind the dining room and appears large enough in which to put a small breakfast table, a rarity in most Manhattan apartments. For four million clams, we can only hope that kitchen has been stuffed full of very expensive and high grade appliances and cabinetry.

Although we know that many of you will loathe them with every fiber of your being, Your Mama l-o-v-e-s all them white walls which are perfect for hanging a small art collection and we love the pre-war proportions of the rooms. But for us, by far the most pleasing part of the co-operative apartment are the stunning herringbone patterned wood floors that have been given a lusterous and lovely finish. We can imagine the dee-light we would feel writhing around on those floors in our birthday suit, but that's really none of y'all biznes, is it?

Clearly the Misters Mutchnick and Hyman hired a nice gay decorator to come in and do up and do over their pied a terre in quasi masculine high homo style with Louis Vuitton trunks, zebra striped benches, well worn brown leather club chairs, velvet sofas and shiny lamp shades. Don't nobody misunderstand Your Mama. We'd live here in a heartbeat (cattywompus hallway and all), but we don't imagine anyone would mistake this for a heterosexual male's home.

What is perhaps most interesting about this sale is that the apartment was listed for $3,960,000 and Manhattan Mary swears it sold for $4,100,000. Although the apartment is listed as "sold" on Streeteasy, due to the fact that property records for the sale are yet to clear, we're unable to confirm that rather impressive (and surprising) $140,000 over the asking price number. If Manhattan Mary is right–and we think he is–Misters Mutchnick and Hyman got very lucky, didn't they?

Between the mortgage melt down and the bailout brouhaha it's interesting to note that some homes and apartments are somehow still selling for more than the asking price. In fact, according to the fine folks at Curbed, this is not the only apartment in the building at 15 West 11th Street that has recently gone to contract for more than the asking price. Yes, children, more.

As mentioned above, at the time of this discussion, prop records of the purchase have yet to clear so we were unable to suss out the buyer's name. We asked Manhattan Mary who the buyer is, natch, and he said it's just some billionaire with money to burn. Must be nice to be spending big as the Dow drops.

Your Mama Hears...

...that bling queen Kimora Lee Simmons has bought herself new house in Beverly Hills.

The children will recall it was only in August of 2007 that Miz Simmons unloaded her N. Doheny Drive manse and scooped up a new nest on guard gated Lime Orchard Road in the Beverly Hills Post Office that happens to sit right up next door to wannabe country crooner Jessica Simpson's California crib.

The children will also recall that nine months later, in early June of 2008, Miz Ants in Her Property Pants flipped the Lime Orchard Road residence back on to the market with an asking price of $7,750,000, a rather gutsy $1,850,000 price increase over the $5,900,000 she paid for the 5 bedroom and 8 bathroom house less than a year before.

Now we hear from a well connected tipster we'll call Danny Dishesdirt that the peripatetic Miz Simmons went out and dumped 8 figures on a 9,405 square foot house on a swanky Shadow Hill Way in the Bev Hills. The property was not listed on the open market.

According to Danny Dishesdirt, the bold, brassy and filthy rich dee-vorcée forked over $11,500,000 for what Mister Dishesdirt called a "tired 90s Medit. villa with a n/s tennis court."

Information Your Mama located on the property reveals that the model turned fashion dee-ziner's new walled, gated and humongously hedged house includes 7 bedrooms, 9 bathrooms, 4 fireplaces, a two story entrance hall, a mahogany paneled library, a ginormous screening room, a state of the art home gym, a wine cellar and an existing guest house. (Mister Dishesdirt also whispered in Your Mama's big ear that there are plans for a new guest house.) Your Mama is a little flummoxed that there does not appear to be a swimming pool on the property. Eleven million plus clams and no swimming pool? No thank you.

Your Mama, as well as several of the children, has already noted that the house on Lime Orchard Road has been removed from the Multiple Listing Service. Of course we don't have any idea why, but perhaps she's planning on staying put on Lime Orchard Road while the new house on Shadow Hill Way is gilded, glamorized, updated and upgraded to her her lavish standards? Could be.

As far as we know, Miz Simmons also still co-owns that outlandish monster mansion in Saddle River, NJ that she shared with her music mogul ex-huzband Russell Simmons which was last listed for sale with a wonky looking asking price of $19,888,000. The (approx.) 35,000 square foot mega-manse no longer seems to be listed.

Teen Aged Vanessa Hudgens Buys an Adult Sized House

BUYER: Vanessa Hudgens
LOCATION: Studio City, CA
PRICE: $2,750,000
SIZE: 5,200 square feet, 6 bedrooms, 6.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Spectacular old-world Tuscan, architectural manor with Moroccan influences & city light views. Engineer w/ caissons into bedrock, amazing custom stacked stone, saline Pebble-Tech pool/spa, waterfalls, cabana, bbq island, hardwood & stone floors, the ultimate gourmet kitchen, Thermador appliances, windows, copper sinks, Arte de Mexico wrought iron & glass doors wine cellar.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Your Mama has long heard whispers and rumors that 19 year old High School Musical ack-tress/wannabe pop star Vanessa Hudgens was looking to buy herself a house in the Hills of Hollywood. The paps frequently photographed the dark haired gossip glossy favorite touring multi-million dollar properties and several reports came out that she bought this house. But, according to our sources, she did not buy that house.

In early August of 2008 while strutting her starlet stuff in borrowed clothes at the Teen Choice Awards, young Miss Hudgens rather brazenly announced to E! Entertainment's super slim red carpet reporter Juliana Rancic that she was in the process of purchasing her first house. Not long after that, Your Mama received a secret communique from a gal we'll call Charity Chitchatter who whispered in Your Mama's big ear that she'd recently heard from someone who would know that Miss Hudgens had closed on her new house.

So Your Mama quickly got on the horn and contacted a few folks we thought might know what is what regarding Miss Hudgen's real estate doings and sho enuf we soon heard back from our wickedly well informed source Lucy Spillerguts who told us that the teen aged millionaire recently dumped $2,750,000 on a big house in Studio City, CA.

Property records show that in early September, young Miss Hudgens completed the transaction for an approximately 5,200 square foot house in the hills above Studio City that listing information reveals includes 6 bedrooms and 6.5 bathrooms. Children, what in the world does an 19 year old gurl need with a 5,000+ square foot house with half a dozen bedrooms and 6.5 damn bathrooms?

Listing information also shows that in addition to all the bedrooms, Miss Hudgen's new abode includes a large entrance hall with a curving staircase where she can practice for her Norma Desmond years, living and dining rooms, a home office, a large gore-may kitchen that looks to Your Mama like it could be in just about any upscale tract house anywhere, a family room that opens to the rear terrace and pool deck, and a wine cellar which young Miss Hudgens will not be able to use for quite some time as she's not even old enough to buy liquor.

Other amenities of the teenager's three story abode include hardwood and stone floors, glittery views over the San Fernando Valley, three fireplaces, a three car garage where she can park her pricey Audi convertible, multiple terraces overlooking the back yard and all sorts of wrought iron detailing Your Mama assumes is an attempt to give the house a neo-Tuscan/faux Mediterranean/Moroccan mish-mash sort of vibe. Ack! Listen people, you can't just slap a tile roof on a house an fill it with wrought iron railings and call it Tuscan because we have been to Tuscany and we are certain there are not many (if any) houses in Tuscany that look quite like this. But then again, Miss Hudgens is just a bizzy teen aged ack-tress giddy and flush with fame and while she may well know a Louboutin from a Blahnik and True Religion from Rock and Republic, what does the gurl know about architecture? Seriously. We imagine her real estate agent could have told her this was High Gothic Georgian-style Center Hall Colonial Revival and what would she know, right?

Anyhoo, Miss Hudgen's terraced back yard features a beautifully blue saline swimming pool and spa where she can skinny dip in private after spending the afternoon slapping down the credit card at Fred Segal, a barbecue island, whatever that is, and a cabana where she and boy beau Zac Efron can quietly comb each other's hair and paint each other's toe nails in the shade.

If anyone were to ask Your Mama, which of course no one did, we think it might have been more financially prudent for young Miss Hudgens to purchase something a bit more modest in price and size. Certainly she could have found a cute three bedroom cottage in a solid Studio City neighborhood for 1.5 million, right? Afterall, the Disney people will eventually stop making High School Musical movies and then what is young Miss Hudgens going to do to make her mortgage? Sing? Pleeze.

Previous to scooping up her own celebrity style spread, young Miss Hudgens shacked up with her parents in the 2,385 square foot North Hollywood house prop records indicate they purchased in September of 2005 for $865,000. It must be kinda surreal to have your teen aged daughter buy a house worth more than three times the value of your own house. Not bad, just strange. Right?

Whatevs.

P.S. Thanks to one of Your Mama's children we stand corrected. Miss Hudgens is 19 going on 20 and not the 18 years old that we first thought (and reported). We used our fingers rather than our bejeweled abacus and we counted incorrectly. But whatever. She's still 19 damn years old, which is awfully young to be buying a 6 bedroom house. Imagine what it's going to be like for her roaming and rattling around in there all alone as the house creaks and groans as it settles on its caissons. It makes Your Mama lonely just to think about it.

Tony Gonzalez Lists House in Manhattan Beach

SELLER: Tony Gonzalez
LOCATION: 34th Street, Manhattan Beach, CA
PRICE: $3,999,000
SIZE: 3,465 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Huge rooftop deck that runs the length of the property. Ocean views from the interior. Big master bedroom. Giant four car garage with bonus storage room. Great kitchen, den and family room area. Lots of character. Two blocks to the sand.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Just the other day, based on a contact from someone we call Princess Sandypants, we discussed and dissected the Manhattan Beach house of professional baseball player Derek Lowe. Then yesterday, Your Mama recently received a second clandestine communique from the obviously well informed Princess Sandypants letting us know that another professional ball player had listed his Manhattan Beach house with an asking price of $3,999,000. This time the the property peddler is a professional pig skin player named Tony Gonzalez.

Not knowing a thing about professional football other than that the muscular men are usually stuffed like sausages into very thin capri pants through which you can often see their jock straps, Your Mama did not have a clue who this Tony Gonzalez person is. So early this morning, we rather unwisely dialed up our hard living and ball obsessed pal Fiona Trambeau on the Skype wires for a little 411 on Mister Gonzalez. We should have known better than to call Miss Trambeau before noon. While Miss Trambeau was, uhm, indisposed this early morning and could do little more than hurl scathing insults at us for bugging her while she was, uhm, entertaining, she did manage amid her foul-mouthed ranting and raving to get across that Mister Gonazalez plays the tight end position for the Kansas City Chiefs.

Tight end? What in the hell is a tight end? Of course Your Mama knows what a tight end is, but what kind of luridly suggestive job title is Tight End for the Kansas City Chiefs? And here we thought football was only for gentlemen of the butch and burly persuasion. A quick search of the interweb also informed us that in his position as a tight end Mister Gonzalez holds several impressive sounding NFL records for such things as most single season receptions for a tight end and most career touchdowns by a tight end. Being such a record breaker, he probably makes a lot of money, right?

Anyhoo, just as Princess Sandypants promised, property records do indeed show that the 3,465 square foot house on Manhattan Beach's 34th Street was purchased by an Anthony Gonzalez back in January of 2003 for $1,575,000. Upon seeing that number and comparing it against the property's current asking price of $3,999,000, Your Mama immediately consulted our bejeweled abacus whose well worn beads revealed that Mister Gonzalez is attempting to double down on his real estate investment after owning the 4 bedroom and 4 bathroom property for less than five years.

Ordinarily Your Mama would say this is outrageous and unrealistic, not to mention a little greedy grabby. However, the Dr. Cooter has some good lookin' and wonderfully bronzed cuzzins who did very well for themselves when they recently sold (and bought) some choice Manhattan Beach real estate. So before all you Chicken Littles start hollering and getting all in a snit about the sky falling–and if you watch CNN, it does sorta sound like the sky might be falling–remember that people with money to burn on real estate have always paid high unholy premiums to shack up a short distance to the sugar sandy beaches of southern California. And children, this house is just two itty bitty blocks to the shore.

Now then, let's have a look see at Mister Gonzalez's house. Listing information shows that in addition to the probably little used living and dining rooms, the house includes a large master bedroom, three additional family/guest bedrooms, and a large family room/den area in which Mister Gonzalez has put, yes children, a pool table. If there's anything that Your Mama loathes more than a pot rack it's a prominently placed pool table. Put it in the basement, put it in the garage, put it in its own room where you don't have to look at the ass uglee thing 24/7, but people, do not put a pool table in the damn family room. Ever. Did you hear that bachelor men? Not. Ever. We concede that putting the pool table in the family room is better than the living room, but really, that only makes the sorry situation marginally better in our snarky book. And the wet bar area? Holy cow children that thing looks to Your Mama like an unhappy marriage between a stuffy British pub and a tourist filled Mexican Margarita bar in Puerto Vallarta and it only adds to our dire need for a nerve pill and a giant pitcher of gin and tonics to wash it down.

What about the kitchen you ask? Well, it's certainly trying very hard to look dignified and distinguished, isn't it? We would have much preferred to see something a little lighter in tone, a lot less carved and not nearly as serious...this is a house at the beach after all.

On the other hand, the reedonkulously gigantic roof terrace is dee-voon. We love the long views of the shoreline, we adore that bed thing with the shade making slatted canopy, it was smart to include a built in barbecue area and the Dr. Cooter would think he'd died and gone to heaven sitting in that hot tub guzzling wine and listening to the pounding surf in the distance. The kitchen can (and in our estimation should) be replaced, but this view, children, can not.

Seriously kids, considering its plum location, awesome view, decent size and the fantabulous roof deck and despite all that fussy cabinetry and all those bile producing "chandeliers," this is not a bad house. All that crap can be fixed. And let's be honest, if someone can pay nearly four million buck for a house, they can afford a smart architect, a nice gay decorator and few hundred thousand to fix all those punishable crimes of cabinetry and interior design. Plus, there is a four car garage. Four! Anyone who has ever tried to park anywhere near the beach knows that having all that parking on your property in Manhattan Beach is worth a pretty penny or two.

Given that Mister Gonzalez was raised up in nearby Huntington Beach, it's hard to imagine he's giving up a beach house for the land locked horizons of Kansas City. But maybe he is. Then again, maybe he's just trading up to a bigger an better house at the beach. Who knows? Your Mama certainly don't, so don't any bahdee go reporting that we do. Because we don't. We only know that this house is for sale.

Now then, Your Mama has to git. We've got a full day of meetin' and greetin' ahead of us.

