Brangelina On The Move...Again

Word on the ritzy rues of St. Jean Cap-Ferrat is that super stars Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie along with their multi-culti brood of celebutots have recently arrived in the South of France via private jet with two nannies and three security guards in tow.

(What! That's all? Your Mama was under the impression that the entourage of these two always on the move movie stars also includes several personal assistants. Don't tell Your Mama the assistants were forced to fly coach on a commercial airline because that is just mean. And what about the home school teachers? Don't these children need teachers?)

The freakishly good looking couple et. al. have reportedly settled in for an extended stay at Villa Maryland, the Florentine-style architectural confection owned by Microsoft co-founder and prodigious party thrower Paul Allen. The spectacular hill top villa is tended by a year round staff of 12 and features a lovely swimming pool, meticulously manicured grounds, plenty of privacy and a view of the Mediterranean over a small yacht harbor.

Other really rich (part time) residents and nearby neighbors are said to include Bono (whose waterfront place is in nearby Eze Bord du Mer), music theater mogul Andrew Lloyd Weber, and it is widely rumored but not confirmed that multi billionaire Bill Gates purchased the legendary Villa La Leopolda from international high society doyenne Lily Safra for between seventy five and ninety million smackers. Pocket change for a man with a net worth of 60 or 70 billion bucks.

photos: NiceLife via VirtualTourist

Ricky Martin Has Island Fever

According to bunches of Brazilian newspapers and blogs that Your Mama is unable to read, bearded and bon bon shaking Puerto Rican pop star Ricky Martin has gone and bought himself an island off the coast of Rio de Janeiro. A damn island!

Details are slim, but all reports say He of the Bubble Boo-tay forked over about eight million clams for the small island that is reported to be part of the Angra dos Reis archipelago.

We got no reason to piss, moan or dispute any one's reports, but quite frankly, that number sounds a little high to Your Mama given that another island in the chain of island-ettes which features a giant 7 bedroom house, a swimming pool and a private heliport is currently on market for $3,495,000. Did Ricky get something even more faboo? Or did he get had?

Listen up Señor Martin, call Your Mama. We could use a nice vacay far from the snap snapping of the paparazzi and it sounds like your little island could be just the place. We'll even bring Sven the Svee-dish masseur who'll rub your beefy bah-dee until you beg him to stop.

Your Mama Hears...

...From the Shelter Island Snitch that Shorewood Manor, once the summer digs of former New York State governor Hugh Carey, has finally been sold.

Shelter Island local Chris Knight purchased the spectacular (but somewhat shabby) 8.5 acre property in early 2007 for $10,000,000 and immediately put it back on the market with a shocking $33,000,000 asking price which was later hacked to $24,900,000 and then again chopped to $22,400,000.

Property records do not yet reveal a buyer or a sale price, but Snitch whispered to Your Mama that Mister Knight had several offers to chose from and the lucky winner of the property hails from the land of Rolex. That would be Switzerland puppies...at least that's where Your Mama's Submariner comes from. All that coy little Snitch would reveal about the sale price was that it is "in the double digits" and provides a "handsome profit" for all parties involved in the (rumored to be) record setting deal.

UPDATE: Veronica Hearst

It sounds like Miz Veronica Hearst's Fifth Avenue real estate ship has finally sailed and the moving trucks will soon be lined up on East 66th Street with doors standing agape and ready for all the fine furniture and high priced ar-tay-facts that will be swaddled in bubble wrap and squirreled out through the service entrance.

Boy wonder real estate gossip Max Abelson at the New York Observer worked his Rolodex, turned on his considerable charms and recently managed to get the chatty wife of co-cop board president (and AllianceBernstein CEO) Lewis Sanders on the horn who told him, "She [Miz Hearst] has a gorgeous apartment and it’s sold at a top price. … And that’s all that can be said."

However, that is not all that was said. When asked about the identity of the new buyer Miz Sanders added, “You really don’t see people. This is like living in a building alone, as opposed to living with others,” she said. “Affluent people prefer that." Oh. Ouch. That's an unconscious but very revealing statement by a very privileged woman, isn't it?

Miz Sanders, who apparently could not stop speaking once she started, also told Mister Abelson that, “She’s [Miz Hearst] decided to move to another residence.”

Well, obviously.

Will Miz Hearst and her roommate/daughter Fabiola Beracasa pack up and move to her 45-acre estate in New Castle, NY? Have the two of them rented something small but soigné in Southampton for the summer? Or, as The Fifth Avenue Flapjaw whispered to Your Mama the other day, Miz Hearst might be packing up her closets full of couture clothing and heading south. Way south. To Bolivia. Bolivia? Who moves to Bolivia anymore? Anyhoo, we can't confirm that bit of gossip and rumor, but let's remember children that it whaaz Flapjaw who first tattled to Your Mama that Miz Hearst had done sold her lavish and long time Fifth Avenue digs for $31,000,000. (The actual sale price is yet to be revealed or confirmed.)

If we've said it once we've said it a thousand times, we sincerely hope this marks the end of The Widow Hearst's financial brouhaha and that the educated ladee will soon settle into something modest and manageable and encourage fabulous Fabiola go and get an apartment of her own.

Arthur Blank Selling Buckhead Mansion

SELLER: Arthur and Stephanie Blank
LOCATION: Tuxedo Road, Atlanta, GA
PRICE: $10,600,000
SIZE: 8,225 square feet, 7 bedrooms, 7 full and 3 half bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Spectacular mature gardens and lake are viewed from the iron balconies of this magnificent 4 acre estate. Situated on one of Atlanta's finest streets, across from the Woodruff estate, the grounds of this wonderful seven bedroom home are unparalleled in Buckhead.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: About a week ago Your Mama received word from the Buckhead Blabbermouth that Atlanta Falcons owner, Home Depot co-founder and billionaire Arthur Blank recently put his baronial Buckhead mansion on the market for $10,900,000. Being blissfully and almost totally ignorant about professional sports, the only tidbit Your Mama can pull out of the dark recesses of our gin soaked mind about the Atlanta Falcons is that it's the team for which disturbing dog torturer Michael Vick last quarterbacked. However, let's not uglee this story up with discussing that pile of sick whom Your Mama hopes is some demonic dude's new "wife" in whatever prison he's landed.

Knowing little about Atlanta other than it's sometimes called "Hotlanta" and that land luvin' billionaire Ted Turner and He of the Fabulous Sunglasses Elton John maintain residences in the southern city, we once again turned to our saucy and sassy friend Fiona Trambeau who happens to know a thing or two about Buckhead thanks to a sexually confused, Guinness guzzling and pill popping former consort who shall remain nameless. For now.

Miz Trambeau informs Your Mama that Buckhead is one of Atlanta's finer neighborhoods and its winding and leafy streets are lined with mansions both modest and excessive, stately and over-stated. According to Miz Trambeau, there also happens to be a thriving nightlife in Buckhead that is peopled by khaki clad bizness men who look like they might have belonged to a fraternity in college and young women in strappy high heels, expensive mini dresses and even more expensive handbags. As you might imagine, Miz Trambeau finds it all a little mainstream for her notoriously wild and wicked ways.

Anyhoo, property records reveal that Mister and Missus Blank purchased their 8,225 square foot brick Colonial Revival style mansion on Buckhead's Tuxedo Road in April 1993 for $3,380,000. Listing information indicates the house includes 7 bedrooms with 7 full and 3 half bathrooms. It's a good thing listing information also indicates that the Blank pile also includes staff quarters, because with ten terlits you definitely need a live in gurl with a scrub brush super glued to one of her hands.

Listing information and and a recent report in the Atlanta Journal Constitution reveal that the interior spaces include a two story foyer for impressing guests and the pizza delivery man, a dining room that seats 12, a library, media room/home thee-ay-ter, and in-law suite (which is a fantastic feature for those with frustrating in-laws), a wine grotto for perfect for well to do winos to tipple and taste, and an in-home fitness center in which the hung over home owners can privately sweat out the booze the next morning .

However, it's really the outdoor spaces that make this property a real head turner. Four acres of magnificent, meticulous and mature landscaping include a private lake (that looks a wee bit small to be a lake, so let's call it a pond), multiples terraces, patios and decks, a swimming pool, sculpted lawn areas, gazebos, pergolas, quiet contemplative corners and secret sweet spots where one could easily and freely frolic in their birthday suit without any fear of being spied by neighbors or hovering helicopters.

As the children might expect and any high end property shopper would hope, Mister and Missus Blank's Buckhead estate sits in solid real estate company. Across the street is Windcrofte, the Regency style behemoth that was once the home of Robert Woodruff, a man who had Coca Cola cash coming out his philanthropic wazoo. Currently owned by big biznessman and wannabe Republican politician Guy Millner, the 7-acre property is also on the market for $13,900,000.

According the Atlanta Journal Constitution, the billionaire Blanks will be staying in the hotsy totsy 'hood and plan to move to another Buckhead property that is currently under renovation. Your Mama hopes their new digs will include landscaping as lovely and impressive as their old house and we look forward to being invited to a garden party this summer to check it all out.

Alex Lifeson In a Rush to Sell His Hoose

SELLER: Alex Lifeson
LOCATION: Chestnut Park Road, Toronto, Ontario, Canada
PRICE: $5,699,000 (Canadian)
SIZE: 6 bedrooms, 7 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: ...Over 6,000 sq. ft. of beautifully fin space lends itself to elegant & comfortable living. Entertaining spaces are stylishly fin w/ sophisticated accents. Fab fpls. on 4 lvls. 6 bdrms are spacious. A detached 3 car grg w/ 2nd lvl living/studio space accessible fr frdn. A rare circular drive creates a dramatic entrance.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Back in the 1970s, Your Mama, Sister Woman, and cuzzins Lois and Toddaroohoo used sit around Aunt Jennie's colossal console stereo and ride around in Your Mama's Mama's souped up Cutlass listening to 8-track tapes of Linda Ronstadt, Barry Manilow and Donna Summer with a bit of the Bay City Rollers tossed in for modern measure. In the 1980s, like so many other confused and angst ridden small town teens, Your Mama fell backwards into the post-Punk and New Romantic music scenes of the The Psychedelic Furs, Softcell and Culture Club. Jeezis, remember those days, kids? So when we first received word from Canadian Jon that a man named Alex Lifeson had put his big hoose in a hoity toity area of Toronto on the market, we confess, we didn't have a clue who Mister Lifeson is or what he does that qualifies him as a noteworthy individual.

So, as we always do, Your Mama turned to the internets where we learned Mister Lifeson is the founder and lead guitarist for Rush, a venerable and beloved prog-rock band that defines a particular genre of music that Your Mama never understood nor particularly liked. Listen puppies, we're not dogging Rush or in any way throwing shade on their talents, longevity or considerable successes. We're simply saying, that heavy duty rock (or "prog-rock," whatever that is) was not, is not and will never be Your Mama's cup of musical tea.

Anyhoo, according to listing information and a recent report in The Globe and Mail, Mister Lifeson's three story and (approx.) 6,000 square foot brick built hoose stands on Chestnut Park Road in a leafy and posh part of Toronto called Rosedale. Your Mama feels comfortable enough with the children to tell them that we are entirely ignorant of Toronto's lay of the land so we quickly consulted a Canadian cohort we'll call The Fiddler who tells us that ritzy Rosedale sits very near downtown Toronto, has lots of swanky shops that line Yonge Street, and is chock full of Canadian rich and famous folks like master thespian Eugene Levy, billionaires Gerry Schwartz and Heather Reisman, comedienne Andrea Martin and fellow Rushian Geddy Lee. Several years ago, troubled American actor Kiefer Sutherland and his wifey Kelly very publicly sold their house in the Crescent Park section of Rosedale during their long estrangement (and subsequent dee-vorce).

Since Your Mama hasn't any idea how to look up Canadian property records, we have to rely on The Globe and Mail's report that 54 year old Mister Lifeson and his wifey Charlene have owned their crib with the frat hoose-like facade for (about) ten years. We don't know how much moolah the couple paid for their place, but it is currently listed at $5,699,000 (Canadian), which our bejeweled abacus informs Your Mama is about the same as $5,624,000 American dollars.

Listing information indicates the hoose includes 6 bedrooms and 7 bathrooms spread over three floors of living space as well as a finished basement that contains a games room. The main living level features an impressive entrance gallery and stair hall, living and dining rooms with wacky wallpaper and elaborate and upsetting window treatments, a library, family room and a large eat in kitchen with a large (and possibly dangerous) pot rack that listing information reveals is included in the sale.

Other than the zany zebra print rug paired with the kooky 1980s red-violet chaise lounge with the poppy orange throw pillows in the sitting room of the master bedroom, there's really little in terms of interior day-core that Your Mama cares for...it's just too traditional, fussy and furniture showroom-ish for our personal taste. None the less we find the facade stately, the public rooms nicely proportioned, and we adore the detached carriage hoose/garage with living space above which is perfect for stashing staff and/or guests that don't recognize that a three week visit is simply too long and intrusive to be warrant being hoosed in the main hoose.

According to local gossip (and reported in The Globe and Mail), now that their two children are grown Mister and Missus Lifeson have decided to move on to a smaller crib, a sensible real estate decision we seldom see made by rich and famous folks who so often buy and build ever bigger and more lavish hooses.

Although we hear that Toronto is wonderfully lefty liberal and a lovely location to live, Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter prefer to make our home in warmer climes. However, if we were ever to pack up our small fleet of BMWs and emigrate to Canada (which, politically speaking, hasn't aways seemed like such a bad idea), we can imagine that a solid and dignified hoose like this would be an excellent place to set up shop and keep the bitter chill of winter at bay. After a little redecorating and a lot of wallpaper removal, natch.

UPDATE: Michael Jackson

Let Your Mama offer a word to the real estate wise: Get on the horn right away to the Biltmore or the Bacara iffin you want to be standing in the front row of the scheduled and fast approaching May 14 foreclosure auction of (literally) fading pop icon Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch. Fox 411 gossip columnist Roger Friedman recently reported that a few big bucks bidders are already circling with their cashier's checks in hand and Your Mama thinks that hotel rooms–good hotel rooms– may be difficult to come by.

