Jennifer Nicholson's Historical House of Mirth

SELLER: Jennifer Nicholson
LOCATION: Georgina Avenue, Santa Monica, CA
PRICE: $7,995,000
SIZE: 3,437 square feet, 4 bedrooms 3.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Totally renovated gorgeous 1911 home on amazing apx 20,600 sq. ft. lot. Prime Georgina Ave. blocks from from the beach. 4BD, 3.5BA w/ plans & permits passed by the city & historical committee. Featured in House & Garden. Updated kit w/ tope of the line appliances, breakfast room & entertaining bar. 2BD up w/ sleeping porch, 2BD down. Exquisite LR, fam rm & ofc/sun room. Formal DR w/ French doors opens to extra-lg lush bkyd. 20car garage & artists studio. Completely remodeled designer home w/ Old World charm.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Jennifer Nicholson is a fashun dee-ziner who has enough capital and cajones to present her sorta sexy collections on an army of skinny bitches at the once mighty, now not quite so mighty, Bryant Park Tents in New York City. She also happens to be the eldest daughter of age-ed Hollywood Lothario Jack Nicholson who recently dropped her historical and well placed Santa Monica house on the market for an eye popping $7,995,000.

Property records reveal that Miz Nicholson purchased her symmetrical and soigne French Colonial style Santa Monica residence in July of 2003, right about the same time she sold a small ocean view house on Via De Las Olas in Pacific Palisades. Records to not disclose what Miz Nicholson paid for the Santa Monica property, but given its stellar location just spitting distance to the beach and walking distance to the 3rd Street Promenade and the charming and freaky amusement park on the Santa Monica Pier, Your Mama imagines that she paid handsomely for the 3,437 square foot landmark residence which historical information indicates was first located around the corner on San Vicente Boulevard before it was moved to its current location in 1952.

According to listing information, the good sized slightly shy of a half acre lot includes the lovely and charming main house, that in addition to the 4 bedrooms and 3.5 bathrooms, includes formal living and dining rooms, an office/sun room, a top of the line kitchen with breakfast area and entertaining bar (whatever that is), and a family room. One of the more interesting and desirable features of the house, at least as far as Your Mama is concerned, is the upstairs sleeping porch which we imagine to be an excellent place to catch some afternoon shut eye with the smell of salt in your nose and the sea air on your skin. Completing the property is a detached two-car garage with an artists studio.

Clearly Miz Nicholson has a real flair for decorating. We're quite certain her verve and zest for ornamentation and exuberant texture is not every one's cup of tea. But we love it. We could never live among Miz Nicholson's organized chaos without having to be on a daily dosage of Diazepam, but we adore a house that has been infused with so much vibrant and individual character. This is not just any person's house, this is a custom made confection tailored to the current owner's interests, whits and whims. Brava Miss Thing!

Of course, Your Mama would go out of our ever loving mind trying to direct even Ezmerelda and Svetlana, our ferociously competent house cleaners, to properly dust that funky birdcage chandelier-thing in the dining room. And we are concerned that our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly would live in absolute fear of those leopard print Lewees, constantly worried they were tomcats on the prowl ready to devour their hot dog bodies at any moment.

But Your Mama is crazy in love with Miz Nicholson's happily insane sun room with the shell backed chair and the magnificent shell encrusted pedestals that look like something dredged up from the bottom of the damn sea. The kitchen cabinetry is a mite fussy for our favor, but the mirror patterned marble floor (is that marble?) has Your Mama peeing our pants with glee. Say what you will about Miz Nicholson's slightly disturbing Mao Tse Tung painting with the hot pink background or that wonderfully fucked up ship chandelier, but do not speak an ill word about that dee-voon kitchen floor or Your Mama will go all sorts of berserk on your tasteless ass.

A little research on the internets tells Your Mama that not long after purchasing the property Miz Nicholson drew up plans for a large extension at the back of the house. Because of the house's historical status, all sorts of preservationist hoops were required to be jumped through to gain approval for any sort of renovation project. It would appear from both the listing information and records we dug up online that Miz Nicholson and her team of people cleared all the necessary hoops and the long extension was approved and permits were issued.

The extension asked for would have included tearing down the existing detached garage and building an new one and then connecting the new garage with the residence via a long extension from the back of the house. Apparently the new square footage would have included a large(r) sun room. Presumably it would have housed rooms with other uses too, but Your Mama didn't end up get that bit of information sussed out.

Your Mama can't imagine why Miz Nicholson would go through all the damn trouble and considerable bother to get plans and permits for this rather extensive extension and then decide to sell the house. But people are funny and unpredictable, and who are we to question the fickle ways of a princess to one of Hollywood's most royal thrones? We imagine one of Your Mama's children knows the why, where, and who, and if you'd like to share, please email Your Mama and start sharing.

According to a snitch who like to whisper in Your Mama's ear, Miz Nicholson also maintains an ocean front condominium in Malibu, and we presume the lady has access to at least one of the four houses her father owns up on Mulholland Drive near Coldwater Canyon Lane, including big, fat and dead Marlon Brando's residence (all due respect) and scene of the murder that ripped the Brando family to shreds.

Wherever Miz Nicholson lands, whether it be on the east or west coast, we dearly hope she'll invite Your Mama over to view her new digs, because we know in our bones it's going to be a clever and captivating home that will have us swooning and sighing.

A Little Cup of Fun

One of Your Mama's little buddies, a fine gentleman in lower Manhattan whom we'll call Mister Glass, sent us a link this morning to a genius post on the insanely sassy and New York centric blog Gawker. The high-larious post about high brow real estate brokerage Brown Harris Stevens (with luxe outposts in New York, the Hamptons, and Palm Beach, natch), reveals how the brokerage employs a coterie of well bred and well married agents to pull in the big bizness of the rich and filthy rich in some of the swankiest zip codes on the east coast. Here's a sample of one agent's bio:

Arabella Green Buckworth: "Arabella loves travel, literature, languages, art, classical music, and chess. She is married to an Australian philanthropist, and is step-mother to four handsome English gentlemen."

That's really her bio children. Really! Chess! That's just gorgeous.

Have fun.

Britney Gurl, You Oughtta Just Sit Tight

Lately there has been some stirring and disturbing tidbits about perpetually problematic pop star Britney Spears looking for a new damn house. In Manhattan Beach. Manhattan Beach!

Gurl, Your Mama does not know why you've got ants in your pants about where you want to be bunking down at night, but we do know your indecisive nature is a problem when it comes to those kids of yours. Between your Bev Hills house, your expensive lease job in Malee-boo and all the various and many hotels you book and don't sleep in, Your Mama thinks you would be all happily housed up. But alas...

Word of caution hunny gurl, you might want to consider looking elsewhere because from the sound of things those Manhattan Beach folks are not going to be rolling out the welcome wagon for you, your suspicious sounding entourage, or your fleet of Mercedes Benz's with all those paparazzi photogs attached to the bumper.

Seriously gurl, if you won't listen to your mama, than maybe you should listen to Your Mama and pick a damn house and stay there for a bit of time. You might find it does you some good to have an actual home rather than just a multi-million dollar crash pad. Think about it.

Tony Danza's Golden Extravaganza

SELLER: Tony Danza
LOCATION: Longridge Avenue, Sherman Oaks, CA
PRICE: $6,150,000
SIZE: 6,778 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 5.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Truly the Crown Jewel of Sherman Oaks! Stately Cape Cod traditional perched on a knoll & sited on 2.3 acres in sought after Longridge Estates. Completely rebuilt from the ground up in1997. Impeccable attention to detail, far too many amenities to list here. Very private, gated property includes guest house, pool/spa, pool house gym. Tennis court & batting cage. Perfect for the most discriminating of buyers seeking privacy.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Recently we received word from Scuttlebutt Sam, a San Fernando Valley denizen who pointed Your Mama at a Sherman Oaks listing the belongs to Mister Tony Danza. Remember him kids?

Just because we don't care for his right leaning politics, does not mean we would wish lunky and hunky Republican actor Tony Danza's house be knocked over in an earthquake. Which is exactly what happened in 1994 during the devastating Northridge Earthquake. Well, Your Mama doesn't know if the place actually fell over, but multiple sources report that the Sherman Oaks house he bought from actor Robert Urich in September 1986 for $1,556,180 was indeed destroyed. What a damn drag that must have been.

According to listing information, the house was rebuilt from the ground up in 1997, which we imagine was necessitated by the severe earthquake damage. An article from the late 1990s reported that he claims to have rebuilt the house to ve virtually earthquake proof and he was quoted saying, "In an earthquake, I shouldn't run out of the house–I should run into it." Your Mama does not know where Mister Danza and his family lived from 1994 to 1997, but perhaps it was up with gun toting Republican Charleton Heston in his colossal contemporary crib off of Mulholland Drive. Now babies, we don't have any proof of that Mister Danza and scary Mister Heston know each other at all, so don't go spouting any of that shit off to yer friends.

Mister Tony Danza, who became famous, and probably rich, playing a series of dumb guys named Tony in the 1970s and 80s (Taxi, Who's The Boss?), has recently become a thespian with his recent run on Broadway as Max Bialystock in The Producers. A wee bit of research on the internets tells us that he's continuing that role at Paris Las Vegas, which Your Mama presumes is one of those disturbing and flashy fantasyland casino hotels in Las Vegas where thousands upon millions of numb skulls smile and laugh and open their wallets and bank accounts for all the fat-cat casino owners to reach in and steal their hard earned middle class income that would be better off spent taking their children to museums. But that's a gripe for another day and another blog.

Anyhoo, Mister Danza has recently put his big and rebuilt Sherman Oaks estate on the market for a surprisingly high $6,150,000. According to listing information and property records, the 6,778 square foot "Cape Cod" style residence sits on a private 2.3 acre parcel in desirable Longridge Estates. Your Mama does not care how desirable Longridge Estates is, $6,150,000 for a house in Sherman Oaks seems ludicrous. All you San Fernando Valleyites simmer down. Your Mama is not knocking Sherman Oaks. We know that the quintessential suburban city is full of famous and well to do people living in lovely and expensive homes. But it ain't no Beverly Hills. Food for thought, the next most expensive Sherman Oaks house listed on the MLS is just four doors down from the Danza extravaganza, and it's priced at $3,750,000.

Listing information shows the family friendly property includes a gym in the pool house (the better to help middle aged Mister Danza keep his chest bulging and young looking), a guest house (always a nice feature for stashing the inlaws), swimming pool and spa (note the old school slide and diving board which must have survived the quake), tennis court, and a batting cage. Batting cage? How macho.

Inside the "Cape Cod" style house, which looks suspiciously un-Cape Cod like to Your Mama, we find a house bathed in gold fabric. We see gold sofas in the formal living room, a whole army of gold chairs standing around the dining room table, beige-y/gold colored furniture in the family room for watching Taxi reruns, honey gold colored butcher block counter tops in the kitchen. Gold, gold, gold! We did not manage to locate any photos of the master bedroom, but Your Mama would bet one of our long bodied bitches Linda or Beverly that there's a gold sateen duvet on the bed and dee-luxe gold terry cloth towels in the bathroom.

Despite the overdone gold color scheme, the 5 bedroom and 5.5 bathroom mansion still manages to look like a cozy family style home...like a place where people actually live. Not a place Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter would want to live, but a place that real people actually live. So while the sad little wet bar in the family room makes Your Mama depressed and we have an unpleasant and inexplicable desire to know what that gold fabric on the dining room chairs feels like on our nekkid and prodigious booty, we give the Danza clan props for living in a house that does not look like an obscene decorator show house or a completely generic hotel room at a second tier Four Seasons Hotel.

However, one note about the backyard fencing, railing and chain link. All those ticky tacky barriers gives the place a white collar jail vibe, which isn't so good for getting well over 5,000,000 clams out of a super rich Sherman Oaks buyer. Surely a well paid landscape designer could come up with a better solution.

Your Mama wishes the Danza clan all the luck in the world unloading their rebuilt Sherman Oaks dream house. We think you're going to need it at it current asking price.

UPDATE: Well, it does appear that the Danza's have split. While we can find no indication that the soon to be ex-Mrs. Danza bought a house in Fryman Estates as was noted in the comments section, that does not mean she didn't, just that we cain't find it with our weary eyes and tarhd mind. However, property records do reveal that the erstwhile couple do own a 1,349 square foot 2 bedroom and 2 bathroom ocean front house on Malibu Road in, well, in Malee-boo of course.

Ring Around Parker Posey's Place

SELLER: Parker Posey
LOCATION: East 10th Street, New York, NY
PRICE: $1,175,000 / maintenance $1,344 per month
SIZE: 3.0 room, 1 bedroom, 1 bathroom
DESCRIPTION: Quiet and serene, this loft-like home occupies the entire top floor of a Greek Revival / Italianate landmark townhouse built in 1845...soaring ceilings, wide plank floors, exposed brick, a 15' skylight, a 6' high wall of multi-paned artist studio windows, a new kitchen and bath (with a claw foot tub), excellent closet and storage space and a washer/dryer. There is also a working, carved marble fireplace and the exclusive use of the roof. Pets welcome.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Ever since Mister Max Abelson, boy wonder of the New York celebrity real estate gossips over at the NY Observer, wrote about indie film goddess Parker Posey selling off her long time East Village apartment, Your Mama has been inundated with emails and phone calls asking us for more information.

Well, we could hardly provide more information about Miz Posey or her very chic and arty little East Village flat that wasn't already covered by Mister Abelson, so we'll simply add our own little bit of nothing to the conversation about the actresses' top floor artist's aerie.

Located in a pretty row of Victorian townhouses, the nicely maintained but fairly non-descript celebrity friendly building sits East 10th Street at the western edge of the East Village. For those who don't know the East Village, the location is particularly prime as it's very close to the subway and the East Village dining institution Veselka is a two minute walk away. The excellent independent book store St. Mark's Bookshop is just around the corner and the impossibly cool St. Marks Church in-the-Bowery is just down the block where one can watch out of this world and non-mainstream poetry and dance, if you like that sort of thing.

Miz Posey's floor through 1 bedroom rides atop the same building that houses a couple other famous folks with downtown street credibility. Big Love second wife and East Village high priestess Chloë Sevigny owns the garden apartment, and former Smashing Pumpkins' James Iha owns one of the other coops in the small townhouse building that dates back to 1845 and does not include any luxury amenities such as a doorman or concierge service. The lack of dee-luxe services makes Your Mama wonder why the monthly maintenance, a somewhat steep $1344 per month, is so damn high. Given the modest size and modest neck of the woods, we would have expected monthly building costs to be under $1,000/month.

Your Mama is very pleased and impressed with Miz Posey's funky downtown decor. It looks like a pleasant and well curated mish-mash of items from the Avenue A flea, Las Venus (the old and wacky Las Venus on Ludlow Street and not the mid-century modern outpost), and any number of assorted thrift shops located in church basements around lower Manhattan. I don't care what anyone says, that gnarled wood coffee table is flawless, even if it is murder on the chins after a few drinky-poos at Parker's place.

The well-resolved floor plan works well for a single gal about the East Village or possibly a painfully hip couple who walk their dog to the filthy Thompkins Square dog run and spend weekends at their slightly disheveled and in need of repair farm in upstate New York, where incidentally, Miz Posey recently purchased a house from Tatum O'Neil.

Apparently there was a line a mile long to purchase Miz Posey's petite penthouse, because even before old-school East Villagers could stomach the loss of one of their most cherished residents, the itty bitty apartment, listed at $1,175,000, went to contract. No word on whether Miz Posey and her cute litte dog are leaving the East Village altogether or if the actress is simply trading up to larger digs in the 'hood. We hope the later, because once the old guard East Village artists start leaving the once boho neighborhood, it means that days of buying dime bags of weed on St. Marks and going on the nod in Thompkins Square Park are truly numbered.

P.S. Parker doll, if you're getting rid of the fabulous orange swivel chair, please let Your Mama know, because we are in love with that particular piece of second-hand pricelessness.

Mike and Irina Medavoy's Beverly Park Mini-Mansion

SELLERS: Mike and Irina Medavoy
LOCATION: Beverly Park, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $21,500,000 (reduced from $23,500,000)
SIZE: 10,769 square feet, 5 bedrooms 9 bathrooms (as per listing)
DESCRIPTION: Exceptional Hampton-Style Beverly Park Estate. Beautifully set on nearly 2 acres of rolling lawns. The best value in the area. Beautifully decorated & designed. Extraordinary 2-story entry. Fabulous living rm/projection rm. Study, double powder rms, sensational kitchen/family rm, & wonderful loggia out to the lush gardens, swimmer's pool, & guesthse. Amazing master suite w/beautiful dual baths. 3 add'l spacious family bdrms & maids. Excellent privacy in the most sought after gated community.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: The children just looove to hear about the residents and humongous houses of Beverly Park and when we can, Your Mama likes to feed the children just what they're asking for. So today we bring y'all some Beverly Park goodness to chaw on.

Only in uber posh and guard gated Beverly Park, where 20,000+ square foot steroidal houses are the rule rather than the exception, is a nearly 11,000 square foot house considered a cozy mini-mansion. But that's what Your Mama would have to say about big time film producer Mike Medavoy's modest by comparison mansion that Your Mama hears from our Fairy Godmother in Beverly Hills will soon be hitting the market with an ear piercing asking price of $23,500,000.

There's no question a man like Medavoy can afford to own and maintain a house in hyper manicured Beverly Park, where the lawns are always meticulously mowed, the hedges impeccably clipped and the swimming pools glisten like sunlight itself. After all, he's responsible for bringing any number of block buster films to the screen such as One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, Rocky, The Terminator, The People vs. Larry Flynt, The Thin Red Line and many, many more.

So the man prolly deserves his vast riches that in the year 2000 allowed him to build his dream house in one of the most exclusive and expensive developments anywhere in the world. The white clapboard and black shuttered East Coast traditional style with 10,769 square feet, sprawls across it's 1.8 acre lot that includes a double gated driveway, large parking court, and swimming pool and guest house complex, and an expanse of perfectly green grass. There is not, however, a tennis court, which for $23,000,000 would be a deal breaker for Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter who like to swing a racket now and again.

No official or new listing exists for the house that we've been able to locate, but thanks to our Fairy Godmother in Beverly Hills we managed to get a hold of a few photos and information from when the house was on the market a few years ago for $14,500,000 (reduced from $15,750,000). The pretty center hall quasi-Colonial 5 bedroom house includes 8 bathrooms (or nine according to old listing information), 6 fireplaces, a living room that converts into "one of the best screening rooms," and "one of the loveliest master suites" (again according to an older listing).

Your Mama is quite impressed with the bold color that the Medavoy's nice gay decorator used in the dining room. Never before have we seen or heard of a hot pink formal dining room, and honestly, we'd never have imagined we would have anything positive to say about a dining room with screaming pink walls. But we do. Maybe it's because we're having an off day or maybe it's because Your Mama has an unhealthy attraction to bright colors. We are not in love with the execution of this room, but children, try to imagine the space pushed beyond traditional towards something kooky and contemporary. Keep the ka-razy chandelier and the side table with the too cute topiary and the wacky sea sponge looking thing underneath. Whatever that thing is, we're coveting it. We don't understand the abstract artwork hanging on the wall, but it too can stay unless you can afford a subtle Rothko or glorious Gary Hume painting to replace it. Lose the carpet, paint the moldings and doors the glossiest white paint you can find, replace the very expensive but ordinary table with a big tacky Lucite thing and cover all those faux-Louis chairs in an even tackier shiny white patent leather. Now that would be a fucked up hot pink dining room even Your Mama could love.

We don't feel as forgiving of the study/library. Somehow the room appears remarkably bright for a room with coal black walls and Your Mama is quite certain every single object in this room cost at least $2,000, but it's a strange hodge-podge that isn't quite working for us. Could be the grainy photo or it could be that upsetting scroll/map thing on the wall? Your Mama is well aware that art is subjective, but we can only hope that particular piece was done by one of the Medavoy's grandchildren (if they have any). Please don't someone tell Your Mama that chicken scratch depiction of the earth is worth more than a Mercedes.

Your Mama doesn't have a clue why the Medavoy's would chose to leave the private and secure environs of Beverly Park. Maybe they're downsizing to a house in the flats? Maybe they're up sizing to something larger? Maybe they're tired of looking at the sculpture next door. Whatever the care, it'll be inneresting to see what rich and/or famous person steps up to buy this house.

Now, let's move on to some other Beverly Park bizness. There has been some discussion in the comments section of this blog about a Beverly Park house owned by Jeanette and Robert Bisno, who among other alleged infractions, famously ired their ridiculously rich neighbors with statuary that some Bev Park residents felt was suggestive, possibly vulgar, and simply did not conform to the 70-page homeowners covenants to which all Beverly Park properties must adhere. Well, wouldn't you know, the Bisnos' happen to live right next door to the Medavoys in their own 11,894 square foot mansion. Oh children, the rich people up in Bev Park were all up in arms over the Bisno's gates, garbage cans and motor court statuary. Just imagine the shock and nasty stares as resident slowly rolled by in their shiny Bentleys, the shunning and whispered mortifications. The whole uproar ended up in a convoluted lawsuit that involved such allegations by the Bisnos that the ruling judge was mentally incompetent and as such unable to decide the case effectively. Wow. These Bisno people must really have wanted that damn statue. We're not sure what the outcome of the statue wars was, but it does appear that the very expensive piece of outdoor art is still in place in the Bisno motor court. Which means it's probably still tied up in courts. What a stellar use of our over-burdened judicial system.

