UPDATE: Pete Sampras

For some weeks now Your Mama has been beating and banging the brains of our better connected tipsters and sources trying to figure out just exactly WHO purchased tennis titan Pete Sampras' big Bev Hills mansion that was on the market for and spine tingling $23,000,000. Remember that hoity toity house children, all English Manor and exquisite with a-may-zing wood paneling, a spectacular oval swimming pool and park like grounds?

Anyhoo, after pulling our scalp nearly bald with frustration, we finally heard from one of our most unimpeachable sources Wanda Whistleblower who whispered conspiratorially in Your Mama's big ear that the luxurious house on lavish Loma Vista Drive was purchased by none other than residual rich Will and Grace co-creator Max Mutchnick and his unfortunately named entertainment attorney husband Erik Hyman. If the children put on their thinking caps they may recall that these are the same two high powered Hollywood homosexuals who got lezbiriffic talk show queen Ellen Degeneres to fork over twenty-nine and some million clams for their previous manse on Cabrillo Drive in Beverly Hills.

According to Miz Whistleblower, ever since these two real estate savvy men cashed Ellen's fat check they conducted a serious search for another trophy estate and they found it in the walled and gated 10,376 square foot mansion that includes 6 bedrooms and 12 bathrooms. Now that the deal is done, Your Mama imagines these two gentlemen are already on the horn lining up a few full time gurls–or boys–whose only responsibility will be to keep all twelve of them terlits sparking clean.

At this point Your Mama can not confirm the sale price of the house. However, one interesting tidbit that Miz Whistleblower did cough up is that on the day the papers were signed and the 1+ acre estate was turned over from the king of tennis to the two real estate queens, Miss Mutchnick handed Mister Sampras a can of spray paint and asked if he would autograph the tennis court. Miz Whistleblower swears on her over stuffed Cross Your Heart that Mister Sampras obliged.

Amanda Beard Shedding Her Venice House

SELLER: Amanda Beard
LOCATION: Garfield Avenue, Venice, CA
PRICE: $1,045,000
SIZE: 981 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 1 bathroom
DESCRIPTION: Come relax, and live Venice style in this charming and contemporary home. This home has it all, with a beautiful enclosed courtyard fully landscaped with exotic/imported plants. This 3 Bdrm/1 Br home is open with fantastic natural light, the kitchen has been redone, with gorgeous counter-tops and combed grain walnut cabinetry, a spa bath, as well as a fabulous open grassy garden in the backyard, additional upgrades and a detached garage. In this home, have it all.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Thanks to a covert contact from Chatterbox Chad, Your Mama has learned that seven time Olympic medalist and boobalicious bikini babe Amanda Beard has listed her Venice, CA beach bungalow for sale with an asking price of $1,045,000. Some of the children who don't know much about Miss Beard's breast stroking accolades may be more familiar with her actual breasts which she gleefully showed to the world on the glossy pages the July 2007 issue of Playboy.

Property records show that Miss Beard purchased her lilliputian cottage in August of 2006 for $1,045,000, a number all the eagle eyed children will recognize as the very same number that Miss Beard is currently asking for the house. Your Mama does not even need to consult our bejeweled abacus to figure out that Miss Beard is likely to lose a little money on this real estate transaction, a distinct possibility about which Your Mama is 100% certain all you churlish real estate Chicken Littles will make of huge hay. But you know what? Your Mama does not want to hear it. Everyone who reads the papers or listens to the damn news programs already knows the real estate market in Los Angeles is in a slump. Nobody needs any of you naughty children beating that dead, dead, dead horse.

According to property records, Miss Beards three bedroom and one bathroom beach bungalow measures in at a sardine can sized 981 square feet. How anyone managed to squeeze 3 bedrooms and a living/dining/kitchen combination into a house that measures in at less 1000 square feet is well beyond Your Mama's space planning comprehension.

Located about a mile from the beach and walking distance to Marina del Rey, the fully hedged and private property looks to have had some recent landscaping and renovation work. The front yard has been done up like a cozy courtyard with large stones, slate patios and a fun ad fantastic orange outdoor fireplace from the 1970s. Lawhd children, Your Mama just swoons over just about anything that is orange and this fire place is no exception.

Inside it appears that Miss Beard visited Ikea for her depressingly ordinary living and dining room furniture. The kitchen has been fitted with perfectly reasonable wood cabinets and black granite counter tops and we do appreciate that she injected the room with a little color with the red dining room chairs. However, it is all a little tight, isn't it?

Miss Beard got a little gusty in the master bedroom with that ka-razy black and white duvet which we find acceptable if not our particular taste. But gurly-gurl should have high-tailed it right back to Ikea for a pair of inexpensive bedside tables so she could toss those ghastly grandma style ones in the garbage. Your Mama can appreciate that Miss Beard attempted to add a little lighting style with that $99.00 capiz shell chandelier from West Elm, but if she really wanted to make a statement she should have called our good friend Gwen Carlton who custom makes the most ravishing capiz shell creations that money can buy and make those things from West Elm look like chintzy and cheap knock-offs...which of course, they are.

Anyhoo, moving out into the back yard and we have a nice deck for sipping gin and tonics and a wee patch of grass for the pooches. The two-car garage has been turned into some sort of uglee office/surf board storage area. Clearly Miss Beard's strength are competitive swimming and posing in the nood and not doing up the day-core.

Your Mama wishes Miss Beard all the luck in the world unloading her teeny tiny American dream and we sincerely hope that when she get settled in her next nest she'll ring Your Mama so that we can give her a long list of nice gay decorators who can help her with the day-core.

Morning Mish Mash

Listen my little chickadees, today is a travel day. Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter are once again winging our way to the other coast for a little rest and relaxation beside Sister Cooter's cement pond so we won't be available to discuss celebrity real estate until Friday...at the earliest.

But because we don't want to leave y'all shivering and shaking like a damn junkie, we're gonna drop this mish mash on you before we jump into the back of a long black town car and head to the el aeropuerto.

Now behave. We don't want to arrive and have to hand out a smack down because y'all couldn't control your mouths.

1.
Your Mama has been plain negligent about posting an update on the Malibu estate that Californication's David Duchovny and his wifey Téa Leoni put on the market a few weeks ago...

Turns out they changed their minds. Yes puppies, that's right, they de-listed their $12,000,000 house. According to their real estate agent, the fickle minded pair changed their damn minds just a couple of short weeks after listing their Carbon Mesa Road casa.

The luverly Ann Brenoff who pens the LA Times' Hot Properties column went looking for the poop and when she asked the listing agent if the property was withdrawn due to an offer being presented, the secretive agent declined any additional comment.

So what was all that fussing and whining by the Missus 'bout the children looking sunburned and sleepy and the Missus wanting the children to go to get educated in a fancy Manhattan school? Shoot, if Your Mama were the betting type, and we're not, we'd say there surely sounds like there could more to this story than meets the ol' evil eye.

2.
Several weeks back Mister Big Time asked, "Where in the world is...Robert Downey Jr." Well children, Your Mama does not know where he is now, but we do know where he was.

Mister Big Time referenced several articles in major publications which described the location of Mister Downey Jr.'s leased home base as "at the end of a leafy cul-de-sac" and "at the end of a cul-de-sac in Brentwood." That leafy cul de sac in Brentwood is Greenock Place where Mister Downey Jr. resided in a 5 bedroom and 5.5 bathroom house which listing information describes as dramatic, completely private with lush landscaping and fantastic backyard with a sparkling pool.

No children, Mr. Downey Jr.'s former home is not for sale. As it turns out the 5,380 square foot contemporary has become available to lease at $12,500 per month, which indicates that Mister Downey Jr. has done decamped to new digs. In fact, Your Mama hears through the real estate gossip grapevine that the Oscar nominated actor with the troubled past recently purchased a home, but at this point it's just rumor and gossip children so don't anybody go repeating that shit like it's gospel. Seriously, for all we really know, he's sleeping up on Jack Nicholson's couch.

3.
According to the Wall Street Journal, some musician named Usher has reduced the asking price of his suburban Atlanta mansion. After raising the asking price last September from $1,950,000 to $2,300,000, the singer is now asking an even steven $2,000,000. Your Mama discussed this crib back in September of 2007

Located in the same gated golf where tabloid train wrecks Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown owned a home before they went all (allegedly) druggie and splitsville, the 8,022 square foot house includes 5 bedrooms, 4.5 bathrooms, a private hair salon (natch), professional recording studio installed by previous owner, music mogul L.A. Reid.

Your Mama would feel sorry for Mister Usher, but we don't even know who he is.

4.
Your Mama is feeling in a generous mood today so we're going give Mister Big Time another helping hand today, this time regarding the Los Feliz residence that was recently sold by septuagenarian actress Ronnie Claire Edwards for $3,850,000. Mister Big Time was unsure of who purchased the property but because of the title and deed records assumed, correctly, that the new owner is a celebrity. According to wickedly well informed Lucy Spillerguts–a luvlee ladee with unparalleled and potent powers of discovery–the 6,516 square foot house was purchased by Michael Balzary, the Red Hot Chili Pepper bass player who the world better knows as Flea.

Mister Balzary has been on a bit of real estate whirligig lately. Property records (and reports) show that in late 2006 the moneyed musician forked over $9,980,000 for a 2.01 acre ocean front spread in Malibu with a 2,731 square foot house.

Unfortunately for Mister Balzary, he seems to have gotten caught in a real estate squeeze with his previous residence in Malibu which he's been trying to sell for a very long time...since at least late 2006. Your Mama discussed the Sycamore Meadows Drive property back when it was listed at $4,800,000. According to current listing information, the asking price has been seriously karate chopped to $2,800,000, which is just $350,000 more than he paid for the 4,882 square foot house in 2002. Oh dear.

5.
Your Mama received a correspondence from Mister Smiley who linked us over to an article in the NY Post about yet another celebrity who is losing his house, this time it's rapper/actor DMX, a man whose real name, Earl Simmons, is a lot less scary sounding. Anyhoo, according to the NY Post, Mister DMX purchased an East Harlem townhouse in 2001 with the hope of converting it from an SRO into luxury rentals...Oh, you know what, children, it's the middle of the damn night and we have got to go. So if you're interested in this DMX person, go read the NY Post.

Jamie Foxx Trots Out Of Tarzana

SELLER: Jamie Foxx
LOCATION: Van Alden Drive, Tarzana, CA
PRICE: $2,230,000
SIZE: 5,428 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 3.25 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Palm Desert Resort meets architectural style in Tarzana, CA! This 3 bedroom + 3.25 bath estate is at the foot of Braemar Country Club and Santa Monica Mtn Conservatory, has just been freshened to a crisp finish and includes media theater, soundproofed rooms and orchestral wiring used as recording studio and vocal booth, game room, sports court, gym, pool, pool house, great room, outdoor lin'g deck, motor court for about 10 cars, all tucked away behind a secluded wall, on approx. .84 acres & 5400 sq. ft.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: The 40-acre Thousand Oaks estate that Oscar winning and egotastic actor Jamie Foxx purchased back in June of 2006 must be ready for occupancy because the filthy rich funny man has listed his long time Tarzana crib for sale with an asking price of $2,230,000. Actually, Mister Foxx's den (of alleged iniquity) has been listed since mid-April, but all us real estate gossips musta been asleep at the wheel because none of our damn eagle eyes seem to have noticed until now. If Your Mama is being honest, which we always are, we can't take credit for locating this listing on our own. We learned about it only after being alerted by a friendly tipster who asked that we call him The Driver.

Property records indicate the 5,428 square foot single story sprawler was purchased way back in 1997 for $930,000 and it's well known that the kooky comedian has thrown some ka-razy parties here. In fact, back in 2006 the neighbors famously called the po-leese complaining that a nekkid basketball game was being played on Mister Foxx's private half-court. Yes children, that's right, nood basketball. Can you imagine anything less sexy? All that man-junk flying around hither and yon is not attractive and quite frankly it sounds more than a little painful. Mister Foxx claimed he was not home when the po-po showed up to put the kibosh on the game and has said that most of the nekkid dribblers were in fact ladees, a reasonable explanation from a man who has long battled rumors of enjoying the sexual company of another man every now and then. We're not sayin' anything, we're just sayin' that's what people say. As far as Your Mama knows, he's nothing but a full time ladee luver.

Anyhoo, listing information for Mister Foxx's Vanalden Avenue property indicates the entire property has been recently freshened up. And it certainly does look Spic and Span clean don't it children? However, since Your Mama never received an invitation to one of Mister Foxx's famous par-tays we can't say whether we're looking at the creamy beige handiwork of a nice gay decorator if a professional stager was paid the big bucks to clean the bodily fluids off the floors and truck in a butt load of comfortable looking but not particularly compelling furniture. Due to all the rolled up towels, potted orchids and beach balls floating in the pool, Your Mama suspects the latter.

Whatever the case, it's clear Mister Foxx did up and did over this house to be his own private Las Vegas. Listing information reveals that in addition to the three bedrooms and 2 full and 3 quarter baths (good heavens children, what is a damn quarter bath?) the 1949 renovated ranch includes a home gym (which isn't so surprising given the size of Mister Foxx's 40 year old pumped pex), a game room in the basement, a media/music room, and a sound proofed recording studio.

The backyard is a regular resort that includes a large deck along the back of the house for chillin' and grillin', large flat lawn areas for fierce games of croquet, a large rectangular pool with adjacent pool house, a sunken spa and, of course, the infamous half court sport court where all the unclothed sport magic happens.

There are a couple of additional features that stand out to Your Mama.

1. The televisions. There seems to be a boob-toob in every room. The kitchen alone has three...or are those small screens closed circuit? Hmm.

2. The bathtub. Appropriately done in a flesh tone, the behemoth bathtub will easily fit Mister Foxx and several large breasted bitches for some group tub love. Not pictured is an equally commodious and mulit-person friendly shower.

3. The aquariums: Your Mama is not a fan of the residential built in aquarium because too often they remind us of the orthodontist office where Sister Woman got her braces tightened. However, the two flanking the fireplace in the living room appeal more than most we've seen. If only that giant mirror above the fireplace was removed, we might actually be able to focus on the aquariums.

4. The kitchen: Sorry Mister Foxx, but it's disappointing. Well appointed and decently sized, but the speckled granite is dated. Listing information says there are SubZero and Wolf appliances, but that stove does not look like a damn Wolf, not with that puny hood. None the less, we'll allow that this room may in fact look better in person than in the photo.

5. The privacy: Or rather, the lack of it. We're shocked to see that Mister Foxx's landscapers did not plant privacy hedges around the property. It appears to Your Mama that the neighbors can peer right over the backyard fence in some spots. No wonder they called the po-leese on the nood ball players.

6. The pool house: We love it, or the idea of it. Not fond of the beige tile, but we note the convenient half bathroom, the mini-kitchen for pool side snacks and the dry sauna, perfect for a little heated up hanky panky.

7. Parking: Listing information indicates that there is parking for 10 cars, which pretty much makes the front of the mini-mansion a petite parking lot. However, if you're a party thrower, being able to put all the guest automobiles behind the drive gates is a sweet thing.

Now that Mister Foxx will be shacked up on a 40 acre mogul-style estate in rural Thousand Oaks where the nearest neighbors will need binoculars to see what's going on by the pool, the hard partying and high living Lothario can have all the naked basketball tournaments his little heart desires without risk of the po-po turning up to shut down the nood and naughty shenanigans.

Winona Ryder Rides Out of Gramercy Park

According to property records and the dirt dishing Page Six column in the NY Post, Oscar nominated actress Winona Ryder quietly sold her Manhattan co-operative apartment located at 1 Lexington Avenue in the relatively halcyon Gramercy Park neighborhood. Miss Ryder sold her crib to neighbors for $2,200,000 so details on the second floor apartment are slim. However, because the 12-story apartment house faces private Gramercy Park, Your Mama presumes the unit includes a coveted key to the gated green space.