Expect a media madhouse on the steps of the Santa Barbara County Courthouse when the tattered, torn and tossed aside 2,900 acre ranch is sold to the highest bidder and Mister Jackson's sad and embarrassing Santa Ynez Valley real estate woes come to their tawdry and inevitable end.

Interested parties are said to include "some form of the original loan holder Fortress Investments" as well as a Virginia based mortgage company who was approached earlier this year by now nixed Jackson manager/mouth piece Raymone Bain.

Meanwhile, where's Mister Jackson?

Sad. Sad. Sad. As Your Mama's good pal Virginia Slim says, "This can only end in tears." But at least it will end children, at least it will end.

UPDATE: Veronica Hearst

The scuttlebutt among the hoity toity denizens of the Upper East Side has reached a fever pitch in regards to the rumored sale of Veronica Hearst's lavish co-op at 4 East 66th Street. Someone in the know is apparently whispering similar stuff to Mister Max Abelson at the New York Observer that Your Mama heard through the gossip grapevine the other day.

Iffin the ladee who lunches needs a ridiculously discreet place to hole up and ride out the publicity, Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter would like to offer Miz Hearst our guest bedroom...because no one, and we mean no one, would ever expect Miz Hearst to be shacking up with Your Mama.

In all seriousness, if Miz Hearst does indeed sell her giant apartment we sincerely hope all her financial difficulties will be cleaned up, cleared up and a nothing but an uglee memory.

A Wee Bit of Weekend Mish Mash

1.
Your Mama hears whispered through the gossip grapevine that P-Diddy or Puff Daddy or Diddle Daddle–or whatever damn moniker the hugely successful East Coast based entrepreneur has chosen to go by this year–is sniffing around for a high priced property in some of the hillier and more desirable zip codes in Los Angeles.

2.
Oscar winning Australian actor and pugilist Russell Crowe must have moved out of the former N. Alpine Drive compound that had been previously leased by Tom Crooz. The 9 bedroom and 9 bathroom house (pictured above) sits on 3 manicured and prime Bev Hills acres and the owner is asking a spine tingling $100,000 per month.

Not that saving money is any concern of his, but sounds like Mister Prince could have saved some serious purple paper money if he'd leased this heavily secured house rather than (reportedly) forking over a shocking $200,000 per month for that behemoth in Beverly Park.

3.
In additional rental news, Your Mama's favorite Hollywood hottie of a certain age Sharon Stone is offering to lease a house she owns–but has never occupied as far as we know–for $58,000 per month. Located on five glorious acres at the terminus of N. Beverly Drive, poor Miss Stone has been trying to sell this real estate white elephant (pictured above) for about as long as Your Mama has been alive. Given that the baby-maker flashing AIDS activist and single mommy of two remains ensconced in her long time compound over on Dawnridge Drive, we can't fathom why she bought this house back in 2006 to begin with. But if we've said it once we've said it a thousand times, who are we to make sense of the fickle real estate desires and machinations of the rich and famous...particularly when we're talking about a capricious minx like Miz Stone?

4.
Since we're blathering on about rental properties today, let's go back to the teeny tiny house on Carbon Beach that billionaire David Geffen recently purchased from merely rich restaurateur Peter Morton. Our Fairy Godmother in Malee-boo whispered in our big ear that immediately after forking over $9,800,000 for the 2 bedroom house, Mister Geffen offered it out for lease at $15,000 per month (year round). Your Mama can't be sure the monthly checks Mister Geffen receives from the tenant show that exact number, but given its sa-weet location amongst all the billionaires on Carbon Beach, Your Mama presumes they do.

5.
Just so the children of the Chicken Little variety don't feel left out this morning, let's touch on the heavenly Hollywood Hills house that Naomi Foner and Stephen Gyllenhaal have on the market. Miz Foner and Mister Gyllenhaal are, of course, Jake and Maggie Gyllenhaal's mommy and daddy. However, they are also successful and respected industry types in their own right. Located on Mulholland Drive near the northern tip of Runyon Canyon, the couple first offered their warmly contemporary single story digs with an asking price of $4,200,000. They recently ka-rah-tay chopped the asking priced all the way down $3,795,000. Does this reflect the current state of the market or rather a sincere desire by Miz Foner and Mister Gyllenhaal to sell the property quickly? You decide. Whatever the case, this is one of our favorite celeb owned properties and if Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter had $3,795,000 to spend on a house, we do we would certainly consider this one.

Prince Leases Giant House in Beverly Park

According to the gurls who write the Wall Street Journal's Private Properties column, high heel wearing rock star royalty Prince recently leased this house in the guard gated Beverly Park community for $200,000...

...Per month.

Can you hear Your Mama gasping for air and reaching for the nerve pills?

Two hundred thousand dollars is a lot of damn money for to lease a place to live and throw parties even if the house measures in at around 30,000 square feet. The "Tuscan-style" extravagance is also available to purchase for a blistering $50,000,000. Property records, reports and rumors all say that the owner of the home is George Santopietro, who built the behemoth on speculation.

Prince may be special, but he isn't the only royal on this particular Beverly Park block. Several of the homes across the street are owned by the Saudi royal family. On one side of Prince's temporary palace is Rockstar Energy Drink founder Russ Weiner, who forked over $15,000,000 for his 16,000 (approx.) square foot house in February 0f 2007, and on the other side is the above mentioned Mister Santopietro, who was once married to letter turner Vanna White.

UPDATE LATER SAME WEEK: Your Mama heard from Mister Sunshine that Mister Prince only leased this house for one month during which he and his people threw a may-jah party for the Academy Awards. So maybe one of you Bev Park le can shoot us an email and let us know if His Petite Purpleness is (or is not) shacking up in Mister Santopietro's spec house.

Your Mama Hears...

...from A Girl Named Ted that pop starlet slash new mommy Christina Aguilera and her music executive huzband Jordan Bratman have quietly put their former residence on Devlin Drive in the Hollywood Hills on the market with a $7,995,000 price tag.

If the children put on their thinking caps, they will recall that in August of 2007 Mister and Missus Bratman made the rather unexpected choice to fork over $11,500,000 for the 11,571 square foot Bev Hills mansion of Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne. Perhaps Miss X-Tina was drawn to all the religious iconography carved into the doors and floors? Maybe she liked the gated motor court where they can unload baby Bratman from their gas guzzling white Rolls Royce without being photographed? Or maybe they are just not bothered by buses that roll slowly by while tourists act foolish and hang out of windows snap, snap, snapping with their Leicas? Who knows?

Anyhoo, property records reveal that Miss Aguilera purchased the Steve Hermann designed digs at the top of Devlin Drive in April of 2003 for an undisclosed sum of money although reports from the time indicate it was around $5,000,000. We've also heard from A Girl Named Ted that Miss Courtney Cox looked at this place before it was quickly snatched up–furniture and all–by Miss X-Tina. Prior to Mister Herman giving the place an overhaul, the Devlin Drive house was owned by producer Jack Haley Jr., who is perhaps better known in some circles for having once been married to the lovable show bizness train wreck that is Liza Minelli, a senior citizen who can still high kick it like she's 45 years old thanks to new hips.
Anyhoo, we digress yet again. Your Mama has yet to locate a listing for the Devlin Drive property, but records and reports indicate that there are 5 bedrooms and 7 bathrooms in the 5,411 square foot house (some reports say 6,500 square feet) as well as living and dining rooms, a screening lounge with wet bar, a 25 foot waterfall, and unobstructed views. Your Mama located photos on the designer's website that reveal that Mister Hermann did what he always does to houses in the Hollywood Hills, which is transform them into sleek and sexy celebrity style residences with textured palettes of taupe, mushroom, brown and beige.

We've got a tufted wall of mushroom colored velvet in the media area, a fireplace surround that appears to be made of brushed aluminum (or some other metal), a Carrara marble clad master bathroom, acres of shag rugs, a kitchen straight out of an Italian design magazine, lots of down filled leather furniture in the living room, a custom fitted closet and a dark bottomed swimming pool sunk into the large terrace that overlooks the twinkling lights of Tinseltown below.

If the children have kept their thinking caps strapped on, they might also recall that Mister Hermann is the man responsible for the Nightingale Drive nest for which billionaire Larry Ellison recently paid a record breaking $12,600,000 to purchase as a gift to his lucky daughter Megan. Mister Hermann also did over the house immediately next door to Miss Megan's new crib that media mogul Byron Allen has been trying to unload for over a year.

Dwayne Wade Lists Pinecrest Palace

SELLER: Dwayne Wade Jr.
LOCATION: SW 59th Place, Pinecrest, FL
PRICE: $4,999,000
SIZE: 9,035 square feet, 7 bedrooms, 7 full and 1 half bath
DESCRIPTION: Once in a lifetime opportunity to purchase NBA All Star home, Dwayne Wade's home in Pinecrest. Totally furnished with personal memorabilia.

YOUR MAMAS NOTE: Just between us chickens, Your Mama has been bending over backwards, forwards and sideways trying to handle our personal and professional bizness and attend to the brutal needs of the celebrity real estate obsessed. However, we can't be all things to all people at all times so we'd appreciate it if those naughty and nasty few (who know who they are) would stop sending Your Mama emails just to let us know you think we're a "lazy bitch." Seriously people, do you think we got nuthin' else to do but sit around and write this shit? Please. So unless you want to start writing the checks to pay our mortgages, vet bills and BMW payments, we do not want to hear it.

Now then, with that off our heaving chest, let's move on down to a place called Pinecrest, Flaw-ri-duh where an NBA all star basketball player named Dwayne Wade has put his crib on the market with a $4,999,000 asking price. All the children surely know by now that Your Mama knows as much about professional basketball as the devil knows about doin' right. So after being informed by our research queen B.S. Beaverman about Mister Wade's listing, we quickly consulted both the internets and our ball crazy buddy Fiona Trambeau for some basic 411 on the six foot four shooting guard from the Miami Heat they call Flash.

The internets told Your Mama that Esquire magazine has twice included young Mister Wade Jr. on their list of best dressed dudes, that the baby faced b-baller is soon headed for the court of dee-vorce and also that there is also salacious scuttlebutt circulating that he's dating formerly fat (but still sorta scary) Star Jones who recently filed for a dee-vorce from her well groomed huzband Al Reynolds. Miz Trambeau, on the other hand, offered Your Mama one of her typically snide and sickly cynical nuggets about Mister Wade Jr. saying, "He's a good looking young Christian man who gives wads of money to his church and in my book anyone who gives that much money to God is hiding something besides all of his basketball equipment." Oh dear. That's what we get for asking Fiona Trambeau a question when she's severely hung over after a long, durrty night at The Transfer.

Anyhoo, property records reveal that Mister Wade Jr. and his soon to be ex-wife Siohvaughn (pronounced shi-vahn) purchased the .94 acre property in July of 2005 for $3,975,000. A report in the Wall Street Journal discusses a legal brouhaha in which the developer of the house sued Mister and Missus Wade claiming they had not coughed up an additional $150,000 in improvements to the spec built property. The Wade's subsequently filed a counterclaim. We don't know the outcome of the drama, and if we're being honest, we don't much care.

Listing information for the 9,035 square foot mansion labels it a "contemporary colonial," an architectural style that, quite frankly, Your Mama has never heard of before. Records show the house measures 10,409 square feet with 6 bedrooms and 6.5 bathrooms. However, listing information indicates 9,035 square feet with 7 bedrooms and 7.5 bathrooms. Your Mama does not know why the discrepancy, but it might (might, children, might) have to do with the detached guest house adjacent to the backyard swimming pool.

Guest are greeted in the grandiose and designed to impress entrance foyer that features a double circular stairway and a custom floor medallion with the letter "W," a decorating detail only a professional sports star could love and one that neither Your Mama nor any nice gay decorator we know would ever suggest, recommend or allow.

The rest of the rooms seen in the photos hardly looked lived in and the chenille throw laid across the white leather recliner in the home thee-ay-ter reveals the all too obvious hand of a property stager. What Your Mama would really like to know is who exactly is responsible for deciding on and disseminating the notion that a chenille throw casually strewn across any and every piece of furniture says "home" to a potential buyer?

Upstairs in the master suite, which includes a giant beige tiled bathroom, we are genuinely mortified to find a circular bed. This children, is an item of furniture that can actually work in honeymoon suites of cheesy motels in the Poconos and/or in glitzy high roller suites in Las Vegas. However, Your Mama knows deep in our snarky soul that circular beds should not be installed in private homes. Anywhere. Ever. None the less Your Mama expects and sorta hopes that somewhere in the headboard is a tiny slot where one can drop a quarter to start the bed vibrating and rotating.

Interlocking pavers surround the pleasingly rectangular swimming pool that unfortunately features Mister Wade Junior's nickname "Flash" spelled out in custom tile work on the bottom. This is another questionable decorating notion that will be bothersome and costly for the next owner to fix.

Listing information indicates that the sale of Mister Wade Jr.'s home includes selected personal memorabilia, a sales tactic that Your Mama seldom sees. We got nuthin' against young and rich Mister Wade Junior. However, if we were in the market for a giant house in Pinecrest, FL–which we can assure you we will never be–tossing in an elaborately framed jersey and a few signed basketballs* would not be much of an enticement to sign on the five million dollar dotted line. A better notion might actually be for Mister Wade to bite the financial bullet and have that meddlesome medallion and all that custom tile work on the bottom of the swimming pool removed so that the new owner is relieved of the burden and cost of fixing that crap after closing on the property.

We imagine, but have no knowledge, that the sale of this property has more to do with Mister Wade's impending dee-vorce and less to do with any shifting professional associations. Whatever the case, we sincerely wish Mister Wade Junior's real estate agent is able to locate a well to do fan who's willing to cough up considerable cash to live with all that ka-razy customization.

