Another of Kelse and Cammy's Big Houses

SELLERS: Kelsey and Camille Grammer
LOCATION: Beverly Park Lane, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $22,000,000 (sale price)
SIZE: 17,831 square feet, 8 bedrooms, 12 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: This magnificent, new Italian villa is reminiscent of one of the most renowned European villas built in the 16th century. This unparalleled new residence has been execute din the grandeur of an old world manor. One of the most exciting properties from every aspect, uncompromising quality construction and one of the finest in craftsmanship have all come together to create a dream come true in residential living. Situation on over two level acres in the premier guard-gated enclave of Beverly park.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: After discussing the Bel Air house that Mister and Missus Grammer recently sold to Salma Hayek and her baby daddy Francois-Henri Pinault, we couldn't resist looking backward at some of the Grammers' former homes. So this morning we bring you the hotel-sized house they called home from January of 2004 to January of 2006.

According to property records the couple purchased the home for the spine tingling price of $17,500,000. A house this large and lavish requires a team of decorators and the Grammers more than likely spent an additional million clams to furnish the behemoth. Think about it hunnies, these people did not need one sofa, or even two sofas, like most people. No sirree bob, you can bet they needed 12 or 16 sofas, twice as many chairs and dozens of end tables.

Located in the uber exclusive and celebrity laden community of Beverly Park and sprawling across 17,581 square feet (19,040 according to the listing), the house was built in 2003 to resemble a 16th century European villa. Your Mama is quite sure there is nothing but the finest materials up in this house and we're quite sure that only top-notch, highly paid, and super skilled craftsman were used to lay the floors, cut the marble, and stack the stones.

Now children, Your Mama is no stranger to luxury and we know as many rich people as the next person, but none the less we have a hard time understanding how someone can feel comfortable surrounded by this sort of opulence. Not to mention feel comfortable surrounded by the vast number of people who must be on the property at all times just to keep the place functioning and looking pretty. There is the house manager, the house keeper, the butler, the cook, the driver, 2-4 maids, the laundress, the pool people, the landscapers, the fix it guy, the personal trainer and yoga guru, the assistants and the assistants to the assistants. It disturbs and depresses Your Mama to think of the payroll associated with this house. We can all be assured the monthly payout to staff is far more than most people earn in a year.

Because of the large assortment of staff on the property at all times, this is absolutely not the sort of house one comes home to late on a Wednesday afternoon to strip down by the pool, smoke a doobie and read Star Magazine. First the household staff will all whisper about it in the pantries and cleaning closets, and then they'll get in their Daiwoos and Kias and drive down the hill where they're going to tell all their family and friends how you like to sit nekkid by the pool smoking doobies.

So if anyone cares, and we know you don't, this sort of mega mansion is decidedly not how Your Mama would chose to live even if we did have the constantly rolling in residual checks that Mister Grammer has.

The house was listed at $25,000,000 and records reflect that the Grammers sold the place for an eye popping $22,000,000. Which means in just two years of ownership, they pocketed $4,500,000. Now how many times has Your mama told the children that one of the many ways rich folks get richer is buying and selling high end properties to other, even richer folks?

The ocean front house in Malibu that the Grammers purchased in 2001 is currently on the market for $13,450,000. Mister Big Time tells us the Grammers sold this house in 2004 for $8,500,000, but we are unable to verify that sale. In fact, a cursory look through the records we access indicates the Grammers may still own the house. But we defer to Mister Big Time's knowledge and expertise on the 2004 sale of this property.

As we mentioned in our discussion of the house the Grammers sold to Salma Hayek, Your Mama hears the Grammers will soon be moving to another Bel Air mansion that sits closer to Sunset Boulevard on Baroda Drive. We expect the maids will just finish getting the cashmere sweaters in the custom closets and the linens on the beds and the Grammers will call a staff meeting to let them all know they're moving again.