An excellent article from the New York Times reports that during the bickering the Bisnos were in the process of getting a dee-vorce. But the article also reports that the couple bought another vacant lot a few doors up from their current residence where they intended to build another dream mansion and take their naughty statue with them. We don't find any evidence of them buying a second lot up there, but then again, the real estate dealings of the super rich are often obscured and difficult to track, so our lack of evidence really means nothing.

One of Your Mama's readers has also suggested in the comments section that the Bisno house is in foreclosure. Your Mama can't find any evidence of that in our rather lax research, so we can't confirm or deny that bit of unpleasantness. It does appear that the house is heavily mortgaged, but honestly puppies, that does not mean a thing. Many, many vastly wealthy people borrow enormous amounts of money against their lavish homes for any number of reasons. We can't comment on the state of Mister Bisno's finances, because we simply don't know anything about them. What we do know is Mister Bisno is and has been a controversial figure anywhere you turn.

Moving on from the Bisno bizness...Of course by now, all the children know that Beverly Park is filled to the gills with the rich and famous including Eddie Murphy, Denzel Washington, Jami Gertz, Reba McEntire, Sylvester Stallone, Paul Reiser, Faith Hill and Tim McGraw, Avi Arad, Eric Schmidt, Martin Lawrence, Sumner Redstone, Barry Bonds, Michael Eisner, Samuel Jackson, Rod Stewart, porn king Norman Zada, Haim and Cheryl Saban, a couple of Saudi royals, Steve Udvar-Hazy, and of course, young Mister Russ Weiner, the Rockstar Energy Drink founder who is one of Bev Park's newest residents.

Mister and Missus Medavoy's little slice of residential heaven for the filthy rich is far from the only Beverly Park behemoth on the market. According to property records, mobile home maven Lee Kort is trying to get rid of a 3.35 acre lot for a shocking $49,000,000 (plans and permits for a 25,000 square foot house also available). Beer baron Adolf Coors owns a 9 bedroom and 9 bathroom monster mansion, dubbed "The Great 78," which backs up to the Medavoy mansion and is currently available for $34,000,000. George Santopietro, Vanna White's ex-huzband and current Bev Park resident, recently plunked a mammoth newly built spec-house on the market for a spine tingling $50,000,000. And the Moeljadi family have long been trying to unload their 20,612 square foot pile for $29,000,000. And these are just the houses Your Mama knows are on the market. You can bet that are at least 2 or 3 others that are quietly for sale for the right price.
YOUR MAMAS UPDATE: We take it back...after viewing more recent photos of the Medavoy mansion (above), we are not so keen on the dining room. It is not, after all, the modern and nutty color scheme we originally thought. The walls are not covered in unexpected hot pink paint, but rather with a light red damask wallpaper. Ugh. Dreadful. And in the study/library, we thought the walls had been painted a very progressive, if not particularly likable black. In actuality, they are green damask. DAMASK! On the walls! Yikes. We know damask wallpaper is not uncommon in a house with an old-guard sort of decor, but with all due respect and apologies to the Medavoys, damask wallpaper always reminds Your Mama of the "better" whorehouses in rural Nevada.

We realize many of the children relish in and prefer this traditional and safe form of interior decor, but Your Mama does not. Yes, it looks cozy and comfortable, which are indeed nice qualities in a house, but Your Mama gravitates to a more modern and eclectic sort of interior where one finds unexpected and quirky bits and pieces of person's life. But alas. That said, Your Mama will say, that to the Medavoy's credit, the mansion looks welcoming and not at all lavish and lurid in the way that many people, including Your Mama, imagine the homes in Beverly Park to be decorated. Remember Rod Stewart's obscenely over stuffed mess?

Jane Pratt Sells Townhouse

SELLER: Jane Pratt
LOCATION: 58 Downing Street, New York, NY
PRICE: $3,800,000 (sale)
SIZE: 2,560 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: 58 Downing Street is an extremely rare, single family private home to come to the marketplace. Decorated by one of the world's top designers, lose yourself in informal, sophisticated luxury. 58 Downing provides the once-in-a-lifetime fantasy to own your own home in the village; resplendent with original stoop, wood-burning fireplaces, turn-of-the-century woodwork and details, and a sun-filled garden.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Children, Your Mama has been stricken with a flu which is why we did not feed the children any good real estate porn yesterday. And as usual, the children just about killed each other in our absence. Honestly babies can't Your Mama leave you alone for even one day without you turning on each other like a couple of tranny crack hos fighting over the last married man trawling Hollywood Boulevard?

We're still feeling pukey and under the weather, but in the interest of keeping the children from verbally slaughtering each other, Your Mama is going to pop up a little something about a lady named Jane Pratt. Some of you may recognize Miz Pratt's name because of her loose lips which revealed that she had a lesbian fling with Drew Barrymore back in the mid 1990s. Bet Drew was THRILLED to have that bit of news flashed about the radio.

Others of you might recognize Miz Pratt's name because for many years she sat at the top of the heap of the magazine publishing world. Back in the early 1990s, 24 year old Miz Pratt, an upper class hipster with a blue blood education, tapped into the zeitgeist of the burgeoning pre-teen gurl publishing marketplace when she created Sassy, one of the first and arguably best of the pre-teen gurl glossies which aimed at teaching young gurls just getting their mosquito bite boobies how to dress, what music to listen to, and how to innocently flirt with pimply-faced boys.

When that went belly-up, she teamed up with the Condé Nast, the Cadillac of magazine publishers. Her eponymous Jane Magazine, aimed at stylish and hip young women never quite achieved the cult following or street-cred success of Sassy, but the job paid her enough money to buy a downtown townhouse in 2001 for around $2,200,000.

Time rolls on and Jane Magazine is now defunct and Miz Pratt has a Sirius Satellite radio program. The mother of one with a longtime male companion recently sold her Manhattan townhouse for $3,800,000. Lest anyone be under the impression that the mortgage crisis is having much effect on the current Manhattan real estate market, you should know that the the not very well located four floor house was purchased for $150,000 MORE than it's asking price. Lucky Jane.

Listing information for the house says it was decorated by one of the world's top designers. And perhaps it was. We're certainly feeling okay about the parlor floor living room space, but the family room on the fourth floor is making us queasy. Let's hope the pinky/fleshy color is the result of a bad camera because Your Mama could not stomach living up in a room the color of tongue.

Although Your Mama finds the less than desirable Downing Street location is only good for its proximity to the Film Forum theater and the 1/9 subway, we happen to like the layout of the petite house. The English basement includes a large eat in kitchen with a street entrance which is perfect for getting the food deliveries from Fresh Direct right into the kitchen without having to schlep them through the house. The Parlor floor, while narrow is nicely laid our for entertaining. The lack of a terlit on this floor is a minor inconvenience unless you're a mobility impaired dinner guess, then it's a tremendous inconvenience to have to climb a flight of stairs just to relieve oneself.

The third floor, devoted entirely to the master suite is nicely laid out except for that bathtub in the dressing room. Honestly, that's just silly. Who needs to bathe while looking at the Jimmy Choos and Prada suits? We'd rip that water barrel out right away and replace it with more custom fitted closets.

The two bedrooms on the third floor are rather small, but how much room do children really need? None the less, if this house were to belong to Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter we'd combine those two bedrooms into one nicely sized suite for guests...well at least guests that have the lung power and leg strength to get up and down all the stairs to the kitchen.

According to records on file with the city, the skinny 16 ft wide 3 bedroom and 3.5 bathroom house was purchased by political risk management guru Ian Bremmer, a youngish intellectual and brilliant political scientist who heads up the Eurasia Group. We imagine these rooms will soon be filled with all sorts of chatter about global finance, proliferation treaties and the potential positive and negative implications of a senator's pork barrel requests.

According to Media Bistro (via Curbed), Miz Pratt is rumored to be starting a magazine with Gwen Stefani. So does this mean that the Pratt clan is headed to the west coast?

Never Say Never About the Sale of Neverland Ranch

More reports are trickling out about Michael Jackson's flagging and sagging finances. According to a thorough and thoroughly compelling report on Fox News, the once black man, who looks an awful lot like a white lady now days, has defaulted on a $23,000,000 loan that was guaranteed by "Neverland Ranch," his 2,700 acre Santa Ynez Valley playpen for the kiddies. Uh oh.

If the former King of Pop does not cough up the cash to repay the loan, and the near quarter million dollars in interest too, the creditor can and will foreclose on "Neverland Ranch" and force the sale of the property to pay the debt. Oh dear. Most people have read that Miss Thing has financial issues, but it appears things have become dire and the article reports that the child lover may in fact file for bankruptcy within 90 days to get out from under his considerable financial debt and burden.

Many times since Miss Jackson's last legal tangle over an alleged inappropriate relationship with a young boy, the ranch has been rumored to have been sold or just about sold. In April of this year The NY Post reported that "distressed debt guru Bill Huff is in serious negotiations to buy the property." But the sale never happened. Other rumors included tall tales bout the massive ranch being sold on a reality television program. That obviously never came to fruition either.

Since being acquited of child molestation charges, Miss Jackson has been gallivanting across the globe living in in far flung locales such as Bahrain, where he was a guest of a filthy rich royal/patron, and also in Ireland, where he was rumored to have been a guest of Lord of the Dance Michael Flatly. More recently the beleaguered former superstar and father of three very blond babies was living in Las Vegas, where he first shacked up in a leased 16,461 square foot pile a couple miles off The Strip. It was later reported that the Jackson clan moved to another even larger and more lavish Las Vegas estate reportedly owned by Prince Jefri Bolkiah of Brunei.

Jackson's relationships with his Middle Eastern potentate patrons seems to have gone awry. His prince (Abdullah of Brunei) is now suing the pop star for $7,000,000, and the Jackson four plus handlers have decamped from Prince Jefri's Las Vegas estate and are reported to be holed up in a luxury rental in Maryland. Maryland?

Everyone knows that Miss Jackson continues to own the heavily mortgaged Jackson family house on Hayvenhurst in Encino where his parents currently reside, no doubt living on the dwindling dollars of their one time cash cow son. (It's actually been gossiped to Your Mama that big mean daddy Jackson does not actually live at the Jackson family house anymore.) It's also been widely rumored and reported over the years that the the pale faced singer also owns an Upper East Side townhouse in Manhattan as well as a Beverly Hills mansion. Your Mama doubts that very much though. The man can barely pay for the make-up on his face let alone the maintenance on properties he does not use.

But then again he hangs on to the scene of the alleged crime in Santa Ynez, so what do we know?

Should "Neverland Ranch" be sold, either voluntarily or as part of a foreclosure proceeding, Your Mama has no doubt the entire mess will be torn down. What mega rich mogul wants Michael Jackson's broke down and leftover Ferris wheel and tarnished Tilt-a-whirl, not to mention the hordes of crazed and deluded fans that camp out on Figueroa Mountain Road?

Let's Talk About the Languishing Marketplace

Some real estate soothsayers say the "bubble" is about to burst. Some say it has already popped and are expecting dramatic drops in the price of housing over the next 12 months. And some others say it's all nonsense and the sky-high prices will hold even if fewer folks can afford to buy. Your Mam doesn't have a clue what's to come, but what we do know is that even the rich and famous are not immune to the fluctuations in the housing market. This morning Your Mama is going to look back at three celebrity owned properties that we've previously discussed and which continue to languish on the market, perhaps victims to the upheaval in the mortgage and lending industries and perhaps an indication of a slow down in the electric Los Angeles market.

1. Let's start with one of Hollywood's queens of kookiness Sharon Stone. In February of 2006, the acturuss, who was once offered $1,500,000 to make a "short visit" a Russian tycoon's house, went and bought a big Beverly Hills (Post Office) estate at the tippy top of N. Beverly Drive. For whatever reason, our favorite capricious minx never moved her questionable clothing or children into the place. Just four months after purchasing the 6,640 square foot house for $10,995,000, someone encouraged lovable Miz Cray-zee to put the place back on the market for $12,500,000.

Now babies, we don't know if Miz Stone ever intended to live up in this house or if her bizness manager (or another of her many people) thought she should try to cash in on an exploding real estate market in the Platinum Triangle and encouraged her to buy the place as a flip investment. But what is clear is that the vajayjay baring AIDs activist is going to lose at least a million clams on her impulsive and not well timed real estate maneuver.

After taking the house off the market in the Spring of 2007, Miz Stone put it back on the market over the summer at $11,500,000, a full million dollar price reduction. But alas, no buyers came a-runnin'. Recently, she again lowered the asking price for the 5-acre estate to $10,495,000, a full $500,000 LESS than she paid for the place. Take out the real estate fees, which are likely to be in the neighborhood of $500,000, and poor Miz Stone will be dipping into her Hermes pocketbook to to the tune of $1,000,000. You know she's all sorts of pissed. Maybe she should have taken the Russian tycoons more than generous offer after all.

2. Dirty looking comedian Jack Black should be sitting on top of the world. He's got hit movies, rakes in piles of cash, and has a new-ish wifey and baby. However, his real estate world is not so happy. Yes, the funny man did recently sell a Laurel Canyon house he once owned with his previous lady friend, and yes, he's got a $3,000,000 celebrity worthy new house on Monte Cielo Drive in Beverly Hills which he recently renovated and happens to sit next door to John O'Hurley's optimistically priced house.

But he's also got a N. Beachwood Drive house that he can't seem to unload. The freshly renovated, 2,694 square foot house first appeared on the open market in May 2007 with an asking price of $1,699,000. At one point over the summer it appeared that the house had found a buyer, but the deal must have fallen through because it's still sitting on the market with a reduced and current asking price of $1,529,000.

We're quite certain Mister Black put considerable money into renovating the place, but given that he paid only $720,000 for the property in 2001, there's perhaps a chance he can make some money on this transaction.

3. Staying in the Beachwood Canyon area, we move to Danny Masterson's quaint cottage on Holly Mont Drive. When this property first hit the open marketplace in late April, it had an aggreessive asking price of $1,595,000. It appears that on more than one occasion the actor/Scientologist/DJ/real estate investor had the place sold. But apparently the deal(s) fell apart, because the modest house remains on the market for $1,480,000. We can only imagine that Mister Masterson is eager to unload the place given that he and his gurlyfriend, the once wild child Bijou Phillips, bought the old Chuck Berry house a few blocks away for $2,995,000.

Like Jack Black, Mister Masterson may have some wiggle room before he is forced to take a loss on the transaction. He paid just $580,000 for the house back in 1998.

More Ellen Real Estate Intrigue

Poor Ellen Degeneres. Not only did she catch a lot of flak and break down in tears on her talk show over those nasty adopted dog doings, the glossy tabs are now reporting that she and her lesbian lover Portia di Rossi are headed towards splitsville. Say it isn't so. Seriously, Your Mama does not want to see these two lovebirds bust up. Your Mama has no inside sources with Miz Degeneres and we don't even pretend know a thing about either of those matters that has not already been reported far and wide.

More intriguing to Your Mama than whether Ellen did the right thing with the dog (we fall on the side of the dog's best interest), or whether she and the Missus are getting a dee-vorce (we hope not), is the ever changing make up of her Southern California real estate empire.

Yesterday Your Mama briefly discussed the newly renovated Beverly Hills house that the talk show queen and her acturuss lady friend have recently purchased from Will and Grace co-creator Max Muchnick,which got us looking into some of the other properties the real estate maven currently owns, sold and/or has on the market.

The last of Ellen's Woodrow Wilson Drive collection of properties was recently sold off to 25 year old soap stud Adrian Bellani who took over the role of Miguel when uni-brow Jesse Metcalfe left the jaw dropping daytime drama Passions in a not very successful attempt to move on to bigger and better things. The sale price was not disclosed, but the asking price for the modestly sized and envy producing house was $1,995,000. Another of her Woodrow Wilson properties was sold to dee-vorcing couple Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams, so it'll be interesting to see if that place comes back on the market as part of that settlement.

Just a few miles from Oprah Winfrey's $50,000,000+ fiefdom, Ellen and Portia are still attempting to cash in on their massive Montecito mansion which remains on the market for a spine tingling $24,000,000. The children will recall that the couple reportedly purchased this house for $15,750,000 (property records do not disclose the purchase price) in late 2006 and before they could even get their bras and panties into the dressing room drawers, put the place back on the market for $8,250,000 more than they paid for the meticulously renovated and landscaped 4-acre estate.
A little father north, Ellen and Portia owned two Santa Ynez ranches. According to property records, Miz D. purchased the 20 acre bucolic and picturesque getaway ranchette on Roundup Road (pictured above) in December of 2005 for $2,800,000 and sold it 13 months later, in March 2007, for $3,050,000 to a couple of infomercial entrepreneurs.
Now children this is where things get complicated and interesting. Property records indicate that Miz D. had purchased another much larger ranch in Santa Ynez in May of 2005 when she paid an undisclosed amount of money for a 119 acre property on Armour Ranch Road (pictured above). The sprawling complex includes a 2 bedroom 2.5 bathroom main house, a 1 bedroom and 1 bathroom guest house, a 2 bedroom and 1 bath manager's house, equestrian facilities, a lap pool, and and entertainment pavilion overlooking the tennis court. It has been widely reported, including by Your Mama on this very blog, that Miz D. sold this equestrian estate, which had been on the market for $11,900,000. And indeed property records do indicate a sale in December of 2006 to an business entity in Gig Harbor, Washington for an undisclosed amount.

Interestingly, the gor-gee-us hideaway is back on the market for $16,500,000, and even more interesting is that it's being marketed with all the same information, photos and magnificent interior design as when it was sold by Miz D. Hmm.

Here's were things get really perplexing. In November of 2005, Miz D. purchased a Marmol Radziner designed quasi-ranch style house on Zorada Drive on a private knoll in the Hollywood Hills for an undisclosed sum of money. It is widely believed this is the house Miz D. and her lady friend Portia called home for the last couple of years.

In March of 2006 Miz D. purchased an adjacent property, also with a Zorada Drive address, and also for an undisclosed amount of money. The 2,755 square foot house was given the usual and spectacular Ellen D. interior make over and was back on the market in May 2007 for $2,300,000. The listing disappeared from the MLS after several weeks and Your Mama presumed it had been sold.

And it appears that is has. Property records reveal that in September 2007, ownership of BOTH Zorada Drive properties were transferred to a business entity in...are you ready kids?...in Gig Harbor, Washington. In fact, they appear to have been sold to a business concern with the very same Gig Harbor address associated with the Santa Ynez property on Armour Ranch Road.

Which is strange and puzzling. Could it be that Miz D. simply transferred all the properties to another private trust? Or could it be that all three properties were purchased by the same person or business concern? That would certainly appear to be the case. Which of course has Your Mama wondering, why? And who? An investor? A super rich fan? A Microsoft executive? Bueller? Bueller? Anyone?

Whatever the case in term of why and who, it supports the information we received earlier this week about Ellen and Portia moving to a never on the open market and newly renovated house in Beverly Hills. Bitches gotta live somewhere, and the Montecito mansion is waaay too far for Ellen to commute to her talk show day in and day out unless by helicoptor. And everyone knows Ellen drives a Porsche and not a helicopter.

Thursday Morning Mishmash

Your Mama has a few updates and old news items that we figured we'd put in one morning mishmash rather the take the time and spend the excessive energy required to discuss each update separately.

1.
Back in the mid-1990s, when Miz Julia Roberts' primary residence was on lower Fifth Avenue in New York City, Your Mama used to see the $20,000,000+ per film acturuss at the Bowery Bar, which used to be a quite chic downtown eatery and drinkery. This was in the post-Pretty Woman days when Miz Roberts was not the box office babe she became after My Best Friend's Wedding and long before her Oscar Winning performance in Erin Brockovich. Your Mama wishes we could say Miz Roberts was all bubbly and big toothed grin-like, but the poor thing was not on top of her game in those days, and more than once we saw the gurl slumped in a booth looking like a squint eyed and nappy haired hot mess.

Although Miz Roberts continues to maintain a New York City outpost (a Gramercy Park penthouse), nowadays, the mother of three lives mostly on the West coast with her cameraman baby daddy Danny Moder. When she and the family are not hunkered down at their big ranch in Taos, New Mexico, they are shacked up in a small compound on Nowita Place in a modest, but very desirable section of Venice, CA.
But, as anyone who has ever read a glossy tabloid knows, the environmentally conscious couple have recently completed a gargantuan "green" built house on the cliffs of Point Dume in Malee-boo (pictured above). Although property records we accessed do not disclose the purchase price of either of the two lots that were purchased late in 2003, many reports say Miz Roberts and her man paid $20,000,000 for the properties. Sounds like a lot of money, but then again Johnny Carson's cliff top compound sold earlier this year for a reported $38,000,000.

Your Mama hasn't a clue about how big Earth Mama Miz Roberts' new house is or how many bedrooms and bathrooms have been included in the craftsman style structure. But given that she's got three youngin's who all need nannies, we imagine the house has to have at least 6 bedrooms. If anyone would like to clue Your Mama in, please give us a ringy-dingy.

UPDATE: We hear from the Jack of Clubs that the house measures a relatively modest 6,144 square feet with 6 bedrooms and 5 bathrooms.

2.
Yesterday, Mister Max Abelson at the pink paged NY Observer gives us the update on the West Village townhouse that crazy rich Johnson & Johnson heiress Libet Johnson purchased from Academy Award winning actress Meryl Streep back in October 2005 for $9,100,000. Your Mama discussed the property back in April.
Mister Abelson not only tells us that Miz Johnson never moved into the West 12th Street townhouse (pictured above), but that in fact she "lent the house" to Diandra Douglas, who happens to be the ex-wifey of Michael Douglas. Lent? Seriously? The children might remember that lucky ex-Mrs. Douglas was granted a reported and rumored $45,000,000 in her dee-vorce settlement, so even if we had the piles of cash that Libet has, we'd have charged ex-Mrs Douglas and her guitar making new husband Michael Klein some steep ass rent.

