Cuttino Mobley Dribbles, Shoots, and Breaks Even

SELLER: Cuttino Mobley
LOCATION: Clear View Drive, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $3,995,000
SIZE: 5 bedrooms, 5.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: No expense spared. Master bedroom with large walk-in closets and mountain views. Master bathroom with spa tub and steam shower with imported Italian stone. Patio off upstairs landing. State-of-the-art gourmet country kitchen with top-of-the-line appliances. French doors lead to a grassy backyard with pool and spa. Hardwood floors throughout. 4-Zone A/C. 2 car garage. Refrigerated wine cellar.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: We hear from Little Jack Horner, one of our little tipsters, that another sports figure Your Mama has never heard of is selling his Beverly Hills residence. And don't you know, but our sports expert pal Fiona Trambeau is once again indisposed after a long night of Jaegermeister and the company of men young enough to be her damn children. Which means Your Mama is left to sort out who this Cuttino Mobley person is all on our own.

Turns out this Cuttino "The Cat" Mobley plays for the Los Angeles Clippers, which Your Mama understands is a professional basketball team. Due to Your Mamas limited interest in sports, particularly the big three of baseball, basketball and football, we were only able to spend a short time researching Mister Cuttino before we thought our little head would explode. As best as we could determine, Mister Mobley came to the Clippers in 2005 (from where we don't know, and frankly, don't care), is 32 years old, six foot four inches tall, 210+- pounds, and has a son, also with the unusual name of Cuttino.

Not long after moving to Los Angeles, property records indicate Mister Mobley purchased this newly built 5 bedroom and 5.5 bathroom house high in the Hills of Beverly for $3,650,000 Given that the house is currently on the market for $3,995,000, it would appear that Mister Mobley will pocket very little after real estate fees and closing costs are paid. What do the children think, did Mister Mobley over pay for the house at the tippy top of the white hot luxury real estate market in 2005, or is the house priced aggressively for a quick sale?

Mister Mobley's quasi Mediterranean / quasi Tuscan style house has been wedged into the hillside with a gargantuan retaining wall nearly encircling the house. Out the front are lovely views of the hills across Benedict Canyon.

There is nothing in the living room that Your Mama would recommend keeping, but the dining room is getting there, style wise. We can't see the dining room table legs, so we don't know what to expect there, but the padded chairs have a sophisticated 1940s feel to them that we appreciate. The curtains have a nice sheen and the painting, while too small to carry that wall on its own, is a good start towards dressing the room up. However, the room looks curiously unfinished and, despite the set table, like it's never seen food. Your Mama just goes ballistic over formal dining rooms in which the table has been set with all sorts of glitzy tableware for a dinner party that is not going to be happening. Note to people who do this: Unless there are actual people coming to dinner, please do not set the dining room table. It just makes the house look like a furniture showroom, and nobody wants to live in a furniture showroom, do they?

While done up in a more traditional and exuberantly beige fashion than Your Mama would prefer, the good sized kitchen does have a nice selection of high grade appliances, including two dishwashers and a trash compacter. However, Your Mama has nightmares over balloon valances like the one hung over the sink, and we do not even know how to mentally digest that curly-cued stool/chair thing that has been pulled up to the breakfast counter.

Up to the master bedroom and we are sad to say that we find an interior decorating crime scene. Seriously children, Your Mama does not even know where one would buy a bedroom set like we see up in this house. Does anyone know? We are quite certain that four poster bed cost Mister Mobley and arm and a damn leg, but it just screams faux Versace and whispers, "please make me into firewood."

Out into the backyard, which is really at the side of the house, we have a petite swimming pool and a spa large enough to host Mister Cuttino and a few ladies who like big and tall basketball players. The small yard is quick and easy maintenance for landscapers and the view from the patio is really quite lovely. We might encourage the next homeowner to attach a pergola to the side of the house and add an outdoor fireplace which would provide a really great outdoor living space.

Mister Cuttino, we have no doubt you are a master of the basketball court, and as such we certainly would not expect you to be a master at decorating your house. But one of the beauties of making the big bucks that professional basketball players make is the financial wherewithal to hire a nice gay decorator. And don't worry a minute about being your decorator's sexual fantasy. Trust Your Mama when we tell you that most nice gay decorators are far more interested in the green in your wallet than the junk in your trunk. So with your next house, please give Your Mama a shout so we can give you the names and numbers of a few good gay men to work their magic on your new home.

Your Mama really has no idea why Mister Cuttino is selling this house. Is he trading up? Trading down? Is he himself being traded? Whatever the case, we wish him luck in getting close to his asking price so that he doesn't actually lose any money on this real estate transaction.

Ron Burkle's Swimming Pool in the Sky

BUYER: Ron Burkle
SELLER: Jonathan Leitersdorf
LOCATION: 704 Broadway, New York, NY
PRICE: $17,500,000 / monthly charges: $7,836
SIZE: 11,000 square feet (approx.), 5 bedrooms 5.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: One of the most unique and spectacular homes in the world, this Penthouse triplex home in the sky boasts: 5 bedrooms, 5 full baths, 2 powder rooms, 13'-17' ceilings, more than 50 windows, and a landscaped forest alongside a heated outdoor swimming pool...Unmatched amenities include two separate professional grade kitchens, W/D on each level, exquisitely detailed with massive Danish Tudor wood burning fireplace, two separate sound systems controlled from every room with speaker throughout.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Braden Keil, the virtuoso celebrity real estate writer at the New York Post, was on fire this week telling all us disciples about half a dozen big buys and sells in and around New York City including some juicy tidbits about the sale of a very well known downtown Manhattan penthouse that former owner Jonathan Lietersdorf recently sold to billionaire grocery store tycoon Ron Burkle.

The triplex penthouse sits atop a non-descript building, called "The Dandy," that offers residents a central location near the Bowery Bar and BondSt, but no luxury amenities such as a doorman, which might be the least one could expect when coughing up nearly $20,000,000 for a Manhattan penthouse.

Built by venture capitalist Mister Lietersdorf as a pied a terre for himself, the residence doubled as an event space called Sky Studios that could be rented for private parties, photos shoots, and other such glamorous and typically New York functions. Sex and the City shot at least one episode here, presidential daughter Chelsea Clinton had a birthday party here, and Jerry Seinfeld was married in the gargantuan living room on the first level.

The 11,000 square foot behemoth has ridiculously high ceilings, 50+ windows, walls of glass, a panic room behind the library bookcases, and a carpet of green grass and a small "forest" on the Eastern terrace. But by far the most remarkable and notable feature of the aerie is the heated swimming pool that hangs over the city with 360 degree views as far as the eye can see.

Mister Lietersdorf first put this impressive home on the market in 2002 for $27,500,000, but had to reduce the price over the years to it's final asking price of $18,750,000 before anyone took the plunge to purchase the 5 bedroom 5.5 bathroom mansion in the sky.

According the the NY Post and records on file with the city, the Los Angeles based Mister Burkle, who pocketed billions from buying and selling huge grocery store chains, paid $17,500,000 for the penthouse that Your mama imagines he will use infrequently.

While he comes from modest means and is often thought of as a very down to earth guy (for a billionaire), the famously private jeans wearing Mister Burkle is no stranger to a large and lavish lifestyle and travels in a private 757 airplane. Lawhd children, just imagine Mister Burkle's yearly fuel bill for that steel bird.

In California, where he lives in an extremely posh section of Beverly Hills in a legendary 23,114 square foot house on a deliciously beautiful estate called "Green Acres," his nearby neighbors include fellow billionaire Miss David Geffen, filthy rich dee-vorcé Suzanne Saperstein, and Paris's grand daddy Baron Hilton, just to name a few.

Unless this purchase was simply an investment and/or a convenient place to park a wad of cash, Your Mama can't imagine Mister Burkle will continue to lease the place out for the weddings and bar mitzvahs of Manhattan's demi monde. But then again, it's hard to believe that even a down to earth billionaire would call a doorman-less building home.

Sources: New York Post, New York Observer, New York Magazine

UPDATE: Gisele Bundchen

While making our morning peruse through the venerable and always informative New York Post's Page Six gossip column, we learned that Brazilian bombshell Gisele Bundchen has put her two bedroom West Village triplex penthouse on the market for a pocketbook draining $10,900,000.

Your Mama discussed this penthouse back in late June when it popped up as a $29,000 per month rental (for August only), and now it appears that the Maserati of models is ready to let go of the penthouse and settle into the West Village townhouse she recently purchased and renovated.

The picture perfect human mannequin also recently sold her Los Angeles house for $3,980,000, although there seems to be some confusion among the gossips about whether it was purchased by Quentin Tarantino or French film director Luc Besson.

Rent the Governor's Getaway

OWNER: George Pataki
LOCATION: Lakeshore Road, Essex, NY
SIZE: 300+ acres
PRICE: $4,000
DESCRIPTION: Just a short walk outside the historic Village of Essex you'll fiind this wonderful farmhouse located on over 300 acres on Lake Champlain. Recent renovations have made this a perfect place for a family getaway or corporate retreat. The main house sleeps 8, add the Annex and the capacity expands to 15.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Your Mama has never been to the Adirondacks, but Molly Motormouth has. In fact Miz Motormouth, a friend and colleague of Your Mama, has intimate knowledge of the Adirondack region as her family has summered near Lake Placid for generations.

Turns out former Republican New York State Governor George Pataki has a thing for the rustic Adirondacks, where Miz Motormouth tells us the high profile politico recently purchased a 300+ acre farm fronting lovely Lake Champlain.

Motormouth Molly also managed to locate and provide Your Mama with a listing for the property which is, apparently and strangely, available for short term rental. What is unclear to Your Mama is the length of time $4,000 will buy you at the Pataki Farm. One week? One month? Anyone?

Pictures of the property, which includes private beach front as well as a private dock, are slim, but from the one available, it sure does look purdy. This is rustic simplicity and charm done correctly with a classic, elegant, and strict palette of green grass and white hydrangeas. Martha Stewart would be proud.

It's unlikely that Mister Pataki needs the income. So Your Mama wonders, why rent the place out at all?

Alexis Stewart Keeps it Clean in Tribeca

SELLER: Alexis Stewart
LOCATION: 27 N. Moore Street, New York, NY
PRICE: $12,400,000
SIZE: 3,884 square feet, 3 bedroom, 3.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: WIth almost 4,000sf of space, the three bedroom, three and one-half bath loft has four exposures with incredible views overlooking Tribeca, the Hudson River and the city. There is a 14' x 34' terrace overlooking Tribeca, the City and the Hudson. The living area is solarium like with glass ceiling flooding the loft with wonderful light. The downstairs bedroom has a full bath and is now being used as a den/office with custom wood bookshelves and built in desk.

YOUR MAMAS UPDATE: Children we have heard from Miz Stewart–and another person who seems to know a lot of things about a lot of people–and we're told the apartment is actually grey, a very pale grey rather, than stark white. So please substitute "very pale grey" everywhere we say "white" below. We have also been told that the apartment was decorated by big bad mama Martha's number one gay Kevin Sharkey (the interior designer, not the Irish artist). Apparently it was Kevin who called for and then swooned and gasped with glee over those seamless grey terrazzo floors. Alexis hunny, if we're wrong anywhere here, we'd love to have your sassy input. You can email Your Mama at realestalker@yahoo.com.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Continuing with the theme of Manhattan penthouse apartments that have been purchased by filthy rich parents for their lucky children, we head down to Tribeca (Triangle Below Canal for those unfamiliar with New York City) to the nearly colorless home of Alexis Stewart, daughter of big bad mama Martha Stewart.

Yesterday we received a nice email from a gentleman whom we'll call The Socks Luver, who kindly linked Your Mama over to a recent and wee article in New York Magazine about the downtown penthouse the younger Miz Stewart recently dumped on the market with the ear piercing asking price of $12,400,000.

Your Mama did a little digging and investigating of our own and it appears from the property records and deed information on file with the city that it was actually big bad mama Martha who purchased this condominium back in May of 1999. The purchase price is not revealed in the documents we perused, but mortgage information suggests big bad mama Martha spent close to $3,000,000 to provide her daughter Alexis a home. Naturally, the mortgage has already been satisfied and ownership has been transferred to an LLC with Alexis' name.

Earlier this year, there were scads of rumors and reports that Miz Alexis coughed up $35,000,000 to purchase three floors at one of the Richard Meier towers in the far West Village (165 Charles Street) with the intention of creating a colossal triplex overlooking the Hudson River. Subsequent reports stated that it was actually big bad mama Martha who purchased the trio of all glass apartments.

If history is any indication of the future, we might reasonably assume that big bad mama Martha is not so interested in actually living in the Meier towers, having already bought and sold a duplex at 173 Perry Street that she never actually occupied. History also tells us that big bad mama Martha has purchased multi-million dollar homes for her only child before. So perhaps all the rumors were indeed true and radio hostess Alexis will move into the 165 Charles Street triplex after all? We'll just have to wait and see on that one children.

We can appreciate Miz Alexis' penthouse with it's expansive layout, huge custom fitted walk in closet in the master bedroom, and the well equipped kitchen, but there are a number of issues that concern us here.

Your Mama appreciates a monochromatic color scheme as much as the next person, and we can dig all white rooms. But this place is just ridiculous children. There is so much sunlight and so many reflective white surfaces that surely one must wear their damn sunglasses inside this house during the daytime or run the risk of searing their retinas.

Another worry we have about Miz Alexis' very clean and all white penthouse is that it overlooks a very bizzy traffic circle that is often clotted up with cars exiting the Holland Tunnel. Not only does this mean the terrace is off limits during rush hour due to the excessive and annoying honking to which New York City commuters are unfortunately prone, but windows can never, ever be left open for any length of time lest every inch of that all white apartment be covered in a pesky and nearly impossible to clean layer of soot and car exhaust. Anyone who has ever lived in New York or any other traffic laden city knows just what we're talking about.

At the risk of sounding hostile, this place is practically devoid of the little objects and artworks that make a house a home, and while it's lovely in it's very spare and extremely clean way, it does not look friendly. So Your Mama is thrilled to see all the bookshelves stuffed full of books in this penthouse, because not only do they look great and add the only color to be seen in the place, but they're also the only personal and intimate items to be seen (poorly placed gym equipment does not count).

Given that the customized kitchen features two SubZero refrigerator/freezers and two dishwashers, Your Mama assumes that either Miz Alexis got the cooking bug for her mother, or big bad Martha wanted a well equipped kitchen so that when she visited she would have all the necessary equipment to whip up a chocolate cake with butter cream frosting on a moments notice. From scratch, natch.

We understand that Miz Alexis' biological clock is ticking loud and she wants a baby. In fact, she wants a baby really bad and reports say she's spending a fortune trying to get one. Perhaps that is why she wants to move out of her stark white penthouse apartment that would surely be destroyed by a toddler who can't help but put their grimy hands on the white walls and spill grape juice on every white sofa in the place.

Although $10,000,000+ residences are a dime a dozen in celebrity and Wall Street tycoon friendly Tribeca, Your Mama has to wonder if there's any real possibility of Miz Alexis' penthouse fetching anywhere near the asking price. A little digging reveals that in August of 2006, another similar but much larger penthouse unit in the same building sold for just $7,850,000. Is Alexis being optimistic or just plain foolish? You decide.

The website for Miz Alexis' radio program actually has a few photos of the penthouse and reveals that Miz Alexis is every bit as organized and tidy as her mama, which is, of course, a good thing. She also has a lot of bras. A lot.

One of our lovely readers also provided a link to a funny little YouTube video that will give everyone a sense of who Alexis is and her orderly lifestyle. She's a lot like her mother, isn't she? Honestly, she seems like someone opinionated and outspoken and very sure of herself. We like her, despite her too white penthouse.

A Little More Real Estate Pornography

BUYER: Sol Kerzner for Beverly Kerzner
LOCATION: West 23rd Street, New York City, NY
PRICE: $8,350,000 (sale price) / monthly charges: $4,581
SIZE: 7,000 square feet (approx.), 5 bedrooms, 5.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Soaring 30ft. ceilings in the double-height living room provides the most impressive entertaining space, surrounded by enormous windows with superb light. A banquet-sized kitchen is attached to the ultra-chic dining area. A svelte, sound-proofed media room/home theater attached to a large home office leads to a 3rd-level perch over-looking the entire loft. The Master Suite features a grand bathroom with 2-person steam-room and has a room-sized closet. 3 additional bedrooms provide ample accommodations. A separate studio with bath and kitchenette is perfect for a housekeeper.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: This morning we read with amazement and glee the comprehensive report by celebrity real estate wunderkind Max Abelson at the NY Observer about South African hotel tycoon Sol Kerzner, who developed such mega resorts and casinos as Sun City in South Africa and Atlantis in the Bahamas, purchasing a Manhattan penthouse for his daughter Beverley.

In early 2006, there were many rumors and reports that Mister Kerzner had purchased the $10,500,000 penthouse in the Phillip Johnson designed Urban Glass House for Beverley. But apparently Miss Kerzner wasn't feeling that penthouse because, as Mister Abelson reported, daddy Kerzner just spent a whopping $8,350,000 to buy his baby Beverley a massive 7,000+- square foot penthouse apartment in the Chelsea neighborhood in downtown Manhattan.

Well, we know this building and penthouse for several reasons. Number one, the penthouse is located atop the old MacBurney YMCA building on West 23rd Street that now houses, among the luxury condominiums, the sort of swanky David Barton Gym, which is widely considered the gayest gym in New york. Now children, this gymnasium certainly has it's fair number of heterosexual members, but the men's locker room, showers, and steam room is so notoriously naughty that at one point security guards were posted in the locker room in an attempt to curb the pornographic activity.

