Prince Bandar Changes His Rich and Fickle Mind

As of the end of November, there is one less $100,000,000+ trophy property on the market looking for a homeless billionaire.

According to a recent post on The Real Estate Bloggers, Royal Prince Bandar of Saudi Arabia has decided not to sell Hala Ranch, his 90+ acre Aspen hideaway that has long been for sale with a face smacking $135,000,000 asking price.

Although Mister Bandar has more money than the damn Pope, it costs a lot of oil money to maintain and staff a 56,000 square foot house with 15 bedrooms, 16 bathrooms, a hotel lobby sized living room, a beauty parlor and a barbershop, water treatment plant, car wash, mechanical shop, indoor and outdoor swimming pools, tennis court, racquetball court, heated horse barn and a huge pond stocked with fish. Dayum.

The ranch was initially put on the market because the Prince rarely visited the estate. Now that no one else wants it, maybe he'll jump on his private plane and visit a bit more often to help justify the outrageous expense of owning a place like this. Your Mama doubts it though.

According to Joshua Saslove, THE mega broker of high end properties in the Aspen area, there was "enormous interest" in the property that looks more like a corporate retreat than a private home, but "none of the interested parties wrote a contract that was acceptable to the seller."

Bummer.

Now puppies, just how many times have we told you that rich people can be enormously capricious and one can never predict what choices that breed of fat cat will make on a moments notice when it comes to buying and selling the real estate? A thousand times if we've told you once.

Here's a not very educated or informed by anyone in the know prediction kids: Hala Ranch will remain quietly on the market and come back on the open market several months into next year at a substantially reduced asking price.

Britney's Former NYC Pad Is Flipping Out

SELLERS: Jessica Klein and Isaac Levenbrown
LOCATION: East Fourth Street, New York City, NY
PRICE: $6,995,000
SIZE: 4,400 square feet (approx.), 3 bedrooms, 4.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: SPECTACULAR CELEBRITY PENTHOUSE. Entertain in style in the dramatic, newly renovated 4-level luxury townhouse in the sky. Chef's kitchen with SubZero and Viking appliances, hand-rubbed cherry cabinets and granite countertops. Full-floor living/dining room with wood burning fireplace, soaring ceilings, oversized windows and Empire State views. Super-private master bedroom suite features enormous custom-built closets, wood-burning fireplace, and two full baths with slat counter and European fixtures.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Little Miss I Lost Custody of My Children Because I Like To Party Too Much Britney Spears may be all broken down with bad skin running around with a tawdry cadre of beady eyed cohorts, but thanks to a lovely missive from a gentleman we call The Rolling Stone, Your Mama has learned that her old New York City crash pad in the Silk Building on the corner of East Fourth Street and Broadway is fixed up, spit shined, looking fresh and back on the market for a whopping $6,995,000.

The four floor, three bedroom and 4.5 bathroom townhouse style penthouse languished on the market for more than two years before Beverly Hills 90210 producer and writer Jessica Klein and her huzband Isaac Levenbrown, who designs and installs multimedia systems, swooped in and paid the dee-vorcée pop star exactly $4,000,000 for the 4,400 square foot condominium in August of 2006.

Little Miss Bad Weave Britney was hardly the only celebrity to occupy this condo, and arguably she's not even the most famous behatcha to shack up in these digs above the once legendary and now defunct Tower Records on lower Broadway. Once upon a time, hip hop honcho Russell Simmons owned the place, as did dried apple faced Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards, and–drum roll please–according to the sassy and always accurate folks at Curbed, pop music diva Cher also called the penthouse home too.

Interestingly, this is not the only celebrity crib that Miz Klein and Mister Levenbrown have purchased. Oh no. Property records show that back in 2000, the newly married couple paid $1,150,000 to purchase a 5,367 square foot house in the Los Feliz section of Los Angeles from follically challenged actor and serial house hopper Nic Cage. According to reports at the time, the 4 bedroom and 4.5 bathroom medieval style and castle-like residence came complete with scads of gargoyles, a mural in the dining room depicting scenes from ancient Egypt, and a cast iron snake for a stair master. Property records show the couple still own this house.

It appears to Your Mama that the Los Angeles based couple decided not to be bi-coastal after all or perhaps they never intended to occupy Britney's former den of iniquity. After purchasing the unit, they embarked on a renovation that Your Mama can only hope included a full scale fumigation not to mention a thorough scraping of all the cigarette smoke sodden paint.

Listing information states the newly renovated condo includes a chef's kitchen, a full floor living and dining room space with a wood burring fireplace, a super-private master bedroom suite with custom built in closets and a wood burning fireplace. Additional features include a Crestron lighting system, central air conditioning, washer and dryer, custom chandeliers, plus a private planted terrace.

However, as nice as that terrace surely is, this place has entirely too many damn stairs not to have a private elevator. Jeezis Mary and Joseph, just thinking about the extreme effort it would take to climb from the 10th floor to the 13th floor so that our long bodied bitches could bask in the lower Manhattan sunshine has Your Mama wheezing and clutching at our heart. Dear gawd, it's just insane to think that anyone besides some kind of exercise nut can climb all those stairs day in and day out without stroking out or popping a damn vessel in their brain. Honestly!

Before we sign off to cozy up with our big bottle of Bombay, let's discuss the dramatic price increase since the Klein/Levenbrowns bought the place just over a year ago. We get it, you renovated the place, and the Manhattan market is still frenzied despite an lackluster economy and a well publicized mortgage melt down. But who among savvy buyers in Manhattan really think that a little bit of paint, a few yards of granite and some floor stain justifies a 75% price increase? Sorry babies, but not Your Mama, not in our humble and meaningless opinion.

Anyhoo, perhaps if Little Miss I Just Bought $200,000 Worth of Brand New Mercedes Benz's hadn't sold this place, she could have easily fled her sad and difficult life in Los Angeles for a new start in New York City where Your Mama is certain that the Dr. Cooter would be more than happy to smack her back into having a functioning bone of sense in her body.

Now listen up. Don't any of you rabid Britney Spears supporters get on the damn subway and head downtown, because Little Miss I Might Be (Or Might Not Be) Pregnant does not live here anymore. For the ignorami among us, Your Mama repeats, she does not live here anymore. So just stay in your dark little apartments dressed in your Catholic schoolgirl uniforms and lip synching the words to Hit Me Baby One More Time.

P.S. Little Miss I Prefer a Hotel Even Though I Have Two Houses appears to have taken her Beverly Hills house off the market. Again. (Follow the links for photos puppies.) Our sources tell us that she lives primarily in the Malee-boo house she leased at a rumored rate of $35,000 per month, but according to someone who has been in the house in the guard gated Summit community, the place is a pig sty and it looks like she uses it as a crash pad and dressing room with clothes strewn all over the place.

Several reports have been coming out about how she has a double locked room up in her Bev Hills crib with a mirrored ceiling, a rack full of costumes for sex play and dozens of, uhm, items used for sexual pleasure. But so far Your Mama can't confirm whether this is true or if this is just people wanting to sell glossy gossip magazines. Honestly, if you ask Your Mama, and of course no one did, we think there's a 50/50 chance of it being true. Little Miss No Underpants is widely considered a bit of sex maniac. So who knows. And really, kids, would that be so bad really? So what if she liked the sex a lot? There are far worse things she could (and reportedly does) put in her body than a dildo. Oh dear, did we say that?

At Home With Leonard Pincus

It seems that just about every wickedly wealthy financier and stinking rich socialite wants to get in on the publicity circus that follows buying, selling, or simply listing a private residence at an unfathomably high price.

We've got Donald Trump and his freaky follicles down in Palm Beach hoping to get $125,000,000 for his flip property that looks like drug lords hideout Your Mama. There's mega rich dee-vorcee Suzanne Saperstein in Los Angeles trying to dump her palatial pile of faux Versailles for $125,000,000 and her 123-acre Simi Valley horse farm for $75,000,000. And let's not forget Leonard Blavatnik, a Russian born magnate of a man who makes spectacular sport of buying high priced digs all over the world including coughing up a rumored (and denied) $150,000,000 for 30,000 square feet of penthouse opulence atop the soon to be refurbished The Mark on the Upper East Side.

And last week, the usually quite discreet white haired financier Lionel Pincus, who ferries Princess Firyal of Jordan around to all the best dinner parties and charity functions of the bejeweled and big bank account set, has tossed his hoity toity hat into the ring by dumping his sprawling duplex at the posh Pierre on the market with a blistering $50,000,000 price tag.

Which is a billionaire's bargain when you consider that filthy rich financier Martin Zweig has spent more than three years trying to unload his tremendous triplex penthouse co-op at The Pierre for an unfathomable $70,000,000.

The Corcoran listing agent for Mister Pincus' duplex has yet to release interior photos, but if the floor plan is any indication of the extreme and obscene lavishness of the interior appointments, Your Mama would bet our left arm they will cause half of the Upper East Side to gasp collectively thereby sucking most of the oxygen out of the air all up and down Fifth Avenue.

Let's have a look-see at what $50,000,000 buys someone with enough liquid assets to feed, clothe, and educate half of Africa. Get ready kids, because the numbers are staggering.

The recently renovated co-op occupies the entire 30th floor, half the 31st floor and measures 6,678 square feet which calculates to a jaw dropping $7,498 per square foot. The listing for the property indicates 14 rooms, the masterful Max Abelson at the New York Observer reports there are twelve rooms, and Your Mama counts fifteen. There are 10 foot ceilings, more than 80 feet of park frontage by our calculations, 4-6 bedrooms depending on how you count or who you talk to, 5 full and three half bathrooms, 39 windows, 31 closets plus 4 walk in closets, 2 wood paneled dressing rooms, two kitchens (and one large pantry), two laundry areas, two paneled libraries, 2 sitting rooms, one exercise room, 1 staff office (natch), 5 star hotel amenities, $27,443 per month in maintenance fees, and according to the listing, the notoriously demanding board at The Pierre requires a minimum of 46% as a down payment...that's $23,000,000 for the math impaired.

Maybe Lakshmi Mittal, a steel tycoon for whom fifty million clams is pocket change, needs a little New York City pied a terre?

Livin' Large in Encino With Eddie Cibrian

SELLER: Eddie Cibrian
LOCATION: White Oak Avenue, Encino, CA
PRICE: $4,395,000
SIZE: 6 bedrooms, 8 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Newly renovated walled & gated celebrity owned Ranch Estate. Grand 2 story entry w/ wrought iron staircase. Ideal for entertaining, rooms are grand scale & open to spectacular luch tropical grounds w/ pool & spa. 2 master suites, FR / coffred ceilings, library, + home theater. Banquet sized FD & kitch w/ center isle, granite, Viking & SubZero SS appl. Spacious master w/ frplc, & ba with 2 walk-in closets, 2 showers (1 steam), spa tub. Travertine & hardwood floors + high ceilings. 6 car garage.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Oh dear. Somebody please get Your Mama a silver spike that we can drive through the heart of the decorating demon who is responsible for this Encino mess that luscious looking actor Eddie Cibrian and his model wifey Brandi (with an "i," of course) call home. Dear Jeezis in heaven, Your Mama just prefers not to know that there are people in the world who actually want to live in houses with porte-cocheres meant to make the house look elegant and grandiose but really just make it look like a damn Ramada Inn.

According to property records, Mister Cuban American sexiness purchased this enormous 8,560 square foot house of horrors in May of 2002 for $2,020,000. According to listing information, the rambling and recently renovated six bedroom house includes eight bathrooms, a home theater, library, family room, two master suites (1 up and 1 down), and a banquet sized dining room. The vast second floor master suite features two walk in closets, a fireplace, and for some asinine reason, two showers. Shoved in the corner of the second rate porn set worthy bedroom we see one of those exercise bike abominations. 8,560 square feet of faux elegance and the Cibrians shove that sweat maker into the bedroom? Oh, hunnies, no. Yer a good looking and hard bodied couple who need lots of exercise to look hawt, but surely there's a better location for that contraption.

Since we first located this property a week or so ago, the status of the listing has been changed to "Looking for a Backup" which would indicate that the bee stung lipped slab of beef and his sexy mommy wife have found a buyer for their hive inducing residence.

Holy moly children, we don't mean to be haters. Y'all know we like to say something nice about all the properties we discuss, but sometimes that is just not possible and Your Mama is just too shaken and upset to continue damaging our eyes looking at this house. Well, okay, the backyard lagoon style lap pool with the tropical landscaping is pretty, but that arching bridge is simply not safe for the handicapped or booze imbibers.

Anyhoo, before we cozy up to our big bottle of Bombay in an effort to calm our frazzled nerves, let Your Mama offer Mister and Missus Cibrian and all the children some sage yet simple decorating advice. It is never, ever a good idea to drive the Hummer or whatever other big ass SUV you have out to the local mall and march in to Pottery Barn and shout, "I'll take it all!" Because unfortunately it ends up looking like this. There's nothing overtly offensive here, but there's also nothing interesting or compelling about the interior spaces either, which quite frankly is a decorating crime of the highest magnitude.

Now puppies, we must leave you and ring Louella Hopper, our dear old friend who has recently and thankfully returned from self imposed exile and who always provides Your Mama with moral support, guidance and the most sa-lay-shush and dee-praved gossip about the doings in the Platinum Triangle.

UPDATE: 50 Cent

Surely by now all the children know that 50 Cent, the smack talking rapper who was once shot full of holes and lived to tell about it, has been trying to sell his freakishly huge 50,000 square foot mega mansion in Connecticut that he bought from girly voiced boxer Mike Tyson's ex-wifey Monica for $4,100,000.

The super successful musician is asking a whopping $18,500,000 for his poorly decorated pile that features such amenities and a private disco, a movie thee-ay-ter, four kitchens, a racquetball court (which we can't imagine Mister 50 uses much), heli-pad, tennis courts, a private logoo with spitting fountains, an indoor shooting range, indoor and outdoor swimming pools, 19 bedrooms and nearly 40 damn terlits. Yes children nearly 40 terlits. If yer house needs this many terlits, there is entirely too much crapping going on by the guests who have come over to bbq and shoot pistols.

Just in case you can't stay up until 10:30 tonight when the show airs on MTV Cribs, and lahwd knows Your Mama cain't, here's a little teaser where the surprisingly soft spoken and subdued Mister Fifty shows us his tacky $80,000 dining room chandelier, his impressive hat and shoe closet which will make any shoe queen drool with envy, and his bumble bee yellow million dollar Ferrari. For a million bucks Your Mama would rather own a crazy ass Tara Donovan sculpture, but who are we to question the reasons some men need to own powerful and grotesquely expensive sports cars? Back off car enthusiasts, we know yer going to tell us a Ferrari is a work of art. Fine. You say toemaytoe, we say toemahtoe. We'd still rather have an undulating sculpture made of Styrofoam cups.

Now that I've shamelessly plugged MTV Cribs, Your Mama hopes they'll get smart and buy some damn advertising.

Jeff Lewis Strikes Again

SELLER: Jeff Lewis
LOCATION: N. Commonwealth Avenue, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $1,795,000
SIZE: 1,938 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Incredible design, perfectly private. Down a long private drive sits this stunning modern, recently renovated with a Palm Springs influence. Loft-life space with courtyard entry, high ceilings, exposed ducting, and gorgeous walnut flooring throughout. Streamlined high-end kitchen and baths, and new pool-spa. Three bedrooms, 2.5 baths, including master suite with outdoor access. Outdoor space includes a large deck, patios, and two flat yard areas.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Put down your doobies and put on your thinking caps children because Your Mama wants you to remember all the way back to late July and early August when every real estate freako and house loving homosexual was glued to boob tube while we peered into the wacky world of quirky and balloon lipped house flipper Jeff Lewis and his coterie of actor assistants, pet psychics, the gay daddy ex-boyfriend and a sassy and lovable Nicaraguan housekeeper named Zoila.

Towards the end of the series that aired on The Bravo, Mister Lewis negotiated to purchase a ugly broken down mess of a property on N. Commonwealth Avenue in the Los Feliz area of Los Angeles. Property records reveal that the professional speculator paid just $800,000 for the 1,938 square foot pile of crap. Ever since, Your Mama has been on pins and needles waiting to see what sort of speculation magic the complicated perfectionist would work.

This time around, according to the listing, Mister Lewis chose a "Palm Springs influence." But children, Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter have spent many a wonderful weekend at The Parker Hotel in Palm Springs, and we don't see it. This place looks nothing like all the low slung Alexanders that litter the desert landscape out there or the fabulous Freys or the wonderful Wexlers, and this certainly has little if anything in connection with a Neutra.

Yes, it does have a courtyard (behind the garage) with a contempo stone fountain (not pictured), and there's a liberal use of frosted glass and lots of high ceilings, which is all vaguely Palm Springs (and Miami and the Hollywood Hills frankly), but Your Mama thinks Mister Lewis, all due respect, is pushing the laws interior decorating decency to throw a few pieces of reproduction mid-century modern staging furniture in a house, paint the exterior door frames a bright (and lovely) shade of orange and call it Palms Springs.

None the less and despite the faux "Palm Springs influence," over all Your Mama is impressed with what Mister Lewis, his big lips and his exceedingly well groomed ex-boyfriend/business partner Ryan have done with this former rat shack that includes 3 bedroom and 2.5 bathrooms. The potty mouthed children can say whatever mean and snarky things they want about Mister Lewis' off-kilter personality and constant state of financial freaking out, and we're certain you will. But be honest. The man flips properties better than 90% of the other professional flippers out there who max their credit cards out buying truckloads of appalling and cheaply made crap at The Home Despot.

The expensive walnut floors were an expected but still delicious choice and a welcomed veer from all that engineered wood crap most house flippers put down. Your Mama always welcomes a shiny suite of high priced kitchen appliances and we are particularly fond of the baby Viking and that gorgeous glass fronted SubZero has us quivering with delight. We know this kitchen isn't blazing any new trails of haute culinary design and it's not going to inspire anyone to be the next Top Chef, but it's a perfectly appropriate and functional kitchen that won't look out of date in six months or even six years. And in a flip property, like it or not kids, that's a prime objective.

They can not be seen in the photo above, but the vaulted ceiling living room has sizable sliders that open to both the entrance courtyard and the swimming pool deck at the side of the house. These sliders allow for turning the room into a big covered porch like area. Nice. However, the prison grey paint isn't working for us, and we're disappointed not to find a fireplace to anchor the room and give it a focus. Of course, seldom is it cool enough for Angelenos to actually need a fireplace to heat the tootsies, but for this price, Your Mama wants the option to dabble in that flaming luxury.