Since Miss Ryder's acting career has been in a major tail spin since her 2001 arrest and 2002 conviction for shop lifting at swanky Saks Fifth Avenue in Bev Hills, some snarks and real estate gossips will surely speculate that the sale may be due to a lack of coin. But Your Mama would not be so quick to jump to that conclusion, because not only did the born blond celeb make boo-coo bucks in 1990s, she now has several film projects in pre- and post-production including soon to be released The Informants and next year's Star Trek.

Prop records show that Miss Ryder, who has been recently rumored to be humping around with Keanu Reeves, still owns a three bedroom house on Union Street in San Francisco that she purchased in 1995 for $1,3000,000 as well as her long time four bedroom mini-manse on N. Doheny Drive in Los Angeles that she purchased in 1998 for $2,600,000.

Miss Ryder's now former apartment is located just a few buildings away from Oscar winning actress Julia Roberts' Manhattan digs and a few floors down from the large duplex that Uma Thurman–yet another Oscar nominated actress in the 'hood–owned with ex-huzband and nanny-luver Ethan Hawk. Property records show that Uma Thurman sold that 7th and 8th floor co-op at 1 Lex in October of 2006 for $8,600,000 which was just a few months after she bought another smaller duplex in the building for $2,65o,000. Phew. Did you get that children?

UPDATE: Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie

Last week Your Mama picked up and discussed a real estate rumor first put out by E!'s celebrity gossip queen Ted Casablanca that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie had done sold their $3,500,000 digs in below sea level New Orleans. Well children, according to a story in yesterday's The Times-Picayune, which was forwarded to Your Mama by a gal we call Soozee Setsitstraight, it ain't true. Surprise!

According to the brief article, several real estates who do their bizness in the French Quarter dismissed the rumor last week and now a representative for the peripatetic pair also denies that the quickly multiplying super stars have sold or are selling their Big Easy mansion. The paper also notes, as did Your Mama in our previous discussion, that the property remains in a trust controlled by Mister Pitt.

So it appears to have been a celebrity real estate false alarm. It happens. But none the less, Your Mama would love to know where Miss Casablanca got her information and also to find out if Teddy Boy will be giving that source a bare bottom spanking.

Carly Simon Selling West Village Digs

SELLER: Carly Simon
LOCATION: Commerce Street, New York, NY
PRICE: $3,800,000
SIZE: 2 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Famous celebrity's 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom duplex in a townhouse renovated to perfection. Upstairs–Bedroom, bath, sitting room; Downstairs–Bedroom, bath, living room, modern kitchen with top of the line appliances, through wall air, 2 working fireplaces. Beautifully decoarated–utterly romantic, one of a kind on the prettiest street in the West Village.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Way back in the Dark Ages when Your Mama was a still a fresh faced upstart muhtrick-u-latin' and living on our mama's generous dime, we endured a sleep talking and opera singing house mate who was neither tiny nor named Tim but for the purposes of our discussion we'll call Tiny Tim anyway. Our little Tiny Tim, a man whom Your Mama referred to privately as Meester Rrreeko Swa-vay, had a serious and decidedly dangerous desideratum for draping and swagging yard after yard of teal, paisley and peach colored fabric. Oh yes he did children. Tiny Tim stretched and twisted his foul colored cloth over the windows, across the dressers and looped it up and around the damn bed.

Added to that fabric freak show was a candelabra (natch), a couple of gilded angel figurines (we don't lie children) and dozens of candles that Tiny Tim laid on every flat surface in the room and within inches of all that flammable fabric. He may have only been 22 (or maybe he was 24), but he was convinced his ridiculous "romantic" day-core would woo the pants off his fair haired dates. And much to our mortification and chagrin, Tiny Tim was right. The man was an undeniable (and rather loud) Casanova.

None the less, Your Mama should not have to tell the children that the whole scene in Tiny Tim's Lair of Luv so upset our delicate sensibilities that we had no choice but to move out. Not only did our brow furrow and our lips pucker with deep dismay from just knowing all those yards of revolting textile were hanging unnecessarily about, it scared the buhjeezis right out of us knowing that Tiny Tim was thisclose to setting the damn house ablaze while his eyes rolled back in fornication induced bliss.

Well children, all these hundreds of years later we have found Tiny Tim's spiritual mother of the draped fabric and it is Carly Simon. The accomplished and beloved singer/songwriter has earned an Academy Award, a Golden Globe and two damn Grammys. She's also earned her self an honorary slot in Your Mama's Unsettling and Senseless Fabric Swagging Hall of Fame.

Okay, maybe it's not as bad as all that and we're just having a dramatic moment, but the children will note the red swagged curtains in the living room with the funeral home parlor balloon sheers, that sage green thing-a-majig draped over the stool in the bedroom and who could possibly miss all that silky and shiny shit twisted onto the four poster bed? Perhaps it is all to distract from that sad air conditioner hanging out in an odd spot on the wall?

Anyhoo, last week we learned from Braden Keil at the NY Post that Miz Simon's West Village pied a terre hit the market with a somewhat surprisingly high asking price of $3,800,000. The two bedroom and two bathroom duplex spreads over a reported 1,2000 square feet and occupies two floors of a fully renovated Federal style townhouse on comely and cozy Commerce Street, which listing information fairly accurately describes as, "the prettiest street in the West Village."

Property records and reports indicate that after Miz Simon purchased her urban getaway in early 2004 for around $1,200,000, she gut renovated the unit. She then bee-lined for the fabric district in the West 30s to buy up bolt after bolt of fabric only a gypsy could love.

Obviously Your Mama is not down with the textile situation or the exposed brick or that faux paint crap behind the bath tub. And obviously we are puzzled, perplexed and outraged by the giant bath tub sitting out in the middle of the damn room and next to a pee-ana in the second floor sitting room. However, that does not mean we are unable to see the charm and possibilities with this place. This could be perfect for as a pied a terre for a screaming rich and famous type looking for a pricey pad to which they can stumble home after a long night at Tortilla Flats or the nearby celebrity drinking hole The Waverly Inn. Don't the television viewing children think this might be a fine love nest for Blake Lively and Penn Badgley from that Gossip Girl program? Mmmhmmm, we do too.

Anyhoodle, Your Mama also appreciates that the two bedrooms are on different floors and that each has its own private pooper, always a good thing. The two functioning fireplaces work for us–we do, after all, have an itty bitty bit of the romantical in our cold heart–and although it's not exactly our Barbie Dream Kitchen, we feel good about the open shelves for displaying the dinnerware and gorgeous gew-gaws from Moss. We totally love how the architect made efficient and clever use of space under the stairs for knick knacks, cook books and other assorted kitchen items even if it does look a wee "architecturally" self conscious.

Don't anybody misunderstand Your Mama here. We love us some Carly Simon and have at least six and maybe 12 of her songs on our iPod rotation at all times. And although we tease and make fun of her fetish for fabric, Your Mama actually appreciates that her apartment is a clear and accurate reflection of its owner and her eclectic taste and style. So while we might not like her day-core, we sincerely appreciate that she works her own thing when it comes to putting her home together. Her day-core is much like herself, original, quirky and endearing for its flaws.

In a naked display of real estate nepotism, Miz Simon–who lives mostly in bucolic, beachy and high-wasp Martha's Vineyard–chose her successful real estate agent sister to list and market the property. Your Mama wonders if Sister Simon is giving a Miz Carly a break on the commish.

Is Oprah Fleeing Fisher Island?

SELLER: Oprah Winfrey
LOCATION: Fisher Island Drive, Miami, FL
PRICE: $2,090,000
SIZE: 1,838 square feet, 2 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Spectacular direct ocean views through walls of sliding glass and from covered privacy on a gracious seaside terrace create an unmistakable Florida aura around this two bedroom, two bathroom luxury Fisher Island condominium. Gorgeous design, inviting layout and fantastic features combine to achieve a supreme level of plush waterfront, tropical living. Beautiful upgrades and details within this bright and airy Seaside Village home include wonderful water views from every room, custom wood built-ins & more!

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Yesterday Your Mama discussed the Greenwich, CT crib of talk show titan Oprah Winfrey's gal pal Gayle King which has been listed at $7,450,000. It appears that Miz King–an XM Satellite Radio ho-stess and editor-at large for Oprah's O Magazine–will be moving to Midtown Manhattan and into the 57th Street penthouse she recently and reportedly purchased for $7,100,000. The snarky real estate scuttlebutt is that the glassy aerie was purchased with the boob toob billionaire's money, but children, Your Mama don't know a thing concrete about that other than it was bought through a trust named after The Big O's beloved (and recently deceased) dog Sophie. Make of that what you will.

Well anyhoo, it appears that Miz King isn't that only one of these two luvlee ladies unloading prime real estate. Turns out The Big O herself has listed her Fisher Island, FL condo for sale with a current asking price of $2,090,000. The modestly sized two bedroom and 2 bathroom unit offers a typically tropical rich person's view of palm trees and meticulously maintained green grass that stretches gracefully down to the sugar sand beach and ter-kwahze waters of the Atlantic Ocean.

Located off the southern tip of South Beach and accessed only by ferry, seaplane, helicopter or yacht, fancy Fisher Island was once the private winter retreat of William and Rosamund Vanderbilt, great grandson of the legendary Commodore. Although the Vanderbilt's massive mansion and several of the 1920 era cottages remain, the island is now a private residential enclave of costly condominiums and pricey private villas. The 216 acre island includes a spa, golf course (dubbed The Links), a grand slam tennis center, polo field, deep water docking, 8 restaurants and swank shops all for the filthy rich residents and anyone interested in coughing up the big bucks to vacay at the Fisher Island Hotel and Resort and hoping to catch Miz King and The Big O oil each other up with tanning lotion and sunbathe in their itty bitty bikinis.

Property records show The Big O bought her 1,838 square foot hideaway back in 1996 for $660,000. All cash, natch. Listing information reveals that the unit is located in the Seaside Village section of Fisher Island and includes hardwood and marble floors, high ceilings, walls of sliding glass that open to a large seaside terrace, ceiling fans and custom wood built-ins with flat screen televisions so that even while on vacation The Big O can keep a watchful and suspicious eye on Ellen and Rachel Ray nipping at her talk show heels.

The Big O has clearly cleared the custom book shelves and removed her most personal items from the unit and from what remains it appears to Your Mama that the media maven did up the day-core in a slightly masculine Tommy Bahama style with custom sized sisal rugs, tufted ottomans in neutral colors, distressed leather armchairs, and those palm frond ceiling fans that have become so ridiculously and painfully obvious in tropical day-core.

At first glance the kitchen looks functional and fine. Nothing great, but not bad. Then Your Mama realized that one entire wall is mirrored. From floor to ceiling. An inexplicable decorating travesty if we ever saw one. It's not a damn dressing room, it's a kitchen. Who needs to see themselves looking all blotchy and bleary eyed in the morning while chopping up celery for a Bloody Mary? Not Your Mama, that's who.

We also note with some dismay that despite her vast wealth–beehawtcha earned a mind numbing $275,000,000 last year alone–The Big O cheaped out on her counter top appliances. That's right puppies, she flies around in a private jet but gurl penny pinched it on the appliances. Your Mama expected a Dualit Combi toaster and a De'Longhi PrimaDonna ESAM 6600 cappuccino machine at the least, but instead we get the sort of plastic contraptions that poor people can snatch up cheap at Target. Nothing wrong with Target puppies, Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter buy our terlit paper there too, but we ain't billionaires making money faster than we an spend it.

Although Your Mama is a fan of south Florida (in the winter time, of course) and we are regular guests at a hoity toity hotel in South Beach, Fisher Island and all its generic exclusivity and run of the mill luxury doesn't do much for us. However, we will allow that The Big O's large covered terrace looks like an enviable and serene spot. Your Mama can imagine The Big O and Miz King slipping on colorful caftans and whittling away the late afternoon listening to the surf, pouring over bank statements and slowly rubbing cooling aloe vera on their pleasingly prickly and slightly sun burned skin.

Obviously Your Mama does not know The Big O so we can't say why she would chose to sell this condo. But given that she's got about a thousand other homes and condos all around the U-nited States, including that $40,000,000 manse in Montecito, perhaps this one is just dead real estate weight sucking up a few grand a month in maintenance fees and taxes. Even billionaires sometimes look at the bottom line. Don't they? Or maybe she's upgrading to something larger? Who knows? We don't, but if you do, be sure to give Your Mama a ringy-dingy.

Honestly children, Your Mama don't know if any of these people still hole up in Fisher Island condos, but other famous Fisher Island property owners (or former owners) are said to include daddylicious pop star Ricky Martin, Oscar winning actress Julia Roberts and her big and beautiful teeth, Mel Brooks and tennis titans Andre Agassi and Boris Becker.

UPDATE (later same day): Your Mama's research diva B.S. Beaverman located a 1998 article in New York Magazine which plainly stated that (at the time of the article) The Big O owned three units on Fisher Island including a 6,000 square foot place for Herself and two smaller units...one for her trainer and another for her entourage. We don't dispute that. However at this point and time Your Mama is only able to confirm The Big O's ownership of this one unit. We're certain Mister Big Time can work the details out while we put our feet up and watch reality television with the Dr. Cooter.

Gayle King Selling the Big House

SELLER: Gayle King
LOCATION: Richmond Hill Road, Greenwich, CT
PRICE: $7,450,000
SIZE: 10,433 square feet, 6 bedrooms, 7 full and 3 half bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Elegant and luxurious, the magnificent colonial presides over four private back country acres. The graceful floor plan commences with a dramatic 18' reception hall and flows to the step-down living room with fireplace, a solarium, and library with fireplace...Upstairs, the second floor features four spacious en suite bedrooms with walk-in closets. The remarkable master suite offers a large bedroom with fireplace, generous bath, enormous dressing room, and 22x14 sitting room...Separate au-pair/staff accommodations and a 3-car garage.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Back in mid-January all the real estate gossips went plum berserk over the rumors and reports that television titan Oprah Winfrey forked over nearly $7,500,000 for a glassy penthouse in Midtown Manhattan for her bestie ladee friend Gayle King. Since it appeared that Miz King was moving to Manhattan, all the real estate freaks like Your Mama wondered if she would soon be selling her gigantic Greenwich, CT manse. Well guess what children? Thanks to a tipster we'll call The Pied Piper, Your Mama has learned that Miz King's back country behemoth is indeed listed for sale with an asking price of $7,450,000.

Property records show the Richmond Hill Road residence was purchased in August of 2000 for $3,600,000. The owner of record is a trust which happens to be the very same trust in which property records show several of Miz Winfrey's many properties are held. Hmm. Make of that what you will children, but it looks to Your Mama's untrained and gin soaked eye that Miz Winfrey may in fact be the real owner of this house. What kind of rent do we think Miz King is asked to pay?

Listing information shows that the stone fronted colonial style house measures in at an expensive to heat and cool 10,433 square feet and includes 6 bedrooms, 7 full and 3 half bathrooms. Your Mama hopes that Miss Oprah also springs for a full time gurl to keep all ten of them terlits sparkling clean at all times because you know there's hell to pay if Oprah shows up to find pubic hair on the powder room terlit.

Anyhoo, listing information also tells us that the four floor crib sits on four acres and includes such dee-luxe amenities as four fireplaces, a 3-car garage, staff accommodations, a media room/home thee-ay-ter, and a third floor family room with window alcoves, bar and bathroom. In addition to the four en-suite bedrooms, the master suite includes a commodious sitting room, big bathroom and a dressing room fitted and kitted for a billionaire's bestie.

Out back is a free form swimming pool with an attached spa where we imagine Miz King and Miz Winfrey enjoy relaxing in the evenings with an expensive bottle of Chardonnay when the talk show queen blows into town on her private plane. We don't know why, but we picture Miz Winfrey wearing a shower cap so that she doesn't get her do wet while settin' in the spa.

As for the day-core, well, it's clearly not the handiwork of Oprah's favorite nice gay decorator Nate Berkus and it should be no surprise to the children that it's far to fussy and formal for our personal taste. Undoubtedly the carpets cost more than Your Mama's big BMW but to our untrained eye they still look like remnants from the recent redo at The Plaza. And the drapery! Pleeze. Let's not even talk about all that crazy swagged fabric adorning the windows. Your Mama knows deep in our snarky soul that a mountain of money was spent on all that Scalamandré and Brunschwig & Fils fabric, but dear Jeezis in heaven why do rich people have to swag their curtains like that?