The gym also lays claim to a fair number of celebrity members including known homosexual songbird Rufus Wainwright and known heterosexual Seth Meyers from Saturday Night Live. We also hear from some one we know to be very, very reliable who belongs to the D.B. Gym, that CNN stud Anderson Cooper often works out (and showers) here. Your Mama is not saying anything, we're just saying...you can draw whatever conclusions you want.

Anyhoo, the behemoth and loft-like triplex penthouse atop the old YMCA was carved out of what was once a basketball court by a team of investors who include the design firm the Apartment. According to Mister Abelson, the investors paid $3,300,000 to purchase the raw space and another $3,000,000 to turn the place into a residence that very closely resembles a club in South Beach.

A peek a the floor plan reveals an entrance hall that overlooks the triple height living room and includes an indoor garden with grow lights for keeping the plants alive, which of course would be the perfect location for Miss Kerzner to grow weed should she be so inclined.

The massive all white kitchen is adjacent to the large dining room which the sellers have kitted out with a massive dining room table and twelve lovely white Panton chairs.

But you know what, it doesn't really matter what this apartment looks like or what furniture is there because, according to Mister Abelson's report, Miss Kerzner is planning on "keeping the kitchen and bathroom and redoing everything else." Including, Your Mama hopes, painting over that awful hot pink support column in the living room.

Back when this penthouse came on the market for $8,950,000 Your mama saved the pictures and floor plans because we were very curious as to what sort of person would buy the heavily designed apartment. Well, now we know.

Anna Friel? Who?

BUYER: Anna Friel
SELLER: Tim Metcalfe
LOCATION: Ledgewood Drive, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $1,195,500
SIZE: 1,821 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 2.75 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Sophistication, character and "Old World" charm best describe this 1934 classic home! Beautiful hi-beamed ceiling and fireplace in living room. Cozy den/office also with fireplace. Country decor is depicted in the decorative tile and hardwood floors of the remodeled kitchen. Refinished peg & groove hardwood floors, original wood windows and French doors leading out to yard. Elegant yet colorful bath on main level. Lower level is bonus square footage media room/art studio or game room etc.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Your Mama is only a tiny bit embarrassed to admit that we'd never heard of this Anna Friel woman before Mister Big Time recently wrote about her purchasing a million dollar home in the Hollywood Hills. A little research on the internets and Your Mama learned that the British actress has a quite long list of credits for roles in films and television programs that we have never heard of before. However, Miz Friel is perhaps on her way up the celebrity ladder now that she's landed a plum role on the new, quirky, and widely publicized show Pushing Up Daisies, which features Swoosie Kurtz and Kristin Chenoweth.

The internets also tell us that Miz Friel is British actor David Thewlis' live in lover and baby mama. But of course, Your Mama does not know who Mister Thewlis is either, despite his having appeared in such films as Basic Instinct 2, The Omen, and a couple of the Harry Potter films. Of course we'd have to watch the Harry Potter movies to know anything about the actors, so we confess to never having watched the block busters. Simmer down now children, Your Mama is simply not interested in the hocus pocus science fiction genre, so we do not want to hear your shock and flabbergast about our ignorance of these Potter movies. Honestly.

Anyhoo, this Miz Friel recently purchased her house for $1,195,000. Which is nothing remarkable, except that listing information shows the asking price for the property was $1,169,000. What does this say about the general cooling of the recently white hot real estate market in Los Angeles? Maybe things aren't so cool after all?

We haven't a clue if Mister Thewlis will be living in sin with Miz Friel and their illegitimate baby (we kid darlings, so back off). Whatever the case, Miz Friel's new house sits just north of the itty bitty shopping district in Beachwood Canyon and measures a modest 1,821 square feet. As Mister Big Time noted, listing information shows the house having 3 bedrooms and 2.75 bathrooms, but property records show just 2 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms. Hmm. (P.S. for the kids who don't know, a three quarter bath is one with a sink, terlit and shower only. No tub).

Both property records and Lucy Spillerguts, one of our always on top of things sources, tell us that Miz Friel purchased the house from writer Tim Metcalfe, who was one of the scribes for the Revenge of the Nerds series of "films." Records reveal that Mister Metcalfe purchased the house in 1991 for $454,000 with a wonderfully named lady named Prudence, who we presume is (or was) his lady friend, although we have no proof of that whatsoever.

The house itself is a study in contrasts. The exterior is ordinary to the point of boring, and the kitchen is a little too country for our taste. I mean check that plate storage rack thing. But the 1930 black and white tile in the bathroom is dee-voon (even with the feminine and slightly too dark lavender paint), and the living room itself, with the beamed ceiling, is really quite fetching despite the too small rug and too small artwork on the fireplace mantle.

The den has a certain appeal if you like cabins in the woods (which generally speaking we do not), but please note the exquisite order in which Mister Metcalfe kept the shelves. Very impressive and revealing indeed.

As for the "man's room" with the pool table? Ack. Yes, we love a butterfly chair just as much as anyone else with any modern design sensibility, but there's just something so forlorn and bachelor-like about them sitting there all alone in front of that countrified brick fireplace. It looks like an advertisement for a man who does not have the money or good sense to hire a nice gay decorator. In fact, after seeing the beautiful and obsessive order of the den, we're somewhat surprised to see such a sad little room.

Perhaps Miz Friel (and Mister Thewlis too?) will spend a little of their newly earned income hiring someone to come over and wave the decorating wand over the house and turn it into a house worthy of two up and coming British actors making it in the tough as nails Hollywood system. Happy house dollies.

The Ex-Mrs. Sheen Buys Again

BUYER: Denise Richards
LOCATION: Long Valley Road, Hidden Hills, CA
PRICE: $4,395,000 (list)
SIZE: 1.118 acres, 5,651 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 7 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: We confess. Denise Richards scares the bejeezis right out of Your Mama. So we proceed here with some trepidation. We are going to attempt to piggy back on Ruth Ryon's recent report on the purchase of a new Hidden Hills residence by Miz Richards, who is starting to remind Your Mama of a character Glenn Close once played on the big screen. Subsequent to Miz Ryon's Hot Properties column in the Los Angeles Times, Mister Big Time also discussed Miz Richards' recent real estate whirligig.

Everyone who turns on the television or reads any of the many glossy tabs knows that Miz Richards and her ex-huzband Charlie Sheen are locked in a fever pitched and hideously bitter battle over the custody and care of their two toddler daughters. Some of the things that are being reported are so shocking and salacious, that Your Mama's gasps can easily be heard by the neighbors.

Your Mama suspects, and hopes, that we are at the tail end of taking up space on the internets and tabloids yakking about the former Bond Gurl and her attempts to stay in the spotlight in the absence of proper acting roles. Mister Sheen may in fact be one of the the hihgest paid television stars whose celeb status will burn brightly for years to come, but it appears that Miz Richards is soon to fade into the special sort of oblivion reserved for minor celebrity wives who were once married to huge stars. Poor gurl.

Anyhoo, as many of you will recall, Miz Richards has been moving around quite a bit since her bust up with Mister Sheen in 2005. First, she bought a house near ex-bff Heather Locklear. However, she quickly sold that place not long after she started screwing around with Miz Locklear's ex-huzband Richie Sambora. Sambora and Richards have since put the kibosh on that controversial relationship. Miz Richards then paid $4,000,000 to purchase an equestrian estate on Long Valley Road in the fancy, guard gated, and celebrity friendly Hidden Hills, but quickly put the place back on the market for $4,495,000.

At the time, there was considerable tabloid chatter about why and where Miz Richards and the children would be moving. Turns out, it's just a few doors down to another house on Long Valley Road. The new house measures in at 5,651 square feet with 5 bedrooms and 7 bathrooms and sits on a 1.118 acre lot. According to listing information, the house also features a foyer with curving stair case, living room, dining room, a chef's kitchen with sunny breakfast room, spacious family room with a brick fireplace. The master suite includes a sitting room and a "spa bath" with a fireplace. Out back is a spa and a large pool with an electric pool cover, which is a nice feature for the lazy and those with small children.

Sadly, Miz Richards has yet to unload the first Long Valley Road property which is now listed at $3,900,000. Yes puppies, the asking price is LESS than she paid for the property in May of 2006. Which means the lady is going to lose money on that transaction. Meanwhile, the acturuss carries the considerable financial stress of two multi-million dollar mortgages–which surely eats a huge bite into whatever spousal and child support she was granted in the dee-vorce–in addition to all the stress that comes with trying to give her ex-husband a (mostly futile) public beat down in the court of public opinion.

Many reports in the past said that Miz Richards was looking to move to another house that would be large enough to accommodate her ailing mother. Sweet. Caring. Sincere. Since we don't know Miz Richards personally, that may be exactly what has transpired and Mama Richards is now ensconced behind the gates of Hidden Hills. None the less, Your Mama does know that in May 2006 Miz Richards' parents purchased a 4,000+ square foot house in Encinitas for $1,599,000. (Encinitas is down by San Diego–we had to Google it too, children.)

Whatever the case, Your Mama really does hope Miz Richards finds some much needed peace and quiet in her life. We are not in the PR or crisis management bizness, but if we we're, we'd strongly advise Miz Richards to stay camped out in her pretty new Hidden Hills house and don't speak to the damn press about anything related to her children or her ex-huzband Charlie Sheen or his new fiancée Brooke. ZIP IT!! We'd recommend she stay deadly quiet and let all the nonsense die out and then cross her fingers and toes that there's room and time for a comeback on the silver screen. Or at least another butt-nekkid photo shoot for Playboy.

The Studio and Residence of Artist Jennifer Bartlett

SELLER: Jennifer Bartlett
LOCATION: Charles Street, New York City
PRICE: $17,900,000
SIZE: 12,800 square feet (approx.), 5 bedrooms, 5 full and 2 half bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Extremely versatile interior features 50' living/dining room with fireplace opening onto huge terrace, chef's kitchen, spacious library with fireplace and up to 5 bedrooms. Upstairs, enclosed lap pool, with fireplace and Hudson River view, opens onto lavish rooftop gardens where flowering plants abound...Linked by charming exterior stair to the lower deck adjacent to the glass-walled living space where trees and shrubs surround dining terrace and koi pond.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Clearly, not all artists are starving. Case in point, the mammoth New York City home and studio of accomplished American born painter Jennifer Bartlett. Located in the far West Village and just a short walk to the newly refurbished and gorgeous Hudson River Park, the 12,800+- square foot space was once a warehouse that was converted into a sprawling complex that only a rich and successful artist can truly appreciate, or afford.

While we are aware of Miz Bartlett's work–sorry, we're not a huge fan–we're not privy to any scandalicious information about her private life, so we're just going to have to stick to a few of the simple facts we were able to obtain from a very brief and admittedly shabby online search.

Miz Bartlett, brought up in the school of minimalism, isn't exactly a minimalist. She does, however, strictly limit the shapes, patterns and narratives in her paintings, having used themes of water and grids throughout her career. She also has an obvious fascination with the simple shapes of square and triangles that are often put together to resemble houses. The paintings Your Mama are most familiar with are from the mid to late 1990s, where small objects float on the canvas under and intertwined with a complex grid of painted streaks. Complex, layered and interesting to look at, we'd be lying through our teeth if we said we understood them.

Anyhoo, enough of that art stuff, let's get to the real estate. According to listing information, the building has a long history of artistic use and ownership. The building was the former residence and art gallery of noted art collector Walter P. Chrysler Junior. Yes children, Mister Chrysler is from the Chrysler family, but somehow Your Mama doubts he parked a K-Car out front of his building.

Property records indicate that Miz Bartlett purchased this building in December of 1989, not long after the death of Mister Chrysler. If Your Mama is being honest with the children, we'd tell you that we have been unable sort out the actual purchase price of the property among the myriad of documents associated with the property. Another mystery we uncovered is that it appears from the mortgage information we accessed that Doris Saatchi, the first wife of art tycoon Charles Saatchi, might have co-signed the original mortgage for the property. Which would make a certain amount of sense. The Saatchis were well known patrons of Miz Bartlett in the 1980s who collected and commissioned several works by the artist.

According to listing information, Miz Bartlett embarked on a massive renovation that was completed in 1992. In addition to carving out a massive studio and office complex on the lower two floors, she created a loft-like residence on the upper two floors that spills out onto massive terraces that have been extensively and lushly landscaped.

By far the most interesting and unusual feature is, of course, the indoor lap pool that has somehow, in an impressive feat of engineering, been put up on the top floor of the building. Now puppies, while Your Mama thinks it would be magnificent to have a private swimming pool right in the heart of Manhattan where we could paddle in the nood, we are certain we would develop an addiction to Xanax if we lived in this house., because we would surely require a big fat pill every night in order ease the extreme anxiety about the possibility of the swimming pool crashing down on us as we slept in the bedroom below.

Overall, we're very impressed with the serene and comfortable looking interior appointments of the building, although we'd have to change out the really awful floor tile in the kitchen A.S.A.P.

But children, it's not even the expansive interior spaces that make this place worth the humongous asking price. It is the 2,500+- square foot of outdoor space which has Your Mama swooning with envy and pulling out the checkbook. Naturally Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter would have to hire a small army of good looking and shirtless landscapers to keep all that foliage from wilting and getting choked by weeds, but it would be worth it to be able to sit under that arbor reading the tabs and working the crossword puzzles over morning coffee.

In addition to this big house and studio in New York City, we read that the painter also maintains a residence in Paris where it's easier to spend time with her French film star husband. We spent about one minute looking for the name of her famous in France husband, but alas, came up empty handed...any of you arty farty types out there know to whom Miz Bartlett is married?

Sources: Art Net, Art Scene

UPDATE: Shelter Island's Shorewood Manor

SELLER: Chris Knight
LOCATION: Shorewood Road and Apple Orchard Lane, Shelter Island, New York
PRICE: $24,900,000
SIZE: 8 acres, 8,500 square feet, 11 bedrooms, 5.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: With just about 8 acres total, this home features all the details of the grand era gone by. Original moldings, windows and hardwood floors, this home is ready for a 21st century renovation. Approximately 8,500 sq ft in total, the possibilities of a total renovation are endless. Over 1,000 feet of waterfront and a honeymoon cottage located at the waters edge and an impressive history of ownership, this once in a lifetime chance to own this property should not be missed. Property also features an original Celtic style water tower and massive copper beach trees.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Shorewood Manor, the Shelter Island estate formerly owned by New York State governor Hugh Carey, has recently seen a massive price reduction form $33,000,000 to the still astronomical asking price of $24,900,000. The property is still being marketed as a fixer-upper, but it appears that current owner Chris Knight has wisely put a little money into making it look nice for prospective buyers.

As many of y'all will recall, Your Mama discussed this property and our intimate knowledge of the place back in early April 2007, which was not long after Mister Knight purchased the property for a reported $10,000,000 and just two weeks later put it back on the market for a staggering $33,000,000. That much of a mark up in that short of a time period takes some serious real estate cajones. While Your Mam never thought for an instant that Mister Knight would get anywhere near 33 million clams, we have to stand up and applaud Mister Knight's brazen money grab.

From the new photos, the interior looks to have been sanded and painted and stuffed full of eclectic furniture, some of which looks like catering company furniture and some of which looks like it might be better suited to an outdoor patio or screened porch. None the less, the old gurl is looking better than she has in years.

Your Mama has read and heard that the estate can be rented for special occasions and certainly this would be a spectacular location for a soiree of the Hamptons hoi polloi...if you can get them to cross over on the nearby ferry.

We have no doubt this property is worth more than the $10,000,000 Mister Knight paid for the place, but we still have a hard time getting our itty bitty and tired mind around the idea that someone might pay upwards of $20,000,000 for a house that needs updated and upgraded everything, and we mean everything.

It is the humble and meaningless opinion of Your Mama that Mister Knight would be better off listing the stunning 8 acre property with 270 degree views at $16,500,000 and selling somewhere around fourteen...that would certainly net him a few million. However, given that he's clearly looking for a $10-15,000,000 profit on his investment, perhaps it's worthwhile for him to wait it out, even if it takes years to sell.

Best of luck with that Mister Knight.

Rent Dan Aykroyd's (Allegedly) Haunted House

OWNER: Dan Aykroyd and Donna Dixon
LOCATION: Woodrow Wilson Drive, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $30,000 / month
SIZE: 4,828 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 5.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Gorgeous English Country celebrity compound behind the gates for total privacy. Extraordinary taste & style, furnished in turn-key condition, fabulous ground, superb pool.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: For some reason, Your Mama has increasing amounts of information on celebrity owned houses that are available for short and long term lease. For example, we have previously discussed homosexual boy band graduate Lance Bass' house of two swimming pools, we've discussed Faye Dunaway's West Hollywood hideout, and a hundred moons ago, we discussed the spectacular Runyon Canyon residence of Naomi Foner and Stephen Gyllenhaal (parents of famous sibs Maggie and Jake). Today we're going to be letting it fly about venerable comedian and original cast member of Saturday Night Live Dan Aykroyd and actress wifey Donna Dixon's allegedly haunted house high in the Hills of Hollywood.

The secluded "English Country" style residence has a long history of celebrity owners including Beatles drummer Ringo Starr. The property was also called home by one of the most famous mamas that ever was, the corpulent and hugely talented Cass Elliot from the legendary folk rock group The Mamas and the Papas.