Five time married Libet, who has had a very public and tumultuous romantic life including being famously and formerly hooked up with tonsorial tycoon Frédéric Fekkai, had her five floor townhouse on the market for nearly $16,000,000. While no one seemed eager to pay quite that much, Mister Abelson reports that the centrally located house did in fact sell for $12,800,000 to an investment trust.

3.
Mariska Hargitay has finally unloaded her TriBeCa penthouse for much less than it's asking price. According to all the real estate gossips, the approximately 2,500 square foot Beach Street penthouse sold for $5,100,000, which is considerably less than the $6,495,000 that was being asked when Your Mama first discussed the property back in February.
Your Mama has received multiple and eager requests about where Miz Hargitay has moved since vacating the 3 bedroom and 2.5 bathroom building topper on Beach Street, but you know what? Your Mama does not know. Given that Law and Order continues to film incessantly around New York City, including in front of Your Mama's building earlier this week, we presume the pedigreed acturuss and new mommy has moved to a larger New York City apartment that better fits her growing family.

Sources: Pacific Coast News (Roberts' photo)

José Eber Hangs His Cowboy Hat Here

SELLER: José Eber
LOCATION: St. Ives Place, West Hollywood, CA
PRICE: $4,295,000
SIZE: 3,387 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 4.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Live the Hollywood lifestyle in this stunning high-tech luxury view home. Owned by renowned celebrity hair stylist José Eber, property features a spacious floor plan with tasteful upgrades in the most prime of neighborhoods. Seclusion is assured because of the private cul de sac. This ultimate entertainer’s home is a delightful place to retreat. Mix in the perfect Hollywood location and the glamour of its celebrity background and you have an unbeatable combination!!!

YOUR MAMAS UPDATE: Okay babies, we smell a rat. First of all we found a listing for the house that had it priced at $5,350,000, which means that the current price of $4,295,000 is more than $1,000,000 less than Monsieur EeBear originally wanted for the house. This is not a new listing, it's a re-priced listing.

Secondly, from the pictures it is clear that Monsieur EeBear does not currently LIVE in this house. A source we contacted claims that the long haired hair maven has not lived in this house since 2002, PRIOR to the re-build/renovation. Property records do show that the tonsorial trimmer does own the property, but we hear he moved years ago. Someone named Joe-ZAY is hoping to make millions on his renovation project.

Your Mama does not have a clue as to where the tonsorial trimmer actually lives, but we'd love to know because Your Mama is nosy like that.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: The listing agents for hairstylist to the stars José Eber have made it easy for Your Mama. Not only did they name the home owner in their description of the property on the MLS, they posted a comment on our little blog announcing that the hairdresser's Hollywood Hills contempo has hit the market at $4,295,000.

Now babies, before we begin, let Your Mama give y'all a lesson on how to say the long haired coiffure's name. It's Joe-ZAY Ee-BEAR. It helps if you use a pretend French accent. Say it with Your Mama children, Joe-ZAY Ee-BEAR.

Monsieur Eebear, who has touched, twirled and twisted the hair of just about every Hollywood hussy and diva from the 1980s including Farrah Fawcett, Cher, and Elizabeth Taylor, continues to be a force in Hollywood hairdos and hair-don't's. But his fame and influence seems to have ebbed among the young celebutards who prefer to have their locks cut and colored by younger and hipper hairdressers like reality television friendly Jonathan Antin and/or Jessica Simpson's hair bitch Ken Pavés (pronounced Pay-ves if you please or care).

According to property records, Monsieur Eebear bought this property in February of 1990 for $867,720, which was a lot of gawd-damn money in 1990 for a little fixer in the hills. Current information indicates that the house measures 3,387 square feet with 4 bedrooms and 4.5 bathrooms. It appears that Monsieur Eebear has done a fairly recent head to toe make over of the place since he purchased the vertically inspired house. There are gorgeous views of the Los Angeles all the way to the ocean (on a clear day, anyway) and the private drive is shared with just four other houses. Not only is the close to Sunset Boulevard location convenient to all the swanky shoppy-shops along Robertson, the end of the private drive location means a celebrity could unpack the groceries from the Range Rover without being pestered by the paps.

As of today, the listing agents have not included many photos of the house, so we really can't say if the floor plan is spacious or if the upgrades are tasteful. What we do know is that Monsieur Eebear, whose long, loooong hair falls down his back, is never seen without a cowboy or Australian bush style hat that is often laden with feathers, medallions or some other adornment. Can we expect the same sort of over the top interior appointments? Time will tell as the listing agent promises more glorious photos soon.

But more than anything, what Your Mama rather callously and cattily wants to know is if Monsieur Eebear has a full head of hair under his hat. Hmm.

Ellen and Portia On the Move. Again.

Late yesterday afternoon, one of Your Mama's most reliable sources whispered in our ear that talk show queen Ellen Degeneres and her Sapphic partner Portia di Rossi have vacated their Marmol and Radziner designed house on Zorada Drive in the Hollywood Hills and moved West to the Hills of Beverly. According to our source, and a little elbow grease and research, Your Mama has learned that the high-powered lezbo duo have moved into a recently renovated Buff and Hensman designed house above Coldwater Canyon Drive that once belonged to none other than acturuss turned tell-all novelist Joan Collins.

As of today, Your Mama can't confirm any of this rumor, gossip and innuendo with property records, but our source is always reliable and has excellent resources that we can't reveal lest we expose her identity. Of course, we'll keep our eyes and ears open for more information and confirmation.

Tanya Tucker On Our Minds

SELLER: Tanya Tucker
LOCATION: Patton Road, Arrington, TN
PRICE: $11,500,000 (approx. sale price)
SIZE: 500 acres, 22,600 square feet (reported)

***It's a bit difficult for Your Mama to be pithy and snarky at a time when all of Southern California seems to be ablaze. Although we will continue to try to entertain and amuse (everyone needs a giggle, even in dire times), please know that we are deeply concerned for everyone affected by the devastation in San Diego, Lake Arrowhead, Orange County, and Malibu. Your Mama totally understands that our little sassy little gossip blog pales in comparison to what's really important during a time of disaster. Health and safety to all, and don't forget the many pets and livestock that are also affected by the overwhelming situation.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: In addition to the wildfires ripping through Southern California, Your Mama has Tanya Tucker on our mind this morning. Strange as it may sound, we often have old-school country crooner Tanya Tucker on the brain, and the iPod.

Tanya Tucker's riveting rendition of Delta Dawn is one of Your Mama's first musical memories. As a wee thing, Your Mama and Sister Woman rode around in our mama's suped-up chocolate brown Oldsmobile with Tanya Tucker blaring on the 8-track and singing our little hearts out. Nowadays Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter have traded up to a big BMW, but we we're often singing our little hearts out as we ride around with Delta Dawn blaring from the stereo that is hooked up to a cute little iPod.

Multiple recent reports say that Miz Tanya Tucker finally sold her 500-acre farm in Arrington, a speck on the map about 30 miles south of country capital Nashville, Tennesee. According to one report, Miz Tucker has been trying to unload her big farm since at least 2001 when she put the place on the market for $13,500,000 as a FSBO (for sale by owner) so she could save herself the steep real estate fees.

At some point the lauded singer must have pulled the place off the market because the palatial Plantation style pad, which sprawls over 4 floors and 22,260 square feet, was recently featured in the family's reality show called Tuckerville. Good heavens children, does everyone have a damn reality show? Your Mama confesses that despite our somewhat embarrassing fondness for reality shows, we never watched a single episode of Tuckerville.

Deer Park Farm, which is the name Your Mama has been told Miz Tucker named her 500 acre estate, sits in the boonies of suburban and rural Nashville and her closest celebrity neighbors were the flawless counter singer Jeane Pruett, new country's Kenny Chesney, and rocker Sheryl Crow is rumored to have a big spread on Cross Keys Road in College Grove, which is about 15 miles from the old Tucker farm.

Property records we accessed were slim on details so we haven't a clue how many bedrooms and bathrooms the place had, but given it's tremendous square footage, we assume there were many of each. However, the Tennessee Tatler, who sweetly provided Your Mama with the few photos we have of the farm, says that the lowest level of the four floor behemoth housed Miz Tucker's fleet of trucks and the top floor is where she stored her music memorabilia including all her old beaded and spangled costumes.

Several reports say that Miz Tucker's 500 acre estate sold for "nearly $11,500,000" to an Earle Ridge Investments, an Ohio based company that plans on converting the wooded property, along with an adjacent 160-are parcel, into a golf course development. Miz Tucker's humongous house is expected become the centerpiece and clubhouse of the planned 18-hole golf course community which is expected to have almost 500 homes. Are there that many people in rural Nashville who are ready, willing, and able to buy 500 houses with sale prices expected to start at $550,000? In the current sagging marketplace? Good luck to 'em.

Miz Tucker has famously relocated to Malee-boo after a tumultuous cross-country drive where she was allegedly robbed by her feuding former fiancee Jerry Laseter and a female co-conspirator.
There has been some confusion about which house on Carbon Mesa Road Miz Tucker and her family have leased. However, several sources, including one who knows about the doings on Carbon Mesa Road, confirm that the Tuckers have leased a 4,646 square foot Monterey Colonial merged with a classic California ranch style house (pictured above) on 2.8 acres with a somewhat sophisticated western decor, 5 bedrooms, 5 bathrooms, panoramic ocean views and a 100 foot backyard water slide. Do we even need to tell the children what we think of back yard water slides?

Both the street and Miz Tucker's temporary digs are no stranger to the rich and famous. Our Carbon Mesa informant tells us that perpetually troubled Britney Spears once leased the house as did Jude Law and Siena Miller during one of their many attempts at reconciliation. Our informant and property records reveal that Sean Penn owns the property next door that burned to ground in the 1993 Malibu fires and where his Airstream trailer burned in the fires this week. Ed Harris and Amy Madigan's ocean view compound is just down the hill. Your Mama was also told that David Duchovny and Tea Leoni have a Carbon Mesa outpost, but we've not been able to confirm this with property records.

Your Mama can't imagine why Miz Tucker, who has a regularly performs in Las Vegas, would shack up in Malee-boo, but we hear from more than one source that she's filming another season of the family's reality show at the house. Tuckerville By the Sea?

Due to the fires in Malibu, Miz Tucker's teenage daughter Presley and the four family dogs were evacuated from their leased house. Reports say Miz Tucker was in Las Vegas at the time of the evacuation.

Fire fire everywhere

Your Mama is taking the rest of the day off to follow the news reports of the devastating infernos burning all across Southern California.

Malibu continues to be engulfed in smoke and flames, Lake Arrowhead is on fire with few firefighters on the scene to deal with the huge blaze, 3,500 acre have been scorched in the eastern reaches of Orange County, and up to 250,000 people have been are are being asked to evacuate as a result of the out of control wildfires around San Diego.

Your Mama's heart hurts for all affected by the fires.

Be well and safe.

Sources: CNN (photos)

UPDATE: Russ Weiner

BUYER: Russell Weiner
LOCATION: Beverly Park Terrace, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $15,000,015 (sale)
SIZE: 16,000 square feet (approx.), 6 bedrooms, 7 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Long winding driveway unfolds to 2 level acres of glorious lawns, gardens & the most spectacular estate. Beautiful city & ocean views. Apprx. 16,000 sq. ft. home w/ 4 brs or more + 2 mds, lrg master w/ his & her baths, library/media room, gym, wine cellar, amazing outdoor entert. areas w/ lrg pool & tennis ct.

As a result of Your Mama discussing one of the several Hollywood Hills homes owned by Russ Weiner that he has on the market for many millions of dollars, several of the children inquired about Mister Weiner's new house up in the uber swank celebrity enclave of Beverly Park.

Your Mama confesses that we did not know a thing about young Mister Weiner purchasing a Bev Park behemoth. So natch, fingers a'flying, we got on the email and started dialing the phones to our crack team of snitches, sneaks and informants. Before long we heard back from the always reliable Lucy Spillerguts and our amazing Fairy Godmother in Beverly Hills who came through with some of the much wanted information.

Here's what Your Mama knows:

1. According to property information, a 16,000 square foot house with six bedrooms and 7 bathrooms in Beverly Park was purchased in February of 2007 for $15,000,015. The property had once been owned by booze baron Adam Bronfman and his wifey Cynthia.

2. The admittedly hefty purchase price seems a relative bargain when you consider that in April of 2006 humongous house lover Kelsey Grammer sold the house next door for $22,000,220, the house on the other side is currently on the market for the spine tingling price of $50,000,000, and the house across the street, owned by the Coors family, is also on the market for the only slightly less obscene asking price of $34,000,000.

3. Your Mama's sources confirm that young Mister Weiner, who created the Rockstar Energy Drink and whose father is the right wing screamer Michael Savage, currently lives up in the Bev Park house that sits on and level two acre lot which includes a swimming pool and tennis court, and according to listing information, views of the city and the ocean.

4. What's unclear to Your Mama is whether Mister Weiner actually purchased this house, or if he's simply leasing the dee-luxe estate. Given Mister Weiner's penchant for large and expensive properties, we presume that he's purchased the property.

5. The house does not appear to have been on the open market at the time of the sale, but back in late 2003, the hacienda style casa was on the market for $17,450,000.

What Your Mama wants to know is how is it possible that Mister Wiener's second rate and cockamamie concoction of sucralose and acesulfame potassium allows him to buy and own tens of millions of dollars in real estate? Seriously, how?

Leo DiCaprio's Malee-boo Modern

The children have been clamoring and crying for some information on the modern Malee-boo crib that Leo DiCaprio quietly purchased earlier this year for $6,350,000, and RADAR has apparently heard your wailing and responded with all the pix real estate porn lovers can handle.

For the record, Your Mama loves this place. We find it to be extremely well located, modest in size, clean and crisp in appearance and more a-list neighbors than you can shake a stick at.

Not sure why Mister DiCaprio needs three ocean front homes in Malee-boo, but who are we to question the capricious real estate desires of the very rich and famous?

And of course, Your Mama wishes all the Malee-booans health and safety as they grapple and cope with the out of control blaze sweeping through the area.

Allen Iverson Has Real Estate Woes

SELLER: Allen and Tawana Iverson
LOCATION: Chateau Lane, Villanova, PA
PRICE: $6,300,000
SIZE: 3.5 acres, 14,000 square foot (approx) 5 bedrooms, 7 full and 2 half bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: This masterpiece of craftsmanship encompasses 14,000 sq. ft. of award winning design. Nestled amongst 4.0 of meticulously designed landscaping, pool house, stream and cascading waterfalls, this modern Chateau is a haven of tranquility. Four complete levels of lavish appointments beginning in the Foyer and Great Room with flr to ceiling Palladian windows, custom rail work and breathtaking molding, 5 fps, 9 custom baths, French doors and soaring ceilings offer drama and grace throughout the Estate.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Although professional basketballer Allen Iverson and his wife Tawana have recently run screaming their newly built home in Alpharetta, Georgia amid concerns that the place is splitting, sagging and coming apart at the seams, the family of six will be far from homeless. They can always, at least temporarily, shack up in the big Villanova manse they lived before "The Answer" was traded from the Philadelphia 76ers to the Denver Nuggets late in 2006.

Late last night, Your Mama received a tip from The Pennsylvania Patty Cake, who forwarded information about the Iverson's Villanova villa currently on the market for $6,300,000. Located on 4.0 acres of exclusive Main Line property, the 4 level main house sprawls across a whopping 14,000 (approx.) square feet and according to listing information includes five bedrooms, nine terlits, five fireplaces, guest quarters with it's own sitting room and kitchenette, an entertainment level with movie theater, billiard room, and a bar/lounge complete with 200+ bottle wine cooler. But perhaps the most appealing and impressive feature lies behind the double doors to the palatial master suite that features dual baths and a custom closet accommodating 500 pairs of shoes. No babies, that is not a typo.

Although the wooded and landscaped property sits too painfully close to the "Blue Route," also knows as highway 476, for Your Mama's comfort and frazzled nerves, it is surrounded by other monster blue blood estates which should help to ensure its appraisal value. According to property records, the Iversons purchased this Villanova estate in November of 2002 for an even $5,000,000.

From the outside, and the couple of photos of the interior, Mister and Missus Iverson's "masterpiece of craftsmanship" is decidedly not the sort of residence Your Mama would purchase with six and some million clams. None the less, this type of suburban excess seems to be very popular with the sorts of Philadelphia folks who do in fact have the finances for a home in this price range.

The landscaping is extensive and Your Mama imagines Mister Iverson is spending a small fortune to maintain this property while it languishes on the market. We shudder to think of his landscaping bills, not to mention that the mammoth house must be kept dust free and the terlits scrubbed of any mold or leftover residue from filthy rich potential buyers who think it's appropriate to set on the damn terlit and do the dirty bizness when looking at a multi-million dollar mansion. And if you the children don't believe Your Mama when we tell you this happens more than you would ever imagine, just dial up a few high end real estate agents for their horror stories of the upsetting and jaw dropping behavior of some of their obscenely rich and entitled clients.

Although Your Mama often shudders and shakes when dealing with over-built suburban behemoths, we do confess that the double height living room of the Iverson's former home has a certain appeal. We're certain our positive mood towards this room is due greatly to it's having been cleared of any furniture that might cause Your Mama to need a nerve pill, and we're not seeing some of the decorating abominations we might expect to see like funeral home style curtains draped all up down and around the Palladian windows. The tall mirror above the fireplace can go out with yesterday's trash, but we are digging the big chandelier, which gives the place a grand train station waiting room vibe which is not at all unappealing to Your Mama in this case.

We can not say, of course, the same thing of the home thee-ay-ter which is so puzzling and perplexing that it has Your Mama laid out flat on the ground with wonder. And not the good kind of wonder. Children, let this media room be a lesson for everyone in how NOT to decorate a private theater in one's basement. First off, let's always remember that teal and mauve is never a good color combination. Ever. That particular color combo is disruptive to the psyche, and it's been scientifically proven that it induces spontaneous vomiting in at least 14% of the population.

Secondly, let's discuss the seating. These old-school teal colored contraptions will have the sciatica acting up within minutes and have everyone's backsides going numb long before the credits roll. Listen puppies, if you're going to go through the bother and considerable expense to install a theater in your home or basement, spend the extra money for seating that will not cripple or kill you. It just makes sense.

Given all the house drama the Iversons are currently dealing with in Alpharetta, Your Mama sincerely hopes some Main Line matron and her trust fund huzband quickly step up and make a reasonable offer on the old Iverson homestead in Villanova.

Malibu Fire Update

According to our sources, winds have died down somewhat and the firefighters are able to concentrate on various hot spots. However, the warm Santa Ana winds often kick up in the early evening, so let's all cross our fingers and toes that hundreds of firefighters and water drop planes are able to be successfully get the various blazes under control.

Reports say several areas have been evacuated including many houses along Malibu Road, the Malibu Colony, and Carbon Beach. These areas are filled with the homes of rich and famous folks like Jennifer Aniston, Sting and Trudie Styler, David Geffen, Larry Ellison, Tanya Tucker, Linda Ronstadt, Bill Murray, Goldie Hawn, Ted Danson and Mary Steenburgen, Jerrold Perenchio, and many, many more. And those are just the folks on the ocean. There are also lots of celebs up in the hills including Britney Spears, Kelsey Grammar and Olivia Newton John.

But let's be real folks, it doesn't matter if you're rich and famous when it comes to the tragedy of fire. Your Mama aches for all the people in Malibu, not just the celebrities.

The photo above is the remains of the Castle Kashan. Sad, sad, sad to lose a landmark residence like this.

Go firefighters, GO!

Sources: KABC via CNN (photo)

Oh no!

If the children are watching the news, you know that wild fires are beginning to sweep through Malee-boo and they're starting to burn the multi-million dollar houses of the rich and famous including, reportedly, Lilly Lawrence's "Castle Kashan," which has been for sale for $17,000,000 and which Your Mama wrote about some time ago.

According to news reports, super expensive Pepperdine University is being evacuated and embers have started fires in several ocean front residences on Malibu Road just north of super swank and celebrity friendly Malibu Colony. One of the fires appears to be the house next door or maybe two doors down from a Colony property owned by Leo DiCaprio. Another news reports says that residents of the Colony have already been evacuated.

Our hearts are with the rich, famous and the not so rich and famous in Malee-boo as they cope with yet another devastating fire.

Go firefighters, go!

