Deep in the Heart of Phil Romano's Dallas Mansion

SELLER: Phil Romano
LOCATION: Strait Lane, Dallas, TX
PRICE: $17,500,000
SIZE: 14,748 square feet, 8 bedrooms, 7 full and 4 half bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: This spectacular contemporary estate is situated on exclusive Strait Lane on a 4.697-acre gated estate with breathtaking views of a private lake with fountains and waterfalls flowing down to a creek, a jogging trail, tennis court, resort-like pool, and scenic grounds. Additional features: Guest Quarters, Handicap Amenities, Lake Front Lot, Library/Study, Media Room.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Alright children, Your Mama is going to bring y'all one more house of scratch out your eyes upsetting interior decor before we begin the New Year. Now puppies, this one is a doozy, so hurry and gitchyer nerve medication or your big bottle of booze or whatever else will prop you up as we wade through this decorating disaster deep in the heart of Texas.

They say everything is bigger in Texas, and trust Your Mama children, it is. We have been there, done that and seen just how big it can really be. And real estate is no exception to this old adage about the Lone Star State. This Texas-sized contemporary mansion occupies nearly five acres on Strait Lane in a swanky section of Dallas and belongs to Phil Romano, a well known restaurateur who mints money creating and developing mid-priced concept and themed restaurant chains including Fuddruckers, eatZi's (now nearly defunct), and Romano's Macaroni Grill.

According to public records, Mister Romano purchased the 4.7 acre property in February of 2000 for $4,535,300. Records provided to Your Mama by Texas's own Billy Blabbermouth indicate the current residence was built in 2001 and measures a Texas sized 14,748 square feet. Listing information for the property reveals a few other big numbers associated with the house: 8 bedrooms, 7 full and 4 half bathrooms (which adds up to enough damn terlits to require a part time gurl just to scrub all the bowls), 5 fireplaces, a 4 car garage, and a tremendous temperature controlled wine cellar large enough to satisfy any well to do winos oenophilic needs.

Accessed down a long and purdy tree lined driveway that terminates in a large circular motor court, the copper roofed Romano residence overlooks a small man made lake complete with the sort of fountain that only very rich people install in their back yard lakes. The estate features a tennis court at the front of the property, a large swimming pool complex with cabana, and a 1,204 square foot detached building that property records indicate are staff quarters. For all those amenities, property records reveal that the new owners can expect a staggering $180,000+ bill from the tax man each year.

Now children, Your Mama has looked hard at the photos of the interiors of this house. In fact, we have looked really damn HARD. We have tried and we have endeavored, but alas and with all do respect to the Romanos, we simply have nothing nice to say about what we see. Not. One. Thing.

It appears to Your Mama that the Romano's rather unwisely and unfortunately hired whichever person or company that is responsible for the interiors of Fuddruckers or one of the other money making chain restaurants Mister Romano created. And therein lies the crux of the interior decorating issues. Quite simply, a $17,500,000 home should never look like a mid-priced themed restaurant in some middle brow mall in Peoria, or Tallahassee or Dallas. Ever.

The "decorator" must have finagled some kid of steep discount on leather furniture and those alabaster bowl chandelier things. Your Mama is so troubled by all the leather seating groups and seeing that same fixture in just about every damn room that we are nearly speechless. Who does that? Who? Okay, so people who don't have the financial wherewithal to hire a high priced decorator might do it if the fixture is on sale at Home Despot, but it's just criminal for someone of Mister Romano's financial stature to allow this to have been down in his multi-million dollar home.

Your Mama does not even know how to begin to make sense of the kitchen with that horrific abstract pattern painted on the wood ceiling. What's left to say about his room except that Your Mama fully expected to see a overweight family of o-beasts in matching sweat suits chowing down on one-pound bacon cheddar burgers, milkshakes and a few baskets of chili cheese fries.

Up in the Master bedroom we are concerned about the wrath of PETA and we are perplexed and puzzled by that yellow lighted strip thing mid-way up the wall. A large and well equipped dressing room and closet is dee-voon of course. But a giant two floor dressing room fitted out with (more) leather furniture, another alabaster bowl chandelier thing looing like a not very elegant haberdashery in Milan, not so much.

Even with the help a big fat sleeping pill, Your Mama could never get a moments rest in a house like this. However Mister Romano and his family sleep well on Strait Lane secure in the knowledge their neighbors possess similar sized bank accounts including billionaire Kenny Troutt (Excel Communications), former loud-mouthed billionaire politico Ross Perot, and Ralph and Cathy Oats, who made boo-coo bucks selling water filters and Ephedra based weight loss supplements and currently live in a house that looks like a scaled down model of the damn White House. Now that's klassy.

Your Mama is not too familiar with the luxury real estate market in Dallas so we haven't any clue if $17,500,000 is a decent price for this house or not. Perhaps all your Texas real estate freaks can weigh in on that. In the meantime, Your Mama wishes Mister Romano and family a Happy New Year and we sincerely hope they make their New Year's resolution not to hire a restaurant designer to do up their next mansion.

Ryan Seacrest's Redo in Nichols Canyon

BUYER: Ryan Seacrest
SELLER: Kevin Costner
LOCATION: Nichols Canyon Road, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $11,500,00 (sale)
SIZE: 8,172 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Say what you will regarding the much speculated about sexual ambiguity of the frosted, fake tanned and well frocked Mister Ryan Seacrest, but he's richer than the damn Pope and he recently completed a pricey and full scale re-decorative redo of the natty Nichols Canyon casa he purchased in April of 2006 from smug (and formerly sexy) Oscar winning actor Keven Costner.

Chill out children, Your Mama is well aware that this purchase is O.L.D. in the world of celebrity real estate, but given that Mister Seacrest recently debuted his overhauled Spanish style crib in the shiny pages of Architectural Digest, Your Mama thought that all the children who do not take the time read or spend the money on fussy interior decoration glossies might like a peek into the metrosexual hunny's private lair high in the hills above the Hollywood world in which he has inexplicably become a major player.

For the privilege of living in Kevin Costner's sloppy real estate seconds, the manicured Mister Seacrest reportedly outbid pop diva Gwen Stafani, and property records reveal the toothy radio host dumped $11,500,000 for the gated flag lot parcel that includes a 5 bedroom and 4 bathroom, 8,172 square foot main house with a glammy motor court sitting at the end of a long celebrity style driveway. There is plenty of garage space for Mister Seacrest's pimped out whips, a tennis court with a long view over Los Angeles, staff quarters, a gym (natch), and a gorgeous swimming pool (not pictured) perfectly sunk into a swath of deep green grass as well tended as Your Mama reluctantly imagines Mister Seacrest's nether regions and naughty bits to be.

According to the January 2008 article in Architectural Digest (you must subscribe to read it online puppies), the house, dubbed Casa di Pace, was worked over by well known interior designer Jeff Andrews, whose website quotes Mister Seacrest as saying, "He understood the feeling of peace I wanted to capture in my home. The house now feels timeless due to his ability to clearly capture and execute MY vision." (Emphasis added by Your Mama.) So it would seem to Your Mama that what you are really looking at up there in the photos children, is Mister Seacrest's own interior design "vision" made manifest by a well paid shopper and fluffer.

Now children, quite frankly Your Mama does not care which way Mister Manicure swings and it is certainly none of our beeswax, but the man shops like Katie Holmes, primps like Miss America, works and colors his hair like nobody's bizness, guides his very accomplished decorator and still he wonders why the world thinks he might be friend of Dorothy? Puh-leeze!

And just what does Your Mama think of Mister Seacrest's House of Peace? Well, children, it's certainly decorated, isn't it? While it's all a little fussy for Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter, the interior spaces have a cozy and intimate feeling and a nicely considered and muted palette–except for that not very nice burgundy color in the entrance rotunda which we're not feeling very positive about. Truckloads of mammoth carved wood furniture have been paired with velvet this and leather thats in an effort to create that unique brand of interior decorating "masculinity" that can only be achieved with the deft hands of a professional (and most likely nice gay) decorator and the fat bank account of a sexually ambiguous single man. Yes children, it's lovely, comfortable and "masculine," but it's also about as butch as Mister Seacrest.

Now that Mister Seacrest has allowed the world into his home via Architectural Digest, Your Mama wonders if he's considering selling the place. It has been our experience that celebs and quasi celebs who allow the glossies and tabs into their home for extensive photo shoots often put their houses on the market shortly thereafter. We'll see. But until such time arrives that Mister Seacrest decides to move and and execute his decorating vision somewhere else, Your Mama wishes him heaps of pace in his casa.

P.S. Gurl, call Your Mama because we need to get you and your house up on the television show we have in development.

UPDATE: 50 Cent Gets Motivated To Sell

Filthy rich rapper 50 Cent has become a motivated seller serious about unloading his 17.6 acre estate with it's grotesquely humongous 51,000 (approx.) square foot mega mansion that once belonged to bird brained boxer Mike Tyson. Y'all surely know by now that Your Mama thinks this place, located in the unlikely wilds of Farmington, CT, looks like a damn Ramada Inn on the exterior and is so big on the inside that it simply does not matter what it looks like, it's just too damn big to be comfortable.

Mister 50 Cent purchased the place in September of 2003 for $4,100,000 and claims to have put in millions more freshening up the interiors. However, Your Mama would like to point out that the shot full of holes singing sensation didn't even bother to buy new dining room chairs to replace the ones left by girly voiced boxer Mike Tyson. So just where did these millions go?

Mister 50 Cent, a man who reportedly earned $100,000,000 from a very savvy investment in Vitamin Water, originally put the property on the market for $18,500,000, an unrealistic and ego driven price tag if we've ever seen one. The house was advertised in all the glossy real estate magazines and was much discussed by all the real estate gossips. But alas...no one seemed eager to cough up that kind of cash to own their own motel sized mansion.

So Mister 50 Cent got creative and had the MTV come and do a special Cribs episode highlighting the house, a television event that quite frankly just highlighted the insane bluster and arrogance required to ask nearly $20,000,000 for an ass uglee house in a part of Connecticut not known for $20,000,000 houses. Now people of Farmington, Your Mama has nutthin' negative to say about your little neck of the woods, we're simply stating that your corner of the world isn't where one thinks of ridiculously rich tycoons shacking up.

Apparently no one stepped up after that piece of dramatic television history and now, thanks to our doom and gloom commenter Average Joe, Your Mama has learned that Mister 50 Cent has drastically reduced the asking price of the property that in addition to 19 bedrooms and 30+ terlits (19 full and 16 half, reportedly) includes six kitchens, a 3,500 square foot disco, a Gucci pool room, and a indoor shooting range, all features Your Mama would never recommend in a private home because they're stoopid.

Anyhoo, the update here is that the price of the home has dipped all the way down to $12,000,000, and it appears the house is now listed with an Atlanta, GA based company called Greenmark Investments who have laid out very specific rules and instructions for how to purchase Mister 50 Cent's Connecticut crib.

See if you can follow: According to Greenmark's website, in order to purchase Mister 50 Cent's property, a potential buyer must show proof of funds (this is not so unusual in this price range), all offers must be submitted in writing and signed by the buyers BEFORE VIEWING the property, 10% of the purchase price is to be escrowed with, now pay attention here kids because this is the good part, with 1% of the purchase price to be escrowed BEFORE VIEWING the property, and 30% of that deposit is non refundable. Yes puppies, you read that correctly, we said non-re-fund-a-bull.

Do the math kids, that means that it costs $40,000 just to VIEW Mister 50 Cents monstrous manse. That ought to separate the wheat from the looky-loos and curious cats.

Greenmark's website goes on to say that a buyer will have two weeks to perform due diligence and at the time of (sale) contract signing, the remainder of the down payment is due with no contingencies.

There ain't no messing around here. So listen puppies, if any of you out there with a few million to spare and an eye for funereal drapery, private lakes, indoor swimming pools and quirky ownership provenances, be sure to get with these folks from Greenmark. But just keep in mind they are not fooling around with any body's emaciated bank account or second thoughts about purchasing.

As they say in the bizness, there's a lid for every pot, and it only takes the right price to flush out the right buyer. Perhaps at $12,00,000, Mister 50 Cent can do that. What do you think?

Coupla More Updates...

...Your Mama is getting back logged with items, so this afternoon we've decided to simplify our bizzy life and toss out a few updates in one fell swoop.

1.
The Newsday Gurls are reporting that the 2.1 acre (or 1.9 acre according to Newsday) Southampton estate of the late Patricia Kennedy Lawford finally sold for $9,800,000. Your Mama discussed the society maven's 10,467 square foot house on fancy First Neck Lane back in late April 2007 when it was on the market for $12,500,000. Your Mama does not have an iota who owns the limited liability company who plunked down nearly 10 million clams for the 10 bedroom and 12 bathroom house that Your Mama was told is a fixer, and if the Newsday gurls know who bought it, they certainly aren't telling Your Mama.

2.
Former Guns and Roses gee-tarist Slash has finally unloaded a Hollywood Hills house that he bought during the reported dissolution of his marriage to a ladee named Perla. Mister Slash purchased the Wattles Drive house in December of 2005 for $6,250,000 and quickly put the 5 bedroom and 6 bathroom house back on the market for $6,995,000. The property sat and sat and sat until Mister Slash filed a million dollar lawsuit against his real estate agent whom he claims misrepresented particulars about the house including size and the number of cars that can be parked on the property or some such nonsense.

Anyhoo, the price was steadily dropped to $5,995,000 and according to Mister Big Time, the house was finally (FINALLY!) purchased for an undisclosed sum of money by Randy Wolf, a relief pitcher for the San Diego Padres. Whatever price the ball player paid, it's quite safe to assume Mister Slash lost hundreds of thousands of dollars on his real estate gamble on Wattles Drive.

Mister Big Time announced that Mister and Missus Slash also unloaded their long time Sherman Oaks home on Valley Vista Boulevard. Your Mama will have more for the children on that transaction later.

3.
Thank whatever Jeezis you pray to that Eddie Murphy's ex-wife and baby momma Nicole Murphy has finally unloaded the Sacramento area estate she once shared with the filthy rich funny man who has more babies with more mommas than Your Mama can bother to count anymore. If you'll recall, the ex-Mrs. Murphy recently ran into a little trouble with the lender on the property, and while foreclosure proceedings did not commence, the bank was mad as a bee in a jar to get the $78,000 that was in arrears.

That little bother of matter must have been cleared up because thanks to B.S. Beaverman (via LuxuryRealEstate.com), Your Mama has learned that the mother of five sold the 11,158 square foot pile of vile to a Nevada real estate investor. The records Your Mama accessed reveal that the buyer is a man with the last name of Willis who paid $6,100,000 for 2.5 acre property that includes a 5,200 square foot guest house.

The house was purchased by the then married Murphys in 1998 for $3,825,000. Located in the exclusive gated community of Los Lagos in the unincorporated area called Granite Bay, the house features 10 bedrooms (including Shrek and French-village themed children's rooms which Your Mama is feels certain are just horrendous), 14 bathrooms, a 12 seat movie theater, 12 car garage, video arcade parlor, gym, swimming pool and a tennis court. LuxuryRealEstate.com reports that the sale included most of the furnishings including at least 20 televisions and $200,000 grand piano.

It was the always resourceful and on top of things Mister Big Time that first posted photos of the house, and children, they are worth seeing. But hunnies, grab a vomit bag before you click over because they are really something to behold.

UPDATE: Ricky Martin's Flip

A kind and benevolent Floridian recently sent Your Mama a small cache of photographs of the Golden Beach, FL house that Puerto Rican pop phenom Ricky Martin has on the market for an astonishing $22,500,000.

If they put on their thinking caps, the children will recall that Your Mama first discussed the 9,882 square foot Ocean Boulevard property in early December when the ocean front property first hit the market. Property records reveal that the chisel chested cantante scooped up the 5 bedroom and 7 bathroom Mediterranean style house in April of 2007 for $16,250,000, and according to a source who claims to have been up in his casa, the estate is undergoing "mild renovations." These tweaks and fixes clearly include having a nice gay decorator get up in there to stage the place with clean lined moe-derne furniture that includes a creamy colored velvet sofa, a trio of shiny silk pillows, a cute little Saarinan side table and some West Elm-ish chairs in the kitchen with its lovely brick barrel vaulted ceiling.

Obviously there is no "life" in this staged decor, but as far as staging goes, it's far and above what Your Mama sees much of the time. At least there isn't a damn chenille lap blanket tossed across an ottoman, or even worse, a tawdry little tableau on the coffee table of an open book and reading glasses that make a house look post-apocalyptic and deeply sad to Your Mama. Clearly this is not the upsetting handiwork of Staging Girl in a Toyota–no offense gurl, and congrats on your new pink Toyota, but this is all a bit more restrained than your work.

Now puppies, if any of you screaming teenage gurls or horny homosexuals think you are going to parade up and down the soft sands of Golden Beach thinking you might catch a glimpse of Mister Martin's bikini clad bubble booty frolicking by the ocean side swimming pool, yer wrong. And yer stoopid too. Not only would that make you creepy, no one, and Your Mama means no-bodee-at-all, actually thinks Mister Martin shacks up in this house. It appears that the savvy real estate investor simply plans to flip the property and pocket a few million bucks for his troubles.

As for his whereabouts, well children, Your Mama has not heard from Mister Martin in a stone age and we can only assume he's camped out in one of his many other residences which include a Miami Beach mansion on N. Bay Road, a sophisticated pied a terre at the super chic 40 Bond in Manhattan, and a big house in Dorado in his native Puerto Rico.

Peter Guber's Hawaiian Tara Plantation

SELLER: Peter and Tara Guber
LOCATION: Papa'a Road, Anahola, Kauai, HI
PRICE: $46,500,000
SIZE: 171 acres, 15,000 square feet, 6 bedrooms, 8.5 bathrooms (main house)
DESCRIPTION: ...Enter your gated compound and lazily drive down a country road to your spacious 15,000 square foot classic Hawaiian style main home with two 4,000 square foot guest bungalows all of which have been tastefully furnished by the famous California designer Waldo Fernandez. The main home has 6 bedrooms and 8.5 bathroom with his and her private living rooms. Exceptional wood finishes, a professional kitchen, and generous ocean view lanais allow for easy island living. A swimming pool, beach cabana, yoga studio, a 3 bedroom caretakers home, horse stables, numerous fenced corrals, super large workshop and barns add to this perfect estate...

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: When Christmas comes, heaps and scores of rich and famous folks head for the islands, and according to one Hawaii bound source we'll all The Wicked Wahine, many pack their teeny bikinis and bee line for the island of Kauai where they shack up in fabulous estates and resorts around Kilauea on the rugged northeastern coast. Before she jetted off to her own ocean front rental, The Wicked Wahine whispered to Your Mama that this year the island locals can expect to wait hand and foot on such Hollywood luminaries as Ben and Christine Stiller, prolific novelist and television writer Michael Crichton, former Bond stud Pierce and wifey Kelly Brosnan, the Beastie Boys, and Sex and The City's "milk it for all she can" Sarah Jessica Parker, her Broadway baby huzband Matthew Broderick and their boy child.

