Nicole Kidman Selling Off Sydney House

SELLER: Nicole Kidman
LOCATION: Yarranabbé Road, Darling Point, Sydney, Australia
PRICE: approx. $20,000,000 (AUS)
SIZE: Hmm. Don't Know Actually
DESCRIPTION: Not Yet.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Thanks to not one, not two, but three snitches in Sydney, Your Mama has learned that the preggers but still pin thin actress Nicole Kidman is finally selling the Australian love nest she purchased in 1995 while married to that mystifying and minikin Tom Crooz dood.

The porcelain skinned Miz Kidman has since moved on to bigger and better things than Tom Crooz including an Academy Award (The Hours)–something Mister Crooz has yet to achieve, upsettingly large new lips and another diminutive huzband, this time country music super star Keith Urban.

Your Mama hasn't a clue how to look up Australian property records, so we can only relay what has already been reported about the Yarranabbé Road property that overlooks the soo-blime Sydney Harbor. Miz Kidman's contemporary crib appears to be a three story affair with almost no yard or grass. The story goes that she and Mister Crooz purchased half of their former conjugal casa in 1995 for a reported $4,200,000 Australian dollars, which Your Mama's bejeweled abacus tell us converts to $4,013,302 at today's rates. In 1998, the then couple reportedly forked over another $4,750,000 ($4,583,853 US) for the other half of the duplex. There are apparently eight bedrooms between the two halves, which we Your Mama can only hope Miz Kidman had the good sense to hire a skilled architect and nice gay decorator to smoothly combine into one large superstar style residence.

As of this morning we have been unable to locate a listing for the hillside property, but all reports from Down Under reveal the Darling Point duplex measures 1,068 square meters. Being mired in antiquated and xenophobic American measurement paradigms, Your Mama had to consult a mathematics expert to figure out that 1,068 square meters translates into a rather large (and approximate) 11,496 square feet. For a ladee who marries little men, she's a bit of a real estate size queen, ain't she?

We first heard that Miz Kidman was looking to fetch around $18,000,000 AUS and later we read $20,000,000 AUS. Not that the U.S. dollar currently amounts much on the world monetary stage, but once again our bejeweled abacus informs us that converts to $17,199,864-$19,110,960 in the good ol' U-nited States.

It's reported that Miz Kidman and Mister Urban are looking for a new Australian nest in the Eastern Suburbs so their soon to be born baby will have more outdoor space on which to run around and wreak toddler havoc.

Miz Kidman an Mister Urban have been on a real estate whirlwind lately. It's been reported that she sold off a Walsh Bay penthouse in December of 2007 for $4,650,000 AUS. The couple also recently sold off their big and banal house on Bancroft Place in suburban Nashville for $2,360,000 and are reported to be building a new one on a 36 acre spread on Old Hillsboro Road in the nearby Franklin, TN area. And of course, there are always rumors running lickety split up and down Sunset Boulevard that the pale skinned red-head is looking for new Los Angeles digs so that she can be closer to the two children she (sorta kinda) shares with Tom Crooz. But as far as Your Mama and our spider web of contacts can suss out, she's not purchased anything...yet.

Your Mama also read that the peripatetic Miz Kidman has also put a beach front property on the NSW far South Coast on the market for around $4,000,000 AUS.

photo: Fiona-Lee Quimby for Sydney Morning Herald

Phillip Bloch Double Whammy / Los Angeles

SELLER: Phillip Bloch
LOCATION: Hollywood Boulevard, Los Angeles, CA
SIZE: 1,500 square feet (approx.), 2 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms
PRICE: $629,000
DESCRIPTION:R E D U C E D...NOTE H U G E (approx. 1500 square footage) 2 BR/2 BA corner unit. Light & bright w/AMAZING DOWNTOWN VIEWS from balcony, both BR & kitch; & CITY VIEWS. Unit is located on QUIET BACKSIDE of building & is very PRIVATE w/HUGE usable balcony, over sized LR w/den area, hardwood floors & wet-bar. Each BR w/walk-in closets & Mstr ste w/two add'l closets. Mstr BA w/window & spa tub. SxS parking & extra storage in garage. Laundry hook-ups

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: While celebrity super-stylist Phillip Bloch may have an uncanny and innate knack for knowing who should wear what, when and to where, Your Mama thinks the man might have a chip missing when it comes to real estate and interior day-core. Earlier today we discussed the hot mess of a Manhattan co-op that Mister Bloch has on the market for $1,500,000, and in the course of our "research" we also learned that the hat wearing and hair challenged purveyor of panache is also looking to unload his less than perfect west coast crib.

Property records show that the bizzy bi-coastal stylist to the stars purchased his Los Angeles condominium, located on a the residential west end of Hollywood Boulevard, in January of 2001. Your Mama recommends the children hold on to their wigs and britches when we tell them that records reveal Mister Bloch paid just $255,000 (gasps heard up and down Sunset and Hollywood Boulevards) for the 2 bedroom and 2 bathroom condo with lovely views down palm lined N. Sierra Bonita Avenue and over West Hollywood. Mister Bloch's building may be ass-uglee (trust Your Mama, we looked it up) and the kitchen and bathrooms in dire need of a re-do, but remember the good ol' days when living in Los Angeles was a real estate bargain compared to the other historically ungodly expensive major American cities like New York and San Francisco?

Listing information shows the current asking price has been reduced to $629,000 and for that number a buyer gets a genuinely large living room with den area, a "HUGE usable balcony" (with an eye popping and disturbing tile issue), a wet bar for all the booze hounds, laundry hook ups (an excellent feature) and side by side parking (another excellent and desirable feature).

Here's the thing kids. Your Mama suspects Mister Bloch, who has clearly moved out, perpetrated all sorts of upsetting interior design crimes on this place when he was in residence and we certainly understand that most people not familiar with Los Angeles can't fathom why anyone in LaLa Land would willingly live in an apartment rather than a house; Answer: cost, maintenance, security.

Despite being located in a considerably less than attractive building that looks like something built in Warsaw circa 1982, Your Mama is of the mind that the apartment itself, with the help of a nice gay decorator and a skilled contractor, could be wrested from it's current sad state of affairs and be a comfortable and affordable Hollywood hideaway. Because let's be honest kids, not every celeb or demi-celeb in Los Angeles can afford a massive multi-million dollar mansion or, quite frankly, even qualify for a sweet and modest Spanish style casa which could easily be well over a million clams in L.A. So here are eight reasons why Your Mama thinks this condo could work for a budget conscious buyer:

1. Size: It won't work for all the real estate size queens out there, but at (approx.) 1,500 square feet this is a generously sized 2 bedroom apartment with large living spaces.
2. Location: Hollywood Boulevard is not every one's cup of real estate tea, but the central location makes for easy access to most parts of Tinseltown.
3. Balcony: Yes children, we know the tile is a real and serious problem but, all things considered, this is a good sized terrace with just enough space to dine, lounge and give the illusion of indoor/outdoor living.
4. View: Living above the roof tops with a long view is, as Miz Martha Stewart says, a good thing. Your Mama thinks the palm trees are a pleasingly campy visual reminder of place.
5. Parking: Two cars, side by side. 'Nuff said.
6. Kitchen: The tile is terribly dated and the cabinets inexcusably putrid, but do you see the window? Do y'all know how many apartments do not have windows in the kitchen?
7. Bathrooms: There are two, which means the owner(s) can poop in private when there are guests.
8. Light: The unit is south facing for maximum sunlight harnessing.

Your Mama hasn't a clue where Mister Bloch intends to live once he sells both his east and west coast residences, but if he would like a little assistance selecting a new home and new day-core appropriate to his style station, we'd be happy to help. Seriously, call Your Mama Mister Bloch. We're eager to help you settle you into a new crib that represents your vaunted position in the fashion and style world.

Phillip Bloch Double Whammy / New York City

SELLER: Phillip Bloch
LOCATION: West 14th Street, New York, NY
PRICE: $1,500,000 (monthly maintenance / $1,282)
SIZE: 1,400 square feet (approx.), 3 bedrooms, 1 bathroom
DESCRIPTION: ...Currently a 1,400-square-foot...Personality abounds throughout this historic residence, which features abundant natural light from three exposures; views which include the twin brownstone steeples of designated landmark St. Bernard's Church, lush treetops to the south, and quiet neighboring gardens to the north; moldings, paneling and pass a through window; original ornate parquet floors; two lavishly detailed fireplaces; tin ceilings; a vintage oversized double sink in the kitchen; and a claw foot tub in the bath.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Yesterday Mister Braden Keil at the New York Post wrote in his always entertaining and informative Gimme Shelter column that forty-something fashion fanatic and thin-mustachioed stylist to the stars Phillip Bloch put his modest Manhattan garret on the market for $1,500,000.

Your Mama realizes that only the fashionista few are likely to know who Mister Bloch is, how he earns his paper or what makes him worthy of being discussed on a blog about celebrity real estate. Like only a few other lucky clothing cognoscente–such as the increasingly gender ambiguous Steven Cojocaru and the toothpick thin Rachel Zoe–Mister Bloch has managed to parlay his eye for sartorial style into a seriously successful career selecting high priced designer duds for famous folks like Salma Hayek, Halle Berry, John Travolta, Drew Barrymore and Will and Jada Pinkett Smith...to name just a few. Mister Bloch is more than just a glorified shop gurl though. That's right children, he also acts, writes, sold a bunch of shit on QVC, and appears regularly on dozens of television talk shows handing out snappy and sassy advice on fashion trends and Hollywood-style beauty. Like it or not, all that media exposure has turned Mister Bloch into a minor celebrity in his own right.

Property records show that Mister Bloch purchased his fourth floor (or is it fifth floor?) walk up on West 14th Street in July of 2007 for $1,150,000. Listing information indicates that the full floor flat measures around 1,400 square feet and includes 3 bedrooms and 1 bathroom with a claw foot tub. The floor plan indicates this might have originally been configured as two 1-bedroom units that were merged into a single railroad style number that stretches from the front to the back of the building. The good news is that Mister Bloch's apartment has good square footage, windows on three sides, piles of possibility and the purchase price includes roof rights...an excellent and valuable bonus to a buyer looking to expand. The bad news is the place is at best, uhm, really rough around the edges and at worst, appears in need of a may-jer renovation.

Never would Your Mama have imagined this apartment to be the home of one of the most in demand celebrity stylists in the country. Had we to guess, we'd have crossed our heart and hoped to die that this place belonged to a washed up theater queen with a clothing fetish and maxed out credit cards who recently and half heartedly took up studying Eastern mysticism and Bikram yoga to help him cope with all the anxiety and self loathing that results from 25+ years of failed auditions. But it ain't. It really is the home of a noted, talented and well compensated clothing consultant.

Mister Keil reports that Mister Bloch decided to sell his New York City "penthouse" because he didn't have time for the (much needed) renovation. Well, that may be true because Mister Bloch is indeed a blisteringly bizzy swami of style. However, Your Mama has a hard time believing that Miss Thing didn't have time to rip those dee-pressing purple and burgandy sheets off the bed or remove those crappy curtains before the real estate agent came over with a damn camera looking to ask $350,000 more than was paid for the place less than a year ago. Pleeze.

But the linens are really the least of the day-core drama, aren't they? Do we even need to point out that pitiful patio furniture masquerading as some sort of sorry dining room table? Do we need to dwell on whatever precarious and puny thing that is sitting out in the middle of the living room desperately trying (and failing) to be a coffee table? No, we don't. We will, however, discuss Mister Bloch's pitiful and inexcusable lighting situation. Naked overhead bulbs and cheep-ass Home Despot ceiling fixtures? Oh no you did not Phillip. You of all people should know the necessity of a good lighting plan. There is really no excuse Miss Bloch. Your Mama knows full well that you could have sent your assistant in long black Town Car to Target or Ikea or the damn flea market for pick up a few floor and table lamps.

We do recognize that this is just an East Coast crash pad for Mister Bloch's bi-coastal lifestyle, but as that fierce, ferocious and funny little fashion designer Christian Siriano would say, this place is a hot mess. Your Mama is seriously surprised that a man who can perfectly match a Bulgari bauble with a Tori Burch tunic and who can perfectly pair a high fallutin' Louboutin with a Diane von Furstenberg dress did not have the good sense to beg one of his nice gay decorator friends (and we know you must have one or two Miss Bloch) to come over with a garbage bag and deft helping hand. Despite the many and myriad of punishable interior design crimes, Your Mama does always like to say something nice about the properties we discuss and we can honestly say that we adore the fastidious manner in which Mister Bloch has carefully hung his belts on the wall and color-coordinated his shirts on the rolling rack in the make-shift dressing room.

Other than that, we are through here. Next up, Mister Bloch's west coast condominium, which he also has up for sale. Stay tuned.

Sierra Towers Sell Off

SELLER: Matthew Perry
LOCATION: Doheny Road, West Hollywood, CA
PRICE: $4,500,000
SIZE: 1,672 square feet, 2 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms (per assessor)
DESCRIPTION: None.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Former Friend and well known ladee luver and leaver Matthew Perry–currently linked to former gurly gal pal Lauren Graham–has been on a bit of a real estate whirligig lately. In April of 2008 he forked over $4,475,000 for a recently rehabbed contemporary confection on Carman Crest Drive, and yesterday Your Mama managed to suss out that the one-time a-list actor has put his 22nd floor unit at the celebrity packed Sierra Towers building on West Hollywood's Doheny Road on the market with an impressive $4,500,000 asking price.

Property records show Mister Perry bought his south and east facing corner unit in April 2005 for an undisclosed sum of money. Listing information does not provide any details on the size of the unit or the number of bedrooms and bathrooms so Your Mama will defer to the Los Angeles County tax man (or woman) who measures the condo at 1,672 square feet with 2 bedrooms and 2.5 bathrooms.

From the one photo Your Mama was able to locate that shows Mister Perry's interior day-core, it appears that he had the good sense to hire a nice gay decorator who did his digs up with a minimal amount of clean lined and contemporary furniture...all the better to keep the focus on the magnificent view which on a clear day stretches all the way to the Pacific Ocean. We're a little disappointed at the lack of color we see in the large living and dining room, however, we're thrilled to see the floor to ceiling windows free of fussy fabrics and Your Mama always appreciates a chunky picnic style dining room table, even if it is a little passé design wise.

Times have certainly changed at the Sierra Towers, haven't they children? Only a few years ago one of these condos with a big view could be scooped up for a million clams or less. Then the Los Angeles real estate market went utterly berserk and the modestly sized glass walled units started selling like hotcakes for between two and three million dollars. Nowadays they're priced as stunningly high as a house in the hills with a swimming pool, a grass patch and a spectacular view.