As far as Your Mama knows gurl friend Gayle only occupies the place in Greenwich and now the 57th Street penthouse, but mega money Oprah has properties all over the damn country including (but not limited to) a fancy Fisher Island condo in Miami, a 39th floor condo in Atlanta (in the same building as Miss Elton John), a farm in Merrillville, Indiana, another condo in Nashville (and it appears a small house in Franklin, TN too). Then there's another damn condo in unlikely Milwaukee and who could forget the $40,000,000 manse in Montecito, CA (plus another one nearby), her Hawaiian outpost in Hana or cushy condo she is rumored to have purchased in Chicago in late 2006.

Although Your Mama would feel like we were living up in rich grandma's house, we imagine Miz King's krib will appeal to some newbie hedge hog or some other banker type with a pretty wife and a couple of young kiddies who is looking to move up in the real estate game.

The Russians Are Coming!

Rumors and reports have been rampant that it was a ridiculously rich Russian who coughed up the big Rubles for Donald Trump's Palm Beach flip property Maison La Amitié. Turns out all the scuttlebutt was true because according to the always reliable Christina S.N. Lewis at the Wall Street Journal, the previously un-named $100,000,000 buyer is Russian fertilizer titan Dmitry Ryblovlev, a man Forbes estimates is worth $12,800,000,000.

The 33,000 square foot ocean front behemoth that includes a garage for 48 damn cars was actually purchased by an investment company linked to the Mister Ryblovlev and he is quoted as saying that the purchase is not an indication that he will be moving to the United States. In fact, there is much discussion among the Palm Beach real estates and other sundry wasps all up and down the posh drives in the area that the Russian may tear down the existing residence and subdivide the property.

A bold real estate maneuver to be sure, but if Your Mama is being honest, and we always are, we say good riddance to this sprawling architectural vulgarity.

Mena Suvari Sells Her Rebound House

SELLER: Mena Suvari
LOCATION: Glyndon Avenue, Venice, CA
PRICE: $1,795,000
SIZE: 2,442 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Beautiful craftsman designed by Richard Olander with meticulous attention to detail. Spacious separate master suite on top floor with huge walk in closet. Elegant gourmet cook's kitchen with black granite center island & breakfast bar leading to a stylish formal dining room. French doors open to a landscaped large back yard–Great for entertaining, to a studio, guest house, surround sound through out, security system, and more.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: All you Chicken Littles take note. Thanks to a friendly tipster we'll call Venetia Vixon, Your Mama has learned that unusually named actress Mena Suvari (American Pie, American Beauty, American Virgin, American Pie II) has not only listed her Venice residence for sale at $1,795,000, the property has gone to contract less than 45 days after being put on the market. Did you see that? Less than 45 days.

Property records show that Miz Suvari purchased the Glyndon Avenue house in June of 2005 for $1,665,000, which was shortly after the "news" broke about her marriage with much older cinematographer huzband Robert Brinkmann going splitsville, which kinda makes this her rebound house...a place to go to get away from the huzband, but not necessarily a long term solution. Tucked into a quiet and leafy pocket bordered by Marina del Rey and Culver City, the Miz Suvari's vaguely East Coast style cottage measures 2,442 square feet. There are 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms and a detached (and permitted) studio/guest house that does not appear to Your Mama to have a bathroom...a situation some small bladdered guests might not be too happy about.

The main house and the detached garage/studio/guest house are divided by a courtyard like back yard with an attractive ameoba shaped gravel patio and little patches of well maintained lawn. It's an area far too small for big dogs, or perhaps even our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly, but from the looks of things, Miz Suvari's pussies seem to like it just fine.

It would appear to Your Mama that Miz Suvari did the day-core herself because we don't think any self respecting nice gay decorator–at least none that we know–would dream of putting those cockamamie wicker seating contraptions in the living room. On a covered patio, perhaps. But please, not the living room. And what is that leopard printed tower thing hanging out in the corner? Is that a disguised speaker? Some sort of "art?" Whatever it maybe be has us reaching for the nerve pills because we can't seem to take our eyes off it long enough to even notice that there's a nice fireplace in the room to take the chill off those foggy Venice mornings.

We do think the dining room works. Basically. The windows are too small but what we're most concerned about is the obvious difficulty of getting food out of the seriously shag rug. One chicken nugget with mustard sauce dropped on that thing and our house gurl Sventlana would be ranting, raving and pulling her hair extensions out like it was a Greek tragedy.

Although the kitchen is upscale ordinary with generic (but blessedly simple) white cabinets and black granite counters, it is decently sized and we enjoy pulling up a stool pulled to a work island so we can sip gin and tonics while the Dr. Cooter prepares pork dumplings and a box cake (yellow with chocolate frosting, natch). We're thrilled that Miz Suvari (or whomever is responsible for this kitchen design) was wise enough to have the microwave oven fitted into the cabinetry sparing us having to look at it loitering on the counter top. However, all the good comes to nothing with that menacing pot rack looking like a lobster trap dying to swoop down and knock the noggin off the chef. We hate those things.

Although the windows are tiney, the bedroom looks like a nice and airy space but the day-core is beyond words. Almost. Teddy bears on the bed? Egads! Mena, hunny, you are a grown gurl with a career and money of your own. They may be "cute" but those silly stuffed things belong in a child's room or big box in the attic. No exceptions. Ever. No man is going to take a woman seriously who has stuffed animals on her bed. Don't believe Your Mama? Ask a man. Just don't ask the ones who like their ladee friends to be gurls, if you know what Your Mama is sayin'.

Anyhoo, the new buyers are not buying the day-core so it's all irrelevant and clearly this is a good house priced right because it's done been sold lickety split. Your Mama hasn't a clue whey Miss Mena would want to leave this near the Pacific Ocean charmer, but she does. Maybe she's ready for something with a little more celebrity style? Whatever the case, we hope she'll give us a shout so we can recommend a couple of nice gay decorators to help her out with her next crib.

Judge Judy Shows No Real Estate Modesty

She may look and act like a grumpy grandma from Grand Rapids, but according to the always entertaining doyenne of celebrity gossip Cindy Adams, judgmental judge Judy Sheindlin lives like a damn queen.

And we don't mean the sort of queen who sews plastic beads on a thrift store gown for the big gay pride parade, we mean the sort of queen whose brand spanking new 24,000 square foot mega manse in ritzy Greenwich, CT includes 8 bedrooms, 13 bathrooms with gold plated fixtures, 10 hand carved fireplaces, 26 foot ceilings, a guard house, gate house, guest house and a pool house. There is also a home thee-ay-ter for 50, a wine cellar, a conservatory, a massage room, play room, game room, a state of the art home gym and an obscenely large 3,150 square foot master bedroom that features an adjacent "snoring room," an unusual feature Your Mama feels certain the Dr. Cooter wishes he had too.

All of that is impressive and jaw dropping to be sure, but somebody bring Your Mama the smelling salts because according to the decorator, the main house uses 500 light bulbs. No puppies, Your Mama did not mistakenly add a zero. It's five hundred. Your Mama hasn't used 500 damn light bulbs in our lifetime and this ladee put 500 in a single house? Well, at least we know she won't have any trouble paying for all that wattage because according to Forbes, the heavily syndicated judge rakes in more than $30,000,000 per year. (Miz Adams says it's an even more impressive $42,000,000, "give or take a few bucks.")

The new Sheindlin feifdom in the Greenwich back country is hardly the only piece of luxury real estate Judge Judy and her huzband Judge Jerry own. Prop records show the bench warmers purchased a Naples, FL condo in July of 2005 for $6,900,000 and they reportedly own a pied a terre in New York City as well as a good sized yacht dubbed Her Honor, natch. The granny gazillionaire, who films her tawdry television show in Los Angeles, reportedly commutes to work by private jet.

Kanye Dumps Donda's Digs

SELLER: Kanye West for Estate of Dr. Donda West
LOCATION: Rindge Ave, Playa Del Ray, CA
PRICE: $1,745,000
SIZE: 2,009 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Striking remodeled contemporary Beach House, situated on Playa Del Rey Hill offers sparkling views of the ocean, open and airy spaces, top of the line stainless steel kitchen, and light hitting all angles of the house. The home is landscaped wonderfully and features zen-like fountains and shrubbery. A courtyard for entertaining opens to the middle of the house and serves as a wonderful bonus. There are 3 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms, and it's only 2 blocks from the sand.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Listen children, Your Mama is going to start this morning on a bit of a sad note. Once upon a time not too long ago Miz Dr. Donda West–the proud momma of (newly single) hip hop supa-stah Kanye West–went in to have a little nip, tuck and a suck. However, the celebrity mom died tragically and unexpectedly just days after the cosmetic procedures. It was national damn news. Remember that children? Anyhoo, Autopsy reports revealed Miz West perished due to coronary heart disease and complications related to the surgery. Say what you want about the divalicious antics of the son, but Miz West was only 58 years old, which is simply too young to go.

It only makes sense then, even to Your Mama's gin soaked bird brain, that Mister Kanye would eventually sell Momma West's Playa del Rey residence located two short blocks from the sugar sand on Rindge Avenue. Sho enuf, thanks to a surf side tipster we'll call Slick Willie, Your Mama has learned that Momma West's crib has hit the market with an asking price of $1,745,000. For those not familiar with a map, Playa del Rey is a small beach community located just south of Marina del Rey and just north of Los Angeles International Airport. Your Mama is actually quite familiar with this stretch of the southrun Calee-fornia sand having once spent a summer living in a diminutive dorm room at nearby Loyola Marymount University with a strange but firm bodied young man who obsessively plucked the Flamenco guitar. Don't ask.

Prop records show Momma West's wood sided contemporary crib measures a modest 2,009 square feet with three bedrooms and three bathrooms. Records reveal the house was purchased through one of young Mister West's real estate trusts in June of 2005 for $1,649,000. Given those purchase and asking prices, Your Mama's bejeweled abacus informs us that Mister West will likely lose a few shekels on this sale of this property. However, much as Mister West enjoys making money flipping real estate, we're quite sure that profiting from the sale of this house is not part of his game plan.

It would appear that Momma West and her baby boy did some renovation work on the place including installing a sleek and sexy stainless steel kitchen, just exactly the sort the children might expect to find in Kanye's krib. It's really quite lovely to look at, like a shiny and well oiled muh-sheen. However, Your Mama worries about the necessity, practicality and cost of a full time gurl whose only responsibility would be to polish all that stainless steel until it shines like a mirror.

Listing information indicates the corner property offers "sparkling" ocean views, which is always nice, and a central courtyard perfect for tucking away when the wind comes whipping up off the ocean. There is also a brick paved backyard area which includes a sunken 1970s era redwood hot tub. This feature should appeal to all the middle-aged grass toking swingers who wanna listen to the pounding surf while trying to woo their spouse's co-worker into a threesome or moresome. Bowm-chicka-bow-bowm!

Your Mama is superstitious (and believe it or not, respectful) enough that we are loathe to speak ill of the dead or their homes. So we won't discuss our thoughts on the day-core. However, we can't leave the glass brick in the bathroom unmentioned. We are not much bothered by the grey slate tiles but we think all that glass brick in the bathroom was a serious error in design judgment. We hope that dated bit of design has not been replaced because Miz West and her filial design freak just hadn't yet gotten around removing that 1980s decorating derring-do.

Given that his house is well located near the beach and is priced only just above the 2005 purchase price, we imagine it will garner much interest. And we hope so. Because although we don't care for Kanye West's attitude or his music, we're not so callous that we don't want him to lay his mother's memory to rest. Let this be a lesson to the children...your momma can be taken away at any moment, so step away from your damn computer and call the woman who birthed you and tell her that you lerv her.

A Little Morning Mish Mash

As per usual on the Hump Day, Your Mama has about 40 million things to do so we're going to have a brief morning of mish mash.

1. Feisty flapjaw Ted Casablanca over at the glorious gossip grist mill that is E! Online recently reported that the world's most peripatetic parents Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have sold their New Orleans nest.

Prop records show the couple of do-gooding super stars paid $3,500,000 for the 7,435 square foot house in the wake of Hurricane Katrina. They bounced into town on several occasions with their large entourage of security, nannies, tutors and a trail of paps and even sent one or two of their multi-culti kiddies to some school or another, but the itchy footed family never seemed to put down much on the way of real roots in The Big Easy.

They are currently and allegedly holed up in the South of France at billionaire Paul Allen's Villa Maryland awaiting the arrival of twins. Or perhaps they've already moved to the Chateau Miraval, the 880 acre paparazzi proof estate they've reportedly leased near Aix en Provence.

Your Mama would not dare contradict Miss Casablanca or his crack team of tipsters lest we be subjected to a serious and severe verbal smack down. However, we would be ridiculously remiss in our "reporting" if we did not add that property records still show the big Pitt/Jolie manse on Governor Nicholls Street owned by a trust controlled by Mister Brad Pitt...or his people anyway. Perhaps the Parish people at the recorders office haven't gotten around to changing those records yet?

2.
We're a little late in getting this out, but The Washington Post reported some time ago that one and three quarter eared boxer Evander Holyfield denies that his 109 room mega manse in Fairburn, Fayette Country, GA will be foreclosed.

According to the legal notice in a local paper the 54,000 square foot mansion was scheduled to be auctioned off to the highest bidder on July 1. Your Mama sincerely hopes Mister Holyfield has saved his real estate ass because we seriously doubt there would be too many people in the Fairburn area looking to buy a behemoth with 17 bathrooms, 3 kitchens and a damn bowling alley.

3.
According to Fametastic, UK tabloid train wrecks Peter Andre and Katie Price–who for some reason Your Mama does not care to know goes "professionally" by the name Jordan–are house hunting in Beverly Hills. Ugh. The British blond with balloon sized breasts is reportedly willing to spend £3,000,000 for a house in Los Angeles where she's eager to "break into the US celebrity world."

Good grief children, does Hollywood really need another mammoth mammaried anal sex loving mother of three who named her daughter Princess–which is a dog's name, thank you–and was widely and publicly criticized for talking graphically about sex in front of her young children? Your Mama ain't no prude, but we don't think so.

Britney Spears Soon To Be on the Move. Again

Get ready children because the Britney Spears real estate crazy train is getting ready to pull out of the station. Again.

No puppies, on the mental mend Miz Spears has not had a relapse. However, from the sound of things the (thankfully) medicated single mommy of two will soon be tossing her trashy togs into the back of one of her many Mercedes and decamping to suburban Calabasas, where gated communities lined with "Mediterranean" and "Tuscan" style mcmansions reign soo-preme.

Due to her previous mental instability issues, Miz Spears' finances are currently controlled by her father Jamie who reportedly requested and was granted permission by the court to sell the 6 bedroom and 6.5 bathroom house Miss Spears purchased in December of 2006 in the aftermath of her acrimonious dee-vorce from wannabe white rapper turned full time daddy Kevin Federline. Your Mama imagines some of the well to do residents of The Summit will be celebrating with a good bottle of champagne tonight.

None of this is all that surprising to Your Mama given that Miz Spears has been recently seen touring high priced properties (see item #7), not to mention that she's repeatedly attempted to offload that tainted "Tuscan Villa" of hers in The Summit almost since the day she bought the 7,453 square foot crib and a late night lark, furniture and all. Besides, the Bev Hills house prolly holds lots of uglee and painful memories of pink wigs, sleepless nights, and random slime ball boyfriends like that Adnan dude and creepy Sam Lufti. What ever happened to him anyway? Once Brit's daddy wisely axed him from the picture, he's been awful quiet.

Anyhoo, for better or worse, we imagine all the paps and celebrity real estate gossips will be keeping an eye on all the guard gated communities in Calabasas looking for which newly built mcmansion Miz Spears buys next.