And of course, the entire island of Kauai knows to expect fabulously rich producer Peter Guber and his yoga nut wifey Tara, who have spent the last several years trying to unload their massive Papa'a Bay Road estate called Tara Plantation for a blistering $46,500,000.

Mister and Missus Guber bought the 171 acre spread in 1998 for a reported $7,200,000 and proceeded to build their own version of a Hawaiian heaven that overlooks Papa'a Bay. The vast estate includes everything a media mogul might want or need for a few weeks winter getaway, including a monstrous 15,000 square foot plantation style main house with wide verandas and boatloads of bamboo furniture and flower printed fabrics. Although the main house provides 6 bedrooms and 8.5 bathrooms (including dual master baths and, strangely, his and her private living rooms in the master suite), two 4,000 square foot guest houses ensure the Gubers are not peeved by pesky holiday house guests who might fornicate and/or snore loudly in the guest bedrooms of the main house.

Anyone who is familiar with or has bothered to read anything about the Gubers know they were doing the downward facing dog and the warrior pose long before Yoga became ridiculously trendy with the Hollywood set. Missus Guber is such a devotee that she has developed her own somewhat sensual practice called Contact Yoga, where couples contort and pretzel each other into upsetting and uncomfortable looking shapes and poses. So naturally, Tara Plantation features a Yoga House where the Gubers and their guests can get centered and get in touch with their chakras before dressing up in their grass skirts and downing a few pitchers of mai-tais.

The Guber's getaway also features riding stables for the horsey house guests, a tennis court for the sporteef minded moochers, a long stretch of gorgeous sandy beach for those few in LaLa land who tan the old fashioned way, and naturally, a swimming pool is provided for all those fraidy-cat weekend whiners who won't swim in the bathtub warm waters of Papa'a Bay.

The Gubers have been trying to unload their impressive piece of Polynesian paradise for years, and Your Mama is hardly the first to discuss their lush and dee-luxe property. Not only was the high priced hideaway once (but no longer) near the top the list of the world's most expensive homes, much ink has been laid down over the long and bitter battle waged between the meditating magnates and local surfers and activists who were all kinds of pissed when the Gubers blocked an access road to the beach that ran across their property.

Oh lawhd have mercy children, the Hawaiian locals do NOT take kindly to some rich Hollywood haole cutting off their access to the waves. Oh no. As The Wicked Wahine explains it, "The local surfing rights never get fucked with," and in true American style, lawsuits were filed, much bitching and moaning ensued, and it all ended in Federal Court. Recent reports indicate that the Gubers won the war when the judge ruled the Gubers do indeed have clear title to the land, including the disputed roadway. Which of course means they're free and legal to prevent surfboard toting beach goers from trekking across their back lawn to get to the beach. Luckily for the locals, there is another access point to that particular beach, however it reportedly involves a potentially dangerous climb over slippery rocks.

Anyhoo, now that the lawsuits have been put to bed, perhaps a fabulously rich tycoon with a thing for swaying palm trees and extreme privacy will now feel free to scoop the place up for it's $46,500,000 asking price. As an added bonus to security conscious millionaires, Your Mama hears through the gossip grapevine that that the whole place is wired up like Fort Knox and that a super security system allows Mister Guber to know when a terlit flushes in Kauai while ensconced in the couples sprawling home base in Los Angeles, which sits privately and perfectly up behind the exclusive Hotel Bel Air.

So that the children get a full spectrum idea of the Guber's vast real estate wealth, in 2004 the Gubers divested themselves of another mammoth weekend ranch located just 10 minutes outside Aspen, the searingly expensive winter celebrity haven where gals like Mariah and Goldie strut the streets in full length fur coats and the airport is forever clogged with the shiny Gulfstream 550s of tycoons and honchos of all stripes. The karmic couple took in a reported $46,000,000 when they sold their 650 acre Mandalay Ranch, which included a 15,000 square foot main house with 7 bedrooms and 7.5 bathrooms, a screening room and an indoor gym and basketball court.

Your Mama is breathless thinking of the vast amount of money required to maintain a home of this scale and magnitude in Hawaii. Certainly it costs more each year to keep this place afloat than most of the well earning children make in a year. So y'all just think about that while Your Mama hooks ourself up to the oxygen tank, takes some nerve medication, and breathes.

Double Whammy (2): Amanda Peet Buys House

BUYER: Amanda Peet and David Benioff
LOCATION: N. Wetherly Drive, Los Angles, CA
PRICE: $4,625,000
SIZE: 4,340 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 4.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Dramatic double gated circular driveway Mediterranean on lush estate-sized lot. The former James Cagney residence has been restored to its original splendor. Period details combined with updated fixtures and finishes make this a true trophy property. Resort-style pool and spa. Detached bonus space as office, garage, gym.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Thanks to a friendly and well connected tipster we'll call Junebug, Your Mama has learned that even before Miz Amanda Peet and her screenwriter huzband David Benioff sold their Angelo View Drive house high above Holmby Hills, they purchased the former James Cagney estate above Sunset Boulevard on N. Wetherly drive that happens to sit die-reckly across the street from the house that child actor turned race car drive turned Hollywood "thug" Frankie Muniz has on the market for nearly four million clams.

The fall of 2006 was surely a bizzy and stressful time for Columbia educated Miz Peet and Mister Benioff who learned they were preggers, unwed (but affianced), and living up in a 2 bedroom house that would not easily accommodate a nanny, not to mention the in-laws in town to visit the unexpected bundle of joy. So lickety-split-like they got hitched at the end of September and then bought a 4 bedroom 4.5 bathroom family friendly house at the end of November for which property records reveal they paid an impressive $4,625,046.

Before any of you lefty liberals jump down Your Mama's throat about our perceived moralizing about the couple getting baby before getting married, back off. We got not issue with that sort of thing. People do what they do and frankly, we don't give a rat's ass if they had 12 damn children and remained unmarried just as long as they took the necessary steps to protect the children's health and well-being.

Anyhoo, the Mediterranean style house sits privately and securely behind gates on N. Wetherly Drive and once belonged to vaunted and Academy Award winning actor James Cagney. In addition to the living and dining room, kitchen with breakfast area and pantry, den, family room, and library/study, listing information for the property indicates that a detached building at the back of the property houses a garage and space for an office and/or gym.

Overhead views of the house indicate that solar panels have been affixed to the roof, which impresses Your Mama greatly. With all the sunshine and money in Los Angeles we are perpetually flummoxed by how few people actually install these sorts of energy friendly apparatuses. We well understand that someone who can pay upwards of $4,500,000 for a home can certainly afford high heating and air conditioning bills without worry. However, it's really not about affordability, but rather what makes sense over the long haul. Yes children, Your Mama wants to know, why aren't the rich and famous in Los Angeles leading the charge towards kitting ones house with alternative forms of energy generation? They all bought Prius hybrid cars to park next to their SUVs, so why not solar power?

Please keep in mind that the uninspired interiors in the photos do not belong to the Peet/Benioffs, but rather the previous owner, who records indicate was writer and poker fanatic Andy Bellin (Poker Nation). So we'll not bother to heave over that obscene coffee table in the living room assuming that it was hauled off to the dumpster long before Miz Peet and Mister Benioff moved in.

Although we haven't got any use for those disturbing faux "Mediterranean" style tract houses built all over Orange County, all the children surely know by know that Your Mama is partial to a well done old-school Mediterranean manse and this one seem to fit the bill with its tiled roof, second floor balconies and decorative iron work. Not unlike the Peet/Benioffs previous contemporary home, this place is not quite right, but with a few tweaks, twists and clever landscaping, Your Mama imagines this property could be a real stunner. We also like to think Miz Peet hired herself a nice gay decorator to go in there and slice and dice the interiors as well as successfully merge the vintage architectural details with the contemporary interiors we saw in their Angelo View Drive home.

The long narrow backyard is bordered by tall trees for privacy and terminates in a deelishus swimming pool/spa combination that sits far enough from the main house to inspire images of scantily clad pool boys delivering drinks and nibbles to nekkid sunbathers. It is also perfectly placed away from the house for installing one of those child safety fences that folks with young kiddies are so fond. We just hope and pray that Miz Peet will not allow one of those horrendous and deeply disturbing removable pool fences that just make Your Mama dee-pressed and angry.

Now then, Your Mama wishes Miz Peet and Mister Benioff a happy home and a Happy New Year in their not so new home.

Double Whammy (1): Amanda Peet Sells House

SELLER: Amanda Peet and David Benioff
LOCATION: Angelo View Drive, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $2,300,000 (sale)
SIZE: 2,432 square feet, 2 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Enter through the front doors to find a sunken living room with a stone fire place, walls of glass and head-on downtown city views. This prime cul-de-sac location offers the perfect one story modern with a pool overlooking oak trees. Chef's kitchen with all top of the line appliances, a full bar area that services the living room and cozy den. Large master suite with great walk in closet.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Since the real estate bizness often slows down to a trickle, and even grinds to a halt for many over the December holidays, Your Mama plans to pepper our discussions over the next week or two with some older celebrity real estate deals, including this Double Whammy for ack-triss Amanda Peet and her screenwriter huzband David Benioff that went down back in February of 2007.

Now listen folks, Your Mama does not want all you super successful brokers writing, calling and commenting that it's a fallacy that that bizness slows down at the end of December because you sealed a $10,000,000 deal over egg nog on Christmas damn Eve. We know all about holiday deals. However, most folks are not eager to sign on the real estate dotted line while their attorney is in Snowmass and their banker is in Switzerland shushing down a foreign slope.

So the average brokers, those who do not typically write offers or negotiate deals the last few weeks of December, simply drink themselves silly over the holidays and wait for the New Year to begin when people once again become serious about buying, selling and making deals. Besides, let's be honest, who wants to look at a house with an elaborate creche on the front lawn and all that moronic Christmas tchachke covering every flat surface?

Anyhoo, let's get back to the Angelo View Drive house way up in the Bev Hills Post Office that Miz Peet and Mister Benioff recently traded in for a bigger, better and more family friendly house in the Hollywood Hills.

Property records reveal that Mister Benioff purchased the 2,432 square foot, 2 bedroom and 2.5 bathroom house in May of 1999 for $850,000. Your Mama wondered where young Mister Benioff might have had the financial wherewithal to purchase a home in this price range when he was just in his late twenties and did not yet have any credits in the film and/or television industry. Well, a little research on the IMDB tells us that Mister Benioff (birth name Friedman) has a very rich father who happens to be pals with our dear leader President Bush. Now, Your Mama does not know shit about whether Mister Benioff's father had anything to do with this purchase, we're just saying it don't hurt to have a daddy with a fat bank account, does it? Since buying this house, Mister Benioff has gone on to a respectable and well paying career writing movies including 25th Hour, Troy, and the soon to be released The Kite Runner, a gripping and soo-blimely written book Your Mama only hopes Mister Benioff did justice.

Your Mama has to confess to a little something about this Peet gurl. We know she's a pretty and bonified celebrity and she owns a resume a mile long with scads of film and television credits. But seriously kids, Your Mama could not pick her out of a crowd if our next gin and tonic depended on it. We certainly don't mean any disrespect to Miz Peet, we really don't. But hunny, we just cain't put a face to your name without googling you first.

We digress. The single story contemporary house with it's sunken living room and kidney shaped swimming pool please Your Mama quite a bit. Yes children, we recognize that the interiors would have benefited greatly from the deft and savvy hand of a nice gay decorator, and like many of you, Your Mama thinks a mammoth and nicely worn Oriental rug with a complicated pattern and a red and black color base would look smart in the living room. We're also furrow browed over that pair of faux-looking Wassily chairs in the living room. None the less, there's nothing particularly offensive about what we're looking at...it just needs some editing and punching up.

Onto the exterior where Your Mama is fine with the somewhat brutal 1980s-ish rectilinear modern rear elevations. We're calm if not thrilled with the with the dark window frames and we can tolerate the smooth grey concrete surrounding the pool as long as it's kept in impeccable condition. We are however, somewhat unnerved by the front facade which not only looks like a crappy house in Palm Springs, but the inexcusably banal landscaping surely has the neighbors in a snit. We're also puzzled and somewhat upset by those louver things that have been affixed to the front of the house. Are these for texture? Do they provide a kind of privacy screening for windows behind them? Whatever the case, we're certain a good architect (and probably a nice gay decorator worth his Prada shooz) could come up with a better solution if given two minutes and ten dollars.

But don't let our sass and snark fool you. Your Mama actually likes this house, we just thinks it needs some tightening of the screws to bring out it's full potential as a living space.

The former Peet/Benioff house may only be in the Bev Hills post office children, but it's at least in good real estate company sitting just a few doors down from one of the many mansions owned by media magnate Rupert Murdoch, around the corner from wacky Jim Goldstein's shockingly futuristic Lautner designed tour de force, and is also spitting distance from the Davies Drive house perky nippled and ladee loving Ricky Martin sold in May of 2006 for $15,000,000. Yes children, as an aside, Your Mama has recently heard from several well connected sources who have been all up in Ricky's bizness, and they swear on their mamas that metrosexual Mister Martin is indeed a boob man. We're sure some of you have something to say about that.

But we digress yet again. Interestingly, the Angelo View Drive house appears to have been flipped by the folks who purchased the house from the Benioff/Peets in March of 2007 for $2,300,000. Records on file with the county show another sale in May of 2007 for $2,660,026. Not sure if that's because of buyer's remorse or if some real estate devil simply made a quick six figure return on their investment. Hmm. Anyone? What Your Mama really wants to know is what kind of fool pays $360,000 more for a house that sold previously just two month earlier? Honestly.

Next up, Your Mama performs a double whammy with information and photos of the Hollywood Hills house where Miz Peet and Mister Benioff have recently set up house with their new baby.

Light the lights...

Happy Holidays children! Happy belated Channukah! Happy Kwanzaa! Happy Christmas! Or whatever else you celebrate or don't celebrate this time of year.

Your Mama has parties to attend, presents to open from the always generous Dr. Cooter, gifts to wrap for our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly, a mean ol' pussy cat named Sugar to make nice-nice with, and friends and family to feel all warm and fuzzy about.

Now get off the damn computer and go be with your people and leave Your Mama alone for a day or two while we get our holiday on without you people fussing and fighting like dimwitted and boozed up buffoons in a tawdry little roadside bar trying to woo the big boobed lezbeeun barmaid.

Photo: Casa Sugar

The Hilton's Filthy Hamptons Hideaway

Your Mama has been using this holiday season to catch up on some back reading, and we were stopped dead in our tracks while perusing an article entitled Moms Gone Wild in the always educational and amusing glossy Vanity Fair. The article discusses the mothers of several of America's most notorious celebutards and starvelets including Miz Kathy Hilton, the proud mama of Paris the heiress and Nicki the handbag designer. The article also naughtily dishes about the cleanliness of Miz Hilton's house in the Hamptons, and of course, it's the real estate side of the story that interests Your Mama.

In addition to their spread at the Waldorf Astoria in New York and their Bel Air estate which sits catty-corner to Nic Cage's ivy covered behemoth on Copa de Oro Road, Rick and Kathy Hilton also own a Hamptons hideaway which property records reveal they bought in 1999 for $2,385,000. The house features 7 bedrooms and 7.5 bathrooms, a swimming pool, high hedges, and sits just a quick dash on a Schwinn from the famously gay beach at the bottom of Fowlers Lane.

Located on Fordune Drive in Water Mill (adjacent to Southampton), the Hilton estate occupies 2.7 acres in the gated enclave of Fordune, on land that was once part of the 235-acre Henry Ford II estate. The Ford estate, called Fordune, natch, was subdivided into approx. 40 estate sized parcels by an Italian businessman who purchased the entire estate from Ford's ex-wife Anne in 1975 for the bargain basement price of $1,800,000.

Everyone who has ever been to the Hamptons or reads anything about Hamptons real estate knows that the Hilton family often leases their shingled house, and last year they reportedly pocketed approximately $350,000 for the summer season, which by Your Mama's fuzzy math would cover the year's expenses and leave just a wee bit extra left over for a new suit for the Mister Hilton to wear when he's showing all those pricey mansions in Los Angeles.

However, what the Vanity Fair article so scandalously reveals is not that the Hiltons do indeed lease their house, plenty of rich and famous do that in the Hamptons, it's that according to an insider who has been INSIDE the Hilton's Hamptons house, it's filthy. Fil-thee!

Apparently, last summer's renters were mortified to find the house in shabby condition and Vanity Fair's wealthy New York based source hisses, "This house was left exactly the way it was when the renters saw it in November. Everything in it is moldy and filthy. Most of the screens on the windows are broken. Their dogs are obviously not house-trained. But they don't see it. These are people whose daughter has sex on tape, and they think that's fine."

The catty source goes on to claim that according to a mutual friend the tenant was so irate that he (or she) shouted, "Do I have to give you another $300,000 to get screens on the windows?"

Can y'all hear Your Mama and all the inhabitants of the Hamptons gasping and clutching our scandalized hearts? Oh dear Jeezis, Your Mama is sure the Hiltons are pissed. PISSED!

Your Mama is not aware of the Hilton house being available to lease for the 2008 summer season, but we imagine (and hope) that if they do decide to put tenants in there from Memorial Day to Labor Day they'll get those screens fixed and have the carpets steam cleaned.

The Ammon House in East Hampton

OWNERS: Gregory and Alexa Ammon (brother and sister)
LOCATION: Middle Lane, East Hampton, NY
PRICE: $275,000 (summer season 2008)
SIZE: 2.2 acres, 7,000 square feet (approx.), 7 bedrooms, 6.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: English Tudor style home. Magnificent gardens and grounds on 2 plus acres. Short stroll to the ocean and village. 7 bedrooms, 6.5 baths, solarium, library, gourmet kitchen. Heated pool, pool house, 2.5 car garage. Very private.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: According to the gossip gurls at Newsday, the pretty but infamous Ted and Generosa Ammon house smack in the middle of one of the swankier sections of East Hampton, NY has already been leased for the 2008 summer season. The well to do Memorial Day to Labor Day tenants are reported to have coughed up $275,000 for the Middle Lane seasonal rental/crime scene.

Anyone who lives within two hundred miles of East Hampton, reads glossy gossip magazines like Vanity Fair, or watches tawdry made for T.V. movies already knows that the 7,000 square foot English Tudor style house is where millionaire financier Ted Ammon was brutally bludgeoned to death in October of 2001.

However, that's not even the scandalous part of the story. Oh no, children. Back in October 2001 when Mister Ammon turned up dead, the Mister and Missus Ammon were engaged in a ballistic and bitter dee-vorce battle. Shockingly, just three months after the murder and before the Mister was even cold in the ground, the widowed wifey married her electrician boyfriend Daniel Pelosi. Naturally, both Generosa and Daniel were "persons of interest" in the murder investigation. However, it was only after Generosa keeled over from breast cancer in 2003 that Mister Pelosi was convicted of the crime. Now, instead of being kept in the lap of luxury by his vastly wealthy wife, Mister Pelosi is living up in some penitentiary as the "wife" of some 250 pound gorilla who calls him Sally or some other ladee name. Karma is a bitch children. Remember that next time you're feeling like slicing and dicing your rich spouse.

