The $165,000,000 Mega-Estate of Leonard Ross (Part Two)

Yesterday Your Mama featured a few snaps of the exterior and grounds, and today we present to all the hungry children photographs of a couple of the public rooms at "Beverly House," the Bev Hills mega-estate that attorney/financier Leonard Ross has on the market for a spine tingling and astronomical sum of $165,000,000.

Strangely, Your Mama has never been invited to the mega-estate by the lovely Mister Ross, so we can't be entirely certain of anything we're talking about here. As such, please be aware that Your Mama may in fact be completely wrong in our assessment and depiction of the various rooms and their intended uses.

At the top left we see what appears to be an extension of the entrance hall. Probably this is called "The Gallery" because it's not unusual for extraordinarily rich people to call wide hallways "galleries." Hallways are for poor people.

On the upper right we see a room whose sole purpose appears to be for drinking liquor. The entire room is comprised of a large, fully stocked bar so that one can dash over from the screening room next door to have Isaac refresh your gin and tonic without hardly missing a line from the film. While we think this room looks a mess, Your Mama appreciates the effort Mister Ross makes as a host to never let his guests' highball be empty.

Your Mama is not quite sure how we feel about a room that architecturally feels more like a train station than a private home, but if we're being honest, and we always are, Your Mama will tell the children that we rather like the room in the lower two photos, which we are quite certain is the screening room (notice the projection equipment poking through the holes on the back wall?). The soaring ceiling and elegant scale of the room give it a real sense of grandeur that has run smack into eclectic and cozy with the nutty red velvet sofa and the tufted chaise lounges, which we think are magnificent. However, we're not so inclined to say nice things about that cockamamie artwork. And the wallpaper? Horrific.

Tomorrow we will have additional snaps for the kid of a few more of the public rooms. Stay tuned.

UPDATE: Kimora Lee Simmons

A little birdie tells Your Mama that the N. Doheny Drive house that Kimora Lee Simmons had on the market has been SOLD. Miz Kimora was given the house in the the big dee-vorce decree from Russell Simmons, and like all good dee-vorcées she quickly put the place on the market for $5,800,000.

All the real estate gossips went wild. But alas...almost immediately after being placed on the MLS, the listing was removed, leading to some speculation about the status of the house.

However, Your Mama has come to understand from one of our little snitches that the house closed last week for $5,665,000.

Which makes sense, because Miz Simmons has already bought a new house for her and the Simmon's heirs that happens to be right next door to Jessica Simpson and her faltering career.

Steven Weber Flips Out in Malibu

SELLER: Steven Weber
LOCATION: Pacific Coast Highway, Malibu, CA
PRICE: $3,820,000 (sale price)
SIZE: 5 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms (total)
DESCRIPTION: Enjoy incredible white water views from this newly renovated hideaway. Located on a private gated street, this property is perfect for a celebrity, it's like living in a small boutique hotel. The compound includes a beautiful garden plus geo and plans for a pool and is just a short walk from one of Malibu's most private and beautiful beaches. Soon to appear in a National interior design magazine. Detached guest house could be used as writer's room or converted in a a private music studio.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Your Mama is going give Mister Big Time an assist on this one. Yesterday the man with an uncanny ability to dig up deeds and documents discussed the Malee-boo property that actor Steven Weber recently sold for $3,820,000. However, Your Mama is able to offer a couple of additional insights about and photographs of the property.

Located in a gated enclave off busy Pacific Coast Highway, the house occupies .42 of an acre overlooking the mighty Pacific Ocean. Mister Weber, who is perhaps best known for his role as the goofy brother on the long cancelled Wings television program, purchased this house in April of 2006 for $2,849,000. Perhaps the gentleman purchased the property with some of his earnings from his recent stint on Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, a program Your Mama has never bothered to view.

After purchasing the property, Mister Weber and the wifey, who live in a big house in Brentwood that measures 5,200 square feet with 6 bedrooms and 8 bathrooms, embarked on a renovation of the entire property, which Your Mama thinks is quite fetching.

Property records indicate the house measures 1,400 square feet, which is indeed the number that Mister Big Time reported. But what that number does not include is the square footage in the two separate outbuildings that comprise the entire property. So really, this isn't just a 1,400 square foot house with three bedrooms and 2 bathrooms. It is indeed a compound with a smallish main house and two separate guest units, each with their own bath and one which includes a small kitchen area as well.

Your Mama also happens to know that the house was indeed on the open market with an asking price of $3,850,000. How do we know? Because Your Mama has a digital copy of the listing information which we saved back in mid-May. Unfortunately, we inadvertently misplaced the listing information in our vault and forgot about it until Mister Big Time discussed the sale of the property yesterday afternoon at which point we went sifting through the mounds and piles of information we have on celebrity real estate until we found the proverbial pot of gold which included listing information and a cache of photographs.

Your Mama happens to like this property quite a bit. The architecture of the house and out buildings isn't much to look at on the outside, but the gated street is a nice feature for keeping the riff raff from parking on your doorstep with their boogie boards and sandy children. The main house does indeed focus on the fantastic view, but all three of the buildings on the property also face a interior courtyard. While that back deck overlooking the azure ocean is a gorgeous thing on lovely days, a wind protected courtyard is a desirable foil to the punishing sea side winds when the weather in Malee-bee is less than optimal.

For this amount of money, we would have encouraged Mister Weber to install a higher grade of appliances in the kitchen. Yes, the Viking range is lovely, but we would prefer to see a nice strong lady Bosch dishwasher and of course a counter depth SubZero for the refrigerator/freezer. We very much appreciate the bold red color of the cabinets in the kitchen as well, but we suspect these cabinets were not replaced during the recent "renovation" but rather just painted a bright color to freshen them up. Effective, but again, the cheap way out. The butcher block counters are okay, if they're new, but a stretch of cloud white Zodiaq would have been a better choice in our book.

Believe it or not, Your Mama actually prefers to be located just up the hillside from the beach in Malee-boo, as this house is, rather than to have a place that sits right on the sand. We just can't be bothered with the sort of maintenance and upkeep that houses which front directly on the ocean require. Who needs to worry about the damn house falling into the ocean every time the wind kicks up and a storm rolls in?

Naturally we love the white paint palette than is offset by bursts and punches of color in the furniture and fabrics. While we understand this scheme is not to every one's liking, Your Mama happens to think it works perfectly in this seaside retreat.

The circular room is the larger of the two guest units. Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter L.O.V.E. a guest house almost as much as we love our new pussycat Sugar, and we think it this guest house is a wonderful folly and an excellent place to stash guests so they are not all up in one's bizness early in the mornings and late in the evenings. There is just nothing worse than a guest who does not know better than to go to bed before the hosts do and does not have the good sense to stay in their damn room until the hosts have had a chance to visit the terlit and set the water to boil for coffee in the morning.

Your Mama suspects the days of flipping houses in the Los Angeles area for monster profits are coming to an end before long, so many congratulations to Mister Weber on his successful and lucrative Malee-boo flip.

Sources: Big Time Listings

UPDATE: Paris Hilton

Well, well, well, it appears that the online gossip juggernaut TMZ has all the inside poop on the difficulties ensuing regarding the sale of Miz Paris "Pokey" Hilton's N. Kings Road property that she placed on the market for $4,250,000 shortly after she was released from the clink n Lynwood where she was sent for her famous automobile misdeeds.

Apparently, interested buyers came running and screaming for far and wide to purchase Pokey's Mediterranean style house. TMZ reports that Pokey's uncle, uber real estate agent Mauricio Umansky, revealed that the buyers are a couple who hail from the big state of Texas who have agreed to pony up just under $4,200,000 for the 2,707 square foot house.

Here's where the trouble starts. According to TMZ, the house did not appraise for the purchase price, and in fact, the highest appraisal is reported to be $3,600,000. What Your Mama wants to know is in this era of sub-prime crises, mortgage melt downs and skittish lenders, what financial institution allows multiple appraisals in order to go with the highest one? Your Mama is certainly no expert on the world of mortgages, but that just sounds unusual. Very unusual indeed. That is unless the transaction is not contingent on a mortgage and the appraisal was done only to satisfy the buyer's curiosity of an appraised value.

Umansky says the purchase price includes the furniture and chandeliers which combined have a claimed value between $600-700,000. Which is a convenient number given a $3,600,000 appraisal on a $4,200,000 purchase price.

However, perhaps this is all neither here not there as Mister Umansky, who seems eager to reveal all the details of the deal, told TMZ that the buyers are paying mostly cash for the property, are only financing $1,000,000, and as such it's really of no matter at what value the house appraised. Umansky, according to TMZ, state the deal will be closing next week.

Listen up Motormouth Mauricio, Your Mama has got no beef with TMZ, but next time you want to be telling the world all the real estate bizness of your rich and famous clients, be sure and get in touch with Your Mama. Seriously.

Sources: TMZ, Pacific Coast News (photo)

The $165,000,000 Mega-Estate of Leonard Ross

SELLER: Leonard Ross
LOCATION: N. Beverly Drive, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $165,000,000
SIZE: 20,570, 9 bedrooms, 15 bathrooms (main house as per assessor)
DESCRIPTION: "The Beverly House Compound." The most spectacular estate available. Located 3 blocks north of the Beverly Hills Hotel on approx. 6.25 acres of land and approx. 75,000 sf of living space of all structures. Legendary and incomparable history, formerly owned by William Randolph Hearst and Marion Davies, Jacqueline and John F. Kennedy honeymooned there, never before has this estate been available. Shown to pre-qualified clients only.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Your Mama is one lucky bitch, because the other day we received a stupendous cache of photographs from a gentleman we'll call Sneaky Pete. The photos, of attorney and financier Leonard Ross's $165,000,000 house in Beverly Hills, include snaps of the exterior and the deliciously and obscenely lavish interiors. Like we did with the photos of Miz Suzanne Saperstein's $125,000,000 pile in the Holmby Hills, Your Mama is going to post a few snaps each day for the next few days so that all the children are not overwhelmed by the over the top interiors and the outrageous opulence of the grounds.

What can Your Mama tell the children about this staggeringly expensive Beverly Hills estate that has not been said a thousand times before? Certainly everybody already knows that the house was built in 1927 for Milton Getz and designed by the same engineer who designed Hoover Dam and the Greystone mansion, one of the other famous and vast estates in Bev Hills.

And of course everybody already knows the house was once owned by newspaper tycoon William Randolph Heart, who purchased the house in 1947 for his long time mistress Marion Davies. Hearst, who filled the house with life sized portraits of his lady friend, met his maker in 1951 in this very house, and Your Mama would not be surprised to hear that his corpulent ghost still roams the hallowed halls of the colossal crib.

Just weeks after Mister Hearst met his maker in 1951, Miz Davies married and moved in her own side action lover Horace Brown, who inherited the property when Miz Davies met her maker in 1961. Talk about a sugar mama. Brown subdivided the property and sold off the parcels in 1966, but it wasn't until 1976 that Lenny Ross bought the big house and started buying up the subdivided parcels.

According to listing information and a myriad of reports, the 6.5 acre estate now comprises 4 residences (plus an apartment and security cottage), three swimming pools, two tennis courts, 29 bedrooms, 40 bathrooms, and extravagant gardens that Your Mama imagines cost more to water every year than some small countries' gross national product.

Property records on file with the assessor show the big house, which Hearst dubbed "Beverly House," measures 20,570 square feet with 9 bedrooms and 15 bathrooms. Which seems a mite smallish considering all reports and listing information for the property state there is an outrageous 72,000+ of combined square feet under roof on the property.

Seventy-two thousand square feet. Lahwd children, there are some hotels with less square footage. Imagine the number of full time staff people and cleaning gurls it takes to keep this behemoth from turning into a West Coast version of Grey Gardens.

Not a single fancy schmancy real estate professional that Your Mama has spoken to thinks this collection of residences will sell for more than $100,000,000, let alone the $165,000,000 asking price. But prospective buyers should know that at least a couple of the properties can be used as high income producing rentals to offset the huge mortgage.

All the reports say that the Ross property includes several residences, but Your Mama was surprised to learn that two of the residences are currently available to lease? One property, sprawling across three-quarters of an acre, includes a single story 3,476 square foot 4 bedroom, 4 bathroom house with swimming pool and tennis court and can be had for the multi-millionaire only price of $45,000 per month.

A second property, a two-story 6,365 square foot house on just under an acre, includes 7 bedrooms, 8 bathrooms and a large kidney shaped swimming pool. This house can be had for $57,500 per month (unfurnished), or $65,000 per month furnished on a long term lease or $75,000 per month furnished on a short term lease.

Your Mama imagines that when you've got a gargantuan house with a dozen bedrooms or more, it's really not necessary to also maintain and additional 10,000+ square feet of housing with another dozen bedrooms and bathrooms.

Stay tuned kiddies, we'll have some gorgeous pictures of the interior spaces in the next couple of day.

UPDATE: David Spade

Hmm.

What do the children have to say about David Spade's ocean front getaway in Malee-boo which is on the market for an eye popping $16,000,000? Y'all remember we discussed this property a few weeks back, and were particularly puzzled by the exterior, which we thought looked like it was covered in scaffolding.

Recently, additional photos of the property have surfaced with the listing information, including photos of the shabby and, dare we say, not very chic interior. Ms. Rachel Ashwell is prolly having a huge hissy fit right now looking at this low-brow version of her signature style.

We can and do appreciate a white slip-covered sort of vibe in an ocean front house, but is it just Your Mama who thinks this place looks a little, uh, a little feminine for a sexed up heterosexual bachelor?

Your Mama would never have imagined that this wee little man and his insanely snarky 'tude who bags big name babes like Lindsay Lohan, Heather Locklear, and Pam Anderson, would live up in a place like this. Perhaps we are just being ridiculously stereotypical and short sighted, but we really did expect to see an interior more reminiscent of the black leather sofa Hollywood bachelor who drives a Mercedes G55 AMG and effortlessly picks up all the short skirted and big boobed Hollywood hussies at Teddy's and LAX sort of decor.

Only time will tell if Mister Spade sells this house for anywhere close to its asking price, but in the meantime, Your Mama hopes he calls a nice gay decorator to get in there and pull the place together so that it looks like a damn $16,000,000 house.

Hang On Children...

UPDATE: Clearly Your Mama can't leave the damn children for even a single day before they start ripping on Canada and all those lovely and too-tanned old people in Palm Springs. It's like elementary school children fighting on the playground slapping each other just to slap each other.

For the record, Your Mama lurves Palms Springs, but then again, we're as old as the Coachella Valley itself, and except for the bitter cold, we love Canada too and have never understood some American's dire desire to be superior to Canada.

We have surfaced from the deep and will be bringing you some good real estate pornography shortly. But keep in mind it's deep in the month of August, and most real estate gossips are taking some time to sun their buns and bbq their corn, so forgive Your Mama if we aren't as prolific as usual.

Now, be nice children.

...Your Mama had some unexpected meetings and appointments come up this morning and we are running behind. Now clam up and don't be sassing Your Mama bout needing your daily fix...be patient and we'll have some delicious photos and discussions for you later in the day.

Feel free to discuss the state of the real estate market in the comments sections. How's business in your local area?

Steven Cojocaru's New Digs in the Hills

BUYER: Steven "Cojo" Cojocaru
LOCATION: Rising Glen Road, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $3,800,000
SIZE: 3,850 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Mid-Century Modern ground up restore. Pvt and secluded. Long pvt and gtd drive. Former celeb owned. No expense spared. Done w/ warmth, style and comfort. 2 romantic and scap mstr suites and 1 gst ste all w/ own pvt bth. Chef's kit offers the ultmt in design & function feat all Viking appls. Media rm/lounge with 92" proj screen & wet bar, indr/outdr russound stereo sys. Automtd fpl. Soaring ceils. Flat grassy yard. Lrg open spaces lead out to seamless connection to infinity pl.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Back in mid-May, Your Mama discussed the Spanish style house in the hilly section of Hollywood Boulevard which famous fashion diva and celebrity sissy boy Steven Cojocaru had on the market for $2,995,000 after reducing the asking price from $3,150,000. According to property records, Miss Cojo finally unloaded the property in June of 2007 for $2,900,029. Naturally, Your Mama wondered where this peacock would be moving his heavy duty arsenal of lip gloss and hair products.

Then, out of the blue like manna from heaven, we learned in Ruth Ryon's most recent Hot Properties column in the in Los Angeles Times, that Miss Cojo had indeed purchased another house up in the Hills of Hollywood. Details in Miz Ryon's report were slim, but with the help of our Fairy Godmother in Bel Air and our always accurate informant Lucy Spillerguts, Your Mama was able to track down the location and the listing of Miss Cojo's new lair.

Property records and listing information indicate that Miss Cojo purchased this house in March of 2007 even before closing on his Hollywood Boulevard residence. Located on Rising Glen Road just north of Sunset Boulevard, the house sits on a private flag lot overlooking the twists of turns of treacherous Sunset Plaza Drive, a road so terrifying Your Mama will not drive it after dark for fear of being mutilated in a head on collision with a married middle aged industry executive with hair plugs, a Porsche, and a prosty in the passenger seat.

Obviously the 40 something year old Miss Cojo has no such fears, because the hyper active fashion maven with the new kidney just paid $3,800,000 for a freshly remodeled mid-century modern house that measures 3,850 square feet and includes 3 sexy bedrooms and 3.5 lovely bathrooms. Interestingly Miz Ryon reported that the house had 5 bedrooms and 4 bathrooms, but our sources and information say something different. Hmm.

Property records reveal that the house with a butterfly winged roof line as flamboyant as Miss Cojo himself, was previously owned by gifted actor Brock Peters, who met his maker in 2005. The house was subsequently purchased for $1,625,016 in November of 2005 and given a head to toe make over before being placed on the market for a whopping $4,299,000. Listing information reveals that the house was later reduced to $3,999,000 before Miss Cojo stepped up with his Louis Vuitton bag to pay $3,800,000 for the property. For all the mathmatically challenged children, Cojo's purchase price is more than twice the seller's purchase price. Certainly, the seller put considerable money into the renovation and carrying costs, but that is still a shockingly large mark up and represents just another example of the Los Angeles real estate market gone wild.

Your Mama recognizes and sees Cojo as a certain type of stereotype and caricature of a gay man, but we happily confess to having a soft spot in our cold heart for Miss Thing. In the homophobic Hollywood world where big and little name celebs alike commonly hide their homosexuality, this man dared to flat iron his hair, put on a satin suit and a face full of make up and present himself and succeed in the world on such mainstream television shows as that ridiculous The Today Show, who shamefully fired Cojo just weeks after his first kidney transplant.

Ever the lemonade maker who deftly turns a raw deal into a perfectly tailored pair of skinny jeans, this glamazon has gone on to bigger and better things at Entertainment Tonight where he offers pithy and motor mouthed fashion reports on the sartorial wins and losses of the Hollywood elite and discusses the questionable fashion choices of all the poorly and scantily dressed starvelets that clutter up the red carpet.

We wish Miss Cojo a long life in the new house. And Coho hunny, please invite Your Mama over to your new house. We have some amazing detoxifying green tea that'll help your new kidney stay pink and lovely.

UPDATE: Robert Wagner and Jill St. John

Yesterday, Your Mama discussed the reported sale of Mister Robert Wagner and Jill St. John's Brentwood ranchette. We admitted to being a tad short on information about the property and the sale, and as such we put feelers out with our extended circle of contacts in the Brentwood area to cough up some information.

From a tipster we'll affectionately call The Savannah Snitch, Your Mama received a vintage Architectural Digest magazine that featured the Wagner/St. John ranchette, including photos and all sorts of information about the property. Please keep in mind children that the photos above are from the mid 1980s and may or may not have any resemblance to how the house looked more recently and prior to the recent sale.

According to the article that accompanied the photographs, Mister Wagner bought this house after the tragic and mysterious death of Miz Natalie Wood. Soon after purchasing the 1.6 acre, two parcel property, the dapper actor was able to persuade Cliff May, the king of California ranches and the original architect for the house, to design several extensions to the main house which more then doubled the length of the house. May also added at least one fireplace, bringing the total number to six. Which, of course, sounds lovely and romantic, but children, just imagine the deforestation required to keep all six of these fireplaces ablaze.

Additionally, and according to the article, Mister May designed a fully self sufficient guest house, over-hauled and extended the stables, added a detached office for Mister Wagner, remodeled the kitchen, added a sitting room for one daughter and a bath/dressing area for another. Finally, Mister May added a pigeon tower that was identical to the one he designed and built on his own Sullivan Canyon property called "Mandalay." No babies, we don't know what a pigeon tower is either, and can't imagine why anyone would want to build a structure that houses or in any way fosters the promulgation of pigeons. Your Mama deeply loves all the animals of the world, but we love the naughty pigeons just a little less.

Shortly after we posted yesterday's discussion of the Wagner/St. John ranchette, Your Mama heard from our old–and we mean O.L.D. old–friend Louella Hopper, who we know from our pre-historic days at Vassar. Ms. Louella tells Your Mama that she hears that the property sold in the $12,000,000 range and not the $15,000,000 that has been reported far and wide.