In fact, a 20th floor unit with just 1 bedroom and 2 bathrooms is currently listed at $5,500,000 and mega-rich bizness man and property maven Peter Morton recently listed an 8th floor unit he purchased in January of 2007 for $3,500,000, and also with just 1 bedroom and 2 bathrooms, for $3,950,000.

All the children know by now that the Sierra Towers, a building Your Mama's sensationally sassy amigo Kenny Kissentell refers to as "The Greys and Gays" due to it's large contingent of old and/or homosexual residents, is littered with big name rich and famous folks: Wickedly well preserved actress Dihann Carol calls the tall tower home; In early 2006 Cher dumped $4,500,000 on a 1 bedroom pied a terre once owned by music mogul (and former beau) David Geffen; Elton John and huzband David Furnish recently snapped up a 20th floor fixer for $2,497,000; And let's not forget ageless actress and geriatric jet setter Joan Collins who recently scooped up a 27th floor unit she shares with her much younger boytoy huzband Percy Gibson.

Other current and former famous residents include (but are not limited to) Oscar winning actor Sydney Poitier, freakishly endowed actor and architecture buff Vincent Gallo, chick rocker PJ Harvey, real estate fanatic Fred Durst, and of course Little Lindsay Lohan owned a place here before her once electric career took a tumble. Your Mama imagines the struggling young ack-tur-ess (and rumored to be budding lezbeeun) wishes she held on to her 3 bedroom unit because Your Mama hears from multiple and well placed sources that she's spending what little money she has left paying someone else's mortgage by renting a house up on Ozeta Terrace.

Anyhoo, back to Mister Perry...Property records reveal that in addition to his new house in the Outpost Estates, he continues to own the 3,677 square foot ocean view house on Malee-boo's swanky Sweetwater Mesa Road that he purchased in April of 2005 for $6,550,000.

Given that Mister Perry's unit is fully renovated (or at least it appears to be) and well located on a high floor, Your Mama imagines he'll easily nab a buyer willing to pay big bucks to live in the lap of apartment luxury in West Hollywood. The question is will they pay more than $4,000,000 for the place? What do the children think?

Where Scarlett Johansson Lays Her Head

BUYER: Scarlett Johansson
LOCATION: East 53rd Street, New York, NY
PRICE: $2,100,000
SIZE: 1,270 square feet, 2 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Triple Mint Penthouse designed by architect/owner with the most discriminating taste! Elegant & simple with clean lines, top of line finishes and extraordinary chef's kitchen. In addition, both bathrooms are exceptionally renovated with stone and wood. The terrace s large and beautifully landscaped and features open city views. Additionally, there is a lovely greenhouse off the bedroom. Superb closets & much more!

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Blond, bee-yoot-ee-full and bee stung lipped ack-tress Scarlett Johansson has been keeping her publicists bizzy as beavers lately. Not only did the buxom babe recently release a mostly well received album of Tom Waits covers (Anywhere I Lay My Head), she's got several films to promote and she's now speaking publicly about her betrothal to Canadian-born beau-hunk ack-tor (and Alanis Morrisette ex-fiancé) Ryan Reynolds. On top of all that she's been keeping the real estate gossips on their toes as well.

Although property records reveal that Miss Johansson still owns a 5th floor condominium at the Hollywood Versailles apartment tower in West Hollywood that she bought back in June of 2003 for $373,000, the 4-time Golden Globe nom-a-nee (always a bridesmaid...) spent $7,000,000 in May of 2007 for a 7 bedroom and 7 bathroom Mediterranean mini-manse on Senalda Road in the hills above Hollywood. About the same time all the gossips whispered and reported that Miss Johansson was on the prowl for a Manhattan penthouse because her New York neighbors were constantly complaining that her incessant cigarette smoking was a serious drag.

Fast forward to April of 2008 when Mister Max Abelson, who skillfully pens the New York Observer's Manhattan Transfers column, revealed that young Miss Johansson did what virtually no other New Yorker has done for many years...beehawtcha sold her TriBeCa loft at 66 Leonard Street for $52,000 less than the $1,950,000 she paid for the place in January of 2006. Less! Who does that in New York City? Someone in a hurry to unload a place, that's who.

Today Mister Abelson continues his ScarJo scoopage and reports that all signs point towards Miss Johansson forking over $2,100,000 for a 2 bedroom and 2 bathroom penthouse pied a terre in a non-descript full service post-war building on Midtown Manhattan's East 53rd Street. Although Miss Johansson's name does not appear on the deed, the purchasing trust is operated by her mother and shows a billing address in Hollywood identical to the one that appears on the deed for her old apartment on Leonard Street. So while we can't say that Miss Johansson is the buyer with 100% certitude, where there's real estate smoke, there's often fire, you know what we're sayin'?

According to listing information, the apartment measures 1,270 square feet and was designed an renovated by it's previous architect owner. The interiors are all creamy beige and chocolate brown with Carrara marble counter tops. All very smart and pulled together if a little lacking in color for our taste. And P.S. that gold framed mirror in the dining room isn't working.

What we do like is the terrace off the living room which makes a perfect spot for whittling away long afternoons with a pitcher of gin and tonics and a stack of gossip glossies and later gazing at the glittering lights of the city. We imagine Miss Johansson will find it an excellent spot to quietly contemplate her success and suck down a cigarette or four or five, hopefully without her neighbors fretting over the effects of second hand smoke.

Listing information also indicates that there is a "lovely greenhouse" located off the master bedroom. This might sound like a nice feature to someone who has ever had the misfortune or extreme discomfort to sit in one of these all-glass hot boxes on a sticky hot August day. Listen puppies, you can air condition the shit out of these "greenhouses" and you can put up shades that thwart the stinging rays of the blistering sun, but they're still glass boxes that heat up like a damn oven in the summer and rarely climb to above cool on the thermostat in the winter. Your Mama says no thank you to terraces converted to "greenhouses." The only people Your Mama knows who actually appreciate their Manhattan "greenhouses" are people who own snakes and/or grow their own ganja. We don't know if Miss Johansson has an affinity for either of those things but if she doesn't Your Mama imagines that "greenhouse" will be nuthin' more than wasted square footage where she'll stash all the free shit celebrities are sent by designers desperate to have their stuff on photographed on famous folks.

Only time will tell if the soon to be Mrs. Reynolds will keep this modest Manhattan hideaway or if she and the huzband will soon be looking for a larger and more family friendly crib.

Kenny Rogers Folding in Buckhead

SELLER: Kenny Rogers
LOCATION: Valley Road NW, Atlanta, GA
PRICE: $7,795,000 (furnishings included)
SIZE: 9,000 square feet (est. and approx.), 6 bedrooms, 6.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Absolutely spectacular home has been painstakingly renovated from top to bottom by owner Kenny Rogers. Wonderful layout, splendid finishes and materials throughout. Comfortable yet so elegant, this home is being offered complete with furnishings. Unbelievable landscape front to back. Elevator, pool.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Since it's already been discussed in the Wall Street Journal, The Atlanta Journal Constitution, and of course by the always on top of things Mister Big Time, Your Mama is obviously arriving way late to the rodeo on this wee bit of celebrity real estate gossip. But we couldn't resist. See children, Your Mama grew up on a musical diet of legendary country crooner Kenny Rogers who recently foisted his "Italian-style" suburban Atlanta mansion on to the market with an asking price of $7,950,000, furniture included.

Your Mama couldn't even begin count the number of times we sped around riding in the cubby of Big Daddy's Corvette Stingray with Sister Woman in the passenger seat and Kenny Rogers giving us gambling lessons from a well-worn 8-track tape. And children, we are not even remotely embarrassed to admit that our eclectic musical play list still includes several of Mister Roger's songs, most notably Islands in the Stream, his flaw-less duet with plastic surgery kindred spirit and fellow country music icon Dolly Parton.

Records and reports indicate that 69 year old Mister Rogers and his much younger wifey Wanda bought their Buckhead behemoth in March of 2006 for $2,800,000 and proceeded to remodel, raise the roof, replace the landscaping and fill the place with truckloads of champagne and beige colored furniture all to the tune of another $3,000,000.

Although property records show Mister Roger's residence measures in at 5,815 square feet, all the reports in the big newspapers say it's really around 9,000 square feet with 6 bedrooms and 6.5 bathrooms. Other luxury amenities on the fenced and gated 1.5 acre spread include a screening room so aggressively and mono-chromatically beige it's difficult to discern the sofas from the floors, an in ground gunite swimming pool with an itty bitty spa, a home gym, an elevator, and African themed guest bedroom (oh dear!) and a double driveway that leads to a three car garage and loads of additional parking.

Clearly, much time, money and attention was spent on the interior day-core of this home. All the efforts by Mister Rogers and his team of nice gay decorators has certainly paid off if the idea was to get the place primed, pumped and prepared for a small army of picture snappers from Architectural Digest to get in there and take porno-style photos of the furniture and music memorabilia. However, the place is simply too, uhm, dramatic–and beige–for Your Mama's delicate sensibilities and tastes, and we are so completely fascinated and fixated on what message is meant to be transmitted by showing Republican presidential hopeful John McCain on the boob-toob over the fireplace in the family room that we're having trouble seeing, parsing or making sense of much else in the Rogers' residence.

The Wall Street Journal article mentioned that Mister Rogers and his wifey Miss Wanda are also selling a nearby parcel for $2,900,000. According to Mister Rogers, the couple bought the 5-acre parcel in June of 2007 because, "My boys needed a place to play." The couple spent buckets of bucks adding a playground, irrigation, a rock wall, landscaping and electricity all so their 4-year old twin boys would have a place to frolic. Yes children, Mister Rogers fathered children in his sixties when most men are preparing to be grandfathers.

Anyhoo, all reports say that Mister Rogers, his wifey Wanda and their toddler twins will soon be moving to a 150-acre estate in sleepy Nicholson, GA–just outside of Athens–where they are building a modest 3,000 square foot house with a pond, two guest bungalows and a barn. Mister Rogers told the the Atlanta Journal Constitution that their new spread will be, "kind of like Disneyland with animals." Oh lawhd have mercy on our snarky soul. What makes people with a lot of damn money think they need to provide their children with an amusement park in the back yard? Word to the wise, plenty of people raise up their children in less lavish surroundings and they turn out just fine. Pleeze.

Besides, Kenny-hun, iffin you wanted to raise up your kids in a damn amusement park slash zoo, you coulda just called The White Lady and offered him a good price on Neverland Ranch. All that Disneyland crap is already there.

Here's the question we have before we move on to bigger and better things...who would buy an eight million dollar house with all custom furnishings of the previous owner? Do rich people who really do this? Or is it more likely some pharmaceutical executive with a fat back account will buy the place and trash all the furniture so that his wife will have a "project?"

UPDATE: Brad and Angelina

All the big gossip glossies and major media outlets are now reporting that American super stars Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie –Your Mama refuses to call them Brangelina–have LEASED the Chateau Miraval for three years rather than purchased the 880 acre spread for $70,000,000.

These new reports make much more sense since they have at least seven other properties they already own and spend butt loads of money maintaining. Your Mama seriously doubts they would want the headache and financial burden of a $70,000,000 working vineyard in France.

Blah blah blah...

Mister Big's Little House in Sherman Oaks

BUYER: Chris Noth
LOCATION: Oak Canyon Avenue, Sherman Oaks, CA
PRICE: $1,445,000
SIZE: 1,854, 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: This is a very special Eichler inspired mid-century estate. Nestled in a lush canyon, and accessed via a private gated driveway, this post and beam three bedroom residence with a large family room offers unsurpassed privacy on a street-to-street lot. Walls of glass, beautiful wood finishes, sleek cement detail, and other earthy elements pop in an abundance of natural light. Remodeled stainless steel Snaidero kitchen, great indoor/outdoor flow, beautiful pool and dining patio.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Last week we were chit-chatting with good pal and wickedly well informed source Lucy Spillerguts who casually mentioned that Sex and The City stud Chris Noth and his gurlfriend/baby momma Tara Wilson recently bought a house in the hills of Sherman Oaks. As the children might imagine, Your Mama grilled Miz Spillerguts mercilessly, quickly contacted a few other helpers and started sifting through property records. Sure enough, records reveal that in August of 2007 the fifty-something year old new daddy forked over $1,445,000 for a modest and modernist house on Oak Canyon Avenue in what is arguably one of the better sections of Sherman Oaks.

Listen chickens, Your Mama is well aware this transaction took place last year. However, we're not aware of it being reported elsewhere and our attitude is better late than never. If any of you smart mouthed children don't like "old" celebrity real estate news, well too damn bad. We're not here to console or cow-tow to the sniveling whiners and complainers. Start your own damn blog if you think we're not doing a good enough job. Now that that's off our heaving chest...

Mister Noth, perhaps best known as the enigmatic and non-committal Mister Big on Sex and The City, has a long list of film, stage and television credits including being one of the original cast members of television juggernaut Law & Order. Back in the early 1990s, Mister Noth worked his sexy stuff as cocky and complex Detective Mike Logan until he was reportedly let go over a salary dispute in 1995. The man must of patched things up with the producers because he's recently reprised the role on Law & Order: Criminal Intent, one of the too many spin offs of the ubiquitous and formulaic program that often makes it difficult for Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter to walk our long bodied bitches due their them filming on our street all. the. damn. time.

Anyhoo, let's move on to the real estate. The first thing that Your Mama needs to note is that the interior day-core is not that of Mister Noth but the previous owner, who is not a celebrity. Therefore we'll not whisper a word about those creepy masks in the dining room or that flat screen television set mounted at a neck knotting height in the small but sleek kitchen that contains enough stainless steel that Your Mama is quite sure would drive our housegurl Svetlana to the booze cabinet.

The new Noth nest is accessed up a long and gated celebrity style driveway that gives Your Mama goosebumps...the good kind. A long and gated driveway not only lets the mailman and the pizza delivery boy know that you have arrived, it often means the house is set back from the street making it difficult for the prying eyes of paps and neighbors to peep in on your private moments. The driveway's glam factor is dee-lishusly cooled by the fact that Mister Noth's new Eichler-esque house measures only 1,854 square feet with 3 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms. Why does it always warm the cockles of Your Mama's cold heart to see a bonified celebrity who chooses to live in a modest retreat rather than some behemoth palazzo that feels like it was built first and foremost to contain a gigantic ego?

Generally speaking Your Mama isn't fond of amoeba shaped swimming pools, but we'll make an exception in this case as it provides a gentle juxtaposition against the clean lines and flat planes of the house. We could, however, do without the big urn at the far end of the pool which we're certain is meant to act as a visual trick to make the relatively small yard seem longer and larger than it is. However, it seems somewhat incongruous to Your Mama and might be better replaced by some sort of sculpture or better yet, nothing at all.

