Your Mama Hears...

...That Courtney Cox and David Arquette are thisclose to selling their swoopy and curvy Lautner designed house on Carbon Beach in Malee-boo that they listed earlier this year for a staggering $33,500,000. So close in fact that they've gone to escrow according to our Fairy Godmother in Malee-boo.

Nic Cage Buys Another blah blah blah

BUYER: Nicholas Cage
LOCATION: Midford, Bath, Somerst, England
PRICE: 5,000,000 pounds (asking)
SIZE: BIG with 7 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: An exceptional and unique small Country Estate with a magnificent Grade I Listed 18th Century castle. 2 Cottages, pasure and woodlands in all 58,6 acres. 3 Reception Rooms, 7 bedrooms, extensive Lower ground Floor, Garages and Stores. 2 Cottages. Gothic Orangery and further traditional outbuildings. Chapel Ruins and former Priory. Parkland, Grassland and Woodland.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Nic Cage is another of those celebrities that is constantly buying and selling properties all over the world. At latest count he's got at least 14 properties in 5 countries including a big house on Copa de Oro Road in Bel Air, at least one house in Las Vegas, several properties around New Orleans, a home on Paradise Island in the Bahamas as well as an undeveloped 40+ acre island in the Bahamas, a dilapidated Bavarian Schloss, and he already owns a 4 floor Georgian townhouse in Bath (see below) he purchased last year for 1.2 pounds.

And now he's gone and bought Midford Castion, a Gothic pile three miles South of Bath that was built in 1775 in the shape of the ace of spades. The three story tower sits on a plinth and includes 7 bedrooms and only three bathrooms. Also on the 58 acre grounds are a chapel, a couple of cottages, the ruins of priory and an orangery, which is just a fancy word for a big greenhouse.

According to one report, the Elvis obsessed actor who lately has been sporting some pretty freaky and possibly fake hair intends to use the property as a family getaway from the "madness" of Hollywood. With 14 properties, how does one know whether you're coming, going, getting away, or heading back?

Below we also have a few snaps of the Georgian townhouse in Bath that Mister Cage and his much younger wifey purchased last year. Your Mama is going to refrain from commentary because the decor you see is NOT that of Mister and Missus Cage, but the previous owners.
The townhouse, located on a graceful and curving street called The Circus has nearly 9,000 square feet of space including an indoor swimming pool in the basement. We wonder if now that Cage is to be the lord of a castle, if he'll sell off this piece of his real estate empire.

Your Mama would like to thank Baroness Rebecca for sending us ALL the information we could ever have wanted about Mister Cage's real estate doings in Bath.

Sources: People, Glitterati Gossip, The Daily Mail, The Times (UK)

Your Mama Hears...

...That Slade Smiley, the spurned beau hunk ex-boyfriend of Jo on The Housewives of Orange County, has been to real estate school. Well good for him.

We received a call earlier today from Connie Crossyerheartandhopetadie, who giddily informed us that Mister Smiley, who either sold or went into foreclosure on his Coto de Caza house (depends on who you ask), is hanging his license at the venerable and well respected Hilton & Hyland real estate brokerage in Bev Hills.

As of today, Mister Smiley's name does not appear on the H&H website, but his name is indeed among the roster of licensed agents affiliated with H&H that is on file at the Department of State, the agency that oversees real estate licensing and licensees.

Good luck Slade. We hope you have more luck selling houses than you did convincing that brat of an ex-girlfriend to settle down and be a good little wifey.

Isaiah Washington Selling Out

SELLER: Isaiah Washington
LOCATION: N. Sycamore Avenue, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $1,695,000 (monthly maintenance: $1,072)
SIZE: 2,149 square feet, 4 bedrooms 3.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Stunning Modernist fusion w/ 1920s classic details. Rare SE corner overlooking pool & gardens. 28 ft. entry, dark herringbone wood flrs, high ceilings, detailed moldings, recessed lighting, chef's kit, lrge liv rm w/ frplce, recessed light, & built-in sound sys. Formal din rm, Master w/ walk-in closet, white marble bath. Double paned window. Pool, spa, gym. Gated garage. Only 4 units per floor with no common walls. This is a good one!

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: As the story goes, Isaiah Washington went and got himself fired from his plum role on Grey's Anatomy for making inflammatory and homophobic remarks. We don't know anything about whether the stories are true or not, but Your Mama confesses that the beleaguered actor has some good taste in interior appointments. However, before we get to his Hancock Park co-op, which he recently put on the market for $1,695,000, Your Mama has to get a few things off our chest.

Do we even need to tell y'all that this tall, dark and cool drink of water drives Your Mama direct to the nerve pills? This man, who will not shut his damn trap about his perceived injustice at the hands of the Grey's Anatomy bigwigs, has us so upset with his numerous rantings and ravings that we had to get loaded on the nerve pills just to discuss his apartment.

Lawhd children, the man has gone and already found another job on The Bionic Woman AND he's about to make nearly a million clams on the sale of his apartment and he still won't shut up. Isaiah hunny, we are trying to help you here, so you would do well to listen to Your Mama when we tell you that the more you whine and complain about how you was done wrong, the less anyone believes anything your ass has got to say. The details of the on-set dust up do not matter anymore. You got fired. Move on. Hollywood has a short memory, so do yourself a big favor and keep your big mouth shut and let the drama dissipate.

The married daddy of three small children purchased this apartment, located in a dee-luxe apartment building called the Faubourg St. Denis, back in September of 2000 for $738,000. Located on the third floor overlooking the complex swimming pool and common gardens, the 2,149 square foot apartment has 4 bedroom, 3.5 bathrooms, a separate dining room, gorgeous high ceilings, and stunning vintage moldings. But no terrace, which is a deal breaker for Your Mama. If there is no place for our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly to soak up the sun, then Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter can not even consider living there.

With only four apartments per floor that do not share any common walls, the building is well suited for celebs and other privacy seekers. Your Mama appreciates the long, looong entrance hall because there's nothing worse than a front door that opens directly into the living room. Oh no. That just makes it too easy for that snarky Chinese food delivery man to stand at your door and judge you because he can see that you are watching re-runs of Wife Swap and your dog is licking the carpet where you dropped egg foo young from last night's Chinese order in meal.

The delicious ebonized wood floors sweep us into the living room where we are greeted by a couple of Corbusier's LC2 black leather chairs. Hello. Your Mama knows that framed photographs help to make a house feel like a home, but in this case, the wonderfully carved mantle is not the place to showcase pictures of smiling babies with their grandparents. Also, we recommend getting rid of the baby grand piano unless someone in the house actually plays the thing. We adore that the Washingtons have left the casement windows essentially bare–we do note the floor to ceiling sheers behind the piano–and the red sofa is a shocking and titillating punch of color. And books, please notice the books on the coffee table! Also, could that be a wee Dan Flavin sculpture shining on the back wall?

Except for the tremendous plaster shields in the ceiling corners, the dining room has been pleasantly stripped of artifice. We appreciate the simple chocolate curtains which quietly frame the window and the over-scale artwork with it's black and white bulls eye motif unexpectedly reflects Mister Washington's stance as a racial target.

Once upon a time in another city in another state Your Mama had a teeny kitchen with a spectacular view and a black and white tiled floor. We loved the checkerboard floor back then, and while we've moved beyond wanting another one, we can still appreciate the bold and graphic pattern it creates. And in this particular apartment, we like the way it effectively and not so subtly stretches the black and white color scheme of the dining room artwork into the kitchen.

The den/television room has been given a slight 1970s vibe with the patchwork pattern on the cabinets and sliding doors. We like to imagine all that is butter soft leather sewn together into a modern tapestry, but more likely it's stain. Either way it looks great, but the leather would be out of this world, pee in our pants good. Again we would like the children to note the books. Say what you will about Mister Isaiah Washington, but the fact that he's got actual books up in his crib tells me he's more than just an angry man with a pretty face.

The Mister and Missus Washington have three small children and in the room with the royal blue carpet we see the private quarters of at least one of their progeny. We are surprised to admit that we actually like the deep blue rug. It works for us against the white walls and with the orange accents on the very expensive Netto Collection crib.

Once upon a time Your Mama was acquainted with the man who designs the very expensive baby furniture featured in this room, who back in the 1990s was an ambitious architecture student and trust fund kid who lived in a divey parlor floor apartment on St. Marks Street in New York's East Village, vacationed with Tatiana von Furstenberg, and quietly complained of not having enough money to keep up with his truly rich friends.

But we digress. We imagine that with three small children it's simply time for the Washington family to move to a proper house with room for the kiddies to splash in a pool and climb all over a very expensive and custom made backyard jungle gym.

Because Your Mama likes to give credit where it is deserved, we would also like the children to know that Mister Isaiah Washington has a production company called Coalhouse Productions which aims to "promote social integrity and change." Also Your Mama would like to tip our hat to the tri-named Billy Bob Blabbermouth for cluing us in to this property.

Sources: MSNBC, People, Entertainment Weekly, A Socialite's Life

Fleur De Lys Photographs of the Day (Part 8)

Today we conclude our tour of Fleur De Lys, the jaw dropping and shiver inducing Holmby Hills mansion that billionaire dee-vorcée Suzanne Saperstein dumped on to the market recently for a staggering $125,000,000. Built as a modern day Versaille, the grotesquely huge house measures more than 40,000 square feet of glitz and glamour.

We've circled around the exterior of Fleur De Lys including the swimming pool complex, and we've discussed some of the interior spaces including the Entrance Hall, the Silver Sitting Room, the Library and Rosegold Music Salon, the Formal Dining Room, Main Kitchen, the vaguely Medieval themed Wine Tasting Room, the funereal Screening Room, and the public room to end all public rooms, the Ballroom. Then we saw the family's Sitting Room as well as Miz Suzanne Sapersteins Boudoir and bathing facilities.

Because we can not tolerate discussing any more photos of rooms dripping in 24 carat gold gilding and filled with high Louie French antiques, today we offer three relatively serene photos of the exterior of the house and grounds. If you forget this is place is meant to be a private house, it's not so difficult to find a certain grandeur and beauty in the building's lovely symmetry or to appreciate the meticulously manicured lollipop trees ringing the vast lawn. But it is a house, a big, big house. And therein lies the problem.

Throughout our tour Your Mama has been astounded, astonished, aghast, and amazed, revolted, rattled, staggered and surprised, bewildered, dazzled and dazed, mortified, mystified and stupefied. We have been through the architectural wringer and around the block of conspicuous consumption. We have been to what we consider the the putrefying pits of interior design and we are left breathless and bleary eyed.

Obviously our opinion is merely that, our opinion. And maybe, just maybe, we're the fool. But y'all can call Your Mama a fool all day long if it's foolish to desire a house feel like a place to relax and take refuge from the high drama of our life. Seriously people, even those of you that genuinely appreciate the size, scale, and museum quality artifacts of this house must also know in your gut that this is not a warm, engaging, or inviting house. In our humble book Fleur De Lys is a flashy, trashy and and all too obvious shrine to personal wealth not to mention a desperate and ugly attempt to purchase class that leaves Your Mama feeling empty, hollowed out, and sad. Sad, sad, sad.

Rick Schroder's Itty Bitty Beach Shack

BUYER: Rick and Andrea Schroder
SELLER: Christopher Cortazzo
LOCATION: Las Flores Beach, Pacific Coast Highway, Malibu, CA
PRICE: $5,850,000 (sale price)
DESCRIPTION: Agent's personal new beach house on approximately 42 feet of beach frontage. Casual elegance & sophistication with 2 large ocean front decks, all new appliances, finest amenities. A must see!

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Every now and then Your Mama comes across a property that actually turns us green with envy. This teeny tiny beach shack in Malee-boo is exactly what Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter would want if we had nearly six million clams to spend on an ocean front getaway. We are definitely not in love with all the furnishings and decor–the crazy rattan bar stools can go–but we covet the close in location, modest size, and heavenly ocean side decks that stretch the inside out towards the roiling Pacific Ocean.

Y'all might remember this house from when it was featured on the Bravo TVs Million Dollar Listing last year. On the show, the young and handsome real estate whipper snapper Madison Hildebrand (who maintains his own blog) showed the house as a potential rental property to a corporate bigwig lady with a sky high budget and an obscenely expensive purse who was looking for a house to rent for the summer.

Also present at the showing was the homeowner, who happened to be young Madison's mentor and the undisputed king of Malee-boo real estate Christopher Cortazzo. If you've ever been withing 100 miles of the Malee-boo real estate world, you already know that Mister Cortazzo, a former model and animal lover, sells mind boggling numbers of Malee-boo mansions and multi-million dollar ocean front houses.

Mister Cortazzo purchased this wee beach hut as an investment back in April of 2004 for an undisclosed amount of money. We are quite certain this place was a shit hole before Mister Cortazzo worked his make over magic on the house. Your Mama recalls somewhere in the recesses of our failing memory that when Mister Cortazzo put the house back on the market, it actually had a much higher asking price initially. However, $5,995,000 is the list price we have on the listing we were able to access.

The corporate bigwig lady did not rent the house for the summer, but eventually, in February of 2007, the 1,250 square foot, 2 bedroom and 2 bathroom house was sold to none other than former child actor turned gun toting Republican Rick Schroder for $5,850,000.

Before Golden Globe winner Rick Schroder was baring his Republican ass on NYPD Blue, he was best known as Jon Voight's cute kid in The Champ, and then as the cute and spoiled rich kid on the sit-com Silver Spoons. As a young adult he forsook the Hollywood lifestyle, sold the house at 921 N. Roxbury Drive in Bev Hills where he lived as a teenager, and moved to a 15,000 acre ranch in Grand Junction, CO. There he became a cowboy, a conservative, and a member of the NRA. In 2000, the private but politically active actor spoke at the Republican National Convention on behalf of our dear and wise leader President George Bush.

We recall reading somewhere (our failing mind again) that Mister Schroder had listed his massive ranch in Colorado for sale, but property records indicate he still owns at least a good chunk of that property. Before moving back to California, property records indicate the Schroders bought and sold several properties in Scottsdale, Arizona, where they have maintained a home since at least 1997. In March of 2006, they sold a 6,867 square foot house located within the gates of the Country Club at DC Ranch for a whopping $3,800,000.

In March of 2005, the Schroder family relocated back to California when they paid $4,150,000 to purchase a 21 acre ranchette up in the hills of Topanga Canyon. At the time of purchase the Topanga property included a 4,629 square foot house and several outbuildings including horse stables and a riding ring. The Schroder ranchette is just a hop, skip, and a jump from the family's new beach shack, which is a good thing because the Schroder's have a whole mess of kids, and finding a place for them all to sleep at the two bedroom beach house could be troublesome.

Now, before we sign off and take our bitches Linda and Beverly our for their morning constitution, let's quickly discuss the merits of this house. Number one, the location. Your Mama likes the Las Flores location which provides quick and easy access to the West Side of LA without having to deal with the constant snarl of traffic further up the Pacific Coast Highway. And sure, we know Carbon Beach is way more exclusive, but Your Mama does not need to be sitting on the back deck trying to relax while the flash bulbs pop pop pop as the paparazzi take pictures of all those troubled starvelets like Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, preggers Nicole Richie, and the minuscule Olsen twins as they strut the sand in their teeny bikinis and provide the paps with nip slips as they frolic in the surf. No thanks.

Number two, the modest size. Contrary to trend, Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter actually prefer houses without excessive square footage. We do not want to encourage overnight guests by having 7 bedrooms fronting the ocean. Nor do we enjoy having a house so big that it requires a team of cleaning gurls be up in there 3 or 4 days a week. This itty bitty beach house is just big enough to easily host one or two favored guests at a time, say The Chicken or Flower and Grandma Bunny.

Number three, the heavenly decks. Living at the beach is all about being able to spend time immersed in the elements. We adore that Mister Cortazzo thought to put a hammock on the lower deck and we LOVE the double wide chaise. And of course everyone knows how much Your Mama loves a picnic table, particularly a big chunky one like Mister Cortazzo featured on the lower deck. On the upper deck Mister Cortazzo has taken a rather banal feature, the bench that spans and wraps the length of the deck, and elevated it to a spectacularly long and cushioned bench with dozens and dozens of pillows. Gorgeous.

What we want to know is where does Mister Schroder plan on hanging the gun rack?

P.S. Your Mama would like to publicly apologize to Mister Big Time for not referencing his posting on this property some months ago. Y'all know our mind is slipping and we did not check or remember. Sorry Mister Big Time, you know we like to give credit where credit is due, and you are due sir.

Sources: Inside Bu, Hollywood Grind, Drunk Hollywood, Internet Movie Data Base

More Sunday Reading

Head on over to Haute Living, the magazine for all things lavish and luxe, to read an article about a handful of the big, BIG players in the rarefied world of super high end real estate in Los Angeles. Hauge Living's list includes, but is not limited to, the inestimable Stephen Shapiro, Chris Cortazzo, who who has his hands on a mind bending number of high end Malee-boo deals, Jade Mills, a grande dame of swanky real estate, and the newcomer Drew Fenton.

There are a number of other high end agents that could have been included on this list too. Off the top off our frazzled and forgetful head: Joyce Rey, Irene-Dazzan Palmer, Kathy Villa, Valerie Fitzgerald, Kurt Rappaport, David Offer, Jeeb Naiman O'Reilly, Bennett Carr, Ron De Salvo, Joseph Babajian, Barry Sloane, Brett Lawyer, Maurico Umansky...who are we missing?

A Little Sunday Reading

This morning we're going to send you over to The Telegraph, a UK newspaper that recently featured an article about high end and celebrity real estate agents in Los Angeles. It's a fun walk through the lifestyles of the people who sell homes to the rich and famous.

And don't you know, the nice writer even mentioned our little blog in the article.

Fleur De Lys Photographs of the Day (Part 7)

For today's installment on Fleur De Lys, the sickeningly sumptuous Saperstein estate in Bel Air that was modeled after Versailles and is currently on the market for $125,000,000, we move out to the expansive 5 acre grounds, which are a filthy rich sport lovers delight. We have the heated swimming pool, a well equipped work out room, regulation sized tennis court, and a three-quarter mile jogging loop around the perimeter of the property.

Previously we discussed the interior spaces of Fleur De Lys, including the Entrance Hall, the Silver Sitting Room, the Library and Rosegold Music Salon, the Formal Dining Room, Main Kitchen, the vaguely Medieval themed Wine Tasting Room, the funereal Screening Room, and the public room to end all public rooms, the Ballroom. Then we saw the family's Sitting Room as well as Miz Suzanne Sapersteins Boudoir and bathing facilities.

Let's move across the hyper-landscaped rose gardens and into the Esther Williams extravaganza worthy swimming pool complex. The cement pond, at 70 feet in length, is plenty big enough to invite all the Bel Air gurls over for private water aerobics classes with a Speedo clad and smooth bodied instructor named Paolo. The 12 person spa is also an excellent place to relax with Paolo and the gurls after treading water for a few minutes.

The perfectly symmetrical, mausoleum like pool pavilion offers a two marble bathrooms for rinsing off the chlorine, as well as a large Pilate's studio/gym and a treatment room where family and friends can receive massages and "massages."

Fortunately for the staff, a full kitchen with a built in pizza oven has been provided in the swimming pool complex. Otherwise the staff would be forced to carry all the pizzas down from the main kitchen, which as you might have already assumed, is quite a distance. The covered al fresco dining area provides a respite from the hot Caleefornia sun and the fireplace will take the chill off during late night skinny dipping forays.

Tom Crooz Purchase Price Revealed...

...Today Mister Big Time gives us the definitive answer on the price Mister Tom Crooz paid for uber real estate agent Kurt Rappaport's recently renovated Beverly Hills house. Drum roll please....$30,500,000 million.

Your Mama had been told $32,500,000 million by a source close to the purchase, but Mister Big Time sourced the deed, so you know his poop is spot on. Bravo!

Is Johnny Depp Going Downtown?

The online gossip juggernaut TMZ is reporting that dirty boy Johnny Depp has paid $2,000,000 for a penthouse apartment at the newly converted Eastern Columbia Lofts in Downtown Los Angeles (lobby pictured above). Hmmm. Do we smell a publicity stunt?

The E.C. Lofts were developed by the Kor Group, which is headed by budding real estate and hotel magnate Brad Korzen who happens to be married to famed interior designer Kelly Wearstler, who recently incurred the wrath of the Los Angeles zoning boards for running her offices out of a residential property. Oops.

What's inneresting about this Johnny Depp thing is that he already owns a massive, exuberantly landscaped 2.54 acre estate in West Hollywood that includes a 7,430 square foot, 8 bedroom, 10 bathroom house. So why would he need a penthouse downtown?