P.S. The house across the street is currently on the market for $34,000,000. Owned by the Coors family, who made much of the millions selling bad beer, the house has 17,826 square feet, and according to the listing, 9 bedrooms, 9 baths. Your Mama assumes there are elegantly designed and discreetly hidden beer taps in every room.

Sources: Big Time Listings, LA Times

Nanci Chambers and David Elliot in Brentwood

SELLER: David Elliot and Nanci Chambers
LOCATION: Travis Street, Brentwood, CA
PRICE: $3,250,000
SIZE: 3,276 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 4.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Elegant 5 bedroom 4.5 bath Traditional home has been beautifully renovated w/ a tasteful designer's touch. Gourmet kitchen that serves as teh focal point of the thome. Family room w/ oversized brick fp & buuilt-ins, an exquisite master bath w/ large closets & French doors from most vantage points. Open/airy & indoor/outdoor flow. 10,000 sq. ft. lot, manicured lawns, gardens & specimen trees & a raised spa that flows down a tranquil babbling brook.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Hunnies, did you watch that JAG program that was on the boob tube a few years ago? Your Mama did not, but it would appear that many folks did. We can't even begin to tell y'all what the program was about, but a quick look on the internet and we find that the critics saw fit to hand out lots of Emmy nominations,and three wins, to the program.

Two of the actors on that program, the good looking Mister David Elliot, and his wife, the good looking Nanci Chambers, are the owners of the Brentwood house we're going to discuss today. Naturally, Your Mama had never heard of either of these two, but another internet search tells us that the Canadian born Mister was included on People magazine's 50 Most Beautiful People in the World back in 1996, that he spent a couple of his early years honing his craft in Shakespeare plays, and he runs the Boston Marathon. For charity. Well isn't that nice? Your Mama believes in charity, we do, but we're not about to run around the damn block for charity, let alone run a distance that would take us across a state line.

The Elliot/Chambers house is located in a nice, non-descript section of Brentwood that sits in the morning shadow of The Getty Museum. The area is nice, it's Brentwood afterall, but seriously people, Your Mama is falling down with flabbergast and shock to learn that home prices top $3,00,000 in this lackluster part of town.

They used to say that a million bucks isn't what it's used to be. Well children, you heard it from Your Mama first, $3 million ain't what it used to be either. Lawhd children, most of the residences up in here don't even have backyard swimming pools. Which means that not only are you paying $3,000,000 for a house, but you gotta drag your flabby ass and loud children to the community swimming pool where you run the risk of contacting any number of foul diseases and where other parent-people will want to be your friend just because your children are playing in the pool together. Uhm, no. Your Mama would rather slip needles in our naughty bits than make play dates with Patty at the public pool.

Anyhoo, property records indicate that these Canadian bred television actors purchased their Brentwood house in October of 2002, which would have been towards the tail end of JAG's ten year run. Your Mama apologizes for not being able to bring you the actual sales price, but from the records we access, we're guessing they paid well under $2 million.

The house has been dressed up with a somewhat contemporary spin on traditional decor. We like the white sofas (we always like white sofas, don't we?), and the dark stained floors. We covet the George Nelson bubble fixture above the dining room table, but don't think that particular size and shape was the correct choice for the room. We might have chosen this one instead. Although we are not so fond of the traditional cabinetry in the kitchen, and the pot rack upsets us considerably, we do like the large size and layout. And of course we appreciate the Viking appliances, which were a solid and expensive choice, and we particularly enjoy the nice peaked and beamed wood ceiling .

Out in the back yard, an unusually shaped spa spills into a "babbling brook" lined with stones. Sorry kids, we did not include a photo of this feature, but it sounds lovely to have a babbling brook out back, doesn't it? Generally speaking the back yard has been nicely landscaped and the tree ringed property provides excellent privacy for sunbathing in the buff.

Here's the thing with this house as far as we're concerned: It's not a bad house for a suburbanish family house, and clearly the couple have sunk some dough into renovating the kitchen and baths. None the less, for three and a quarter million clams Your Mama wants electronic security gates and a heated swimming pool. No question about it. For that amount of money we want to feel insulated and protected from the wild and dangerous streets of Brentwood, and have a recreational oasis out back.