Ms. Louella also told Your Mama some shocking, defamatory and not repeatable rumors and secrets about Mister Wagner that Your Mama would not dare repeat. Your Mama just about had a stroke after hearing the smutty gossip and had to pour a big stiff gin and tonic, heavy on the lime and gin, in order to return to our right mind. Although we were stunned into silence, Your Mama was not at all surprised Ms. Louella would go there, afterall, we know the old gurl always did have a taste for the sordid vulgarities of life. Our dear Ms. Louella happens to be privy to all things deliciously scandalous and salacious in the world of Los Angeles real estate, and has recently started her own little blog called LA Real Estate Undercover, which discusses the literal and figurative ins and outs of the Los Angeles real estate scene. Dear Ms. Louella has always had her bejeweled ear to the ground and her pencil skirt over her head, so trust Your Mama when we tell you that ol' Louella Hopper knows of what she speaks...unless she doesn't, in which case she lies. Either way the children are going to L.O.V.E. Louella Hopper's wild ride!

Robert Wagner and Jill St. John Sell Their Brentwood Ranchette

SELLERS: Robert Wagner and Jill St. John
LOCATION: Old Oak Road, Brentwood, CA
PRICE: approx. $15,000,000
SIZE: 4,556 square feet, 6 bedrooms 5 bathrooms (main house); 2,448 square feet, 2 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms (guest house)

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: That Ruth Ryon at the LA Times is getting awfully clever discussing properties in her Hot Properties column that were never on the open market. Obviously that just chaps Your Mama because it makes it so much more difficult for us to chase down information for the children. One such recent property sale is the Brentwood ranchette owned by aging actor Robert Wagner and his wifey, Jill St. John, which Miz Ryon reports has been sold for "close to $15,000,000."

Your Mama is undeterred. We endeavor to scratch and claw until we get the answers we want from our vast web of sources, informants and tipsters. Although in this case, we must confess, it is proving to be a little more difficult that we had anticipated, and there is just so much Your Mama still does not know about this property.

Mister Wagner of course is probably best known for his role as the super rich Jonathan Hart in the cheesy 1980s crime drama Hart to Hart which co-starred the legendary and awesome Stephanie Powers. On a more personal level Mister Wagner is undoubtedly remembered as the twice married to huzband of Natalie Wood, who fell off the couple's yacht Splendour and mysteriously and tragically drown while sailing off the coast of Catalina with that wonderfully disarming and kooky actor Christopher Walkin. Ironically and sadly, Splendour was the very same boat on which the couple wed for the second time in 1972.

Since the Wagner property, which spans two parcels comprising 1.6 acres, was never on the open market, Your Mama is sorry to report we do not have a single photo of the 5 bedroom and 6 bathroom house that was designed by Cliff May, the undisputed king of the classic California ranch house who pioneered the notion of indoor/outdoor living.

According to Miz Ryon, the one story house was designed and built by the amazing Mister May for himself and his family in 1940 and later remodeled several years later. In 1953, according to Miz Ryon, the May family vacated the premises for another, much more lavish home in horsey Sullivan Canyon which lies between Brentwood and Pacific Palisades. May's estate, called "Mandalay," has been torn down, although there are still a fair number of Cliff May ranchos tucked up into Sullivan Canyon.

Interestingly, Miz Ryon, who did note that the sale included two adjacent parcels, did not mention that the second parcel includes a 2,448 square foot guest house with 2 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms. Thanks to our Fairy Godmother in Brentwood, Your Mama was able to get our grubby hands on a few photos of the guest house (below).
Property records indicate that in April of 1983 Mister Wagner paid just $220,000 for the property with the main house. It's unclear to Your Mama whether the purchase of the second parcel with the guest house occurred at the same time or at a later date. Anyone? What is also unclear to Your Mama is whether the guest house was also designed and built by Cliff May. Records indicate the guest house was built in 1946 and the interior photos with the saltillo tile floors and vaulted and beamed ceilings do lead us to believe this is also a Cliff May structure, but again, we don't know.

As of Monday morning, we also don't have any answers about who paid such a huge some of money for a property that backs up the bizzy and loud Sunset Boulevard. Which means we really know frustratingly little more than what Miz Ryon reported. So all you Brentwood people, please, give Your Mama a shout on the email and fill in some of the gaps. After all, the children want to know, and Your Mama just hates looking like an ignorant fool with egg on our face because we aren't able to come up with proper information.

Sources: LA Times, Rancho Style, Internet Movie Data Base

Rafael Furcal's Townhouse of Horrors

SELLER: Rafael Furcal
LOCATION: S. Oakland Avenue, Pasadena, CA
PRICE: $1,159,000
SIZE: 1,860 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Fantastic "Celebrity" owned newer one of a kind 3 level incredible "Venezian townhouse. Shows like a model. May be Largest unit in complex. Mahogany flrs, custom stone work, ganite & custom tiles, master suite with fireplace, open cooks kitchen, Viking appliances outside Viking grill, Private elevator, 3 bedrooms, 5 baths, Great bonus/billiard/media room, 2 car private garage, Flat sceen TV & sound equip & some furniture is available. Great unit!

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Your Mama knows about as much about baseball as Prissy knew about birthin' babies in Gone With the Wind. Which is basically nothin'. So quick now, boil up some water and get me a pile of clean towels because Your Mama is going to attempt to tell you something about Rafael Furcal, who the internets tell us is a short stop for the Los Angeles Dodgers, and the Pasadena condominium he has on the market for $1,159,000.

Now babies, ordinarily Your Mama can not be found combing the condominium listings in Pasadena. We know that Pasadena has some gorgeous Greene and Greene residences and we are well acquainted with the so called Suicide Bridge that spans the Arroyo Seco in Old Town Pasadena. But that is about it for our paltry knowledge of pretty Pasadena. However Your Mama received an email from a gentleman we'll call Lenny Loudmouth who tipped us off to this listing.

Of course, before chatting with Lenny Loudmouth, Your Mama had never iven heard of this Mister Rafael Fucal. A quick search on the internets and Your Mama learned that Mister Furcal, a native Dominican, goes by the naughty sounding nick name "Fookie," has a couple of DUIs under his belt, performed something rare called the "unassisted triple play, and a quick look at the photos provided with the listing for the condo Mister "Fookie" calls home, tells Your Mama that the short stop stops short of having good taste. This well developed athlete could certainly benefit from a nice gay decorator to getting up in his townhouse condominium to work some serious magic.

According to property records, Mister "Fookie" only purchased this 3 bedroom and 4 bathroom townhouse style condominium in April of 2006 for $1,139,000. Which means that with the current asking price of $1,159,000, Mister "Fookie" will be losing money on the transaction after the real estate fees are paid. Which is pretty tough to do in the greater Los Angeles real estate market, even with the mortgage markets in turmoil.

We can all thank the baby jeezis that this three floor townhouse comes with it's own private elevator servicing all floors, because not all Pasadena townhouse lovers have the physical abilities and stamina that a professional baseball player like Mister "Fookie" surely has.

No babies, your eyeballs are not going bad, the photos of the interior are indeed fuzzy with some sort of dizzying pattern, but if you squint your eyes, you'll find it's not worth the effort to do so.

Your Mama has got two questions that perhaps the children can discuss:

1. What is it about heterosexual bachelor men that makes them want a pool table? You don't find these felt covered monstrosities up in the homes of single homosexuals. And do not tell Your Mama that the gays don't play pool. Because if you say that then clearly you have never been to bar where the homosexually inclined congregate. Fierce pool competitions children, fierce.

2. Who is the bikini clad babe in the big photograph hanging on the back wall of the bedroom? Please tell Your Mama that is not Mister "Fookie's" mama.

Note to Lenny Loudmouth...you got any additional information on Mister "Fookie" that you would like to see discussed on Your Mama's little blog, you be sure to give us a shout.

John O'Hurley's House of Hemp

SELLER: John OHurley
LOCATION: Monte Cielo Court, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $6,200,000
SIZE: 5,283 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 9 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Yesterday, the good people over at People announced that actor John O'Hurley and his wifey Lisa have put their Beverly Hills house on the market for $6,200,000 and Your Mama and all the internet children have Miz Rachel P. to thank for sending us the link, because Your Mama does not read that particular magazine...too many human interest stories about folks with missing limbs that have nothing to do with celebrities. Thank you People, but we do not want to read about Rhonda and her inspiring story of losing 300 pounds so she could carry a child. Please.

Anyhoo, The bizzy Mister O'Hurley has many nice acting credits under his belt, but Your Mama best remembers the grey haired actor as the arrogant and dimwitted J. Peterman on Seinfeld. We bet you do to. We'd be remiss not to also mention his recent turn in Spamalot (in Las Vegas, natch), his hosting duties on the game show Family Feud, and his less admirable appearance on the awful hit show Dancing With the Stars. We know that show is a huge success, HUGE, but Your Mama just cringes with embarrassment for the folks on that show. We'll watch it, but we gotta keep one eye closed whenever a former Teen Beat heart throb or an aging actor with a saggy booty struts out on the stage in a pair of too tight pants and a flowing flamenco blouse. Poor things. Everyone has gotta do what they gotta do to pay the mortgage and stay in the public eye.

Located up Coldwater Canyon on a small cul de sac of just four houses, the newly renovated "Italian villa" sits spitting distance from bawdy comedian Jack Black's low slung modern house, but Your Mama just can't imagine these two sitting down together for a bottle of wine and backyard bbq.

The 5,283 square foot house, freshly renovated by the 52 year old O'Hurley who recently became a first time daddy with his much younger blond wifey (surprise!), has 5 bedrooms a living room, dining room, eat in kitchen and a media room. According to the listing information, this house also has nine damn bathrooms, so it is just a good thing there are also maids quarters for the overworked Lucinda to crawl to after scrubbing nine terlits day in and day out.

Your Mama wants to discuss two of those nine bathrooms, specifically the two master bathrooms, which listing information and decor clearly indicate are for a him and a her. Guess the well to do Bev Hills homos and lesbos will not be living up in this house with it's distinctly his and hers master bathrooms. One is all dark marble and woody with a men's club feel and the other is light and bright with a mirrored side table and a soaking tub, because everyone knows the ladies like to soak. It's just so cliche. Obviously this can be changed, but where is a power lezbian in Hollywood going to find more of that chocolate brown marble?

According to the website set up by the listing agent, the walls of the entrance hall have been covered in Japanese silk-hemp. Which can be very convenient when you can't get through to your too dope dealer who's too bizzy with all the young Hollywood starvelets to make a house call. You can just smoke the wall paper.

Perhaps now that there is a baby O'Hurly, the couple prefer to live in a house that does not span three full floors of living space. Certainly chasing a small child up and down the stiars is good for keeping the nanny's weight down, but not so good if the baby takes a tumble. Or maybe they're just looking to cash in on the property.

Your Mama stands corrected on the dates Mister O'Hurley purchased this house...the records we accessed showed a purchase date of in 1990, however, multiple sources have confirmed what one of our lovely readers stated in the comments section that indeed Mister O'Hurley purchased the house only in December of 2004. The records we accessed did show a 1990 purchase date, but this is not an exact science children. We apologize for the error, we do strive to be accurate, but sometimes mistakes are made. Thanks to those who assisted in bringing the error to our attention.

Sources: People

Tommy Lee Rocks Out at the Calabasas Country Club

BUYER: Tommy Lee
LOCATION: La Masina Court, Calabasas, CA
PRICE: $6,750,000 (list price)
SIZE: 8,841, square feet, 6 bedrooms 7.5 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: This is an unusual one children because although we are unable to locate any property records that indicate the sale of this property, we have it on very, very good authority that this house is indeed the new home of impressively endowed rocker Tommy Lee. Your Mama first received a tip on this from a little lady we'll call Lisa Looselips back in mid July, but at the time we were unable to get any sort of confirmation.

Then yesterday, out of the blue, the subject of Tommy Lee came up again from another impeccable source, a gentleman who always seems to know where everyone lives. So we got on the horn to Lucy Spillerguts, our go-to gal when trying to suss out the what's what with a property. And Lucy tells us also that Mister Lee has indeed recently taken possession of this house.

Located in the suburban wilds of the Calabasas Golf and Country Club, Mister Lee's new house is a modern pile amid a sea of high end Mediterranean tract houses. All you crazed and ignorant Motley Crue fans who think it might be fun to jump in your hoopdies and head out to Calabasas and party with Mister Lee will be sorely disappointed when you run into the gate at the bottom of the hill that will ensure that you are not able to drive your messed up Mercury up to the circular drive of this house.

According to listing information, the 8,891 square foot house with 6 bedrooms and 7.5 bathrooms was remodeled in 2005 and includes a jaw dropping 3,000 square foot underground garage for 12 cars. A few other unique features of the house, which has been remodeled with a "water and sand" theme (whatever that is), includes a three story atrium with koi pond and spa, indoor gardens with a retractable roof, full gym, a professional movie theater, 2 kitchens, including one which is a catering/wine tasting kitchen complete with stone floors and oak kegs, and a piano shaped pebble-tech pool with a "party spa for 10."

Do you get the feeling this is the perfect house for a rock star too? Well, except for the suburban neighbors who just might not appreciate a party spa filled with a slew of plastic boobed bimbets trucked in from Hollywood in a big white limozeen as much as Mister Tommy Leeand his tatooed buddies might.

Or will Mister Lee be settling down to a suburban life of rented movies and dinner at Marie Calenders with Kimberly Stewart, the "what does she do all day?" daughter of legendary rocker Rod Stewart?

We have also heard that Miz Pam Anderson, the on again off again paramour of Mister Lee and mother of his children, has very recently moved from the house on Morningside Drive in Malee-boo she was renting. So perhaps, we speculate based on no real information here children so do not go repeating anything we say, the enormously endowed duo are going to give it another go in Calabasas? Stranger things have happened with these two.

As of this morning Your Mama has not been able to flush out a sale price for this houe. Perhaps our good friend Mister Big Time with his crazy ways will be able to dig up that information.

Sources: Pacific Coast News (top photo)

Paris Hilton's New Pad

BUYER: Paris Hilton
PRICE: $6,250,000 (list price)
LOCATION: Clerendon Road, Beverly Hills, CA
SIZE: 7,493 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 5.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Large motor court leads to this beautiful 7,500 sf Mediterranean in Guard Gated Mulholland Estates with Designer treatments, elegant details and lovely views. Family & entertaining spaces inside & out. Striking 2-stry entry, LR, office w/built-ins. FDR w/ Butler's pantry & wine closet. Lg cntr isl gourmet kit w/ top line appls & breakfast rm. Lg fam rm w/ wetbar & fp. Mstr ste w/fp, pvt balc, city vuus, wetbar & sumptuous mstr ba. Gym & lge bnus rm w/ fp. Maid's rm. Pool, spa & BBQ.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Looks like Paris "Pokey" Hilton has done bought herself a new mansion. Your Mama has been hearing whispers and rumors for quite some time now about a particular house up in the guard gated community of Mulholland Estates and all signs do indeed point towards a big yellow house on Clerendon Road.

Your Mama understands why this blond gurl and her 12 itty bitty puppies would want to live up in a guard gated community. Even the most publicity hungry in Hollywood eventually get sick and tired of having to take pictures with Danish tourists while taking out the garbage or having their dirty q-tips that were fished out of the garbage auctioned off on Ebay. Who can blame them really?

Ever since Miss Hilton was sprung from the clink and sold her N. King's Road house in West Hollywood, all the buzz has been that she's looking for a house in a gated community. And the 24 hour guard gated Mulholland Estates fits the bill. The community, technically in Sherman Oaks even though the developers were able to get the 90210 address, has been and continues to be home to many celebs including Vanna White, Brian Wilson (whose house is currently on the market), and Loni Anderson (who just sold her houses) and The Spitter Avril Lavigne (who also just sold her house). Previous residents include Tom Arnold (who bought his house from Paula Abdul and recently sold again), Xtina Aguillera, Shaquille O'Neal, Paul Anka (who recently sold to Lisa Gores), and some more who our little pea brain can't recall.

No property records Your Mama is able to access show that Pokey is indeed purchasing this house, but all our sources and tipsters are fingering this house. Fingering like crazy. Also, all the big tabloid and celebrity mags are pointing here too. We figger where there's smoke, there's often fire. Could be wrong. We've been wrong before. Could be that Pokey's own people planted the piece in US Magazine to through all us real estate gossips off her little blond trail.

Your Mama doesn't have much to say about the house, particularly since the contents of the home seen in the photos are not Pokey's, nor do they belong to a celebrity. We will say that we are more often than not non-plussed by the homes up in Mulholland Estates. They're big. They're "well appointed" with SubZeros, Vikings and ungodly numbers of terlits. They usually have nice views of the San Fernando Valley if you like that view. Otherwise they look like big fancy houses anywhere in the good ol' US of A, only much more expensive.

We do so hope and imagine that the house will have a full scale make over by Paris' huge team of nice gay decorators to rid the place of all the beige tile and black granite. We're seeing mirrored side tables, white couches and a couple of stripper poles in the room with the leopard print carpeting. Ya'll may be fooled by all the reports of Paris settling down, getting all church lady and reading the Bible, the Bhagavad Gita and all that Kabbalah crap. But not Your Mama. We know this weave headed heiress still likes to shake her scantily clad money maker and work it down with the Hollywood demi monde.

Only time will tell whether this is indeed the house the Paris will call home. But when and if she does move in, we expect her neighbors will not be pleased by the circling helicopters and those bloated, poorly raised, and foul mouthed Davis brothers hanging around and peeling out in their Bentleys up and down Clerendon Road.

Towering Beauty Christie Brinkley's Tower Hill

SELLER: Christie Brinkley
LOCATION: Brick Kiln Road, Bridgehampton, NY
PRICE: $30,000,000
SIZE: 8,500 square feet (approx.), 11 bedrooms, 9 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Originally built in 1898 by local nobility Dr. John Gardiner and named Dulce Domum, this country residence was set upon a twenty-acre parcel two hundred feet above sea level...475 tones of local rock was used for the base foundation of this twelve bedroom compound, which consists of the considerable main house with multi-level stone terraces, a substantial guest house with a greenhouse conservatory overlooking a botanical nursery and a palatial gunite pool, a substantial barn artist studio with gym, living quarters with a four car heated garage.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Your Mama is a little late to the party on this one, but better to arrive late in a good pair of shoos than not at all, right? On Monday, the NY Post's supreme celebrity real estate gossip Braden Keil was the first to report that super model mommy Christie Brinkley had once again put her massive Bridgehampton compound on the market, this time with a stunning $30,000,000 price tag. All the tabloids and and celebrity gossips, including Your Mama, have scrambled to jump on Mister Keil's coattails with with reports of their own.

Y'all will recall that poor Miz Brinkley has recently been though a traumatic time in regards to her philandering husband, architect Peter Cook, who was caught fooling around with a teenage gurl he met while shopping in a toy store. A damn teenage gurl! Please. So it's really no surprise to anyone that the 53 year old gorgeousness, who booted the adulterer and finagled the big Bridgehampton estate into her own name, would want to sell the marital house of horrors that she and the hubby lovingly refurbished together in 1998.

The 20 acre+ compound, known as Tower Hill because of the impressive 5-story observation tower the house is built around, has been on and off the market quite a bit in the last few years, including last summer when the former couple called it splitsville. The spectacular and beautifully restored property was on the market for $26,500,000, but the listing was removed in the wake of the public spectacle of their scandalous break up. Apparently the house has gained $3,500,000 in sympathy value since last summer.

According to the listing for the property, as well as Mister Keil's report, the 8,500 square foot main house features 5 of the 11 bedrooms on the property, an upper living room with two massive stone fireplaces, a lower living room that spills out to the broad stone terraces at the back of the house, a two-story wood paneled family room, and of course, the 5 story tower, which puts a person high enough in the air to induce acrophobia and to view the Connecticut shore line. Does Your Mama even need to tell the children that we would not even consider breaking a sweat and going breathless climbing five flights of stairs just to catch a glimpse of the Connecticut coastline? We can far more easily, preferably and comfortably sit out by that delicious 75 foot long swimming pool and look at picture books of the Connecticut shore line.

Adjacent to the gargantuan gunite swimming pool sits the guest quarters, which include an all glass greenhouse conservatory, an architectural folly which Your Mama has never understood. Unless you like to grow hothouse flowers, and y'all know we do not, why would someone want an all glass room that heats up like a damn sauna during the oppressively humid Hamptons summers? Not to mention the amount of money required to pay someone to keep all that glass crystal clear and streak free.

A large barn completes the structures on the property and includes Miz Brinkley's painting studio, a gym (natch), more living quarters, presumably for staff, and a four car heated garage, because a person needs to keep the Mercedes warm in the dead of winter.

And let's not forget the outdoor activities on the property which include a tennis court/basketball court, extensive gardens, rolling lawns, and a playground for the kiddies. All good things considering this North of the highway location is about as far from the beach as one can get in the Hamptons.