Your Mama would like to thank Mister Smiley for sending us the TMZ linkage.

UPDATE: Looks like he did in fact buy a penthouse unit for $2,100,000.

Sources: TMZ, Curbed LA

Paris' Party Pad

SELLER: Paris Hilton
LOCATION: N. Kings Road, West Hollywood, CA
PRICE: $4,250,000
SIZE: 2,707 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: This is a very special celebrity owned home. The exterior is an old world Spanish designed in the 20's. The interior is designed in French Regency old Hollywood Glamour style. This home is perfect for entertaining. Great indoor outdoor flow make it perfect for California living. This home features 4 Bedrooms although one was converted to the ultimate closet. There is a separate guest quarters as well as a separate office. Speakers throughout. Please be prepared for a pre screening process.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Now that the Wall Street Journal has confirmed the deafening rumors that have been swirling about Paris "Pokey" Hilton putting her Hollywood Hills house on the market, a listing has finally been popped up onto the world wide web, and Your Mama has a few snaps for you here.

Although she may not be responsible for the paps collecting outside her home on a daily basis, we're quite certain Pokey's West Hollywood neighbors are popping open bottles of bubbly all up and down N. Kings Road now that she's put her party pad on the market for a hefty asking price of $4,250,000.

Remarkably, Your Mama has never been invited to one of the many parties at Pokey's house, so we can not verify whether the garage has indeed been turned into a large dressing closet or if there's really a stripper pole in the lounge, as we've been told by more than one of our readers.

Given that Aaron Kamin's house directly across the street is on the market for $2,099,000, the asking prices of Pokey's place might just be a wee bit optimistic. However, if anyone has a chance at selling their house for more than it's worth, it would be Pokey, the gurl with the Midas touch.

Vera Wang Swapping Park Avenue Apartments

SELLER: Vera Wang and Arthur Becker
LOCATION: 778 Park Avenue, New York, NY
PRICE: $35,000,000 (monthly maintenance / $10,717)
SIZE: 6,000 square feet (approx.), 6 bedrooms, 5.5 bathrooms (plus two staff bedrooms and 1 staff bathroom)
DESCRIPTION: (shortened from listing agent's website) ...The entire apartment reflects conservative elegance including the entry hall that was specifically designed to greet a visitor with a full sense of home. The design and scale of each of the rooms define luxury that is hard to equarl. The living room, dining room and library with wood burning fireplaces face Park Avenue. The corner master bedroom, with sitting room, features a bath with double sink, marble tub and shower. Each of the other four bedrooms has bath en suite. Presently configured with two staff bedrooms. The modern chef's kitchen has granite countertops, Gaggenau stainless steel stove, two Miele dishwashers and a U-line wine cooler...

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Last week the NY Post's impossibly well connected celebrity real estate columnist Braden Keil told the world about the recent real estate doings of stitch bitch Vera Wang, the famous fashionista who designs freakishly expensive wedding dresses for the rich, the famous, and all those merely well to do young ladies who want to appear rich and famous on their wedding day.

Honestly children, Your Mama thinks it's obscene that anyone, regardless of the size of their bank account, would spend well upwards of $10,000 on a big white dress that will be worn only one time. One time! People in this country go without food and health care while stinking rich Bridezillas walk down the aisle in dresses that cost almost as much as a Mazda? Please. But that's another gripe for another day.

Keil wrote that Miz Wang and her family were moving from their large, full floor apartment at super exclusive 778 Park Avenue, and into an even larger duplex at the even more exclusive 740 Park Avenue. However, Miz Wang did not have to jump through the normal financial hoops that are required in order for the average super rich buyer to pass the notoriously fussy board at 740 Park. Instead she sneaked in the back door, so to speak, having inherited her massive 10th and 11th floor duplex from her pharmaceutical tycoon father, who kicked it in September of 2006, may he rest in peace.

More information about 740 Park Avenue and it's roster of super rich residents can be found at the website author Michael Gross set up to work in tandem with his book, called 740 Park, that recounts the fascinating history of the building and walks readers through the who's who of the vastly wealthy and enormously powerful occupants.

Now, let's go back to the sprawling apartment at 778 Park Avenue that Miz Wang and her huzband Arthur Becker, an information technology company CEO, have recently placed on the market at the ear splitting price of $35,000,000. The third floor apartment occupies the entire floor of the building, which means that it might fetch even more money if it were located on a higher floor.

Gaining board approval in a super-luxe building like 778 Park Avenue is not easy. You can't just roll up to the front door in a Bentley and expect the board at 778 to rubber stamp your application. Oh no children, no one at 778 is going to be impressed by your Maybach, your collection of couture, or your entourage of Proenza Schouler clad assistants. Not only does the listing for Miz Wang's apartment state that no mortgages will be tolerated, many of the most exclusive buildings in New York require that potential buyers have 3-5 times the purchase price in liquid assets. LIQUID! Honestly, Your Mama is not sure exactly what 778 Park requires, but you can bet that you have to have FAR more than $35,000,000 in liquid assets just to think about viewing the apartment.

What does Your Mama think about this apartment you might ask? We think it's gorgeous. The layout is well considered and resolved with large, graciously proportioned public rooms and well separated bedrooms. Your Mama is not usually much of an aficionado of the "conservative elegance" school of interior design, but we would be stark raving mad not to recognize or acknowledge that this place has been exquisitely done by Miz Wang's talented team of gay decorators with an subtle and understated sophistication and splendor.

We are particularly impressed by the dining room with it's puse colored walls, an interesting and daring choice of color, and one we approve of and applaud. Your Mama shed a few tears of joy that Miz Wang and her decorators did not fill this room with a gargantuan table for 24 and a ridiculously elaborate and unnecessarily glitzy crystal chandelier. So while the room is enormous, a sense and scale of intimacy has been well achieved.

There are however three beefs we have with this apartment. Number one: the low ceilings. While we are quite certain the ceilings are higher than in most homes and apartments, but we would have appreciated another foot up there to give the rooms a slightly more grand feeling.

Number two: the funereal drapes in the main salon. We know this sort of elaborately draped window covering is customary in traditionally designed interiors, but we are not digging them at all. We would prefer to see a simpler sort of swag without an over-done valance.

And number three: Your Mama would not dream of paying upwards of $30,000,000 for an apartment with no outdoor space. For this amount of money we require at least a small terrace on which to store the Hibachi and read the newspaper. And yes, we do actually read the newspaper, thank you very much.

We would also like to note the staff suite. Of course Your Mama would sooner live in a cardboard box than have staff people living up in our house and knowing all our bizness, but we do appreciate the reasonably sized staff suite which includes a sitting room, something few rich people think to provide their live in staff.

At $35,000,000 there are precious few potential buyers for this apartment, but given the meticulous renovation and upkeep, we imagine this one will find a buyer more quickly than most $35,000,000 apartments.

Sources: NY Post, Michael Gross / 740 Park

Paris "Pokey" Hilton is Outta There...

The Wall Street Journal reported today that reformed party princess Paris "Pokey" Hilton, who was recently spotted canoodling and smoking pot with schkeevee musician Cisco Adler, has put her house on the market for a whopping $4,250,000. Miss Hilton purchased the house on N. Kings Road in West Hollywood (pictured above) in 2004 for a reported price of about $2,900,000, presumably with money she earned from The Simple Life.

The ex-convict is currently shacked up at a dee-luxe ocean front rental on Malibu Road in, well, in Malee-boo of course. In the Wall Street Journal report, Hilton's aunt and unofficial spokesperson talked about how Pokey wants to move to a gated community, or at least a house with a long driveway, that will provide her more privacy and security than her current house, which sits right up on the street.

The Kings Road house was built with four bedrooms, but the report says that one of the bedrooms was converted to a large walk in closet–natch–and a second bedroom was converted to a security control room. A security control room? What in the world is that? Is that a safe room, or is that a room with a lot of close circuit television monitors that allow Pokey to see all corners of her property?

After moving in she redecorated the place with all sorts of 1940s glamour and glitz that makes Your Mama a little nervous. Check out The Gilded Moose's architectural review of the property which includes some slick and disturbing photos.

Your Mama scoured the world wide web, but we've yet to locate a listing. We imagine the information and photos will be tightly held by her real estate broker uncle Mauricio Umansky who has listed the house for sale. So any of you real estate agents who get a hold of the listing and want to pass it along to Your Mama, bring it on children.

Source: Wall Street Journal, The Gilded Moose, US Magazine
Photo: Pacific Coast News

TomKat Buys ANOTHER House?

A recent report claims the vertically challenged uber-Scientologist Tom Cruise and his mousy mommy-wife, the one-time actress Katie Holmes, have purchased yet another home, this time in the super plush seaside town of Montecito, CA. Only they didn't actually buy a house, but rather a vacant and controversial piece of land where actor Rob Lowe and his wifey Sheryl hoped to build a mammoth mansion.

Your Mama has not been able to independently verify, but according to Celebrity Babylon, the couple paid the Lowes around $3,500,000 to purchase the 3-acre parcel on Picacho Lane. Apparently the Lowes, who were mired in controversy and negative local press because many in the community felt the planned house was out of scale for the posh neighborhood, managed to settle the disagreements and obtain the necessary permits, because the land has been cleared and prepared for building.

The Crooz clan will have plenty of high profile neighbors with whom they can freely frolic and hang at the polo grounds. Not only do Rob Lowe and the missus have a couple other houses in the area, neighbors include Ellen Degeneres and her lady lover Portia Di Rossi (recently on the market for $24,000,000), Carol Burnett, comedian Dennis Miller, the inestimable Julia Louis-Dreyfus, and of course the queen of the heap, Oprah Winfrey who famously paid $50,000,000 for her 40 acre, 23,000 square foot hous.

Sources: Celebrity Babylon, Montecito Journal, Planetizen

Fleur De Lys Photographs of the Day (Part 6)

Previously we discussed the public rooms of Fleur De Lys, including the Entrance Hall, the Silver Sitting Room, the Library and Rosegold Music Salon, the Formal Dining Room, Main Kitchen, the vaguely Medieval themed Wine Tasting Room, the funereal Screening Room, and the public room to end all public rooms, the Ballroom.

Today we go up the grand staircase to bring the children a few photographs of the private quarters of Miz Suzanne Saperstein, the owner of Fleur De Lys who has dumped her upsettingly large house on the market recently for $125,000,000, and who we have been told has a mouth like a Texas truck driver.

At the top we have the master bedroom, a room in which Your Mama could not even think of laying down to sleep without the aid of a blackout sleep mask, a high potency nerve pill, and a double dose of a powerful sleeping pill. With all due respect to the filthy rich and dee-vorced lady of this house, but Miz Saperstein, you can not really think that a gentleman suitor would want, or even be able to perform the dirty deed in a room this ornately female that includes several professionally posed photographs of your children flanking the bed.

At the lower right we see the lady's master bathroom, which has Your Mama constipated just looking at the photograph. Do we even need to discuss the back up and drama that would surely ensue if we needed to actually utilize the facilities in this bathroom?

Additionally, but not pictured, the master suite includes a sitting room with attached powder room, a kitchenette so that coffee and hot cross buns do not go cold en route from the main kitchen, a gentleman's bath and cabinet (dressing room), and of course, extensive closets for the lady, because you know, of course, that fashion mad Miz Suzanne Saperstein is one of largest consumers of high priced haute couture, a rarefied clothing world where an evening dress can easily top $50,000.

The lower left photo shows a sitting room, which we are told is a private family sitting room located on the main floor of the home. The glitzy and trashy 24 carat gold gilded moldings and accent motif has been continued here, but the overall design program here is decidedly more restrained than what we've seen in the public room. Finally, FINALLY!! we see some furniture that is actually meant to be sat upon. Please note the series of nude lady paintings on either side of the fireplace. We would find this bit of eccentricity interesting and whimsical, except somehow Your Mama is quite certain that not even a shred of irony was in play when these paintings were selected and hung.

UPDATE: Britney Spears

We know there is a lot of chatter and speculation about there that the famous and real estate fickle Britney Spears has purchased the Pacific Palisades house that was once owned by actor Ray Liotta (pictured above).

Well kids, Your Mama spoke with the rocket scientist listing agent for the house, and she kindly, sweetly, and thoughtfully informed Your Mama that there is "no deal" and the house is still 100% available. And you know what? We believe her.

Photo: PacificCoastNews.com

Ellen Degeneres: Property Maven

SELLER: Ellen Degeneres
LOCATION: Woodrow Wilson Drive, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $1,995,000
SIZE: 2,267 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Located on prestigious Woodrow Wilson Drive. The spacious, loft-life living/dining area features 20tf. ceilings, fireplace, sleek kitchen, hardwood floors & expansive windows that overlook the lush landscaping. Oversized sliding galss pocket doors open to a flat grassy yard. Master bedroom has a deck, walk-in closet & beatuiful bathroom opening onto another deck. There are 2 additional bedrooms, video security system & attached garage. Serenity & privacy yet minutes away from the Sunset Strip.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Before Ellen Degeneres bought up the properties that comprise her current Zorada Drive compound in the Hollywood Hills, she purchased another cluster of four houses that hugged the hills along Woodrow Wilson Drive and Woodstock Road above Laurel Canyon. She's unloaded two of those houses, including selling one of the properties, dubbed "The Treehouse," in June 2006 to Brokeback Mountain actor Heath Ledger and his blond, mousy wife Michelle Williams for $2,300,023.

Your Mama can barely keep up with the number of properties that residential real estate mogul currently owns, has on the market, recently purchased, or recently sold. With all the buying, selling, renovating, and decorating, it's a miracle the lesbian lady has the time to host her Emmy winning talk show.

Purchased in April of 2004 for an undisclosed sum of money, Miz Degeneres was said to have purchased this property–along with two others on Woodrow Wilson Drive–because it overlooked her primary residence on Woodstock Road. In the pre-Portia days, Your Mama remembers hearing grapevine gossip (gossip children, only gossip) that Miz Degeneres moved her ex-ladyfriend out of the Woodstock Road house and into one of the houses along Woodrow Wilson, possibly this one. Now, we have no idea if that's true or not, so don't go repeating that information as if it's the gospel.

Anyhoo, we see that this modestly sized house is every bit as well renovated and furnished as all the other Degeneres properties. Your Mama confesses: we are a sucker for a property that has been worked over by Miz Degeneres and her team of architects, designers, and gay interior decorators. We can't help but swoon over soaring ceilings, tall gallery white walls, a lovely art collection, and carefully chosen and sparsely placed furniture that successfully straddles the fine line between contemporary and warm.

The white box living room, with it's sky high ceiling, functions almost like a huge porch with a wall of windows on one side that overlooks the canyon, and a sliding wall of glass on the other that opens the house to a courtyard. The courtyard has been meticulously but simply landscaped to include an old-school cement dining patio and a small, well tended patch of grass. Your Mama would have preferred to see a wee plunge pool wedged into the courtyard, but alas.

In the dining area we find a picnic table which we're quite certain has some sort of pedigree that makes it cost $9,000 or some other large amount of money. It appears that the table top has been fitted with a delicious white Corian. Ya'll can skewer Your Mama for saying so, but we like the informality and social dynamic of a picnic table, and it warms the cockles of our cold heart to see a picnic table used so cleverly and effectively indoors. Miz Degeneres and her retinue of decorators put an identical picnic table in one of her houses on Zorada Drive, which we also raved over and then received an email box full of scoffs and guffaws about.

Into the kitchen and we find a small and immaculate cooking station that is appointed with butcher block counters, a small Viking range, and a gorgeous glass fronted SubZero refrigerator. We know many people do not like these fancy glass fronted cold boxes because they allow guests to see right into the cluttered shelves and notice the molding left overs that never got eaten. But Your Mama, an aficionado of well ordered and organized pantries and refrigerators, is not afraid. We spend far too much time standing in front of an open refrigerator and in our pantry removing price tags, turning all products face forward, grouping products by type, and tossing out anything that even looks remotely un-fresh. Call us crazy, but any one of you could walk into the pantry of Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter's beach house and find what you need with almost no effort.

Please note that in the study, a painting that looks suspiciously like a Picasso hangs overs the the settee that is covered in a stunning caramel colored buttery leather. That can't really be a Picasso, can it? Any art history lovers out there want to weigh in on this one?

The back of the house hangs over the canyon and several decks provide quiet spots re-enact scenes from Rapunzel and Romeo and Juliet, or just sit and listen to the whisper of the wind through the eucalyptus trees. Of course, Your Mama would have to wrap those decks in chicken wire to keep keep our 8 pound long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly from accidentally falling over the edges, but even still, we like these dangerous for dogs decks.

In addition to this property, the Miz Degeneres and DiRossi's have placed one of their Zorada Drive houses on the market for $2,300,000.

Your Mama Hears...

Yesterday we floated some tidbits about nutty Britney Spears and her recent real estate shenanigans. We still have been unable to obtain full confirmation that her Malee-boo house has sold, but our sources are saying it appears to be true. However, the house still appears "active" on the MLS, which is an indication that the rumors may in fact be just that, rumors.

Regarding her house hunt in Pacific Palisades, Your Mama can confirm that everyone is correct in that she looked at Ray Liotta's old house on Monte Hermoso in Pacific Palisades (pictured above). Twice. But, Your Mama hears from an unimpeachable source that Miz Spears has not moved forward with a the purchase and is "on to something else."

Good grief children, this famous and fickle gurl is going to drive us to sanitarium following her real estate ups and downs.

Photo: PacificCoastNews.com

Fleur De Lys Photographs of the Day (Part 5)

Today we feature two more of the public rooms of Fleur De Lys, the migraine inducing Los Angeles mansion that is owned by billionaire dee-vorcée Suzanne Saperstein. Located in the swanky Holmby Hills and measuring in at a staggering 35,000+ square feet of interior space, the Versailles inspired monstrosity is being offered for sale at the mend bending asking price of $125,000,000.

Although big ass screening rooms are de rigeur in the lavish and more expensive homes throughout Los Angles, we would bet our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly that few could so easily double as a funeral parlor the way the Saperstein screening room could. Even with the not so subtle funereal theme, Miz Suzanne Saperstein and her extreme team of decorators have continued the rose color theme which we have previously seen obsessively worked in the Entrance Hall, the Rosegold Music Salon and the Formal Dining Room. Please also note the scary little statuettes. Your Mama is deeply concerned that in a darkened theater a guest could trip and impale themselves on one of these pointed and dangerous figurines on their way to or from a mid-movie terlit dash.

The lower photo shows the massive ballroom, a feature no ridiculously opulent home would dare be without. In this mammoth space one can gather several hundred friends and colleagues for charity balls, poetry readings, and self-congratulation amid 24 carat gold gilded grandiosity and a ceiling mural worthy of one of the better casinos in Las Vegas.

Kathleen Turner Selling Hamptons House

SELLER: Kathleen Turner
LOCATION: Bluff Road, Amagansett, NY
PRICE: $6,995,000
SIZE: 5,000 square feet (approx.), 6 bedrooms, 5.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: (shortened) Historic Bluff Road resident built in 1903 complete with sweeping, unobstructed ocean vistas from every major room...This extraordinary home is a superb example of classic Hamptons living. 6 bedrooms and 5.5 bathrooms, 2 living rooms, den, formal dining room, sunroom, and eat-in kitchen with butler's pantry...Outside you can enjoy the lush, landscaped yard, heated gunite pool, hot tub, pool house and separate three-car garage.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Summer in the city means helicoptering to the Hamptons on steamy Friday afternoons to escape the sweltering urban heat and bask in soft ocean breezes. Of course, it also means running in to all your rich and fancy New York neighbors at obscenely expensive restaurants that require reservations weeks in advance. And ladies, do not forget to pack all your best Jimmy Choos, Tory Burch tunics, and for the gentlemen, a couple of pairs of ironic Lily Pulitzer whale printed pants and white linen shirts. Because if you look shitty, the people will whisper about how bad you look.

One of the few places to escape the near constant summer hubbub and extreme haughtiness of the Hamptons is Amagansett, home to one of Your Mama and the Dr. Cooters' favorite road side seafood shacks and the location of gravel voiced actress Kathleen Turner's Bluff Road weekend house. The good thing about Amagansett is that it's removed from the crush of traffic the Hamptons has become. The bad thing about Amagansett is that in order to get there you have to get through the wall to wall traffic that defines Bridgehampton and East Hampton from Memorial Day to Labor Day.