Sources: KTLA, via CNN (photo)

Sunday's Miscellaneous Mash-up

Your Mama is going to do something a little different this morning. Rather and cut apart or celebrate a celebrity home, we're going to link over to a couple of stories related to celebrity real estate. See babies, Your Mama is plum tuckered out and we have a full schedule of tree trimmers and lawn doctors to deal with.
Our first link is an international story. We know the children l.o.v.e. the international stories, we just wish we had more to report. Anyhoo, Londoners now have the opportunity to live in the squalid flats turned quasi luxury housing block (pictured above) that once housed Sid Vicious, John Lydon (aka Johnny Rotten), and reportedly Boy George herself. Misters Vicious and Rotten, who formed the core of the awesome Sex Pistols punk band, squatted in No. 39 New Court, Lutton Terrace in a flat leased by a lady named Barbara who didn't charge the proto-punkers any rent for their room which had no electricity or hot water. Which is good, because you just know that messy twosome didn't have any money for rent anyway. Naturally the hooligans scribbled and scrawled across the walls, but that's all been removed now to make way for all the fancy flat dwellers

Also, if you're interested in the London real estate scene, check out The Rat and Mouse, which caters to all the Londoners who think about real estate obsessively.
Stateside, we have a sad story about another professional basketball player with an obscenely large house (pictured above). It seems that the $19,000,000 a year Allen Iverson is having trouble with his 15,000 square foot house. Mister Iverson paid $2,200,000 for the monster mansion just outside of Atlanta inside the gates of the Country Club of the South in Alpharetta, Georgia. Shortly after moving his family in, the brick behemoth allegedly started to sag and crack. Not good. So he and wifey Tawana are suing the builder for $6,200,000 for the full cost of the house, relocation expenses, custom furniture and fittings and any number of other things.

Sources: Phil Skinner for the Atlanta Journal Constitution (Iverson photo), Times Online (New Court photo)

Russ Weiner Must Be Outta His Mind Too

SELLER: Russell Goldencloud Weiner
LOCATION: Sierra Alta Way, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $22,000,000
SIZE: 17,983 square feet, 9 bedrooms, 13 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Villa In The Sky... An estate of this size and magnitude rarely seen or available. A long private gated driveway to motor court and spectacular entry of grand proportions. Entertainers paradise with brand new resort style grotto pool, waterfalls and slide, N./S. tennis court with city views, three story indoor racquetball court/gym, ballroom, commercial elevator, brand new gourmet chefs kitchen, the best 2000 sq.ft master suite in the city, security office and a 5 bedroom detached guest house...

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Looks like Nicky Hilton might be getting a new and obscenely wealthy neighbor who more than likely lacks taste and discretion in architecture and interior design. See babies, Russ Weiner, founder of Rockstar Energy Drink and son of right wing radio host Michael Savage, just dropped his humongous Hollywood Hills house on the market for a ear splitting $22,000,000. And hunnies it's a big tackee pile like only a 17,983 square foot house can be.

Very late last night, our intrepid researcher and tipster Mugsy Fairweather dialed Your Mama on the bat phone to let us know that Mister Weiner's house had hit the open market with a dull thud, all 9 bedrooms, 13 bathrooms, ballroom, and private racquetball court of it.

This is not the first time Your Mama has discussed Mister Wiener's colossal crib. Shortly after we discussed the much more modest digs Miss Nicky Hilton purchased on Sierra Alta Way, the children were screaming for more information on the monstrous mansion next door to the hotel heiress' new abode. So Your Mama got on the horn to our Fairy Godmother and consulted all the property records we could locate and gave a brief run down of the history of celebrity ownership of the property. In summation, the property was first owned by department store heir Ted Fields, then basketball phenom Carlos Boozer (who leased it out to little purple Prince), and now Mister Weiner, who isn't really a celebrity in the real sense of the word, but certainly runs in the same crowds and haunts the same hot spots as all the glitterati and celebutards in Los Angeles.

Listing information for the property offers a long list of the dee-luxe features of the home which in addition to palatial public rooms include a 2,000 square foot master suite, a commercial elevator (because a regular residential elevator was just not good enough), a tennis court with phenomenal views of the city, art studio, library/study, love, media room, office, service entrance, den and a 5 bedroom detached guests house.

Poor little rich kid Mister Weiner's Hollywood Hills "Villa in the Sky" is not the only Hollywood Hills house he has on the market. Over on Franklin Avenue, young Mister Weiner owns another house he's been trying to unload since October of 2006. Your Mama wrote about that piece of work back in late January of 2007, and as of this morning it's still available with a current asking price of $3,500,000, which $1,500,000 clams less than it was originally put on the market.

And, as one of the smart and savvy commenters noted, young Mister Weiner does indeed also own "The Fortress," one of the more recognizable and notable homes on hideously curvy and dangerous Sunset Plaza Drive. That contemporary concrete and glass confection is currently languishing on the market for $12,900,000 after having been reduced in price several times.

Your Mama does not know how Mister Weiner and his real estate agent came up with the asking price of $22,000,000, but information that has been provided to Your Mamas reveals that the unfortunately named Mister Weiner only purchased the big house in September of 2005 for $8,600,000. Now, the listing does state that the kitchen has recently renovated ad there's a new "resort style grotto pool," but we can't imagine those things justify a $13,000,000 increase in the value of the property in just two years. Can you?

If we're being honest children, and Your Mama always is, we aren't convinced that even a massive army of Los Angeles' most talented and nice gay decorators could save this house. Some house are, sadly, just beyond help.

Your Mama isn't really sure what sort of person would be in the market for a $22,000,000 house like this. A Russian billionaire? A Texan Tycoon? A Middle Eastern potentate's mistress? Seriously, who? There just can't be that many people willing plunk down 20,000,000+ clams for a house this ugly.

None the less, Your Mama wishes Mister Weiner and his not so lucky real estate agent all sorts of dumb luck finding a ready, willing, and able buyer. Maybe, just maybe, there's a blind billionaire out there who dreams of using the new "resort style grotto pool" to become the next Hugh Hefner. Bring on the slutty bitches, because this house was built for 'em.

Richard Gere Is Moving In With Bono

For the last several days, Your Mama has been reading the myriad and many reports about Richard Gere being seen going in and out of and looking to buy a unit at "Palazzo Chupi," the strange and unusual West Village building recently erected by bigger than life artist and filmmaker Julian Schnabel.

Interestingly, most reports state that Mister Gere needs to sell his Sullivan Street townhouse before he can buy one of the $10,000,00+ units at the "Palazzo Chupi," but that's simply not true. Not only did Mister Gere and his acturuss wifey Carey Lowell sell their five floor townhouse in June of 2007 for $12,850,000, New York Magazine (via the Wall Street Journal) is reporting that the Dalai Lama lovin' couple have indeed snapped up on of Mister Schnabel's units which features double-height ceilings, six-foot tall fireplaces, and an earthenware or marble bathtub. No purchase price was revealed, but Your Mama is certain every real estate gossip in New York is digging and clamoring for that number. We'd like it too, of course.

In addition to Mister Schnabel and wifey Olatz's private apartment and massive art studio, the building includes four additional units in the 14-story pinkish reddish neo-Romanesque-ish tower. If today's reports are true, Mister Gere and Miz Lowell are the third buyer into the building that will also reportedly house financial honcho William J.B. Brady who paid a reported $15,500,000 for a unit, and U2 front man/global do-gooder Bono.who has snapped up the penthouse duplex for an unknown, but presumed quite large sum of money.

The building features a communal swimming pool and while we would be mortified to see Mister Schnabel sunning himself in an itty bitty bathing suit, we can not say we feel the same about Mister Gere, whom Your Mama thinks is aging quite nicely, thank you very much.

Michael Vick Makes Us Want to Vomit

SELLER: Michael Vick
LOCATION: Darlington Run, Duluth, GA
PRICE: $4,500,000
SIZE: 10,563 square feet, 7 bedrooms, 8.5 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Not only does Your Mama care little about football and football players (sorry children, that's just the way it is), we like animal torturers even less. In fact, as far as Your Mama is concerned, people who mistreat animals are nothing more than living breathing pieces of puke.

And it would seem from recent press reports that footballer Michael Vick, who allegedly has herpes, is the lowest of the low. After all, this is a man who owned a house with a dog rape machine. Yes children, a dog rape machine, which is apparently used to breed dogs. Just typing that gives us the goose bumps and turns our stomach. If Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter had our way, we'd stick Mister Vick in his dog rape machine and let anyone with a mind to take a turn on his damn backside.

Anyhoo, we're here to discuss the real estate and not Mister Vicks morals, or lack thereof. Earlier today Your Mama received word from the Savannah Snitch that the former Falcon from Atlanta has put his suburban mansion on the market for $4,500,000. According to listing information, the 10,518 square foot house sits on a 1.5+ acre lake front lot in a gated development at the Sugarloaf Country Club. Your Mama imagines the place needs to be cleared of all the dog fighting trophies, which might explain why listing information for the property currently does not include photos. Fortunately Your Mama received a photo of the front of the house from the Picture Fairy so that the children can see how well groomed the place is. The listing does indicate that in addition to all the standard features, Big Vick's big ass house includes 7 bedrooms, 8.5 bathrooms, a walk out basement, library/office, a gym, and his and her bathroom in the master suite. Just imagine what sort of woman would marry a man who breeds and fights dogs just so she could have her own bathroom. Yikes.

But children, this is NOT the house where the alleged illegal dogfighting and dog raping took place. Mister Vick sold that house, which is actually in Smithfield, Virginia, earlier in the year at a rock bottom price, no doubt eager as a beaver to get the thing off his bloody hands. Your Mama has been told by multiple sources that house being sold is Mister Vicks' actual residence during football season. Considering he's more than likely on his way to the big house and has been suspended from the Falcons, he won't be needing this suburban Atlanta mansion anymore.

When and if pictures become available we'll consider putting them up, but we've already given Mister Vick more time and energy than we like so we'll just have to see what sort of mood Your Mama is in when the pictures become available. Gawd, we need to go take a nerve pill and love on our beloved pooches Linda and Beverly.

Lenny Kravitz Must Be Outta His Mind

SELLER: Lenny Kravitz
LOCATION: Crosby Street, New York, NY
PRICE: $19,500,000
SIZE: 5,818 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 7 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: This spectacular duplex PH loft with 6000 SF of interior space and 3000 SF of outdoor space has been newly redesigned and renovated with no expense spared to create the most luxurious and important property downtown...A suspended glass staircase leads to the 2nd level which features the Mstr BR w/ a sitting area, a huge Mstr Bth and 3 addtl. BRs each with their own bath. Another glass staircase leads to an enormous roof deck w/ a built in barbecue.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: If anyone would like to buy a little slice of Lenny Kravitz real estate crazy, it's back on the market for $19,500,000. And once again the SoHo duplex penthouse is causing quite a stir among the celebrity real estate gossips in New York City just as it did when it first hit the market back in 2002. According to the property records we accessed, the much pierced and tattooed Mister Kravitz purchased the apartment in April of 2001 for $2,036,000, which seems like a low and quite possibly inaccurate number AND it's been reported he paid around $8,000,000, and also that he paid $7,100,000. Not sure what give with that discrepancy. Anyhoo, the singer-songwriter quickly put it back on the market for $17,000,000, or $13,500,000 depending on who you ask. (The listing agent, in a New York Times article, says the $17M number was some sort of an error based on an inaccurate press report.)

Whatever the case, the palatial penthouse found no buyers and eventually the price dipped to $12,500,000. However, listing agents for the property claim that the nearly 6,000 square foot building topper could not be shown much during that period because it was leased first to Oscar winning Aussie actress Nicole Kidman (who was reportedly engaged to Mister Kravitz at the time) and later to Oscar winning actor Denzel Washington. Guess Mister Kravitz travels in the lauded and award winning circles.

According to an recent article in the New York Times, and a subsequent report on Curbed, after Mister Kravitz's celebrity tenants vacated the premises, the colossal condominium was taken off the market and given a full scale make over to the tune of $1,000,000. Instead of the glass grand piano, ostrich feather pendant lights, and scads of orange molded plastic chairs on the roof terrace that filled up the space previously, Mister Kravitz and his design team of nine turned the place into an African fantasy penthouse meets a Las Vegas high roller suite with acres of shag carpeting, fur couches, zebra skin chairs and all sorts of phallic and faux elephant tusks.

Oh, and it was also given a new price tag of $19,500,000

The penthouse sits atop the very same Crosby Street building where messy rocker Courtney Love infamously lived and reportedly harassed Miz NicoleKidman in the elevator, tossed bottles from the windows of her 4,200 square foot unit which got her hauled off to Bellevue, reportedly trashed lobby of the building, and occasionally forgot to make her mortgage payments. Along with all the hoopla that has surrounded Miz Love's occupation of the building and the trials and tribulations of trying to sell of Mister Kravitz's penthouse, there has been quite a brouhaha regarding the the singer/songwriters backed up terlits. Apparently the plumbing backed up, and several tenants on lower floors have attempted to sue the leather pants off Mister Kravitz for damage done to their luxe lofts below. We presume that for $19,500,000, this terlit issue has been cleaned up.

Your Mama does not know if this place just has bad juju left over from the always dirty looking Mister Kravitz, who sorta scares Your Mama, or if it's because the place always looks decked out like some kind of night club. Or maybe it's more simple than either of those notions, and the place is simply priced way to high. Whatever the case, Mister Kravitz has had a devil of a time unloading the place. According to the New York Times article, a Britsh businessman did come close to signing on the dotted line, but alas, the deal fell through.

Lenny either does not need the money from the sale of this apartment or he thinks his celebrity status makes actual market value for the place irrelevant or he's just outta of ever lovin' mind. Did anyone tell him that the gorgeous duplex penthouse directly next door, in the very same building, very similar size and layout with a big roof terrace sold in April of 2007 for just $12,500,000? Hmm. So it's really unlikely that some doofus, even Wall Street doofus swimming in bonus cash, is going to come along and pay an extra $7,000,000 for Mister Kravitz's shag carpet and animal skin emporium.

Just our humble and meaningless opinion. None the less Your Mama wishes Mister Kravitz and his team of crack real estate agents, who we have no doubt are bending over backwards to sell this white elephant, all the luck in the world. It would seem they're going to need it.

The Foreclosure Bizness

Oh dear. According to celebrated celebrity real estate columnist Braden Keil in his recent Gimme Shelter column in the New York Post, Veronica Hearst, the much younger widow of Randolph A. Hearst, step-mother of former SLA hostage Patty Hearst, and mother of one of New York's more glittering social gadabouts Fabiola Beracasa, has some serious real estate woes.

The high flying and big spending socialite lives in a massive apartment on Fifth Avenue that overlooks Central Park in Manhattan, but like so many socialites of a certain ilk and tax bracket, the Widow Hearst also owns a freakishly huge mansion in Palm Beach that Mister Keil reports has gone into foreclosure. Yes puppies, you read that correctly. Sometimes even the fabulously wealthy have cash flow problems.

The 52-room, 28,000 square foot behemoth, dubbed "Villa Venezia," includes four kitchens and was purchased in July 2000 for $29,870,000, which at the time was more money than any sugar baron or metals magnate had ever paid for a residential property in Palm Beach County. Five months later, as bad luck would have it, Mister Hearst, the scion and heir to William Randolph Hearst's media fortune, died of a massive stroke at the ripe old age of 85. Now children, what Your Mama wants to know is what foolishness possessed an 85 year old man, even one as rich as the Pope and married to a much younger socialite hottie, to buy a damn $30,000,000 mansion? Honestly, that was just stoopid, all due respect.
Anyhoo, the 3.5 acre estate (pictured above), with both ocean and intracoastal waterway frontage, has been for sale for a loooong time and was discussed on RADAR back in April of 2007 shortly after the asking price had been reduced to the bargain basement price of $27,000,000. Why is that a bargain basement price the children might fairly ask? Well, according to Mister Keil, the Widow Hearst recently defaulted on mortgages and loans totaling a mind bending $33,000,000, and apparently a West Palm Beach judge refused to stop the foreclosure proceedings on the monster mansion. Uh-oh.

One of Keils many inside sources told him, "When Randy died, he didn't leave her enough money to take care of the house. It's all tied up in trusts - and she's a big spender." And the Widow Hearst herself told Mister Keil that she is merely refinancing her debt and that, "There was a conflict of interest. The original terms were incorrect. We are resolving our issues."

Hmm. Something seems fishy here.

The Widow Hearst's foreclosure woes are not the only foreclosure woes in the world of celebrity and quasi-celebrity real estate. A tipster we'll call Chatty Cathy tells Your Mama that Nicole Murphy, Eddie Murphy's ex-wife and baby mama, is also in default on a mammoth mansion in Granite Bay–which is just outside Sacramento, Calif.–that she was awarded in the couple's 2006 dee-vorce. At first we did not know whether to believe Chatty Cathy, but then she sweetly sent Your Mama that actual documents which plainly show that as of mid-September 2007, the ex-Mrs. Murphy was arrears to the tune of $78,000 and some change. According to the document, foreclosure proceedings had not begun, but the notice of default was clear that unless the back mortgage monies were paid, the house would go to foreclosure. More Uh-oh.
As was reported on September 29 by Mister Big Time, ex-Mrs. Murphy has the 11,158 square foot mansion (pictured above) on the market for $6,500,000. Children, you should really have a look at the photos on Mister Big Time's site, because the 10 bedroom and 14 bathroom pile looks like the sort of place Saddam Hussein might have constructed and furnished for one of his concubines. Note to historians, Your Mama does not have any idea if Saddam Hussein had concubines, but if he did, we imagine they would have been shacked up in a distasteful place like this.
As the children may recall, the Granite Bay estate is not the only house that ex-Mrs. Murphy recently plunked onto the market. She also recently listed her tremendous 9,214 square foot Calabasas casa (pictured above) with 6 bedrooms and 8 bathrooms for an Louis Vuitton pocketbook filling $9,995,000.

The lesson here for all you poor dears with foreclosure and mortgage problems is that you can rest a little easier knowing that even people who seem to live big and phat sometimes have trouble making their payments.

Brad Garrett's Malibu Mansion

BUYER: Brad Garrett
LOCATION: Pacific Coast Highway, Malibu, CA
PRICE: $8,814,588
SIZE: 6,526 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 6.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Spanish villa on approx. 1 acre. Completed in June 2005. State of the art amenities include home theater with 11 ft screen & theater seats, hardwood & Travertine floors, high ceilings, Venetian plaster walls, whole house entertainment system, Malibu tiles, chef's kitchen. Living room with doors opening to large patio, pool & hot tub. Two 20car garages + motor court.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Your Mama and one of our favorite tipsters Lucy Spillerguts were chatting the other day, and she mentioned big and tall Brad Garrett's Malibu mansion like Your Mama knew all about it. We did not. So Miz Spillerguts gave me all the 411 she had and Your Mama quickly got on the horn to our Fairy Godmother in Malee-boo who was able to provide us with all the missing information.

Turns out that back in January of 2007, Mister Garret discreetly purchased a newly built Spanish style house on nearly and acre of prime property on the Encinal Bluffs at the northern end of Malee-boo. According to property records, Mister Garrett paid $8,814,588 for the 6,000+ square foot house that includes 5 bedrooms and an impressive, but annoying to the maid 6.5 bathrooms, which means 7 terlits for Carmelita to scrub and polish until the Comet eats away her fingerprints.

Perhaps this is where the Emmy winning Mister Garrett, who shot to fame and fortune on the outrageously successful sitcom Everybody Loves Raymond, will move once his monstrous Hidden Hills house finally finds a buyer willing to plunk down more than $8,000,000 to purchase his recently built "French Country manor."

The furniture and interior decor we see in the photographs do NOT belong to Mister Garrett, so we don't blame him for the too small chandelier in the dining room or that strange thing hanging over the island in the kitchen that appears to be a cluster of grapes and garlic. This is probably meant to look charming, warm, and "Spanish," but it just makes Your Mama's eyes roll back in our head.

If we're being truthful, and Your Mama always its, there's really very little in the interior photos that we like very much. This sort of faux Andalusian style with heavy and intricately carved furniture and cabinets chock full of decorative plates just doesn't work for us. But after viewing and discussing Mister Garrett's Hidden Hills house, we certainly understand why he (and the wifey if they are still coupled) would be drawn to this house.

While we're quite sure it's lovely to have a theater-like media room in the basement for viewing all the movies the studio sends out to the starts, and the seats in Mister Garrett's look very comfortable, there's something stifling about this particular media space that we can't quite put our finger on. Could it be the all beige color scheme that leaves the space looking strangely empty? Could it be that it looks too much like a finished basement, which happens to be one of Your Mama's pet peeves?

What we do appreciate about this house is the lovely covered patio off the living room which is of course an excellent place to sip gin and tonics out of the burning California sunshine and we are also drawn to the ocean side pool, because what could be more decadent and luxurious than swimming in a heated pool while staring out at the usually chilly Pacific Ocean? And of course, the Dr. Cooter loves a built in spa, particularly one from which the sunset can be watched while sucking on a bottle of Turley wine.

It appears that the property, which sits on a very high bluff, has no direct access to the beach unless one scrambles and tumbles down the vertical face of the bluff. There is public access to the beach just a quick stroll up the Pacific Coast Highway, but for nearly $9,000,000 Your Mama would hope for private beach access. Perhaps the sellers and/or Mister Garrett have already applied to the California Coastal Commission for permission to build an long and heart attack inducing staircase to the beach.

Some of Mister Garrett's more well known neighbors include Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, who are just down the highway, Cindy Crawford and her huzband Randy Gerber, who are just up the highway, and Mister Leonardo DiCaprio, who very quietly purchased the $6,350,000 house next door in January of 2007.

UPDATE: Linda Evans

Several weeks ago Your Mama discussed the Beverly Hills Post Office property that Dynasty ack-tress Linda Evans recently put on the rental market for $14,500 per month. At the time, the listing lacked photographs.

But the other day our Fairy Godmother in Bel Air sent us over a few photos of the house that have popped up with the listing and Your Mama figured the children would be interested in seeing what Miz Evans' bought with her Dynasty money.