Overall both Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter L.O.V.E. this house and think Mister Noth and Miss Wilson are damn lucky to be living in this little modernist treasure discreetly tucked into the hillside and we'd happily trade places with them even if it meant Svetlana would need another few weeks out in the desert at the Betty Ford.

Although it appears that this is the first single family residence Mister Noth has owned, he is certainly no stranger to owning real estate. Given that he was New York City based for many years, it's no surprise he owns an apartment on East 9th Street and Fifth Avenue that records show he purchased in 1994. Unfortunately Your Mama was unable to glean much–or anything really–about the size of the apartment or how much he paid. We did discern, however, that it is located in the same quietly swank building where sharp witted Barney's bigwig and style arbiter Simon Doonan lives with his screamingly successful potter/designer huzband Jonathan Adler and also where daring dandy and Vogue V.I.P. Hamish Bowles recently dumped $1,500,000 hard earned fashion dollars for new digs.

Records show that Mister Noth also owns two condominium units at The Shoreham in West Hollywood. A teeny-tiny studio apartment was purchased in March of 2003 for $243,000 and a 1,453 square foot unit with 2 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms was bought in June of 2006 for $865,000. Mister Noth's mini real estate empire does not end there. We also note, via property records, that in June of 2005 he spent $600,000 on a 1,056 square foot condo getaway on Wailea Ike Place in Kihei, Hawaii.

Did Brad and Angie Finally Do It In France?

Peripatetic movie stars and global do-gooders Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, currently shacked up in billionaire Paul Allen's Villa Maryland in St. Jean Cap-Ferrat awaiting the arrival of twins, are rumored and reported by London's Daily Mail to have forked over a whopping £35,000,000 for a vast estate in the South of France where they're planning to raise their ever expanding multi-cultural brood.

Hmm. Really? This certainly isn't the first time it's been "reported" that the real estate luvin' super stars have purchased a French estate. Remember back in mid-March when everyone reported that the couple bought that 15th century farmhouse in Eygalieres? Yeah, guess that didn't happen.

According to all the articles being rushed out by breathless bloggers and real estate gossips around the world, the 1,000 acre estate located near Aix en Provence is dubbed Chateau Miraval and has an paparazzi unfriendly driveway that is three miles long.

Apparently Chateau Miraval was not actually for sale. According to the Daily Mail the couple landedon the property in a rented helicopter–unannounced–and requested the owners name their price. Oh pleeze. Your Mama doesn't believe that for a minute. Who does that kind of freaky shit? Who flies around in a rented whirligig, lands uninvited and unexpected on random front lawns and demands the owners sell them their property? No one, that's who. And if anyone does in fact do that, they ought to be ashamed of their entitled and sorry selves.

Anyhoo, according to all the reports and information Your Mama located about the property, the estate includes a swimming pool, a terraced olive grove with 13 varieties of the pitted fruit, and a stream that flows through hidden tunnels into a moat and fills a small private lake. The Daily Mail pee-pole report that the chateau includes 35 bedrooms. However, later in the very same damn article, The Daily Mail also states that there are 25 bedrooms. Information we found about the property (via our research diva B.S. Beaverman) indicates there are 10 bedrooms spread through three houses.

Interestingly, none of the reports we read say anything about the recording studio on the property where The Cure recorded portions of their 1987 hit record Kiss Me Kiss Me Kiss Me, which was, as the children might imagine, in the mix of Your Mama's angst fueled soundtrack back in the late 1980s.

Listen puppies, we know these criminally good looking and preggers parents of 4 (soon to be six) are rich by most people's standards and they make boo-coo bucks when they work, but are they really so deep in dollars and dimes they can afford to fork over seventy million smackers for a 1,000 acre estate in France? According to Your Mama's bejeweled abacus, the reported price converts to $69,307,000, which is a lot of damn money for these two jet setters who already have at least seven other properties to pay for and maintain.

There is the ocean front estate in Malee-boo, another ocean front hideaway north of Santa Barbara that Mister Jolie bought shortly before he and Jennifer Aniston went splitsville, they bought a big house in The Big Easy (that's New Orleans, kids) shortly after Hurricane Katrina, Miz Pitt owns a crib in Cambodian crib, and Mister Jolie's has long owned a compound in Los Angeles' Los Feliz neighborhood. It's also said there's a big ass apartment in Berlin they reportedly purchased last year and Miz Pitt has owned a place in England's Buchinghamshire for quite some time. (Your Mama seems to recall she sold this place. Anyone?) Given that rather long list of private residences, let's be honest, these two need another house to drag their children around to about as much as Paris Hilton needs another pap stuck to her heiress ass.

Your Mama, celebrity real estate cynic that we are, does not intend to believe that the couple actually bought this place in France until Mister Jolie or Miz Pitt confirm the purchase to that nutty Nancy O'Dell on Access Hollywood. Until then it's just unsubstantiated gossip and rumor.

Now go and enjoy the few hours left of this Memorial Day weekend.

Are Beyonce and Jay-Z Headed for the Burbs?

According to a report on gossip juggernaut TMZ, big bootied Beyoncé and her music mogul mate Jay-Z have purchased a 15,000 square foot mansion in Scarsdale, NY.

Scarsdale? For reals? Your Mama knows lots of rich and famous folks like Liza Minelli, Yoko Ono and soap sensation Susan Lucci once lived in and/or grew up in Scarsdale...but Beyoncé and Jay-Z?

Listen kids, Your Mama knows nuthin' about this unexpected real estate hoo-ha, property records do not yet reveal a sale of the Heathcote Road property, and if we're being honest, we simply don't care that much anyway. We may be lambasted, baked and fried like a tomato for saying this, but Your Mama finds Miss Bee-yon-say and her behemoth backside to be about as interesting as dirt. And don't even get Your Mama started on that ka-razy House of Deréon childrens clothing line that has little gurls tarted up like high-heeled sluts. Pleeze. What moe-ron came up with that sartorial nonsense?

Anyhoo, iffin one of you Westchester Wandas wanna get in touch with Your Mama and give us the low down on this house we'd be happy to pass it along. In the meantime, don't none of you pee-pole imagine for hot minute that Your Mama is going to chase down any 411 on this deal. We got better things to do, like clip our damn toenails.

UPDATE: Kaufmann House

Alright my little puppies, Your Mama has been getting all sorts of inquiries desiring and demanding that we reveal the identity of the person who purchased the Neutra designed Kaufmann House that was auctioned off a couple of weeks ago as part of the Christie's Post-War and Contemporary Art sale in Noo York City.

The children will recall that the mystery buyer agreed to fork over a reported $16,800,000 for the pristine Palm Springs property (plus taxes and auction house fees) and later made an agreement to purchase an adjacent parcel for an additional $2,000,000.

Your Mama would be pleased as a carb addict in a bakery to announce the name of the buyer. But alas, we don't know who the some-bitch is. What we can tell you, thanks to tipster Desert Danny, is that the sale has been canceled. Yes, y'all read that correctly, canceled.

According to MyDesert.com, the sellers of the Kaufmann house, a married couple named Harris who are selling their labor of money of love because they are getting a big dee-vorce, put the kibosh on the contract late last week due to a "breach of its terms by the buyer."

Oh dear. That sounds vague and uglee, don't it?

As Your Mama understands, there were only two serious bidders for the property, both unidentified and making bids over the telephone. We can only hope that the folks at Christie's are on the horn cajoling the losing bidder to get back in the game and buy the damn house so everyone can wash their hands of the much publicized matter.

Whatever machinations are at play on the back side, the children should stay tuned and make sure they have a big bottle of Bombay Sapphire close by because we think this may be another of those sordid real estate stories drags on for an eternity while all the juicy details drip slowly out and into the hands of tongue wagging real estate gossips like Your Mama.

Photo: Tim Street Porter

Another Damn Residential Real Estate Record

Hold on to your britches bitches because while hairiffic billionaire Donald Trump preens to the press about the sale of Maison de L'Amitie in Palm Beach for a reported $100,000,000 (we're still hearing $90,0o0,000, but what does Your Mama know?) another elephantine real estate transaction is reported to be going down in London's ritzy West End that makes Mister Trump's high octane deal look like a damn cardboard box is changing hands.

According to tawdry British tabloid The Sun, a gigantic Georgian style house on super swank Kensington Palace Gardens is thisclose to being sold for £117,000,000, a staggering number which Your Mama's bejeweled and bedazzled abacus reveals converts to a record breaking and mind numbing $231,207,210.

The Sun goes on to gossip that the rumored buyer of the behemoth brick pile, which happens to sit just a few doors down from Princess Diana's former home, is none other that Indian born billionaire and steel magnate Lakshmi Mittal, a ridiculously rich man who already owns a large and lavish 12 bedroom spread on Kensington Palace Gardens that he bought in 2004 for a reported £67,000,000. (That's $132,400,710 at today's rate, kids.)

Although Moneybags Mittal denies being the buyer for the six story single family residence, The Sun reports he has recently been rooting around the better districts of London looking to pick up an expensive house for his 32 year old son Aditya. The article also states that the house is currently owned by American ex-pat hedge hog Noam Gottesman and that the big deal includes all the furnishings and an art collection, a situation that will certainly spare Mister Mittal the Younger the trouble of finding a nice gay decorator to do the place over.

Which is sort of a shame really, because Your Mama imagines that a re-do by Mister Mittal the Younger would employ dozens of decorators, designers, architects and artisans for several years to come.

But before all the fancy fey decorators start ringing up Mister Mittal's people begging for work, let's wait and see if there will be any confirmation about whether this huge house was bought by the steel baron after all.

Greg Finefrock Flipping Out In Malee-boo

SELLER: Greg Finefrock
LOCATION: Birdview Avenue, Malibu, CA
PRICE: $8,999,000
SIZE: 3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms1
DESCRIPTION: ...Recently renovated designer estate–exceptional location overlooking white water views. Enter through custom gates & be blown away by vast coastline vistas, amazing sunsets & complete privacy w/ mature trees surrounding the property. 2 story home w/ expansive outdoor patios & custom interior spaces w/ sophisticated use of wood & stone. 3 bd 3 ba plus office w/ custom a/v system...

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Your Mama knows the children feel a little neglected lately and our truly heart aches from your existential pain and celebrity real estate withdrawal. It really does. Especially because we recognize how y'all rip each other to shreds when we're not around in an uglee–but occasionally entertaining–display of wordsmithing warfare. Here's the thing puppies, despite appearances and contrary to popular opinion, Your Mama actually works for a living like ev-er-ee-bah-dee else and lately we've been swamped, bizzy and buried in the bizness that pays the big bills.

Besides, if we're being honest, and we always are, properties being sold and bought by bonified rich and famous folks have been on the slim lately which means that some days we feel like we're scraping the bottom of the barrel just to feed the children a celebrity real estate smidgen to satisfy their hungry souls. Be warned my little chickens that today we'll be scraping at the bottom of said barrel. Your Mama well realizes that the home we're discussing here is owned by a man that most the children have likely never heard of and perhaps don't even care to know anything about but you're just going to have to bear with us.

Okay then, let's get to discussing the Malee-boo property owned by Los Angeles restaurateur Greg Finefrock. The children may not give a rat's ass about who Mister Finefrock is or what he does that affords him a multi-million dollar crib hanging over the Pacific Ocean in Malee-boo, but because Your Mama relishes quietly rolling his Thackeray-esque and soo-blime surname over in our mind, we're going to discuss the freshly re-done residence he's flipping on Birdview Drive in the Point Dume area of Malee-boo.

Before we get to the dee-tales of the property, let's shamelessly plug Mister Finefrock's glitzy, glammy and hyper designed velvet rope dining and drinking establishments (Chapter 8 Steakhouse, P6 Restaurant and Lounge and Suki 7) which are located in the unlikely and somewhat sleepy suburban locales of Agoura Hills and Westlake Village. While Your Mama has no plans to ever (ever!) venture as far into the suburban hinterlands of Westlake Village in search of steak or Sushi, we think Mister Finefrock and his brother/bizness partner are smarter than fruit flies for bringing louche lounges and over-processed Las Vegas-style "restrauntainment" to all the well to do suburbanites sick and tired of schlepping into the Hollywood hot spots to see and be seen.

But we digress. Property records show that the San Fernando Valley born Mister Finefrock, only purchased this property in September of 2006. The records we accessed are a little vague, but if we were willing to hazard a guess that risks us looking like an ignorant ass, we'd say Mister Finefrock paid somewhere in the neighborhood of $6,400,000 for the 3 bedroom and 3 bathroom house on Birdview Avenue.

A little birdie who knows a little something about Malee-boo's bluff top Birdview Avenue told Your Mama that this is not the first time Mister Finefrock has attempted to unload this house. Only a year after purchasing the house and giving the interiors an overhaul, he dumped it back on the market with an asking price of $8,995,000. But alas, no takers for Mister Finefrock's fine house. After a little re-tooling of the day-core that included adding a truck load of ghastly green and white leather sofas that look dangerous to sit on if you're sweating or wearing satin, Mister Finefrock is once again listed the house for sale with a oddly increased asking price of $8,999,000. That time line and those numbers indicate to Your Mama that Mister Finefrock is flipping this house with the hope of pocketing a significant amount of money for the trouble of owning and renovating this house.

The house, which property records indicate is 1,696 square feet and which Your Mama thinks looks quite a bit larger, is located high on a bluff overlooking the Pacific. While we recognize that many filthy rich beach buyers would prefer to be able to stroll out the back door and put their tootsies right in the soft sand, Your Mama was recently chit chatting with a lucky gal who grew up on Malee-boo's Broad Beach and she told us that while it was great to live on the beach, every couple of years a wicked and wayward wave would flood the lower floor of the house. If you're rich it might only be a nuisance to have to fix the floors and hire a nice gay decorator to get you some new furniture, but given that kind of H2O drama that is too often a part of living right on the sand, we can see the benefits of being located high on a bluff.

The exterior of the house is a kind of wonky that borders on ass uglee and most of the day-core is over processed and looks too much like some sort of impossibly trendy boo-teek hotel or night club for Your Mama's particular taste. However, that does not mean that all is lost. The second floor balcony juts out towards the bluff and ocean like the prow of a ship and we imagine that's a sensational spot to get slowly and comfortably boozed up on a warm summer afternoon with a tall stack of gossip glossies.

The main living room space works for us with the high ceilings and gigantic windows looking out over the ocean. The wall of bookshelves gives the house a much needed intellectual fortitude and the modestly sized clean lined kitchen works well for us particularly since Your Mama is o-vah granite counter tops and this kitchen appears to have something else. We're even digging that big chunky work island because it looks all wrong in a way that makes it all right in our book of design desirables.