YOUR MAMAS UPDATE: We did not at first realize that the lovelies at Luxist had actually discussed Mister Wade's property last year when it first hit the market with a sky high asking price of $8,900,000. The children will note that Luxist posted additional photos of the Wade crib that show a circular shaped glass elevator, a Spiderman themed bathroom and a truly bizarro (and wrong wrong wrong) mural of a shirtless Mister Wade located in a small niche in off the entrance foyer. We know Mister Wade was just a child himself when he came into all his basketball money so perhaps he went a little nuts on the day-core because, well, that's what very young people with money do sometimes. But Jeezis, Mary and Joseph, where was his mother or his nice gay decorator to step on the brakes of reason?

*Your Mama has no knowledge or information about what items of personal memorabilia may are may not be included in the sale.

Kevin Spacey Selling His Penthouse Spacey

SELLER: Kevin Spacey
LOCATION: Harrison Street, New York, NY
PRICE: $4,675,000 (taxes/maintenance=$2,489 per month)
SIZE: 2,363 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Occupying the top 2 floors in this 5 apartment condo; A sprawling 3 bedroom, 2.5 bath duplex penthouse with every convenience you could ever want. A complete Crestron system controls the window shades, lighting, entertainment system and internet. The wrap around terrace has open views, built-in grill, planters at every turn, custom lighting, sound system, timed irrigation system and retractable awnings. A perfect oasis for outdoor dining and lounging.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: According to the always too well informed real estate gossip Braden Keil who pens the Gimme Shelter column for the New York Post, two-time academy award winning film actor and noted thespian Kevin Spacey has karate chopped the asking price of his TriBeCa digs from nearly $4,995,000 to $4,675,000. Now kids, we're not embarrassed to tell you this was entirely new news to Your Mama. Not only were we totally ignorant to the fact that Mister Spacey owns property in New York City, we also didn't know this duplex condominium–which we have actually viewed online several times because we're sorta fond of the layout and 900 square foot terrace–actually belongs to someone as rich, famous and sexually ambiguous as Mister Spacey.

Property records for the 2,363 square foot building topper that rides astride a small boo-teek building on Harrison Street are a bit murky...at least Your Mama found them to be a wee difficult to parse during the early morning pre-caffeine hours. Most records indicate that Mister Spacey purchased the 3 bedroom and 2.5 bathroom condo in August of 2000 for an undisclosed sum of money. However, we also find records that indicate he coughed up $3,135,000 for the place in October of 2004. So who knows? We're sure that Mister Big Time can sort that out with his exceedingly powerful Lexis Nexis thing and we'll just update the information then.

A quick glance at the photos and it's obvious Mister Spacey hired himself a nice gay decorator to fill his penthouse with sleek, expensive and mostly beige and brown furniture and cabinetry. While ordinarily Your Mama poo-poos an all beige color scheme, we can live with this one because we know deep down in the points of our art loving toes that this place would benefit greatly from some vividly colored paintings and over-saturated photographs.

The layout on the other hand we like quite a bit. The bottom of the stairs cascading directly into the elevator entrance concerns us because according to the feng shui that could encourage the owner's money to run right out the front door. Otherwise Your Mama is rather fond of the modest and comfortable scale of the rooms, the smart separation of public spaces from private ones, and most especially the location of the master bedroom on it's own private floor which means that guests and hosts, while literally on top of each other, are unlikely to feel that way...at least if proper soundproofing was put into the floors. Given that the apartment is kitted and fitted with a high powered and high cost Crestron system that listing information indicates controls everything but the kitchen sink, we can't imagine that Mister Spacey didn't properly insulate and soundproof.

Like dinner guests who have an unexpected onset of diarrhea, Your Mama is breathing a sincere sigh of relief that all the bathrooms have windows. While the closet space is somewhat limited for a full time resident, as a pied a terre there seems plenty of space to stash the cashmere coats and winter boots. We're not surprised the the natty dressing Mister Spacey chose to decrease the size of the bedroom area of the master in order to increase the closet space and create a small dressing area. Your Mama is of the mind set more square footage in master bedrooms ought to be devoted to closets and bathrooms than the actual bedroom area as all most people do in their bedrooms is sleep and fornicate.

The well planted and appointed wrap around terrace has both Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter swooning with envy. We love the small private terrace off the master bedroom and the built in barbecue that is noted in the listing is perfect for warm summers of grillin' and chillin' with all our tan and good looking lezbeeun ladee pals. The only feature that we think might make this roof top oasis even more enviable is an outdoor shower private enough that you're neighbors could not see you washing your naughty bits. Don't scoff children, there are more outdoor showers installed on roof top terraces in Manhattan than you might think.

Although Your Mama isn't a big fan of living in TriBeCa, it's become very popular among 30 something Wall Streeters with giant wads of cash as well as celebrities with similar sized bank accounts. None the less, Your Mama is just not certain if there is a nearby park where Mister Spacey can "walk his dog" at four in the morning.

Property records also show that Mister Spacey also owns a large home on Live Oak Drive in Los Feliz's The Oaks neighborhood that features an oval swimming pool and a long, tree lined celebrity style driveway. Given that he's also the Artistic Director of the legendary Old Vic Theatre Company in London, Your Mama imagines but can not confirm that he has a crib across the pond too.

David Geffen: Beach Hog

BUYER: David Geffen
SELLER: Peter Morton
LOCATION: Pacific Coast Highway
PRICE: $9,800,000
SIZE: 1,473 square feet, 2 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Your Mama is a little late to the rodeo on this one, but since it involves a couple of big name property mavens in Malee-boo with biggest of bucks to trade properties as freely and easily as a couple of cock-eyed queens trading shade in a busted up bar in Birmingham, we figured we'd weigh in with some sass and salt.

The players are billionaire media mogul David Geffen and Hard Rock Café co-founder Peter Morton. Both gentleman currently own and occupy large Carbon Beach compounds comprised of multiple lots–two lots for Morton and four big ones for Geffen. Both also own several other properties in and around Malee-boo not to mention they live just a few hundred feet from each other as the crow flies...big bad Geffen in Bev Hills and Mister Morton in the Holmby Hills.

Anyhoo, back in March 1996 Mister Geffen bought an itty bitty 1,473 square foot oceanfront house with 45 feet fronting Carbon Beach for $1,230,000. He sold the two bedroom house in July of 1998 for an undisclosed price to a man named Richard Lovett, who happens to be the president of the ubiquitous and powerful artist management company Creative Artists Agency.

Time warp to February of 2007 when Mister Morton purchased the above mentioned property for a $10,500,000. Presumably Mister Morton leased the place out or maybe his son Harry, famous for founding the LA based Pink Taco restaurant chain and dating a pre-rehabbed Lindsay Lohan, shacked up there over the summer of 2007. Who knows? Who cares.

What is important here is that in early 2008 Mister Geffen agreed to purchase the teeny tiny two bedroom house for $9,800,000, which our bejeweled abacus tells us is $700,000 less than Mister Morton paid for the property just one year ago.

Your Mama is hard pressed to believe the house has lost $700,000 in value in the last year particularly given that the Malee-boo market hasn't exactly gone cold or stale in the midst of the mortgage meltdown sweeping other less desirable locales. So, our little pea brain says there might be more than meets our myopic eyeballs. It couldn't be that Mister Morton was just feeling charitable and decided to give the billionaire a big break, could it? Maybe Mister Morton is looking to show a large loss on his taxes? Could this parcel be part of some larger transaction between Mister Geffen and Mister Morton? Will Mister Geffen go on a buying spree in order to give Oracle founder and may-jor Malee-boo land owner Larry Ellison a run for his real estate money?

Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

The house is reportedly leased and Your Mama checked with a few of our better connected sources along the Pacific Coast Highway and from what we hear, the tenant is not, unfortunately for the celeb obsessed children, famous.

UPDATE: Veronica Hearst

This morning we're going to engage in a little rumor and gossip. Did you hear that children? Ru-mor and gos-sip, so there isn't much here you should read as fact.

Over the last few days Your Mama has heard from no less than three New York City sources who all whispered the same thing: The real estate drama for the allegedly (April issue, page 38) financially strapped socialite Veronica Hearst has yet to come to an end. The children will recall that the Widow Hearst recently endured a nasty, prolonged and public foreclosure on Villa Venezia, the pa-lay-shul 52-room Palm Beach spread she and her late huzband, newspaper heir Randolph A. Hearst, purchased for nearly $30,000,000 just a few months before Mister Hearst was called by life's Editor in Chief. (The property has since been reportedly purchased by filthy rich financier Franklin Haney.)

First, Your Mama heard the rumor from The Fifth Avenue Flap Jaw that the co-op board of Miz Hearst's dignified and limestone clad building at 4 East 66th Street was quietly encouraging Miz Hearst to even more quietly sell her large apartment before another foreclosure fracas presented itself that might shine the kleig lights of publicity on the other discreet and ridiculously rich residents of the dee-luxe building, or even worse, allow an unwanted buyer to swoop in and purchase the posh co-op at auction thereby skirting the usual, byzantine and sometimes humiliating hoops of co-op board approval. Property records show other residents in the swanky building include Pharmaceutical honcho Howard Soloman, hedge hog Daniel Nir and Deutsche Bank director Kevin Parker and his wife Ulla. Our high society snitch, The Social Butterfly, told us ages ago that Texas based billionaires Sid and Mercedes Bass also maintain a residence in the building.

Next we heard from someone we'll call Yelena Yaksitup who whispered to Your Mama that she heard an unsubstantiated rumor that the Widow Hearst's apartment had already been sold...for $31,000,000. Property records do not reveal a sale and we are somewhat skeptical if only because we're hard pressed to believe we'd get scuttlebutt this scandalous before the much more established real estate gossips in New York City. None the less, the $31,000,000 number does sound about what Your Mama would expect the (approx.) 8,000 square foot full floor co-op overlooking Central Park would fetch if it were to be sold.

After hearing what Yelena and Flap Jaw had to say, Your Mama got on the horn with The Social Butterfly who made a few discreet inquiries with some of her more hoity toity acquaintances and reported back that the ladees in Balmain suits who lunch at Swifty's and Michael's haven't heard a thing about this particular real estate rumor and doubt very seriously that Miz Hearst would give up her apartment unless she was dead or being dragged out kicking and screaming in all 7 of the languages she speaks.

Let's be real children. Despite that uglee foreclosure bizness in Florida, neither Your Mama nor anyone else besides Miz Hearst and her team of accountants and attorneys has any inkling about Miz Hearst's financial (in)stability or exposure. Just because it has been reported that she put up the Fifth Avneu apartment as collateral for the massive loans she took from New Stream Capital, the reality could easily be that Miz Hearst still has more money than Your Mama and most of the children...combined. Although it does take big buckets of bucks to live a life of private planes, couture lunching suits and multiple residences with outrageous tax and maintenance bills, just because she couldn't afford to keep Villa Venezia, does not automatically infer that she can't well afford to keep her Fifth Avenue digs and/or her 45 acre estate in New Castle, NY.

However, if the scuttlebutt is true and the Widow Hearst's bank accounts are gasping for air, Your Mama advises that the ladee either marry well, again, or sell her big ticket properties and pay cash for something small and chic at the Sherry Netherland and perhaps treat herself to a petite pied a terre in Paris. Who needs the nonsense of constant debt restructuring and refinancing not to mention public and private chatter among her couture clad crew just to be able to maintain the image of massive wealth? It just ain't worth it.

For those of the children that do not already know, Miz Hearst's decadent digs on Fifth Avenue were exquisitely done up and did over by (now deceased) Italian trompe l'oeil genius and master of interior decorating fakery Renzo Mongiardino, a man who could (and did) make cardboard look like butter soft and aged calf skin and then meticulously installed it in some of the finest homes in the world.

The photos above show Miz Hearst's Fifth Avenue crib and were shot sometime in 2007 for the large format fashion glossy V Magazine. In the article, Miz Hearst's gal about town in a good pair of shoos daughter Fabiola Beracasa is interviewed and featured in additional and fun photos inside mommy's lavish apartment slouching on spectacular and exceptionally upholstered red velvet brocade chairs as well as straddling an ancient stone horse while standing on a gilded commode. Good stuff, children, have a look-see for a glimpse of how the young and entitled in New York City get by.

And remember kids, for now this is just rumor and gossip...rumor and gossip.

America Ferrera: Bargain Betty

BUYER: America Ferrera
LOCATION: Rodgerton Drive, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $1,415,000
SIZE: 3,523 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Architectural 3500sf open floor plan with lofty vaulted ceilings. 3BR/3BA plus elegant powder room, family room, loft-style office. Fiberglass heated pool/spa. Entire house wired for sound. Thousands spent on upgrades. Million dollar views. Energy efficient windows. Newer roof. Lots of closets and storage space. Huge 2-car garage.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Unusually named and recently rocketed to boob tube fame actress America Ferrera plays a metal mouthed gurl dubbed Ugly Betty on T.V., but in real life, the wonderfully voluptuous and much more attractive in person Miss Ferrera is a bonified real estate Bargain Betty. Your Mama heard some time ago that Miss Ferrera and her boy beau had snatched up a new nest in the Hills above Hollywood, but at the time, our research and spider web of contacts came up empty handed.

That is, until two days ago when our aide-de-camp Lucy Spillerguts whispered the address in Your Mama's big ear. So we confirmed with Mirakle Mike, another pal who seems to know more about celebrity real estate than one person should, and we enlisted the assistance of our Fairy Godmother in the Hollywood Hills, and voila! Turns out that Miss Ferrera and her boy beau did indeed purchase house in the hills, a purple hill climber on a wickedly windy road just around the corner from the mildly Mediterranean style house that baby's butt smooth bodied Jessie Metcalfe recently unloaded for $1,495,000.