Upstairs we find the sleeping quarters and two of the bathrooms. We do so love a master bedroom that opens to the back yard the way this one does because it's perfect for letting our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly out in the middle of the night when they're unable to hold their bowels. But Your Mama has some serious issues with the bathroom. We can get behind the essentially masculine taupe and blue color scheme, but we do not care for trough sinks, they look like urinals in sleazy gay bars to us. We know that rain style shower heads are all the rage in bathroom renovations, but have y'all ever used one? They're nice for just standing there letting the water fall on you, but try bathing under one of those nightmares. Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter installed one in our outdoor shower at our newly shingled and modest beach house, and don't you know we ripped that thing out before the summer was over. We can not tolerate those things unless they are paired with a more traditional wall mounted shower head. And lastly, we would have really liked to have seen a tiled bench in this big shower, because Your Mama often needs to sit down and catch our breath after a vigorous body scrubbing.

Mister Lewis and his team have managed to squeeze in an attractive and petite plunge pool and spa into the side yard, and they've terrace a good portion of the back yard creating a fair amount of usable space on the difficult hillside parcel. Yes children, it does all look magnificently manicured with the unnaturally green grass and the dark decking, but Your Mama is concerned that the landscaper will put his back out or suffer a hernia hauling the big Toro mower up and down the stairs to the sod covered terraces. And don't even get us started on the drama, hysterics and shirtless manpower required to mow up that steep hillside.

Although Your Mama would never buy this house–too many stairs in the back yard and we're convinced we'd take out the landscaping and scrape the sides of our big BMW trying to back down that narrow driveway–we sincerely hope that Mister Lewis and his carefully coiffed ex boyfriend/business partner Ryan have better luck unloading this property than they have with their flip on Ben Lomond Place. Poor dears have reduced the asking price of that house from $1,525,000 to $1,349,000 and still no one wants to buy it.

But before y'all weep yer crocodile tears for these pretty boys, lets keep in mind that according to property records the flipping duo recently sold the house on Nottingham Avenue (the big unfinished house on the program that Ryan moved in to) for a whopping $4,350,000. The Nottingham house was purchased in June 2006 for $2,260,000 and it appears they took another $1,050,000 in loans, which means by Your Mama's fuzzy math the sale of the property dumped about a million clams into their well pressed khakis. So it seems they can keep all their employees employed for at least a while longer.

Good News!

We've been settin' on a secret children, and before Your Mama explodes into a thousand candy filled pieces, we just have to fill y'all in.

Not too long ago Your Mama was approached by an accomplished and good looking producer who likes what we do here on our little blog. So, after much haggling and screaming Your Mama has thrown caution to the wind and we are now in development for a television show for the 2008 season.

A damn tee-vee show!

Since Your Mama loves all the children so much, even the bitchy potty mouthed ones, we'd love some feedback about what you enjoy about our little blog and what you might like to see translated on to the boob-toob. Also, if any of you clever beavers would like to suggest a title for the show, Your Mama will compile a list and post them for all the children to see who is the most brilliant of our beloved babies.

Email your thoughts, suggestions, ideas, hopes and dreams to TalkToYourMama@gmail.com

UPDATE: Olsen Twins

You Mama done got it wrong once again. It happens children.

This morning the always accurate Max Abelson, the handsome young man who writes the Manhattan Transfers column at the NY Observer, reports that the Morton Square penthouse that the rail thin Olsen twins bought back in December of 2004 in anticipation of attending New York University is indeed still owed by the mogulettes and has popped back up on the market with a spine tingling asking price of $11,995,000.

Not a bad return considering the twin tycoons paid $7,300,000 for the 5,725 square foot condo that features 12 rooms, 5 bedrooms (including a big bedroom suite with a walk in closest and dressing room for each of them), 4.5 bathrooms, 53 windows, a 53 foot long living and dining room space separated by a glass enclosed fireplace, and every celebrities dream, a service elevator to whisk occupants directly into the subterranean garage without having to cope with the paps camped out in front of the building.

UPDATE: Cher

Even the rich and famous sometimes suffer the fate of over reaching house flippers. Back in January, Your Mama discussed the Palm Springs residence that the seemingly ageless glamour icon Cher had on the market for $2,495,000.

Thanks to research by Belinda Beaverman, Your Mama has learned that the price has been substantially reduced to $1,999,000. Oh my.

Before we all start to feel sorry for Cher's spangled, beaded and bedazzled Bob Mackie pocketbook, let's recall that according to property records Miz Cher purchased the posh Las Palmas neighborhood property back in 2004 for just $650,000. Then she spent hundreds of thousands more renovating the place, but Your Mama imagines that's she'll still pocket several hundred thousand on her flip out even if she's forced to sell the 4,000 square foot beige behemoth for considerably less than it's current asking price...which it would appear she's going to have to do.

Cher, hunny, Your Mama loves you almost as much as we love Dolly Parton, but gurl, you gotta get a grip on your stagers because they've done messed up that place in Palm Springs with all that beige paint.

If the Dark Lady really wants to unload this place Your Mama recommends that she haul her nipped, tucked and taut booty out to Palm Springs and remove that damn pear painting in the dining room and those ridiculous photographs of her baby smooth face in the den. Lawhd hunnies, who can see past those hideous "decorations?" Clearly no one in the market for a well located $2,000,000 house in Palm Springs.

Your Mama Catches Up

Your Mama has had half a dozen friends and relatives visiting the past 10 days and we've moved en masse from one residence to the next like it ain't nothing to pack up six people, two long bodied bitches named Linda and Beverly, a mean ol' pussycat named Sugar and stuff them all into a couple of late model BMWs. So we are tired children. And we are in no mood to listen to the children whine and complain that we haven't been posting enough. Screw you little ingrates. It was a damn holiday and Your Mama is entitled to a day off every now and again whether any of you naughty little children think so or not.

Anyhoo, all the familial commotion has left Your Mama backed up, both gastro-intestinally and with our little blog. So in the interest of saving time and our last nerve, we're going to quickly discuss a few things before we begin our regular routine tomorrow. So sit back children, because this is going to be fast and furious.

1.
Like the rest of y'all, we have seen the stories and photos about high heel tottering tycoon Ashley Olsen buying a cluttered Spanish style house in Hancock Park. We'd love to be able to confirm or deny the veracity of those stories, but we can not. As of today, none of our many sources have been able to provide us with any information. The last we knew, the itty bitty Olsen twin was living in a rental property up in Nichols Canyon. Now puppies, we know she's done packed up her designer duds and high heels and decamped from that house, but we've not been able to locate her since. Sorry babies. Your Mama ain't no soothsayer or miracle worker when it comes to these things and despite appearances, we aren't always able to pull a celebrity rabbit out of a real estate hat. So then, if any of you with the inside scoop would like to fill in the gaps for Your Mama and all the hungry children, please don't hesitate to email with some juice.

What we do know, thanks to tipster Richie Rich, is that the massive penthouse condominium at Morton Square in the far West Village of Manhattan that the twins bought but never occupied during their short lived stint at getting educated at NYU is back on the market for $11,995,000. But there's really not much to see because the mogulettes never moved into the sprawling condo and leased it for a whopping $35,000 per month even before they decided the charade of going to college was just too much effort for a couple of young and filthy rich fashionistas with a very, very bizzy schedule of glammy parties to attend.

2.
Your Mama is a big fan of Mister Big Time's little game "Which Celebrity's House Is This," and naturally we're an even bigger fan when we can answer his call about what famous person has bought and/or sold the mystery property. And this week, Your Mama is on a roll. Although to be fair, we have actually managed to figure out the mystery buyers and sellers with the invaluable aid of the always funny and always informative Lucy Spillerguts.

The not very attractive house with jetliner views at 8918 Appian Way in the Hollywood Hills was sold by hot to trot Nine Inch Nails front man Trent Reznor, the super sexy rock star that makes our beloved Lucy pee her pants a little with glee and delight.

We also know who purchased the teeny tiny West Hollywood house on Harland Avenue, but we're awaiting contact from Lucy before we let that cat out of the bag. Suffice for now to say, it's a much bigger celebrity than any of the children would imagine. Much bigger.

3.
Regarding the legal smack down of celebrity real estate agents Joe Babajian and Kyle Grasso in the rarefied Platinum Triangle of Los Angeles, we have no news to report. After the 85 page indictment was handed down, Mister Babajian put his house on the market and we assume the gentlemen have hired top flight attorneys to represent them. We await a settlement or trial like everyone else. We make no predictions on how this will all come down, but Your Mama read every word of the indictment and to our untrained and unlawyer-like mind, it looks bad for these two and the various other folks named in the indictment.

4.
For weeks and weeks Your Mama has been getting email after email about the supposed house that glamazon Kimora Lee Simmons appeared to have purchased on her "reality" show Life in the Fast Lane. Some of the email has been quite friendly, but some of it has been rather hoss-tile too, yes it has. Some of these snot nosed children were snapping and sniping at Your Mama that Miz Simmons did not buy the house that we discussed on our little blog like they know what they are talking about because they saw it on a damn reality show on the tee-vee. Jeezis H. Christ. Some-bahdee bring Your Mama a nerve pill and a gin and tonic to wash it down. Rather than go into it here, Your Mama recommends that any of the interested children check out RADAR's brief exposé on the matter which should clear up what's real and what's not real with Miz Simmons' real estate.

5.
We would like to thank all the children for sending the many tips about celebrity houses being bought and sold over the last few weeks. We do our best to get you as many stories as we can, but Your Mama has only two hands and ten fingers to type with and wear down to nubbins, so please don't be insulted if we don't get to your lovely information in a timely manner.

6.
Enough with the anti-Semitic remarks. Seriously. We do not want to get involved with policing the damn comments section children, but do not think Your Mama won't whip out the wooden spoon and beat your ass until it's black, blue and bleeding before we delete your asinine and uneducated comments. We're certain there are many other blogs that would appreciate that particular brand of inflammatory commentary, but we here at the Real Estalker do not, thank you very much

On that note, get outta here and don't bother Your Mama while we wash our hair with beer and order in a nice big Indian dinner for the Dr. Cooter to say thanks for putting up with the crazy ways of Your Mama's family these past 10 days.

Bye now.

For The Love of Land

Bring on the Middle Eastern potentates, the Russian oligarchs and the American software billionaires because a couple of outrageously high priced Los Angeles land parcels have hit the market that only mega rich magnates or deep pocketed developers can afford.

The first property Your Mama would like to discuss is a collection of lots in swanky Old Bel Air that we have previously discussed when it was rumored that creepy Tom Crooz's peeple were sniffing around the property. Dubbed "The Park at Stone Canyon," the massive 10+ acre plot represents the significant and exceedingly expensive efforts of Elizabeth Hurley's multi-millionaire baby daddy Steve Bing. It took more than nine years for Mister Bing to buy up nine separate lots piece by piece and tear down eight of the old-school mansions, some of which has been previously owned by local luminaries like sexy 1950s siren Kim Novak and the crooner that looks like a lady, Barry Manilow.
Sometime in 2005, Mister Bing the Hollywood producer (Beowolf, The Polar Express), a lucky man who inherited a reported $400-600,000,000 from his grandfather, decided he didn't desire such a monstrous estate after all and sold the 12.4 acre parcel to a group of investors called ECP Acquisitions. Jeezis, Mary and Joseph, how many times has Your Mama told the children that rich people can be so fickle with the real estate? Nine years and umpteen millions only to decide, well, maybe not. We're breathless.

After purchasing the property for an amount money that Your Mama never been able to suss, figure or ferret out, these ECP Acquisitions people had elaborate plans drawn up for an opulent mega-estate that includes a mammoth main house, a separate office and gym, guest house, staff house, a greenhouse and a retreat house, whatever that is, a putting green, an orchard, waterfalls, ponds and a lagoon, not to mention the de riguer tennis court and infinity pool. They also drew up plans for splitting the property into six estates of roughly two acres each. Then they did what anyone with piles of cash to invest in real estate in Los Angeles was doing in 2005, they attempted to flip the property at an ear piercing price and profit. News reports declared that the landscaped and terraced parcel(s), which sit directly across from the hoity-toity Hotel Bel Air, could fetch an unnerving $75,000,000 or more.

But alas...No Texan oil tycoon, hedge fund honcho or Indian Industrialist was willing to cough up the copious cash required to acquire the property. The property disappeared off Your Mama's radar for some time and then poof, out of nowhere, it popped back up on the MLS with a reduced but still eye popping asking price of $59,950,000. Yes puppies, that's just for the bare land. The new owner will need considerable additional assets to design, build and pay for whatever ridiculously humongous residence(s) and accoutrement they would like to put on this piece of property.

Interestingly, the listing describes the property as 10.52 acres (originally the property was marketed with 12.4 acres) which would indicated that one of the ECG people is keeping one of the 2 acre-ish lots for his or herself. Hmm.

Now pour yerself a big stiff one kids, and someone please pass Your Mama the smelling salts because we are not done discussing platinum triangle land parcels with puke inducing price tags.

Not so long ago a property appeared on the MLS that intrigued Your Mama. Located high in the hills of the Beverly Hills Post Office, a 4 parcel estate site totalling nearly 6.25 acres with a Tower Lane address crashed down on the market with a stunning $39,500,000 price tag. Cough. Cough. For the bare land. Can you hear Your Mama's teeth chattering with shock and awe?
Even more intriguing and nerve rattling are the apparent plans the current owner had for the place: 50,000 square feet of Richard Landry designed interior space including a 30,000 square foot main house, a tennis house, gate house, spa house and a waterfall/guest house. All this lavishness was to be accessed by a 1,500 foot long private drive with garage parking for 25 cars, which pretty much makes the place a car dealership with resort amenities.

And who is the current owner you might be wanting to know? Well, after much digging, two of Your Mama's best sources have both independently fingered Jon Peters, the super rich super producer known for his lavish lifestyle, for getting his start in showbiz by dressing Barbra Streisand's hair, and for letting his ex-wife of two months, a ladee named Christine, live rent free in his big house in Bel Air for nearly 20 years, a situation that has resulted in a bitter battle.

According to property records, Mister Peters, who reportedly also owns a home in Bel Air, another in Malibu and an ocean front pile in Santa Barbara, purchased the lots way back in 1996 when there was an 8,000+ square foot house sitting on the property. The house has since been razed and according to listing information, years have been spent on the planning, engineering and design of the property. Ten years into the project and many millions of dollars later with not much to show besides a bunch of damn retaining walls and some drawings and plans, Mister Peters appears to have changed his mind like so many rich and famous do when it comes to ridiculous real estate ventures.

Only time will tell if there are buyers willing to plunk down such huge amounts of coin for vacant property. Lawhd children, imagine all the hungry mouths that could be fed and all the college educations for the poor and hard working that could be funded with this kind of money. It takes a lot to make Your Mama's head spin with visions of money being flushed down the terlit, and children, our head is twisting and spinning just as fast as it can go over these vacant plots of land with obscenely sky high prices.

My Name Is Jason Lee

All through the holiday, Your Mama has quietly and patiently awaited information from our spider web of informants and connections about the English Tudor style house on Dundee Drive in the Los Feliz Hills section of Los Angeles that Mister Big Time discussed on one of his recent installments of "Which Celebrity's House Is This?"
Your Mama's sources tell us that the house (pictured above) was purchased by mustachioed My Name Is Earl actor Jason Lee. As Mister Big Time noted, the property was purchased through a trust overseen by Kevin Burke, a manager whose name appears on the property records for scads of big name Scientologists, including those of indie singer/songwriter Beck and sexy actress Catherine Bell. A quick search through the internets turns up loads of information that connects Mister Lee to the Church of Scientology as well.

Interestingly, our sources also tell us that Mister Lee and his sexy mustache will soon be moving again. Although we have yet to locate property records that show a sale, Lucy Spillerguts, one of Your Mama's finest and most prolific sources tells us that Mister Lee is the buyer for the lovely Los Feliz residence of Robert Cray that was recently on the market for $3,250,000. Located on Hill Oak Road, the nearly 1 acre property includes a modest 2,205 square foot house with 3 bedrooms and 2.5 bathrooms, a separate office/guest house and an office/studio, plenty of room for all the visiting Thetans

We can't fathom why Mister Lee would buy a house in March of 2007 and then turn around and buy a much more expensive house just six months later. But then again, who are we to make sense of the real estate machinations of the rich and famous?

Discourse

As Your Mama eases back into the world of celebrity real estate after our quasi-holiday, we would like to note that we are shocked and dismayed by the personal attacks and free floating hating in the comments sections.

As most of the children know, Your Mama does not typically involve ourself in the commentary section of the blog. That space belongs to the children and Your Mama just loves to hear the children bicker and banter about the properties we discuss, the market conditions and various other issues and ideas.

Obviously y'all are free to comment and speak as you see fit, but children, we respectfully ask that you not turn the comments section into a juvenile jab fest taking pot shots at each other and even worse making anti-Semitic and homophobic remarks.

So, to all of our regular and beloved commentating readers (even the doom and gloom ones), Your Mama asks that you simply ignore the haters and move on. Engaging them in "discussion" is only an invitation for them to spew more insanity, and please know that the outrageous and hateful comments are not a reflection of Your Mama's personal point of view.

And P.S., for the anti-Semite out there who so eagerly made disparaging comments about a real estate agent, if you insist on putting ethnic slurs in the comments section of our little blog, please at least do us all the favor of spelling the slurs correctly. Because hunny, you sound ignorant making statements like that, and we just can't imagine you want to look stoopid too.

The Malibu Fire Rages On

While Your Mama and most of the children have spent the Thanksgiving holiday swaddled in the cozy bosom of family and friends, the residents of Malibu are once again coping with the horror and nightmare of a devastating conflagration ripping through the canyons taking down every tree, shrub and home in its violent path.

Our heart truly aches for the people of Malibu and we wait anxiously for the amazing firefighters to bring the blaze under control.

Now listen here children, Your Mama does not want to hear any of this nonsense in the comments section about not feeling sorry for the rich people in Malibu or any of that other crap that some of you moe-rons wrote during the last fire. First of all, not everyone in Malibu is rich. Secondly, and more importantly, all people bleed when hurt and losing a home to an out of control wildfire is a cataclysmic and shocking experience regardless of the size of ones bank account. If you haven't any sympathies for people losing their homes, well then, just keep your sad little mouths shut and wait for our next snarky discussion.
As Your Mama understands from news accounts, most of the many homes lost have been in the Latigo Canyon, Corral Canyon, Malibu Bowl and Malibu Hills areas. Included in the too long list of dozens of damaged or destroyed homes are those of a couple of famous rock stars. The long time Latigo Canyon home of Guns and Roses lead singer Axl Rose has been damaged (pictured above), and although his spokesperson says differently, the City of Malibu website lists Michael Balzary's Sycamore Meadows Drive mansion as been destroyed. Mister Balzary, better known as Flea from the Red Hot Chili Peppers, bought another house in Malibu earlier this year and has been trying to sell the Sycamore Meadows house for quite some time.

Hang on Malee-booans. Your Mama and the children send our deepest sympathies to all residents of Malibu regardless of their economic clout during this ravaging fire season.

Source: CNN (photo)

UPDATE: Slash

Finally some good real estate news for top hatted and litigious rock star Slash and his wifey Perla. It appears they may have finally sold off their Wattles Drive white elephant in the Hollywood Hills.