Property records reveal that back when Mister and Missus Ammon were happily wedded, they purchased the 7 bedroom and 6.5 bathroom house in August of 1992 for $1,075,000. The couple adopted a couple of Russian twins who we presume noisily scampered around the 2.2 acre estate and happily frolicked in the heated pool that sits on the other side of a man-made lagoon from the house. That is until mommy got greedy and figured the best way to work out the financial details of the dee-vorce was simply to have her blue collar beau-hunk ice the huzband while his will still granted her his entire fortune.

After a lengthy and acrimonious custody battle, the Ammon children were eventually awarded to Mister Ammon's sister and reportedly live in Alabama. But surprisingly, they continue to own the East Hampton estate which, according the Newsday gurls, still contains "much of the art and collectibles that Generosa Ammon held near and dear." Which, quite frankly, seems a mite bit creepy to Your Mama.

All due respect and compassion for the plight of the Ammon twins, but Your Mama would never spend $275,000 to lease a Hamptons house that is filled with a murderous woman's belongings. Nor could we even consider spending more than a quarter million clams to look at those blinding copper panels and that shameful beige recliner in the solarium all damn summer.

Your Mama recommends that whoever it is that has plunked down $275,000 for the 2008 summer season bring a heap of sage to burn and a few pounds of garlic to ward of the bad juju that might still be lingering in the house. Otherwise enjoy that lovely little pool house and remember to pretend to not see Jerry and Jessica Seinfeld on the beach next summer because the last thing those two want is some yay-hoo renter shouting at them as they try to quietly sun themselves on the beach behind their $50,000,000 estate.

More Photos of the Kaufmann House...

...thanks to one of Your Mama's lovely children, we can hook y'all up with a few more stunning pictures of the world famous Kaufmann Desert House in Palm Springs, CA which is expected to fetch more than $15,000,000 when it is sold as part of Christie's Post-War & Contemporary Art sale in May, 2008. Prepare to be flabbergasted by it's beauty even if you don't care for world class modernist architecture.

Bloom's Blackness

It has been confirmed puppies. We have received photographic evidence from several sources that show Mister Orlando Bloom did indeed paint his house in the Outpost Estates black. When Your Mama first got wind of this paint job, we were deeply concerned that a few dozen gallons of black paint paired with the blue tile roof would make the whole place would look like a bruise on the landscape. And it sorta does. But it is also brooding, rebellious, and a little unfriendly with a soupçon of sinister, and you know what? We kind of like it. Your Mama thinks it's just dee-vine for a young actor who would like to mirror both Johnny Depp's quirky and mysterious persona and his screamingly successful career.

Now Orlando, dolly, let's discuss that monolithic privacy fence. Your Mama understands you gotta do what you gotta do to maintain a sense of personal space so you can parade around nekkid the way you like to do. But seriously hunny, the damn thing looks like a prison and it's unclear whether your aim is to keep the world out or you in. Hopefully a little clever landscaping will be able to soften this unpleasant and aggressive fence.

And what's with the chain link fencing standing in front of the tall black fence? Quite frankly Mister Bloom, all due respect, but it is tacky and hostile to your neighbors for a man of your means to stretch cheap chain link fencing across the public side of your property. Besides, that shit just gives the place a not very elegant "Billy John Joe Curly Junior marries his second cousin in a shotgun wedding" sort of vibe. So you have to know that Your Mama desperately hopes you remove that abomination, if only so that your neighbors won't think you rude and insensitive to their aesthetic needs.

Source: Pacific Coast News (photos)

John Goodman, From Rehab to Home

BUYER: John Goodman
LOCATION: Via de la Paz, Pacific Palisades, CA
PRICE: $4,699,000 (list)
SIZE: 5,250 square feet (approx.), 5 bedrooms, 5.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: East Hamptons style, artfully designed 3-story new constructions, 5,000+ sf, 5 bd/5.5 ba, great room w/ soaring 16 foot ceiling, chef's kitchen w/ Viking appls. LR w/ coffered ceiling. FDR, master suite w/ custom brkfst bar, bath w/ steam shower. 4 bedrm suites upstairs, 5th suite down w/ pvt entrance. 3rd story media room. Restoration glass skylight illuminates 2nd floor picture gallery. Backyrd w/ Italian wd burning pizza oven.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Back in the late 1980s and well into the 1990s, Mister John Goodman played the lovable and HUGE daddy on the sitcom juggernaut that was Roseanne. Then the show went to shit (sorry Roseanne hunny, but it did, and you know it), Roseanne the TV character won the lottery, became a spoiled bitch and then poof! Dan Conner was booted from that shitty little house in Lanford and the Emmy and Golden Globe winning actor was out on the street hustling for gigs.

In the subsequent years, Mister Goodman parlayed his tremendous fame into a very bizzy career with a dizzying list of television and film credits. Like so many actors looking to make heaps of money without actually appearing in front of the camera, he's recently voiced characters in big budget cartoon flicks like Cars, Monsters, Inc., Bee Movie and the upcoming Bunyan and Babe.

In September/October of 2007, the famously fat funnyman did a somewhat secret stint at Promises, the very same uber luxe rehab resort in Malee-boo where rich and famous galore flock to be treated for addiction issues. Promises lays claims to many celebrity successes, but it is also the very same fancy facility Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan unsuccessfully attempted to get sober. Your Mama sincerely hopes that Mister Goodman's sobriety sticks better than it did for either of these two fading stars.

Anyhoo, Your Mama hears from a very reliable source that Mister Goodman has recently purchased a new and newly built home in Pacific Palisades that was listed for $4,699,000. We've not yet been able to ascertain a purchase price for the home, but we're quite certain that our good buddy Mister Big Time will be able to ferret that number out before too long. Located just spitting distance from the Gelson's Supermarket, where all the fruit is so shiny sunglasses are required while shopping, listing information for the quasi East Coast style house indicates Goodman's new digs measure approx. 5,250 square feet and includes 5 bedrooms and 5.5 bathrooms. The master bedroom includes a "custom brkfst bar," a slightly unusual but handy feature for those mornings when you simply can't face Svetlana the house cleaner, the hard ass Swedish nanny, or your own children before you've had a big cup of java to fortify your nerves.

Additionally, there is a media room tucked up under the eaves on the 3rd floor which sounds interesting, but seriously we hope there's a kitchenette up there because who wants to be humping and climbing up and down all those damn stairs in search of more ginger ale, Bourbon and popcorn in the middle of that wonderful television freak show that is The Housewives of Orange County?

We are a mite surprised that the builder of the property did not squeeze an itty bitty swimming pool into the smallish back yard, because if Your Mama has said it once, we've said it a thousand times, we would not dream of forking over in excess of $4,000,000 for a house that did not have a heated cee-ment pond. We know some of you are not "pool people," and good for you. But, frankly, for that kind of money Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter not only want a pool, but a good looking and barely dressed pool boy to live in the basement included in the purchase.

Clearly the house has been staged to within an inch of it's life, but as staging goes, this isn't the worst sort of fake decor offenses. Rather than look like a Home Despot interior design showroom the decors screams "Restoration Hardware couture," a description our pal Kenny Kissentell so cleverly coined.

Back in the 1990s, Mister Goodman lived in the Louise Avenue house in Encino that now belongs to troubled, dee-vorcing, and "He's Big in Germany" actor/singer/boozing beast David Hasselhoff. Although some reports say Mister Goodman later owned a house on the 600 block of Amalfi Drive in Pacific Palisades, but Your Mama suspects that is actually a different John Goodman because some of the particulars of the personal information in the records simply don't match up with personal information for our ack-tor subject.

However, what we have ascertained is that at some point Mister Goodman actually moved to New Orleans and purchased a 4,900 square house on Coliseum Street in the Garden District from Nine Inch Nails frontman Trent Reznor, whose recent real estate doings Your Mama discussed yesterday. Property records reveal that Mister Goodman paid $1,800,000 for the 4 bedroom and 3.5 bathroom house that features a swimming pool and a two car garage.

Your Mama hasn't a clue whether Mister Goodman is relocating back to Los Angeles or if he's simply securing an outpost for when he's in town for professional obligations. Whatever the case Your Mama wishes Mister Goodman a happy home and a lifetime of sobriety.

Trent Reznor Heads for the Hills of Beverly

BUYER: Trent Reznor
LOCATION: Summitridge Drive, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $4,187,545
SIZE: 3,981 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 4.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Clean lines, light filled rooms exemplify this pristine Architectural with city and canyon views. Dramatic two story living room, superb kitchen/family room. Master bedroom suite has large balcony, new custom pool with sound system. Gated and private–and exceptional residence.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Your Mama has been sitting on this one for several days now, but we've just been too damn bizzy and to get to it. Last week, or was it earlier this week, we cain't remember yesterday so we don't have no damn idea when it was. But anyhoo, Mister Big Time wanted to know which celebrity type person bought a house up on Summitridge Drive in the Beverly Hills Post Office. The answer is Trent Reznor, the sexy-sexy singer for a funny sort of band called the Nine Inch Nails (NIN) which is actually comprised of just one man, our Mister Reznor, who simply puts a band together when he tours but otherwise is a cat that walks alone.

One little tidbit of information about Mister Reznor that Your Mama finds both compelling and disturbing is that back in the mid-1990s he famously leased the Cielo Drive property where the Manson murders occurred, built a private recording studio and dubbed it "Le Pig," which of course was the message that was cruelly scrawled across the front door of the house in Miz Sharon Tate's blood after the gruesome 1969 butchery. Mister Reznor was the last occupant of the property before it was ripped down, given a new street number and replaced with a new and huge mansion built by a hugely successful television producer. It is rumored that Mister Reznor actually took the front door with him when he vacated the premises. How very Marilyn Manson of him.

Given that Mister Reznor is the sole member, songwriter, producer and instrumentalist for NIN, he naturally receives the lion share of the piles of money made from albums and touring gigs. And recently Mister Reznor used some of that money to trade up on his crib.

See puppies, before Mister Reznor paid $4,186,545 for this contemporary style house way up in the Beverly Hills (P.O.), he lived in an uglee little house on Appian Way high in the Hollywood Hills that Mister Big Time also asked about in one of his "Which Celebrity House Was This #19" at the end of November. The inside of Mister Reznor's Appian Way house was tolerable, barely, but outside looked like a damn vinyl sided tract house in suburban Toledo.

Okay, we got things to do today kids, so we're not going to drag this one out much than we already have. Mister Reznor's new digs are wedged into a crazy shaped parcel of land that snakes from Summitridge Drive down to Ferrari Drive in a way that makes no damn sense to Your Mama. But then again, we are not an engineer or an urban planner so what the devil do we know about that sort of thing?

The white stucco house features 3,981 square feet of gated and warmly contemporary space with high ceilings, walls of windows and long views to the east and the west. Listing information for the property indicates that in addition to the two story living room, family room, eat in kitchen and dining room, there are 5 bedroom sand 4.5 bathrooms including a second floor master suite with a sweet terrace overlooking the canyon below.

Out back, along the property line, stretches a lovely and long newly built lap pool for exercising, which is nice in theory, but something Your Mama makes it a point never to do with any regularity. In our mushy gin soaked mind, swimming pools are for taking cooling dips on warm days and not working up a damn sweat.

Alright then. This morning, with the help of our ever present and always helpful pal Lucy Spillerguts, Your Mama cleared up two of Mister Big Time's celebrity real estate mysteries. Now leave us alone until we can get some caffeine running in our blood.

The Kaufmann House Goes On The Block

Get your checkbooks ready kids, because it's official. One of the world's most famous houses will soon be sold. Yes puppies, the Richard Neutra designed Kaufmann Desert House in Palm Springs, CA will be offered for sale through Christie's Realty International in conjunction with Christie's much anticipated and hyped Post-War & Contemporary Art Sale on May 13, 2008. The property is expected to fetch a butt clenching $15-25,000,000.

This is of course not news to modernist aficionados who have been whispering about the impending dee-vorce of current owners Brent and Beth Harris for some time and wondering with sharp and wagging tongues what was to become of the famous house they spent years and millions restoring under the masterful hands of architecture stars Marmol & Radziner.

Sprawling across several parcels on West Vista Chino in the windy northern reaches of of Palm Springs, the pinwheel shaped house sits on the better side of Palm Canyon Drive and measures either 3,162 square feet or 4,827 square feet depending on where you do your research. Property records indicate that the Harris couple purchased the house in August of 1993 for $982,500 (some reports say they paid $1,500,000) after it had been mutilated and traumatized by wretched renovations and flowered wallpaper by a series of homeowners who included campy crooner Barry Manilow.

Now children, just as an aside, Your Mama has loved Ms. Manilow all the way back to when we were a wee lad listening to 8-track tapes at our Aunt Jennie's house in Ventura, CA. But we just gotta ask, when did Barry Manilow start to look like such a woman with his too smooth and too tan skin and that spiky mess of a hair don't which we are quite certain is a damn wig? Sorry Bare, but it's just not good. Seriously hun, listen to Your Mama here and get yourself a new stylist who believes in aging gracefully.

Anyhoo, records on file with the county show the house has 4 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms, but honestly kids, Your Mama doesn't know if that's accurate because most reports say there are 5 bedrooms and 5 bathrooms, which probably includes the staff quarters in the wing behind the carport. What is accurate is that the house is built around a central core that houses the main living space. The secondary rooms pinwheel around the center and long walls of glass create a dee-lishus tension between the rugged desert landscape and the simple but very refined structure and ridiculously civilized and dee-luxe interior spaces.

In addition to the main house, which features an exquisite covered loggia on the second floor designed to both shield from the blistering sun and to harness the desert breezes, the property includes a swimming pool, tennis court (not original to Kaufmann's plans), and a rebuilt pool house with gym and bath also by the folks at Marmol & Radziner and which also function as a viewing pavilion for the main house and a portal to the tennis court.

So just who would be ready, willing and able to write a check for $15,000,000 or more for a weekend house in Palm Springs? Now puppies, Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter happen to lurv us some Palm Springs, where the greys and the gays mingle in harmony on the 49,000 golf courses that dot the Coachella Valley. We have spent many a lovely night at The Parker and intend to visit regularly, but there is simply no way in hell anyone could get Your Mama to fork over that kind of money for a house in a little town in the middle of nowhere where the dead go to die. Not even for a world class Neutra.

So Your Mama asked a few of our better connected sources who they thought might be interested in this very pricey winter weekend home and we tossed in a few of our own uneducated guesses too. Keep in mind children, that Your Mama don't know shit. We are just speculating. If you don't know what that means, getcher Websters out and look it up.

Although none of our sources think a celebrity will plunk down the big bucks for the Kaufmann House, there may indeed be a few deep pocketed Hollywood types that might be interested such as Ellen Degeneres or Courtney Cox. How about Mister Jolie? He's got a thing for name brand architecture. Perhaps the kooky and overly endowed Vincent Gallo (if he could scrape the cash together)? And maybe, Kenny Kissentell ventures, Ms. Manilow would be interested in purchasing the old Neutra gurl once again.

More likely it'll be a fabulously rich architectural benefactor with a penchant for modern art who will see the purchase as a responsibility to maintain an architectural piece of art. Our short list would include MTV President Brian Graden, billionaire David Geffen, real estate tycoon Eli Broad, or maybe even the Frank McCourts who recently forked over more than $30,000,000 for the ocean front Lautner designed house in Malee-boo they purchased from Courtney Cox and David Arquette.

Your Mama also thinks there might be a few big name art institutions such as LACMA, or mabye even MOCA, that might have the interest and cash reserves necessary to purchase and maintain the property as part of their permanent collection.

One more possibility might be that a group of investors will pool their pennies to purchase and use it's landmark status and historical significance to turn the whole place into a limited entry museum space not unlike what was done with Phillips Johnson's Glass House in New Canaan, CT.

And let's not forget all the filthy rich foreign magnates and potentates whose currency is currently in much better shape than the American dollar and who might see the Kaufmann House as a wise and savvy real estate investment they can flip for a $5,000,000+ profit when (and if) the dollar stabilizes.

Only time will tell who and for how much, but be assured that every major newspaper and every real estate gossip across the country will be yapping their jaws and typing their fingers to the nubbins to be the first to tell the world.

Sources: David Glomb and Tim Street-Porter (photos)

The Pallotta Palace

There is simply nothing like 21 damn thousand square feet in which to empty nest, right kids? Thanks to the good people at Glitterati Gossip (via The Boston Globe), Your Mama has a little something to say about the massive fieldstone and slate Georgian style mansion that Boston Celtics co-owner Jim Pallotta and his wifey Kim are currently erecting on 27.5 acres in Weston, MA, a tony but quiet suburb of Boston.

Lawhd children sometimes Your Mama gets stuck in the LA/NYC/Palm Beach Bermuda Triangle of real estate and forgets that rich people everywhere like to build themselves big ass monuments to the buying power of their extreme wealth. Now children, really, Your Mama is no fool and we understand full well that this is the U-ni-tuhd States of Amurica where rich and poor people alike are entitled to build houses as big as they wanna build 'em and furnish them as luxuriously as their bank accounts will bear. It's the American way. Just look at that philandering media mogul William Randolph Hearst and his crazy castle up in San Simeon, CA. Or all those rich and famous folks up in Beverly Park where 21,000 square feet is merely medium sized.

But that don't mean that Your mama cain't ask, "Why?" Why, when they will be shipping their youngest of two children off to college in a year or two, do the Pallotta's want 21,000 square feet to rattle around in all by themselves? Don't they know that with no one else living up in that monster mansion the live-in help will have nothing better to do than follow their private life and intimate moments like it's a damn soap opera? You think we're kidding? Just ask someone who's lived and worked as full time staff up in one of these big manor houses. Shocking what the staff knows. Shaw-king! Which is why no matter how much paper and coin might be making even more money in Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter's various bank accounts, there is no way in hell you could pay us to have live in staff. Pleeze!

According to The Boston Globe, the Pallotta's unfinished 20 room house will feature 5 bedrooms, including a master suite with two walk in closets and an exercise room, living and dining rooms, a wood paneled kitchen with breakfast area, family room, and a sun room. Down in the finished basement will be a 12-seat theater, a game room, music room, and a wine cellar with a separate area for magnums and jeroboams. Outside will be a 4-car garage, a fifty foot swimming pool and cabana, and natch, a basketball court. A separate carriage house with 8 garage bays will house Mister Pallottas muscle car collection.

Current taxes on the incomplete structure are reported to be just over $125,000 per year, an already huge number that will surely sky rocket when the property is given its final certificates of occupancy.