Listing information for the 4,828 square foot house indicates there are 5 bedrooms and 5.5 bathrooms (property records show 6 bedrooms and 7 bathrooms), and is available on short term lease for $30,000 per month, fully furnished. Listing information shows the couple is willing to negotiate the price on a long term rental. Interestingly, no one seems to want to lease this house. Listing information Your Mama received from a very smart and talented realtor in the valley we'll call Big Bird shows the property has been on the rental market for more than 450 days, which is a very long time.

Oh hunnies, with all due respect to the Aykroyd/Dixon household, Your Mama could not be paid $30,000 a month to live up in this house. And it's not because of that awful kitchen where that horrid and eyeball assaulting floral wallpaper has been stuck to every flat surface in the room including the damn ceiling. Oh, no. The reason Your Mama would not be found sleeping up in this house is because the house is reported to be haunted.

Of course, Your Mama has no peersonal experience of the house being haunted, but Mister Aykroyd, a man with a huge and well known fascination of all things paranormal, claims himself that the house is inhabited by apparitions, stating that a poltergeist has gotten into bed with him (what!?!), turned on the Stairmaster, and moved jewelry across the dresser. He also said, "I'm sure it's Mama Cass because you get the feeling it's a big ghost."

Children, back in our university days, Your Mama lived in a haunted house, and let us tell you, there was no peace to be found in that house. That damn ghost would rattle things, hide things and STEAL things. Yes, we said steal things. I'm telling you the honest truth here babies. Your Mama came home from Latin class one day to find all the drinking cups in the house gone. GONE. Another day we returned home to find all the flatware had vanished. After having a crazy fat lady come over and do a séance in the middle of the night during which the entire second floor of the house heated up to more 90 degrees and the walls began to sweat, Your Mama packed up and moved our belongings out of that scary house right quick.

Anyhoo, despite our passionate love of white sofas, Your Mama finds most of the interior photos of this house to be done up in a boring Pottery Barn 101 style that has collided with a frumpy British woman. Except for that amazing library, which looks like something marvelous and decadent out of a mad Count's castle in Bavaria, or maybe the library in a massive 16-room Park Avenue palace inhabited by an educated and bohemian heiress and her well-traveled and well-read male companion.

The flat and grassy backyard area certainly provides enough space to run the dogs and exercise the children until they drop from exhaustion, and the natural stone pool deck appears to be sufficiently sunny. Your Mama is certainly not keen on that massive chunk of lattice work we see on the end of the house, but we do imagine it's a sun dappled and cool spot to suck down gin and tonics while the children frolic in the pool with their various nannies and security personnel.

Property records reveal that in addition to this Hollywood Hills house, The Canadian born Mister Aykroyd, a co-founder of the House of Blues empire, appears to maintain another Los Angeles residence on Selma Avenue, which records indicate he owns in partnership with his brother Peter, an actor and psychic researcher, whatever that is. We also located residences for Mister Aykroyd in on East 89th Street in New York City, as well as a property on Martha's Vineyard, a favorite East Coast hangout for the rich, famous and discreet. Some reports say that Mister Aykroyd also maintains a summer home in Kingston, Ontario, Canada, around Loughborough Lake.

A March 2002 report in Forbes stated that the couple had put their Hollywood Hills house on the market for $2,500,000. However, property records reveal that the famous couple continue to own the property.

Your Mama wishes the couple all the luck in the world getting this house leased out to someone very rich who does not mind having a phantom crawl into bed with them at night. Certainly in the the strange and eccentric sprawl of Los Angeles, there has to be at least a couple of people curious to know what it's like to live with the ghost of Mama Cass, right?

Sources: Forbes, The Guardian UK, CBC, About.com

Scary Spice Double Whammy

SELLER: Melanie Brown, aka Mel B, aka Scary Spice
LOCATION: 5656 Hill Oak Drive, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $1,810,000 (sale price)
SIZE: 2,990 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: "The Oaks." Fabulous city and canyon views. Huge private deck plus pool. Remodeled with great cooks kitchen with BBQ and all Viking appliances. 3 bedroom suites, high ceiling living room and dining room area. Wood floors and security system.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: This morning Your Mama is going to piggy back on Mister Big Time's excellent scoop from earlier this week about Melanie Brown (aka Mel B, aka Scary Spice, aka Eddie Murphy's baby mama) buying and selling houses in Los Angeles.

First let's start with the property that Miz Scary Spice purchased back in June of 2003 for $1,495,000 and recently sold for $1,810,000. The property, nestled in the crook of the street with lovely views of the canyon, is located up in the desirable Los Feliz neighborhood called "The Oaks," which is of course the same neck of the woods that Mister Angelina Jolie has long owned a compound of properties on Valley Oak Drive and Briarcliff Road, and also the area where OCD house flipper Jeff Lewis often does bizness.

In April, the much in the news Miz Scary Spice pushed out a baby that recently engaged Eddie Murphy, who already fathered a half dozen children, has been reluctant to claim. Naturally, an epic, public, and bitter battle has ensued over child support and such. Then she up and married some music or movie producer dude named Stephen Belafonte, who she got with while she had Eddie Murphy's baby in her belly and appears to have paternity and child support issues of his own. The beleaguered tabloid queen and new mommy will soon be hitting the dance floor on the disturbing but fascinating Dancing With The Stars program. It has been reported that Victoria Beckham, the publicity hungriest Spice Girl of all, would like to design Miz Scary Spice's sequined and high-slitted outfits. Hmm.

Anyhoo, Your Mama is kinda digging the former House of Scary Spice. Yes, it does sit a little too close to the road for our liking, but we like the easy maintenance front garden which surely cuts down on the landscaping bills. Fortunately the front facade does not appear to have many windows because we do NOT need the dog walking neighbors peeping in the front windows trying to get a look at our furniture and artworks.

Once inside, we appreciate the high wood ceilings and the informal layout. The recently renovated kitchen looks both sleek and warm and of course Your Mama loves all the Viking appliances. We might have considered a nice tiled back splash behind the sink. Your Mama is feeling mixed on the baby blue master bathroom. Maybe it just needs a lovely photograph on the wall behind the tub? Or maybe it just looks devoid of life because there are no lotions and potions to be seen? Is it dark? Is there a window in here?

All the major rooms of this home spill out to the mammoth deck that stretches across the back of the house and provides an excellent location for our pussycat Sugar to stretch out in the sun. The deck leads to the lovely kidney shaped pool. Given that the South facing deck is drenched with the scorching sun most of the day, we are pleased and relieved to find a nice shady spot behind the swimming pool for afternoon naps.

We can't imagine why Miz Scary Spice would sell this seemingly well outfitted single story house and move to another, but she did. It can't be because she wanted more yard for the brat, or a more child friendly property, because the new house, as you'll note, does not have any more yard space than this house and is certainly no more children friendly. Your Mama is convinced that celebrities, even the "b" and "c" list celebrities, just like to move frequently.
BUYER: Melanie Brown, aka Mel B, aka Scary Spice
LOCATION: Mount Olympus Drive, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $3,000,000 (sale price)
SIZE: 3,476 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Sophisticated vibe. Understated luxury! Ultra chic showpiece w/ commanding city to ocean views. This 4 BD, 3.5 BA contemporary has been recently redesigned to integrate a sexy vibe w/ an ambiance of understated luxury. Private entry leads to hip outdoor lounge, pool & spa. Spacious open floor plan features sleek stylized doors, gourmet kitchen, fire & ice F/P, walls of seamless glass, floating staircase, hot master suite w/ views, F/P and infinity spa bath. A Mecca for the ultra sophisticated.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Okay babies, although we are not fond of the Mount Olympus location (nice views and great central location, but too many horrendous and ugly houses to look at as you drive through the nabe), we like Miz Scary Spice's newly renovated new house, even if it is a little W Hotel in its interior appointments for our taste.

Keep in mind that the decor in the photographs is NOT that of Miz Scary Spice, so we can't knock her for that uber gay and frightening close up of Madonna's face on the dining room wall, which is so impossibly and heinously in error that it is almost not worth mentioning. Almost.

Naturally we would prefer a gated motor court in a house in this price range so that the neighbors aren't able to see what groceries we're buying or what celebrity we're squirreling into the house, but unfortunately for Miz Scary Spice, all that bizness will be played out in the tabloids.

One of the features that Your Mama likes about this house is that it both faces the interior courtyard where the swimming pool and spa are located, but it also faces the big views towards the ocean from the Southern side of the house.

As cliche and over-done as they are, Your Mama digs the espresso colored floors and the cabinetry in the kitchen. The juxtaposition of the white counter tops is lovely and even more lovely if it's Carrara marble.

But hands down, our favorite feature of this property is the outdoor covered living room area near the front entry doors and the kidney shaped swimming pool (lowest right photo). This shady and cool location looks like an excellent spot to get out of the blazing sun and read all the glossy tabs. This space would be even better if it had a fireplace, but alas, the addition of that feature appears to have been overlooked.

Given that Miz Scary Spice just had a child, we're a little surprised that she would choose a residence with a floating (read: dangerous for children) staircase and acres of floor to ceiling seamless glass that she is going to have to pay the nanny extra to keep fingerprint free. Also, there is no yard here for a jungle gym or sand box, so we imagine Miz Scary Spice is going to have to pack it up and move again with the peanut is a toddler.

Your Mama wishes Miz Scary Spice luck on Dancing With the Stars. Everyone has high hopes for you gurl. You were a singing and dancing pop star at one time, after all. And we wish her some peace and quiet in her life, because hunny, you might get off on the drama and resulting publicity with Mister Eddie Murphy, but Your Mama assures you, that baby of yours will not.

Nic Cage Finally Puts Bel Air House on the Open Market

SELLER: Nic Cage
LOCATION: Copa de Oro Road, Bel Air, CA
PRICE: $19,750,000 (reduced from $35,000,000)
SIZE: 11,817 square feet, 9 bedrooms, 9 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Legendary Dean Martin/Tom Jones English Bel Air manor. This landmark estate, on over 1 acre of lush grounds & gardens both front & back, with over 11,000 sq. ft. of luxurious living, is fit for royalty. High ceilings, beautiful theater, huge custom wine cellar, game room, Olympic size pool and circular driveway with fountain. This exquisite home is a glorious piece of art.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Well, it's official. There have long been whispers and rumors that crazy haired Nic Cage's big Bel Air house was quietly on the market...and it was. Then, this morning, the bat phone rang and on the other end was our Fairy Godmother in Bel Air who was giddy and gleeful to inform us that the legendary property has hit the open market for an eye popping $35,000,000.

Everybody knows that Nic Cage is real estate obsessed and owns a dozen or more properties around the world including a couple of historic homes in New Orleans, a home on Paradise Island in the Bahamas AND a 40 acre private island in the Bahamas, at least one house in Las Vegas, at least one house in San Francisco, a busted up Bavarian Schloss, a Georgian townhouse in Bath, England, as well as a castle in Bath, and his most recent purchase, a behemoth 12 bedroom house in Newport, Rhode Island. Mister Big Time has a very nice accounting of several of Mister Cage's recent purchases.

So it makes sense that the big bucks actor would begin to sell a couple of the properties off. Your Mama just aches at the thought of what it costs Mister Cage and his much younger ex-waitress wifey Alice Kim to maintain all of these massive properties, not to mention his yearly tax bill, which Your Mama imagines must be upwards of $1,000,000.

Listing information indicates the property is vacant, which might explain why Mister Cage and Miz Kim have decided to put the place on the open market. Your Mama hasn't a clue to which of their many, many properties they've decamped, but we're sure that's to make news shortly.

Mister Cage purchased the monster mansion in 1998 from cheese ball crooner Tom Jones for an undisclosed price, but reported to have been around $7,000,0000. The house also once belonged to Dean Martin, another iconic Las Vegas gadabout and singer.

Listing information for the property shows the house includes living and dining rooms, naturally, ad den, library/study, lanai, media room, office, projection room, amazing wine cellar, family room, loft, an Olympic sized swimming pool and a sauna. But there isn't a tennis court, so the truly sportiff will still need to join the nearby Bel Air Country Club if they like to swing the rackets with a hunky tennis pro.

Photos for the property are slim, but we imagine it's SPECTACULAR and we can't wait to see them.

SOURCE: Pacific Coast News (photo)

UPDATE: Brad Garrett

SELLER: Brad Garrett
LOCATION: Jim Bridger Road, Hidden Hills, CA
PRICE: $8,790,000
SIZE: 10,223 square feet, 6 bedrooms, 8.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Rare opportunity to acquire a magnificent celebrity owned estate within the prestigious guard gated community of Hidden Hills. Built in 2004, the French Country manor boasts 10,000 plus sq. ft. on over an acre of lushly landscaped grounds. Grmt kit w 2 islands, walk-in pantry & butler's kit. Master suite w/f/p & sumptuous bath w/ steam shower. Amazing screening rm w/ 120" screen. Sparkling pool, spa fruit treet & Zen garden w/ waterfall. 6 car garage. No expense spared on this corner lot w/ views.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Looks like big Brad Garrett is getting very serious about selling his gigantic Hidden Hills house. Your Mama first discussed this property back in April when it had and asking price of $9,250,000. The price was recently chopped by $460,0000 to a still very expensive $8,790,000.

The lumbering and deep voiced actor and his wifey purchased the bare property in February of of 2004 for $6,384,000 and proceeded to custom build this behemoth residence at what must have been considerable cost. Which means that after the price chop, the real estate fees, and the closing costs, there may not be much in the way of profit.

We'd feel bad about the slim profit margin on this house, but we assume Mister Garrett has a piece of the Everybody Loves Raymond residual pie which would give him a hefty income for many years to come.

Alex Band Flips Out in the Outpost Estates

SELLER: Alex Band and Jennifer Sky
LOCATION: Outpost Drive, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $2,995,000
SIZE: 2,668 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Outpost Estates, highly detailed 1920s Spanish Hacienda with courtyard entry. Gated double lot with park like grounds. Vaulted beamed ceiling living rm with orig. leaded glass windows. Spacious formal dining room, charming kitchen with antique stove and breakfast room. Single level floor plan featuring large master with luxurious bath and French doors opening to the pool. Walled and gated with motor-court and amazing rolling lawns, gardens, fountains, and dramatic observation terrace.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: These very young dudes from the rock band The Calling, which all reports say is on hiatus while members pursue solo careers, certainly seem to have made a lot of money for a band most people have probably never heard of. Or maybe it's just Your Mama who has never heard of them?

Not too long ago we discussed the West Hollywood property of another of the co-founders of The Calling, Aaron Kamin, who has been trying to sell his N. Kings Road house, which happens to sit di-rectly across the street from the house Paris Hilton recently sold to a couple of attorneys from Texas.

And now, the other co-founder of the little known band, the aptly named youngster Alex Band, has put his expensive house on the market. Your Mama is all perplexed and confused, and we are wondering, who are these 20-something year old brats that are living up in $3,000,000 houses? A little research tells Your Mama that Alex Band, who is flipping his gorgeous piece of property in the Outpost Estates section of Los Angeles, comes from a Hollywood family with enough money to own a castle in Italy. And he has an ack-tress wifey named Jennifer Sky who seems to have a fair number of credits on her resume. But more importantly to the band members' pocketbooks, they have written several songs that have been used on television and film soundtracks, which is perhaps where they've made their real money.

Property records indicate the couple only purchased the property, which covers two lots, in March of 2006 for $2,705,000, which means that after they pay their real estate fees and closing costs, they'll be lucky to get out with the pennies they put in to buying the property.

Your Mama has a lot of positive feelings about this property, which sits just up the road from the house that Jason Priestley sold to girlfriend Jill Marie Jones. But before we gush about how much we like this property, let's just say that as much as Your Mama loves the houses up in Outpost Estates, Outpost Drive, the main thoroughfare though the neighborhood scares the bejeezis out of us.

For all the children who have never driven up or coasted down Outpost Drive, let Your Mama educate you on the geography. Outpost Drive starts down low off of Franklin Avenue and climbs the hillside in a constant and fairly steep grade until it reaches Mulholland Drive at the crest of the hill. What this means is that it requires a damn tank of gas to haul the big BMW up to the top of the hill, and while no gas is used to coast down the hill, ev-er-ee-bodee in that neck of the woods knows the breakneck speeds at which all the hair brained daredevils coast down the hill in their mammoth Range Rovers and Yukons. Do not, we repeat, do not let your precious pooches anywhere near that road without putting them on a leash. Probably shouldn't allow your children in the street either, but Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter are less concerned about your 7 year olds than we are with our own long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly.

Anyhoo, Mister Band and Miz Sky's single story Spanish style house has a lot for Your Mama to love, including the tile roof, white washed exterior walls, modestly sized, if unusually shaped swimming pool, gorgeous wood floors, the excellent wood beamed ceiling in the living room, and wonderfully terraced grounds that climb the hillside for amazing views. Now of course Your Mama would need to strap a breathing apparatus to our back to get up to the sky high observation terrace, but if the Dr. Cooter were to haul up a big bottle of chilled gin, it just might be worth the effort.

Yes, we'd lose the flesh colored paint in the dining room, and the kitchen needs some real appliances rather than that low brow dishwasher that looks like it was bought at Home Despot, on sale. But otherwise this is the sort of property Your Mama likes best, modest, private, and in a solid and unpretentious neighborhood.

Your Mama would like to thank The Rolling Stone for once again tipping us off to another fantastic celebrity house. Children, you should all thank The Rolling Stone too for his many and gleeful contributions to our little blog.

Bizzy as a Bee

Children, Your Mama is bizzy as a bee today so instead of bitching and complaining to Your Mama about how lazy we are, why don't you go back and read some of our older discussions...there are hundreds to choose from.

We'll be back later today with more juicy homes, so sit tight babies.

Bye now.