And hunnies, as you can plainly see, she did not buy herself a Carrington-worthy mansion. In fact, it's just a little brick ranch house with a big circular driveway to impress the neighbors and an itty bitty backyard that's all swimming pool and a little shaded brick patio

The house looks remarkably dark for sun splashed Los Angeles, and the furniture looks like a strange amalgamation of pieces purchased at high end thrift stores...the sorts of places where all the aged Republican Bev Hills biddies drop of the reproduction pieces when their huzband finally coughs up the cash to buy a jen-u-wine antique.

But then again, this is a rental property for Miz Evans, who resides in Washington state so that she can be closer to her spiritual guru, so we can understand why she's filled the place up with less treasured furniture. Who wants to worry about some asshole tenant spilling red wine on a "good" sofa, you know?

Your Mama does wonder why Miz Evans keeps this house at all. Does she harbor fantasies of a come back to the small screen? Does she use the place when she's in town for a tune up? What gives?

Children...

...please be patient. There is apparently some problem uploading photos that our lovely blog host Blogger is working on. We'd aplogize for the delay in getting you some good celebrity real estate porn, but it's not Your Mama's fault.

Kate Moss Selling London House

SELLER: Kate Moss
LOCATION: Melina Place, London, UK
PRICE: $6,600,000 (3,250,000 pounds)
SIZE: 3 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Hidden behind a walled garden lies this enchanting but deceptively spacious freehold house. With real character and offered in beautiful decorative condition, the accommodation is configured as 2 bedrooms but could easily be rearranged. Further accommodation includes an L-shaped reception room leading to a study/tv room and a lovely, bright and airy kitchen/breakfast room.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Strangely, Your Mama has almost nothing to say about Kate Moss. We are perplexed and bewildered that we draw a blank when thinking about her. But we'll try to discuss her London home none the less. Lest the children think Your Mama scours the London real estate pages, we would like to thank our tipster Mister Smiley for directing Your Mama to Miss Moss' London residence.

Soon after super slim multi-millionaire model and single mommy Kate Moss has dumped drugged out and bisexual Babyshambles singer Pete Doherty, she quickly went and engaged herself to The Kills guitarist Jamie Hince and put her London house on the market for a fat $6,600,000. Perhaps there are too many memories of pasty faced Pete on Melina Place?

Your Mama doesn't have a clue how to search property records for London properties, so we can't tell the children when Miss Moss purchased this house, or how much she paid for the place. Although Your Mama as been to London many times, we typically become impossibly turned around and frequently lost navigating the jumbled criss-cross of roads and lanes and can only place Miss Moss' house after consulting a map. Melina place is a small dead end lane just off Abbey Road (the Abbey Road made famous by the Beatles, we presume) in the area just north of Marylebone and west of Regents Park. We're certain the neighborhood has a name and distinct character, but Your Mama regrets to inform that we don't know what they are. If any of our British compatriots would like to chime in, we're happy to sit for a geography lesson on London neighborhoods.

What we do know about Miss Moss' house comes from the listing information provided by the estate agents. According to the listing, the residence is currently arranged with two bedrooms, but can easily be reconfigured to a three bedroom. The estate agents have thoughtfully included a floor plan which shows a three floor layout with 2.5 bathrooms.

Most of the photos of the property are painfully small, and Your Mama's eyes aren't what they used to be, so it's rather difficult for us to comment on the interior decor other than to say it does not appear that the stylish mannequin consulted one of London's numerous and talented nice gay decorators who surely would not have approved those awful black curtains in the kitchen. Nor do we think the too-girlish pink paint in the lady's bedroom would have been green lighted by any sensible decorator, gay or straight.

In the absence of large and juicy photos, we can at least discuss the floor plan which reveals a home well suited for a single person about town or perhaps a couple on the go who likes to have a few friends round for cocktails. Given the garret style rooms on the third floor (or second floor if you're a Brit), it does not however, lend itself well to a hipster mommy of a small child with a live in nanny and a rotating cast of daddy figures. Honestly children, we don't have any idea if the wonderfully photogenic Miss Moss has a live in nanny, but we don't know how a gurl can dash off to Ibiza on a moments notice and stay up all night with her musician boyfriend without one.

Anyhoo, Your Mama rather likes the floor plan, at least on the ground floor. The upstairs configuration is an utter mess. The large window and French doors in the ground floor sitting room help to maintain a visual relationship with the pretty little green and walled garden at the front of the property, and it appears there is a fireplace for warming the footsies and tootsies on the cold and damp London nights, both excellent features in Your Mama's book.

Like we find at Miss Moss' house, Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter prefer a separate kitchen over one of those "great room" set ups so popular in Middle American tract homes where one is forced to look at the dirty dishes and kitchen appliances while trying to relax in front of the boob tube watching reruns of Style with Elsa Klensch.

We dig the back hall/utility area which allows one to whisk dinner directly from the kitchen to the dining room without risk of spilling soup on the funky couture Angela Adams rug we'd lay down in the sitting room. Tucking the powder room back there was genius, because there is nothing worse than having to listen to your guests tinkle while you're cutting the cheese appetizer in the sitting room.

Our floor plan love ends as we ascend the curving staircase to the second floor which has been given over entirely to the master suite. Your Mama digs the large bedroom which provides enough square footage for a sitting area, and the custom fitted dressing room is lovely. But note that the bedroom, bathroom, and sitting room are all separated by a public hall. Who wants to spend more than $6,000,000 clams for a house that requires you to trek across the hall stark nekkid in the middle of the night to use the terlit? As the children might imagine we're also troubled by the location of the shower. It does appear to be roomy, which is a plus, but what's it doing in the dressing room? Surely a clever architect could have resolved this program better than this.

Up into the third floor and we find two smallish rooms and a bathroom. Note that one of the rooms is oddly shaped, ridiculously tiny and must be passed through to access the bathroom. Not exactly a swell layout unless the rooms are configured as a guest suite with bedroom, sitting room and bath. It would seem almost cruel to stick the kids up there in that jigsaw puzzle like suite of rooms where the only closet or storage space appears to be tucked into eaves in the bathroom.

We know London real estate is freakishly and frightfully expensive, so perhaps this house, even with its upsetting bedroom configuration, is a bargain at $6,600,000. Miss Moss has not returned out calls so we haven't a clue where to pin thin and moe-dell is planning on moving, but wherever it is, we can only hope the new place has a more accommodating and free flowing layout.

Gwyneth Paltrow Gets All Fancy in Amagansett

OWNER: Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin
LOCATION: Old Montauk Highway, Amagansett, NY
PRICE: $5,400,000
SIZE: 6,800 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 7.5 bathrooms

Gwyneth Paltrow really has it all doesn't she? a Hollywood pedigree, a sexy rock star huzband, two children with clever names, an Oscar, paychecks that soar to $10,000,000 per movie, and several high priced houses filled with all the "right" contemporary design and walls full of art by famous arteests. Da-yum.

For years the flaxen haired actress spent summers shacked up with her godfather Steven Spielberg at his East Hampton estate near Georgica Pond. In fact, she and her Coldplay front man huzband Chris Martin were hitched on the property. But once the young couple started pushing out babies, it was time for a Hamptons home of their own. So Gwynnie and Chris went a house hunting.

During the Summer of 2006, according to Mister Braden Keil at the New York Post, the young and oh so fabulous couple settled on a 6,800 square foot house on 2.25 acres on Old Montauk Highway in sleepy Amagansett. Mister Keil reveals that the couple paid $5,400,000 for the 5 bedroom 7.5 bathroom house that includes nanny quarters (natch), ocean views and a large swimming pool. Mister Keil later wrote that over this last summer, Gwynnie and her huzband had the neighbors fuming when they erected a very tall cedar wall around the property. They have also, according to Keil's sources, added a very high-tech security system, so don't any of you knuckle heads get the not very wise idea to hop in your hoopdies and head out to the Hamptons thinking you're going to get a glimpse of Gwynnie in her designer leotard doing yoga and pilates in her newly constructed exercise studio. You'll never get past the gate, and if you did, the East Hampton po-po will have you in handcuffs before you even step on to the gravel driveway.

Anyhoo, Miss Paltrow, who was lambasted in the American press for publicly saying, and later denying, that she preferred to live in London because the British are "more intelligent and civilized than Americans," opened her Hamptons digs to the photographers for the recent issue of House & Garden (H&G) magazine. This can only mean one thing...she'll be selling the place soon. Children, we have no inside information about Miss Paltrow or any scientific proof, but it is Your Mama's theory that an a-list celeb who has the interior of his or her house extensively photographed for a big glossy interior design magazine is gearing up to sell it. Just a theory, kids, so don't go telling every moron that Gwynnie is selling her Hamptons house, because it's just a theory.

There's Gwynnie in the first photo from H&G, looking radiant in her Marc Jacobs dress and smiling like a Cheshire cat, no doubt a semi-conscious effort to put to rest her ice princess reputation. Behind her hang a pair of Warhols, presumably silkscreens, presumably very expensive. In the living room we find a pair of sofas covered in the palest of blue fabric and a trio of excellent photographs above the apparently never been used fireplace. In the foyer, where the stylist has stylishly left a pair of Mister Martin's black high top Converse sneakers, the couple have brought a little bit of London to the Hamptons with a large needlepoint artwork depicting the Crown jewels by artist Ann Carrington, who often uses refuse and detritus as her materials.

Although the overall feel of the house is a bit more feminine in style than Your Mama prefers, and it's all just a little too unruffled and perfect for our taste, we are digging the stair hall with it's classic cottage architecture juxtaposed against a magnificent "chandelier" created from a trio of gorgeous silver orbs by Tom Dixon. Naturally Miss Gwyneth has used wallpaper extensively throughout the house, because like Gwynnie herself, wall coverings are very on top of things design- and fashion-wise. Your Mama appreciates the $22,500 Tord Boontje chandelier made with Swarovski crystals, but we don't think a mostly pink dining room would stimulate our appetite. Does anyone really eat in this room?

Into the kitchen and we find the courageous choice to paint the cabinetry with a flat charcoal-colored paint. A decision that could have gone remarkably wrong, but instead works beautifully to anchor the light and airy space. It is Your Mama's humble opinion that the two white chandeliers push the space into feeling over designed, but generally speaking, we're digging this large and well laid out kitchen.

Oh look, there's Gwynnie now, ankle deep in her heated swimming pool with her cute little pool house behind her. Can't you just see Gwynnie in an obscenely expensive bikini sitting in the shade of the pool house in order to keep her alabaster skin, well, alabaster. The lower two photos show the new yoga and pilates studio, which Miz Paltrow admits is an extravagance, but also claims to use every day the family is in residence, justifying it's expense and folly. Judging from Miz Paltrow's lithe and supple bahdee, we think she's probably telling the truth about her daily workout routine.

In London, the family shacks up in a swank and rumored to be haunted Belsize Park mansion they bought in 2004 for a reported $5,700,000 from fellow celebrity couple Kate Winslet and Sam Mendes. Because one mansion apparently isn't enough for the family of four, the exceedingly rich celebs purchased the mansion next door so they would have more space.

The couple has also been on a selling and buying spree in New York City. In June 2007, the couple made a killing when they unloaded their 8,442 square foot TriBeCa condo for $13,650,000. See children, they paid just $7,950,000 for the Annabelle Selldorf designed five floor townhouse-like penthouse just two years earlier. How many times has Your Mama told the children that one of the many ways rich celebrities get even richer is buying ridiculously expensive real estate and selling it on at exorbitant profits?

The Paltrow/Martin clan is not homeless in New York City. Oh no babies, In March of 2007, before the couple sold off the tremendous TriBeCa condo mentioned above, the peripatetic couple spent $5,100,000 to purchase a much more modestly sized 3,892 square foot penthouse at the newly built River Lofts, also in TriBeCa. The three bedroom 3.5 bathroom penthouse may not have a roof top pool and three laundry rooms like their previous digs did, but it still has a couple of terraces and loads of closet space in the master bedroom for all of Gwynnie's designer duds.

Miz Paltrow must be a master multi-tasker. Between making movies, raising babies and doting on her huzband, where does Miz Paltrow, a self described encyclopedia of design who claims she's very hands on with the design and decor of her homes, find the time to select guest bathroom towels and patio furniture for all three of of her new and new-ish homes? Do we really believe she doesn't have a small army of nice gay decorators?

Your Mama's head is spinning with all the real estate doings of Miz Paltrow and Mister Martin, so we're going to head out into the fresh air with our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly for a short stroll to help clear our head and steady our frazzled mind.

Sources: Eric Cahan (photos)

It's the Palazzo Chupi for Bono

BUYER: Bono
SELLER: Julian Schnabel
LOCATION: West 11th Street, New York, NY
PRICE: Who knows?
SIZE: A big duplex

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Bono, the globe trotting do-gooder lead singer of U2, currently owns a 3,500 square foot duplex in the south tower of the venerable San Remo apartment building on the Upper West Side of Manhatan that he bought in August of 2003 from Apple CEO Steve Jobs for a reported $14,500,000. Many celebrities have or do call the San Remo home, including but not limited to Steven Spielberg, Dustin Hoffman, Donna Karan, and Demi Moore.

However, Bono has recently been battling another celebrity neighbor, Billy Squier, over the plumes of smoke from Mister Squier's fireplace that somehow infiltrates Bono's penthouse. According to the website Curbed (sourced from The Villager), the aging rocker has tired of this dispute and will soon be decamping for a downtown duplex penthouse at "Palazzo Chupi," the quixotic and controversial West Village building (pictured above) built by 1980s art world bad boy and filmmaker Julian Schnabel.

Since it's inception, the vaguely Venetian and quasi Florentine style building has raised the considerable ire of the Greenwich Village Society for Historic Preservation (G.V.S.H.P), who at first argued that the 14 story building (3 original floors, 11 added on top) should never have been built due to neighborhood building height restrictions. Since the scaffolding and netting was removed in June 2007, many neighbors and a gentleman named Mister Berman, who heads up the G.V.S.H.P., are outraged and apoplectic over the vibrant color. Mister Schnabel thinks it's Pompeii red, other say it's hot pink. Which ever color it is, Your Mama thinks it is striking and quite fetching. Why must all new York buildings be either all glass or some boring variation of brick/brown color?

The building itself, however, is rather grisly, a disfigured concoction of balconies, balustrades and bizarrely arched windows. Clearly "Palazzo Chupi" will not win any architectural awards. Even still, Your Mama confesses, we sort of like the place. After too many years of hideously generic buildings going up all over lower Manhattan, and too many modern glass towers being built by big name architects, we find it refreshing to see a building with a strong point of view and a quirky and odd sense of itself. Is it pretty? No. Is it pleasing to the eye? Not really. But like Mister Schnabel, it's loud, intense and a little out of control, and we admire that the bombastic artist went out on a limb and built a building that is brash, thought provoking and has people taking all up and down the nearby Westside Highway.

If in fact the reports and rumors are true, Bono is only the second buyer in the building, besides of course Mister Schnabel who will occupy a vast apartment and utilize considerable square footage as studio space. It was only on the Second of October that Mister Max Abelson, a real estate gossip and journalist at the New York Observer, reported that financier William J.B. Brady recently became the first to close on a condo at the "Palazzo Chupi," having paid $15,500,000 for "Unit 1."

Lest the children think they can simply ring up any old real estate agent to get a glimpse of the apartments, let Your Mama educate you. If you want to buy one of the two remaining units at the "Palazzo Chupi," you must somehow get your interest in the building transmitted to the capricious Mister Schnabel, who has not listed the units with a broker. Apparently Mister Schnabel is negotiating all the deals himself, probably while wearing his pajamas.

What Your Mama really wants to know is not the hows and whys of Mister Schnabel's much talked about "Palazzo Chupi," but rather, why it is that Mister Bono is never seen without a pair of those ridiculous tinted glasses on his face? Anyone?

Sources: Toni Dalton for The Villager (photo)

Marilyn Manson's Suburban Dream

SELLER: Brian Warner, aka Marilyn Manson
LOCATION: Laramie Avenue, Chatsworth, CA
PRICE: $1,100,000
SIZE: 4,484 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 4.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Celebrity owned privately gated Mediterranean estate. Perched above street level on over 1/2 acre of totally private grounds. The one level floor plan boasts an over sized family room, separate office/library, home theatre room and more. Hardwood floors underscore the majority of the nearly 4,500 square foot floor plan. Property has been rebuilt since original construction. The huge rear grounds boast a pool, covered cabana, and a tremendous amount of rolling lawns all with beautiful views.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Suburban Chatsworth, 30+ miles north of the glitz and glamour of Beverly Hills, has long been considered the unofficial capital of the porn industry. Since March of 2003 it's also been home to controversial shock rocker Marilyn Manson, who was born with the much less interesting name Brian Warner. While the local citizenry won't likely rid the city of of its porn capital reputation, they will soon be saying goodbye to the bewigged and heavily made up musician who recently put his 5 bedroom and 4.5 bathroom Mediterranean manse on the market for $1,100,000.

The intelligent and usually articulate Mister Manson has said he left the white hot center of Los Angeles for the comparatively quiet Chatsworth in the aftermath of the chilling and tragic school shootings in Columbine, about which the button pushing singer took a lot of heat because many felt that his music influenced the shooters. Your Mama thinks that's hogwash and finger pointers would be better off looking elsewhere in their efforts to assign blame, but that's another topic for another blog.

Anyhoo, Mister Manson was married to and once occupied this 4,484 square foot suburban dream house with the sublime and ridiculously beautiful burlesque dancer Dita Von Teese. But Miss Von Teese dumped the make up loving rock star in late 2006 amid rumors that he was having relations with teenage actress Evan Rachel Wood. They denied the accusations, but of course, Mister Manson and Miss Wood are now a gruesome twosome about town, so make of Miss Teese's suspicions what you will.

Although we can't be sure, it appears from the photographs that Mister Manson and his teenage lover have vacated the premises. We suspect that may be the case because we don't seen any evidence of the Nazi memorabilia Mister Manson is known to have amassed. Nor do we spy the African masks made of human skin or the skeleton of the four year old Chinese boy the controversial collector has been reported to own. See children, Mister Manson's penchant for shocking middle Americans is not just an act he puts on while on stage or in front of a camera. He really is a strange and peculiar individual whose rebellious streak, while certainly packaged and manipulated for publicity, is not in and of itself a publicity stunt.

Don't misunderstand Your Mama, we think he's weird too. But we are not particularly bothered or threatened by his putrid public persona or his contrarian sensibilities. Nor are we upset by his attraction to polemical and creepy objects. Your Mama thinks there's a lot more upsetting and disturbing in the world to fret over than Mister Manson's taxidermy baboons. Like littering. And Mister Manson's questionable taste in real estate and interior decor.

Perhaps this house looked more interesting and put together before the real estate agent wisely had Mister Manson clear the place of dead animals and human remains, but we're not convinced. Listing information for the property states that property has been entirely rebuilt since it was originally constructed in 1938, but looking at that wacky 1980s era kitchen, it appears to Your Mama that some of the rebuilding happened 20 years ago or more. We also find the sad duo of crystal chandeliers a desperate and ineffective attempt to add a Gothic twist to what is really a very ugly and very suburban kitchen.

The photos also indicate that Mister Mansion installed a recording studio, which Your Mama imagines was very convenient for the musician. But did he have to lay down that gawd-awful purple carpet? We get it...purple is all goth rocker royalty, but damn that is offensive. Your Mama recommends the children always say no to any urge they might have for purple carpeting and then consult a doctor about said urge for purple carpeting.

Property records show that Mister Manson purchased the house in March of 2003 for $1,270,000. An interesting figure, because the half-acre property is on the market for just $1,100,000. Which indicates that after the real estate fees are paid, Mister Manson could lose up to $250,000 on the transaction, an almost unheard of situation in what has been an electric real estate market in Los Angeles. Perhaps this is because the market has cooled. Perhaps this it just might be difficult to find someone to buy a residence once occupied by the goth rocker. Or maybe it's because he's trying to liquidate his assets as a result of the huge lawsuit filed against him by a former band member. Or maybe it's that trashy cracked driveway that's going to turn off buyers before they even get into the house and see the black tile, teal walls and purple carpet.

Whatever the case, Mister Mansion, who can likely financially weather a $250,000 loss, is going to lose his tight leather pants on the deal. As of this morning Your Mama does not know where Mister Manson and his teenage luvah are planning on shacking up, but our guess is it will not be in Chatsworth.

Weekend Update

It's leaf peeping season on the East Coast, and Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter decided to pack our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly into the big BMW and head on up to upstate New York to partake in the russet colored turning of the seasons. Last time we took our pussycat Sugar in the big BMW, she managed to puke, defecate and shred her carrier and since Your Mama was unwilling to take on that feline drama once again, poor Sugar had to stay home alone. So, along with every other urbanite looking for a weekend of autumnal beauty and freshly picked apples, off we flew up the Hudson, over the Shawangunks and to the pastoral spread of our pals Flower and Grandma Bunny, who just completed a magazine spread worthy renovation of their 1940s honeymoon cottage.

Most people outside of New York City might imagine that all rich and famous folks spend their big bucks buying shingled behemoths in the Hamptons. But in truth, the hills, dales and valleys of upstate New York are positively littered with the bucolic retreats of those with household names. While Your Mama is too tired and too bizzy to give y'all a complete run down of every celebrity we know of with a house north of New Paltz, we thought you might be interested to see a few snaps of a couple celebrity weekend getaways that happen to be near the rural residence of our pals Flower and Grandma Bunny.

The photo above is a lovely autumnal vista taken from just behind the home of an actual celebrity, an actress whose name Your Mama feels compelled to keep in our vault. See children, this is a celebrity with whom we are friendly, and if we ever want to be invited back to her lovely house to see the goats, we'd better keep her name to our self.