Billy Baldwin Lists House in Bedford Corners

SELLERS: Billy Baldwin and Chynna Phillips
LOCATION: Chestnut Ridge Road, Bedford Corners, NY
PRICE: $3,895,000
SIZE: 6,400 square feet (approx.), 5 bedrooms, 7 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Long wooded driveway leads to 19th cent grand Carriage House. Exquisitely renovated. Generously proportioned floorplan defined by extensive millwork. Both LR (w/ fpl) & formal DR offer french drs to pergols-covered stone terr, gourmet EIK w/ top of the line appl, FR, onyx-topped wet bar & brass sink, beautiful glass-encl Conservatory, Pool/pool house, 4+ acres of beautifully landscaed property w/ speciman trees, stonework, rock outcroppings.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Although MTV Movie Award winning ack-tor Billy Baldwin has reportedly lived in the sleepy and uppity bedroom community of Bedford Hills, NY since 1995, the last Your Mama heard about this real estate doings he was dropping about fourteen grand a month to lease a very pretty house on S. Spaulding Drive in Bev Hills. See children, Mister Baldwin needed a Tinseltown crib in which to live while filming his role on boob-toob spoof Dirty Sexy Money as a very married politician with a secret tranny gurlfriend expertly played by gorgeously long legged actress (and real live tranny) Candis Cayne.

Now we hear from Aerialist Dave that Mister Baldwin and his wifey Chynna Phillips–a gal whom all the children will surely recall as the skinny blond gurl from 1990s sugar saccharine pop trio Wilson Phillips–have listed their 4.36 acre estate in Bedford Corners, NY with an asking price of $3,895,000. Records and reports reveal the country living couple paid $3,350,000 for the property in February of 2005.

Listing information indicates the main house was built way back in 1890 and includes 5 bedrooms and 7 terlits. Presumably this bed to bath ratio means that every bedrooms has its own private pooper, which Your Mama always finds appealing. The central entrance hall is both large enough to receive to receive multiple dinner guests at one time and to impress the pimple faced pizza delivery boy. The generously proportioned living room includes a fireplace and at first glance what appears to be a really nice row of three french doors leading to a terrace overlooking a rolling landscape. However, a second look reveals that the doors are not set center on the wall which, unfortunately, creates a cattywompus and visually distressing situation.

The dining room with it's faux-Chippendale style table and chairs looks like the sort of place where no one ever eats except on Thanksgiving and a large green den looks like where the Baldwin family probably gathers to watch the boob-toob and play Wii. This is another room that at first glance we sort of liked. Then that heavily patterned carpeting with the rose motif came into focus and Your Mama was mor-ti-fied. That might be okay in the 10-room Park Avenue apartment owned by a lacquer haired octogenarian, but we just don't think it's a very prudent choice for a young family. It's just so darn old lady.

Clearly many thousands of dollars was spent on high grade stainless steel appliances for the large kitchen and in fact there are separate SubZero refrigerator and freezer, an excellent feature for a growing family of five. However, Your Mama just cringes and cries like a baby over this kind of caucky brown raised panel cabinetry that looks like it's trying desperately to not look like a damn kitchen. And those massive corbels with the carved grape clusters on the center island just make Your Mama wanna puke. Sorry, but they do.

We recognize that this traditional style house and large leafy property will likely appeal to a lot of people. Traditional designs often do. It is indeed a very family friendly environment where all the well educated, well employed and well dressed residents are expected to keep up their lawns and make nice-nice over cocktails with the neighbors even if they can't stand the smell of each other.

However, Your Mama does not care for the Westchester suburbs, which for the geographically challenged, sit just north of New York City. It's a personal thing. It's not that we can not or do not understand why rich people want to raise up their kids in such a bucolic and upscale environment, and it's not that we don't think the rolling landscape isn't jaw droppingly beautiful, terrifically expensive and home to loads of rich and famous folks such as domestic diva and ex-con Martha Stewart and supah-fine 5-time Oscar nominated (always a bridesmaid, never a bride) actress Glenn Close. The posh suburbs are simply not our real estate cup of tea. Unfortunately Your Mama has read entirely too many gloriously bleak and deliciously depressing John Cheever short stories to make the notion of riding a commuter train from Mt. Kisco to Grand Central Station every day seem anything but soul crushing and suicide inducing.

Once upon a time not so long ago there was a strong and solid market among Wall Street types for this kind of traditional multi-million dollar estate. With the rather tenuous financial situation continuing to scare the buhjeezis out of all the bankers in Manhattan, Your Mama has to wonder if there are so many Wall Street huzbands willing and able to cough up nearly four million clams for all these expensive to buy and costly to maintain houses in quietly swank towns that dot the hills of Westchester County.

Are Brad and Angie on the Move...Again?

According to multiple reports from around the world, Hollywood's most peripatetic pair and their half dozen multi-culti kids (along with their large retinue of security guards, nannies, tutors and assistants) have recently decamped from the Chateau Miraval, their most recent rented home in the south of France, for a schloss outside of Berlin called the Palais Parkschloss.

Most reports say the Brangelina brood's new and temporary home sits on the shores of Wannsee lake on the outskirts of Berlin and includes a large house, a private helicopter landing pad perfect for getting Miz Jolie to the local 7-11 and back in relative safety, a private dock and a staff that reportedly includes 14 body guards, personal chefs and nannies. Nothing like the simple life.

If the Palais Parkschloss sounds familiar it might because it's the same high security compound that wacky Tom Cruise fellow was reported to have leased while in Germany filming whatever Mission Impossible movie was filmed in 2004. Your Mama will not waste money watching Tom Cruise movies so we don't have any idea if that was Mission Impossible 1, 2 or 3 and frankly we do not care. Apparently action film actor Steven Seagal also once rented (and caused damage to) the Palais Parkschloss. Steven Seagal? Whoop. De. Do.

Your Mama wonders if the paparazzi hounded family will ever return to the United States where they own a compound in the Los Feliz area of Los Angeles, an tennis court estate on the bluffs of Malee-boo, a big ol' house in New Orleans and a fa-boo ocean front compound near Santa Barbara, CA. They might have a few other places, but that's all our gin soaked mind can remember this early in the morning.

Photo: from Bild

We Don't Know...

...what's going on over there with Mister Big Time, but he's obviously having himself a world of hassle and heartache with the back end coding of his always juicy celebrity real estate blog. Your Mama wishes him all the best in getting up and running again very soon.

UPDATE: Leeza Gibbons

We're a little late to the rodeo on this one having been reported ages ago by celebrity real estate writer Ann Brenoff at the L.A. Times, but since this was one of the first properties Your Mama ever discussed on our little online endeavor, we thought we'd chime in with a wee update on the house that entertainment television talking head Leeza Gibbons and her estranged huzband Stephen Meadows have been trying to sell for a damn ice age.

The couple, who apparently went splitsville several years ago, first put the house on the market in August of 2005 with an asking price of $8,750,000. No (serious) buyers turned up at that price, which is a little odd whe you consider that was back when people were still buying up high priced properties like they were playing a game of Monopoly. Your Mama first discussed the 7 bedroom and 8 bathroom two-building compound on Courtney Avenue in December of 2006 when it was foisted back on the market with a reduced asking price of $7,995,000. After just a couple short months, a tipster we called Lucy Looselips whispered in Your Mama's big ear that the house had been sold...or at least been put into escrow...with a purchase price of $7,750,000.

But alas. Unfortunately for Miz Leeza and Mister Meadows, that buyer (and we hear at least one other) did not pan out. Now, the now longer a couple couple are making another go of it...not their marriage children, but selling their white elephant of a estate which listing information indicates includes three floors and approximately 11,000 square feet of vintage Mediterranean mansion with a two story guest house/studio that was built in 2000. The estate is now priced at $7,395,000.

According to listing information, the 1+ acre property was apparently once owned by maniacal mommie and hugely talented Academy Award winning actress Joan Crawford so we're is a little soo-prised some filthy rich queen with a wickedly campy sense of humor hasn't already come along and snatched this place right up.

Audrina Patridge Heads for the Hills

BUYER: Audrina Patridge
LOCATION: Bryn Mawr Drive, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $1,290,000
SIZE: 3 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: ...This new construction Spanish Villa has a spectacular view over looking the city! It has 3 bedrooms & two and a half baths, & a huge gourmet chef's kitchen. The kitchen features a separate convection oven, 6 burner gas stove, built-in microwave, wine refrigerator and side by side refrigerator, & a center island. The entertainer's patio is like a resort w/ built in BBQ, refrigerator...

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Back in late August Your Mama floated a (not very) blind item about a best friend battling gossip glossy favorite spending some of her not very hard earned reality show money on a new house in the hills above Hollywood. As many of y'all guessed correctly, the new home owner is none other than Audrina Patridge, dark haired gurl from The Hills, not the blond one who wants to be a fashion dee-ziner, but the one who aspires to be a mo-dell and ack-turuss. Yes, well, good luck with that baby gurl...

Anyhoo, we know that many of you don't care nuthin' about those cat fighting kitties from The Hills and if we're telling the truth–and we always do–Your Mama does not either. In fact we've never even bothered to watch the damn program. However, the cast members' comings and goings have become inescapable for all us gossip glossy junkies who are forced to read about Heidi and Lauren and Audrina in between stories about real stars like Brad Pitt, Halle Berry and British singing sensation Robbie Williams...who Your Mama also hears is buying a new house. But more on that later.

It's certainly no secret that Miss Patridge bought a new house. Oh no. As is typical with the publicity seeking lasses from The Hills, she's been yakking it up with all the paps and gossip glossies about how she felt like a guest living in the, uhm, guest house of Lauren's house in West Hollywood and how she needed more space for her clothes and accessories. Isn't that nice how her pee-pole have trained her to be so diplomatic? Most reports say that former BFFs Audrina and Lauren can't stand the sight of each other, but for all Your Mama knows, the whole hate each other thing could be made up for their stoopid show. Who knows? Who cares?

According to our source Lucy Spillerguts and confirmed with property records, Miss Patridge paid $1,290,000 for her newly constructed "Spanish Villa" on Bryn Mawr Drive that includes 3 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms, a gore-may kitchen with a window shoved up into the ceiling and more tile floors than in all of Spain itself.

What is most interesting to Your Mama about Miss Patridge's purchase is that as far as we can tell (from the listing information we saved all those weeks ago), the house was last listed at $1,199,000 which means that according to our beloved and bejeweled abacus the reality show personality paid more than the asking price for her new house with it's built-in microwave oven and resort like entertainer's patio. More! That, children, just isn't happening that much anymore.

There's really no point in discussing the rather bland and beige day-core seen in the photographs because that is clearly the work of Staging Lady in a Pink Toyota. And not some of her best work either. Your Mama hopes Miss Partridge has the good sense to hire one of her nice gay decorator friends to get up in there and work it out. The first thing Your Mama would suggest is to go out and buy some damn rugs to cover up some of that beige tile that has been laid down, seemingly, throughout the entire house. Who does that? Why? The builder couldn't have mixed it up with some nice dark floors in the living and dining rooms? Pleeze.

At least the place has some pretty nice views over looking the glittery lights of Los Angeles.

Property records also reveal that Miss Patridge's new next door neighbor is How I Met Your Mother actor Josh Radnor who paid 1.1 million clams for his house in June of 2007 for his 1926 Spanish style house with 3 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms.

Now then, let's move on and hope none of these other folks from The Hills bother to buy a house because Your Mama ain't got nuthin' left to say about them.

P.S. We stand corrected...this gurl's name is indeed Patridge rather that Partridge which is what Your Mama thought it was...shows you how much we know. Anyhoo...we've fixed it. The least we can do is spell the pee-pole's names correctly, right?

Here We Go Again...

SELLER: Britney Spears
LOCATION: Summit Circle, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $7,900,000
SIZE: 7,453 square feet, 6 bedrooms, 6.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Exquisite gated Italian Renaissance Villa w/approx 7,500 sq ft of luxury, 6 BD, 6 ½ BA, wet bar, library, den, chic dining rm, & grand foyer. Artisan quality finishes, dramatic high ceilings, millwork, stone & mosaic tile floors, & iron accents. Chef’s kit w/Viking appliances & breakfast nook open to spacious great room. Romantic Master w/fireplace, & loggia. Manicured grounds incl. pool, spa, arbor, & lush landscape ideal for entertaining. Offered w/select furnishings, accessories, & art work.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Oh lawhd have mercy on our snarky souls children because it looks like that poor Britney Spears gurl is on the move. Again.

All the children remember that the ex-Mrs. Federline dumped $6,750,000 on her big house on Summit Circle in the guard gated community called The Summit on a lark back in January of 2007. That was back when the lamb was hanging out with all kinda hooligans, creating havoc and getting into all manner of stoopid shenanigans while wearing that dumb ass pink wig and flashing her baby smooth baby maker all over Tinseltown. Remember those days children? Good times. Good times. Ack!

The 6 bedroom and 6.5 bathroom house where Miz Spears has been holed up mending her mind the last few months has been for sale so many times at so many different prices since she scooped the place up furniture and all that Your Mama can't be bothered to count, so pleeze don't ask us to.

What we do know is that the Mediterranean-ish manse is freshly listed with a real estate agent from way out in Calabasas, so perhaps the rumors are true that Miz Spears wants to move out to some guard gated community in the northwestern 'burbs of Los Angeles where she'll have some room to roam far far far from the camera snapping and crazy making crowds on Robertston Boulevard.

Ugh. We're not even sure we care anymore. Do you?

All we know children is that someone better be burning a whole lotta sage up in that house to be getting rid of all that bad juju that's been floating around poor Miz Spears the last couple of years.

Derek Lowe Tosses His Manhattan Beach Manse on the Market

SELLER: Derek Lowe
LOCATION: 19th Street, Manhattan Beach, CA
PRICE: $5,700,000
SIZE: 4,260 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 2 full and 2 half bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: ...Stunning Mediterranean style home filled with top of the line amenities. Easy stroll to sand, strand, ocean and downtown Manhattan Beach. Master suite with own ocean view, limestone deck, large walk-in closet and bathroom with heated stone floors. Top floor offers to living areas, gourmet kitchen, vaulted wood-beam ceilings and 2 ocean view decks.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Thanks to Princess Sandypants from Manhattan Beach (that's in Southern Calee-fornya children, not New York City), Your Mama has learned that Mister Derek Lowe, formerly of the Red Sox and currently pitching balls for the L.A. Dodgers, has put his Mediterranean style Manhattan Beach house on the market with an asking price of $5,700,000.

Naturally, not knowing a thing about sports, Your Mama phoned our good friend Fiona Trambeau, a boozy and brassy babe who knows more about men who play with with balls than anyone else Your Mama knows. When we mentioned that we had a few questions about this Mister Lowe, Fiona let out a hoot and a holler loud and long enough to take the top prize at the high-larious pig calling contest at the Iowa State Fair. Yes, she did and it about busted our ear drum.

Anyhoo, Fiona told us there are three things we should know about Mister Lowe

Number One: In January of 2005 he signed an eye popping 4-year contract with the L.A. Dodgers that pays him a whopping $9,000,000 per year.

Number Two: After two years as the only so-so starting pitcher, he was demoted to the number two slot for the 2008 season. Presumably that does not affect his fat paycheck.

And Number Three: Just a few short months after arriving in Los Angeles, the very married with children Mister Lowe began a lurid affair with a gal named Carolyn Hughes, a former pageant queen who covered the Dodgers for the folks at Fox. Each eventually left their respective spouses and reportedly shacked up in sin.