Miz Brinkley, who lives in the Hamptons full time and year round, is well known as an East End land baroness. In addition to Tower Hill, the statuesque stunner owns an ocean front beach shack in Water Mill on Flying Point Road that she previously had on the market for $7,900,000 but took off so that she and the kids could use over the summer. At least that's what we were told. There are also a couple of properties up in North Haven, including the 4.4 acre water front property on Fahys Road which includes a big Greek Revival house. Your Mama understand this is where philandering Pete is shacking up, although if we know Pete, and we don't know Pete, the aging playboy is not sleeping alone up in North Haven.

Your Mama hears from Motormouth Molly, who is privy to the North Haven gossip, that the Cook/Brinkley's have always been perturbed that local folks use the beach beside the Fahys Road property. Miss Molly also cattily tells Your Mama that not only have the estranged couple been known to shoo the locals away from the beach, "They are well known to insult their neighbors at village hall meetings, especially Mr.Cook." Oh dear.

And let's not forget the other Fahys Road property that Brinkley just purchased (listed at $10,995,000). The 2.6 acre water front spread happens to be right next door to the Fahys Road property mentioned above. Right. Next. Door. Could Miz Brinkley be preparing to evict the adulterer and create a new water front compound for herself and the kids? Is she trying to keep everyone close by for the sake of the kiddies relationship to their dallying daddy? Or is the model mommy trying to stick a needle in ol' Pete's wandering eye by moving right next door where she can keep an eye on all the bronzed Hamptons hussies making their way in and out of the big Greek Revival house?

Sources: NY Post

Let's Talk About Ashlee Simpson

SELLER: Ashlee Simpson
LOCATION: 16187 Royal Oak Road, Encino, CA
PRICE: $5,700,000 (sale price)
SIZE: 9,005 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 7 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Only 2 miles North of Mulholland in prime Royal Oaks, walled & gated trophy architectural with major security system up a long drive on a 1+ acre promontory w/ 360 degree views. Every amenity that a discerning buyer would desire and the privacy that a celebrity would require.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: We're just gonna come right out and say it. Your Mama does not care for Ashlee Simpson. She may in fact be a lovely, kind, thoughtful and generous person. We sincerely hope she is. But one thing beehatcha is NOT, is a very good singer. She's not very good at lip synching either. Oops! She's probably not the worst singer to grace the billboards in the last few years, but she's hardly a sublime chanteuse with multi-million dollar vocal chords.

We can live with the fact that all the tabs write ad infinitum about whether she did or did not have a nose job, when she so obviously went under the nasal knife whether she admits it or not. (Did that hook in her nose just go away in a growth spurt?) We can live with the fact that we have to read all about her romantic relationship with quasi-bisexual boyfriend rocker Pete Wentz. We can tolerate, just barely, all the stories about her creepy daddy/manager who makes a disturbing habit of discussing his daughters' boobies in public.

But Your Mama draws the line at real estate. It just chaps Your Mama's hide something fierce when a barely talented 21 year old gurl has the financial wherewithal to purchase multi-million dollar properties. Seriously children, this little gurl lip synched her way to riches while following in the reality television footsteps of her older sister Jessica "Chestica" Simpson. And let's not forget litte Miss Ashlee's ever churning PR machine and the daddy/manager who knows how to work the paparazzi and the tabloids like nobody's bizness.

All you Ashlee fans open your ears and listen good. Your Mama is absolutely not jealous of this young and talent free "singer" because she's got money to burn. Oh no. Nor do we give a shit that her first album went triple platinum. Triple platinum does not mean she's a skilled singer. It means that a lot of teenage gurls with more allowance money than ability to recognize talent over hype bought a lot of CDs. Big freaking deal. Bitch wouldn't last two rounds on American Idol. Your Mama can't stand those silly American Idol singers either with their saccharine renditions of Alice Cooper songs. But at least those singers can actually SING.

Back in July of 2005, little Miss Ashlee bought a big house in Encino at 16187 Royal Oak Drive for a whopping $4,500,000. Property records show the then 21 year old gurl took a huge mortgage on the 9,005 square foot house with 4 bedrooms and 7 bathrooms. That's right children, 9,005 square feet of house just for one 21 year old gurl. Please. Listing information for the house at the time of the sale shows additional features which include an art studio, dance studio, gym, lanai, library/study, media room, office, sauna and a thank gawd, service entrance so that little Miss Ashlee would not have to suffer the indignity of the cleaning lady using the front door.

Located at the end of a cul de sac on a promontory overlooking the hills and dales of an upscale section of Encino in the San Fernando Vally, Your Mama thinks the glass and concrete house has more in common with a suburban office building than a suburban mansion. The corporate looking water fountain at the front of the house screams suburban Chicago office park, and Your Mama once worked in an office building in suburban New Jersey (don't ask) with a front courtyard eerily similar to the one at the front of little Miss Simpson's house.

The backyard swimming pool, with nice long views of the surrounding hillsides, is obviously a nice, if expected feature in a multi million dollar home in the Valley where temperatures easily soar above 90 in the summer. The pool deck both wraps around the sides of the house and cascades down to a lovely grassy area with amazing 270 degree views, including a view of daddy Joe and mommy Tina's own Encino mansion bought with the riches brought in by their famous daughters.

Your Mama does not have many photos of the interior from when little Miss Ashlee lived at Royal Oak, but we did manage to locate one photo of the living room. We confess to digging the complicated and brightly covered fabric on the furniture. However, is it just Your Mama, or does this look to anyone else like the lobby of a boutique hotel in India?

All published reports from when little Miss Simpson sold the house state that her favorite feature of the house was its 1,300 square foot closet in the master suite that included its own washer/dryer unit. Thirteen hundred square feet is larger than most peoples' homes or apartments, and this little snot, who's barely old enough to drink liquor legally, is out there bragging about the size of her damn closet? Hunny, no wonder people think you're obnoxious.

Not only that, but when the lip synching singer sold the house in October of 2006 for $5,700,000, she pocketed a shocking $1,200,000 after owning the house just over one year. Which just seems wrong. Except then again, Mister Hulk Hogan just pocketed far more than that after selling his Miami Beach home after just one year of owning.

Little Miss Ashlee's house was reportedly bought by Hawaiian business man Edward Keh, who made a fortune shacking up old people in convalescent homes. Most reports little Miss Ashlee was headed to the beach because at the time she was dating some surfer dude or another. She did not buy a house at the beach.
BUYER: Ashlee Simpson
LOCATION: Oak Pass Road, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $4,500,045 (sale price)
SIZE: 5,896 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Private walled Mediterranean escape. Spectacular living spaces with high ceilings, gourmet kitchen with top of the line appliances. Spacious master suite with walk-in closets, his/her baths, FP and private balcony with incredible canyon vistas. Media room, gym, large sparkling pool and detached 2 story self-contained guest house.

YOUR MAMAS UPDATE: We were sent a small cache of photos of the house Miss Ashlee purchased...please keep in mind that the interior design is from the previous owner and NOT Miss Ashlee.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: In January of 2007, little Miss Ashlee paid $4,500,045 for a 5,896 square foot house in the Beverly Hills Post Office. Located just around the corner from a-listers Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher's modern masterpiece, Little Miss Ashlee's new house features 4 bedrooms and 4 bathrooms, a gourmet kitchen, a master suite with double bathrooms (one for Ashlee and one for Pete and his purse full of black eyeliner), media room, gym, canyon views, and a lovely rectangular shaped pool with a two story pool house/ guest house.

One day Your Mama hopes that America will wake up and require that their pop princesses and tabloid queens actually have a little bit of talent to justify the vast sums of money they earn. But until that happens Your Mama would advise little Miss Ashlee to enjoy it now and to pay her mortgage down as quickly as possible, because it is our humble, humble opinion, that you're near the top of the list of vastly wealthy young and not very talented gurls whose incomes are going to dry up before they are thirty. Good luck gurl.

Your Mama would like to thank our Fairy Godmother in Bel Air and The Strapping Hunk for their input and assistance.

Oh, and P.S...Ashlee hunny, we liked your old nose better.

Sources: People Magazine, US Magazine, Buzz Sugar, Idolator, iVillage

A Whirlwind Tour Through Billionaire Len Blavatnik's Behemoth Digs

A week or two ago Your Mama discussed the dee-luxe digs at 1040 Fifth Avenue that booze baron and entertainment mogul Edgar Bronfman Junior reportedly purchased for clost to $20,000,000. Y'all will recall that 1040 Fifth is the same building where the legendary Jackie-O lived for many years until her death in the 1990s. In that discussion we mentioned that Mister Bronfman Jr. had also reportedly sold his 15,000 square foot townhouse at 15 East 64th Street for a rumored $50,000,000+.

Today, the good people over at the NY Observer, specifically the incomparable real estate gossip Max Abelson, report that the townhouse was purchased for by Russian born oligarch Len Blavatnik, who Forbes ranked as the 40th richest man in the world in 2006 with a $7.0 billion fortune. Your Mama imagines that he's got a couple hundred million more by now.

The oil, gas and metals magnate has made quite a name for himself in the world of excessively expensive real estate. In 2004 he famously spent $100,000,000+ on his London residence, located at 15a Kensington Palace Gardens. If Blavatnik can't be royalty, he may as well have more money than the damn queen and live right next door to where heaps of royals shack up in the elegant apartment house known as Kensington Palace, former home of the dead Princess Diana.

Blavatik's monstrous London house includes 10 bedrooms, 9 bathrooms, 4 reception rooms and of course, staff quarters. But when you're a billionaire, big is sometimes just not big enough. According to a recent article in The Times, Mister Blavatnik has submitted plans to excavate the under the front and rear yards in order to accommodate an underground parking garage with car stacker, an indoor swimming pool, gym, and home theater. You go gurl!

More recently, the real estate obsessed tycoon has been making a big splash in the upper reaches of the luxury housing market in New York City. Blavatnik attempted to buy big fancy apartments all over town, but was reportedly turned down by the finicky and fussy boards at the San Remo on Central Park West, and also at 927 Fifth Avenue, home to luminaries such as Mary Tyler Moore and Paula Zahn, and the former home of the controversial Pale Male.

Finally, in the Fall of 2006, Blavatnik was able to bully his way into swanky and staid 998 Fifth Avenue where he paid a reported $27,500,000 for a sprawling 14 room apartment with four bedrooms, 5.5 bathrooms, a 35 foot long gallery and two maids rooms. 998 Fifth is the very same building where Edgar Junior's brother Matthew recently purchased society diva Anne Slater's apartment which had been on the market for $17,700,000. It's a small world after all.

Apparently the 14 room apartment at 998 Fifth Avenue was not quite large enough for Mister Blavatnik and his wifey Emily. Max Abelson states in his article that the uber rich couple had hoped to purchase an adjoining apartment to combine with their already large digs. But alas, the board put their feet down on that idea.

So townhouse shopping the couple a-went, finally settling on Edgar Bronfman Juniors massive mansion on East 64th Street. Abelson reports that Blavatnik is paying somewhere around $51,000,000 for the house which features, "a bronze-shaded waxed-steel vestibule, a 2.5-story indoor piazza with Nigerian fertility statue and secret stairways, a balconied master bedroom and children’s playroom, plus a glass-floored library terrace." If reports are accurate, and Abelson usually is, Blavatnik will be only the second person to pay more than $50,000,000 for a New york townhouse, the other being billionaire J. Christopher Flowers who bought the Harkness Mansion last year.

Presumably the Blavatnik apartment at 998 will hit the market soon. Perhaps they can sell it to Matthew Bronfman who may be in the market to combine two massive units at 998 Fifth Aveneu. That is unless the Blavatniks are planning on keeping it to house the staff.

Sources: New York Observer, The Times, The Age, The City Review, New York Post

Andrew Vajna's Lemon on Lime Orchard Road

SELLER: Andrew Vajna
LOCATION: Lime Orchard Road, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $6,495,000
SIZE: 9,516 square feet, 7 bedrooms, 9 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Exceptional privacy and sophistication on 2 acres up a long, private gated drive. Wonderful indoor-outdoor flow to pl, covered patio, tennis court and verdant mountain vistas. Richly detailed inside, with soaring ceilings and handcrafted parquet flrs. Enormous fam rm with beautiful bar and wine racks. Extensive master suite on first level with office, fireplace, sauna, double baths and huge closets. 3 add'l brs up, plus one down. 2br maid or in-law suite has separate stairway.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: The name Andew Vajna may not roll easily off your tongue, and you might just need to be in the "industry" or be a film credit reader in order to recognize his name. Your Mama guarantees that you've seen or heard of many films which were financed and/or produced by Mister Vanja, who happens to be one of the most prolific film producers in the action genre.

Mister Vanja has had his Hungarian hand in such money making blockbuster films as Die Hard 3, the Terminator and Rambo franchises, and well as The Scarlett Letter, Evita, and Basic Instinct 2. Your Mama wonders if it was Mister Vanja who wisely and smartly red lighted Miss Sharon Stone exposing her middle aged hoo-hoo in B.I.2. Don't get Your Mama wrong, we love us some of that crazy ass Sharon Stone. The lady does amazing work with AMFAR and she's always good for a puzzling outfit. But we do not, we repeat, do not ever want to see her lady bits exposed the big screen again.

Mister Vanja's house, tucked up into the hills on the guard gated Lime Orchard Road, occupies a nearly perfect location in the Bev Hills Post Office. The two acre parcel sits on a guard gated street, which helps to ensure the riff raff and the looky-loos won't be cruising the streets with digital cameras hoping to catch a glimpse of the neighborhood honchos and celebs as they boss the landscapers and instruct the maid where to set out the garbage cans. The perfectly private location overlooks the wilds of Franklin Canyon and provides its owner with all the amenities expected in a $6,000,000+ home including gorgeous views, a gated motor court, lighted tennis court and a lovely oval heated swimming pool.

What makes this lot less than perfect in Your Mama's humble opinion is Charleton Heston. Yes children, the gun loving senior citizen lives at the top of the hill in a modern mansion that overlooks Mister Vanja's property. We have no doubt that the siting of Mister Vanja's house obscures the prying eyes of Mister Heston, but it's not Mister Heston's eyes that worry us. It's the fear of stray bullets that might wander down as ol' Charlie stands on his deck and takes advantage of his right to bear arms.

Your Mama wants so much to like this house, because, Heston aside, we are really quite enamored of the location. But as we look at the photos of the 9,516 square foot house, we are simply mortified. Mor-tih-fied. How is it that a man with this much money can live in a house that looks like it has not had a nice gay decorator up in there since 1984?

We'll allow that the living room is not all bad. We like the large burnt orange colored carpet, and the lucite coffee table gives us goose bumps. We even dig the silver walls and we can live with the beige sofas, ordinary as they may be. But please do not get Your Mama started on the cock-eyed collection of picture frames on the wall, the swagged funeral home curtains or the lonely black lacquer screen. A talented and nice gay decorator go turn this room in to something really lovely with just three days and $5,000.

The rest of the decor, however, makes us puke in our mouth a little. We're sorry Mister Vanja, Your Mama does not intend to be cruel here, but we loathe the hand crafted parquet floors, the entrance hall looks like something in a dated Dallas mansion, and the master bedroom with the furniture fabric that matches the wallaper...well that's just criminal. We're also disturbed by the card table in the master bedroom. Card table? What?

Given the secluded location of the property, the detached 2 bedroom staff/guest quarters, and the tremendous master suite that features a fireplace, attached office, double bathrooms, sauna, and extensive closets, Your Mama thinks this would be an excellent house for a celebrity who is willing to take on the trouble and expense of a gut renovation. And, of course, the new owner will need to to wait out ol' Charlie up the hill before feeling safe to wander the patios, pool deck and tennis court without being a victim of an errant bullet.

The Lime Orchard Road enclave is home to many of Hollywoods rich and famous including Tom Freston and Guy Oseary. Earlier this week we discussed a couple other houses on Lime Orchard Road including Jessica Simpson's gorgeous spread, and the country Tudor that Bling Queen Kimora Lee Simmons recently purchased.

Sources: Go Fug Yourself, Internet Movie Data Base,

UPDATE: Hulk Hogan

Who says the South Florida real estate market is in the terlit? Your Mama certainly thought it was. And maybe it is for everyone except Terry Bollea, aka Hulk Hogan. According to the Miami Herald, the professional wrestler with the freaky bleached porn mustache has sold his Miami Beach house at an unbelievably monstrous profit in just over one year of owning the North Bay Road property.

Your Mama discussed the property back in July not long after it had hit the market with an ear piercing asking price of $18,9000,000, which was a whopping $6,900,000 MORE than Mister Bollea and his wifey paid for the property in April of 2006.

According to the Miami Herald report, the gargantuan house was purchased for just under the asking price by action film director/producer Michael Bay, who is flush with vast sums of cash from his enormous successes on Transformers, Pearl Harbor, Armageddon, The Rock and Bad Boys.

Just under the asking price?! WHAT?!

If the report is accurate, and we're sure it is, this means that the Hulkster made five or six million clams in a floundering Miami Beach market by flipping his humongous mansion. Your Mama is not sure whether to be impressed or aghast. Of course, a house is only worth what someone will pay for it, so apparently this house is worth somewhere in the neighborhood of $18,000,000 even though just one year ago it was only worth $12,000,000. Well, you could pick us up off the floor now, because Your Mama done passed out trying to get our mind around that sort of exuberant increase in value in just one year.

Mister Bay's new house, a slick 17,339 square foot pair of big white boxes separated by a large courtyard with a huge water feature, is the perfect home for his next live action hero to call home.

On a side note, according to the Miami Herald article, as the Bollea's were moving out of the property last week they realized they had been robbed of $1000,000 worth of jewelry, including several necklaces and a diamond watch. Although stealing is wrong (wrong, wrong, WRONG!), Your Mama is having a tough time feeling bad for the couple who are sitting on a jaw dropping, unbeievable and mammoth profit from the sale of their house, which means they can well afford to buy replacement diamond watches for the entire family. And Your Mama too.

If we've said it once, we've said it a thousand and one times, one of the ways the rich and famous get richer is by flipping high end properties.

Sources Miami Herald

George Santo Pietro's $50,000,000 Speculation House

SELLER: George Santo Pietro
LOCATION: 77 Beverly Park Lane, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $50,000,000
SIZE: 30,000 square feet (approx.), 9 bedrooms, 15 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: An amazing Italian Villa designed by renowned architect William Hablinski. Superbly located on two plush acres in Beverly Park, this 9BR, 14BA villa features a grand screening room & wine basement built for kinds & many other remarkable features. The grand scale living, dining & family rooms & gourmet kitchen make it ideal for entertaining guests & dignitaries. outdoor luxuries include an Italian kitchen, sand volleyball court, and herb & spice garden. This residence is simply beyond compare.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: The children have been screaming and emailing for Your Mama to discuss the big ass house in Beverly Park that has recently hit the market for a bank account draining $50,000,000. They all want to know, who does it belong to? Well children, Your Mama happens to know who owns this house. It was built on speculation by a gentleman named George Santo Pietro, whose name some of you may recognize as the ex-huzband of letter turner Vanna White.

Some reports say Mister Santo Pietro is a restaurant mogul, some that he's a dolly grip (whatever that is) for film and television. Others that he's a developer. Perhaps he is all three. Whatever the case, he's got enough money, credit, and collateral to build a monstrous mansion on speculation. Y'all know what speculation means, right? It means this Santo Pietro person built the house in order to sell it on at a gigantic profit.

While Your Mama was unable to locate accurate and up to date property records for the newly built house, published reports say the place measures in at a mind numbing 30,000 square feet, which means it's pretty much the size of a small hotel. The listing states the house sits on more than 2 acres and includes 9 bedrooms and 15 bathrooms, a sure indication that the owner will require at least one full time terlit brush wielding staff person.

Let's not forget that the backyard has been kitted out to include an outdoor kitchen area, a sand volleyball court, heating swimming pool, and an herb and vegetable garden, which apparently has been planted and maintained although no one actually lives in the house.

Miz Vanna White and her ex-hubby have a long history up behind the guarded and hallowed gates of Beverly Park. Back in the early 1990s, the couple purchased a vacant lot at 75 Beverly Park Lane where they built a 14,554 square foot Italianate mansion with 8 bedrooms and 10 bathrooms. According to property records, which we found a mite confusing on this address, it appears that Miz Vanna White still retains some sort of ownership of the property.

None the less, in the wake of her dee-vorce, Miz Vanna White decamped from uber swank Beverly Park to Mulholland Estates, another posh guard gated community off Mulholland Drive. Records reveal that in October of 2001 Miz Vanna White purchased an 8,988 square foot Mediterranean style house on Aubrey Road that includes 7 bedrooms and 9 bathrooms.

Mister Santo Pietro stayed put in Beverly Park, where Your Mama likes to imagine Mister Santo Pietro as he sits on the second story patio of his big house at 75 overlooking the newly built and bigger house at 77 counting all the different ways he'll spend the many millions of dollars he'll earn on the sale of this house.

Only time will tell if Mister Santo Pietro will get anywhere near the $50,000,000 asking price. After all, it's not the only house on the open market in Beverly Park. Across the street, a 17,826 square foot mansion owned by former body builder and nutritional supplement magnate Bill Phillips has long been on the market for $34,000,000, and the 10 bedroom and 15 bathroom house at 27 Beverly Park Terrace owned by Indonesian biznessman Han Moeljadi is on the market for $29,000,000.

