Thursday, May 22, 2008

Greg Finefrock Flipping Out In Malee-boo


SELLER: Greg Finefrock
LOCATION: Birdview Avenue, Malibu, CA
PRICE: $8,999,000
SIZE: 3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms1
DESCRIPTION: ...Recently renovated designer estate–exceptional location overlooking white water views. Enter through custom gates & be blown away by vast coastline vistas, amazing sunsets & complete privacy w/ mature trees surrounding the property. 2 story home w/ expansive outdoor patios & custom interior spaces w/ sophisticated use of wood & stone. 3 bd 3 ba plus office w/ custom a/v system...

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Your Mama knows the children feel a little neglected lately and our truly heart aches from your existential pain and celebrity real estate withdrawal. It really does. Especially because we recognize how y'all rip each other to shreds when we're not around in an uglee–but occasionally entertaining–display of wordsmithing warfare. Here's the thing puppies, despite appearances and contrary to popular opinion, Your Mama actually works for a living like ev-er-ee-bah-dee else and lately we've been swamped, bizzy and buried in the bizness that pays the big bills.

Besides, if we're being honest, and we always are, properties being sold and bought by bonified rich and famous folks have been on the slim lately which means that some days we feel like we're scraping the bottom of the barrel just to feed the children a celebrity real estate smidgen to satisfy their hungry souls. Be warned my little chickens that today we'll be scraping at the bottom of said barrel. Your Mama well realizes that the home we're discussing here is owned by a man that most the children have likely never heard of and perhaps don't even care to know anything about but you're just going to have to bear with us.

Okay then, let's get to discussing the Malee-boo property owned by Los Angeles restaurateur Greg Finefrock. The children may not give a rat's ass about who Mister Finefrock is or what he does that affords him a multi-million dollar crib hanging over the Pacific Ocean in Malee-boo, but because Your Mama relishes quietly rolling his Thackeray-esque and soo-blime surname over in our mind, we're going to discuss the freshly re-done residence he's flipping on Birdview Drive in the Point Dume area of Malee-boo.

Before we get to the dee-tales of the property, let's shamelessly plug Mister Finefrock's glitzy, glammy and hyper designed velvet rope dining and drinking establishments (Chapter 8 Steakhouse, P6 Restaurant and Lounge and Suki 7) which are located in the unlikely and somewhat sleepy suburban locales of Agoura Hills and Westlake Village. While Your Mama has no plans to ever (ever!) venture as far into the suburban hinterlands of Westlake Village in search of steak or Sushi, we think Mister Finefrock and his brother/bizness partner are smarter than fruit flies for bringing louche lounges and over-processed Las Vegas-style "restrauntainment" to all the well to do suburbanites sick and tired of schlepping into the Hollywood hot spots to see and be seen.

But we digress. Property records show that the San Fernando Valley born Mister Finefrock, only purchased this property in September of 2006. The records we accessed are a little vague, but if we were willing to hazard a guess that risks us looking like an ignorant ass, we'd say Mister Finefrock paid somewhere in the neighborhood of $6,400,000 for the 3 bedroom and 3 bathroom house on Birdview Avenue.

A little birdie who knows a little something about Malee-boo's bluff top Birdview Avenue told Your Mama that this is not the first time Mister Finefrock has attempted to unload this house. Only a year after purchasing the house and giving the interiors an overhaul, he dumped it back on the market with an asking price of $8,995,000. But alas, no takers for Mister Finefrock's fine house. After a little re-tooling of the day-core that included adding a truck load of ghastly green and white leather sofas that look dangerous to sit on if you're sweating or wearing satin, Mister Finefrock is once again listed the house for sale with a oddly increased asking price of $8,999,000. That time line and those numbers indicate to Your Mama that Mister Finefrock is flipping this house with the hope of pocketing a significant amount of money for the trouble of owning and renovating this house.

The house, which property records indicate is 1,696 square feet and which Your Mama thinks looks quite a bit larger, is located high on a bluff overlooking the Pacific. While we recognize that many filthy rich beach buyers would prefer to be able to stroll out the back door and put their tootsies right in the soft sand, Your Mama was recently chit chatting with a lucky gal who grew up on Malee-boo's Broad Beach and she told us that while it was great to live on the beach, every couple of years a wicked and wayward wave would flood the lower floor of the house. If you're rich it might only be a nuisance to have to fix the floors and hire a nice gay decorator to get you some new furniture, but given that kind of H2O drama that is too often a part of living right on the sand, we can see the benefits of being located high on a bluff.