But children, as inneresting and fun as it is to snicker and act all aghast about cuckolding couples, we're here to discuss the real estate and property records show that Mister Lowe scooped up this 4,260 square foot house just a half block from the Pacific Ocean in July of 2006 for $5,000,000. Listing information provided to Your Mama by Princess Sandypants reveals that the house was built in 2006 and includes four bedrooms and five bathrooms. Some of the listed five bathrooms are half bathrooms, but until we hear from Mister Lowe's terlit gurl, Your Mama can't confirm how many of those are full and how many are half bathrooms.

In addition to all the bedrooms, there house includes an open plan living and dining room and a suburban style kitchen with all the granite and stainless steel hoozy goozies that rich people want nowadays. While we don't care for the cabinetry (we don't personally care for raised panels) and the carved corbels on the breakfast bar make us feel nauseated, we do appreciate that guests have a great spot to sit and get slowly and comfortably pie-eyed while the hostess prepares cheese on Triscuit hors-davors.

We do like that the floors in the master bathroom are heated since coastal mornings can be rather chilly, but we're concerned about that the short flight of stairs which could be very dangerous for someone like the sometimes clumsy Dr. Cooter who has a tendency to need to get up several times in the middle of the night to pee-pee. One small slip in the night and he'd crack his head wide open on the stone floor and then our night's rest would be ruined having to take him to the damn emergency room.

The two features that Your Mama likes best about this house are the three car garage (parking in these ocean front communities is murder) and the location on 19th Street just a few moments stroll to the sugar soft sand. What we don't like is that the three story house does not appear to have an elevator. This might not seem like an issue for all the spor-teef types out there, but for all the fat asses like Your Mama who would love to sit on a top floor terrace looking out towards the Pacific Ocean but don't particularly want to break a sweat to get up there, an elevator is a necessity.

Scott Weiland Is Flipping Out in Sherman Oaks

SELLERS: Scott Weiland and Mary Forsberg
LOCATION: Sutton Street, Sherman Oaks, CA
PRICE: $2,250,000
SIZE: 3,399 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: ...Spacious & bright 3 bedrooms, 3.5 baths and separate detached guest house with full bath. Chic and lavishly upgraded to perfection. Gourmet kit w/ premium S/S/ appliances. Luxurious master retreat w/ huge walk-in closet & spa like master bath with fireplace. Priv. backyard features swimmers pool, outdoor deck and large grassy area. Expansive outdoor living area w/ exceptional park-like grounds designed for entertaining.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Recently rehabbed Stone Temple Pilots/Velvet Revolver lead singer Scott Weiland and his model mate Mary Forsberg have put their Sherman Oaks house on the market with an asking price of $2,250,000. Does this mean that the notoriously volatile and reportedly bi-polar parents of two have finally decided to go splitsville, or are they just looking for a little more square footage for their over-sized and well publicized emotional outbursts?

Property records show the comely couple only purchased the Sutton Street property from the very bizzy and tiny nosed actress Lindsay Price (Lipstick Jungle, Pepper Dennis, Beverly Hills 90210) in March of 2007 for $2,100,000. This was right about the same time the Missus Weiland went all kinds of crazy and got herself picked up by the po-po for setting fire to thousands of dollars worth of Mister Weiland's wardrobe on the front lawn of their damn house. It's unclear to Your Mama whether the sartorial bonfire took place at this house on Sutton Street or, as some reports indicated, at another residence a few miles away Toluca Lake.

Perhaps it should come as no surprise that listing information for the Weiland's 3,399 square foot three bedroom house is a wee bit confusing when it comes to determining the number of bathrooms. In the summary of the property three bathrooms are listed and in the description of the house it says 3.5 bathrooms plus and additional pooper in a detached guest unit. So for the sake of argument and until we hear from the Weiland's terlit gurl, let's just say there are between 3 and 4.5 bathrooms.

The interior day-core of the Weiland residence, which include living and dining rooms as well as a large white kitchen and family room space, appear to have been all done up and did over in a Kelly Wearstler Hollywood Regency style. However, we sincerely doubt that Miz Wearstler is actually responsible for this hot mess because if she was it would be, well, better. And she certainly would have known better than to hang that too tiny crystal chandelier in a dining room aching for something large and dramatic.

As a side note, are the children loving watching that Top Design program on the boob-toob as much as Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter? We could care less what all those high-drama design queens are doing with their cubicles and bunkers, we just wanna see what kind of high-larious outfit and cockamamie coiffure Miz Wearstler is gonna show up with. If the executives at Bravo were smart, they'd get rid of all those wannabe Martha Stewarts and just film Miz Wearstler wandering around on a sound stage dressed like a damn peacock, picking at her nails and squinting at dust bunnies. Even better put her in a room with that dee-lishusly mean Nina Garcia ladee from Project Runway and see which bee-hawtcha is left standing at the end of the day. Now that would be some good damn reality television.

But we digress. Not only are both of the Weilands reported to be bi-polar, so is the exterior of this house. The front facade appears to be some sort of quasi-faux Mediterranean tract house with arched windows and some very complicated and visually perplexing iron balustrades, while the rear facade presents a more mid-century modern vibe with a simple hip roof and a large wall of windows overlooking the back yard swimming pool and the park like grounds beyond. We imagine the Weiland's gardener curses them every week while he's having to maneuver the mower around those boulders set smack in the middle of the lawn.

A few flicks of the well worn bead on our bejeweled abacus reveal that the troubled twosome are likely to lose a few shekels on this real estate transaction, partick when you consider carrying costs.

Property records show that in June of 2008 Mister Weiland forked over $1,300,000 for a much more modest house on Ethel Street in a much less expensive section Sherman Oaks.

Sorry children...

...but Your Mama has to take this weekend off. Not only are we feverish, we've got all manner of family obilgations to get through.

We'll be back at you as soon as we can.

Stay tuned.

Tina Sinatra Lists Bev Hills House

SELLER: Christina Sinatra
LOCATION: Lloydcrest Drive, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $2,450,000
SIZE 3,024 square feet, 2 bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Exceptional architectural, huge open spaces. A breathtaking lifestyle w/ effortless flow. Double LR w/ fp, media rm, separate dining area, warm & inviting kitc. opens to outdoor living/din covered loggia. Elegant mstr w/ vaulted clng, fp & skylit sitting rm/off., guest br/den w/ full ba. plus sep. gst apt. Brick flrs, expansive cyn & cty vus, lrg swimmer's pool, 2-car w/ additional carport.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Thanks to our tipster Junebug, Your Mama has learned that Frank Sinatra's youngest daughter Tina, the one whose boots were not made for walking, recently listed her long time residence on Lloydcrest Drive in the Hills of Beverly with an asking price of $2,450,000.

If Your Mama is being honest, and we always are, we had to do a little searching on the interweb to sort out if this Miz Sinatra has accomplished anything in her life besides being the daughter of one of America's most iconic and beloved crooners. Turns out she has. Well, sort of. As best as we can tell, in the late sixties and early seventies, the good looking gal acted in a few boob-toob programs including the made for television film Fantasy Island as well as produced a couple of films including one about (surprise!) her father and in the year 2000 she authored a book about (surprise!) her father. Nothing wrong with a little nepotism folks. If Your Mama's daddy was rich, famous (and dead), we'd prolly be figuring and finessing ways to make profit off his memory too. Afterall, someone is going to do it, so it might as well be the family.

Anyhoo, as best as we glean from the property records, Miz Sinatra purchased this house way back in April of 1968. Your Mama hasn't got a clue what she paid for the place, but given that it was 40 years ago, well, you know that it was pennies on the$2,495,000 the property is currently listed.

Listing information reveals that Miz Sinatra's hillside house measures in at a modest 3,024 square feet and includes just 2 bedrooms and 3.5 bathrooms (as well as a separate guest apartment). Your Mama does not mind this particular ratio of bedrooms to bathrooms as we do not like to encourage too many house guests to stay too long. However, the slim number of primary sleeping chambers will likely rule out all those Brady Bunch style family buyers and all the real estate size queens who are convinced that owning a house with less than five or six bedrooms is a punishment. Other amenities include a double living room (whatever that is) with a fireplace, a dining area, a media room and a "warm and inviting" kitchen that opens up to an outdoor living and dining terrace which despite that disturbing ceramic lemon tower tree thing on the table looks like the only part of the house Your Mama could be in without feeling like we wanted to poke out our eyeballs with a pencil.

Miz Sinatra's house is located in a neighborhood that is often referred to as the Crest Streets, a swanky and hilly 'hood located between Coldwater Canyon Drive on the west and and Loma Vista Drive on the east, is chock full of rich and famous folks like wiglicious wonder Tyra Banks who owns a home on Readcrest Drive, Microsoft billionaire Paul Allen has a gigantic estate on Beverlycrest where his next door neighbor is Greek shipping heir Paris Latsis and just around the corner from Miz Sinatra one Waynecrest Drive is the 14,595 square foot mansion of shockingly rich Ron Popeil, the Ginsu knife guru and inventor of all manner of seemingly useless items such as the GLH-9 hair in a can product, the Cap Snaffler, and the Inside the Shell Egg Scrambler.

Although the listing for Miz Sinatra's house is still marked "active" in the MLS, jaw-flapping Junebug swears all up and down that the property is in currently escrow and that Miz Sinatra will soon be packing up all her truckloads of tchotchkes and schlepping it less than a mile away as the crow flies to a newly built house on Wallace Ridge Drive where she'll be close enough to send her house gurl down the street to Courtney Cox and David Arquette's house to borrow a cup of sugar.

Thursday Afternoon Mish Mash

Not only is Your Mama is down for the count today with some strange symptoms of sick like sore eyeballs, sensitive skin, tingly innards and a mushy brain, one of our neighbors has been running a LOUD and obnoxious machine all damn morning that has us ready to slit our own (rather sore) throat. So bear with us children as we try to bring y'all a little Thursday afternoon mish mash.

1.
On Tuesday, Your Mama discussed a perfectly loverly London townhouse that our jet-setting tipster with the distinguished Greek surname swore up and down is owned by a U.S. born former model turned boobalicious bizness woman named Caprice Bourret. At the time, Your Mama was unable to confirm with 100% certainty that the contemporary casa is in fact owned (and being sold) by the surgically enhanced Miss Boo-ray.

Thanks to clarifying communiques received from several children, we've learned that Miss Boo-ray actually invited the MTV Cribs cameras into her house which clearly shows that the house we discussed does indeed belong to Caprice Bourret.

2.
Yesterday Your Mama discussed the hew-mongous Hamptons habitat listed for sale by former Lehman Brothers COO and president Joseph Gregory with a stunning $32,500,000 asking price. When Your Mama sat down to pen our little post we were ignorant as to the amount of money Mister and Missus Gregory paid for their Surfside Drive mansion which sits on 2.5 acres of prime ocean front property in super swanky Bridgehampton, NY. Now, thanks to a gabby gal we'll call Bridgehampton Betty, we do.

Property records provided to us by Bridgehampton Betty clearly reveal that Mister and Missus Gregory forked over $19,000,000 for the 8 bedroom and 8.5 bathroom ocean front mansion in January of 2007. Yes children, nineteen million clams.

A few flicks of the beads on our bejeweled abacus reveals that the Gregorys and their pee-pole honestly think their house has increased in value by a whopping $13,500,000 in less than two years. Pleeze.

Your Mama does not begrudge anyone a profit on their real estate investments, but this, children, is reedonkulous. Perhaps we can't blame the unemployed Mister Gregory for trying to turn a 10+ million dollar profit flipping this posh property, but seriously folks, what mo-ron would pay $32,500,000 for a house that 18 months ago sold for $19,000,000? In this market? Your Mama hates to sound like a Chicken Little, but we sorta think the salad days of short term monster-sized real estate gains are over, even in the rarefied market of the hoity toity Hamptons.

3.
Your Mama hears from a well connected source in Beverly Hills that recently released from the clink soft porn producer Joe Francis is sniffing around the better zip codes of Los Angeles for a new house and that he's got his eye on a twenty million dollar place called La Villa Serena.

We're not sure why the filthy rich Girls Gone Wild guy would want or need a new house in LaLa Land given that he already owns a massive manse on Bel Air Place right next door to legendary Hollywood hottie Zsa Zsa Gabor. Maybe he needs a nearby place to put up a bunch of barely legal boobie baring sorority gurls gone wild?

4.
Earlier this week we all spent considerable time poring over the fabulous floor plan for Bill and Tina Flaherty's drool worthy doo-plex penthouse at Manhattan's Rosario Candela designed 1040 Fifth Avenue that recently landed on the market with an asking price of $43,000,000.

A helpful young man we'll call Tricky Dick thought the children might enjoy a look-see at the original floor plan for the penthouse (below) that was published in Andrew Alpern's book The New York Apartment Houses of Rosario Candela and James Carpenter.

The children will note that the original floor plan included three bedrooms and 4.5 bathrooms plus a full complement of staff rooms surrounding the kitchen and pantry.

5.
Although she's yet to find anyone willing to actually buy the place, Your Mama hears from more than one well connected real estate source that our favorite Oscar nominated nut job Sharon Stone leased out the real estate white elephant on N. Beverly Drive that she bought, never moved into and has been trying to sell for nearly two damn years even though the asking price has been reduced from $12,500,000 to $10,000,000. We understand that Miz Stone is getting about thirty-five grand a month for the 5 bedroom and 6 bathroom compound, an amount which probably just about covers the bills for her, uhm, dermatologist.

6.
Another helpful and generous reader took the time to scan and email Your Mama the original floor plan for the Samuel Goldwyn Jr. mansion (below) that recently hit the market with an asking price of $24,000,000. The floor plan was included in a book called Residential Architecture in Southern California.

Until one of Your Mama's little spies gets into the house, we won't know if the floor plan remains the same as was originally built, but the children will note that when the house was completed in 1934 the master suite encompassed and entire wing of the second floor and included a sitting room, a large dressing room, two bathrooms, city view terraces and a large sleeping porch, a dee-lishusly practical feature for dealing with the scorching heat of Southern California back in the days before air conditioning.

Joe Gregory Is Getting Out of the Hamptons

SELLER: Joseph Gregory
LOCATION: Surfside Drive, Bridgehampton, NY
PRICE: $32,500,000
SIZE: 9,500 (approx.) square feet, 8 bedrooms, 8.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Views of the Atlantic Ocean and luxurious interiors are the highlights of this stunning residence. Homes like this rarely come on the market. Set on 2.5 acres this home is protected by expansive dunes in the heart of Bridgehampton. With over 200 feet of Oceanfront and pristine sandy beach this home boasts incomparable views and resort like amenities. This "Hamptons Grey" shingled home is just two years old but has the charm of cottages built a century ago...