As an aside, Miz Vanna White and Mister Santo Pietro have two children. Which in and of itself is of no matter, because although Your Mama loves all our children fiercely, we could give a rat's ass about other people's children. Except when their nanny is a reality television "star." That's right babies, the Santo Pietro children's nanny is reportedly none other than the conniving, excessively vain, and barely articulate bikini model Jen Johnson, who is featured on the current season of Big Brother (8), a show which Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter have become increasingly and unfortunately obsessed. Poor dears. Your Mama really does have to wonder if the Jenious is going to have a job when she gets booted from the Big Brother house.

Sources: Luxist, Wall Street Journal, Extra, Internet Movie Data Base,

Jessica Simpson's House of Rotating Celebrities

OWNER: Jessica Simpson
LOCATION: Lime Orchard Road, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $5,275,052 (sale price)
SIZE: 5,500 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 6 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Simmer down now children, we are well aware that Jessica Simpson buying this house is news as old as Your Mama. But we were not discussing celebrity real estate back in late 2005 when she bought the house, and we figgered that since Bling Queen Kimora Lee Simmons just purchased the house directly next door, it might be nice to have a look around Simmons' celebrity laden neighborhood, starting with the House of Jessica Simpson.

Some properties just seem to attract the Hollywood elite like fish to water, and the Lime Orchard Road house that bubble brained Jessica Simpson bought in the aftermath of her dee-vorce from ex-boy band singer Nick Lachey is one of those houses.

Your Mama watched the first season of Newlyweds just like everyone else. And of course, just like everyone else, we were mortified by just how dense Miss Simpson appeared to be, and how boring Mister Lachey seemed to be, despite his rather appealing beau-dee. Even more shocking and upsetting to Your Mama, however, was the fact that the young couple chose to live in a big and suburban mansion in Calabassas. Now children, we do not want to hear about what a lovely community Calabassas is and how scores of rich and famous live there. We have heard it all before, and we know. None the less, we found it odd and striking that a young and rich newly married couple in their very early twenties would choose to live in a house and location more suitable to a pharmaceutical executive, his stay at home mommy-wife, and their three children.

As a result, we were a little surprised back in late 2005, in the aftermath of the couple's very public split, when both Nick and Jessica went on to purchase gorgeous and celebrity worthy homes. Nick headed to Bel Air where he purchased a confection of airy white boxes with staggering views from Seal and model mommy Heidi Klum. Jessica relocated to the Hills of Beverly where she purchased her house from one of Hollywood's most talked about young power players, celebrity manager Rick Yorn. The big house in Calabassas was, of course, purchased by another young celebrity, this time teenage television actor Justin Berfield.

Starting in the mid-1990s, the Lime Orchard Road house began its history of owners that reads like a who's who of Hollywood. First there was funny lady Jami Gertz and her huzband Tony Ressler, a finance man with a lot, we repeat, a lot of money. Next came bigwig television executive Tom Freston, who lived in the house for a couple of years before moving to another and larger house on Lime Orchard Road in 2001. Mister Freston sold the house to another funny lady, Ellen Degeneres.

As is typical of the always on the move lady lover, Degeneres kept the house only two years before selling in 2003 to Rick Yorn, uber-manager to celebrities such as Leonado DiCaprio, Cameron Diaz, Martin Scorcese, and Benecio Del Toro. Although the photos above show the house as it looked when Mister Yorn put it on the market in 2005, Your Mama presumes that it was obsessive renovator Degeneres who did the updating, upgrading, and spectacular remodel of the house.

Which brings us to the property's present owner, Miss Jessica Simpson, who purchased the 5 bedroom, 6 bathroom house from Mister Yorn in December of 2005 for $5,275,052. Occupying an unusually shaped lot, the property includes a courtyard entrance with flagstone terracing, a 5,500 square foot house, and a long private back yard with a lap pool.

Your Mama would like to congratulate Miss Jessica Simpson for mustering the brain power to buy such a lovely and well located home. Not only does it's landscaping provide extreme privacy, but the house is located in a gated enclave which ensures that Miss Simpson will not step out her front door to find a rented car full of teenage tourists from Kansas screaming and snapping photos as she loads up her Range Rover with whatever it is she loads in her Range Rover.

Since Miss Jessica Simpson has not yet invited Your Mama over for a tuna sandwich, we have now way of knowing if she and her team of nice gay decorators have kept the lovely white walls and the dark floors. We hope so. Your Mama already knows all you paint freaks out there are going to say that the house needs to have some color put on the walls, but we disagree. This house sits in a shady spot and the white walls help to harness the filtered light and reflect it into the corners of the rooms.

Personally Your Mama would liked to have seen a little more color utilized in the rugs and furniture choices, but even still, it is our humble opinion that this house was thoughtfully, carefully, and successfully decorated. Except for that damn juke box in the family room. That can go.

Your Mama sincerely hopes that Miss Jessica finds some deserved peace and calm in this house, particularly since she's had a rough go of it since becoming a dee-vorcée. Her movie career is in the terlit, her on again off again tabloid relationship with moody singer John Mayor appears to finally be over, and her little sister Ashlee and her sexually ambiguous boyfriend Pete Wentz are eclipsing her celebrity more and more every day. Well, at least Miss Jessica has a lovely and safe house in which to lick her wounds and plot her next career moves. Maybe she could call Rick Yorn for some advice.

Sources: The Blemish, New York Magazine, Deadline Hollywood Daily, US Magazine

Vicki Lawrence's Wallpaper Border Madness in Long Beach

SELLER: Vicki Lawrence and Al Schultz
LOCATION: Lido Lane, Long Beach, CA
PRICE: $5,000,000
SIZE: 4,200 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Beautiful Custom home has 5 br, 5 ba, game room w/ built in bar & fireplace, renovated kitchen. Master suite w/ fireplace & vaulted ceilings. 1 br downstairs. Living rm w/ fireplace & wet bar. Balconies on each level w/ views of the bay. Includes nearby boat slip on open water that has 60' pierhead & accommodates large yacht. Perfect home for entertaining. 3-car garage w/ storage.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: We love Vicki Lawrence. We loved her fiercely on the Carol Burnett Show in the 1960s and 70s, and even though she's not really the best singer to warble a tune, her 1973 number 1 hit song The Nights the Lights Went Out in Georgia is on regular rotation on our iPod. We loved her spin off show called Mama's Family (natch), and we loved every single one of her many, many appearances on game shows.

But we do not, can not, and will not appreciate her tri-level house in Long Beach, California that Los Angeles Times celebrity real estate gossip Ruth Ryon reported in today's Hot Properties column has been put on the market for a whopping $5,000,000. Yes, the place does have lovely views of palm trees and the Alamitos Bay, and it includes a 60 foot pier head to accommodate a large yacht, but otherwise this place makes Your Mama dee-pressed.

One need only step through the front door and run smack into that abomination that is the juke box to know that this house breaks all the rules of intelligent and satisfying interior design. Even though Your Mama is approaching 100 years old, we are still perhaps too young to appreciate the nostalgia of a juke box which hearkens back to a time of sock hops and roller skating waitresses. Which is all well and good for the Fonzies and Laverne Defazios of the world. None the less, it does not matter how old one is, a juke box should never ask for acceptance and appreciation in the damn entrance hall of a $5,000,000 house.

Next up, the game room, where we find a pool table, a humongous and old fashioned console television, a wet bar, and an extensive collection of kawkee brown leather furniture. We could easily and happily shred each of those choices and features, but far and away the most upsetting and disturbing element of this room is that hideous wall paper border at the ceiling.

Wallpaper borders appear to be a repeating and unfortunate decorating motif in Miss Vicki's house where we also find a ridiculous floral wallpaper border in the dining room and worst of all, the crazy sailing scene border in the guest bedroom with the quasi patriotic red and white quilt. Oh, no. Please tell me you did not do that Miss Vicki.

All you misguided wallpaper border fanatics out there need to listen up and listen hard because Your Mama is about to say something important. Those horrid wall paper borders, particularly those that depict sailing and beach scenes, are simply a bad joke that the wallpaper industry has perpetrated on hordes of unwitting consumers who don't have the good sense or design wherewithal to question what their local wall paper sales person tells them. Do not believe these monsters when they tell you wallpaper borders are cool, stylish, attractive, and worst of all, cute. Do not believe them. Ever. Do you hear Your Mama? Not ever. When was the last time any one saw a cheesy wallpaper border in a picture story of a gorgeous house in House and Garden, Dwell, or Architectural Digest magazines? When?

Phew! Oh Lawhd children, Your Mama has done exhausted ourselves on those damn wallpaper borders, so we do not have the appropriate energy to properly discuss the plethora of inexpensive Home Depot ceiling fans, the pot rack in the kitchen, the carpeted master bathroom, or the mirrored closet doors which have us just about ready to pull our eyes from their sockets.

According to Miz Ryon at the LA Times, Miss Vicki and her huzband are selling this 4,200 square foot tri-level house with 5 bedrooms and 5 bathrooms so that they can move up to Newport Beach where there park their 70 foot racing yacht.

Vicki, hunny, Your Mama knows that you and Mister Schultz are a couple of substantial means. You do have a 70 foot racing yacht after all. When you move to your new home in Newport Beach, please do Your Mama, your family and your guests a huge favor and hire yourself a nice gay decorator to do up your new digs in a manner appropriate for a game show queen and television icon. Do not make another person suffer the design indignity of a wallpaper border. Ever. Seriously, please.

Your Mama is so upset and overwhelmed by the wallpaper borders that we are taking to bed now, so please children, do not disturb us for at least 12 hours because we've just swallowed a big Percocet and a small Xanax to calm our frazzled nerves and fried mind.

Your Mama...

...would like to thank all the children who tuned in and sent lovely comments and emails after our very, very brief appearance on VH1's "The Fabulous Life Presents..."

We are truly and genuinely touched by all the flattery and words of encouragement.

Your Mama loves all the children and we sincerely thank y'all for your support and for taking the time to read our little blog.

Now babies, do Your Mama a favor and click on the advertisement over in the right hand column.

Brian Bosworth's Big Villa in Malee-boo

SELLER: Brian Bosworth
LOCATION: Meadows Court, Malibu, CA
PRICE: $11,900,000
SIZE: 7 bedrooms, 10 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Spectacular Villa, with unparalleled views in the best area of Malibu. "Paradise Cove" the scale of this estate is matched only by it's views. Approx 11,000 sq ft of remarkable craftsmanship. Formal areas, family areas w/ expansive decks, guest house, 4 car garages, exquisite pool/spa w/ pool house, lush landscaping. One of a kind trophy property.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: All the children can probably imagine that Your Mama did not have a clue who this Brian Bosworth person is and why anyone might care that he's selling a big house in Malee-boo. A quick search on the internets told us he was a professional football player turned wannabe actor.

Not knowing a thing about football other than it gets played on a big grassy field with an oval ball and a lot of burly men in nearly see through tights, Your Mama got on the horn to our pal Fiona Trambeau out in San Francisco who relishes and delights in all things ball related. Fiona, with her infinite sports related wisdom, told us that "The Boz" was known for his flamboyant, controversial and combative ways. And a hideous trademark mullet hair-do. Then Fiona started to go on about steroid use, big contracts with the Seattle Seahawks, and a lackluster professional career, but Your Mama fell asleep from boredom while Fiona yammered on and on. So, unfortunately that's all we really know about Mister Bosworth's football career.

Whatever the boring details of Mister Bosworth's professional football career, it appears from the listing that Mister Bosworth has obtained his real estate license, because he's shown as the listing agent for this big "villa" up in Malee-boo overlooking Escondido Beach.

Located up a gated street of a small development of McMansions that we think is called Sycamore Meadows (anyone?), the house occupies 1.7 acres at the top of the cul de sac and features a long gated driveway and lovely views over the Pacific Ocean. Other than that, there's precious little Your Mama actually likes or finds particularly notable about this house.

Perhaps we're in the minority of folks here, but somebody please educate Your Mama on the demographic of people who can afford a $10,000,000+ house in Malee-boo who would want a big generic "villa" finished like an upscale tract house in Temecula? We're certain this house is large and well appointed with lots of bedrooms, bathrooms and an ocean view swimming pool, but in our very humble opinion, this just looks like a somewhat upscale builder's grade house.

The listings states the house measures approximately 11,000 square feet with 7 bedrooms and 10 bathrooms. However, property records on file with the assessor show a house measuring 8,854 square feet with 6 bedrooms and 8 bathrooms. Perhaps the larger numbers include the the guest quarters above the garage and the pool house?

Your Mama had a tough time sorting through the property records on this one, so we're unsure whether Mister Bosworth and his soon to be ex-wifey ever actually lived in this house. And frankly, we don't really care. All we really want to know is, who spends $10,000,000 to buy a house like this?

Gene Wilder in the Wilds of Bel Air

SELLER: Gene Wilder
LOCATION: Chalon Road, Bel Air, CA
PRICE: $2,750,000
SIZE: 2,756 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 4.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Extraordinary remodel opportunity: Sitting above the Bel Air Golf Course w/ beautiful vistas is this charming ranch house w/ the details and flair of Robert Byrd Design. Open floor plan, flex. use of space; pool, patio, grassy yard and guest cottage. Or build your Dream! Prime Location.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: We can't decide, does Gene Wilder's living room look more like the lounge of a "luxury" spa resort in Belarus, or the family room of an Appalachian millionaire?

According to property records, Mister Wilder, who is surely one of the funniest of the funny men who have ever been pushed out of his mama, purchased this property in 1976 for just $314,000, which was probably a hell of a lot of money back then. The 3 bedroom and 4.5 bathroom ranch style house is dated beyond all sense of style and taste, but children, the location is spectacular.

If the first rule of real estate is location, location, location, then this house should sell itself. Located on a bluff overlooking the western finger of the swanky Bel Air Country Club the property is admittedly not on the best part of Chalon Road. But in this neck of the Bel Air woods, that's just splitting hairs, isn't it?

Very recently put on the market for $2,750,000, we think this place is a STEAL. To be honest, we're surprised to even see this place hit the open market, because it would seem that one quick call from the listing agent to prodigious house flipper Sandy Gallin would have this place sold in a heart beat.

More than likely this property will be purchased by a developer looking to tear this place down and build a sprawling Mediterranean behemoth that pushes the edge of the property and includes an infinity edge pool hanging over the golf course. Which is all well and good if you like that sort of thing. If anyone were to ask Your Mama, and of course, no one will, we'd recommend a developer maintain the relative modesty of the house by updating and upgrading the current California ranch style.

As an aside...anyone who knows Your Mama at all, knows we love candy. All our young life we longed to meet Willy Wonka from the Chocolate Factory so he could guide us into the garden of sweet treats and chocolate rivers. We didn't even care that he was clearly crazy and not just a little pervy. It's truly a wonder we have teeth left in our head and it's prolly even more of a wonder we were never picked up by a crazy eyed stranger in a car offering us a candy bar. Because children, Your Mama was an easy target. At six years old, walking home from elementary school all on our lonesome, Your Mama would have done anything for a candy bar. An-ee-thing.

And P.S...

...Your Mama has nothing to do with the Mark David Real Estate company in New York City, so babies, leave those folks alone.

Today Is the Day...

...Your Mama makes our debut on National TV. We'll be seen as a talking head on VH1's "The Fabulous Life Presents..." at 9pm EST. Check your local listings.

Some of you just might be in for a little surprise.

Kimora Lee Simmons Goes Country in Beverly Hills

BUYER: Kimora Lee Simmons
LOCATION: Lime Orchard Road, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $5,900,000 (list price)
SIZE: 5,923 square feet, 7 bedrooms, 8 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Captivating country home remodeled with great attention to detail. This wonderful family home is located in guard gated celebrity enclave. Gated and very private this tennis court estate offers a large living room w/ f/p, formal dining room, gourmet kitchen w/top of the line appliances, opens to breakfast area, family/media room, 7 bedrms, 8.5 baths, distressed hardwd floors, beautiful bathrooms, large swimming pool, guest apt., sumptuous master suite. True country living at its best!

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: We figgered queen of conspicuous consumption Kimora Lee Simmons was searching for a bachelorette pad. Back in mid-May Your Mama discussed the Bird Street villa she had on the market for $5,800,000, which disappeared from the multiple listing service almost immediately after being put up. Your Mama hears through the grapevine that she sold the place, but we don't have any confirmation of that quite yet.

Whatever the case, what is clear from property records is that the six foot tall Afro-Asian mo-dell who recently added reality television star to her resume has already purchased a new Beverly Hills home for her and the kids. The listing states that this property represents "country living at it's best!" But the last we knew, Beverly Hills was not the country, and Kimora Lee Simmons is anything but a country hunny. Your Mama imagines this glamorous single mommy has already had a team of nice gay decorators up in there stripping the place of all the down home details and turning the place into a jewel encrusted home worthy of a very rich dee-vorcée and business entrepreneur who has a penchant for all things shiny, extravagant, and expensive.

While the house is far more modest than her glitzy house of horrors in New Jersey, the 5,923 square foot Tudor style house does have an impressive 7 bedrooms and 8 or 9 terlits, depending on who you ask. In addition to all the customary living, dining, family and media rooms, there is also a white on white guest apartment that will be perfect for housing the nannies and assistants. Which is a very good thing, because y'all know this bitch lives large and it surely takes a small army of live in staff to to keep her life running like a smoothly oiled machine.

Fortunately, the master suite is large and includes a vast bedroom with a fireplace, a lovely bathroom, and a decent sized dressing room/closet where Kimora can stash at least some of her famous and extensive shoe collection. If we were the wagering type, we'd bet a wad of cold hard cash that Miz Simmons incorporates at least one of the 7 bedrooms into the master suite so that she can have proper closet space for her clothing, handbags, shoes and jewelry.

Located in an exclusive enclave of guard gated homes high in the Hills of Beverly, Miz Simmons will not have to deal with the paparazzi standing in her driveway shouting her name and popping their flash bulbs. Nor will she have to deal with stoopid looky-loos who get in their cars and drive by the homes of the rich and famous hoping to catch them taking out the trash or stepping out of one of their tricked out whips. She will, however, have some glittery and eye-popping neighbors to invite over for backyard bbqs including Jessica Simpson, Guy Oseary, and Hollywood honchos Tom Freston and Andrew Vajna.

Despite the choice location, a swanky and well connected real estate professional that Your Mama is friendly with told us that Miz Simmons' new house is "crappy." We can't verify that because we've never been to the house, but that might explain why it sat on the market for almost a year and needed to be reduced from $6,950,000 to $5,900,000 before it was snatched up by Miz Simmons. Our information indicates a full price purchase at $5,900,000, but that can not be verified with public records at this time and we'll leave that to Mister Big Time to suss out and post about at a later date.

As far as Your Mama knows the ex-couple still have their horrific New Jersey mansion on the market at more than $20,000,000. But honestly kids, we are too busy to look this morning. But if you ask Your Mama, and of course no one did, that big House of Tacky will be on the market for a long, long time.

Listen Kimora hunny, when you get settled, you be sure to let Your Mama know when would be a good time to come on over and quietly stare at your new lover Djimon Hounsou. He may not have the mounds money of your ex huzband Russell has, but you traded up in the body department, didn't you?

Lance Bass and His Two Swimming Pools

OWNER: Lass Bass
LOCATION: Mulholland Drive, Beverly Hills, CA
SIZE: 3,811 square feet, 5 bedrooms 7 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: A long gated drive off Mulholland leads up to this beautiful "entertainer's" estate sitting high above Beverly Hills on 1+ acre with two guest houses and two pools. The elegant two story main house has an open floor plan with huge gourmet kitchen, 3 fireplaces, sexy master upstairs with leaded glass looking out to panoramic city and ocean views. two guest bedrooms downstairs include large en suite marble bathrooms with their own outside entrances. 3 patios for indoor/outdoor California living.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Not too long ago, the freshly out of the closet ex-boy bander Lance Bass sent out a text message to all his buddies and pals announcing that he was willing to rent his Beverly Hills (Post Office) house for six months while he was in New York where he is currently appearing on Broadway as Corny Collins in Hairspray.

So you know that Your Mamas little brain started to whirr, click and steam. Where? How much? We searched for information on Mister Bass's rental, and although we didn't find any listing information for renting the house, we did, thanks to the assistance of Lucy Spillerguts and our Fairy Godmother in Bev Hills, find the sales listing for the house which bug eyed Bass had on the market in 2006 for $5,250,000.

We're certainly not the first to report this, but just who do you think had the listing for the Mulholland Drive property? That's right kids, it was his ex-boyfriend and ex-reality television star Reichen Lehmkuhl, who in addition to having a real estate license, sells jewelry, takes acting lessons, dreams of being a soap stud, and generally tries to stay in the public eye.

According to property records, Mister Bass and his extremely and meticulously well groomed eyebrows purchased this quasi-colonial in October of 2003 for $3,880,000. Listing information and property records show the house sits on just over an acre of land and has just 3,811 square feet of interior space. We think the house looks much bigger in photos, but then again, so many mens' things look bigger in photos, don't they?