Kristan Cunningham Does It On A Dime

SELLER: Kristan Cunningham and Scott Jarrell
LOCATION: Glen Holly Drive, Pasadena, CA
PRICE: $1,250,000
SIZE: 1,483 square feet, 2 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: ...The kitchen and dining area flow directly into the two-story living room, which opens to a wide sheltered patio and grounds with garden pathways and spa. The original footprint has been creatively updated to incorporate an upstairs master suite, guest bedroom and bath, lower level media room with adjacent bath, and home office with a separate entrance.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Earlier this morning we discussed the brutally bastardized Buff & Hensman designed house purchased by bad boy actor Ryan Phillippe. Your Mama thought we'd continue in that same architectural vein and utilize our afternoon to discuss glue gun goddess Kristan Cunningham's Buff & Hensman designed digs in Pasadena that she and her huzband Scott Jarrell recently put on the market for $1,250,000.

Surely all the children remember Miss Cunningham as the preternaturally perky and fresh faced hostess and design dee-vah on her former HGTV program Design On A Dime, on which appeared from 2002-2006. Along with her crafty carpenter cohorts Spencer and that sorta hunky dark haired guy whose name we don't recall, she taught aesthetically challenged and penniless people how to perform do-it-yourself decorative feats of ingenuity like how to tie a few sticks together to make a coffee table, turn an ordinary sheet into a patio cabana and stick some tea-stained flip flops on the wall for an inexpensive artistic statement. For those of you who don't already know, let Your Mama inform you that the do it yourself decorator has now moved from HGTV to working with effervescent daytime television phenom and rising domestic arts godess Rachel Ray.

Anyhoo, property records show that Miss Cunningham and her huzband scooped up the 1,483 square foot house in August of 2003 for $729,000. Records show they purchased the 2 bedroom and 3 bathroom home from the Widow Buff herself. That's right children, this multi-floor and heavily massed residence was designed and built by Mister Conrad Buff as his last personal residence, which gives it a little extra humph in the architectural pedigree department.

Not long after buying, Miss Cunningham–no couch potato in the self promotion game–and her huzband embarked on a two year renovation scheme that was documented in a five part series featured in Better Homes and Garden's Do It Yourself magazine. Since Your Mama and he Dr. Cooter don't do it ourselves and we have never had the pleasure to peruse the above mentioned publication, Your Mama can only presume that the vintage meets modern concoction we see in the listing photos is the result of the couple's thorough redo of the residence that was completed sometime in 2006.

While there are any number of spray painted and hot glued objects in the house, it does not appear to Your Mama that Miss DIY did it all herself. Even little good with a jigsaw Spencer can't turn scrap cardboard and half a sheet of plywood into that kitchen with its high-brow appliances and costly custom fitted cabinetry. However, Miss Cunningham, clearly a hardcore Bargain Betty, mixed in her more noticeably designer pieces (i.e. the Panton dining room chairs), with thrift store and flea market finds and, of course, DIY projects such as those troubling trash can lids that have been spray painted white and hung on the living room wall and that Empire style sofa, which we'd bet Sister Woman's children that Miss Cunningham picked up at a yard sale and spent the better part of a weekend painting white and recovering the fabric elements with luscious grey (or is it chocolate brown?) velvet.

Your Mama's DIY rule number 37: When in doubt, strip it down and/or spray paint it white. Black works too.

Ordinarily we prefer wood floors have a matte finish (the toenails of our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly do less visible damage to a matte finish), but we freely confess that the shine and sheen on Miss Cunningham's floors is impressive and enviable indeed. We also appreciate that clever Miss Cunningham suspended identical 1970s era chandeliers over both the dining and living room spaces creating a lovely cohesive element in juicy juxtaposition to the different ceiling heights. For better or worse, Your Mama is often comforted by these little bits and pieces of uniformity in day-core and design. But that should not surprise the children given that Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter have the exact same silverware and glassware in each of our houses in order to provide a sense of continuity as we move from place to place.

We can imagine it might have been a cost saving measure, but Your Mama actually likes that the simple veneered cabinetry in the kitchen and the pictured bathroom are so similar as to be identical and we like it even better that they mirror the storage wall in the bedroom, a feature we would guess is original to the house. However we are concerned about the green and blue glass collection in the bedroom. Yes, it's one way to use an otherwise useless shelf area, but Your Mama sincerely hopes Miss Cunningham and her husband had the foresight to utilize some of the that excellent museum paste to make sure that in the event of an earthquake those fragile vases don't go projectile and tumble down to disfigure the face of whomever may be sleeping in that bed.

Miss Cunningham recently gave a brief tour of her Pasadena crib on Rachel Ray's hugely popular talk show. She did not mention that the place was for sale, but she does show viewers a lovely stained glass window and take viewers onto the sparsely done patio, her office/studio space and into the "man room" where dee-lishusly glam panels of black tufted leather line the walls. Miss Cunningham also points out a few more of her junk into diamonds DIY projects such as a dirt cheap Ikea cabinet she dressed up with brass accents. Listen puppies, those little brass doo-hickeys may in fact help that cabinet look a little something like a pricey campaign desk, but let's be honest, it's still an Ikea cabinet that could fall apart if you breathe on it or walk too closely to it.

We hear Miss Cunningham and her man-friend are leaving the west coast for the east where Rachel Ray films her screamingly successful program. But children, that's just a rumor from someone who claims to know them and, at this point, Your Mama can't verify that bit of gossip. So please remember that when you repeat it, make sure to say it's just idle gossip.

Between the few fleas left in New York City and the amazing dumpster diving along the better streets and avenues of the Upper East Side, Your Mama is quite certain that Miss Cunningham will find plenty of mis-matched chairs to paint white and box after box of broken dishes with which she can use to whip up a one of a kind floor lamp. For obvious reasons, we don't recommend that everyone DIY and we tease Miss Cunningham mercilessly, but we really do think she knows what she's doing...except with those garbage cans, that was a may-jah mistake hunny...and Your Mama wishes her all the best in her new television endeavors in whatever city she chooses to settle.

Ryan Phillippe's Asian Inspired Freak Out

BUYER: Ryan Phillippe
LOCATION: Rising Glen Road, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $7,150,000
SIZE: 8,300 square feet (approx., as per listing), 5 bedrooms, 7 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: One of a kind architectural oasis built by Buff & Hensman. Turn-key entertainers dream w/ soaring views. Gated & completely private. 5 bd, 7 ba. guest quarters w/ pvt exits, 2 master suites w/ office area in both, expansive living room & deck for large parties, media room, private office. Huge outdoor patio w/ chef's bbq, pool, spa, sauna/steam room & fire-pit. Asian-style gazebo overlooking pool. 2 story gym, master suite & media center with 14 ft ceilings & 60ft of head on jetliner city views.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Several weeks ago Your Mama heard from a well placed and always well informed tipster that recently dee-vorced hottie actor Ryan Phillippe (Flags of Our Fathers, Crash, Gosford Park) coughed up some big bucks to purchase an ass-uglee house near the tippy top of Rising Glen Road in the hills above West Hollywood. However, transaction records had yet to be filed and before we were able to sort through our spider web of contacts for a second source, the increasingly intrepid Miz Ann Brenoff at the LA Times scooped Your Mama on the purchase. Now of course, just about every real estate chatterbox and gossip glossy that cares about the oft-shirtless father of two has discussed the purchase. Whether the children like it or not, Your Mama feels like weighing in none the less.

Property records (and a tipster we'll call Ernie Eatsalot) reveal to Your Mama that Mister Phillippe, who now publicly dates Abbie Cornish–the twenty-something broo-net rumored to have been at the the center of his dust up and bust up with a-list actress Reese Witherspoon, purchased his homage to insanely bad Asian inspired day-core for $7,150,000.

The five bedroom and 7 bathroom decorative disaster was originally designed by mid-century modernists Buff & Hensman and given a major (and not particularly sensitive) overhaul by the previous owner and seller, The Beastmaster and The Cotton Club executive producer Sylvio Tabet. Your Mama can barely see through all that shoji screen silliness and Buddha badness to figure out if this house retains any of its original mid-century features or qualities or if Mister Phillippe will need to hire a good architect and a nice gay decorator to undo the architectural carnage and dee-pressingly one-noted day-core. For better or worse, right or wrong, Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter are of the minds that if a person needs that much "zen" bullshit around them at all times, what they really need is a good therapist and some strong meds and not another meditation mat.

Not surprisingly dubbed Rising Zen by Mister Tabet, the wall, gated and low slung residence measures either 5,033 square feet according to property records or 8,300 (approx.) according to listing information. Either way it's a big damn house for one dude. There are large but low ceilinged living and dining rooms, an overhauled kitchen with top grade appliances and a skylight, a media room (natch), double master suites, and a guest suite that includes a separate entrance. Listing information indicates several offices are spread throughout the house including one with a fish tank built into the wall.

By far the most notable interior space is the two story home gymnasium which sports concrete walls, a shiny concrete floor, pleasantly high ceilings and a giant vase with bamboo sticks that could easily act as spear-like weapons if necessary. Listen children, Your Mama recognizes that many people, particularly rich and famous people, have a penchant for dragging all that gym equipment into their homes. But we just don't get it. We don't care to break a sweat vacuuming at home so we certainly aren't going to strap ourselves into some damn Pilates contraption in the basement that will bend and twist our limbs like a pretzel. Besides, having all that exercise equipment hovering around and glaring at us while we tuck into a giant bowl of chocolate ice cream would only make us feel fat. And who needs that kind of judgment from a damn leg press machine?

Anyhoo, the large flat back yard includes a pool long enough to swim laps, a gigantic deck where the former soap stud turned film star can entertain about as many people as he wants, a spa, sauna and a steam room, a chef's barbecue (whatever that is), fire pit, a gorgeous view down the canyon and over the glittery and glitzy city lights below, and (SURPRISE!) an Asian style gazebo adjacent to the swimming pool. It appears to Your Mama that the gymnasium and one of the bedrooms...perhaps it is the guest suite?...have been tucked into the hillside and under the deck, a clever way to gain both interior and exterior square footage while preserving the view.

Perhaps Mister Phillippe has a thing for not very good Asian inspired day-core, but if we're being honest–and we always are–it is Your Mama's humble and utterly meaningless opinion that for seven and some million clams Mister Phillippe should have been able to buy himself a house not making a desperate effort to be a Shinto shrine with suede sofas and bedrooms. Just a thought.

Other nearby residents include that kooky and Clueless ack-trees Britney Murphy who forked over $3,850,000 to purchase her house from formerly batty Britney Spears back in 2003. A couple of doors down from Miss Murphy and her greasy looking daddy-huzband Simon Monjack is celebrity hypnotist Paul McKenna who recently spent $6,600,000 for his Regency style compound that was once owned by gay gazillionaire David Geffen who sold it to song writing super star Diane Warren. The British hypnotist claims, among other feats, to be able to hypnotize the fat right off of people, a (dubious) skill and talent that ought to make him millions of dollars in LaLa Land, land of fat obsessed skinny bitches.

Your Mama Hears...

...That Puff Daddy–or Pee Diddy Or Piddle Paddle or whatever damn moniker the fashion and music mogul's press people say he is supposed to be called nowawdays–is going Hollywood...West Hollywood, to be exact. No babies, Mister Diddy's not goin' gay, he's rumored to be forking over around $30,000 per month to lease a 4 bedroom house in the hills above West Hollywood.

Our source for this information, a ladee we'll call Fancy Nancy, swore Your Mama to secrecy and promised to cut off our fingers and private parts if we revealed much more information than that. And you know what children? Not only do we like our fingers and private parts, but if Your Mama has learned just one little thing since starting our little celebrity real estate endeavor, it's not to piss off the tipsters or the information dries up as quickly as Lindsay Lohan's career has ground to a screeching halt.

One last thing we can reveal about Mister Diddy's new digs is that it has two swimming pools. Two! One for Mister Diddy and all the scantily clad Hollywood hussies dim (and drunk) enough to believe that screwing the Pufferfish will help their careers, and another one for, well, everyone else.

The British Are Coming!

BUYER: Heather Mills
LOCATION: Perry Street, New York, NY
PRICE: $5,000,000 (asking)
SIZE: 1,808 square feet, 2 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: ...The apartment comprises of 1808 sq ft with living-dining space running the full length of the building, with two terraces at each end. Floor to ceiling windows surround this stunning two bedroom, two bathroom apartment. Every detail has been designed by Richard Meier including temperature controlled window shades, heating system, multi-zoned A/C, entertainments and sounds system.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Flush with a mountain of money from her fiercely brutal, all too public and dee-voonly dramatic dee-vorce from Beatle Paul McCartney, peg-legged British activist Heather Mills is getting on a jet plane and coming to America. Although no one knows how better to throw it down in front of a seething phalanx of paps, the much maligned Miz Mills is reportedly tuckered out tired of courting, er, Your Mama means being hounded by the British press and has reportedly contracted to purchase a $5,000,000 condominium in lower Manhattan.

Several weeks ago Miz ex-McCartney was spotted checking out pictures and plans for the undulating glass tower being built at One Jackson Square. However, it seems Missy Mills decided on something already built. According to the always well informed Braden Keil at the New York Post, Miz Mills is in the process of purchasing a ninth floor unit in one of the Richard Meier designed green glass towers that loom over the West Side Highway in the very far West Village.

The sleek, modern and minimally designed full floor unit encompasses 1,808 square feet and features a private elevator landing, two small balconies and long walls of floor to ceiling glass that provide awesome views of the mighty Hudson River as well as into the neighbors living rooms. The unit has been fitted and kitted with all the hi-tech gadgets a gurl could want and the living room stretches 40 feet across the front of the entire building. Both bedrooms are really more sleeping chambers than properly sized bedrooms and poor little Beatrice ,who will apparently be shuttled between her two warring parents, will only have an itty bitty bedroom that measures only a bit more than nine feet wide.

Property records (and the New York Post) reveal that the apartment is being sold by Joseph Castaldo, who heads up a textile company called The Style Council (and not the 1980s Brit band) who purchased the apartment back in September of 2002. Mister Meier's trio of architectural tour de forces, which have long been rumored and reported to suffer from leaks and other issues, have always attracted big name buyers including Vincent Gallo, Calvin Klein, Jean-Georges Vongerichten, Nicole Kidman Cruise Urban's sister Antonia Hawley, and tech titan Bill Joy who recently karate chopped the asking price of his tremendous and tasty triplex from a bone rattling $40,000,000 to an eye popping $33,000,000.

Nicole and Joel House Hunting Again.

Ever since pin thin Tinseltown princess Nicole Richie and her baby daddy Joel Madden popped out baby Harlow, they've been widely reported to be bunking down in Glendale, CA where the Good Charlotte front man owns a 3,281 square foot, 3 bedroom and 3 bathroom home on the same street as brother Benji...who in an only in Hollywood twist of romantic irony currently dates Miss Richie's childhood bestie and beastie, Paris Hilton. But that's another story for another blog...

In early June the young parents were spotted hunting for houses on the San Fernando Valley side of the Hollywood Hills and today the lovlies at E! Online whispered to the world that on Wednesday Mommy and Daddy also spent some time checking out a 3 bedroom and 2 bathroom house on bizzy Benedict Canyon Road in the Bev Hills P.O. The 1,919 square foot Cape-Cod style crib carries and asking price of $1,649,000 and listing information shows the walled, gated and nearly paparazzi-proof property, includes a fully outfitted kitchen with a Viking brand (electric cook top) range and Carrara marble counter tops, pre-wired plasma televisions, dee-lishus dark wood floors, stark white walls, and a swimming pool surrounded by a flag stone terrace.

What Your Mama wants to know is if there is a closet that can be fitted and kitted out to handle Miss Richie's impressive collection of sensationally large sunglasses. Bug-eyed bee-hawtcha seems to be giving Miss Elton John a run for her money in the sunglasses department, yes she does.

Anyhoo, the couple clearly want new digs to raise up that baby, so stay tuned because Your Mama is sure that'll when they do decide to bite the mortgage bullet, all the world's real estate gossips will be there to wag their tongues and pick apart the details.