UPDATE: Reed Krakoff

About one hundred years ago Your Mama discussed with the children the dee-luxe Manhattan townhouse that leather goods honcho Reed Krakoff had on the market for $14,995,000 (reduced from $15,995,000). In fact we've discussed several properties owned by this president of Coach and his interior decorator wifey Delphine, including a couple of their Hamptons digs.

This morning celebrity real estate gossip titan Braden Keil at the NY Post tells us in his Gimme Shelter column that the East 61st Street townhouse was purchased by the very tall Roger Waters, the co-founder of the cult rock band Pink Floyd, who know doubt appreciated the tall ceilings in his new house.

As has been reported far and wide, Mister Krakoff and Delphine will be moving to a larger townhouse on East 70th Street which they purchased quite some time ago and has been undergoing renovations.

Damien Wayans' Mullet House In the Hollywood Hills

SELLER: Damien Wayans
LOCATION: Caverna Drive, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $2,050,000
SIZE: 3,617 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Exquisite newly renovated 5 bed, 4.5 bath in LAs hottest location. Mediterranean style villa with beautiful views from every room. Stainless steel appliances, new roof, granite counter tops, Venetian plaster throughout, high ceilings, beautiful stained espresso wood floors, and the only pool and Jacuzzi in the area!! An entertainers dream due to open spaces, loads of natural light, and impeccable accents throughout. Must see to believe.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: We are prolly going to get lambasted and hung up by our toenails for saying this out loud, but Your Mama thinks of the the Wayans family as the black version of the Baldwin brothers...or maybe the Baldwin brothers are the white version of the Wayans family? Whatever the case, there are so many Wayans' that are rich and successful celebrities that Your Mama can hardly keep them all straight in our befuddled mind.

Damien Wayans, the owner of this Hollywood Hills house, is the nephew of a whole slew of Wayans' including Dwayne, Keenen Ivory, Kim, Marlon, and Shawn. Our mister Damien Wayans, who seems to prefer to keep his age and birth date a bit of a secret, is a jack of all Hollywood trades having wrote and directed several episodes of uncle Damon's show My Wife and Kids, as well as appearing in several films and television programs including House M.D., Little Man, and Malibu's Most Wanted with funny man Jamie Kennedy.

Children, this is one of those awful mullet houses: short and all bizness in the front and tall and party-like in the back. Drive up to this house and it appears to be a modest quasi Mediterranean style one story residence. Step through the door and you realize it's three–count them, one, two, three–long flights of stairs down to the damn swimming pool through this house that clings to the side of the mountain like it knows an earthquake is on its way.

Since Your Mama has never actually been inside this house, we can not tell you very accurately how the place is laid out, but suffice to say that there are rooms spread up and down three levels of living space, and that does not even count the pool deck which is on an additional fourth level all of it's own. Lawhd children, this house was clearly built for one of those all too common and too tan Los Angeles exercise nuts who thinks it's cute and useful to work the glutes while climbing stairs to get from one room to the next. Please. Your Mama does not need to get our heart rate up just because we are in the living room watching the deliciously disturbing Wife Swap and get a hankering for hunk of cheese located in the kitchen that is one flight up. Or down.

The public rooms are certainly adequate and even a wee bit dramatic with the dark floors, high ceilings and difficult to clean windows. The kitchen appears to have been recently renovated in a somewhat upscale but ordinary fashion. Nothing to complain about, but nothing to write about either.

The swimming pool and spa are indeed a lovely feature that, as the listing notes, are rare in this part of the hills. Your Mama would prefer the house and pool deck face the other direction with a view towards the ocean and the modest downtown Los Angeles skyline, but we imagine it might still be relaxing to sit poolside while Esmerelda the Miracle Worker performs one of her intensely fulfilling Mani-Pedis while we gaze out over the San Fernando Valley sipping a very stiff gin and tonic (lots of lime, please).

Now let's move on to the bathroom, the most significant and upsetting issue we note in the photographs. Children, we're just going to say it because we know you are already thinking it... this beige tiled bathroom looks like it belongs in some filthy and tawdry gay bathhouse in Kansas City. Your Mama does not mean to infer or even suggest anything about Mister Wayans sexual preference, 'cause we don't know anything about it. We are just saying that this wet room would make a coupla greased up and closeted married men traveling on bizness beside themselves with glee.

Property records reveal that Mister Damien Wayans purchased this property in August of 2005 for $1,350,000 which means that after he deducts the renovation costs and real estate fees he just might pocket a few hundred thousand clams for his troubles.

Your Mama hears from someone who would know that this house was recently toured at by boy band bad boy Nick Carter. Is five bedrooms enough to house his half dozen unruly and hostile siblings? If that horror show House of Carters is any evidence, Your Mama thinks not.

Anyhoo, a little birdie tells us that Mister Damien Wayans is selling off his Valley view house because he's picking up, packing up and heading to New York City. We have not been able to confirm that with any of this people, so please children, don't repeat that like you heard it on Entertainment Tonight.

P.S. Children, it is DAMIEN. Damien Dante Wayans to be exact. There is, of course, a Damon, who is DAMIEN's cuzzin. I know it's confusing, but just google his damn name.

Linda Evans Offers Beverly Hills House for Lease

OWNER: Linda Evans
LOCATION: Hazen Drive, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $14,500 / month
SIZE: 3,904 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 5.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Most charming & romantic gated country estate in town on one of most prestigious streets. Large motor court with circular driveway and huge lawn full of rose bushes. Totally private at end of cul de sac with lovely pool & brick patio ideal for al fresco dining. Exquisitely decorated and furnished, with hardwood floors, french doors, moldings etc. Gst hse-bonus room can be used as office, gym or staff.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Her Krystle Carrington days are long over and she is barely ever seen on the television, but that has not stopped Linda Evans from getting the old Hollywood nip tuck, stretch and pull not to mention getting gallon of collagen injected in to her lips giving her an embarrassing "trout pout" that puts the once pixiesh Meg Ryan to shame. The ack-tress, who famously dated that disturbing New Age musician Yanni for ten years, long ago moved to Tacoma, Washington to be near her spiritual guru, JZ Knight, who claims to channel a 35,000 year old Lemurian warrior. Whatever the fuck that is, Your Mama does not want to know. Anyhoo, we recall reading a report some time ago that Miz Evans also owns a string of fitness centers up in Washington, but she still hangs on to her long time Beverly Hills home, perhaps in the deflating hopes of a small screen comeback.

Thanks to the quick work of our Fairy Godmother in Bel Air, we have learned that the two time Playboy model leases her Beverly Hills property out, presumably to pay the taxes, maintenance and etc., but Your Mama does not actually know why she leases it out. Maybe she needs the money. Maybe the Lemurian warrior needs the money. Maybe it's dangerous to let a house sit empty way up in canyons of Beverly Hills. Whatever.

Located on Hazen Drive in the 90210 post office, the single story house measures 3,904 square feet with 4 bedrooms and 5.5 bathrooms. Property records show that Miz Evans was granted this house in her dee-vorce from real estate executive Stan Herman in 1981, but we were unable to determine if she and ex-huzband owned the house prior to that date.

Currently available for lease at $14,500/per month, listing information shows that the property includes a gated circular drive, maids quarters, a sauna, heated swimming pool, detached garage, and a guest house / bonus room that can be used as an office, gym, or to house additional staff.

No pictures of this one yet, so we can't confirm or deny whether the house is in fact exquisitely decorated or if it's a throwback to mirrored 1980s glamour where one might expect lacquer haired Loni Anderson to come sweeping into the room at any moment, or maybe former soap opera villain turned fashion and diet "expert" Brenda Dickson (or even better, the parody of Miz Dickson).

UPDATE: Vera Wang

Looks like uber broker Deborah Grubman (step-mommy to PR maven Lizzie Grubman), didn't have to work very hard to sell Vera Wang's $35,000,000 Park Avenue apartment. The website for Corcoran, the brokerage to which the elder Miz Grubman is associated, shows the 14 room apartment as being in contract.

This is no small feat children, because 778 Park Avenue, the super swanky Rosario Candela designed building in which the sprawling full floor unit is located, requires buyers purchase the apartment with cash. That's all cash kids, no mortgages allowed.

Although we have zero inside knowledge of who the buyer might be, Your Mama presumes that the apartment is being purchased by a hedgie who's looking to park a wad of easy-earned cash for safe keeping in the event that the bottom falls out of the hedge fund market.

Can everyone see Miz Grubman doing the money dance as she calculates her massive commission?

Sources: City Realty (photo)

Rachel Ashwell's Shabby Chic Rental in Malibu

OWNER: Rachel Ashwell
LOCATION: Malibu Colony Road, Malibu, CA
PRICE: $20,000 / month
SIZE: 1,783 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Beautiful "Shabby Chic" decorated Malibu Colony land side home. Updates home. Great back patio with spa and views of mountains above Serra Retreat. Close to private beach access across the street with deck. Truly, a charming home.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Love it or hate it, the "Shabby Chic" style of interior design has made it's creator and guru Rachel Ashwell rich enough to buy a beach house in the uber-exclusive Malibu Colony. Although, perhaps not so rich that she doesn't like to make some extra money renting it out to help defray the mortgage and maintenance costs.

Currently available to lease at 20,000 clams per month, the modest and even shabby looking house occupies a land side lot in the celebrity friendly and guard gated Malibu Colony, where part time residents include Hollywood luminaries such as Jim Carry, Tom Hanks, Sting and Trudie Styler, Brian Grazer (recently sold), Ted Danson and Mary Steenburgen (currently on the market), and of course, let's not forget She-rah, High Priestess of the Malee-boo bikini scene Pam Anderson, who also owns a land side house that she often leases out.

Miz Ashwell's less than glamorous house, lacking an ocean view, backs up to the private golf course that billionaire Spanish language television honcho Jerrold Perenchio built for himself in 1982, and the brick patio at the back of the property looks out over the impressive mountains above The Serra Retreat, another guard gated celebrity enclave, where floundering pop tart Britney Spears recently sold her former marital house of horrors for $10,000,000.

Speaking of that poor Britney Spears...Oh lawhd children, Your Mama is worried something fierce about his gurl after her humiliating performance at the VMAs and the subsequent news that her dee-vorce attorney and her manager Jeff Kwatinetz dumped her. We just hope that Alli Sims person is watching Britney like a hawk, because we are deeply concerned there's going to be trouble when the authorities come to take her babies away. Honestly, we're not a fan of Miz Spears and her gyrating and lip synching ways, but that does not mean Your Mama wants to see the gurl go down like this.

Anywhoo, back in the fall of 2006 when Miz Spears and the FedEx wisely decided to part ways, the troubled and tacky lip synch performer packed her Mercedes convertible and headed to the Malibu Colony where she reportedly leased this house. Your Mama has heard through the Malee-boo grapevine that the other residents, certainly no strangers to the glaring and glitzy lights of celebrity, were apoplectic over the attention the tabloid queen brought to the nabe not to mention hateful as hornet by the excessive effort it took to get in and out of the gates with all the swarming paparazzi trying to snap lucrative photos of Britney's fast sinking ship.

Miz Ashwell purchased this ranch-style house in February of 2003 for just $1,950,000. Now babies, we know that sounds like a lot of money to be slammed up against your neighbors in an itty bitty house with no water view, but in the stratospheric and mind bending world of Malee-boo real estate, $1,950,000 ain't shit. Your Mama presumes that this house, ordinary and unappealing as it's exterior may be, is worth a couple million more than the $1,950,000 that was paid for the property back in 2003.

Your Mama appreciates and even prefers a beach house that is modest, not overly fussy, and does not try to prove to the neighbors that you have more money than they do. And ev-er-ee-bodee that has ever read this blog knows Your Mama likes a white damn sofa. But we are not so keen to the overall Shabby Chic scheme which tends to looks like an somewhat updated Grandma's house.

We note and applaud that Miz Ashwell has loaded the kitchen up with expensive Viking appliances, and we do dig a glammy mirrored dresser like the one in the bedroom. We are not feeling that bean bag in the family room that looks upsettingly like a de-boned sheep that's been flung on the floor, and we sincerely think the living/dining room would be better served by a long, black and waxed farmhouse table that would help the eye to relax and rest rather than be in constant motion over all that white and nearly white furniture that keeps the eye moving in dizzying circles.

Interestingly, we don't see a shimmering chandelier anywhere in these photos, which is a staple Shabby Chic item. Hmm.

For those 10 or 12 children that would like to do over their homes Rachel Ashwell style, let Your Mama give y'all a brief primer on how to do Shabby Chic. The first thing to do is go to your local flea market and buy up a truckload of cheap furniture and have loose fitting white cotton slipcovers made for all the upholstered pieces. If you can't afford the custom slip covers, you can also buy them pre-made at low end shopping emporiums like Target, although they will fit poorly and look like you've stretched white garbage bags over the furniture. Next, paint all the wood pieces with an antique white paint and then sand it down with sandpaper and beat the hell out of it with a length of chain to give it that lived in look. Mix it all up with a sparkling, and preferably expensive chandelier, shelf after shelf mismatched china, vintage linens, and floral bed clothes. Be sure to spread a lot candles around to make it all seem romantic. Voila!

There are actually some much better photographs of this house on the Oprah Winfrey website that are part of a series she does about designer's homes. Now, we don't watch Oprah, in fact Your Mama avoids her talk program at all costs, so we can't tell you anything about the series, but the photos ton the website certainly present Miz Ashwell's Malee-boo beach house in a much kinder and gentler light.

Sources: Perez Hilton, PR9, TMZ, Oprah

The Former Madonna Estate Goes on the Block

SELLER: A Couple of Ludwicks
LOCATION: N. Roxbury Drive, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $17,495,000
SIZE: 6,458 square feet, 8 bedrooms, 9 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Trophy Wallace Neff compound north of Sunset. Built in 1926 and renovated in 2007. The most sophisticated and authentic estate on the market. Complete privacy behind wrought iron gates. Two guest houses. Eight bedrooms, 9 lavish baths. Gorgeous formal gardens.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Looks like the former Beverly Hills palace of her Madgesty Madonna Ciccone Penn Ritchie has hit the market with a staggering asking price of $17,495,000. According to property records, Miss Madge sold the property to the current owners in October of 2004 for $8,750,000

Property records reveal that Miz Madonna purchased the .59 acre property on N. Roxbury Drive with it's big Wallace Neff designed house from Diane Keaton in May of 2000 for an undisclosed sum of money, although it was reported to be around $6,500,000.

Both Madge and Miz Keaton have a history of owning architecturally significant and storied homes around Los Angeles. Miz Keaton once owned and oversaw and exquisite renovation of the old Ramon Novarro house at 2255 Verde Oak Drive in Los Feliz that was originally designed by Frank's progeny Lloyd Wright. The property was later owned (and sold) by super skinny ack-tress Christina Ricci.

In the early to mid-1990s The Kabbalah Queen owned "Longdons Castle," named after the original owner Patrick Longdon. However, it is indeed more often referred to as "Castillo Del Lago." The 7,783 square foot pile, located at 6342 Mulholland Highway, is rumored to have been used by Bugsy Siegel in the 1940s as a gambling house and was sold by the music icon in 1996 for $5,300,000. Of course, everyone knows by now that when Madge is visiting Los Angeles, she and the family bed down in the big Bev Hills house on Sunset Boulevard she bought for around $12,000,000 from ack-tress Sela Ward in 2003.

Listing information for the N. Roxbury property indicates that the house has been freshly renovated in 2007 and includes two luscious guest houses...plenty of room for the staff and guests that get up in your hair and bizness by staying too long...8 bedrooms, 9 bathrooms, and formal gardens. Pictures of the property are slim, but Your Mama swoons over the wood beamed living room with the fireplace as it's focal point. The kitchen, certainly well appointed with high end appliances and gadgetry isn't to our aesthetic liking, although we are sorta grooving on those wacky chairs around the breakfast table.

The house is not currently owned by a celebrity. However, given the privacy, location and price, Your Mama thinks that it might be appealing to a very rich celebrity or industry type who is not interested in piloting their fat Range Rover through the twisted and narrow roads of the Hills of Beverly.

Your Mama would like to thank Little Jack Horner for the heads up on on this property.

Keith Urban's Suburban Mansion

SELLER: Keith Urban
LOCATION: Bancroft Place, Nashville, TN
PRICE: $2,450,000
SIZE: 7,047 square feet, 4 bedrooms 5 full and 2 half bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Tranquil celebrity retreat. Private yet convenient. Recently completed, landscaped & decorated for most discriminating clients. Interior spaces flow freely & offer spectaular hillside views. Public areas open to covered terrace, pool/spa.

YOUR MAMA NOTES: Let's head on down to Nashville, home of the Grand Ol' Opry, Al Gore, and a couple of big name Australians named Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban. Over the weekend, a very bizzy weekend mind y'all who just think we're lazy, we received a frantic call from a Nashville tipster we affectionately call The Nashville House Whore (N.H.W.), who breathlessly told us that Keith Urban, the freshly rehabbed country crooner who is somewhat improbably married to porcelain skinned ack-tress Nicole Kidman, recently put his suburban mansion on the market for $2,450,000.

Located in a ritzy section of Nashville called Forrest Hills, the house sits in a small gated enclave of newly built and like minded mansions where the elite of Nashville decamp to wide green lawns, long curving driveways and backyard bbqs. Urban's neck of the woods, leafy and suburban as it may be, is not reached by peacefully driving through the green streets of Nashville. Oh no. Nashville is a a suburban city where exclusive gated enclaves line the highways and byways.