According to a brief and recent article in New York Magazine, Miz Turner's historic house was first put on the market in 2005 for $8,000,000. This was shortly after she split from her real estate magnate huzband Jay Weiss. Unfortunately for her pocketbook, no one took the plunge at that high price and the house was taken off the market. After a brief hiatus and a substantial price reduction, the house has recently been plopped back on the block at at $6,995,000.

The five bedroom house has 6.5 bathrooms which pretty much means a cleaning gurl must visit the property on a regular basis to scrub down all seven terlits in the house. And if you know anything about what rich Hamptonites complain about, finding good help to scrub the terlits and make the beds can be a real chore.

Miz Turner's house features a couple living rooms and a couple of fireplaces. Both are nice features. But probably the most enviable and valuable feature of the property is the 25+ acre preserve across the street. This scrubby dune-scape ensures the long ocean vistas from the house will not be cluttered and ruined by having to look at one of the 18,000 square foot summer houses that 30 year old hedge fund managers are building all up and down the Montauk Highway.

You Mama hasn't a clue why Miz Turner would want to sell her perfectly lovely, white walled and kick off your sandy shoes casual weekend house, but given that she's a busy Broadway actress lately plying her trade all over the U-nited States in the stage version of Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?, we imagine she hasn't got two minutes to spend in Amagansett this summer. Or maybe there's just too many marriage memories here that she doesn't want to live with anymore.

Sources: New York Magazine, NNDB, Softpedia,

Your Mama Hears...

...that peripatetic pop tart Britney Spears has finally unloaded her Malee-boo mansion. This house, located way up in the guard gated Serra Retreat and once the love nest of her and the FedEx, has been a huge Mediterranean style albatross around her desperate to be free neck.

Information is slim, but we first received a strange and vague email from an anonymous tipster this morning, then we got on the horn to one of our peeps in Malee-bee who says that it's being whispered about all up and down Pacific Coast Highway and the rumor is believed to be true. The property was originally priced at $13,500,000 and reduced over time to $11,999,000. We have zero information on who may have purchased or for how much.

One down, one to go.

We also hear that the pink bewigged and soon to be dee-vorced single mommy is once again shopping for a house to call home for her and the tater tots, this time in Pacific Palisades. More to come.

Fleur De Lys Photographs of the Day (Part 4)

In today's installment, we appeal to the gastronomes and gourmands of the world and present two of the several dining rooms of Fleur De Lys, as well as the main kitchen.

On the left we see that Miz Suzanne Saperstein and her army of decorators have continued the pervasive rose and gold color palette that we have previously seen so flagrantly and excessively used in the Entrance Hall and the Rosegold Music Salon. Your Mama is not sure if these photos were taken just before a dinner party, or if Miz Suzanne instructs her dining room staff to keep the table set at all times just in case 20 guests pop by for a formal meal. Serve from the left, clear from the right, please.

Moving on to the photograph at the right, with somewhat restrained decor and Medieval theme. We originally and mistakenly thought this might be the dining room were the household staff congregated to eat their porridge and gruel. But we have been informed this room is actually the wine tasting room. Please note the stair rail in the foreground. We have also been told that on occasion Miz Saperstein has hired minstrels to stand on the staircase and serenade the gathered oenophiles as they taste flights of Chateau Lafite Rothchild, Louis Latour, and Margaux vintages. Whatever. Your Mama thinks this room looks like an upscale Chucky Cheese Pizza Parlor

The bottom photo, which shows a portion of the all stainless steel main kitchen, is a room that we imagine the Sapersteins seldom visited. This is not a kitchen for the casual cook, or even a single cook. Oh no. We see multiple work stations, multiple commercial grade ranges, warming ovens, a deep fryer, a restaurant grade toaster, and against the back wall, a row of stainless kitchen sinks and dishwashers. And do the children notice that even in a $125,000,000 house that the damn microwave oven is sitting on the counter top just like it does in trailer and tract homes across America?

Keyshawn Johnson's Condo at The Californian

SELLER: Keyshawn Johnson
LOCATION: The Californian, 10800 Wilshire Boulevard, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $3,595,000
SIZE: 3,280 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Sophisticated newest building on Wilshire–The Californian. Stunning celebrity owned, 3 bedroom unit with head on southern exposure, panoramic city to ocean views. Highly upgraded, exciting & hip decor includes hardwood floors, custom closet doors, kitchen counters and cabinets, fireplace wall and much more. Great square footage, great flow, lots of light. Building has all amenities.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Lawhd children, we done wore ourselves out trying to get you the 411 on this apartment. For many, many weeks we have searched, begged, cajoled, and prostrated ourselves looking for ownership information on this apartment. It should have been easy. The listing states it's celebrity owned. But for the life of us we could not get anyone to cough up a name.

Then, finally, like glitter falling from the sky, we got an email from Tommy Tellall, one of our favorite tipsters in the high end world of Los Angeles real estate. So we all have Tommy to thank for floating us the owner's name, which is Keyshawn Johnson.

Well, as you might imagine, Your Mama didn't have a clue who this Keyshawn person is. Turns out he's a very famous footballer who at one time was the highest paid wide receiver in the NFL. In 2000, the dude signed a 6 year, $52,000,000 contract with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Serious money in sports kids, sear-ee-us money. Anyhoo, He must have been worth the big pay off because just a couple years later he went on to help the Buccaneers win the Super Bowl in 2002. In early 2007, as all you sports fans surely know, Mister Keyshawn officially retired, and apparently he's moved on to being some sort of an analyst on the ESPN, whatever that is.

Anywhoo, we're not here to discuss sports, but real estate, so let's set the oblong balls aside and move on to floors, walls, windows, and furniture. For those of you who do not know, The Californian is one of many luxury high rise apartment buildings that line Wilshire Boulevard in Westwood, just South of UCLA and West of the frou frou Little Holmby neighborhood. For those of you who don't already know, Little Holmby lays claim to two of the most famous houses in Los Angeles, the Playboy Mansion on Charing Cross Road and the obscenely large Spelling mansion on S. Mapleton Drive.

The Californian is one of the newest additions to the Westwood skyline, and the developer's did a most excellent job creating a strong and loud buzz on the building. However, if you ask Your Mama, and of course no one did, the exterior of the building is shockingly ordinary and looks like some sort of middle brow hotel or retirement tower in the northern section of Miami. But of course, the building's interior finishes and long list of services belies it's geriatric exterior and offers extensive and lavish amenities and white glove service.

Not so long ago there was a certain stigma attached to living in a condominium in Los Angeles. Rightly or wrongly, it indicated you were old or had fallen on hard times and could no longer afford the upkeep on the big Bev Hills or Bel Air estate. This negative association no longer exists and it's really quite chic to forgo the trouble and expense of a massive estate in exchange for a more practical, no fuss lifestyle. Just look at the popularity of the Sierra Towers, and of course, look at the sky high cost of the apartments in The Californian, which are not priced for anyone but the considerably wealthy.

Mister Keyshawn's unit occupies a corner of the seventh floor, and according to the listing has views from downtown all the way to the Ocean. hard to believe you can see all that from the seventh floor, but much of Los Angeles is FLAT so you don't have to be that high to be able to see that far.

The unit was clearly decorated by someone familiar with the Holly Hunt school of interior design, where we get clean modern lines that vaguely reference high design from the 1940s, sumptuous fabrics, and a mostly monochromatic color scheme.

Even though the color scheme here is mostly beige/buff, we happen to like this apartment. Ordinarily we are drawn to spaces that have interesting color choices, quirky personal items, and a considered but haphazard collection of furniture. But there is a soothing open feel to this condo that works on calming our too often frazzled nerves. Naturally we love the ebonized floors and think they look most excellent against the zebra wood wall/buffet in the dining area. We're not so keen on the frosted glass cabinet doors, but recognize the need for linen storage. Your Mama would have liked to see the zebra wood veneer continued on these sliding cabinet doors which would have create a more strict and unified facade.

The upgraded kitchen is good, and we L.O.V.E. the Carrara marble counter tops. What can not be seen in this photo is the wall of windows to the left which provide ample light and views. We do wonder if it would have been possible to move the sink over to the island so that when the maid was washing dishes she would be able to stare dreamily out at the view. Given that Your Mama has stacks of rocks all over our house at the beach, we can't help but appreciate the gray pebbles that bring a teeny tiny bit of nature into a totally unnatural location. It's a little cheesy, but we're giving them a pass because we like rocks. A lot.

We are also digging the floor to ceiling glass walls that extend the view and allow the small wrap terrace to become part of the visual living space. We are deeply grateful the decorator chose simple shade screens to block sunlight and provide privacy rather than clutter the glazing and view with acres of fabric.

We appreciate the effort of a room divider to help define space in an otherwise open, loft plan room. However, we are not digging this room divider at all. Honestly, it looks like something one could expect to see in an office building, not a private home. And we have no doubt that our mother in law Marilyn would run smack into that thing after a couple glasses of wine. So in the interest of safety, it would have to be hauled to the dump.

It was Your Mama's understanding that this unit was recently very close to being sold. We're not sure whether the buyer backed out or if Mister Keyshawn Johnson decided not to sell, but the unit has been officially taken off the market...although we suspect it is still quietly available. Anyone got the poop on that?

But that is no matter to anyone who might bee interested in buying a condominium at The Californian. There are currently many units on the market in the building, including the one next door ($3,550,000) to Mister Keyshwan Johnson's, and the unit directly above ($3,795,000). So if you like this place, call your agent quick to get you over to the Californian. And be sure your agent picks you up in her Rolls Royce, the only way to do real estate bizness in Los Angeles.

Fleur De Lys Photographs of the Day (Part 3)

Today Your Mama is pleased to bring the children two more photographs of Fleur De Lys, a tremendously huge and ridiculously palatial mansion located in the Holmby Hills of Los Angeles. Currently owned by dee-vorcée Suzanne Saperstein, the gargantuan property sits on the market with a stunning list price of $125,000,000. Because we are sincerely afraid of overwhelming the children with too much glitz and gilt, we are limiting our discussion to just two photographs per day. Previously we discussed the Rose and Gold Entrance Hall and the Silver Sitting Room.

On the left we see the music room, a space Your Mama has taken the liberty to name the Rosegold Music Salon. Please note the florid ceiling mural, which features angels blowing horns and strumming harps. Personally we find ceiling murals of pasty skinned angels playing instruments to be upsetting and nightmare inducing, but it we are not at all surprised to see them up on the ceiling of this house.

In the back right corner we see a piano, which we assume is antique and has never been touched by anyone in the Saperstein family. Opposite the piano we spy a harp, a gold harp, of course. Now kids, how often do you think this room gets used? Remember, this is modern day Los Angeles. Imagine the gasp inducing horror of the Suzan Hughes types of Bev Hills and Bel Air being invited over to Fleur de Lys for a baroque musical interlude with musicians flown in from Vienna? Uh, no.

In the photograph on the right, we see the Library with it's expensive and extravagant paneling. The two story room is surrounded in shelf after shelf of meticulously bound and matching book sets which all look very nice and very organized. However, we would bet our own mama that none of these books have never been cracked by any of the Sapersteins. This is not a library where one actually reads. Oh no. This is a library of first editions that is meant to impress the guests with the amount of money spent on books.

The more Your Mama thinks about it, the more we are saddened by the dee-vorce of Russell and Kimora Lee Simmons. Based on the extreme interior design of the New Jersey house they shared during their wedded bliss, which is currently on the market for nearly $24,000,000,
if those two have managed to stay married, this would have been the PERFECT West Coast retreat for them.

Sources: New York Social Diary, Internet Movie Data Base

Ricky Martin Selling Miami Mansion

SELLER: Ricky Martin
LOCATION: N. Bay Road, Miami Beach, FL
PRICE: $16,900,000
SIZE: 9,491 square feet, 7 bedrooms, 8 full and 2 half bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Mediterranean masterpiece with breathtaking open bay views from every room. 7 bedrooms, 8 full baths and 2 half baths. Living room, master bedroom and the master terrace all have fireplaces. Travertine marble throughout. Gourmet kitchen, fully wired media room. Solid mahogany doors, moldings and trim. Full bar, elevator, jacuzzi & pool.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Ayeee muchachas and muchachos, Miami is very expensive and Ricky Martin is very, very rich. Your Mama knows that ya'll have already read and heard about swivel hipped singer Ricky Martin putting his Miami Beach mansion on the market, but Your Mama is clearing out some of our back log of celebrity property information, so if you know all about this already, move one. Otherwise, welcome aboard.

Say what you will about Ricky Martin, his bubble booty, and bikini bathing suits, but the man knows how to flip the high end real estate at huge profits. Your Mama does not have the time or inclination to go back and recount every Miami mansion that metrosexual Mister Martin has occupied, so we'll arbitrarily begin in March 2001, when he paid $6,400,000 for a 7,082 square foot house at 5030 N. Bay Road that has 6 bedrooms and 6.5 bathrooms. Just four years later, the smooth bodied singer sold the place for $10,600,000, netting him a huge profit. And you just know that bigger is better in Mister Martin's pocketbook.

At the same time Señor Martin was selling 5030 N. Bay Road, he was purchasing a larger, 9,491 square foot house just a few doors up at 5130 N. Bay Road. In May of 2005, our Mister Martin paid $10,000,000 the the house he currently has on the market for $16,900,000. Which will net him a staggering $5,000,000+ profit in just two years if he gets anywhere near the asking price, which could be a wee bit difficult in a flailing South Florida real estate market.

The listing for the property does not show many photographs, so we're unable to discuss Mister Martin's interior decorating abilities. However, we do get a photo of the delicious swimming pool where it's not difficult for Your Mama to imagine several scantily clad Mister Martin look a-likes spread out around that pool sucking on Mai Tais and comparing tan lines.

We've read that Mister Martin has already purchased a new home in Miami and one of our South Florida peeps, whom we'll call Richie Rich, tells us that the Puerto Rican singer's new, palm encircled house occupies an ocean front parcel way up on Ocean Boulevard in Golden Beach. Property records indicate the house spans 9,882 square feet with 4 bedrooms and 6 bathrooms. Most reports say Mister Martin paid $17,500,000, but property records show a purchase price of $16,250,000.

Sources: Lust Hunt, Miami MetBlogs, A Socialite's Life

Scarlett Johansson, Bound for the Hollywood Hills

BUYER: Scarlett Johansson
LOCATION: Senalda Road, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: reportedly around $8,000,000
SIZE: 4, 352 square feet, 7 bedrooms, 7 bathrooms

We confess. Your Mama finds puffy lipped ack-tress Scarlett Johansson to be a real snooze. Yes, she's pretty and has large breasts, which we're quite sure makes her the fantasy of many and the envy of many more. But somehow, in her case, that's just not enough to hold our attention. So the last we remember hearing about this gurl, who everyone says has real acting chops, was that she was busting into a neighbor's apartment by drunken mistake, and that she was looking to buy a penthouse in New York because the neighbors in her building were getting irritated with her constant smoking.

Now we hear that The Girl With A Pearl Earring has purchased a house in the Hollywood Hills for around $8,000,000. Who knew the gurl had so much money? Your Mama heard this tidbit last week but was unable to confirm, and then US Magazine ran a short snippet on the purchase, so we know it's true, right?

Our sources tell us the house was never on the open market, so as of today we've yet to locate any photographs. But we can tell you that Miz ScarJo purchased the home in May from famed director Harold Becker, who has helmed such films as The Sea of Love, Taps, and The Onion Field. We can also tell you the property is in the Runyon Canyon area of Los Angeles, occupies the inside of a hair pin turn on Senalda Road, and is overlooked by the home of Desperate Housewife Felicity Huffman and her very talented huzband William H. Macy. According to property records, the Mediterranean style house spans over 4,352 square feet and has seven bedrooms and 7 bathrooms.

Presumably, given the large lots and heavy security of the homes in the area, it will be unlikely that Miz ScarJo will bust into a neighbor's houses after a late night at Les Deux, nor will her constant sucking on cancer sticks bother her new neighbors.

Sources: Hollywood Tuna, Actress Archives

Is Hulk Hogan Greedy?

SELLER: Terry Bollea a.k.a. Hulk Hogan
LOCATION: North Bay Road, Miami Beach, FL
PRICE: $18,900,000
SIZE: 17,339 square feet, 11 bedrooms, 11.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Cool modern simplicity. Fearlessly designed & flawlessly executed. This newly constructed residence dares to be elegant w/ an edge. Enjoy lrg scale living w/ lots of ligth, soaring ceilings, entire rms of flr to ceiling glass, 5 car garage, 6 BR. main house & 2 full gst apts., media room, indoor wall of water, dramatic floating entry over lrg scale water feature, cabana, pool, dock, immense roof top terr. & state of the art electronics & sec.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Somebody should probably tell Mister Hulk Hogan that the South Florida real estate market is in the hole, because the hugely muscled man with a 1970s porn mustache just dropped his house on the market for $18,900,000, which represents a dramatic mark-up from the $12,000,000 he paid for the house just over one year ago in April of 2006.

Is it even possible that this house would have increased more than $6,000,000 in just over one year? You decide.

Your Mama received an email from Mister Smiley tipping us off to the listing of this property, and we've subsequently read about it on Perez Hilton and Rajah. So before the world gets too inundated with news and information about the why and how much, we thought we'd weigh in with a short Saturday post.

The huge Miami Beach house was newly built when the Bolleas purchased the full acre property on fancified N. Bay Road which is and has been home to many big name celebrity types such as swivel hipped Ricky Martin, tennis hussy Anna Kournikova, and the brothers Gibb from the BeeGees, to name just a few.

The aggressively contemporary house, weighing in at over 17,000 square feet, consists of two buildings separated by a large courtyard. In the front building, the once nearest the street, we find two large guest apartments, presumably where the Bollea children were able able to get their groove on without having to deal with mom and dad.

The main house fronts the Intracoastal Waterway and features half a dozen bedrooms and bathrooms, walls of glass and a massive roof terrace with 360 degree views.

We've read that the reason the house is being sold is that the family originally bought the house so that Brooke could better pursue a career as a pop star. What? Well, after disappointing sales of her first album and a string of performances at malls across America, her Miami based record company chose not to renew her contract. So apparently Brooke and wifey/mama Linda have decamped to the West Coast in search of the golden ticket.

Which means this big damn house has only two occupants, Mister Bollea and the son, whatever his name is. Clearly a house this size is just too big for two quasi bachelors to maintain.

The family recently had their huge Tampa Bay estate on the market at $25,000,000, so only time will tell before we learn where the Bollea family will next be living. Your Mama guesses the entire family will relocate to Los Angeles. Which somehow seems like the right place for them.

Sources: Mister Smiley, Perez Hilton, Rajah, RADAR

Fleur De Lys Photographs of the Day (Part 2)

Today Your Mama is pleased to bring the children a couple more interior photographs of Fleur De Lys, the big ass Holmby Hills house owned by Suzanne Saperstein which ya'll know is on the market for the eye popping price $125,000,000. Yesterday we discussed the rose and gold colored entrance hall, and today we bring you the Silver Sitting Room.

Now, of course Your Mama does not have a clue if the Missus Saperstein actually calls this room the Silver Sitting Room, but if she does not, she should. We've got a huge silver toned carpet that we're quite sure cost more than a Mercedes. We've got Louis XIV style chairs and settees with silver fabric (or is this Louis XV?). Then of course we notice the long and elaborately swagged silver drapes which would not be out of place in a swanky funeral home in Moscow.

And because no silver room is truly complete without a hefty dose of gold, we see the Saperstein's team of interior decorators have continued the 24 carat gold gilding that we saw in the entrance hall. The effect is both soothing and electric all at the same time.

Also please note the carved friezes and the extremely elaborate ceiling mural of clouds. We are reminded here of the ceiling at the Forum Shops in Las Vegas (the mall attached to the Caesar's Palace hotel), where the cloud mural ceiling changes from day to night with the clever use of lighting. Some of the statues at the indoor mall also come to life for impromptu and frightening floor shows, which Your Mama thinks would be a perfect addition to this room.

Note the the children: We know this house, technically, occupies a large group of lots in the Holmby Hills. But the property has a Bel Air address and zip code. According to the tax assessor, there really isn't a legal place as the Holmby Hills, and most assuredly the Saperstein's massive tax bill shows a Bel Air address.

Danny Bonaduce's House of Bad Feng Shui

SELLERS: Danny and Gretchen Bonaduce
LOCATION: Cromwell Avenue, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $4,500,000
SIZE: 7,065 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 5.25 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Classic Spanish Andalusian Mansion built in 1926 by architect Harry Hayden Whiteley, restored to 2007 standards. Very private, gourmet kitchen, huge gardens, room for a pool, theatre...Views to ocean and mountains, gated at the street...2-story hand painted ceiling and arches in entry restored, all systems are new as well as roof. Spectacular!

