Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Jesse Metcalfe Heads for the Hills of Beverly

BUYER: Jesse Metcalfe
LOCATION: N. Beverly Drive, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $2,200,000
SIZE: 3 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: This extraordinary home has been completely remodeled with the finest materials possible. Beautiful hardwood floors, custom cabinetry, hand-hewn tiles, leaded glass windows, and exquisite stonework inside and out. The backyard has a spa with a cascading waterfall, koi pond, built-in barbecue, exotic landscaping and grassy area. A separate guest house w/ its own parking & private yard.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: The hardworking Mister Big Time announced the other day that former cougar screwin' Desperate Housewives gardener Jesse Metcalfe unloaded his Rodgerton Drive house in the Hollywood Hills. Because we like Mister Big Time so much (and we just can't help ourself), we'd like to offer him a friendly assist on the sale price of Mister Metcalfe's crib and some additional information on the sexed up and usually shirtless actor's recent move to the hills of 90210.

From a source we call Jim Nasium, Your Mama learned that the recently rehabbed and meretricious Mister Metcalfe managed to sell his Mediterranean style mini-mansion for it's full asking price of $1,495,000. The children will recall that Your Mama discussed Metcalfe's former digs back in mid-January and we were not entirely complimentary about muscular Mister Metcalfe's mostly misguided day-core.

There was much speculation and snickering about where Mister Metcalfe and his beefy gay porn body might settle once his Hollywood Hills house sold. Some opined that he might move his bubble booty to London where is alleged ladee friend Nadine Coyle lives. Others figured he might be headed back to wherever he came from since his career appeared to nose dive after leaving Desperate Housewives.

But children, according to the Internet Movie Data Base, Mister Metcalfe has actually been quite bizzy making movies. Movies! Which explains why hot stuff was able to move his tighty-whities on up to a new multi-million dollar nest in Beverly Hills. According to the wickedly well informed Lucy Spillerguts, and with the help of Our Fairy Godmother in Beverly Hills, Your Mama has learned that Mister Metcalfe recently forked over $2,200,000 to purchase a freshly renovated 3 bedroom and 2.5 bathroom house with a detached guest house on N. Beverly Drive, a long two lane canyon road lined with homes that could be easily considered uneventful. One snobby Bev Hills type with whom Your Mama is acquainted even hissed at us that N. Beverly Drive is where people live who lust for a 90210 zip code but can't afford the real Beverly Hills. Oh. Ouch.

Property records show Mister Metcalfe's new casa measures in at a modest 2,000 square feet. But what house is 2,000 square feet exactly? We suspect the house is around 2,000 square feet. Listing information for the property indicates the Mediterraean-ish style house includes living and dining rooms, a den, family room, two fireplaces, and a driveway that features a rather upsetting stone inlay of a star, a priceless irony that needs no comment from Your Mama's corner.

Out back, amid the "exotic landscaping," is a built-in barbecue, lovely stone patios which will provide quiet and contemplative spots for Mister Metcalfe to ponder the nothingness. Up the hillside at the back of the property and reached by a curving stone stairway, is a sunken spa where, if inclined, Mister Metcalfe can entertain all the plastic boobed Hollywood hussies who foolishly think fooling around with Mister Metcalfe might actually score them a meeting with someone reasonably important in "The Industry." People are funny, aren't they.

Anyhoo, the interior spaces of this house make Your Mama feel a little queasy, but we're no going to go there in this discussion since the furniture and knick-knacks are not, and we repeat are not the choices of Mister Metcalfe, but rather the previous owner, who is not a celebrity as far as we know.

23 comments:

staging lady with a toyota said...

Back from Nashville and once again ready for a challenge.

What the Fu...rniture said...

Oh Mama...just when I was getting excited your "usually shirtless" link took me nowhere, had to google his tight abs and that malibooty of his.

lucy said...

Maybe it's just the lighting/pictures, but it looks small and dark and cramped.

The landscaping seems just a bit off, too. Can't quite put my finger on it..

alex the sea turtle said...

They say it's for people who want a 90210 zip but can't afford beverly hills cause that area is LA. It's called beverly hills post office because of the zip code but the police fire and all other services are completely LA.

Parker said...

I agree with Lucy. My immediate thought was that I liked it but then I felt claustrophobic a nanosecond later. Doesn't feel like 2000 sq ft.

pch said...

The snobbish attitude to BHPO is completely played out. Place names and zip codes don't really matter to locals. It's the street you're on, and sometimes the block, that really impresses. I'd much rather be on N Beverly Dr (BHPO) than around the corner on that expressway called Coldwater Canyon (City of Beverly Hills for many blocks), where houses sell for similar prices. Plenty of Beverly Hills proper can be had for the same money as plenty of BHPO. So it's time to retire this meme that BHPO is for strivers. (And no I'm not a BHPO resident getting defensive -- I just think it's stupid.)

If someone does buy in BHPO (instead of, say, Beverly Glen) with the express purpose of impressing people with a zip code, it's only going to work on friends and family back in Missouri or wherever. But locals know the difference between N Oakhurst (City) and Beverly Park (BHPO).

alex the sea turtle said...