Property records show Miss Ferrera's new digs measure a modest 3,523 square feet with three bedrooms and a nicely proportional 3.5 bathrooms, including what listing information calls an "elegant powder room." Now children, dinner guest poopers can be clean, they can be spacious, they can be sleek and/or interesting. We'd go so far as to say one could even even be remarkably stylish. However, Your Mama is hard pressed to believe one can be "elegant." A Baccarat chandelier or something minimal from Moooi over the terlit might klass it up a little, but send it tumbling over the edge of elegance? Uhm, No. Your Mama declares this interior day-core rule #851: Itty bitty and often windowless rooms where guests (hopefully discreetly) do their durty bizness can only fail in their futile attempts to feign elegance.

Anyhoo, listing information for Miss Ferrera's purple palace also reveals the two story house (three if you include the garage level with parking for 2 cars) includes a living/dining room, family room, a large kitchen with breakfast area, a library/study, an office, a media room and a gym. Your Mama is breathless. That is a lot of damn rooms to be fitted into a 3,500 square foot house. We're not sure whether to applaud the architect for his/her crafty space planning ingenuity or to lay him/her over our lap and paddle their bare backside for stuffing a moose into a Mini Cooper.

The house appears to have originally been placed on the market with a $2,199,000 asking price. That number was later ka-rah-tay chopped all the way down to $1,498,000 before Miss Ferrera and her boy beau stepped in and snapped up the mauve mini-manse up for $1,415,000. Clearly Miss Ferrera waited patiently, played her cards correctly and nabbed herself a bit of a bargain...that is if you can call any house that resembles Barney a bargain at $1,415,000. And really children, who could blame her (or anyone else for that matter) for wanting this house a bargain price when you consider there's a fair amount of cosmetic work to be done which will surely keep Miss Ferrera's nice gay decorator hard at work on Miss Ferrera's Ugly Betty dime for quite some time to come?

Looking beyond all the bad choices in furniture–which exited the building with the sellers, of course–and the beige carpeting–which can be quickly and easily changed–Your Mama feels there are still a number of significant issues to be dealt with starting with that disturbing and giant mural of Mt. Fuji or some other Japanese countryside glaring out from the wall behind the fiberglass swimming pool. Jeezis, Mary and Joseph, whose bright idea was that? Unfortunately for Miss Ferrera, the pool will need to be drained in order to get that wacky wall issue worked out. With the high cost of water in Southern California that will be no small or inexpensive feat of decorating derring-do. However, hunnies, it must be done, no matter the cost.

Although we don't like it, the kitchen we can tolerate...it's big and looks like it has a nice view to stare at while scrubbing pots and pans. On the other hand, that cereal bowl for a sink sitting on that slab of speckled granite in the master bathroom is a serious interior design crime that we suggest Miss Ferrera deal with immediately before she feels the need to poke her own eyeballs out with the blunt end of her toothbrush.

Both Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter adore the large terrace with a lovely view over the tree tops. We think this could be an excellent spot to soak up some sun or sit under a large market umbrella reading Brontë novels and catching up on all the gossip glossies. We can appreciate that the previous owners needed something over the round openings in the wall–we have pooches we wouldn't want falling off the terrace, too–but certainly there is a more attractive but equally effective solution than stapling some cheap-ass chicken wire over the holes, right?

Now children, before you go crazy picking apart the island in the kitchen or the strange drapery in the living room, please remember that the day-core you're looking at in the pictures, fortunately, no longer exists in the house. So let's all have a moment of silence in an effort to telepathically command Miss Ferrera and her boy beau to spend a few bucks sprinkling some serious interior day-core fairy dust on the roof, in the corners and behind the refrigerator.

Your Mama would like to offer Miss Ferrera (and her boy beau) many congratulations on buying her first home (we're pretty sure this is her first purchase), and we sincerely hope that once the kinks are worked out, this house will prove to be a happy respite from her busy work life.

Tom Freston's New York City Ka-ching!

SELLER: Tom Freston
LOCATION: East 66th Street, New York, NY
PRICE: $38,500,000
SIZE: 4 bedrooms (+ 2 staff rooms), 6 full and 3 half bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: ...Standing six and a half storied with an elevator, this house abounds with exceptional finishes and extraordinary architectural detail. From the elegant entry gallery to the luxurious rooftop terrace, the house epitomizes luxury living. It features a master floor plus three additional master bedrooms, a wonder library, living room, dining room, chef's kitchen, staff suite, gym and seven wood burning fireplaces...

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: New York's favorite bewigged pop artist and self styled superstar Andy Warhol epitomized and documented that brazilliant brand of New York City swank where the high meets low and where Nobodies can be Somebodies and Somebodies can be Nobodies; Where well bred Lee Radziwell types cozied up to a heroin addict hookers on booze soaked sofas at Studio 54 and the Park Avenue socialites like Edie Sedgwick eagerly passed through the gates of The Factory where the iconic and not always well understood artist and his cadre of orphans and misfits turned the art world on its tinfoil lined and Duchampian ear.

In the process of turning outsiders into the ultimate art world insiders Mister Warhol got rich. Or sorta rich anyway, and in 1974 the white haired wonder scooped up this six and a half floor townhouse between Madison and Park Avenues on elegant East 66th street for just $310,000. After Mister Warhol went to meet the great silk screener in the sky in 1987, property records show the house remained part of his estate until it was sold in 1991 for $3,000,000 to a fashionable Spanish ladee named Elena Benaroch who kept the house until the year 2000 when she sold it on to former Viacom bigwig Tom Freston for $6,500,000.

Listing information indicates that Mister Freston renovated the house with a meticulous attention to detail. The floor plan porn reveals that guests are greeted in a guaranteed to impress 47 foot long reception hall that features a long row of book cases and one of the seven wood burning fireplaces. Although a lovely and dignified stair case serves all the main floors of the house, Your Mama could not be more pleased to see an elevator that lifts and descends to five of the six floors because we are 100% certain the steps and landings would be sticky with gin and lime juice if we had to do all that stair climbing while attempting to balance a prodigious platter of sausage and booze all the way from the kitchen to the teeny terrace off the library with it's lurid but appropriate red velvet sofas.

The master bedroom includes two bathrooms and occupies the entire third floor, a fine set up for fornicating when guests are in residence. However, we're not thrilled that the master (and/or mistress) of the house is required to cross a public hall to get to the main bathroom and both of the respectably sized walk in closets. Fortunately, the architect was thoughful enough to include a bathroom attached directly to the bedroom because who wants to be eyeballed on the way to the terlit in their morning all together by their household staff or, even worse, their children?

Speaking of children and/or guest, they're well provided for in three additional bedrooms on the fourth and fifth floors, each with a private pooper. Also on the fifth floor a generous staff suite includes a small sitting room and kitchenette as well as an actual bathroom as opposed to one of those dreadful cave like water closets that are too often seen in the staff rooms of the super rich.

The tippy top of the house features a good sized home gym, a lovely feature if you like sweating to the oldies in your own home...which Your Mama does not. We prefer not to sweat to the oldies anywhere, but certainly not in our own home. We'd have preferred to see a full bath up here with a steam room (we do like a steam after all), but alas. The sixth floor is completed by a decent sized roof terrace, a feature that Your Mama finds enviable and priceless. In the tight confines of New York City, having a small slice of outdoor space like this can help save the sanity as well as provide an excellent spot for our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly to sun bathe.

Mister Freston has listed his modest sized townhouse with a not so modest $38,500,000 asking price. If we're being honest, and Your Mama always is, we think the price is a wee bit optimistic. However, what do we know? And besides, Mister Freston has hired two of the top real estate pushers at Corcoran who are certainly no strangers to persuading buyers to cough up the major moolah for prime properties like this one.

Before Your Mama heads out to focus on some paying bizness, let's get out our bejeweled abacus children because it is not the sweetly turned spindles on the staircase or the 9 terlits that have our mouth hanging open like the Lincoln Tunnel, it's the ginormous profit Mister Freston stands to make when he unloads this high priced pile of bricks. Okay, the man paid six and half million smackers and let's say he spent a generous $15,000,000 in renovations (we have NO idea what he spent so don't any of you wackos quote Your Mama on that). That would put the Hollywood honcho into the place for just over twenty million clams which means that minus the humongous real estate fees he stands to pocket a significant $10-$15,000,000 profit for his eight years and renovation headaches. Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter would welcome those sort of headaches for that kind of return, thank you very much.

Property records show that Mister Freston owns several other properties including a 7,351 square foot home in the same swanky section of the Bev Hills where several other big names also bunk including music exec Guy Oseary. Fading blond bomber Jessica Simpson currently owns a house in Mister Freston's neighborhood that was formerly owned by Tom Freston (who sold it to house hopper Ellen Degeneres in 2001) and sits right next door to the home of soon to be dee-vorced Baby Phat fierceness and bling queen Kimora Lee Simmons.

Source: NY Post

UPDATE: Isaiah Washington

Mister Big Time recently reported that big ego Bionic Woman ack-tor Isaiah Washington sold his Hancock Park adjacent condominium for $1,500,000. The condo, located in the dee-luxe French Provincial style Faubourg St. Denis on N. Sycamore Avenue, had been listed at $1,695,000. Your Mama discussed the dark floored and white walled 4 bedroom condo way back in July of 2007 when it first arrived on the market in the after math of Mister Washington's infamous dust up and smack down at hospital drama juggernaut Grey's Anatomy. Remember that gossip glossy and tabloid T.V. extravaganza? Jeezis H. Christ, Your Mama is so glad that one is over and done with because that real life brouhaha had us sucking on a bottle of gin morning, noon and night.

Anyhoo, the $64,000 real estate question now is where will Mister and Missus Washington live now that they've shed their Hancock Park crib? Well, as Mister Big Time noted and property records confirm, the Washingtons do own a 4,653 square foot house in Houston, TX and perhaps they'll be shacked up there at least some of the time. However, Your Mama hears from our wickedly well informed wunderkind Lucy Spillerguts that the couple will not be giving up a residential stake in Los Angles and are moving into a freshly built digs overlooking the Sherman Canal in Venice. It's unclear to Your Mama if Mister Washington is buying or renting.

Which means, of course, that in the wacky world of Los Angeles architecture, Mister Washington and the fam are moving from faux France to imitation Italy.

Ken Paves Heads For the Hills of Beverly

BUYER: Ken Paves
LOCATION: Mulholland Drive, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $1,965,000
SIZE: 2,762 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Perched on top of a ridge along prestigious Mulholland Drive sits this elegant Cape Cod Contemporary designed by Robert Byrd. Flooded w/ natural light & surrounded by breathtaking views, this home has been renovated w/ the finest attention to detail. The large split-level LR is perfect for entertaining w/ vaulted ceilings, wet bar & FR doors that open to an expansive deck. Other features: 3 en-suite BRs, 4 fireplaces, brand new kitchen & baths & parking for 11 cars.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Last week while Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter whittled away the hours on sunbeds reading Vanity Fair–the one by William Makepeace Thackeray, thank you very much–and staring out at the azure waters of the Atlantic Ocean, outgoing celebrity real estate high priestess Ruth Ryon penned the last of her 1,300+ Hot Properties columns for the Los Angeles Times. The third and most interesting item in the column, tucked down at the bottom, was a bit of bizness about celebrity hair honcho Ken Paves purchasing Robert Byrd designed digs perched high on a ridge in the Hills of Beverly.

Most of you children will know Mister Ken Paves (pronounced PAY-ves) as Jessica Simpson's hair dresser and constant companion, always at the ready with a ratting comb and a battery operated set of hot rollers. But don't be fooled by what you see in the gossip glossies, because working Miss Simpson's weaves is hardly all that Miss Paves does to earn his coin. The man has also curled, colored, cut and twisted the tresses of leading ladees such as Jennifer Lopez, Jessica Alba, Alicia Silverstone, Avril "The Spitter" Lavigne, Lucy Liu, Mila Jovovich, Eva Longoria, Ashlee Simpson (natch), Kiki Dunst and many more. In addition to his eponymous salons in Bev Hills and his hometown of Clinton Township, MI, he and his gal pal Miss Simpson also hawk a line of clip in hair extensions which give all the thin haired bee-hawtchas in places like Indiana and Mississippi the opportunity to cheaply get hair as shining, gleaming, streaming, flaxen and waxen as all the haired-up hotties in Hollywood with a famous (and expensive) hairdresser in their entourage.

Anyhoo, after reading Miz Ryon's report, Your Mama went a searching on the internets and with the help of Madam Beezneez discovered that He of the Heavily Processed Hair forked over $1,965,000 for a cute little Cape Cod style house that sits up a private road above Mulholland Drive. Property records and listing information reveal the somewhat rustic feeling residence measures a deliciously modest 2,762 square feet with 3 bedrooms and 3.5 bathrooms. Each of the bedrooms features its own private pooper which Your Mama is certain all Miss PAY-ves' hair hopping gurlfriends will appreciate after a long and exhausting evening of braiding each others' hair and clowning around clipping in kooky hair extensions.

Other notable amenities include off street parking for 11 spit shined and fiercely detailed automobiles (11!) including a three car garage, four wood burning fireplaces, a gigantic split level living room for entertaining the well coiffured troops, a dining room, den, vaulted ceilings everywhere including some of the bathrooms, and long stunning views out both the front of the house (towards Bev Hills) and the back (over the San Fernando Valley).

But it's really the outdoor spaces that for Your Mama make this house something delightful and desirable. There are porches and wrap around decks, patios and lush lawns, terraces and trellised sitting areas. There is not, however, a swimming pool. Your Mama hopes with all our might and muster that Mister PAY-ves will have a wee one installed even if he'd seldom run the risk of turning his faux blond locks green from the chlorine. We're also kinda hoping Mister PAY-ves will get rid of that statue problem at the front of the house. That might have been charming in the 1940s but not so much in the 2000s.

Your Mama isn't quite sure where Mister PAY-ves has been livin' lately, but records do show that in December of 2003 he sold a 1,760 square foot house on Beldon Drive for $875,000. Looks like Mister Paves has upped his real estate game since then.