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: This morning we bring you the house of another former child star whose life has been a roller coaster of success and complete chaos. Back in his glory days, Mister Danny Bonaduce had the world in the palm of his tiny hands as he rode around in a multi-colored bus singing and dancing for television audiences as Danny Partridge on The Partridge Family. But after the show ended, he fell into a vortex of drugs and hookers that left him living in a motel in Hollywood sucking on a crack pipe.

In the late 1980 and early 1990s, the Red Mess found work on radio, but a steady job with a steady income didn't do much to change his proclivities for the underbelly of life. In 1990 the red headed do-do bird was arrested at a Daytona Beach crack house. Nice. The following year he was arrested for roughing up a tranny hooker who he claims he did not know was a tranny when he/she got into the car.

Shortly thereafter, the Red Mess was set up on a blind date with a lady named Gretchen. Well, they must have had some sort of crazy chemistry because the couple was married just seven days after their first date. Seven. 1.2.3.4.5.6.7. Which Your Mama thinks is just a recipe for disaster.

Although the couple produced two children with the unfortunate names Count and Countess (we can't make this shit up children), the marriage was, not surprisingly, very tumultuous. In recent years, the couple opted for the washed up celebrity route of letting cameras into their home to capture the carnage and dysfunction of their sad lives for all the world to see. Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter will watch just about any reality show, but we drew the line at Breaking Bonaduce. We tried to watch this show exactly twice but were so mortified and embarrassed for Danny and Gretchen we quickly turned the channel. Fortunately, the couple is getting a dee-vorce, so we assume we will now be spared the upset of having to watch this man self-destruct on national television.

The couple, probably flush with advance money from Breaking Bonaduce, purchased this big house in the Los Feliz area of Los Angeles in February of 2005. The records we accessed to not reveal the amount they paid for the property. We're quite certain Mister Big Time can wave his magic wand and miraculously come up with the actual figure, but Your Mama's bag of tricks does not contain that particular ability, we'll have to guesstimate the couple paid around $2,500,000 for the house. But children, that is not the gospel, so do not go repeating that number to every Tom, Dick, and Sally who gives a rat's ass about Danny Bonaduce.

Your Mama has considerable mixed feelings about this property. We are by no means an expert on the ancient art of Feng Shui, but we are concerned this house has a severe lack of harmony which has resulted in considerable upheaval and discord in the home and which may be in part responsible for the high drama and hysterics of the Bonaduce family.

From the outside, the house is very impressive, sitting high on a hill with a climbing and curving celebrity style driveway. But the house, which occupies a large street to street lot, also sits somewhat strangely on the parcel and requires one to climb a good number of stairs and traverse a lot of ground just to get from the drive court to the front door. Not only is this complicated access not good for the Feng Shui and an easy flow of chi, this is not the sort of house one wants to be toting one's own groceries. By they time Your Mama reached the kitchen at this house, huffing and puffing from exertion, we are quite certain our Popsicles will have melted and the milk curdled from being out of the refrigeration too long.

Once inside the house we are greeted by a magnificent rotunda entrance hall with a grand and sweeping staircase. Every drag queen in our little black book would be clamoring for the opportunity to glide and preen down that gorgeous stair case, and the constantly curving walls are excellent for easy movement of the chi. However we recommend the Bonaduces immediately remove all those scary little statuettes and busts underneath the stairs, because not only are they strange and tacky, they can not be good for the Feng Shui.

Your Mama does not care for a grand pie-ana in the living room, unless of course, the homeowner actually PLAYS the thing, and we're not certain any of the other furniture we see in the photo is worthy of the slightly too narrow room. But the high beamed ceilings are quite lovely and even though we're not the glossy floor type,we're liking the glossy wood floors. We love the arched window and we love the Andalusian archway at the back of the room, but honestly, we wish the archways were the same shape rather than two different shapes. The different shapes create visual confusion which also can not be good for the Feng Shui.

The kitchen appears to be a real mish-mash of old and new and good and bad. Even though we wish it were black, we're digging the very expensive Aga stove, and we can live with the green tile work, but what is that light fixture doing in this house? We expect to see these sorts of lighting abominations in retirement villages in Ocala, Florida, but in a $4,500,000 house in Los Feliz? No. That light fixture upsets the balance of the entire room creating an environment that is not conducive to the well being of the kitchen, the heart of the home.

A home theater, while a staple feature in many high end Los Angeles houses, is difficult to do well, and we're sorry to say, this one, with it's bachelor style black leather seats and cliche red velvet curtains, does not succeed. This room looks like it was designed for Mister Bonaduce to watch porn.

One feature that is sorely lacking on the property is a heated swimming pool. The listing states there is room for a pool, but as ya'll know by now, if Your Mama was spending over $4,000,000 on a big house in Los Feliz, we would want that swimming pool already in place. And given all the bad Feng Shui throughout the house, a big water feature out back might help to absorb some of Mister Bonaduce's bad juju, which you have to know has the chi flow all screwed up in here.

We don't mean to appear to be a hater, but the man is a train wreck. It's only a matter of time before he begins makings seriously bad choices again, right? Your Mama is not wishing for the demise of Mister Bonaduce, but what is to come of a man in his late forties with serious demons and a waxed and ripped body who likes spending time with strippers? This can only end badly children.

Sources: Answer.com, NNDB, A Socialite's Life

Fleur De Lys Photographs of the Day

Children, Your Mama would have to kill you if we told you how it is that we came to possess a couple dozen photographs of the INTERIOR spaces of the tremendous and upsetting Saperstein mansion in Bel Air. So rather than go all hara-kiri on ya'll, we're going to keep that information locked deep in our vault. However, just so that you know, we received these photos in a rather obscure and not very obvious way, thank you very much.

In the interest of public safety, we are going to post just a few at a time rather than all at once. Your Mama is deeply concerned that presenting too many photos at once might induce a collective gasp of shock and awe so strong that all of the oxygen would be sucked right out of the air, causing the deaths of many thousands and millions of people around the world.

What you have the distinct and memorable displeasure of seeing above is the very grandiose entrance hall to the main house, which ya'll now by now was modeled after Versailles. Like you are now, Your Mama was left utterly speechless and short of breath at upon seeing the insanely garish, vulgar, and inexplicable display of wealth for the first time. We find the interior spaces even more grotesque and difficult to digest than we had anticipated.

This does not even look like a home. It looks like the damn Waldorf Astoria Hotel. Or one of Saddam's palaces. Your Mama hopes the Sapersteins have thoughtfully provided a basket of designer sunglasses with polarized lenses for guests to wear when they enter this gilded and shiny house. Please note the 24 carat gold gilded molding and ceiling details that glisten and throw light with such intensity guests run the risk of being blinded without a good pair of dark glasses to protect their eyes. But then again, Your Mama might just prefer blindness over being subjected to the visual insanity of this room.

Sorry Mister and Missus Saperstein, it may be just our humble opinion, but Your Mama is totally and completely appalled at your over the top sense of taste and style, and we sincerely think your decorator took you for a very, very expensive ride.

Poor, poor, Taran Noah Smith

SELLER: Taran Noah Smith
LOCATION: Madelia Avenue, Sherman Oaks, CA
PRICE: $1,149,900
SIZE: 3,922 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Great opportunity for your builder/fixer clients. Very desirable area south of Valley Vista. Large, very private flat lot with pool. Some additions may not be to code or have permits. Absolutely the worst house in a prime location.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Poor Taran Noah Smith. His life has become a sad cliche of a child actor which continues to spiral down the toilet. Ya'll remember our young Mister Smith as one of the boys on that Home Improvement show back in the 1990s, right? The boy has not had it easy children.

First he was given a girl's name. Then he went through an awkward and pimply puberty on national television. At the tender age of 17 he was married to a vegan lady named Heidi VanPelt, who happens to be 16 years his senior. At the same time he was falling in love with his Mrs. Robinson, he waged and won a bitter battle with his parents over control of his $1,500,000 trust fund amid allegations they were squandering his small fortune.

But his troubles did not end there. Oh no, children, the drama just goes on and on. The newly married May/December couple illegally ran a vegan restaurant/catering company called PlayFood out of their Sherman Oaks house, which surely did not endear them to their well to do neighbors. Naturally, the city shut them down. Next the couple attempted, but did not succeed, at opening a restaurant on Ventura Boulevard in Studio city where they planned to serve comfort vegan food slathered in a cheese product made of cashews. Next came the baby, and earlier this year, a nasty dee-vorce from his Mrs. Robinson.

And just last week, the shabby Sherman Oaks house our young Mister Smith called home was foreclosed on by his bank. Will his troubles never end?

Property records indicate our young Mister Smith purchased this home in 1996 for $585,000, when he was just 12 years old. Twelve years old and he's buying a dman house for his family to live! The Smith family occupied this house until sometime in 2001 when our Young Mister Smith managed to oust the parents and move in with his Mrs. Robinson.

The house, located in a swanky section of Sherman Oaks, is by all accounts in shambles, and we're sure the neighbors are pissed. You know when the real estate listing states, "the worst house in a prime location," that things are bad. Very bad. The listing for the property, which is priced at $1,149,900, contains no photographs of the 3,922 square foot house, but the gossip juggernaut TMZ has obtained a short video that shows the destruction and sad squalor of the interior of the house. Hold your nose while watching, because the stink manages to come through the monitor.

Your Mama has no idea where our Young Mister Smith is headed, but we do sincerely hope he's headed to greener pastures.

Sources: PlayFood, TMZ, A Minor Consideration, The LAist

Lurie and Firestein Sitting In A Tree...

SELLER: Les Firestein and Gwyn Lurie
LOCATION: North Barrington Avenue, Brentwood, CA
PRICE: $4,595,000
SIZE: 4,238 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Extensively remodeled, recently published sprawling Traditional on approx 1/2 acre of tree-filled grounds. Sited in a most verdant & private environment with a backdrop of towering Eucalyptus trees, this classic home is ideal for both entertaining & casual living. The over sized living room, cook's kitchen & cozy family room all open through French doors to a large trellis covered patio which looks on to the expansive park-like yard. Off the living room in an inviting paneled library with fireplace. There are 4 bedrooms + maid's, including a fabulous 2nd floor master suite with fireplace. On a lower level is a bonus room with bath, fireplace & sleeping loft. This dramatic, well detailed home will satisfy the most discriminating buyer.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Lawhd children, sometimes we just wanna beat our nosy butt-insky neighbors with a baseball bat, and we're quite sure the owners of this home wanted to do the same thing. All you people North of Chatsworth and East of Pasadena may not know who these two are, but Hollywood types will certainly know who Les Firestein and Gwyn Lurie are. The mister is a writer and executive producer who has toiled for shows like In Living Color and The Drew Carey Show. The missus is a screenwriter who, as best as we can tell, is often called to doctor, re-work, and re-write previously written scripts. She also penned the first draft of the the Johnny Depp vehicle Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, which was later rewritten by at least two other screenwriters.

But the reason Your Mama is innerested in this house is not actually the owners, but the controversy that was created a couple of years ago when Firestein/Luries built a huge tree house in their new backyard. Turns out their neighbor, a Bev Hills Plastic Surgeon, was not pleased with or amused by the tree house. Plastic surgeon made such a fuss about the damn thing that the media and local government got involved. And you know when the media and the local government get involved, you got a world of headache.

Not long after the Firestein/Luries purchased this home in July of 2005 for an undisclosed amount of money, they hired a gentleman named Roderick Wolgamott Romero, to build an ugly and grandiose tree house for the couples 18-month old child.Which is so young that the child would not be able to even climb up in said tree house unaided by an able bodied adult. So who was this tree house really for anyway?

Mister Romero happens to be one of the world's premiere builders of tree houses for the rich and famous. Not inclined to spend time with children or to climb trees, Your Mama didn't know such a tree house building expert person existed. But, according to several reports, the man has built fancy tree houses for luminaries such at tantric sex freak Sting and also for the queen of the elastic body suit, Donna Karan.

Well, don't you know that before the damn thing was even finished, Plastic Surgeon was freaking out and complaining to the city that the tree house violated his privacy. Seems Plastic Surgeon was concerned that children in the aerie might be able to eye-spy him and his wife in their swimming pool and hot tub. Was Plastic Surgeon concerned about being caught by the neighborhood kiddies having a naughty Nick Lachey and Vanessa Manillo moment?

Now children, Your Mama does not want to be seen by neighborhood children doing the nasty in the hot tub with the Dr. Cooter either, but people do have the freedom to do whatever crazy things they want to do with the trees on their own property. Our suggestion for the Plastic Surgeon to take a few of his boob implant bucks and install a tall wall of evergreen arborvitae to screen out the views from the tree house. But oh, no, that would have been far to simple a solution for the highly paid Plastic Surgeon, who apparently preferred complaining and whining to the media and local government.

The tree house issue seems to have been resolved because photos of the house, now on the market for $4,595,000, include the completed tree house. We can only wonder if the decision to move had anything to do with the troubles with Plastic Surgeon.

And what about the house? Well, Your Mama is not inclined towards positive feelings about Beaver Cleaver style houses, even well cared for ones like this. We do appreciate the privacy the tall hedges and rose garden at the front of the property afford, but we loathe rose bushes. L.O.A.T.H.E. Damn rose bushes do nothing but cause Your Mama grief having to deal with those thorns ripping our skin every time we reach in to pluck a weed. Can't stand the smell either. We know we may be in the minority about roses, but we'd rip every one of the rose bushes out in a heart beat.

The interior of the house is mostly non-offensive and we like the kitchen with it's enormous Viking range and Carrara marble counter tops. We know Carrara is not the most practical of surfaces for a busy kitchen, but Your Mama LOVES Carrara marble so much that we keep a slab of it just so that we can run our pudgy fingers over it when we're feeling the need for a quick tactile pick me up. The den fires on all cylinders with a simple jute run, a fantastic horse hide ottoman, white sofa (we love a white sofa!), and magnificent mink colored walls. This set up is far more traditional than the sort of decor Your Mama lives with, but we like this room very much none the less.

However, the dining room is a total mess. We feel strongly that whomever put this room together deserves a stern spanking. The most obvious blunder is, of coursse, the terrible blue on the walls. Too dark to be Tiffany blue and too light to be even in the ball park with regal. he curtains, we assume, are a failed attempt at whimsy, and look like they're left over from a 1950s child's room. The brass chandelier is, well, it's brass, and it looks cheapo, and it's not scaled quite right for this room. And lastly the dining room table and chairs has us vomiting in our mouths a little. Your Mama hopes that is some sort of family heirloom, because there is no other reason to have those awful and upsetting chairs with baby poo colored leather up in the one's house. Who can enjoy a meal knowing that your booty is sitting in a chair that ugly?

Now let's discuss the tree house. We do not agree with Plastic Surgeon getting his panties in a bunch over this thing, but the three house does look like something a hippie who got rich from IBM stock would have built in Woodstock in 1974. In fact, once upon a time Your Mama rented a big house on 400 acres just outside of Woodstock and on too many occasions we found ourselves in a tee pee or a tree house being offered magic mushrooms and weed by an aged and IBM stock rich hippie who was ducking the IRS.

Anyhoo, now that the Firestein/Luries are moving on, we can only hope the before they have Mister Romero come over and build another hippie fantasy of a tree house, they'll investigate where to put the damn thing so that their new neighbors don't get in a snit and call the media and the city again.

Sources: ABC, Steve Gilliard, Los Anjealous, A Socialite's Life

Dear Mister Big Time...

...We just wanted to respond to your "Which celebrity's house" challenge regarding the house on Laurel Terrace Drive that was purchased by the E.P.A.R.P. Trust. Your Mama has called one of our little birdies on the ground in Los Angeles who tells us the house was purchased by soap stud Eyal Podell from the Young and the Restless.

Also, we have been able to confirm that, as you suspected, actor Ed O'Neill did in fact move to a 2,104 square foot house in the numbered streets of Santa Monica.

We Would Like to Aplogize to The Spice Gurl

RENTER: Victoria "The Spice Gurl" Beckham
LOCATION: Beverly Ranch Road, Beverly Hills, CA
SIZE: 7,000 square feet (approx.), 6 bedrooms, 6.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Incredible environment of approximately 7,000 sq. ft. that will resonate w/ anyone who appreciates great architecture. Situated on its own promontory of approximately 10 acres with incredible views. Soaring walls of glass, pool w/ double infinity edges that looks like it is hanging in space, must see to believe! Tremendous space to display art & extraordinary for entertaining. All the features you expect from a home of this caliber: large screening room, wine room, dual master suites, etc.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Children, we come to you this morning humbled. Last night, along with the Dr. Cooter, we watched The Spice Gurl's new reality show on the NBC called Victoria Beckham: Coming To America, and we've had a change of mind.

We'll be honest and say that Your Mama fully expected to dislike this skinny, unsmiling, and publicity hungry ex-pop star who drove us crazy looking at every damn mansion for sale in Beverly Hills and Bel Air. But we didn't. No hunnies, we didn't. We must confess, Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter actually liked this skinny, unsmiling, and publicity hungry ex-pop star who came off as a funny, charming, self effacing, and somewhat ditzy gal who is toe-ta-lee and completely aware of how she is perceived by the world.

She totters around in absurdly high heels and can barely walk in her too tight pencil skirts. She makes dead pan, shallow, and yet somehow funny comments about how she'd rather die than be caught in a pair of ballet flats. She even goes so far as to wear stripper worthy patent leather spikes while sun bathing by the pool. And she clearly lives in a bubble and vacuum that is unique to the very rich and very famous. She's screwy, but she is no monster.

You can all skewer and lambaste Your Mama for saying so, and y'all prolly will, but we think the skinny bitch from Britain has done herself some serious good to her public image in the US with this television program. And VB gurl, the Dr. Cooter and Your Mama would have you, your ridiculously high heels, and your cartoon-like and bulging breasts to dinner any night of the week. Brava gurl!

But we're not really here to discuss our surprising and new found affection for The Spice Gurl. Rather we're here to discuss the real estate. And while watching The Spice Gurl's show last night, we realized that the house she rented for the filming of her show is currently on the market for sale at $8,995,000, which includes a large adjacent parcel. Without the adjacent parcel the price is $6,995,000. (Thanks reader!)

Located on the valley side of Mulholland Drive and occupying a ten acre parcel at the tip of a hair pin curve, the house is one of the many, many properties it was reported The Spice Gurl looked at in her exhaustive search for a Los Angeles home for her and her relocating family. Turns out, she only wanted to lease the place to film her show, because of course, even the children of Malawi and Mongolia know the couple purchased a $22,000,000 home on San Ysidro Drive in Beverly Hills.

The rental house, with 6 bedrooms and 6.5 bathrooms, offered plenty of room for her and her staff to roam about and store her considerable collection of tiny little clothes. However, we're not sure or convinced that The Spice Gurl actually LIVED in this house or simply used it for filming her show. It was our understanding that she and the entourage were staying in a swank Beverly Hills hotel. Anyone?

The big modern house has huge walls of glass and a spectacular view, if you don't mind looking at the San Fernando Valley. Your Mama is not going to spend much time picking apart the furniture and art choices, because they do not belong to The Spice Gurl. And for the most part, we're not offended by the furniture. The obscenely bad art is another matter. What in the world is that four headed nightmare above the bed. Who could sleep with four demonic and decapitated faces staring down at you like that? Seriously, who?

Before we go, we'd like to add one program note on the television program...Did anyone else jump up and down with delight during that scene where The Spice Gurl was invited to freaky looking Herbalife widow/tycoon Suzan Hughes' crazy mansion for a luncheon? That was some priceless television. PRICELESS. Not only were every single one of these women of indeterminate age due to the vast amounts of plastic surgery and caked on make up that made them look like drag queens, they were nut jobs. Particularly after they had a few mid-day drinks in them. Did anyone else pass out laughing when the old lady in the powder blue suit made that freaky noise with her mouth? It's moments like that that make TiVo worth every penny.

Anyhoo, Your Mama would like to publicly apologize to The Spice Gurl for all our bad thoughts and words. Because hunny, we think you're major.