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: In light of the financial markets swirling down the proverbial terlit, the U.S. government's multi-billion dollar bailouts of Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac and insurance giant AIG and this week's mind blowing bankruptcy filing by old school Wall Street investment bank Lehman Brothers, Your Mama thought the children might get a kick out of a look-see at the Hamptons summer home of Joseph Gregory that is on the market for a bank account busting $32,500,000. For all the children who do not watch or read the financial news, Mister Gregory is the gentleman who acted as the Chief Operating Officer, President and Managing Director for the now defunct Lehman Brothers until June 2008 when he was unceremoniously and very publicly tossed out on his green suit wearing big bonus booty.

Two years ago, back when many Wall Streeters were still telling the public that the looming sub-prime mortgage meltdown was nothing to worry about, Mister Gregory and his philanthropically minded wifey Niki scooped up this newly built ocean front house for an amount of money that Your Mama isn't able to sort out. However, given that this house is located on swanky Surfside Drive on 2.5 acres of prime Bridgehampton ocean front land and considering that Mister Gregory's 2007 compensation package was reported to have been in excess of $26,000,0000, it's probably safe to assume that he and the Missus Gregory forked over for more money for their weekend house than most of the children will see in a lifetime...or two.

After purchasing the speculatively built mansion, the couple, whose primary residence is located in Lloyd Harbor, NY, reportedly spent another couple of million clams upgradin' and decoratin' their approximately 9,500 square foot beach behemoth that includes a two story entrance hall with floor to ceiling raised paneling, a large living room with a coffered ceiling, fireplace and at least two built in televisions, several formal and casual dining areas, an all white gore-may kitchen with every appliance amenity available, a den, media room, conservatory and an entertainment salon on the second floor that opens to the large ocean view deck.

In addition to the two gigantic master suites–one done up in pukey pink the other in baby blue–which open up to the above mentioned second floor deck, there are six additional bedrooms each with a private pooper, a feature Your Mama imagines every family member and weekend guest can appreciate when it comes time to cope with the previous evening's din-din of lobster, Krug and caviar. Other interior amenities include four fireplaces, ten foot ceilings on the main floor, quarter-sawn oak plank flooring, all manner of meticulous mill work, and, natch, a high tech security system.

Outside, the spectacularly simple 50-foot gunite swimming pool and spa (on the ocean side of the house, thank you) are surrounded by velvety lawns that lead to a private path across the dunes to 200 feet of quasi-private and very swanky Bridgehampton beach front.

As for the day-core? Feh! Obviously, a butt load of Wall Street bread was spent on Scalamandré drapery fabrics, custom woven rugs and a truck load of ginger jar lamps, but it's all so damn ordinary looking and lacks personality. Besides, who can imagine strolling in to this house with sandy feet and a wet bathing suit without incurring the steely glare of Hattie the housekeeper? Not Your Mama, that's for sure.

So why are Mister and Missus Gregory selling up their ocean front getaway after millions in renovations and just two years of owning? Well, according to their real estate agent it's because the couple have spent almost no time at the house since completing it's over-haul and may have only used the house a total of 14 days since purchasing and upgrading the posh property. Fourteen days! Whaaat?

Well children, that may be true (or it may be the party line), but the real estate cynic in Your Mama doesn't think it's such a coinky-dink that this house hit the market right about the same time Mister Gregory found himself without a damn job. We're not saying anything, 'cause Your Mama don't know the sea from the sky, but we're just sayin', you know?

Your Mama imagines that with Lehman Brothers shutting up shop and letting go tens of thousands of employees, all the hoity toity Hamptons brokers are prolly bizzy as beavers fielding phone calls from investment bankers who no longer have fat paychecks to pay for their multi-million dollar summer houses. And Your Mama bets all you folks out there struggling to pay your own mortgages feel just terrible for them too, right?

A Little Floor Plan Porn

SELLERS: William (Bill) and Clementina (Tina) Flaherty
LOCATION: 1040 Fifth Avenue, New York, NY
PRICE: $43,000,000
SIZE: 3 bedrooms, 4.5 bathrooms (plus staff room and bath)
DESCRIPTION: Seventeen stories above Fifth Avenue this duplex penthouse crowns a notable building designed by Rosario Candela in 1930. With most every room opening onto terraces, the apartment has incomparable views over the reservoir, spanning the entire breadth of Central Park. From an English pine paneled library to an expansive master suite this apartment is a piece of perfection.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Your Mama knows how all the children love a little floor plan pornography, so we thought we'd let y'all spend the afternoon hours poring over the luscious layout of the palatial penthouse at Manhattan's 1040 Fifth Avenue, one of Manhattan's most expensive and difficult to get into buildings.

The doo-plex penthouse, perched atop the same quietly ritzy and obscenely expensive white glove building where American icon Jackie Bouvier Kennedy Onassis lived (and died), is currently owned by zinc tycoon and bizness baron William (Bill) Flaherty and his wifey Clementina (Tina) Santi Flaherty, a sassy and accomplished bizness executive turned authoress. The high powered pair have put their 3 bedroom and 4.5 bathroom aerie (plus a staff room and bath located behind the gore-may kitchen) on the market with an eye popping asking price of $43,000,000 presumably as part of what the NY Observer recently called their "intricate divorce" proceedings.

The juicy and delectable layout is perfect for a couple who prefer not to share bathrooms, closet space or even bedrooms and given that overnight guests need to be wedged into the somewhat small guest room improbably tucked up behind the kitchen and adjacent to the dining room, they might prefer to be booked into the posh Pierre Hotel down the street.

Now then, before Your Mama leaves y'all to salivate, sweat and go green with financial envy, let's run through the penthouse by the numbers: 2 floors; 12 rooms; 3 bedrooms; 4.5 bathrooms (plus 1 itty bitty staff room and bath); 4 fireplaces; 5 terraces; 20+ closets; and an almost inconceivable 21 points of access to the 5 terraces. The monthly maintenance is listed at $10,858 and any buyer who wants to be considered a buyer will need to fork over the entire purchase price in cold hard cash. That's right puppies, no mortgages allowed at 1040 Fifth.

According to reports and records, the filthy rich Flahertys also own posh properties in Palm Beach, Pebble Beach (CA) and the Hamptons. Presumably each of these properties are up for grabs in the couple's dee-vorce.

The Goldwyn Mansion Goes on the Block

SELLER: Samuel Goldwyn Jr.
LOCATION: Laurel Lane, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $24,000,000
SIZE: 10,982 square feet, 6 bedrooms, 5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: First time ever on the market. Exquisite classic traditional architecture set on 2 BH acres on a cul-de-sac behind Beverly Hills Hotel. This superb residence has an ideal flr pln w/ patio loggias, wonderful yard, pool patio & hse. Sunken lighted profess. tennis crt. The main residence greets you w/ an elegant staircase, lovely galleria, perfectly scaled rms, 35MM projection rm. Main level offers guest ste w/ prvt entrance. Oversized motor crt. City lights. Once in a lifetime opportunity.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Hold on to your britches children because a little slice of Hollywood real estate history has hit the market. According to listing information and property records, Samuel Goldwyn Jr., the scion and son of Tinseltown tycoon Samuel Goldwyn (he of Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer, natch), has put the family's famous Bev Hill estate on the market with an asking price of $24,000,000.

The legendary Georgian style mansion on Laurel Lane was built in 1934 and in addition to hosting some of the biggest names in Hollywood including Charlie Chaplin, George Cukor, Frank Capra, Clark Gable and old school lesbian Marlene Dietrich, the property was often used as collateral to finance films produced by the senior Goldwyn.

Although the listing states the sprawling residence has an ideal floor plan and perfectly scaled rooms, Mister Goldwyn Jr. is quoted in a New York Times article from 2004 as saying, "It's slightly jerry-built in such a way that you can't really change anything short of tearing it down." That would indicate the floor plan might be a bit quirky and less than ideal, but children who would want to tear down a house where the famously pugnacious Mister Goldwyn Sr. allegedly won Bette Davis for her role in The Little Foxes in a poker game from movie mogul Jack Warner?

Pictures of the property are slim, but listing information reveals that guests are greeted and impressed by an over-sized motor court suitable for turning long limousines. The main house includes living and dining rooms, a den, family room, a library/studio, a 35mm projection room, an office, a kitchen with breakfast area.

Other amenities includes garage parking for 4 cars, three fireplaces, a glammy, celebrity style and solar heated swimming pool and adjacent pool house, a sunken and lighted tennis court with a proper north/south alignment, terraced gardens, expansive lawns, an elevator for the lazy and the infirm, and a guest suite on the main level with it's own entrance.

Rich Hollywood types sit with checkbooks in hand waiting for properties like this to come up for sale and Your Mama predicts the Goldwyn estate will sell quickly and possibly for more than the asking price. Yes children, we said it, for more than the asking price. But then again, we've been wrong in the past and we'll be wrong in the future, so we'll just have to wait with baited breath like all the other real estate queens out there and see what transpires.

Caprice Bourret's Natty Notting Hill House

SELLER: Caprice Bourret
LOCATION: Notting Hill, London
PRICE: £7,500,000
SIZE: 4,530 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 4.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: A beautifully presented semi-detached, five bedroom Victorian stucco fronted family house occupying approximately 4,530 sq ft over four floors only, with the advantage of a south-facing garden and off-street parking for at least two cars. This unusually wide house has been substantially rebuilt and now offers fabulous entertaining space, including a largely open-plan ground floor and a swimming pool on the lower ground floor.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Some of the children will know Miss Caprice Bourret for being a gorgeous gal about London who hobnobs with all manner of rich and famous folks. Others will remember her as the Wonderbra mo-dell who went on to produce her own line of ladees lingerie called, not surprisingly, Caprice. Still others will remember when Miss Bourret bared her eternally perky palookas in the pages of Playboy back in 2000. But Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter know this US born and London-based ex-pat from her d-list star turn on the always embarrassing and highly entertaining Surreal Life reality program during which Miss Bourret sweet talked publicity hungry power slugger Jose Canseco to put on a pair of itty bitty ladees underwear. Do any of the children remember that spectacular piece of near pornographic boob-toob deelishushness?

Anyhoo, Your Mama recently heard from our jet setting tipster with the distinguished Greek surname that Miss Boo-ray has recently put her lovely London townhouse in the natty Notting Hill area on the market with an asking price of £7,500,000. A quick flick of the trusty beads on Your Mama's bejeweled abacus tells us that asking price converts to $13,478,475 at today's rates. Now listen children, Your Mama can not with 100% certainty say this fine four floor townhouse belongs to Miss Boo-ray, so remember that when you go gossiping about this to your pals.

According to listing information the 5 bedroom and 4.5 bathroom Victorian era house has been extensively and beautifully remodeled. Clearly much if not all of the ornate detailing that would have been present in this house when it was built has been stripped away and replaced with a crisp and clean lined house with nary a molding in sight and only the simplest of baseboards.

While we're certain some of the architectural purists out there will scream and yell about how the innards of this house have been raped and ruined, but Your Mama isn't going there. Of course we believe in architectural preservation as much as the next real estate nut job, but that does not mean we aren't also appreciative of contemporary spaces fitted gracefully into historical shells.

Your Mama is particularly drawn to the well resolved and open plan layout on the ground floor and we pleased and punch that the smart and clever architect pushed the sleek and sexy kitchen and the breakfast room booth (yes, children, that is a booth) to the rear of the residence where it not only offers easy egress to the petite but dee-voonly serene rear garden, but also so that residents and guests will not be forced to stare at a sink full of post dinner party dishes as they sip and expensive digestif in the drawing room.

As for the day-core, well quite frankly we find it to be bold, daring and over all, very well done. Do we care for every swatch of fabric or every stick of furniture? Well no, of course not. In fact that black lacquer cabinet on the rear wall of the drawing room looks like it came out of some Eastern European hotel circa 1982 and we're positive there is a better entertainment cabinet/storage solution out there. We know we'll take considerable heat for this, but we're swooning over the suite of ten orange dining room chairs which practically vibrate with happiness in an otherwise nearly colorless room. We do not, however, care for the cock-eyed placement of the table, an all too common decorating misdemeanor Your Mama would be happy to see stricken from the interior decorating play books.

The second floor master suite offers a large enough bedroom space in which to get away when there are house guests and children roaming around and the tiny terrace is the perfect spot for swinging in the humongous hammock taking care not to fall out and down into the rear garden one floor below or through the long kitchen sky light because that would be a bummer. While Your Mama is quite keen on the layout of the dressing room and master bathroom which is perfectly anchored by a large soaking tub and a magnificent mirrored wall, we are by no means an exhibitionist so the floor to ceiling windows that look out towards the street are a concern.

The top floor features four modestly sized family bedrooms, one with a private pooper and a second bathroom that is shared by the three other bedrooms. The lower ground floor, a space that in the U-nited States is called the basement, includes a windowless room currently used as a music studio and a home gym area adjacent to the small indoor swimming pool. Your Mama is perpetually soo-prised how many swimming pools there are in the basements of of swanky London houses. We can only hope the pool water is kept bacteria free using ultra-violet light or that entire space would just reek to high heaven of chlorine.

The children will note that on the back wall of the swimming pool area is a large screen for viewing films. We can't say that we'd like to scootch down into a bean bag next to some sort of exercise torture machine and watch a movie, but we're sure those circumstances would not bother everyone.

We understand, but can not confirm, that Miss Bourret also maintains a house in South Africa, a country home in Gloucestershire as well a number of properties in the United States. Say what you will about this pretty face, but she's very successfully parlayed her Barbie doll good looks and perfectly round mammaries into a multi-million dollar empire that would make most entrepreneurs weep with envy.

Your Mama Hears...

...From a very reliable source we'll call Katty Katrina that in early August of 2008 gajillionaire Google guy Sergey Brin and his lucky wifey Anne plunked down $8,500,000 for a doo-plex penthouse on Greenwich Street in Manhattan's once boho now uber-posh West Village neighborhood.

Now children, we can not confirm this purchase with 100% certitude because the buyer of the 3,457 square foot building topper obfuscated their identity by purchasing the condominium through a bizness entity. So at this point, the purchase is just rumor and gossip. However, all the property records Your Mama was able to dig up concerning this purchase point back to an attorney in Menlo Park, CA which is, of course, not far from Mister Brin's gigantic Googleplex in Mountain View, CA and Katty Katrina, a gabby gal with a well manicured finger on the pulse of all things swanky in the downtown environs, has never, ever steered Your Mama wrong the real estate doings of the rich and famous in Noo York City.

According to listing information for the 4 bedroom and 3.5 bathroom penthouse that rides astride a brand new, boo-teek sized building, the main floor of the sleek white walled unit includes a private elevator entrance that drops the wildly rich college dropout di-rectly into the apartment and a 48-foot living and dining room space anchored by a long an glorious stretch of walnut floors and a gas fireplace pushed up into one corner. A smallish but very pricey Bulthaup kitchen offers Mister and Missus Google top notch stainless steel appliances and Carrara marble counter tops. The main floor is completed by two bedrooms (one with a private pooper and one with a bathroom across the hallway) and a large master bedroom with a private terrace, and a good amount of closet space.