Just up the road from our mystery celeb's pastoral farmlette is a stunning 160+ acre property just outside of Accord, NY that is rumored to belong to wonky toothed folk singing sensation Jewel (two photos above). Did the children hear Your Mama? RUMORED. Property records reflect the pretty and freshly renovated stone house is actually owned by a woman who lives in New York City, but there are upstate realtors who specialize in this area who commonly tell people that the property belongs to Jewel. Our pal Grandma Bunny also SWEARS she has seen Jewel on the property. So it's a little bit of a conundrum, because the local scuttlebutt is that it belongs to Jewel, but we can't find any evidence of her owing the property.

We complete our upstate celebrity home tour with the strange and unusual house near Kripplebush that is owned by the peculiar and Academy Award nominated actor Willem Dafoe (two pictures above). The children will note that Mister Dafoe's 3 bedroom and 2.5 bathroom house, which sits on a 6.8 acre piece of property, is a dark and modern confection of mis-matched shapes and angles. Contemporary architecture is certainly no stranger in the upstate vernacular of weekend houses, however, Mister Dafoe's house is most unconventional in that the black exterior cladding is neoprene. Yes puppies, Your Mama said neoprene, the very material that is used to make wet suits. The unexpected material does give the house a hostile and wicked presence on the property, but also, because of the non reflective and "soft" nature of neoprene, the house feels much warmer and more inviting than you might imagine from the photos.

Your Mama is back in New York City–for the moment anyway–the Dr. Cooter is back to fixing the crazy people, our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly are sleeping the sleep of the worn out pooch, and Sugar, well...y'all prolly know how angry pussycats can get when they're left alone...Sugar won't so much as look at Your Mama or the Dr. Cooter.

Nicole Richie Slept Here

SELLER: Nicole Richie
LOCATION: "Empire West," 1100 Alta Loma Road, West Hollywood, CA
PRICE: $2,300,000
SIZE: 2,246 square feet, 2 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Fabulous south city views. 2BD/2.5BA with den. All rooms have balconies. Distressed cherry wood floors throughout. Coved ceilings. Recessed lights. Master bath with carrara marble, separate tub and shower. 2nd bathroom in limestone. Empire West full service w/valet rooftop pool and tennis Court.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: It was bound to happen sooner or later, and it appears that famous for being the sake of being famous Nicole Richie has put her West Hollywood high-rise condominium on the market. As all the children already know, Miz Richie became a household name as a result of her tabloid dominating association with the ex-convict/scandal queen Paris Hilton, her stick figure body, and for being stopped by the po-po loaded on Valium and the wacky tabacky while driving the wrong damn way on a bizzy highway in Los Angeles. Having lived all that down, no doubt with the help of an overworked publicist, Miz Richie, the ever evolving tabloid mistress, now dominates the gossip glossies because she's unwed and preggers with the spawn of Good Charlotte front man Joel Madden.

Property records reveal that Miz Richie purchased her 10th floor unit at Empire West in March of 2005 for $1,180,000. Measuring 2,246 square feet, the unit faces South with views of the the urban and suburban sprawl of Los Angeles. This is the very same apartment where Miz Richie's cat amazingly survived a fall off her 10th floor balcony. The two bedroom and 2.5 bathroom unit has balconies all around and sits on top of an apartment that is owned by the intriguing actress Dyan Cannon.

Miz Richie and her baby daddy Joel Madden have been making the rounds among celebrity real estate gossips for quite some time. There has been speculation about their shacking up since at least February of 2007 and in late August, the National Enquirer broke a story about Miz Richie's ridiculously rich daddy Lionel purchasing the newly pregnant young couple a 2,274 square foot townhouse in Century City as some sort of a surprise gift. That purchase was later written about by Mister Big Time who revealed that the unit had been purchased from actor Dennis Franz for $1,200,000.

The young, rich and heavily tattooed Madden already owns a freshly renovated house in suburban Glendale, and that the also heavily tattooed Richie already owns a 2,200+ square foot apartment in West Hollywood, so Your Mama found it perplexing that Big Daddy Richie would buy the young couple yet another place to shack up and live in sin. Then we remembered that Big Daddy Richie recently moved into a monstrous new mansion on Copley Place adjacent to the Los Angeles Country Club, which happens to be just north of Century City and just a few minutes drive from the newly purchased condo. The close proximity will make it easier for the aging crooner to babysit his illegitimate grandchild, should the couple actually move there.

However, there have also been recent reports that the tattooed twosome are on the hunt for a family style house in a suburban, family style location. Your Mama recently read, but for the life of our long bodied bitches we can't recall where we read it, that the once all about town duo are searching far flung suburban locales such as Calabasas and the Agoura Hills for the house of their family dreams. Which might further explain why Miz Richie's daddy bought them and in town townhouse...so they would have someplace to stay when they drop the kid off at his house so they can attend the opening of a Pinkberry or need to stop by The Ivy to have their picture taken by all the paparazzi who regularly camp out front.

Your Mama was about as surprised as we could be by the interior decor of Miz Richie's West Hollywood high rise habitat. We expected to find a light filled aerie with smoothly contemporary furniture and knick knacks that were bought all up and down Robertson and Beverly Boulevards by her coterie of nice gay decorators. But instead it would appear that Miz Richie had the place worked over in a style more suited to a middle aged dee-vorcee than a wild child party princess with an indulgent daddy and an overflowing Marc Jacobs handbag. Your Mama thinks the place looks like her mommy and daddy Richie sent over all their left over furniture from Bel Air and then sent over their accomplished, but not very forward thinking decorator to pull the mostly traditional hodge podge together. Not a good idea.

Honestly Nicole, what is up with your formal living room? That room has far more in common with a pinched and pulled Bev Hills doyenne than it does with a young power player among the Hollywood it gurl scene. Your Mama is mortified by that big beige sectional, and we are about to fall over from flabbergast over those upsetting floral ottomans. Unless you are over 60 and/or a WASP, just say no to floral ottomans like this. Trust Your Mama on that one, children.

The den, with it's lush wood paneled walls and big view, is only marginally better. However, please note the Victorian settee on the far wall. Is this some sort of family heirloom or did Miz Richie and her team of decorators have simultaneous brain aneurysms that caused them to think that purchase was a wise idea? It was not. At least not for this space.

Not being amongst Miz Richie's confidants, we don't know which of the two bedrooms in the photos she sleeps, but what does it matter? One of the bedrooms looks like that of an old woman and the other looks like a masculine themed bedroom that came straight out of a decorator's show house. Your Mama can't imagine poor Miz Richie or her rock star baby daddy being able to get a good night's rest in either of these abominations masquerading as bedrooms. It's not that the rooms are complete and utter crimes against interior design, it's that they are not appropriate for young gun Hollywood types in their mid twenties.

The master bathroom, well appointed with carrara marble counter tops, a separate tub and shower, and a well lit make up counter, is perfectly suited for getting oneself together for a premiere...if you're 65 damn years old. Nicole, hunny, you are too young to be living up in an old lady's residence like this.

Your Mama can only hope that when Miz Richie and her baby daddy buy a suburban spread for their growing family that they have the smarts to hire a decorator who will give them a house befitting of a couple of young parents with lots of tattoos and glamorous lifestyles. If either of you need a reference to a nice gay decorator who an help with that, please let Your Mama know, because we'd L.O.V.E. to help you out with this.

Your Mama would like to thank a snitch we call Leonard Loudmouth for letting this cat out of the bag, which is certainly better than letting the cat fall off the balcony.

Melissa McCarthy in the Shadow of the P.D.C.

SELLER: Melissa McCarthy
LOCATION: Huntley Drive, West Hollywood, CA
PRICE: $1,515,000
SIZE: 1,284 square feet, 2 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: A private tranquil retreat in the trendy "WeHo" area. Steps to Urth Cafe, Pink Berry, Kreiss Furniture, and shops. The light open floor plan is appointed with high end textiles. Details include: hard wood floors, stainless steel appliances, designer paint, tiled bathrooms, custom built-ins, stone driveway, tropical landscape. Bonus: gorgeous backhouse, with kitchen, bathroom and loft. A perfect home with a geat vibe.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Your Mama can count the number of times we watched the sappy, saccharine, and extremely cliché television program The Gilmore Girls on one gnarled hand. We can't remember the names of the principal actors, but somehow Your Mama recalls the fat and funny best friend role of Sookie St. James, which was well played by comedic ack-tress Melissa McCarthy. Although the show made us want to puke from all the life lessons and warm fuzzies, who can forget a ladee chef with the exquisite name Sookie St. James? Say it with Your Mama children: Sookie St. James. It is our sincere belief that Sookie St. James would be an excellent name for a cat. Had we thought of it before, Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter might have named our prickly pussycat Sookie St. James instead of Sugar. Say it again out loud: Sookie St. James. It's good, right?

Anyhoo, Miz McCarthy, who is apparently a cuzzin to Playboy model and Jim Carry's lady friend Jenny McCarthy, recently pushed out a baby and we expect the screaming baby might have something to do with her selling the petite and vaguely Spanish style West Hollywood cottage she purchased in September of 2005 for $1,234,000.

Of course most Angelenos would not even consider doing it, but what's nice about this West Hollywood location is that you can easily and quickly walk over to celeb heavy Robertson Boulevard where paparazzi courting celebutards like Britney Spears, Rumor Willis, and the pre-rehab Lindsay Lohan go to have their pictures taken on their way in and out of The Ivy and Kitson.

What Your Mama does not think is so nice about this particular location is that the Pacific Design Center, which backs up to Miz McCarthy's property, looms over the property in a menacing sort of way. Certainly there could be worse neighbors than a mammoth complex of blue and green glass buildings filled with sassy, mincing and nice gay decorators buying obscenely expensive furniture and knick-knacks for their wealthy clients. But we're not sure we'd want to be sitting in our tiny backyard having to listen to the aesthetes shriek "fabulous!" and "that's di-voon" and "oh my gawd that is a-may-zing" day in and day out.

At just 1,284 square feet, the house is on the small side, even for Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter, who prefer a modestly sized abode. Let's look beyond all the beige furniture, which we hate, and concentrate on the renovated kitchen and bathrooms. We are thankful not to see another kitchen with cherry cabinetry with all sorts of ridiculous raised panels, carved corbels and black granite. It's thrilling to see a simply, but luxuriously designed kitchen that not only looks good, but also looks like a proper and well appointed machine for cooking. Although it's not necessary in our design book, we think that a gorgeous red-ish Persian carpet in here would really throw the room over the top in a good way. Your Mama is a wee bit concerned that there is no access to the outside from the kitchen, but it could be that the egress is just not seen in the photograph.

The bathrooms also appear to be recently renovated, and while they're not going to win any high design awards, they look like reasonably comfortable places in which to do the durty bizness. We can only hope the smaller bathroom with the gorgeous wood floors has a window.

The main house, with just two bedrooms and two bathrooms might be a tad small for most people. There is a large guest house that includes a bathroom and a kitchen, which is an excellent and highly desirable feature for Your Mama. We love a guest house so that when our people come to visit there is a comfortable and well appointed place to stash them that keeps them out of our cranky hair early in the morning and out of ear shot late in the evening.

Additional drawbacks for Your Mama are that there is no room for a swimming pool in the back yard. Maybe, just maybe, a plunge pool could be wedged in back there, but that would mean our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly would leave almost no place to run their little legs. Another drawback is that the immediate neighborhood is a mix of modest houses and small apartment complexes, which can sometimes mean it's difficult to find street parking. Other pluses include that the property is hedged gated for extra privacy and security, and it appears there is off street parking for at least three automobiles.

All in all Miz McCarthy's place looks like a good set up. But if Your Mama is being honest, and we always are, we think we could find something a little better located for the same amount of money.

Your Mama wishes Miz McCarthy health and happiness for her new baby and we look forward to the house warming at your new house, wherever that may be.

Dawn Parouse In Hancock Park

SELLER: Dawn Parouse and Jonathan Feldman
LOCATION: S. Lucerne, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $3,395,000
SIZE: 3,966 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 4 bedrooms
DESCRIPTION: On one of Windsor Square's finest streets, this classic Mediterranean has been lovingly updated and expanded. Center hall plan with everything just where it should be. Four generous bedrooms, three bathrooms and wide hallway up and fifth bedroom down. Large elegant living room opening to beautiful sun room overlooking lush rear yard. Large formal dining room and beautiful new kitchen.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: We lied. We're going to give the kids a little morsel before we head out the door to do our civic doody.

Remember a day or two or three ago Your mama discussed the Hancock Park house of Lost act-ur-us Cynthia Watros Gilliland and we thought that for the same money we could find something more suitable and interesting?

Well we did, right in Hancock Park for 405,000 fewer clams than Miz Watros Gilliland's "French Country" mess. The house belongs to Dawn Parouse, an executive producer with impressive credits like Prison Break, Tru Calling, and Point Pleasant, a television program we only vaguely remember hearing about.

Your Mama happens to love this house with it's 3,966 square feet of dark floored gorgeousness. We love the contemporary and vibe and furniture mish-mash mixed with the traditional architecture and classic chandeliers. We are in love with the way strong colors were used against all the white and pale paint colors. Of course, we are jumping up and down over all the white sofas, white curtains and white cabinetry.

This place is not perfect–we'd recommend a nice red or blue area rug in the living room, we'd prefer to see more aggressively modern artwork on the walls, and obviously a bit more furniture in the family room where the television is kept is necessary. But children, if you ever wondered what the inside of Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter's residences look like, well wonder no more. Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter have a bit more mid-century modern pieces sprinkled throughout, but the color palette in Miz Parouse's home makes Your Mama feel right at home. If similar taste in interior decor is any indication of whether two people will get along, then Your Mama and Miz Parouse should get along like a house on fire.

Now of course children, we recognize that there is not a swimming pool in the backyard, which is a real drawback. But for the $405,000 difference in price between this house and that of Miz Watros Gilliland, a lovely and spectacular rectangular pool can be put in lickety split.

While Your Mama is out doing our civic doody, discuss with all the intelligence, sass, and bite that you can muster.

Your Mama Regrets to Inform...

...that we have been called to do our civic doody and as such will be settin' around a courthouse all day long reading the tabs and The New Yorker waiting to be selected for a jury.

Yes babies, this means we won't have access to our faithful laptop computer and we will not be bringing you any information or discussion on celebrity real estate this morning.

If the good lahwd is on our side we'll be released from our civic doody at a reasonable time and Your Mama will see if we can get some food for the children for this afternoon.

Nothing we can do about the jury doody, so just set tight children and please don't kill each other is a verbal shoot out while we are away.

Bye now.

Leonardo DiCaprio's New York City Rental

RENTER: Leonardo DiCaprio
LOCATION: Walker Street, New York, NY
PRICE: $35,000 / month
SIZE: 3,200 square feet (approx.), 3 bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Three bedrooms, ech with their own ensuite baths and Poliform closets & Tre-Piu doors, rest on the first floor accented by Wenge wood floors, while the living room, dining area, and the Varenna kitchen are below. Also featured on this level finished with limestone floors throughout is a 1,500 square foot private garden complete with a full size private swimming pool and built-in Jacuzzi, private sauna with adjacent steam shower. With a Crestron sound system installed and 5 flat-screen plasma TVs, this is perfect for the discerning eye with a flair for the utmost level of finishing touches.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Yes children, we know that all this was reported back in June of 2007 by Braden Keil in the New York Post and subsequently on Gawker, but rare is the apartment in New York City that has a private swimming pool, so we thought we'd give it another toss through the blog cycle.

Located on newly swanky Walker Street in TriBeCa, this ground floor duplex apartment is the very place a-list actor Leonardo DiCaprio leased over the summer while in New York filming "Revolutionary Road," which is a far better book written by the amazing Richard Yates than a movie could ever be, even in the sublime hands of a director like Sam Mendes. Sorry, but that's just Your Mama's opinion...some books are just too good as books to turn into films, and children, this is one of them.

Your Mama is going to make another confession here that very well may not be popular with many of the children: We don't get Leo DiCaprio. We find him frightfully uninteresting, not nearly as good looking as we're always reading he is, and we're a little concerned that as he gets older, his model gurlfriends just get younger. He seems to be modeling his career and dating life on that of the legendary Jack Nicholson, and if you ask Your Mama, that's just stoopid.

Anyhoo, let's move on to the real estate. While it certainly sounds impressive, and it is indeed remarkably unusual for a Manhattan apartment to have a private swimming pool, Your Mama is not so sure that this particular swimming pool is very practical. First of all, it's not large enough to swim laps, which means as an exercise apparatus you are relegated to water aerobics only.

Secondly, the photographs are a wee bit deceptive in that, like with most ground floor outdoor space in New York City, there is really very little privacy. The backyard and swimming pool is completely surrounded by apartment buildings that all have visual access right down on to the pool deck. So be assured there was no nude sunbathing or frolicking happening here by Mister DiCaprio and his moe-dell gurlfriend Bar Rafaeli.

Sketches of the pool area (like that shown on the Gawker site) indicate there is supposed to be some sort of covering over the swimming pool, but none of the photos we located show this covering has actually been built. Obviously that would help with at least some of the privacy issues.

But it's not all about the swimming pool here. The building also offers residents a "cyber doorman," whatever that is. The interior of the apartment has been fitted with all sorts of high grade materials like Wenge wood, a Varenna kitchen and Poliform closets. All very nice and very expensive, but honestly, it's all been put together in a very standard and not very inspiring manner. Your Mama would love to see what a nice gay decorator could do with a couple of assistants and a couple hundred thousand dollars in paint, artwork and furniture.

Your Mama also notes a couple of issues with the layout. We appreciate the that apartment was given a proper and large entrance hall on the upper floor, but we do not like one bit that after descending the stair case, you wind up in the dining room. We would have chosen to put the kitchen at the back of what is currently the living room. This would make the current dining room and kitchen area the living room and the current living room an open plan dining room and kitchen, a much more sensible flow in our play book of space planning.

We're also a little perplexed by the sauna room. Your Mama loves nothing better than to sit around in a wooden room and sweat out the gin and toxins, but it concerns and bothers us that in order to access this sauna, one must exit the apartment and dash through what we assume is common building space. For $9,000,000 clams Your Mama does not care to have the neighbors to see us dashing around wrapped in nothing but an itty bitty towel.

Apparently Mister DiCaprio and his moe-dell friend have vacated the premises, because the 3,200 square foot duplex with 3 bedrooms and 3.5 bathroom has come back on the market. Mister Keil at the NY Post reported Mister DiCaprio was paying $35,000 per month to lease the unit which Gawker reported had also been for sale at $7,500,000. Apparently a temporary celebrity tenant drives up the price, because the place is currently available for lease at $40,000 per month and for sale at $8,995,000. Any takers?

Where, Oh Where Has Clay Aiken Gone?

SELLER: Clay Aiken
LOCATION: 9509 University Terrace Drive, Charlotte, NC
PRICE: $71,000 (sale)
SIZE: 1,096 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Before he was an American Idol with scads of obsessive and delusional fans called "Claymates," and long before the public internet sex scandals, Clay Aiken was just a boy from North Carolina with a throat of gold who worked with mentally challenged people.

Back then, Miss Aiken, who has always denied he is a homosex, was living in a naughty little apartment complex in Charlotte, NC, where he matriculated and perhaps fellated to his hearts content out of the glare of the paparazzi. According to Mister Big Time (and property records), back in May of 2000, Miss Aiken purchased a 1,096 square foot apartment spitting distance from his alma mater, Univ. of N. Carolina at Charlotte. Property records indicate the apartment features 4 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms and that Miss Aiken paid just $67,500. No babies, there are no numbers missing from that figure, North Carolina is just cheap. Although Your Mama has no confirmation of this, we assume Miss Thing lived there until he was thrust into stardom in 2003 when he became the American Idol runner up. Mister Big Time tells us that Miss Aiken recently sold the apartment for just $71,000. We can't imagine that he managed to squeeze any profit from that sale.

Not long after becoming a household name, the young man moved West and bought a big house in Chatsworth, CA, which happens to be the porn capital of Los Angeles. Miss Aiken just might be a size queen because property records show that the big house he bought in Chatsworth measures a whopping 7,986 square feet with six bedrooms and 7 bathrooms. If anyone were to ask Your Mama, and of course no one did, that is just too many damn terlits for a bizzy and single guy to scrub, which may be why property records reveal the alleged man lover sold the place less than one year later.

Supposedly Miss Aiken is building or already completed a house for himself in his hometown of Raleigh, North Carolina. Strangely, Miss Thing did not invite Your Mama to the housewarming so we don't know if he actually did build a new house or if he's back to living in some tawdry little apartment complex somewhere. Perhaps a disgruntled Claymate shocked by the rumors of Miss Aiken's alleged proclivities will contact contact Your Mama and fill in that gap.

The Jolie-Pitts Take Manhattan

Although Miz Angelina Jolie has long owned a condominium at the historic and swank Ansonia building on the Upper West Side, celebrity real estate gossip Braden Keil at the New York Post reports today that the a-list couple and their multi-cultural brood are shacking up at the uber luxe and hyper secure Waldorf Towers on the east side of Midtown Manhattan.

Everyone who is anyone with any power or real money has bedded down at the Waldorf Astoria Hotel and/or the Waldorf Towers, where talent free hotel heiress Paris Hilton grew up roaming the halls and where her family still maintains a residence. But the Hiltons are only the bottom of the barrel of rich, famous and powerful people who have temporarily called the hoity toity hotel home.