Sources: Crap Filter, NBC,

Jane and Marcus Buckingham in Beverly Hills

SELLERS: Jane and Marcus Buckingham
LOCATION: N. Linden Drive, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $5,950,000
SIZE: 4,388 square feet (main house), 5 bedrooms, 6 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Magical Mediterranean on one of the most coveted streets in BH. This beautifully restored home has a 2-sty entry, step down living room w/ f/p, hardwood floors, formal dining room, and family room overlooks BBQ, sparkling pool and sports court. The kitchen is highlighted w/stainless appliances, center island, charming breakfast and den. The second floor features a romantic master w/ f/p and 3 additional family bedrooms. There is also a guest apt and 2-offices. For the most discriminating buyer.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: We know that 99.999 percent of you don't have a clue who Marcus or Jane Buckingham are. None the less, Your Mama includes this property because once upon a time in a land far, far away, Your Mama consulted as a "cool hunter" for the market research and trend consulting firm Youth Intelligence, which is owned and operated by the female side of this couple. Back then the company was based out of a dark garden apartment in the West Village of New York. Now the lucky lady appears to have digs on both coasts.

Your Mama, a little bit of a trend setter in our youth, used to get paid to come to the Y.I. offices and "interview," which meant we told the folks what music we listened to, where we shopped, what we bought, what we wore, where we went out, what books were we reading, where we vacationed, what artists we liked, etc. Sometimes we'd be summoned to The Mercer Hotel in Soho to do a focus group for a big soft drink company or maybe a booze company. They even paid Your Mama to stroll them around to all the newest and best shoppy-shops that were popping up all over the Lower East Side back in the 1990s. It was an odd, easy, and very New York way to make a few extra bucks.

We only met Miz Buckingham on one brief occasion, so we're quite certain she would not remember us from the many other lower east side hipsters she casually employed in order to codify, quantify, and commodify their personal style and sell it to corporate America so they could better access and market to a young and influential consumer base. We called it "working for the devil."

Mister Marcus Buckingham toils as a successful author and "expert" on how to be a better boss and a more effective leader. Corporate snoozola stuff if you ask Your Mama, but clearly the gentleman makes big bucks teaching management types the mostly futile art of how to motivate cubicle dwellers and office denizens how to be more productive. Ack!

Located in the flats of Beverly Hills, this big and beautiful Mediterranean style house is walking distance to the swanky and exclusive Los Angeles Country Club. But of course, most Angelenos, freakishly rich and just sorta rich alike, would keel over from humiliation if anyone saw them hoofing it down Wilshire Boulevard to the clubhouse. So perhaps proximity to the fancy golf course is irrelevant.

The Buckinghams purchased this lovely house in October of 2001. Property records do not indicate the purchase price, but from our estimation it looks to be somewhere in the neighborhood of $2,000,000. Don't quote us on that one children, because it's only a semi educated guess.

Sizing in at 4,388 square feet, the house is large without being upsettingly huge. Of course, the two-story guest house/pool house/office house adds considerable square footage which likely launches the house into the two-maid-twice-weekly territory.

All the children know by now that Your Mama is partial to Mediterranean style houses, and while this one might be decorated too traditionally for our personal taste, it's really quite a lovely house. We feel that with a decorating do-over and some other minor adjustments (i.e. removing the sport court and that awful child safety fencing around the pool) the Dr. Cooter and our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly could be quite happy living up in this big Beverly Hills house where we could stash less favored guests and in-laws in the large, 2-story building out back.

We confess to considerable disappointment that a lady who deals in what's new and notable in the world did not make any effort to mix all that traditional furniture with some new fangled designs by arty farty designers like Marc Newsom and the Bouroullec brothers. We incorrectly imagined Miz Buckingham to possess a more forward thinking and eclectic taste in interior decoration. But alas.

The living room looks like a nice gay decorator might have been brought into whip the place into a taupe fantasy of an East meets West formal living/reception room. We are decidedly not the taupe type, so we are deeply grateful for all the colorful orange and red cushions. Because let's be honest, without them it would be nearly impossible to distinguish where the sofas end and the walls begin.

We do like the black glossy dining set, which looks reminiscent of something one might see in a fancy British pub or buy at a yard sale in Connecticut. But we would have chosen to pair it with a more modern take on a traditional rug, maybe something like the Pat Nixon rug by Jonathan Adler. The Fortuny fabric chandelier was an obvious and uninspired choice, and again, we wish that a woman who sells trends for a living might have chosen something a little more aspirational and contemporary for the lighting scheme. The painting over the credenza that shows a grand piano in a blue room perplexes and annoys us, but we are digging the blue honeycomb print curtains.

We've never been a big fan of black granite, but we do appreciate the kitchen's large (but not too large) size, and the functional appliance layout. The teak counter top on the island is exquisite and the warming drawer is a nice feature. Although quite frankly, we expect warming drawers in all homes of this caliber and price range. However, what's with the microwave sitting on the counter by the refrigerator? Come on now people. Who spends $75,000 remodeling a kitchen and forgets to have a custom cubby designed for the microwave? Seriously. Your Mama sees this gross and offensive error all the time in rich people's kitchens and we are sick and tired of this oversight.

While the family room is rather puny, we do appreciate the effort of the colorful and mixy-matchy decor which gives the room a slight and not unpleasant grandma on mushrooms vibe. We can only cross our fingers and hope the enormous flat screen television is on a swinging arm, otherwise the folks sitting on the green sofa are going to get a serious kink in their necks trying to watch the new seasons of Big Love and Big Brother.

Upstairs in the master bedroom, we are once again confronted with too much traditional furniture for our personal taste. The fireplace is a bonus feature for the cold footed and/or romantic types, and we are silly with delight to see bookshelves full of actual books, a redeeming feature which allows Your Mama to forgive the strange and confusing placement of the sofa at the end of the bed. As for the beige master bath? Well, Your Mama thinks it needs to be gutted.

Perhaps in their next home, the Buckinghams will hire a nice gay decorator who can successfully merge traditional design with a modern and forward thinking sensibility. Because if you're going to sell youth trends for a living, it would seem to Your Mama that your own personal style and taste should incorporate some of that youthful vibrancy and edge that corporate America has become so good at parsing and selling back to the young and old(er) alike.

Jaime Pressly, Valley Gurl

SELLER: Jaime Pressly
LOCATION: Rosita Street, Tarzana, CA
PRICE: $1,299,000 (reduced from $1,499,000)
SIZE: 2,955 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Gated, set back w/ utmost privacy on a gentle knoll w/ backdrop of mature trees, lush plantings & flowers. Celebrity Spanish estate recently remodeled throughout. Ebony hdwd & Spanish terra cotta tile flrs, new ceiling fans, chandeliers, custom bamboo window shades, 3 frplcs. Zen-inspired interiors. Granite kitch/FR open to lg. deck overlooking gardens, LR, FD, spacious game room. Romantic master suite w/ sitting area, 2 walk-in closets, luxury ba. w/ spa tub, steam shower. Saline pool & spa, lawns.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: All the celebrity real estate nuts out there have known for a loooong time that Emmy nominated comedic ack-tress Jaime Pressly, who plays a spot on trailer trash bimbet on the television program My Name is Earl, is selling her Tarzana house. Yes, that's right children, we said Tarzana. Your Mama falls over with faint every time we realize that yet another celebrity lives out in the wilds of suburban Tarzana.

This property was written about back back in early January when the ex-model and new mommy first put listed the property for sale. But it was only this last weekend, while Your Mama recuperated from illness, that we noticed an actual listing with photographs popped up. So while Miz Ruth Ryon at the LA Times and Mister Big Time have already discussed this house in some depth, we thought we'd bring ya'll a few photos and thoughts on the decor.

However, let's first go over a couple of discrepancies we have encountered with the previous discussions of this property. Miz Ryon, in her Hot Properties column, mentioned that the house was listed at just UNDER $1,400,000, but the listing has the price at $1,499,000. Also, Mister Big Time accessed public records that give him a square footage of 2,460 for the house, while the records we accessed provide the number 2,955 square feet. Hmm.

Miz Pressly has a knack and a penchant for buying, renovating, and flipping houses in the San Fernando Valley. Records indicated that prior to buying this house in the hills of Tarzana, she bought and sold a house on Dixie Canyon Avenue in Sherman Oaks, then bought a house in Studio City which she sold to Malcom in the Middle actor Justin Berfield. Next she bought, and quickly sold, a house in Encino before purchasing this Spanish style house in Tarzana. We're not sure if the funny lady is fickle with the real estate or just enjoys the process of buying, decorating, and selling.

Located in the hills of Tarzana, Miz Pressly paid $949,000 for this house in June of 2004. The listing states that the house has been recently remodeled, and we assume all the new work was done by Miz Pressly. The listing also states the interiors have been done up in a "Zen-inspired" style, and certainly they have. We see potted bamboo plants and Buddhist-like wooden statuary in just about every damn room.

We are not digging the two-tone sofas in the living room and wish they had been placed a little closer to each other so that guests would not be forced to shout at each other from such a great distance. Art is subjective, and certainly everyone is entitled to their own taste in paintings and sculpture, but that painting above the fireplace just looks frightening to Your Mama. Note the bamboo and "Zen inspired" statuettes flanking the fireplace.

Jaime hunny, do you always leave your dining room table set for eight guests or did the real estate stager do that? Children please note the glasses on the table. It would appear that if you come to dinner at Miz Pressly's you will not be given wine with dinner, but rather martinis, or perhaps cosmopolitans. This can only mean she's trying to get you so drunk you pass out so she can strip you naked and take humiliating photos of you. Note the bamboo and "Zen-inspired" wooden wall hanging.

Into the bedroom we find a humongous bed that is so high we would need a man to stand next to the bed to boost us up and in every night. It pleases us to see a few magazines next to the bed and know that Miz Pressly reads before shutting her eyeballs just the way Your Mama does.

We find the master bathroom to be somehow upsetting to our equilibrium. Could be all the mirrors which enable you to get a too good and long look at every body flaw from every angle. Or could be the too ornate cabinet with all that carving and swirly stuff. Could be the orange tile on the floor. Could be all of it together makes it look like a fancy public restroom.

The backyard swimming pool area looks like a nice place to sunbathe and drink Kool-aid in the scorching San Fernando Valley heat. The thickly planted up slope behind the house guarantees a generous amount of privacy for re-creating a torrid and naughty Nick and Vanessa spa moment without the paps getting a few snaps of the dirty deed.

Your Mama hasn't a clue where Miz Pressly and her young family are moving, but somehow, we're quite sure it is somewhere in the Southern hills of the San Fernando Valley. We just hope that now that she's got a huzband (DJ Eric Cubiche) and a new baby, she'll stay put for more than a year or two. But given her peripatetic nature, we assume she'll be on the move again in early 2009.

Sources: LA Times, Big Time Listings, Socialite Life

Angeles Bassett Gets Her Groove On in Hancock Park

SELLERS: Courtney Vance and Angela Bassett
LOCATION: Fremont Place, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $5,999,000
SIZE: 4,828 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 6 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Spectacular Celebrity estate in Fremont Place. This home has the perfect blend of traditional elegance & sophistication! 5 Bds, 6 Bas on a 26,595 corner lot replete w/ 2,500 sq. ft. separate 2 room office/guest + bath & full gym w/ hair salon complete this extraordinary compound. Rich w/ orig details, this fabulous home has a gourmet kitchen that opens to family room, formal liv & din room, elegant foyer, master ste w/ incredible bath & closets & park-like grounds. Incl is 24/7 security of Fremont Pl.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Your are some lucky children today because this house, located in a particularly swanky section of Hancock Park, has a double dose of celebrity. This house is currently owned by Oscar nominated movie actress Angela Bassett and her good looking huzband Courtney Vance. Miz Bassett's Hollywood heydays were back in the 1990s when she earned an well deserved Oscar nomination for her portrayal of Tina Tuner in the film What's Love Got To Do With It. She went on to star in many film productions, most notably, of course, as Stella in the 1998 film Stella Got Her Groove Back. More recently she's learning to master the art of being a working mommy of young twins.

As for huzband Courtney Vance, well you could hardly turn on the cable television over the last several years without seeing his good looking mug staring out at you as he acted his booty off on one of the too many Law and Order franchises. Your Mama is glad for all the people for whom that program and its too many spin offs provide income and food on the table. But holy cow, Mary Mother of Jeezis, we are sick and tired of the number of cable television channels that get taken up airing the re-runs of these Law and Order programs. Ev-er-ee time we turn on the boob tube we are forced to sift through the dozen or more channels that are airing a Law and Order program. Someone needs to start a damn Law and Order channel and give those of us not interested in serial killing sex addicts some television watching peace.

Anyhoo, these two Yale trained thespians are truly the rare exception in Hollywood. Not only have they been married–to each other, mind you–for a good long time, they've lived in the same Hancock Park house for many, many years. Y'all know by now how these celebrity types tend to buy, move in to, and then sell their houses at a head spinning pace. So it's refreshing for Your Mama to see a celebrity couple who have stayed in one place long enough to actually grow some roots.

The property records we accessed are a wee bit confusing and show that the couple purchased this house either in June 1990 for $1,275,000, or in December 1994 for $772,500. Your Mama apologizes for not having this one nailed down, but we're still not quite on top of our game after being crazy sick the last few days. But either way, the Bassett/Vance clan has been in residence here for more than 10 long years, which in celebrity real estate terms is an ice age. The 4,828 square foot house features 5 bedrooms and 6 bathrooms. Also on the property is a very large, 2-story accessory building that includes an office space/guest room and bathroom as well a few very special amenities which we'll discuss below.

The Fremont Place location ensures security and privacy for both rich people and the rich and famous who call the neighborhood home. The 24 hour guard gated entrance ensures that any of you wing nuts who might have a mind to drive your sad little Saturns over to Hancock park to catch a glimpse of Miz Bassett as she waters the lawn will be sadly disappointed as you will be unceremoniously turned around at the gate and told to scatter by a burly man with a gruff voice.

The Bassett/Vance house, all creamy beige and elegant, is loaded with many of the bells and whistles a certain sort of glammy celebrity–or a rich queen–might want. And we don't mean a royal, we mean a mincing too tan man with a collection of Gucci loafers and a vintage Jaguar in the garage.

First, we have the exclusive, guard gated location which provides security and privacy for the celebrity, and the much desired exclusivity for the rich queen, who absolutely does not want to peep through the living room windows to see a beat up Ford Taurus parked at the curb.

Next we have the multi-room master suite, with a bedroom bathed in glossy and gorgeous Venetian plaster, a carpeted bathroom with a soaking tub, and an enormous dressing room. The celebrity needs all the dressing room space in order store the myriad of gowns and Jimmy Choos required to walk the red carpet day in and day out. And, of course, the rich queen needs that big dressing room in order to feel like a celebrity.

A home gym is also highly desirable to both the celebrity and the rich queen. Afterall, what celebrity, besides Matthew McConnaughy and Jake Gyllenhaal, actually wants to suffer the indignity of being seen sweating by the plebes? And of course, the rich queen has a gym membership for one reason only, and it's not the weight room.

And last, but surely not the least desirable accoutrement, a home hair salon. Need we say more?

We would like the children to note, there is no swimming pool on this property, and really, no room to put one. So six millions smackers will not buy you the pleasure of skinny dipping with a loved one in the privacy on one's back yard.

Your Mama hasn't a clue why or where the Bassett/Vance clan will be moving, but we imagine it will be a to a property with more space for swing sets and sand boxes. Your Mama wishes them a happy home, and while we're not fond of children, we wish them all the happiness of being a new parent.

Sources: Internet Movie Data Base, Socialite Life, Cele-bitchy

NEWSFLASH...

...Nausea and fever aside, Your Mama, needed to get up from our sick bed to bring the children some breaking celebrity real estate gossip. We hear that Paris "Pokey" Hilton will soon be putting her Hollywood Hills house on the market.

So for those 12 girls who consider Pokey a role model, now is the time to get your parents to cough up a few million to buy one of the most infamous houses in all of Los Angeles.

Now, Your Mama is going back to bed to rest up and read the piles and piles of gossip rags, catch up on back issues of The New Yorker and finish up the stunning novel we're reading by Kathryn Harrison.

More soon.

Settle down babies...

...because Your Mama has done worked ourselves to sickness. We will NOT be posting the next couple of days as we re-cooperate and allow our worn out finger nubbins to relax a bit. Not to worry, we'll be back at it with a vengeance soon enough, so check back in with us on Monday when we'll have some new bizness for you. Bye now.

Fleur De Lys This...

OWNER: Suzanne Saperstein
LOCATION: Carolwood Drive, Bel Air, CA
PRICE: $125,000,000
SIZE: 35,046 square feet, 12 bedrooms, 15 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Fleur De Lys - The Finest Estate in America. Available by appointment to pre-qualified clients only. The property has 12 bedrooms, 15 baths, guest house on a 5.01 acres.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: No children, that is not the summer residence of The Pope. Nor is this palace located in some backwater outside of Paris where French Royalty went to get away from the pestilence and poverty of the common people. Nor is this a government building, a posh hotel, or a school. No babies, this is a house. Known by the pompous name of Fleur De Lys, the house was built by Texas billionaire David Saperstein and his big blond Swedish wife Suzanne, who apparently wanted to world to know they have more money than an Egyptian Pharaoh. If everything is bigger in Texas, then this house proves it's even bigger when Texans relocate to the Holmby Hills.

The New York Social Diary has a nice synopsis of the Saperstein love story which has all the earmarks of a tawdry romance novel. But alas, the once happy marriage has ended in a well publicized and not so amicable dee-vorce. Suzanne, being the mother of their three children, got the big house in the Holmby Hills section of Bel Air as part of her settlement, and she promptly put on the market with a staggering $125,000,000 price tag.

Gurl isn't crazy. She knows what it costs to run that house, and she's well aware of the number of staff that need to be paid just to keep the lawn mowed and the windows washed. And she is not about to run through her dee-vorce settlement cash settling up with the hedge trimmers, house maids, and pool people. She's knows that now that she's dee-vorced, it's time to get practical. Besides, what rich man is going to want to marry a woman who comes with expenses and baggage like Fleur De Lys?

Reports have said that Miz Saperstein and the children have given up the big house for a more sensibly sized 14,800 square foot house at the family's 140 acre ranch in Simi Valley. Simi Valley?

Your Mama does not know who or what sort of person would actually buy a house like Fleur De Lys, but we have been told by someone who would know that the house has been looked at by potentates, foreign governments, a Russian oligarch or two, and even a few stupendously rich Americans. It is someone from this circle that we have to thank for the photographs you see above. No, Your Mama does not fraternize with billionaires, but we do fraternize with people who fraternize with billionaires. Wink, wink.

Although property records indicate the house at just over 35,000 square feet, most reports say the house has 45,000 square feet. The larger number likely includes the guest house and staff quarters which are contained in separate buildings. An recent article in the Wall Street Journal tells us that inside the big house there are 12 bedrooms, 15 bathrooms, Italian marble walls, French limestone floors, gold-embossed leather wall coverings, gold leaf crown moldings, a vast ballroom, two kitchens, and a 50-seat screening room, natch. Also on the grounds, a pool house with kitchen, massage room, gym, a three bedroom manager's house, staff quarters for ten, a nine-care garage, and a three-quarter mile jogging track.

Please also note the trampoline that has been placed at the back of the house on the not very well tended lawn. Tacky. Seriously, Miss Suzanne Saperstein, you have 5 acres there and boo-coo bucksin your myriad of Chanel purses and pocketbooks...Have that trampoline put somewhere more discreet on the property.

One day someone will come along and buy this house. Somehow Your Mama doubts they'll pay anywhere near the $125,000,000 asking price. But whatever amount it is that gets coughed up, you can bet that number will flabbergast and amaze Your Mama. Trust us when we say the Dr. Cooter will need to be shoving smelling salts under our nose to keep us from passing out from shock the day this house transfers ownership.

Sources: Mother Jones, New York Social Diary, The Independent, Wall Street Journal

UPDATE: Britney Spears

SELLER: Britney Spears
LOCATION: 12094 Summit Circle, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $7,495,000 (up from $7,200,000)
SIZE: 9,130 square feet, 6 bedrooms, 6.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: This exquisite Tuscan Villa in a prestigious gated community is situated behind gates on a quiet cul de sac with 24hr security. Designer perfect, this 6+6.5 7,453 sf (approx) enchanting estate accented by stunning landscaping, boasts a grand entry foyer, high ceilings, gourmet chef's kit, family rm, media rm, mds qtrs, stone & wd flrs, French drs lead out to park-like grounds and a sparkling pl. Romantic mastr ste w/fpl & balcony overlooking the pl complete this gorgeous home! Sold w/ furniture.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Today we received an email from the ever intrepid tipster Mugsy Fairweather, who lets us know that Britney Spears has put her Beverly Hills house back on the market for $7,495,000. Which is a wee bit strange since back in April the price had been reduced to $7,200,000 before it was taken off the open market.

