Friday, December 26, 2008

Victoria Gotti's Hot Mess of a Mansion Hits the Market

SELLER: Victoria Gotti
LOCATION: Birch Hill Court, Old Westbury, NY
PRICE: $3,500,000
SIZE: 5 bedrooms, 5.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: This exquisite custom brick estate with Old World charm and elaborate detail on 4 acres of magnificent property was built in 1993 and features a pool with cascading waterfalls, guest/cabana house, gazebo with pond, stable/paddock, 4 car garage, fountains, children's playground, tennis court.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: If the Long Island children will simmer down and listen very closely they can probably hear all the lock-jawed blue bloods in old money Old Westbury, NY sitting around their exclusive (and "restricted") country clubs quietly clinking their brandy snifters at in celebration that mafia princess turned gossip writer turned novelist Victoria Gotti has listed her 4 acre estate with an asking price of $3,500,000.

According to the gurls at Newsday, this is far from the first time Miz Gotti, a questionably klassy ladee who once pretended to have breast cancer, has attempted to unload her mafia-style mansion on the North Shore of Long Island. First listed in 2003, then 2005 and again in 2006, the over-processed property once carried an asking price of $4,800,000.

Property records show that weavetastic Miz Gotti and her former huzband Carmine Agnello (who was, surprise!, jailed in the year 2000 for racketeering) purchased the Birch Hill Court property in 1989 for $175,000 and proceeded to build one of the ass-ugliest mansions Your Mama has ever had the displeasure of laying eyes on.

Miz Gotti reportedly shares her Old Westbury estate with her three college age cugines (Carmine Jr, John and Frank) who revealed themselves to be nearly inarticulate, obscenely entitled and wildly ill-mannered morons on the family's lurid and stomach churning reality tee-vee program Growing Up Gotti which has, thankfully, been cancelled. Even Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter, who are unashamed and unrepentant reality program addicts could not sit through an entire episode of that television train wreck.

Anyhoo, listing information for Miz Gotti's estate indicates the two story house (plus finished basement) of indeterminate and completely whacked architectural pedigree includes 5 bedrooms and 5.5 bathrooms while property records show the house measures 5,739 square feet with 7 full and 2 half bathrooms. Your Mama can not account for the terlit count difference, but it may be the larger pooper count includes bathing and evacuating facilities in the detached guest house/cabana which looks like some half-assed, please poke our eyes out with a stick attempt at re-creating the damn Parthenon.

Listing information reveals the fully landscaped property, which rather unfortunately backs up to the service road of the very bizzy and very loud Long Island Expressway, includes double drive gates, a large motor court, any number of fountains, a cascading waterfall, dark-bottomed swimming pool, vast (featureless and furnitureless) paver-tiled patios and terraces, long stretches of lawn, a gazebo occupying on a small island in the middle of a private pond (gack!), stables and paddocks for the horsey types, a children's playground, a tennis court, a damn go-kart track and a 4 car garage for all the Gotti family's many mafia-mobiles.

While the puzzling and perplexing exterior has Your Mama's hair standing on end, it's really the interior spaces that make us go all glassy eyed, slack jawed an in desperate need of a large nerve pill and a gigantic gin and tonic. Guests, associates, buttons and compares are greeted in an entrance hall with a too-low looking ceiling and twin curving staircases where Miz Gotti can make dramatic entrances with her white pant suits, deep decolletage and riotous Rapunzel like tresses. The large living room features wood floors (that look like they might be cherry) a grand piano (that we'd bet our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly has never been touched by the Gotti boys), all manner of over-stuffed chintz sofas, funeral home style drapery, and perhaps most unsettling of all, an entire wall completely covered with floor to ceiling mirrors. Who does that? Seriously. Who? The dining room ceiling, like that of the living room, has been stenciled with flowers, an affectation that makes Your Mama gag a little, inlaid wood floors and more funeral home style drapery.

The kitchen, with its tile floor and mirrored built-in buffet/display cabinet, is clearly in need of a complete overhaul and Your Mama does not even know what to make of those curly-cue iron stools that have been pulled up to the pill shaped work island, but we sincerely recommend they be taken out with yesterday's garbage because they are making our back ache just lookin' attem.