The children will recall that Mister and Missus Slash filed a million dollar plus lawsuit against the real estate agent who represented them during the purchase of this house back in December of 2005 because, they allege, they were misinformed about the size of the house, the amount of parking on the property, whether the property is or is not located on a private street, and various other sundry and silly issues.

Shortly after purchasing the property for $6,250,000, the Slashers decided they didn't want the 5 bedroom and 6.5 bathroom mini manse after all. So they dropped it back on the market for $6,995,000. Despite several price reductions, the house languished on the market and the asking price was eventually brought down to $5,995,999, a number significantly less than the sue happy homeowners paid for the property.

Well, glory hallelujah because MLS information for the property is marked "Looking for a Backup" which indicates the house has finally gone into escrow. Of course a thousand and one things can still go wrong to cause the deal to go down one of the seven terlits in the house. For example, the potential buyers might be bothered by the parking situation at the house and decide to back out.

UPDATE: Ellen Degeneres

Foreclosures may be up and the mortgage mess might be wreaking havoc on middle-class homeowners, but the rich and famous still have plenty of money to buy, sell and flip high end houses. The Wall Street Journal's Private Properties column reported this week that perpetual and peripatetic house hopper Ellen Degeneres and her ladee lover Portia Di Rossi have a deal on their meticulously manicured 4-acre Montecito estate. The children will recall that the gurls bought the property just 14 months ago for a reported $15,750,000, made a few improvements and whipped around and put the George Washington Smith designed Mediterranean style estate back on the market for a staggering $24,000,000. No word on what amount the new owners will be paying for the property, but we can all safely assume that it will be enough to put millions into Ellen's beige Birkin bag.

The paper also reports what Your Mama revealed back in late October that Miz Degeneres and Di Rossi have purchased Will and Grace co-creator Max Mutchnick's recently over-hauled 8,800 (approx.) square foot Bev Hills house. Your Mama has also heard that Mister Mutchnick spent many millions doing over the long and low house that once belonged to professional behatcha Joan Collins. We understand that a new swimming pool was installed with a series of rooms underneath. Yes children, underneath the swimming pool.

This is not the first house the Miz Degeneres has purchased from Mister Mutchnick. According to property records and one of Your Mama's finest sources, Miz Degeneres purchased a house on Woodstock Road from Mister Mutchnick back in April of 2003. The house has since been sold to freakishly successful funny man Will Ferrell.

Although the sale price has not been disclosed, revealed or reported, Your Mama hears from inside sources that the gurls paid $26-30,000,000 for Cabrillo Drive property. We have no way of confirming the purchase price children, so realize that number is just gossip and hearsay at this point, and not hand-on-the-bible truth. According to the WSJ, the purchase price, whatever it was, included much of the furnishings and artwork.

Although property records do not indicate a sale, Your Mama also hears from more than one Beverly Hills blabbermouth that the real estate rich lesbians also bought the house across the street from their new digs, which is owned by celebrity real estate agent Jade Mills.

We have to wonder how long these two will stay living in this house up on Cabrillo Drive. For their own stability, we hope a very long time. For our sake, we hope that pack it up in less than a year because we just love discussing there constant moving.

From Our House to Yours

To all the tipsters, informants, real estate agents and researchers, and to all the many children out there who tune in every day to read and comment on our meaningless ramblings about celebrity real estate, Your Mama would like to wish a very Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours.

To all the rich and famous who never stop packing and unpacking, buying, selling, decorating and redecorating, Your Mama would like to thank you too. We couldn't do what we do without your insatiable and puzzling desire for bigger and better homes.

Your Mama is deeply grateful for all the websites, blogs, newspapers and magazines who tirelessly link over to our little folly and we owe them enormous and sincere thanks for all the publicity and linkage.

Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter will be sitting down with Your Mama's Mama, Sister Woman and her family, our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly, Sugar the pussy cat, and a few arty farty females from New York City who are trekking out to our beach house to drink down a big bottle of Bombay Sapphire, gobble up the organic 17 pound turkey currently roasting in the Viking, chow down on chipotle infused sweet potatoes (thanks to Grandma Bunny and Flower for the recipe), plunder the pancetta and brussels sprouts, and slather it all with mountain of canned cranberry sauce.

Be sure and tell all the ones you love how thankful you are that they're a part to your life, and please know how very thankful Your Mama is for all the children.

The Abbreviated House of Carnie Wilson

SELLER: Carnie Wilson and Rob Bonfiglio
LOCATION: Shirley Avenue, Tarzana, CA
PRICE: $2,249,000 (reduced from $2,325,000)
SIZE: 4,491 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Celebrity owned breathtaking oasis S/ of Bl. Quiet pceful nghbrhd. Walled/gtd w/ cir dr. Lg frnt yd. Trd 1 sty rnch. 5 bd-5ba-4fp, crn mldngs-rcsd lgts. Plnt shutrs, hdw/travr flrs, surrnd sound. Fr. Drs, alrm sys. Lg cooks kit w ss appls, grnt, mpl cbnets, skylghts, wlk n pntry. Eat n kit, frml dr, lr w/ vltd bm clgs & nu cstm wndo bnch. Dn w/ 15 vltd clgs, extsv chry wd bltns. Look 2 mssv pklike yd w/ pl. Nu 1300 sf redwd deck, detchd bonus rm, mbdrm ste w/ fr drs, fp & lg wk n clst. Spa tub & h/h snks.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Carnie Wilson, the daughter of Beach Boy Brian Wilson used to have a career singing saccharine pop songs with her sister and childhood pal in Wilson Philips. Then she had a feel good talk show for about as long as it takes to heat up a pop tart. Then she got skinny with some sort of surgical procedure. Now she writes self help and cook books based on her experience as a fat and depressed woman. She's married to session and touring musician Rob Bonfiglio who also plays the guitar in a little known band called The Skies of America.

All due respect to these two hardworking E-list celebrities, but we find them immensely uninteresting and Your Mama can barely muster the energy required to discuss their traditional and shockingly uninteresting Tarzana home. Property records reveal that the couple bought the 4,491 square foot South of Ventura Boulevard house back in January of 2004 for $1,510,000, and despite having put in a "nu cstm wndo bnch" and "Nu 1300 sf redwd deck," they have recently put their 5 bedroom and 5 bathroom single story suburban sprawler on the market for $2,249,000.

Your Mama freely acknowledges that the Wilson/Bonfiglio home does have a few nice features such as the vaulted beamed wood ceilings in the living and family rooms, the skylight in the kitchen, and the large deck at the back of the house. However, we would like to suggest that in the future Miz Wilson not rely on her own paltry interior design skills to decorate and furnish her future home(s). Fake greenery atop the kitchen cabinets? Hunny, no. That big brown leather sectional sofa? Well that just makes Your Mama's heart ache. No, it's not all bad inside. Really, it's not. But Miz Formerly Fat could use the hand and eyes of an expert to assist her in purchasing properly proportioned rugs, how to mix and match patterns effectively, and how to successfully resist placing family photos and depressing decorative plates on top of tall armoires. Because dear, hunny, nobody but professional basketball players can see up there.

Most people East of Pasadena had prolly never heard of Tarzana until the stereotypically suburban San Fernando Valley town was launched into the stratosphere of world-wide gossip when the terrifically troubled mommy Britney Spears shaved her damn dingbat head at some random hair salon in Tarzana. Other celebrity and quasi-celebrity residents of Tarzana include Brit's ex Kevin Federline, lady killer Wilmer Valderama, Jaime Pressly and porn star Crystal Ray who has performed in such cinematic wonders as Camel Toe Jockeys and Anal Bandits 4.

One last thing. Your Mama really tries to keep off the back of real estate agents, there are more than enough people who just love to vilify and slander them. But we are mortified with the excessive abbreviation used in the description of this property. Certainly only the most hard core real estate freakos will be able to make sense of that hieroglyphic like chicken scratch, and in this increasingly difficult real estate market Your Mama recommends less abbreviation and more complete sentences. Just a thought.

Vicki Gunvalson Decides to Stay in the Big House

SELLER: Vicki and Donn Gunvalson
LOCATION: Altimira, Coto De Caza, CA
PRICE: $1,780,000
SIZE: 4,000 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 6 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Truly unique one of a kind custom estate on a one-third acre lot with a spectacular view of Saddleback Mountain and the golf course! Walk to the clubhouse thru your own gate. Every detail is handcrafted with old world charm, yet modern convenience. 2 masters–one down! Media room. Secluded end of culdesac location. In the process of being upgraded, new paint, carpet, stone floors, slate bathrooms.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: By far one of Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter's favorite television train wrecks is the gloriously disturbing reality show The Housewives of Orange County. Certainly the children have all tuned in to The Bravo to see this stunner of a program on which a handful of rich, tan, highlighted and Botoxed women in suburban Orange County, CA, open the doors of their banal suburban mini mansions and let us all peer inside their embarrassing lives behind the gates of Coto de Caza. Children forgive Your Mama for saying this, but these boojie bitches mustn't have an ounce of shame because they seem to relish letting the world know their children are obnoxious, entitled and inarticulate mush brains, except for Kara and Briana who seem to recognize that getting a proper education and speaking correct English is a worthwhile endeavor. And don't even get Your Mama started on that sorry lot of emotionally checked out huzbands. Jeezis H. Christ they're enough to make a ladee go lesbian.

Anyhoo, on the Season 3 opener last week we learned that hardworking, successful and obsessive control freak (and our favorite Housewife) Vicki Gunvalson and her huzband Donn had purchased another banal mini mansion in Coto de Caza, the upscale guard gated community where it appears one must present a pair of fake double Ds to even meet with former Playboy Playmate and real estate agent Housewife Jeana Keough.

Although empty nesting Vicki and Donn had already purchased the house and hired a burly looking queen named Frankie to poorly decorate the place in a faux "Tuscan" style, she was having some remorse about downsizing from a 5,000 square foot house into an only slightly less ostentatious 4,000 square foot house. Over dinner with Donn one evening, she fretted about how living in a smaller house and installing a new $250,000+ backyard swimming pool extravaganza might compromise her feelings of success and empire building despite the notion that they would be able to pay for the new house with the equity of the old house, thus being wonderfully free from a large mortgage payment each month. But alas...

Thanks to an OC tipster we'll call Penny Lane, Your Mama has learned that Vicki and Donn have put the new and smaller house back on the market just 6 months after purchasing the 5 bedroom and 6 bathroom property for $1,650,000. Naturally it's listed with Jeana and the Gunvalsons are asking $1,780,000, a $130,00 gain that should just about cover the real estate fees and the truckload of furniture from the Broyhill Furniture showroom.

Although listing for the house indicates the house measures 4,000 square feet, property records actually show that house at 3,055 square feet. The bougainvillea covered house is well located for privacy at the end of a cul de sac and overlooks the Coto de Caza Golf and Racquet Club. The house currently does not have a swimming pool, but there is a shabby looking sport court that Vicki and Donn planned on ripping out and replacing with one of those uniquely American backyard swimming pool complexes with a grotto, slide, bbq center and whatever other new-fangled swimming pool accoutrement that the designer mentioned.

Your Mama is so overwhelmed by the interior photos of the Gunvalson's all beige faux "Tuscan" freak out that we don't really know where to begin discussing this disaster? We have never been to Tuscany, but if it really looks like this (and we sincerely doubt it does), Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter would both sooner run bamboo shoots under out fingernails than go there. Ever.

Just the study alone has Your Mama wishing we had some spare needles to render our eyes sightless. What in the world is that place? The suit of armor? Oh. My. Gawd. You have got to be kidding, right? The vase of pussy willows? Come on Frankie, you can do better than that, can't you? Does this look like a room that anyone would actually use? For what?

Your Mama simply can not go on without compromising our health. So we're going to leave the discussion to the children while we take a big fat nerve pill and curl up in a fetal position in the corner trying to erase the image of that frightening fabric swagged over the kitchen window that has been seared onto our brain..

UPDATE: Reverend Tim Storey

SELLER: Rev. Tim and Roxanne Storey
LOCATION: Loma Vista Drive, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $4,535,0o00
SIZE: 4,955 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 6 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Major price reduction! Spectacular celebrity owned gated B.H. estate. Private. Exclusive. Showcase prop. built in 2003 & just completed w/ major renovations, including all new designer interior finishes. No expense spared. Spacious 4+6 w/ elevator & fab views. Huge chef's kitchen. Romantic master w/ walls of glass. Infinity pool/cabana/BB center & multiple patios w/ gorgeous resort style grounds & waterfall. Grt. for entertaining. For the most discriminating clients seeking the ultimate in luxury and privacy.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Praise Jeezis! The Rev. Tim Storey, a man who devotes his life to ministering to rich, famous, and spiritually needy folks like Dog the Bounty Hunter, has finally sold his luxurious and large house in the Hollywood Hills.

After sitting on the market for such a long time, the Big Man in the Sky has finally seen it in his wisdom to provide Mister Storey a buyer who property records reveal paid $4,535,000, more than $1,000,000 than Rev. Storey paid for the house in 2003. Hallelujah!

Your Mama wonders how much of his real estate windfall the Reverend will be tithing this Sunday.

LiLo Goes House Hunting...Sort Of.

Speaking of young Hollywood trainwrecks with dwindling cash reserves, gossip gangsta Perez Hilton reported the other day that rehab graduate Lindsay Lohan is out shopping for a new house...or more likely an affordable apartment.

One of Your Mama's impossibly well connected real estate sources tells us that poor Lindsay Lohan is, well, poor and that the young ladee who likes to spend money like she's a blinged up playa making piles of coin (remember that $1,000,000 bill she racked up at the Chateau Marmont?) is actually looking at apartments under $1,000,000, because that's all she can afford.

Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Maybe she should check out Tara Reid's condo at the Hollywood Versailles, which is on the market for $885,00.

Tara Reid, Live at the Hollywood Versailles

SELLER: Tara Reid
LOCATION: The Hollywood Versailles, Hollywood Boulevard, Hollywood, CA
PRICE: $885,000
SIZE: 1 bedroom, 2 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Relax in one of the most secured and sought after buildings in Hollywood. This end unit has hills, city and ocean views that bring to mind serenity & romance as you gaze from your completely redone 10th story balcony featuring Chinese earth slate. Elegant unit has granite counter tops, custom maple cabinets, wall to wall mirrors and beautiful hdwd flrs. Both bath rms. have granite & luxury appeal & completes this one of a kind unit in one of the trendiest full service spots in Hollywood.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Thanks to our always helpful tipster Mugsy Fairweather, Your Mama has learned that the residents of the Hollywood Versailles Tower, near the intersection of La Brea and Hollywood Boulevard, can quietly rejoice and breathe a collective sigh of relief now that one of the building's most notorious residents has put her 10th floor unit on the market. That's right children, former Hollywood hottie turned bloated party princess and public boozer Miss Tara Reid has listed her 1,087 square foot 1 bedroom apartment in Hollywood for $885,000.

Poor Miss Tara Reid, the chesty blond acturuss once had a promising career in La La Land having appeared in such cinematic tour de forces as Josie and the Pussycats and American Pie 2. More recently she's become a favorite of snarky blogs and glossy tabs due to her questionable fashion choices, frequent public drunkeness, and botched plastic surgeries.

It's unfortunately been all downhill for Miss Tara Reid since the early 2000s when she and comedian Carson Daly called it quits. Since then, the man killer has been linked to such notoriously good boyfriends as the tremendously endowed Tommy Lee, jail bait porn pusher Joe Francis, casino king George Maloof, and Bridget Moynahan's love e'm and leave 'em baby daddy Tom Brady.

Anyhoo, Miss Tara Reid, purchased her 10th floor aerie back in 2000 for just $266,500. Although the apartment has only 1 bedroom, property records and listing information reveal that there are two bathrooms up in this crib. Which is a good thing because if Tara backs one of them up with a bowl full of upchuck, she's got a back up receptacle for when the devil's punch just won't stay down.

The listing for the condo, which is being marketed by her real estate agent brother, currently only provides one photo of the interior. And as the children might imagine, Your Mama is not impressed with Miss Tara Reid interior design skills. All various printed and patterned fabrics thrown together in one room is enough to make a person's head spin and stomach churn even without a few Grey Goose screwdrivers and several Jagermeister shots.

Tara hunny, does this mean you're leaving Los Angeles? Where are you going dear? Please tell Your Mama that you're not headed for tempting and salacious Las Vegas. We know you love to party there, but child, think about it...Las Vegas could be your total ruination. Seriously gurl. Or are you simply trying to parlay your investment into larger digs? Or could it be that you're out of money entirely and need to dump your mortgage? Call us, fill Your Mama in because believe it or not, the world wants to know.

The Hollywood Versailles is no stranger to budding Hollywood types and Ugly Betty actor Michael Urie recently ponied up $749,000 for a 1,222 square foot unit just down the hall from tawdry Tara's visually vexing condominium. And good for him. Looks like he made a wise investment in a declining market because we expect that Mister Urie's new digs have increased in value just by Miss Tara Reid even thinking about packing up her baby doll dresses and shot glass collection.

Source: LA Condo Lifestyles (photos)

Melissa Etheridge Unloads in the Hidden Hills

SELLER: Melissa Etheridge and Tammy Lynn Michaels
LOCATION: Saddle Creek Road, Hidden Hills, CA
PRICE: $4,995,000
SIZE: 6,837 square feet, 6 bedrooms, 6.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Country estate up a long private drive to a secluded hilltop location. Total privacy and fabulous views highlight this celebrity home. Featuring a private tennis court, set among towering pines and generous pool yard with surrounding views. Apx. 6,837 sq. ft., 6 bedroom, 6.5 bah, with cozy granite center island kitchen, hardwood floors, high beam ceilings, downstairs master suite with stunning new bath, featuring travertine marbles, steam shower, freestanding tub, dry sauna, dual water closets, fireplace, and more.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Although Your Mama has a mess of messy relatives visiting, including a couple of keeidz who whose hands we gotta continually swat away from the computer, we endeavor to bring the children a little celebrity real estate gossip amidst the chaos that our usually quite quiet apartment has become.

Today we head back out to Hidden Hills to discuss the house on Saddle Creek Road that is being sold by two of the more famous lezbeeuns in the world of Hollywood, rockstar royal Melissa Etheridge and her ladee lover acturuss Tammy Lynn Michaels, who is probably most well known for playing a bitchy high school girl on the short lived and screamingly camp Popular, and before she became huge with babies in her belly, Miz Michaels did a short stint on the L Word too, natch.

Back in May, the Sapphic duo quietly paid $5,100,000 for a new single story Hidden Hills house on Round Meadow Road which property information shows measures 6,505 square feet with 5 bedrooms and 7 bathrooms. Which sounds comfortably commodious until you remember that these two are practically drowning in young children. Tammy Lynn (who doesn't love a gurl with two names?) recently birthed twin babies who will likely require a nanny or two, and Miz Etheridge shares custody of two other children from her previous lezbiahnic relationship with hasbian Julie Cypher who has since scandalously married a man. So that's a lot of people to be living up in one house.