Yes, children, this is the same house she bought on a whim back when she was exposing her vagina to the paparazzi and hanging out with reformed party princess Paris Hilton, whom Your Mama and all our friends now refer to as Pokey. Get it?

Anyhoo, somebody, please, buy this house. Poor Britney is losing her damn mind and the last thing she can concentrate on is maintaining this house in the Beverly Hills. We know the place has got the bad Britney juju, but still, somebody, please, have mercy on a flailing single mommy who's is just about to write a huuuge check to her soon to be ex husband.

Call Me Crazy, Call Me Anne Heche...

SELLERS: Anne "Celestia" Heche and Coley Lafoon
LOCATION: S. Las Palmas Avenue, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $3,795,000
SIZE: 3,819 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 4.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: PAUL WILLIAMS, ARCHITECT. GORGEOUS 1929 COUNTRY ENGLISH W/ POOL, GSTHSE. Dramatic oversized LR opening to gardens & pool, handsome large DR, exceptional FamRm/eat-in kitchen w/superior appliances, adjoining ante-room& butlers pantry. Upstairs are 2 excellent bedroom suites & a sumptuous master suite with large terrace overlooking lovely rear lawns and gardens. Extensive entertaining areas. Above the garage is an updated guesthouse/bath. Great example of Paul Williams' work.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Lawhd, we do not even know where to begin discussing the trials and tribulations of ack-tress and hasbian Anne "Celestia" Heche and her stay at home daddy man Coley Lafoon. Do we begin when she dumped her lady lover Ellen Degeneres for her current and soon to be ex- huzband Coley Lafoon? Or do we begin on that fateful day in the year 2000 when Celestia was found wandering the farm fields of Fresno loaded on ecstasy, talking gibberish, and out of her ever loving mind? Or do we begin more recently with the stories and rumors of Miz Anne's alleged affair with James Tupper, a cast mate from her Men In Trees television program? Or what about her reported flirting with females in New York City? Ack!

Whatever way Celestia swings after her messy, bitter, and all too public dee-vorce, before all is said and done, the once happy house in the heart of Hancock Park will need to be sold off. Split up since February 2007, the couple, who have been at each others throats accusing each other of poor parenting skills, mental instability, obsessive masturbation, and stealing furniture, have both been using this house, and it is NOT a good idea for these two to be sharing anything anymore.

According to property records, the once loving heterosexual couple who met when Celestia was still attached to Ellen Degeneres, purchased this lovely Paul Williams designed Tudor in July of 2005 for $3,150,031. Records show the show the house at 3,819 squre feet with 4 bedrooms and 4.5 bathrooms. At it's current price of $3,795,000, Mister and Missus Lafoon won't be seeing much of a profit on their real estate investment. But we expect the myriad of reasons they're eager to sell have little to do with potential profits.

Say what you will about Celestia and her crazy ways, but Your Mama thinks the bonkers behatcha has some unexpectedly good taste. It's not all good, but who knew that a gal who wrote a book named Call me Crazy, could sort out the details to put a room together that even sane people would feel comfortable? We are loving the living room with the big white flokati rug and the hodge-podge upholstered pieces which have been unified and married by the white fabric creating a cohesive space that feels soothing and sane.

Sure, the room with all the patterned rugs is a bit whacko, but we expect this is where Celestia does her yoga, meditation, and communicating with the other side. And really, it does look comfy in a bohemian let's put on a black light, smoke some grass, and talk to the angels sort of way.

It's all good for Your Mama until you get to the kitchen where the breakfast area is unpleasantly graced with a colorful diagram of the digestive system. Now children, Your Mama is under no illusion about where food goes, the process it goes through, and where it comes out. But we do not need to eat our breakfast cereal being reminded that shortly, and if we're lucky, our rectum is going to pinch it out. We do, however, dig those orange chairs in there.

And into the bedroom. Is it just us, or do you see this place as strangely chaste and grandma-like? Hmm.

Your Mama is looking forward to the day these two sell this house, get dee-vorced and move on from their mudslinging and name calling. Sure it's fun for all of us gossip hounds, but frankly, Your Mama is getting tired of reading about Celestia and her haphazard romantic engtanglements.

Sources: Hollywood.com, Socialite Life, SF Chronicle, Celebrity Nation, The Insider Online

Sit tight...

...Your Mama has a bizzy day ahead, but we also have some great stuff for the children later in the day.

UPDATE: Michael Madsen

LOCATION: Victoria Point Road, Malibu, CA
PRICE: $7,800,000
SIZE: SIZE: 3,424 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Lender owned foreclosure! Reduced over $2,000,000 from last listed price due to recent foreclosure sale. Great beach front location on private cove in prestigious Broad Beach area. End of cul-de-sac location on private, gated street. Large 5 bedroom Cape Cod style home with lots of charm, hardwood floors, vaulted beamed ceilings, sunroom and deck. unbelievable ocean views from this private, scenic cove. Enjoy the Malibu lifestyle!

Let's go back to the middle of May when Your Mama discussed the ocean front house in Malee-boo that actor Micahel Madsen was trying to sell lickety split before his bank started foreclosure proceedings. Madsen's kinda shabby house was one the market for $9,950,000 and he was looking to have someone take the house off his sad little hands almost immediately, before the bank foreclosed on the house.

We're sorry to say that there was no quick sale at a high price, the bank foreclosed, and the house is back on the market for a $7,800,000, a substantial price reduction, and probably a more realistic price.

Your Mama has no idea why Mister Madsen, who is the brother of Oscar nominated actress Virginia Madsen, did not have the money to make his mortgage, particularly when his IMDB resume is littered with recent projects that surely brought in a substantial amount of dough. Sad.

As you may recall, this house once belonged to Ted Danson, before he moved up in the world of Malee-boo real estate and purchased a home in The Colony in the year 2000. The couple have recently placed the house on the market, again, at $18,500,000.

Anyhoo, Your Mama wisher Mister and Missus Madsen well as they search for and move into a more affordable home.

Source: Internet Movie Data Base

Another Orange County Housewife House on the Block

OWNER: Lauri Waring
LOCATION: Platinum Circle, Mission Viejo, CA
PRICE: $599,000
SIZE: 1,700 square feet (approx.), 3 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Location, Location! Model perfect end unit just steps from beautiful play park & pool. Open floor plan w/ gourmet kitchen w/ large center island, cozy fireplace in family room & charming covered front porch. Upgraded throughout w/ Travertine flooring, designer carpet and paint, high baseboards & much more. Master bedroom features walk out balcony. Distressed hardwood floors in the spacious loft, perfect for home office. Private cul-de-sac end unit with pano views of hills, park & pool. Turnkey!

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Well, it must be official, Lauri Waring, one of The Housewives of Orange County, is selling her Mission Viejo condominium, which can only mean she must have married her stupendously rich suitor George. Now that she's got a big ring on her finger and a piece of paper in the vault that makes half of his stuff hers, she's free to part with her single mommy condominium. Because let's face it, if it all goes South with George, and Your Mama hopes it does not, this Orange County stereotype is NOT going back to a condominium. Not this time.

The Dr. Cooter and Your Mama watched The Housewives of Orange County program like it was CNN on an important news day, eyes glued to the screen, jaws on the floor, shushing our bitches Linda and Beverly every time they so much as moved one of their long bodies. Riveting television children, ri-va-ting.

The Housewives of Orange County was what reality television is meant to be where people unwittingly expose themselves in small and unconscious ways which provide viewers an unswerving and unvarnished look at a who they are and how their clocks tick. We're quite sure that when these brave bitches signed on for Housewives they had no idea just how nekkid they would appear. The show totally and successfully revealed who they really are behind all the make up, over-processed hair, plastic titties, fancy cars, and fat bank accounts.

The show title was a bit of a misnomer for Lauri, who was a single working gal who did not live in the gated enclave of Coto de Caza. She was no housewife. Oh no. That gurl had to earn her own money to pay the mortgage on her Mission Viejo condominium, and she had deal with her wayward children without the benefit of a helpful husband.

That is until she met George, a Republican land developer who showered Lauri with expensive gifts and lavish trips. Although you could tell that Lauri was trying to act nonchalant about her new beau and his vast income, you could tell that her spine was tingling and her skin was all goose fleshed when she thought about how much easier her life was going to be when she married George. We're not saying she's a gold digger, or that we blame her for thinking or feeling that her financial struggles were soon to be over. But come on now. How could a single mommy who sells insurance not be dazzled and drawn to a knight in a shining Ferrari who bought her a Mercedes and a big diamond ring just a few months after meeting?

Those of you that watched the program will recall that shortly after meeting Georgie boy Lauri moved into his sprawling house and let her daughter Ashley live in this condo on her own. That set up caused a lot of friction because Ashley did not maintain the condo as nicely as her mother had asked. Now that the condo is up for sale, we imagine poor Ashley has been booted and has to work to pay rent somewhere else in Orange County. Or maybe she moved in with George, too?

Your Mama really has such venom and bile for these sorts of condo developments in Orange County. We recognize that people need affordable places to live in Orange County, but we just find these cookie cutter developments to be depression inducing vortexes of "wish we had more money" mentalities. Of course, that's a generalization and not everyone in an Orange County condo aspires to live in Coto de Caza. But let's be honest, how many of those people paying $600,000 for a condo in Mission Viejo actually WANT to be living in a condo in Mission Viejo?

Lauri purchased her condo only in September of 2004 for $500,500. Which means that after fees she won't be making much money, but that doesn't really matter much anymore, does it?

And what does Your Mama think of the condo? We're sorry to say, but it's just another Orange County shrine to beige and banal interior design. Beige, beige, everywhere beige. We see the green couches, but they're just lost in a sea of beige. What's with all the damned beige? We're not saying the walls would be better painted red or orange, but all this beige is just so unimaginative and mind numbing, and, well, beige.

Your Mama would also like to note the small teddy bear on the bed in the master bedroom. We don't know whether this belongs to Lauri or to Ashley, but whatever the case it makes Your Mama's skin crawl to see a teddy bear sitting on grown up woman's bed. Ladies and gurls, Your Mama is of the opinion that as soon as Aunt Flo starts to visit, it's time to put the Barbie dolls and teddy bears in cold storage. Just as when the hair begins to sprout under a man's arms, it's time to put the GI Joe and Hot Wheels in the attic. Seriously, it's not cute. It's not. It's weird.

FYI: Vicki Gunvalson is selling her house also, and, according to many, many people, Slade Smiley has moved up to Los Angeles and his Coto house went into foreclosure. Could that be true?

Sources: Bravo TV,

Salvator Xuereb? Who?

BUYER: Salvator Xuereb
LOCATION: St. George Street, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $915,000 (purchase price)
SIZE: 1,974 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Classic Spanish with charm and character in Franklin Hills / Los Feliz. Lovingly preserved, this beautiful home retains many original details popular to the 1920s era. Features include; wood floors, formal entry, sunken formal living room, formal dining, breakfast cove, built-ins, fireplace, original picture windows, basement bonus room, large yard, new landscaping, bolted foundation, copper plumbing, automatic sprinkler system and so much more.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Yesterday Mister Big Time wanted to know who purchased the fairly modest house on St. George Street in the Los Feliz section of Los Angeles through an entity called The Queen Street Trust. The answer is...drum roll please...the house was purchased by a gentleman named Salvator Xuereb and his wifey, writer Nikki Toscano.

No babies, we did not know who either of those people are either until Lucy Spillerguts, one of our cohorts in digging up information, sent us a link to the man's acting resume on IMDB. Mister Xuereb, whose name we think is pronounced Shoo-rebb, may not be a household name, but since the early 1990s he certainly has appeared in a lot of television programs one or two times. Which is sorta sad, right? Somebody, please, call Mister Shoo-rebb and give him a regular gig on a television show. He's good looking, knows his way around a set, and he's got two kids and a wife to feed. And now he's got a mortgage to pay. Somebody. Call him.

The Spanish style house is really quite charming and lovely and while it's not what we've come to expect from the rich and famous, Mister Shoo-rebb is not rich and famous, so this house seems totally appropriate for a barely working actor and his writer wife.

Mister Big Time was skeptical of the "large yard" that was noted in the listing, and the photos above show just how large, or small, the yard really is. You decide. Big or little?

Your Mama appreciates that original detailing remains intact on the property and there are plenty of happy making features, such as high, coved ceilings, a fireplace, and proper entry way that make it a house in which Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter would be comfortable. We don't cotton to the big houses much (the idea of a live in or daily maid to clean a huge house makes our skin crawl), so the modest size works for us. Of course, we'd prefer electronic drive gates, a big view, and a swimming pool in a neighborhood a little farther West.

Sources: Internet Movie Data Base

Hold On To Your Britches...

OWNER: Leonard Ross
LOCATION: N. Beverly Drive, Beverly Hills, CA
SIZE: 6.25 acres, 4 houses comprising 72,000 square feet and 29 bedrooms

According to an article in today's Los Angeles Business Journal, a palatial Beverly Hills estate has come to the market for the obscene and vertigo inducing price of $165,000,000. Yes, children, that is one hundred sixty five million clams. Which makes it by far the most expensive home currently on the market in the United States.

The estate, located on N. Beverly Drive, comprises 6 acres and 72,000 combined square feet of living space in the four residences and features 29 bedrooms, three swimming pools, two tennis courts, a caretaker's apartment, and a security cottage at the bottom of the drive. The "Beverly House Compound," as it's known in local circles, is thought to be the largest compound in Beverly Hills.

Originally built in the late 1920s for Milton Getz of the the Union Bank and Trust, the vast property was once owned by newspaper tycoon William Randolph Hearst and his mistress Marion Davies. According to a press release put out by the listing agents at the venerable Westside Estate Agency, the house also served as the headquarters for the Kennedy Presidential Campaign West Coast. The press release also states that John F. Kennedy and Jacqueline Bouvier spent part of their honeymoon on the estate.

The current owner, financier Leonard Ross, has owned the resort like home for the last 31 years. You can read more about it over on Curbed, which we think may have posted this information before we did yesterd, but honestly, we didn't see their post until this morning. Credit where credit is due.

Source: Los Angeles Business Journal

From Fields, to Boozer, to Prince, to Weiner...

OWNER: Russ Weiner
LOCATION: Sierra Alta Way, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $8,600,00 (purchase price)
SIZE: 17,983 square feet, 10 bedrooms, 13 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Celebrity estate! Gorgeous, gated hilltop villa up long private driveway, great indoor/outdoor flow for entertaining, stunning entry w/ sweeping staircase, walls of glass, breathtaking panoramic city to ocean views; limestone & marble, 30' ceiling in Liv. Rm.; huge master w/ projection screen + his & hers baths; elevator; excellent security features; ballroom/projection rm; indoor racquetball ct; champ n/s tennis court; pool & spa; 2-story 5 bed/4 bath guest house.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: After we discussed heiress Nicky Hilton's recent home purchase, there was a lot of email and chatter in the comments section about the large and vulgar house a couple doors down the street. So we thought we'd answer the cry for information about who owns this house and what happened when his highness The Purple One leased the placed back in late 2005. We were able to piece the story together and provide a few photos by the good graces of a couple of Your Mama's favorite tipsters, Mugsy Fairweather and Our Fairy Godmother in Bel Air.

The house sits just up from Sunset Boulevard and sprawls over three lots and 17,184 square feet of interior space with 10 bedrooms and 13 bathrooms. We can only assume these numbers include the 5 bedroom and 4 bathroom guest house. Exuberantly designed with curved colonnades and intricate wrought iron balustrades, we think the house aims to be elegant in a new fangled sort of way. Of course, Your Mama thinks it's just a big tacky house that would make the perfect Los Angeles crash pad for the sexually ambiguous lion tamers Siegfried and Roy.

Alright then, let's start back in the year 2000 when Mister Ted Fields purchased the property in an all cash deal according to property records. Lucky Mister Fields, a very successful film and music producer, also happens to be an heir to the Marshall Field's department store fortune.

Although property records are unclear as to the date, the house was later sold to Carlos Boozer. All you sports fans know that the unfortunately named Mister Boozer gets paid big bucks to play professional basketball for the Utah Jazz, another unfortunately named entity. Anyhoo, sometime around September 2005, Mister Boozer leased the large and flamboyant house to high-heel wearing rock star Prince for a reported $70,000 per month.

Well don't you know that Prince, egomaniac that he his, went and made unauthorized alterations to the house that included painting the exterior of the house with purple stripes, one of those stoopid symbols The Little Purple One used as his name a few years back, and the numbers "3121," the name of the album he was releasing at the time.

But The Little Purple One did not stop there. Oh no. He had the carpet in a downstairs bedroom removed and replaced with black carpeting. Apparently, he also removed baseboards and cut a large hole in the wall, presumably to run water pipes to the beauty salon chairs he installed. Because you don't get to looking like Prince looks without a team of make up people, hair dressers, and a couple hours in one of those a beauty chairs that spins, tilts, and twirls.

You think that would be enough, but it was not. The Little Purple One also had the carpet in the master bedroom removed and replaced with purple monogrammed carpeting Your Mama presumes the new carpeting was monogrammed with that ree-dick-u-lus symbol.

Now babies, we do not need to hear from all your Prince fans who want to tell us that he used that symbol in order to get around using his name because of legal issues resulting from a dispute with his record company. We know the story. But a symbol? Please. Could he have chosen anything more pompous and irritating?

Carlos Boozer began legal proceeding over the alterations, but he and The Little Purple One came to terms before the courts were forced to deal with such tawdry celebrity nastiness. Shortly thereafter, his highness in high heels moved on and Mister Boozer sold the house.

In September of 2005, along came another unfortunately named gentleman named Russ Weiner, who along with being the son of right wing radio wing nut Michael Savage, is the creator of the Rockstar energy drink. See where all the money you spend on those silly energy drinks ends up? Mister Weiner, who is having some trouble unloading another of his Hollywood Hills houses, paid $8,600,000 for the house that includes an indoor racquetball court, gymnasium, an elevator, a monstrous ballroom/projection room, and more than half a dozen terlits that require a small army of maids and gallons of bleach to keep scrubbed and shiny.

Obviously this is not the sort of house about which Your Mama has very many kind things to say. So rather than squeal and scream for an hour about all the hideousness, we're simply going to recommend that Mister Weiner remember to put on a lotion with high SPF content so that he does not cook himself like a Thanksgiving turkey in that sky lit kitchen.

Sources: Mugsy Fairweather, Fairy Godmother in Bel Air, The Smoking Gun

The New Digs of Jamie Kennedy

BUYER: Jamie Kennedy
SELLER: Philippe Naouri
LOCATION: N. Vermont Street, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $2,275,000 (list)
SIZE: 2,342 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: New Master Closet. Fashion designer Philippe Naouri brings his sense of style and aesthetic to this modern residence situated minutes from Griffith Park. The flexible living area merges seamlessly with dining and kitchen spaces. A sliding glass partition separates the living area from the family or media room. The organic indoor/outdoor movement of the space makes for homogeneous design experience. The pool, hot tub, fire pits, koi tank and private gardens evoke the character of a chic hotel.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Back on the 15th of June Your Mama discussed the colorful and poorly decorated house that funny man Jamie Kennedy was selling over on busy and loud N. Fairfax Avenue. According to a well placed source, the house, which was listed at 1,099,000, had multiple offers and sold for more than the asking price.

As we suspected, Mister Kennedy has gone out and bought himself and new, improved, and house. This time around, Mister Kennedy chose the Los Feliz neighborhood. A little tipster we'll can Bunny Blabbermouth tells Your Mama that Mister Kennedy will soon be closing on a 3 bedroom, 3.5 bathroom contemporary house just around the corner from Fat Actress Kirstie Alley and the former home of Gwen Stefani which is currently owned by Mark Brazill.

Modest in size by celebrity standards, the house was purchased from the LA-based French fashion designer Philippe Naouri. Do ya'll know who Monsieur Naouri is? He is one of the designers of Antik Denim, which of course is an apparel company that designs and fabricates a high-style rock star worthy demin clothing line that is sold to rich and "fashionable" skinny bitches at very high prices. Remember back in the day when Levis were the only game in town and they cost $18 bucks for a perfect pair of 501s?