The penthouse level consists entirely of a giant window wrapped room surrounded by 1,200 square foot of private terrace. Tucked back into the corner of this massive and light filled room is a half bathroom and a wet bar which will spare Mister and Missus Google from having to climb a flight of stairs every time they feel the urge for a gin and tonic and a bag of Cheetos.

Your Mama confesses that if this condo was indeed purchased by the Google gajillionaire (and we think it was), we are absolutely impressed with the couple's real estate modesty. Because let's be honest children, according to the folks at Forbes, young Mister Brin has a net worth somewhere near twenty billion bucks and he could easily afford to scoop up Tommy Hilfiger's $50,000,000 flip penthouse at The Plaza or one of those heart stoppingly high-priced resale units at the Robert A.M. Stern dee-zined 15 Central Park West.

Rider and Shiloh Strong List Laurel Canyon Cabin

SELLERS: Rider and Shiloh Strong
LOCATION: Wonderland Ave, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $1,260,000
SIZE: 1,927 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: ...All of the original charm of a 1920s Laurel Canyon home available to you in 2008. The lg rm features 20 foot ceilings allowing light to flow in from the skylights & flr to ceiling windows. The ornate frpl adds to the ambiance of the home. Beautiful hrdwd planked flrs flow throughout the home reminiscent of the charms & details of the 20's era. The mstr bdrm features a frpl & priv. patio...

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Thanks to an lovely afternoon communique from our even lovelier tipster East Side Edna, Your Mama was pointed towards a listing in the Laurel Canyon area of Los Angeles that is being offered for sale at $1,260,000.

According to East Side Edna (and confirmed with prop records), the multi-colored boho haven on Wonderland Avenue is currently owned by the politically motivated, exceptionally educated and pornographically named former child actor Rider Strong, best known for his role as the affable bad boy next door on Boy Meets World who went on to appear in other films and boob-toob programs such as Cabin Fever, Kim Possible, and Pepper Dennis. Property records reveal that the 1,926 square foot house is also owned by Rider Strong's less successful older actor brother Shiloh. A quick search of the interweb tells Your Mama that Shiloh was also a child actor and in addition to appearing in 28 episodes of a mid-1990s television program Your Mama has never even heard of called The Mommies, he's more recently popped up on programs such as 24 and CSI: Crime Scene Investigation. Who knew?

Anyhoo, prop records indicate the Strong brothers bought their 1920s era cabin on Wonderland Avenue in October off 2005 for $1,150,000. A quick flick of the well worn beads on our bejeweled abacus tells Your Mama that when taking into account real estate fees, transfer costs and carrying charges, the Mssrs. Strong will not be making much (if any) moolah from the sale of this house even if they are lucky enough to find someone willing to pay the full asking price.

Listing information for the 1,927 square foot 4 bedroom and 2 bathroom house in the hills shows that the living room features a fireplace and a very high 20' ceiling, the dining room has a wonderful wall of paned windows, a the kitchen looks like something from Mama Cass's days in Laurel Canyon. The large master bedroom includes a second fireplace and a private patio. Outdoor spaces include several shaded and private courtyards and decks perfect for napping in a hammock or, for the yogically inclined, contorting one's body into unnatural shapes while listening to the rustle of leaves.

Obviously, Your Mama is all betwixt and beyond bothered by the obscene color scheme throughout this house which proves two things to us. Number one, never paint every room a different color unless you like making your guests feel on edge and number two, it's really best not to smoke grass before visiting the paint store.

Also worrisome to our rather delicate sensibilities are the large amount of brown leather furniture–we note three brown leather sofas when one is plenty for any house of this size–and most troublesome to Your Mama are those startling spiral thingamajigs mounted on the wall in both the living room and master bedroom. What in the name of Jeezis are those things? Could they be some sort of hippy-dippy dream catcher? Or perhaps they're some sort of representation of the infinity of space? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller? Whatever these things are, they give Your Mama hee-cups of hysteria and we recommend no one repeat this look in their own home.

But of course, paint is easily changed and all that brown leather and those upsetting spiral hoozy-goozies will be trucked out by the Strong boys once the house is sold. Although even Your Mama has a difficult time seeing past all the many decorating crimes here, we also think that if the interiors spaces were completely cleared out, given a fresh coat of white paint and the kitchen overhauled so that it does not look like something from a 1970s vegan commune. this may actually be a very sweet little house in the woods.

Your Mama hasn't a clue where the Mssrs. Strong will be headed, but we sincerely wish them all the best in selling their canyon cabin and we sincerely hope one of them will give us a ring-a-ling when it comes time to decorate their next homes.

Tamara Mellon's New Jimmy Choo-plex

BUYER: Tamara Mellon
LOCATION: East 95th Street, New York, NY
PRICE: $20,000,000
SIZE: 7,140 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms (as per listing)
DESCRIPTION: The present 7,140sf duplex penthouse encompasses 10 rooms and 6 fabulous terraces all enhanced with the finest finishes and appointments. Amount the primary rooms are a grand 40' LR w/ 12' ceiling, 22' FDR, 20' WEIK and maid's quarters. There are options to create a master suite on the upper level with access to a sun filled 48' x 20' terrace and another 5th bedroom.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: All the New York City nabobs and snooty international real estate queens like Your Mama have done chewed their fingernails to the nubbins wondering and worrying was to become of the palatial penthouse doo-plex of the newly cut up Carhart Mansion which booze baron and entertainment tycoon Edgar Bronfman Jr. scooped up in November of 2007 for $18,750,000 and promptly put back on the market in less time than it takes a hooker to straighten her skirt and reapply lipstick.

Well children, thanks to vaunted celebrity real estate gossip Braden Keil at the NY Post, now we know. After reducing the asking price to $21,750,000, the penthouse on East 95th street was snatched up by an early forty something and exceedingly rich international socialite and bizness ladee named Tamara Mellon for a reported $20,000,000.

While Your Mama realizes that most middle class mall walkers probably know diddly-squat about Miz Moneybags Mellon, the long haired broo-nette is a particularly well shod regular on the international social circuit having been married to (and bitterly dee-vorced from) troubled oil and banking heir Matthew Mellon of the insanely rich Pittsburgh Mellon family, natch. However, Miz Mellon doesn't live like the jet setting pampered princess she is on the back of on her ex-huzbands big fat (and inherited) bank account, she's also an enormously successful and well respected bizness woman in her own right who with the financial assistance of her rich daddy founded the Jimmy Choo shoo empire and subsequently transformed the swanky brand into a must-have among shoe fetishists and others who think $600 or more for a pair of strappy summer sandals is not only affordable, but also a reasonable price to pay.

According to Mister Keil, Miz Mellon lives primarily in London with her young daughter so why the former party queen turned shoe queen needs a tremendous $20,000,000 Manhattan pied a terre with taxes and maintenance fees in excess of $25,000 per month is a bit of a mystery to common pee-pole like Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter who do not run in the same couture-clad crowd as Miz Mellon.

According to listing information for the East 95th Street doo-plex penthouse, Miz Mellon's new Choo-plex measures in at 7,140 square feet. The dee-luxe digs appear to be currently configured with four principle bedrooms, four full and 2 half bathrooms plus one punishingly puny staff room and bath tucked back behind the kitchen.

The principal rooms include a forty-one foot living room with a wood buring fireplace, herringbone patterned par-kay flooring and access to a both an enclosed solarium and one of the penthouse's half dozen terraces. A second wood burning fireplace warms the formal dining room and a 320 square foot kitchen is well lit by a wall of windows and three sky lights.

All four bedrooms, including the master with its dual dressing room and large bathroom are on the main level and, unfortunately, flank the public spaces. The entire second floor of the penthouse is devoted almost entirely to a large room labeled "solarium" on the floor plan. A windowless half bathroom and a pantry area for whipping up snacks without having to expend the energy to walk down a flight of stairs fill out the remainder of the second floor square footage.

Quite frankly, Your Mama thinks the current configuration sucks. Not only do we find the traffic pattern constipated and quirky in an annoying way, the children will note with some flabbergast that the current layout in this hideously expensive apartment does not even include a damn library or a proper laundry room for Lucinda the Laundress to work her stain removal magic every Tuesday and Thursday mornings.

Fortunately, according to listing information, the seller–that would be Mister Edgar Bronfman Jr.–hired a smart architect to rework and re-imagine the floor plan. We have included that plan on the right of the floor plan image. Your Mama can only hope that the Christian Slater dater has a Birkin bag full of bucks left over after buying this big apartment in order to implement at least some of the ideas in Mister Bronfman's much more resolved and better considered floor plan.

So what do the children think? Which is the better layout? What works? What doesn't? Do any of you spatially inclined types want to take a crack at redesigning the floor plan? If Your Mama gets a few floor plan choices to choose from we'll pop them online next week and let the children bicker and vote for their favorite.

Your Mama isn't sure to which high priced property Mister Bronfman will be decamping with his half dozen children. What we do know is that in the last few years he dumped a reported $31,00,000 on a big house in Bridgehampton, flipped an (approx.) $20,000,000 co-operative apartment in Jackie-O's old building at 1040 Fifth Avenue as well as sold an extravagantly scaled East 64th Street townhouse for $50,000,000. Most recently he finally unloaded a 6 bedroom and 7.5 bathroom house on 3.2 acres in Amagansett which was last listed at $14,700,000.

Producer Andrew Lazar Lists Los Angeles House

SELLER: Andrew Lazar
LOCATION: N. Clark Street, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $6,950,000
SIZE: 5,014 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 7.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Tuscan Villa of unparalleled quality and detail. Featuring distressed walnut floors, Roman courtyard, coffered ceilings, wrought iron details, game room, bar, 2 separate guest suites, gym, spa, pool and amazing city views.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Alright children, simmer down now. Your Mama already knows that most of you haven't an iota who this Andrew Lazar person is. We didn't either until about an hour ago. However, if y'all bothered to spend a few minutes searching the interweb before screechin' and hollerin' at Your Mama you'd quickly discover that Mister Lazar is an eclectic and successful film producer with big money making credits such at 10 Things I Hate About You, Cats & Dogs, Confessions of a Dangerous Mind and, most recently, the cinematic re-make of the fantabulous 1960s Mel Brooks television gem Get Smart.

At the present moment, it's unclear to Your Mama if Mister Lazar actually occupies this house or if he's leased it out to someone with deep pockets and an admirable ability not to clutter up a house with too much furniture and knick knacks. However, even if he doesn't shack up here, property records do reveal that the forty something producer purchased the house in August of 1995 for an undisclosed sum of money. We are certain one of you clever kids (or perhaps Mister Big Time) will be turn up that number, but a run through the records and databases that we use revealed nada. What we do know is that the 5,014 square foot house on Los Angeles' N. Clark Street was recently listed with an only very rich people need bother to look asking price of $6,950,000.

Listing information for the so-called "Tuscan Villa" with its "Roman courtyard" indicates that the 5 bedroom and 7.5 bathroom mini-estate includes a large living room and a dining room with be-yoo-tee-fully arched French doors. There is also an eat in kitchen with giant Viking range, a den, a rose colored family room, a puse painted library and, natch, a media room which all the Hollywood types will appreciate.

Somewhere, according to listing information, amid all those tile and walnut floored rooms are an art studio and a dance studio. While these may be lovely and functional rooms to have at home if you're Lucien Freud or Britney Spears, we expect that most people would prefer a home gym or a wine cellar to a ballet barre. The property also includes two separate (and we think that means detached) guest suites, a set up Your Mama find highly desirable. We cotton to the notion of being able to put up over night guests without fretting and fearing them spotting Your Mama roaming the house butt-nekkid in the middle of the night looking for a candy snack. That's right! Who can be bothered with a damn robe while crawling around half asleep with a deep need for a handful of cinnamon covered almonds at 3:30 am? Pleeze!

Anyhoo, other dee-luxe amenities that rich folks will appreciate include the sky high hedges which will help thwart the prying eyes of paps and nosy neighbors, a secure and gated driveway, a total of five fireplaces, including one on the Saltillo tile paved patio next to the skinny swimming pool, and a stair case in the living room that is just begging for the regular and dramatic greeting of guests.

But even though we'd certainly be willing to have a look-see at this property iffin we had six and some million clams to spend on a house in Tinseltown, which we don't, there are still a number of mostly resolvable issues that catch in our snarky craw:

1. The kitchen. Yes, children, it's big and has all those dee-lishus Viking appliances, but the ornate cabinetry with all those turned spindle things looks like it might be better suited to a freshly built behemoth in suburban Calabasas.

2. The master bathroom. We can tolerate the scalloped aluminum sinks (although just barely), but we can not abide by the $36.00 Home Despot light fixture above the vanity and we get the hives looking at that etched glass shower door. Your Mama's decorating rule #38 vehemently declares that no matter how expensive they may be, etched glass shower doors always look cheap and should be avoided whenever possible. Good lahwd children, Your Mama loathes those horrid things almost as much as we detest pot racks. Seriously. We'd sooner see a two dollar plastic shower curtain than some stoopid crane or mermaid etched into a glass panel.

3. The motor court. The pavered drive looks to be entirely too small in which to turn a limo around. This means, of course, that red carpet types will need to make an undignified walk down the steep driveway in heels and gowns unless the limo driver is skilled enough to reverse his long black behemoth up the curving driveway.

4. We're also a wee bit unsure how we feel about that crow's nest terrace hoozy-goozy thing sitting up on the roof with the intricate wrought iron canopy. While we do imagine that is a lovely spot to while away a sultry Southern California afternoon catching up on all the gossip glossies and gazing over the little people below, we're concerned about the very real possibility of having that intricate iron work pattern turn up on sunburnt skin like some sort of henna tattoo.

Although we're certain that some of you snobby sorts will gripe and grouse that the location of this house is lacking due to the fact that residents and guests must pilot their Porsches' and motor their Mercedes' past all the less than posh apartment houses that line N. Clark Street just above Sunset Boo-lee-vard, it hasn't stopped any number of rich and famous folks from buying up properties in the area. For a number of years durty mommy X-Tina Aguilera lived up the road on Devlin Drive in a exuberantly designed house currently for sale at $7,995,000 and last year super boob-toob producer Aaron Sorkin dumped $6,100,000 on a slick and recently rehabbed house just around the corner from Mister Lazar's property. When she decided to spend more time in New York, super model Giselle Bundchen took in $3,980,000 when sold her west coast base on Devlin Drive and just around the corner on itty bitty Ozeta Terrace is really rich Yahoo! heiress and alleged lezbian about Los Angeles Courtenay Semel's house that she was rumored and reported to share Sapphically with Lindsay Lohan before the on the skids ack-tress traded Miss Semel in for celebrity dj Samantha Ronson.

Your Mama doesn't have a clue where Mister Lazar lives if not here, nor are we 100% sure about the extent of his real estate portfolio. However, property records do show that he also owns a ski retreat in Mammoth Lakes and we would not be soo-prised to learn that he scooped up a property in Arizona where according to the 411 on the Internet Movie Data Base, his blond lady friend and fiancee Erica Zodtner works as a CBS news anchor.