While Miz Gotti's office with its fireplace, inlaid floors and black walls almost (we stress the word almost) passes muster for not being completely vomit worthy, we are completely over-whelmed by the decorative tragedy of Miz Gotti's boudoir and private bathroom. For some reason, some misguided decorator has draped and swagged yard after yard after yard of gauzy textiles over Miz Gotti's four poster bed which sits, as you might well imagine, on a pedestal. The eagle eyed children will note how the swoopy chaise lounge at the foot of the bed appears to hang over the edge of the pedestal. Niiiihce. Miz Gotti's rose and gold colored bathroom is quite possibly one of the most upsetting examples of a bathroom on which we have ever laid our beady little eyes. How much do the children want to bet that all those floral arrangements are silk or plastic dust catchers? We'd also like to direct the children's limited attentions the baseboard heating elements which are certainly not what we expect to see in a multi-million dollar mansion, even on Long Island where baseboard heating is as common as sand at the beach.

There's a saying in real estate which is that, "Every lid has a pot." However, Your Mama imagines that only another mobbed up family with a few million clams stashed in a hidden compartment in their late model Escalade will find this is the right pot for their over the top design luvvin' lid.

None the less, we wish Miz Gotti and her three cretin kids all the luck in the world selling her real estate white elephant and respectfully request she not send any of her deceased father's former enforcers out looking for Your Mama's and/or the Dr. Cooter's knee caps. Capeesh?

101 comments:

Anonymous said...

The thought of living in that "funeral home" style mansion bought with blood money just makes my skin crawl. I realize Victoria had nothing to do with her father's "business", but she still has contact with The Family.

Perhaps the church of Satan would like to open up a branch in NY?

Anonymous said...

well,,,,,,,,,,,, enough about the house, i thought the sons were hot, at least for a night

Anonymous said...

it's like Vegas meets Long Island- what's up with the ceilings? is it me or does the "hole" house seem dark.

Anonymous said...

low ceilings!!!!!! NEVER ever build with low ceilings. as for the decor.....would you expect anything less?


P.S LUV this blog

Anonymous said...

Wow. What an atrocity and waste of money and space. Thanks for sharing this with us, Mama. And on the day after Christmas, too.

Anonymous said...

I would leave the West Coast for this house.

Anonymous said...

Wait, is that a smoke stain on the ceiling above the kitchen range??!! Are you fucking kidding me?

Anonymous said...

reminds me of graceland.
paging elvis....

Anonymous said...

A total hideosity.

Lets Pretend said...

Please don't judge us all by this one, awful display. Not all Long Islanders have such bad taste!

Alessandra said...

Hahahaha!

Oh, thank you, Mama!

Where to begin? Shall we start with the front doors, which are better suited to a contemporary in a suburb of Dallas than whatever traditional rip-off this house is trying to be? Pleasing design isn't just about dropping some circles and arcs and squiggles on shit and calling it "feng shui".

But in the spirit of the season, we'll go into the foyer with the vulva that is a double stair case. It's enough to make me want a sex change operation.

The horrid ice cream parlor chairs at the breakfast bar in the kitchen are simply ridiculous, but certainly not worse than the wall of mirrors in the living room. Then again, is that mold growing on the dining room ceiling? Surely some decorator didn't paint ivy there, right?

The den is probably the best room in the house, by virtual of being well-scaled (comparatively) and relatively well decorated.

The master bath is a joke. As are the exterior portions of the home.

All in all, this makes Tony Romo's new pad look positively restrained and gracious. Good going, Victoria.

Unknown said...

Not bad for the price.

Anonymous said...

Thanks Alessandra. You basically restated everything our Mama said. Try next time for an original thought.

Alessandra said...

Oh, darling 3:38pm, do tell us what you think of this house...

Starck Mad said...

Lord have mercy. I remember watching an episode of the show, when a hoard or realtors basically laughed the house into the ground. Enough said.

I think Norma Desmond herself, would find it a nightmare.

Anonymous said...

The Staging Lady didn't even bother to grab the magazines out of that painfully heinious bathroom and stash them in her Pink Toyota.

Anonymous said...

OMG what a pile! I grew up on the North Shore and this is new money imitating old money in the absolutely worst way possible. I bet the neighbors are clinking champagne glasses in anticipation.