The back yard includes a large low profile wrap around deck that we appreciate although we might recommend that Mister Finefrock purchase a few market umbrellas so that guests who prefer not to get skin cancer have a shaded place to sit outdoors. We're a little unsure about that grid thing in the lawn. At first we though it might be a Philippe Starck-ish chess board folly with giant plastic rooks and queens, but upon closer examination and a look at a chess board, we realize it's not actually set up like a chess board at all. It looks interesting, but it's really got not use and as far as we're concerned the backyard would be better without it.

In the last few years the Point Dume area has become increasing expensive and has attracted celebs and Tinseltown types like hot bodied Matthew McConnaughey, arty cinematographer Lance Acord, bad boy rock star Kid Rock and of course apparel king turned producer Sidney Kimmel plunked down a reported $48,000,000 to purchase Johnny Carson's extensive cliff top estate in early 2007.

Now sit tight because Your Mama has to catch yet another airplane. This time back home to see our Dr. Cooter and the long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly who we expect will pee with glee at our return. And then of course there's our pussy Sugar who, quite frankly, could care less whether Your Mama lives or dies.

Introducing the Buddy Ebsen Museum

SELLER: Buddy Ebsen's wife and widow
LOCATION: Via Horquilla, Palos Verdes Estates, CA
PRICE: $3,240,000
SIZE: 4,398 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: ...This elegant home features a magnificent living room complete with Palladian windows to enjoy the panoramic views, high ceiling and fireplace. The adjacent formal dining room is perfect for entertaining. The large kitchen with adjoining breakfast room opens to a private patio. The stunning library fatures a coffered ceiling, fireplace and wonderful views. The dramatic entry staircase leads you upstiars to 2 large bedroom suites, each with its own bathroom. The fourth bedroom, located on the entry level is currently being used as an artist's retreat.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: About a week ago, before our computer drama and before we lost an entire day in transit to the left coast, a little birdie we'll call Sammy the Songbird whispered in Your Mama's big fat ear that the Palos Verdes Estates home owned by old skool actor Buddy Ebsen has been foisted on to the market by his third wife and widow Dorothy Knott (Mister Ebsen passed on to the big movie set in the sky in 2003). All the children who are older than dirt and/or appreciate classic films and television programs will recall that Mister Ebsen skillfully played Doc Golightly in Breakfast at Tiffany's and that his best known acting gig was as the lovable oil rich ignoramus Jed Clampett on the soo-blime and still funny television series The Beverly Hillbillies. But, of course, who could ever forget Mister Ebsen in his last big role working his geriatric stuff as the milk obsessed gum shoe Barnaby Jones back in the 1970s? Certainly not Your Mama.

Being that we're unhealthily attracted to the prurient and out of the ordinary behaviors of others, what Your Mama finds most interesting about Mister Buddy Ebsen is that he fathered eight children. Eight! Including one born while he was in his seventies. Imagine that children. Your Mama can't imagine why anyone with more than 50 candles on their birthday cake would want a damn infant causing a ruckus while they sat down to watch the legendary Laurence Welk on the boob toob, but hunnies, we are none the less impressed with Mister Ebsen's pre-Viagra virility.

Anyhoo, we're here to talk about real estate, so let's get down to the bizness at hand. Property records show that Mister Ebsen purchased this 4,398 square foot house in December of 1985 for $950,000, and from the look of things, anyone who lives here better enjoy working those calf and boo-tox muscles because there are enough stairs and steep slopes on this property to give Your Mama's little heart an attack just thinking about trying to get from the street all the way up to the damn bedrooms. We can only hope that someone thought to install a damn elevator for the less physically fit.

Listing information indicates that there are three bedroom suites on the top floor and a fourth bedroom on the main level that is used as an "artist's retreat." This was probably the maid's room before people figured it was safer and more private to have the staff live out of the house.

While the view from the house looks long and spectacular, we are less than impressed with the interior day-core. We regret to inform The Widow Ebsen that there is precious little we'd keep in the house besides that crazy white grand piano in the living room which is so damn Liberace it's brilliant. For some unknown reason we're also digging the doors that enclose the book shelves in the library, so we'd prolly leave those too. Maybe. Sorry Buddy Ebsen luvin' people, as far as Your Mama is concerned, everything else can be tossed over the ornate balustrade and into a dumpster.

Although we're sure The Widow Ebsen loves her kitchen and we can appreciate the large work island and the nice view out the window over the sink, Your Mama thinks a serious gut job will be required and insisted upon by the new owner. Additionally, the little white chandelier is too tiny for the space and those balloon drapes are so damn dee-pressing they are making Your Mama's head hurt even more than last night's prodigious pitcher of gin and tonics. All the children please take note of Your Mama's interior day-core rule # 364: Balloon drapes are only appropriate for funeral homes and certain Park Avenue apartments inhabited by ladees old enough, rich enough and lacquer-haired enough to be called "doyennes."

Our last bone of contention with this property is the backyard...or rather the lack of one. Listen puppies, to each his or her own when it comes to backyards, but if Your Mama was spending three million or more clams to live down in Palos Verdes Estates (which, quite frankly, we would never do), we would certainly require a backyard big enough for a heated swimming pool, a shaded and private terrace for al fresco massages from the always scantily clad Sven the Swedish ma-sewer, and a small patch of green grass for our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly to frolic and sunbathe.

Palos Verdes has always been a bit of a residential mystery to Your Mama, but as it turns out, we're actually headed down to that neck of the Los Angeles woods tomorrow to have a look-see at the ocean view manse of a ladee ack-tress/moe-dell who is probably most famous for taking her clothes off in Playboy than anything else. Should be fun.

Your Mama read that Mister Ebsen once owned a 36 acre ranch somewhere up in the Santa Monica Mountains, but Your Mama didn't find any record of such a thing. Perhaps the fine folks at Movieland Directory can sort that out and let us know?

Now children, please allow Your Mama to have a wee morning nap as we've been up since the crack of dawn and we have to be on top of our game in a few hours when we meet a sharp and sassy gal pal for lunch at the commissary of some movie studio or other.

Early Morning Mish Mash

Listen my little chickadees, today is a travel day so Your Mama is coming to you from some free hot spot wireless location at the damn airport where babies are shrieking, the men are unwashed and at least half the women think it's appropriate to show up at the airport in cotton track outfits and white sneakers. Pleeze. Airports are uglee places and on that note we have a few updates before we down a big fat Xanax and get on the big bird.

1. Our favorite capricious minx and Oscar nominated ack-turuss Sharon Stone has put that damn residential white elephant she owns in the Bev Hills Post Office back on market with a new, improved and easily digestible asking price of $10,000,000. The children with their early morning thinking caps will recall that the Mediterranean manse was first flipped on to the market back in 2006 with a $12,500,000 asking price.

Will someone please buy this bloody house and put Miz Stone and her accountants out of their misery? And difficult as it may be for some of you children, please try to show some mercy and love for the string of long suffering real estate agents who have spent big bucks marketing Miz Stone's 7 bedroom and 8 bathroom investment folly only to have it sit around unsold for a real estate ice age.

Your Mama sincerely hopes Miz Stone's bank account is as colossal as her suped-up convertible black Bentley would indicate because Bee-hawtcha is gonna lose her La Perla panties on this mo-fo. Since we're short on time, we're gonna send you over to Mister Big Time who recently wrote a nice run down of Miz Stone's real estate drama over this house that is tucked back on nearly 5 acres at the north end of N. Beverly Drive.


2. Oh. My. gawd! Looks like Avril "The Spitter" Lavigne's former bachelorette pad is in escrow.

Again.

This would be the third, fourth or 742nd time depending on who you ask. Little Faux Punk Princess has been trying to unload her Bev Hills Post Office pile for longer than anyone–including Your Mama–would care to recall. Suffice to say The Spitter has been through several real estate agents, several price reductions (currently listed at $5,800,000) and according to our source, several buyers who backed out of the deal. Apparently hooking up with Paris Hilton's super successful real estate agent uncle and his well funded team of stagers was the trick Miss Lavigne's house needed.

Believe it or not, there's actually an itty bitty kernel of goodness in Your Mama's cold dark heart that hopes The Spitter will finally unload her bachelorette pad...if only so we can put that baby to bed and not have to listen to it whine anymore, you know what we're sayin'?

Now we gotta run for the plane. Back after we land and get settled in next to the pool.

Jeff Lewis Rides Again

SELLER: Jeff Lewis and Ryan Brown
LOCATION: Valley Oak Drive, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $2,995,000
SIZE: 3,024 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: At the end of a gtd cul de sac, this 60’s post & beam modern has been remarkably renovated w/clean lines, open spaces. Pvt gtd drive. Vus of Hollywood to the ocean. Spacious fam rm w/access to pool/spa. Expansive outdoor space. Mstr w/oversized bath, diva walk-in closet. Finishes incl pilang hrdwd flrs, custom bths & kit, Venetian plaster, Fleetwood drs, windows. Nu systems incl comprehensive security w/cameras, plasma tvs, whole house audio system. 3 car garage, add’l off-street parking.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Your Mama as been sitting on this property for a couple weeks now for no other reason that we just haven't gotten around to discussing. Too bizzy. Too preoccupied. Too many other more important properties? Anyhoo, all the children who viewed that deelishus and fa-bew-lus emotional train wreck of a house flipper Jeff Lewis on the Bravo's Flipping Out program will surely recall that this is the project that Mister Lewis and his ex-beaufriend turned bizness partner Ryan Brown began at the end of the last season.

According to all the commercials flooding the boob toob recently, all the real estate obsessed folks like Your Mama will soon be blessed with a new season of Flipping Out, so Your Mama thought it might finally be time to discuss this property in Los Feliz's desirable Oaks neighborhood. The house sits way up Valley Oak Drive and there are three things Your Mama thinks the children ought to know about Valley Oak Drive:

1. It's gated...not guard gated, but gated none the less, so no paps or looky-loos roaming around trying to get a look at famous residents puttering on the front lawn or dead-heading there tiger lilies.
2. The house Jeff Lewis lived in (and sold) on the last season of Flipping Out is located on Valley Oak Drive.
3. The Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie compound is wedged between Valley Oak Drive and Briarcliff Road. Make of that what you will.

Property records show that entrepreneurial and mercurial Mister Lewis and his much less colorful bizness partner Ryan Brown purchased this 3,024 square foot 1960 post and beam in March of 2007 for $1,710,000. If our memory serves correct, and it may not at this early point in the morning, they did a fair amount of demolition of the interior spaces before they put it back together again in a behemoth blaze of beige, brown and white...which is pretty much what they always do on their mid-priced flip properties, isn't it? As the naughty stripper in Gypsy says, "You gotta have a gimmick."

Here's the thing...if Your Mama is being honest, and we always are, we are worn out by and weary of this particular house flipping gimmick. While there's little to beef about because everything is so damn bland and neutral (except for that tragic two tone sofa in the living room which is a punishable offense) Your Mama is dun–D.U.N.–with this sort of W Hotel meets a Calvin Klein outlet store sort of interior day-core. Sorry Mister Lewis...we love you and your crazy ways, and clearly you know how to make the big bucks flipping houses, however Your Mama would really like to see you expand your repertoire beyond beige. Would it kill someone in the Lewis camp to toss in a little color here and there? Seriously? A little blue rug or some green glass objet d'art? Would that really be so terrible?

Anyhoo, given that all the beige furniture and brown fabric are part of the meticulous but over-zealous staging of the property and will be removed when a new owner moves in, let's try to see beyond the beige to the the house itself.

Listing information indicates there are 3 bedrooms and 3.5 bathrooms in the modestly sized mini-manse that more then a little resembles a motel...an aesthetic reference we don't actually mind that much. A second gate at the bottom of the driveway further ensures the security and privacy of the new owners and listing information indicates that all new systems were added including a comprehensive security system with cameras (more peace of mind for the most paranoid), a whole house audio system and more wall mounted plasma televisions than Your Mama cares to count.

Other notable features of the hillside property include long decks running the length of the house that provide an excellent spot to smoke a post-dinner doobie while gazing over the glittering lights of Tinseltown. The master bedroom includes floor to ceiling glazing, a big bathroom with one of those egg shaped soaking tubs that cost a fortune but would never be used by Your Mama or the Dr. Cooter (who do not like to sit in their own filth), and last but certainly not least a "diva" walk in closet. Oooo gurls, looky here, we got a "diva" walk in closet for all the queens who like to line up their sweaters like they live in a Benetton boo-teek. You know that's gonna bring them running up the hill in their Gucci loafers and Range Rovers.

Your Mama isn't usually fond or friendly about a front yard masquerading as a backyard, but we certainly understand why in this particular case it was the right thing to do (the view). We can appreciate the arrowhead shaped swimming pool and we can imagine that pool deck is a lovely spot to soak up some sun and read all the gossip glossies. But it's also a long haul to the kitchen from the pool deck so we hope that Mister Lewis and Mister Brown have installed a mini-bar with a refrigerator near the pool because Your Mama is too damn lazy to haul our fat ass up all them stairs to the kitchen whenever we need to refresh our pitcher of gin and tonics.

Given the somewhat topsy-turvy state of the market in Los Angeles, Your Mama really hasn't a clue whether this house is priced right or not. We're certain all the Chicken Littles will say it's worth $800,000 and we're sure all the Los Feliz property owners will say it's a steal. The truth may if fact be somewhere in between. Whatever the case, it is Your Mama's humble opinion that if you like livin' in Los Feliz and have several million clams to spend on a house, you could certainly do worse than this.

UPDATE: Aimee de Heeren

According to a report in last week's Big Deal column in the New York Times, the swanky Spence School has gone to contract to purchase the spectacular Wanamaker-Munn mansion on Manhattan's East 90th Street that was owned by international socialite Aimee de Heeren until she died in 2006 at the ripe old age of 103. Your Mama discussed the legendary 12,000+ square foot townhouse in mid-February.

Although no one in the know–including listing agent Kirk Henckels, who is Miz de Heeren's cuzzin by marriage–is speaking on the record yet, it's rumored that the deal is for an amount "in the high 20s," which is perhaps considerably less than the blistering $33,000,000 asking price.

A representative of the all gurls school, which costs fancy folks upwards of $20,000 to matriculate and educate their daughters, told Mister Josh Barbanel at Big Deal that she didn't know what sort of plans the school had for altering or preserving the original details and layout of the dee-vinely dignified and elegant 7 story house that includes 10 working fireplaces, 5 bedrooms, 4 full and 2 half bathrooms as well as an entire floor devoted to 5 staff bedrooms and 2 bathrooms.

Your Mama can only hope they will treat it with some kindness and care.

For those who care, the Spence school has graduated many well known rich and famous ladees such as Jade Jagger, Gwyneth Paltrow, Serena Altschul, Kerry Washington and Elizabeth Montgomery, who y'all surely know as the blond actress who twinkled her nose on Bewitched.