Anyhoo, a recent report in Ruth Ryon's Hot Properties column in the Los Angeles Times revealed that the May-December, well okay, May-September maybe, couple moved from one Hidden Hills house to the other because they wanted more space for the kiddies. But strangely, the old house on Saddle Creek Road was slightly larger at 6,837 square feet with 6 bedrooms and 6.5 bathrooms. If you ask Your Mama, which of course no one did, the Saddle Creek Road property offered a better and more private location. Plus is has a tennis court which the new property in "the flats" section of Hidden Hills does not, despite its 1.4 acre lot.

Ever since Miz Ryon's little report, all the world's real estate gossips have waited on pins and needles for the ladees to put their Saddle Creek Road house on the market, and lo and behold, here it is. Sitting high on a looking over the rich denizens of this guard gated horse friendly community, the ivy covered house has an asking price of $4,995,000.

The family room is far too country for our personal taste, and we don't care one bit for that intricately detailed parquet flooring, but the cathedral-esque front entrance hall is stunning with it's high peaked ceiling and dee-voon raised wood paneled walls. The voluminous living room offers a warm fireplace and long views out over the hidden hills. Despite the troublesome floor, Your Mama imagines that a good gay decorator could really work this place into something smart and comfortable.

The kitchen, again not our personal sense of style, appears none the less to be well appointed and we are thrilled that Miz Etheridge's kitchen designer managed to find a proper spot for the microwave oven. Your Mama is just so tired of seeing all these multi-million dollar houses with $150,000 kitchens with a microwave oven right on the damn counter. Seriously, that is not okay. We also note the dreaded pot rack. Pot racks are another of those kitchen implements that we encourage all sensible people refuse when their fancy kitchen designer recommends one. Children, these things do not look cozy and charming, they look messy. AND they are lethal when swinging around during earthquakes.

The creamy colored glam bathroom is way too glam for Your Mama. But it probably worked well when these womyn had a team of hair gays and make up mavens over to the house to get them dolled up for a run down the red carpet.

The landscaper has unfortunately allowed the lawn in the backyard to get yellow and patchy, and for that he (or she) should be punished severely. But over all, Your Mama digs this backyard. It appears to be private, serene and not overly processed with fussy flowers or one of those obscene swimming pool fantasmagorias with a grotto and a water slide. And we love the old-fashioned charm of the swing, tire swing and knotted rope hanging from the gorgeous trees.

Property records show that Miz Ethridge paid $3,595,000 in September of 2004 for the Saddle Creek Road house which sits on a 3.42 acre parcel not far from the guard gated entrance to the exclusive suburban community which is home to heaps of celebs including but not limited to Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne, Brad Garrett, Shaun Cassidy, Beau Bridges, Lisa Marie Presley, and let's not forget the troubled and tawdry dee-vorcee Denise Richards.

Your Mama wishes the lesbian ladees of Hidden Hills much happiness in their new home with their growing brood of loud children. Now Your Mama has to go deal with the loud children visiting us who are currently wreaking havoc on our kitchen and have our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly all bent out of shape.

Carole King Is a Natural Woman in Idaho

SELLER: Carole King
LOCATION: Stanley, Idaho
PRICE: $19,000,000
SIZE: 128 acres
DESCRIPTION: ...This ranch features absolute solitude, spectacular mountain views and extensive live water running through and adjacent to it. Significant geothermal resources provide water for two natural "hot pools" and heated building including the main lodge. The ranch compound consists of a beautifully restored 7,337 sq. ft. log lodge, owner's residence on the creek, caretakers home, professional recording studio, several guest cabins and equestrian facilities. Accessible by road year-round, this ranch is only 1.25 hours north of Sun Valley, Idaho, and lies within the most spectacular mountain country in the West.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Thanks the efforts of Belinda Beaverman, who kindly sent us a link to a brief blurb in Architectural Digest, Your Mama has learned that Grammy winning singer/songwriter and Earth Momma activist extraordinaire Carole King has put her scenic and spectacular 128-acre Idaho spread on the market for a not very folksy price tag of $19,000,000.

The last time Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter saw the gorgeously frizzy haired Miz King was at the US Open where she sang and pounded the pie-ana while Anna Wintour bobbed her perfectly bobbed bob to the music and The Donald and Melania squinted down from their private box stuffed full of khaki-panted sycophants. But that's a different story for a different day.

Anyhoo, according to an interview with PBS in early 2007, Miz King has lived in the beautiful boondocks of the Idaho outback for 30 years and she works tirelessly to protect and preserve the rugged and open spaces of the wild, wild west from all the moe-rons on dirt bikes and ATVs who think nothing of shredding the pristine wilderness in the interest of good motorized fun.

Miz King may call the Idaho wilderness home, but her big ranch outside of Stanley, Idaho, is nothing less than a dee-luxe and amenity laden oasis of civilized living plunked down into the harsh heart of the craggy mountains of the Salmon-Challis National Forest, which the property listing proclaims lies within the boundaries of the 756,000 acre Sawtooth National Recreation Area.

The uber-rural compound is dotted with several impeccably maintained buildings including a sprawling 7,337 square foot log lodge with 5 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms, a separate recording studio with a guest apartment, as well as Miz King's personal 2 bedroom residence that overlooks Warm Springs Creek. Additionally there is a caretaker's house and eight charming and historic log cabins, including one that sits up on the scrubby hillside and offers magnificent views of the surrounding lands and a sort of solitude and isolation that would scare the bejeezis right out of many city dwellers, Your Mama included.

The interiors of the buildings appear to be all done up in a kind of log cabin chic, which isn't exactly the sort of decor Your Mama wants to call home, but we do think Miz King and her team of nice gay decorators have managed to successfully merge the rustic and the luxurious in an appropriate manner that is casual, comfortable and suitable for a ridiculously rich country bumpkin to feel cosseted and secure.

As far as Your Mama is concerned the choicest feature of this property are without doubt the two natural "hot pools" where Miz King and her guests can skinny dip in the winter time. Good times, children, good times.

Miz King's extremely expensive Western wonderland is certainly not suitable for the average Idahoan who could never afford the blistering $19,000,000 price tag. Your Mama imagines this property might appeal to a deep pocketed city sophisticate who has a deep desire to get in touch with his or her inner Grizzly Adams but wants to bring a butler and a personal chef along to smooth out the rough edges of the wilderness adventure. Or perhaps another very successful musician who thrives in isolation when making beautiful music will drop a huge wad to be able to carry on Miz King's hinterland legacy.

Slash Sues

Gossip juggernaut TMZ is reporting that Guns and Roses guitarist Slash (real name Saul Hudson) and his wife Perla are suing real estate agent Greg Holcomb–and the Sothebys International Realty brokerage to which he is affiliated–who represented the couple in the purchase of a house high in the Hollywood Hills back in December of 2005.

Then, in the Spring of 2006 Slash quietly filed for dee-vorce.

According to one of our sources, the couple purchased the house back in December of 2005 for $6,250,000,. By the Spring of 2007, the house, which looms over de-lovely Drew Barrymore's little compound, was back on the market for $6,995,000. The sprawling 5 bedroom and 6.5 bathroom house has languished on the market and is currently listed with an asking price of $5,995,999, or for lease (with option to buy) at $50,000 per month. Yes puppies, you read that correctly, it is now listed for less than they paid.

The lawsuit alleges that the agent (and the MLS listing itself) misrepresented the size of the house, told them the house was on a private and gated street (it is in fact a gated street, but it does not appear to be a private street), and that there were issues with the title on the property about which the agent should have alerted the Hudsons. According to the suit, the Hudsons were also unhappy with the lack of parking because they like to have a lot of people over to entertain and need space for them to park their vehicles.

We can't speak on the more technical aspects of the allegations, but it would seem to Your Mama's pea brain that Mister and Missus Hudson should have been well aware of how much or how little parking there was at the property. Certainly they visited the property and checked out the parking situation before signing on the dotted line for a $6,250,000 property, didn't they?

Because, the Hudson's $1,000,000+ suit declares, Mister Holcomb did not properly represent the property or disclose alleged issues that might negatively impact the desirability of the property, the couple have suffered "grief, shame, humiliation, embarrassment, anger, worry, disappointment, nervousness, stomach disorders, backaches, loss of appetite and inability to concentrate on work." Oh dear.

Goran Visnjic Goes to the Birds

BUYER: Goran Visnjic
LOCATION: Bluebird Avenue, West Hollywood, CA
PRICE: $3,921,000
SIZE: 3,793 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 4.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION:One of a kind 2-sty Mediterranean/Moroccan fusion. Eclectic renovation features gated crtyd entry, dark stained hardwood flrs, lr w/ fp, dining area, amazing great rm/kitchen, library/den, an outdoor kit/dining rm, built-in sofa room & sept. gst/pool cabana. All rooms open to pool, garden & crt-yd. Upstairs offers a romantic master w/ walk in closet, priv deck & lavish hand tiled bathroom. Two more bedrooms w/ built-in dressing area & custom tiled bathrooms.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: The other day Mister Big Time discussed the sale of good looking E.R. actor Goran Visnjic's Sherman Oaks house to some professional hockey player we've never heard of and don't care to know about. Mister Visnjic (pronounced VISH-nyich, say it with Your Mama, VISH-nyich) had listed his lovely Spanish style residence for $1,700,000, and it appears that the comely Croatian actor sold the 2,634 square foot house for $1,780,000. No children, that is not a mistake, Mister V. sold his damn house for more than the asking price. Can your believe that? More!

Anyhoo, at the time Mister BTL put up his "exclusive" report, he was not able to suss out where Mister Visnjic was preparing to ship his sofas and send his slippers. So Your Mama thought we'd offer our kind assistance. After a few phone calls to our spider web of contacts, it was indeed the always on top of things Lucy Spillerguts who informed us that tall, dark, and good looking Goran and his family have decamped to the Birds. The "Bird Streets," that is.

Property records reveal that Mister Visnjic, who has two children and is married a Croatian sculptor, actually purchased a property on Bluebird Avenue back in March of 2005. The records we accessed do not indicate a purchase price, however our Fairy Godmother in West Hollywood, bless her generous and tell-all heart, tells us the property sold for $3,921,000.

Listing information for the property at the time of the sale indicates the house had a Mediterranean and Moroccan fusion interior decor, which certainly sounds very inneresting, but we can't confirm what that actually looks like since we haven't been able to locate photos of the interiors. Listing information also shows that in addition to a walled and gated courtyard, an outdoor kitchen/dining room, and a separate guest house and cabana, the private property just off busy Doheny Drive includes a living room, dining area, great room/kitchen, den, office, wine cellar, family room, library/study, custom tiled bathrooms, and several bedrooms including a romantic master suite. All of which is packed into just 3,793 square feet.

Interestingly, the listing for the property shows the house has 4 bedrooms and 4.5 bathrooms. However, one of our sources for property records lists the house with 5 bedrooms and 6 bathrooms, and another property records database shows the house as having 5 bedrooms and 8 bathrooms. We can't imagine why there would be such a wide discrepancy in the numbers although we think it might have something to do with that separate guest house/pool cabana.

The house on Bluebird has had some interesting owners and residents in the past. Property records show that Zebil Zarif, trust fund bad boy Brandon Davis' wine making father, owned the property in the early 2000s, and another source told Your Mama that struggling ack-tur-us Tracy Tweed occupied the house for a number of years. Miz Tweed is film producer Ted Fields' baby momma, and she is the less successful sister of former Playboy Playmate Shannon Tweed, who is Gene Simmon's long time gurlfriend and baby momma.

Your Mama wishes the Visnjics a happy new home and many congratulations on selling their Sherman Oaks house for more than the asking price, despite all the doom and gloom about the falling price of houses in Los Angeles and other recently white hot markets.

The Widow Evans Triplex Goes to Contract

SELLER: Bonnie Pfeifer Evans
LOCATION: Park Avenue (at 79th Street), New York, NY
PRICE: $29,500,000 (asking)
SIZE: 4 bedrooms, 5 full and 2 half bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: This triplex penthouse on Park Avenue in the 70's is a one of a kind, fabulous fourteen room apartment in one of New York's most distinguished pre-war co-operatives. With terraces on the 16th and 18th floors, the apartment has the rare luxury of outdoor space off both the entertaining and private bedroom floors. There are open city views north, south, east and west with a wonderful vista of Central Park and the West Side skyline from the terraces and west facing windows. The setting for some of the city's most glamorous parties, the public rooms in the apartment are generous and elegant and have a wonder flow, making it ideal for large scale formal entertaining. Sunny and cheerful during the day, at night the twinkling city lights and romantic terraces make the apartment magical. With high ceilings and details such as hand-painted tiles lining the entrance gallery walls and an exquisite mantle and mirror surround the living room fireplace, the triplex has enormous charisma.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Some ten years ago Mister Charles Evans, the brother of hedonistic ladee luvvin' uber producer Robert Evans, and the founder of the Evan Picone clothing label, real estate developer, and one of the producers of the film Tootsie, married an ex-moe-del named Bonnie Pfeifer. Together they lived in wedded bliss atop one of New York's more exclusive co-op buildings at 895 Park Avenue in a lavish and gargantuan 14 room triplex apartment with four bedrooms and 5 full and 2 half bathrooms, a count that includes the uncommonly generously sized staff bedroom and bath located off the kitchen.

In June of 2007, 75 year old Mister Evans bought the farm, may he rest in peace, and according to a blurb in Page Six , poor Mrs. Pfeifer Evans was left, well, poor. We can't verify the truth, or even truthiness of the report, but according to the well read and regarded gossip column, Mister Evans left millions to charity but did not "even provide an apartment for the former model, who is now in the market for a rental." Ouch!

So what's a resourceful widow to do? That's right babies, young Mrs. Pfeifer Evans got her real estate license and put the three floor building topper on the market for a mouth watering $29,500,000. A second blurb in Page Six quoted Miz Pfeifer Evans proclaiming that she hoped "to represent any buyer" of the sky high priced penthouse and pocket the commission. Seems fair.

Your Mama hopes Miz Pfeifer Evans did indeed represent the as yet unidentified buyer who reportedly went to contract to purchase the triplex just 28 days after it landed on the market with a pound of publicity. Now children, what do y'all think that says about the state of the high end market in New York City?

Your Mama would like to direct the attentions of the children to a few of the apartment's more notable features. First we would like the children to take note of the vast and wonderfully colorful living room on the 17th floor which includes a wood burning fireplace surrounded by a soo-blime and intricate example of Verre Eglomisé, a painstaking, regal, and need we say hideously expensive decorative arts process in which precious metals are gilded onto the reverse side of glass. Your Mama wonders if this moment of spectacular in the Evans' living room was done by the talented New York based artist Miriam Ellner.

Goose pimples cover our arms and legs over that blue "garden room/library" on the 16th floor. Yes, the table cloth is vile and the chandelier perhaps a mite under scaled, but otherwise this room with it's gorgeously austere monochromatic color scheme, tone on tone wall mural, and shiver inducing marble floors perfectly fits our vision of what a modern and obscenely expensive Park Avenue penthouse ought to look like. Those walls look like they are covered chalk children, and they are magnificent. Mag-ni-fi-cent.

A blue and gold colored media room glows on the 18th floor where impeccable brocade and velvet 1930s furnishings nicely reference the Art Deco architecture of 895 Park Avenue. But even more impressive perhaps than all those dee-luxe vintage chairs and divans, is that exquisite blue Rothko. Somebody please pass the smelling salts.

Fortunately a private elevator was installed to access all three floors without giving the owner a damn coronary climbing up and down all those stars between the well equipped 16th floor kitchen and the 18th floor master bedroom that includes a private study, a couple of walk in closets and access to the terrific terrace that overlooks Central Park.

Lastly, let's not forget the huge desirability and value of a terrace of any size in the heart of Manhattan, and this apartment comes not with one, but two large and spectacular terraces that look towards the green carpet of Central Park to the west, one serving the public rooms on the 16th floor and one serving the private rooms on the 18th floor.

The glorious Art Deco extravaganza at 895 Park Avenue is no stranger to high profile residents. Philanthropist Marcia Riklis, who became well known in real estate gossip circles when in 2005 she offered her 12 bedroom Southampton home up for a summer rental with a staggering $950,000 Memorial Day to Labor Day asking price, shacks up at 895, and before she made her final trip to Bergdorf Goodman, the formidable and rail thin socialite Nan Kempner and her huzband Thomas occupied a striking 16 room duplex for many, meh-nee years.

Whatever the case with Mister Evans' multi-million dollar estate, Your Mama sincerely hopes that Miz Pfeifer Evans has made enough clammage selling this triplex to buy herself a nice little c0-op off Madison Avenue and that all her Park Avenue princess friends don't act bitchy and ignore her now that she doesn't have oceans of cash. It could happen.

C.C. Wang's Southampton Estate

SELLER: The Estate of Cheng Ching Wang
LOCATION: Gin Lane, Southampton, NY
PRICE: $11,500,000 (sale)
SIZE: 6,054 square feet, 8 bedrooms, 9.5 bathrooms,
DESCRIPTION: First class location, 2.2 very private acres with oversized heated Gunite pool and all-weather tennis court. Sleek interior boasts living room with fireplace, formal dining room, a serious cook's kitchen with breakfast area as well as 8 bedrooms with baths en-suite, including a spacious master with sitting room/office. A separate guest wing has its own living room and music room as well as private entrance.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: It's official. It's C.C. Wang Week at the Real Estalker. We've discussed Mister Wang's dee-luxe duplex apartment at super luxe 740 Park Avenue which was purchased from the estate by his wedding dress diva daughter Vera Wang for $23,100,000, the Pound Ridge estate available to lease for $25,000 per month, the ocean front Palm Beach estate on the market for $23,000,000, and today, thanks to a little Long Island birdie, we have the C.C. Wang Southampton estate.

Located on a prime and private 2.2 acre flag lot off Gin Lane in swanky and staid Southampton (for better or worse, East Hampton is far more glitzy), the sprawling single story 6,054 square foot house with 8 bedrooms and 9.5 bathrooms appears from property records to have been purchased by C.C. Wang and his wife Florence Wu in August of 1977. Given that the Hamptons were still relatively sleepy back in the 1970s compared to the frothing scene it is nowadays, Your Mama would not be surprised to learn that the wealthy Wangs bought this weekend house for well under $1,000,000.

Put on the market shortly after Mister Wang's passing in the fall of 2006, property records reveal that it did not take long to sell the well located property which transferred to a ladee named Cline in June of 2007 for its asking price of $11,500,000.

Clearly the Wangs had a knack for buying properties in all the hoity toity hot spots of the rich and richer, and over the 30 years that they summered in sunny Southampton, the Wangs were in good, or at least very rich company on Gin Lane with the Arthur "Punch" Sulzbergers right next door, financier Felix Rohatyn down the street, and before he passed in 1997, pop art pioneer Roy Lichtenstein summered across the street and a few doors down.