Nestled in a nook surrounded by the guard gated community "The Summit," the big white house is accessed up a gated, long, and curving brick paved driveway which snakes past the first of two swimming pools on the property and terminates in a massive brick paved motor court with a long view over the San Fernando Valley. The back of the house also features a lovely view and a second swimming pool. Lawhd children, imagine the number of scantily clad pool boys required to be on the property at all times to skim and chlorinate TWO swimming pools. It's just a good thing there are two guest units to house the necessary number of staff to maintain the pools.

Y'all know that Your Mama really tries to find at least a couple of nice things to say about the houses we discuss, but you're making it difficult for us Lance. Hunny, this is going to get ugly, but you should listen to Your Mama here, because we are sincerely trying to help you.

Your Mama hates to be a hater and we are well aware that everyone has their own sense of style and taste. But holy-moly mother of jeezis, this place is awful. Okay, the floors are really quite lovely. But that upsetting furniture in the living and dining rooms looks like it was chosen from behind door number two on the damn Price Is Right. Is that green bush under the library table in the living room even a real plant?

We can live with the fact that you actually want a houseful of traditional furniture...some do, after all. But Your Mama can not tolerate a young and well heeled homosexual who did not have the inner strenght and brain power and to hire a nice and talented gay decorator to hustle his stylish booty up to Mulholland Drive and do a seriously good traditional number on the interior of your home.

And do we even really need to discuss that deeply disturbing master bedroom suite? Yes baby, for your own good, we do.

About a hundred years ago Your Mama used to know a young man who was well known among his social circle for stringing and draping fabric all up and down his bedroom in order to create a romantic ambiance. But instead of looking romantic and sexy, it looked like the bedroom of a sad and lonely middle aged lady who spends her Saturday nights reading romance novels and drifts off to sleep spooning the cat with images of Fabio dancing shirtless across her mind. Do you get what we're saying Miss Bass?

We know you are out and about acting sexy, hanging with all the Hollywood homo hipster hotties, getting table service at LAX and Winston's and every other celebrity haunt around town. But dude, your bedroom is anything but hipster or sexy. You are not doing yourself any favors in your huzband search by bringing home shaved down wannabe Reichens to THAT bedroom. And then of course there is the bathroom. Hunny you are too young of a man to be living up in a house with a bathroom that only a lady like Robert Reed could love, may she rest in peace.

Your Mama has no idea if someone actually had the fortitude and nerve strength to actually rent this Broyhill Furniture showroom/Morroccan mash-up, but we do know that Mister Bass did not sell the house, despite a reduction in price to $5,200,000.

Lance doll, we know we were a little harsh here, but it's really for your own gay good. When you get home from New York, you call Your Mama so we can give you some assistance locating the names and numbers of a few nice gay decorators to help you overhaul your private quarters. In the meantime, break a leg Mary.

Sources: LA Curbed, Perez Hilton, Broadway.com

Your Mama Hears...

...that crooked real estate agents all up and down Sunset Boulevard are shaking in their John Lobbs and Jimmy Choos. According to Jimmy Jabbermouth, an LA based real estate executive who requested anonymity, a prominent Bev Hills mortgage broker was recently arrested, and the Feds, bless their law lovin' hearts, are hoping to engineer a plea bargain with the gentleman whereby he will lead the Fed's Horse to the rich waters of double dealing real estate agents throughout the Platinum triangle of Beverly Hills, Bel Air and the Holmby Hills.

Gawd knows Your Mama is not saying that ALL real estate agents are tawdry and scandalous creeps. In fact, we are of the perhaps naive mind that most real estate agents are in fact upstanding citizens just trying to make a decent living like everybody else in the good ol' U.S. of A.

But in a town crawling with with real estate agents eager to make the "big deal," one presumes that Joseph Babajian and Kyle Grasso are not the only ALLEGEDLY nefarious house hawkers in the City of Angels.

Tommy Tellall, a high profile real estate agent in Beverly Hills who naturally wishes to remain anonymous, tells us that he has also heard about the arrest of the mortgage broker and that, "The quick sand is in full effect," implying that this mortgage mess is about to get even more messy.

Get out the mops and buckets kids, because it looks like it's going to be a blood bath in Beverly Hills.

UPDATE: Paris Hilton Makes Another Million Bucks

Well kids, we've been hearing rumors for a couple of days, and today every Tom, Dick, Harry, and Sally has emailed Your Mama screaming that Paris Hilton has done sold her damn house in the hills of West Hollywood.

All reports say that the house sold for $4,250,000 after just 10 days on the market. I guess that answers a certain question about whether a celebrity owner can affect the value of a house.

As everyone who every turned on a television or opened a tabloid the last couple months knows, Paris is shacked up in a 2 bedroom ocean front house in Malee-boo and is on the hunt for a new house to call home that will provide the publicity hungry Hollywood hunny more privacy than her last house.

Miz Hilton paid $2,900,000 for the N. Kings Road house, and with the reported sale price of $4,250,000 she'll make over a million bucks on the sale of the house. Say what you will about the ex-con, but she knows how to make money. Now that's hot.

What we really want to know now is WHO bought the place? Could it be some crazed fan from Japan? Or maybe a budding starlet hoping to capitalize of the residue of Paris' fame? Or maybe Perez Hilton is taking some of his massive ad revenue and bought the house of his namesake? Hmm. Anyone knows, give Your Mama a holler.

(Your Mama would like to thank all the children who sent us links, tips and information.)

Photo: Pacific Coast News

The Big House of Joseph Babajian

SELLER: Joseph Babajian
LOCATION: Carla Ridge, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $6,985,000 (reduced from $6,995,000)
SIZE: 3,443 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 4.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Spectacular classic Contemporary in Prime Lower Trousdale completed in 2004. 180 degree head on views of City, ocean and gorgeous lush hills. 12 foot ceilings. State of the art technology. Terrazzo floors inside and out, slab marble and Honduran mahogany highlight the material used in this architectural masterpiece. Perfect for California lifestyle with seamless transitions between the interior and exterior. Done with architectural integrity with the finest quality and taste.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Your Mama does not know if indicted and beleaguered celebrity real estate agent Joe Babajian is selling his Trousdale Estates house to pay his soon to be exorbitant legal bills, or if he just thinks it's a good time to cash out on his investment. Or maybe he's concerned that now that he's out of a job, he won't be able to make the mortgage payments and pay the lawyers. Who can blame him? The Feds are already breathing steam down his neck, so the LAST thing he needs right now is a bitter bank up his butt looking for mortgage money. Whatever the case, it is an interesting, if not entirely surprising, time for the one-time top producing agent to unload his multi-million dollar Beverly Hills house.

Your Mama is no detective, attorney, or reporter, and we really can't even pretend to be, but because of all the recent bru-ha-ha surrounding Mister Babajian and his alleged bad behavior regarding real estate deals, we are going to try to reconstruct the chain of title for his property like someone who knows what they're doing.

It appears from property records that the house had been foreclosed on by Washington Mutual Bank in late 1998, and then purchased by an entity called Ronnex Corp. in early April of 1999 for $1,250,000 in cash. According to public records, in September of 2000, the allegedly shady dealing Mister Babajian paid $1,350,013 for the property. He took an adjustable rate mortgage and assumed title to the property in his own name. However, Mister Babajian does appear to use a P.O. Box in Henderson, Nevada on some property records, which Your Mama is quite certain is a creative, albeit legal, benefit to his taxes.

The house measures 2,872 square feet when Mister Babajian purchased the property. It appears that in 2002 he increased his mortgage by around $850,000, presumably to pay for the expansion and renovation that according to listing information was completed in 2004. The expansion brought the house to 3,443 according to property records. Listing information for the property clearly indicates that money was no object on the renovation and expensive features such as terrazzo floors that extend from the inside to the outside terraces, slab marble (that can be very, very expensive), and Honduran mahogany were used extensively throughout the property.

Personally, Your Mama thinks the inside of the house looks like the lobby area of a private investment bank in Chicago or maybe a fancy law firm in Atlanta. We're sorry, but it does not look comfortable at all. We are quite certain Mister Babajian paid top dollar for every stick of furniture and every scrap of buttery soft leather in that place, but Your Mama sincerely hopes there are other rooms with more comfortable and cozy furniture. Who wants to sit in the living room and feel like you're waiting for your attorney? Oh wait, hmm...

Your Mama is a fan of the low, sprawling and flat roofed houses up in Trousdale Estates, and we recognize that many of these properties exchange expansive outdoor space for staggering views. So we're good with the smallish courtyard feel of the back yard. And, we're good with the relatively small swimming pool. After all, Your Mama is not looking to swim laps in the back yard, just to take a slippery dip when the heat index goes up above 82, which of course it does frequently in Los Angeles. None the less, there's something rather sterile felling about the photos of this backyard. Does anyone every drag towels, magazines, books, and and iPhone out here and actually enjoy the view and the pool?

Your Mama hasn't a clue where Mister Babajian will go once he unloads this place. But given that's it's stratospherically priced at $6,995,000, he'll have several million clams left over after paying off the mortgage and the real estate fees to buy an inexpensive condo in Brentwood and the huge retainer fees for his attorney.

UPDATE (Nov. 27, 2007): This property has been reduced a smidge to $6,985,000.

Sources: LA Times, LA Daily News,

From Ozzy Osbourne to Christina Aguilera

Awesome celebrity real estate blogger Mister Big Time is on FIRE this week!! First he breaks the news about David Spade's $16,000,000 house in Malee-boo, and today he tells us that the rumors about preggers Christina Aguilera and her music mogul huzband Jordan Bratman purchasing the Doheny Road house of Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne are true. TRUE!

While we still think it's an unusual and surprising choice for the Bratman/Aguilera's, property records do confirm the sale. No word on the purchase price, but the house had been listed at $11,995,000.

Your Mama expects that in a month or two the couple's stunning Devlin Drive house will go on the market for a large sum of money. We also expect the couple will move from the Osbourne house to less public and illustrious digs in a year or two after they tire of all the tour buses parked out front and the Japanese tourists trying to climb over the wall. Just a hunch.

But Mister Big Time is not done breaking stories there. Oh no!

He ALSO tells all us celebrity real estate tongue waggers that the Osbournes have purchased a sprawling, 10,953 square foot house in suburban Hidden Hills that features 6 bedrooms and a staggering 10 bathrooms. The 2.35 acre property sits just around the corner from the 10,223 square foot house Brad Garret had on the market earlier this year, and the humongous 11,518 square foot house Matt LeBlanc had on the market in the Spring. Your Mama hears from a very reliable source that Mister LeBlanc's house, which was listed at $10,295,000, has been sold.

We find the Osbourne's choice of Hidden Hills a little surprising. We're not at all surprised they would choose a guard gated community or that they would buy another mammoth house. But in Hidden Hills? Really? Now children, do not send us a thousand emails about how Hidden Hills is a lovely community loaded with lots of famous people. We know. But the Osbournes? How are the horsey neighbors in Hidden Hills going to like a big crucifix gracing the front gates? Hmm. Does this mean they're settling down for a quiet life of semi retired celebrities who sit on the back patio sipping iced tea watching the grass grow?

Celebrity Agent Kevin Huvane Flips Out

SELLER: Kevin Huvane
LOCATION: Calle Vista Drive, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $15,950,000
SIZE: 1.44 acres, 7,100 square feet, 6 bedrooms, 7 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: The best estate property currently available in the city of Beverly hills with sweeping downtown to ocean views. Original 1930s manor house, untouched for many years. Lawn, N/S tennis court, incredible private drive and motor court, amazing privacy. Renovate the existing home or start from scratch on one of the most coveted streets in the world. Lot is approx. 1.4 acres.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: In Hollywood one need not be a celebrity to be filthy rich. Sometimes just managing the white hot careers of celebrities makes a person rich as the freaking Pope. Take for example Mister Kevin Huvane, the well known double talking mouthpiece of celebs like Jennifer Aniston, Sarah Jessica Parker, Meryl Streep, and Uma Thurman, to name just a few.

Mister Huvane, a master of sticking to the celebrity party line, purchased this house in December of 2003 for an undisclosed sum of money. However, Your Mama happens to know that the house had an asking price of $8,495,000, and when purchased had only been on the market for just a couple of weeks. And four years ago the Los Angeles real estate market was a full tilt feeding frenzy for anyone with a little cash in their pocket, so if we had to wager a bet, we'd put our money on Mister Huvane paying very, very close to the asking price.

From what Your Mama understands, Mister Huvane has never occupied this house nor has he made any improvements to the property during ownership. Certainly he has kept it tidy and retained a team of landscapers to mow the lawn and water the plants, but otherwise, the house is in need of a total rehab. One of Your Mama's sources says the property has great views, but the house is wreckage. And there is no swimming pool on the property which is a real shame on a house that costs nearly as much as some African countries' GNP.

We haven't a clue whether Mister Huvane intended to renovate this house for himself or if he simply wanted to park 8 or $9,000,000 and flip the house for a huge profit a few years later. What we do know is that he currently resides in a 4,853 square foot house on Oak Pass Road that he purchased from Hollywood icon Carrie Fisher for $900,000 back in 1994.

Even though the asking price appears to be excessively high for a fixer, consider the neighborhood. Vidal Sassoon lives up the street in a spectacular contemporary house, Miss Merv Griffin, may she rest in peace, is close by, and catty corner and adjacent is the new Crooz compound that TomKat purchased recently for $32,500,000. So figure if little Tommy Boy paid $32.5M for his freshly renovated house, then, this house is a relative bargain even if it needs five or eight million in renovations.

What Your Mama wants to know is why notorious high end house flipper Sandy Gallin hasn't already snapped this property up? Or is he waiting for Merv's house to hit the market now that Merv has met his maker?

Whatever the case, Your Mama expects someone with an eye for detail, or at least the money to pay for an eye for detail, will buy this house, raze the old girl and build a big Bev Hills behemoth fit for Hollywood or Middle Eastern royalty. But buyer beware, Tom Crooz is not going to tolerate workers banging hammers and ripping saws at all hours of the day or night. And nobody, we mean nobody needs that tiny torrent of anger coming at them all in a snit because his beauty rest has been interrupted by construction noise next door.

Dirty Little David Spade Cleans Up in Malibu

SELLER: David Spade
LOCATION: Pacific Coast Highway, Malibu, CA
PRICE: $16,000,000
SIZE: 3,763 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Truly amazing architectural house with app. 60 foot on sandy La Costa Beach. The exciting design and recent construction give unmatched privacy and a perfect blend of ocean, sand and conform. Amenities include a pool, spa, sauna, and art studio.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: We're gonna piggy on the back of Mister Big Time's scoop about bratty and sarcastic actor David Spade selling his ocean front house in Malee-boo with this discussion According the property records and Mister Big Time dirty little David Spade purchased this house in May of 2005 for $9,300,000.

And now he's put it on the market for a spectacular $16,000,000. Sixteen million! The listing does say the house has had "recent construction." But really, how much could Mister Spade have put in to this place in the last two years? One million? Two? Less? Either way he's surely going to walk with millions in his pocket from the sale in just 2.5 years of ownership. What does that tell you about the white hot Malee-boo real estate market?

If Your Mama has told the children once, we've told you a thousand times, that one of the many ways the rich get richer is buying and selling high end houses for outrageous profits.

According to the listing information, the house includes 4 bedrooms, 3. 5 bathrooms, a swimming pool in the front yard, sauna, art studio and 60 feet of bulkhead on La Costa Beach. The listing does not includes any photos of the interior and we could not locate any from other "sources," we presume that it's tastefully elegant.

While the railings at the back of the house make it look like it's surrounded by scaffolding and Mister Spade usually looks like he hasn't bathed in a few days, his sister in law is the very classy, very pulled together handbag designer Kate Spade. Miz Spade, who is married to David Spade's older brother Andy, has created an empire of sensible, clean lined, and updated waspy designs that now include paper things, baby things, sunglasses, shoes, and home accessory things. So possibly, hopefully, Miz Sister in Law gave him some help picking out candlesticks and cushions for the couches.

Property records and Mister Big Time both reveal that the snarky and dry witted actor's primary residence is a 5,848 square foot house on Wallace Ridge in the Trousdale Estates section of Beverly Hills which is just up the hill from Courtney Cox and David Arquette's in town house. Mister Spade's 3 bedroom house not only has a private drive court, swimming pool and a tennis court, but it also has 7 bathrooms, which is a lot terlits for a single guy.

Although Mister Spade is reported to have skin that's a wee bit sensitive to the sun, we expect he'll be buying another ocean front house in Malee-boo. Just a hunch.

Sources: Big Time Listings

Aimee Osbourne Buys Jessica Capshaw's Bird Street Nest

BUYER: Aimee Osbourne
SELLER: Jessica Capshaw
LOCATION: N. Dohney Drive, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $1,995,000 (list price)
SIZE: 2,038 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Chic Modern in the "Bird Streets." Very private and serene 3 + 3 w/ great indoor-outdoor flow to pool and BBQ area, idea for entertaining. Lush views through walls of glass from living and dining rooms. Eco-friendly finishes. Custom Walnut doors and built-ins throughout. Cooks kitchen w/ Miele, Sub Zero appliance. Generous Master with spa-like bathroom w/ steam shower and "Egg" bath. Outdoor gym. Long driveway off garage with ample parking.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: We're going to start the day with a lovely little house in the "Bird Streets" that was owned by one famous daughter and was very recently purchased by another famous daughter. Even though Miz Ruth Ryon, the duchess of celebrity real estate at the LA Times, did not reference Your Mama and our little blog when she discussed a couple of properties in her most recent column that we had discussed WEEKS earlier, Your Mama is going to take the high road and let everyone know that this story first broke in Miz Ryon's Hot Properties column this last weekend.

From Miz Ryon we learned that Jessica Capshaw, the actress daughter of actress Kate Capshaw and step-daughter of freakishly successful film director Steven Spielberg, sold her Bird Street aerie to Aimee Osbourne, the publicity shy eldest daughter of Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne. For all those not familiar with Los Angeles, the "Bird Streets" are located in West Hollywood just above the Sunset Strip. The location is very desirable for its easy access to all things Los Angeles, as well as the staggering views that many of the properties offer. The area gets it's name from all the streets being named after, well, birds.

If the younger Miss Capshaw had been so inclined, she could have easily taken the all too cliché celebrity scion route of strutting around the clubs, flashing her cooch for the paps, cat fighting with the other gurls, and making all the wannabe Hollywood heart throbs prostrate themselves in front of her by simply mentioning her step-daddy's impressive and awe-inspiring name.

But instead, Miss Capshaw, who at 31 years old is really too old to be a starlet anymore, took a slightly different route through the wilds of Starletland. This gurl actually got herself an education at lefty liberal Brown University, studied acting at the Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts in London, and has been honing her "craft" on television programs which include a long run on The Practice and a not so long run as a lady lover on The L Word. Say what you want about her acting chops, or lack thereof, but at least she can spell chops, which is heads above what too many of these dim witted starvelets are capable of doing.

Anyhoo, Back in mid-June, Your Mama discussed the modest and delicious little Huntley Drive cottage that Aimee Osbourne recently sold in the flats of West Hollywood for $1,450,000. Your Mama likes this Aimee gurl. Not only does she largely eschew the public eye, she's stood up to a starvelet or two, and most important of all, she's got excellent taste in homes.

Miz Osbourne, who according to public records sold her house in the flats for $1,450,000, is moving on up the hill from her previous cottage and into a new "modern" home which occupies a tiny and very private perch in the Bird Streets just behind the house that Queen of Bling Kimora Lee Simmons had on the market earlier this year for $5,800,000.

Seldom do we discuss properties that Your Mama would actually want to buy. But if we're being honest children, we are swooning over this place and holding our breath that Miz Osbourne will well this place off quickly so Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter can move to "The Birds." Not only is the modern confection located up a long, narrow and private road that keeps out the riff raff and the paps, the house is modestly sized (something we like tremendously), meticulously renovated, and has a spectacular oval swimming pool in the backyard which reminds Your Mama of our pleasant stays at The Parker in Palm Springs which also features a gorgeous oval swimming pool.

Your Mama loves a backyard swimming pool, and we do like having a little color on our skin, but really, Your Mama is much more the type to be sitting in the shade reading a tabloid or a tawdry novel. But his soothingly shaped swimming pool and sunny pool deck has us off in a wonderland dreaming of baking in the sun and becoming one of those classic bronzed and leather skinned tragedies you see wandering around Malee-boo and the South of France.

The large living room features dark and glamorously glossy floors that have been thoughtfully offset by the verdant view through floor to ceiling corner windows and a pale, and probably very expensive antique rug. The Noguchi coffee table and the Eames lounger and turned stool are classic mid century designs that not only does Your Mama love, we also own. Now children, Your Mama is well aware that doing a room up like mid-century modern museum is tired. It's beyond tired really. The Testy Tastemaker over at House & Garden might disagree with Your Mama here, but we think it's still possible to successfully incorporate a few choice mid-century pieces into a room. And in our book, Miss Capshaw and her nice gay decorator have cleverly and wisely exercised enough mid-century restraint that the room stops short of looking like a Design Within Reach showroom.