Starck Mad said...

YES, if I recall, the realtors had a "is she kidding?" kind of response to the open house.

The somewhat dilapidated and done-on-the-cheap nature of the property provoked concern.

I remember a prospective buyer sinking in the mud with her Jimmy Choos by the pool house.

Anonymous said...

Other than the house being a tear down, you'd think one of the boys would have at least picked up a power washer to help the outside look 0.005% better.

Anonymous said...

I am 100% certain that NONE of you negative posters live in a mansion...so your only satisfaction is to criticize her house.

Anonymous said...

mama, are you sure this house isn't owned by a prominent beverly hills persian family?

Anonymous said...

Other than the cliched use of "Hot Mess," this exemplary keen eye and wicked prose from Mama that keeps me coming back... That and my voyeuristic nature.

Anonymous said...

remember tin the TV series how those "brain dead" sons used to run around and slam the doors, the pool was a fucken disaster with leakage????

Also when you are in the back yard you can here the traffic from the motorway.

This house is $2m tops.

Those sons must have a IQ = 80.

Anonymous said...

"Those sons must have a IQ = 80."

Ya left off the word, "combined", honey.
Gawd, what a dreadful place.
My money is on Sarah Palin to buy it so that she can "have a nice house in the States" (where Putin won't rear his head at her).

Anonymous said...

Didn't I read somewhere that she paid a lot of smackers to that crazy Bobby Trendy dude/dudette for that bed?

Anonymous said...

The combination of disproportunate and indistinct architectural design, tacky and outdated decorating, and worst of all for a home attempting it's upteenth bid at selling - a host of truly filthy exterior and interior eye sores - places it in a sad category by itself. It takes alot to throw me off my instinctive impulse with regard to salvaging and renovating ugly duckling real estate and turning it into a swan, but in this case the only inspiration I can draw is by first imagining clearing the field and tearing it down. If Victoria is serious about selling, I recommend dropping the price and marketing it as land value only.

Anonymous said...

There have been a lot of homes on this site which people criticize, and I often don't agree with all the negative remarks. But THIS thing ... my God. Hideous isn't a strong enough word to describe it. There's not one redeeming quality about it I can find.

I don't know about the boys' IQ's, but whoever designed this shack was certainly "challenged".

Anonymous said...

I'd like to see someone take a power washer to the sons to wash off all the makeup and hair gel/spray so we could see if they are actually attractive. Debatable in my opinion.

Anonymous said...

3.5M for 4 acres wouldn't be that bad to buy as a tear down and build something much better and older looking. It is a shame such gaudy sicilians give all italians a bad name.

Anonymous said...

What are you talking about Mama? That show kicked ass. It was one of the number one reality shows on cable and AE for a few seasons. Her sons; PURE BREED GUIDO'S. That Carmine is eye candy.. Oooo La La.

Anonymous said...

11:33 - Don't you mean "That Carmine wears too much eye liner.. Oooo La La"

Anonymous said...

Could Carmine Gotti be any more painted, plucked and frosted? And then has a spare tire around the middle? Guess he doesn't own a full length mirror.

hottiegotti.com/fanzone/potw/01.jpg

Anonymous said...

Look at the far right side of the dining room photo - you can tell the wall is mirrored like the one in the living room - ugh. Every proportion is out of whack and the whole mess looks cheap and low klass - sort of like the residents. Everything looks like it came off a shelf at Home Depot. Overall, terrible.

StPaulSnowman said...

If you can't say something nice.................this is the house to comment on.

Cojack said...

Here's one for this web site, especially. I think it was Dorothy Parker who said, "If you don't have anything nice to say, come have a seat next to me." Heee.

Anonymous said...

Oh,there,there. The show wasn't that bad. Frankly, I've seen worse.

Anonymous said...

One has to wonder with all of the deferred maintenance, if Ms. Gotti is running a little low on cash.

Yes, she's been trying to sell this dump for years but ended up staying. She was doing it near the top of the market though.

Now she wants to suddenly sell again when nobody has any clue what the future brings?

The deferred maintenance and timing of listing is a wee bit suspect to me.

Anonymous said...

Mama:

I am not one of the regulars that seem to post on here, but I enjoy your humor and never more so then now.