LATER SAME DAY: Turns out there isn't any kind of an accent on Mister Paves name, so we've removed it because the least we can do is spell these people's names correctly, right?

UPDATE: Sidney Kimmel

By now all the children should all be well acquainted with the tremendous Thierry Despont designed digs in posh Palm Beach that mid-priced ladees apparel titan and movie producer Sidney Kimmel (The Kite Runner) foisted on to the market in April of 2008 with a spine tingling $81,500,000 asking price.

Well, kids, in less than one month, the 32,316 square foot limestone pile has been sold...for full price. Yes children you read that correctly. Sold. For. Full. Price. That ought to scare the livin' daylights out of all the folks fretting and fussing about the widening gap between the merely rich and the ridiculously rich.

Your Mama hears–and reports say–there were several financially qualified and interested parties who made offers on the sprawling 5.9 acre ocean front property which was reportedly scooped up by a fifty-something year old dude named John L. Thornton. Unless you follow the shocking shenanigans on Wall Street or consider yourself a bit of a policy wonk you'd be forgiven for not knowing who Mister Thornton is or why he's got so much damn money to spend on a place in Palm Beach that is unlikely to be his full time residence.

Once upon a time Mister Thornton was the president of glitzy Goldman Sachs, and all the children know that no matter what the economy is doing, the moolah is mountainous at the upper echelons of big name investment banks like Goldman Sachs. Mister Thornton now serves as the chairman of the Brookings Institution, a non-partisan and very powerful public policy think tank in Washington D.C. which has a reputation for being a little more lefty than righty. According to the Palm Beach Post Mister Thornton also serves as a director of Intel Corporation, Ford Motor Company, and Rupert Murdoch's News Corporation, an impressive resume to be sure. That is if you're impressed by these sorts of associations.

This is not the first time Mister Thornton has dabbled in the high priced real estate game. In 2001, Mister Thornton reportedly paid more than $18,000,000 for a 118 acre estate in Bedminster, New Jersey (property records indicate a purchase price of $19,366,779), and it appears that he and his wifey also own a house on Chester Square in London's swank Belgravia district, which happens to the same nabe where former Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher makes a home as well as Russian oligarch Roman Abramovich...although Mister Abramovich owns so many homes it's difficult to know if he actually lives in Belgravia or simply puts furniture in a house there. Anyhoo, Your Mama presumes that Mister and Missus Thornton also own cribs in New York City and Washington D.C., however we could find no records to confirm that so don't anyone repeat that like it's some sort of truth.

In other high priced Palm Beach real estate news, the Palm Beach Daily News and the Wall Street Journal recently reported that Venezuelan banker Victor Vargas has entered a contract to fork over "about $70,000,000" for a 30,206 square foot Peter Marino designed Polynesian-style paradise owned by billionaire art collectors George and Frayda Lindemann. The 3.7 acre Lindemann property happens to sit right next door to the $81,500,000 Kimmel/Thornton estate. Mister and Missus Lindemann's house was not on the market, but apparently Señor Vargas' people presented an offer To the Lindemann's people they could not refuse. Who can blame them? Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter would not refuse "about $70,000,000" for our little beach hut either.

The Wall Street Journal is also reporting that the musty looking Addison Mizner designed Palm Beach estate owned by the estate of Cheng Ching Wang, dress designer Vera Wang's deceased daddy, has went to contract soon after the asking price was reduced from $23,000,000 to $19,000,000. This is all, of course, on the heels of real estate tycoon Lloyd Goldman picking up the spectacular Howard Gittis estate for $22,450,000 just six weeks after it hit the market with a $23,500,000 asking price.

So while the market tumbles in most parts of the good ol' U-nited States of America, it remains white hot in the highest price points of Palm Beach. Food for thought.

Are 26 Terlits Too Many?

Oh dear. There are some angry rich people up in the hoity toity back country of staid and stately Greenwich, C.T. Apparently some rich ladee, identified by the local press as Olga Kogan, wants to tear down a huge house and build an even bigger one with 26 damn terlits. Do the children know how many full time gurls it requires to keep 26 terlits sparkling clean? That's right puppies, that's a lot of damn gurls getting paid the minimum wage to work a terlit brush 8 hours a day.

According to property records, this Kogan ladee bought the Simmons Lane property in August of 2005 for an impressive $18,500,000. Records show the sprawling house that currently sits on the 7.05 acre estate was built in 1924 and measures in at a not exactly tiny 19,096 square feet with 7 bedrooms and 12 terlits located in 8 full and 4 half bathrooms.

So the place is already big and full of crappers. However, Miz Kogan, evidently a residential real estate size queen, wants bigger and more. Reports say the vaguely Greek Revival style behemoth planned for the site would exceed 30,000 square feet and include 8 bedrooms, a gym, lockers, a home theater, wine cellar, game room, billiard room, underground garage space, staff quarters and, of course, all 26 of them terlits, some of which are located within spacious Turkish and Finnish bathing facilities.

As you might expect, an attorney for the mysterious and terlit luvin' Miz Kogan indicated the proposed plan is in compliance with town rules and regs regarding setbacks and footprint sizing. However, local residents remain deeply concerned that a house with 26 terlits might suggest that more than one family will reside in the house...a no-no in this neighborhood of posh single family homes on multi-acre parcels. The owner's attorney poo-poos that suggestion and is quoted in the above linked Greenwich Time article saying, "It's the way people who can afford it like to live."

If Your Mama had to guess how this will get resolved, and we are only guessing children, we imagine that Miz Kogan will have to shave the number of planned terlits to less than 26 and the not very happy neighbors will have to accept more poopers in the 'hood than they prefer. C'est la vie, puppies.

The people at CNN ran a little report on the fracas last night which can be viewed online and includes renderings of the proposed home that looks a mite too much like the White House for Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter's personal architectural taste.

What do the children think, is 26 too many?

Kelly Clarkson Goes Country

BUYER: Kelly Clarkson
LOCATION: Westview Avenue, Nashville, TN
PRICE: $1,490,000 (sale)
SIZE: 5,470 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: One of a kind stone home updated w/ fabulous additions. 5 br / 5 full ba. Open kitchen to den w/ large breakfast room at heart of the home. You will love the screened porch w/ stone fp + stone terraces. Great level treed lot. 9' ceilings. 3 car garage.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Your Mama is reaching back into our archives on this one children and we do not want to hear any sassin' or fussin' from any of you mouthy children about how this is old news. Too bad. If you already know all about it then go read a damn newspaper and get educated about an issue or two that really matters or if that's too heady and depressing for y'all go see the gorgeous gurls at Go Fug Yourself and read all about our favorite fashionista Mary Kate Olsen's daring and creative clothing choices. For those of you that are interested, let's talk about former American Idol winner Kelly Clarkson and the Nashville nest she purchased last August.

Back in early February, Mister Big Time inquired of the world at large about who the buyer of this particular house on Nashville's Westview Avenue might be. Your Mama has chosen to answer Mister Big's call and dig up the information now because little Miss Clarkson's name is back on the tip of every one's tongue again as she'll be singing her little heart out for the pope while the Catholic emissary of Christ tours the Eastern Seaboard like a wild and caged animal in that freaky looking modified Mercedes of his.

Anyhoo, as it turns out, at least according to Your Mama's well connected man on the ground in Nashville, it was Miss Clarkson who forked over $1,490,000 to purchase a modest and not very exciting 5 bedroom and 5 bathroom stone home in the Belle Meade neighborhood. Now children, Your Mama confesses that we know little about the real estate landscape in Nashville, be we do understand from people who would know that Belle Meade is considered one of the finer residential locales Music City.

Since the photos show the interior day-core choices of the non-celebrity seller and not that of young and unlucky in love Miss Clarkson, Your Mama will not be discussing the uninspired furniture, the questionable paint choices, the upsetting silver Grecian drapery in the living room or the vertigo inducing area rug in the family room.

We will however mention that wee room with the wood paneling and red chairs that looks like a card room at a somewhat upscale Elk's Lodge in Florida. We love it...and we are not going to apologize for loving it either. Remove the kooky ottoman, replace the pictures with something a little bit abstract and colorful, donate the floor lamp to the local thrift shop and hang a simple and small but modern pendant over the table and voila! you have an instant and cozy corner worthy of working a 5,000 piece puzzle or settling into for blisteringly competitive and gin fueled Friday night cribbage tournaments.

We're also rather fond of the stone floored screened porch which features a fireplace for taking the edge of those spring and fall evenings. Your Mama can imagine tucking up into the space on a buggy afternoon with a stack of gossip glossies and a pair of scissors to cut out all the fun stuff to use in our hobby of making celebrity filled collage vignettes.

Your Mama really hopes that Miss Clarkson knows a nice gay decorator down in Nashville who can help her work this large but ordinary house into something worthy of a young musician struggling for some longevity in a career that hit the ground like a racehorse but has lately been a bit less than white hot. If we're being honest, and we always are, we're not big fans of Miss Clarkson's music, but we do have an unexpected soft spot for her in our cold and dark heart so Your Mama sincerely wishes her continued success and have our fingers crossed that we do not see her star frizzle out and die a slow painful death. Shall we pray on that kids or should we just let the pope take care of that?

We're not certain where else Miss Clarkson owns property, but somewhere in the recesses of our blurry mind we recall that the gurl lives in a big house on a 50 acre ranch south of Fort Worth. Anyone?

Getting Ready for the Astor Duplex Debut

No doubt all the New York City real estate gossips will be staying awake day and night for the next week or so on a disastrous diet of Provigil and pepperoni pizza waiting to pounce on the pictures and floor plans of the legendary and soon to be listed duplex of deceased high society doyenne Brooke Astor.

After interviewing five of the Big Apple's top property pushers, Miz Astor's much maligned and not always well spoken of son Anthony Marshall and his wifey Charlene have selected a gal named Leighton Candler to list the 14-room co-op at swish 778 Park Avenue with a rumored and reported $46,000,000 asking price. That may sound like a lot of money to some of the children, but Your Mama would not be the least bit surprised if this highly desired and much anticipated apartment sells quickly and with multiple offers. The real estate market may be gimping and tumbling in some parts of the U-nited States of America, but not at the very high end of Manhattan's real estate whirligig where massive amounts of moolah change hands as frequently as people passed LSD laced doobies at Woodstock.

If anyone were to ask Your Mama, which of course no one did, the well bred blond Miz Candler–of the Coca Cola Candlers, of course–is an excellent choice to represent the dignified duplex. Not only does the ladee weave through the vicious world of Upper East Side real estate with grace and great aplomb, she also works some of the finest addresses in Manhattan having sold lavish spreads at atrociously expensive 740 Park Avenue as well as high priced 1040 Fifth Avenue where she recently sold hedge hog Scott Bommer's full floor digs as well as Jackie-O's former pad.

Along with the celebrated and oft photographed red lacquered library, the Astor duplex sprawls across part of the 15th floor and the entire 16th floor of the Rosario Candela designed apartment house and features 4 bedrooms (all en suite, natch), 5 fireplaces and an electrifying six terraces. The New York Post quotes a broker who has been in the apartment as saying, "The apartment is in very good original condition." Which means, of course, that it's well taken care of but terribly dated and the new owner will likely replace every sink, terlit and kitchen appliance in a major renovation.

Your Mama is simply too old to survive for more than a day or two without sleep, but we'll certainly try to bring the children the duplex's delicious bizness as soon after it hits the open market as we can. In the meantime delight in a few pix that New York Magazine has put out there of the Albert Hadley designed interiors for all the children to drool and ogle over.

photo: City Realty

A Little Mish Mash to Get Our Feet Wet

Our rusty but very tan fingers are going to start with a little mish mash to get the brain waves working and to catch up on some of the celebrity real estate activity that went on while Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter spent a few days baking our naughty bits on the beach.

1.
All the tabs, blogs and gossip glossies are starting to chatter about marital advice giving talk show titan Dr. Phil McGraw and his wifey of 31 years being headed for the court of dee-vorce. Uh oh. Your Mama doesn't know whether there is any truth to that rumor or not, but it might explain why they've quietly put their big ass Bev Hills mansion on the market.

Your Mama discussed the palatial property before we left on our vay-kay, but at the time were ignorant as to how much moolah the McGraws want for their exuberantly decorated 11,036 square foot Mediterranean manse on Lexington Road. While we were away, the always well informed and sharp tongued Kenny Kissentell whispered in Your Mama's big ear that the McGraws will entertain to offers in the $16-18,000,000 range, but that's still gossip and rumor at this point kids.

That number certainly makes sense when you consider that really rich real estate broker Kurt Rappaport recently forked over $15,990,000 for his new Bev Hills behemoth on nearby N. Crescent Drive.

2.
We hear from A Boy Named Sue that the wickedly and wonderfully strange (and well endowed) actor/artist/gadabout Vincent Gallo has finally found a mid century modern en-thu-zee-ast to cough up the kaching for his much ballyhooed John Lautner designed tour de force on Hedges Place. If the children put on their thinking caps they'll recall that Mister Gallo put the so-called "Wolff House" on the market in May of 2007 with a bold and brazen $5,995,000 asking price that had many of LA's architectural connoisseurs scoffing and gasping at what they thought was a rather exorbitant asking price. Mister Gallo later lowered the asking price to $5,795,000 which did little to quell the modernist masses but did get the house into contract.

At this point, we're not certain of the selling price although we were told it was in excess of $5,000,000. We'll see.

3.
While on the topic of louche and lovely Lautner designed digs, let's briefly discuss the one that LA based nightlife impresario Brent Bolthouse has recently put up for lease (pictured above). Located on curvy swervy Multiview Drive high in the hills of Hollywood, the 2 bedroom and 2 bathroom house was built in 1947 and is generally referred to as the "Polin House." The spectacular and meticulously renovated work of architectural art sits up a long drive nearly unseen from the street, so it's the perfect retreat for a privacy seeking celeb with a $10,000 a month rent budget.