Listing information for the property indicates that the house was only recently built and decorated, so it's unclear to Your Mama whether Mister and Missus Urban ever slept a single night in this house. Certainly with Miz Urban in Australia making a movie called Australia with Baz Luhrmann, and Mister Urban's somewhat recent stint in rehab learning to resist the booze, it does seem possible that the house was never properly occupied by the celebrity couple.

Property records indicate the house measures in at a fairly large 8,835 square feet, which is much larger than the 7,047 square feet that is shown on listing information. Your Mama can not be sure why this discrepancy.

The rather boring interior of the house looks like a model home in an upscale development of tract homes, and is strangely devoid of any life or personality. We can appreciate the soft taupe and blue color scheme in the formal living room and the high ceilings are a nice touch. But once we get into beige recreation room with the fancy legged pool table, we swear we've stumbled into the section of the country club where the children are stashed so that the parents can slowly marinate themselves in martinis without the kids hassling them and asking questions every five minutes.

The kitchen looks well appointed, if ordinary. Certainly it is large enough for Lucinda the housekeeper to whip up breakfast for the family and dinner for the snobby neighbors, which is perhaps all that's important here. The Master bedroom, a banal study in beige and white, appears to get a lot of light from a good number of windows. Note the private terrace off the master bedroom, a perfectly private place for the Master and Mistress of the house to smoke a doobie before "retiring" for the evening.

Sometimes Your Mama, who gets stuck in the celebrity heavy locales of Los Angeles and New York, forgets that Nashville is loaded with celebrities too, mostly of the country western variety. The N.H.W. informs Your Mama that there are several other big name entertainers living near the Urban manse including LeAnn Rimes and her pretty househuzband Dean Sheremet, the venerable Barbara Mandrell lives just a mile down Highway 431 on Bridleway Trail, and red headed Ronnie Dunn from country western juggernaut Brooks and Dunn lives just around the corner from Miz Mandrell on a 16 acre spread on Old Hickory Boulevard.

Your Mama hears from the N.H.W. that all the Nashville gossips are whispering that Mister and Missus Urban have purchased one of the penthouse units in the 70 floor Signature Tower, one of the new high-rise developments in downtown Nashville. Some say it's just a publicity ploy by the building, some say it's not true, and some, like Your Mama simply don't know. We're just repeating gossip children, so don't go spreading this around like it's the gospel.

It's clear from the price of the Urban pile that a millionaire's money goes a lot farther in Nashville than in does in the rarified zip codes that comprise Beverly Hills, Bel Air, Malee-boo, New York City and the obscenely expensive Hamptons. However, no offense Nashvillians, Your Mama imagines that unless you're a famous person who strums a gee-tar or talks with a twang (or marries someone who does), you'll not be moving to Tennessee any time soon.

As some of the children know from previous discussions, Miz Kidman used to shack up in the very building Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter maintain a residence in New York City. Many times we ran into the pin thin ack-tress as she glided out of the building wearing skin tight work out gear and into the back seat of a big black Suburban with very dark windows. We presume she was off to the gym, but since she never even looked at Your Mama or our impossibly cute long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly, let alone inform us where she was headed, we really don't know.

Anyhoo, after the troubles and trials of Mister Urban's addiction issues and the nonsense of Miz Kidman's marriage to that freaky Tom Crooz, not to mention her rumored affair with that durty rocker Lenny Kravitz, which would be enough to put anyone in the crazy house, Your Mama seriously wishes these two some peace, quiet, and happiness together.

Sources: A Socialite's Life, Cinematical, Red Carpet/Day Life

From Wayne Gretzky to Lenny Dykstra

SELLER: Wayne Gretzky
BUYER: Lenny Dykstra
LOCATION: Newbern Court, Westlake Village, CA
PRICE: $18,500,000 (list)
SIZE: 6.5 acres, 12,360 square feet, 6 bedrooms, 7 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Located in Sherwood Country Club Estates, this property has four buildings on 6.5 acres of panoramic lake vistas. Belle Epoque interiors, promenade terraces, luxury rooms and suites, gardens, pool and tennis court. This is a noble domicile!

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: This morning in the LA Times Hot Properties column, celebrity real estate diva Ruth Ryon discussed the tremendous neo-Georgian style brick pile that was recently sold by hockey legend Wayne Gretzky to baseball great Lenny Dykstra.

If Your Mama is being honest, and we always are, we don't know who the Wayne Gretzky or Lenny Dykstra is. We understand the unfortunately named Mister Dykstra is a baseball person, a sport we know little about, and we understand that Mister Gretzky is a hockey person, a savage and violent seeming sport we know zip about.

And you know what, late on Sunday night we simply can't be bothered to learn any more about these two clearly very rich sports figures.

The monster mansion, which includes two guest houses and a carriage house, is so far from anything that Your Mama can even comprehend, were not even going to make sassy and dishy commentary. Rather we're gong to have a moment of silence while y'all peruse the insanely traditional decor, the impressively intricate plaster work and moldings, and the expansive grounds.

Have fun kids.

The Hollywood Hills House of Lori Loughlin

SELLER: Lori Loughlin
LOCATION: Sierra Mar Drive, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $2,350,000
SIZE: 2,138 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: A perfectly sited, charming Cape Cod on a knoll with 180 degree views. Features include: formal entry that opens to a loggia with French doors to covered patio overlooking pool, spa, and gardens; Bright living room, formal dining room, cook's kitchen; Den/sitting room leads to private master suite. 2nd bedroom suite well separated from the master + a separate bonus bedroom w/ en suite bath; Gated drive, two car garage, views from downtown to Century City.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Looks like former Full House actress Lori Loughlin (pronounced Lock-lin) is letting go a little piece of her past. Back in 1989, when she was on her starter marriage to Michael Burns, the actress purchased this house on Sierra Mar Drive in the Hills of Hollywood for $975,000. The couple lived in this house until 1997 when Miz Loughlin took possession of the property, most likely as part of her dee-vorce settlement.

Miz Loughlin went on to marry up in 1997 when she wedded Mossimo Gianulli, the Italian fashionista responsible for the Mossimo fashion juggernaut. The couple pushed out a couple of babies in the late 1990s and more recently have been birthing a difference sort of baby on Bellagio Road in beauteous Bel Air, where they have been involved in a massive renovation of a 1.42 acre property they purchased in March 2002 for an undisclosed price.

Lucy Spillerguts, one of Your Mama's better connected sources, tell us that the couple and their children lived in the Sierra Mar Drive house as recently as the February of 2007, but we presume that they've vacated and are selling the property because they've moved in to their big and new Bel Air mansion.

On the market for $2,350,000 the Cape Cod style house sits just west of the famous Bird Streets on a promontory with lovely and long views across the LA Basin. Now children, we can't be certain that any of the furniture in this house actually belongs to the Gianulli/Loughlin family...for all we know it belongs to renters, but we're going to comment anyway.

Your Mama does not care for the furniture that makes the interior look like grandma's house in Topeka. The twin chintz-esque sofa in the den are bad, really bad, but the most offensive thing we see is that horrid round table in the corner of the living room with the tablecloth draped over it. Lahwd children, there has to be a better solution for a dead corner than a stoopid round table with a tablecloth. Like perhaps a tall rubber plant or something. Do any of the nice gay decorators out there have any ideas?

Your Mama does like the white on white kitchen with the shiny stainless steel SubZero refrigerator and the smallish Viking range, but we're not sure that's the flooring material we would have chosen. Your Mama does like the way the butcher block counters look, but quite honestly, we don't like they way they wear and worry about meat and egg juices getting trapped in the porous material. Your Mama loathes a microwave sitting on the counter taking up valuable work space, so we appreciate that the microwave oven, just to the right of the refrigerator, was given its own private cubby.

On to the bathroom where we find acres of old-fashioned white tile work. But hunnies, that is not the most grievous error in this poop room, is it? That's right kids, it's the funeral home worthy window covering which looks like something out of the Munster's mansion. Your Mama recommends this bit of upset be removed immediately.

The backyard is a fairly typical Los Angeles oasis with a kidney shaped pool. Now of course there is perhaps nothing more cliche than a kidney shaped pool in Los Angeles, but Your Mama likes the simplicity and modest size of this particular pool. Even more we love that covered patio area overlooking the pool which looks like a perfect shady spot to have our new house gurl Bettina serve Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter our afternoon gin and tonics while out new pussycat Sugar stretches in the sunshine.

In addition to the big Bel Air house the couple has been renovating, they also have a desert getaway on Talking Rock Turn in the gated Tradition Golf Club in La Quinta. Property records indicate the couple paid $425,000 in October of 1999 for the 6,175 square foot house that includes 4 bedrooms and 4.5 bathrooms. We suspect that price might have been just for the lot, but we've been unable to confirm that suspicion.

Your Mama wishes Miz Loughlin continued success in her come back to the small screen with her recent roles on Summerland (now canceled) as well as a new show that Your Mama has never heard of called In Case of Emergency with David Arquette.

P.S. When you have those itty bitty Olsen gurls over for your housewarming at the big new house in Bel Air, don't forget to invite Your Mama because we have a few things we need to discuss with them.

Sources: Internet Movie Data Base

UPDATE: Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne

BUYERS: Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne
LOCATION: Dixon Trail Road, Hidden Hills, CA
PRICE: reportedly around $10,000,000
SIZE: 2.35 acres, 10,930 square feet, 6 bedrooms, 10 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: The Osbournes have been on a buying and selling frenzy of late having sold their Doheny Road mansion in Beverly Hills to bun in the oven songbird Christina Aguillera and her music executive huzband Jordan Bratman. This is, of course, the house that was so prominently featured on the Osbourne's ridiculously banal reality show (sorry folks, but Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter thought that show was a sleeper).

The Osbournes have also recently purchased an enviable house in the Hollywood Hills for their oldest progeny Aimee, they appear to be in the process of unloading one of their two ocean front properties in Malee-boo (on the market at $10,995,000, see below), and they've purchased a spread in quasi rural Hidden Hills, where reports have them living now that they've vacated the Bev Hills house.
Of course, this incomplete list does not take into account their holdings in Britain, which includes a massive estate in Buckinghamshire, or any houses or condos they may or may not have purchased for their other children, the deliciously rebellious Kelly, and the newly somewhat svelte Jack.

Your Mama still thinks it's strange that fame hungry Sharon moved her doddering rock star huzband out to sleepy and uber-suburban Hidden Hills. Yes children, we know that Hidden Hills is full of celebrities living in huge houses in gated communities and all that crap, but somehow it just seems odd to think of glamour puss Sharon and the too damaged to be dangerous Ozzy roaming the streets of Hidden Hills in a pimped out Mercedes.

Anyhoo, the new Osbourne mansion on Dixon Trail Road sits towards the end of a cul-de-sac and will provide the couple with much needed peace, quiet and privacy. No more tour buses full of Belgian tourists buzzing the buzzer and trying to climb over the security wall like they did on Doheny Road.

Property records indicate that house measures in at a whopping 10,930 square feet with 6 bedrooms and 10 bathrooms and photos reveal that the exterior articulations too closely reference barn architecture for our liking. Your Mama presumes the house comes with all the necessary suburban celebrity mansion necessities including an overly scaled entrance hall with a sweeping staircase, large living room, banquet sized dining room, massive eat in kitchen with double ovens and all the bells and whistles, wood paneled library, office, den, game room, dual master baths, master suite with sitting room, staff quarters, and of course, a wine cellar. However, since the house appears never to have been on the open market we can not confirm it's luxe amenities.

The property features a detached staff unit or guest quarters, which may come in handy as the Osbournes get old and require live in assistance to help them into the shower and to pick up all the doggy doo the family's many itty bitty dogs are famous for leaving around the house.

Whatever the reasons for the Osbournes moving to Hidden Hills, Your Mama wishes them a happy home free of paparazzi at the front gate and a slew of camera wielding fanatics waiting for them to pull out of the driveway.

Sources: Pacific Coast News (photos)

Matthew McConnaughey Moves To a Malibu Mobile Home

RENTER: Matthew McConnaughey
LOCATION: Paradise Cove Road, Malibu, CA

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Did y'all know it is difficult to look up property records for mobile homes? Neither did Your Mama until we tried to locate some details on the Malee-boo mobile home that Matthew McConnaughey recently leased and came up empty handed in terms of how many square feet and the number of bedrooms and bathrooms.

Your Mama does not know if this man who has the over-developed and baby smooth body of a gay porn star is just a rich and famous dude who's keeping it real and does not require the trappings of wealth and fame, or if he's just plum outta his mind.

Ever since selling his trio of houses up in Nichols Canyon earlier this year, the curly headed exhibitionist has been living in a Malee-boo RV park in his gorgeous and sleek Airstream trailer. Now children, try to imagine driving the family in from Temecula or some other forsaken place, maneuvering the massive motor home into place only to find the rarely and barely dressed Mister McConnaughey stretching, arching, and otherwise making a spectacle of his obscenely hot body in the next camp site. Sure that's good if you're a coupla Queens from West Hollywood, but not so good if you've got suburban teenage daughters with braces who will go berserk at the site of Mister McConnaughey's pert nipples and rock hard thighs.

Rumor had it that his girlyfriend, Brazilian swim suit model Camilia Alves, was not interested in showering with the other campers in the public bathroom, and "insisted" Chesty to put down some more stable housing roots by suggesting they move into the Polaroid Beach House or some other place that's actually a house.

So what does the brainiac with the bad hair and body of death do? He leases a petite mobile home on the ocean side of Pacific Coast Highway that is just a few minutes walk from the surf. We're sure this place is nice as far as mobile homes go, but it is perhaps not exactly what Miz Alves had in mind. Your Mama imagines the ack-tor, who makes upwards of $8,000,000 (plus perks) per movie, is searching for more suitable ocean front digs to plant his bubble booty, but until then, Your Mama's sources say he'll be rubbing elbows with all the other mobile home dwellers in the park and no doubt getting them all hot and bothered with his nearly naked ways.

Sources: Pacific Coast News (photo), Cele-bitchy, Washington Post

From Elizabeth Perkins to Soleil Moon Frye

SELLER: Elizabeth Perkins and Julio Macat
BUYER: Soleil Moon Frye and Jason Goldberg
LOCATION: S. Lucerne Boulevard, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $3,200,000
SIZE: 4,082 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Look forward to seeing you at this renowned, gated 1918 Spanish w/ Moroccan artifacts throughout. This stunning 4 bed, 3.5 bath Windsor Square estate w/ pool + sep full guest house has many original details. Other features include 4 fireplaces, sun porch, court yard, balconies, outdoor BBQ sitting area & outdoor shower. Garage converted to play room w/ incredible guest house above + big yard & more–all on a great block walking distance to Larchmont.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Children, Your Mama know this transaction dates back to the stone ages of 2006, so this is O.L.D. old news for some of the children. So if y'all already know about this house or read celebrity real estate doyenne Ruth Ryon's write up on this property in her Hot Properties column in the LA Times way back in November of 2006, then just sit down and shut up. Your Mama is too bizzy and in no mood to mess with a bunch of whiners who want to gripe about old news.

We have decided to discuss this property for two reasons, the first of which is because Your Mama loves us some Elizabeth Perkins, the flame headed actress who masterfully plays the bitterly hostile and wonderfully acerbic Celia Hodes on the Showtime's Weeds program. The second reason is that Miz Ryon failed to mention a few additional celebrity connections regarding this Hancock Park house that Your Mama thinks the children might find inneresting.

Back in January of 1999, Miz Perkins was a single mommy actress who paid $1,175,000 for this 4,082 square foot Moroccan/Mediterranean mishmash in Hancock Park. What was not mentioned in Ms. Ryon's column at the time was that the actress purchased the property from the offbeat, talented, and once sexy Oscar nominated actor John Malkovich who, according to property records, purchased the property in 1991 for $1,025,000

Not long after the lovely Miz Perkins purchased the 4 bedroom 3.5 bathroom house, she married cinematographer Julio Macat (Home Alone 1, 2, and 3, The Nutty Professor, Wedding Crashers). Another interesting celebrity factoid not mentioned by Miz Ryon is that the Perkins/Macats sold the house in August of 2006 to former child actor Soleil Moon Frye, whom ya'll probably best remember as the cute as a button orphan Punky Brewster, and her huzband, Punk'd producer Jason Goldberg. Interestingly, the Boobster and Mister Goldberg paid $3,200,000 for the property, which was considerably more than the asking price which listing information shows was $2,895,000.

On a side note, the Boobster and Mister Goldberg had previously lived, and according to property records continue to own, a 3,300 square foot, 4 bedroom and 5 bathroom house on Hollyridge Drive in the Beachwood Canyon neighborhood. Sources tell Your Mama that the couple had recently leased the Hollyridge Drive house to P-Diddy baby mama Kim Porter. That is until, in the aftermath of their bust up, when sources tell Your Mama that she moved a luxe gated development in the suburban wilds of Calabasas. We are looking to confirm this because Calabasas, as nice as all the residents of Calabasas with say it is, seems like such a lackluster location for the Diddy heirs to be raised.

Anyhoo, the former Malkovich/Perkins home on S. Lucerne Boulevard, now home base for the Boobster and Mister Goldberg, sits in a tony section of Hancock Park just a few short walking distance blocks to the charming and small town style Larchmont Village shopping district. Your Mama knows that no fool even walks to the mail box in Los Angeles, let alone a few short blocks to the Café du Village for a bite to eat. However, Your Mama likes the idea of at least having the option to walk to the magazine shop for the daily paper even though we'd probably still drive our big BMW and then gleefully complain about parking difficulties.