The simply manicured estate sits close enough to the residents only beach at the bottom of Wyandanch Lane (one must possess an expensive parking sticker to park the Range Rover or come on a bicycle), that if the wind is blowing in the right direction the ocean waves can be heard crashing while you sunbathe nekkid next to the over sized Gunite pool or bang the little fuzzy yellow balls on the "all-weather" tennis court. Can somebody explain to Your Mama what in the world an all-weather tennis court is and who in the Hamptons plays tennis in the rain or bitter cold?

Anyhoo, like C.C.'s Pound Ridge property, his Hamptons home is filled to the rafters with white furniture. White, white, and more white. And like Mister Wang's other properties, Your Mama is less than impressed with the flat decor. It's not the mostly white color scheme, we can get behind that choice, it's the strong sense of a lack of inspiration or aspiration working itself out in these rooms. Clearly, this is a home that is lived in, hence the haphazard and pleasantly disarrayed books on the bookshelves and the computer printer on display in the family room. Houses that looked occupied are often more appealing than those that appear ripped from the pages of a decorator show house brochure. So, no babies, these are not bad rooms, they're just boring, another design crime of a different type. Except for those dee-lish-us itty bitty leopard print chairlettes flanking the fireplace and that massive Viking range in the kitchen. Those items we like.

Your Mama is just astonished that the C.C. Wangs had mountains of money and access to one of the high priestesses of New York style, and it appears they never once asked baby Vera for her thoughts and ideas on how to spice up their many high priced homes all up and down the Eastern seaboard. Well, it's a moot point now, isn't it?

Your Mama sincerely hopes that the new owners of all the C.C. Wang properties (including Miz Vera at 740 Park) hire themselves a slew of nice gay decorators to transform all the lackluster Wang real estate jewels into the sparkling gems they were built to be.

As we wrap up our week of Wang, may we offer our humble and belated condolences to the Wang family on the passing of their patriarch. We hope y'all understand that we would never intend to demean C.C. or his many endeavors and accomplishments that made him a freakishly rich man. It's all in good fun kids.

Dear Mister Big Time...

...Our sources tell Your Mama that the answer to today's "Who's Houses Is/Was This" is former Go Go guitarist Jane Wiedlin.

Mister BTL also reports that Miz Wiedlin is go-going downtown to a recently purchased a $695,000 6th floor condo at the Little Tokyo Lofts.

We don't dispute Mister BTL's facts, he has a way with them facts after all, but Your Mama is sorta surprised that Miz Wiedlin would give up a gorgeous 1930 streamlined moderne in Silverlake with 3 bedrooms and 2,053 square foot for a relatively small "loft" in a not so savory part of downtown Los Angeles. Yes people, we know all the new loft conversion downtown are attracting all sorts of celebs, but still. Perhaps Miz Wiedlin has purchased an LA pied a terre and will be living elsewhere? Anyone? Bueller?

The Silverlake house, built by noted architect William Kessling and known as the Skinner House, was purchased by Atlanta-based decorator William Stewart whom Your Mama presumes will do a better job decorating the place than Miz Wiedlin did. A round bed with horse paintings in the master bedroom? Come on gurl. Your Mama loves us the Go Gos, but this decor is a no no.

A-Rod Walks On Shaq

According to the Miami Herald (via the South Beach Real Estate Blog) the princely paid professional baseballer Alex Rodriguez (known in ball luvin' circles as A-Rod) has walked away from his contract to purchase the$32,000,000 Shaq Shack on celebrity laden Star Island in Miami.

Apparently the Rodriguez family have changed their minds and decided they prefer to remain in the Coral Gables area where they currently own a $12,000,000 ocean front house with six bedrooms, and also where Mrs. A-Rods built in babysitter parents live in nearby Coconut Grove.

According the the Herald report, Shaq and Shaunie O'Neal are butting heads in dee-vorce court and it is in fact Shaunie who resides in the Star Island mansion. And apparently she wants to stay living there. Court papers reveal she "no longer agrees to the sale" of the palatial property. Uh oh, this is gonna get ugly children.

Shaunie lives in the 19,440 square foot mega manse with the splitting couple's four children, plus her son from a previous relationship, plus her mother. A nanny, a chef, two housekeepers and a house manager come in daily, so it's a good damn thing Shaq rakes in a reported $1,500,000 per month to pay all them people and keep Shaunie and the shorties shacked up in style.

Shaq is reported to be living elsewhere in the area, but according court papers (copies of which were provided to Your Mama by the always helpful Mister Smiley), the couple also own a lavish home in Orlando and a luxury apartment at the Ritz-Carlton Residences in downtown Los Angeles.

C.C. Wang's Palm Beach Estate

SELLER: The Estate of C.C. Wang
LOCATION: Ocean Boulevard, Palm Beach, FL
PRICE: $23,000,000
SIZE: 9,706 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 9 full and 1 half bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Mizner oceanfront estate, Villa Tranquila, located in the prestigious estate section of Palm Beach features a formal living room with fireplace, family room with fireplace and wet bar, formal dining room with 2 fireplaces, master suite with fireplace and his and her baths, guest bedroom with private balcony, fireplace and spectacular ocean views unobstructed by the road, elevator, fitness room, magnificent heated pool, 5 fountains, 3-car garage and a 12 car-park court.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Ever since the death of bridal maven Vera Wang's oil and pharmaceutical tycoon daddy Cheng Ching Wang, we've been discussing the real estate whirligig that has ensued. Whispered speculation could be heard in the better buildings up and down posh Park Avenue as to what would happen to the elder Wang's vast duplex occupying a prominent corner on the 10th and 11th floors of the hyper luxe 740 Park Avenue. The duplex, purchased in 1983 for just $350,000 from Campbell's soup heiress Elinor Dorrance, has sat empty and lonely since Mrs. Florence Wu Wang passed in 1995. At that time, according to recent reports, the Beijing born bizness man purchased and moved to a somewhat smaller 3 bedroom apartment up the Avenue at 820 Park, which has since been sold.

As it turns out, the desirable duplex at swank 740 was purchased from the estate by none other than Vera Wang and her huzband Arthur Becker for $23,100,000, who have also gone to contract to sell their full floor spread up the Avenue at 778 Park that was listed at a whopping $35,000,000. So all the lacquer haired biddies and hedge fund honchos who shack up at 740 can rest easy knowing they've simply swapped one rich Wang for another rich Wang.

Yesterday we discussed C.C. Wang's Westchester County residence in swank and sylvan Pound Ridge, north of New York City. Available to lease at $25,000 per month, the 33 acre property offers total seclusion, a private 8 acre pond, and a kooky but appealing 1970s era contemporary house filled with white sofas and Chinese vases. We're still puzzled at so why the place is for lease and not for sale. Or is it?

Today, thanks to enterprising tipster Billy Blabbermouth, Your Mama brings the children the Palm Beach estate of C.C. Wang, which has also been put up for sale with an asking price of $23,000,000. That might sound like an awful lot of money for a pretty house with an uninspired and dated interior, but children this is plushy Palm Beach, playground of filthy rich and extremely privileged blue blooded scions, magnates, and financiers where all the standard real estate rules for home prices do not apply.

According to property records, the 9,706 square foot Addison Mizner designed ocean front estate, dubbed "Villa Tranquila," was purchased by C.C. Wang in February 1996 for $4,750,000, so if the property sells for anywhere near it's asking price, the estate's coffers will balloon with a hefty return on Mister Wang's wise real estate investment.

Listing and property record information for the house show the sprawling and fanciful Mediterranean style house includes 5 bedrooms, and 9 full and 1 half bathrooms, which means that a full time gurl is necessary to keep all 10 of them terlits clean and sparkling. But if you can afford this house, then paying a gurl to hold a damn terlit brush in her hand 24 hours a day is not a problem.

Clearly Mister C.C. Wang did not hire a nice gay decorator to do up his Palm Beach getaway, and apparently he did not ask his suave and stylish daughter to help him pick out the furniture either. All due respect to the dead, but most of the interior furnishings in this house look like Mister C.C. Wang sent his household staff down to the local Salvation Army to buy up a houseful drab hand-me-downs donated by all the Palm Beach behatchas who decorate and redecorate just to have something to do with their time.

Now babies, we know that when ol' C.C. bought this mansion he was already up in years and probably didn't care much for wasting money on pedigreed pedestals and costly commodes, but that is no excuse for that pair of obscene beige bucket chairs in the room with the too big television shoved into the corner and pickled wood walls and ceiling. Vera, hunny, you should have instructed the staff to sneak those abominations out to the dumpster in the middle of the night while yer daddy was sleeping. Seriously, those "chairs" have no place in a ritzy enclave like Palm Beach or in a house of this quality and caliber anywhere. Gurl, you know Your Mama is right on that.

However, we feel entirely differently about those two gorgeous leather chairs in front of the fireplace and the two 1940s looking chairs with the white seats and lovely curving backs in the big living room. We can imagine those might find a place into Miz Wang's new digs at 740. Or perhaps if Miz Wang does not care to keep them, she might allow Your Mama could find a place for them in one of our residences?

More Michael Jackson Foreclosure Madness

Your Mama just loves us some Raymone Bain. The stern and loyal spokesladee for Michael Jackson has got to be falling down dizzy after all the spinning she's done regarding the possible foreclosure on Neverland Ranch, The White Lady's personal playground in Los Olivos, CA.

Late last week, after news broke far and wide about Neverland Ranch being in foreclosure, Miz Bain adamantly stated that Mister Jackson "was never in default of the loan" and that he was simply in the midst of refinancing. But according to The Mortgage Lender Implode-O-Meter, Miz Bain is not being entirely truthful about the status of the $23,000,000 loan (plus $212,963.83 in interest) that was secured by the value of Neverland Ranch.

While it's not certain that Mister Jackson will indeed lose the vast and over developed property (he can always make good on what's owned on the loan or sell the property to repay the loan), title documents dug up by Implode-O-Meter clearly show that Michael J. Jackson is currently in default of the leviathan loan and the nasty foreclosure process has begun. Uh oh. Somebody in Jackson's camp had better put a fire under whatever bank is foolish enough to refinance The White Lady's considerable debt.

Your Mama hopes that Mister Jackson's attorneys, or whomever it is that manages his affairs these days, are burning up the phone lines to all the high end brokers in Santa Barbara and Los Angeles quietly inquiring if they know of any investors interested in sub-dividable 2,700 acre ranch with a petting zoo, teepee town, private train and station (pictured above courtesy of Pacific Coast News), a broken down amusement park, and a sprawling, poorly decorated Tudor style house that includes a two story heavily fortified master bedroom suite.

Your move Miz Bain.

C.C. Wang's Pound Ridge Estate

OWNER: The Estate of Cheng Ching Wang
LOCATION: Pound Ridge, NY
PRICE: $25,000/month
SIZE: 33 acres, 5,500 square feet (approx.), 5 bedrooms, 6 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Fabulous 33 acre estate. Main level: living rm w/ frplce, sliders to wrap-arnd deck, EIK, 3 fmly bdrm, 2 bth, pwdr rm, mstr w/ bth. Lower level: Main/nanny rm w/bth, lndry, wine cellar, pwdr rm, fmly rm w/ pool table, 60" TV, frplce, sliders out. Upper level: Card rm/office. Pool, pool house, tennis court, private 8-acre lake.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Thanks to Belinda Beaverman, one of Your Mama's ever intrepid and eager researchers, we have learned that the Wang family, the Vera Wang family hunnies, has offered the Pound Ridge residence of the very recently deceased oil and pharmaceutical tycoon Cheng Ching Wang for lease at $25,000 per month. If ya'll will recall, Mister C.C. Wang, may he rest in peace, is Miz Vera's big daddy who bankrolled her bridal bizness and whose duplex apartment at the obscenely exclusive and expensive 740 Park Avenue Miz Wang recently purchased from the Wang estate for a reported $23,100,000.

The genteel, rural, and rolling hills of waspy Westchester County, just north of New York City, are filled some of New York's more impressive and discreet communities where rich folks often own large (and sometimes huge) farms and estates. The hills and dales of Westchester County, sometimes referred to as the Beverly Hills of New York, are dotted with the rich and famous, including Bill and Hillary Clinton who "live" in Chappaqua–theoretically anyway, because Your Mama isn't sure how much time either of them actually spends there. Big bad Martha Stewart owns a famous and formidable farm up in Bedford (where she did her infamous house arrest), which is near Glenn Close's getaway on the unfortunately named Succabone Road. Financier George Soros has a krib in Katonah, and late night talk show king David Letterman owns a 100+ acre spread up in North Salem. In addition to the entire Wang crew, posh Pound Ridge claims Mike Myers, Richard Gere, and Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins as residents, or at least part time residents.

The C.C. Wang compound, located on Eastwoods Road is said to sprawl over 100+ acres, but the property offered to lease occupies only 33 of those acres and includes a very long driveway for celebrity style privacy and security, several outbuildings, a tennis/paddle court, heated swimming pool with pool house, acres and acres of verdant lawns, and a private and serene 8-acre body of water called Shackleford Pond.

The 5,500 square foot 1970s contemporary, vaguely Asian looking, bunker-esque house is relatively modest by comparison to all the dee-luxe filthy rich folk amenities, which impresses Your Mama considerably. Certainly the C.C. Wangs could have afforded a much more lavish monster mansion. After all they did occupy that titanic duplex at 740 Park Avenue.

According to listing information, the bunker-like house includes a large living room with vaulted ceiling, 4 bedrooms, a walk out basement with a family room, a 60" television for sports freak and movie nuts, a wine cellar for the oenophile, a card room for playing Canasta and Bridge with all the Pound Ridge biddies, and a fifth bedroom in the basement for the nanny, because let's be honest, who wants to watch their own children at the weekend house?

Perhaps a tough negotiator for the lease will be able to get the Wangs to toss in a complimentary membership to the nearby Pound Ridge Golf Club, which is owned by by Vera's brother Kenneth and scheduled to open in early summer 2008.

Although it's really none of our beeswax, it's more than a little puzzling to Your Mama that the Wang children would put their dead parent's perfectly manicured Pound Ridge property out for lease. While neither Vera nor Kenneth would need the house themselves (they both reportedly have houses in Pound Ridge already), they certainly they can't need the income. Can they?

Whatever the case, we presume the house will be leased to someone with a big fat Wall Street bonus who wants a home base while hunting to purchase a Pound Ridge spread of their own. Your Mama just hopes they have the manners and grace to remove their shoes off before putting their skanky feet on all that white furniture.

Catherine Bell Misses the Mark in Calabasas

SELLER: Catherine Bell
LOCATION. Garrett Court, Calabasas, CA
PRICE: $2,895,000
SIZE: 5,676 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 6 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Tuscan one-story in gated Mureau Estates on acre+ lot with huge flat lawns and serene mountain views. Moto court to domed entry and huge living room with beamed ceilings and hardwood floors overlooking verdant gardens. Huge master suite with walk ins plus 4 additional bedrooms with ensuite baths. Grand kitchen with stainless appliances and all the best! Complete "smart house" audio, video and lighting controls plus home theatre with electronic reclining seats.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Having earlier discussed celebrity Scientologists Beck and Marissa Ribisi's new Hancock Park house, Your Mama continues the theme with a discussion of the Calabasas casa of another celebrity Scientology couple, hot to trot actress Catherine Bell (Army Wives, JAG) and her huzband Adam Beason, a former stunt man who is currently "working in computers," whatever that means.

Property records show that the couple purchased their newly constructed 5,676 square foot "Tuscan" style house in May of 2005 for $2,580,000. Which means that at it's current asking price of $2,895,000, the hard bodied Ms. Bell and her computer savvy spouse will barely clear enough cash to pay a respectable mover to pack up and move their crap to another high end cookie cutter suburban dream house.

Located in a small gated enclave of 11 like-minded homes just outside the guard gated celebrity laden community of Hidden Hills, the single story house has five bedrooms, half a dozen bathrooms, a four car garage, a fancy kitchen with all the bells and whistles, a screening room, and no damn pool. No pool? What? People should be arrested and given a beat down for not putting swimming pools in the vast backyards of all these multi-million dollar mini mansions out in the blistering heat of the western suburbs. Three million clams for a house and you gotta use the public pool? Your Mama thinks not.

Even more troublesome about this property than the almost unforgivable lack of a swimming pool, is the location just outside the glittering gates of Hidden Hills. Your Mama feels deep in our prodigious gut that this house has a 2,000 square foot inferiority complex, and if this poor house could talk it would say, "I wish I could be an equestrian estate in fancy pants Hidden Hills like former teen idol Shaun Cassidy's 7 bedroom ranchette just below." But alas.

It goes without saying that Your Mama does not care for the faux Tuscan exterior extravaganza. We are also non-plussed by the interior spaces where it appears Miz Bell attempted (unsuccessfully) to act as her own nice gay decorator. The Bell/Beason place is not without some successes: We like the leather bar stools in the kitchen, that curved banquet in the breakfast area is entertaining (except for that hideous orange poof thing), the breakfast table itself has a pleasant organic quality, and the screening room works better than some of the tacky messes we often see in the homes of the rich and/or famous. We dig the burnt orange curtains in the living room, and for some strange and inexplicable reason that silly shiny white horse "sculpture" thing in the living room floats our boat.

Otherwise, we're sorry to say, the place is a bit of a mess. Do we start with the too small and ugly rugs in the master bedroom? How about with the motorcycle parked INSIDE the house despite the 4 car garage? Or do we begin with the flimsy and cheap looking pool table? Or how about the upsetting conversion of the garage into a home gymnasium? Ugh. And then there's that damn pot rack in the kitchen, which just chaps Your Mama hide. Children, you must learn to resist any and all temptations to hang pot racks in your homes. Please. Just say no!

If Your Mama is being honest, and we always are, this house is more banal than offensive (except for the pot rack, which is just revolting), and we hope that Miz Bell will do herself a favor and hire herself a nice gay decorator to help her pull it all together and spice up her next home. We believe she's got some good instincts (she does understand the value of putting actual books in the living room, after all), but she needs some honing and guidance to smooth out some of those rough edged and ill advised decorating choices. Listen Cat hunny, if you need some help choosing a decorator, please let Your Mama know and we'll get you a long list of prospective home beautifiers willing to take on a too expensive suburban tract house.

Now, get Shaun Cassidy on the phone because Your Mama has a serious bone to pick with him.

Your Mama Hears...

...that the former New York "It Boy" debutard Fabian Basabe and his La Perla lingerie heiress wifey Martina Borgomanero have recently decamped to Los Angeles, and according to our source, the couple have moved into a decidedly un-glamorous condominium on lower Sunset Plaza Drive in West Hollywood. And hunnies, it's damn rental. A rental! Now children, many dream of living on Sunset Plaza, and there's nothing wrong with this location. Unless you're uber snob Fabian Basabe.

Your Mama hopes from the bottom of our cold heart that this common folk condo is temporary while the gadabout couple hunt for more suitable and respectable digs. Honestly. Both of these kids have rich parents who can surely help them out with the down payment and then pay the mortgage on a two or three million dolla' home. Right? Maybe Fabian's father can pay the mortgage one month and and Martina's father the next.