David Duchovny and Tea Leoni Moving From Malibu

SELLER: David Duchovny and Tea Leoni
LOCATION: Carbon Mesa Road, Malibu, CA
PRICE: $12,000,000
SIZE: 6,578 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Unobstructed canyon and ocean views, complete privacy and "an antique country feeling" characterize this spectacular Malibu Estate on approx. 5.5 landscaped acres. Close to town, this magnificent property includes: an amazing 5-bedroom "Old World" main home, a fabulous outdoor living area, 2-room guest house over a 3-car garage, 2 swimming pool (one is regulation lap pool), separate gym & magnificent landscaped grounds.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Ack-tress Téa Leoni (The Naked Truth, Fun With Dick and Jane, and the upcoming Manure with bee-zar Billy Bob Thornton) has made no secret that she has zero desire to raise her two children in LaLa Land, and ever since the fall of 2007 when wicked wildfires swept through the hills above their Malee-boo compound, she has reportedly been desperate to convince her dee-voonly intelligent actor huzband David Duchovny (The X-Files, Californication) that it's high time to high tail it out of Los Angeles and get back to their native New York. In fact, Miz Leoni has given several interviews expressing her disdain for raising her children in Hollywood and was once quoted saying, "...my children are starting to get that sort of sunburned sleepy look, so I think it's time to get them back to New York," where she hopes they'll follow in her and Mister Duchovny's foot steps and attend fancy and expensive private schools like Brearly and Collegiate.

Your Mama happens to like that sleepy sunburned look, but then again Your Mama's Mama was a beach bunny and raised us up on the sunny sands of Calee-fornia so perhaps we're biased towards that particular look. Anyhoo, we've been hearing for months that the well educated Mister Duchovny and Miz Leoni were getting ready to list their 5.57 acre compound on Malee-boo's Carbon Mesa Road, and sho' enuf, they did. Thanks to Malibu Monica, Your Mama has learned that the well educated couple have put a $12,000,000 asking price on their gated estate that sits in a fire-prone part of Malee-boo that overlooks the Pacific Ocean.

Property records for this one are a bit vague and far too reticular for our simple mind to figure out this morning, but it appears the smarty pants pair purchased the place back in the late 1990s...or it could have been the early 1990s. If we're being honest children, and we always are, the truth is we really don't know. Perhaps Mister Big Time or the lovely and talented Miz Brenoff at the LA Times can sort that one out for us?

Listing information indicates the long and narrow quasi French-style farmhouse measures 6,578 square feet and was built in 1996. In addition to the 5 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms and all the expected rooms (living, dining, eat in kitchen, family room), listing information reveals "Old World" style residence also features a library/study, an office, an art studio, a two room guest house located above the detached three car garage, and a private gym filled with Pilates equipment so these two hot bodies can stay looking that way.

Six fireplaces take the edge off chilly evenings and damp Malee-boo mornings and the fully landscaped grounds include flat lawn areas, meandering pathways through the canyon below the house, several outbuildings, a small parking lot for guests and staff, and two swimming pools. Yes, children, two swimming pools. While both are lovely and offer magnificent views down the canyon to the Pacific Ocean, it seems an unnecessary extravagance to have two swimming pools that sit just a few feet from each other. Obviously someone here likes to swim laps, but was there really not a way to incorporate a lap pool into the existing free-form one? Just a thought.

The house itself, with its reclaimed wood beams and floors, stone walls and general patina of age isn't Your Mama's cup of residential tea. Neither is the day-core. However, the interior spaces offer a rustic romanticism tweaked with a healthy dose of intellectualism that seems to be a direct (and successful) reflection of the owners, their interests and their family, which is really what good decorating is all about, right? Your Mama finds there's an honesty about the day-core that leaves us little to beef or bitch about.

Yes children, the portentous pot rack is a high crime of design, the painting hanging on the stairs is way too big for that spot (we suspect there's something deeply sentimental about it), we're quite naturally concerned about the exorbitant cost of heating two swimming pools, and we'd certainly never choose to put a pair of cah-kee colored wing back chairs and grandma's striped sofa in our family room, however it works perfectly for this house and this family. Your Mama has no idea if Miz Leoni did up the day-core herself or if this is the handiwork of a nice gay decorator, but either way this is a lovely and layered home that quietly says, "We live here," rather than screams, "Are you impressed with my giant foyer?"

Your Mama's early morning research indicates that many (if not all) of the properties located up on curvy swervy Carbon Mesa Road include beach rights and membership at the coveted La Costa Beach and Tennis Club, which is an excellent feature considering many of the "better" beaches in Malee-boo can be a little difficult to access.

Carbon Mesa Road has long been a favorite Malee-boo street among rich and famous folks. Sean Penn has long owned the property next door to the Duchovny/Leoni digs but has yet to build a new house on the lot after the 1993 wildfires burned the existing one to the ground. Four time Oscar nominated actor Ed Harris (always a bridesmaid, never a bride) and his Oscar nominated wifey Amy Madigan live down the hill a bit, and a few months ago Your Mama heard that country music legend Tanya Tucker leased a house on the street. We can not confirm that children, so don't anyone go reporting that like it's gospel. More recently, country crooner Kenny Chesney forked over $7,400,000 for a comely casa on Carbon Mesa Road, changed his mind and quickly flipped it back on the market for $7,950,000.

All rumors and reports indicate that Mister Duchovny and Miz Leoni will be heading back to New York City. A quick search through property records do not reveal a recent purchase in Manhattan, but that does not mean it hasn't happened or one isn't in the works. In fact, Miz Leoni told a reporter from New York Magazine back in December of 2007 that she'd already made an offer for an apartment even though Mister Duchovny didn't yet know about it. Your Mama expects we may soon hear something on this from one of the extremely well informed New York based celebrity real estate gossips.

A Little Piece of OC Television History Goes on the Market

SELLERS: James and Katherine Conrad
LOCATION: Vista del Sol, Laguna Beach, CA
PRICE: $17,900,000
SIZE: 8,000 square feet (approx.), 7 bedrooms 6.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: ...The villa is thoughtfully designed to capture the many breathtaking vistas. The villa's noted architect, James Conrad, incorporated 200 year old reclaimed oak timbers and hand carved stone fireplace mantels to give the home a feel as if it was constructed centuries ago. The incredible infinity edge pool seems to spill into the Pacific Ocean below, providing a wonderful foreground to the panoramic ocean views....

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Long before The Hills' Lauren Conrad (aka LC) became queen bee-hawtcha of the confounding crop of young demi-celebs famous only for being famous, and way before she became a "fashion designer" and began feuding with her frenemies on the pages of all the gossip glossies, she was just another rich blond gurl from behind the Orange Curtain who lived a life of teenage luxury at her parent's lavish Laguna Beach mansion over looking the Pacific Ocean.

Although Your Mama and Dr. Cooter freely admit to suffering from a brain damaging reality television addiction, we rarely bother to tune in for The Hills, nor did we waste much time watching young Miss Conrad's former vehicle to fame, Laguna Beach: The Real Orange County. We find it both bo-ring and upsetting to watch a bunch of rich, white and entitled 20-something year old gurls shop and bitch about each other and then bitch and shop some more. Besides, we can read whatever we might (not) want to know about their fashion disasters, boyfriend brouhahas and alleged sex tape travails on the blogs and in the tabs without having to bear listening to them whine about each other on the boob-toob.

None the less, Your Mama recognizes that many of the children may think The Hills is television genius–and from a marketing and money making point of view, perhaps it is–and that Miss Lauren Conrad, also known as "LC," deserves a damn star of the Hollywood Walk of Fame. So with that in mind we're going to discuss the luxurious Laguna Beach home of Miss LC's parents, James and Katherine Conrad. Thanks to a thoughtful gentleman we'll call Laguna Larry, Your Mama has learned that the elder Conrads have dumped their high drama domicile on to the market with a side splitting $17,900,000 asking price. Yes puppies, this is the same house that was prominently featured on the Laguna Beach "reality" program.

The property records on this one are a wee bit confusing to Your Mama and it appears that Mister Daddy Conrad purchased the property in 1997, but the listing information indicates the house was built around 2004. Whatever the case, Your Mama presumes the already quite rich Conrads stand to make millions on the sale of this house regardless of when they bought and/or built their behemoth. How many times has Your Mama told the children that this is just another example of how the rich get richer in southern California kiddies...they buy low and sell ridiculously high.

Located on a calle called Vista del Sol on the land side of the swank and gated Three Arch Bay community, the neo-Tuscan style house (is that what the children would call it, Neo-Tuscan?) sits on an unusually large 11.4 acre lot and carries the slightly absurd name Villa San Lorenzo. The three story and (approximately) 8,000 square foot stone and stucco built house was designed and built by Mister Daddy Conrad himself, a well known and seriously successful Orange County based architect who is no doubt responsible for some of the big mcmansions that have proliferated throughout the area.

Listing information for the property reveals that the house includes 6 bedrooms and 7.5 bathrooms, four fireplaces (living room, family room, master bedroom and outdoor patio) and garaging for four cars, because no one, and we mean no one likes to leave their hundred and something thousand dollar Mercedes' and tricked out Range Rovers sitting in the blistering southern Calee-fornia sunshine. The master suite, which occupies considerable square footage on the main level includes a private laundry room perfect for anyone who prefers not to have Lucinda the Laundress wash and fold their fetish wear. Because let's be honest, household help gossip about their employers, and who needs that information floating about amongst your neighbors hired hands?

According to listing information, other rooms include formal living and dining rooms, a den/office, a second laundry room, gym and a gigantic kitchen with all manner of carved corbells, granite counter tops and top grade appliances. The interior spaces have been done up and done over in all manor of beiges and browns with acres of limestone floors, stone walls, 200-year old reclaimed oak timber beamed ceilings, carved stone fireplace mantels and plaster walls that have processed and painted to appears as if they've weathered and withstood the test of time...which, of course, they have not since this house is fake old, rather than actually old.

Here's Your Mama's two cents on the day-core: It's all very theatrical and expensive looking and yet, besides the awesome views of the coastline, everything looks utterly ordinary to Your Mama. It looks exactly as we imagine the mcmansions of half the rich people in Orange County look. Tell me the interior spaces of this house are not nearly indistinguishable from the Coto de Caza calamaties of Jeana and Vicki from the Housewives of Orange County?

Anyhoo, the house sits high on a promontory which provides the back of the house and the rear yard with soo-blime views of the sort that only the very rich in Orange County can afford nowadays. The outdoor entertainment areas have been worked over like a private resort and include a large outdoor living area with fireplace (perfect for sipping gin and tonics in the shade), lots of flagstone terraces and a kidney shaped infinity edged pool that from the right angle appears to slip right into the Pacific Ocean far below.

The children will recall that young Miss Conrad recently forked over $2,360000 for a Los Angeles home of her own on N. Orange Grove Avenue. Your Mama discussed the purchase back in January of 2008. We have no information on why the Mommy and Daddy Conrad would sell their little slice of Orange County real estate heaven, but Your Mama can only presume they're moving to some place equally as big and beige.

It's a Mish-Mash Morning

Sorry children, but Your Mama is simply too blisteringly bizzy today to be sassy, clever or long winded. So this is what we have for you today. It ain't much, but we promise we have some good stuff lined up for the next few days.

1.
First and foremost we're going to give Mister Big Time a wee assist with his most recent "Which Celebrity House Is This?" query. With the help of our wickedly well informed pal Lucy Spillerguts Your Mama learned that the house in question was purchased by actor Dave Annabelle. Middle aged ladees and Sunday night TV watching gays will likely recognize Mister Annabelle as the (quasi) rebellious youngest son with drug issues on that sappy and maudlin Brothers and Sisters program that features the dee-lishus Sally Field, one of the too few women of a certain age in Hollywood aging in a dignified manner.

We have Our Fairy Godmother in West Hollywood to thank for the few photos of the house (above). We don't care for the previous owners obsession with "masculine" furniture and we find the landscaping more exuberant than we prefer, but otherwise Your Mama thinks Mister Annabelle chose wisely.

Interestingly, Mister Big Time discussed another Brothers and Sisters actor yesterday. Turns out Welsh born actor Matthew Rhys–a confirmed heterosexual and talented actor who (al)most convincingly plays the über-neurotic homosex brother–also picked up a new nest. Seems that Mister Rhys chose more modest and, at $1,263,000, a less expensive digs than his television brother.

2.
Oh dear. It appears Meet the Fockers and West Wing ack-turuss Teri Polo might be the next celebrity to lose her financial panties in the sagging real estate market. According to the mysterious man who pens the Manhattan Beach Confidential blog, Miz Polo's Manhattan Beach home has, "shifted to 'backup status.'" This is usually an indication that an offer has been accepted. Which sounds great, except...

Property records reveal that in May of 2006 Miz Polo purchased a 5 bedroom and 4 bathroom Manhattan Beach house for $2,500,000. Fast forward to February 2008 when Blondie Acktress put the 3,007 square foot residence on the market for $2,599,000. A few (or four) months later, Miz Polo and her real estate pee-pole used a massive machete to karate chop the asking price all the way down to $2,099,000. It does not take Your Mama's bejeweled abacus (or a bird brain) to figure out the asking price is far below what she paid for the "Asian inspired contemporary" residence. Uh oh.

With the new price along came a buyer. Of course, we have no idea what sort of numbers were offered, but whatever they were–and we'd bet our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly they offered less than the asking price–it appears poor Miz Polo will lose her down payment, and perhaps even more. Such is the sorry state of things for folks who paid top dollar for their properties in the white hot real estate market of the early and mid 2000s and are choosing to sell now.

3.
Miss I Have a Private Hair Salon In My Home Angela Bassett and her huzband Courtney Vance have lowered the price of their Hancock Park house. Again. When Your Mama first discussed the five bedroom and 6.5 bathroom residence on Fremont Place in July of 2007 the asking price was $5,999,000. In early May of 2008 we noted that the price had been hacked to $4,600,000 and today, thanks to Jazzy Jean, we see the price has once again been sliced and diced all the way down to $3,900,000. Considering these two Yale trained thespians purchased this house a long damn time ago, they're still looking at pocketing a couple million even at the much reduced asking price.

Mitt and Ann Romney Get a California getaway

BUYERS: Mitt and Ann Romney
LOCATION: Dunemere Drive, La Jolla, CA
PRICE: $12,000,000
SIZE: 3,009 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Rare BEACHFRONT residence featuring direct access to sandy beach, a quiet cul-de-sac location, spacious oceanfront deck, numerous patio areas with manicured lawns and mature landscaping, lap pool & spa.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Last week Your Mama received an informative communique from Glenda the Good Witch down in San Diego who forwarded an article from the San Diego Union-Tribune that revealed former Massachusetts governor and failed Republican presidential hopeful Mitt Romney and his wifey Ann were in the process of purchasing a ocean front hideaway in La Jolla, a ritzy and divinely bee-yoo-ti-full beach town just north of San Diego.

It took Your Mama a few days to get the details sorted out, but property records do indeed reveal that the filthy rich Romneys purchased an ocean front house on La Jolla's Dunemere Drive. Listing information indicates the Mediterranean style house sits on a .42 acre lot, measures 3,009 square feet (approx.) and includes 3 bedrooms and 5 bathrooms. Other amenities include a 2-car garage, a land side lap pool and spa, a water side deck with panoramic views of the mighty Pacific Ocean and private stairs to the sugary sand.

Although the Republican operators live primarily in Massachusetts–and own vacation homes in Deer Park, UT and a lake front house in New Hampshire–they'll not be starved for conservative beach buddies. See puppies, not only is that neck of the woods crawling with right leaning well to do types, the new Romney residence happens to sit right next door to the famed and much ballyhooed Cliff Robertson estate, which was scooped up by John and Victoria Miller in March of 2008 for a reported $16,500,000. The Millers are not only friends of the Romneys, they also served as financial chairs for Mister Romney's failed run at the Whitehouse. Thick as thieves these four.

Listing information for the well located property with its dee-pressingly dated day-core indicates the seller was willing to entertain offers between $12,000,000 and $14,000,876. Yes babies, the listing really did include that silly number. Amongst real estate pee-pole, this sort of thing is called "range pricing," and quite frankly Your Mama thinks it's stoopid. Who in their right mind would offer a seller $14,000,876 for a property where the seller has made it perfectly plain they'd be just as happy to entertain an offer of $12,000,000? Who? Maybe in the brisk and blazing markets of a year or two ago that sort of thing encouraged multiple offers be tossed on the table. But those days are long gone for most areas and according to the records we accessed, Mister and Missus Romney paid exactly $12,000,000 for the ocean front property. Imagine that?