We're not much for the British imperialist decor in the living and dining rooms. We bow down at the feet of Miz Perkins the actor, but we're not so laudatory of her interior design skills and hope she's rung up up a nice gay decorator to help her do up her current digs, which we understand are in Sherman Oaks.

Although Your Mama is a fan of quirky and interesting architecture, the front facade of this house looks a little too much like a lighthouse for our personal taste. We are, however, utterly and completely grooving on the Moroccan pissoirs with their white stucco walls, crazy shaped windows and gorgeous green and blue tile work, particularly the mosaic tile on the bathtub. Your can make fun of Your Mama all you want, but we LOVE a bidet. Most American think bidets are freaky and unnecessary, but Your Mama appreciates an apparatus that ensures that we stay clean and washed down there.

The pictures we have do not adequately show the magnificent oval swimming pool in the back yard or the detached guest house. All the children know by now that Your Mama loves a guest house almost as much as we love a gated driveway, and the Malkovich/Perkins/Frye house does not disappoint with it's guest house located on top of the garage at the rear of the property. According to the listing information, the garage itself has been converted to a "play room." Lawhd children, Your Mama would never sacrifice a garage for a "play room." Let the damn children play in their bedrooms for chrissakes.

Speaking of children, the Boobster and Mister Goldberg have recently birthed a child who they gave the questionable name of Poet. Your Mama wonders, what if she grows up to be a painter? Poet the painter? Hmm. Well, given that Your Mama is not a fan of other people's children, we really don't care what sort of name trauma Poet may suffer in her adolescence, but we imagine she's going to grow up to be an esoterically minded lady with a cat name Dolly and an advanced college degree from a good college on the Easten Seaboard.

Your Mama wishes both the Perkins/Macats and the Moon Frye/Goldbergs happy homes.

UPDATE: Paris Hilton

Your Mama heard from The White Rabbit that the buyers of Paris Hilton's old place on N. Kings Road in West Hollywood are a couple of attorneys from Austin, Texas.

Now hunnies, what do a couple of attorneys from Texas want with Pokey's old house?

P.S. In response to the ongoing commentary about the sexuality of the new owners...Jeezis, Mary and Joseph, some of you children are so damned bitchy. It's a heterosexual couple, at least we presume they are heterosexual as they are married and one has a male name and one has a female name. No one is more surprised than Your Mama that a couple of straight folks bought this house with it's drag queen decor.

Your Mama Done Got It WRONG!

WRONG! WRONG! WRONG!

Today Your Mama comes to the children prostrated, humbled, and humiliated. We may write a snarky blog about the not very important subject of celebrity real estate, but Your Mama still endeavors to present accurate information about the properties and owners we discuss. Even still, we are sometimes wrong. Just plain wrong, as we were last week when we erroneously reported on a Hancock Park house we thought had been purchased by Spiderman actor Tobey Maguire and his baby mama (now wifey) Jennifer Meyer.

Here's what happened:

Two weeks ago Your Mama received an anonymous but very detailed tip about a house in Hancock Park that was rumored to have been purchased by the Maguire/Meyers. We could not confirm the tip with property records, so we held the story and quickly put out feelers to a handful of always reliable and knowledgeable sources.

Two sources confirmed that all fingers pointed towards Tobey Maguire. So Your Mama ran like the wind with the story, eager to break the news and offer something juicy for all the children to savor. One week after we discussed the property, we heard from the original tipster who informed us, regretfully, that he may have received and passed along incorrect information.

Mind atwitter and heart pounding, Your Mama hunted for more precise information to try to get to the bottom of the issue. Everything was jumbled, messy and unclear until we received an email today from a high powered individual who asked to remain anonymous and whom we will call The Tooth Fairy.

The Tooth Fairy informed Your Mama that a hugely successful and Emmy winning television producer named John Wells, with credits like ER, The West Wing, and China Beach, was selling his big Spanish style house on De Mille Drive in the gated and gorgeous Laughlin Park section of Los Feliz, and moving to the very same big English Tudor mansion on S. Hudson Avenue in Hancock Park that we had reported was purchased by Mister Tobey Maguire.

Oh Dear. Houston we have a problem.

Your Mama went back to the sources and managed, FINALLY, with the help of a top secret and extremely well placed informant, to cross reference the owner of the De Mille Drive house (John Wells) to the new owner of the big brick house on S. Hudson Avenue (also John Wells). John Wells, while rich and in "the bizness," is clearly and decidedly NOT Tobey Maguire. We also heard today, out of the blue and from someone whom we trust that Mister Maguire is still shopping for a new house for his new family.

So babies, Tobey Maguire did NOT buy the house on S. Hudson, and we are very sorry to have reported this in error and misinformed the children and provided any number of other blogs, websites, and publications with inaccurate information.

We're not wrong often, but when we are, we're really off the deep end, right? Onward and forward we march, this humiliation and error an angry notch in our lipstick case and fodder for the grist mill of gossip and dinner table conversation around the world.

Please know that Your Mama has no desire or intent to mislead or misinform. Nor do we believe that any of our tipsters and informants on this property had any intent to deceive. Mistakes get made and gossip is a slippery business. Please also be assured that Your Mama has always and will continue to make every effort to thoroughly research and report accurate information.

Benjamin Bratt Sells SF Investment Property

SELLER: Benjamin Bratt
LOCATION: 1832 Page Street, San Francisco, CA
PRICE: $1,858,000
SIZE: 4,618 square feet over 4 units (1 studio, 1 1-bedro0m, 2 2-bedroom)
DESCRIPTION: A grand Victorian mansion, vacant and ready for restoration. Currently designated at 4 units. The building has 12 rooms + lg at street level (folklore has it that this room was once used as a speak easy). The building is detatched on 3 sides, 2/ high ceilings and tall windows creating great light. Much of the Victorian detail is intact. The lot is 40 x 138 ft according to City records. There is off street parking for 4 cars plus an expansive garden with large mature Fig & Bay trees.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Benjamin Bratt is bi-coastal. We said bi-coastal children, and NOT bisexual, so don't go spreading any untruths about this impossibly good looking actor who would certainly be welcomed on either side of the sexual fence. Lawhd hunnies, Your Mama would go bi-coastal in a heartbeat if the Dr. Cooter were not tied down do his mentally unstable patients.

Anyhoo, a lifetime ago, when Your Mama fabricated and sold expensive products for the home to the rich and famous, we had the opportunity to meet and do business with Mister Bratt and his wife Talisa Soto. Based on our humble and admittedly slim experience with Mister Bratt and Miz Soto-Bratt, the children should know two things about Mister Bratt:

Number one, the actor and father of two, who comes from Peruvian Indian ancestry, is much better looking in person then he is on the big or the small screen. He is also much taller than you might imagine. To be honest, Your Mama had never been impressed with Mister Bratt until the tall and cool drink of water was standing right in front of us. We barely came up to his niples children.

Secondly, both Mister Bratt and his wifey are very nice people who did not ask for (or get, thank you very much) the star treatment.

Here's what Your Mama knows about Mister Bratt's bi-coastal living situations. He and wifey have a modest, but lovely 7th floor apartment on West 13th Street in Manhattan. It is our understanding they also maintain a residence in the Noe Valley section of San Francisco, although we could find no record of ownership. Additionally, we understand the couple also maintain a residence in Los Angeles, but again, we could not find any records of ownership. We will continue to look into this.

However, thanks to the SF Tattletale, Your Mama has come to learn that Mister Bratt recently sold an investment property in the Haight Ashbury section of San Francisco. Ownership of the property was easily confirmed with public records.

Now babies, in case you did not know, the Haight Ashbury is no longer the bastion of 1960s counter culture that it once was. Certainly there remain a smattering of head shops, Jerry Garcia lookalikes, and any number of barefoot gurls with vacant eyes and tie dye clad babies, but starting in the early 1990s, the dot com boom flooded the neighborhood with hordes of young and hip professionals with office jobs and stock options. So today, you are far more likely to see a tricked out BMW M3 parked on Haight Street than you are a decommissioned school bus painted by a bunch of long haired peace freaks on an acid trip. Oh, the sands of time.

It appears that Mister Bratt bought the 4-unit building at the the height of the dot com property frenzy in August of 1998 for an undisclosed amount of money. As the children can see from the photos, the units are classic, if unexceptional, San Francisco flats with wood floors, high ceilings, built in buffets, loads of elaborate plaster work on the parlor floor, and those awful gas heaters in front of the fireplaces.

One of the more unique features of this property is that it's detached on three sides, which not only allows for a modicum of privacy and light, but also means there is a long, narrow side yard that provides off street parking for 4 cars to park tandem (end to end). That tandem parking situation certainly sounds like a pain in the ass, but trust Your Mama when we tell you that dealing with your building mates' tandem parked automobiles is a hell of a lot better than trying to park in this tightly packed neighborhood where even the stoned can get uppity and irate about parking spaces.

The listing states that the building is currently configured as four units including a vast ground floor space that "folklore" says was a speak easy back in the days of prohibition. Prohibition? Now there was a stoopid idea. Please. Anyhoo, the building could easily be converted back to an elegant and private mansion as long as you've got half a million dollars or more on top of the purchase price.

Lest anyone think the sub-prime lending crisis and mortgage meltdown is having a huge affect on the real estate market in the urban yet genteel streets of San Francisco, listen up. Mister Bratt's investment property was listed in mid July, 2007 at $1,595,000. The property was sold and closed by the end of August for $1,858,000. So what does that tell the children about the still electric San Francisco marketplace?

Now babies, we know that it is standard practice in San Francisco to price a property low and sell it for higher than asking. This is widely considered "normal" in the City by the Bay. However, in this era of near fiscal implosion of the mortgage industry, one might think we'd see a slowing of the market and San Francisco properties would not be selling extremely quickly and for 10, 12 and 15 percent OVER the asking price. But they are children, they are. Ev-er-ee day.

Your Mama still has the private phone number of Mister Bratt from the days we did business together, but out of a sense of common decency, we've decided not to call him and ask what he's planning on doing with the considerable spoils of the sale of his San Francisco investment property. But if Mister Bratt happens to call Your Mama and let us know, we'd be happy to tell the children.

It's French Country for Britney Spears

BUYER: Britney Spears
LOCATION: Ramirez Canyon Road, Malibu, CA
PRICE: $9,350,000 (list)
SIZE: 8,500 square feet (approx.), 7 bedrooms, 6 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Finest quality & custom details throughout this Ramirez Canyon estate nestled within towering sycamore trees & park like grounds. Remodel just completed! Spacious living areas including kitchen w/ Viking appliances, family room, dining room w/ fireplace, great room w/ fireplace, mater suite w/ dual bathrooms, walk-in closet, fireplace & balcony, private third level bonus room could be nursery/gym/office. Basement w/ media room & wine cellar. Guest house, pool, spa and room for horses.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Poor Britney Spears. The trashy, troubled, and fading pop star may not have done herself any professional favors with her lackluster lip synch performance at the MTV Video Music Awards last night, but she is still one very rich young gurl who likes to swap residences the way most people change their underwear.

Spears, who frequently stays in swanky hotels even though she currently owns a luxury Beverly Hills mansion that languishes on the market for $7,495,000, long ago put the Malee-boo mansion she shared with ex-huzband Kevin "The White Rapper" Federline on the market for $13,500,000 (later reduced to $11,999,000). Today, Mister Big Time reported that the Mediterranean style property has disappeared from the MLS and speculated that the house has either gone to contract for sale or that Miz Spears has elected to keep the house. Back in July, and on the tips of multiple sources, Your Mama, as well as a number of other gossips, reported that the Malee-boo mansion had indeed been sold to an anonymous buyer even though the listing remained active in the MLS.

However, Your Mama can now reveal that information provided to us by Our Fairy Godmother in Malee-boo indicates that the buyer, director/writer/producer Stephen Sommers, paid a flat $10,000,000 for the property. We're quite certain this will be reported widely within days, but remember children, you read it here first.

Your Mama also received some very good intelligence from Lucy Spillerguts, one of our most prolific and reliable sources, about where the nudity loving single mommy of two will soon be moving now that the Malee-boo manse has indeed been sold. Turns out it's just a few miles north to the Point Dume area where she will soon be relocating to an 8,500 square foot house that sits on a 5 acre parcel on gated Ramirez Canyon Road. Did you hear Your Mama? Gated. So don't even think of trying to get your mama to drive your teenage ass out to Malee-boo to watch the uncouth "singer" unpack her world class collection of Cheetos and cut off denim shorts that come thisclose to exposing her naughty bits.

As of today, Your Mama is unsure whether Miz Spears has leased or purchased this French Country style house. However, all signs point towards a purchase. The newly renovated house, which was recently listed at $9,350,000, includes 6 bedrooms, 7 bathrooms, a large living room with low ceilings, a dining room with high ceilings and a view of the heated pool, a master that includes a fireplace and dual bathrooms, one for her and one for her rotating cast of man friends, currently rumored to be Las Vegas illusionist Criss Angel. The square footage also includes a media room, wine cellar, family room, eat in kitchen and enough spare bedrooms for all her gays to head out to Malee-boot for a slumber party.

The 5 acre estate is accessed by a charming wooden bridge and the park-like grounds will give the Feder-tots plenty of privacy and room to play hide and seek. Remember Brit Brit hunny, if they hide, you are supposed to go seek them yourself, not send the manny sometime later in the afternoon. The rolling grounds include lush lawns, a heated swimming pool, guest house, and room for horses. But Your Mama sincerely hopes Miz Spears things twice about buying ponies for the boys.

On a serious note, Your Mama genuinely wishes this Britney Spears gurl and her bad weaves some peace and quiet in her life and in her new house. People, this out of control soul has children. Children! If even half the stories we hear about the one time princess of pop and that disastrous photo shoot with OK magazine are true, she's got a long road to health in front of her. Hunnies we can't even repeat what we heard happened up there. Suffice to say what we heard from an inside source was far more lurid, salacious, and disturbing than was printed in all the tabs. Way more.

Source: Pacific Coast News (photo)

UPDATE: Anne Heche

Back in the middle of July Your Mama discussed the lovely Hancock Park house that wacky hasbian Anne Heche and her ex-camera man huzband Coley Laffoon put on the market for $3,795,000 in the bloody aftermath of their separation and impending dee-vorce.

The other day Mister Big Time wrote about the house recently going into contract and Your Mama would like to add a few updates to this property.

We hear the house is being purchased by television writer/executive producer Matt Olmstead who has made a fortune producing and writing for television hits such as NYPD Blue, Blind Justice and most recently, the hit show Prison Break, all shows Your Mama has never seen believe it or not. No word on the purchase price, but we just know that the amazing Mister Big Time, who can seemingly pull rabbits from hats, will come up with that number before long.

Mister Olmstead and his wify appear to have sold the 4,282 square foot, 4 bedroom and 4.5 bathroom house they had on the market recently for $2,699,000. That house, located on Bellagio Terrace in Bel Air is filled with exotic wood finishes, high end appliances, and extensive use of glass tile and comes with an extraordinary view.

Your Mama hears that Ms. Heche has decamped to a condominium in Marina Del Rey, which makes a certain amount of sense given that her Men In Trees show films in Vancouver, where she's reportedly shacking up with co-star James Tupper. And, let's face it, money has to be a little tight now that she's forking over huge sums of money to Mister Laffoon in spousal and child support.

Oh it's an ugly web she weaves children. We with Mister Tupper all the best.

Janice Dickinson's New Temporary Home

RENTER: Janice Dickinson
LOCATION: Skyline Drive, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $5,250 / month
SIZE: 3,034 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Dramatic architectural home with gated courtyard entry! Soaring wood-beam ceilings and walls of glass capture sweeping canyon views from every room and fill the home with an abundance of natural light. Glossy hdwd floors grace the public rooms upstairs, which open out to a deck spanning the entire back of the home–perfect for outdoor relaxation/entertaining. Gourmet ktchn, sprawling master suite w/ deck access, updated baths, new sisal floors dnstairs, patio and front yard.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Your Mama always imagined that Janice Dickinson, the self proclaimed world's first supermodel lived in a big Bev Hills house she bought years ago with modeling money, dee-vorce settlements, and the gifts of generous gentlemen. We pictured a living room worthy of the Studio 54 crowd with lots of mirrors and dusty portraits of herself hanging over the fireplaces. Sort of Paris Hilton-esque, only from the disco generation. But alas. Turns out that Miz Janice Dickenson, once a judge on America's Next Top Model and now the owner of an Los Angeles based modeling agency that is featured on yet another trashy reality show called The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency, rents like all the common folk. RENTS!

Back in February, the thrice married mother of two packed up her cardboard boxes at the modest 1,824 square foot house she rented on Westwanda Drive way up in the Hills of Beverly, and decamped for a new, larger, and more glamorous rental house high in the Hills of Hollywood.

The notoriously foul mouthed and sharp tongued Miz Dickinson's new digs feature 3,034 square feet of post modern house that hang over the canyon below. The house is approached through a walled and gated courtyard which is a perfect and protected from coyotes location for Linda and Beverly to bathe their long bodies in the morning sun.

The living room, a light and bright space with a vaulted ceiling, could use some spice and a rug, but we suspect Miz Dickinson, a fully loaded spice rack herself, has outfitted this place with more style and zip than we see here with the dark leather club chair style furniture and Pier 1 coffee tables.

Although Your Mama is not down with the lemon yellow wall color in the kitchen and dining area, we do like the pared down simplicity of the glossy white cabinets and stone floor. Too many kitchens try too hard to be examples of new-fangled and forward thinking design, and this one is, refreshingly and deliciously just a nicely renovated kitchen with a great view of the tree tops through the floor to ceiling windows. We suspect that in an effort to stay super model thin, Miz Dickinson won't do much more than boil water for green tea and peel a banana in this kitchen, but just in case she ever gets the the undeniable urge for a chili dog the way Your Mama does, at least she's equipped to deal with the craving.