Richie Sambora Buys Philadelphia Condo

BUYER: Richie Sambora
LOCATION: 2 Liberty Place, Philadelphia, PA
PRICE: $3,580,000
SIZE: 2,600 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Listen children, we know we're a little late to the publicity rodeo ring on this one, but we're gonna discuss it anyway. According to piles of reports, rehabbed Bon Jovi gee-tarist and gossip glossy favorite Richie Sambora dropped a record breaking amount of money for a sky-high condominium in downtown Philadelphia.

Philadelphia? For reals? Ain't a thing wrong with Philadelphia children, but it's just not a city we expect an L.A.-based rock star with an L.A.-based gurlfriend to be snatching up a high priced condo.

Your Mama really has no idea why the aging rock star, a native New Jersian who reportedly also owns homes in Los Angeles and Laguna Beach, would spend three and some million clams on an apartment in Philadelphia. Maybe he's got a thing for American history? Or maybe he has a burning desire to be near Pat's King of Steaks where he can eat all the cheese covered meat his heartburn can handle? Or maybe, just maybe, he figures that Philly is a very long way away from his anxiety prone ex-wifey Heather Locklear and his publicity hungry former luvergurl Denise Richards? Could be. But the truth is Your Mama don't know nuthin' from nuthin about Mister Sambora's real estate motivations children, so don't anybody quote us on our nonsensical brain farting.

Anyhoo, Mister Sambora's new crib in the clouds high above The City of Brotherly Love, for which he paid a reported $3,580,000, is said to be on the 52 floor of the unimaginatively named The Residences at Two Liberty Place. According to the building's website Mister Sambora's three bedroom and 3.5 bathroom unit measures in at 2,600 square feet and encompasses two glassy corners of the pointy Helmut Jahn designed mixed use tower which has the not entirely impressive distinction of being the third tallest skyscraper in all of Philadelphia.

The floor plan shows that Mister Sambora will lay claim to a corner living/dining room, a well equipped kitchen and a small, windowless office space where his personal assistant can toil away without being seen or heard. Given the windowless location di-rectly across from the windowless kitchen, Your Mama sincerely hopes that Mister Sambora's dinner guests will refrain from making messy post-dinner B.Ms in the powder room. Each of the bedrooms includes a private pooper and a reasonable amount of closet space, both dee-lishus details. However, the bedrooms share long walls which for obvious reasons Your Mama hopes have been sound proofed.

The children will please keep in mind that the photos here depict model units and not the chosen day-core of Mister Sambora. Although we suspect (and hope) that Mister Sambora is not the bulky black leather sofa type of man, we don't imagine he's planning on having his nice gay decorator do up his new nest in a palette of hot pink and black. We only included these pictures to give y'all and idea of the generous window sizes that provide glittery if vertigo inducing views over Philadelphia.

While in residence, Mister Sambora will have access to the building's long list of amenities which include white glove staff service, concierge, a private heath club with exercise equipment, spa treatment rooms and an indoor swimming pool, an owners club where residents can hobnob with other residents while sipping sherry and reading the paper, a card room for all the folks like Your Mama that swoon over a cribbage board, refrigerated storage for grocery deliveries, a bizness center, a pet care center, a private mail room as well as room service from and preferred seating in the 37th floor restaurant.

That's right children, really rich rock stars with frizzy hair don'ts like to be pampered just like all the other fancy folks out there.

Tommy Hilfiger Flipping Out at The Plaza

SELLER: Tommy Hilfiger
LOCATION: 768 Fifth Avenue, New York, NY
PRICE: $50,000,000 ($11,340/month taxes and maintenance)
SIZE: 6,000 square feet (approx.), 4 bedrooms, 4.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: ...The eight room duplex on the 18th and 19th floors has incredible views and light. It is delivered unfinished and can be finished to the buyer's specifications...It contains the "Dome" which is one of the most recognizable architectural features of the iconic Plaza as well as other interesting architectural details. All this and a private terrace overlooking Central Park.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: This morning Your Mama discussed the $60,000,000 PickFair listing in Beverly Hills, so let's stick with the big money theme and mosey on over to Manhattan this afternoon and have a little look-see at the unfinished corner penthouse unit at The Plaza being flipped by retail fashion tycoon Tommy Hilfiger for a blistering $50,000,000.

All the children surely already know that the legendary Plaza Hotel–an establishment where Your Mama's luxe-luvin' mama used to enjoy lunching when she visited the Big Apple–has been converted into an uber high end condominium development where that chain smoking strip of leather that is Donatella Versace designed the model units which enticed boo-coo bucks buyers to drop butt loads of money on high priced pee-ed-a-tears with massive monthly fees and access to dee-luxe 5-star hotel services including (but not limited to) maid and concierge service, valet parking, limousine service, nanny and pet care services, and fresh flower delivery.

Some of the deep pocketed buyers who will be swaddled and coddled in ornate moldings, walnut bordered herringbone par-kay floors, Calacatta marble and intricate mosaic tile accents include tanlicious lesbian money guru Suze Orman, boxing glove baron Jerry Kokes, a whole bunch of finance industry figures Your Mama has never heard of as well as a number of Latin American magnates whose names ring no bells of familiarity in our booze addled brain. Natch, a good number of really rich Russians have also parked rafts of rubles at The Plaza including a little known Russian hedge hog named Andrei Vavilov who reportedly went to contract to purchase a $53,500,000 triplex penthouse but changed his damn mind and is now spitting, foot stomping and suing mad because he wants his ten-plus million dollar deposit back.

But, as usual, we digress. Records indicate that Mister Wildly Rich Hilfiger the House Flipper only closed on his two-unit doo-plex in July of 2008 for what appears to be $25,048,673, a figure our bejeweled abacus tells us means the toothy 50-something year old apparel baron hopes to earn himself a twenty-plus million dollar profit for flipping the unfinished penthouse after just two months of actual ownership. Now that children, takes some seriously steely real estate testiculas, don't it?

Although it appears that Mister Hilfiger went ahead and combined his two units via a curving staircase and that he also went through the bother of erecting what Braden Keil at the New York Post so succinctly called "essential walls," the doo-plex is being offered as ree-donkulously expensive raw space since neither Mister Hilfiger nor his team of nice gay decorators went so far as to finish the approximately 6,000 square foot space with acres of baby booty soft cashmere applied to the walls or to install aged persimmon dyed goat skin on the powder room floor.

So what does fifty million smackers buy at The Plaza if not rare and unexpected finishes such as limestone quarried at an exorbitant cost and mortal danger from the bottom of the Amnokgang River? As far as Your Mama can tell it buys a small corner of the 18th floor that includes a nearly 500 square foot living room that faces Fifth Avenue but does not feature a fireplace and a claustrophobically windowless dining room that leads to a small and sexy circular room beneath the famous dome. On the park side of the 18th floor, we find a decent sized but wee-windowed room where a gore-may kitchen with all the a-coo-tra-mah will (hopefully) be installed, a library with a stellar view of Central Park and another windowless room marked as a home office on the floor plan.

Upstairs, on the 19th floor, three family bedrooms are planned, two with private poopers and a third with a terlit located down the hall. The children will note that all the bathrooms are windowless creating a potentially disgusting olfactory sitch-u-ay-shun if artificial ventilation is not powerfully top notch. A small, windowless and seemingly useless sitting room acts as a too-wide hallway leading to the laundry room. We imagine this is where the domestic staff were meant to keep their purses and eat their meager meals. The reasonably sized but nearly windowless master bedroom includes two walk in closets/dressing rooms, a windowless bathroom and a small terrace located behind the dome that hangs over Central Park. If anyone were to ask Your Mama, and of course no one will, we'd try to figure a way to move that long narrow dressing room to the south wall of the master suite in order to give the bedroom an actual view of the park and better access to the terrace without having to pad down an otherwise useless L-shaped hallway.

Listen children, we understand (and hope) that a new owner may choose to tweak and re-work the layout, but for fifty million clams, Your Mama wants to be able to entertain guests on the modestly sized terrace without having to drag them through the master bedroom where they might succumb to an uncontrollable urge to peep into our night stands when we're not watching them like a mommy hawk watching babies in her nest.

This is not the first time that the real estate fickle Mister Hilfiger has flipped a high priced property very quickly after purchasing. After renting it for a truck load of cash to Moneybags Mariah Cary in August of 2007, Mister Hilfiger made bank when recently sold an ocean front house in East Hampton with a Bali inspired day-core that he'd bought a just year earlier. The high end house flipper also recently put his just completed (approx.) 20,000 square foot mansion in the super swank Greenwich, CT back country on the market with an asking price of $24,900,000 (significantly reduced from its original asking price of $27,900,000).

It remains to be seen whether Mister Hilfiger will get anywhere near fifty million bucks for his unfinished doo-plex, but like the PickFair listing, the price guarantees a plethora of publicity and heaps breathless coverage by all the real estate gossips. But if we had to bet our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly on the outcome, we'd say that given Mister Hilfiger's history making money flipping mansions, he will come out with many millions more than the hundreds of millions rich man already has.

PickFair Hits the Market at a High Price

SELLER: Corry Hong
LOCATION: Summit Drive, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $60,000,000
SIZE: 25,243 square feet, 17 bedrooms, 30 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: An opportunity to own an important piece of real estate in the history of Beverly Hills, and the most famous home in America of the 1920s. The legendary estate, known worldwide as PickFair was once the home of Mary Pickford & Douglas Fairbanks, Sr., The Wallace Neff Georgian manor design now awaits your restoration to a 21st century masterpiece.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Well children, it looks like yet another exuberantly pricey property has hit the market in Los Angeles' Platinum Triangle. The historically significant estate known as PickFair, currently owned by Korean-born bizness man Corry Hong, has just popped up on the MLS with a sensational $60,000,000 asking price that is just begging and pleading for the attention of all the real estate gossips.

Your Mama, noted snark and cynic smells a publicity rat. However, before we get to the deets of Mister Hong's hugh-mon-gus house, let's see if Your Mama can manage to swing through the history of the fabled property without putting the children to sleep. Okay then, hold on to your seat belts my puppies, because brevity is, unfortunately, not one of our alleged talents.

Back in the 1920s, silent film super star Mary Pickford and her dee-voonly mustachioed huzband Douglas Fairbanks forked over a reported $35,000 for this hilltop property on swanky Summit Drive the Hills of Beverly. The newly acquired Pickford/Fairbanks property spread over (approx.) 15 acres of what was then, of course, just a Beverly Hills backwood and included only a small hunting cabin.

Mister and Missus Fairbanks, perhaps the Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie of their time, spent a small fortune transforming the cabin into a magnificent mansion with (approx.) 22 rooms, a copper roof and scads of green gables. The couple dubbed their impressive new crib PickFair and famously entertained a long list of the Hollywood who's who as well as any number of international society folks and royal types. In the early 1930s, legendary architect Wallace Neff designed two new wings which brought the room count to around 42, including 8 staff rooms. The couple reportedly occupied opposite wings of the manse until 1936 when they had a dee-vorce. Miss Pickford remained at PickFair with her new huzband Buddy Rogers where she ran a white glove household and later came to live like a virtual recluse famously "visiting" with her big name guests by telephone...she upstairs in her bedroom, they downstairs.

After Miss Pickford died in the house in 1979, the property was sold in 1980 to Los Angeles Laker's owner Jerry Buss for $5,362,500. Mister Buss made some updates and restorations but decided not to stay long and sold the house in 1988 to Israeli multi-millionaire biznessman Meshulam Riklis and his wifey, the campy sex kitten pseudo-ack-tress Pia Zadora. The couple paid a reported $6,675,000 for the estate that now measured just 2.7 acres. In the course of making renovations and adding such celebrity necessities as a massage room and a beauty parlor, the splashy pair discovered the guts of the big house were riddled and ruined with termites.

So they tore PickFair down. Yes, they did. Some say the couple committed an architectural crime of the highest magnitude by destroying a prime piece of Hollywood history while others agree that the house was simply beyond repair and razing the residence was their only real option. Whatever the case, high-toned architect Peter Marino was hired to design the new house. If anyone were to ask Your Mama, which of course no one did, Pia's new and not necessarily improved PickFair came out looking like a heavily dee-tailed and over wrought faux Georgian/Venetian/Italianate architectural hot mess. But then again, what do we know?

Anyhoo, as so few do in tawdry world of Tinseltown, the Zadora/Riklis marriage didn't last. Miss Pia remained at her precious faux-PickFair until sometime in late 2005 or early 2006 when she sold the high maintenance monster manse to Korean-born biznessman Corry Hong for $17,650,000, which is a lot of damn money, but a far cry from than the $39,500,000 she originally asked for her little slice of Bev Hills real estate history.

According to property records and listing information, the hotel sized house now measures 25,243 square feet and while the main house has only 4 principal bedrooms the total number of bedrooms comes to 17, a number which we presume includes those in guest and staff quarters. All those many sleeping chambers are, natch, complemented by a shocking and upsetting number of bathrooms...thirty according to listing information. Yes children, thirty! Your Mama just hopes the terlit gurls get worker's compensation as part of their pay package, because you know those poor bee-hawtchas are going to wind up with some serious Carpal Tunnel from all that swirling and scrubbing every damn day of their life.

In addition to the many vast and ornately detailed public rooms–many of which can be seen here–interior amenities include a den, library/study, office, lanai, a home gym (people this rich do not go to Crunch), a private projection room for 12 or more, an indoor spa with a glass dome ceiling, a wine cellar and a disco, because every private home needs a damn disco. Other multi-millionaire necessities include gated drive ways, all manner of security, subterranean parking for 18 fancy automobiles, at least 4 fireplaces and an elevator. Your Mama wonders if Mister Hong left Miss Pia's beauty parlor in place so that he and his family would not have to bear the indignity of being seen in the waiting area of Beverly Hills hair guru Federic Fekkai.

The grounds include plenty of large and flat lawn areas perfect for gin fueled games of late night Bocci, several play structures for the kiddies, the original and gigantic swimming pool with cabana, terraced gardens and several fountains and outdoor sculptures which according to the listing can be negotiated as part of the sale price.

Your Mama remembers hearing or reading somewhere in the depths of our gin soaked mind that at the time of the renovation/re-build Miss Pia demanded the exquisite free-form swimming pool be surrounded in black granite...a costly and feet searing mistake that had to be corrected as soon as it was completed. Does anyone else remember that bit of real estate rumor and gossip or did we just make it up?

Now then, let's whip out or trusty bejeweled abacus and run some numbers. In late 2005 or early 2006, Mister Hong paid $17,650,000 for the estate that now passes for PickFair. Given that the property listing states that the property "awaits your restoration to a 21st century masterpiece," we gather that the house is a long way from perfection and may require the new owner take on renovation projects that could include the massive expense and high-drama of renovating 30 bathrooms.

So then, with all due respect to those who determine these things, just where does this $60,000,000 asking price come from? Has this property really more than tripled in value in just two or three short years?