Interestingly the article in The Boston Globe noted that the original plans for the house were for it to measure around 28,000 square feet, but the "prohibitive price" required the size be scaled down somewhat. See puppies, even the filthy rich have budgets and such are the funky financial machinations of a man who reportedly earned $200,000,000 in 2005 alone.

Your Mama wishes these Pallotta people all the happiness in the world in their new airport hanger sized home. We do. But we also predict this place will be for sale within three years of completion with all sorts of quotes in The Boston Globe about how they just don't need that much space anymore. You watch. It happens all. the. time.

Source: David L. Ryan/Globe Staff (photos)

Olivia Newton John's Malee-boo Retreat

SELLER: Olivia Newton John
LOCATION: Retreat Court, Malibu, CA
PRICE: $14,000,000
SIZE: 6482 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 6 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Located on a private cul de sac in prestigious Serra Retreat, this fabulous compound boasts a magnificent main home, pool, spa & 2 bedroom guest house. Expansive, beautifully maintained grounds surround the impressive Mediterranean home w/ high ceilings, spacious great room, huge master suite (2 bathrooms) media room, family room w/ bar, dining room, great cook's kitchen, additional bedroom suites...

YOUR MAMA NOTES: Thanks to a late night contact from Our Fairy Godmother in Malibu, Your Mama has learned that Grammy winning English-born/Australian bred singer, and every one's favorite Sandy, Olivia Newton John has put her Malee-boo mansion on the market for $14,000,000.

Listing information for the 1.28 acre property located way up in the exclusive guard gated Serra Retreat community reveals that the Mediterranean style house sprawls across 6,482 square feet all on one level. Good lawhd children, it must take six minutes or more to walk from one end of this place to the other so Your Mama just hopes that Miz Newton John will include her roller skates from Xanadu in the sale to help the new owner get from room to room efficiently. In addition to the 5 bedrooms and 6 bathrooms in the main house, including a master bedroom with dual bathrooms, a guest house provides another 2 bedrooms for staff, less favored house guests who stay too long, or adult children who refuse to get jobs and apartments of their own.

Property records show that Miz Newton John purchased this house in August of 2004 and not long before her long time boyfriend Patrick McDermott vanished without a trace in 2005. Records reveal that Miz Newton John paid $5,995,000 when she bought the house from action actor Charles Bronson's widowed wife Kim. Do the math puppies. That's right. Miz Newton John and her long time real estate agent appear to think that the property has more than doubled in value in the last three years. Hmm. Could it be?

Given that the wig wearing trashtastic poptartlet Britney Spears and the FedEx's former love shack next door sold recently to writer/director/producer Stephen Sommers (Van Helsing, The Mummy) for just $10,000,000, Your Mama thinks the current asking price might be a wee bit optimistic. Yes children, the Spears mansion was rumored to have been totally trashed and we're quite certain that Miz Newton John does not let her dogs crap on the carpet, leave dirty baby diapers lying around or, like we heard ka-razy Miz Spears did, have her wedding dress propped up on a dress form in the corner of her bedroom, a situation which would surely freak out most, if not all potential buyers. But still...it'll be interesting to see what happens to the price of this home.

Miz Newton John and Mister Sommers (and previously Mister Bronson and that Spears gurl) are not the only Hollywood types that call Retreat Court home. The other two properties on the cul de sac are both owned by five time married and fantastically rich Titanic director James Cameron, who we can only imagine was thrilled with the FedEx packed his Ferrari and decamped to Tarzana.

Anyhoo, at this point, the listing agent has not made any additional photos of the Newton John crib available so we really can't dig into the decor. However, Miz Newton John has been around Malee-boo long enough to witness the birth and meteoric rise of the Shabby Chic juggernaut, which of course started in Malee-boo, so we expect to find dozens of over stuffed white sofas, tall gilded candlesticks, a truck load of distressed furniture she bought from Miz Rachel Ashwell.

Your Mama doesn't know why Miz Newton John is vacating the premises up in the Serra Retreat. We can certainly imagine she might want to downsize, get out of a fire prone area or move back down to an ocean front property. Whatever the case, Your Mama wishes Miz Newton John all the happiness in the world in her new home and all the luck in the world unloading this place at it's current asking a price.

Robert Friedland's $65,000,000 Flip

SELLER: Robert and Darlene Friedland
LOCATION: Golden Gate Avenue, Belvedere, CA
PRICE: $65,000,000
SIZE: 1.2 acres, 11,000 square feet (approx.), 6 bedrooms, 6.5 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Here's a little piece of wisdom from Your Mama: Sometimes it pays to wait. Take for example controversial mining mogul Robert Friedland and his wifey Darlene. The filthy rich couple had to wait three years to unload their much ballyhooed Belvedere, CA estate, but children, look how their patience paid off. The Wall Street Journal reports that the Asia based billionaires have signed contracts for a full price purchase of the extravagant estate, furnishing included, which carried a shocking asking price of $65,000,000.

The Friedlands, who bought the Golden Gate Avenue property in 1995 for just $5,500,000, spent 9 years and reportedly spent another $32-35,000,000 renovating, restoring and rebuilding the 1.2 acre property that was originally built in 1895 and offers 360 degree views from its perch high on the southern tip of super swank Belvedere Island in the San Francisco Bay.

Let's do a little fuzzy math kids. Even if Mister Friedland is into the property for $45,000,000, after the presumably large real estate fees are paid, he and the missus will likely pocket around $15,000,000 on their uber dee-luxe flip. How many times has Your mama told the children that one of the many ways that the rich get even richer is by flipping high end properties at outrageous profits.

Listing information for the property reveals the three story main house sprawls over 11,000 square feet (approx.) and includes 6 bedrooms and 6.5 bathrooms all accessed by both a private elevator and a winding staircase with a bronze balustrade and mahogany railing, which Your Mama guarantees you cost more than a damn Rolls Royce to fabricate. The main floor features a wrap around covered veranda with teak decking, a mahogany paneled library, a pewter colored living room, dining room with postcard views of San Francisco and the Golden Gate Bridge, and a kitchen slathered in acres of marble counter tops. The children will note the pot rack...and of course all the children know by know that a pot racks drive Your Mama to the booze cabinet.

The third floor is given entirely over to the master suite that includes a sitting room, bathroom, big ass walk in closets, private decks with big ass views, and a fully equipped service kitchen with top grade appliances, which makes sense because, let's be honest, who pays $65,000,000 for a master bedroom kitchenette with Kenmore appliances from Sears?

The lower floor includes three guest suites each with a private sitting area and marble bathroom. Additionally, a large "great room"/office/entertaining area with 15 foot coffered ceiling spans the rear of the house with yet another fully equipped kitchen with top of the line appliances.

Somewhere amid the splendor and lavishness is a panic room, something all houses in this price range should be obligated to include.

Outside, the landscaping alone is reported to have cost the Friedlands more than $8,000,000 and includes patios laid with stones taken from a Chinese Village before it was submerged by the Three Gorges Dam Project, because even the mega moneyed recycle. A heated pool is laid with intricate (and expensive) tiles and a pool house with sauna and steam shower features mosaic walls and floors, which Your Mama imagines must have taken a foreign artisan for-ev-er to do.

Also on the property is a one bedroom apartment for staff and a measly two car garage. However, considering that whomever is purchasing this house is unlikely to live in it full time, perhaps one Bentley and one Maserati in the garage is adequate for the few weeks or months a year that will be spent here.

The house might be costing the new owner a spine breaking $65,000,000, but at least for the next few years, the taxes will be just $28,000 per year. The property is reportedly covered under the Mills Act which give a substantial 10 year tax reduction on historical homes, as long as the amount intended for taxes in spent restoring the property. Eventually the property will be subject to the regular California State tax rate and Your Mama expects the yearly taxes here will easily balloon to over $500,000 per year. But, of course, if a buyer can afford a $65,000,000 house, he/she/they can surely afford half a million a year in taxes.

Reports typically say that the Friedlands are selling the property because they have so many other homes they rarely make it to Belvedere and spent only a few weeks at the house last year. Imagine that kids?

The identity of the buyer has not been released, but certainly it will be leaked or announced before too long. A person simply does not quietly buy a $65,000,000 which for three years running appeared on the short list of the world's most expensive properties for sale.

Your Mama will probably the last to know who the buy is, but we'd like to be the first in line to be adopted by them.

Phew! Veronica Hearst Saves Manalapan Mansion

Thanks to the good deeds and generosity of Billy Blabbermouth, who sent us an excellent link to a very interesting December 12, 2007 article in the Daily Business Review, Your Mama has learned that not only does it appear that the widow and heiress Veronica Hearst will be able to keep her mammoth Manalapan mansion through a complicated finance restructuring scheme that our booze soaked brain can barely comprehend, but we also learned that last year the 28,000 square foot, 52 room ocean front spread cost The Widow Hearst a bone crushing $375,000 in taxes, an additional $205,000 in insurance, and another $44,000 a year in utility expenses. And children, that does not even begin to cover the staffing costs, the vast landscaping bills, or the general maintenance and upkeep on the 3.5 acre estate. Jeezis, Mary, and Joseph, sometimes Your Mama forgets just how much money it really requires to live large in America.

Dubbed Villa Venezio, the 9 bedroom and 12 bathroom estate with detached guest house, which The Widow Hearst scooped up for $29,900,000 just a few months before her fabulously rich newspaper scion huzband Randolph Apperson Hearst met the big banker in the sky in December 2000, had been on the market earlier this year for $27,000,000, three million clams less than the purchase price. Uh oh.

Turns out the property was listed for sale as part of an agreement to keep the property from being foreclosed on. See puppies, there's no need to feel too bad because you can't spare the bucks to pay your overdue credit card bill, even super rich socialites sometimes have cash flow problems.

Anyhoo, the well born, well bred, well married and multi-lingual Miz Hearst, who is apparently a Bible scholar, inherited much of her vast wealth from her dead huzband. However, it would seem from the Daily Business News article that much of her inherited assets are tied up in trusts that do not allow her free and easy access to quite as much paper and coin as a jet setting socialite might require. So, like many asset rich and cash poor folks (i.e. Michael Jackson), Miz Hearst borrows against the assets to pay for her couture lifestyle. Well, unless you're careful, have good attorneys and bankers, and are constantly shifting assets and restructuring debt, that shit can quickly catch up with a ladee and her Louboutin kitten heel mules.

From the sound of things, the debt restructuring is not complete or a fait accompli, which means the possibility still exists that The Widow Hearst could lose Villa Venezio. However, Your Mama suspects that should her attorneys and bankers not be able to force her financial ducks into a row, the couture clad heiress will need to be dragged kicking and screaming from her beloved Palm Beach behemoth. And children, who could blame her?

Miz Hearst, mother of young and social gal about town Fabiola Beracasa and step-mother to former SLA tool Patty Hearst, lives primarily in a plush Fifth Avenue co-operative apartment in New York City. She also reportedly owns another estate in North Castle, NY, which, for those of you who like Your Mama don't know where that is, lies in ritzy Westchester County just north of New York City.

Frankie Muniz Selling Again

SELLER: Frankie Muniz
LOCATION: N. Wetherly Drive, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $3,875,000
SIZE: 1,972 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Secluded & gated gorgeous trad'l 5 bd & 4 ba family hm located off the prestigious lower Doheny Drive. A Stephen Moore design completely upgraded w/ the finest of materials. Open flr plan leads to pl & spa w/ outdr FP. Lrg master ste has pitched ceils, skylights, 2 large W/I closets & stunning bath w/ infinity tub. Full surround sound system. New fire sprinkler system. Beautiful landscaping thru-out and romantic viewing deck w/ striking city views.

YOUR MAMA NOTES: Child actor, race car driver and budding bad boy Frankie Muniz has once again listed a house in the Hollywood Hills for sale. Little Mister Muniz, who has grown to be a young man of 22 with a somewhat bulked up body dotted with tattoos, is of course best known for his role as the precocious and baby-faced kid on Malcolm in the Middle and then later as the lead in the Agent Cody Banks film franchise. The 22 year old young man has made many million of dollars in his few years on earth, and he's known for freely spending his wads of cash on rare automobiles and pricey real estate.

It was celebrity real estate doyenne Ruth Ryon in her Hot Properties column at the LA Times this week who announced that Mister Muniz (who prefers his name be pronounced me-YOO-nez, thank you very much) has listed his N. Wetherly Drive crib for $3,875,000. Property records indicate that Mister Muniz, who has been nominated for but not won an Emmy and two Golden Globes (always a bridesmaid never a bride, poor thing), purchased the 1,972 square foot, five bedroom and four bathroom house in January of 2006 for $3,499,000.

Five bedrooms and four bathrooms and an open plan main level that includes living, dining and family rooms in addition to a large eat in kitchen, sounds like a lot of house to pack into under 2,0000 square feet if anyone were to ask Your Mam, which of course, no one did.

It appears from the photos that in addition to race cars, real estate and tattoos, Mister Muniz also has an interest in art. While Your Mama would never want a cartoony portrait of Marilyn Monroe in the kitchen (unless it was a Warhol, bien sur) or have Mick Jagger's wizened visage stare down guests in the guest room, we would like to commend Mister Muniz for expanding his intellectual and decorating horizons to include actual "art" in his home, even if the majority of it is not work Your Mama can easily appreciate.

Out back, the petite but well appointed yard includes a plunge pool, in-ground spa and a lovely trellised patio area with an outdoor fireplace, which looks like the perfect spot to get slowly and comfortably drunk on a nippy December night with a roaring fire to keep the chill out of Your Mama's bones.

Listing information indicates there is also a "romantic viewing deck" which Your Mama presumes is up that wooden staircase that climbs the side of the steep hillside in the back yard. We can imagine being up there with a loved one and a bottle of very expensive champagne looking over the lights of the city laid out like a glittering carpet below could be very helpful for getting two people in the luvvin' mood. However, Your Mama would need a damn breathing apparatus and 40 minutes just to haul our fat ass up all those stairs, which would surely put a damper on the moment, wouldn't it?

Although he may be only 22 years old, this is hardly Mister Muniz's first time at the real estate fair. Oh no, children. Put on your thinking caps kids and see if you can follow. As a teenager, the well paid and hard working child actor reportedly owned a mansion in Brentwood, where it's probably safe to assume he lived with his parents. He reportedly then moved to a "more practical" home in Encino before he started buying up dee-luxe real estate in the Hollywood Hills. First there was a 4,500 square foot Spanish style villa on Doheny Drive that included a 10 car motor court and a 5 car garage. In mid-2004, while still in possession of the Doheny Drive house, he purchased a contemporary sci-fi confection up on Blue Jay Way with staggering views, sliding walls of glass and a front door operated with fingerprint recognition software. He quickly sold both of these houses in mid-2005 (the Doheny Drive house was famously sold to Miss Halle Berry) and, as we mentioned above, in June 2006 the mini mogul purchased his current residence on N. Wetherly Drive.

If Mister Muniz's real estate buying history tells us anything, it would be that he's likely already identified and perhaps even purchased his next home. Whatever the case, Your Mama looks forward to seeing where the child actor who seems to be successfully making the transition to adult actor lands next.

Yout Gotta Be Rich To Be The President of the USA

clockwise from top left: John Edwards' $6,000,000 farm in in Chapel Hill, NC; John McCain's 7,000 sq. foot condo in Phoenix, AZ; Mitt Romney's $10,000,000 vacation house in New Hampshire; the $1,650,000 Obama house in South Chicago, IL; and the $1,700,000 Clinton casa in Chappaqua, NY.

Since the always shocking and entertaining parade of Presidential politics has already begun with dozens of "debates," name calling candidates and deep discussions of non-issue issues, Your Mama thought we might add to the fun. Because as anyone who knows Your Mama knows, we just love the upsetting and disturbing spectacle of a Presidential campaign.

Earlier this week, mainstream news outlet Newsweek posted an interesting and unnerving article on their website about some of the homes of the current crop of Presidential hopefuls.

Lawhd children, as most people in this country struggle to pay their mortgages, feed their babies and figure out a way to afford the outrageous premiums for their meager medical benefits, it will not likely bouy y'all to know that just about every candidate on the dais lives up in a multi-million dollar home, and in most cases they own more than one multi million dollar home. So when those conservative suited and glossy haired candidates start tossing around the "I know the plight of the common person" bullshit that they seem to like so much, just remember puppies, that ev-er-ee single one of them goes home to a plush and posh crib and more than likely do not worry, fret or even think about going belly up bankrupt because little buck toothed Tina busted up her bones tripping over a damn crack in the sidewalk.

Now children, do not think Your Mama begrudges the candidates' behemoth bank accounts or simply covets the residential spoils of their financial successes. We don't. This is the American dream after all: work hard, make boo-coo coin, buy a big house with more bedrooms than you need and get a few gas guzzling SUVs for the garage.

All we're saying is that when Miz Clinton and Mister Obama cat fight over universal health care coverage and Mister Edwards yaks on about ending poverty in America and Misters Guiliani and Romney bicker over tax reform and privatizing Social Security, just remember, they are not the average American looking to find some sense of financial security in an insecure world. Your Mama recommends you squint your eyes with skepticism (don't let anyone tell you it's not good to question your public servants), educate yourself on what these rich people really have planned for the little people, and vote your conscience.

(Photos (clockwise from top left): via Newseek.com, Don Carrington , 2211camelback.com, AP (3))

UPDATE: Stevie Nicks

Following up on our earlier discussion about Miz Stevie Nicks, Your Mama just received word from a gentleman we'll call The Cactus Pusher who informed us that the tambourine shaking singer's Paradise Valley house has been sold for $3,000,000

The Cactus Pusher was kind enough to send along paper work that clearly shows the property was originally priced at $3,800,000, later reduced to $3,300,000 and that the sale closed on December 12, just two days ago. Lawhd children, the money has probably not even hit Miz Nicks' bank account yet.

Who Doesn't Love A Blind Item?

From today's Page Six column in the NY Post:

1.
WHICH jet-setting performer is stingy with the holiday cheer? The doormen and porters at her posh Central Park West building pad are left with empty pockets when it comes to Christmas tips

2.
WHICH legendary actor's wife recently sold their luxurious Manhattan condo to a couple who later found hidden closed-circuit cameras in the guest bedroom and guest bathroom during a gut renovation of the apartment?

Your Mama Hears...

...that flowy fabric luvvin' singing sensation Stevie Nicks has quietly put her palatial Pacific Palisades mansion on the market for around $14,000,000.

Miz Nicks purchased the 7,178 square foot Southern Colonial style house in June of 2005. Property records do not reveal the purchase price, however, Riley Realtor, one of Your Mama's obscenely well connected sources, tell us that Miz Nicks paid $9,000,000 for the gated and secured 1.2 acre property and then proceeded to remodel the library making it a double height space.

The party line, according to the Arizona Republic, is that Miz Nicks is selling because she wants to downsize and is moving to a "rock and roll penthouse" in Santa Monica where the still touring singer/songwriter can work without worrying "if the pool is taken care of and [if] the grass is right." And you know what, we believe she wants t0 simplify. But Riley Realtor says that's not the whole story.