We already know that a lot of you people are going to write in and whine and complain about that striped wall of wood in the dining room. But we do not want to hear it. We love it. We love the texture, the movement, and the addition of a natural material into the space. And we like it even more considering the design is carried down the hallway where it can be seen though the doorway of Miss Capshaw's office.

Although Your Mama prefers a kitchen that allows for more social interplay with guests, we'll not toss this baby out with the bathwater. Small and very well appointed, we'd happily cook in solitary confinement in this kitchen until the food is ready and we can rejoin the guests in the dining and living rooms. However, because Your Mama likes bright and shiny things, we might consider changing that multi-colored earth tone back splash to something a little more vibrant colored like below.
We adore the multitude of covered porches that allow one to sit outside without needing to be slathered in a layer of smelly sun screen, but we do take issue with that outdoor gym set up. Certainly if you're one of the many buff bodied exercise nuts that pepper the landscape of Los Angeles, this may in fact be a nice set up. But in Your Mama's world that is a waste of square footage. We would much prefer a nice wide and soft chaise lounge on which we could lay around, make phone calls on the iPhone, and eat Popcicles while our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly soaked up the shade.

We have been told by our Fairy Godmother in Bel Air, that the driveway here can be a wee bit difficult to navigate, and in fact she was unable to steer her massive Mercedes around up here. But we don't care. Your Mama would gladly deal with the daily drama of getting our big BMW station wagon in and out of the carport in order to live in this house.

Aimee hunny, we know you don't like the publicity that swirls around the Hollywood scene, so Your Mama promises not to tell a soul if you invite us over to look at and drool over your new house. Give us a shout when you get settled doll. We'll bring the Veuve.

Sources: LA Times, Contact Music, Entertainment Weekly/Pop Watch

Matthew Bronfman's Booze Bought Behemoths

Yesterday Your Mama discussed the sprawling spread on Fifth Avenue that Seagram booze empire scion Edgar Bronfman Jr. is reported to be purchasing. Today we will chat about the real estate transactions of another Bronfman brother, this time Matthew.

First up the Upper East Side townhouse, and second up the legendary Fifth Avenue apartment the booze heir is reported to be purchasing.

SELLER: Matthew Bronfman
LOCATION: 7 East 67th Street, New York, NY
PRICE: $33,000,000 (sale price)
SIZE: 9,733 square feet, 6 bedrooms, 8 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: A 25 room mansion, with a superb limestone facade, set up on 6 levels plus a full basement, serviced by an elevator, and a sweeping staircase. Airy elegance throughout. The house consists of a baronial Living Room, FDR, 6 Brs, 8 Baths, a dramatic double height panelled library, 2 family rooms, a huge family kitchen, generous staff quarters. It features a glass enclosed 4 story atrium, a magical roof garden overgrown with ivy and climbing roses, a private terrace with outside fireplace, sophisticated and truly distinguished heating and A/C systems, soaring ceilings throughout, gracious moldings...

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: A couple of days ago Mister Max Abelson at the New York Observer, one of the high priests of celebrity real estate gossips, reported that Matthew Bronfman, younger brother to the more well known Edgar Jr., finally sold his East 67th Street townhouse for a hair raising $33,000,000. Starting in 2002, in the scandalous wake of his social butterfly wife Lisa Belzberg reportedly having an affair with Bill Clinton, the investment banker/real estate developer has had the townhouse on and off the market at several different prices. Bronfman reconciled with and then deevorced Belzberg before marrying another woman in 2005. We've heard Mister Bronfman is dee-vorced from this woman too. Phew!

Finally, after RAISING the asking price to $36,000,000, along comes another stinking rich banker who is reportedly snapping the place up for a record breaking $33,000,000. What makes the price record breaking you might ask? In the splitting hairs world of New York real estate, $33M is the highest price ever paid for a townhouse LESS than 26 feet wide. Whoopee!

Mister Abelson reports that the lucky and loaded Mister Bronfman paid just $3,000,000 for the property in 1994 having purchased the house from The Foundation for Depression & Manic Depression, Inc., which is an organization only someone like our Dr. Cooter could love.

Anyhoo, Mister Bronfman and his allegedly cuckolding wife spent many, MANY millions on renovations by a top notch New York firm who turned the six story townhouse into a huge and well organized machine for entertaining and impressing other socialites and Wall Street tycoons, not to mention raising and housing a startling number of children (7).

The floor plan shows a fairly typical program for the layout and flow of a big ass New York townhouse, with public spaces occupying much of the ground and first floors, private quarters for the family above, and naturally, dark and nearly windowless staff room rooms in the basement. Your Mama couldn't be more pleased to see an elevator servicing all six floors of the mansion. There is nothing more we'd like to do than slowly and gracefully glide DOWN that gorgeous elliptical staircase, but we'd have a coronary climbing back UP that spectacular feat of engineering.

On the ground floor, a grand entry reinforces to guests and the Chinese food delivery people that you have mounds of money. So much money in fact that you can comfortably have the audacity to place a horrid artwork above the fireplace that puts the bubbly backsides of a number of muscle queens right at eye level. If you're a visiting David Geffen you might appreciate it, if you're Barbara Walters come for dinner, not so much.

Up on the fifth floor a double height, very dignified, and fully panelled library has been fitted with a massive Palladian window and a pair of leather club chairs. Libraries are customary in the mansions and apartments of well to do New Yorkers all up and down the Upper East Side, but even Your Mama has to confess this library is swoon worthy. We don't care for 85% of the furniture, but the room itself is is truly magnificent.

Another feature we'd like to point out is the expansive roof terrace. The listing says it's a overgrown with ivy and climbing roses, which probably does look very pretty in an English sort of way. But if you ask Your Mama, and no one did, a garden spilling over with roses is not a good thing. Who needs their skin to be all poked and scratched while trying to sunbathe in the nood up on the roof?

Because it's what people with extreme amounts of money do, we expect the new owner, a Charles Murphy, will hire his own team of uber educated and hugely paid architects and decorators to do this place over from basement to roof terrace. Your Mama just hopes he has the good sense to leave the stair case, the elevator, and the marvelous library alone.

Sources: On the Inside, New York Observer

BUYER: Matthew Bronfman
SELLER: Estate of Anne Slater
LOCATION: 998 Fifth Avenue, New York, NY
PRICE: $17,700,000 (list price), $2,571 (monthly maintenance)
SIZE: 5 bedrooms, 7.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Live within the walls of this magnificent designed simplex with all the Standford White details intact. This 3-6 bedroom residence is light flooded and fabulous for large scale entertaining or intimate gatherings. The apartment offers remarkable views of the architecture of the Metropolitan Museum of Art. This is a one of a kind offering of New York's most gracious rooms in one of the city's most significant residential buildings.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: After a very long time sitting on the market, and despite heavy press coverage, someone has finally agreed to purchase New York fashion diva and society icon Anne Slater's legendary Fifth Avenue time capsule. According to a recent article in New York Magazine by S. Joanna Robledo that buyer is Matthew Bronfman, who is reported to be purchasing the sprawling apartment in the Italianate palazzo style building that is known as being one of the best buildings in New York City. Miz Robledo states in her article that Mister Bronfman is believed to be paying close to the $17,700,000 asking price.

Well known among the hoity-toity set for her cobalt blue tinted glasses and raucous after hours parties where guests played Ping-Pong, the old and still fabulous Miz Slater hosted all the East Coast blue bloods as well as a healthy and impressive contingent of Hollywood types like Ingrid Bergman, Grace Kelly, Fred Astaire, as well as the enormously and famously endowed Porfirio Rubirosa. The stately building was built in 1910 and originally housed exorbitantly rich rental tenants with names like Astor and Guggenheim. Old Miz Slater, also originally a rental tenant, moved in to the building in 1953, but shortly after moving in the building went co-op and she purchased her apartment where she's been ever since.

One enters the u-shaped simplex apartment through a long and glitzy gallery with a gorgeous honey combed ceiling, steel grey panelled walls, and a built in bar. We hope that Mr. Bronfman will at least consider keeping the entrance gallery bar because it's truly an inspired and fantastic idea. Because, let's face it, sometimes these Fifth Avenue bitches just need to come home and first thing grab a nice stiff cocktail to take the edge off of the stress and frustration from all the snotty sales gurls and bitchy shoe queens at Bergdorfs and Barney's.

We're not going to spend much time discussing the decor of Old Miz Slater's apartment. No babies, this monochromatic beige decor would not cut it in today's world, not with all the Diamond/Barattas and Miles Redds plying their colorful trade. However, when Sister Parish, or some other 1950s decorator du jour, conceived and executed this beige on beige fest it must have been terribly chic in that old fashioned upper crust upper east side sort of way.

From the photos, it appears the acres of buff colored carpeting, the buff colored walls, and the buff colored furniture have not been touched since Old Miz Slater had it done a thousand years ago. And in fact, an article in New York Magazine states that the apartment, while grand in scale, is as old fashioned as they come with the original fixturing in the bathrooms and kitchen, including a stove that dates from the teens. Guess Miz Slater didn't ask her staff to cook much the last fifty years or so.

What Your Mama really wants to know though, is where is Mister Matthew Bronfman going to put all his damn children? After living in 14,000 square feet of townhouse opulence, this place is going to seem downright closet like, particularly to a family of nine that surely includes full time staff. With just three principle bedrooms and four staff rooms, it's hard to imagine how Mr. Bronfman's team of architects and decorators are going to slice, dice and reconfigure Old Miz Slater's party palace into an apartment that will comfortably fit their Brady Bunch. A quick glance over the floor plan reveals that most of the Bronfman babies, at least those still living at home, will need to be housed back in the staff quarters behind the kitchen. Or at distant boarding schools. Or, are the Bronfmans hoping to buy the adjacent apartment and combine the two into one gargantuan Fifth Avenue aerie?

One note: the monthly maintenance on the huge apartment seems extremely low at just $2,571 per month. Could this be a misprint, or are the financials of this building so stellar that the maintenance is just a quarter of what one might expect in one of the finest full service buildings lining Fifth Avenue?

Just as Miz Slater lived among the richest people of her time, Mister Bronfman and family will also live among the world's richest people including billionaire Len Blavatnik and corporate raider Mark Rachesky.

Sources: New York Magazine, Streeteasy

The Apartment Booze Bought

BUYER: Edgar Bronfman Jr.
LOCATION: 1040 Fifth Avenue, New York, NY
PRICE: $19,500,000 (list), maintenance $8,614/month
SIZE: 5 bedrooms, 5.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Beautifully decorated family apartment in one of Rosario Candela's best building. Expansive views of Central Park, Fifth Avenue and the Metropolitan Museum. The apartment has large reception rooms including a living room with wood burning fireplace and a well appointed dining room, each with vie2s of the park. The library has a wood burning fireplace. There are five bedrooms, each with bath, a large kitchen with butler's pantry and laundry area, a staff room with bath and a playroom.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: The children have been shouting and ringing Your Mama's bell for more stories about New York City real estate deals. And of course we want the children to be happy, so your wish is our command. Edgar Bronfman Jr. is a scion of the Seagram's booze empire, which in effect no longer exists as a family run business having been purchased in 2000 by Pernod Ricard. In fact, it's Efer, as he's known in his intimate circles, that's responsible for diversifying the Seagram booze empire to include entertainment arms that at one time or another have included Polygram, Vivendi, Universal Pictures, and Warner Music.

Rumor has it that the scruffy faced and good looking twice dee-vorced father of six who also dabbles in producing films and Broadway theater, as well as songwriting, has finally found a buyer for his townhouse at 15 East 64th Street on the Upper East Side of Manhattan. Hang on to your hats children, because all the reports and rumors say the super rich tycoon is getting upwards of $50,000,000 for the 15,000 square foot mansion. Property records indicate our Mister Bronfman is cleaning up on this sale. Lucky bastard bought the house in 1994 for just $4,375,000. Not a bad return on his investment.

So now that he's sold the big fancy townhouse, he's got to find another place to sleep at night. And according S. Jhoanna Robledo in a recent article in New York Magazine it appears the sexy songwriter may have in fact found his next nest: 1040 Fifth Avenue. All you property freaks that follow the New York City real estate scene will recognize that very famous address as being the Rosario Candela designed building where Jackie-O long occupied a full floor unit on the 15th floor. After Miz Jackie Bouvier Kennedy Onasis met her maker in 1994, the apartment was bought and renovated by billionaire David Koch who has since moved on to a much larger duplex apartment at 740 Park Avenue.

Anyhoo, if Miz Robledo is to be believed, and she probably is, the sprawling apartment Mister Bronfman Jr. is reported to be buying occupies a high floor corner overlooking Central Park and the Temple of Dendur at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. Traditionally laid out with graciously proportioned rooms, the 11 room co-op features a private elevator landing, long and wide living and dining rooms, a cozy library (natch), 3 principle bedroom suites, plus a master suite at the rear of the unit that encompasses a large bedroom with fireplace, a dressing room, two walk in closets and two bathrooms. Additionally we find a large eat in kitchen, with commodious and enviable butler's pantry.

And of course, as we see in so many of the grand old apartments in New York, there is also an itty bitty staff room with bath at the back of the apartment. In this case, there's also a "playroom" back there, because heaven forbid the children actually play in the living room where the adults gather.

Somebody please tell Your Mama that all the filthy rich folks on the Upper East Side aren't still squeezing their staff into those cell like rooms. What would OSHA have to say about these cruel and unusual living conditions? Please. Listen up Richie Riches all up and down Park and Fifth Avenues, start buying nearby apartments to house your staff. It's really the only humane way to house your staff nowadays.

Your Mama would critique the decor, but really, what's the point? Mister Bronfman Jr. will surely rip the place apart and have his team of nice gay decorators overhaul the place into a sophisticated aerie commensurate with his position as a titan of the New York business world. Hopefully he will start with that drab and oddly configured kitchen. The dark floors are lovely, but do you notice the washer and dryer just hanging out there all exposed? Certainly this set up is acceptable in a trailer home, but not in a $20,000,000 apartment on 5th Avenue, one of the most famous and highest priced streets on the planet.

P.S. Y'all can ridicule and sass Your Mama all you like, but we are feeling that animal print carpeting in the library deep down in our soul. For some reason these animal print carpets are rubbing up on our happy spots lately.

Sources: Vertex Realty Group, New York Magazine, The City Review,

Suzanne Saperstein Rides Again...

SELLER: Suzanne Saperstein
PRICE: $75,000,000
LOCATION: Kuehner Drive, Simi Valley, CA
SIZE: 123 acres, 12,500 square feet (approx.)
DESCRIPTION: The finest world class equestrian estate on approx. 123 acres, built in 2004, just 40 mins from Beverly Hills! Beautiful Mission Revival style mansion (apporx. 12,500 sqft designed by Richard Robertson), 6 guest houses, 10 staff houses, substantial "hunter jumper" equestrian facilities...3 pvt water wells, water treatment & distribution system, 2 fuel storagee tanks (gas & diesel, 500 gal each). Public utilities & solar energy, as well as helipad.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Y'all know the hysterics we went through looking at the spectacle that is "Fleur De Lys," the Holmby Hills house that billionaire dee-vorcée Suzanne Saperstein has on the market for a staggering $125,000,000. Rumors have long been circulating that the middle aged, couture clad glamazon also wanted to sell "Hummingbird Nest Ranch," her 123 acre Simi Valley getaway. And just this morning we received an email from the Texas Tipster who pointed us to the listing for the sprawling equestrian complex which has hit the market at a whopping $75,000,000.

Your Mama was thoroughly scandalized and upset to the point of tears by the obscene and vulgar display of wealth we saw with the Holmby Hills mansion. The whole notion of building a grandiose and gargantuan house modeled after Versailles seems silly, tacky, and the very definition of nouveau riche. But because we like to give credit where credit is due, we confess to much more positive feelings about Miss Suzanne's Simi Valley manse than we do about the behemoth that is "Fleur De Lys."

Although the sprawling Spanish style house is tremendous by any one's standards, it's still a fraction of the size of "Fleur De Lys." The listing for the quasi-rural property states that the main house measures approximately 12,500 square feet. Other promotional materials we've seen for the property state the residence has approximately 17,000 square feet. We're not sure why that discrepancy, but given Miss Suzanne's well known penchant for excess square footage, we'd wager that the larger figure is more accurate.

Your Mama has not been able to locate information that states the number of bedrooms and bathrooms in the main house. We have heard through the grapevine there are 6 bedroom suites, but please, don't anybody quote Your Mama on that because it's just hearsay at this point. If anyone in the know would like to confirm for Your Mama, please feel free to give us a shout.

What is not hearsay is that the property includes half a dozen guest houses. Each of the guest units, individually decorated in Holiday Inn chic, include 3-4 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, living and dining rooms, full kitchens and laundry rooms. They are so well outfitted and at such a distance from the main house, that there's practically no need for Miss Suzanne to ever see guests unless they're summoned to the big house. To be honest, the guest houses look like ordinary Simi Valley tract houses on the outside. However, one of them, called "Sitting Bull" is a lovely brick residence from the 1920s. Perhaps this is where the more favored guests are housed?

In addition to the half dozen guest houses, the listing states there are ten staff houses. TEN! Which of course makes a certain amount of sense. It takes a lot of hands to run a private world class equestrian resort like this. But children, just imagine the massive payroll the Miss Suzanne is responsible for every month. No wonder she's selling this place. We would too. What single lady wants to be responsible for 10 live-in households? A lady can go through a big deevorce settlement right quick with those sorts of financial obligations.

Your Mama does not need to tell the children that we are repulsed by the garish decor and over blown architecture of "Fleur De Lys." But this house, we're feeling complimentary about. You can keep all the horsey riding rings and barns (we'd sooner ride the bus than a horse any day), and no, of course we would never choose rose colored velvet chairs for the dining room or any other room for that matter. But the architecture of the house itself is really quite lovely.

We expect to see this sort of classic Spanish architecture in Santa Barbara and Montecito, but it surprises us a bit in Simi Valley. But then again, what does Your Mama know? After all, we have never actually been to Simi Valley, and in fact the only reason we know anything about Simi Valley at all is because it is where the Republican powers that be built the Reagan Library. An odd location to be sure, but sufficiently out of the way so that Your Mama will never have to bear the mortification and indignity of laying eyeballs on the place.

The interior spaces have been meticulously designed to look as if the house has withstood the test of time, when in all actuality, it was built in 2004. While the decor is pretty much the antithesis of how Your Mama does up our own living spaces, we are grooving on those apricot colored couches in the living room. They're fussy. But they're also gorgeous and totally appropriate for this room. And unlike the antique furniture museum that is"Fleur De Lys," this actually looks like a room that one could curl up with a big bowl of frozen yogurt and read the tabs.

Your Mama has no interest in a wing back chair like is featured in the master bedroom, but we are mooning over how decadently comfortable this room looks. We would never consider a giant tufted ottoman for our own bedroom or lay out apricot colored chenille lap blankets at the foot of the bed. None the less, Miss Suzanne's team of nice gay decorators have done this room up gorgeously. And the vaulted ceiling is totally swoon worthy.

"Hummingbird Nest Ranch" is not just a home. It's also a business. Which in some ways explains the huge number of guest houses and the excessive equestrian facilities. Miss Suzanne rents the place out for weddings and other corporate functions, hosts charity events as well as equestrian shows and competitions. Ad if you're a horsey type in Simi Valley and really lucky, you can board your horse in one of the barns that hold dozens of purebred ponies.

We have heard a rumor, just a rumor kids, that Miss Suzanne is going to pack her G5 and decamp to a villa outside Paris or perhaps Luxembourg or Switzerland where taxes might be more favorable for the filthy rich deevorcée. But here's what we really want to know: If Miss Suzanne got the big house in the Holmby Hills and the sprawling ranch in Simi Valley, where is the Mister Saperstein living? Anyone?

Sources: The Sunday Independent

Mariah Carey Has Money to Burn on Hamptons Rental

RENTER: Mariah Carey
LOCATION: Further Lane, East Hampton, NY
PRICE: $350,000
SIZE: 5 bedrooms, 5.5 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Your Mama never got on the Mariah Carey fan train. It's not that she's often dressed like a tranny hooker, because we're down with that. It's the singing. Yes, the lady can sing. And, maybe, just maybe she's even a great singer. But alas, Your Mama is not a fan of the music she chooses to sing or the way she chooses to sing it. Our ears are simply not built to accommodate the incessant warbling up and down the scales and dragging out words into 47 different notes. And do not even get Your Mama started on those hair raising whistle stops. Oh lahwd hunnies, we hear those ear piercing screams on the car radio and we have to pull over so that we can catch our damn breath and take a nerve pill.

Anyhoo, today we learned from the NY Post's celebrity real estate gossip Braden Keil that the exceedingly successful singer with a fat bank account and a penchant for itty bitty bikinis is reportedly spending $350,000 to rent Tommy Hilfiger's ocean front estate in the Hamptons. For the month of August through Labor Day. You got to have some serious cash up your booty to be forking over that amount of dough for a one month rental. Mister Keil reports that Mister Hilfiger will be spending the month down in the Caribbean. Poor thing.

The 5 bedroom 5.5 bathroom house, which has been decorated with a distinct Balinese flair that so many of the rich and famous seem to like, is located on super swank Further Lane in East Hampton, just a few doors down from Jerry Seinfeld.