Yes, I watched this show for a while, and then could not take the tacky lunacy anymore.

I pity the poor real estate agent who had to keep a straight face while listing this wreck.

This home is so bad in so many respects it defies imagination.
If I were the decorator I would not want my name mentioned.

Your commentary gave me the best laugh of the month, and I hope no guys with Jersey accents and a big cadillac knock on your door.

Anonymous said...

One of the 'Anoynomous' said:
"I am 100% certain that NONE of you negative posters live in a mansion...so your only satisfaction is to criticize her house."

Are you serious?
The 'size' of the abode, has nothing to do with the critical outcome.
Tacky is tacky, whether it's a double-wide or a 'New jersey mansion'
Please, get a clue!

Anonymous said...

How anyone could even LIVE in Long Island is beyond me. This house is pretty good for LI, almost tasteful.

It amazes me (or doesn't?) that even with $50-70M Hamptons mansions, that Long Island doesn't even come close to most expensive/ nicest places to live in the tr-state.

Anonymous said...

The front door(s) is/are really something else. Look like the doors to the kitchen in some low class restaurant or cafeteria.

Anonymous said...

ooh.

ah

ouch.

ahhh

ooohh

ayyayyay

ouch

ouch

ouch

Whew. That was hard to look at.

Benjamin said...

I wish it was traditional brick. Might be nice to look at (with a new set of doors).

Anonymous said...

The really amazing thing about this mess is that it was her Dad the famous John Gotti that helped to design it. Having personally toured this place back when she first listed it when she had the show it was in major need of repairs... I mean MAJOR.. The pool and adjoining "cabana were rotted and in each bedroom of the house there were large holes in the walls not to mention the mess of the kitchen and the bathrooms. You would have to go in to this place with an additional million to bring it up to standards then when you were all done and you sit in the quiet you realize the Long Island Expressway is in your backyard.

Anonymous said...

this house needs a nice gay bulldozer

Anonymous said...

Well if you removed everything from the house, painted it stark white, had a resident Priest live on the grounds to forgive all the sin that was committed to attain the moneys to build the home 24/7 and changed the title holder of the home.....it just might sell. Seriously for long island not a bad asking price as long as your into a total remodel, but seriously the land is worth more than the house.

Anonymous said...

So, is the place falling apart because they probably circumvented (due to their "connections") all building permits and codes? Is this what you get you "know a guy" in construction or in the building dept?

Anonymous said...

I'm going to have to agree w/ anon. 9:58. Definitely Beverly Hills Persians: if I didn't know it was in Long Island, I'd think it was my next door neighbor...

muranogirl said...

This post is too damned funny, thanks Mama!
Avete capito?

Anonymous said...

the original listing reads:
5k sqft house, fell off the back of a truck yesterday, good deal, c'mon around the back & we'll talk.

Anonymous said...

Minus the décor the exterior and property is pretty nice , even if it is on the island. I'd rather have this than a spec house McMansion.

StPaulSnowman said...

McMansion?.............this place is a White Castle slider.

Anonymous said...

Is this the most popular post in Realestalker history????

Anonymous said...

7:06 - If you mean by number of comments, not even close. The children have passed the 100 comment mark on numerous occasions.

Anonymous said...

quite awful.

Anonymous said...

Hilarious commentary mama! This is as tacky as it gets...

Anonymous said...

There is nothing to say.

Anonymous said...

MAMA, you should do a writeup on the "Santa Killer" Ex wifes house.

Anonymous said...

Did her sons ever finish high school?

That family is a disgrace to Long Island.

Anonymous said...

But that is the only way to get a fine Russian foie gras.

Anonymous said...

Well, it's pretty clear that this home is a strong contender for Worst Home Ever to be covered on Mama's blog. Quite a distinction, lol.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous 12:15pm, 12/26/08.... my sentiments exactly

Anonymous said...

Anonymous 12:15pm, 12/26/08.... my sentiments exactly

Anonymous said...

HYSTERICAL -

this is the height of false luxury - quite terrifying in the show, and i'm sure quite a bit worse in "real life".

yikes

Anonymous said...