Could Mister Hong and his advisers be hoping and praying that with the Widow Spelling's rumored to be $125,000,000 asking price for her 56,000 square foot Holmby Hills behemoth, that this fixer upper will not only look cozy at half the size but also a bargain at less than half the price? Could be. Who knows? What is clear is that Mister Hong and his fat asking price will get heaps and loads of attention from all the real estate gossips around the world...or at least we'd bet our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly he will.

As far as we know, Miss Pia remains in the 7 bedroom and 9 bathroom Pacific Palisades mansion she purchased on San Remo Drive in 2005 for $8,300,000.

Robert Chartoff's Knockout in Malibu

SELLERS: Robert and Vanessa Chartoff
LOCATION: Grayfox Street, Malibu, CA
PRICE: $8,750,000
SIZE: 3,220 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Sun drenched Cliff May Mediterranean ranch home. Dwellings total 4,500 S.F., consisting of 3 BR. + 2.5 BA. 3,200 S.F. main house, det. maid's quarters, det. guest suite + 1 BR. guest house overlooking terraced walking trail-orchard with lush, mature fruit trees. All rooms exposed to abundant light from the courtyard, gardens and English rose garden. Includes private beach rights to Riviera 3...

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: As we perused through the magnificent Malee-boo listings over the weekend day-dreaming of a house where we could be lulled to sleep at night listening to the roiling surf, Your Mama came across a high priced puppy on Point Dume designed by the legendary architect Cliff May, a man known as the big Kahuna of Kalifornia ranch style homes who championed and pioneered the classic California indoor/outdoor lifestyle. Being a born and raised Calee-for-ñun who grew up barefoot on the beach, Your Mama is a huge fan of Mister May's long and low sprawlers. But unfortunately, due to its dream killing $8,750,000 asking price, we can't touch this knockout of a property with a ten foot pole.

Therefore we pacified our thwarted real estate longing with a few pokes and prods around in the public property records, and lo and behold we found that the Cliff May designed Mediterranean on Malee-boo's Grayfox Street is owned by another legend of a different stripe. According to all the 411 Your Mama dug up, this house is owned by legendary film producer Robert Chartoff and his wifey Vanessa. In case the children don't know or are too lazy to take to the interweb themselves, Mister Chartoff is the Academy Award winning man responsible for such big box office hits as The Right Stuff, Raging Bull, and of course, the Rocky franchise, which has inexplicably ballooned to include six money making feature films.

While Your Mama would bet our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly that Mister Sylvester Stallone is exceedingly grateful for Mister Chartoff's three decade plus commitment to making movies about that dumb ass boxer Rocky Balboa, we find Mister Stallone difficult to stomach as an actor and we have zee-ro interest in paying good money to sit through a movie that revolves around inarticulate grown men smacking each other around, even if they are muscled and nearly nood. But, as usual, we digress...

Information provided to Your Mama by a secret source we'll call the Malibu Minx indicates that Mister and Missus Chartoff purchased their Malee-boo mini-manse in February of 2002 for $2,500,000. A quick flick of the beads on our trusty and bejeweled abacus reveals that with it's current asking price of $8,750,000, Mister and Missus Chartoff are looking to multiply their money by 3.5 in just six or seven years. It remains to be seen whether the property will sell for any where near that asking price, but children, be honest, doesn't everyone wish they dumped a little cash into the Malee-boo market 8 or 10 years ago? We know we do.

Listing information and public records for the 1 acre property indicate that the main house was built in 1960, measures in at a modest 3,220 square feet and includes 3 bedrooms and 2.5 bathrooms. Other features and amenities in the main house include a gated motor court, living and dining rooms, natch, 2 fireplaces, a wine cellar and an office. A central courtyard, into which many of the main rooms open, contains a heated trapezoidal swimming pool perfect for skinny dipping when the Pacific Ocean is too cold...which it is usually is.

Listing information also indicates that in addition to the bedrooms and and bathrooms in the main house, there are also detached maid's quarters with bath (isn't it really more modern to call it a staff suite?), a detached guest suite with bath plus a privately located one bedroom guest house at the rear of the estate that over looks the property's terraced and fruit tree planted hillside. A small ravine that runs down to the exclusive and often difficult to access sands of Point Dume although it's unclear to Your Mama is the Chartoff estate has any access to the pathway that runs along the bottom of the ravine to the beach. In the event that it does not, the Chartoff residence does include deeded beach access to the private Riviera 3 beach, a lovely and often expensive bonus.

Photos of the property are the seriously slim side which is a little strange when you consider that one of the listing agents appears to be one of Mister and Missus Chartoff's male children...someone we would imagine has unfettered photographic access to the property.

The Point Dume neighborhood with is winding streets and semi-rural vibe has always had it's fair share of super star home owners including long time Point Dumer Babs Streisand who owns at least three contiguous ocean front estates on Zumirez Drive. Other notable nearby neighbors to the Chartoff house on Grayfox Street include (but are by no means limited to) Kid Rock over on Bison Court, smoking hot Matthew McConaughey and his baby momma Camila Alves who shack up on Wildlife Road and, of course, everyone knows that toothy Oscar winning actress Julia Roberts recently completed a colossal cliff top Craftsman style "green" built house spread across two luscious lots at the tail end Grayfox Street.

In what may or may not be a coincidence, property records and listing information reveal that one of Mister Chartoff's female children has listed her house on the Howland Canal in Venice with an asking price of $3,150,000. Interestingly, it is not listed with the property pushing sibling mentioned above.

A New Dog Patch for Dane Cook

BUYER: Dane Cook
LOCATION: Viewsite Drive, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $7,078,412
SIZE: 4,405 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Extraordinary modern oasis by Alessandro Munge-Munge/Leung Design Associates. Incredible secluded site with staggering views of the entire city, and all the way to the ocean. Extremely high quality materials such as Travertine Navona floors, Rift oak cabinetry, and African Namibia marble counter tops and bathrooms. Resort-style outdoor entertainment areas look out to a large flat grassy lawn and spectacular views.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Controversial comedian Dane Cook doesn't seem to win friends or influence people very well. Not only do many of his cohorts in comedy regularly and publicly accuse him of pilfering bits and jokes, he recently pissed off his neighbors at the West Hollywood apartment complex where he'd been living by not picking up after his Min Pin pooch Beast.

Although Mister Cook and his pee-pole vehemently denied the allegations of failing to do his dog doody duty, the polemic poop dispute became such a brouhaha that Mister Cook's landlord actually took the jokemeister to court in order to have him evicted...and won. Your Mama honestly feels that it is an utter travesty of the American justice system for our tax dollars to be spent on such nidorous nit picking, but not picking up after one's dog is an inexcusable disgust. We don't particularly like picking up after our long bodied bitches when they cop a squat in the shoe section of Barney's either, but children, both Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter always have a pocket full of plastic bags handy because a person has got to do what needs to be done when it comes to doggy defecation.

Although it must be more than a little humiliating to be given a legal (and very public) smack down for not picking up his canine's crap, as far as Your Mama's real estate obsessed ass is concerned, it's really Mister Cook who's getting the last laugh because in case the children did not already know–and Your Mama certainly did not before conducting a search on the interweb–Dane Cook is rich. Very rich. So rich, in fact, that he's recently packed up all his apparently unused poop bags and high tailed it out of his rented West Hollywood apartment complex laughing like a maniac all the way to his new super-dooper celebrity style house in the Hollywood Hills.

According to half a dozen of Your Mama's well connected tipsters including the insanely knowledgeable Lucy Spillerguts and also confirmed with property records we see that in August of 2008 the $9,000,000 man purchased a freshly rehabbed 4,405 square foot house on Viewsite Drive for a whopping $7,078,412. Don't act shocked now children, we told you that 36 year old Mister Cook was rich.

Anyhoo, listing information provided to Your Mama by Hollywood Hills Howard reveals that Mister Cook's new nest includes 4 bedrooms, 3.5 dee-lishusly sexxxy bathrooms slathered in acres of African marble, a large living room, a dining room with a wall full of wine fridges, and a sleek gore-may kitchen with gleaming white counter tops and several stools perfectly placed for sipping early morning Bloody Mary's while telepathically willing the toaster to make toast by itself.

Your Mama suspects the house was staged for the selling process which means the furnishings have likely been hauled back to Staging Lady in a Pink Toyota's furniture warehouse in Culver City. We do hope that S.L.I.A.P.T. left that silver drum chandelier in the dining room because we rather like that. It is also Your Mama's deepest desire that Mister Cook already be in the process of hiring a nice gay (and professional) decorator to do up his new digs because these sorts of slick, spare and glassy spaces are next to impossible for an amateur to pull off with any warmth, sincerity or success. Buying a bunch of expensive mail ordered stuff from Conran might be a good start but it won't turn this house into a home. We recommend Mister Cook give Your Mama a ringy dingy right quick so we can provide him with a short list of very good people.

We also hope (and pray) that Mister Cook has already been on the horn with The Help Company who can help him secure a masochistically minded gurl (or guy) who will actually enjoy spending 40 or 50 hours a week washing the miles of windows and floor to ceiling glass featured in this house. Although it's really quite spectacular–and likely quite confusing for a bleary eyed boozy type–just thinking about the huge amount of glazing in the master bathroom sends shivers up and down our spine imagining what our hard working but seriously sassy house gurl Svetlana would say iffin Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter were ever to move into a house with this much glass. Ooo children, that gurl would roast us like a damn Peking Duck and start hyper ventilating about how she needs a Speedo wearing male assistant or she's going on strike. And you know what? She'd be justified.

The outside areas include several terraces and balconies including a wide covered patio overlooking the petite crescent shaped swimming pool, a spa and the carpet of lights beyond. This, children, is the kind of big view the can give even the most jaded Angeleno green jeans.

Fortunately for Mister Cook, the property occupies a raised and dee-voonly private promontory which will keep his fans from peeping in on him while he sunbathes in the nood as well as stymie any efforts by Dane Cook hating comedian Joe Rogan to toss rotten fruit through Mister Cook's windows. In fact, the street facade for this house presents a forbidding and nearly impenetrable concrete wall punctuated only by electronically operated garage doors offering space for three cars and a shiny entry door leading to an tunnel like stairway which rises up through a hole cut into the lawn next to the swimming pool deck. After ascending that glute grinder, residents and visitors must climb even more steps in order to reach the front door. While all this climbing firms the boo-tox and allows the property to have jet liner views of Los Angeles, let's just hope Mister Cook has a good number of physically healthy years ahead of him because this is most certainly not a house for the crippled, the wheezy or the wheelchair bound.

But perhaps most importantly, Mister Cook's new crib includes large lawn areas where he's free to let his four legged friend Beast crap til the cows come home and never pick it up.

Friday Morning Mish Mash

It's been some time since we've spent the morning mish mashing, but Your Mama has been sitting on a few items not worth expounding and pontificating on in our usual long winded manner.

1.
It appears that real estate developer and fabulously rich financier Leonard Ross has yanked his Beverly Hills mansion off the market. The children will recall that in August of 2007 Mister Ross listed his N. Beverly Drive compound amid a pile of publicity for a blistering (and record breaking) $165,000,000.

Although the high wattage listing agent from Westside Estate Agency reveals he toured 7 or 8 potential buyers around the 6.25 acre property, is anyone really surprised that none of the mega-money looky-loos whipped out their check books? Well, all due respect all around, but Your Mama sure ain't.

At the risk of sounding utterly without class–which we pretty much are–it is Your Mama's humble and utterly meaningless opinion that until some of those high profile property crazy Russian billionaires roll up into the Platinum Triangle with big and burning desires to make real estate gossip headlines, most of these upper eight and low nine figure trophy estates in Los Angeles will continue to languish on the market.

Bev Hills is bee-yoo-tee-full children, but it just ain't the Côte d'Azur where international jet setting moguls and magnates don't seem to mind dropping many tens of millions of dollars (or even a reported $730,000,000) on high maintenance mansions they'll barely use.

2.
In other Tom Brady real estate news...

Listen children, we know he's good lookin' and dates a smokin' hot mannequin from Brazil, but we just have a tough time getting excited about him and his real estate ways anymore. Not sure why that is, but it is. Anyhoo...

3.
The real estate news in Nashville this morning is that screamingly successful country music super star Kix Brooks (the mustachioed man with the big black cowboy hat of the gee-tar twanging duo Brooks and Dunn) and his wifey Barbara have spent $5,450,000 country music dollars on a new Nashville nest.

The Brooks' newly constructed contemporary crib with it's towering three story facade, complicated massing and barrel roof occupies a large sloped lot at the tail end of gated Bancroft Place, a street which many of the wide eyed children will recognize as the same as that where Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman lived after they were mare-reed. (Mister and Missus Urban have since sold the house on Bancroft Place.)

Five and a half million clams in New York or Los Angeles barely buys a starter mansion these days, but in Nashville it buys (approx.) 13,000 square feet of dee-luxiosity with 4 bedrooms, 5.5 bathrooms, a 3-story wood and steel staircase, 28-foot ceilings, a kick ass commercial grade kitchen, a wine cellar, and an infinity edged cee-ment pond with a 45-foot wide waterfall. The developers used reclaimed wood milled from a century-old tobacco warehouse for beams, floors and roof decking which Your Mama imagines warms the lofty interior spaces and gives the brand spanking new house a little patina from the get go.

4.
Property maven Nic Cage has put his 9 bedroom and 9 bathroom Bel Air mansion on the market.

Again.

This time, the 11,817 square foot Copa de Ora Road residence with it's Olympic length swimming pool and private thee-ay-ter carries an asking price of $29,999,000. Although that is without question a magnificent amount of moolah, it is considerably less than the $35,000,000 Mister Cage was asking for the place when it was last listed on the open market back in September of 2007.

The brick built behemoth was formerly owned by Rat Packer Dean Martin and dee-voonly camp crooner Tom Jones before Mister Cage scooped up the property in 1998 for an undisclosed amount of money.

5.
We hear through the Holmby Hills gossip grapevine that Jennufleck–or whatever dumb-ass amalgamated monikor all the gossip glossies call Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner–have bailed out of buying the humongous house on S. Mapleton Drive that they were rumored and reported to be buying.

The preggers pair have earned a bit of a reputation among real estate gossips and high end brokers for entering and later canceling escrows. Your Mama hears, but again we can not confirm, that the rumored to be real estate fickle couple backed out of buying at least five high priced properties including a not yet completed manse on Brentwood's N. Carmelina Avenue.

Interestingly and ironically, Your Mama has also heard that moving vans have been spotted outside the couple's current crib on N. Tigertail Road in Brentwood. So who knows what's what in their real estate world? Not Your Mama. What we do know is that the listing for the John Bersci re-designed S. Mapleton Drive mansion remains active on the MLS with an asking price of $27,500,000.

Rumor and gossip children, just rumor and gossip.

6.
Thanks to an early morning communique from Louis Lewy (and an earlier report by The Real Deal), Your Mama has learned that vegan electronica musician Moby has finally unloaded his quirky quadraplex penthouse at the fabled El Dorado building on New York City's Central Park West.

