Monday, January 28, 2008

UPDATE: Olivia Newton John

The children will recall that Australian singer/actor Olivia Newton John's 5 bedroom and 6 bathroom Malee-boo Mediterranean, located up in the guard gated Serra Retreat die-rectly next door to the former love shack of that poor coming apart at the seams Britney Spears and her Fed-ex, recently swept onto the market with a $14,000,000 asking price.

Now puppies, y'all know we loved Miz Newton John looking flawless and ridiculously thin in her shiny black lycra pants in Grease, and of course we loved ev-er-ee-thing about Xanadu. Your Mama even loved her in that crazy leo-tard outfit when she got all Physical on us. (Not to mention all the muscled mens squatting, thrusting, and stretching in their bikini underwear.) But we are not loving the decor, or rather lack of, in Miz Newton John's Malee-boo mansion.

Your Mama loves a down stuffed white sofa as much as the next big-assed couch potato with an unhealthy addiction to candy and reality television. So one might think we'd be in sofa heaven with all Miz Newton John's white divans. But we're not. At all.

The problem, in our ever so humble and meaningless opinion, is not specifically the profusion of white sofas and chairs, but rather that the house looks like no one actually lives in it. It looks dead inside. Perhaps Miz Newton John has already vacated the premises? And if she did, who could blame her? Who could live more than 3 days up in a house with dining room chairs desperate to look like the damn garden?

Although in the main we like the wide lawn and tucked away swimming pool complex, one area of outdoor concern is that crop circle thing in the backyard. Is she asking for all the ETs to land in her back yard?

Otherwise this is a lovely house in a highly desirable location. We'd just love to see some upsettingly rich Hollywood type come in here with a team of nice gay decorators and do the place up in a manner worthy of a $14,000,000 home.

But don't worry Miz Newton John, Your Mama loves you bad decor and all. But seriously gurl, give us a call when you get moved so we can hook you up with someone to work all your white sofas into something spectacular.

20 comments:

lucy said...

Beautiful light in this house.

I think there's a name for that crop circle thingy (Mama, what a great comparison) but it's way too damn early for my brain to wrap around it.

CheekyChops said...

Imagine waking up here after a night of hard liquor (liquor? hardly know her) - hope she has a closet of sunglasses to defuse the glare!

Tracy said...

The "crop circle" looks like a version of the Chartres labyrinth.

bentley said...

While the chairs do look as though a group of bridesmaids rebelled, stripped and hit the pool, the color and light in the dining room is lovely.

The pool looks like an afterthought all shoved up in the corner. Less boring deck, more blue water please.

That's the biggest curtain rod I've ever seen. No room should be sage green. Ever.

Alessandra said...

Am in complete agreement with Mama in regards to the yard, pool and lack of decor. The crop circle thing is almost like a misplaced patio, and it reminds me of a pavilion that is missing its top.

Laura Ashley pukes on the dining room and we weep. As for the white couches, they are simply hideous. Very few homes can get away with a white couch and this is not one of them. I am surprised that she didn't do more with the decor. Mediterranean is so easy in decorating terms and allows for much error before you get to hideous. Apparently, Miz Newton John didn't stop at "go".

Anonymous said...

Does she even live in California any longer? I don't think she has in a while.

pch said...

Bentley, still laughing about the bridesmaids.

As the Nu-Mediterranean look goes, this isn't killing me -- not great, but somehow less obnoxious in hacienda sprawl formation.

But -- and this is key -- who wants to schlep all the way out to a $14 million house in Malibu that doesn't have an ocean view?

look at that dreadful chair said...

No I can't,really I can't.

lil" gay boy said...

Alessandra:

"Laura Ashley pukes on the dining room and we weep." I wet myself.

And Bentley, that bridesmaids remark was spot on. I also like the celery green of the dining room (its only redeeming feature), but as for the other room, the combination of the sage green with those floor tiles is a horror; looks like a morgue waiting room.

And the living room is worse; it looks like the "Captains Lounge" at some Midwest airport - I keep expecting some polyester-clad bimbo to creep through the arches asking, "Another Mimosa, Sir?"

That's not a crop circle, it's the entrance to Pan's Labyrinth, so the guests can escape this mishmash of clashing styles.

Am I the only one who thinks that from the outside this house resembles the Mexican Village at Epcot Center?

Bigdaddyj said...

The conbination of that tile, the white couches and the pea-soup green walls in the middle left picture would make me vomit if I had a headache or was drunk...

bigdaddyj said...

Sorry, that should be "combination" and middle right, LOL - someone needs to read before they click!

lil' gay boy said...

Not to worry bigdaddyj, it was just the effect of seeing that hideous photo; get some aspirin, wash it down with a good single malt and lie down; it will go away, I promise.

Anonymous said...

This used to be Charles and Kim Bronson's house.

Anonymous said...

I believe I saw an interview where that circle thingy in the backyard was built as a tribute to her boyfriend that went "missing" She goes to the circle to think of him and she feels close to him there....something like life comes in full circles.....
Geneen

lil' gay boy said...

The one lost at sea?

I can appreciate the sentiment, but that doesn't keep it from being butt-ass ugly.

Put in a garden; something living to commemorate him with; not a creepy crop circle.

aussie child said...

terracotta tiles are difficult. They need complementary warmth, not contrast. Well blue is ok, but not too much.

Sandlewood said...

Are we not sure the crop thingie is not from "children of the corn"? The little darlings come out at night and frolic in the pool.

Anonymous said...

to all the speculation re: Olivia's home. Yes, she has lived here since 2004 but word is she plans to move back into the colony.


She also owns a lovely retreat near Byron Bay at 933 Farnleigh Rd as well as a small house near the sea.

Anonymous said...

Not a crop circle, it is a Labyrinth, which she has used, as others have said, to "center" herself, find some peace after loss of her boyfriend who went missing. Olivia (and her Labyrinth) are featured in the recent Deepak Chopra DVD (something like "Seven Secrets of Success" ??).
Decore? Yep, i think maybe she didn't spent too much time at that house, being on tour so much these days, and keeping a home in her lovely Australia. If she were full time in "Malee-boo", she'd need the full gay interior decorator thang, CLEARLY ;-) Said with much love-- Livvy rules!

mens sheer underwear said...

"Not to mention all the muscled mens squatting, thrusting, and stretching in their bikini underwear." haha seriously, not to mention!

oh and before i leave: a $14,000,000 asking price.???? umm isnt that alittle cheap? as in a dolce&gabanna dress cheap???