Your Mama thinks that if thrice rehabbed party princess Lindsay Lohan had any sense or money, she would lease this place and spend a considerable amount of time quietly sitting on the back terrace staring into the treetops contemplating what steps she ought to take in order to get her acting career back on track rather than make some silly and embarrassing effort at selling leggings. Leggings? Come on!

4.
Getting her $13,000 Balenciaga bag swiped while staying in at the swanky (and pooch friendly) SoHo Grand Hotel in New York City last year seems to have encouraged Kirsten Dunst to purchase more secure digs of her own. According to Hollyscoop and about a million other fan sites, the also recently rehabbed Miss Kiki spent around $3,000,000 for a three bedroom penthouse apartment over looking the mighty Hudson River. As of today, details are slim. We don't even know where the building behawtcha bought into is located, but we'll look into it when we've got the time and inclination.

5.
The newly crowned Hot Properties queen Ann Brenoff at the LA Times wrote her first mid-week scoop about the 25 acre ranch in Carpinteria that the governator Arnold Schwarzenegger recently purchased. For those of you not familiar with coast Calee-for-ny-ay, Carpinteria is located just east of swish and swanky Montecito–home to Oprah Winfrey's $40,000,000 paean to private wealth–and once upon a time a low key and blue collar beach town that drew a lot of visitors from the San Joaquin Valley. That is until the California real estate markets went berserk and drove the price of any piece of property even close the ocean into the stratosphere. So Carpinteria ain't so cheap or blue collar anymore.

Anyhoo, Mister Republican governor and his Democrat wifey Maria Shriver plunked down around $4,700,000 for their spread in a posh and rural enclave of 25 home sites carved from the historic Rancho Monte Alegre in the foothills of the Santa Ynez mountains.

As noted by Miz Brenoff, there are all sorts of rules and regs for the style and size of homes that can be constructed and it appears that the Schwarzenegger/Shrivers will be required to build something larger than 4,500 square feet, but smaller than 8,500. That is if they build at all. Could be they're just parking some cash as an investment. Your Mama guesses it won't be long before the politicos will be able to turn their 25 acres at a substantial profit.

6.
We hear from The Social Butterfly, our uptown amigo who flits among some of New York's richest and most cultured residents, that the Southampton real estate rumor mill is still churning over reports that professional golfer Tiger Woods forked over $65,000,000 for a prime piece property on Gin Lane.

Madam Butterfly says that in certain Southampton circles the sordid scuttlebutt is that the really rich Woods' (allegedly) spent so much money on the Gin Line spread because the Missus Woods is "ambitious," a real Rebecca Thatcher type, if the children will allow Your Mama that literary stereotype. Your Mama does not need to tell the children that in the rarefied and old school social world of Southampton, "ambitious" is not a compliment. No siree bob.

Your Mama knows not a thing about whether the Woods' did or did not buy the gigantic 5.9 ocean front spread and we know even less about whether Miss Woods is socially ambitious or not (we suspect not), but what we do know is that while Mister Woods' people say nay, Mister Braden Keil and the bigwigs at the NY Post are sticking to their story.

Stay tuned for more...

While Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter...

...sun our buns, we continue to read the newspaper and ran across this little tidbit in the New York Times that will work the last nerve of the less financially fortunate as well as all the Chicken Littles among the children.

Have fun babies. Your Mama will be back to the grindstone on Wednesday afternoon.

Your Mama is Going on Vacation...

Listen children, we hate to leave y'all in a state of celebrity real estate panic and withdrawl, but we have been working our fingers to the nubbins and wearing out the wheels of our Rolodex and during the last few weeks our poor gin soaked mind has melted into simpering puddle of mush.

So last night Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter booked ourselves some last minute and first class airline tickets to a warm and sunny destination where we plan on doing little besides play tennis, eat big salads at our favorite outdoor eatery and lay around in the nood sunning our naughty bits on our rented terrace.

We may drop in for a visit and float an item or two while away, but Your Mama does not plan on hanging around here and discussing anything celebrity related until the middle of next week. So get yourself a nice big bottle of Bombay Sapphire to ease the pain, keep your lips zipped and do not even think about giving Your Mama any grief or sass about our being a-way.

Your Mama has well earned a weeks damn vacation, and ev-er-ee one of you children know it.

Before we go, we do recommend you peruse this inneresting article in the pink papered New York Observer about the 9 most difficult co-op boards in New York City. Fascinating stuff.

Discuss.

photo: PlanetWare.com

Curtis Schilling Pitches His House on to the Market

SELLER: Curtis and Shonda Schilling
LOCATION: Woodridge Road, Medfield, MA
PRICE: $8,000,000
SIZE: 7,981 square feet, 7 bedrooms, 6 full and 2 half bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: The three story residence is showcased by formal public rooms, family living space, a gourmet kitchen with family room, a home theatre. The gated entry leads to a private drive. The grounds of 25+ acres include a heated swimming pool, an all sports court (tennis, basketball, ice skating rink/seasonal) and a professional batting cage. Two walk up attics.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: As most of the children well know, Your Mama is not much a sports fan and we can not even begin to explain the difference between the Red Sox or the White Sox without the help of Blackle and/or an assist by our ball crazy buddy Fiona Trambeau, a trampy and boozy gal with a serious and somewhat embarrassing fetish for professional sportsmen. However, thanks to a blabbermouth we'll call the Boston Brahman we do know that Boston Red Sox starting pitcher Curt Schilling and his wifey Shonda have recently put their Medfield, Mass. mansion on the market with an $8,000,000 asking price.

Property records show that in January of 2004 the two time World Series winning mound man purchased the 25.99 acre estate tucked down a very long drive and in the woods southwest of Boston from Drew Bledsoe, another big name professional sports star Your Mama has never heard of and knows not a thing about. Records reveal that Mister and Missus Schilling forked over an even-steven $4,500,000 for the three story and 7,981 square foot sprawler that includes another 4,181 square feet in the finished basement level.

In addition to that swirling circular stair case that spans three floors and gives Your Mama the head spins worse than a giant pitcher of cheap gin and no brand tonic, the the uber traditional residence, which listing information labels as Colonial, includes formal public rooms and ample family quarters with 7 bedrooms and 6 full and 2 half baths. The house is also well stocked for entertaining family and friends with plenty of parking, a large and comfortable looking home thee-ay-ter, large decks extending from the back of the house towards a free form heated swimming pool, a professional batting cage, natch, and a tennis court that is somehow able to do triple duty as a basketball court and an ice skating rink in the winter. Listing information also shows there are four fireplaces and an attached 8-car garage, plenty of room for a fleet of those horrid ATV things and perfect for someone like Your Mama's Daddy who is a classic car enthu-zee-ast.

If we're being honest, and we always are, Your Mama is not a fan of this particular brand of bland interior day-core where mirrors and clocks substitute for real art. We have a nervous reaction to burgundy velvet sofas riding astride beige wall to wall carpeting, and while we know the color red is supposed to stimulate the appetite, we feel strongly that a red walled dining room is simply a tie-erd cliché. Surely there are other more clever ways to work red into a dining room than slathering the walls with blood colored paint. And let's not even discuss the dining room set or the chandelier that is hung too close to the ceiling. The large gore-may kitchen is also not to our particular taste and we're frightened by the faux greenery tucked into the island cabinet, but we do think a large open plan space like this would work very well for a large family with young children and can imagine that those who like traditional homes and day-core will swoon over this family friendly kitchen.

We haven't a clue why Mister and Missus Schilling would sell this place and move on considering this would seem to be an excellent spot to raise up their four youngsters according to their religious and right leaning Republican views. But they are. Maybe they want something even larger? Maybe they want something smaller? Or maybe it has something to do with Mister Schilling professional team affiliations? Who knows?

Richard Gere Flips Out at the Chupi

SELLER: Richard Gere and Carey Lowell
LOCATION: West 11th Street, New York City, NY
PRICE: $17,995,000
SIZE: 4 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: This truly one-of-a kind residence was conceived and crafted by artist/filmmaker Julian Schnabel. Inspired by American architects Addison Mizner and Stanford White, Schnabel crated the apartment to feel like Venice in Manhattan. Room proportions are grand, ceilings are 12'6:+- high, light streams in from all directions and there are huge french doors in every room leading to terraces with Hudson River views. A large wood burning fireplace exists in the living room and there is a covered 66'+- colonnade running along the entire north side of the apartment. Drama abounds. Amenities include parking, elevator, air conditioning, pool and 24-hour doorman.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Oh dear. Drama does indeed abound. The children will recall that in September of 2007 Mister Gere snatched up a four bedroom and 4 bathroom apartment in the fecund and florid real estate fantasy land that is artist and filmmaker Julian Schnabel's Palazzo Chupi on West 11th Street in New York City's far West Village.

Turns out thoough that the Dalai Lama luvin' actor is flipping his Chupilicious crib even before moving into the full floor unit for which he forked over $12,000,000 in September of 2007. Your Mama imagines that bearded and oft be-robed bon vivant Julian Schnabel must be at least a little bit p.o'd.

That is unless the whole purchase thing was a publicity stunt from the get go. What? Say it isn't so! We know nothing about nuthin' kids, but we also never underestimate an artist with the vast (self) promotion talents that Mister Schnabel possesses. And, let's get real folks, who wouldn't jump the chance to turn twelve million bucks into 18 in 6 short months?

What's most interesting to Your Mama about Mister Gere's flip is that the asking price is only $17,795,000. Yes, of course, this number represents a gigantic increase over what Mister Gere paid just six months ago, but it's also substantially lower than the mind boggling number Mister Schnabel has attached to the other two available units (a duplex and a triplex penthouse), now priced at a rather optimistic $32,000,000 apiece.

As was noted by the fine folks at Curbed, Mister Gere may not have moved in, but he did make some aesthetic alterations to the unit including changing the color of the kitchen cabinets from cat vomit green to a much more tolerable black.

With Mister Gere and Miz Lowell opting out of the Chupi, that leaves only Mister Schnabel and some rich dude from Credit Suisse living in the pink and pretty building that listing information indicates includes such hyper luxe amenities as a private residents only pool, on-site private parking, and a 24-hour doorman, a particularly dee-luxe feature in a building with only five apartments.

Your Mama doesn't really care if Mister Gere or any other famous person wants to cough up the big bucks to live at the Chupi or not. We still think it's a fantastical folly that gleefully and rebelliously flips the architectural bird at all the super sleek glass curtain towers that have been and are still being erected on every postage stamp sized lot in the West Village. Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter would happily park our fleet of BMWs in the garage and move our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly into the duplex, but Mister Schnabel willhave to come down off that blistering $32,000,000 asking price a wee bit 'cause while we lurv the kooky and quirky architectural cotton candy that is the Palazzo Chupi, we ain't crazy.

A Little Morning Mish Mash

Your Mama has been swamped and ka-razy short on time so we're going to take advantage of this quiet morning to catch up on some of the items we've not previously had a chance to discuss. If y'all already know some or all of this real estate bizness, well then don't read it. And don't complain. We do not want to hear it. We're doing the best we can at a time when we've got more to do than there are hours in the day. Besides, we got some good stuff to serve up for you later.

1.
Looks like television writer and producer Mark Brazill (That 70s Show, 3rd Rock from the Sun) is already selling the lovely Los Feliz residence he purchased in April of 2007 for $4,795,000 from the always meticulously groomed pop super star Gwen Stefani and her meretricious musician huzband Gavin Rossdale. Mister Brazill, a man arguably best known by the general public for his frightening email exchanges with film and television writer Judd Apatow, recently dropped the 5 bedroom and 4 bathroom stunner on Aberdeen Drive back on the market for $4,885,000, an asking price which pretty much guarantees that once all the taxes and big fat real estate fees are paid, the bombastic Brazill will be losing major money on this real estate folly.

Mister Brazill also had a Toluca Lake property on the market late last year for $3,900,000. Property records reveal that house was sold in February of 2008 for $2,850,000, a somewhat shocking million clams less than he was hoping to get, a situation that Your Mama hopes did not lead a barrage of potty mouth and deeply disturbing emails to real estate agents and attorneys.

2.
Thank Jeezis or Krishna or whatever darned diety you bow down to that funny actress and new mommy Jaime Pressly, who so lovingly and soo-blimely plays an angry, addled and gum snapping piece of trailer trash on My Name is Earl, may have finally got her Buddha filled digs in Tarzana sold.

After nearly a year of fussing, fretting and a major karate chop to the asking price (from $1,499,000 to $1,299,000), listing information for the 2,955 square foot Rosita Street house is currently marked "Looking for a Back Up" which usually indicates the house has gone into escrow. Yippee! Your Mama asks all the children cross their fingers and toes in an effort to send positive vibes towards keeping this deal stuck together so that babalicious behawtcha can get all them Buddha statues loaded up and moved on.

Blondie and her baby daddy, DJ Eric Cubiche, have already forked over $2,250,000 for a large, generic and newly built Mediterranean-ish style mansion on Woodcliff Road in Sherman Oaks which must make the desire to sell the Rosita Street house even more intense.

3.
Who doesn't love Shannen Doherty with her Picasso worthy face and colorful off-set antics? The dark haired and sometimes temperamental Miss Doherty shot to the pinnacle of boob toob fame as bitchy Brenda Walsh on Beverly Hills 90210, then went on to three years as a good witch on Charmed, and more recently hosted some unscripted nonsense called Breaking Up With Shannen Doherty.

Now babies, everyone knows Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter are reality television junkies. However, even we have to draw the line somewhere and that line sits this side of watching Miss Doherty bust up couples on national T.V. Holy moly children, what fool would agree to sign a waiver to be seen on a show like that? Honestly! Are people so hungry for their 15 minutes they'd happily humiliate themselves and air their dirty laundry on national damn T.V.? It would appear so. Lawhd children, what is this world coming to?

Anyhoo, we're here to discuss celebrity real estate and not upsetting cultural phenomena, so let's get back on topic. Your Mama always thought Miss Doherty shacked up with a few horses and dogs on a 20 acre ranch in Somis, a little known and dusty town north of Los Angeles in Ventura County. However, property records show she has sold that rural retreat some time ago and, as it turns out, Miss Doherty actually owns two house in Malee-boo. Two!