Not only has every US President since Herbert Hoover checked in to the aristocratic and extremely dignified digs, so have just about every other head of state including Winston Churchill, Nikita Khruschev, Queen Elizabeth, and shoe ho Imelda Marcos.

Mister Keil reports that the gargantuan, freshly renovated and fully furnished suite the Jolie-Pitts have leased for a "nearly $100,000" a month sprawls over 6,000 square feet with five to six bedrooms, and a huge gourmet kitchen and "up to six baths." Hmm.

While Your Mama can not be sure, we think Mister Keil's description sounds suspiciously like the old Cole Porter suite. Mister Porter occupied a huge suite on the 33rd floor of the Waldorf Towers for a couple of decades before he passed. That unit, as the children can see below on the floor plan, has five bedrooms and 5.5 bathrooms. Also noted on the floor plan is that the "garden room" which could easily be converted to a bedroom, and a half bathroom which could easily be converted to a full bath. Voila!
After Mister Porter came the sublime singer Peggy Lee who reportedly leased the place for a short time before crooner Frank Sinatra and his wifey Barbara leased the monster apartment for nearly a decade.

A little birdie named Timmy Tattletale tells Your Mama that in the Spring of 2007, the contents of the suite were put up for auction. Timmy also provided us with a number of photos of the suite BEFORE the recent renovation (see below) of the Porter/Sinatra suite. Now children, please, remember that the photos below are BEFORE the recent renovation, so while Your Mama expects the current decor reflects a similar sort of Upper East Side sumptuousness, the photos do not reflect the suite in its current configuration and decor. Also, Your Mama would like to again say that we do not have confirmation that the Jolie-Pitts have leased the Porter/Sinatra suite. We've simply put two and two together and come up with plausible gossip and speculation.
Does all this mean that the Jolie-Pitts have relocated to Manhattan, or is this just another of their short term living situations? Remember when they bought that big house in New Orleans and "lived" down there?

Your Mama would like all the children to keep in mind that security at the Waldorf complex is extremely tight, tight enough to shelter visiting heads of state comfortably and safely. So if any of you ignorant fanatics think you're going to get up in the place and knock on the front door of the Jolie-Pitt's pad, expect to be unceremoniously escorted to the nearest police station by big and brawny security guards or, depending on who is in town, man-handled by Secret Service agents who have the ability to make you disappear like you were never born. Seriously kids, don't let Your Mama catch you even thinking of trying to bother these people.

Cynthia Watros Gilliland's Hancock Park House Is Lost On Us

SELLER: Cynthia Watros Gilliland
LOCATION: S. McCadden Place, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $3,799,000
SIZE: 3,572 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 4.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: 1920s French Country style reminiscent of the romantic Loire Valley updated to modern expectations w/ exquisite finish work & detailing throughout. Exclusive Hancock Park 5 BD + 4.5 BA home w/ separate GSTHSE; For DR; LR w/ FPL; Wood-paneled LIB; HWD & custom tile flrs; Gourmet eat-in kitchen; Expansive grounds feature swimmer' pool; Spa; Cabana; Grassy yard & outdoor patio w/ built-in BBQ area; Gated & private.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Cynthia Watros who? Your Mama didn't have a clue who this ladee is until we took to the internets. We thought she might be some minor actress with a rich huzband, but turns out behatcha has a bonified career with a long list of credits.

Cynthia Watros Gilliland is perhaps one of the few lucky women in Hollywood. Not only is she a working and successful ack-tur-us who has been fortunate to have a regular pay check for most of her career, she has not been pushed to act like one of the many deeply tanned mindless bimbets that wander the streets of Los Angeles with puffed up lips and unnaturally round boobs screwing producers and hoping for a career in front of the camera.

Miz Gilliland has won a Daytime Emmy award for her 1990s role on Guiding Light and subsequently appeared on such small screen programs as Titus and The Drew Carey Show. Most recently she plied her trade as Libby the psychologist on the cult favorite program Lost. But before we put a halo over her head, let's recall that in late 2005 the mother of twins was pulled over and arrested on DUI charges along with her naughty Lost co-star Michelle Rodriguez. Both women were axed from the show shortly after, but producers swear their exit had nothing to do with their illegal activities.

Anyhoo, let's move on to the real estate. Miz Gilland and her huzband, a restaurateur/real estate developer, purchased their Hancock Park house in March of 2003 for $1,430,000. Which means that if the couple get anywhere near their asking price, they'll pocket around $2,000,000 and become instant net worth millionaires. Yes children, we know the Los Angeles real estate market has been scorching hot the last six or seven years, and more recently the Hancock Park area has had a resurgence in popularity and a hike in prices, but let's be honest, this just seems plain greedy.

Your Mama has never been to the Loire Valley, so we can't confirm or deny whether Miz Gilliland's Hancock Park house is or is not reminiscent of the rural area, as the listing states. But we will say that if this is what the Loire Valley looks like, we don't care to go there. No offense to the French (we love Paris, the Jura and the South), but this house just does not jive with Your Mama's sense of things.

It's not that we hate this house, it's decor, or even that we think the place is done up in bad taste. It's not. It's just that Your Mama does not understand this sort of interior decorating at all. See hunnies, Your Mama would never dream of having a floral print sofa, a quartet of blue leather wing back chairs surrounding a game table, or a free standing bathtub with a ledge wide enough for the backsides of all but the most obeast. However, we expect that all the traditionalist Francophiles out there will think this place is lovely, cozy and homey. C'est la vie.

The back yard, with it's lovely rectangular swimming pool is nice and the brick surround is nice too. The listing states there is a guest house, which of course Your Mama appreciates, and we like the little cabana with it's striped roof. But it's all pretty ordinary for a house pushing up on a $4,000,000 price tag.

With all due respect to Mister and Missus Gilliland, Your Mama thinks we could do a lot better for this amount of money.

UPDATE: Britney Spears

Your Mama finally got some clarification about the Malee-boo property where the increasingly troubled and now child-free pop tart Britney Spears has been living since she vacated the marital house of horrors she shared with FedEx up in the guard gated Serra Retreat.

The Malibu Minx, one of Your Mama's favorite and knowledgeable tipsters, tells us that the trashy party princess has NOT purchased the 8,500 square foot house on gated Ramirez Canyon Road as we had previously thought.

Turns out the mega-rich lip syncher, who reportedly earns a shocking and astounding $700,000 per month, has leased the place for nine months at a cost of $35,000 per month (unfurnished), with an option to purchase.

We know that the gurl stays in hotels most nights and she still has her place up in The Summit in Bev Hills which is still for sale at $7,495,000, but she's still paying $35,000 a month to occupy the house in Malee-boo, regardless of how many nights she actually sleeps there.

Your Mama also hears from the Malibu Minx that Miz Spears had to put an massive six figure deposit down on the property. The deposit will count towards the purchase of the home if she buys the property. But if the fickle money burner decides not to buy the property, the Malibu Minx says she forfeits the deposit.

Now children, most people, even rich people, will not walk away from humongous sum of money like this, but Your Mama no longer know what crazy thing Miz Spears will do. Given her bizarre behavior and her tremendous monthly income, what's a couple hundred thousand clams to the troubled mommy?

One other interesting tidbit we picked up from the Malibu Minx...apparently when push came to shove, Miz Spears did not want to sell the Serra Retreat house. According to the Malibu Minx, she tried to back out of the contract before the the sale closed. Lawyers got involved, tears were shed, and people got angry, but the sale did in fact finally proceed and close.

We got no love for the sort of pop "music" that Miz Spears "makes." But damn gurl, Your Mama would like to see you get back up on your feet for the sake of your babies.

Tyler Perry Shows Spread to Kanye West

SELLER: Tyler Perry
LOCATION: Beverly Ridge Terrace, Beverly Hills P.O., CA
SIZE: 22 acres
PRICE: $15,000,000
DESCRIPTION: Rare opportunity to own approximate 22 acres in one of the most exquisite and prestigious neighborhoods in Beverly Hills with expansive mountain/city views. This magnificent property is currently under construction, with plans for an approximate 22,000 Sq/ft Tuscan style home (the foundation and steel framing is already in place). Tennis court pad has been graded. Long dramatic driveway leads to this impressive promontory. Price is "As Is" - Not a complete home.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Apparently size matters to Mister Kanye West. Your Mama hears from a tipster we'll call Baby Bear, that the hissy fit throwing singer/rapper, who was once again rebuffed at the VMAs, recently spent some time wandering comedian Tyler Perry's nearly undeveloped 22-acre property in the super luxe guard gated Beverly Ridge Estates that has popped up on the market for $15,000,000.

Property records show that Mister Perry, who made vast sums of money dressing up as a sassy and saggy boobed old woman named Madea, purchased the 22-acre hill top plot of land in April of 2004 for an undisclosed sum of money. Listing information shows that Mister Perry intended to build a 22,000 square foot Mediterranean behemoth on the property, and in fact the land has already been graded and the foundation and steel framing already in place. Apparently he's changed his mind.

Mister Perry has been making all sorts of real estate moves lately, including selling an ocean front house in Malee-boo in April of 2007 which property records reveal was sold for $4,800,048. Although reports at the time stated Mister Perry wanted to spend more time at the large spread he owns outside af Atlanta, GA, property records indicate that in November of 2006 Mister Perry actually purchased a 8,751 square foot monstrous modern confection high up on Blue Jay Way in the Bird Streets for a $9,600,096. Lesson to ambitious drag queens around the world, sometimes wearing a dress can really pay off big.

Anyhoo, the children will remember that the guard gated Beverly Ridge Estates is the very same uber exclusive development where boy Paris (Latsis) bought gurl Paris (Hilton) an 11,206 square foot Mediterranean mansion back when they were stoopidly toying around with the idea of getting married. Now of course, gurl Paris has long moved on to her new house in Mulholland Estates, and no one who reads the tabs cares about boy Paris anymore.

No word on whether Kanye West, who very recently plunked down $7,150,000 for a 3,299 square foot fixer on N. Crescent Drive in the flats of Beverly Hills, will actually purchase Perry's 22 acre property. If you ask Your Mama, and of course, no one did, we think think he should. Twenty two acres and 22,000 square feet should be just about enough space to house Mister West's prodigious ego.

Soap Stud Sebastian Roche Buys Venice House

BUYER: Sebastian Roché
LOCATION: S. Victoria Avenue, Venice, CA
PRICE: $1,525,000 (sale)
SIZE: 2,064 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Classic Venice traditional home on rare large lot. Sparkling black bottom pool surrounded by enchanted private yard. Perfect entertaining. Pool has child resistant barrier.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Today we're going to piggy back on one of Mister Big Time's recent scoops about General Hospital soap stud Sebastian Roché's recent purchase of a cute little traditional style house in Venice.

Your Mama loves Venice. All the incense hawkers, doped up roller skating queens and muscle heads can get a wee bit annoying, but it's truly one of the few places in Los Angeles that is truly a multi-cultural melting pot where folks of different creeds and colors live, eat, shop and recreate together. It's also the only place in the City of Angels that reminds Your Mama of New York, where rich and poor, colored and not all ride the same subways and order sandwiches at the same delicatessens. Yes children, Bel Air and Beverly Hills are indeed filled with brown people, but let's be honest, they're mostly staff for the rich white people. And the Persians. But that does not a melting pot make.

Anyhoo, Your Mama does not watch General Hospital or any of the other daytime dramas, but according to the internets, the French born, bohemian bred Mister Roché has been quite bizzy lately playing villain Jerry Jax on General Hospital and making movies like Beowulf in which he will star opposite multi-cultural mommy Angelina Jolie. So clearly, the scruffy actor who for many years was based in Upstate New York needed a place in Los Angeles to bed down at night and entertain the ladies.

If you ask Your Mama, and of course, no one did, Mister Roché's choice of a modest, but very well maintained Venice traditional was a good one. Let's imagine the place stripped down and removed of all that boring and uninspired furniture we see in the photos, particularly those floral grandma sofas and mammoth book case in the living room and those ridiculous balloon valance things in the dining room. Let us also assume that Mister Roché will quickly rid the house of that wrong red paint in the dining room and that upsetting lavender paint in the bathroom. We'd also recommend losing the tan paint in the living room and the fleshy colored paint in the bedroom.

For the purposes of our discussion, let's also assume that Mister Roché is going to sink a few clams into a kitchen renovation, or at least will replace some of the appliances with more expensive and glamorous models. And finally, perhaps Mister Roché will have a good architect work out those funky ceiling angles in the family room.

After those simple fixes, it would seem then that we'd have ourselves a nice little house. Modestly sized at 2,064 square feet with just 3 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms, the house is an excellent Venice location and sits on a generous .24 acre lot according to property records. We know all the children East of Pasadena and West of New York City are going to say a .24 acre lot is tiny, but trust Your Mama when we tell you that .24 acres is big for the heart of Venice.

For Your Mama, it's really the wonderfully landscaped backyard set up that makes us hopeful Mister Roché will invite us over for a pool party. First off, we adore a covered patio area where we can lazily work the crosswords and sip gin and tonics while the Dr. Cooter and our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly soak up the sun pool side. We swoon over the big rectangular pool, and we totally appreciate the room behind the detached garage so that when Luther the masseuse comes over there's a private and quiet room dedicated to having the muscles mashed and kneaded.

Mister Big Time mentioned in his report that Mister Roché also owns a 117 acre estate in Upstate New York that he purchased with his now ex-wife, the up and coming actress Vera Farmiga. At least he used to. Property records may not yet reflect this, but well connected source whom Your Mama trusts implicitly tell us that Mister Roché recently sold the farm. It might amuse the children to know that Your Mama has actually been to Mister Rochés gorgeous (former) property in Upstate New York that includes a sensational swimming hole and a contemporary house built on the foundation of a former hotel/rooming house. The stunning property abuts another large parcel that is owned by actress Frances McDormand and film maker Joel Coen.

Now that he's spending more time in Los Angeles, Your Mama wishes Mister Roché all the house happiness in the world and we look forward to his handsome visage staring back at us from the big screen very soon.

Carmit Bachar Redux

Your Mama done got it wrong once again. We do our best, but alas...The other day we discussed a San Fernando Valley property we had been told was purchased by Carmit Bachar. But it was not. There was no intention to mislead by our source, and in fact it's our original source who has provided us with the correct information. So hear we go again, with the real house that Pussycat Doll Carmit Bachar recently purchased.
BUYER: Carmit Bachar
LOCATION: Bucknell Avenue, Valley Village, CA
PRICE: $699,900 (list)
SIZE: 1,656 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Private Pool Retreat! Located in a prime pocket area! Features an open living with fireplace, crown molding and hardwood floors. An over sized family room leads to an amazing wood deck patio. The master bedroom offers an updated bathroom with deep soaking tub & shower and private access to rear yard. The hall bathroom is remodeled with pedestal sink, large custom shower and quality fixtures. The rear grounds are professionally landscaped and boast a custom pool with wood tanning deck and more!

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: We could not be happier that Miss Bachar is purchasing this San Fernando Valley home rather than the piece of shit we thought she was buying. While this house is by all standards modest and moderately priced for the Los Angeles region, it actually looks like a house fit for a celebrity on salary like Miss Bachar.

Located just north of Studio City in a little known enclave called Valley Village, the location is easy access to the Burbank studios and is just a 10 minute drive into Hollywood.

The exterior of the house is just a run of the mill ranch house, but it's fully fenced and gated for privacy and security, always good things. According to the listing, the 1,656 square foot house has had recent upgrades in the bathrooms. No mention of an upgraded kitchen, so we assume Miss Bachar will be having that re-done with granite counters and stainless steel appliances like everyone else with a little money to throw around on home renovations.

Even though the house sits a little too close to Highway 101 for Your Mama's liking, it's the backyard that really makes this house worth whatever amount Miss Bachar paid for the place. We prefer nice rectangular swimming pool, but we also cotton to a retro kidney shaped pools too, particularly in Los Angeles where kidney shaped pools are as common as Chinese people in China.

So Miss Carmit Bachar, Your Mama wishes you a happy home in Valley Village and we're terribly sorry for associating you with that crapper in Van Nuys.

Billy Joel Buys Again

BUYER: Billy and Katie Lee Joel
LOCATION: Gibson Lane, Sagaponack, NY
PRICE: $12,999,000
SIZE: 1,500 square feet (approx.), 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Oceanfront Sagaponack. Just renovated...beach cottage. 3 bedrooms and 2 full baths. New kitchen, baths and floors. The whole house is freshly painted white. "Potential" for new home with pool and finished basement on 1.6 acres.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: According to Braden Keil in his recent Gimme Shelter column in the New York Post, mega rich singer and property maven Billy Joel has purchased another oceanfront property in swanky Sagaponack in the Hamptons. If the children will search the dark recesses of their minds, you'll recall that back in early June, 2007, Mister Joel forked over $16,500,000 to famed film actor Roy Scheider for a 5,000 square foot shingled ocean front house as a romantic gift for his wife Katie Lee. Ain't that sweet?

According to Keil, the notorious property hound, who has more houses than Your Mama can count on one hand, has reportedly gone to contract to purchase the property next door to the old Scheider place which was on the market for $12,999,000. Incorporating this property will give the couple another 1.2 to 1.6 acres (depending on the source), and another 140 feet of ocean frontage on topless sunbathing friendly Gibson Beach. Miss Katie Lee must be very secure that her man won't be sitting out on the veranda ogling all the tan titties next summer.

The new property includes a 1,500 square feet (approx.) shingled shack with 3 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms. Listing information states that the entire house has been freshly painted white, which is really the least one could hope for when purchasing a $12,999,000 house, even if it is just an obscenely expensive and crappy beach shack. Mister Keil reports that he hears the Joel's may turn the place into a recording studio.

When combined, the Joel's two property compound will encompass nearly three acres of prime ocean front property and will have cost him nearly $30,000,000. Which certainly sounds extravagant until you consider "Fair Field," industrialist Ira Rennert's 100,000+ square foot, 29 bedroom and 40 bathroom behemoth beach shack which is just a hop, skip, and evening stroll from the Joel's compound.

There are two more properties on Gibson Lane (not currently on the market as far as we know), and Your Mama has to wonder if Mister and Missus Joel are privately negotiating to purchase those properties as well. We haven't heard that rumor, but it certainly wouldn't surprise us at all.

The Old Tom Crooz Compound Available to Lease

LOCATION: N. Alpine Drive, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $100,000/month
SIZE: 6,685 square feet (main house), 9 bedroom, 9 bathrooms (total)
DESCRIPTION: Short or long term lease! Spectacular Beverly Hills estate hidden from the street. Approximately three acres with fabulous landscaping and guest house with 3 separate apartments, each with kitchen and bath. Tiled pool with spa and N/S lighted tennis court. 9 bedrooms, 9 baths in immaculate condition. New screening room.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Looks like the compound Tom Crooz had long leased on N. Alpine Drive in the most swanky section of flats of Beverly Hills has come up for lease at a staggering $100,000 per month. That's right puppies, we said $100,000 per month. But it's furnished, so that counts for something, right?

Property records show the main house, an English Country style pile built in 1927, measures 6,685 square feet with 5 bedrooms and 4 bathrooms. Your Mama assumes that most of the remainder of the bedrooms and bathrooms noted in the listing are contained in the detached guest quarters, which include three separate apartments each with kitchen and bathroom. Now we know where all the Crooz family members and Scientology staffers that were rumored to live up with the Crooz clan were housed.

Also on the very private and nearly three acre estate is covered parking for 8 cars, heated pool, sunken tennis court, formal gardens, and a new screening room, which is an improvement we imagine Mister Crooz made and paid to renovate before moving out. We've also heard and read somewhere–we can't remember where so don't quote Your Mama on this–that the property is heavily secured including a fair amount of razor wire.

Recently there were a number of reports that came out about the supposed sleeping arrangements of Mister and Missus Crooz at their house on N. Alpine Drive. According to reports, the couple maintained separate bedrooms because, you're gonna love this, because Tom Crooz snores and keeps the Missus awake. Uhm. Okay, whatever.

Anyhoo, according to reports, Mister Crooz occupied a suite of rooms in the North wing of the second floor and Missus Crooz, who lived in sin with her father figure before they were married, occupied a suite of rooms in the South wing that included a sitting room, parlor (whatever that is), bathroom and a bedroom. These rooms apparently included a small carousel (what!) and were filled with stuffed animals. Now, that is just gross and Your Mama hopes that part is not true. Seriously!

What grown woman puts a miniature carousel in her bedroom? And what respectable woman fills her bedroom with stuffed animals? Listen here ladees, and Missus Crooz, you too. It is fine to keep the important childhood doll or teddy bear or stuffed bunny or whatever, but it is disturbing and a upsetting for grown woman to have more than one stuffed animal in their bedroom. If you're older than 18, you are a woman and it's time to get rid of the stoopid stuffed animals. Really. Trust Your Mama on this one.

Anyhoo, the Crooz clan has decamped to their new Beverly Hills estate a few blocks away that they recently purchased from celebrity real estate uber agent Kurt Rappaport for a spine tingling and pocketbook busting $30,500,305.

Your Mama wonders, do they occupy separate wings of that 10,286 square foot house too?