Anyhoo, Monsieur Naouri purchased this house in January of 2006 for $1,960,545. Property records indicate he purchased the house from Paul Guez, who happens to own and run the parent company of Antik Denim. After closing on the house, it appears the next thing Monsieur Naouri did was call up Design Within Reach and order up one of everything to fill the house with very new looking modernist furniture pieces. We got the Eames molded plastic rocker ($399), the LC4 Chaise Lounge in cowhide ($2,915), the Eames La Chaise ($8,430), a Barcelona couch ($9,454), and a Nelson Marshmallow Sofa ($2,825, extra for the white vinyl). Then he called up Hive Modern for what's not available at D.W. R. and ordered up a couple of Eero Aarnio Ball Chairs ($5,625 each) and half a dozen Eero Aarnio Pastil Chairs to float in the pool ($1,463 each).

Your Mama has no idea if Monsieur Naouri is responsible for the redesign of the house and the jigsaw puzzle-like swimming pool layout. But if he is, we are thinking he's losing his shirt on this house. Think about it, the denim czar paid just under $2,000,000 for this house. Even if Mister Kennedy is paying full price for the house there won't be much left over after the big real estate fees and etc. to cover renovation costs.

The interior architecture takes after the W Hotel School of Design where we see open spaces, glossy ebonized floors, white walls, and brushed nickel accents. Nothing wrong with this look, but it's a wee bit tired in today's world.

As for all the mid century modern furniture? Don't get Your Mama wrong, we like mid century modern furniture as much as the next design freak, and we jumped on the mid century modern furniture craze in the mid 1990s too. In fact Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter have a Knoll two-seater with the original fabric in our bedroom, a Noguchi coffee table in the living room, and half a dozen white Panton chairs around our dining room table. But they are mixed in with furniture from other eras and you would never mistake our home for a mid century modern museum. But too much mid century furniture is simply too much.

Now of course, one does not usually buy the furniture along with the house, so let's move on to the issue that most concerns Your Mama about this house.

That's right, it's the swimming pool area that has our skin goose pimpled with fear and anxiety. This backyard area looks like something in a flashy and trashy boutique hotel in South Beach that is desperately trying to compete with the bigger name hotels on Collins and Ocean Avenues. The lighting is over-dramatic and confusing to the eye balls, and the canals and bridges, while inventive uses of space, just make it difficult for the old, infirm, and/or drunk to navigate safely. Who needs Grandma Moses falling into the canal after she's had a few too many martinis? Mark our words children, this pool and patio area is a backyard BBQ tragedy waiting to happen.

It is Your Mama's opinion, and it's just our opinion people, that the designer of this backyard has done flooded the car with too much of a good thing. It's like the old adage that says when a lady gets dressed she ought to look in the mirror and take at least one or two items OFF before leaving the house. There is just no need to wear every damn diamond one owns in order to make a statement. Do you know what we're saying children?

Even still, this house is a huge step forward for Mister Jamie Kennedy and we desperately hope he's not going to be bringing that futon over from his old house on Fairfax to clutter up this house. Happy house Mister Kennedy.

A Little Real Estate Pornography

LOCATION: Pyramid Drive, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $1,675,000 (List)
SIZE: 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: NEW PRICE for this stunning adobe-style Spanish located on quiet street yet minutes from everything. Chef's kitchen opens to dramatic 2-story living/dining area. Master suite has its own living room, bath and patio with lovely views. Cozy den, 2nd luxurious bath, guest bedroom and office/3rd bedroom complete this unique home. Charming outdoor space, with large pool-like spa and patio, provides wonderful setting for both solitude and entertaining.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Children, we have a confession to make. We have grown weary of looking at celebrity houses about which we have little or nothing good to say. So Your Mama wanted to bring ya'll a little taste of the sort of house that floats our boat. Babies, this house has Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter calling the bankers and reaching for our pocketbooks. Seriously. That upstairs patio off the master bedroom is the perfect place for our bitches Linda nad Beverly to sun their long bodies, and we're over the moon about the ceiling in the circular living room.

We realize you don't come to our little blog to see houses without a celebrity connection, so we found a house that we love AND has a celebrity connection. No, the house is not currently owned by a famous person. But it was. Property records for this house puzzle and confuse Your mama, but what is clear is that at one time the house was owned by Seann Scott, an actor with questionable sexual preference who rose to fame in the American Pie movie and has gone on to act his fanny off in low-brow comedies like Dude Where's My Car, The Dukes of Hazzard, and upcoming films like the naughtily named Mr. Woodcock and Coxblocker.

Anyhoo, Your Mama likes this house so much that we're not going to make pithy commentary other than to say, job well done to the current owner for his eclectic and personal decor. It's refreshing to see a house that doesn't look like someone else besides the home owner picked out all the furniture, artwork, and knick-knacks. Oh, and we'll also say, that while we love Jonathan Adler too, there are several too many Adler pillows up in this house.

Sources: Internet Movie Data Base, Defamer

Rod Stewart's Brobdingnagian Beverly Park Behemoth

OWNER: Rod Stewart
LOCATION: Beverly Park Terrace, Beverly Hills, CA
SIZE: 4 acres, 18,794 square feet, 8 bedrooms, 13 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Settle down children, spiky haired and gravelly voiced singer Rod Steward is not selling his massive Beverly Hills house. But we have a few photos of the interior that we thought we'd share with ya'll so that you could see the lavish and opulent old world grandeur in which the aging rock star and his various children live.

The gargantuan estate occupies 4 acres in the uber swank, guard gated community of Beverly Park. Anyone who reads this blog already knows that Your Mama has an unhealthy obsession with Beverly Park. An obsession that goes so deep that we have compiled a comprehensive list of the occupants of every address in the development.

Mister Stewart and his third wifey, Penny Lancaster, live in one of the more celebrity heavy sections of Beverly Park, with neighbors such as reluctant baby daddy Eddie Murphy, Jami Gertz, Martin Lawrence, Sylvester Stallone, Paul Reiser, and mega rich octagenarian Sumner Redstone, who single handedly attempted to bring down the career of creepy Tom Crooz. If anyone were to ask Your Mama, and of course no one did, we think the Crooz family should live up in Beverly Park. Given Crooz's security concerns and need for significant square footage to house the family members, nannies, and Scientology minders that live with TomKat and TomKitten, a 20,000,000 square foot mega mansion in Bev Park might be just the thing.

Anyhoo, even though Mister Stewart often states he has six children, there are actually seven (Sarah, Kimberly, Sean, Ruby, Renée, Liam, and now Alastair) by five women. How rock star is that? The first born, Sarah Streeter, was given up for adoption 42 years ago and apparently father and daughter don't have very friendly relations. The newest Stewart, Alastair, was born in November 2006, which means that sixty-something year old Mister Stewart will need to be pushed in a wheelchair in order to attend the child's college graduation. Of wait, that's right, despite daddy's vast fortune and ability to pay for the most expensive schools, his children, none to wisely, have opted out of attending university in exchange for dating aging rock stars with large appendages and acting a complete fool on reality television programs.

Anyhoo, we're not here to discuss the total disregard for higher education of the Stewart clan, not to mention heaps and hordes of Hollywood scions who forgo a formal education, but rather Your Mama is here to discuss the tremendous house in Beverly Park where the Stewart children have grown up surrounded by gazillions of dollars worth of antiques. To be honest, Your Mama did not know what to expect from the interior decor of Mister Stewart's big yellow house in Beverly Hills. What we did not imagine was that he'd be living up in a house decorated like that of a old school Park Avenue doyenne or a rail thin, Chanel clad San Francisco society bitch.

Your Mama is breathless at the sheer drama and faux nobility of this distinctly American palace. Obviously Mister Stewart is a pretty cultured guy, or at the very least, his team of decorators are pretty cultured, but we can't help but wonder how it is that a man who places no expectations of higher education on his children desires to live around objects and artworks that clearly require a more educated and trained eye to appreciate.

Personally, we find the house a bit frightening and more like hotel than a home. We cringe at those regal red drapes in the room with the red furniture, we're puzzled by all the busts and statuary, and the complex carpet patterns strain our eyes and make us dizzy. Your Mama is totally freaked out by the painting in which a big scary bird seems to be swooping in on a nekkid baby as if to feed on it's nubile young flesh.

There appear to be so many living rooms in the house, we count four in the photos, that just choosing a room to enter and occupy must take enormous amounts of brain power. And quite frankly, none of them look like the sort of place one could sit around in worn out underpants eating ice cream and watching the distressing but strangely compelling Dancing With The Stars.

Deep in the recesses of our failing memory, Your Mama remembers watching an episode of MTV Cribs where they visited Kimberly, the Stewart daughter who is reportedly screwing around with Tommy Lee, and about whom we are shocked to learn is 28 years old. Twenty eight? Good grief, by her juvenile behavior we expected her to be 22. Max. Anyhoo, at the time Miss Kimberly was living in the guest house of the estate. Absent a steady income and ability to pay her own tab at Kitson and Fredricks of Hollywood, Your Mama imagines she's still there. Anyone know the scoop there?

Listen, Your Mama does not begrudge Mister Rod Stewart his big house in Beverly Park, or even the over the top decorating scheme. To each his own when it comes to spending money on housing and decor. But Rod, sweetie, you still have a few young children that you can instill with the responsibility of wealth and the importance of a solid education. If after college Ruby and Liam and the rest want to vomit on national television or expose their hoo hoos to the tabloid photographers, so be it. But at least they'll know a little something about the extensive collection of art and furniture you're one day going to leave behind.

Sources: NY Post, Female First, Socialite Life, D Listed

Nicky Hilton Heads for the Hills

BUYER: Nicky Hilton
LOCATION: Sierra Alta Way
PRICE: $2,995,000 (list price)
SIZE: 4,072 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 4.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Elegant traditional located in prime Sunset Strip location. Wonderful floor plan w/ spacious living rm, formal dining rm, gourmet kitchen with huge island, 4 ovens, roomy pantry & built-in refrigerator. Dramatic master suite w/ 2 huge closets & 2 master bathrms. All rooms lead to an enchanting outdoor area with pool, waterfall, fireplace & huge yard. Additionally there is a family rm/den, gym & sauna! Large circular driveway w/ plenty of parking !!

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Paris Hilton isn't the only Hilton heiress on the move. While the tabs and blogs are full of reports about the Malee-boo beach house that the newly spiritual blond ex-con rented for the summer, sister Nicky Hilton quietly purchased her own American dream in the Hollywood Hills just above Sunset Boulevard.

Now all you bitter bitches out there are surely saying to yourself that it must be nice for the Hilton sibs to have a mommy and daddy who buy their spoiled children multi-million dollar houses. At the risk for looking like a Hilton apologist, which we are decidedly not, Your Mama is not so sure Rick and Kathy wrote the check for Miss Nicky's new house.

Like it or not, Nicky Hilton works. On a few occasions, the socialite heiress and Fashion Institute of Technology drop put, has walked the runway for the fantastically freaky Heatherette boys. The self described "handbag freak" designs a line of handbags, although Your Mama could not tell you what they look like or where to buy one. And fairly recently, with Sister Paris as her partner, she developed her own line of clothing called Chick by Nicky Hilton. Apparently "Chick" was a childhood nickname. Or at least that's what the PR people are saying.

And then, last year, the brown haired Hilton sister famously tried to get into the family business. There was a good amount of hoopla and press about the younger Miss Hilton opening a chain of boutique condo-hotels called Nicky O (her middle name is Olivia). The first one was scheduled to open in late 2006 in South Beach, of course, and the idea was to have big name fashion designers like Roberto Cavalli, Betsey Johnson, and the Heatherette homos decorate the suites. But alas the project went South, the developer went bankrupt, and Miss Nicky has stopped yakking to all the press about her hotel projects.

Say what you will about her banal clothing line, ugly purses, and failed hotel endeavors, but the behawtcha gets paid big bucks to "develop" these projects, whether anyone buys them or not. So the short of the long of it is that Miss Nicky Hilton more than likely has plenty of her own money to buy a multi million dollar house in the Hollywood Hills.

Your Mama hears from one of our well informed sources that Miss Nicky only closed on this house in the last few days, which means the records haven't cleared and we aren't able to reveal what she paid for the property. We were, however, able to get our greedy and fat fingers on the listing for the property which tells us that the asking price for the house was $2,995,000.

Although we enjoy the eclectic and spare nature of much of what we see (i.e. big windows, dark floors, white walls, the yellow bed cover in the bedroom, and the orange and magenta colored rug causes Your Mama to swoon with delight), the decor in the photos above is that of the previous owner. So don't go knocking the younger Miss Hilton for that threatening statuary in the entry hall, which would scare the piss out of Your Mama coming home from a late night at Le Deux, or those upsetting, and most assuredly very expensive, mint colored poufs in the living room.

Sitting on a tree shaded lot just North of Sunset Boulevard, the 4,072 square foot house includes 3 bedrooms and 4.5 bathrooms. Two of those bathrooms are located in the master bedroom, which means that Miss Nicky and current beau, Hollywood scion David Katzenberg, will have some bless-ed privacy when they perform their morning ablutions.

According to the listing, the large kitchen has four ovens. Count 'em. One, two, three, four. Your Mama is quite sure Miss Nicky is capable of multiple feats of amazement, but using four ovens at one time is probably not one of her many skills and talents. Of course Your Mama can only hope that Miss Nicky has the good sense to remove that silly pot rack before one of Sister Paris' hair pieces get caught up in there resulting in a hair disaster of the highest magnitude.

Your Mama is pleased to see that the house has a nice circular drive, because let's be honest, Sister Paris and her hair extensions will surely be visiting on a regular basis and she just can't be trusted to put her Bentley in reverse any more. Sorry dear.

A quick scan of the photographs tells us Miss Nicky is going to be faced with some serious landscaping bills. All the jungle foliage, green grass, and the precision clipped hedge are going to need significant effort, and somehow Your Mama does not think Miss Nicky knows how to operate a lawnmower or successfully wield a pair of hedge trimmers.

Your Mama has some mixed feelings about the swimming pool. We appreciate the dark color but we know deep in our hearts those boulders that form the back wall are fake boulders and that causes us no end of agita.

Your Mama expects Miss Nicky will forgo a nice gay decorator in favor of working out her own interior design ideas. We do hope for the best, but after seeing a few snaps of her handbags and clothing line, we're a little skeptical.

Sources: Luxist, Hotel Chatter, People, Dotspotter

Raquel Welch Sold House to Dr. 90210

SELLER: Raquel Welch
BUYERS: Robert and Hayley Rey
LOCATION: Hutton Drive, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: around $4,500,000
SIZE: 6,217 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 5 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Today we have a special house to discuss which is located way up in the wilds of Benedict Canyon in Beverly Hills. What makes this house special you might ask? Well, the property was both sold and purchased by folks who qualify as a certain type of celebrity. Back in 2005, Dr. 90210, Robert Rey, and his wife Hayley purchased this home from aging sex bomb Raquel Welch. Now babies, we know 2005 was a very long time ago, but we're going to discuss the house anyway. So if you don't want to read old news, go read something else.

Miz Raquel Welch rose to fame in the 1960s wearing a fur bikini, and then solidified her place in the lexicon of sex pot celebrity by having her photo snapped wearing revealing bathing suits, teeny bikinis, and, of course, her ability to twist herself into a pretzel.

Miz Welch, who in her youth won beauty pageant titles such as Miss Contour and Miss Fairest of the Fair, has spent the latter part of her career appearing on various television programs including 8 Simple Rules and Central Park West. The auburn tressed sex symbol also earns big bucks hawking wigs. BIG bucks.

Back in 1997, Miz Welch purchased this house from redneck comedian Jeff Foxworthy. Unfortunately the property records we are able to access do not indicate what Ms. Welch paid for the 6,217 square foot, 5 bedroom, and 5 bathroom house.

What is clear is that in mid 2005 Miz Welch put the house back on the market for $4,900,000. Then along came Dr. Robert Rey and his whiny wifey Hayley who purchased the property in October of 2005. Again, we can't confirm the exact price, but it appears they couple paid around $4,500,000 (Mister Big Time, can you help us with that?).

All you reality television fans know exactly who the good doctor and wifey Hayley are. What the rest of you should know is that Doctor Rey is a Brazilian born, publicity hungry Beverly Hills plastic surgeon with very thick arms who cuts people open and shoves saline bags into women's chest all in the service of building female self esteem. Yikes. Despite the perfectly round melons on her chest, stay at home mommy/wife Hayley is so skinny she makes pin thin Nicole Richie look downright fat.

The photos above show the house as it looked when Miz Welch had it on the market. Does it surprise anyone that the decor was high drama? There are really so many issues we could discuss with this house and decor, but in the interest of time and space, we're going to just choose two.

1. The umbrellas in the living room. Did the roof leak Raquel hunny? Were those to protect the beige sofas from water dripping on them? Didn't anyone every tell you that it's bad luck to open umbrellas indoors? Not to mention that it just looks silly.

2. The recliner in the master bedroom. We are quite sure the not so young Miz Welch needs a nice comfortable place to rest her weary bones, but a beige recliner? Seriously Miz Welch. We can live with the leopard print carpeting in the bedroom (and the living room), but we can not abide a beige recliner. Because it does not matter how weary your bones or significant your need for comfort, a beige recliner is never, ever acceptable. Ever.

We'll let the children take over and pick this place apart because Your Mama is plum tuckered out.

UPDATE: Michael "The White Lady" Jackson

We have another update on the whereabouts of Michael "The White Lady" Jackson.

Even though the MJ spokesperson, Raymone Bain, recently stated that the Jackson family is looking for a vacation property on the East Coast, an article in today's Las Vegas Herald, the Jackson clan has moved into a Las Vegas property that belongs to Prince Jefri Bolkiah of Brunei.

The article says the house is worth $60,000,000, which seems like an awful lot of money for a house in Las Vegas regardless of how much gilding there is on the terlits. The sprawling complex, pictured above, covers 16 acres and includes a reported 100,000 square feet under roof, a main house that looks appropriately like a casino, a private parking lot, tennis court, at least three swimming pools, and what appear to be 5 large guest houses as well as staff quarters.

The White Lady's new neighbors are said to inlclude Andre Agassi, freaky magician David Copperfield, and the even more freaky Siegfied Fischbacher, who lives in an outlandish mansion with a resident pride of lions.

Only in Las Vegas.

UPDATE: Michael "The White Lady" Jackson

Get ready kids, because here we go, following the tragedy that is Michael Jackson all up and down the East Coast while he looks for a place to live.

According to a July 4th article on Forbes.com (via Perez Hilton), the Jackson family has come to the East Coast looking for a vacation home in Maryland. Maryland? Whaaaaat?

According to The White Lady's spokesperson, a Miz Raymone Bain, Jackson is drawn to the East Coast because, "He's always admired the properties on the East Coast because they have a lot of land. Neverland has 3,000 acres - he likes privacy. You can't find as many properties like that on the West Coast."

In the same article on Forbes, Miz Bain, who probably gets paid in sequins and epaulets, states that The White Lady is the "head of a vast corporation." Hmm. Does anyone besides Your Mama think it's a little odd that the head of a vast corporation RENTS rather than buys?

But you know what hunnies? Michael Jackson has done cooked his goose, so it's not his disturbed ass that concerns Your Mama, but those three lily white blond children of his. When they get a little older they should call up Kelsey Grammer's kids and form a support group for children with rich, famous, and peripatetic parents.

Ya'll should trust Your Mama when we say that this Michael Jackson story can only end in tears.

Sources: Forbes, Perez Hilton

To All the Children...

Your Mama is taking the day off. So sit tight and be patient. We'll be back with more jaw dropping properties tomorrow.

Bye now.

Michael Jackson Has Left the Building

RENTER: Michael "White Lady" Jackson
LOCATION: S. Monte Christ Way, Las Vegas, NV
PRICE: $1,000,000 (reported)
SIZE: 16,461 square feet, 6 bedrooms, 7 full and 3 half bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Oh dear jeezis, hide the children because The White Lady is on the move again. After Michael Jackson's 2005 run in with the government, which resulted in a trial and acquittal over suspected child molestation charges, the one time King of Pop has been hot footing it about the globe looking for a place to call home.

In June 2005, The White Lady gathered up his three children, Paris, Prince I, and Prince II, and fled Neverland, his long time home/amusement park in the Santa Ynez Valley just north of Santa Barbara. Somewhat improbably, the family headed straight to the Middle East where it was reported they were hosted by Sheik Abdullah bin Hamad Al Khalifa, who happens to be the son of the King of Bahrain.

Then in June of 2006, The White Lady gathered up the children, put veils over their heads and decamped to County Cork, Ireland where they shacked up at Castlehyde, the lavish country home of kooky river dancer Michael Flatley.

The bogs of Ireland must not have agreed with the Jackson clan, because just six months later, in December of 2006, The White Lady once again gathered up the children and moved the family to scorching hot Las Vegas. The family leased a 16,461 square foot mansion on Monte Christo Way, about three miles due West of the famed Las Vegas Strip. Reports always say the house has 10 bedrooms, but property records indicate the house has 6 bedrooms. Your Mama has no idea why the difference.