The rumor is that shortly after husky voiced Miz Nicks moved in to the Chautauqua Boulevard property that has sweeping canyon and ocean views, she began to think the 5 bedroom and 6.5 bathroom residence (with guest house) is haunted. Yes, puppies haunted. And apparently Miz Nicks is not down with living with the ghosts of Christmas past because Riley Realtor tells Your Mama that Miz Nicks has already packed her brocade bags and fled the scene and the only folks living up in there with the chain rattling apparitions is Miz Nicks' household staff.

Although Your Mama can't confirm, it's entirely plausible that Miz Nicks may have decamped to a swanky condominium building on Ocean Avenue in Santa Monica that practically hangs over the Pacific Coast Highway where property records indicate she has owned a 3,029 square foot unit overlooking the Pacific Ocean since March of 2004.

Gossip and rumor, kids.

Anyhoo, what is not gossip is that the big Pacific Palisades house is not the only piece of luxury real estate that the Rock and Roll Hall of Famer has been looking to unload. Back in early August we learned from Mister Big Time (via the Arizona Republic) that the former Fleetwood Mac-er put her long time Paradise Valley, Arizona property on the market for $3,800,000. Records do not yet reflect a sale of this property, but Your mama was unable to find it on the Paradise Valley MLS so we simply don't know the status of this property. Simmer down children, we do not want to hear your outcries of celebrity real estate information deprivation. Your Mama is not a miracle worker and we simply can't get all the poop all the time.

Wherever Miz Nicks may be Your Mama wishes her a happy home surrounded by mountains of velvet and beaded cushions and miles and miles of draped fabric trailing the floors and blowing in the breeze.

Matthew Fox Tells Manhattan Beach to Get Lost

SELLER: Matthew Fox
LOCATION: Alma, Manhattan Beach, CA
PRICE: $2,275,000
SIZE: 2,491 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Ocean view classic Spanish home in sand section Manhattan Beach. Over sized street to alley lot. Fireplaces in master bedroom and family room. Lovely formal dining room. Enclosed patio off family room, great for entertaining. Originally built as 4 bedrooms, 2 baths currently used as 3 bedrooms and an office. 2 Bedrooms have built-in Murphy beds. Over sized master suite has panoramic ocean views and a full surround sound movie theatre. Big walk in closet with custom master bath. Large ocean view deck off master. Original hand painted tiles from Portugal used throughout. Hardwood floors throughout.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Unlike most of his cast mates, former Party of Five hottie Matthew Fox has managed to parlay his success on that sappy and sickeningly saccharine show into an honest to goodness television career. The last three years have found Mister Matthew in the tropical environs of Hawaii filming the cult favorite television program Lost, a show that quite frankly, is lost on Your Mama. Too many people and too many competing story lines for our gin soaked mind to keep sorted out after 7pm in the evening.

Anyhoo, property records reveal that back in April of 1999, just as Party of Five was wrapping up, Mister Matthew and his wifey Margherita purchased this Manhattan Beach house for $880,000. Located just six short blocks from the wide sandy beach and five blocks south of a gigantic and scary looking Chevron oil refinery, the somewhat Spanish style home measures 2,491 square feet with four bedrooms and 2 bathrooms.

Thanks to a friendly tipster we'll call Talkative Tim, Your Mama has learned that Mister Matthew has put his Manhattan Beach crib on the market for $2,275,000, which oughtta net the man over a million clams when it sells. Your Mama presumes, but can not say with any certainty because contrary to popular opinion we do not know Mister Fox, that since Lost is scheduled to run until 2010, a house in Manhattan Beach is no longer necessary for him or the other Foxes in his family.

In fact, two additional sources, both virtually omniscient when it comes to the residences of the rich and/or famous, tell us that Mister Fox and family have long vacated this house which would indicate that the rather lackluster and depressing beige furnishings belong to a tenant rather than the homeowner.

So rather than shred the coma inducing beige sofa or get too worked up over the upsetting patchwork bedspread that surely belongs to the tenant, Your Mama will stick to the bones of this house which technically still belong to the Matthew the Fox.

Fortunately for the tenant and owner, listing information indicates that the property features 4 parking spaces out front because parking can get a little hairy in this neighborhood on warm summer days when all the Inland Empire denizens drive over in their too big SUVs. Additionally, there is another parking spot in back where listing information indicates the 2 car garage has been converted to a 1 car garage. We have no idea what the other garage space is actually used for, but given Mister Fox's celebrity status, we would not be surprised to learn there was one of those Soloflex contraptions out there he used to beef up his guns when he lived stateside.

Inside we can appreciate the two corner fireplaces to take the chill off the salty seaside air. And the deck off the master bedroom that looks over the roof tops to the freezing cold Pacific Ocean looks like a fine place to ponder the nothingness. We can tolerate the all cement backyard that would look so much nicer and more inviting with randomly shaped flagstone and potted lavendar bushes and a little tomato garden, and we can just about cope with the kitchen because it is nicely sized and layed out even if it does look utterly worn out in the photo.

But children, those "original hand painted tiles from Portugal" in the master bathroom are giving Your Mama's a serious migraine not to mention raising the hair on the back of our neck. Listen, puppies, Your Mama actually has a good dose of Portuguese ancestry running through our booze diluted veins, but even still, we simply could not relax or concentrate deeply enough to do our durty bizness up in this bathroom with all that tile work shrieking and vying for attention. All due respect to our people in Portugal, but that shit would need to go. And fast.

Your Mama assumes that Mister Fox and the Fox family currently reside in Hawaii where Lost is filmed. However, a cursory search of Hawaiian records did not turn up any properties owned by Mister Fox, and of course, everyone knows the stoopid adage about what happens when one assumes. But we are simply too run down and headachy from all that complex tile pattern to delve any deeper into Mister Fox's real estate doings today, so assume we do. Perhaps our compatriot over at Big Time Listings can locate the scruffy stud's digs in Hawaii.

UPDATE: Talkative Tim once again contacted Your Mama with additional information about Mister Fox's whereabouts in Hawaii. Turns out a slightly more extensive search of records suggests that Mister Fox currently leases a 4,650 square foot residence on the Windward side of Oahu. Property records reveal that the ocean front residence on fancy pants Kailuana Loop, which features 4 bedrooms and 4 bathrooms, shares the same stretch of exclusive sandy beach as pair of houses comprising a large estate which sold in mid 2006 for a record $24,000,000.

Your Mama Hears...

...from an unconfirmed source that English actor, car crasher, and practicing Buddhist Orlando Bloom recently painted his newly renovated house on Outpost Drive black. Yes, children, black. Oh dear. Bet the neighbors are thrilled. Yes puppies, black houses can be quite stylish...there's a natty and snazzy black shingled house around the corner from Your Mama's beach house that impresses us greatly. But considering that Mister Bloom's house is a sprawling ranch house with a blue tile roof, Your Mama is deeply concerned his house will look like a big damn bruise if indeed it's been painted black.

Property records show that Mister Bloom quietly purchased his 3,248 square foot house earlier in the year for $2,750,000 from the estate of a prominent civil rights attorney named Melanie Lomax, who perished in 2006 after her car tumbled down an embankment not far from her house. Previous to Miz Lomax, the house was owned by Thomas Gibson of the thankfully defunct Dharma and Greg sitcom, and according to The Movieland Directory, the singer Helen Reddy also shacked up here.

Buddhist Bloom is not the only big name celebrity to bunk down in this neck Outpost Estates. Bloom's 4 bedroom and 4 bathroom house sits on a three-quarter acre parcel just around the corner from behemoth breasted "did she or did she not have plastic surgery" Scarlett Johansson's new house and just a few doors down and across the street from one of the many houses that Academy Award winning actress Charlize Theron owns around Los Angeles.

Your Mama understands that Mister Bloom has made extensive renovations to the house and although he's a very, very private individual we can only hope he'll invite us over to see the changes when they're complete. And we promise to have an open mind about the black paint.

Source: Pacific Coast News (top photo)

UPDATE: Natalie Imbruglia

Way back in the third week of April Your Mama discussed the Hollywood Hills home of singer Natalie Imbruglia which at the time was on the market for $4,500,000. We're not even sure that native Australian Miz Imbruglia, who reportedly owns several homes all over the world, even lived in the house. Whatever the case, as Mister Big Time reported earlier today, Miz Imbruglia finally sold the 5,434 square foot house on St. Ives Drive for $3,725,000.

Although Your Mama does not have much additional report on the details of the sale, we did hear from a well placed source yesterday who whispered to Your Mama that the house was purchased by a Mexican heiress who dabbles in the film bizness. Apparently the heiress does not swim because unfortunately there is no swimming pool and if Your Mama has said it once we've said it a hundred times, we would not dream of paying more than three million clams for a house without a damn swimming pool.

UPDATE: Ellen Degeneres

By now, all the children surely know that talk show queen and real estate maven Ellen Degeneres and her horse loving ladee pal Portia Di Rossi recently purchased a freshly built Bev Hills mansion from ridiculously rich and successful Will and Grace co-creator Max Mutchnick and his entertainment attorney huzband Erik Hyman.

Your Mama hears the somewhat secretive purchase was a hot topic in the swanky salons and better brokerages all up and down Sunset Boulevard, at least in part because no real estate agents were used in the transaction. Over the last few weeks, several informants and tipsters have quietly called and contacted Your Mama with all sorts of interesting tidbits from the gossip grapevine.

In addition to the newly built 8,500+ square foot main house, the private and very well secured property above Coldwater Canyon includes a 2,500+ square foot guest house as well as a 5,000 square bunker under–yes children, under–the newly built and miraculously engineered swimming pool that includes a full staff apartment complete with gourmet kitchen, mountain views, and two bathrooms, because, you know, even the staff of the rich and famous prefer not to share terlits. Your Mama understands there is also a full gym down there with another bathroom and an 8-car underground garage for all of Ellen's four wheeled Porsches. The two-legged Portia stays up in the main house we presume.

It was confirmed by a well placed source that although krazy Spice Gurl Victoria Beckham and her hot bodied ball kicking huzband did indeed tour the Mutchnick/Hyman property during their extensive and exhaustive home search earlier in the year, the house was not for actually for sale. However, what Ellen wants, Ellen gets. And let's face it children, money talks.

This is how Your Mama heard it all came down: Although they are not close friends, Mister Mutchnick and and Miz D. run in the same high powered homosexual Hollywood circle. So one night the gurls came over for a casual dinner with the boys and a tour of the freshly done house. Ellen apparently went wild with desire and even before a perfectly grilled piece of meat appeared on the meticulously set table, the determined Miz D. made an offer fit for a couple of queens. Haggling ensued. Attorneys were called. Ms. Mutchnick wanted to see three in front of the number because she likes her cashmere. However, the foursome settled on a purchase price of just over $29,000,000, with no brokers fee. That's 31.8 million clams to you and me kids. As was reported in the Wall Street Journal, the deal included just about every damn thing in the house but the gentlemen's Helmut Lang suits and Paul Smith toothbrushes.

Since the power lezbeeuns have decamped from their Zorada Drive compound and moved up into the Hills of Beverly, they have taken great pains to ensure their privacy and security. Your Mama hears that Miz D. had dozens of additional security cameras installed, not to mention seven day a week armed guards on the premises. Miss Thing takes her privacy very seriously puppies, so don't even think about driving your beat up Ty-o-tahs up Cabrillo Drive without expecting a serious beat down from a 300 pound slab of beef with a mustache and a damn pistol.
As anyone who follows the constant churning of Miz D.'s real estate portfolio knows, the lezbeeun ladee loves a compound. Although we have been unable to confirm with property records, Your Mama hears from two very reliable sources that Ellen and Portia did indeed buy the house next door (shown above and at bottom of photo at top) from celebrity real estate agent Jade Mills and her huzband Adam. Once leased by East Coast based Jerry and Jessica Sienfeld at more than $25,000 per month, the house measures 4,580 square feet with 5 bedrooms and 4 bathrooms. No word on what the gurls have planned for the property. Another guest house? More quarters for staff? Tennis court?

Your Mama suspects that we'll see Miz D. and Portia DiR. buy up a third house on the street which would then allow the privacy nuts to apply for permission to gate a significant portion of the street, an almost unheard of situation in Bev Hills. Don't laugh kids, it could happen. As we already know, when it comes to real estate, Miz D. possesses alarmingly deep pockets and she does not like to take "no" for an answer.

In other Ellen real estate news, the lovely Christina S. N. Lewis at the Wall Street Journal reports that Miz D. recently accepted $20,000,000 for her Montecito hideaway that had been listed at $24,000,000. The sale price sounds like a huge concession until Your Mama reminds the children that she paid $15,750,000 for the property just one year ago. Behatcha knows how to flip that high end real estate, don't she?

Source: Pacific Coast News (photo at top)

Jason Biggs Moves and Sells

SELLER: Jason Biggs
LOCATION: Hollyridge Drive, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $1,549,000
SIZE: 1,930 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Super-private mini estate, set on a lush knoll hidden from the street. This turn-key Hollywoodland 1924 English is for the most discriminating buyer. A gated pedestrian entry unexpectedly leads to this jewel: A vintage-home flooded w /light. 3 bd. + office, 2 ba, large vaulted liv rm, formal din rm, updated vintage-styled kit w/ SS appliances, large fam rm/media rm. Abundant grass, terraces, rock walls–all with downtown/canyon views–provide gorgeous garden area w/ room for pool. A rare offering.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Back in late June, Your Mama discussed a trio of properties that were being bought, sold or flipped by former child actor turned mini real estate mogul Fred Savage. According to our ever faithful and always accurate tipster Lucy Spillerguts, the house located above Hollywood Boulevard that little Mister Savage and his wifey called home was purchased by actor Jason Biggs, who rose to fame as a lovable, sex-obsessed doofus dude in the teen sex comedy franchise American Pie.

Your Mama confesses that we never bothered to see American Pie, American Pie II, American Wedding, which was really American Pie III, or any of the other movies that feature Mister Biggs for that matter. It's not that we can't appreciate a mindless comedy. We can. But Your Mama simply refuses to pay 10 or 12 bucks to see some average looking dude stick his wing-wang in a pie when we can do that for free at one of the naughtier bars down in the East Village. Don't believe Your Mama? Well ask some of your more adventurous downtown New York friends about the once beloved and now shuttered Foxy, a seedy little bar on Avenue A where Your Mama and and our good pal Fiona Trambeau once watched a gal toss a salad in her hoo-ha. True story kids.

Anyhoo, after learning that Mister Biggs paid $2,249,000 to purchase the former Savage home, we got to wondering where he shacked up before. So naturally we consulted Lucy Spillerguts, our vast array of property records data bases and, the always interesting MLS. We learned that not only did Mister Biggs bed down in Beachwood Canyon, we discovered that his former home remains on the market with an asking price of $1,549,000.

Property records reveal that in May of 2003, no doubt flush with American Pie money, Mister Biggs paid $1,150,000 for this 1,930 square foot Country English-ish style house that happens to sit just down the hill and across the road from cinematographer Lance Acord's lovely for sale mid-century modern that Your Mama discussed a few weeks ago.

Listing information indicates that the uber-private property with a nice high hedge at the front includes 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, an additional office, a large vaulted living room (which doesn't look vaulted in the photo), a formal dining room, an updated vintage-styled kitchen, a family room/media room, natch, and out back lots of grassy areas and rock walled terraces that look over the canyon towards the glittery downtown skyline.

Clearly Mister Biggs has already decamped to his new digs on Hollywood Boulevard because this place has obviously been staged to within an inch of acceptability. This bland "decor," if the definition of "decor" stretches to encompass this sort of banal mess, has Your Mama reaching for a nerve pill and a strong gin and tonic to wash it down. Lawhd children, certainly a home can be staged better than this, right? It looks like some anal retentive mid-level manager lives here with his mousey mommy wifey who makes sure the carpet is always vacuumed, the children scrubbed, and there's hot meat on the table at 6pm.

Your Mama happens to like the kooky down to earth Beachwood Canyon area, and we like a house that provides the sort of privacy this one appears to offer. But we are concerned that it's quite a schlep with groceries from the driveway down to the house that is located at the bottom of a long, gently sloping stairway. If you're Jason Biggs, you just get your poorly paid assistant to hike back and forth. But if you're an average person with a weekly house cleaner who refuses to do your laundry or shine your shoes, well guess what? You get a work out by making several trips up an down the steps hauling in the groceries. Your might like that if you're one of those stereotypical Los Angeles health nuts who actually enjoys working out. But not so fine if you're Your Mama, who would rather sit on the sofa and eat candy than work a damn exercise machine.

We hear from several of our real estate sources in Los Angeles that the bottom and top end of the markets seem to be holding fine–unless you're in the San Fernando Valley where you can watch prices fall daily on the giddy blog May Fifth and Everything After. But we understand that these $1-2,000,000 properties are having a more difficult time finding buyers willing to cough up a not insignificant wad of cash for a so-so location with an ordinary looking house with shit brown paint that doesn't even have a damn swimming pool.

So Your Mama wishes Mister Biggs luck and grace in selling his former home at price that will still put a few extra pennies in his pocket. Fortunately he's got room to reduce the price if necessary and still make a couple hundred grand.

But before we head out to have our head shrunk, and we need it after discussing this house, Your Mama would like to offer Mister Biggs some unsolicited and unsophisticated career advice: Stop it with the teen sex romp movies. We know the pay is good–it bought you a two million dollar house after all–but if you keep doing these trashy movies you're never going to get out of playing roles that have you prematurely ejaculating on some poor actress who's hoping American Pie Six will be her big break. Okay now, we're through. Live well and prosper kids.

Carolyn Murphy's Model Home in Brentwood

SELLER: Carolyn Murphy
LOCATION: S. Medio Drive, Brentwood, CA
PRICE: $3,650,000
SIZE: 3,386 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Meticulously restored 1920s Spanish in the hrt fo Bwood. Completed w/ grt taste, quality & sensitivity to the orig architecture. Old World charm yet ideal for today's lifestyle. Fab chef's kitch & adjacent fam rm w/ vaulted beamed ceiling open to patios & lg pvt yard. Family flr plan w/ 4 br's, 3 ba, inc wful sin-filled master w/ beau bath & 2 walk-ins. Ofc/art studio bonus room. Hdwd flrs, orig tiles, iron work, & walled courtyard. A hidden jewel on over 10,000 sq. ft lot in Brentwood.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Your Mama already knows that we are going to get all sorts of angry and indignant phone calls and emails from all you righteous readers of recently defunct House & Garden magazine screaming about how you recently read an article about mega model Carolyn Murphy living up in her bohemian chic contemporary house in Venice Beach and not in this Spanish style house just east of swanky Brentwood Park. Ugh. We have two words for y'all: She moved.