At Home in the Hills With Ryan Murphy

SELLER: Ryan Murphy
LOCATION: Marmont Avenue, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $4,195,000
SIZE: 3,210 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Designed for his own family by Carl Maston--architect of one of the true masterpieces of the Modernist movement, The School of Environmental Design building at Cal State Poly--Maston did not stray from his usual palette of wood, concrete, and glass to effectively blur the lines between the indoors and the outdoors at his long-time family home. Painstakingly remodeled and seamlessly updated for today's lifestyle w/ all the modern luxuries. Perched above the fray yet moments from the best of LA.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: After a gruesome couple of days dealing with technological issues beyond our ability to control or comprehend, Your Mama needed to begin again with a celebrity owned property that turns Your Mama green with envy. Owned by insanely successful and wickedly savvy writer/producer/director Ryan Murphy (Popular, Running With Scissors, Nip/Tuck), this gleaming hunk of residential wood, concrete and glass floats just about every one of Your Mama's architectural boats.

Originally we thought he bought this house in 1996, but upon further investigation, property records do indeed reflect that out and proud homosexual hottie Mister Murphy purchased this residence near the top of Marmont Avenue in the hills above West Hollywood back in May of 2001. Records are a little vague about what amount he paid for his 3,120 square foot contemporary crib but if we had to make an entirely uneducated stab based on the mortgage information we located, we'd say it was around two million bucks. But don't nobody quote Your Mama on that because truthfully we don't know.

Anyhoo, although the long, low hillside climbing residence was designed by genius–but often forgotten–modernist architect Carl Maston as his private residence, Your Mama presumes that soon after picking up this prime piece of architectural meat young Mister Murphy spent loads of money and time giving his house a big gay update. If anyone were to ask Your Mama, which of course no one did, we'd freely tell them that we think Mister Murphy's money was very well spent indeed.

Property records and listing information show the sexy and sensational stunner measures a modest but very livable 3,120 square feet with 3 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms. Photos reveal that the flooring in the public rooms is concrete (hopefully with radiant heat) and in the master bedroom Mister Murphy and his team of nice gay decorators chose cork tiles. Both were tremendously trendy floor finishes back in the late 1990s and early 2000s, but y'all know what? We still like 'em, even if they're not as fashion forward as they once were.

Giant walls of floor to ceiling glass ring the residence and suck the rugged terrain right into the sophisticated interior as well as push the polished yet casual interior spaces into the rustic outdoor spaces. It's the quintessential, and even cliche California blurring of inside and outside. Mister Murphy appears to have thoughtfully and thankfully preserved the original open plan layout of the living and dining rooms which are unified by a single glass wall and separated only by a large brick fireplace that looks back to Frank Lloyd Wright but remains thoroughly modern and ready to forcefully face the coming decades.

But for the smallish size–which Your Mama recognizes will probably be too small for many–we appreciate and gravitate towards the kitchen with its shiny white cabinets (we like shiny things), Carrara marble counter tops, sky light and white subway tile back splash. The children will note the anal retentive manner in which Mister Murphy lines up his glassware and dishes in the glass fronted cabinets, a quirk that Your Mama admires and mimics in our own home(s). Yes puppies, the large pantry in our beach house is the very picture of comestible order where every box, jar and bag sits face forward, price tag removed and lined up like Chinese soldiers ready to march into battle. While many think Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter are bonkers for the obsessive manner in which we maintain our pantry, we got nuthin' on Sister Woman who alphabetizes her pantry. Yes, children, the ladee alphabetizes her pantry. 'Tis true.

Moving up the too-steep stair case that would be problematic and perhaps even impossible for our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly, the generously sized master bedroom includes a fireplace perfect for romantic evenings (iffin you like romantic evenings) and, like most other rooms in the house, floor to ceiling windows that give egress to the private spa and the terraced back yard. If we're being honest, and we always are, Your Mama has mixed feelings on the master bathroom. On the one hand we l.o.v.e. the soo-blime and unexpected combination of Carrara marble floors and walls with the green glass tile ceiling and we consider the addition of the red rug an inspired bit of decorating derring do. On the other hand, there's something a little too reminiscent of an upscale Russian bath house which, quite frankly, is not helped by the stand up urinal, a functional folly that Your Mama has never really understood or appreciated in private homes, but one that has become increasingly popular with men flush with mountains of dough to spend on bathroom renovations.

We recognize that the interior day-core of Mister Murphy's home in the hills will not appeal to everyone, but Your Mama asks that the chintz and china loving children at least try to recognize that it's been well considered and curated to reflect a sassy, sophisticated and quirky point of view. After all, this is not the home of just anyone. It clearly and successfully reflects the very personal taste, lifestyle and particular point of view of its owner which, as Martha Stewart might say, is a good thing. Yes, it is filled to the gills with mid-century pieces, however by not using furniture easily recognizable as being bought at Design Within Reach, Mister Murphy and his team of nice gay decorators have managed to stop short of turning this place into time capsule of mid-century modern style.

Your Mama can't fathom why Mister Murphy would want to leave this piece of architectural paradise behind, but we can only assume he has bigger, better and more expensive plans in his residential future. Whatever the case, the house, which happens to sit just up the road from Hollywood hot stuff Cameron Diaz, is available to purchase for $4,195,000. Any guesses how long before someone snatches this baby up?

Two things quick to Mister Murphy...

1. All that money on Carrara marble, a medium sized Viking range and a SubZero side by side and the microwave is still sitting on the counter? Hunny, please.

2. You might consider clearing off those kitchen counter tops and putting that nasty dish drainer in a dark closet and have your real estate return to take another photo or two, because this kitchen is not nearly as tight as all that visual clutter makes it seem. Just a friendly suggestion from Your Mama.

UPDATE: Kaufmann House

We're gonna start off easy here with some information about the sale of the Richard Neutra designed Kaufmann house located in the scorching hot desert of Palm Springs that was sold a couple of days ago as part of the Christie's Post-War & Contemporary Art sale in New York City.

According to the people at the Los Angeles Times, the house was sold to an undisclosed buyer for $16,840,000. Which sounds like a lot of damn money for a house in Palm Springs. But children let's remember that this isn't just any house. If you're part of the modernist cabal, this house is considered a work of architectural art and we imagine the new owner will use and preserve the house as such.

Interestingly, and probably not surprisingly to a few of the modernist enthusiasts Your Mama chats with, the house sold towards the lower end of the $15-25,000,000 estimate.

Now, let's discuss this undisclosed buyer...Could it be the house luvin' billionaire we hinted at last week? Could it be yet another foreign buyer cashing in on a still declining dollar? Could it be an organization of some sort? We can certainly imagine that a museum like MOCA (Museum of Contemporary Art) in LA might have liked to pull the funds together to purchase this as part of their "collection."

But as of now? Who knows? Do you? If you do, be sure to let Your Mama know.

photo: Tim Street Porter

We're Back!

After much ballyhoo, brouhaha and a very expensive trip to The Apple Store, Your Mama is back online and ready to start feeding the children some good old fashioned celebrity real estate gossip.

Just give us a bit to sift through our dozens and dozens of email correspondence and see what's surfaced in our absence.

Your Mama thanks all the children for your patience, kind thoughts and generous words.

Now send us some money so we can pay for this shiny new ma-sheen.

Stay tuned.

DISASTER!!

Listen my little chickens, disaster struck Your Mama this morning and our trusty laptop computer has become non-functional. Totally, completely and utterly non-functional. Busted, broken down and beat all to heall.

Fortunately we were able to jump on the computer at the local library to post this to let y'all know not to expect much from us for at least a day or two.

Naturally we're endeavoring to work out the problems, but hunnies it's big and we don't have any idea when we'll be back up and running.

Stay tuned.

The Billion Dollar Behemoth...Again

Pictured above is the latest rendering of Antilla, which for those of the children who don't already know is billionaire Mukesh Ambani's under construction residence in downtown Mumbai, India. Yes children, when completed that will a single family residence that rises a staggering 27 floors and includes somewhere around 400,000 square feet of interior space including a reported 40-50,000 square feet devoted to the private quarters of the Ambani family.

If you weren't feeling as pukey as Your Mama has been feeling today, you might after learning that the reported and estimated cost of building this 550-foot tall residential behemoth is between one and two billion dollars.

Please excuse Your Mama while we go vomit in consternation and outrage.

Those children that have been with Your Mama a long time will recall that we discussed this "house" back in January. But given that the folks at Forbes recently posted a juicy and jaw dropping article on the place, Your Mama thought all you real estate porn addicts might appreciate this particular perversion of what constitutes a single family residence.

Danny DeVito Selling Encino Condo. Huh?

SELLER: Danny DeVito and Rhea Pearlman
LOCATION: Park Encino Lane, Encino, CA
PRICE: $750,000
SIZE: 1,837 square feet, 2 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: An incredible opportunity is offered. This penthouse unit features a spacious, sun filled living room with Cathedral ceilings with clearstory windows; Large eat in kitchen with laundry room; Master suite with walk-in clost and bath, clearstory windows in the master bedroom too, separate and private from the 2nd large bedroom suite, beautiful, serene views of the ine trees. Balconies in the front and back of the unit.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Listen children, Your Mama is sicker than a dog today, so by necessity we're going to try to be brief, which y'all know is not one of our strong points. Some of you will surely whisper to each other (and prolly to the press) that Your Mama ails due to a too generous intake of gin and tonics. And that's just fine, gossip as you please. However, our story is that we ate some bad chicken last night and we're sticking to it.

Now then, before we head back to the bed to nurse this gastrointestinal grotesquerie, we want to pass along a bit of celebrity real estate information we received yesterday from a gal we like to call The Governess who gleefully informed Your Mama that diminutive actor Danny DeVito and his equally wee wifey Rhea Pearlman have recently listed a condominium in Encino.

En-ceeno?

Yes children, Encino.

Contrary to popular scuttlebutt, Your Mama does not personally know Mister DeVito or Miz Pearlman, therefore we are unable to speak with any authority or certainty as to why the rich and famous shorties would own an ass uglee condominium in Encino. However, we will speculate that this "penthouse" unit was perhaps (perhaps, puppies, perhaps) occupied by someone on the DeVito/Pearlman staff whose compensation included housing. Or maybe (maybe!) one of the DeVito/Pearlman off-spring shacked up here. Or maybe it was just an investment property. Who knows? Not Your Mama.

What we do know is that according to property records, the itty bitty film and television powerhouses purchased this 1,837 square foot condominium on Park Encino Lane back in January of 1998 for $350,000. Listing information indicates that the two bedroom and two bathroom unit currently carries an asking price of $750,000. Sounds like a nice return on their investment. However, given that Your Mama does not know shit from shy-nola about condominiums in Encino, we'll leave it up to all the San Fernando Valley apartment dwellers and real estate experts to decide whether that's a realistic asking price or not.

Listing information also indicates the unit is sun filled and has clearstory windows in the living room and master bedroom. Yes puppies, we're used to seeing that type of window spelled "clerestory" too, but a quick scan of the internets and we learn that "clearstory" is also an acceptable spelling for that architectural innovation. I guess that proves Your Mama is never too old or too sick to learn something new.

Anyhoo, while living up in a condo like this in the suburban wilds of Encino would be akin to residing in the seventh level of Hell to Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter, it's not all bad. It is located on the top floor which, of course, eliminates the need to work our voodoo doll black magic on heavy footed upstairs neighbors, there are private poopers for each of the bedrooms, the ceilings are sky high and decent sized balconies at the front and the back of the unit provide excellent spots to look at pine trees and smoke illegal substances...all good things. On paper.

However, among other details, we are concerned with the Oatmeal colored carpet (we're not a big fan of wall to wall even if it is the same benign color as a wholesome breakfast food) and we're deeply unhappy about the dated kitchen cabinets and black appliances. Nothing that money can fix, but given our upset stomach it just seems too much to consider at this point and time.

In other real estate news related to the DeVito/Pearlmans...Their big house/compound on Ridgedale Drive in Bev Hills remains on the market with the big asking price of $31,900,00.

Off we got to pour some Milk of Magnesia down our gullet. And please, children, Your Mama begs of you, talk quietly among yourselves until we feel like we don't want to vomit every 10 minutes.

Mish Mash Monday

We're sorry to do this to all our real estate obsessed children who just like looking at pretty pictures of outrageously expensive homes, but Your Mama's Monday mish mash is going to be serious fuel for all the Chicken Littles out there who cheer and clap as the real estate market(s) continue to limp along in the after math of 2007s mortgage meltdown.

1. As Dolly Parton Would Say, "Here We Go Again..."
Oh lawhd children, it's not even seven a.m. in the damn morning and the White Lady's real estate problems are driving Your Mama to the booze cabinet for a little liquid fire to put in our morning coffee. Bear with us if we start slurring our words.

Now that we're spiked, let's start with the big news children, which is that the 4-1-1 is starting to slip out and get uploaded onto the real estate gossip grapevine regarding the averted foreclosure of beleaguered pop icon Michael Jackson's 2,700 acre Neverland Ranch located on Figueroa Mountain Road in the spectacular oak tree dotted hills near Los Olivos, CA.

According to news reports, the $23,500,000 (approx.) loan that had long been held by the preternaturally patient Fortress Investment Group was sold to a California based real estate investment firm known as Colony Capital just five days before the property was due to be auctioned off on the steps of the Santa Barbara County Courthouse.

Colony Capital and Mister Jackson are reported to be discussing "the ranch and other matters," and these Colony pee-pole are apparently "very comfortable" holding The White Lady's loan until they able to negotiate payment terms.

Payment terms? Other matters? Pleeze.

Only time will tell, but if Your Mama had to bet our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly, our money says that Colony Capital, as touchy-feely as they sound now, will not be nearly as patient as Fortress was regarding The White Lady's apparent lack of funds to service his overwhelming debt, of which this $23,500,000 loan is only the tip of the iceberg.

Michael! You listen to Your Mama now and you listen good. It is only a matter of time before you gotta give up that damn ranch. Only you know why you cling and cleave so tightly to the place you lived when accused (and then acquitted) of touching little boys inappropriately. But hunny, it is long past time to put that baby to bed and you know it. So, seriously Michael, git one of your cute little kids to dial up super-successful high-dollar real estate agent Suzanne Perkins at Sotheby's in Santa Barbara and let her sell that white elephant before all this gets ugly and embarrassing all over again. 'Cause iffin you don't sell this bitch off now, you know you're gonna land face first in a vat of foreclosure mud yet again. And to be honest Michael, Your Mama is at the end of our damn rope with this nonsense and genuinely fear the Dr. Cooter will have to ship us off to The Betty Ford if this crap does not get resolved...and quick.