I hope you don't think I one of those snobs. I don't live in Beverly Hills and have zero interest in it. I live in a very walkable neighborhood on the east boarder. The problem with the somewhat walkable parts of beverly hills are that they are cut through streets for crazy SUV driving snobs.

Anonymous said...

Agreed PCH. I don't live in BHPO either but the negative comments about it are as old and boring as the "Hancock Park is crime-ridden" comments. I suspect both come from people who can't afford either neighborhood.

pch said...

Alex, my man, that wasn't a response to you...I thought your comment was a helpful clarification of what BHPO means.

In actuality, I was annoyed by Mama's contact sniffing at BHPO like someone who bought within the city limits because it was within the city limits. Which is a lame rationale from my perspective.

Anonymous said...

The whole BHPO thing has always bothered me. If someone felt it was necessary to point that out to me, I just shrug my shoulders. Who cares? Is it a nice house? Great. Can I afford it? Probably not. Why must you feel compelled to point out the zip code?

Interesting sidebar. Santa Monica canyon is a very nice area of Santa Monica that one would call SMPO. Shares 90402 with No. of Montana folks, but is considered city of LA for all other services. Their school, Canyon School, is one of the best public schools on the west side and people move mountains to get their kids in there. Goes to show that the zip code doesn't matter, but substance does.

Alessandra said...

I don't like this house at all. In theory, it has plenty of elements that I find attractive (the woodwork, the diamond paned windows, the stone fireplace, the slight Mediterranean feel), but it practice it appears to be dark and cramped, as mentioned previously. Now, I can always add the codicil that it may live far differently than it looks, but simply going on what I see, I'm not impressed.

Anonymous said...

Talk about the screamin' heebiejeebies! - Mama, just the pics of this place made me so claustrophobic I had to take a xanax and wash it down with an early G&T.

sandpiper said...

This house makes me feel depressed, and a bit remorseful about anything negative I've ever said about Mama's other postings. Errr...with the exception of Burt's mess and that (underscored) OC Coto nightmare.

It wouldn't take much to turn it around. Shows so badly from the curb, and the inside is not a happy place, but certainly could be brightened up.

Please pardon my crabbyness.

lil' gay boy said...

Crab away; I concur. It's a cramped, dark, depressing house - I can't imagine how inhospitable the guest house must be.

What was he thinking?

Dean Sheremet said...

He was thinking of me and him in the hot tub and nothing else mattered.

Anonymous said...

just to add to the BH vs BHPO discussion, i read a great article in vanity fair that you guys might be interested in. here's a relevant excerpt, and the link is below.

"Unfortunately, Factor’s house is in Beverly Hills post office. He has a Beverly Hills Zip Code, but lives outside Beverly Hills proper, which meant that when he called 911 it was the L.A.P.D. that responded. Factor says he started calling the L.A.P.D. at about 1:30 a.m. He called a second time, then a third. The police finally came, he says, at about six a.m.
The L.A.P.D. is stretched so thin that only one squad car is assigned to respond to low-priority residential burglary calls for the entire 64-square-mile area that encompasses its beat of West L.A."

http://www.vanityfair.com/culture/features/2005/02/robberies200502

Anonymous said...

Here comes that f/d up article AGAIN?

The article also says Factor's house is on Mulholland in *Laurel Canyon* which is nowhere near BHPO.

Hopefully the writer was fired, the article is chock full of mistakes.

Viva! said...

The only thing that I think is superior about BHPO, in comparison to Bev Hills proper, is the land that's sometimes available. The lots are gracious and the views are divine. Aside from that it's all the same Westside Mini Mansions set in 'jungle' foliage.

I'm for Pacific Palisades, a beautiful neighborhood if there ever was one.

pch said...

Actually, schools and police are a good reason to choose Beverly Hills over Los Angeles, if they're at the top of your must-have list. (Out of sight, out of mind for me...I went away to school from junior high on, and -- knock wood -- I've never had occasion to summon emergency services.) But, from my viewpoint, it's a pro for BH, not a con for BHPO, which is no different than Holmby Hills, Bel-Air, et al in that regard.

property pimp said...

mama, sent you pictures of jesses most frequent house guests, my ex trainer, and one of paulas most recent exes... dante....... i am sure he will be hanging out at the house alot.. hey, beverly drive is cool, takes you up to that great old ex doheny ranch, its like lake arrowhead in bev hills, they filmed the opening of orig andy griffith show, i am sure jesse and dante will run there often....hmm

Anonymous said...

Oh lawd Mama, that young things is hot hot hot and my bushes need some of that green thumbing of his. Lawd Mama, is it getting hot in here or what.

bentley said...

Viva - I've always thought if my family moved west we'd live in the Pacific Palisades. The name alone conjures up great imagery, but I like the varied architecture and the leafy streets. As far as I've seen, it's the closest Southern California gets to the Eastern streets I love so much.

Viva! said...

Bentley,

Pacific Palisades is heaven. You're right, the name alone nails it. Pacific Palisades is like a universe outside LA, leafier than the rest of the Westside without being as far out as Malibu. Pacific Palisades is a COMMUNITY, people know their neighbors. In my view it's one of the more 'real' areas of the Westside.