Clearly Missus Romney will need a talented team of nice gay decorators to get all up in there and works some shit out because this house looks like it has not been touched since 1980, the year it was built. It goes without saying all those hideous chairs and the beige rugs will be hauled out to the dumpster and Your Mama suggests that the Romney's spend a few hundred thousand doing over the kitchens and bathrooms in a style befitting someone of their financial stature. We hope the couple will bring in a local landscaper who knows a thing or two about indigenous vegetation and do something about the paltry and pathetic landscaping on the ocean side of the house that gives the rear facade the vague visage of an upscale mobile home. Your Mama would also consider opening up the ceilings to gain some volume, particularly in the living and dining rooms. This is a single story house and there's really no need to feel smashed down by vast planes of just slightly too low ceilings.

What we do like, of course, are the sensational views and how most of the rooms pictured open up to outdoor spaces, including the master bathroom. How nice would it be to brush and floss the choppers with the French doors flung open like that? We're also terribly fond of the lap pool and spa area. Not because Your Mama makes desires to break a sweat swimming laps, but rather we very much appreciate and enjoy a sheltered and quiet spot to get away from the strong winds that often sweep up off the ocean.

It probably goes without saying that Mister Romney's politics are not those of Your Mama, and we shiver and shudder at the notion mentioned in the San Diego Union-Tribune that he mightl like to establish California residency in order to step into the shooz of California Governator Arnold Schwarzenegger who leaves office in 2010. Oh dear Jeezis, please say it ain't so. In the meantime, Mister Romney and his heavily considered coiffure are rumored to be on Republican Senator John McCain's short list for Vee-Pee. No comment.

Lenny Dykstra Is Flipping Out Too

SELLER: Lenny Dykstra
LOCATION: Newbern Court, Westlake Village, CA
PRICE: $24,900,000
SIZE: 7+ acres, 12,360 square feet, 8 bedrooms 7.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: This timeless estate, designed by architect Richard Landry, sits atop a secluded promontory w/ panoramic views of Lake Sherwood community & the Country Club facilities. This 7+/- acre gated compound, creates the perfect blend of old world grandeur w/ today's modern amenities which include Formal Grand Salon, Billiards room, Screening Room, Outdoor Verandas, Fitness Facility, Championship Tennis Court, 2 separate guest apartments, all set against the backdrop of manicured gardens & lawns.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Yes children, we are a little late to the rodeo on this one since Mister Big Time already got to this real estate bizness some days ago, but there's another celebrity (or quasi-celebrity, depending on who you ask) flipping out and hoping to pad his man-purse with big dollar returns and Your Mama could not pass up discussing the situation. See puppies, this gigantic neo-Georgian brick behemoth located behind the gates of the Sherwood Country Club near Thousand Oaks, CA is being flipped by the unfortunately named ball player Lenny Dykstra.

Our early morning research and late night consultation with ball crazy bee-hawtcha Fiona Trambeau informs Your Mama that Mister Dykstra is indeed a very famous and former professional baseball player who was widely known for his wild lifestyle and has been implicated and gotten all tangled up in this ugliness about steroid use among baseball players. But we also learned that now retired Little Lenny Dykstra, who went by the nickname "Nails," is a very successful (if unlikely) day trader, rides around in a Maybach, flies around in a private jet and runs several upscale car washes around southern California.

Mister Dysktra purchased this palatial pile only in August of 2007 when he paid ice hockey hot shot Wayne Gretzky a reported $18,500,000 for the 6.69 acre spread. By the way, that's the number Your Mama's sources provide us with too...eighteen point five million. Anyhoo, shortly after stuffing the 12,360 square foot mansion full of sports memorabilia, flat screen televisions and glitzy and expensive furniture–some of which–for example the dining room chairs–look left over from Mister Gretzky–Nails changed his rich and fickle real estate mind.

Like Miz Mariska Hargitay, who is attempting to flip her Manhattan penthouse for a plenitudinous profit, so is Mister Dysktra, only out in the suburban wilds of Los Angeles. Mister Dykstra's commodious compound in Westlake Village/Thousand Oaks was recently re-listed with an eye popping asking price of $24,900,000. Now children, we don't know what, if any, "improvements" Mister Dykstra make to the stately estate or what sorts of justifications and rationalizations were used to arrive at a stunning $6,400,000 increase in value in just nine short months, but Your Mama fell out with flummox and flabbergast when we read about the financial audacity and real estate cojones of Mister Dykstra and his crack team of real estate agents.

Given that the 13,173 square foot mega-manse next door (7 bedrooms and 11 bathrooms on 6.36 acres) is also for sale at $12,995,000, Your Mama thinks that Mister Dykstra's asking price might be, uhm, optimistic, particularly when you consider that Great One Gretzky needed to dramatically lower the price of this very same mansion from it's original asking price of $25,000,000 to it's last asking price of $18,500,000 before it was snapped up by Mister Dykstra and family. And that was back when the real estate market was sizzling hot, whereas now, well, not so hot.

The hill topping compound, which includes four separate buildings (main house, Mister Dykstra's office, a fitness center and guest quarters), was designed by Richard Landry, the man responsible for many of the grandiose and over-sized piles in rich and famous filled Beverly Park as well and kooky Kenny G's exuberantly decorated Malee-boo mansion. As the children might expect, Mister Dysktra's 8 bedroom and 7.5 bathroom property includes just about every dee-luxe amenity a ridiculously rich bizness executive with a family might dee-sire. There's a country club style driveway and porte cochere, garaging for many luxury cars, a sizable swimming pool, two spas (one accessible only through Mister Dykstra's office), a not optimally oriented east-west tennis court, a detached building that's been converted into a fitness center, a screening room, a large double height living room with a built in bar (because it's best to booze up the guests before dinner). Listing information also indicates there is a billiards room, wide verandas perfect for sipping afternoon gin and tonics, reading the tabs and contemplating one's financial successes, several acres of manicured gardens and meticulously mowed lawn, and long views over Lake Sherwood and the golf course. About the only things missing here are modesty, architectural restraint and a place to land a damn helicopter.

There are, of course, a number of quirky features features such a flat screen television mounted the wall of the second floor veranda off the master bedroom so that the Mister and Madam of the house can watch porn and re-runs of Reba al fresco, should they so choose.

This type of residential extravagance may not be Your Mama's cup of architectural or decorative tea, however there are none-the-less two features we're swooning over. The first is, of course, the extreme molding situation. Seldom does one see a newly built house fitted with these sorts of intricate and heavy duty moldings. We can do without the cherubim shoved up into the ceiling corners passing judgment on the room, and we can only hope all that molding is plaster work as opposed to some sort of crazy plastic crap, but children, even the minimalists and modernists among us should be able to appreciate the crazy attention to detail in the moldings. The other item that makes us pee in our pants a little is that amazing shine on the wood floors. Those floors are glossed up like a damn mirror and they're exquisite. We're quite sure they're not easy or inexpensive to maintain (one errant and spiked Jimmy Choo could quite easily create a floor disaster), but gawd dammit, they're outrageous.

Maybe and probably they know a thing or two about high end suburban real estate that Your Mama does not, but we're going to cross and fingers and toes and wish Mister Dykstra and his real estate agents the best of luck getting this big and bold house sold, we think they're going to need it.

Mariska Hargitay Flips Out on Sixth Avenue

SELLER: Mariska Hargitay and Peter Herman
LOCATION: Sixth Avenue, New York, NY
PRICE: $8,250,000 (monthlies; $2,678 Maint / 6,1162 tax
SIZE: 4,819 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Spectacular 4,819 sf duplex home atop the O'Neill Condominium offering 3 bedrooms and 3.5 baths with 2,549 sf of expansive and private planted entertaining terraces off the living space. A 53' x 19' living space with walls of windows and light opens to 2 terraces, top of the line eat in kitchen with separate breakfast room/family room opens to terrace, Cupola media room and 2 bedrooms and 2 baths comprise the 1st level. Upstairs is the master bedroom suite which opens to a terrace from the bedroom as well as an over sized spa bath with walk-in closets.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Late last night Your Mama was combing through Manhattan real estate listings while the Dr. Cooter was watching that mystifying momager Dina Lohan on her new E! reality show Living Lohan, which the bigwigs say is meant to be about teenage wannabe superstar Ali Lohan, but seems to be way more about Miz Dina Lohan herself. Anyhoo, as we merrily rolled along scanning floor plans and haughtily scrutinizing the chesterfield choices of total strangers, we noticed a large and strangely familiar living room rug in an impressively terraced penthouse. As we sat on the sofa slowly stroking our pussycat Sugar–who was having an unusually friendly moment–we wracked our gin soaked brain until Bazingo! Yes children, it's the very same rug that once graced the floor of the Jeffrey Bilhuber designed TriBeCa penthouse of Law & Order queen bee Mariska Hargitay and her huzband, the former soap stud (Guiding Light) turned Law & Order princeling Peter Herman.

Naturally Your Mama's little brain went into a tailspin and we had to pour another round of gin and tonics to settle our nerves because a quick search of the internets revealed it was only last fall that all the real estate gossips, including Your Mama, went wild reporting the purchase of a Sixth Avenue penthouse by the then preggers Emmy winning actress and her good lookin' and scruffy faced huzband. Clearly they've changed their fickle little minds and are flipping the penthouse because it's back on the market with an $8,250,000 asking price.

Property records show in October of 2007, less than nine damn months ago, the couple paid an even-steven $7,000,000 for their 4,819 square foot high drama duplex on bizzy, wide and loud Sixth Avenue. The current asking price for the multi-terraced penthouse that includes 3 bedrooms and 3.5 bathrooms indicates that even after they fork over the considerable real estate fees, they're still lined up to pocket half a million clams or more for the bother and energy spent purchasing and owning the building topper for less than one year. Not bad work if you can get it.

Situated on the top two floors at the south end of the famed O'Neill Building, the condo includes a 1,000 square foot living/dining room, more than 2,500 square feet of planted terraces, two secondary bedrooms,each with it's own private pooper, and a master bedroom that occupies the entire second floor and features a private terrace, and gigantic bathroom and a large dressing room closet. However, by far the most interesting feature of the south and east facing penthouse is the media room that is located in the circular "cupola" which sits just below one of the two restored and easily recognized gold onion domes perched on the corners of the building. Although much reviled by some, Your Mama actually likes them. They're odd, quirky, totally artificial, entirely unnecessary and give an otherwise ordinary and bland stretch of Sixth Avenue lined with mass market retailers like Old Navy and Blood Bath and Beyond a little visual zip and zeal.

The terraces are vast and lovely and having nearly 5,000 square feet of living space in the middle of Manhattan is certainly a dee-voon luxury only the rich can afford. However, is it just Your Mama or does it seem a soupçon strange that the generously paid couple simply moved the furniture from their previous penthouse on Beach Street to this one? Why is it that we expect rich and famous folks to trash everything when they move from one location to the next? Hmm. We'll have to think about that.

Whatever the case, Miz Hargitay should prolly have consulted Mister Bilhuber before bringing all that furniture to her Sixth Avenue penthouse because it looks rather puny and under scaled in that 53-foot long living room. Speaking of which...it's a lovely room with a long wall of floor to ceiling glass that would surely give our house gurl Svetlana conniptions, but Your Mama worries considerably that a 53-foot long living/dining room might easily suffer from intimacy issues without the deft hand of a nice gay decorator.

We are a little distressed by the unhappy marriage between the cabinets and the lovely wood floors in the kitchen, and we think the crystal chandelier–while a nice touch and an interesting juxtaposition to the clean lined cabinetry–is simply too meager to make the statement it could and should be making.

We do, of course, love the relationship of the master bedroom suite to the rest of the house...who needs guests near enough to hear the host fornicating or fighting? And we also appreciate that the developer thoughtfully included private poopers for each of the secondary bedrooms, a feature we don't see enough in ultra high-end properties.

The couple reportedly unloaded their Beach Street penthouse –for $5,100,000–because they wanted and needed more square footage to house their expanding family. That place, amazingly, included a private garage, a feature worth a lot of money to anyone who pays an extortionist amount of money to park their fancy car in a Manhattan parking garage where the attendants bang up the bumpers and run down the battery while they sit in the cars and eat their lunches and listen to the radio. 'Tis true, puppies. We know from experience.

Anyhoo, where this peripatetic pair and their itty bitty baby will move once this penthouse gets sold is nuthin' but a mystery to Your Mama. Will they leave the city for some leafy and expensive Westchester suburb to raise their family? Will they move back to Los Angeles where they sold their Warbler Way house back in 2006? Did they find a cute little townhouse in the West Village that has a roof terrace and a wee back yard? If Your Mama was the betting type–and we're not because we love our money way too much to give it away–we'd put our cards on the ever intrepid and enviously rolodexed Max Abelson at the NY Observer as the one who will get that scoop. So get to it Maxie Boy, we're counting on you this time.

YOUR MAMAS UPDATE (later same day): Well, we like to give credit where credit is due and it turns out that Mister Josh Barbanel, the gentleman who writes the Big Deal column for the New York Times, actually wrote about Miz Hargitay flipping her penthouse yesterday...on June 8...we just hadn't seen it yet. Nor did we, obviously, bother to look.

Mister Barbanel reports that Miz Hargitay and Mister Herman are looking to move uptown because their young son will be attending a (no doubt esteemed and ridiculously expensive) pre-school on the Upper East Side and it's an awfully long daily trek from Chelsea to the Upper East Side.

So there you have it...just another of many examples of the crazy real estate ways of the rich and famous.

UPDATE: Avril Lavigne

Well children, you can praize Jeezis or Allah or the Buddha or whatever damn god you please. Just praize somebody. The deal has finally been done and Your Mama can finally stop yakking and blathering on about faux punk princess Avril Lavigne and her long and arduous journey to sell her former home on Clerendon Road in Beverly Hills. Trust us when we tell the children that no one is more thrilled to not have to discuss this rebellious little rocker and her real estate drah-muh more than Your Mama.

Yesterday, Miz Ann Brenoff who now pens the Hot Properties column for the LA Times revealed that The Spitter managed to unload her real estate white elephant located in the guard gated Mulholland Estates community for $5,200,000. Cash.

That certainly sounds like an impressive amount of money don't it children? Well, it is a substantial sum of money, but it ain't nowhere near the last asking price of $5,800,000 and even father from what she wanted for the house when she listed it more than a year ago at $6,900,000.

The poor dear has gone through several real estate agents–the last one, the one earning the fat commission, being Paris Hilton's uncle Mauricio Umansky–and, according everyone Your Mama has ever talked to who would be in a position to know, several deals that went south before anyone was willing to sign on the multi-million dollar dotted line.

Records and reports all say The Spitter bought her former bachelorette pad back in 2004 for $4,450,000, so the gurl prolly still managed to eek out a few shekels even after the real estate fees. And from the sound of things, she could probably use whatever shekels she can get.

The Spitter and her huzband, Sum 41 front man Deryck Whibley, currently shack up in another guard gated community called Bel Air Crest where they forked over $9,500,000 for a 12,184 square foot mansion with 8 bedrooms, 10 full and 2 half bathrooms...enough to keep a minimum wage house gurl busy for days on end. As has been widely reported by every real estate gossip that ever was, Mister and Missus Spitter bought the house from tattooed rocker Travis Barker and that Paris Hilton hating former beauty pageant gurl Shanna Moakler.

UPDATE: Kimora Lee Simmons

The photos of Miz Kimora Lee Simmons' flip property on guard gated Lime Orchard road that recently hit the market with a $7,750,000 asking price have at last been revealed.