Even still, we're quite sure some well to do mommy and daddy will soon come along, see this house and think it's purr-fection precisely because it does not have a swimming pool. No pool means not having to worry about the nanny falling asleep on the job resulting in the demise of Junior and Juniorina.

Given that the good looking Mister Elliot has landed another television job on yet another program we've never hear of or seen (Close to Home), we expect the couple and their two children will be moving to a slightly less non-descript neighborhood and into a house with security gates and a swimming pool. At least that's what Your Mama would recommend.

Sources: Internet Movie Data Base

Vidal Sassoon's Precision Flip

Your Mama has received so many emails asking and begging that we discuss the Neutra designed house high in the hills of Bel Air that venerated beautician Vidal Sassoon has recently dumped on the market for a shocking $19,500,000.

So we're going to flip you over to RADAR where they've got the pix and sassy commentary.

What Your Mama wants to know from all you Los Angeles modernist house nuts is do y'all think this property is reasonably priced?

P.S. Your Mama does not think Mister Sassoon actually lived up in this modern masterpiece. He has long owned another modern house on Calle Vista Drive in Beverly Hills where his nearby neighbors include uber-agent Kevin Huvane, producer Jerry Weintraub, Miss Merv Griffin, as well as the house TomKat recently purchased for $32.5 million.

If You Can't Be Gisele, You Can At Least Rent Her Manhattan Penthouse

OWNER: Gisele Bundchen
LOCATION: West 11th Street, New York, NY
PRICE: $29,000/month
SIZE: 1,754 square feet, 2 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Fabulous FURNISHED Penthouse Triplex with gorgeous views of the Hudson River from all rooms with approx. 2500 sq. ft. planted terrace equipped with chef's professional grill and furnitures. There is also a hot tub/jacuzzi on the private roof deck. This residence with key locked elevator features 2 bedrooms, 2.5 baths, complete with drop dead river views on each floor with interiors done in a soft Brazilian style. It is furnished with flat screen TV's, A/V equipment, subzero fridge and has central A/C.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: This morning we're going to jump on the back of Braden Keil of the NY Post who writes in his Gimme Shelter column that Brazilian super model Gisele Bundchen is looking to lease out her West Village penthouse for the month of August for the Birkin Bag busting price of $29,000.

Your Mama knows ya'll are asking the same thing we are. Why? This skinny bitch's bank account is fat. F.A.T. So fat that she makes makes nasty tempered parolee Naomi Campbell look like a pauper. So it's not that she needs the money.

Besides, who gets top dollar leasing their fancy place out in August? in New York City? In August? Lahwd children, have you been to New York City in August? It's hot as Hades and the humidity sits so heavy on the air it's like breathing cotton. And do we even need to discuss the odors that assault people as they walk the streets? Think melting dog crap that people do not pick up because it's too much effort to bend over in the extreme heat, evaporating urine (canine and human), rotting garbage, and the disturbing body odor of strangers standing in line at the supermarket.

And trust Your Mama when we tell you that come August, people who are stuck in New York City are edgy and angry from the heat. Seriously, do not fuck with a sweaty New Yorker in August, because even a Junior Leaguer wearing Chanel sandals would sooner cut you than compromise over who is getting into the lone taxi cab on Fifth Avenue at 4:30pm.

Let's be honest, most with the means to afford a $29,000 monthly sublet flee New York City in August in order to escape the sweltering heat and humidity. Sure, Gisele's penthouse has more terrace square footage than most New Yorker's have indoors, but in August, who's going to be sitting out there looking at the Hudson River roll buy while rivulets of sweat stream down their humidity bloated skin? Seriously. In August, New Yorkers stay inside, air conditioning pumping, praying there isn't a blackout.

So while the terraces are lovely and the views are quite attractive, it's really the interior spaces that matter to New Yorkers in August. And unfortunately the only photos of the in-side of the penthouse are a couple of one of the somewhat ordinary poopers, which looks like a perfectly adequate, if a little dark, place to evacuate.