The view from the terrace that runs the length of the back of the house is verdant if not dramatic, and Your Mama pictures Miz Dickinson entertaining the small army of men (and women) that flock to her like white on rice on this terrace. While being interviewed on the tawdry and disturbing Howard Stern Show, the 52 year old ex-mannequin claimed to have slept with more than 1,000 men, and we imagine this terrace is as good a place for Miz Dickinson to woo a man out of his pants as any.

Now children, don't any of you wannabe models, fake titty fanatics, or M.I.L.F. lovers get the not very wise idea of driving up to Skyline Drive in order to catch a glimpse of Miz Dickinson in all her boobed glory. First of all, the streets are dangerously narrow and not equipped to deal with a fleet of 1988 Toyota Camrys, not to mention that Miz Dickinson will not think twice about running out of her damn house in her birthday suit to give you a beat down for disturbing her morning ablutions. If you think Britney Spears was out of control with that umbrella, well then you've never seen Miz Dickinson wield a tube of mascara and a five inch Manolo Blahnik she pilfered from a photo shoot. (Just kidding Miz Dickinson, just kidding. About the pilfering part anyway.)

Sources: The Gilded Moose

Your Mama is Taking the Day Off

UPDATE: We see the children have been very restless arguing and hitting each other over whether spelling names and words correctly is important or not. Hmm. Come now children, can Your Mama not even leave you for a single day before everything turns to shit?

Anyhoo, the Open was magnificent. Did all you tennis queens catch the legendary old bird Liza Minnelli strutting and singing her heart out? Before the television cameras went on and before she sang God Bless America, she glided out on the red carpeted court in her little black pant suit waving her little hands and grinning that big dumb grin of hers and belted out a roaring rendition of New York, New York. Bel-ted. Gorgeousness, children.

The Open is always celebrities galore, and yesterday was no different. We saw the lovely and fiercely talented Maria Sharapova, who sat in Mister Novak Djokovic's box with Bobby DeNiro and his paramour Grace Hightower. The VIP section was chock full of rich and famous like Ralph Lauren, Robin Williams, who strangely changed from a blue to a yellow shirt mid match, Dustin Hoffman looking very tan, and a rail thin Anna Wintour in an outrageous pair of "woman with a past" sunglasses who gleefully cheered the Swiss master Roger Federer to a three set win.

Christie Brinkley, a beautiful fixture at The Open, did not sit court side this year, as she did last year when she took flash photos at inappropriate times and her children made a nuisance of themselves. Perhaps the US Open officials knew better and seated her in a box this year.

Of course, the newly and disturbingly platinum blond Donald Trump reigned in his box, which also hosted the smoldering Melania Knauss Trump (with Baby Trump in tow), a wizened looking Tommy Hilfiger, the stunning Ivanka in a flirty white dress, as well as the various sycophants in khaki who scrambled and practically tripped over each other for the opportunity to sit on the ground next to Mister Trump and talk tennis.

Tucked into the Northeast corner and just five rows up from the the court was a scruffy Jake Gyllenhaal who sat with a very good looking and scruffy male friend who looked shockingly like Mister Gyllenhaal, same hair, same scruff, same shirt only in light blue instead of J.G.s' dark blue. The good looking twosome headed for the twisty bowels of the stadium as soon as the match was over so Your Mama could not get a better assessment of the situation.

All in all it was a fabulous afternoon...except for all the bickering children we returned to at home. Now, on to more celebrity real estate.

----------------

Sunday is the day of rest and while Your Mama rarely rests we are taking the day off. We are headed out to Flushing, Queens with the Dr. Coooter, Mama Cooter and Sister Cooter to watch a showdown on the tennis court.

We'll be back tomorrow. We expect that in the meantime the children will not kill each other with their verbal assaults.

The House Homer Simpson's Voice Built

SELLER: Dan Castellaneta
LOCATION: San Lorenzo Street, Santa Monica, CA
PRICE: $3,295,000
SIZE: 3,891 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Santa Monica Canyon near beach. Stunning contemporary with flexible floor plan, great media room, large formal dining room, breakfast area, separate master suite with adjoining library/office. Four additional bedrooms. Fab art studio. Walk-in wine cellar. Lovely private flat yard with room for pool.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Thanks to a tip by a gentleman we will call The Rolling Stone, Your Mama has learned that comedy great Dan Castellaneta has put his Santa Monica Canyon house on the market for $3,295,000. Although the Emmy winning Mister Castellaneta has appeared in loads of films and television programs such as the unfairly canceled Arrested Development, the Will Smith vehicle The Pursuit of Happyness, and a few episodes of Everyone Loves Raymond, the funny man is most famous for being the voice of Homer Simpson on the long running and phenomenally successful cartoon program The Simpsons.

Property records indicate that Mister Castellaneta and his writer wifey Deb Lacusta purchased this property way back in in August of 1993 for just $1,000,000. It's unclear to Your Mama if the couple built this house all new or if what we see is a result of an extensive renovation of an existing residence. Whatever the case, this Hollywood couple has stayed living in this location much longer than the average celebrity home owner who, by our rudimentary and not very scientific estimation, typically moves every 2-4 years.

Presenting a deliciously fortress like and wonderfully windowless facade on the street–who needs nosy neighbors peeping through the windows while you're doing an interpretive dance in the living room?–the interior of the "L" shaped house opens to the long, narrow and flat backyard that, bizarrely, does not include a heated swimming pool. Your Mama has said it before and today we will say it again, we are never going to be in the market for a house with an asking price in excess of $3,000,000 that does NOT include a lovely and serene backyard area where Mauritzio the masseur can come by on Mondays and Thursdays to rub our weary muscles pool side. Perhaps parents with pesky progeny find a swimming pool-less house desirable so they need not worry that the absent minded nanny (who really wants to be an ack-tress) will let the brats drown while she's running lines with her boyfriend. However, Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter do not have, nor do we ev-er want any excessively loud children who would surely put a damper on our quiet and luxe pool-side lifestyle.

We are desperate to appreciate the possibly too contrived Mondrian theme in the media room. We can live with, and even like, the wall unit that houses the flat screen and the Emmys, but Your Mama can not get our tired brain to sort out or our lazy eyes to focus properly on that complicated shelf-thing on the back wall. A large and glossy Gary Hume or kooky Inka Essenhigh painting would be much preferable. Or perhaps a hugely scaled and bleak landscape like our friend The Chicken does. Anything but the weird shelving unit, please. Naturally we love the white sofas, we always do, but Your Mama would prefer to see a larger and more boldly colored rug to anchor the space.

Your Mama is indeed appreciating the large master suite which includes a bedroom, sitting room and a well appointed but still modest bathroom. This set up provides ample space to get away and ignore the tussles and frequent needs of children and guests who stay too long.

That third floor aerie is a quite lovely space with the peaked ceiling and generous use of glass–and again with the lovely white sofa, but unless there is an elevator servicing that sky high location, Your Mama would seldom be hauling our fat ass up to the large sun deck in order to bronze our acres of flesh. We expect that this room and terrace would be used almost exclusively by our new pussycat Sugar, who likes sunny, warm and high places that are beyond the reach of our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly. Also, be prepared to have to pay Helga the housekeeper extra for hauling the vacuum up to this level.

Your Mama has never met Mister Castellaneta, who by all accounts is a funny and warm gentleman, so we really haven't a clue where he and the wifey will be relocating. However, given the tremendous and enviable residuals that he is sure to earn from The Simpsons for the rest of his life, we imagine they will be moving to a more costly, private and gated location that includes a swimming pool and a maybe even a tennis court. Anyone?

Sources: Internet Movie Data Base

The $165,000,000 Mega-Estate of Leonard Ross (Part 4)

No rest for the weary kids. Your Mama is running out the door, but before we head out we wanted to get the hungry children a few more morsels of the Beverly Hills estate that financier Leonard Ross has on the market with the ear piercing asking price of $165,000,000. We have previously discussed the property here, here, and here.

At the top left we see the baronial sized library, with a soaring ceiling and a hand carved gallery circling the room that is lined with books. Presumably these books are first editions that are meant only to be viewed while on the shelf and certainly are not to be cracked open and actually read. The big desk with the red leather top leads us to believe this is the room Mister Ross wheels, deals, receives business cronies, and counts his money.

The billiard room, top right, is the parquet floored billiard room with the elaborate pool table and the elaborately high carved wood ceiling. While Your Mama is quite certain that most of the items in this room cost as much as a Mercedes, it still manages to like the rec room of a frat house.

At the bottom we have the in-house disco, which looks almost exactly like a nightclub Your Mama used to frequent in East Germany in the early 1980s. Your Mama finds it puzzling and perplexing that people with excessively large homes and bottomless bank accounts feel the need to install full scale discotheques in their homes, let alone one with a vaguely art deco theme, cheap black leather sectional sofas and a tacky mirrored ceiling. The only thing that is missing from this photo is a row of uniformed staff with trays full of white powder and $100 bills that have been rolled into a straws. We're not saying anything nefarious and illegal happens here with a white powdered substance, only that it looks like it should.

Enjoy!

Pierre Berge's Jewelbox Pied a Terre at the Pierre

SELLER: Pierre Berge
LOCATION: The Pierre, 795 5th Avenue, New York, NY
PRICE: $7,500,000 (monthly maintenance / $7,080)
SIZE: 2 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Yves Saint Laurent, Pierre Berge's legendary pied-a-terre apartment. Situated in New York's celebrated Pierre Hotel, the apartment had been beautifully designed and decorated by Jacques Grange, Peter Marino and Jed Johnson. An elegant gallery leads to an exquisite living room and adjoining dining area. The two lovely bedrooms, both with custom leather-lined mahogany dressing areas and wonderfully crafted mahogany and marble en suite baths. On the 39th floor the apartment boasts uninterrupted, spectacular panoramic Central Park views from all major rooms. Wet bar & kitchen, plus access to full hotel service.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Today we are going to piggy back on famed real estate columnist Braden Keil at the New York Post who revealed today that the pied-a-terre of Pierre Berge, antique dealer of note and ex-consort to the retired fashion icon Yves Saint Laurent, has finally been sold. Children, this 2 bedroom and 2 bathroom co-op apartment, located in the hyper exclusive and fabled residential hotel The Pierre on swanky Fifth Avenue, has been for sale forever. Last listed at $7,750,000 and sold for $7,750,000 according to Keil, Your Mama seems to remember somewhere in the dark recesses of our failing memory when this meticulously designed and maintained jewel box of an apartment hit the market with an asking price well over $8,000,000.

According to Mister Keil, the apartment has been sold to another fashion icon consort, this time to Giancarlo Giametti, the business and life partner of the perpetually and deeply tanned Valentino who is known for flawless red dresses worn by rich and elegant bitches around the world.

The interior of the apartment was designed and decorated by very accomplished and respected designers including the masterful Jed Johnson, who perished in the tragic Flight 800 crash. Your Mama watched the aftermath and rescue efforts of this hideous event from the beach in Quogue, and to this day can not walk that sand without being overcome by sadness.

Done up in a hoity toity "masculine" style that is only seen in the residences of uppity queens, the modestly sized 39th floor apartment has been fitted with gorgeous yacht worthy mahogany dressing rooms and bathrooms. It appears from the photos that each gentleman maintained separate bedrooms and dressing room areas. This might seem strange in today's world where only the ridiculously religious care about homosexuality anymore, but children, remember, these are old school gurls who are of a generation that were often, for the sake of safety and business, compelled to maintain an aura of being roommates and bachelors.

The disturbingly huge monthly fees ($7,080/month) in the building make for posh living circumstances including 24 hour concierge service, overnight shoe-shine service, a fitness room, hair salon, valet parking, and 24-hour room service. Additionally, there is morning maid service and nightly turn down service if requested. Residents can also request a picnic basket to haul across the street to Central Park, but this luxury is not free and costs upwards of $65, plus a $100+ deposit for the china, cutlery, napkins, and blanket.

The uber swank Pierre is the same building where filthy rich hedge fund honcho Martin Zweig has had his triplex penthouse on the market for an improbable $70,000,000 since 2003. Also in residence are an assortment of millionaires and billionaires such as Harrod's owner and royal hater Mohamed Al Fayed, media tycoon Sumner Redstone, and recent dee-vorcée fashion designer/socialite Tory Burch, who occupies a vast 9,000 square foot spread on the 9th floor she managed to keep in her dee-vorce decree from obscenely rich venture capitalist Chris Burch.

Your Mama has no idea what Mister Giametti has planned for his new pied-a-terre, but we do so hope that he retains the spirit and grace of the apartment which has surely seen the likes of any number of high society divas and queens.

Source: NY Post

Usher's Suburban Atlanta Manse

SELLER: Usher
LOCATION: Merriweather Woods, Alpharetta, GA
PRICE: $1,995,000 (increased from $1,950,000)
SIZE: 8,022 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 4.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Luxurious owners ste on main, exquisite detail thruout, terrace, features hair salon, exercise rm, fam rm w/ custom bar, billiard rm & bdrm. Recording std & guest.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Your Mama has never cruised the streets of Buckhead or Alpharetta, Georgia in our big BMW, so we really don't know what we're talking about when we say that we do not understand the pull suburban Atlanta seems to have on a myriad of rich and famous, particularly those from the music set. We imagine all the Georgians will proudly tell us that the better suburbs of Atlanta are filled with lush and lavish estates that rival those in Beverly Hills and Bergen County, NJ, only with much cheaper price tags.

Case in point is the suburban pile of hip hop crooner Usher. Yesterday, Your Mama received a call from Southern Sam, our man in Atlanta, who let us know that Mister Usher has put his Alpharetta mansion on the market for $1,950,000, a modestly priced abode given given just how rich this man is.

If we are being honest, and you know we always are, Your Mama confesses that we do not know practically anything about this Usher person, and we would easily fail any test that required we hum a few bars of any of his songs. What little we do know about this man, we have learned in the glossy tabs, so you know it's salacious and has little to do with his talents. All Your Mama knows about the 28 year old singer is that in late July 2007, he canceled his tremendous and expensive wedding at the Southampton spread of music mogul L.A. Reid just hours (hours!) before he was scheduled to wed a gal named Tameka Foster, a much older 37 year old mommy of three who also has Usher's bun in the oven.

Had we been invited to the nuptials, and strangely, we were not, Your Mama would have been one irritated guest after trucking our self all the way to the damn Hamptons in the humid heat of the summer only to be turned away at the gates with our lovely gift of a custom made and overly expensive fondue set. Now babies, Your Mama does not think that anyone should get married if they get the cold feet, but this Usher thing was some rude shit, especially since the couple ended up getting married just a few weeks later in a big ceremony in, surprise!, suburban Atlanta. Your Mama would NOT have forwarded that fondue set to Atlanta, we can tell you that.

According to a recent article on a website called Access Atlanta, the Usher residence occupies a large corner lot in a subdivision called the Country Club of the South, which appears to be a gated golf course community of tightly packed mansions. According to property records, Mister Usher paid $1,200,000 in December of 1998 when he purchased the property from none other than L.A. Reid, who quickly took his money and decamped for seaside Southampton, NY

The 8,022 square foot grey stucco mansion includes 5 bedrooms and 4.5 bathrooms according to the listing information. Also included on the property is a guest house, in ground swimming pool, den, office, recreation room, media room, music studio (natch), and a hair salon. A hair salon? Now babies, we know that the rich and famous ahve to be walking the red carpets and looking their absolute best just to go to the dman 7-11, but isn't a home hair salon just a little extreme for a man that could prolly cut his own hair with a good set of Wahl clippers?

Unfortunately, Your Mama really has very little nice to say about this house and it's decor. We are not fond of the faux Beidermeier/Versace cabinet work in the living room and the curved satin couch is just so wrong we don't even know what to say about it except that it really belongs in the dressing room of an aging Broadway diva who brings her cats to the theater. The dining room as a whole is just awful, but we do like the red carpet, and probably out favorite item in all the photos would be that strange planter with the gold hands that act as feet...now children, you might disagree with Your Mama here, but we think that thing is so crazy it's good.

Clearly the newly married couple need a larger home to accommodate their growing brood of brats and the necessary nannies that will be required to keep the kids in check while daddy Usher tours and mommy keeps pushing out babies. The question now is do they stay in suburban Alpharetta or pack their Louis Vuitton for another of the many upscale suburban Atlanta developments?

Sources: Access Atlanta, Show Buzz, People,

The $165,000,000 Mega-Estate of Leonard Ross (Part 3)

Your Mama apologizes for the delay in bringing the children more photos of the $165,000,000 mega estate of Leonard Ross. As anyone who is anyone already knows, the 6.5 acre property is located on bizzy N. Beverly Drive in Beverly Hills. More discussion on the house can be found here and here. Today we're going to look over a few photos of the eating and drinking rooms in the mansion.

At the top left we see what we imagine is the formal dining room. If Your Mama is being honest, and we always are, we must say that we are a little disappointed with this room. No doubt the vaguely Chippendale table opens up with several leaves, but we expected something perhaps a little larger and longer with a table that comfortably seats 24 rather than the eight chairs we see in the photograph.

The walls have been entirely mirrored, a peculiar and puzzling choice. Your Mama is quite certain that was an expensive folly, but we can not imagine a more grotesque wall finish for a dining room. Who wants to be sitting down to a lovely supper of stuffed pheasant with a pomegranate glaze while being forced to watch all the Enestines and Harolds that have been invited to dinner chewing their damn food reflected around the room like some sort of carnival fun house?