Some will say what Madam Baby Phat has done is a marked improvement over how the house looked when she bought in August of 2007, and everyone–including Your Mama know with every fiber of their being that his is insanely better than that upsetting and over done mansion she called home in Saddle River, New Jersey. However, Your Mama still thinks this is an uglee-ass brick faced half timbered quasi-Tudor tragedy with strangely mis-matched dining room chairs and too many beige chesterfields. We freely admit the house is not without its interior charms–the entrance hall is pretty great, the leaded glass windows are cool, we like the newly dark-stained floors and she's got a nice Basquiat or two–but overall it's kind of a mess. Eight million clams to have your swimming pool surrounded by concrete. Oh, hell no. And what are all those red vases from Pier One doing in the living room? Is that decorating or staging? Miss Phat, we know you and your nice gay decorator can do better than that.

Your Mama is also not fond of what's been done to the kitchen. Yes, it's better than the faux farmhouse fantasy of the previous owners, but despite 50 or 60 thousand smackers in refrigerators, this looks like the kitchen of any big ol' generic tract house in suburban Rancho Palos Verdes or Calabasas...fancy, expensive and well appointed, but or-dih-naree.

We can see now that Miz Simmons did indeed have the tennis court removed and replaced with a long stretch of sod. Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter love little more than a backyard tennis court but we also recognize that the previous court was wedged on to this property like a Japanese bizness man on a bullet train. Besides, not only do Miz Simmons' pampered princesses Ming and Aoki need a place to run around in their little dee-ziner outfits and high heeled sneakers, but Your Mama imagines that our favorite blinged out beehawtcha doesn't care to work up a sweat running around on a damn tennis court anyway.

Even though the children are less certain, Your Mama still thinks Miss Phat will manage to unload this place at a profit...Like we said before, there's just something about these places on Lime Orchard Road that make them appealing to the rich and famous. We hear Jennifer Aniston's latest squeezebox John Mayer is hunting around for new digs...have you seen this John Boy?

Now my little chickadees, the real question of the day is where will Madam Baby Phat and her paramour Mister Hon-soo go next? Anyone?

Phillip Seymour Hoffman Bites the West Village Bullet

BUYER: Phillip Seymour Hoffman
LOCATION: Jane Street, New York, NY
PRICE: $4,400,000
SIZE: 3 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: One of a kind three bedroom, 2.5 bath apartment in the best location in the West Village. High ceiling, beautiful wood floor, authentic doors from Provence, and a wood burning fireplace. The living room is one of the largest single spaces in the West Village. The bathrooms are finished to perfections, and the entire apartment is a quintessential West Village oasis.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: According to Braden Keil at the NY Post, the disheveled and intensely hirsute faced thespian and film actor Phillip Seymour Hoffman and his long time ladee luver Mimi O'Donnel have finally gone to contract to purchase a lofty apartment on Jane Street in the West Village which carried an impressive asking price of $4,400,000. At first we thought this was not a done deal as the listing is still marked "in contract" on the broker's website. However, thanks to our ever intrepid researcher B.S. Beaverman, we've learned that the sale has already been recorded with the city.

Apparently these two luvbirds had a tough time making up their minds because Mister Keil reports they've been stomping around the West Village for more than two years looking for a place to hang their hat, park the Oscar (for Capote) and stash the two children they've made out of wedlock.

According to listing information for the 5th floor loft unit, the Seymour Hoffman O'Donnel's will be allowed to have pets and will be forking over $2,107 per month in maintenance charges. The family will soon be hunkering down in an open plan living/dining/kitchen area that the hyperbolic listing declares "one of the largest single spaces in the West Village." We don't know about that, but it does have some nice and high ceilings, generously sized windows on two sides, a brick faced wood burning fireplace and a cabinetless kitchen. Presumably a large pantry makes up for the lack of overhead storage.

Here's what we don't like:

1. Although often touted as desirable in New York City apartments below 23rd Street, Your Mama is not fond of the exposed brick walls as they remind us too much of all the wine bars that popped up everywhere in the early 1980s.

2. Your Mama is not fond of open plan living where you have to keep the kitchen spotlessly clean or be distracted by the dirty dishes while trying to concentrate on those wacky (and sometimes deeply disturbing) women on The Housewives of New York City.

3. The closet space seems slim for a family of four, but we imagine Mister Hoffman can well afford a nearby studio apartment to store all the unnecessaries.

4. Lastly, we're a little concerned about the size and shape of the third bedroom. Which of Mister Hoffman and Miss O'Donnel's two children will be punished with that room?

Here's what we do like:

1. Your Mama loves a fireplace to warm the tootsies on cold winter nights.

2. We're very appreciative of the separate laundry room. Too often in these downtown loft conversions we see washers and dryers stuck under the counters in the kitchen...a definite no-no in our big book of floor plan design.

3. The master bathroom is quite impressive even if neither Your Mama nor the Dr. Cooter would ever use that gigantic bathtub for anything but bathing our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly. Sitting in a heated up vat of our own filth is not our idea of a relaxing evening. The shower on the other hand looks like a nice place to have a nekkid party. Oh! Did we say that out loud?

4. The separation between the bedrooms is a real bonus when it comes to fornicating and fighting...who needs guests or the children listening to one's most private moments, right?

The West Village is, of course, home to all sorts of rich and famous folks who have been snapping up townhouses left and right in the last 6 or 7 years. Vanity Fair head honcho Graydon Carter lays up in a newly renovated townhouse on Bank Street, Vogue's icy high priestess Anna Wintour shacks up in a townhouse on Sullivan Street, and exuberantly paid supa-model and baby daddy stealer Giselle Bundchen recently bought an 11th Street townhouse.

Sex and The City queen bee Sarah Jessica Parker and her noted thespian hubby Matthew Broderick have long called a Charles Street townhouse home (they also appear to own another townhouse on MacDougal Street), and apparently, troubled but well paid actor Kiefer Sutherland maintains a place in the West Village as does newly separated ack-tress and mommy Liv Tyler. Film director Bart Freundlich and his enormously talented red headed wifey Julianne Moore have a townhouse as well as a studio apartment on Bethune Street, and twin titans Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen are reported to be sharing a rented 10-room triplex in a West 13th Street townhouse.

Brooke Shields recently bought a townhouse on West 10th Street and who could forget that the far West Village is where artist Julian Schnabel is have a wee bit of trouble unloading those high ceiling follies at the Palazzo Chupi.

The famous folks who don't live in the West Village still like to hang out there in low key but celebrity heavy haunts like Bar Pitti and The Waverly Inn.

Phew! On that note, Your Mama has some coffee to drink up.

In Other Celebrity Foreclosure News...

First there was the juiced up beefy baseballer Jose Conseco who walked away from his multi-million dollar mansion in Encino, then yesterday the world learned that old man Ed McMahon is facing foreclosure on his Bev Hills mansion, and today we received a communique from the Georgia Peach who linked Your Mama over to an article in the Atlanta Journal Constitution that details the foreclosure drama swirling around boxing bigwig and Dancing With the Stars alum Evander Holyfield.

Now children, as you might expect, the only information Your Mama knows about former World Heavy Weight Champion Mister Holyfield is that moe-ronic Mike Tyson once bit off a chunk Mister Holyfield's ear in a fight and that the man is a damn fool for being a boxer to begin with. Jeezis H. Christ children, is there a more brutal, undignified or stoopid sport than boxing? All you fighting fans can whimper and whine all you want, but Your Mama's answer to that question will always be, "No."

Anyhoo, not only is Mister Holyfield reported to be legal hot water for not paying child support to absurdly named baby momma Toi Jenese–one of the six women who pushed out one of Mister Holyfield's nine children–the bird brained boxer's mammoth mansion that sits on 235 acres southwest of Atlanta in an itty bitty place called Fairburn is scheduled to be auctioned off on the county courthouse steps on Ju-lye the first. But children, we ain't done with Mister Holyfield's legal tanglings and troubles quite yet. Oh no. According to gossip juggernaut TMZ, the seed spreading and not very frugal fist fighter is also being sued to the tune of $550,000 for allegedly unpaid landscaping bills.

Mister Holyfield's residential pile of bad taste is reported to have 104 rooms, 54,000 square feet and sits on a huge chunk of land made up of several parcels strung along Evander Holyfield Highway. You can't make that shit up children. And did you note the big daddy sized swimming pool? Holy cow!

How does this happen to people who make a couple hundred million smackers during their careers? We know they got the taxes, people to pay, and this one's got nearly dozen damn children to support, but still, Mister Holyfield was reportedly paid a whopping $34,000,000 for that famous fight with mystifying Mike Tyson in 1997 and there's simply no excuse for not having any of it left. None.

We want to feel bad for the man because it's never easy for anyone, rich or poor, to suffer the loss of their home. However, we're feeling cynical today and we don't feel bad. This man was not bamboozled or confused by some silly sub-prime loan resetting, and his one time fat bank account would have gained him entry into the offices of the finest of financial planners. The fact is, he simply spent too much damn money on his gigantic house with its obscenely large pool.

Now listen children, Your Mama's got to go dig up that bottle of nerve pills from the back of the medicine cabinet and have a lay down now because all this foreclosure madness has our blood pressure up and we refuse to have a damn heart attack over a man who hits other people for money.

Faires and Matenopoulos Leaving Wolf's Lair

SELLERS: Debbie Matenopoulos and Jay Faires
LOCATION: Durand Drive, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $7,500,000
SIZE: 5,485 square feet, 8 bedrooms, 6 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Wolf's Lair–One of Los Angeles' architectural icons. 3 acre walled & gated castle compound. This is a truly incredible one of a kind property with views of Downtown, Griffith Park Observatory, Catalina Island and the Hollywood Sign. 3.3 acres. 8 bedrooms & 6 bathrooms. Main house built by L. Milton Wolf–Hollywoodland developer. Guest house by architect John Lautner. Heart shaped pool, pool house, cabana & a 1920s speakeasy.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: The other day Your Mama was perusing through the digital pages of Curbed LA and noticed a wee post about an historic and storied Norman style "castle" located high above Los Angeles' Beachwood Canyon that has come up for sale with an asking price of $7,500,000. What the posting, surprisingly, did not mention is that the 1920s era compound, called Wolf's Lair, is currently owned by major music executive Jay Faires and his wife, television talking head Debbie Matenopoulos. The children will recall, of course, that back in 1999 a young Miss Matenopoulos was unceremoniously axed from her seat on that gawd awful gabfest The View. She currently co-hosts E!'s dishy Daily Ten program. It may be a step down, but at least she doesn't have to deal with big bad Barbara Walters.

The castle compound was originally built in the late 1920s by a man named L. Milton Wolf–hence the name Wolf's Lair, natch–who was one of the three developers of Hollywoodland, a 1920s upscale housing tract located in the hills at the northern end of Beachwood Canyon. The mammoth metal letters of the famed Hollywood sign were first erected as a rather lurid but very successful advertisement for Mister Wolf's development. In fact, the sign originally read "Hollywoodland" and was covered with 4,000 flashing electric light bulbs that could be seen all the way from the shores of faraway Long Beach. In 1949, the "land" part was removed from the signature sign and, voilá, a Los Angeles landmark was born.

All reports and discussions about Wolf's Lair that Your Mama found indicate that Mister Wolf's fantastical folly includes an exquisitely detailed main house as well as a "secret" apartment located under the 2-bedroom gatehouse/guest house where Mister Wolf famously entertained ladee friends amid a South Seas day-core that is rumored to have included a couch that turned into a bed at the touch of a button...all while wifey slept in the main house just a stone's throw away. It's also rumored that one of the turrets was designed to house Mister Wolf's pet gibbon. A damn gibbon? Pleeze. Only in Hollywood, children.

Listing information (and other reports) for the Durand Drive property reveals that although the exterior of the gatehouse retains it's castle like qualities, the the interiors were re-worked and designed by fancy and famous modernist architect John Lautner and feature staggering views over the canyons. Listing information also state that the guest house includes a 1920s era "speakeasy," believed to have been used during Prohibition when all those bizzy body ladees of temperance thought banning booze was a good idea. How wrong and silly they were and please pass Your Mama another gin and tonic. It's unclear to Your Mama whether this "speakeasy" and Mister's Wolf's den of carnal cuckolding are one in the same or if they are two separate spaces. If anyone would like to clear that up for Your Mama we'd be happy to amend our discussion here.

Listing information does reveal that the heart shaped and black bottom pool–there's a delicious irony there, isn't there children?–is complimented by a pool house and cabana and altogether there are 6 bedrooms and 8 bathrooms on the property. Other rooms and amenities include 2 fireplaces (one in the living room another in the guest house), a camera enhanced security system, living and dining rooms, den, family room, library/study, office and, of course, a media room.

The property, which sits high above Durand Road is comprised up of multiple lots that total about 3.32 acres with 360 degree views of local Los Angeles landmarks. Property records show that Miz Matenopoulos and Mister Faires purchased their castle-ette in December of 2002. Although we're not 100% certain, it appears the couple paid $2,900,000 for the kooky, kitchy and kompletely kool hill top compound which sits just a hop, skip and a windy canyon road from Madonna's former home, Castillo del Lago.

Other famous residents of the house are thought to include Debbie Reynolds, big ol' Marlon Brando (back before he was big), Doris Day and Efrem Zimbelist.

YOUR MAMAS UPDATE: Thanks to research queen B.S. Beaverman, the children can view quite a few photos of Wolf's Lair...although we have no idea if these photos are current or not, so we can't really blame Miz Matenopoulos for that silly and swoopy sofa in the guest house living room.

The Ed McMahon Foreclosure Fracas

Oh dear.

It looks like 80 something year old Ed McMahon–yes puppies, that Ed McMahon–is staring down the scary barrel of foreclosure on his Beverly Hills house. Whaaat? Say it ain't so!

Your Mama does not have the time to pick the juicy dee-tails all apart, so why don't the children just run over to satirical snarks at Radar who can hook you up with all the 411 on this rather surprising turn of real estate events.

Kimora Lee Simmons Is Flipping Out...Again

SELLER: Kimora Lee Simmons
LOCATION: Lime Orchard Road, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $5,900,000 (reduced from $7,750,000)
SIZE: 5,923 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 8 bathrooms (per listing)
DESCRIPTION: Captivating country home remodeled to perfection. This wonderful family home is located in a guard gated celebrity enclave. Gated courtyard entry with sitting area and fireplace. Two-sty entry, formal living room w/ f/p, formal dining room and wet bar. Brand new gourmet kitchen with top of the line appliances opens to breakfast room, media/family room. Dark hardwood floors, large spacious master, beautiful bathrooms, wainscoting, leaded glass windows, great swimming pool and room for a tennis court.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: A few weeks ago, our always well informed, funny and ridiculously reliable Fairy Godmother in Beverly Hills told Your Mama that wild and wacky bling queen Kimora Lee Simmons and her tall, dark and smoking hot man-friend Djimon Hounsou were out poking around and touring ten million dollar properties in the Bev Hills area.

Then late last night we received a secret communique from F.G. in B.H. that the former model turned fashion mogul put her 5 bedroom and 8 bathroom crib in the Bev Hills (Post Office) on the market with a $7,750,000 asking price. Many of the children will recall that Miz Simmons just bought this house in August of 2007 when she forked over the full $5,900,000 asking price for the 5,923 square foot "Country English" style residence on guard gated Lime Orchard Road.

Behawtcha's house gurl barely had time to organize Miz Simmons' damn shooz and other sparklee things and now it's time to pack 'em all up again. Pleeze. Your Mama would bet our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly that is one bleary eyed and i-rate house gurl.

Anyhoo, listing information reveals that the house, which Your Mama discussed last year when Miz Baby Phat first purchased the place, includes a double height entrance hall, a brand spanking new kitchen with top of the line appliances–What? did you think Miz Phat was shopping at Sears for a damn stove?–a large media/family room, three fireplaces, loads of leaded glass windows, newly dark-stained hardwood floors, and out back, a swimming pool. Interestingly the listing information we received says there is "room for" a tennis court. However, when Miz Simmon's purchased the place last year it already had one in place and, in fact, was being marketed as a "tennis court estate." Did Miss Thing rip the old one out? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

Your Mama has talked ad nauseum about this little celebrity enclave on Lime Orchard Road. By now all the children should know that when not following her football stud beau-friend Tony Romo around, fast fading singer/ack-tress Jessica Simpson lives in the gorgeous house next door to Miz Baby Phat, around the corner is Hollywood honcho Tom Freston, up the road is mega music manager Guy Oseary and music maestro Ron Fair recently had his contemporary Lime Orchard Road house on the market for $4,795,000, and it now appears to be in escrow.