The exterior of the house is a kind of wonky that borders on ass uglee and most of the day-core is over processed and looks too much like some sort of impossibly trendy boo-teek hotel or night club for Your Mama's particular taste. However, that does not mean that all is lost. The second floor balcony juts out towards the bluff and ocean like the prow of a ship and we imagine that's a sensational spot to get slowly and comfortably boozed up on a warm summer afternoon with a tall stack of gossip glossies.

The main living room space works for us with the high ceilings and gigantic windows looking out over the ocean. The wall of bookshelves gives the house a much needed intellectual fortitude and the modestly sized clean lined kitchen works well for us particularly since Your Mama is o-vah granite counter tops and this kitchen appears to have something else. We're even digging that big chunky work island because it looks all wrong in a way that makes it all right in our book of design desirables.

The back yard includes a large low profile wrap around deck that we appreciate although we might recommend that Mister Finefrock purchase a few market umbrellas so that guests who prefer not to get skin cancer have a shaded place to sit outdoors. We're a little unsure about that grid thing in the lawn. At first we though it might be a Philippe Starck-ish chess board folly with giant plastic rooks and queens, but upon closer examination and a look at a chess board, we realize it's not actually set up like a chess board at all. It looks interesting, but it's really got not use and as far as we're concerned the backyard would be better without it.

In the last few years the Point Dume area has become increasing expensive and has attracted celebs and Tinseltown types like hot bodied Matthew McConnaughey, arty cinematographer Lance Acord, bad boy rock star Kid Rock and of course apparel king turned producer Sidney Kimmel plunked down a reported $48,000,000 to purchase Johnny Carson's extensive cliff top estate in early 2007.

Now sit tight because Your Mama has to catch yet another airplane. This time back home to see our Dr. Cooter and the long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly who we expect will pee with glee at our return. And then of course there's our pussy Sugar who, quite frankly, could care less whether Your Mama lives or dies.

42 comments:

StPaulSnowman said...

Mama.......I win the prize for being the first one to welcome you back. We missed you and expect you will double up on your postings.. Job schmob you know in your heart that the kids matter most!

eddie from pdx said...

yay! Welcome back mama!

eddie from pdx said...

DAY-UM! Thos green couches are all kinds of NO NO NO!

Neurophilly said...

Welcome back to connectedville Mama! Sur'um did miss ya.

Oh my mercy but those couches must go. 'Though wouldn't mind hanging onto the shiny green stool jussum for those guests we're hoping won't come back any time soon.

Has the kitchen got just a teeny tiny window above the cupboards or is that green "art" or bottles or .....?

Nothing here that a good, much gayer, decorator couldn't fix. Do like the lines of the house and yes I, too, would appreciate some shade to keep from frying to some shoe leather shade in my old age.

Again - hurry home Mama. And may the living be easier.

StPaulSnowman said...

Excuse me but do I understand correctly.?.......nine million dollars for sixteen hundred square feet of living space? This is unfathomable to a landlocked hick like myself. What is the lot size? Even being high enough to relieve yourself on unsuspecting celebrities below doesn't make this worth that kind of money. One little fault shift disturbance and you could fit the whole thing in a twelve yard dumpster.

Anonymous said...

I think the squares in the yard are a sort "patio in the grass" where one could have Paulo place a couple of those lounges closer to the bluff. Or where high heel wearing females (or males) could stand to admire the view from the edge without their heels sinking in the soil.

Sugar probably misses Mama too. It is just bad form for a feline to show all that affection. Peeing with happiness is best left to dogs.

ed from westwood said...

Here is a crazy one

An ex girlfriend from 1992, her family owns hotels, resturants so money is not really an issue to them.

So her parents had this nice large modern home around 6000 sqft on the ocean in malibu, they bought it in the 80's for 1MM, sold it in 1993 for 2MM, now it is listed for 15MM

All I can say is unbelieveable

None of us saw that one coming.

Anonymous said...

Welcome back Mama!