It was reported that The White Lady was lured to Las Vegas by a friend, Sin City entrepreneur Jack Wishna, who hoped to engineer the return of "one of the greatest entertainers of all time." Some reports say The White Lady wanted to launch a big Las Vegas spectacle in the vein of Celine Dion's extravaganza. Apparently, there were also plans to introduce slot machines featuring his image. Now really, people, think about it. Who wants to sit their fat asses down in front of a slot machine covered in photos of Michael Jackson's worked over white lady face? Seriously, think about that.

Anyhoo, Raymone Bain, the long time PR princess for The White Lady, recently acknowledged to Norm Clarke, who writes the Vegas Confidential column for the Las Vegas Review-Journal, that Michael Jackson was in fact moving from the big house on Monte Christo Way. Miz Bain, always one to mince words, claimed the family was moving due to "concerns that security wasn't sufficient," that she was not aware of any plans to leave Sin City, and, surprisingly, insisted that Jackson had no plans to become a Las Vegas entertainer. Too bad, because as Your Mama sees it, that's really all that's left for the once relevant and talented, now broken down troubled singer/songwriter/dancer.

Whatever the case, Miz Bain stated that The White Lady and his family would be vacating the Monte Christo Way mansion before the 30th of June when his $1,000,000 lease expired.

That was last week. Where, oh where, has The White Lady gone?

Sources: The Las Vegas Review-Journal (via MKTKOP), Us Magazine, MSNBC, Vegas Popular,

Mario Testino Follows Ricky Martin

BUYER: Mario Testino
LOCATION: 40 Bond Street, New York, NY
PRICE: close to $6,300,000 asking price
SIZE: 2,637 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: According to the Wall Street Journal, famous fashion snapper Mario Testino has signed a contract to purchase one of the Herzog & de Meuron designed condominiums at 40 Bond, a swanky and expensive Ian Schager building located in New York's NoHo neighborhood.

The children may remember that some time back Your Mama discussed this building after learning that Puerto Rican singer Ricky Martin signed a contract to purchase a condo in the building.

According to the WSJ, Mister Testino, who hails from Peru, and Mister Martin, whom we like to call Señor Cha Cha, will own similar apartments, each with 3 bedrooms and 3.5 bathrooms.

Your Mama has to wonder though, whose apartment is on top?

Sources: Wall Street Journal, CNN, 40 Bond

The K-Fed Cribs

You are some kind of lucky children, because today Your Mama has a Kevin Federline double whammy for you. Not only will we discuss the Tarzana house he rented after he was booted (or fled, depending on who you ask) from the Malee-boo mansion he shared with tawdry tartlet Britney Spears, Your Mama got the inside scoop from our trusty cohort Lucy Spillerguts on the house where the wannabe rapper recently moved.
RENTER: Kevin Federline
LOCATION: Vanalden Avenue, Tarzana, CA
PRICE: reported to be around $7,000/month
SIZE: 6,300 square feet (approx.), 5 bedrooms, 4.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION:Featured on HGTV "Celebrity Home" (famous celebrity lived in) Tuscan style private gated estate. Many custom details & superb workmanship. Travertine, granite, Venetian plaster throughout. 5+4.5 plus large bonus room, theater/gym, office, living room, family rm, 5 fireplaces, gourmet kitchen, large closets, "lavish master suite w/ retreat. Fireplaces, steam shower & walk in closets," pool, spa & built-in BBQ, 4 car garage.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Back in December of 2006, Mister Britney Spears needed a place to live. Brit Brit, the fickle former pop star who was yet to implode, was still living in their Malee-boo mansion, and she was making it tough for the wannabe rapper to get his game on with the floozies who were ringing his phone off the hook after hearing he was single and soon to be rich with a wad of dee-vorce settlement cash.

So, over the hill to Tarzana the baby daddy of four went, where he leased a newly renovated house on Vanalden Avenue. It was in front of this house in mid-February that poor Britney's screws all went loose. Gurl had had enough, and went all kinds of crazy screaming at the paparazzi and beating her umbrella on the windshield of a paparazzi-driven SUV. Then, frazzled and agitated, she jumped in her car and high-tailed it to a nearby hair salon where the poor thing shaved her head as bald as her hoo-hoo. Remember that children?

Anywhoo, the current owner of the property, a real estate agent, purchased the house in April of 2004 for just $750,000. A major renovation was completed in 2006 and the house is currently on the market at $2,589,000. An article in Star Magazine, via a blog called Team Kevin, claims the estranged huzband was paying $7,000 a month to lease the house on Vanalden, a number Your Mama can not otherwise verify.

We do not have much to say about this beige, beige, BEIGE!, run of the mill San Fernando Valley McMansion that offends every architectural sensibility we have. Lahwd children, there are some ugly houses in the world. Honestly though, it's not the exterior that is so troublesome to our eyes. It's the interior with all that oatmeal colored carpet, the oatmeal colored Travertine, and the oatmeal colored walls with the wood window trim. Your Mama does not even eat oatmeal, so we certainly do not want to live up in a 6,000 square foot bowl of the paste-like breakfast food.

Sources: Star Magazine (via Team Kevin), Socialite Life

RENTER: Kevin Federline
LOCATION: Avenida Oriente, Tarzana, CA
PRICE: More than you think he could afford to pay.
SIZE: 6,826 square feet, 7 bedrooms, 8.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: This magnificent Tuscany style estate, two years new, offers luxury, comfort and breath taking views of the El Caballero Country Club golf course. Beautiful secluded location in the Monte Verde Estates.. 7 bedrooms, 8.5 baths. Gourmet kitchen with stainless Wolf/Sub-zero Appliances. Climate controlled wine cellar with glass door. Niles sound system.Six stations throughout the house.Listen to different devices in different rooms.. Golf course view in the back of the house. Exterior fire place and television, water fountain, infinity pool with waterfalls and fountains.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: While we really have no idea why Mister Kevin Federline moved from the Vanalden house, we did get the 411 from our cohort Lucy Spillerguts on where the white rapper recently moved. And it's just across town to another Tarzana McMansion. Your Mama surmises that in the lexicon of Tarzana McMansions our Mister Federline has in fact upgraded his crib. Here's why:

1. The house is larger. According to listing information, the Mediterranean style house measures in at 6,826 square feet and includes 7 bedrooms and 8.5 bathrooms. Interestingly the property records filed with the city show 10 bathrooms. Not sure why the difference. All we can say is that we hope Mister Federline is earning enough money to pay a gurl to clean all those terlits each week.

2. The neighborhood is gated. The house sits in a small, gated development that borders the El Caballeros Country Club. No guard at the gates, but at least it'll mean not having a few dozen paparazzi knocking on his door and buzzing the security every time Brit Brit gets a new weave or eats lunch at a fast food restaurant.

3. The house is more expensive. The house is currently on the market for $3,200,000, considerably more than the Vanalden house. Your Mama is unclear whether Mister Federline is leasing or purchasing this house, but from the information we have gathered from our sources, it appears to be a lease.

The house is currently owned by a real estate agent who purchased the property in May of 2004 for $2,254,000 and we Imagine that Mister Federline is paying a substantial rent to offset the mortgage for the owner. In fact, we'd bet our fat booty that he's paying even more than he was at the last house.

Your Mama heard through the grapevine that Allison "Allie-J" Joyce, the gal who is sometimes referred to as his "agent" and sometimes as his girlfriend, is also living at the Avenida Oriente house. Your Mama can not confirm this people, so it is GOSSIP and not gospel. Know the difference. Anyhoo, there seems to be some debate about whether they are coupled or if it's a bizness relationship. Who knows? Besides, only Brit Brit and her attorneys prolly care.

One does wonder how our Mister Federline can afford to lease lavish homes at high rents. Your Mama does anyway, don't you? We know he makes money for showing up at clubs in Las Vegas and Miami, but seriously folks, how often are people paying this guy to show up at a club? Because let's face it, K-Fed isn't even on the d-list with Kathy Griffin.

Your Mama hears from an often well informed source, whom we'll call Manny Motormouth, that Federline is just biding his time until the dee-vorce papers get signed. Motormouth tells Your Mama that the reports of Federline getting just $1,000,000 are simply untrue and claims that the white rapper turned town an offer of $17,500,000 and will, very quietly, get more than $20,000,000 from his none too stable and soon to be ex-wife. That is unless the fading pop star can convince Fed-Ex to give it another go. Just more gossip and rumor children, gossip and rumor.

Whatever the case, Your Mama is quite sure that Mister Federline is just waiting around, leasing houses, until the dee-vorce decree is signed and he gets his big fat settlement check, whatever amount it may be. At that point we imagine he'll contact some sweetheart of a real estate agent with a narrow waste and wide breasts who will sell him yet another Tarzana McMansion that he can do up pimp style with Britney's money.

Sources: Lust Hunt, CBC, MTV

Wilmer Valderrama: Valley Boy

SELLER: Wilmer Valderrama
LOCATION: Calvin Avenue, Tarzana, CA
PRICE: $2,250,000
SIZE: 4,822 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Gated "Celebrity" estate on large flat lot (23,329sf) with tennis court, pool, pool house, jacuzzi, & gym. Beautiful curb appeal with circular driveway. Home does need updating. Prime Tarzana location. house is vacant (guest staying at house) & easy to show.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Is it just Your Mama, or does it seem a little odd to all the children that Wilmer Valderrama, who has a reputation for screwing starlets, lives in Tarzana? Yesterday we learned from the doyenne of celebrity real estate Ruth Ryon at the Los Angeles Times that Mister Valderrama has recently put his Calvin Avenue estate on the market for $2,250,000. According to Miz Ryon, the Venezuelan actor has already decamped to another Tarzana estate, and Your Mama can tell you the new place is on Wells Drive.

Now, Your Mama can sorta understand American Idol judge Randy Jackson living on a big estate in Tarzana. And we can certainly understand Kevin Federline trying to save some dough and sock away some of Britney's money by living in a house in Tarzana. But Wilmer the man-ho?

Do not misunderstand Your Mama or get us wrong. We are not hatin' on the Valley, and Your Mama does not want to receive an onslaught of hate mail from all you Valley dwellers who wouldn't dream of living on the other side of the hill. But given Wilmer's persona as a pussy loving conquistador, we always imagined him living near the hot spot cloobs in some glassy and over-sexed house in the Hollywood Hills filled with black leather furniture, drawers full of condoms, and a jacuzzi with a view of the twinkling lights of Los Angeles.

Your Mama has a tough time stomaching that idea Wilmer has been out there saying things like, "Hey baby, why don't you come back to my big suburban faux Tudor house in Tarzana where we can get to know each other better?" What is even more upsetting and perplexing is that it seems that just about every perky breasted wannabe ack-tress is more than happy to head out to Tarzana to show Wilmer her perky breasts.

The 70s Show actor, who often sports tight pants that show off his thick legs and big basket to maximum effect, purchased this house in February 2003 for $1,250,000. Which means this is the house where he lived during his torrid and dramatic 4 month romance with teen queen Lindsay Lohan. Lawhd hunnies, imagine if the walls could talk?

The listing states the house needs updating, and from the photos, we'd say so also. The house may have a lot of the accoutrement that well to do families enjoy, such as the swimming pool and tennis court, but it just looks so damn un-sexy for a 20-something single guy like Wilmer.

We are mortified by the beige carpeting in the master bedroom and the Home Despot ceiling fan has us clawing out our eyes. Your Mama is not surprised to see a home gym up in this house so that Wilmer could take every spare opportunity to keep the pectorals pumped and the bubble booty firm and high. As for the kitchen, we are simply confused by this space. The white cabinets are fine, as are the grey counter tops that look like they might actually be Formica. But the tile floor looks like something out of a cheap hotel in Bermuda.

This mock Tudor house, and the new one over on Wells Drive in Tarzana, is far from the the only properties this 27 year old real estate mogul owns or has owned in the San Fernando Valley. We'd recount them here, but Your Mama is just too damned lazy, so head over to Mister Big Time's blog where he has a thorough, long, and exhaustive list of all the properties Wilmer has bought and sold since he got rich acting his brown bubble butt off on the television.

Your Mama has just has one more thing to say before we sign off and head out into the gorgeous weather. Wilmer, hunny, you are a rich young man. In addition to your television riches and your budding real estate empire, you also co-own three restaurants and a oversee a soon to be released line of men's clothing. So please, Your Mama begs you, take some of that money you earn and hire yourself a nice gay decorator to do up your new house. Seriously.

Sources: LA Times, Big Time Listings, NY Post, Who's Dated Who, Socialite Life,

Ted Danson and Mary Steenburgen Put Their Malibu Colony House on the Block

SELLERS: Ted Danson and Mary Steenburgen
LOCATION: Malibu Colony Road, Malibu, CA
PRICE: $18,5000,000
SIZE: 2,963 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 5.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Situated in a gated enclave on one of SoCal's most coveted beaches, this recently remodeled (2002) 5 bed, 5.5 bat retreat excels at entertaining. Open, yet intimate conversation areas, bathed in light, define the 1st floor living areas. Sparkling ktch w/TOL appliances & ample storage space. The ocnfront mster incs. romantic f/p, sun deck, walk-in closet & luxe bath area, each addtn'l br features custom finishes & bath areas w/waterworks tile & fixtures. Spacious 2nd flr family/gathering/ofc rm. Rare!

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Not only are we going to stay in Malee-bee this morning, Your Mama is going to stick with another cast member of the Cheers juggernaut. Lawhd children, we should all be so lucky to have a piece of the syndication rights of Cheers. For many years before and after the show came to an end, the re-runs could not be escaped on the boob-tube. Your Mama recalls a time not so long ago when we could not turn on the television without seeing that depressing basement bar in Boston.

Ted Danson, the over sexed ladies man owner of the bar, has long since moved beyond his role as Sam Malone on Cheers, and has had starring roles on Ink, a program Your Mama has never heard of, a long stretch as a bitter doctor on Becker, and most recently on Help Me Help You, where he plays a pompous psychiatrist with a lot of issues.

Danson's wifey is the Oscar winning actor Mary Steenburgen, who manages to work a lot without becoming food for the tabloid grist mill. See babies, it really is possible to be a successful and famous actor who lives in Los Angeles and not have the paps tailing you all the time as you speed down Sunset Boulevard on the way to Kitson.

Anyhoo, back in 1999, a few years after the couple married, they sold an ocean front house on Victoria Point Road in Malee-boo to actor Michael Madsen who recently lost the house in foreclosure. Wig wearing Ted and Miss Mary parlayed that investment into some prime Malee-boo real estate in October of 2000 when they purchased another ocean front house in The Colony, the unfathomably expensive guard gated enclave of the rich and famous.

The property records we access to do not indicate what amount they paid for the property. However, we do know the house next door sold at just about the same time for just over $4.7 million. So we can all sleep well at night knowing toupé Ted and Miss Mary will make millions on the sale of the house, which is currently listed at a mind altering $18,500,000.

For those not familiar with The Colony, the houses are smashed up next to each other on narrow and tiny lots where windows sometimes look into the windows of the neighbors' houses. Think about it. Even with clever landscaping and hedging, living in The Colony means paying $18,500,000 for a house that is so close to the next house that you might be able to see your middle aged, fat ass neighbor with a hairy back slathering cocoa butter on the 22 year old hussy with plastic boobs that he picked up the night before. And really, who needs to see that?

According to the listing information, the house underwent a renovation in 2002 and the the results are clearly stunning. Now children, the decor here is decidedly not what Your Mama would do with an ocean front house in The Colony, but it's tough to beef with what appears to be excellent taste.

The casually elegant interiors do in fact look put your feet on the sofa comfortable, but we do imagine the maid goes nuts trying to keep those glossy wood floors from getting scraped and scratched from sand tracked in from the beach.

Although we don't care for the topiary in the living room or the county style table and chairs in the family room area, we pee our pants with glee over the long, long kitchen. The all-white kitchen with the subway tile looks pleasingly antiseptic and appropriate for a room where one pounds tenderloin and beats eggs. The 72" Viking range has us screaming at the top of our lungs with envy. The Dr. Cooter and Your Mama got a Viking too, but not one as big as a Cadillac like we see here.

The property records indicate the house is just under 3,000 square feet, but looking at the pictures and the listing, which states there are 5 bedrooms and 5.5 bathrooms, it's tough to believe the accuracy of that number.

The Danson / Steenburgen duo also own a large house on S. Burlingame Avenue in Brentwood. The 6,718 squre foot, 5 bedroom, 5 bathroom house, purchased in May of 2002 for $3,657,5000, is not the only house on S. Burlingame Avenue the couple has owned.

In in September of 1998 the couple bought 162 S. Burlingame Avenue for $3,525,000 but quickly sold the 8,000+ square foot in May 1999 for $3,623,500. And in December of 2005, they sold the 5,509 square foot house at 226 S. Burlingame for an undisclosed sum of money. The couple appears to have purchased that house in October of 1995 for $2,995,000.

The powerhouse acting pair also have a couple of houses on Martha's Vineyard. Property records indicate they have owned one of the houses, which measures 3,935 square foot, 5 bedroom, 4.5 bathrooms, since at least 1998. Then in May of 20o2 they purchased the house next door for $3,850,000, presumably for privacy and family use.

Your Mama hasn't a clue where these two will buy next, but we can't imagine after years of owning ocean front homes in the area that they'll stray too far from the sacred sands of Malee-boo.

One More Kelse and Cammy House

OWNERS: Kesley and Camille Grammer
LOCATION: Serra Road, Malibu, CA
PRICE: $4,5000,000 (sale price in 1998)
SIZE: 4.77 acres, 6,645 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 6 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: For some reason Your Mama has become a little fixated with the real estate empire of Kelse and Cammy Grammer. First we discussed the Bel Air house they recently sold to Salma Hayek, and then the Beverly Park mega mansion they sold in early 2006 for $22,000,000. Today we will discuss their Malibu estate, a property the couple have owned nearly ten years. Which must be some sort of record for the constantly on the move couple.

Tucked way back in the guard gated Serra Retreat, the Grammer's Malibu house is hardly a beach shack. In fact, it's a combination of a large Beverly Hills estate with an old school Malibu horse property. Property records indicate they paid $4,500,000 for the house in April of 1998.

A little birdie in Malee-boo remembers that back in 2005, the couple put the house on the market for $17,995,000. Apparently a buyer was indeed located, but as Your mama understands, the Grammers bailed out of the escrow because they decided they didn't want to sell after all. If they had, the lucky in real estate duo would would have quadrupled their money in just seven years, which seems both extremely lucky and criminal at the same time.

On the other side of the electronic gates, a long curving drive sweeps the classically trained actor and his long time trophy wife past a 9-stall barn with office, a dressage ring, lighted tennis court, and a large and exuberantly landscaped lily pond before depositing them in front of one of the two large houses on the property. Unfortunately we don't actually know the Grammer's, so we have no way of knowing whether the family uses one of the residences and house staff in the other, or if they use both, or if one acts as a guest house.

Whatever the case, property records indicate the main house contains 6,645 square feet, with 4 bedrooms and 6 bathrooms. Which Your Mama thinks is a wee bit small for a Grammer house. However, an older listing Your Mama was able to locate indicates there are actually 9 bedrooms and 12.5 bathrooms on the property. Now that sounds more like it, because let's face it, the Grammers are real estate size queens. They prefer them BIG. B.I.G.

Your Mama understands from our Malee-boo tattler, that this retreat is an oft used house by the Grammers ,who are "very polite and nice" people. It always warms the cockles of our heart to hear about big name celebrities who don't act like arrogant and entitled assholes or buh-heena flashing prima donnas.

Ya'll may recognize the Serra Retreat as the same community that weave queen Britney Spears and her desperate for publicity ex-huzband once lived in a kind of wedded bliss. The estranged couple have been trying to sell their old love nest for quite some time. But alas, no takers yet. One of our real estate contacts in Los Angeles once told us the place was a tough sell due to the taint of the one time love birds.

Anyhoo, the Serra Retreat community of Malee-boo crawls with the rich and famous, but don't any of you nut cases get any stoopid ideas about driving out there hoping to catch a glimpse of any of them. The farthest you'll get is the guard gated entrance just off the Pacific Coast highway where you'll be unceremoniously rebuffed and turned around.

Given that Kelse and Cammy are moving house in Bel Air, we don't expect they're put this place on the market any time soon, but one never knows with these two, so Your Mama will keep our eyes peeled and ear to the ground.