2. Bisno Bizness Update
In other luxury property foreclosure bizness, we've learned that controversial Bev Hills based real estate developer Robert Bisno has once again managed to obtain a "temporary restraining order" to push back the date of his scheduled foreclosure auction to June 4, 2008. The children will recall that the really rich Mister Bisno somehow landed himself in some financial hot water and his gigantic Beverly Park mansion was scheduled to be sold (see third item) at auction over what the Priority Posting website shows is a defaulted debt of $5,382,794.02. Your Mama is flabbergasted that a man with Bisno's big bank accounts seemingly can't juggle his numbers and work his abacus in such a way that he would scare up five and some million clams to save his 11,984 square foot house. But who knows?

3. Real Estate Round Two With Frankie Muniz
After not enticing anyone to snatch it up when it was first listed back in December of 2007 for $3,875,000, Frankie Muniz has re-listed his N. Wetherly Drive home in the Hollywood Hills with a new real estate agent and a reduced asking price of $3,695,000, which ain't much more than the $3,499,000 property records indicate he paid for the 5 bedroom and 4 bathroom house in January of 2006.

4. Kathleen Turner Turns Over A New Price...Again
Another celebrity who seems to be having a bit of trouble unloading a high-priced house is Oscar nominated actress Kathleen Turner. Gravel voiced Miz Turner long ago listed her house in the Hamptons for a rumored and reported $8,000,000 and Your Mama discussed the Amagansett property back in July of 2007 when it was re-listed at $6,995,000 after a minor make-over. The asking price was later karate chopped to $6,250,000 and according to the real estate gossip gurls at Newsday the asking price has once again been hacked, this time down to $5,900,000. The Newsday gurls also report that the 6 bedroom and 5.5 bathroom house is being sold as part of the dee-vorce settlement between Miz Turner and her estranged huzband Jay Weiss.

Your Mama feels for Miz Turner having to contend with this bit of real estate drama. However, given that records show the tough and nails ladee paid only $488,500 for the property back in 1990, we don't feel too terrible. Let's face it puppies, no matter what she sells the property for, she'll still be pocketing millions.

5. Putting Shorewood Manor To Bed
In other Hamptons real estate news, it's now being revealed that Shorewood Manor, the grand old 23-room Shelter Island grandma that was last listed $22,400,000 sold for just $12,400,000 to an as yet un-named Swiss bizness tycoon.

While that sales price sets some sort of record for Shelter Island real estate, it's a FAR cry from the fantasitical figure Shelter Island local Chris Knight was hoping to get when he snagged the property in early 2007 for $10,000,000 and flipped it back on to the market two weeks later with a blistering $33,000,000 asking price. Mister Knight was reportedly all smiles after the closing, but Your Mama imagines (we imagine people, imagine) that he's not at least a little disappointed that in the end he didn't make enough mooloah from flipping Shorewood Manor to retire young.

In case you're one of Your Mama's new children, we previously discussed this stunning piece of real estate here and here and we recounted our own experiences trespassing on the property here.

UPDATE: Michael Jackson

Oh dear Jeezis. Everybody please stay calm and go pour yourself a big tumbler of booze before you get hysterical. That's right puppies, all the little real estate pigs are flyin' because fallen pop icon Michael Jackson has somehow...somehow! managed to rip his tattered, torn and (in)famous Neverland Ranch from the uglee clutches of foreclosure just five days before it was set to be auctioned off on the steps of the Santa Barbara County Courthouse.

You read that correctly...the foreclosure auction has been canceled.

Your Mama can hear all the children screaming and moaning, "Whaaat!?"

No one seems to know how the pale skinned moon walker managed that shocking mortgage miracle, not even the always well informed Fox 411 gossip Mister Roger Friedman who speculates that Mister Jackson may (we said, "may") have somehow finagled a refinance agreement with Fortress Investments, the asset management company that currently holds the $24,525,906.61 (estimated) note on the 2,900 acre ranch.

We know some of you are tired and tuckered out from this seemingly never ending Neverland Ranch foreclosure saga, but apparently Mister Toad's Wild Ride is not yet over and Your Mama is sunk way too deep in Mister Jackson's real estate quicksand to get out now.

Stay tuned or tune out, whichever works for you.

The Legendary Louwana on the Block

SELLER: Estate of Aimee de Heeren
PRICE: $30,000,000
LOCATION: N. County Road, Palm Beach, FL
SIZE: 13,539 (approx.) square feet, 9 bedrooms, 5 full and 2 half bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: One of the last Great Houses of Palm Beach, an enduring legend of architectural and historic significance. Dating from 1919, this majestically picturesque 10-bedroom villa sprawls over 1.5± acres featuring 150± feet of idyllic direct beachfront. Held by only one family; exquisitely preserved in museum condition. Pool, tennis court, beach cabana. An exceedingly important offering.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Your Mama received a late night correspondence from a dee-pressed and despondent source whom we kindly call The Social Butterfly who is bent out of shape and broken hearted about the recent listing of recently deceased international high society maven Aimee de Heeren's legendary Louwana estate on N. County Road in posh Palm Beach. The ocean front property was designed in 1919 by noted Palm Beach architect Addison Mizner, has been held by the same family ever since and carries an asking price of $30,000,000.

Listing information for the property shows that in addition to the 9 bedrooms, five full and two half bathrooms, there is a guest house, a pool house and a conveniently located beach cabana so that all the Lilly Pulitzer types don't have to go streaking like a lemur across the lawn in their flower printed caftans in order to use a terlit. Additionally there is garaging for three cars, 4 fireplaces, an inground pool, tennis court and an elevator.

Although there are much larger, grander and certainly more capital "T" Tacky estates all up and down the sandy shores of Palm Beach–for example, the decadent and decidedly disturbing 80,000 square foot pile next door to Louwana being sold by the equally decadent and decidedly disturbing Mister Donald Trump for $125,000,000–the lovely Louwana is often referred to as "one of the last great houses of Palm Beach."

If the children will put on their thinking caps they should recall that it wasn't so long ago that Your Mama discussed Miz de Heeren's Louwana shortly after discovering that the estate had been put out for lease at $90,000 per month. This was, of course, shortly after we (and every other real estate gossip) discussed the soo-blime, old-skool and for sale at $33,000,000 Manhattan townhouse that Miz de Heeren called home when she wasn't gallivanting around the globe appearing to be many years younger than her chronological age and looking terribly chic and severe in the way only very rich international high society types do.

If we had to guess, Your Mama imagines some high flying hedge hog or big bizness baron will scoop up Louwana and give the place a full make-over that will include adding every possible modern convenience and luxury. Which is fine. Your Mama recognizes that many well to do people want reverse osmosis water purifying systems, pilates studios and his and her poopers in the master bedroom. However, both The Social Butterfly and Your Mama sincerely hope–we'd pray if we were the religious type–that the new owner, whomever they be, will restore rather than rip down and preserve rather than pick apart piece by piece.

Goldie and Kurt Rent It Out. Again.

For those of you children too booze addled to quickly recall off the top of your gin soaked minds, to-day is the ninth of May. Last year, on this very day, the ninth of May, Your Mama revealed that middle aged Hollywood hottie Goldie Hawn and her manly man-friend Kurt Russell were looking to lease their ocean front hideaway on Malee-boo's Broad Beach Road for a bikini busting $95,000 per (summer) month.

Your Mama hasn't a clue whether some deep pocketed person coughed up cash for keys to the place last summer, but we do know that the famously and fantastically unconventional duo are once again offering their 4,126 square foot contemporary house for lease at $95,000 per month (June-September), with a two month minimum, thank you very much.

According to listing information, the house has three bedroom suites including a ocean view master with floor to ceiling windows, a "spa-inspired bath area" and a private beachfront balcony. Other amenities include a detached guest/meditation room as well as a gym. Ordinarily Your Mama doesn't care for a home gym. However, on a property where loads of time is spent nearly nekkid and on the beach surrounded by other nearly nood and sharp tongued body fascists, a home gym could be helpful in warding off wicked whispers about one's thighs and ass.

The Hawn/Russell back yard includes a large and lovely flagstone terrace with some kind of Balinese hut-thing off to one side. Your Mama isn't so down with a Balinese hut-thing in the back yard unless it's in Bali. But we do imagine this structure provides a shady spot for retiring in the late afternoons to peruse the tabs and gossip glossies or, even better, a quiet area where Sven can give rub downs in his revealingly vulgar bathing suit. Between the house and the beach is an unnaturally green and lush lawn where Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter's long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly would piddle and poo, and perhaps most important is the private section of the sand where the really rich renters can oil up and bake in the sun like boneless and organic chicken breasts in the La Cornue. Meanwhile, all the looky-loos who wander by at the water's edge will wonder with envy and awe about how it is that you have enough money for a meticulously maintained house right on the soft sands of Malee-boo.

Interestingly–and frankly, quite confusingly, listing information for the Hawn/Russell rental indicates that the property is a "Rental Home (for sale)" What? Really? Hmm. Has this property been quietly placed on the market? Would Miss Goldie and Mister Kurt be willing to part with their prime piece of Malee-boo real estate for the right price? Your Mama doesn't know shit and it's way too early to contact any of our sources in Malee-boo to sort that bit of perplexing bizness out. In the meantime, iffin any of you early rising Malee-booans wanna get in touch with Your Mama and let us know what you know about the sitch-ee-a-shun, we're all ears. Big ears.

Mish Mash Thursday

1.
Let's start with a blind item, because who doesn't love a blind item, right? Besides, both the children and the Chicken Littles need something to discuss and dissect besides the real, imagined and/or hoped for demise of the Los Angeles real estate market...a serious topic that has little to with the silly celebrity subject matter of this blog. Anyhoo, here we go...

What property appreciating billionaire has been whispering to pals that he intends to bid on the soo-blime Neutra designed Kaufmann House in Palm Springs (pictured above) that is scheduled to be auctioned off on May 13 as part of much anticipated Christie's Post-War & Contemporary Art Sale?

Hint: It's not Eli Broad or Roman Abramovich.

photo: Tim Street Porter

2.
According to the Luxist lovlies, the above mentioned Russian oligarch and property hungry tycoon Roman Abramovich has scooped up an 11 bedroom and 11 bathroom house on Aspen's Wildcat Ridge for a reported $36,375,000 (pictured above). The brazenly and boldly contemporary home was sold by bizness baron Leon Hirsch.

The dramatic residence sits on nearly 200 acres of prime ridge top property, crawls across almost 13,000 square feet of living space and features a folded plate roof and a massive moss rock wall. But it's most impressive feature is surely the 60-well geothermic system that provides cooling in the summer and not only heats the house and swimming pool in the winter, but also heats the driveway, an extravagance affordable to only a few.

The former orphan has a well reported, voracious, and seemingly insatiable appetite for über dee-luxe real estate and in addition to his new house in hoity toity Aspen and others in Moscow, the South of France, Tuscany and Montenegro (to name only a few), Mister Abramovich is reportedly planning to combine two Knightsbridge townhouses into one gigantic eight bedroom and eight floor (three of them underground) mega-manse expected to be worth in excess of £150,000,000 when completed.

That's a staggering $294,384,000 according to Your Mama's bejeweled and bedazzled abacus. Jeezis, Mary and Joseph! Someone fix Your Mama a drink to settle our nerves because we don't even know how to make sense of residential real estate numbers that big.

3.
Your Mama hears that accidental actor Jason Statham, a Brit who fell successfully backwards into acting when he was offered a roll in Guy Ritchie's Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, has been sniffing around the 5,411 square foot Devlin Drive digs that was recently foisted on the open market by pop star Christina Aguilera with an asking price of $7,995,000 (pictured above).

4.
Speaking of Guy Ritchie and his formidable fifty year old pop star wifey Madonna–who somehow doesn't look a day over 39–the lovlies at Luxist (via the not always reliable when it comes to real estate gossip tab The Sun) recently snitched that the bi-continental power couple might be looking to unload Ashcombe, their 1,130-acre country estate in Wiltshire (pictured above).

The estate, formerly owned by famed photographer Cecil Beaton, was purchased by the Energizer Bunny-esque material mommy and her film making man in 2001 for a reported £9,000,000. According to The Sun, they are looking to list the 8-bedroom country crib for £12,000,000 because they don't spend enough time at the property to make it worth the expense of running. Just because she's richer than the Pope puppies, that don't mean she's not financially sensible.

In addition to the main house which is said to include his and her gyms (natch) and a huge kitchen, there are several additional cottages on the property.

photo: The Sun

5.
Back in the good ol' U-nited States of America, former CSI: Miami sex pot Khandi Alexander has once again kha-rah-tay chopped the asking price of her towering Hollywood Hills quoin-set hut (pictured above). Originally listed at $4,495,000, the asking price of the four floor, 4,126 square foot and four bedroom khrib on Woodshill Trail was first hacked down to $3,495,000 and was recently sliced and diced again to it's current asking price of $2,995,000, a number most notable due to it being just a hair more than the $2,850,000 records reveal the formidable and now unemployed ladee paid for the house in January of 2006.

6.
Miss Khandi Alexander isn't the only Hollywood type who seems to be having a tough time unloading their house. So are Oscar nominated actress Angela Bassett and her Law and Order actor huzband Courtney Vance. Your Mama discussed their Hancock Park home on guard gated Fremont Place back in July of 2007 when it was listed for $5,999,000.

It has come to Your Mama's recent attention that the asking price for the 4,828 square foot house with it's creamy beige interior is now $4,600,000. Perhaps there just aren't as many rich people in Los Angeles who want or need a private hair salon in their home after all.

7.
Ever since that beleaguered Britney Spears gurl got on the right meds and dumped all those meddlesome men that were hanging around her Bev Hills mansion all the time, Your Mama hasn't heard much about her real estate plans. The formerly pink wigged one remains ensconced in her Mediterranean manse in the guard gated community of The Summit and, as far as we know, she still spends a fortune every month leasing a big house in the guard gated Serra Retreat in Malee-boo.

However, according to E!, the not quite as rich as she used to be pop tartlet and single mommy of two itty bitty boys has gotten itchy feet and was recently spotted touring a 7,350 square foot house on Tara Drive in the exclusive Clark Gable community of Encino that listing information describes at "European inspired."

Who knows if this capricious gurl will actually buy the house, but for what it's worth listing information for the the property shows it measures .87 acres with a newly built house that includes 5 bedrooms and 8 bathrooms, which should be plenty for a gurl who lives by her lonesome. It also has a massive motor court, a giant living room with vaulted ceilings, indoor and outdoor dining rooms, a Tara worthy spiral staircase in the entrance hall, a well equipped kitchen, a large pool, spa with nearby fire pit and fountains. Let's not forget the fountains.

As was noted by the good people at E!, Miss Spears, who is reported to be subjected to a weekly allowance of $1,500, will need the permission of her conservator/father Jamie Spears in order to make a purchase of this size.