The bi-racial bombshell's insanely opulent 35,000 square foot mansion in Saddle River, NJ–the one she shared with her soon to be ex-huzband Russell Simmons and their two kiddies–is still on the market with an asking price of $19,888,000 (reduced from the $23,888,000). Apparently there just aren't that many $20,000,000 buyers in New Jersey who desire 10 bedrooms, two swimming pools (indoors and outdoors, baby), a customized movie thee-ay-ter, and a garden room with a freaky fireplace mantle that looks like the gaping maw of a lion. Ugh.

These Lime Orchard Road properties seem to be quite desirable among the rich and the rich and famous, so while Your Mama thinks it's kinda unseemly for Miz Baby Phat to ask a whopping $1,850,000 more than she paid for the place 10 months ago, we still think this place will sell quickly...and at a profit.

Halsey Minor Takes a Loss in Bel Air

SELLER: Halsey Minor
LOCATION: Sarbonne Road, Bel Air, CA
PRICE: $11,400,000 (reduced from $12,900,000)
SIZE: 7,479 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 8 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: One of the most incredible "view" properties in prime lower Bel Air overlooking staggering unobstructed city to ocean views. Gated & private.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Back in March of 2006 a Bay Area based tech guru and net nerd named Halsey Minor dropped a spine tingling $20,000,000 to purchase a glitzy glass house on Sarbonne Road in one of the snazzier sections of seriously-swank Bel Air. Many, including Your Mama, wondered what in the world the married and filthy rich father of three needed with a slinky, sexy and not very kid friendly party pad that looks out over the twinkling lights of Los Angeles. Turns out the Midas-like entrepreneur has a bit of a thing for trophy properties, although it seems this particular property may prove to be a bit white elephant rather than a trophy.

Before we discuss the real estate, let's have a bit of background on Mister Minor. In 1993 Virginia born Mister Minor founded a hugely successful technology company called CNET, an online service that provides news and information about technology and hi-tech products. CNET is widely thought to be the first internet company to actually make money...and make money it did, hand over micro-chip. Mister Minor has since moved on to other lucrative ventures and money making opportunities, but CNET remains a reliable source of information and reviews among technophiles.

A few days ago, Mister Minor's big glass box in Bel Air hit the market with a $12,900,000 asking price...which all the children with eyes and brains will note is significantly less than the $20,000,000 he paid for the palatial place in 2006. Way less. The first to contact Your Mama about this perfectly puzzling and perplexing situation was Our Fairy Godmother in Bel Air. Within days, Your Mama received oodles of phone calls and dozens of emails wanting to know why a manicured and modern mansion like Mister Minor's would need to be sold off for $7,100,000 less that was paid for it just over two years ago. In Bel Air!

Well, don't none of us need to be an Albert Einstein to figure out that there has got to be some sort of sinister snake in Mister Minor's real estate grass. Your Mama has heard whispers and rumors from people all up and down Sunset Boulevard, and we're sure some of you have too. But the truth is we really don't know the durdy poop on this property. We can, however, speculate (SPECULATE, children, SPECULATE) that Mister Minor might have a cash flow problem (doubtful), there might be a structural issue or something geologic, or maybe mold has set in. OR, it could also be that Mister Minor is just real estate fickle and wants to quickly rid himself of a high maintenance mansion that requires tremendous sums of cash to keep looking meticulous. Your Mama is hyperventilating just thinking about the gigantic window washing bills.

Your Mama asks that the children take note that the above photos show the house as it was decorated by the previous owner, a wise individual who hired bigwig interior designer Charles Allem to do up the interiors with soo-blime monochromatic palettes, uncompromising detailing and ungodly expensive finishes that make Your Mama's head spin . This place is far too glam-or-uhs and a too "done" for Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter, not to mention that our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly would have every window streaked with their nose juice in about 3 minutes flat, but we still think this place his speck-tack-u-lar...lacking in life and maybe not even so easy to actually live in, but certainly it's lovely to look at, at least as far as we're concerned.

In addition to the 4 bedrooms and 8 bathrooms, the chunky white residence includes living and dining rooms all done up in brown and green, a 2-story study in red, a media room, a giant gym, a stainless steel kitchen that would drive our house gurl Sventlana straight to the crazy house, and a master bedroom with dual bathrooms. Outside are front courtyards with checkerboard landscaping, high hedges, intimate garden spaces, outdoor living areas that include a kitchen, and an 80 foot long infinity pool with a spa.

He may not be a household name outside of Silicon Valley, but Mister Minor is certainly no stranger to dramatic, grandiose and famous houses. In fact Mister Moneybags has been on a bit of buying spree the last few years. Property records show that he continues to own the 8,516 square foot cliff hanger he's long owned on Sea Cliff Avenue in San Francisco's foggy but exuberantly expensive Sea Cliff neighborhood, where the children will recall that weird Robin Williams lives and where our favorite loose lipped wing nut ack-tress Sharon Stone once lived.

In July of 2007, the tech titan purchased the well known Koshland Mansion on ritzy Washington Street in San Francisco. Located in the posh Presido Heights neighborhood, the 17,895 square foot house with 8 bedrooms and 7 bathrooms was built in 1902 to resemble the Petit Trianon, Marie Antoinette's private getaway on the grounds of the Palace of Versaille. Your Mama hasn't a clue what Mister Minor paid for the insanely lavish residence, but we know it was listed for a variety of numbers above twenty and below thirty million clams.

Fast forward to December of 2007 when the forty something Mister Minor purchased Carter's Grove Plantation, an historic 400 acre estate that sits on the James River outside of colonial Williamsburg, VA and includes a 35-room Georgian style plantation home. Recent reports reveal he plans to use the property as a private residence and thoroughbred horse-breeding farm.

Eventually the real story will come out as to why Mister Minor is willing to lose more than seven million damn dollars on this property, but until then we'll leave it to the children to come up with all manner of cock-eyed and crazy ideas and notions.

YOUR MAMAS UPDATE (later same day): Your Mama was contacted by a man we'll call Mister Green With Envy who recently visited this house and whispered in our big ear that, "All carpets have been pulled up and the place is empty and dirty. Several panes of glass that form the exterior balconies are broken and the entire ground floor is torn down to the studs. Most bathrooms have had everything removed, leaving a nice hole and a concrete floor." All of which means, of course, that the new owner will need to spend at least a couple million smackers on top of the purchase price to put this Humpty Dumpty back together again.

Although mega-rich folks do it all the time, Your Mama still has to wonder why Mister Minor would spend $20,000,000 to purchase a carefully and meticulously designed and deco-ray-ted house only to tear it all apart? Did he just get tired of having to make bazillions of decisions about which Calcutta marble to use and which Waterworks faucets to buy? Hmm.

Willem Dafoe's Rubber House

SELLER: Willem Dafoe
LOCATION: County Road 2, Accord, NY
PRICE: $850,000
SIZE: 1,949 square feet, 2 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: The rubber house is a local landmark and one of the few examples of true modern architecture in the area. It was commissioned and built for the late choreographer Eugene Loring. Inspired by the enormous boulders and rock outcroppings on the meadowed acreage, soaring walls of glass bring light and nature indoors. The third floor tower is the quintessential spot for writing or gazing and the space that was the dance studio is a great room that's ideal for entertaining.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Your Mama briefly discussed this house back in October of 2007 after a weekend visit to some good friends who have a sweet spread in upstate New York. Little did we know that less than a year later, owner, Oscar nominated and much in-demand actor Willem Dafoe (Wild at Heart, Mississippi Burning, Spider-Man 1, 2 and 3) would put his wetsuit wearing weekend getaway in Accord, NY up for sale with an asking price of $850,000.

The Dafoe property sits on relatively brisk and bizzy two lane County Road 2 in a little traveled area of Ulster County that isn't so far from Woodstock, where hippies dressed in eye popping tie-dyed clothing and stinking of Patchouli oil still gather to beat bongos in the town square and roam glassy eyed through the streets while weekend tourists and city sophisticates glide by and gawk from their fancy foreign cars. 'Tis true.

Anyhoo, Mister Dafoe's nutty neo-prene clad house, located in a rural area where dead deer can often be seen hanging from trees, was built in the early 1980s for noted choreographer Eugene Loring who went to meet the big dance teacher in the sky shortly after the house was completed. The house's unusual exterior cladding of neo-prene makes it both a local landmark, an architectural anomaly and a hot topic of residential design conversation all up and down local Highway 209.

Records Your Mama accessed for the Dafoe digs were slim on information but it appears that Mister Dafoe owned this house for some time with his ex ladee friend of 20-some years, respected experimental theater queen and arty-farty actress/director Elizabeth LeCompte. That is until Mister Dafoe traded in the mother of his son for a sexy Italian filmmaker chick 20 years his junior whom he married in March of 2005. At that point Miz LeCompte quite wisely quit claimed the 6.8 acre property over to Mister Mid-life Crisis.

According to property records, the unusually articulated rubber wrapped residence measures a modest 1,949 square feet with 2 bedroom and 2.5 bathrooms. Listing information gives the place 2,025 square feet, which is close enough we'll call it even and move on. The road side landscaping is pleasantly au natural and the front facade presents an aggressive, unfriendly and even hostile black jumble of interlocking shapes that scream, "Back off, buster!" Your Mama happens to like a forbidding facade that appears a little less inviting. We're sure that says far more about our psyche than we care to admit, but it is what it is.

The interior spaces carry a distinct 1980s vibe with pipe railing and teal colored walls but they are also much warmer and more friendly than the exterior would indicate. Through the front door one is immediately presented with open spaces, soaring ceilings, tall walls of glass and long views of the gorgeous meadow at the rear of the property. Your Mama is definitely not down with any of wall and ceiling colors seen in the photos. In fact we'd love to see the interior spaces whited out and stripped of the cockamamie country cute furniture because we can imagine a more pared down palette would allow the stunning vistas to appear as living paintings through the windows...much like what's happening in the black tiled bathroom.

Property records indicate that in addition to this upstate retreat, Mister Dafoe also owns several pieces of New York City real estate including a fifth floor unit in Wooster Street loft building, where he once lived with Miz LeCompte (and probably she still resides. Anyone?). In June of 2005 he spent $606,000 on a co-operative unit in a giant apartment complex on the Lower East Side's Grand Street that is co-owned with his adult son Jack and a few months later, in September of 2005, he forked over another $1,600,000 for a place on Perry Street in Manhattan's West Village, where we presume he camps out when in New York City.

As for his upstate situation, well, Your Mama has heard from a local real estate bizzy body that the intense and acclaimed actor who famously appeared stark nekkid and simulated oral sex on Madonna in the naughty film Body of Evidence, is looking to purchase another hideaway in the High Falls area which, as the crow flies, isn't far from the House of Rubber he's looking to unload in Accord.

Monday's Morning Mish Mash

Even though yesterday was a day of rest and relaxation–and heaven knows we need a damn day of rest and relaxation–Your Mama sifted through our overstuffed and clotted up inbox and come up with a few tidbits we arbitrarily deemed not worthy of an entire post for a little Monday morning mish mash.

1.
Some weeks ago tennis titan Pete Sampras karate chopped the price of his tremendous Tudor style estate on Loma Vista Drive in a prime part of the Bev Hills by two million clams. The substantial reduction in asking price...from $25,000,000 to $23,000,000...seems to have done the trick and sucked in a big bucks buyer because the listing is marked "looking for a backup." That particular designation in the MLS usually means the property is in escrow.

Gas may be four-plus bucks a gallon, the price of food is skyrocketing out of control and foreclosure rates are up, but those pesky little issues aren't stopping the super rich from forking over mountainous amounts of money for mammoth new homes that cost an average man's salary in yard maintenance every year.

2.
Hair challenged Golden Globe winning actor Ted Danson and his Oscar winning wifey Mary Steenbergen have finally unloaded their ocean front house in Malee-boo. Phew! These two have been trying to sell this damn house forever. Located behind the guarded gates of The Colony, the 5 bedroom Cope Cod style house first appeared on the market way back in 2003 with a $9,750,000 asking price and then again briefly in 2005 for $14,500,000. When Your Mama discussed the property back in July of 2007 it was priced at $18,500,000. Not long after the price was slashed to $16,750,000, a ridiculously rich non-celebrity couple from the Bev Hills snapped it up. As of today, no one, not even Mister Big Time, has been able to suss out the selling price. Anyone care to quietly reveal that number to Your Mama?

3.
Jamie Lynn Spears, budding tabloid train wreck and little sister to back in the saddle Britney Spears, not only has a bun in her teenage oven but she and her baby daddy, fellow teen Casey Aldridge, are reported to have purchased a modest 1-acre farm-ette with a quasi-cape style house and a wee red barn in her hometown of Kentwood in the great state of Loo-wheezy-ana.

Listen my little chickens, Your Mama does not know where this house is, its size, how many bedrooms and bathrooms it has or how much money the not yet old enough to vote, drink or graduate from high school mommy-to-be paid for the place. And you know what? We just don't care that much.

If we're being honest, and we always are, this one just makes us sad...children having children. Mercy. Hopefully little Jamie Lynn's got a little of that Nickelodeon money left so that she can pay for the Pampers and formula. Oh lawhd have mercy... As our Berlin bound buddy Fiona Trambeau always says, "This can only end in tears." For now, Your Mama's gonna let this one alone and let the sorry sitch-e-ay-shun run its course. Besides, it's prolly best to leave these two teens alone to play with their Wii, ride their ATVs and raise that poor baby in private.

Are we sure this house ain't in Mississippi? Ugh. Who cares.

photo: Faded Youth

4.
Here's another one we don't care much about but know that many of the children might: Starvelet mommy Nicole Richie and her much tattooed baby daddy Joel Madden, are out looking at houses...again. This time they were seen peeping at some white house up in the hills of Hollywood that Your Mama can't be bothered to look up because we know they ain't buying it anyway.

These two might like the idea of re-living their wild and wooly pre-baby ways with a sexy party friendly house in the hills. However, it is our humble and meaningless opinion that it's far more likely the couple and kid will end up in Calabasas or, if they can afford it, Hidden Hills or some other gated and family friendly suburb where the yards have room for gigantic custom built jungle gyms. We'll see.

5.
Speaking of getting it wrong...all the more reliable tabs and media outlets are now reporting that Mister and Missus Jolie–Your Mama would bet our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly that she is the large and in charge one in that family–have LEASED that giant estate in France. Well, that certainly makes more sense, don't it?

All the tongue wagging gossips now say the peripatetic couple signed a three year lease on the Chateau Miraval, which certainly seems a much smarter idea than buying the place. But we gotta ask what every sensible person is thinking: These two super stars own at least seven other pricey properties, so why don't they just live in one of those places and save (or better yet, donate) all the money they're spending on private jets flying their ever expanding multi-culti family hither and yon all the time?

6.
Uh-oh. Trouble magnet and insanely rich rapper 50 Cent has recently been tangled up in an uglee and (should be embarrassing) court battle trying to evict his baby momma and their 11 year old son from a house he owns in suburban Long Island. We don't mean to be glib in the face of tragedy, but evicting his child and baby momma won't be a problem for Fiddy now because a couple of days ago the Dix Hills house burned to theground in a "suspicious" fire. To. The. Damn. Ground.

The baby momma, a ladee named Shaniqua Tompkins, told a gaggle of gossips and reporters that someone tossed something through the window in the early a.m. that ignited the conflagration which resulted in 6 people having to jump off the roof to safety and be treated for smoke inhalation. Although he was reported to be in Loo-wheezy-ana making a movie, Miz Tompkins also pointed her finger at Mister Cent as the party responsible for starting the blaze. Oh dear.

Your Mama ain't sayin' a damn word about this matter, because we clearly don't know shit from shynola about "suspicious" fires. The children can draw their own conclusions while Your Mama waits for word from the arson investigations pee-pole, because you know there's going to be a serious investigation into this trashy mess.

More photos by Steve Silverman for TMZ