About this house.. the view is stunning, but how could the owner not be aware that the interior day-core totally sucks?? yeesh.. way to chase them away, if anyone even bothers to look, at $9million for this place. I don't think so.

so_chic_darling said...

there's one piece of furniture that I'm loving and it's the gold leaf oval coffee table with the glass top,very glam.

Alessandra said...

The view is superb and the setback from the road is quite nice. The fact that it is situated on a bluff is ideal because flooding issues make me cringe more than anything else.

Ignoring the decor because the new owners will have their own, hopefully better, taste, my major nitpick is with the room sizes. They all look very narrow and shoe-boxy. Also, if that's a kitchen, someone needs a spanking. I'm sure it's meant to be all sleek and ultra-modern and hide the appliances, but when I'm stumbling about after a few gins, I don't want to have to guess where the fridge and stove are.

I do like the built-in bookcase, however.

sandpiper said...

Please stay with me on appreciating the most basic element of living here, as proudly displayed liscense plate frames testify, my beloved "Malibu is a way of life". Birdview is prime, only trumped by being smack damned on the beach -- yes(!). Point Dume waterfront vistas are highly desired -- period. Babies, trust me, wonderful spots are all over this plannet, but Malibu is special in its own way.

Polly said...

so here is a crazy one


An ex one night stand from 1992,his family owns hot dog carts so money is not really an issue to them.

So his parents had this nice condo in Queens they bought it in the 80's for 25grand and sold it in 1993 for 40grand,and now it's listed for 220grand


All I can say is unbelieveable


None of us saw that one coming

lil' gay boy said...

Railroad car rooms, less than 1700 sq. ft., and a criminal exterior. Not at that asking price, even though the lot itself is fabulous.

The whole thing lacks cohesion; like the owners tried to capture the charm of additions over the years - except none of them are sympathetic to the original house.

The kitchen is mid-line Ikea at best, and the decor horrible, but I'd kept the designer dogs.

" . . . relishes quietly rolling his Thackeray-esque and soo-blime surname . . . "

Mama, you slay me.

Anonymous said...

oh pleeze..........you have hoodwinked yourself Ms. Piper. Humanitarianism is a way of life, Islam is a way of life, Judaism is a way of life but a rocky coastline full of overpriced real estate and self-absorbed rich people with elitist licence plates is no way of life.

sandpiper said...

8:05, Love your hoodwinked theory, but the plastic frame costs little, only to be expounded by the pure and simple fact that Malibu life is a gift. If you lived here it would reqire no further expalination. Hear and feel the wave sets. Experience that, then ask me why. Peace out.

so_chic_darling said...

Helooooooo anon 8.05pm didn't you hear the news it turns out that communism didn't work out so well.

Alessandra said...

Being rich is a perfectly agreeable way of life.

And as much as I might agree with Anon 8:05 about Malibu's pricing per square inch of land space, this particular property is well sited and not bumping its bottom with its neighbor. Therefore, I'd at least consider it. After I tore down the house and built something decent.

Anonymous said...

communism? Who said anything about communism? Chic glasses should be functional and not just ornamental. You use too many ooooos and not enough eyes!

Parker said...

I love the land, the views, the whole feeling of the outside. The living room and bedroom are too claustrophobic, but I'd be happy with the rest of it. The land is the important part. I like the wood deck too.

I'd enjoy being in the room when interested buyers first see the green and white sofas... not quite what one would expect when touring a $9MM house. And really, leather sofas at the beach?? This kind of reminds me of a bowling alley because it's so long and narrow.

lil' gay boy said...

It's almost anti-architecture. Aside from the deck, there is nothing remotely redeeming about this house but the site. It appears to have once been a small and perhaps charming cottage. Now it's just a boil on the landscape; part of the experience of any view is what you're looking out from; in this case it's like peering out of a convenience store in a high-traffic, low-rent strip mall.

I'm with you Alessandra; tear it down; the land alone is worth the price. I too like that it's on a bluff; the views of the ocean are much more expansive and peaceful when viewed from a little altitude.

sandpiper said...

Hi Parker,
Yup! What's iz up with the lime / beige nightmare? Though, the book wall is HOT.

pch said...