Sources: Pacific Coast News (photo)

Kylie Bax Hollywood Hills Cave

SELLER: Kylie Bax
LOCATION: Kirkwood Drive, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $1,749,900
SIZE: 2,530 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Gorgeous Mediterranean home completely remodeled in 2002. Nestled in the hills, this private celebrity owned home features: celebrity height fencing for privacy, surveillance camera at front gate, attached 2 care garage, granite counters, stainless steel appliances, hardwood floors, and tumbled marble baths. The kitchen has a center island and nook with water feature outside, large living room, upstairs bonus/media room, and large master suite with walk-in, large bath w/ shower/spa tub and large deck.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Good grief, Your Mama is getting tired of looking at ugly damn houses and we know the children are too. But we got to discuss what we got to discuss, and this morning it is the poorly decorated Hollywood Hills house of catwalker Kylie Bax.

The super slim hipped Kylie was just another pritty gurl from New Zealand until the strange and fabulous Miss Karl Lagerfeld got his gloved hands on her, and transformed her into a short haired, bleached blond wunderkind moe-dell who strutted her tall and sexy stuff down all the best high fashion runways and had her pictures done by all the best photographers. Suffice to say that Miss Bax was a somewhat androgynous phenom back in her salad days as a mannequin.

More recently, the big breasted and sports loving Kiwi has stripped down for the pages of Sports Illustrated and stripped even farther down for the pages of Playboy, thus turning herself from the envy of fat gurls everywhere into the masturbation fantasy of countless mens who had never seen a Vogue or Harper's Bazaar magazine. And of course, like so many photogenic ladees, she's also been trying to make it as an ack-tur-us in Hollywood.

Your Mama has never even heard of the films Miss Bax has been featured, but whatever the case, she has been living up in the Hollywood Hills in this house which property records indicate she purchased in March of 2004 for $1,250,000. Conveniently located just up the road from the Laurel Canyon Country Store, where untold numbers of Laurel Canyon dwelling celebs buy their milk and cookies, Miss Bax's somewhat Mediterranean style house measures 2,530 square feet with three bedrooms and four bathrooms.

There are a few features of this hillside home that Your Mama appreciates quite a bit. We can always get behind an attached two car garage to keep the BMWs from getting banged up on the street, and that third floor covered terrace looks like an excellent spot for Miss Bax to relax and read scripts and for Your Mama to work the crossword puzzles.

Inside we find a renovated house with shiny wood floors to reflect what appears to be very little natural light. The kitchen looks all cherry wood, stainless steel and black granite, which is certainly luxurious, but not exactly interesting anymore since that every Tom, Dick and Sally with a few extra bucks to spare drops black granite down on their kitchen cabinets.

It's not really the house itself that Your Mama objects. It's the unimaginative and uninspired interiors. We understand that Miss Bax is now married with a couple of kids, but that does not mean the living room needs to look like some sort of room for wayward and unwanted furniture. Honestly people, what's with that monster television screen, the bean bag in the corner, and the obviously too small Persian rug that looks like it was bought on sale and in a moment of desperation? And the overhead light fixture? Ack! Kylie hunny, you are a model and know all about good lighting, so go out and get a table lamp or two. Overhead lighting like that is a disaster. Imagine how Miss Lagerfeld would recoil at walking into the living room sneering, "You want me to sit...herrrre? Under that light thing in the ceiling?"

Now children, we know that not every "celebrity" has the income or the inclination to hire a nice gay decorator to work their house. But surely Kylie has come in contact with a stylish homosexual or two in the fashion bizness who would be more than happy to give her a few pointers. If not, well then, Miss Bax, give Your Mama a shout and we'll hook you up with someone we know who can whip that place into shape for $5,000 or less.

Nic Cage Wakes to Find Naked Man...

...wandering around his $22,000,000 Newport Beach, CA mansion...and trying on his jacket!
Reports say Mister Cage escorted the intruder outside and then called the gated community's security who in turn called the police. There were no signs of a break in and reportedly, the nood intruder gave Mister Cage no trouble or hassle.

Strange but true.

Carmit Bachar Buys an Ugly House in Van Nuys

LOCATION: Califa Street, Van Nuys, CA
PRICE: $639,000 (list)
SIZE: 1,750 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: This property has been completely remodeled from top to bottom. Features all new roofs, electrical, plumbing, windows, driveways, and landscape. Home offers all new granite kitchen with custom cabinets and Pergo flooring thru-out. A true master bedroom with private bath, separate tube & shower and walk-in closet. Additional guest room behind garage offers private bathroom & kitchenette.

YOUR MAMAS UPDATE: Turns out Your Mama got it wrong and Miss Carmit Bachar did NOT buy this house, but rather she bought THIS HOUSE.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Celebrity real estate can't always be pretty children, so strap on your seat belts because Your Mama is going to take you on a wild ride through the tawdry and ugly little San Fernando Valley house that Pussycat Doll front woman Carmit Bachar has purchased. Or at least Your Mama was told by someone who would know that she's buying this house. Anyhoo, before we get to any specifics, we would like to sincerely tip our hat to the ladee for earning enough money as a professional dancer to buy herself a damn house. Yes, children, we know it's an ugly and not very well renovated ranch house in less than glamorous Van Nuys. But it's still a damn house, and how many professional dancers do you know who own their own house?

Trust Your Mama when we tell you that it's not easy being a professional dancer. And in a place like Los Angeles, it's doubly difficult because, let's be honest, most dancers in Los Angeles wind up naked strippers or, if their lucky, nearly nekkid video gurls who harbor dreams of living the Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman story. But alas, most just end up tired ol' strippers trying to make enough money to have their saggy chee-chees worked on by a surgeon who won't mangle and mutilate them so badly they can't shake their money maker for lonely and married men any more. Sad, but true.

Certainly Miss Bachar, has done her fair share of burlesque dancing–the Pussycats were a burlesque group long before they were an internationally known singing and dancing gurl group–and the Los Angeles native with a disturbingly unnatural shade of red hair has also worked her thing in a number of music videos for big name celebs like Gwen Stefani, Macy Gray, The Black Eyed Peas, and the queen diva herself, Madam Beyoncé, just to name a few. Miss Machar was also the Livin' La Vida Loca gurl in Ricky Martin's world tour back when he was shaking his bubble bon bon in a too tight pair of pantalones.

Now of course, Miss Bachar is strutting her stuff as a lead member of the Pussycat Dolls. According to most reports, being a member of the Pussycats means being paid a salary rather than a percentage of the profits, and judging from the depressingly average house Miss Bachar is buying in Van Nuys, the Pussycats are not being paid the big bucks by their bosses at Interscope Records.

Children, we are sorry to say, but this house is pretty much Your Mama's definition of real estate that induces deep depression. Where do we begin? The Van Nuys location? The flesh colored exterior? The Pergo (read: fake wood) floors? The kitchen that looks cheap and like the cabinets doors are going to fall off in 6 months or less? The "landscaped" backyard that looks like a neglected and vacant lot in a not so nice part of town? No offense to Miss Bachar, who we're sure is a lovely gal, but Your Mama would rather live in a rented one bedroom apartment than come home to this flipped out interior design disaster.

Because we always try to say something nice about the properties we discuss, Your Mama will concede that the front porch is a nice feature, and it's always a bonus to have a guest house out back for stashing less than honored guests. Gawd, that was difficult.

The 1,750 square foot property was listed at $639,000. Listing information indicates that there are actually 3 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms in the main house and another detached bedroom, bath and kitchenette back behind the detached garage. We can only hope Miss Bachar's agent drove hard to get the singer/dancer a better price. And we can only hope that Miss Bachar has enough cash to spare to work this place over and turn it into a house worthy of a budding international superstar or whatever the Pussycats are meant to be.

Now, Your Mama as got to go look at some pretty and over the top decadent celebrity houses now to bring us out of the depth of real estate despair.

Robert Cray Selling Los Feliz Pad

SELLER: Robert Cray
LOCATION: Hill Oak Drive, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $3,250,000
SIZE: 2,205 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Enchanting one story European, private and custom home on huge lot w/almost 1 acre flat with pool. An island unto itself. 3 Bds. 21/2 Baths.L.R. has beamed ceilings. & Ariz. Flagstone F.P., Wood flrs.D.R. has adjct. patio bringing in the outdoors. Kitch. has Viking Range & Sub-Zero in pantry. Sep. office/gst.hse + office/studio. Master has secret garden w/spa. Rear patio has F.P. & B.B.Q. Huge driveway w/rm. for 8 cars. Wine cellar-Pool-Zinfandel Vines ready for harvest! Views of Griffith Observ.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Three time Grammy winning R&B singer and guitarist Robert Cray recently put his sa-weet Los Feliz house on the market with a not so sweet asking price of $3,250,000. Most of y'all prolly don't know who Robert Cray is, but if you care to, you can Google his ass and get all the information your little hearts desire. Your Mama is simply too tahrd, too bizzy, and too bitchy this morning to do that work for the children today. Sorry babies, but sometimes you gotta make your own lunch.

Anyhoo, Mister Cray and his wifey purchased this house in April of 1997 for just $800,000. Which means the couple can just about retire in high style in Honduras or some other tropical and nearly third world country on the multi-million dollar profit they're hoping to pocket from the sale of their property. That is if they get anywhere near the asking price, which seems a little steep to Your Mama.

Located up in "The Oaks" section of Los Feliz, where a-list actor Brad Pitt maintains a multi-residence compound, Mister Cray's house occupies a fantastic and private peninsula-like piece of property in one of the better, if not easily accessed East Side locations.

With a modest 2,205 square feet and just 3 bedrooms and 2.5 bathrooms, most of you size queens will think Mister Cray's house simply too small to accommodate the big members of your brood. But Your Mama, who actually prefers something mid-sized over airport terminal sized, thinks it's just about right, large enough to comfortably house our small family of two long bodied bitches named Linda and Beverly and one bitchy pussycat named Sugar who would sooner claw the skin off right off your face than allow you to touch her, but not so large that Minerva the cleaning gurl would need to be up in our hair scrubbing terlits and vacuuming pooch and pussy hair more than once a week.

Keep in mind that listing information for the property indicates there is a very charming little guest cottage/office by the gigantic rectangular swimming pool and an additional office/studio that we think is attached to the detached garage. These fantastic features mean that there's really no need to house guests in the modestly sized main house or to spread out the spread sheets on the kitchen table. So is the house really so small afterall?

Your Mama is not impressed with the interior decor of the house, but we do love the nearly kitchy, but still beautiful Arizona Flagstone fireplace and the open plan of the living and dining rooms. We also like the humongous windows, and what appears in the photos to be an easy indoor/outdoor flow, perfect for that sunny California lifestyle people West of Nevada like to poo-poo, but secretly desire.

While some of the landscaping appears to be well considered and thoughtful, for example that gorgeous patio off the master bedroom that includes a sunken spa, Your Mama would get landscaper to the stars Jay Griffith on the line as soon as the papers were signed to xeriscape the hell out of this place so that is resembled a cluster of California adobe buildings surrounded by lots of easy maintenance and drought tolerant fire bush and agave. Because, let's be honest, it won't be long before water in Southern California will be more valuable than oil. Once the water wars begin, get used to seeing rich people all up and down Sunset Boulevard go ape shit with desperation to buy enough water to keep their acres of lawns unnaturally green and their multitudes of mammoth motor cars spotless. Sure, we love a lovely and verdant lawn too, but Your Mama prefers to steer clear of that water shortage mess with a landscape design that needs only a few drops of water per year to sustain itself.

But we digress. It's unfortunate we don't have more photographs of the interior of this house because we're aching to see the bathrooms and the kitchen, which listing information states has Viking and SubZero appliances...always good things in a multi million dollar home of any size.

Now babies, Your Mama needs to go pop a big fat nerve pill and have a lie down, so please do not disturb us with a bunch of snotty emails about how lazy we are. We do not want to hear it. Besides, you should probably be doing the job you're being paid to do rather than sitting around your office reading this damn blog anyways. Bye now.

Gossip Queen Janet Charlton Has Mid-Century Mania

SELLER: Janet Charlton
LOCATION: S. Rossmore Avenue, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $2,995,000
SIZE: 4,361 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Ready for restoration, this 5BR/5BA 1961 mid-century residence is by David Hyun (AIA), who worked w/ Neutra and Alexander. Concrete blocks, walls of glass, and terrazzo floors comprise the property's classic elements. The floor plan is as hip today as in its heyday: kitchen opens to family w/FP, office w/separate entrance, masster w/views of massive pool, room guest suites, 2-room pool cabana; all w/ ultimate rivacy. Used in films and TV, the swinging Hancock Park home brings Palms Springs to LA.

YOUR MAMAS UPDATE: Your Mama was honored to be contacted this morning by Miz Charlton herself who tells us her house has indeed seen the likes of all sorts of big name celebrities who have entered Miz Charlton's mid-century modern time warp. The long list includes Gwen Stefani, Ricky Martin, Drew Barrymore, Cloe Sevigny, Kathy Griffin, Jessica Alba, Nic Cage and on and on. We were also told that Brad Pitt used the terlit, Annette Bening slept in her bed, and Alec Baldwin fell down drunk on the kitchen floor. Well sort of. All that happened during the making of Running With Scissors, which was filmed in the house.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: One almost expects to see Sammy Davis Jr. mixing martinis and Shirley MacLaine doing the watusi on the dining room table as you step through the door of gossip maven Janet Charlton's thoroughly mid-century modern home in Los Angeles' Hancock Park.

In case y'all do not know, Miz Janet Charlton is an LA-based high priestess of the celebrity gossip scene who was slinging dirt and floating blind items about the Hollywood hoi polloi long before Miss Casablanca even knew what gossip was.

Back in the mid 1990s, mid-century modern fanatic Miz Charlton went a-house hunting and in April 1997 fell in love with and purchased a somewhat pedigreed but neglected house that occupies a very bizzy corner in posh Hancock Park. According to property records, the combat boot wearing queen of scuttlebutt paid just $540,000 for the 4,361 square foot house that features 3 proper bedrooms, a den, study, an eat in in kitchen with attached family room, and huge swimming pool out back.

We already know a whole slew of you are going to comment and write to Your Mama about the perceived crime problem in Hancock Park and the amount of time it takes the LAPD to respond to calls over the amount of time it takes the Beverly Hills po-po to knock on your door after dialing 911. Whatever. Crime problem or not, Hancock Park is chock full of celebrities living in expensive and dee-luxe estates that surround the swank Wilshire Country Club. With prices in the Platinum Triangle of Bev Hills, Bel Air, and the Holmby Hills skyrocketing to unfathomable heights, Hancock Park is attracting increasing numbers of celebrities and other high profile individuals with it's central location, large lots, street after tree-lined street of gor-gee-us housing stock, and much more modest price tags.

Just like Miz Charlton and all the other urban design snobs across the good ol' U.S. of A, Your Mama is fond of the mid-century modern era. We have a nice Noguchi coffee table and a couple of Eames loungers for the Dr. Cooter, not to mention a Florence Knoll two seater with the original tweed fabric. We've even got a gorgeous Jens Risom credenza, but it's all mixed in with less pedigreed and more current furniture and artworks. But if Your Mama is being honest, and we always are, we think the lovely and talented Miz Charlton has done flooded the car with too much of a good thing. Yes, it's all fun and we'd LOVE to go to a party at Miz Charlton's house of mid-century madness, but as a place to live, it's just too much of a one note time capsule for our personal taste.

We do love the George Nelson sofas in the living room that double as side tables, and we swoon over Miz Charlton's little collection of Eero Saarinen Tulip chairs with the cute orange pads. We can even appreciate those cock-a-mamie ottomans that look like a pair of dice and we totally respect her decision to keep and maintain the original kitchen appliances when possible. But Janet hunny, this place looks more like a mid-century modern furniture store than it does a modern home. Your Mama recommends that when Miz Charlton gets this place sold, she auction off some of her considerable collection and replace it with some more contemporary pieces, say a few things from the Bouroullec brothers and maybe even a thing or two from Crate and Barrel or some other generic big name retail emporium.

Given the $2,995,000 asking price, it appears that lucky Miz Charlton is going to wind up with a wad of cash once her house sells to another mid-century modern aficionado who will likely renovate and restore this place to within an inch of acceptability. Either that or someone will knock the sucker down and built yet another too big Mediterranean-ish monstrosity.

The house is listed by a gentleman named Jeff Yarbrough, and Miz Charlton asks that any of the children that might be interested in purchasing the house give her man at Keller Williams in Beverly Hills a ringy dingy.

Source: Larchmont Chronicle

Nicole Murphy is Cashing Out

SELLER: Nicole Murphy
LOCATION: Prado del Grandioso, Calabasas, CA
PRICE: $8,495,000 (reduced from $9,995,000)
SIZE: 9,214 square feet, 6 bedrooms, 8 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Located in private community, stunning 1 of a kind estate has it all! Captured by lush specimen lndscpng/mountain vista views, newer Spanish hacienda w/ open flrplan: high ceilings, dark walnut flrs, high tech amenities, top of the line grmt ktch w/ cntr island & Wolf range. Brkfst area / bar & frml dine. 6 car garage, guest / maids rms, oft. & media screening room on 1st level. 3 jr. suites & mstr retreat w/ frplc, blcny, sp bath, his/her walk in clsts & vanities. Endless grds, full guest house, walking trail, pool/spa!

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Since the late 1980s, ex-model Nicole Murphy has been a baby factory for filthy rich comedian Eddie Murphy. Now she's his ex-wife. Since their split in 2005, the mommy of five, count 'em, FIVE Murphys has had to watch the man impregnate, get engaged to, dump, and become embroiled in a paternity battle with Scary Spice. Then the father of seven shorties by three women, who has made mountains of money dressing up as sassy fat ladies, got engaged to another purdy be-hatcha named Tracey Edmunds, who does not seem to mind at all that her new man treated Miz Spice (and their new-born progeny) like dirt. Your Mama expects Miz Edmunds will be knocked up by Christmas. Jeezis, Mary, and Joseph, what is the man packing that has all these women lining up to be engaged to and push out babies for Eddie Murphy?

Anyhoo, if anyone were to ask Your Mama, and of course, no one did, we think Nicole Murphy is entitled to a little financial something for all her troubles and embarrassment. Your Mama also thinks Mister Murphy should become familiar with how to use a damn condom, but that's another gripe for another day.

Yesterday we learned from Mister Big Time that Miz Nicole Murphy recently put the vast Sacramento estate she and Mister Murphy owned together since 1998 on the market for $6,500,000 (see below). The property was apparently granted to ex-Miz Murphy in the dee-vorce. Being that ex-Miz Murphy was raised in Sacramento, perhaps it's not so unusual the former couple would have a residence to stay in when they visited her people. But did they need an 11,158 square foot house with 10 bedrooms and 14 bathrooms? And did they need to decorate the place like a wannabe glitzy Communist era hotel in Moscow? No, children, they did not have to, but they did.
All very interesting indeed, but it turns out the Sacramento area estate is not the only piece of luxury real estate that ex-Miz Murphy has recently put on the market. Not long after she and Mister Murphy went splitsville, the statuesque beauty used some of Eddie's money to purchase a huge house in a swanky subdivision in suburban Calabasas. Located in the guard gated community of "The Oaks," the Spanish style house sprawls over 9,214 square feet and includes 6 bedrooms and 8 bathrooms, which sounds like a lot of bedrooms unless you've got nearly half a dozen of Eddie Murphy's children who need to be fed, housed and clothed in high Hollywood style.

Although Miz Murphy only purchased the house in May of 2006 for $7,500,075, she is clearly looking to sell the place off at a considerable profit. Currently priced at $9,995,000, the sale of this house will net her an impressive couple million clams. Sounds ambitious, but keep in mind that in February 2007, in the aftermath of his acrimonious separation from high drama diva Shanna Moakler, tattooed rocker Travis Barker shelled out $9,500,095 for a similar house just two doors down. Reports say that Travis and Shanna are back together, which means the former Miss USA and current party queen has moved to Calabasas, which should put everyone in "The Oaks" on high alert.

Listing information for ex-Miz Murphy's Calabasas residence shows that in addition to the many bedrooms and bathrooms, there is a full guest house and staff quarters. These are excellent features, because what dee-vorée who is trying to stick it to her mega-rich tranny prostitute loving ex-huzband raises the children without an army of nannies, housekeepers and assistants that can be billed back to Mr. Man?

Your Mama notes that the house also includes garaging for six cars. Another nice feature for a family of six (plus staff and security) whose large numbers surely require at least two tricked out Denalis with blacked out windows to get from place to place. And of course, let's not forget the swimming pool, media room, office, a family room, gourmet kitchen, wine cellar, and the vast master suite with dual closets, fireplace and private balcony. Phew!

The decor is pared down, and the place has certainly not been touched by a nice gay decorator. Even still, Your Mama must confess, for a gargantuan house in a suburban development, this house is really quite lovely. We dig the hacienda style architecture, the dark walnut floors are dee-lishus, and while grand in scale, the house retains an air of informality and coziness that we don't ordinarily expect to find in a house that is pushing 10,000 square feet.

Like the ex-wifey, Mister Murphy is also trying to unload some real estate. "Bubble Hill," the actors' 32 room mansion in New Jersey is still on the market, as is "Clove Hill," the 205 acre farm in rural Dutchess Country in upstate New York. Meanwhile, Mister Murphy continues to reside in the one decadent piece of his real estate empire that he's not trying to sell off, an 18,598 square foot monster mansion with 10 bedrooms and 17 bathrooms on 4.73 acres in uber posh Beverly Park.

From the photos it's difficult to ascertain if the ex-Miz Murphy and children are still in residence on Prado del Grandioso, and we certainly have no information on where they might be headed. But be assured children, that wherever it is that ex-Miz Murphy next sets down roots, the house house will be huge, the bedroom count will be many, and the cost to Mister Murphy outrageous. Can you blame her?