Once again I have to say this Mama. It has been 3 days since you've written something. You have been slacking off so much and it's really depressing. Can you please write something!? I need my fix and you're laziness is pissing me off and I'm sure others too.

Anonymous said...

Once again I have to say this Mama. It has been 3 days since you've written something. You have been slacking off so much and it's really depressing. Can you please write something!? I need my fix and you're laziness is pissing me off and I'm sure others too.

Anonymous said...

Once again I have to say this Mama. It has been 3 days since you've written something. You have been slacking off so much and it's really depressing. Can you please write something!? I need my fix and you're laziness is pissing me off and I'm sure others too.

Anonymous said...

I didn't mean to write that 3 times. Sorry :)

Anonymous said...

Did people see this? Hugh Jackman's new apartment is INSANE!!!!!!!! The best property I've seen in NYC.

http://www.roger-erickson.com/listings_0015738.html

Anonymous said...

11:05AM, the only thing that's pissing this reader off is YOUR NERVE, and I'm pretty sure I speak for most of the other readers here too.

Hope you're enjoying the Christmas/New Year holiday Mama! You deserve it :)

Anonymous said...

to anon at 11:30 am, I think mama covered this one already. But your listing has more pictures, I believe?

Anonymous said...

Typical wop guido style

Anonymous said...

11:05 - Why don't you help Mama out by posting some photos of YOUR home and let the children critique it?

Anonymous said...

Just sour grapes from a couple of orphan children who are jealous Mama has a loving family to spend the holidays with while they are heating up a bowl of Campbell's Chunky soup and calling it "Christmas Dinner".

Anonymous said...

Make that heating up the soup ALONE.

StPaulSnowman said...

don't forget the stale Ritz crackers. Have fun Mama wherever you are.

lil' gay boy said...

Here it is, kiddies, in all its aerial horror. You can drive by it, but honey DO NOT stop or try to take a picture; there are some unsavory characters always nearby...

She's thankfully, obviously not the trendsetter of the family; her brother's house on the North Shore is really quite traditional, if uninspired.

She cut me off once near Northern Blvd. in Manhasset in her black Mercedes convertible; fortunately, she didn't shoot me...

;-)

...she just gave me one of those "Ooops, I goofed! Sorreeee!" head-slap motions.

*Whew*

Anonymous said...

Rumour has it that Miz Gotti has massive labia lips - thats why she cannot never find a long-term partner.

They are so haity too that to get rid of the potent smell she goes for a shower before the poor sorry assed b/f takes a lick

Anonymous said...

Above was me. I forgot to sign it.

Anonymous said...

as an italian american, I find it interesting how comfortable people are with making stereotypical wop jokes and italian bashing. If this house belonged to an asian family or a black family, nothing negative would be said about their choice of culturally influnced decor.

that said, this "mansion" is a crap shack and decorated no better/worse than my weathy parents large scale suburban home. The gotti's, much like my own family think their taste is gods gift. I really just don't relate.

Anonymous said...

Damn, you all are PICKY. Of course, there are some parts of the house in rough shape (the kitchen, the ceiling in the dining room, etc.), but I think the architecture and decor are nice. Certainly they may not meet whatever latest decorating or architectural trends there are now, but it's nice for what it is.

I'm not sure why it's referred to as a "whacked architectural pedigree". The exterior architecture reminds me of something along the lines of what you may see in ancient Rome, or some buildings in the U.S. government, like the White House.

Maybe I'm not as influenced by hip trend-setting magazines, but I think the house would be just fine with a kitchen overhaul and some repair work elsewhere.

Anonymous said...

It is cheap, ugly and tastless beyond any ethnic or sexual preference connections. Hideosity does not require any associations, res ipsa loquitor.

Anonymous said...

Looks like it fell off a McMansion truck.

lil' gay boy said...

The pictures really don't do it justice; it is far, far uglier & nasty in person. Not only does it give the general impression of being "down at the heels", but the façade is stained, the landscaping unkempt, the frost has heaved the Belgian blocks of the driveway, and on days when the wind changes, you can find yourself under the approach path to JFK.

Trust me. For the love of God, you can even hear the incessant, 24/7 traffic on the fucking LIE from the street in front of the house...

Anonymous said...