According to a very, very reliable source, and buffeted by property records, big money making model and single mommy Miss Murphy, who was dee-vorced in 2002 from a gentleman named Jake and more recently was linked with and reportedly split from Incubus front man Brandon Boyd, purchased this house in September of 2006 for $3,420,000, probably shortly after the H&G people styled and snapped her previous home in arty farty Venice Beach, where records reveal she actually lived for just 6 or 8 months, depending on how one counts.

Your Mama can't fathom why the super successful model turned wannabe actress decamped from colorful Venice Beach to comparatively staid Brentwood just one year ago and is up and packing her Louis Vuitton cases and moving again so soon. However, we do know that unlike so many other rich and famous types who buy and (attempt to) flip at an exorbitant profit, Miss Murphy will barely sneak by with her initial investment if the house sells for its current asking price of $3,650,000.

Listing information indicates that the 3,386 square foot family friendly house was recently renovated with a sensitive hand retaining the integrity of the original architecture including maintaining at least some of the original tiles and iron work. All good stuff in Your Mama's book. In addition to the 4 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms, listing information shows that the house, located just north of pretty San Vicente Boulevard, includes a chef's kitchen, and an office/art studio for the work at home creative types.

Due to its "tweenish," neither here nor there feeling location, Your Mama is not big on the charms of living in Brentwood, and were the Dr. Cooter and Your Mama in the market for a new house, we would absolutely require that a house in this price range have a swimming pool. No pool, no three and a half million dollar deal. Of course, Miss Murphy has a small child so perhaps she prefers not to deal with the potential headaches and hazards that swimming pools sometimes represent to people with children rather than dogs.

However, that said, Your Mama loves the Spanish architecture meets modern lifestyle that this house exudes. We think it could use a bit more sass and sizzle, and we confess that given Miss Murphy is just 32 years old we expected to see a slightly younger vibe inside. What Your Mama sees instead is an earthy well traveled bohemian model chic meets millionaire single working mommy sort of look, which is not altogether a bad thing. But there are moments that present an ever so slight air of matronly. Sorry, Miss Murphy, but there are. Yes, it's that baby grand piano and the patterned curtains in the living room that looks like no one sits in it where we take most umbrage. Do you (or your child) actually play that piano Miss Murphy? If so, it's fine. If not, well, it's just a decorating pretense isn't it, and it should really go.

Moving on to the things we appreciate. At the front of the house a large walled courtyard is the perfect spot for whittling away the mornings reading the morning newspaper, slugging strong coffee, and letting our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly yap at every passerby and annoy all the upscale neighbors who live cheek by jowl in this part of Brentwood.

The warm, functional looking, and large kitchen with big ass appliances and acres of butcher block counter top spills easily into the family room with its high wood beamed ceiling, a wall of bookshelves (with actual books, bless you Miss Murphy), and that gorgeous red rug. Any of Your Mama's children who have ever been to our house at the beach knows that we L.O.V.E. a nice red rug to get the eyeballs dancing.

Upstairs, the master suite is complete with two walk in closets, floor to ceiling French doors, and a beauteous bathroom. We're digging the vaguely Moroccan thing that's happening in there with the gorgeous green tiled and glass enclosed shower, and while we would never dream of actually taking a bath and sitting in our own filth, Your Mama thinks that's one lovely soaking tub, a respectable update on a classic claw foot rather than one of those horrible new-fangled things that does color therapy and shit. No thank you.

Out in the back we find a marvelous covered porch with a green and white checkerboard tile floor perfect for sipping stiff cocktails in the late afternoon and gossiping with The Chicken, Your Mama's oldest friend in the world. The backyard landscaping, with it's dangling Olive tree and crushed granite patio exudes an Old World and pleasant Mediterranean courtyard vibe that is successfully merged with that wonderful and contemporary wall of arched glass that connects the inside with the outside.

Given that Miss Murphy is still an extremely bizzy, in demand and successful moe-dell who graces magazine covers and gets paid the big bucks to appear in advertisements, we would not be surprised to learn that she's headed back east to her former home base of New York. Or not. Wherever she and her child land, we are quite certain that this poor gurl from a trailer park in Florida, will not be headed back there any time soon.

More Real Estate Woes For Michael Jackson

As Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch steamrolls towards a January 19th foreclosure and he shacks up and squats with various family friends and benefactors around the country, there's even more bad news on his real estate horizon.

Mister Roger Friedman at Fox News, who always has the most current and salacious gossip about The White Lady, reported late last week that according to the L.A. County Treasurer, the long time Jackson family home on Hayvenhurst Avenue in Encino CA is in tax default to the tune of $16,283 and ten damn cents.

Jackson, who is the owner of record on the 10,476 square foot house, is required to pay the tax debt or the County is sure to take whatever steps are required to recover the back taxes. It's one thing to screw with the banks children, but it's another foolish operation entirely to mess with with the tax man, because he'd rather sell your children to a molester than let your back taxes slide. Oh, wait, hmm...

Interestingly and shockingly, the 5 bedroom and 7 bathroom house on Hayvenhurst can't be sold at much of a profit given that there's already a $4,000,000 mortgage on the property, which would surely eat up much of the sale price of the home IF the family ever decided to sell.

As Your Mama and the well informed Mister Friedman see it, The White Lady could easily sell his stake in Sony/ATV Music Publishing which would not only cover his mind altering (and reported) $340,000,000 debt, but leave enough bank to provide Mister Jackson, those three white children of his, and the krazy talking Raymone Bain a nice home and a plush life for many years to come. But alas...

In the meantime, where's Tito? Where's Janet or that freaky looking LaToya? Jermaine? Marlon? Where are you? Your Mama knows that one of you has got to have the financial wherewithal to pay the sixteen grand to save the family house.

P.S. Your Mama would like to thank B.J. Beaverman for her research on this one.

Crime and Misdemeanors in LA

Since this blog is really meant to be a discussion about celebrity real estate, we would normally leave a discussion about crime statistics to the fine folks over at Curbed LA or one of the other many real estate blogs focussed on life in LA. However, since there has been so much chatter and commentary on this blog over the last six months about crime levels and popo response time in the Hancock Park area, we thought we'd tackle the issue head on this morning.

Some say the area is perfectly safe while others say it's a lawless ghetto where homeless people crap on your lawn and hooligans run wild and unchecked by the LAPD. So naturally, being the curious and nosy type that we are, we wanted to know...what are the real crime statistics?

Your Mama, with the help of the always helpful Lucy Spillerguts, took to the internets and fidgeted and finagled with the LAPD Crime Map to look up reported crimes in the Hancock Park area over the last seven days, which is what the map above indicates. All the fraidy cat children who are always going on about how crime infested Hancock Park is can see that there was only one reported crime there in the last seven days. That's right kids, one.

The crime was a grand theft auto situation on the fourth of December that took place on the 1400 block of McCadden at 1:30 in the afternoon. Incidentally, there was also a grand theft auto crime on the fourth of December on the 1500 block of Doheny Drive, right on the border of West Hollywood and Beverly damn Hills too.

Now that we've cleared that up, shall we discuss the crime wave that has swept through Bel Air and Beverly Hills over the last few years?

Madonna Burning Up Over Co-op Rejection

Although most of the time Madonna and Guy Ritchie reside in London where they are rumored to own as many as six townhouses in the Marylebone area, it's long been rumored and reported that she and the Mister are looking to expand their real estate empire in the Big Apple.

The Kabbalah Kween has long called Harperley Hall her New York City base, a second tier building on Central Park West where the material girl first purchased a co-operative apartment back when she was married to actor Sean Penn.

Now puppies, before we get scad of emails and phone calls, don't misunderstand Your Mama. We are not saying Harperley Hall is a pile of shit. It's a lovely full service building with well scaled pre-war apartments overlooking the park. It is not, however, The Dakota or The Beresford or even the San Remo, where poor Madge was famously rejected by the stiff co-op board when she tried to buy a three bedroom, $1,200,000 unit back in 1985.

Anyhoo, over the years the material mommy purchased two more adjacent units at Harperley Hall and combined them into a 6,000 square foot duplex (pictured above) that her brother Christopher did over into a sleek, sophisticated and elegant 1930s urban pad filled with Art Deco velvet furniture and quite a few paintings by Polish painter Tamara de Lempicka. It's really quite expensive looking, but it does not look like the sort of place to have two small boys running around knocking shit over.

Well, now that Madge has that cute new child from Malawi and she's not yet purchased any of the many gigantic and grand townhouses on the Upper East Side that she's eye balled, 6,000 square feet is simply not enough space for a family of five and the small army of assistants, nannies, trainers, cooks and etc. that are required to keep a high powered celebrity home running efficiently. So, according to recent reports, she tried buy another adjacent seventh floor unit to incorporate into her already three unit Harperley Hall combo. But the board rejected the purchase.

And a hush fell over the Upper West Side.

So, no doubt rabid and frothing at the rejection, the used to getting her way entertainer did what anyone with a few hundred million dollars does. She called her attorneys and filed a damn law suit against the board requesting they allow the sale to proceed and to cover her court costs and legal fees. Oh yes she did. Probably not exactly the best way to ingratiate yourself with the neighbors who sit on the board, so she must really want that apartment.

Madonna may be the biggest name celebrity who shacks up at Harperley Hall, but she's not the only one. Property records reveal that comedic actress Fran Drescher and her annoying voice own a fifth floor unit. We tease. We love Frannie and her campy made up voice.

In addition to Madge's Manhattan duplex, shes' got those six townhouses in London, Ashcombe House, the family's 1,200-acre country estate in south Wiltshire once owned by famed photographer Cecil Beaton, and a somewhat modest mansion on Sunset Boulevard in Beverly Hills. That's all the properties that Your Mama is aware of, but we would not be surprised to learn she's also got some ultra posh Caribbean getaway or a fetching finca in Spain.

As it stands, co-op boards are not currently required to provide a reason or justification for a rejection, so it'll be interesting to see what develops and results from the lawsuit. Your Mama makes no predictions because co-op boards wield a strange and staggering kind of power that we're not certain can be foiled by a judge...at least not until the law changes that will require boards to provide a justifiable reason for rejections. Until then, Madonna battles on.

Source: Architectural Digest/Durston Saylor (photos)

UPDATE: Palazzo Chupi

There has been a lot of speculation and rumor about just who is buying into egolicious artist Julian Schnabel's pinky red behemoth in the West Village, a controversial and ornate building that Your Mama happens to love not for it's missing beauty marks, but simply because it flips the proverbial bird at all the lovely but ubiquitous glass towers that have and continue to sprout all up and down the far West Side of Manhattan.

What a nice change of pace to get something loaded with pizazz and personality versus one of these banal Costas Kondylis monstrosities or yet another gorgeous, sleek and minimalist glass things by Richard Meier or Winka Dubbeldam.

First, some stinking rich banking dude name William J.B. Brady bought one of the units, then aging sexy man Richard Gere and his wifey Carrie Lowell picked up a place.

Then the shit really hit the gossip fan when everyone, including Your Mama, was whispering and writing that the U2 front man turned global crusader decided to move from his smoke filled co-operative apartment at the swanky San Remo on the Upper West Side and into the pinkish palazzo.

Well, according to New York Magazine, he's not packing his uptown shelaighlieghs and moving downtown after all.

The oh so lovely So Chic Darling whispered this tidbit of information in our ear weeks ago (and we have the email to prove it), but stoopidly, we sat on the information for no good bloody reason.

Sources: Toni Dalton for The Villager (photo)

Ashley Olsen Buys, Sells, and Gives Up

BUYER: Ashley Olsen
LOCATION: N. Mansfield Avenue, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $1,575,000 (sale)
SIZE: 2,332 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: ...exterior accented by wrought iron, casement windows, and second-floor balcony with wooden balustrades, the residence invites. Within, plaster walls with heavy massing, alcoves, and rustic beamed ceilings impart a warm, hand-crafted ambiance. A signature arch separates the LR and DR and is repeated at the fireplace. Beyond a room-like covered patio, the private, tiled pool and spa is set within a lush landscape and evokes a true tropical resort feel.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: The rumors are true, children. According to Jim Nasium, a lovely gentleman who cruises and peruses the "solds" in the MLS and knows a little something about celebrity real estate, Your Mama has fi-na-lee confirmed that teeny tiny twin titan Ashley Olsen did indeed buy a modest house in Hancock Park.

To be honest, after receiving some additional information from our always helpful and always funny Fairy Godmother in Bel Air, Your Mama does not know whether we are perplexed or impressed by the modesty of Little Miss Ashley's new property. Keep in mind children, that along with her fashion disaster sister Mary Kate, these itty bitty Range Rover driving behatchas used to own a spectacular $4,300,000 Hal Levitt designed home in Bel Air and the sprawling penthouse they bought but never occupied at the butt-uglee Morton Square building in the far West Village of Manhattan is currently on the market for $11,995,000. It was also recently reported in New York Magazine that the wee millionaire recently gave up her $15,000 per month Grove Street duplex rental in the West Village.

So clearly this little ladee in a pair of high priced high heel shooz, who made a reported $17,000,000 this year, can afford something a little less pedestrian and in a far more private location. Now puppies, Your Mama has a soft spot in our cold heart for these twig sized twins. They've worked their entire childhoods, earned a few hundred million smackers and as a result they bear the awesome responsibility to support a vast network of DualStar executives, factory workers, family members, private staff and security, not to mention nearly single handedly paying the leases at Maxfield and Fred Segal with all their Black AmEx purchasing.

Anyhoo, Little Miss Ashley recently picked up this little Spanish style cutie for $1,575,000. And that's not a rumor children, that's what the tiny tycoon actually paid for the 2,332 square foot house that includes 4 bedrooms and three bathrooms. Miss Olsen purchased the house from a very successful Director or Photography and it's just our uneducated and snarky guess that she'll soon have her industrial cleaners and a team of nice gay decorators in here scrubbing, bleaching and furnishing the place to within an inch of it's life and having an army of landscapers and security experts on the premises to create a safe and private retreat.

Keep in mind kids, that the interior furnishings here are NOT those of Miss Ashley, but rather the seller of the property. None the less, Your Mama can not help but to offer a few comments. Certainly a better solution was to be found for the television shoved into the corner of the bedroom and we might have better appreciated and more contemporary and even glitzy chandelier in the dining room to offset the architecture and the organic table. Also, we happen to know there is a large and nasty pot rack above the commercial grade range in the kitchen, and who doesn't know by now how Your Mama feels about a pot rack? However, overall we rather like the stylish, quirky, easily lived in, didn't pay a decorator a small fortune vibe and Your Mama could imagine feeling quite comfortable in this little Spanish casa...even if it is in crime riddled Hancock Park.

Out back, the swimming pool is really quite lovely and sophisticated and modern looking. We even like the black bottom look and naturally we adore all the high walled landscaping around the pool deck which should allow Miss Olsen, should she choose, to sun her barely there breasts in relative privacy. Then again, almost no one tans naturally in Los Angeles anymore, do they? Your Mama adores the covered porch off the living room that provides an excellent, shady and cool spot for Little Miss Ashley to sip gin and tonics, pour over all the latest glossy tabs and entertain her latest in a long line of beaus looking to sidle up next to her bank account.

However, not all sits well with Your Mama in the back yard. The children will note that in order to get to that inviting swimming pool, one must cross the driveway and step around the big square G55. Not only that, but while sprawled out on the cushioned chaise lounge poolside, one's big dirty whips loom forbiddingly as they sit parked in the driveway. Yes of course children, the cars can always be put into the two car garage, but what if Ashley converts the garage into a monster dressing room for all her Balanciaga bags, Chanel separates and Louboutin spikes? What then?

Listing information for the property shows that the laundry is located in the garage. What?! Now puppies, Little Miss Ashley probably does not actually launder her own clothes, she's simply too pampered for that. In fact, we're not sure the clothes horse wears any one item twice, which kinda eliminates the needs to launder the designer duds at all. However, is it really fair, when you have more than a hundred million clams, to ask your housekeeper to wash the linens and bath towels in a dirty grease smelling garage? Can you pay Hortencia enough for that indignity?

Now, for all your krazy kats out there who think it would be cute to jump in your sad little Saturns and drive over to Hancock Park to catch a glimpse of this mega rich young ladee in her private habitat: Get a grip, fools. Because you can bet your mama's life that Little Miss Ashley will have this places secured like Fort Knox and if you think that three hundred pound slab of beef security guard won't break your arm if you set even one toe on the property, well you're even more stoopid that Your Mama thought. Seriously kids, there's simply nothing more justifiably humiliating than being given a public smack down because you want to see a celeb live and up close. Hunnies, please, that's what the T.V., the tabs and the internets are for.

Anyhoo, Your Mama wishes Little Miss Ashley and her big Mercedes a happy home in Hancock Park. Be sure to give Your Mama a call when you get settled because we've got some nice knickknacks for you.

P.S. For anyone curious about where the Little Miss Mary Kate and all her baubles, chains and bracelets live...she shacks up in a very, very private rental up in the The Birds.

Inside Ellen's House

No babies, we don't have slick and pornographic photos of the inside of Ellen and Portia's new house in the Hills of Beverly. We'd love them, but alas.

However, thanks to an inspired and generous commenter, we're able to provide a YouTube video clip from Ellen's television gab fest that shows the talk show titan getting ready for the Emmy's in her new house. While we might consider selling one of Sister Woman's children for a full scale peep, we happily make do with brief glimpses of a prison gray bedroom with a lush garden outside the wall sized picture window, what appears to be a make up area in the master bathroom, and a few shots of the cavernous living room with its twin overstuffed white sofas, concert grand piano, two fireplaces, vaulted ceilings and clerestory windows.

Surprisingly, it's all a bit less mid-century modern and more "I'm a very rich woman in Beverly Hills eclectic," but it's still casually cozy kick up your feet comfortable looking.

Those Lucky Bommers

Buckle yer seat belts babies because Your Mama is feeling particularly long winded today. So grab yourself a steaming cup of coffee, a cute little gin and tonic or whatever it is that you drink to get you through the day, sit back and let Your Mama take you on up to the Upper East Side where some of Manhattan's most moneyed shack up in co-ops and condominiums that cost more than the GDP of some small countries.

Your Mama is tuckered out and plum tarhd of hearing all the sniping and griping in the (New York) media about how hedge funds are in crisis and that Wall Street bonuses are going to be down this year which means that all the good people in real estate are going to go without food and water next year because Wall Streeters simply won't have the extra coin to pay cash for a 3,500 square foot loft in TriBeCa or a few million to spare on a summer house in Southampton. Your Mama don't believe it.

The hedge fund honchos, private equity princes and freakishly rich futures traders seem to have no shortage of money to toss around on high end New York City real estate. Case in point, Mister Scott Bommer and his lovely wife Donya. Earlier this week, the erudite Max Abeleson reported in the Manhattan Transfers column of the NY Observer that the socially active and philanthropic pair paid "around $46,000,000" for a duplex penthouse co-op on Fifth Avenue, a record price for a co-operative apartment and a purchase which guarantees Mister and Missus Bommer a place in the real estate gossip hall of fame.