One of them, located on Winding Way, was recently listed with an asking price of $4,400,000. Property records reveal that Miss Doherty paid $2,560,000 for the 5 bedroom and 4.5 bathroom property in April of 2004 and listing information indicates the 3,410 square foot contemporary house is accessed down a long flower lined driveway which terminates in a large motor court perfect for turning giant SUVs. The backyard swimming pool looks out and over some of the most expensive real estate in Malee-boo to the Pacific Ocean, a view that Your Mama would give our eye teeth for.

Your Mama hasn't a clue where Miss Doherty will park it once this property sells, but she does still own that another house in Malee-boo, so none of the bleeding heart children should lose any sleep about the possibility of her being homeless.

4.
As was first reported in Life & Style magazine some time ago and built on by the on fire with 411 Mister Big Time yesterday, the always hatted country music star Kenny Chesney has recently plunked down a hefty $7,400,000 for a comely casa on celebrity studded Carbon Mesa Road in Malee-boo.

Mister Chesney's Mediterranean style mini-manse, located up a long private celebrity style driveway, features just 2 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms, an infinity edged swimming pool overlooking the Pacific Ocean, and a long stretch of lawn perfect for gin soaked croquet tournaments played at twilight.

Other big name residents on Carbon Mesa Road include (but are not limited to) Tanya Tucker, Ed Harris and Amy Madigan, David Duchovny and Tea Leoni, as well as the now vacant lot where a house owned by Sean Penn was burned to the ground in the 1993 Malibu fires.

Property records show that Mister Chesney, who was once married to Oscar winning actress Renee Zellweger for about 12 minutes, also owns a 48 acre farm outside Nashville in Franklin, TN. But what Your Mama really wants to know is what is (or is not) under Mister Chesney's 10 gallon hat?

5.
Celebrity real estate superstar Max Abelson at the NY Observer reported yesterday that U2 front man and budding political bigwig Bono pulled in $4,900,000 for an 2,322 square foot co-op apartment he recently sold an apartment at the legendary El Dorado on New York City's Central Park West, the same dee-luxe building where Moby the musician is getting antsy to unload his glute grueling quadraplex.

But don't get too excited children, because this is not the apartment where He of the Tinted Lenses actually lives. Five years ago the Irish rock star moved a few blocks south to the swanky San Remo where he paid Apple Founder and CEO Steve Jobs $14,500,000 for a sprawling duplex penthouse. The San Remo digs are where Mister Bono reportedly coughed up an additional $15,000,000 on renovations by starchitects I.M. Pei and Robert A.M. Stern and also where he has famously battled with Billy Squier (and other nabes) over fireplace smoke drifting into his penthouse.

Matthew Perry Makes It Modern

BUYER: Matthew Perry
LOCATION: Carman Crest Drive, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $4,475,000
SIZE: 2,893 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Presenting a spectacular modern home with soaring mountain, city & ocean views...Full floor master suite, white terrazzo floors, disappearing walls of glass, state-of-the-art audio, visual and security systems, chef's kitchen, pool/spa. Architecturally stunning and luxuriously appointed, this home is life in L.A. as imagined.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Way back in mid-February Your Mama heard from someone we'll call Charlie Chatter who whispered in our big ear that former Friends actor Matthew Perry purchased new digs in the OutPost Estates near Runyon Canyon in the Hills above Hollywood. Your Mama asked around and peeked and poked in property records, but at the time we were unable to confirm Charlie Chatter's idle gossip.

That is until the other day, when we received a fervid and turgid communication from our ever so well informed pal Lucy Spillerguts who squealed to Your Mama that Mister Perry had indeed bought himself a new house on Carman Crest Drive that had been listed at $4,500,000 and the records we were able to access reveal a purchase price of $4,475,000. Now children, four and a half million clams is a lot of money to most people, including Your Mama, but it's really just pennies for a man like Mister Perry who no doubt rakes in gigantic piles of paper money from Friends residuals.

Property and tax records show the freshly rehabbed habitat measures in at a modest sounding 2,893 square feet. However it's possible that number is a wee bit outdated and short of the actual size. Listing information shows the house includes 3 bedrooms and 3.5 bathrooms with the master suite privately occupying the entire second floor where Mister Perry and his ladee lovers will be able to enjoy spine tingling views over the glittering carpet of Los Angeles lights without ever having to leave the big bed.

The house was clearly staged to within an inch of is contemporary life, so there's not need for Your Mama to spend much time discussing or dissing the beige and brown monochromatic color scheme. Unless Mister Perry purchased the place furnished, and we sincerely hope he did not, all that micro-suede and and animal skin will be hauled out by a team of burly mover men long before Mister Perry gets his nice gay decorator up in there to work the rooms into the smooth, sexy and stylish Hollywood Hills hideaway fit for a ladees man like Mister Perry.

Although it has zee-roe to do with real estate, Your Mama feels strangely compelled to include a partial and impressive list of Mister Perry's big name and leading ladee romantic conquests. Because from the looks of things, Mister Perry is going to go down (oops, did we say that?) a legendary Lothario much like the still vi-rile Mister Jack Nicholson whose little black book is no doubt a giant Rolodex of Hollywood hotties. Among the long list of ladees Mister Perry is said to have wined and dined we find Amanda Peete, Lara Flynn Boyle (who we regret to inform isn't looking so twig thin and lovely lately), Julia Roberts, Renee Zellweger, Heather Graham and Lauren Graham, long-ish time gurly friend Rachel Duunn, Sheryl Crow and that poor Meg Ryan. And there's even more children.

Anyhoo, back to Mister Perry's new crib in the hills...We do like the white terrazo floors although they would be an absolute nightmare for Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter's housegurl Svetlana to keep free of our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly's itty bitty paw prints. We'd never hear the end of her (justified) complaining about the humiliation of her having to follow the pooches around on her hands and knees, so from a practical point of view, this house is O.U.T. for us. However, being dog people, we're digging the close to Runyon Canyon location, we're speechless over the mesmerizing views and the petite plunge pool and spa are working our g spot even if we think the yard could use a little creative landscaping to soften up some of the cold and hard edges.

We do detect a a vague motel-ish thing happening on the rear facade that was given a once over by architect Scott Carty, but given that all the floor to ceilings windows slide open to effectively create dee-luxe covered porches, we can live with it. However, we do think the property would benefit the eye and soul to have some actual color injected into the room s in order to differentiate the interior spaces, which are painted a gleaming gallery white, from the exterior spaces which are also quite white. There's nothing here that can't be fixed with a little dough (which Mister Perry has plenty of) and a nice gay decorator with a solid ability to deal with color.

Property records show that Mister Perry continues to own a 2-bedroom unit on the 22nd floor at the celebrity filled Sierra Towers condo complex on Doheny Road, which he picked up in April of 2005, as well as the 3,677 square foot ocean view house on Malee-boo's swanky Sweetwater Mesa Road that records reveal he (also) purchased in April of 2005 for $6,550,000.

Your Mama wishes Mister Perry a happy new home in the Hollywood Hills where he can whisk his big name dates in and out without all the doorman and valets at the Sierra Towers making mental notes of his every romantic move.

P.S. That glitzy dining room chandelier should probably be given the heave-ho along with all the brown and beige day-core.

Ruth's Out and Ann's In

It's official.

The Los Angeles Times has announced that celebrity real estate potentate Ruth Ryon, the woman who pioneered the pathway for all the celebrity real estate gossips like Your Mama, will be succeeded by a lovely ladee named Ann Brenoff. According to the release we read, Miz Brenoff has been on the real estate beat at the Los Angeles Times for three years and we congratulate her and look forward to seeing how she breathes some new life into the old Hot Properties column.

We wish Miz Ryon all the best in her retirement and hope The Times throws her an expensive and fine fête on her way out the door. Just be sure to invite Your Mama because we'd like to pay homage and kiss her retirement ring just like the Catholics do to the Pope.

UPDATE: Jessica Simpson

Turns out it wasn't blond bomber Jessica Simpson who bought Nashville's Queen of Northumberland after all...it was Aussie country crooner Keith Urban and his prodigiously paid ack-truss wifey Nicole Kidman. At least that's what the fine folks at the Nashville Post are now reporting.

Apparently the couple wanted a modest little place to bunk and bed down while they build their dream home on the 36 acre spread they purchased last year in bucolic and celebrity laden Leiper's Fork outside of Nashville.

According to Nashville Post, the Down Under duo paid $3,470,000 for the 10,925 square foot house in a guard gated community that Your Mama was told by a talkative local is secured like Fort Knox. Which means that any of you people have the damn fool idea to get into your hoopdy-mobiles and drive by for a look-see at the famous folks you will find that your efforts, besides being stoopid, will prove to be nuthin' but a waste of very expensive gasoline.

The retiring Miz Ruth Ryon at the L.A. Times' Hot Properties column also reported this weekend that Mister and Missus Urban, who are expecting a baby Urban in July, also forked over around $7,000,000 for a 5,600 square foot house in Los Angeles' Brentwood area. Your Mama hasn't had the time to sort out which house they purchased and we bet we'll be beat to the punch on that one by Mister Big Time, but whatever the case, it's clear these two have major moolah to be dropping well over $10,000,000 on real estate in the last year.

Not that anyone pays Your Mama any mind whatsoever, but we think this house is just too damn big for a budding family of three–not counting Miz Kidman's adopted children from her marriage to that ka-razy Tom Crooz fella. But at least we won't be driven to the devil's drink by imagining that poor unlucky in love Jessica Simpson roaming around that big ol' house all by her lonesome.

Your Mama hears from the Tennessee Talker that when in Nashville Miss Simpson actually holes up in a rented condo at The Enclave. But unless Miss Simpson wants to ring Your Mama on the bat phone to give us the what's what, we can't confirm her Nashville whereabouts beyond just rumor and gossip.

Your Mama Hears...

...From three little birds who yesterday all came chirp chirp chirpin' along whispering the same sweet song about tough talking television talk show titan Dr. Phil McGraw putting his big Bev Hills pile on the market. Located on Lexington Road (just around the corner from the old Tom Crooz compound on N. Alpine Drive) in what is arguably the most prime part of the Beverly Hills flats, the "Mediterranean Villa" measures in at a whopping 11,036 square feet and includes 9 bedrooms 8 full and 2 half bathrooms. Two of those bedrooms and at least one of the bathrooms are located out in the detached guest house at the rear of the property.

Records and other reports reveal that the good doctor, who is not a medical doctor, and his Missus Robin purchased the property back in December of 2002 for around $7,500,000. In cash. Information we received from our blabbermouthing birdies indicates the house includes celebrity-style features like a rotunda entrance hall with sweeping dual staircases for making dramatic entrances (and exits), a screening room, natch, a billiards room, his and hers offices (or his and his or hers and hers depending on who the new owners might be), maids quarters, and what listing information calls a beauty boo-teek, where Dr. Phil can have his manly mustache fluffed and his smooth pate buffed before stepping out for a carton of milk or din-din at Madeos.

Outside is a dining loggia with a fireplace and media center perfect for watching re-runs and reality T.V. al fresco. Don't you lie Dr. Phil!. Even if you would never admit it, Your Mama knows you watch Millionaire Matchmaker and that trashtastic Housewives of New York City just like everyone else. The estate grounds include a double gated circular drive for parking the giant SUVs and the Pree-i (that's plural for Prius, kids), meticulously maintained lawns and extensive and colorful plantings, a large swimming pool with some funny statues standing guard at the corners, and of course, the above mentioned 2 bedroom guest house. No tennis court here, folks.

You may have noticed that Your Mama has failed to inform the children the asking price for Dr. Phil's digs. That's because we don't know. The price is available by request only. We're going to get our good pal Kenny Kissentell on the case to see if he can cut through the red tape and suss out the asking price, a number Your Mama would bet our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly is in the neighborhood of $15,000,000. That's just an uneducated guess though children, so don't go repeating that figure like it's some kind of truth.

We don't know where the attention grabbing Dr. Phil (remember all that silliness with Miss Spears?) and his Missus Robin will be parking their rich booties next, but if we had to guess it would be the 6,170 square foot house on San Ysidro Drive they bought back in February of 2007 which sits up a long driveway completely hidden from the street. Of course, he did also just fork over $2,560,000 for a 2 bedroom contemporary house across the street from Khandi Alexander's quoin-set hut on Woodshill Trail in the Hollywood Hills, but the rumor is that house was purchased for one of his sons. Wherever the McGraws may end up shacking up, Your Mama wonders if ol' D.P. will need to get big bad billionaire Oprah Winfrey to give the two thumbs up?

The Cecil B. DeMille House Revealed

SELLER: A couple of non-celebs
LOCATION: De Mille Drive, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $18,900,000 (reduced from $26,250,000)
SIZE: 6 bedrooms, 10 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Rare and historic Cecil B. DeMille estate, sited on 2.1 elevated acres in gated Laughlin Park. Completely restored with incredible attention to quality and detail. Studio house, pool house/gym, classic pool, expansive lawns, Audiophile Crestron System and much more.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: The children have been clamoring, crying and filling our inbox with email asking for information on the old Cecil B. DeMille estate in Los Feliz that hit the market a few weeks ago with a spine tingling asking price of $26,250,000, which quite frankly is a lot of moolah for a house in that part of Los Angeles. More than likely most of you nosy Neds and Nancys read the post the good folks at Curbed LA posted when the large and lovely crib appeared on the open market, and really, there's very little we can add to what's already been written and discussed about the property other than to deal with some historical details and the lackluster interior day-core.

However, we're going to refrain from getting all snarky this morning and stick to the facts. See kids, Your Mama has a thousand and one things to do today and we can't be sitting around here all day trying to think of pithy and witty things to say about those ass uglee brocade dining room chairs.