Your Mama realizes that if you live East of the East River, and West of the Hudson River you might not have a clue who this show boating publicity hound Fabian Basabe is or why Your Mama would waste our time writing about him. But we can't help it. We just love stories about trust fund layabouts. Besides, we've read so much about him on the high-larious and mean spirited Gawker website that we're addicted to his crazy ways like a nasty crack ho.

Children, think of young Mister Basabe as a male version of Paris Hilton. Only far more articulate. He's young and glamorous in a snotty sort of way, rich (although perhaps not as rich as he might like you to think), essentially jobless (he does write a rarely updated, sometimes funny, and always bitchy blog for Paper, and for some reason people pay him to show up at parties and events), he's well connected, generally well liked by the social crowd (although not so much outside of it), and mostly he's famous for being famous.

In an effort to publicize himself (his favorite past time) and secure himself a pole position in that pantheon of "celebrities" who don't do anything but publicize themselves, he grants lots of interviews, poses for pile of pictures, goes to a lot of charity functions, spends long evenings hopping from one exclusive nightclub to another, and he appeared on that embarrassing Joe Simpson produced reality show Filthy Rich: Cattle drive, which only made him look like an ignorant, useless and spoiled asshole. (Sorry, Fabe, but it did.)

We're not sure what Mister Basabe's "professional" or real estate plans are out in La La Land. Your Mama hopes he'll be cast on the next season of Dancing With the Stars, or perhaps the even more upsetting and shocking The Surreal Life. Now that would be a-may-zing. Call your agent Fabe! We are also unnaturally interested to learn if the notoriously insular nightclub-land glitterati in Los Angeles embrace his brand of self involved fabulessness or if they leave him standing on the wrong side of the velvet rope. Perhaps Mister Basabe will be kind enough to let us know how things are going for him in LA and send us some snaps of his new rental condo.

Source: ABC News (photo)

The House of Beck

BUYER: Beck Hansen and Marissa Ribisi
LOCATION: S. Hudson Avenue, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $6,750,000
SIZE: 5,718 square feet, 6 bedrooms, 9 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: On a beautifully manicured corner lot setting / soaring Sycamores and Elms, this handsome estate offers large scale public rms incl. LR + Lanai, Library, Formal Din rm plus huge Kit/Fam rm measuring 53' x 26' which serves as lifestyle center of the home. Grand Master Suite contains 6 rooms and Juliet balconies. 15 pairs of French drs overlook dramatic outdoor destinations inc. open- air Liv rm/Cabana w/ wine chiller, WDFP, wet bar & 60' swim lane Pool. Luxury of space, privacy & refinement.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Yesterday the LA Times' celebrity real estate doyenne Ruth Ryon wrote about the Hancock Park house Grammy winning musician Beck and his acturuss wifey Marissa Ribisi purchased earlier this year for $6,750,000. Mister Big Time followed up with his typically in depth elaboration.

Turns out Your Mama previously discussed the recently renovated S. Hudson Avenue property back in early March. But children, we confess, we made a HUGE mistake on that discussion. We must have been on some kinda drugs back in March because Your Mama erroneously reported that the house was owned by one of "The Spitter's" music managers Peter Leak.

Yes, the house did at one time belong to Peter Leak and his gallerist wifey Karyn Lovegrove, but it's clear as crystal from the property records that the arty farty couple sold the place in March of 2005 for $3,300,000 to a private investor who flipped the damn property. Our eyes must have been deceiving us back then puppies and we apologize for putting out incorrect information.

Anyhoo...Moving on.

For what it's worth, the Leak/Lovegroves didn't move far when they sold their house off to the house flipper. In fact, they just moved a couple doors down. The couple and family still live on S. Hudson in an 8,819 square foot 7 bedroom and 7 bathroom house they purchased in April of 2005. Your Mama wonders if they just loaded up a few stolen shopping carts and walked all their belongings down the street like most people who are not rich and famous would have done.

As Mister Big Time noted, former Friend David Schwimmer also lives nearby on S. Hudson Avenue in a monstrous 11,336 square foot house with 10 bedrooms and 9 damn bathrooms that he purchased in May of 2001. Now children, what does a single man who's having a rough go of it post-Friends need with 10 bedrooms and 9 bathrooms? It just chills Your Mama's insides to think of Mister Schwimmer rattling and roaming about that giant house in his boxer shorts and tube socks waiting for his agent to call.

Also in the 'hood is celebrity interior designer Ruthie Sommers who along with her huzband plunked down $2,015,000 for a comparatively petite 2,614 square foot house adjacent to Beck's new pad. And across the street is the banker Bruce Raben's 14,071 square foot English Tudor behemoth.

According to Miz Ryon, Beck and Marissa, die hard Scientologists, have been renovating the renovated house and have yet to move their shit into their new digs. Your Mama has learned that the funky and delightful singer also purchased an outpost in Malee-boo earlier this year paying $2,050,000 for a very modest 3 bedroom and 2 bathroom house on Larkspur Lane in the Point Dume area. So perhaps this is where Mister and Missus are shacking up while doing over their new place in Hancock Park. But children, don't any of you nimrods get the not very wise idea to drive out to Point Dume to catch a glimpse of the Hansen clan because, bless their little hearts, those Point Dume people would rather slash your tires than have your sorry ass trawling their streets.

Now then, all of you bitchy Bev Hills brats can scream and yell in the comments section about how dangerous Hancock Park is, how much faster the po-po's response time is in Beverly Hills, and how Beck better hire himself some private security to protect his family from all the marauding hooligans in Hancock Park. But babies, just keep in mind, there have been scads of bold and unsolved burglaries all across the posh zip codes Bel Air and Bev Hills in the last few years.

More Michael Jackson Nonsense

Your Mama knew that Michael Jackson's loyal spokesladee Raymone Bain would eventually make some sort of convoluted and glorious comment about the recent brouhaha regarding The White Lady's finances and the impending foreclosure on "Neverland Ranch." And she did! Oh lawhd children, Your Mama just cain't get enough of that ca-razy talking Raymone Bain.

According to Miz Bain, The White Lady was never in default on the $23,000,000 loan that was taken in April of 2006 and reportedly secured by "Neverland Ranch."

He's just "refinancing." Oh. Well. Right. Hmm.

According to our banking industry source in California, a "Notice of Default" is usually sent after three loan payments have been missed. If the borrower does not pay up within 30 days, a foreclosure notice is issued and the bank begins the long and arduous process required to take possession of the property.

Word to the wise Miz Bain, Your Mama suggests you get on the horn and ring up someone in the Santa Barbara County government right quick because Mister Jackson's "Neverland Ranch" property appears on their Notice of Default report. We know that's true, we've seen the report. While you're at it, you better call the folks at Alliance Default Services in San Francisco, because they were under the impression that the loan was in default (to the tune of $212,000+) and possibly headed into foreclosure.

Listen Michael, hunny. Listen to Your Mama here. It is time to let go of your creepy carnival out in Los Olivos. Do yourself and your faltering finances a favor and sell that place off and get out from the considerable costs associated with maintaining such a vast property. Buy yerself a nice 7,000 square foot gated home in suburban Cleveland and try to raise those lily white children of yours with some sense of stability. Seriously, think about it.

Kanye's Krib

OWNER: Kanye West
LOCATION: Fareholm Drive, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $1,750,000 (purchased in 2003)
SIZE: 4,214 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: If Your Mama is being honest, and we always are, we don't like Kanye West as a public personality. It is just our opinion children, but we find the 6 time Grammy winning hip hopper oozes ego in a smarmy and off putting "I'm better than you" sort of way. Then there was that hissy fit at the MTV Music Awards which just made him look like a complete ass. Mister West may in fact be a warm, fuzzy and down to earth guy in person, and we sincerely hope he is. But if Your Mama was his highly paid PR flak we'd be telling the dude to tone it down and put his damn feet back on the ground.

The other day Your Mama discussed Mister West's demolition ready Beverly Hills flats flip property that he recently and boldly dropped onto the market for $8,699,000. Can you remember that far back puppies? Mister West never actually renovated, rebuilt or moved into that dump, so Your Mama got to wondering where the obsessively groomed and perfectly coiffed singer actually beds down at night.

While Your Mama has vast network of tipsters, tattlers and crack researchers, we are not miracle workers. Believe it or not, there are times when Your Mama struggles to locate the current residences of entertainment superstars. For example, with the help of Lucy Spillerguts, Your Mama just located the two adjacent Hidden Hills properties owned by rock 'n roll scion Lisa Marie Presley after several months of on and off hunting. We toiled similarly looking for Kanye's krib in the City of Angels, and came up empty until Mister Big Time filled in our real estate gaps and informed us that Mister Kanye West purchased his kurrent krib on Fareholm Drive in November of 2003 for $1,750,000. He's clearly dumped a lot more money into customizing and renovating the place.

During our (admitedly) not very extensive research on the internetsm, Your Mama did come up with a recent and amazing article from Interior Design magazine via CasaSugar (and another from Harper's Bazaar) about Mister Kanye West's modern, minimal and pop art filled party pad at the foot of the Hollywood Hills overlooking Hollywood Boulevard. The article reveals three things we imagine many people, people including Your Mama, don't likely know about Mister West. He studied fine art at the American Academy of Art in Chicago, he's a fan and collector of pop art, and he's a design diva. Not being much of a fan of Mister West, the article also educated Your Mama to the fact that he is now engaged to his long time fashionista gurlfriend Alexis Phifer. Well look at that. Shows you want Your Mama knows, we didn't even know he liked the ladees.

We have no doubt that Mister West is as meticulous in his housekeeping as he is about his grooming, and the squeaky clean rapper prolly employs a team of good lookin' gurls (or boys) to keep the slick surfaces of his sleek home dust and finger print free. However, when looking at the plush pictures by photographer Art Gray for Interior Design, please keep in mind that a crew of giddy gay stylists scrubbed the place clean of personal effects like shampoo bottles, mobile phones, and stacks of paper so that the place appears as spare as a modern art museum. It's highly unlikely the place looks this uncluttered and un-lived in everyday.

According to the I.D. article, Desiridata Design was hired to do over the place into Mister West's fantasy vision of "a cross between a museum and a Louis Vuitton boutique." And hunnies, it's Louis Vuitton all over the place up in this krib. Not only is there a short stack of custom ordered trunks on display in the entrance hall and a marvelous vintage steamer in the kitchen, there's at least a dozen multi-colored hard sided cases stacked up more than six feet high in the big man's office. There's also a customized Louis Vuitton drum machine, which is just overkill in Your Mama's design book. But then again, what do we know?

Your Mama does not love everything about Mister West's house, but there are several notable features that we would like to point out:

1. The French walnut floors are outta this world. We have goose pimples thinking about how delicious that material must feel on bare feet.
2. The trio of Warhol soup can silk screens? They are the real thing, kids. And they cost a fortune.
3. Generally we are not a fan of Japanese art star Takashi Murakami's kooky work, Your Mama digs the big skull painting in the living room and all those Murakami flower pillows in Mister West's office are whimsically dee-voon.
4. Given half a chance, Your Mama would sneak that hot pink Russell Young silk screen of Marilyn Monroe entertaining the troops out of the house in a big Louis Vuitton bag.
5. That mural that Mister Kanye commissioned for the dining room ceiling? Uhm, no. But fortunately, the iconic Fortuny floor lamp pleasantly distracts from the upsetting ceiling issue.
6. The gor-gee-us travertine clad bathroom has Your Mama's head gleefully spinning around like the devil possessed gurl in The Exorcist and that is by far the most spectacular residential fish tank we have ever seen.
7. Even though it's butt ugly and we don't give a crap what any of the children think about it, Your Mama would pummel the Pope for that limited edition Brothers Campana stuffed animal chair.
8. Your Mama does not care for those wacky Burton Morris paintings of the Jetsons, but the spectacular turquoise Eero Koivisto chair in the game room has us in a cold sweat.
9. Do ya'll notice that despite the lovely lily white walls, this house is filled with bright and pleasing color? Bravo!
10. Lastly, what's not to love about a customized closet where one's multi colored kicks can be lined up like a poor man's Damien Hirst sculpture?

Your Mama is just going to make one recommendation to Mister West about his decorative choices. Dude, you better hire some extra security, because PETA is going to be throwing blood balloons at yer damn house after they see all that red-fox and chinchilla fur stuff on the bed.

Nicole Richie Rejected

Put on your thinking caps children and see if you can follow us through knocked up starvlet Nicole Richie's recent real estate whirligig.

Miz Richie recently put her 2,246 square foot West Hollywood condo on the market for $2,300,000 and she's been shacking up at her baby daddy Joel Madden's recently renovated mini-manse in suburban Glendale.

Your Mama then read (but we can't remember where) that the expecting couple was on the hunt for a new home to raise baby in Calabasas or some other western suburb far from the maddening crowds on Robertson Boulevard.

Then all the news broke about Miz Richie's filthy rich daddy paid $1,200,000 for actor Dennis Franz's Century City condo as a gift for the unmarried parents to be. To be honest, Your Mama never understood this purchase unless it was meant as some kind of pied a terre for the Richie/Madden clan to hole up near her mother's Bel Air behemoth on Funchal Road and her father's newly built mansion on Copley Place overlooking the Los Angeles Country Club.

More recent reports have said that Miz Richie, clearly the muscle in that relationship, did not want to raise her baby in the valley and wanted to live closer to her parents, so the couple was eyeing a $7,000,000 Century City condo. Although we can not confirm (did you READ that numb skulls, we can not confirm), but Your Mama is pretty sure the photos above are the condo/house the Richie/Maddens had hoped to purchase. The four bedroom and 6 bathroom house on Century Woods Drive is on the market for $7,250,000. But alas...

Earlier today, 5 Eyes sent Your Mama a link to US Magazine who reports that the paparazzi magnets were "denied by residents who were concerned about photographers hovering near their homes." Dee-nied! A source told US that Miz Richie "was livid because she loved the house." Bummer.

Maybe the glossy gossip magazine favorites should consider buying Avril Lavigne's Mulholland Estates house that is currently on the market for $6,200,000 and sits just a few doors down from Miz Richie's childhood bff Paris Hilton's new pad.

The Johnny Depp Real Estate Rumor Mill

BUYER: Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis
LOCATION: Somerset, England
PRICE: $2,725,000 (approx.)

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: According to the Rupert Murdoch's British uber tabloid The Sun, American expat actor Johnny Depp and his French lady lover Vanessa Paradis have purchased a humongous 150 year old mansion in Somerset, England.

According to Ms. Wonderland, the British lovely who tipped us off to the Sun article, the West Country behemoth sits in the Quantock Hills, a gorgeous rural area not known for mammoth mansions or big name celebrity residents.

The article in The Sun reports that Meester Depp and Missus Paradis have embarked on a massive and expensive renovation to the tune of $5,000,000. When completed, the old hunting lodge will reportedly feature dee-luxe amenities like a tennis court, an indoor pool, and a helipad, natch.

Interestingly, another article from The Sun, dated October 29, reports that Meester Depp was turned away at the trendy Fox and Goose pub in Fressingfield, Suffolk where he "is reportedly looking for a home in the area." Hmm. That's odd. One quick look at a map tell Yours Mama that Fressingfield is nowhere near the Quantuck Hills, so make of The Sun reports what you will.

Meester Depp has no shortage of houses to call home around the world. The highly paid actor owns properties in the South of France and a 45 acre private island in the Bahamas. In Los Angeles the Depp digs include a huge spread just above Sunset Boulevard in West Hollywood previously owned by Bela Lugosi and celebrity divorce attorney Marvin Mitchelson, and recently the actor dropped $2,100,000 on a penthouse at the turquoise Eastern Columbia building in a rather unsavory part of downtown LA.

Source: The Sun (photo)

UPDATE: Linda Stein

Oh no children, say it isn't so. Have you read the latest reports about the murder of New York celebrity real estate agent Linda Stein?

According to several reports, Miz Stein's personal assistant, a woman named Natavia Lowery, has been arrested and charged with 2nd degree murder after giving verbal and written confessions to the heinous crime.

According to the New York Times, The 26 year old resident of Brooklyn has told police that she bludgeoned her boss to death because "...Ms. Stein swore at her, waved a stick at her and blew marijuana smoke into her face." Apparently Miz Lowery smacked Miz Stein half a dozen times with a yoga stick.

A damn yoga stick? What!? That is some kinda sick irony, isn't it?

Mariel Hemingway Has a Flair for Color

SELLER: Mariel Hemingway and Stephen Crisman
LOCATION: Indian Pony Circle, Westlake Village, CA
PRICE: $3,199,000
SIZE: 6,274 square feet, 6 bedrooms, 5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Lovely updated home w/ spectacular park like yard! Center island gourmet kitchen w/ stainless steel appliances w/ Wolf commercial range adjoins breakfast & family room. Formal entrance, spacious formal dining & living rooms. 6 large bedrooms + an office. 3 bedrms + 2 baths down and 3 bedrms + office w/ 3 bathrooms up. 5 balconies, 3 fireplaces, maids qtrs. Or theater room. Large grassy bkyd has pool/spa. Basketball crt., gazebo, BBQ.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Your Mama likes Oscar nominated actress Mariel Hemingway. She's got an amazing pedigree (she's a Hemingway for chrissakes), she's drop dead gorgeous (or at least she was in the dew of her youth), and she starred in three films Your Mama adores. First there was the stunning 1976 fashion thriller Lipstick, and in the early 1980s there was the campy lezbo fantasy film Personal Best, and then came Star 80, a fantastic film for which the dedicated actress had her damn boobs enlarged (and later removed).

However, Your Mama can't say we feel such warmth about the big Westlake Village house she shares with her documentary filmmaker huzband Stephen Crisman and their two children. The couple recently put said 6 bedroom and 5 bathroom quasi-Spanish style house on the market for $3,199,000. Property records reveal that Mister and Missus Crisman purchased their 6,274 square foot house in June of 1998 for $1,065,000.

From the exterior photographs Your Mama had such high hopes. We love the covered patios on the ground floor framed by climbing vines that reach up to the second floor balconies. The tile roof is very pretty and we can even cope with that tile roofed gazebo thing by the pool–Your Mama needs a nice shady place to get our massages from Sven. But alas, the interiors and bizarre paint choices make us more than a little squeamish and have us reaching for our extensive rolodex of nice gay decorators who are willing to drive their Jaguars out to the suburban wilds of Westlake Village.

The big kitchen appears to be well appointed with a big Wolf range, but what decorating devil possessed Miz Hemingway to paint the walls of her big kitchen eggplant color? Eggplant! Even more disturbing than the depressing dark purple is that lighter shade of purple nastiness at the left of the photo of the dismal breakfast room. And do not even get Your Mama started on that obscene textured ceiling in the kitchen and breakfast room. Holy Moly that bizness just sends shivers up and down our spine.

We've also got issues with the acres of pickled wood flooring. Pickled. Wood. Floor. Enough said.