Before we begin discussing the Bommer's obscenely expensive real estate, Your Mama would like to say that by all reports and accounts Mister Bommer is a compassionate and hard working man who gives both time and money to help the less fortunate and is a director of the Robin Hood Foundation. But let's be honest, compared to the Bommers, everyone is less fortunate, right?

In addition to raking in tens of millions with his eponymous SAB Capital Management firm, Mister and Missus Bonner appear to have a knack for buying and selling high end properties at significant profits. According to property records, back in September of 2003 the newly nuptialed couple dumped $3,600,000 for a 33rd floor condo at the Trump International, The Donald's phallic black glass tower at 1 Central Park West, which they sold in October 2005 for $5,950,000, an impressive $2,350,000 profit in just two years of ownership.

The couple, according to property records, went on to fork over an even more impressive $12,375,000 in September of 2005 for a 14th floor sprawler at the super dee-luxe white glove building located at 1040 Fifth Avenue (pictured below), one floor below the 15th floor apartment occupied by the iconic and marriage savvy Jackie O. until she crossed over to the other side.

Overlooking the Metropolitan Museum and the tree tops of Central Park, the Bommer's 11 room, 4,700 square foot residence features 4 family bedrooms and 4 bathrooms plus 2 staff rooms, each with it's own bathroom. Fireplaces warm the living room and the library, and the 27 foot long dining room is large enough to feed an battalion of stinking rich hedge hogs. A small terrace off the master bedroom provides an excellent place for the homeowners, if they are so inclined, to smoke a high grade doobie in private after the children have been put to bed.

Although 1040 Fifth Avenue is a limestone clad Rosorio Candela designed building, the young Bommers have smartly moved away from the early American antique and chintz sofa look so popular with the old school Upper East Side blue bloods. While chintz king Mario Buatta does what he does excellently (if a little too exuberantly for Your Mama), we much prefer to see filthy rich young people living up in an apartment that reflects a more modern point of view.

We're not sure if the Bommer's had a nice gay decorator or if Missus Bommer did the place up herself, but whatever the case it's clearly intended to be a study in the nuances of white. Naturally Your Mama is jelly kneed over all that blinding white paint. We just love a sun blasted apartment with art gallery white walls. And of course we love nothing more than a living room full of white sofas for our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly to soil with their dirty little paws. So the living room we like, just don't tell PETA about that flattened animal carcass in there or they'll be throwing blood balloons all over the front of 1040 Fifth.

The mammoth dining room with its long glass table top and 14 barely there Phillipe Starck Ghost Chairs give the room a not so subtle feel of an igloo. So, even though we're not big on the pink color, we're thrilled to see that large triptych on the back wall which manages to keep the room from looking like icy inside of a damn freezer. Now, let's discuss that white shag rug. Yes children, it looks expensive, but it's just not practical. One really ought not ask multi millionaire dinner guests to remove their dirty John Lobbs and mucked up Manolo Blahniks before sitting down at the table for a gourmet dinner prepared by a private chef. And what happens when the boozed up guests start dropping food on that pristine thing? Fortunately the Bommers have as much money as a Colombian drug lord so they can afford to simply replace it, but for those with just a few million rather than a few hundred million, Your Mama does not recommend a white rug for the dining room.

Into the library and we wonder how this room sneaked into this crystalline palace. And the blue carpet? Oh dear heavens, no. Perhaps it's just a bad photo of a good room?

Although the Bommer's only purchased their Fifth Avenue digs two years ago, they're already moving on. The peripatetic pair put their palatial place on the market for $25,000,000, and according to listing information, the property has gone to contract. We can safely assume the couple is getting something near the asking price when you consider that Jackie O.'s former pad upstairs sold last year for a reported $32,000,000.

One item of note for the children to ponder...$25,000,000 might buy a spine tingling view of Central Park, white glove service in one of the city's top co-op buildings, a small terrace, and 10 times more square footage than the average New Yorker, but it does not buy central air conditioning. Yes puppies, even in some of the finest apartments lining Fifth and Park Avenues, including the Bommer's crib at 1040, the ridiculously rich residents must shove cheap air conditioners in every window to remain calm, cool, and collected during the sickeningly hot summer months just like the poor people. Air conditioning happens to be one of the great equalizers among the economic classes in New York City.


According to Abelson, the couple is not moving far. As we mentioned above, the cash rich couple has reportedly inked a deal to purchase a duplex penthouse (pictured above) two blocks north at 1060 Fifth Avenue for around $46,000,000, a staggering and record breaking number. And what does around $46,000,000 buy a youngish and extraordinarily rich couple in Manhattan you might ask?

According to listing information, the "duplex" is actually two separate spaces that have yet to be combined into one humongous building topper. And children, keep in mind it's not a foregone conclusion that the two units can be combined...any plans to merge the 12 rooms on the 13th floor and the five rooms on the 14th floor will require board approval and, according to Mister Abelson's lovely interview with the writer, poet, and seller Georgia Shreve, the persnickety co-op board already nixxed her request to combine the to two spaces several years ago. Perhaps they'll change their minds for the unfathomably well to do Bommers?

Combined, according to listing information, the stately apartments count 17 rooms, 7 bedrooms and 6.5 bathrooms including a gargantuan master suite on the first level with 8 closets, 2 bathrooms, a sitting room and a private office, 2 living rooms, 2 dining rooms, 2 libraries, 2 kitchens, a 10 x 10 foot formal bar which will delight the booze hounds among us, 4 fireplaces, and a 114.5 foot long, four sided, south facing terrace with a greenhouse that is entirely wrapped with a dignified stone balustrade overlooking Central Park.

Although we are swooning over all the plaster moldings and perfectly scaled architectural detailing, it appears the current interior decor is that particular brand of Upper East Side doyenne chic that Your Mama finds oppressively patterned with too fussy curtain treatments and scads of creepy oil painting portraits of historical figures and pedigreed family members. All well and good if you're a mega rich society maven in a classic YSL suit and a pair of conservative Ferragamo pumps. But not so much if your an achingly rich young family like the Bommers.

Your Mama hopes they'll leave all that spectacular detailing, but based on their previous crib, we imagine that after the units are combined and the rooms reconfigured at considerable expense, the Bommer's and their team nice gay decorators will gleefully strip the place of all the traditional wallpaper, paint it all a glorious chalk white and fill it with a million dollars worth of contemporary but warm and family friendly furniture. We're thinking maybe the couple might like to consider the sophisticated, talented, and expensive interior designer John Barman, who masterfully mixes staid architecture with a modern sensibility, and thankfully does not shy away from injecting bright colors into an otherwise white room..

Your Mama also hopes that the couple visits the galleries in Chelsea, the East End of London and the Dashanzi district in Shanghai to buy up a few hundred thousand dollars worth of striking works by emerging and promising artists so that all that Wall Street money can trickle down Reagan style to the artist folks.

Just so that the children don't worry that the Bommers are stuck in New York City in the sweltering and stifling heat of the summer, property records reveal to Your Mama that in November of 2006 the real estate rich couple plunked down $18,300,000 for a 6,729 square foot ocean front fixer on posh Gin Lane in Southampton. Lucky them.

So how do the children feel now about the oft reported demise of hedge funds and/or the decrease in Wall Street bonuses? Hmm.

Ricky Martin Is Flipping Out in Florida

SELLER: Ricky Martin
LOCATION: Ocean Boulevard, Golden Beach, FL
PRICE: $22,500,000
SIZE: 9,882 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 7 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: 2 Story Mediterranean estate in one of Florida's most exclusive private oceanfront communities, 24 hour security patrol in community and beach!!! Making it a desirable location for celebrities and int'l homeowners. Your own private 108 FT beach modern comfort throughout. New gourmet kitchen with morning room, Top of the line finishes. Formal dining plus open living area. Master suite with his and her bath, walk-in closets, terrace and stunning open views.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Hot-cha-cha singer Ricky Martin has really been on a real estate roll the last couple of years. In the Spring of 2006 Mister Hard and Smooth Body unloaded a fully renovated 9,202 square foot casa high in the Hills of Beverly that sits right next door to one of media magnate Rupert Murdoch's many mansions. That $15,000,000 sale was quickly followed by the shedding of his 65th floor unit at the Time Warner Center in New York City for $9,750,000.

Then the Puerto Rican pop star with the perky nipples listed his Miami mansion on N. Bay Road for $16,900,000 which he had bought only two years earlier for $10,000,000. Property records still show the house in Mister Martin's name so it seems the house never sold and try as we might, we were not able to find an active listing for the property.

Next, in the Spring of 2007, the swivel hipped singer with a thing for bikini bathing suits dropped around $7,000,000 for a swanky and sexy 2,637 square foot loft in the Herzog de Meuron designed 40 Bond building in New York City and in April of 2007 he plunked down another $16,250,000 for an orante ocean front mansion in pricey, but sedate Golden Beach, FL.

There was much speculation about whether the glizty entertainer would actually move to the new house in Golden Beach or if it was simply another high end real estate investment. Now, thanks to the ever faithful and delicious Mugsy Fairweather, we know. The bon bon shaking performer is indeed attempting to flip the 9,288 square foot Ocean Boulevard mansion, and in true celebrity house flipper style, Mister Big and Beautiful Booty has listed the place for $22,500,000. Yes children, Señor Ricky Martin is hoping to pocket more than six million clams on the sale of the residence he purchased just 8 months ago. It takes some nerve to attempt this kind of high priced flip amid all the hoopla about a declining market and all that crap.

Due to the flailing Florida real estate market, we didn't think the soon to be dee-vorced Mister Hulk Hogan and his krazy handlebar mustache could flip his N. Bay Road property for a massive profit earlier this year, but lo and behold he did to the sweet tune of a nearly $7,000,000 profit. So we make no predictions on whether Mister Martin will bank boo-coo bucks or if he'll be eating his itty bitty tight fitting shorts on this deal. Only time will tell.

Listing information for the two-third acre property indicates that in addition to all the standard rooms, the Mediterranean-ish manse features 5 bedrooms, 7 bathrooms, an ocean front swimming pool, garage parking for at least 4 cars, and a 1 bedroom and 1 bathroom guest house perfect for a well built live in pool boy.

With all this buying and selling it's tough to know where RRRicky Marrr-tan, who reportedly also owns a place down in Puerto Rico, parties with his posse of tan, tattooed and well built friends or where he beds down at night in the arms of, uhm, who? Who does he bed down with? It ain't none of Your Mama's bizness and this blog is NOT about Ricky Martin's love life, but how come we never read about Mister Martin squiring big chested gurls around to all the international hot spots?

Okay then. Back to earth. Winter's here. Stay warm puppies.

Ellen and Portia Move On Up to The Beverly Hills

Oh Ellen. Your Mama is always so impressed with your inspired choices of homes. First it was the somewhat modest and secluded place on Lime Orchard Road in Beverly Hills where the fast fading singer/reality star Jessica Simpson now lives the tabloid life of a sad single woman on the hunt for a marriageable man.

Then it was that trio of lovelies up on Woodrow Wilson Drive and Woodstock Road that you sold off to a trio of celebrities (Heath Ledger, Will Ferrell and some big chested soap stud).

Then there were the casually sophisticated ranches in the Santa Ynez Valley that had just about every design queen wanting to strap on a pair of chaps and herd the sheep. And let's not forget the well groomed George Washington Smith designed stunner around the corner from Oprah's fiefdom in Montecito that you have reportedly sold recently at a multi-million dollar profit.

Most recently there was the mini-compound up on Zorada drive that included a long, low and louche Marmol and Radziner designed house and that other cutie down the slope a bit.

And now, here you are, with your lady lover Portia, back in Beverly Hills, in the house you bought from Will and Grace co-creator Max Mutchnick after he spent millions renovating the place. Tucked into a little ravine with sweeping views over the city that once chewed you up and spit you out because you dared reveal publicly that you live the love that dare not speak it's name.

And now look at you, sitting in your big beautifully renovated house laughing all the way to the bank and refusing to take the calls of all those producer assholios who once maligned you as they sifted through their salads at The Ivy and hatefully whispered things like, "We can't do anything with her now that she's a God. Damn. Lezbeeun." The sister owns those pieces of shit now.

Your Mama does not have much information on your new house because it was never on the open market. However, we do hear through the real estate grapevine that you paid an absolute fortune for the place, and it's rumored that you would like to or have already quietly purchased the house next door that is owned by the dignified and successful celebrity real estate agent Jade Mills. We got no proof of that gossip, but it certainly makes sense to Your Mama given your predilection for compounds.

Go on and decorate the hell out of this place with your signature brand of mid century modern meets a campsite meets a sophisticated 1940 penthouse apartment. Then invite Your Mama over for a look see because you know we have developed a case of the hives just wondering what nice things you're doing with the place.

It's not that Your Mama wears rose tinted decorating spectacles and think every decorating choice is spot on. But truth be told, you, Portia and your small army of nice gay decorators do up your residences better than most of the rich and famous folks we discuss here who have heaps of money to buy, sell, renovate and decorate to their pocketbooks delight.

Now, get on down to Robertson and Beverly Boulevards and buy a showroom full of furniture so some well shod and impeccably groomed design maven can keep his or her doors open another year.

Source: Pacific Coast News (photo)

Anna Faris and Ben Indra Selling At A Loss

SELLERS: Anna Faris and Ben Indra
LOCATON: Harlesden Court, Los Angeles CA
PRICE: $1,995,000
SIZE: 2,563 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Located on a cul-de-sac this well priced mid-century celebrity owned home has all the essentials for the California lifestyle. A one story floor plan with optimal indoor/outdoor flow. Beautiful master suite with two additional bedrooms and bathrooms. Expansive grounds that include an inviting pool and a garden that lead to an observation area with a regulation sized Bocci court. Tastefully updated kitchen and baths, hardwood floors throughout and walls of glass.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Your Mama's appetite for this property was first whetted after reading about it on the very new but promising blog Real Sedated. Naturally we chased down the listing, and don't you know the listing information proudly proclaims the property is celebrity owned. Being the ever intrepid and nosy behatcha that we are, Your Mama wanted, nay needed, to know which celebrity calls this quasi mid-century modern house home.

So we got on the horn and left messages with our spider web of contacts all up and down Sunset Boulevard and we set our fingers a-flying on the internets looking for information. And voíla. Yesterday we received two contacts confirming that the property belongs to not one, but two sorta celebrities, dee-vorcing couple Ben Indra (Raising Dad) and funny up and coming actress Anna Faris (Brokeback Mountain, Friends, Spelling Bee, Lost in Translation) who might be known for her recurring role in the Scary Movie franchise.

Your Mama certainly does not want to appear like we're delightfully dancing the the grave of the Faris/Indra marriage, because we're not. Frankly, we don't care so much about their private bizness. However, we can't help but think this just might be an opportunity for an opportunistic house hunter with a couple million clams to get themselves a good deal on a nice little house tucked up into the Hollywood Hills.

Property records reveal that the once happy couple purchased the house in November of 2005 for $1,995,000. Yes puppies, this house is being offered for sale at the exact same price paid for it two years ago. Oh dear. Market conditions aside, that can only mean one thing puppies: These two former lovebirds must be desperate, or at least very eager, to dump their marital home fast. Like yesterday fast.

Located on a sleepy and somewhat isolated cul de sac back behind the Mt. Olympus neighborhood, the 3 bedroom and 2.5 bathroom house measures a decent but modest 2,563 square feet, just about the right size for Your Mama, the Dr. Cooter and our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly. Oh yes, and Sugar too, our naughty pussycat who is always in such a foul mood. Yes, we'd have to bring her too, much as we'd prefer to send her to Madagascar.

Your Mama is of the opinion that Miz Faris and Mister Indra would have greatly benefited from the assistance of a nice gay decorator to edit, suggest and pull it all together. But that does not mean that we aren't smitten with the blood red rug in the dining area (even though it looks too pushed into the corner), the wrap around floor to ceiling windows in the living room give us goosebumps, and we dig the two Nakashima-like chairs in the hallway that are nicely set off by the moody red color field painting.

Now then, let's discuss the powder room. We're going to take some serious flak from the opinionated children on this, but here we go. Mama Cooter has a sprawling and low slung ranch house in old school Orange County, which is nothing like that new-fangled crap in Coto de Caza. Anyhoo, Mama Cooter's big 6 bedroom house was done up by a professional decorator in 1978 and not a knickknack has been touched since, an honest to goodness time capsule. There is shag carpet in the bedrooms, a macrame planter hanging in the breakfast room, and a powder room with silvery wall paper that wraps every flat surface. It is pure, unapologetic grab the coke spoon fabulous.

Home Despot pedestal sink and shameful towel ring aside, the Faris/Indra powder room works for us on the same level. Your Mama rather adores this two toned earthy green palette paired with a gold veined and kitchy 1970s era mirror and those fantastically fucked up pair of wonky hung sconces are outrageous. Can't you just see Aunt Jennie in her peach polyester pantsuit doing a quick bump in here before she heads back out to the kicking party? Yes, it's needs a little massaging to be correct, but it's nearly there.

Out back we find a lovely kidney shaped pool surrounded by a flagstone terrace. We are concerned that a heavy rain would wash considerable dirt and foliage down the hillside and right into the pool, and we're sure those fire pit things are dangerous even for sober people, but otherwise we like the feeling of being tucked up into the hillside with plenty of seclusion and shade.

Although Your Mama would probably need to strap on the oxygen tank to climb up those crazy steep railroad tie steps, we swoon and melt over that scenic, pleasing and campy Euro-style Bocci court cut into the hillside. Who would not enjoy inviting their rich, famous and fit friends over for a rousing game of Bocci and Sazeracs served by a well built house boy named Vladimir and his assistant Hugo? Who?

We expect the way back in the hills location might be a hindrance here as it's not the easiest or most convenient place to get to. None the less, we're quite sure that Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter would not mind the windy drive in our late model BMWs and we're even more certain we could make the necessary tweaks to the interior spaces to transform it from ho-hum to fantastic.

Now then, Your Mama wishes the splitting couple all the best in their new and single lives. And babies, do Your Mama a favor in your next homes...hire yourself a nice gay decorator.

A Little Steven Spielberg Gossip

According to the real estate gossip gurls at Newsday, rumors and whispers abound that the Los Angeles based and exuberantly rich film director Steven Spielberg may be expanding his Georgica Pond holdings in glitzy and ritzy East Hampton. Anyone who has ever been to the Hamptons already knows that Mister Spielberg and his lovely wifey Kate Capshaw have long owned a sprawling Gwathmey Seigel designed compound on multiple parcels on Apaquogue Road,which just a short walk in flip flops to Georgica Beach.

The neighborhood, widely considered to be one of the better locations in the Hamptons if you can afford it, is positively littered with the rich and famous including writer Nora Ephron, real estate billionaire Steven Roth, and just around the corner is big bad Martha Stewart's meticulously maintained mansion on Lily Pond Lane.