Built in 1914 and bought in 1916 by famous film director Cecil B. DeMille for just $27,893 the 2.1 acre property sits on a high elevation in the gated and fancy Laughlin Park neighborhood. According to the Movieland Directory, Mister DeMille later purchased the house next door from silent film super star Charlie Chaplin and connected the two houses with a long arboretum. Most reports indicate that for many years the Oscar winning Mister DeMille used the Chaplin house as his bizness address.

It would appear to Your Mama that the two Old Hollywood Grande Dames are no longer joined because property records show that the old Chaplin residence turned DeMille business address was sold by Emmy winning television producer John Wells to former Universal Pictures head honcho Mary Parent in November of 2007 for $5,980,000.

Most reports say Mister DeMille lived in the house with his family until 1959 and since then it has changed hands on several occasions and the current owners are not celebrities per se, but the huzband is a poet and novelist of some note.

The tax man shows the Mediterranean mansion measures in at a very large but not outrageous 7,472 square feet with 6 bedrooms and 4 bathrooms and listing information for the big beauty indicates there are 10 bathrooms. Your Mama isn't sure why this discrepancy, but everyone knows that 10 bathrooms means the homeowners have to spend big bucks to employ a full time gurl (or boy) just to keep all ten of them terlits scrubbed and properly polished.

In addition to the tile roofed main house that sits exquisitely high on the property, a pool house with a home gym sits next to the wonderfully simple rectangular swimming pool, and another structure/studio is tucked away beyond the pool. Your Mama thinks this pleasingly symmetrical building would be an excellent and quiet spot to read, write and take long afternoon naps while the Dr. Cooter works on his tan the natural way by slathering on some coconut smelling oil and lying motionless in the blistering sun like a dead fish.

The interiors have clearly been modernized and updated–there is a fancy schmancy and expensive Crestron system after all. But thankfully, the house retains its genteel grandeur and graciousness as well as some of its spectacular original details like the soo-blime (and probably hand rubbed) paneling in the dining room.

It's tough for Your Mama to imagine that anyone would want to sell this piece of paradise, but then again we break into a cold sweat just thinking about the gigantic maintenance and landscaping bills which would probably bankrupt the average American. Before you children jump down Your Mama's throat, we are well aware that anyone who can afford a $26,250,000 house a bank account big enough to pay a small army of landscapers to weed, trim and mow on a daily basis and to hire a dozens of dusters, cooks and vacuum pushers to keep the inside looking spiffy. None the less, our mind always boggles at the enormous costs associated not only with purchasing a property of this magnitude, but also the dedication and dollars required to property maintain and shepherd the house through the years.

Your Mama has heard through the gossip grapevine that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner viewed this house, but it's just gossip and rumor so please don't anyone go reporting that like you know what you're talking about because we certainly do not. It's plausible the high powered couple had a look see since they seem to love looking at houses with asking prices above $20,000,000, but we really don't know.

By Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter's estimation, the only thing this house lacks is a tennis court. We realize that not everyone cares to swing a racket like we do, but for $26,250,000 we would most definitely require a tennis court on the property. We can only assume that will not be a requirement for anyone who buys this celebrity style property and we can't wait to see who that will be.

UPDATE: Sean Hayes

If you were bowled over by the stunning million dollar price reduction on C.S.I. sex kitten Khandi Alexander's Hollywood Hills house, then you'll be left gasping for air by the colossal karate chop that Will and Grace's Sean Hayes has brought down on the asking price of his Hancock Park home.

Originally listed at $8,950,000, the 4 bedroom and 5 bathroom property is now being offered with a new an improved asking price of $7,450,000. That's right children, the Emmy winning actor has hacked a humongous $1,500,000 off the asking price of his English Country style house with its dig-nee-fied day-core. It appears that Mister Hayes has gotten dead serious about dumping his current digs and moving one to a new crib, one Your Mama hopes will have slightly smaller closets.

Watch Out New York City...

...Because Paul McCartney's bitter and newly rich ex-wifey Heather Mills has been sniffing around for new digs in Noo York City. According to the The Daily Mail, the $50,000,000 woman was spotted house hunting at the sales office for the yet to be built One Jackson Square, a curvy, swervy and thoroughly modern building that will tower over the corner of Greenwich Avenue and 8th Avenue in lower Manhattan.

No word on what size unit Missy Mills might be interested, but apartments in the undulating and all-glass apartment block carry prices of (approximately) $850,000 for a studio apartment all the way to $12,000,000 for the 3 bedroom penthouse that occupies the entire 11th floor and has 360 degree views over the rooftops of Greenwich Village.

If Miss Rich Dee-vorcée were to consult Your Mama, and we're quite certain she won't since we haven't said the nicest things about her embarrassing grab at her ex-huzband's prodigious Poundage, we think the single mommy should go for one of the 2 bedroom and 3 bathroom duplex units. That way she'd have room for young daughter Beatrice and a lovely terrace from which to shout and scream about how she was wronged, maligned and misunderstood. Your Mama would feel sorry for her because the litigious ladee has really not had an easy go of it in the press and gossip glossies. But unfortunately, it's a wee bit difficult for us to go there because Your Mama would be more than happy to be wronged, maligned and misunderstood by the general public if we had fifty million clams of someone else's money flipping the big bird at the Fourth Estate and the chattering masses.

Andy and Brooklyn Move to Manhattan

BUYER: Andy Roddick
LOCATION: East 22nd Street, New York, NY
PRICE: $1,195,000 (list)
SIZE: small, 1 bedroom, 1 bathroom
DESCRIPTION: Spacious and beautiful sun blasted condo loft. Extra high ceilings, exposed wood beams, exposed brick, wood burning fireplace, southern exposures.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: In yesterday's Manhattan Transfers column in the pink papered NY Observer, celebrity real estate gossip Mister Max Abelson reported that 27 year old tennis titan Andy Roddick has gone to contract to purchase a petite pied a terre in New York City's Gramery Park neighborhood that was listed at $1,195,000.

Noo York City seems an odd choice for the spot light shunning and racket swinging stud who calls Austin, Texas home. But then again, it was recently announced that he and his NYC based and twen-tee year old (20!) Sports Illustrated swim suit model gurly friend Brooklyn Decker have become engaged, so a Manhattan crash pad actually makes a certain amount of sense.

Listing information for the East 22nd Street condominium reveals to Your Mama that other than the high wood beamed ceilings (which are quite lovely), the wood burning fireplace (a feature Your Mama ja d'ors) and the exposed brick (which we don't actually love that much), the treetop level 1 bedroom and 1 bathroom apartment located in a converted brewery is pretty standard fare as far and Manhattan one bedrooms go: Living room to the left, bedroom on the right, bathroom and itty bitty windowless kitchen with crappy cabinetry at the rear.

Although we do like all that extra storage space lofted above the dining area it would probably make us a wee bit nervous to have all that stuff hanging over our head as we tuck into the Chinese take out. Your Mama also appreciates that this smallish apartment includes a proper foyer, however we wish it did a better job obstructing the view of the rest of the apartment. Let's face it, what tennis great wants the delivery people peering over your shoulder and straight down into your living room where your blondie sex bomb moe-dell fiancee is lounging on the leather sofa in a bee-kee-nee with a guitar between her legs?

Your Mama hasn't a clue where the not old enough to drink Miss Decker currently parks her keister, but property records reveal that Mister Roddick owns a 5,558 square foot house on Shimmering Cove in a gated enclave in Austin, TX that he bought in November of 2003 for $1,463,000. Records also show that he also owns a 2,641 square foot house with 3 bedrooms and 2.5 bathrooms in a gated community on Via Rosa Drive that he bought in October of 2001 for just $310,000.

All of which adds up to young Mister Roddick being the very picture of real estate modesty. Considering his large earnings on the tennis court and his even more vast endorsement earnings the man could live just be living fat and large. If we're being honest, and we always are, Your Mama is quite impressed by the tennis ace's lack of need to impress others with a giant house and a fleet of sexy sports cars.

Your Mama wishes much mazel tov to these two genetically blessed youngsters who are likely to produce criminally attractive and insanely talented off spring.

Chris Tucker's Not Very Funny House

SELLER: Chris Tucker
LOCATION: Winford Drive, Tarzana, CA
PRICE: $3,800,000
SIZE: 6,549 square feet, 5 bedrooms and 7.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: This dramatic and elegant view estate, a previous model, offered "fully furnished" will take your breath away. A property with exceptional scale and volume, extraordinary detailing that creates an architectural sophistication, exquisite landscape and impeccable hardscape combine to define this home as Mulholland Park Estates Rare Premier Properties. Over 6,500 sqft. of luxury living on almost 32,000 sqft. lot, 5 bed, library, home theatre, upstairs game room, 8 bth with spectacular city lights views are some of the highlights of this most distinctive home. An elegant sweeping wrought iron circular staircase floats into the most sumptuous master suite that is warm and inviting. No expense was spare on the spacious gourmet kitchen that exemplifies style and function. Pristine entertainers grounds w/ pool, spa, water features.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: If real estate commissions were earned by writing florid and flattering descriptions of properties, the lady in charge of this high end celebrity owned Tarzana tract house would be rich enough to reach into her Birkin bag and buy this piece of "architectural sophistication" where she could "float" up to the "warm and inviting" master suite of this "Rare Premier" property that is being offered for sale "fully furnished" for $3,800,000. Egads.

Thanks to the Tarzana Tattletale, Your Mama has learned that this former model home in the guard gated Mulholland Park Estates community is owned and being offered for sale by stand up comedian and Michael Jackson defender Chris Tucker, a man who appears to have earned much of his moo-lah working opposite Jackie Chan as Detective James Carter in the Rush Hour film franchise. Some reports say Mister Tucker earned as much as 20,000,000 damn dollars for Rush Hour 2, an action film that Your Mama is not ashamed to say we never seen nor even heard of. We got nuthin' against Mister Tucker or Mister Chan, but Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter just aren't action film types.

Anyhoo, property records reveal that the motor mouth comedian purchased this big house on Winford Drive in June of 2001 for $2,400,000, which was right about the time he was getting that titantic $20,000,000 paycheck. According to the tax man, the house measures in at 6,549 square feet and listing information indicates there are 5 bedrooms and 7.5 bathrooms in this house of vaguely Georgian but ultimately indeterminate architectural style that sits cheek by jowl next to all the other steroidal tract homes that make up the Mulholland Park Estates community. Other features of this "dramatic" and "most distinctive home" are an expensive and circular brick driveway leading to a 4 car garage, a cruise ship lobby like foyer with a double circular stair case, a double height living room stuffed with shiny champagne colored furniture and giant urns filled with sticks that look like they could blind a boozed up party guest.

There's also a game room on the second floor with bamboo furniture (not pictured), a home thee-ay-ter, and a gore-may kitchen with dark cabinets, black appliances and beige everything else. A fireplaced family room with a wall of French doors leads to the backyard where the swimming pool and spa is lorded over by that cockamamie pergola situation. As if the pergola thing is not disturbing enough all by itself, someone had the not very pleasing idea to add a few statues of toga wearing ladees. Not nice.

Upstairs in the "sumptuous" master suite we have more beige things and some disco lighting which is so perplexing and upsetting to Your Mama that we have already started in on the gin and it's not even noon yet. In the master bathroom we find more eye popping disco lighting and a spa tub large enough to fit a good number of plastic boobed Hollywood hussies.

Because we always try to find something nice to say about all the properties we discuss, we'll allow that Mister Tucker's gardeners are doing an awesome job keeping the front yard's carpet of lawn green and weed free, and trust Your Mama on this one children, that's an expensive and not so easy feat considering the blazing sun that beats down on San Fernando Valley. We can also get behind the sheer camp and decadence of the twin crystal chandeliers hanging over the dining room table, but we'd really have preferred to see those fixtures in a nearly minimalist setting or in room done up like some crazy overstuffed Mario Buatta extravaganza. We'll also grant that the view over the Valley is nice, although we're certain some of you Bev Hills types would rather slit your wrists than spend your days looking out over Reseda. The kitchen is large, which is nice for Chef, and Your Mama could probably sit in that family room for one night watching the amazingly embarrassing Housewives of New York City without feeling like we need to poke our eyes out. For one night only though.

Your Mama would not be surprised to learn that there are many multi-millionaires who crave and are willing to fork over big bucks to live live in a big beige house behind the fancy gates of the Mulholland Park Estates. Just not any of the multi-millionaires we know.

Property records show that Mister Tucker also owns the house immediately next door which has a Briarfield Way address. That 6,399 square foot house with 5 bedrooms and 6.5 bathrooms was purchased in November of 1996 for $1,113,500. At this point and time Your Mama isn't sure which house Mister Tucker actually occupies, but we hope it's the house on Briarfield Way and that the house for sale is just some sort of crazy investment property that has been painfully staged with a truckload of beige furniture.

Whatever the case, we wish Mister Tucker well and hope he'll call Your Mama to get a short list of names of talented and nice gay decorators who could give him some much needed help with his too beige interior day-core.

UPDATE: Khandi Alexander

Looks like sexy C.S.I. siren Khandi Alexander has become dead serious about unloading her House of Faux Quoins up in the Hills of Hollywood just behind the legendary celeb hideaway The Chateau Marmont. Miz Khandi's four story, 4,126 square foot quoin-set hut was first listed in mid-February for $4,495,000, and late last night while sipping our pre-bedtime gin and tonic Your Mama noticed that the asking price for Khandi's khrib has been given a gigantic $1,000,000 karate chop all the way down to $3,495,000.

Your Mama is certain all the Chicken Little children will use this almost unfathomable price adjustment as a perfect example of how the real estate sky is falling in Los Angeles. But children, before any of the many folks gleeful about the bottom dropping out of the market do a happy dance, let's at least consider that the original asking price was, uh, rather optimistic to begin with, okay?

Considering that Oprah's (annoying) television creation Dr. Phil just bought the 2,356 square foot 2 bedroom house across the street for $2,650,000, it would seem that Miss Khandi's much larger khrib is now much more appropriately priced.