Up in the master bedroom we at least see a paint color that doesn't give Your Mama hives and we are quite digging that big four poster bed which looks snazzy with it's white linens and blue cushions. However, the chest at the foot of the bed is atrocious and distracting and that weird spinning wheel on the fireplace hearth is, well, it's just weird.

Given that the Crisman crew is selling this place it's probably too late for them to do anything about some of the flawed furniture choices, but it's certainly not too late to have a painter get up in there and neutralize some of the intense paint colors. Miz Hemingway, talk to you real estate agent, he or she can probably get someone over there quick. And you should.

Leonard Blavatnik: The $150,000,000 Man

BUYER: Leonard Blavatnik
LOCATION: The Mark, Madison Avenue and 77th Street, New York City
PRICE: $150,000,000
SIZE: 30,000 square feet

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Russian born and Harvard educated tycoon Leonard Blavatnik has been trying to buy behemoth apartments all over town. After dumping a reported $27,500,000 for a 14 room sprawler at the uber-exclusive 998 Fifth Avenue, he reportedly wanted to purchase an adjoining apartment to combine into one mega-mansion in the sky, but the powerful board put the kibosh on that bit of real estate folly.

So what's a billionaire mogul to do? Go shopping for a new colossal crib, natch. In the process, Mister Blavatnik was reportedly turned down by the demanding and snobby boards at the San Remo (where Bono currently lives and Madonna was famously turned away), and also at the elegant 927 Fifth Avenue (home to a too nipped and tucked Mary Tyler Moore).

No doubt irate with the boards of all the better buildings, the filthy rich mogul started looking for a twonhouse and settled on booze baron Edgar Bronfman Jr.'s tremendous East 64th Street townhouse, for which Mister Blavatnik JUST paid a reported fifty million (plus) clams.

Apparently Mister Blavatnik was not entirely satisfied with the 31 foot wide townhouse with its 2.5 story indoor piazza and secret stairways, because yesterday, the NY Post's resident celebrity real estate gossip reported that the real estate obsessed fat cat is rumored to have signed a letter of intent to cough up a staggering $150,000,000 for 30,000 square feet of living space at The Mark, the legendary hotel that is currently undergoing a spectacular renovation that in addition to hotel rooms will include large suites and apartments for purchase.

According to Keil's sources, Blavatnik's triplex penthouse will span the top three floors (plus 3,900 square feet of outdoor space) of the building that anchors a super swank corner at Madison Avenue and 77th Street. The interior spaces of The Mark are being aggressively overhauled by celebrated French designer Jacques Grange who plans to install a dizzying and humorous black and white floor in the lobby. The suites and apartments are scheduled to be fitted with oak floors, Boffi kitchens and Grand-Hotel inspired baths. But given that Mister Blavatnik's obscenely humongous penthouse will be a combination of 5 units–which Kiel reports would total 23 bedrooms, 25 bathrooms and five powder rooms if sold separately–Your Mama imagines that Mister Blavatnik's army of nice gay decorators will be doing the place up in whatever fashion Mister and Missus Blavatnik see fit and are willing to pay for.

Mister Blavatnik is well known in real estate circles for his voracious appetite for outrageously priced trophy properties and, of course, Your Mama has discussed his crazy real estate ways previously. In addition to the $50,000,000+ townhouse on East 64th Street, he owns another palatial townhouse on East 63rd Street. He continues to own the big apartment at 998 Fifth Avenue, there's a spread in the Hamptons, and let's not forget his 10 bedroom, 9 bathroom $120,000,000 mega mansion in London that sits right next door to Kensington Palace, where a whole mess of royals shack up.

Children please note that the top four photos above are of the LOBBY and the floor plan is only for the top floor penthouse and roof terrace. If the rumors are true, Mister Blavatnik's triplex will include the two lower floors as well.

Now children, just how many full time gurls do you think it takes to keep all that clean?

Robert C. Wright Flips Out in Manhattan

SELLER: Robert C. Wright
LOCATION: "The Heritage at Trump Place," 240 Riverside Boulevard, New York, NY
PRICE: $14,750,000
SIZE: 4,673 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 4.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: ...this grand Penthouse occupies the entire 31st floor of one of the city's most prestigious white-glove condominiums. This extraordinary 9 room residence offers a private elevator landing to outstanding entertainment rooms of grand proportions, two over sized and elegant terraces, gas fireplace and soaring 11 foot ceilings...[building amenities include] Superb Fitness Center with swimming pool and spa. Garage as well as on-site valet service.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Bob Wright's collar is about as white as white collar gets. The gentleman currently serves as the chairman and CEO of NBC Universal and he has a coveted and lucrative spot on the board of General Electric, where he was once the President of GE Financial Services (GE now owns NBC, of course). Even the most stoopid of the children know what all that means for Mister Wright: Kaching!

According to General Electric's 2007 proxy statement, back in 2006, when he was Vice Chairman of the Board of General Electric, Mister Wright raked in a salary of $2,500,000. Which may not sound like much to the children, but his total compensation package was worth a whopping $17,823,889, including a $6,900,000 bonus. According to another website, at the end of 2006, Mister Wright's GE pension was worth in excess of $60,000,000, which means he won't be worried about the outrageous cost of health care when he's old and infirm.

Mister Wright appears to be using some of his vast income to flip a swankified penthouse in "The Heritage at Trump Place," one of The Donald's Kostas Kondylis designed architectural monstrosities that line the Westside Highway in Midtown Manhattan. Property records reveal that Mister and Missus Wright purchased their 31st floor aerie in March of 2007 for $10,695,000.

It would appear they had a nice gay decorator do the place up (is that a Giacometti sculpture in the living room?), and before the paint is even had time to fully dry, the place is back on the market with a steep price increase at $14,750,000. The Manhattan real estate market continues to sky rocket, even amid the mortgage woes in much of the country, so maybe the mega-rich executive will in fact be able to sell this penthouse on and add another $3,000,000+ to his already fat retirement fund.

The size of the full floor apartment varies depending on the source, but let's just say it's 4,673 square feet, which is the size on file with the city. Your Mama confesses that it's nearly impossible for us to actually like anything in a Trump building (sorry Donald, but your brand of luxury just isn't for us), but we do think the rooms are properly proportioned for a $10,000,000+ apartment, and the generous window size allows the residence to float haughtily above the city and the Hudson River.

The floors are spectacular and the kitchen is acceptable (Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter have the same wine cooler at our beach house!), and the covered loggias are an excellent place for relax unless your acrophobic and/or suicidal.

Property records and the relatively spare and upscale executive blah decor makes Your Mama think this sky high penthouse was intended as a pied a terre for the commuting couple who also own a big house on Sasco Hill Road overlooking the fairways of the Country Club of Fairfield in Fairfield, CT, which many say is the ugly step-child of hoity-toity Westport, CT, but let's not have that ugly debate today.

We can't imagine why the Wrights would buy and sell this penthouse so quickly. Perhaps they found the extremely west side location a little out of the way? Maybe it's just too big? Maybe they're looking to cash in an an seemingly never ending market in Manhattan that just climbs and climbs and climbs to ever dizzying prices.

Star Stylist Rachel Zoe's Stylin' Pad

SELLER: Rachel Zoe and Rodger Berman
LOCATION: Rising Glen Road, West Hollywood, CA
PRICE: $2,995,000
SIZE: 2,545 square feet, 2 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Pristine mid century on coveted upper Rising Glen. Set behind private and secured gates and lush period landscaping. This sexy home has great open spaces, walls of glass, walnut floors and exquisite surfaces throughout. Large master suite with spacious walk in closet, office/convertible den and plunge pool and spa. Glass doors lead to a great indoor/outdoor flow with a covered patio and viewing promontory. A very rare offering to find such quality, taste and style.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Celebrity super stylist Rachel Zoe (rhymes with toe, children) earns upwards of $6,000 per day to dress up all the young, rich, and skinny bitches in Hollywood and send them down the red carpet looking like a too tan battalion of bone bags in $8,000 Balenciaga dresses. Although they HATE each other now, she's the brainiac responsible for transforming Nicole Richie from a chunky child of a has been soul singer into one of the world's most famous and photographed starvelets.

Thanks to a tip from the Easter Bunny, Your Mama has learned that the stick thin and under-nourished looking fashionista and her metro-sexual investment banker huzband Rodger Berman have put their mid-century-ish West Hollywood house on the market. Located way up Rising Glen Road, the couple purchased the relatively modest 2,545 square foot house in December of 2001 for $914,090. But hunnies there ain't anything modest about the $2,995,000 price tag for the 2 bedroom and 3 bathroom crib that does not even have much of a view for a house this high in the hills.

We hear from the Easter Bunny, who visited the house recently, that it's really quite lovely and dramatic with vintage Vogue magazines lying effortlessly around. And we have to agree with the Easter Bunny. Mostly. Although Miz Zoe's pointy and angular body looks terrifically uncomfortable, the house looks surprisingly comfy and cozy. The walnut floors are divine, the walls of glass that open to the outdoors make us giddy, and the low maintenance landscaping will save thousands every year on the landscaping bills.

However, we're surprised not to see a luscious and deep pile Angela Adams rug to protect the floors because Miz Zoe's spike heels must be murder on that floor. We love the covered dining area in the backyard, but we're deeply concerned about that fire pit. We know that fancy fire pits have been all the rage the last few years, but this particular pit looks a wee bit dangerous to us. Your Mama would not want to be sitting on that padded bench when the wind pushes the flame towards the house threatening to singe off our eyebrows.

And given that Miz Zoe's parents are well to do art collectors in New Jersey, we're a little surprised to see the gloriously white walls so painfully bare of good paintings and photos. It's just too bad that Mommy and Daddy didn't loan them a few choice pieces to give the place some necessary gravitas.

Anyhoo, this is clearly a starter house for these ambitious Angelenos who surely require more closet space than a small house like this can possibly offer. Your Mama assumes the couple will be moving on to bigger and better digs in a slightly more swank location.

Kanye West is Flipping Out in Beverly Hills

SELLER: Kanye West
LOCATION: N. Crescent Drive, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $8,699,000
SIZE: 6 bedrooms, 4 bathroom
DESCRIPTION: Truly rare offering in the prestigious flats in Beverly Hills. With park-like grounds, this magnificent property, which is approx. 34,580 square feet, will lend itself to creating the estate of your dreams. Unique opportunity to acquire one of the most outstanding and notable properties in the flats of Beverly Hills. Currently there is a 6 bedroom, 4 bath home on the property considered to be in tear-down condition. Also includes plans to build two-story contemporary by world renowned architect.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Backstage at the MTV Music Video Awards is not the only place that hip hopper Kanye West is flipping out. Oh no children. Thanks to our tipster 5 Eyes, Your Mama has learned that Mister Big Ego is also flipping out in Beverly damn Hills. See babies, property records reveal that in March of 2007, the tirading singer bought a tear down mansion on N. Crescent Drive in the flats of Beverly Hills for $7,150,000.

Now, less than nine months later, the six bedroom and 4 bathroom dump is back on the market with an asking prices of $8,699,000. Do the math puppies. That's a $1,549,000 profit (less the considerable real estate fees).

Now babies, how many times has Your Mama told you that one of the many ways the rich get richer is buying high end houses and selling them off at outrageous profits?

To be fair, the listing does say the sale includes plans for a two story contemporary house by a "world renowned architect." But those plans just can't be worth more than a million clams, can they? So no offense Mister West, but it is Your Mama's humble and meaningless opinion that your piece of shit in Bev Hills has not increased that much in value. None the less, best of luck your your flip.

Source: Pacific Coast News (photos)

UPDATE: Mariska Hargitay

Ever since we discussed Law and Order high priestess Mariska Hargitay selling her Jeffrey Bilhuber designed TriBeCa penthouse (for $5,100,000), we have been inundated with calls and emails from fervent Law and Order fans demanding–yes children dee-man-ding–that Your Mama provide an update on where the new mommy and her huzband Peter have moved.

But Your Mama didn't have a clue until NY Observer real estate gossip Max Abelson announced to the world that the daughter of long dead Hollywood pinup Jayne Mansfield and the muscular Mickey Hargitay plunked down $7,000,000 to purchase one of the penthouses riding atop the recently redeveloped O'Neill Building on Sixth Avenue in the Flatiron district of Manhattan. The building, erected in 1887, housed the city's first major department store and was distinctive for it's 32 foot high gold domes gracing the corners.

Miz Hargitay's penthouse spans 4,819 square feet according to property records, and includes a domed turret accessible by an interior staircase within the restored domes. Additionally, the unit includes a reported 2,500 square feet of outdoor space. So really, it's of no consequence that there aren't any children's playgrounds for blocks around. Miz Hargitay can just put a sand box and a swing set on the roof.

Mister Big Time, We Hear Your Call...

Today in his always entertaining "Which Celebrity House is This?" segment, Mister Big Time asks who bought the old Daisy Fuentes house on Astral Drive in the Hollywood Hills.

Your Mama made one call to our pal and cohort Lucy Spillerguts who tells us the house was indeed purchased by another Pussycat Doll, this time Nicole Scherzinger.

It pays to have the amazing Miz Spillerguts in our corner children, and you should ALL be bowing down and kissin' that behatcha's beautifully pedicured feet.

We don't know shit about the Pussycat Dolls, and to be honest puppies, we don't really want to know anything about that burlesque bunch. So yer gonna have to Google them ladees yerself if you want more information on Miz Scherzinger's private life.

Michael Jackson Is In Some Deep Doo-doo

This has not been a good week for the beleaguered and beat down former pop star Michael Jackson. First he gets all sorts harsh criticism regarding his shockingly pale skin and white lady worthy straight hair on the cover of the newest Ebony magazine–now that's some serious irony for the children to savor–and now it looks like his once beloved "Neverland Ranch" is headed for foreclosure.

Lawhd children, this man has not done himself any favors about the rumors of him lightening his damn skin coming out with a magazine cover looking whiter than a Swedish woman. Honestly Michael, what is wrong witchu?

Anyhoo, Your Mama awoke this morning to a couple of emails from Mister Smiley, one of our more intrepid and gleeful researchers, about poor Michael Jackson's "Neverland Ranch" entering the ugly world of foreclosures. Uh oh. We told the children this might be happening just last week, didn't we?

According to the Mortgage Lender Implode website and the recently released Foreclosure Disclosure Report for Santa Barbara County, Michael Jackson is in default on a $23,000,000 loan backed by "Neverland Ranch," his former home and private playground located in the itty bitty town of Los Olivos, CA at 5225 Figueroa Mountain Road.

According to the report, also in default is the $212,963 in interest due on the loan. More uh oh.

Does this mean that some developer will shortly be swooping in and slicing and dicing "Neverland Ranch" into smaller gentleman's ranches? Will one of The White Lady's few remaining benefactors bail out the former King of Pop? Will MJ be forced to sell his large but heavily mortgaged stake in Sony/ATV, which includes the lucrative publishing rights to 250+ Beatles songs? What will Michael's crazy talking spokesperson Raymone Bain have to say about this mess? Poor, poor Michael Jackson.

Gurl, you oughtta set down that Jesus juice and listen to Your Mama. Before any of your people convince you that all is well with your bank accounts, you get on the horn and call a good psychiatrist to help you work through your deep and many issues. If you need a referral, you just let Your Mama know and we'll get the Dr. Cooter on the case. Seriously gurl, it's time to get it together or you're going to end up some kinda lunatic recluse in some gawd forsaken town where they'd sooner slice your nipples off than lend you two bucks for a damn Slurpee.

And the answer is "no," so don't even think about asking again if you can move in with Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter. No, no, no!

UPDATE: Hillary Swank

Back in the summer Your Mama told the children about the big house on Paseo Miramar in Pacific Palisades that 2-time Oscar winning actress Hillary Swank purchased in March of 2007 for $5,800,000. If y'all reach into the dark recesses of your mushy minds, you'll recall that Swank bought the Pac Pal house in the aftermath of her murky dee-vorce from actor Chad Lowe and after the erstwhile New York City based couple sold their swank and lovely $7,500,000 Charles Street townhouse in the West Village.

Today Your Mama reads in NY Magazine's Movers column–a column that was kind enough to reference Your Mama this week, thank you very much–that the hard-bodied actress is on the hunt for some new New York City digs. In fact, according the article, she may have already signed on the dotted line for a two bedroom unit in the yet to be built "Superior Ink" building (pictured above) on Bethune Street in the far West Village. This is just a few short blocks from the trio of Richard Meier glass towers were Alexis Stewart (daughter of Martha) will soon be moving into a tremendous triplex she (and big bag Martha?) recently bought for a reported $35,000,000.

The Robert Stern designed building (he-man of 15 Central Park West) is scheduled to include 69 units plus a row of seven newly built single family townhouses. We're sure Mister Stern will do an elegant and sophisticated job, but honestly children, Your Mama is damn tarhd of all the fancy and freakishly expensive far West Village developments. We're just done with them. D.U.N. Don't any of the super rich and supposedly hip Manhattanites want to live anywhere else?

Anyhoo, Hillarykins, whether you land at the Superior Ink or some other superior loft building in downtown Manhattan, Your Mama would like to personally welcome you back to the Big Apple. We've got us some new party pants and a nice collection of Votivo room mists all wrapped up and ready for your housewarming party. Call us gurl.

Sources: Triple Mint (photos),

Cinematographer Lance Acord's Picture Perfect Pad

SELLER: Lance Acord
LOCATION: Allview Terrace, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: 2,325,000
SIZE: 3 bedrooms 3.75 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Totally private and completely surprising; stunning architectural compound with pool. 1940's Moderne reworked by architect Finn Kappe, magnificently landscaped by Griffith/Caletta. Beautifully flowing liv.,dining and kit. areas, office, 3 baths, top floor master suite with terrace and breathtaking Beachwood Canyon views to the Hollywood sign. Kappe created a glass, concrete and slate guest/pool house w/bath, indoor and outdoor fireplaces. A light filled paradise for architectural devotees.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Hunnies, Your Mama realizes that ya'll may not recognize the name Lance Acord, but we're quite sure you've seen television commercials, music videos and interesting films on which he was the director of photography or cinematographer. No only has handsome Mister Acord worked on music videos for folks like REM, Fatboy Slim and Björk, he's the cinematographer of choice for arty farty filmmakers Spike Jonz and Sofia Coppola having been camera king on the films Being John Malkovich, Adaptation, Lost in Translation and Marie Antoinette. Mister Acord was also the cinematographer for Vincent Gallo's Buffalo '66 and Peter Care's The Dangerous Lives of Alter Boys. So that should tell you a little something about Mister Acord's Hollywood frame of reference.

The Acord family purchased their Beachwood Canyon house back in 1997 just as the real estate market was getting ready to explode all across Los Angeles. Sit down and hold on to your hats children, because Your Mama will blow your freaking mind when we tell you that Mister Acord paid only $575,000 for this sensational property. Clearly he and the wifey have put much time, effort and money into the place, but every now and then it's fun to remember the days when an amazing house could be bought in a good part of Los Angeles for well under a million clams.