The diminutive downtown denizen purchased the four floor and four terrace tower residence a few years ago for a reported $4,500,000. After a few tweaks to the oddly many staired 2 bedroom and 2 bathroom unit and a wee bit of time living on the baby stroller saturated Upper West Side, Mister Moby decided he preferred life below 14th Street and re-listed the penthouse with a $7,500,000 asking price.

After a reported co-op board rejection and an offer of a $75,000 finders fee records show Mister Moby finally sold the uptown aerie for $6,700,000, far less than the original asking price, but far more than many thought he'd get.

Although we can not confirm the buyer's identity, Your Mama thinks the big money buyer is a non-celebrity design oriented gal about town who uses only first and middle initials on deeds and real estate documents and appears to have once purchased an apartment at the legendary Ansonia building from late night talk show titan Conan O'Brien. Sorry we can't be more specific children, but that's about all a quick search of the interweb turned up.

Your Mama Hears...

...from several scuttlebutting sources that actin', singin', and songwriting' supa-stah Cher has done sold her mammoth mansion in Malee-boo.

Although we can not currently confirm this particular real estate rumor (don't none of y'all go repeating it like it's gospel now, hear?), Your Mama hears whispered through the Pacific Coast Highway gossip grapevine that Miz Cher's 14,000 square foot Pacific Ocean view abode is in escrow for more than forty million smackers. Not that she needs the clams, but good for her.

Although Your Mama has been hearing whispers and rumors about the Dark Lady of Malee-boo quietly shopping her 1.72 acre estate around for quite some time, the plastic surgery loving sixty two year old mega-celeb only officially listed her 6 bedroom and 7 bathroom Italian Renaissance style residence a few weeks ago amid heaps of hoopla and a formidable $45,000,000 asking price.

Your Mama isn't sure how many properties the Grammy, Emmy and Academy award winning icon owns, but we do know that she's got a doo-plex at the celebrity infested Sierra Towers in West Hollywood as well as a place in London. Now that Cher's strutting her sexy senior citizen stuff in a big show at Caesars Palace, perhaps we'll soon hear word of her shopping for a desert domicile? Maybe. However, Your Mama prefers to imagine Cher livin' large in Las Vegas in a custom designed mansion sized hotel suite where her every wig wearing whim is gleefully carried out by young, noo-bile and uniformed eye candy of the male persuasion.

Iffin the Richie Rich rumored buyer of Miz Cher's behemoth beach bungalow would like a little extra land on which to spread out, a 6.67 acre ocean view parcel di-rectly to the west of her lavish digs has just hit the high-priced Malee-boo market. The lovely but likely quite loud bluff top lot (pictured above) offers considerable frontage on bizzy Pacific Coast Highway, spine tingling views up and down the coast and carries an asking price of $13,800,000. That's just dollars and cents to someone who can afford to snatch up a forty-plus million dollar house that is unlikely to be used more than a few months of the year, right?

Your Mama Hears...

...From one of our spies down in Nashville that country music singing sensation LeeAnn Rimes has finally moved into her new nest located in the guard gated and medieval themed Avalon development in Franklin, Tennessee where, according to the community's website, residents and visitors will be greeted at the entrance by a "lighted replication of King Arthur's sword in the stone." Jeezis, Mary and Jehosephat please say it ain't so!

Anyhoo, details on the newly constructed and fully customized Rimes residence are slim, but we do know that the house is privately located on a small promontory where it overlooks the unfortunately named Road of the Round Table.

Property records also reveal that Miss Rimes and her fresh faced and well groomed back up dancer huzband Dean Sheremet purchased the lot back in September of 2006. It's unclear to Your Mama what amount of country music money the couple paid for the lot, but public records reveal the happy couple are carrying a fat multi-million dollar mortgage (which probably includes the cost of building the house) that will surely keep Miss Rimes touring for years to come and Mister Sheremet two-stepping or doing whatever it is he does to pay his sliver of the mountain sized mortgage.

Mister and Missus Rimes' previous crib, which sits on 3.196 acres right up on bizzy Hillsboro Pike in fancy Franklin, TN, remains unsold and on the market with an asking price of $2,395,000.

Denny Hamlin Green Flags the Listing of His House

SELLER: Denny Hamlin
LOCATION: Peninsula Point Drive, Cornelius, NC
PRICE: $4,900,000
SIZE: 9,969 square feet (as per assessor), 5 bedrooms, 6 full and 2 half bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Late last week Your Mama received a lovely little communique from someone we'll call Loquacious Louis who informed us that Nascar driver Denny Hamlin was selling his big house on the shores of Lake Norman in tiny Cornelius, North Carolina.

As the children might imagine, we shrieked, "Denny whooo? Cor-neelee where?"

At the risk of sounding like a cultural snob (which we probably are), Your Mama freely and without a soupçon of shame admits that we know as much about Nascar and the Daytona 500 as we suspect most Nascar fans know about German social realist painter Neo Rauch. However, thanks to the pleasantly patient and Nascar knowledgeable Loquacious Louis and a few independent Blackle searches on the interweb, Your Mama now understands that 27 year old Denny Hamlin is a Nascar fee-nom who careens around the race track in a supped up Toyota emblazoned with the FedEx logo and the number eleven. Further research also revealed that young Mister Hamlin earns boo-coo bucks driving his super-charged Ty-ota around in circles during high octane racing events with interesting names like the Budweiser Shootout, the Food City 500 and the Ford 400.

It's all Greek to Your Mama, natch, but what we do understand is that Nascar wunderkin and one-time Paris Hilton prey Denny Hamlin recently put his 9,669 square foot (as per assessor) lake side mansion in The Peninsula on the market with an asking price of $4,900,000. For the children too lazy to map the location of Cornelius, the itty bitty hamlet sits on the shores of scenic Lake Norman about 20 miles due north of really religious Charlotte, North Carolina, a city often referred to as "The City of Churches" and well known as the birth place of presidential pastor Billy Graham. Of course, that ain't all Charlotte is known for, but that's what jumps out for Your Mama.

Anyhoo, property records show that fiercely fast (and reportedly single) Mister Hamlin purchased his family sized mansion just two years ago, in September of 2006, for $3,400,000. According to Loquacious Louis, Mister Hamlin claims to have dumped another million into renovatin' and decoratin' his love shack, a process that appears to have included putting up a plasma teevee on just about every flat wall in the damn house including the too sparsely furnished "great room" (a term loathed by Your Mama but used by the young and blond female listing agent) as well as turning the more informal entertainment areas into spaces that mights easily be mistaken for one of the campy high roller suites at the Palms in Las Vegas.

Listing information indicates that Mister Hamlin's bachelor pad includes 5 bedrooms and 6 full and 2 half bathrooms which means, of course, that Mister Hamlin can use a different terlit each day of the week and still have one to spare. It also means he spends considerable coin on a gurl whose only responsibility is scrubbing the terlits after Mister Hamlin's race car driver buddies come over for barbecue and baked beans.

Your Mama isn't the least bit soo-prised to see that Mister Hamlin had the media room done over and did up with black leather recliners or that he installed a disco-like home gym. And really, appalled as we may be with the glossy black tile floor, we not even remotely startled by the blood red billiard room...the man is a 27 years old race car driver and not a nice gay decorator after all. However, we do confess that we would never have imagined this Nascar whippersnapper to have a foul and faux Versace four poster bed, a bathroom built almost entirely of 1980s style glass blocks or a dining room with a crazy crystal chandelier and ghastly gold upholstered chairs that look like they belong in the meticulously maintained home of a blue blooded blue hair who hasn't called her nice gay decorator in 20 years or more. Sorry Charlies, but there just isn't anything about this room that says 27 year old racing stud. Additional rooms and interior amenities include the sparsely furnished and above mentioned "great room," a strangely feminine kitchen (if there's such a thing), a large family room, a wine cellar, at least 5 fireplaces and 4,300+ square feet of finished basement space that includes several exuberantly designed entertainment spaces and built in bars.

Outdoor amenities at the gated estate include a large veranda with grandiose curving stairways leading down to the free form swimming pool that over looks Lake Norman beyond, a hot tub, outdoor fireplace, lawns that slope down to a private and sandy beach on the lake shore, a half court basketball court and a boat house and long dock with a boat lift.

It will come as no surprise to the children, that there is really very little about this house that Your Mama will cop to liking. This just isn't our real estate cup of tea. But since we always try to say something nice we'll allow that the glass tear drop chandelier over the pool table is quite striking and the view from the back of the house towards the lake is stunning. Although we'd probably commit suicide from the high heating and cooling bills of this house and we'd likely wind up with a cramp from walking from one end of the house to the other, we can understand why rich people in Charlotte are drawn to the shores of Lake Norman...it's really very beautiful, ain't it?

We understand from Loquacious Louis (and confirmed with property records) that The Peninsula community in Cornelius, where Mister Hamlin's house is located, is filled to the gills with Nascar types such as Rusty Wallace, Ricky Rudd, Robby Gordon, and Menards home supply heir and driver Paul Menard. Of course, Your Mama has never heard of these men, but we understand they are all big names on the racing circuit.

The well to do folks who dwell in the 725+ acre upscale community of The Peninsula can choose to join one of the two private clubs where memberships gives them access to the 18-hole Rees Jones designed golf course, swim and tennis centers, boat slips for parking their big boats, and the smug satisfaction of hobnobbing with some of Nascar's elite drivers at the clubhouse and yacht club. According to Loquacious Louis (but not independently confirmed) residents must also cough up an estimated (and relatively reasonable) $1,100 per year for maintenance of common areas in The Peninsula community.

Your Mama can't fathom why Mister Hamlin would choose to sell his house just two years after buying and decorating the shit out of the place, but perhaps–and we speculate here children, speck-u-late–he's realized 14,000 square feet of interior space is simply too big for one 27 year old man or maybe that a young and single racing super star might be better off living in a community where he can meet and greet with a few 20-something year old big breasted babes rather than sit around Saturday nights with Muffy and Stuffy at the Yacht Club. But then again, maybe he just wants to make a million smackers turning over the property.

Your Mama Hears...

...That not only did big mouth billionaire Donald Trump not step up to the real estate plate and purchase financially beleaguered Ed McMahon's Beverly Hills house, neither did the back up buyer we heard about through the gossip grapevine.

Uh oh.

Does this mean that unless some pecuniarily endowed knight in shining armor comes trotting down Mulholland Drive with a bag of money that Mister and Missus McMahon will soon be out on their keisters?

Now listen children, Your Mama does not ever like to see anyone tossed out of their home. However, we confess that it's a tad bit tough to muster much in the way of sympathy for a man who made many tens of millions of dollars during his long career on the boob-toob and pushing that Publisher's Clearing House crap.How is it possible that Mister Ed does not have ten million smackers socked away in some Swiss bank account? Really, how?

Whatever the reasons for his very public financial free fall and possible foreclosure, Mister McMahon's Crest Court McMansion remains on the market with an asking price of $4,600,000.

P.S.

1. Your Mama is allowed to take a few days off–it was a national holiday after all–and quite frankly we're tired of listening to some of you children whine about it. Try giving Your Mama a fucking break once in a while without turning into a sniveling six year old.

2. We have just uprooted our family and moved across the country, a laborious and emotionally draining process during which some of you children seem to think we having nothing else to do but write this damn blog. Pleeze! We are doing the best we can and if that ain't good enough for some of you, well, that's just too damn bad.

3. We believe in the power and freedom of speech and as most of the children well know, Your Mama is LOATHE to get involved in moderating and censoring the comments section. However, we have noted with disappointment and deep displeasure that lately there are a few rogue elements that seem to delight in spouting all manner of racist nonsense. We can not and will not tolerate that shit any longer. If you don't have anything fruitful or interesting to say about celebrity real estate and all you wanna do is spew your racist bullshit, please find another blog to infect with your unfortunate point of view. Don't like it? Well, again, that's just too damn bad.

Stevie Wonder Looking for a Fat Profit in Los Feliz

SELLER: Stevie Wonder
LOCATION: Chislehurst Drive, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $3,200,000
SIZE: 4,511 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 5 bathrooms (as per listing)
DESCRIPTION: Great view. 14 rooms including pool house in the back. Art Deco period design.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Thanks to our fine friend at Celebrity Address Aerial, Your Mama has learned that sensational song writer and blind as a bat music icon Stevie Wonder has decided to sell off one of his many Los Angeles properties. Before we get to the house, let's all take a quick moment to get our wee minds around the extraordinary fact that the magnificent Mister Wonder has earned himself an unbelievable twen-tee-six Grammy awards, the first being in 1974 and the most recent in 2007. Twenty six!

Property records show that the piano pounding Mister Wonder purchased this house on Los Feliz's Chislehurst Drive way back in October of 1979 for just $435,500. Oh children, remember the good ol' days when you could by a big house in a good part of town for half a million clams?

Anyhoo, Your Mama well knows how many Angelenos like to buy and sell their houses every two years in order to take advantage of a lovely loophole in the tax code, but in Mister Wonder's case it obviously benefited his pocketbook to sit tight and hang on to this house for thirty damn years. With a current asking price of $3,200,000, Your Mama's beloved and bejeweled abacus reveals that when he finally unloads this east side mini-manse Mister Wonder could easily pocket a princely $2,500,000 or more.

Given that the house was built in 1928 and appears to Your Mama to be more Spanish style with its red tile roof and white washed walls, we question whether the design of this house lends itself to the "Art Deco" as is noted in the description provided by Mister Wonder's listing agent, a gentleman who happens to be one of Mister Wonder's seven children. At the risk of sounding catty and crass (which we've been accused of an uncountable number of times), perhaps Mister Wonder's people told him this was an Art Deco style house?

Although records filed with the city indicate the house measures 4,511 square feet and includes only 4 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms, listing information shows there are 5 bedrooms and 5 bathrooms squeezed into the 4,511 square foot domicile. Hmm.

Listing information for the Wonder property is about as slim as paper thin celebrity super-stylist Rachel Zoe, but fortunately for the children Your Mama is an expert at reading through the real estate lines and filling in the descriptive gaps. After several passes over the photos and information Your Mama was able to glean that additional features include a motor court with 3-car garage, a dramatic double staircase located in a rotunda like entrance hall, a large living room with fireplace and magnificent views, a swimming pool with adjacent pool house and a basement that sonny boy the listing agent indicates could be converted into a "possible theatre room."

Now listen children, before all you music nuts hop in your hoopdies and head over to Los Feliz to hold a candlelight vigil on Chislehurst Drive–something we can assure you will have the neighbors dialing up the po-po pronto–it's unclear to Your Mama whether Mister Wonder ever occupied this property or if it was just one of the many properties propping up his prodigious real estate portfolio. However, because we can see with our eyes we note there is a big black grand pie-ana sitting smack in middle of the otherwise empty living room, it seems entirely possible that Mister Wonder did indeed tinkle those ivories with his musically mighty fingers.