Your Mama discussed the Hamptons House of Hilfiger back in December of 2006 after he dropped in on the market for $24,500,000. Maybe Miss Mariah will like that place enough to plunk down a huge wad of cash to purchase the property at the end of her stay. Stranger things have happened.

Sources: NY Post, Go Fug Yourself, Egotastic

The Bohemian Beach Shacks of Peter Beard

SELLER: Peter Beard
LOCATION: Old Montauk Road, Montauk, NY
PRICE: $26,000,000
SIZE: 6 acres, 5 bedrooms, 5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Five (5) Cottages on 6 acres of oceanfront that includes 3 buildable lots. 150' from ocean allowable for building. Last house on the point offering spectacular water views and comes with stairs down to the ocean and beach.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Oh Lawhd children, you know the Hamptons real estate situation has reached a fever pitch and spun completely out of control when a six acre site with a cluster of five shacks in far flung Montauk goes on the market for a bank account busting $26,000,000.

The property, perched on a high, windswept bluff overlooking the Atlantic Ocean, is currently owned by railroad heir and acclaimed artist Peter Beard, who at one time was plugged into the highest echelon of New York's hard partying Studio 54 crowd, including very rich, arty farty, and bohemian types like Truman Capote, Lee Radziwill, and Bianca Jagger. And let's not forget the strange and bewigged Andy Warhol, who owned his own 5.6 acre Montauk compound of ocean front shacks, called "Eothen," that was recently sold in the 20 millions to the "Merchant Prince" Mickey Drexler, former Gap CEO and now the head dude at JCrew.

If you ask Your Mama, and of course no one did, this Peter Beard is one lucky bastard. Born into the sort of wealth that freed him from the burden of working for money, he has spent his well documented life roaming the African bush, taking pictures of wild animals, keeping his now famous diaries, and making collages that sell for large sums of money. He maintains a 40+ acre spread in Kenya called "Hog Ranch."

The five beach shacks on Beard's Montauk property are just that, beach shacks. All the domicile snobs out there will probably hate this cluster of buildings, which is really more of a village than a house. There are none of the Hamptons luxuries such as tennis court, a swimming pool, or air conditioning. But, there is a stair case to the beach. A long, loooong flight of stairs that will leave all but the healthiest individuals breathless and gasping for air.

There have always been rich people in the Hamptons with their gargantuan and gorgeous Stanford White "cottages." But there was also a time, not so long ago really, when the Hamptons wasn't just a playground for the rich and the wanna-marry-someone-rich. The finger of lng that juts out into the Atlantic has a long history of playing host to artists, writers, and lovably eccentric layabouts who regularly mingled and socialized with the moneyed and blue blooded crowd. And they still do, if they're a writer, artist or trust fund layabout with a fat bank account.

Let's face it, the only people who think the Hamptons is still a casual and relaxed seaside getaway for creative types are the Maserati driving millionaires who can easily afford a $5,000,000 weekend house and don't mind making reservations at Nick and Toni's weeks in advance.

Don't get Your Mama wrong. We love the Hamptons. But when the lobster salad at Loaves and Fishes in Sagaponack sells for $100 a pound, you just know the starving artist types have moved on to less rarefied and less expensive locales.

The listing states that the property is comprised of three separate lots. So you know what that means, right? Some developer with deep pockets is likely to come along, buy the property and build three huge, shingled "cottages" with all the technological gizmos which will be bought up by money managers and private equity millionaires. So goes the Hamptons.

Sources: New York Magazine, Newsday

Mischa Barton? Hoboken?

Do the children remember Mischa Barton?

She used to have a regular gig on a hit TV show, she dated that dirty singer Cisco Adler and his massive gonads, and for about 20 minutes she was considered a style icon. Poor thing, now she pedals Keds shoes. And according to New York Magazine she's living in Hoboken, New Jersey.

Who knew? Who cares?

UPDATE: As noted by readers, Miz Barton did indeed grow up in a loft on Reade Street in the Tribeca neighborhood of New York City. Records indicate the Senior Bartons still own the loft, but reportedly it has been leased to tenants. Which explains why she's in a RENTAL in New Jersey, rather than in the family digs in Tribeca.

And, as many have noted, the starlet did indeed buy a big house in Bev Hills a couple of years ago. Property records indicate the starlet paid $6,400,064 for her Mediterranean style house which is located on a gated section of Bowmont Drive and measures in at 7,607 square feet with 6 bedrooms and 10 bathrooms.

Matt Tarses' Quick Sell in Studio City

SELLER: Matt Tarses
LOCATION: Alta View Drive, Studio City, CA
PRICE: $3,150,000
SIZE: 4,148 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Up a long driveway, through high gates is this Beautiful Southern Traditional Estate with land, privacy, style and amazing, explosive city views. A grand living rm, dining rm, grmt kitchen and family rm all open through French doors to the gorgeous yard, lawn, pool and cabana. Up the imposing staircase is a marvelous Master Suuite, with spa-like bathroom and fireplace. 2 additional bedrooms, an attached Guest house and a 3 car garage complete this magnificent, stylish home in the Hollywood Hills.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: If you don't live in Hollywood, read the trade rags, or look at the credits that roll on the boob tube, you prolly don't know who this Matt Tarses person is. So let Your Mama give you a quick education. Not only is Matt Tarses related to Hollywood heavy hitters Jay Tarses (father) and Jamie Tarses (sister), he's forged a considerable and successful career for himself as a television writer and executive producer of shows like the now defunct Sports Night, and the wildly successful Scrubs, and a recent and ill-fated show called Teachers, that Your Mama has never heard of.

Although property records indicate that Mister Tarses and his Missus Kathleen continue to own a house they purchased in September of 2000 on Castilian Drive in the Outpost Estates section of Los Angeles, they purchased this mini Tara in Studio City in July of 2006 for 2,900,029. And already they're selling. Hmm.

Located on a very private, large and flat lot over looking the San Fernando Valley, the 3 bedroom 3.5 bathroom house house is accessed by a long private drive that is shared with only two other properties. This is a fantastic set up for a celeb...really...all you celeb readers who are in the market for a house, might want to consider this one. At the entrance to the drive court we find imposing and ugly electronic gates. Nobody appreciate security electronic gates more than Your Mama, and the nice thing about these gates is they're able to keep the prying eyes of your neighbors from seeing if you're car is parked in the driveway. The bad thing is that if you live here you gotta look at those things everyday.

The front of the house is graced by wide upper and lower terraces that are accessed by a series of French doors. Your Mama expects ladies in big velvet dresses to be sitting up there on the balcony fanning themselves and sipping sweet tea while they giggle and watch their men perform feats of strength on the front lawn. Here's the thing though, it's all just too plain to be attractive. A few potted plants would go a long way because something needs to be done to distract from the old fashioned, insubstantial, and not very attractive white wrought iron railings.

In the family room we see the same lovely dark floors that are featured in the rest of the downstairs and we're digging the French doors that wrap the room to create a pleasantly porous barrier between the inside and outside. And of course, everyone knows Your Mama appreciates a sisal rug. We'll probably get skewered for saying this, but we also love that fantastic blue couch. Big Love. It's refreshing to see someone use a seriously punched up color in a traditionally decorated house. The armchair by the fireplace, on the other hand, looks like something from Grandma's upscale nursing home. Your Mama knows that many people are vehemently opposed to the proliferation of flat screen televisions that hang above fireplaces. However, in the main, Your Mama is not. None the less, this one looks a little cramped and a wee bit too high for comfort. Your Mama is concerned that craning our neck to watch that television would result in daily visits to the chiropractor.

Your Mama had a very intense negative reaction upon first setting eyes on the kitchen with it's faux-Bahamian style slatted cabinetry. Then we looked again. And then we looked at the photos of the master bathroom. Upon further reflection and consideration, we decided, that while we would never do this in our own home(s), the designer has smartly paired the rich cherry colored woodwork with gorgeous white counter tops freeing the slatted motif from seeming too much of a sad Caribbean affectation. Additional props for not installing one of those farmhouse sinks that Your Mama has come to loathe. We are over those bits of kitchen trendiness. O.V.E.R. If you live in a farmhouse, they're fine, but we're going to puke if we have to see them up in any more rich people houses.

Because there's simply no ozone layer left (can you say Al Gore?), and the California sun can be absolutely blistering even if you're slathered in SPF50, we could not be more thrilled that the Tarseses have thoughtfully installed a large, pergola covered shady spot to lounge and eat out of doors. The swimming pool has an excellent view if you consider the San Fernando Valley and excellent view, but it appears the tile work could use a little gussying up.

Your Mama hasn't a clue whether the Tarses clan are headed back to Outpost Estates or if they've got their eye on something even bigger and more impressive. Or why they would sell this house only 1 year after purchasing the place. Whatever the reasons, Your Mama wishes them a happy home wherever it is they land.

Sources: Hollywood.com

Hang Tight Kids...

We're experiencing technical difficulties, but we expect to get it figured out shortly. Thanks for your patience.

A Model Home: Devon Aoki

SELLER: Gregory Alosio
BUYER: Devon Aoki
LOCATION: Benedict Canyon Road, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $1,899,000 (sale price)
SIZE: 1,751 square feet, 2 bedrooms, 1.5 bathrooms (main house)
DESCRIPTION: Behind iron gates lies a private tranquil oasis on 1.6 acres of lush verdant grounds with breath taking mountain, ridge & canyon views. A true Beverly Hills 40s traditional. This stylish yet comfortable residence has 3 bedrooms/2.5 baths, consisting of the main house (2 bed/1.5 bath) and a separate private guest house with 1bd/1ba and an additional office. Flooded with natural light, the main house features French doors that open out to a huge Beverly Hills Hotel style pool & cabana.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Listen babies, Your Mama has got so many irons in the fire this week that we barely know which way is up and we are running late, late, late. None the less we mustn't let the children linger another moment without any words from Your Mama about a celebrity hideaway. So today we are going to discuss itty bitty super model Devon Aoki and the itty bitty house located high in the Hills of Beverly that she purchased in January of 2007.

Let's see now, what should you know about Little Miss Devon Aoki? Born in New York, and bred in London and Los Angeles, she is the youngest daughter of the bizarre entrepreneur Rocky Aoki, who started the Benihana chain of restaurants. Even though she's only 5'4" (5'6" in some reports), which is usually considered far too short to work the catwalk, she began modeling at 14 years old. In addition to appearing in campaigns for Versace and Lancome, she usurped glamazon Naomi Campbell as the face of Chanel. She also appeared in several music videos for groups such as Duran Duran, Ludacris, and The Killers. And, of course, like so many pretty faces, she wants to be an ack-tress too.

In January of 2007, the Eurasian beauty, who once dated that dirty Lenny Kravitz person, paid the full listing price of $1,899,000 for this fully and recently remodeled 1940s ranch house. Children, keep in mind that the Hollywood glamarama decor is NOT that of Little Miss Aoki, but rather the former owner, Gregory Alosio, a well known music video director.

Starting at the unnecessarily and freakishly imposing drive gates...One would think that Elizabeth Taylor or some big queen with a pinky ring lives in a huge mansion behind a gate like that. But instead we find a modest and even ordinary 2 bedroom, 1.5 bathroom ranch house with a 1 bedroom and 1 bathroom guest house. While most rich people in Los Angeles might find this this house just too small and not impressive enough, this configuration is PERFECT for Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter. We love a guest house.

In the living room and we find a nicely proportioned room that has been opened up to the outside with a canyon view through a fantastic wall of French doors. We're not big fans of the all black and white Hollywood glamour decor, but there are a few nice items such as the Lucite coffee table and the pair of black chairs that we'd steal if given half a chance. We're curious why the floors were left brown rather than ebonized to a glossy black. While we prefer the brown personally, the shiny black would have been a better finish for the chosen decor.

Your Mama is a huge fan of Panton and Panton-esque light fixtures, but this particular chandelier doesn't work for us. First of all, we know for a fact, from first hand experience, that when those doors are open and the wind is blowing, that shit gets all tangled up and you have to spend hours on a stepping stool un-knotting and de-tangling the shell strands. And secondly it makes the room look too much like it's trying to be a nightclub, which is not a interior design scheme our old bones feel comfortable with when we're trying to spoon the dogs and watch the boob tube.

In the petite dining room we find more French doors and a picnic style table. Ya'll know by now how much Your Mama loves a picnic style table. We know a lot of you design divas out there think they're corny, but we're sticking to our design guns on this one. Even though the white furry rug looks good in the photograph, it's got to go. We do not need Hector the houseboy spending inordinate amounts of time pulling food out of the damn dining room carpet that was dropped there by sloppy dinner guests.

The master bedroom is the not so great culmination of the black and white Hollywood glam theme. We confess to a LOVE of the kooky zebra printed carpet. But otherwise it's seriously difficult to digest and it's all a little too glitzy. And the faux fur thing on the bed makes us very, very uncomfortable. The bathroom, covered in white marble looks elegant enough, but can you see that horrible pedestal with the glass bowl for a sink? Terrible, terrible, terrible. Bad decorator.

The back patio with it's pergola and angel wing curtains looks like a nice place to feel the canyon breezes caress your bare skin and take in the view. If you're sober. Children, this is not a place to bring your drinking buddies. Can't you just see poor Lindsay Lohan stumbling around in a bikini and high heels falling off that patio and rolling right into the pool?

Speaking of the pool, we do like the simple rectangular shape. But, unless this pool cabana that is mentioned in the listing has a terlit, and we are almost positive it does not, this set up is a sure bet your guests are either going to be squatting in the bushes or peeing in the pool.Your Mama would have done wet our bloomers by the time we climbed the many stairs from the pool deck to the house, where the closest indoor terlit is located. If Little Miss Devon Aoki has a brain cell in her pretty little head, she'll use some of her Chanel money to build a nice little pool house, one with a damn terlit.

We imagine that by now Little Miss Devon Aoki has settled in and given the house her stamp with a nice gay decorator of her own. Hunny when you're ready to let the world know what you did with the place, be sure to give Your Mama a call.

P.S. We err again, the purchase was first reported by Mister Big Time back in January...we apologize for not making the reference earlier.

Sources: NY Magazine, Internet Movie Data Base

Your Mama Hears...

...From several tipsters including Mister Cryptic, Tommy Tellall and our Fairy Godmother in Beverly Hills, that a few months ago, when Sexy and The Spice Gurl were first house hunting in Beverly Hills, they actually went to CONTRACT to purchase Madonna's Beverly Hills house which is located on a very private lot, flag lot on Sunset Boulevard.

But even before the ink was dry on the contracts, Her Madgesty backed out. Gasps, shock, the horror. A bitch fight of epic proportions ensued, lawsuits were threatened, friendships were severed, and the Beckham's real estate agent, who was referred to them by Her Madgesty herself, was (unfairly) canned by the immigrants for not being able hold the deal together.

Next thing you know, Sexy and The Spice Gurl are buying a $22,000,000 house from none other than Joe Babajian, one of the swanky Westside real estate agents that was indicted on fraud, conspiracy, and money laundering charges last week.

Now, of course, the couple is widely reported to be on another house hunt, this time they're hunting for a very pricey beach shack Malee-boo. Ack! Here we go again...

Joely Fisher On The Move

BUYER: Joely Fisher and Chris Duddy
LOCATION: Stansbury Avenue, Sherman Oaks, CA
PRICE: $3,500,000 (reported)
SIZE: 9,830 square feet, 7 bedrooms, 7.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Amazing new construction. 9,830 sqft + 3 Rm Det. GH on huge flat lot. 2-story foyer w/skylight. Hi-clngs, hwd/Saltillo tile flrs, iron lighting fixtures, authentic tile accents. LR w/fp. FDR. Family, Media Rm, Lib. Granite/stainless kit. Breakfast Rm. Wine Rm.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Some time back Your Mama discussed Joely Fisher and Chris Duddy's Indo-Asian freak out in Encino that the couple still have on the market for $4,295,000 (reduced from $4,750,000). This last weekend celebrity real estate doyenne Ruth Ryon at the LA Times announced that the couple have purchased a new house, this time a huge, newly built Mediterranean manse in Sherman Oaks. That report was followed up by a nice write up by Mister Big Time. Well sort of followed up. Seems Mister Big Time broke Miz Ryon's story online before it was actually available in print to all but Angelenos who are able to buy the Sunday paper on Saturday.

So anyhoo, we're following up the very rear on this one, but since we like Miz Joely and her behemoth breasts so much we figured we'd weigh in with a few thoughts.

We have some issues with the exterior. The front looks a little too much like an apartment building in downtown Santa Barbara, and we are absolutely hateful about its too close proximity to the street. Given that her last house was so impressively and wonderfully private, we actually find it sorta strange that Miz Fisher would even choose a house with this sort of street fronting.

At the back of the house we have what looks to be a big square generic McMansion with unattractive articulation and window placement. As for the swimming pool? Well it fits with the Santa Barbara apartment building motif. Also, please note, that in order to get a car out of the garage and onto the street, one has to back down the driveway right next to the swimming pool. One wrong move or minor distraction and you've backed the Mercedes into the pool.

As for the inside, well we do like the long dining room with the high beamed ceiling and the master bedroom looks like a cozy retreat. We also like the repetition of the green tile on the fireplace surrounds. But beyond that we're feeling rather blasé about the house.

The assessor lists the house at 7,807 square feet while the listing shows 9,830 square feet. We assume, rightly or wrongly, that the extra square footage is comprised of the large guest house at the back of the property. Inside the big house there are 7 bedrooms and 7.5 bathrooms which means it's just a good damn thing that there is also a three room staff suite, because with all that excessive square footage and 8 terlits, a live in maid is a requirement.

We expect that this house and grounds will soon be filled with statues of the Buddha and Vishnu and there will be a slew of brightly colored pillows covered in sari fabrics strewn all over the house. All the best to the Fisher/Duddy's in their new, strangely unremarkable home.

Sources: Big Time Listings, LA Times

Scandal Rocks the Los Angeles Celebrity Real Estate World

It's not always the celebrities in Hollywood that behave poorly or become mired in the pits of scandal. Oh no. Sometimes it's their real estate agents that get the glare of the spot light focused on them.

The LA Times reported last week on the indictment of two of the biggest agents in celebrity real estate. Joseph Babajian and Kyle Grasso, a pair of enormously successful and well known real estate agents with Prudential California Realty who had the listing for the $22,000,000 house that Sexy and The Spice Gurl purchased earlier this year, were both indicted on several charges of conspiracy, money laundering, bank fraud, and loan fraud. Oh dear, those are some serious damn charges.

In addition to the real estate agents, two appraisers were also indicted for bilking lenders out of $40,000,000+ in fraudulent loans. Naturally the attorneys for Babajian and Grasso, as well as the appraisers, say their clients are innocent.

Only time will tell if these allegations are true, but in the meantime can y'all hear the hushed whispers and hushed gossip all up and down Sunset Boulevard?

Read the article here.

Sources: LA Times

1,000,000

Your Mama is giddy and extremely pleased to tell all the children that today, Saturday August 4th, 2007, we have pushed beyond 1,000,000 page hits for the year to date. ONE MILLION!!! In just seven months we've had more than 1 million page hits. We are shocked, amazed, astounded and oh so thrilled.

We would like to thank all our regular readers, part time readers, and all those that came here just one time. We LOVE the cacophony of comments and the dialogue y'all carry on about the properties.

We'd also like to thank all the many, MANY other websites and blogs that link over to our little blog on a regular basis as well as all those that linked over just one time. There are too many to list in their entirety, so we'll list those at the top of our head: Curbed LA, A Socialite's Life, LAist, L.A. LAND (The LA Times blog), Luxist, Radar, Big Time Listings, Glitterati Gossip, The Rat and the Mouse, The Gilded Moose, SFist, Celebrity Cowboy, The World of Wonder, LA Observed, Breesay's Journal, Valleywag, and of course all the many celebrity fan sites and discussion groups. If we've missed you here, please let us know, we'll GLADLY add you to the list.

We'd like to thank the newspapers and publications that have mentioned, pointed to and featured our little blog in print as well as online: The New York Times, 7x7, The Telegraph, The Times UK, The New York Observer, the NY Post, and USA Today.

Let's not forget our one advertiser whose contract we appreciate immensely. May there be a few more in the future, because Your Mama has got a mortgage to pay.

Of course we'd be lost without our team of tipsters who include but are certainly not limited to our fairy godmother, the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny, Lucy Spillerguts, Mugsy Fairweather, the Yorkshire Bint, Tommy Tellall, and many, MANY more.

And let's not forget our bitches Linda and Beverly. Or the Dr. Cooter, from whom all good things spring forth and who makes all this possible.

And keep you're eyes peeled because we're soon going to be seen on VH1's The Fabulous Life Presents...

Here's to a couple million more!

THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. Seriously, THANK YOU.