At the top right we see a smaller dining room that is adjacent to the larger, but not large enough, formal dining room. This room, more than likely used for family and casual dining occasions, is perhaps called the morning room, a term that is most often used by people rich enough that they do not prepare or serve their own meals. We confess to appreciating this room quite a bit. Certainly, it's stuffy enough that the Queen of England might be comfortable munching a scone and drinking a stiff cup of coffee, but the room maintains an casual and traditional elegance that is balanced by the quirky lighting sconces and the elaborate and funky tile pattern on the wall.

Just below, we see the wine cellar, a room that gives super rich folks an excuse to get drunk under the guise of high minded viticulture. Please. Your Mama knows these filthy rich people like to tie one one just like ev-er-ee-bod-ee else, only they do it with a few bottles of 1966 Lafite Rothschild instead of a case of Coors.

The room at the lower left appears to be a casual sitting room for family and intimate guests as opposed to the hordes that flock to the property for charity events. The ceiling appears to upholstered for good acoustics and the floors appear to be a salmon colored terrazzo which is perfect for that corporate CEO private sitting room look. The damask covered wing chairs only enhance that look. Your Mama's eyes fail us at the most inopportune moments, but do the children agree that there appear to be several televisions flanking the fireplace...more than likely for keeping track of the stocks and bonds.

Tomorrow we will continue our tour with a few of the rooms designed for entertaining.

Billy Baldwin and Chynna Phillips: Renters

RENTERS: Billy Baldwin and Chynna Phillips
LOCATION: S. Spalding Drive, Beverly Hills, CA
RENT: $14,000 / month
SIZE: 5,302 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 4.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Best lease in Beverly Hills. Newly updated, 2-story traditional. Great street - one block from Beverly Hills High School. Hardwood throughout. Fabulous kitchen with all new appliances. Master suite plus three additional bedroom suites. Multi-zone heat/air, pool, & garage.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: A little birdie tells Your Mama that the least controversial Baldwin brother Billy and his wifey Chynna Phillips, formerly of the impossibly saccharine gurl group Wilson Phillips, have recently moved their family into a Bev Hills property where they are paying a whopping $14,000 per month.

The 5,302 square foot house, which coincidentally has the same house number as Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter's beach house, sits close enough to Century City to be in the shadow of the tall towers and backs up to fancy pants Roxbury Park. The property is also just a quick walk to Beverly Hills High School where loads of rich and famous have matriculated, and Your Mama has a relative who tirelessly works to educate the children of rich and famous who do not think they need to be educated simply because they are the children of the rich and famous.

Unfortunately Your Mama does not know much about the house or even why a couple as famous and well to do as the Baldwin/Phillips' would lease a house like this at such tremendous expense. Perhaps they are not as rich as we imagine them to be and can't afford a $25,000+ mortgage each month? Or perhaps they are renovating another property and need a place to live during the process? Or maybe they just do not want the hassle of having to hire, pay and monitor the landscapers, cleaning ladies, pool people, tree trimmers and etc., and prefer to have a landlord who handles all those mundane and expensive details of high end home ownership. Anyone know?

Before Your Mama signs out so that we can head out to the wineries where the Dr. Cooter and his mama will likely get smashed on not very good white wine, let's discuss the Baldwin brothers for just a moment, because they are really just so chaotic and interesting.

First there is the oldest and arguably best looking Baldwin, Alec, who Your Mama used to see wandering the streets of the Upper West Side of Manhattan lookin' all sultry, disheveled and celebrity like. This Mister Baldwin has ongoing, very public, and never ending baby mama drama with the ex-wifey ack-tress Kim Basinger. These two once married people would sooner disembowel each other than act like mature adults who are capable of being civil to each other at their daughter's birthday parties. People, is it really that difficult to be civil? There are no winners in this situation babies, least of all the child, who Your Mama wishes fortitude, a clear mind, and a very good psychiatrist.

Next comes Daniel, perhaps the least well known Baldwin brother. This Baldwin brother, who is basically a very bizzy b-movie actor, has at least three children by three different women, was once arrested for running naked and cracked out through the halls of the Plaza Hotel in New York City, was more recently arrested after plowing his automobile into two parked cars in Los Angeles, and just six months later was arrested for allegedly stealing a car (since cleared of the charges). Can you spell drug problem? He does seem to be on the mend (good for him) and even offered that train wreck Britney Spears support while she did her apparently not very successful stint in rehab and the uber-posh Promises in Malee-boo.

And let's not forget the youngest Baldwin brother Stephen. Although baptized as a Roman Catholic, Stephen converted to a born again evangelical Christian on a mission to save the wayward youth of America. The one-time actor reportedly teamed up recently with Little Lindsay Lohan's ex-con daddy Michael to form some sort of religious detox center in swanky Southampton, NY. Children, this is an unholy union if we've ever seen one and Your Mama predicts this will end in tears and law suits.

And that does not even begin to discuss the other side of the Billy Baldwin/Chynna Phillips family which includes the lovably whacko Michelle Phillips, who shuns direct sunlight in order to help retain her youth, beauty, and supple skin. The extended family would also have to include the former members of the Wilson Phillips band which includes that cry baby Carnie Wilson who has made a career out of her vacillating weight. Hunny, we appreciate that you struggle with your weight. Seriously, we do. But gurl, you gotta stop embarrassing yourself by forever talking about it and making your weight issues the hub of the wheel of your career.

Phew! We know y'all tune in to our little blog to look at fancy celebrity real estate and not to have Your Mama expound on the daily dramas of celebrities, there are many thousands of blogs for that after all. So we appreciate you allowing us this indulgence this morning.

Be assured we'll be bringing you more celebrity houses today and in the days to come including more photos of the $165,000,000 Lenny Ross mansion in Beverly Hills.

Sources: NY Post, Internet Movie Data Base, People, Hecklerspray, Contact Music,

John Wells Buys Hancock Park Mansion

BUYER: John and Marilyn Wells
LOCATION: S. Hudson Avenue, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $11,000,000
SIZE: 9,676 square feet, 6 bedrooms, 7 bathrooms (main house)
DESCRIPTION: Exquisitely renovated, landmark, HP tennis estate on extraordinary lot. Behind gates w/ 6 br, an elegant statement of uncomman refinement. Exceptional flrpln. 2sty entry & sweeping strcse, breathtaking LR w/ marble FP, antiquie hand painted paneled FDR, wide hall galleria w/ port entrance, piine paneled library w/ FP & lavish eat-in country kitchen/FR overlooking lush grdns & dining loggia. 12,000 bottle wine rom, 2br self contained staff apt, 2 sty pl pavillion w/ br, kitchen & ba. Sparkling pl & spa.

YOUR MAMAS UPDATE: Your Mama originally thought this house had been purchased by Tobey Maguire (see here).

However, this house was in fact purchased by uber producer John Wells and his wifey Marilyn who are moving from a lovely Spanish Style house in the Laughlin Park area of Los Feliz.

Your Mama hears the Wells' house, which was once part of the Charlie Chaplin estate and later bought by the legendary filmmaker Cecil B. De Mille who used it as a business address, was sold for just over $6,000,000 and was never officially on the market. We also hear the new owner is another bigwig in "the bizness" named Mary Parent.

We are going to refrain from discussing and picking apart the interior details and move on to other celebrity retreats and hideouts.

David Geffen: Is He or Isn't He?

WHO: David Geffen
WHAT: 10 acre estate
WHERE: Angelo Drive, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: rumored to be $100,000,000

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: A blurb in a recent Wall Street Journal article about insanely expensive homes mentioned that itty bitty billionaire David Geffen, who is believed by many to be the richest man in Hollywood, "has quietly shopped his historic 9.4-acre Los Angeles estate for $100 million, according to a broker who has shown the property."

You can imaging the firestorm of emails and phone calls that went from real estate gossips to high end real estate agents all up and down Sunset Boulevard. Two agents told Your Mama that the estate is NOT for sale, and Miz Nikki Finke at Deadline Hollywood , who typically has very accurate poop, also reported that the estate is absolutely not for sale and that Mister Geffen turns down offers in excess of $100,000,000 "all the time." The Wall Street Journal itself amended their article to reflect that Mister Geffen himself says the estate is not for sale. Hmm.

Your Mama hears something a little different. Not only did ol' Ms. Louella, who believes Mister Geffen's estate may in fact be worth close to $100,000,000, tell us that Mister Geffen, "has quietly been peddling his humble abode for some time." We have also heard through the gossip grapevine that the estate will soon be coming to the open market. Now children, please do not go repeating that rumor as truth, because it is NOT substantiated by anyone connected with Mister Geffen. It's just what we heard from a swanky and well connected real estate agent in Bev Hills who has visited the estate. Given that Mister Geffen has an ego at least as large and hungry as all the other billionaires with homes on the market for $100,000,000+, it's not such a stretch for Your Mama to believe that vanity will force Mister Geffen to put his big and beautiful house on the market. Keep in mind that just because it's on the open market, does not mean it's actually for sale.

Mister Geffen purchased the 9.38 acre former Jack Warner (of Warner Bros.) estate on Angelo Drive in Bev Hills in 1990 for a reported and staggering $47.5 million dollars. At the time that was the highest price ever paid for a private home in the United States. Your Mama hears that the price included all the interior fittings and furniture. Ms. Louella whispered to Your Mama that after purchasing the estate Mister Geffen had the priceless antiques hauled across the pond to London where they were sold for many millions of dollars.

Reports of the property say that Mister Geffen spent another $45,000,000 renovating the property, including a reported and shocking $20,000,000 on landscaping alone. Somehow we doubt the landscaping bills were anywhere near that high. Several acres of sod, a few dozen specimen trees and some extremely tall hedging just can't be that expensive...or can it? We do however, understand that the behemoth mansion houses a nice selection of Mister Geffen's outrageous contemporary art collection, some of which has been recently sold off at spine tingling and record prices.

According to the tax man, the impressive colonial style house, which is accessed by a long and swooping driveway, sprawls across 13,612 square feet and includes 8 bedrooms and 9 bathrooms. Since Your Mama has read no recent reports of the number of sleeping chambers and poopers, we're just going to have to go with what the tax man says. If any of you many, and we mean many, young, smooth and well toned gentlemen that have visited the estate want to clue us in to anymore more specific, we'd be happy to hear what you have to say.

Sources: Wall Street Journal, New York Times, Deadline Hollywood, Pacific Coast News (photo)

Rent Faye Dunaway's West Hollywood Hideout

OWNER: Faye Dunaway
LOCATION: N. Spaulding Avenue, West Hollywood, CA
PRICE: $4,250 per month
SIZE: 2 bedrooms
DESCRIPTION: Completely Hidden from the Street by high walls and hedges a private oasis awaits the discriminating person or persons who desire peace, tranquility and anonymity. The Spanish house is wonderfully appointed with a grand master suite and French doors that open to the yard; an updated kitchen with viking stove and modern bathrooms. You get the look and feel of your own chateau...A rare opportunity, don't pass it up...

YOUR MAMAS UPDATE: It seems clear from all accounts that Miz Dunaway has inhabited this duplex for quite some time and is a well known neighborhood fuss budget. Oh, and the price was raised to $5,000/month.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: A day or two ago, in the middle of trying to cat box train our new pussycat Sugar while simultaneously and frantically preparing for the in-laws to visit, Your Mama received a breathless email from the Tony the Tatler who informed us that a "For Rent" sign had recently popped up in front of Oscar winning actress Faye Dunaway's place on N. Spaulding Avenue in West Hollywood.

Everyone knows that Faye Dunaway, along with her tremendous teeth, is one of the great beauties ever to grace the silver screen, even if she brilliantly played a vile and ugly monster mommy in the still upsetting and unbelievable Mommy Dearest.

But did anyone know that the aging actress, who is well preserved for a woman in her sixties, lived in a modest bungalow in West Hollywood? We didn't either, until being contacted by Tony the Tatler. We have always imagined Miz Dunaway elegantly inhabiting a big colonial in Bel Air that is aging somewhat gracefully and is chock full of velvet furniture and silver picture frames that are kept shiny by an ancient housekeeper named Ingaborg who has been scrubbing Miss Faye's terlits and cooking up her meals since 1959. But alas...

Truthfully, Your Mama is not sure that Miz Dunaway actually does live at the petite and humble N. Spaulding Avenue property that was recently put up for rent on Craig's List for $4,250 per month. We are working on that confirmation, but the children will likely have to wait until after the Labor Day holiday for Your Mama to confirm. However, property records do indeed reveal that Miz Dunaway has owned the property since 1998 when she paid a shockingly low sounding $315,000 for the corner property which includes two separate structures that comprise the duplex.

Property records show the property as having 2,456 square feet with 5 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms, but given that the unit being offered for lease has only 2 bedrooms, we imagine the 5 bedroom and 2 bathrooms are split between the two units.

Because the property is fully walled with high hedges to protect privacy, the mini-house would be perfect for an upcoming celeb like young Zac Efron, who probably does not yet have enough money in his pocket to purchase a sexy pad in The Birds, but still needs a centrally located, private, and secure home base that will ensure all the tween-age gurls and 50 something gay guys that go all wiggly and moist in his presence will not be able peer their prying eyes into the windows hoping to catch a glimpse of his skinny and shirtless torso.

Your Mama would like to think that having Miz Dunaway for a landlord would be something akin to a modern day Los Angeles version of Tales of The City with Dunaway swapped out for the mary jane growing Anna Madrigal, which would be fabulous. But somehow we can't imagine Miz Dunaway smoking a spliff and making dinner for Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter.

Sources: Craig's List

Christopher Knight and His Top Model Townhouse

SELLER: Christopher Knight and Adrianne Curry
LOCATION: Highland Avenue, Manhattan Beach, CA
PRICE: $1,689,000
SIZE: 2,136 square feet, 2 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: South Manhattan tri level townhome with ocean views. Two bedrooms plus office, 2 1/2 baths and over 2,100 SF of living space. Three stop elevator, two ocean view balconies, hardwood floors, granite counters, recessed lighting, 4 car parking, beach living at it's best.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: There is almost no television program that Your Mama likes more than America's Next Top Model, Tyra Banks' reality show of pin thin wannabe models who spend their days learning to walk in heels, purse their lips, relax their jaw and give each other the verbal smack down. We are not even remotely embarrassed to admit that Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter have watched the stellar program from the very beginning, and recall like it was yesterday the evening that the raw and uncouth former Hooters waitress Adrianne Curry won the first cycle.

It was after the show aired that the real drama ensued, and Ms. Curry told anyone who would listen that the show never delivered on the prizes she won. Ouch! Although Ms. Curry has since apologized and is arguably the most successful winner of the show, ANTM no longer uses her image on the show and her name is never mentioned in press materials for the show.

Ms. Curry went on to make lots of pictures for lots of designers and publications, including a nood pictorial in Playboy for which she was reportedly paid $1,000,000. Girl may not know how to speak proper English, but she does not how to exploit an opportunity to her own advantage...which for better or worse, is a far more valuable skill in Hollywood than knowing better than to use a double negative while being interviewed on camera.

In 2005, the model who has no compunction about baring her boobies to the world, popped up on the the Surreal Life, that brilliant train wreck of a show where has-been C and D list celebrities are locked in an ugly house together so that they can claw each other's eyes out. Ms. Curry did her fair share of mixing it up with the guests, but mostly she flirted shamelessly with Christopher Knight, the one time child actor who played Peter on The Brady Bunch. Mister Knight, who went through an awkward pubescence on national television, grew up to to be a reasonably handsome man with a smoking hot body. Somehow he, over the course of the show filming, he was charmed by Ms. Curry's total lack of charm and, don't you know, that after two years and a reality show of their own later, the hot blooded couple have married. And according to Ms. Ruth Ryon at the LA Times, the couple have recently sold their Manhattan Beach townhouse which Mister Knight purchased in May of 2003 for $1,250,000.

Located just a few short blocks from the wide and sugar sandy Manhattan Beach, the three story townhouse packed 2,136 square feet on to an itty bitty 1,668 square foot ocean view lot. Property records show the townhouse with 3 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms, but listing information indicates 2 bedrooms and 2.5 bathrooms. The listing information did not include interior photos, and Your Mama could only be bothered to watch the reality show the couple created for themselves once or twice, but somewhere in the dark recesses of our failing memory we recall that the interiors were very forty year old bachelor.

Listing information for the house shows that the townhouse sold for the asking price, $1,689,000, after only 1 day on the market, which we're quite certain made the listing broker enormously happy.

According to Ms Ryon, the couple moved on to another ocean view property, this time a house, in another South Bay community. Your Mama just hopes they've moved to a house where Ms. Curry can park her car in a secure location.

Source: LA Times

UPDATE: Paris Hilton

Although there has been rampant speculation about whether she did or did not, Your Mama hears that Paris Hilton did indeed buy the big yellow house up in guard gated Mulholland Estates that all the gossips and tabs have recently declared is the new home of Princess Paris.

And we hear from our Fairy Godmother in Beverly Hills that the deal has closed for $5,900,000, which is not too far off the $6,250,000 asking price. Looks like Paris' uncle Maruricio drove a hard bargain.

So now the world sits tight and waits for the place to get decorated in classic multi-millionaire starvelet style with some leopard print carpet, a giant self-portrait above the fireplace and a greased stripper pole so that all the glossy tabs can print pictures when ol' Paris' new book comes out and she needs a little PR push. Paris gurl, we have a better idea, call Your Mama and let us showcase your new home on our little blog.

Source: Pacific Coast News (photo)