UPDATE: Melissa Etheridge

Last November Your Mama discussed the ivy covered house that rock and roll ladee and cancer survivor Melissa Etheridge and her baby momma Tammy Lynn Michaels had on the market for $4,995,000 (later reduced to $4,495,000). Today we learned from Mister Big Time that the hilltop property, located in the horsey and guard gated celebrity friendly enclave of Hidden Hills, has been sold to an unknown buyer for an undisclosed sum of money.

So we'd like to offer an assist on this one because we heard from from our wickedly well informed source Lucy Spillerguts that the buyer of the quasi country English style six bedroom and 6.5 bathroom house was none other than saucy sexpot and Desperate Housewife Nicollette Sheridan. A second source who we'll call the Penny Pricegiver whispered in Your Mama's big ear the Miz Sheridan coughed up $4,320,000 for the property.

Given that the woman has been engaged to long time beau-friend Michael Bolton for what seems like an eternity, Your Mama presumes and hopes this is where the couple intends to live in wedded bliss.

As we noted in our previous discussion on Mrs. and Mrs. Etheridge-Michaels' real estate doings, the ladee couple and their cabal of kids moved to another property in Hidden Hills. Records show that Miz Sheridan is moving from a small but very private house on Roscomare Road in the hills above Bel Air. As far as we know Mister Bolton lives in Westport, CT, but to be honest, we're not really sure.

Connelly and Bettany Leave Brooklyn

SELLER: Jennifer Connelly and Paul Bettany
LOCATION: Prospect Park West, Brooklyn, NY
PRICE: $8,500,000
SIZE: 5,276 square feet, 9 bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Located on a corner lot directly across from Prospect Park, sunlight fills the grandly proportioned rooms all day long through over sized windows. All of the original wood carving surrounding the windows and mantels as well as the elaborate plaster work on the ceilings remains intact and in perfect condition. There are fireplaces in all of the public rooms (living, dining, kitchen) as well as in 3 of the 4 master bedrooms. There is a full servant's quarters on the top floor consisting of 4 small bedrooms, a full bath and a large storage room...Central air-conditioning has been added and there is a large, fully landscaped garden at the rear of the house which is gated and private.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Once upon a time and not so long ago the faces of people actually crumpled up in consternation and confusion if you told them you were headed to Brooklyn's Park Slope neighborhood to visit a friend.

"Park Slope?" They hissed incredulously as they looked you up and down like you had gone mad. "Are. You. Kidding? How do you even get there? Who do you know in Park Slope? Are they lezbeeun?" (Park Slope has long been considered a haven for ladees of the Sapphic persuasion)

And the situation was even more melodramatic if you actually dared to move from Manhattan to Brooklyn. Believe Your Mama when we tell the children that many great friendships were busted up and torn asunder because die-hard Manhattan-centrics adamantly and vehemently ree-fused to haul their booties onto the damn F train.

Then, about five or six years ago just about every artist, hipster or wannabe hipster with a banana seat bi-cycle, people who had previously never ventured north of 14th Street or west of Broadway, packed up their old-skool turntables and ironic t-shirts and moved across the East River to Williamsburg. The exodus had begun. Soon lower Manhattan was hemorrhaging hipsters, homosexuals and the artistically inclined to beautiful but previously unknown Brooklyn neighborhoods like Cobble Hill, Fort Greene, and of course, good ol' Park Slope.

The celebrities soon followed and rich and famous folks like Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams packed their luxury luggage and beelined it for Brooklyn. Two of Park Slope's resident celebrity poster people have long been Oscar winning actress Jennifer Connelly (A Beautiful Mind)–who grew up in Brooklyn–and her dirty looking but impossibly sexy actor huzband Paul Bettany who records show scooped up a major mansion on Prospect Park West in August of 2003 for $3,700,000.

But Park Slope poster people they are not more. That's right children, Connelly and Bettany have forsaken the borough of Brooklyn. Gasps all around. Not only have the couple reportedly decamped to Manhattan's TriBeCa neighborhood where they'll shack up in a $6,995,000 penthouse loft, as the good people at Curbed were the first to report, the couple have also put their plum piece of Park Slope pulchritude on the market with an eye popping and Manhattan-like asking price of $8,500,000.

Listing information for the elegant looking 5,276 square foot mostly detached mansion shows there are nine bedrooms and 3.5 bathrooms. Four of the bedrooms and one of the bathrooms happen to be staff quarters that are tucked up under the third floor roof so unless the new owner plans on employing a few live in gurls (or boys) to keep all that crazy carved wood detailing dust free, those room are unlikely to be used much excect for the punishing the children. Oh dear! Did we say that out loud?

Anyhoo, Your Mama positively wet our party pants with envy and dee-light when we first perused the pretty pictures of the comely Connelly/Bettany crib. As far as Your Mama is concerned, this sort of soo-blime juxtaposition of old and new, minimal and maximal is about as good as it gets. Mixing all that wickedly intricate woodwork and exquisite plaster detailing with spare, clean lined and yet comfortable looking contemporary furniture creates an unexpected friction and visual tension that makes Your Mama's mouth water.

Paring down the seating arrangements and eliminating knick knacks allows the architectural drama to take the main stage and presents a seductive and sensational sophistication to the grandly proportioned rooms which are kept intimate and user friendly with yummy tactile fabrics and deep-seated down filled sofas perfect for curling up with long bodied bitches and other loved ones.

Your Mama will not be making any predictions about whether East Coast based Hollywood types moving from Brooklyn to Manhattan marks the beginning of a new New York City residential migration trend. However, it's certainly not unusual for NYC neighborhoods du jour to reach their peak, mellow with age and then see the pioneers and vanguards move on to other less discovered and less expensive locales. Remember when SoHo was an affordable, electrifying and creative place? Now it's just a place for tourists to buy khakies at Gap and make up at Sephora.

However, given the princely price tag of the Connelly/Bettany mansion in Park Slope, not to mention the glitzy and glassy Richard Meier designed condo complex going up at Grand Army Plaza, it appears that the next wave of folks migrating to Park Slope will certainly be rich if not arty and/or famous.

(ASIDE) We are so sorry for spelling Miz Connelly's name incorrectly the first time around. How embarrassing! It's been corrected.

Lord Black of Crossharbour Cashing Out

YOUR MAMAS UPDATE (1 week later): Turns out this property is no longer being offered for sale despite listings beings available online. Apparently Mister Black's broker told the Palm Beach Daily News that Mister Black did not want to "sell it or show it at present."

SELLER: Conrad Black and Barbara Amiel
LOCATION: S. Ocean Boulevard, Palm Beach, FL
PRICE: Not currently for sale (anymore)
SIZE: 15,795 square feet, 5 bedrooms and 7 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Elegant ocean to lake estate was completely rebuilt for the present owners in Jan 2002. 5 bedroom suites, totally private with views, master suite consisting of 22x17 bedroom, lakefront library, his & her baths & dressing room plus a tower computer room. 7 baths plus fitness center with steam room, sauna and full bath. Formal living room with curved walls, fireplace, ocean to lake views, dining room lakefront with French doors opening to balcony, kitchen with commercial equipment and butler's pantry, two loggias both lake front, one opens to pool deck and pool, other to 2nd floor balcony, 20x18 theater with kitchen.

YOUR MAMA NOTES: Erstwhile Canadian media mogul Conrad Black famously lived phat, spending obscene amounts of money on jewelry, clothing and humongous homes around the world. His wife, noted columnist Barbara Amiel once said of herself in a Vogue magazine profile: "I have an extravagance that knows no bounds." Oh dear.

But oh lawhd children, how far the mighty and filthy stinking rich sometimes fall. The former head of Hollinger International (now the Sun-Times Media Group) is now shacking up in a prison cell at the Coleman Federal Correctional Complex in Orlando, FL. after being convicted in a U.S. court on three counts of mail fraud and one count of obstruction of justice. Uh oh. Mister Conrad, who renounced his Canadian citizenship in a blaze of publicity and was granted a lordship by the Queen of England in 2001, settled into his itty bitty new home in early March of 2008. His sentence is 78 long months, an amount of time our bejeweled abacus tells us is more than six years.

As one might expect in a time of white collar criminal crisis, expenses have to be sliced, diced and hacked away and thanks to Paulina Padlily in Palm Beach Your Mama has learned that Lord and Lady Black have put their large and lavish S. Ocean Boulevard spread on the market with an undisclosed asking price.

According to the Palm Beach tax man, the 2007 taxes alone were $471,082 and given that it's probably costs another million to operate and maintain a monstrous mansion like this, it kinda makes sense that the Blacks would want to be free of that considerable financial obligation. Besides, it appears they won't be using it much for the next five or six years.

Located on a princely parcel that stretches from the Atlantic Ocean to the Intracoastal Waterway, property records reveal that Lord and Lady Black purchased their chunk of Palm Beach paradise way back in July of 1997 for $9,900,000. Listing information indicates that the property was "completely rebuilt" in 2002 and includes 5 bedrooms and 7 bathrooms (records show 5 beds and 9.5 bathrooms and listing information would indicate there are multiple half bathrooms).

Other dee-luxe amenities on the property include his and her powder rooms, perfect for when there are 40 or 400 over for a charity function, a 52-foot swimming pool with an adjacent pool/guest house, a tennis court, also with an adjacent building, an elevator–because apparently really rich Lords and Ladees can't be bothered to walk up a single flight of stairs, a wine closet (natch), staff accommodations (natch, again), a large media room, a kitchen with commercial grade appliances, a master bedroom with his and her baths, private library and a tower computer room, and last but not least, a tunnel under S. Ocean Boulevard for accessing the beach without the indignity of dodging traffic in a boldly printed Lily Pulitzer shift and raffia beach mules.

Your Mama can't tell the children for how much this house is listed, but we can tell you that in 2007, the Palm Beach assessor valued the estate at $27,980,115. We would guess it's listed for between five and ten million smackers over that number, but that is just a damn guess children, so don't anyone report or repeat that like we know what we're talking about, because clearly we do not.

The Lord and Lady Black have long made their primary home in a big house on posh Park Lane Circle in the Bridle Path neighborhood, an area Your Mama has several times heard referred to as the Beverly Hills of Toronto. In 2005, the Blacks sold their New York City digs, a 4,500 square foot co-operative apartment at 635 Park Avenue. Given the relatively modest size of their Park Ave. co-op, the couple also reportedly owned a second smaller apartment in the building where their staff were housed, an impressive real estate luxury to be sure. The sale of 635 Park Avenue was tawdry, complicated and widely reported by all the New York real estate media and gossips and resulted in the Feds seizing $8,900,000 of the proceeds. Uh oh. Also reportedly sold in 2005 was the 11 bedroom townhouse the couple owned in London's coveted Kensington district. That residence was reported to have been sold for around $25,000,000 (US).

We do feel badly for anyone faced with the collapse of their financial house. It's an uglee mess for anyone to have to deal with. However, we also are hard pressed to believe that the Lord and Lady don't have a pile of money in some off-shore account somewhere that will allow them to restart their lavish, but currently on hold lifestyle. We know nothing and make no claim to knowing anything, but it just makes sense because people this rich simply don't sell everything and move into a tract house in some sad development in the Florida panhandle, you know?

It's Nice to Be Back Home Again

We are restored!

While we were confident the children would find their way to our temporary digs, it's a relief to be back home. We have posted the two discussions we posted from our internet hotel, but unfortunately we are unable to bring the comments with them.

Thanks to Google and Blogger for their efficient fix-up and of course, Your Mama was deeply moved by all the messages of hope and encouragement from the puppies.

Now...let's get on with things.

Pacman's Palace

SELLER: Pacman Jones
LOCATION: North Chapel Road, Franklin, TN
PRICE: $1,799,950
SIZE: 5,845 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 4 full and 2 half bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Pacman Jones Estate on 30 acres with a private 2 acre lake with boat docks. Huge 8 stall horse barn...Massive compound with 3 homes...This is the ultimate property in Middle Tn...Less than 2 miles to interstate 65. Priced well below market value.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Quick. Somebody bring Your Mama the nerve pills. The big ones.

We have been getting emails about this ass-uglee property since late last week (and it's now been reported far and wide), but given our recent technological ish-oos Your Mama has been way-layed and delayed in bringing the children up to date on the Franklin, TN estate of Pacman Jones that was recently put on the market for $1,799,900.

As someone who spends considerable time and energy flipping the channel away from ESPN and Monday Night Football, Your Mama didn't have a clue who the curiously named Pacman Jones is or what he does that warrants him be labeled a celebrity. Thankfully, a gorgeous gal who calls herself Redneck Reba informed Your Mama that Mister Pacman is not a video game character like we imagined, but rather he's a professional football player and titanic trouble magnet who plays a position called cornerback–whatever that is–and was recently traded from the Nashville Titans to the Dallas Cowboys. The young man was also recently whacked by the po-po for allegedly smacking some ladee in the face in an Atlanta strip club. Whaaat?! And children, this was apparently not the first time the young man got into trouble with the law or, in fact, the first time he was reported to be linked to a serious strip club kerfuffle. Lawhd have mercy, this man would do well to stay away from any and all establishments that serve liquor and utilize greased poles as day-core.

Anyhoo, now that Mister Pacman will be moving to Dallas (or perhaps he already has), he's no longer in need of this 30.36 acre spread in rural and famous folk friendly Franklin, TN that property records reveal he purchased in July of 2006 for $1,575,000 from ack-tress Andrea Fry and writer/producer Michael Zomber, a couple of industry people with itty bitty resumes on the Internet Movie Data Base.

When Redneck Reba first contacted Your Mama she asked, "Have you seen the ugliest house in Franklin, TN yet?"

And Your Mama thought, innocently, "How bad can it be?"

Well children, as you can see, it's about as bad as it can be.

Nobody, and we mean no-bah-dee, including Your Mama or our ball crazy pal Fiona Trambeau–a tart who knows intimate things about men who play with balls for a living–expects a professional football player in his early twenties flush with fat paychecks from the Tennessee Titans to live tastefully. But Jeezis, Mary and Joseph does every room need to have puffy black leather furniture and a behemoth wall mounted, porn ready boob-toob?

We recognize that Mister Pacman may not have been inclined to hire himself a nice gay decorator to help him out with his selection of lamps and couch cushions, but couldn't he have at least asked for a little decorating help from Tawny Tweenerlegs down at the local Strip and Bowl? Seriously.

Granted, the grounds are gorgeous, bucolic and horsey and we do love the private lake which we feel would be a lot less corny and Disneyland-ish if someone flipped the switch to turn off those silly fountain things. But the brick built house is, well, we don't mean to offend anyone, but it's an absolute disaster. In addition to the 5,875 square foot main house with it's 5 bedrooms and 4 full and 2 half bathrooms there are two other residences with untold numbers of bedrooms, bathrooms and black leather couches. In all serious, this would be an excellent home for a man with two or three wives. Or perhaps a woman with two or three huzbands...as Judy Tenuta would say, "It could happen."