Terrence Howard's Los Feliz Rental

RENTER: Terrance Howard
LOCATION: 3717 Amesbury Road, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $12,500 per month
SIZE: 2,800 square feet (approx.), 4 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Spectacular city-to-ocean views. Feels like a European villa with views. Take dinner by candle light on the private terrace. One of the best view homes in LA. Gated, secure with security system. 4 bedroom, 3 baths, separate guest house w/ private entrance. Perfect for celebrity & industry clients.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: What do Steven Soderbergh, Courtney Love, and Terrance Howard have in common? According to a very well placed source whom we'll call Cowboy Pete, they have all leased this disturbingly flesh colored house on Amesbury Road in Los Feliz at one time or another. Most recently it was the Academy Award nominated Mister Howard who lived here. Cowboy Pete tells Your Mama the actor paid $12,5000 per month to live up in this house for the first 6 months of 2007 while he was in Los Angeles filming some movie. Or more likely, the production company footed the bill.

Because Your Mama sometimes likes a little sordid in our story, we are pleased to report that Cowboy Pete delightedly told us that the house was trashed when the Pennsylvania-based Mister Howard moved out just a few days ago. Something about a dining room table being ruined, a broken juicer, and a jacuzzi pump all needing to be replaced. Even the wonderfully crazy and newly scary skinny Courtney Love, who we know deep in our cold and dark heart leaves her dirty panties and old food strewn about her house, did not do as much damage as Mister Howard and his retinue of people and children.

Our Fairy Godmother in Los Feliz was able to dig up a listing for the house which shows that the leasing agent is none other than strapping ex-actor turned real estate agent Curt Truman, who modestly bills himself as the "Agent To The Stars." But since Your Mama is no star, Mister Truman, who apparently lives next door to Hollywood scion Mariska Hargitay and has appeared on numerous daytime soap stories, did not return our calls for comment.

The property falls down a steep slope to the back giving the terraces at the back of the house long and gorgeous views, at least when the smog is at a minimum.

Since we have only been able to locate photos of the living room, we will have to limit our commentary on the decor to that room only which looks like unusual hybrid between boho chic and suburban Ohio. Have y'all ever heard the rule that once a lady gets dressed she should remove one item. Well, we'd like to have had that rule applied to this room. We think many, many items should be removed including just about everything on the coffee table (and replaced with gorgeous picture books on art), the orange and blue glass pieces on the mantel have to go, the flowers on the hearth are just ridiculous, the large mirror we would like to see replaced with either something very smooth and contemporary or over the top ornate with silver leafing.

Your Mama would replace the painting over the fireplace with something bluish, although we do like the abstract nature of the painting that's currently there. And the walls, which appear to be a pale lemon chiffon color could be replaced with a nice white or perhaps a soft taupe color.

Out with the tapestry...oh Jeezis Mary and Joseph, who are we kidding. Everything in this room needs to be taken out with yesterday's trash EXCEPT, the nice graphic print rugs, the fireplace grate, and maybe, just maybe the coffee table.

Now that Mister Howard has moved out, Your Mama wonders what celebrity will be moving into this house next.

Jeff Lewis is Flipping Out

SELLER: Jeff Lewis
LOCATION: 3427 Ben Lomond Place, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $1,349,000 (reduced from $1,525,000)
SIZE: 1,989 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Tastefully renovated 2-story character Span w/ 1920s charm. Great floor plan w/ 3 bds, 3 bths w/ Ann Sack tile, hdwd flrs, original stained glass windows. Step-down lvg rm w/ fp, beamed ceilings, built-in plasma tv, French drs. Formal dng rm w/ beamed ceilings. High-end kit w/ bkfst rm, honed granite counters, custom cabinets & Viking range. Outdoor space incl pool, fountain, new landscaping granting privacy. New systems incl central a/c & heat, plumbing, electrical seismic bolting & roof!

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: By now y'all know that Mister Jeff Lewis is the psychic loving and excessively neurotic house flipper with huge bee stung lips that is featured on the Bravo TV's new reality program Flipping Out. If Your Mama is being honest, we're a tad reluctant to discuss this property. Why? A couple of weeks ago we were approached by some of the PR people for the show who asked us to plug the show on our little blog. For free.

Naturally, we were pissed. Don't get us wrong. We love Bravo TV. Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter spend far too many hours sitting in front of the boob tube staring at Bravo's long line up of reality programs. We mention their bloody shows week after week after week on this blog, and then they have the nerve to ASK us to plug their new show for free. FOR FREE!

Well don't you now that we got ourselves all in a snit screaming to the neighbors and any stranger who would listen that if Bravo TV wanted to plug their show on this blog they should BUY some damn advertising. And we still think they should buy some advertising. But, despite our inner turmoil and ongoing seething, we got down off our high horse and decided to discuss one of the houses that was featured on the premiere episode of the program.

Mister Lewis, who is the poster boy for obsessive compulsive disorder, is a highly leveraged, stressed out and slightly delusional parody of a classic Los Angeles freako who consults psychics on business decisions, employs an "animal integrator," whatever that is, and sends his cat named Monkey to acupuncture. Despite treating his employees like children, Mister Lewis purchases their companionship through wages which may in fact be the only way that people will tolerate his sometimes bizarre and pedantic behavior.

And what a dysfunctional little family he and his employees are. How many people does it take to clean the cat box at Jeff Lewis' house? Five. One to put it on the "to do" list (Jeff), one to refuse to do it (Jenni, the dry witted and acronym loving first assistant), one whose list the task is NOT on (Zoila the housekeeper, even though that's the obvious person to do it), and two more male assistants to squabble over who is going to scoop the cat poop.

Mister Lewis purchased this house in June of 2006 for $975,000. Located in the flats of Los Feliz, the Spanish style house sits on the up slope of a very small lot that leaves little room for a yard. From the photos shown on the television program of the house pre-renovation, the house was a T.D. (total dump) when he bought it. Let's figure he put $200,000 into renovations (max) and another $50,00o in carrying costs, Mister Puffy Lips stands to make a couple hundred thousand clams even after he pays the real estate fees. This is a lot of money to make on a flip property until you consider how fast $200,000 goes when you have several other high end properties to carry costs for, and half a dozen employees who you pay to do everything but wipe your ass.

Your Mama appreciates that Mister Lewis does a much better job renovating, landscaping and decorating the properties than to do most house flippers. We commend that he uses finer materials (ie Ann Sacks tiles) and takes care of some of the big structural stuff (ie seismic bolting), But here's the thing. Even though we like the way the houses look, they are a bit generic feeling and each one feels just like all the others that he flips. Sort of like McDonalds or Starbucks, you always know exactly what you're going to be getting when you go to a fast food joint.

We don't mind so much the generic interiors, because really, that's easily changed with a red rug or a great painting from one of our artist friends. But Your Mama is concerned with that backyard pool. Nobody, and we mean nobody, appreciates a backyard swimming pool more than Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter. But this pool takes up just about the entire yard leaving only a small sliver of space for outdoor living and chaise lounges. Not too mention that the walk spaces around the pool are so narrow that only the sober and those with very, very good equilibrium are able to successfully navigate the area without tipping over into the pool.

The positive side of the swimming pool issue is that the new homeowner will save many thousands of dollars on their landscaping and gardening bills. Just a few potted plants to water back and the occasional trimming of the privets. But then again, how would one trim those privets behind the swimming pool? That shit looks like a landscaping lawsuit waiting to happen. We can see it now, "illegal immigrant drowns in pool while trimming privet hedges." Please.

Anyhoo, whether Bravo TV (wisely) decides to buy advertising on our little blog or not, we confess we'll be tuning in to watch the Flipping Out shenanigans every week. Because Your Mama loves a train wreck, and if you saw the show then you know it's just TGTM (too good to miss).

Your Mama Hears...

...The buyer for Courtney Cox and David Arquette's Malee-boo beach house is Frank and Jamie McCourt, who in case you did not know, bought the Los Angeles Dodgers in late 2003 for a whopping $430,000,000.

Recall that the Cox/Arquettes put their architecturally significant house on the market for $33,500,000 after they purchased another ocean front compound with more land and privacy.

Mister McCourt is from an old Boston family that has had a hand in just about every major real estate development around Boston, and the Missus is now the vice chairman and club president of the Dodgers.

The couple and their four children relocated from Boston shortly before buying the Dodgers and created a big hullabaloo among the real estate freaks of Los Angeles when they purchased two adjacent properties in the posh Holmby Hills for more than $27,000,000.

Source: USA Today, photograph from Pacific Coast News

Rachel Ray Heads to the Hamptons

BUYER: Rachel Ray
LOCATION: Tuckahoe Lane, Southampton, NY
PRICE: $2,900,000 (list)
SIZE: 2,800, square feet (approx.), 3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: The 3 bedroom / 3 bathroom main house has been stylishly updated throughout, with gracious doors opening out to a heated gunite pool surrounded by a bluestone patio with pergola. Guests can enjoy their own separate 2 bedroom / 2 bathroom bath house with its own kitchen and sauna. A third cottage with its own bath can be used for additional guests.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: The other day, celebrity real estate demigod Mister Braden Keil dropped an item into the Page Six gossip column of the New York Post which reported that 30 minute meal chef Rachel Ray has gone to contract to purchase a house in the Hamptons. Which was a really nice thing for Mister Keil to do, because let's face it, the lady could use some press of the good variety lately.

Poor Rachel Ray. She finally reaches the pinnacle of success and fame, gets her own show on the Food Network, and KABLAM! Some woman tells the freaking National Enquirer that Mister Rachel Ray, a dude named John Cusimano, has a few not so savory sexual fetishes that include being spat upon and having a woman's feet rubbed in his face while he's nekkid. Uh oh. And, the woman claims, Mister Rachel Ray has PAID her to perform the degrading acts since the year 2000. More Uh oh.

Well, just as Your Mama don't know nothing about birthing no babies, we don't have a clue if there is any truth to the rumors. But we can tell you these types of fetishes are far more common than most people would ever guess. About a hundred years ago Your Mama knew a slip of a man with a girl's face who got paid the big bucks to lock up a high powered Japanese businessman in a little wooden box the size of a children's toy chest. Every now and then our pal would walk by, kick the box, and scream mean and hateful things to the man in the box. And for that he got paid $500 clams. True story kids.

Anyhoo, the house Miz Ray is said to be purchasing sits on 6.2 acres of land wedged between a couple of golf courses in Southampton, which we hear is the new East Hampton because nobody wants to be dealing with the traffic and drama of getting in and out of East Hampton anymore.

The house has 3 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms as well as a 2 bedroom and 2 bathroom pool house / guest house. On top of that theres another building with a bath where the less favored guests can be stashed. This is obviously an excellent set up for keeping guests out of ones' hair early in the morning and late at night when you're wanting to be spitting on each other.

We're surprised to see a lady who makes a considerable living cooking buy a house with such a small and ordinary kitchen. Or maybe, that kitchen in the photo is the kitchen in the guest house? That would certainly make more sense.

We have to be honest kids, we find Miz Rachel Ray to be a real snooze. We know the world thinks she walks on water and is the best thing to hit the airwaves since Oprah Winfrey, but we don't get it. So for all you Rachel Ray fans, and there are so, so many of you, enjoy the photos and dream of lazing by the pool and having Miz Ray bring you some easy to whip up delectable.

Sources: NY Post, Tabloid Whore

Some Icing on the Fleur De Lys Cake

UPDATE: Happiness can be so fleeting children. The spectacular video has unfortunately been removed from YouTube. Thank your lucky stars if you saw it and if you didn't well, you missed something really great.

Over the last week or two Your Mama has been contacted by a lot of folks who all had something to say to about Fleur De Lys, the Bel Air mansion owned by larger than life dee-vorcée Suzanne Saperstein, who we're told by one insider "could spend a million bucks during a half hour lunch and still have room for dessert."

We received email from former employees of the Sapersteins. We received a few amateur photos of the interiors. And we even heard from one of the many decorators responsible for the over the top decor who told us Miz Saperstein's bed is an EXACT replica of Marie Antoinette's bed at Versailles. What?!

But our favorite email was from a gal whom we'll call Barbie Doll, who hooked us up with an amazing video of the LA Gay Mens Chorus camping it up on the grounds of Fleur De Lys. Barbie also told Your Mama that the big blond is none other than Miz Suzanne Saperstein's assistant who works it all out in her rainbow mini dress.

Words fail to describe our extreme delight at receiving this video, and Your Mama is not too embarrassed to tell you we peed a little from hysterics while watching it the first time through.

Enjoy the gorgeousness.

Noah Tepperman Buys Expensive West Village Apartment

BUYER: Noah Tepperman
SELLER: Peter Eisenman
LOCATION: 101 West 12th Street, New York, NY
PRICE: $3,200,000
SIZE: 2,000 square feet (approx.), 3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: This architecturally designed PALATIAL family home features spectacular panoramic views from every room and outdoor space. Photographed and featured in Interior Design magazine this home boasts 3 bedrooms and 3 full baths with Double Master Suites. The eat in chef's kitchen is fully equipped with top of the line stainless steel appliances. There are sound proofed hardwood floors throughout.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: It has been far too long since we piggy backed on one of Max Abelson's stories from his Manhattan Transfers column in the NY Observer. So today we are going to discuss the West Village apartment that club impresario Noah Tepperberg recently purchased from celebrated and controversial de-constructivist architect Peter Eisenman.

Eisenman is famous in the world of architecture in design even if he's not a household name among teenbots and celebrity freaks. While his structures attempt to liberate the form of buildings, he's been widely criticized for designing buildings that are not always easily used by their inhabitants. In fact one of his early clients, Suzanne Frank, was ultimately so dismayed by the house Eisenman designed for her and her husband that she wrote a rebuttal to the design in a book called Peter Eisenman's House IV: The Client's Response. Fascinating stuff if you like that sort of thing.

Mister Tepperberg, a Manhattan native, may not exactly qualify as a celebrity, but he rubs enough celebrity shoulder and kisses enough famous ass to merit discussion on our little blog about celebrity real estate. A one time nerd and chess champion, Tepperberg has parlayed his youthful exuberance and contacts into a multi million dollar night club business. At one point Tepperberg co-owned Conscience Point Inn, the one time hottest hot spot in all of the Hamptons where PR queen Lizzie Grubman plowed her Mercedes SUV into a crowd of people one night a few years back. Remember that kids? Good times.

Now, among other ventures, Tepperman owns Marquee, one of the most celebrity intensive nightclubs in all of Manhattan, which just happens to be down the street from where Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter have a 16th floor aeriee in a pre-war building that creeps and crawls with the rich and famous, including another celebrity heavy club owner Amy Sacco. One of our newest residents is none other than Mister Tim Gunn of Project Runway fame. Welcome to the neighborhood Mister Gunn. (P.S. One of our gurlfriends, the extremely naughty and often nekkid Falsetta Knockers is dying to toss you down, if you know what wear saying. So give us a shout if yer innerested in her 411.)

Anyhoo, everyone needs a place to live, even club owners who rarely sleep at night. And so Mister Tepperberg went a-house hunting. And according to the always in the know Max Abelson, as well as property records filed with the city of New York, Mister Tepperberg will soon call a post modern building at the northern edge of the West Village home.

The three bedroom apartment is modestly sized at approximately 2,000 square feet, but it has two features that make it worth the $3,200,000 Mister Tepperberg paid: Three bathrooms and private outdoor space. Do y'all know what a luxury it is for Manhattanites to be able to provide over night guests with a private pooper of their own? That is worth serious money people.

And of course the terrace, however small it may be, allows city dwellers the rare opportunity to grow tomatoes and herbs at home.

According to Mister Abelson, the apartment was NOT designed by Mister Eisenman, who states in Abelson's article that he does not design buildings or spaces for himself. Although the pictures on the listing were very, very slim, we see that for himself, Mister Eisenman prefers a refined, but not exactly challenging furniture arrangement. This is somewhat surprising, and possibly even hypocritical, given that in Miz Frank's house that we referred to earlier, he designed a gap in the floor of the bedroom that made it impossible for the Mister and Missus Frank to actually sleep in the same bed. Hmm.

Your Mama would like to wish Mister Tepperman a happy home. Just keep in mind that not all your neighbors will appreciate you dragging home a couple of coked up club cuties at 6am for a little early morning slap and tickle.

Sources: NY Observer, NY Magazine

Adrienne Vittadini Bids Cobb Road Adieu

SELLER: Adrienne Vittadini
LOCATION: Cobb Road West, Water Mill, NY
PRICE: $7,600,000
SIZE: 4,500 square feet (approx.), 5 bedrooms, 5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Designed by Adrienne Vittadini, this elegant souther Mediterranean-style home has 5 bedrooms, 5 en-suite bathrooms, a heated gunite pool, pool house, media room, office/den, country kitchen, and central a/c. 1.9 private acres with a beautiful back yard terrace and pergola overlooking a pond setting, creating a bucolic entertaining space. A separate limestone patio surrounds an over sized heated gunite pool with pool house and dining area. The interior space is light-filled and airy with high tray ceilings in all rooms and sliding French doors to the outside. Upstairs master has two decks and an over sized Jacuzzi with pond views. This is a unique and special property.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Unless you're over 50 or a Home Shopping Network fanatic, you may not recognize the name Adrienne Vittadini. But she's a fashion designer. Or was, at least before she sold her eponymous company. However, before cashing out, the Hungarian immigrant had tremendous success in the 1970s and 80s, even winning herself a prestigious Coty Award for her "sporty elegant" and "Euro-American" designs. Since selling her company, she has shifted gears, and like so many moneyed people with an eye for detail, she now buys, overhauls and sells properties through her company AV Casa.

Before we get to discussing Miz Vittadini's Hamptons house, which is currently on the market of $7,600,000, let Your Mama share with y'all a little bit of our family history. Once upon a time we had a grandmother, who on top of being very, very rich and excessively educated, was a diplomat for the International Red Cross. Peggy, who would not allow us to call her grandma, also had a penchant for smuggling drugs inside the diplomatic bag provided her by the Red Cross. Hunnies, that is no lie. Not only did Peggy have a chalet in Switzerland and a huge powder blue Mercedes, she also had a closet full of colorful Adrienne Vittadini suits to go with her Aigner handbags and Salvatore Ferragamo shoes. Oh, the memories.

Anyhoo, Miz Vittadini and her husband Gigi purchased this house in May of 1997 for just $1,470,000. Located near the exclusive, gated enclave of Fordune and just a few minutes ride in the Jaguar to Flying Point Beach, the property covers 1.9 acres that backs up the to head of a small pond. Your Mama can only hope that pond is treated for the skeeters, because if you've ever been to the Hamptons in August, you know the mosquitoes can ruin your day and cause you to spend half the night itching your arms and legs bloody.

Although the Southampton town assessor says the Vittidini house is 3,688 square feet, the listing for the property has it measuring approximately 4,500 square feet. We're not sure why the discrepancy, but it may be that the larger number includes the square footage of the pool house.

Possibly because the house is surrounded on two sides by pond water, the heated swimming pool for this property sits in what is technically the front yard. Guests to this property had better be in excellent health because the somewhat unusual pool placement requires guests to walk a huge and looong arc around the pool in order to get to the front door. If you're meant to be to cocktails at 5pm, you better be parked in the Vittadini's driveway and stepping out of your convertible Rolls Royce by 4:30 or your going to miss the first round of Cube Libres altogether.

Inside we find classic old school Hamptons decor. We love the white sofas and the sisal rug–we always like white sofas and sisal rugs–But the overall scheme here is a bit staid and conservative for our personal taste. We do however appreciate that Adrienne and Gigi have provided a good number of books and magazines throughout the living room. There is nothing worse than guesting in the Hamptons and not being able to pick up something to read when sitting around the living room and everyone has run out of things to say to each other. Now, ya'll know Your Mama is seldom at a loss for words, but it does happen children. And when it does, we thank our lucky stars when we are able to avoid an awkward silence by picking up People Magazine or a big coffee table picture book on Gustov Klimt.

Even though Your Mama is quite certain those high end appliances are not that old, the kitchen feels a little dated. There's nothing really wrong with this kitchen, but beyond the high tray ceiling, we find it all a little ordinary looking.

The second floor has been entirely given over to a Master bedroom, which means all the guest rooms are on the main level of the house. Apparently Miz Vittadini has given each guest suite a different color scheme. Which Your Mama thinks is a great idea. This sort of color scheming makes it easy for the hostess to tell guests in which room they'll be staying–darling, you're in the yellow room. Color coding the guest suites is also a fantastic idea because it makes it much, much simpler for guests to locate their suite after a long afternoon of gin and tonics on the patio. Nobody, and we mean nobody, likes to return from a rousing game of croquet, ready for a cat nap in their designated room, only to find Muffy passed out on the bed having drunkenly mistook their room for her room.

While the Vittadini's have long been regulars in the Hamptons, they also have a long history of residing in Sarasota, Florida. Over the years the couple have bought and sold many properties in Sarasota including the 6,618 square foot house located 1255 Westway Drive that the couple bought in April of 1999 for $1,223,000 and sold in November 2004 for $8,900,000, netting them many millions of dollars of profit even after the significant renovation costs. Additionally, like all good people who are "social," the couple maintain a New York apartment on swanky 5th Avenue.

Clearly, given what they paid for the house, when the Vittadini's get their Hampton's house sold they'll add many more millions to their pile of money. How many times has Your Mama told the children that one of the ways rich people get richer is by flipping high end real estate?

Sources: The Herald Tribune,