According to the listing, the 1940s Moderne structure was re-worked by top flight architect Finn Kappe, who also added the secluded and streamlined guest house. All the children know how much Your Mama likes a guest house, and the Acord's accommodation for visitors is one of the more attractive we've come across. No place could be better than this gorgeous and detached building for Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter to stash Sister Woman's loud, and we mean very loud, pair of female offspring.

Having always been a fan of fortress-style front facades, Your Mama is giddy over the street elevation of this house which belies nothing of the light and open space behind the forbidding front wall. One need only open the nearly disguised front door–another fascinating and desirable feature for thwarting all the Jehovah's Witness and Mormans who come a-knockin'–to the wall of glass overlooking the swimming pool below and the Hollywood sign in the distance to know that a sensitive and provocative hand was used to design the structure.

The main level of the residence is one flight down from the entrance and from the looks of things, the primary living spaces are nice collection of rooms open to each other and integrated with and connected to to the outdoors through generous amounts of floor to ceiling glazing.

While we are mad, MAD we tell you, for the private back yard swimming pool areas, what Your Mama most appreciates about this house is the cozy interior decor. Yes, there is perhaps too much mid-century modern furniture for every one's taste, but it well complements the space and is not placed in such a way to indicate it's precious or museum quality...although it very well may be in some cases. The furniture all happily says lay back in this Saarinan Womb chair and set yer butt down on those vintage Mies van der Rohe Barcelona chairs. The rooms appear to be well lived in as opposed to offering up that forced and over-processed hotel suite vibe so common in the professionally decorated homes of the rich and/or famous. Given Mister and Missus Acord's artistic sensibilities, we are not surprised to find stocks of beautiful books all through the house, but it still warms the cockles of Your Mama's cold heart to know that there are still people who appreciate books as much as we do.

We gush. Do we even need to tell the children that we L.O.V.E. this house and we'd sell our soul to the devil to park our big BMW out front every day?

According to property records, the Acord family also has a weekend retreat in the Point Dume area of Malee-boo. Located on Fernhill Drive, the Acords again made a savvy and enviable purchase back in 2001 when they paid just $1,270,000 for their 3 bedroom and 2 bathroom house. This was back when NO ONE wanted to be on Point Dume because it was considered too far up the Pacific Coast Highway. Nowadays, the rich and famous are spending small fortunes for homes in the Point Dume area. The 1,624 square foot house sits just around the corner from Miz Julia Roberts' new cliff side fantasy compound of green built structures. Other Point Dume celebs include Nick Nolte (north of the PCH on Bonasll Drive), Martin Sheen (on Dume Drive), Barbra Streisand (on Zumirez Drive), and Matthew McConnaughey reportedly just plunked down around $10,000,000 for a property on Wildlife Road.

Your Mama hasn't a clue where the Acord family will be moving next, but wherever they go, we are quite certain the house and property will be stunning, smart, inviting and gorgeous. And we know deep in our expanding gut that we're gonna want to live there too.

Mister Matthew McConaughey Moves in Malibu

BUYER: Matthew McConaughey
LOCATION: Wildlife Road, Malibu, CA
PRICE: reportedly around $10,000,000
SIZE: 3,550 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: We can't fathom what kind of internet search hocus pocus Mister Big Time used to suss out exactly which Malee-boo manse Matthew McConaughey purchased based on the slim information provided by Miz Ruth Ryon in her recent Hot Properties column. But he never ceases to amaze Your Mama with his abilities.

According to our well informed source, the perpetually shirtless stud, McConnaughey not Bit Time, did indeed purchase a property a few doors up from the Wildlife Road compound that was recently sold for a reported $38,000,000 by the widow of Johnny Carson. It's also just a few hundred yards as the crow flies from Malibu's high priestess Barbra Streisand's cliff side compound. Now children, just try to imagine that backyard bbq with Matthew doing some embarrassing hippy dance and Babs sucking on pork ribs whil James Brolin holds her unnaturally blond hair outta the sauce. Oh lawhdy, to be an ant on that picnic blanket.

While Mister McConaughey's new and relatively modest Point Dume digs do not front the ocean, he can use his firm and well developed leg muscles to climb down into the hillside at the back of his property and hike through the canyon to the surf, surfboard strapped to his muscular and sweating back.

No word on where he'll be parking his small fleet of Airstream trailers, but Your Mama imagines that his Brazilian model lady friend Camilla Alves is thrilled to be going home to an actual house rather than a trailer or a suped up trailer.

Will Farrell Moves Into Ellen's House

BUYER: Will Ferrell
SELLER: Ellen Degeneres
LOCATION: Woodstock Road, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $9,900,000 (list)
SIZE: 4,769 square feet, 4 bedrooms 4.5 bathrooms (total)
DESCRIPTION: Sensational private gated compound w/ idyllic country fell minutes from the strip. 3 parcels with about 103,986 sq. ft. (over 2.25 acres). Gorgeous stylish main house w/ lge public rooms, exceptional master suite, 2nd bed suite & media room. Poolhse has 2 good rooms & bath + another hse, separate lot used as the ultimate recreation structure. Vast botanical gardens, huge rolling lawns + state-of-the-art surveillance security.

PLEASE NOTE: Your Mama is inundated with chatter box kinfolk and we're having a tough time finding 20 minutes to string together to clear our mind and write something coherent, let alone cough up something clever. So give Your Mama a break today children, because we're at the end of our ever lovin' rope and we're about to let go.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: The other day Your Mama was yakking with our very funny and charming cohort and researcher Lucy Spillerguts. In the course of our frenzied conversation, Ellen Degeneres' one time 3-property compound up on Woodstock Road and Woodrow Willson Drive in the Hollywood Hills came up. In the shallow world of celebrity real estate, it's nearly impossible not to always be talking about the constantly on the move talk show queen and her lovely ladee lover Portia Di Rossi. Lawhdy children, it's practically a full time damn job for Your Mama to keep track of these always packing and unpacking laydees. It's a damn miracle those two know which direction to point their auto-mo-beel after a long night at Girl Bar.

Everyone knows that Miz Degeneres sold "The Treehouse," one of her not particularly child friendly properties on Woodrow Wilson Drive, to Brokeback Mountain hottie Health Ledger and his new mommy wifey Michelle Williams. We don't mean to be cold hearted, but now that that good looking couple is headed for the dee-vorce court, Your Mama wonders if their West Coast crib will be hitting the market soon.

The other Woodrow Wilson Drive property was recently sold to young and big chested soap stud Adrian Bellani, a sale which Your Mama mentioned in another of our many, many discussions about property owned or once owned by Miz D.

But Your Mama long wondered who bought the gorgeous low slung house on Woodstock Road, where Miz Ellen actually lived with her previous ladee friend, photographer Alexandra Hedison. (This was after the "now she is now she isn't a lezbeeun" Anne Heche debacle.)

Well don't you know that Lucy Spillerguts, a virtual encyclopedia of celebrity real estate deals, was able to tell Your Mama that the Woodstock Road residence was purchased in March of 2006 by comedy sensation Will Ferrell. Now babies, we like Will Ferrell. He's funny in a dumb ass sort of way, and we can do dumb ass sometimes. But someone needs to tell that man to stop running around in his cheap underwear. One day he's going to show up on a talk show in his skid marked underpants and it's just not going to be very funny.

Anyhoo, Your Mama does not know what Mister Ferrell payed for Ellen's house of high design on Woodstock Road, but the place was listed at $9,900,000. So you know whatever huge amount he paid, it was more than most of you will see in two or three lifetimes. The property consists of a sprawling 1940s house on three lots totaling nearly 2.25 acres. In addition to the simply shaped swimming pool and pool house, there is also a "recreation house" which includes a large screened porch area and a larger enclosed area with a pool table. The lesbians just love to play pool don't they? Also on the secluded and serene property is a small screened shack for getting away from it all...well, away from everything but phone lines. Note the multi-line telephone which is useful for calling the house gurl to bring you some green tea.

According to property records, Miz D. purchased this multi parcel property in March of 2003 for an undisclosed sum of money. Interestingly, she bought the house from Will and Grace co-creator Max Mutchnick, who happens to be the very same gentleman from whom she and the lovely Portia bought their most recent residence, a huge renovated house in Beverly Hills which Your Mama hears they bought for between $26-$30,000,000. We also hear they didn't use any real estate brokers on the deal. )Gasps heard all around the Platinum Triangle.) We can't yet confirm the purchase price or the lack of brokers, but, it is what we hear from one of our many very well connected sources.

Previous to Miz Degeneres and Mister Mutchnick, the Woodstock Road house was owned by Emmy winning screenwriter Jerry Belson (Tracey Takes On..., Love American Style, The Dick Van Dyke Show), so the house has a long history of Hollywood movers and shakers living up between its well renovated walls.

Your Mama has discussed so many properties owned or sold by Miz D. that we simply can't be bothered to pick apart this particular property. Suffice to say we L.O.V.E. this house and would sell our cuzzin's Bible beating brats for that dressing room.

Now we got to git so that we can entertain the familial troops. Be nice to the old people.

UPDATE: Avril "The Spitter" Lavigne

SELLER: Avril Lavigne
LOCATION: Clerendon Road, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $6,200,000
SIZE: 6,864 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 6 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Celebrity owned Italian Villa in the prestigious guard gated community of Mulholland Estates. Soaring 2 story foyer open to generously scaled rms. This luxurious home features French doors, hardwood floors, expansive ceilings & a gourmet kitchen w2/ every conceivable amenity. All bedrooms en suite, pool, spa, private north/south tennis court, BBQ, numerous gardens & yard.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Oh lawhd children, it's back like a nasty STD you cain't get rid of. Your Mama thought this I-talian villa had done been sold off, but alas, Canadian faux punk pop princess Avril "The Spitter" Lavigne has recently put her Mulholland Estates house back on the market for $6,200,000.

According to property records, Miz Lavigne bought this house in July of 2004 for an undisclosed sum of money from Pamela Bowen, the former wife of Paul Stanley of the rock band Kiss. (As an aside, Miz Bowen has her current Bel Air residence on the market for $6,950,000)

Poor, poor Miz Lavigne. She gets so much bad press about her rebellious teenage 'tude and she can't seem to unload her former Beverly Hills bachelorette pad.

And then of course there was all that brouhaha about whether Av and her baby rock star huzband Deryck Whibley did or did not buy the former Bel Air home of Travis Barker and Shanna Moakler. They did, but then tried to play the press by pretending they had not, which Your Mama thinks was just a failed and silly attempt at being clever.

Avril doll, we're annoyed by your juvenile behavior (such as gleefully spitting on photographers) as much as the next gossip, but you should let Your Mama know if you need to speak to the Dr. Cooter about getting you some pills to help you manage all the real estate drama.

Does Your Mama even need to tell the children that the Mulholland Estates neighborhood is the very same guard gated community where heiress Paris Hilton just bought a new house? Also in the 'hood is Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys, Vanna White, and Charlie Sheen just to name a couple of the resident Hollywood glitterati in Mulholland Estates.

UPDATE: Dan Aykroyd

SELLER: Dan Aykroyd and Donna Dixon
LOCATION: Woodrow Wilson Drive, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $4,200,000
SIZE: 4,828 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 5.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Legendary Hollywood Hills estate. Once home of Ringo Starr, Mama Cass & many others, this New England style home is over 1 acre of lush, isolated, amazing grounds, set back on a hidden lane off Woodrow Wilson. Gated, private, lge motor court. Wonderful well-sized public rooms w/ French doors. Extensive master w/ attached office & weight room/gym. Gorgeous country style kitchen, 6 FPs. Indoor/outdoor feel, large heated swimming pool.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Well, well, well, it looks like former Ghostbuster Dan Aykroyd will soon be packing up his massive and famous library on all things paranormal. Back in mid-September Your Mama told the children about Dan Aykroyd and Donna Dixon's Hollywood Hills house when it was available to lease at $35,000 per month, dizzying floral kitchen wallpaper included. Now, the "New England style" house has hit the market for sale with an asking price of $4,200,000.

Ya'll might recall that the house has quite a celebrity history having once been owned by both Ringo Starr and Cass Eliot, better known as Mama Cass. According to Mister Aykroyd, the house is also home to ghosts, perhaps even with the spirit of big Mama Cass herself.

Your Mama does not have a clue where Mister Aykroyd and his famous family are moving children, so don't even ask. Our research uncovered that they own several other houses including a place in New York, reportedly a place in Canada, and another big house in Hollywood that he co-owns with Peter Aykroyd, his psychic researcher brother.

So worry not puppies, the Aykroyds have plenty of options.

P.S.

Our pal Mister Big Time was also trying to suss out what rich and or famous person purchased a house in Studio City on Ashdale Lane...That would be the soon to be ex-wifey of Tony Danza. According to our Fairy Godmother in Studio City, soon to be ex-Mrs. Danza paid $2,600,000 for the 4,978 square foot house in the Fryman Estates neighborhood.

We got to git because Your Mama has some of our kin folk in town. Bye now.

Katherine Heigl Does Los Feliz

BUYER: Katherine Heigl
LOCATION: N. Berendo Street, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $2,550,000 (sale)
SIZE: 3,690 square feet, 4 bedrooms 3.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Magazine quality updated Southern Colonial, reminiscent of Architectural Digest. High ceilings, dark wood floors & large crown molding + inviting verandas. Large living room w/ fireplace + formal dining room, both surrounded by lush gardens. Cozy den w/ built in entertainment center & French doors to read veranda. Ground gourmet kitchen w/. industrial appliances + breakfast area. French doors to private well planted grassy yard w/ "splash" pool & spa. Great floor plan for entertaining. Gated drive + 2 car garage.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: This morning Your Mama answers the call from Mister Big Time about which celebrity purchased this house on N. Berendo Street in the Los Feliz area of Los Angeles. Your Mama got on the horn and burned up the phone wires with our coterie of contacts and we've determined that the buyer is another of the Grey's Anatomy crew, this time statuesque blond Katherine Heigl.

Miz Heigl purchased the house very recently when she paid $2,550,000 in September 2007 for this 3,690 square foot house with 4 bedrooms and 3.5 bathroom. Built in 1922, the Southern Colonial style house will provide Miz Heigl a decently sized traditional layout and easy access to her gay boyfriend T.R. Knight, who also recently purchased a Los Feliz hideout.

Obviously the photos above do not reflect the furniture and taste of Miz Heigl (or do they?), and we haven't any idea what her team of gay decorators is going to do with the place. But Ywe sincerely hope Miz Heigl will consider removing that horrible pot rack in the kitchen or Your Mama will worry ourself into an ulcer that the tall beauty will bruise her head on those pots and pans. Or worse yet, knock herself out with pasta boiling over on the stove an no beau-hunk in the house to rush her the smelling salts.

Your Mama loves the little second floor terrace for those early morning tanning sessions, and we even like that itty bitty plunge pool. Because let's face it, Your Mama is never going to swim laps in any pool, so anything bigger than this is just wasted water.

We hear that Miz Heigl has not moved in yet, so don't any of you fools think you can head on over to Los Feliz and catch Miz Heigl mowing the lawn in a bikini and a pair of Jimmy Choos. Besides, we can all be assured that now that Miz Heigl is a big television star, she does not mow her own lawn. Happy house to Miz Heigl. And hunny please, be sure to take that nasty pot rack down and spare Your Mama the worry.

UPDATE: Shaq's Shack

According to one of Your Mama's favorite Miami blogs, professional basketball player Shaquille O'Neal's Star Island estate, complete with indoor basketball court, natch, has gone into contract.

The super tall Shaq purchased the estate in 2004 for $18,800,000 and almost immediately put it back on the market for $32,000,000. Then the fickle dribbler pulled it off the market, and then put it back on the market for $35,000,000. Remember when Your Mama talked about all that nonsense back in January?

The big question is who bought the 19,940 square foot Italianate pile? South Beach scuttlebutt says it might be the absurdly paid and exceedingly rich baseball player Alex Rodriquez (A-Rod).

UPDATE: Vera Wang

Earlier this week Mister Max Abelson over at the NY Observer reported that uber rich wedding dress designer and budding lifestyle guru Vera Wang purchased her recently deceased father's massive duplex at the absurdly expensive and dee-luxe 740 Park Avenue for $23,100,000. Twenty three mee-lee-on clams people.

One might wonder why Miz Wang would have to purchase an apartment that she inherited upon her father's death. Well, the simple answer is that Miz Wang has a sibling who also inherited the apartment and if Miz Wang desired to move her own family into the palatial duplex, and she clearly did, then she had to buy her brother out for his share of the value of the apartment.

Does that mean the 10th and 11th floor monster duplex would have been priced at $46,200,000 on the open market? Good grief. Your Mama located a floor plan from the same apartment line of Miz Wang's new 740 Park duplex, but children, please understand that the layout shown here is not necessarily the exact same layout as Miz Wang's new digs which were likely tweaked and altered over the years by her parents. But the floor plan should give you an idea of the general size and scale of the very large and very grand apartment.

Lest anyone worry about Miz Wang stretching herself financially to buy daddy's apartment, keep in mind that Miz Wang's previous Park Avenue apartment recently went to contract just weeks after it screamed into the marketplace with an asking price of $35,000,000. So her 740 Park purchase is really quite a bargain for a lady with Miz Wang's vast real estate riches.

Miz Wang's former building at 778 Park Avenue is littered with quietly well to do individuals. But Nothing compares to the list of ridiculously rich neighbors at her new digs which include filthy rich Time Warner widow Courtney Sale Ross, Greek shipping tycoon Spyros Niarchos, money maven Steven Schwarzman, make-up mogul Ron Lauder, Hotel magnate Kent Swig, and hedge fun honcho David Ganek just to name a few.

Death of a Saleswoman

Jeezis, Mary and Joseph.

As many of you may have heard or already read, one of New York's finest celebrity real estate agents was found bludgeoned to death in her Fifth Avenue aerie. Once upon a time Linda Stein managed the proto-punk band The Ramones. Later she became a real estate agent who helped rich and famous luminaries like Steven Spielberg, Angelina Jolie, Madonna, and Calvin Klein find palatial pads in New York City.

Miz Stein was a larger than life presence who could swear like a sailor and counted Sylvester Stallone and Elton John as pals and clients not to mention Demi Moore and Bruce Willis and Andrew Lloyd Weber. Miz Stein, an agent with the Prudential Douglas Elliman juggernaut was the lucky lady who listed artist Peter Beard's $26,000,000 cottage compound in Montauk that Your Mama discussed back in August.

Children, it's very rare for a person to be murdered in their own home on Fifth Avenue. The buildings along that rarefied corridor crawl with doormen, elevator operators, and often the buildings are fitted with a closed circuit television camera security system. Whomever it was that had an axe to grind (or a blunt object to clobber with) is likely to be discovered, revealed and prosecuted to fullest extent of the law.

Your Mama offers our sincere condolences to Miz Stein's family and friends.