You guys are ruthless. Here is a woman who has had a lot of issues in life. Her husband cheated on her and seems like a rat, she's a single parent who is just trying to get on with her life. I respect her and her dedication to her dad, her sons. Additionally as a fellow long island guy, i think she is drop-dead gorgeous (any guy who thinks otherwise is blind as a bat) and has a nice, witty personality to boot. Women in the area like that are hard to find. Victoria you're the best and I sincerely hope things work out for you.

StPaulSnowman said...

I think most people were talking "sweet ruthless" about the house and not the demure Ms. Gotti.

Anonymous said...

Ms.Gotti has enough fat around her wast to fuel a car from Long Island to L.A.


The main problem with this house is that you can hear the traffic. What is the point of having 4acres when you cannot venture out and have some peace???

lil' gay boy said...

"What is the point of having 4 acres when you cannot venture out and have some peace???"

My sentiments exactly; most of the properties bordering the LIE service road are set back further, buffered with heavy landscaping, or, if they're "lucky", behind one of the massive sound barriers that line the route; but the siting of this house on a rise ensures that every screeching tire, horn & broken muffler will be heard no matter where on the property you are. Not to mention the ass-uglee chain link fence that borders the service road, "camouflaged" with dark green fabric and propping up the crooked row of evergreens.

Anon 9:26, um, not quite; even if she were secretly a drag queen (she could work the look), this male is neither blind as a bat nor thinks she's "drop dead gorgeous." But then that just could be my "persuasion."

;-)

However, as a single mom raising those genetically challenged hoodlums I give her full props; not only for keeping them out of jail, but for managing to clean up pretty well, to boot.

I did make an attempt to read her first book ––– I don't know how much "ghosting" was done on it but she did prove that she's able to string coherent sentences together into some semblance of a plot.

But this White Castle-chic house is undeniably tacky, shoddily-built, and, as rumor has it, largely the vision of her husband. 'Nuff said.

Marc said...

to paraphrase the theme of "growing up gotti" my shoes are going going walking out the door, and will never step back in w/o a sledge hammer!

Anonymous said...

socal is where its at:

La Jolla Real Estate
Bird Rock Real Estate

Anonymous said...

Just what this blog needs another Josh Flagg wannabee.

Anonymous said...

If this place didn't border the LIE it would be a good buy, not for the house but for the land which is actually rather nice. It would bulldoze all the buildings.

Anonymous said...

Remember when she pulled a Kim from ATL housewives and had "cancer"? Scary.

Anonymous said...

I called for a gay escort and Carmine Gotti showed up. I took one look at his cocktail weener and sent him back.

Anonymous said...

Place is a pig sty just like the people who live there.

Anonymous said...

I pesonally think that this is a beautiful house. Just because you people say that Victoria is living in a house bought of blood money doesn't mean that is how she gets her money now. You guys are a bunch of hipoocrates. The women is trying to have a life for her and her 3 sons and this is how you treat her. I think that she is a great mother and she did a great job raising her sons. Why don't you people get a life and stop talking about other peoples, who cares if she is the daughter of John Gotti Sr. She is a person just like you, and i mean who cares if her house has some stains on the ceiling have you heard of paint or are you all to lazy to even lift a paint brush. I give props to victoria she has made a great life for her and he boys and she doesn't try to live by the Gotti name.

Anonymous said...

Why do you guys care so much you don't have to live there and people have different tastes. I think it'd be a nice place if they just took care of the yard and some other things. And don't judge her sons from a tv show they showed all the bad stuff to make interesting tv. If you don't know them personally you really have no room to comment. They have grown up to be very good looking boys they don't have the hairgel or fake tans anymore.

Unknown said...

http://blog-hotz.blogspot.com/2009/05/victoria-gotti.html

Sprmcandy said...

Victoria is a pretty lady.

Jeannified said...

My GOD, that place is HIDEOUS!!!! What was she thinking by lowering the ceilig in front of the stairs like that and putting those lights in like that? The whole house is hideously decorated! I can't imagine that anyone would buy this horrid place!

Anonymous said...

I personally like the house. It has an old world / Victorian charm. I'm sure all of your homes are not perfect either, but we all like to think they are. So, stop judging this family. Do not judge a book by its cover. You also should not speak without knowing all the facts about someones life.