I don't like Birdview Avenue at all. A bunch of ugly houses that look, en masse, like an overbuilt Portuguese resort. But I'm gonna give this sliver of a house on its sliver of land the thumbs up for being an actual beach house. I'd naturally want to fiddle with it -- especially the silly interiors and the weirdo additions -- but its modest footprint is a welcome throwback to old Malibu.

Malibu has been a part of my life since I was a wee lad, and I've also lived there full-time as an adult. For people who really connect with the place (I'm not one of them) it really is a way of life. Some think of Malibu as a weekend getaway, some go completely and utterly native. The difference is obvious.

sandpiper said...

PCH, I'll take Malibu on any terms. Took a month to adapt to the ground-pounding waves.
Inland, miss it horribly.

pch said...

See, you went native :)

sandpiper said...

PCH...Yup. Bitter trade-off. Miss it so much even still.

Anonymous said...

Polly your ex owns hotdog stands ?

good for you

StPaulSnowman said...

Sandpiper; What about the name? Doesn't sound Spanish or Indian to me. Malibu......Malibex...Malemu? There must be a bird theme if you love the place so much. Good morning!

bentley said...

Being rich is super, being a communist involves Rolls-Royce's with skis bolted to the front tires.

LGB, the goddamn dogs are mine! The rest of it can go, especially that cave of a bedroom. It's Malibu, for God sake, shouldn't it all be light and billowy, with bamboo floors and Scandinavian minimalism!?

And Sandpiper, if I could bottle that sunset, serve it with a martini, all hot and naked like, and keep it in my pocket all year long, well I'd take that, too :)

Anons 8:05 and 9:something or other, unless you brush your teeth with dirt, feed your children gruel and ride a horse, please don't begrudge any American their lifestyle. Look beyond the borders of this country, take a deep breath, and be very quiet about how many choices of ice cream we have.

Tracy said...

The pavers in the grass made this property easy to find on Google Earth. It's very narrow-- the oceanside photo shows almost the whole width of the house. I think someone took an older house, razed it and built two houses adjacent to each other on the lot. Its proportions remind me of a mobile home. I'm curious to see a floor plan. Even though I find certain aspects of the house appealing I think that overall it is not comfortable.

Anonymous said...

Theres something wrong with the house if it is only $9m. The land is worth that alone.

Grosse Pointe Brat! said...

Welcome back, Mama, we shore did miss y'all and the long bodied bitches...what a dump and after a few years you'd be blocking out that infernal setting sun, might as well burrow into the cliffside in a sod house...tear it down!!! I have a rich uncle who used to have a winter escape ocean front in Fort Lauderdale. They sealed the windows with duct tape and blocked out the sun with black out shades, they didn't like the smell of the sea or all that sun shining in on them...used to...I'm just saying. Them thats got only want more...

Ed From Westwood said...

Here is a crazy one

An ex girlfriend from 1992, her family owns hotels, resturants so money is not really an issue to them.

So her parents had this nice large modern home around 6000 sqft on the ocean in malibu, they caught me trespassing last week and had me thrown in jail. Ten gang members got me in the shower and forced me to have sex with them all.

All I can say is unbelieveably great sex.

Never saw that one coming.

Anonymous said...

Malibu is so boring - no nighclubs, brothels, street walkers. The only fun I have is flashing myself in the park

Anonymous said...

Malibu is so boring - no nighclubs, brothels, street walkers. The only fun I have is flashing myself in the park

WillLDS said...

LGB, you are too funny. Designer dogs. That was the first thing I noticed. I was wondering myself, which came first, the carpet colored dogs or the dog colored carpet? I guess that's what keeps my decor from being chic, my dogs don't match my floor. Of course, that keeps me from stepping on them in the middle of the night.

WillLDS said...

Anon 10:48.

Why would you want to flash yourself in the park? You're supposed to flash OTHER PEOPLE. Four words.... You're doing it wrong!

Anonymous said...

Books as decoration. Do not like.

StPaulSnowman said...

Books as decoration. Do like!

so_chic_darling said...

Books are better than decoration because they are authentic.

Alessandra said...

It appears to be a real collection of books, and books as decoration are fine in my book.

Anonymous said...

Is your book authentic?

Alessandra said...

My book is not only authentic, it's unique.

It also wants to know where my damned Chinese spare ribs are.