That's all we have to say on the matter since any more would have us laid out under the table passed out from the hideosity and the gin and tonics. And that won't do because Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter have reservations at a ridiculously expensive but dee-lishusly tasty Mexican restaurant tonight and we want to be sober for the experience...at least when we get there.

We're sure some of you are wondering where Mister Pacman is living now that he's a Texan by profession. Well, we could look it up and ask our people in Dallas, but puppies, we just do not want to know that this man is out there buying and filling up some gigantic house in the suburbs of Dallas with more big beds covered in black fabric, nailing a dozen or more flat screen boob toobs to the walls and sticking a giant hot tub out on the deck in the back.

Brooke Astor's Posh Park Avenue Aerie

SELLER: Estate of Brooke Astor
LOCATION: 778 Park Avenue, New York, NY
PRICE: $46,000,000 (monthly maintenance = $17,251)
SIZE: 5 bedrooms 5.5 bathrooms (plus 4 staff rooms)
DESCRIPTION: ...A large centrally located reception gallery, with wet bar, leads to the beautifully scaled entertaining spaces which comprises a grand living room with a wood-burning fireplace and open views up and down Park Avenue, the well renowned Albert Hadley red lacquer, corner library with a wood-burning fireplace and French doors leading out to a terrace. An expansive kitchen with pantry, service hall, and three maid's rooms extend the possibility of a vast eat-in kitchen and family room with views toward Central Park...

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Behold the ballyhooed and behemoth Park Avenue penthouse that was home to high society high priestess Brooke Astor for more years than Your Mama has lived on this earth. Surely all the children already know the incredible story of Miz Astor's 105 year old life, how she fraternized with the finest and how she gave away hundreds of millions of dollars of her inherited fortune. And then of course, we're all too familiar with the sad saga and lurid accusations of elder abuse that ensued in her dying days. If we had the time or inclination to re-write that story it would surely read like the script of a melodramatic telenovela. However, why take the time when we're falling behind in our other duties and when New York Magazine did an excellent job recounting every sordid, scandalous and dee-lishus detail of the big money death bed drama late last year?

So let's stick to what we know, which is the real estate. Rather surprisingly, the much discussed and highly anticipated listing of her posh Park Avenue duplex hit the internets late last week with a bank account busting–but not unexpected–asking price of $46,000,000. Honestly puppies, Your Mama is quite surprised to see this prime piece of Park Avenue real estate hit the open market at all. We'd have bet our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly that there were oil barons, hedge hogs and filthy rich potentates and tycoons from around the world lined up three deep at the office door of lucky listing agent Leighton Candler screaming and waving bank statements showing colossal cash reserves and assets. Good thing we're not the betting type, right?

Anyhoo, Your Mama does not need to tell the children that one need be far more than just a little rich to persuade the lovely Miz Candler to pull the keys from the vault and offer a glimpse inside the hallowed halls and rooms of Miz Astor's aerie. Not only is the regal Rosario Candela designed 778 Park Avenue an all cash building, but it's likely that the powerful co-op board will require any potential buyer show three (or more) times the purchase price in assets. Liquid assets.

As expected, the 14 room, 5 bedroom and 5.5 bathroom penthouse is jaw dropping, mouth watering and insanely luxe enough to cause even the healthy to have a seizure. Yes, the day-core is probably a little Rich-Grandma for most people's modern sensibilities, but in Your Mama 's big book of interior day-core it's still drop dead dignified and we think the soo-blime work of Sister Parish (and Albert Hadley) has withstood and endured the troublesome test of time. Besides and none the less, it's expected by all the know-nothings that Your Mama has spoken to that the buyer will probably remove every bit of Brooke Astor in a full scale renovation.

The size, scope and gray-shush lay out of the 15th and 16th floor duplex is what really leaves looky-loos like Your Mama and folks with $46,000,000 to spare drooling and chomping at the bit to get in there with a big name architect and a team of nice gay decorators. First there are the exquisitely scaled public rooms (the 29' entrance gallery, the 26' dining room, the 28' long living room) which are perfect for impressing charity function guests. Then there are the six terraces, five fireplaces, 4 staff rooms, and of course, last but not least is the legendary lacquered library that was done up and worked over by noted New York City decorator Albert Hadley (a former acolyte of Sister Parish, natch) who famously coated the walls with 10 meticulous layers of glossy red paint.

Honestly kids, Your Mama doesn't care if the stinking rich new owner rips this place up, installs CIA style security, a walk in wine cave, a cigar lounge, a gym, a home office and/or whatever other dee-luxe nonsense billionaires think they need in their homes. But for the sake of history and provenance, we do so hope they leave the bones of the library intact. Sure, swap out the balloon curtain things–a bit of frippery we've never understood anyway, trade the flower printed sofas for something down filled and covered in velvet. We're good with that. Have at it. But please, please keep the red lacquered walls that look like they're dripping the blood of the under-privileged and please restore floor to ceiling bookcases with their brass accents and fill them with rare books and first editions with exquisite bindings that cost more than most people can spend on an automobile. Because for better or worse, some things just should never change.

Your Mama is quite certain that the sale of this apartment will have all the real estate gossips' tongues wagging and fingers a-flyin' on their keyboards. So get ready, because the buyer speculation shit is going to be hitting the fan soon. Good times. Good times.

Cute Nichols Canyon Casa For Sale

SELLER: John Ales and Wendy Gazelle
LOCATION: Courtney Avenue, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $1,247,000
SIZE: 2 bedrooms, 1.75 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Gated character Spanish. Classic flowing floor plan, warm and inviting living room w/ imported tile fireplace, generous dining room. Italianate cook's kitchen with Viking range, SS appliances, travertine counters, sun lit breakfast area and French doors to large flat yard w/ outdoor fireplace, al fresco dining patio, big play area, fruit trees. Two generous bedrooms, one with French doors to yard. Travertine tiled baths. Enclosed patio makes a great office.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Listen puppies, not only is Your Mama is on the move and on the run today, we're also limp as a noodle after a long, late and liquored up night at Radio City Music Hall with the dee-vine Dolly Parton. So we gonna have to keep this one short and sweet and, like it or not, yer just going to have to tolerate it without complaining because neither Your Mama nor our pounding headache is in any mood to listen to the children piss, moan or whine. So please, we beg of you, shhh, please keep it down while Your Mama recuperates and tends to some of the nasty bizness that has got to be taken care of today.

Actor John Ales–a man we have never heard of but who appears to have had heaps of small parts on on programs like Chicago Hope, CSI: Miami and Without A Trace–and his actress wifey Wendy Gazelle–a ladee Your Mama has also never heard of but appears to have had a lot of small roles on big shows like Numb3rs, Grey's Anatomy, and CSI: Crime Scene Investigation–have recently put their modest and lovely Los Angeles house on the market with a $1,247,000 asking price...

...which, quite frankly, is a lot of damn money for a two bedroom house even if does offer a bougainvillea draped front porch area perfect for nursing a hangover in the bird chirpin' morning shade.

Anyhoo, property records indicate this young, married and working the Tinseltown treadmill couple purchased their 1,817 square foot Spanish-style casa on Courtney Avenue in September of 2003 for $849,000. The two bedroom and 1.75 bathroom house is gated and hedged for maximum privacy–which we love, natch–and its lower Nichols Canyon location means there's easy access to all the swinging hot spots in Hollywood without having to navigate the twisted and dangerous roads in the canyons after a few cocktails. Not that we'd ever encourage or condone anyone boozing and driving, of course, but you know what we're sayin'.

Both Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter are awfully fond of these comely casas that line the streets of Los Angeles, and but for the lackluster but not particularly problematic furnishings and the too Italianate for our taste kitchen with its ready to pounce pot rack, we could be very happy here as long as there was room for a swimming pool in the back yard.

Other pluses in our book of good real estate things is the property's location near rustic Runyon Canyon where Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter like to run our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly while all the outdoorsy celebrity types hike with their trainers. We love that there are fruit trees in the back yard and who doesn't love an al fresco dining area? Would we prefer another bedroom? Sure, of course, but even better would be a little room and bath out by the pool where we could stash family and friends without them disturbing our morning constitutions and evening rituals.

Alright children, we gotta run our dull and gin soaked mind out now, but if anyone has $1,200,000 to spend on a little house in Los Angeles and you like Italianate kitchens, this just might fit your fancy.

Ron Fair Spins His House on to the Market

SELLER: Ron Fair
LOCATION: Lime Orchard Road, Beverly Hills (PO), CA
PRICE: $4,795,000
SIZE: 3,977 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 4.25 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Recently completed and exceptionally finished contemporary home features a full-floor, upstairs master suite comprised of dual walk-in closets, a designer-chic bathroom and a spacious sitting room/office area. Plentiful French doors and sliding walls of glass bathe the house in light. Tree and ridge-top views from the private and serene pool area. Outdoor dining, a grassy side-yard/play area, and an additional, not-yet developed portion of land across the street round out this rare offering.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: He may not be a household name, but more than likely most folks are familiar with some of the music Ron Fair has written and/or produced, and we guarantee that even the most vehemently indie of the children are somewhat and/or superficially acquainted with a few of the females he's mentored and transformed into singing super stars. Mister Fair is widely understood to be at least partly responsible for funneling and channeling the early careers of ladees like Christina Aguilera, Mya, Mary J. Blige, Macy Grey, The Pussycat Dolls, Keyshia Cole and as the president/chairman of Geffen Records, he's the slim hipped and bespectacled music mogul who worked with Ashlee Simpson on her most recent and not entirely well received third album, a slickly produced pop music flash back that Your Mama can assure you we will go out of our way not to listen to.

Regardless of what you think of the particular genre of pop music he's responsible for producing and pushing, Mister Fair is clearly very good at what he does and has earned himself a healthy and respectable living as is evidenced by the contemporary crib in the Bev Hills that he recently foisted on to the market with a $4,795,000 asking price.

Property records show Mister Fair purchased the 3,977 square foot (per assessor) residence on Bev Hills' guard gated and celebrity laden Lime Orchard Road in September of 2002 for $3,100,000, and listing information indicates the 5 bedroom and 4.25 bathroom residence was given a recently completed re-do.

Although we are non-plussed by the somewhat ster-rile and uncomfortable looking living and dining room day-core and we find the fireplace design a little, uh, much, generally speaking this is a house we can get behind. We are feelin' appreciative of the generous glazing and the ease with which the main rooms open wide to the exterior, we are happy to see the sterility issue resolved in the den/office, and really, let's be honest, there's nothing here that can't be fixed with a nice gay decorator who knows a thing or two about injecting color into a room without making it looking like a damn fun house.

Your Mama is rarely a fan of the kitchen pass through, so we're certainly not grooving on the stove hood peeping through the pass through to the dining room, but we do like the size of the kitchen, the sky light works well for ambient sunshine, and we like stools where dinner guests can sidle up and sip gin and tonics while Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter whip up some Chinese food.

Although we can imagine not all couples with kids will find it desirable, Your Mama is one hundred percent in support of the second floor being devoted entirely to the master bedroom... puts the over night guests like Sister Woman's rather loud children at a comfortable night time distance. The fireplace in the master could be nice for cool or romantic evening, that is of course if we could persuade our house gurl Svetlana to haul a load of wood up to the second floor, which Your Mama is pretty sure we could not. We could certainly live with it, but again, the fireplace design in the master bedroom is just a bit too too for our personal taste and we're definitely not digging the flat screen television anchored above the fireplace even though it's probably perfect for the porn passionistas among us.

The petite and private backyard is also tugging our love strings as it's just enough space for a wonderfully simple shaped swimming pool and a wee terrace for the umbrella shaded chaise lounges, but not nearly large enough for all th at visually upsetting climbing and sliding apparati that people with children too often clutter up their backyards with. "Take 'em to the park or the beach if they want to dig in some sand," is what' we're sayin'.

Listen kids, Your Mama thinks this might be an opportunity for one of you well-to-do children to live up in a guard gated neighborhood bulging and bursting at the seams with rich and famous Hollywood types. Up the road from Mister Fair is former President and CEO of Lifetime Entertainment Carole Black. Down the road and around the corner we've got former Viacom head honcho Tom Freston (who happens to be selling his townhouse in NYC) and a little further along is fast fading singer/ack-tress/tabloid queen Jessica Simpson, who shacks up next door to bling queen Kimora Lee Simmons about whose krazy dee-luxe ways are in constant awe. Also in the 'hood is producer and mega music manager Guy Oseary and up the hill is the sprawling and modern residence of recently deceased gun lover Charleton Heston. And that's not even counting the other ridiculously rich neighborhood residents like financier Richard Ressler who owns a multi-parcel estate on Lime Orchard Road or the politically well-connected couple who recently purchased producer Andrew Vanja's in need of a nice gay decorator estate for $6,300,000.

So listen children, y'all can gripe and snipe all you want about how this house in the Post Office and not the City of Bev Hills and you can scoff 'til the cows come home about the sorry state of the guard house at the bottom of Lime Orchard Road, but this neck of the hills is crawling with celebs who can afford to live anywhere in LA, so it just cain't be all that bad.

We understand the Mister Fair has a small child now and as such Your Mama presumes that he and his baby momma will be moving to more child friendly digs where they can fill the back yard with slides, sand boxes and jungle gyms like all the other rich mommies and daddies. C'est la vie.

Pamela Anderson Has the Urge to Purge

Ordinarily Your Mama sticks to who is buying and selling the real estate. However, this morning we awoke to an email from Mister Malibu who informed us that pin-up princess Pam Anderson is selling everything but the real estate (which in this case she does not own). That's right children, the woman who's made a very good living strutting her behemoth breasts around to anywhere and everywhere there might be a camera is having a gargantuan garage sale at the Malee-boo mansion she's been leasing since last year up on Morning View Drive. According to the pink website set up for the sale, "She's selling everything!"

And hunnies, everything means everything including the damn kitchen sink. We got 5,000 square feet of vintage country French furniture, faux-aged clay pots, designer doo-dads and depression glass, jeans and jewelry, lamps of all sorts, scooters and skateboards, dozens of white slip covered sofas, baskets full of shells and silver, shoos, tools, off-road equipment, a new Jacuzzi tub, a six passenger electric car and, yes children, a full kitchen.

Security will be be tight tight tight–and Your Mama imagines Miss Pam unlikely to be there–so don't any-bahdee hop in your hoopdies and head out to Malee-boo and act stoopid.

Doors open at 7am. No early birds. Did you hear that all you yard sale queens who typically show up to these things at the crack of dawn with wads of cash wearing matching and brightly colored windbreakers? No. Early. Birds.

photo: Helping Hand Estate Sale Service