Here's what's being reported and gossiped all up and down Main Street in East Hampton: A 3.3 acre property fronting Georgica Pond (pictured above) and just two doors down from Mister Spielberg's contemporary compound was for sale with a $19,950,000 asking price. The well located property recently went to contract, and everyone wonders if it's being purchased for Mister Spielberg through the very same California-based attorney whose name appears on the property records for his other Apaquogue Road properties. Not surprisingly, the attorney, Gerald Breslauer, declined to comment.

According to listing information, the property includes a classic 4,500 square foot shingled summer cottage with 6 bedrooms, 5.5 bathrooms, two living rooms, two fireplaces, two kitchens and a "commodious" porch, an excellent feature for sitting quietly sipping stiff gin and tonics with a big book or a pile of glossy tabs and listening to the waves crash in the not so far distance. An additional building includes a three car garage with an attached 2 bedroom and 1 bath guest quarters. Or more likely staff rooms because let's be honest, most of the really rich people out in the Hamptons don't summer without at least a couple of staff to cater to their every summer whim.

The children will note that these days $19,950,000 might buy a nice sized property fronting posh Georgica Pond, but it will not get you a swimming pool, a tennis court or air conditioning. And it may not even buy you heat because Your Mama is not even sure this house has a modern heating system. According to a Hamptons real estate agent interviewed by the real estate gossip gurls at Newsday, the property is probably being purchased as a tear down because, "It's all about land value."
Here's what perplexes Your Mama and has our little pea brain tied up in knots. What does a man like Steven Spielberg need with yet another screamingly expensive property on Apaquogue Road? Especially one that is not even contiguous with his current summer residence (pictured above). One might not be foolish to think his big ass compound with at least four residential structures, a swimming pool, acres of perfectly maintained lawn and a barn and riding ring would be enough to house and host his family and friends. Right? But if we've said it once, we've said it a thousand times, who is Your Mama to question the real estate machinations of the famous and ridiculously rich?

Photo: Richard Bryant/Arcaid

UPDATE: Tommy Hilfiger

The gurls at Newsday are reporting that Hippity Hop Tommy Hilfiger, a middle aged white man who made bazillions of dollars selling sorta upscale and banal sportswear to middle America, has done sold his Hamptons hideaway.

Those children who have been with Your Mama from the get-go might recall that we discussed the ocean front spread in East Hampton back when we first started our little blog in mid December of 2006. The 5 bedroom and 5.5 bathroom house–with interiors done at least partially by a tall good looking drink of water named Jason Lambeth–was being offered for sale at $24,500,000.

Your Mama discussed the property again in mid-August after Braden Keil at the NY Post blabbed that Miss Mariah Carey, known for those ear splitting whistle stops and ho-ish outfits (sorry gurl, but you know it's true), leased the house on Further Lane for the month of August through Labor Day for a reported price of $350,000. Behatcha has got more muh-nee to throw around than she knows what to do with.

Anyhoo, According to the Newsday blog, the unidentified buyer, who is definitely not Miss Carey, paid $2,000,000 more than the asking price of $24,500,000 to purchase the place fully furnished with its boatloads of Balinese and Balinese inspired furnishings done all up in a oranges, browns and cremes.

Your Mama expects Mister Hilfiger will soon find another ocean front residence to buy and refurbish with some sort of theme before the season begins next year. At least we hope so.

UPDATE: Picture Issues

Okay babies...Your Mama is no computer guru. Some mornings it all we can do to get the damn thing to turn on let along get all this Blogger software to function like we want it to. None the less, we have heard your cries and made a few changes. The comments should not pop up in a new window which should make all our lovely and regular comment folks very happy.

Secondly, we have somehow managed to use the Blogger based work around to get photos to open up in the browser window again. We are working on trying to figure out how to make them open in a second browser window, but alas, we having figured that one out yet. If any of you computer knowitalls want to clue Your Mama in, feel free to shoot us an email.

Now leave Your Mama alone so we can finish drinking down this tall gin and tonic before the Dr. Cooter gets home.

Neverland News

Lawhd have mercy on Michael Jackson and his beleaguered finances. The once talented and accomplished black man's life seems to have started the long slow trip down the proverbial terlit since he transformed his visage into that of a middle aged white woman with a peculiar and unseemly penchant for hanging out with 9 year old boys.

Fox News reported the other day that the one time King of Pop turned tabloid freak show is in some deep financial doo-doo. Not only did he not cough up a court ordered $3,800,000 settlement to his former manager Dieter Wiesner that was payable on the 15th of November, he's having trouble with the refinancing and debt structuring that crazy talking Raymone Bain keeps screeching on about. And the bail bondsman is chasing the poor pale thing down too.

But the White Lady's drama does not stop there. Oh no children, he's got real estate woes to boot. As a result of the lack of financial folks willing to step up and bail out the single father of three very fair skinned children, he remains in default on the $23,000,000 loan secured by Neverland Ranch, his former home, private playground, and the scene of much the alleged child molesting for which he's been accused and acquitted. Fox News gossip Roger Friedman blabs that he was told that Jackson doesn't much care about his once beloved ranch and will likely allow the place fall into foreclosure sometime in January. Oh dear.

There are, however, reports floating about that say there are indeed interested parties who would be willing to purchase Neverland Ranch. According to Wigan Today, a UK based clothing magnate is actually negotiating to purchase the 2,700 acre spread. And, are the kids ready for this nonsense, the articles claims the Brit faces stiff competition from none other than Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie who are rumored to think their multi-cultural brood might enjoy the zoo and carnival. What!?

Your Mama seriously doubts that Brangelina would want to buy Neverland Ranch, unless they're planning on relocating a few Cambodian villages or all the residents of the storm torn Ninth Ward of New Orleans to the Santa Ynez Valley. Which would be a spectacular act of charity and publicity. But does anyone really think these two want to live up in that Tudor mansion that's tainted with the scandals and Jesus juice of Michael Jackson? Come on!

The glittery gloved one, his three shockingly pale children, and presumably that high-larious Raymone Bain lady are reported to be in Las Vegas. However, before heading to the desert, the NY Post reported that the Jackson clan, who have not had a permanent home since sometime in 2005, squatted at supermarket mogul Ron Burkle's beautiful and behemoth Beverly Hills estate Green Acres. Prior to that, the Jackson family spent three months camped out with sympathetic family friends in Franklin Lakes, NJ, and previous to that he was living in a leased and modest house in suburban Maryland just outside of Washington, D.C.

Why the broken down singer doesn't just move back to Neverland Ranch or to the house he owns on Hayvenhurt Avenue in Encino is beyond our little mind to figure out. Yes, he'd have to deal with his parents who reportedly live in the Hayvenhurst house, but isn't that better and less embarrassing than asking Ron Burkle for lunch money or sleeping on a hideaway sofa in some finished basement in New Jersey?

It's all just so sad. Even if you don't like him, and Your Mama don't, it's still sad. He's got kids. What's going to become of those kids? Lawhd have mercy on their souls.

P.S. Your Mama would like to thanks our dear gurl Belinda Sue Beaverman, henceforth to be known at B.S. Beaverman, for all her research and links.

Photo: Pacific Coast News

There Will Be No Tranquility For Greg Norman

SELLER: Greg Norman
LOCATION: S. Beach Road, Hobe Sound, Jupiter Island, FL
PRICE: $65,000,0000
SIZE: 17,825 square feet, 9 bedrooms, 11 full and 3 half bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Welcome to "Tranquility," a peaceful eight-acre estate with more than 16,000 square feet of air-conditioned space on Jupiter Island in Hobe Sound, Florida. The main house overlooks the Intracoastal Waterway with 370 feet of waterfront, and a 140-foot dock that can accommodate a large yacht with a lift for a smaller vessel...Estate includes a total of nine bedrooms , 11 full baths and three half baths in six structures.

DESCRIPTION: Your Mama knows we're a little late to the party on this one having been reported in the Wall Street Journal, Golf.com and any number of blogs and websites. But we feel like chiming in. So if you don't want to read more about Mister Greg Norman, well too bad. But before we begin we'd like to thank Miss American Pie for sending us a bit of information on the property.

Golfing may be a dignified and genteel sport where a lucky few professionals make obscene amounts of money hitting tiny balls around meticulously manicured courses. But dee-vorce can be ugly, bitter and acrimonious, even for a screamingly successful and revered professional golfer like Australian Greg Norman who topped the PGA rankings in the 1980s and 90s and in the process amassed a serious fortune worth a reported $3-500,000,000.

After 25 years of marriage, Mister Norman filed for a dee-vorce from his wife Laura. Initially, the split seemed smooth and civil. Then all hell broke loose and the couple feuded, battled and publicly threw verbal darts and bitter barbs at each other. The mister argued that his wife was trying to bleed his bank accounts and the missus proclaimed that he cut off her credit cards and changed the locks on the couple's jaw dropping Jupiter Island estate, which in happier days they dubbed Tranquility. Meanwhile, Mister Norman was spotted frollicking on his long yacht Aussie Rules with tennis great Chris Evert, a situation that further inflamed the already blisteringly heated situation.

Apparently, amid all the turmoil at Tranquility, both Normans moved out of the big Hobe Sound plantation style house, because according to a report in the NY Post, the mister bought the soon to be ex-missus a $4,000,000 Palm Beach residence and spent another $400,000 on a down payment for a Hamptons hideaway. He packed his clubs and decamped to a $7,000,000 estate in luxe Le Lac, that is conveniently walking distance his new ladee lover Chris Evert's house on Horseshoe Lane. Not that they actually walk back and forth, but they could.

Now that the angry and sparring couple have reportedly inked a dee-vorce agreement, the humongous Hobe Sound estate that sprawls across 7.4 acres fronting both the ocean and the Intracoastal waterway has been put on the market. The ear piercing $65,000,000 asking price is a massive and unseemly amount of money now matter how your slice it, particularly when you consider that Urban Outfitters founder Richard Hayne paid just $17,000,000 for a nearby 6 acre property in 2004, and in late 2005 golfer Tiger Woods and his blond wifey paid a record setting $44,000,000 for their 12 acre ocean to Intracoastal Waterway Jupiter Island spread just a few doors down.

Although property records reveal the split couple purchased the property in May of 1991 for just $4,900,000, it was recently assessed at $21,000,000 with an impressively high $135,000 per year tax bill. So where does this $65,000,000 price tag come from pray tell? Come on! Sounds to Your Mama like someone doesn't really want to sell the old family homestead.

The once happily married Normans bought the estate from real estate investor and developer John Kessler who along with Limited Brands head honcho Les Wexner developed New Albany, Ohio, the upscale enclave outside Columbus Ohio where many Limited Brand execs live in big houses that surround the tremendous 1000 acre equestrian estate of enormously wealthy Mister Wexner, who had blue hair and a very handsome male assistant the last time Your Mama saw him...but that's another story for another day.

According to listing information, the Norman property is made up of several habitable structures making up 16,000 square feet of air conditioned space including a 4 bedroom main house dating from 1902 that sprawls across 9,254 square feet and includes a 2,500 bottle wine cellar, a cute little 2 bedroom and 2 bathroom guest house that fronts 172 feet of the roiling Atlantic, a coach house with three bedrooms and 2 bathrooms, and a carriage house with gym, steam room, bathroom, reception space, a boardroom and a couple of offices. Altogether this is garage space for 17 damn cars, because one family needs 17 gas guzzlers, right?

Sixty five million clams also buys a ridiculously Richie Rich a classic and achingly long wealthy man's driveway terminating in a huge circular motor court, a grill house adjacent to the tennis court and fifty foot swimming pool where the private chef whips up backyard barbecues with the rotisserie, icemaker, and microwave oven while the Lily Pulitzer clad guests watch reruns of the Augusta National on the television with surround sound stereo. A couple of golf greens and 370 feet of Intracoastal Waterway frontage with a 140 foot dock for parking the yacht completes the package.

Nothing like a modest little shack by the beach, right?

Photograph Issues

Yes puppies, something is amiss with the photos lately.

Instead of opening up the full size image in the browser window when you click on them, a pesky "download image" message pops up. It's irritating and frustrating, but it's a Blogger issue that they are working on resolving.

In the meantime we are trying to figure out a work around.

Sorry for the inconvenience.

Jerry Rice Cashes In in Atherton

SELLER: Jerry and Jackie Rice
LOCATION: Atherton Avenue, Atherton, CA
PRICE: $22,000,000
SIZE: 16,180 square feet, 7 bedrooms, 7 full and 3 half bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Very elegant California French Style on three levels with six bedroom suites, seven full and three half baths. First level library and additional upstairs office. Grand formal entry way, step down living room, family room with full bar, fabulous gourmet kitchen, first level home theatre, lower level game room with full bar, wine room, crafts room and full gym and underground, seven car garage with individual doors. The home features over 2 million dollars worth of electronics and security system with fully automated smart home features. Private and gated grounds on an approx 1.4 acres with swimming pool and spa, covered veranda with built-in heaters and speakers and stone outdoor fireplace, guest house with kitchenette and full bath surrounded by luscious lawns, fountains, pond and majestic trees for the utmost in privacy and security.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: As the children might imagine, Your Mama did not know who retired professional footballer Jerry Rice was until we did a quick search on the internets. Turns out he is a very accomplished man who won three big and gaudy Super Bowl rings (have you seen one of these monsters?) as a ball catcher with the San Francisco 49ers and in the process earned lots of awards, accolades, records and money.

Anyhoo, Mister Rice and his wifey Jackie have recently put their Atherton, CA estate on the market for a spine crunching $22,000,000. For the children who don't know Bay Area geography, let Your Mama school you a little. Atherton lies just south of San Francisco and it's known for its posh, dignified, and outrageously expensive estates. Some (although not Your Mama) might even call it the Beverly Hills of the Bay Area, and unless you're swimming in paper, don't even bother looking for a house in Atherton.

The Rice pad occupies a 1.4 acre flag lot that property records indicate they purchased in July of 1997 for $2,656,354. The sporty couple spent several years designing, planning and building the three level, 16,180 square foot house and only finished building their "California French" style dream house with 6 bedrooms suites 7 full and 3 half bathrooms five years ago.

According to listing information, there are scads of amenities that a ridiculous rich internet multi millionaire might appreciate...like an underground 7 car garage for the fleet of hybrids (this is the socially conscious Bay Area after all), over two million dollars in electronics and security, a first level home theatre, and a 5,000+ square foot basement level that includes a game room, full bar, wine room, a full gym and a crafts room (is this sorta like Miz Candy Spelling's gift wrapping room?).

Outside, on the private and gated property, we find a heated swimming pool and spa, a covered veranda with built in speakers and outdoor fireplace, "luscious lawns," fountains, a dog run/kennel, and a guest house with kitchenette and full bath. But no tennis court.

Personally, we don't like the faux chateau exterior of the house or the interior decor for which we're quite sure some queen charged Miz Jackie Rice an arm, a leg, and then some. Unless a house is sitting directly on the ocean where postage stamp lot sizes are standard, for $22,000,000, whether anyone uses it or not, Your Mama needs to see a tennis court and we don't see one here. Pity.

Let's do a little math here, kids. Property records show the Rice couple paid just over $2,6000,000 for the property. And for the sake of argument, let's just say they spent another ten or eleven million clams building the monster mansion, which wouldn't seem unbelievable, right? That means they could potentially haul a huge truckload of money to the bank if they sell this place anywhere near its asking price.

Not a bad way to make a few million bucks.

Are Angie Harmon and Jason Sehorn Fliping Out?

SELLERS: Angie Harmon and Jason Sehorn
LOCATION: San Ysidro Drive, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $1,895,000
SIZE: 1,970 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Nestled in a quiet pocket of ultimate tranquility & secret seclusion on more than 2.5 acres. Newly remodeled. Gated, private drive & motor court. LR w/ pitched beam ceiling & fp, beautiful country eat-in kitchen, 2 guest bdrms w/ marble bath & stunning master ste w/ hi ceiling, fp, custom built-in cabinetry & luxurious marble bath. Breathtaking hillside landscape surround the property with quiet pathways inspiring thought of poetry and love...with an occasional family of deer to dazzle the sense.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Sorry puppies, Your Mama does not feel very snappy this morning as we're loaded up on cold medicine and coping with the tail end of a lingering cold that our cute but loud little nieces gave us while they were visiting for the Thanksgiving holiday. So bear with us while we do the best we can to formulate complete sentences and don't give Your Mama no lip because we are in no mood to get a bunch of chastising emails from you bitter hooligans. You know who you are.

Anyhoo, let's move forward and discuss the real estate doings of a couple of tinsel town Republicans this morning. Smoky voiced Law and Order graduate Angie Harmon, who now appears on some program called Women's Murder Club, and her squeaky clean professional footballer huzband Jason Sehorn, who looks like a damn gay porn star to Your Mama, have recently listed a house in the Beverly Hills Post Office for $1,895,000. Property records do not reveal to Your Mama's prying eyes what the couple paid for the private 2.5 acre property back in March of 2004, but they do indicate that the recently renovated and modestly sized house measures just 1,970 square feet with 3 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms.

Given that the Mediterraneans style house appears to be staged to within an inch of sanity (which leaves it feeling rather soul-less), Your Mama presumes that Miz Harmon and Mister Seahorn don't actually eat, sleep or even visit this property other than to make sure that Svetlana and Hesperia the cleaning gurls dust, vacuum and scrub their fingers to the nubbins making sure the place is shiny and perfectly clean for potential buyers. Well, maybe Angie and Jason bring their journals and sit out in the back and write love poetry sometimes too.

So, the children might ask, where do the George Bush supporters who spoke at the 2004 Republican National Convention live? Property records (and a well informed source) reveal to Your Mama that the couple and their two small children actually live a 4 bedroom, 6 bathroom, 6,377 square foot house on Round Meadow Road in the guard gated suburban celebrity enclave of Hidden Hills. Now, here's the juicy bizness kids...the family values voting couple's traditional style house sits right next door to the house that lefty lesbian married mommies Melissa Etheridge and Tammy Lynn Michaels recently purchased. Oh boy.

Picture the weekend scene on Round Meadow Round if you will: On one side of the fence a bunch of well to do short haired men in pressed khaki pants and polo shirts drink Corona beer with a lime shoved down the neck (just like in their frat house days), while perfectly made up long haired ladees gossip in the kitchen. Meanwhile, next door, short haired womyn in Birkenstocks and prairie skirts make quinoa and roasted red pepper salad for the children while Melissa plays the acoustic guitar and sings 1960s counter culture songs of revolution. We know to which back yard barbeque we'd want to be invited. Do you?

P.S. The conservative and traditional interior appointments of Harmon/Sehorn property are certainly not Your Mama's cup of tea, but we none the less think the renovation was a success (the staging less so), the kitchen and baths, while not to our taste, are well done, and we totally appreciate the gorgeous and secluded location which provokes us to ponder poetry and love. A delicious swimming pool cut into the hillside might even inspire Your Mama to write a haiku or two.