The triplex unit is accessed via a key lock elevator which will make all the security freaks out there feel a little safer. But Your Mama is far more concerned that the elevator service all three floors of the penthouse. Your Mama could not even consider paying $29,000 a month to huff and puff our prodigious backside up and down three flights of stairs day in and day out. That would be like being charged a huge some of money to have a coronary.

We're sure the leasing of this property has something to do with the fact that Miss Gisele recently purchased a townhouse in the once bohemian, now atrociously expensive West Village neighborhood of New York. Miss Gisele also recently sold her Los Angeles house for almost $4,000,000. That house, located on Devlin Drive in the Hollywood Hills, sits sugar borrowing distance from durty mommy to be Christina Aguilera's spectacular modern manse and the flip property that Fred Savage recently sold to billionaire Alfred Mann's daughter Cassandra.

P.S. To all the children who read this post earlier today, we apologize for the confusion and discrepancies.

Source: NY Post, Radar Online, Just Jared

The Fred Savage Trifecta: FLIP

Our third and final installment of the Fred Savage Trifecta will involve the Hollywood Hills house he purchased, renovated, and flipped.
SELLER: Fred Savage
LOCATION: Devlin Drive, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $3,500,000 (sale price)
SIZE: 2,520+ square feet, 4 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Architectural Digest quality Mid-Century on a major celebrity street. Gated glass & steel entry leads to a remodeled home w/ an open floor plan. Teak floors and walls of glass featuring head-on views from downtown to the ocean. Gourmet kitchen, great entertainment flow. Slate patios w/ 2 grassy yards & gorgeous landscaping w/ room for pool. 3 bd/3ba + a maids or guest suite. Major privacy behind gates, priced for immediate sale.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Back in February in 2006, Mister Fred Savage purchased this home up on celebrity laden Devlin Drive in the Hollywood Hills. It's unclear to Your Mama whether Mister Savage and his wifey Jennifer originally intended to inhabit this flat roofed modern, or if the intention was always to flip the property at a considerable profit.

We admit that the front of this house isn't all that compelling, but Your Mama thinks that may be a result of the photographs making the place look like an ordinary 1970s ranch house.

But get inside and we start to likey some what we see. Sure, the house is staged to within an inch of its life, but we confess to really liking the living room with its white sofas, sisal rugs, and the delicious teak flooring. The red blanket tossed across the bench can go and along with it, the black and white photo above the fireplace. The floor to ceiling wall of windows is blessedly without curtains. We can only hope the glass has been treated with a UV coating to protect artwork for the sun's harsh glare.

We'd toss the ugly photo diptych on the wall behind the dining room table, and in fact we'd swap the dining room set out for a black waxed farmhouse table with six or eight white Panton chairs. And we would hang a gorgeous chandelier. But otherwise, we like the dining area.

Into the bedroom and we are once again pleasantly surprised. The red rug works hard and successfully to ground the room and we appreciate the white fainting couch. Again, the blanket tossed on the chaise can go. So can the artwork above the bed.

Unfortunately the garage has been converted into a media room, which we're sure industry types appreciate, but Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter prefer covered parking for our fancy automobiles.

The outside areas are a mix between intimate and enclosed spaces juxtaposed with covered patios that take advantage of the wide and long views to downtown Los Angeles.

Neighbors to this Devlin Drive home include a few major celebrities such Christina Aguilera, who is rumored and reported to have purchased the Ozzy Osbourne home on Doheny Road, and Quentin Tarantino, who recently purchased his Devlin Drive home from super model and former Victoria Secret angel Gisele Bundchen.

Savage's flip house has also been occupied by a celebrity resident. In 2002 the house was purchased by former lezbian, club queen, and rock and roll widow Amanda Demme. Miz Demme has a notorious past working the door at some of New York City's hottest clubs, but more recently the velvet rope despot opened Teddy's (and Tropicana) at the Roosevelt Hotel in Los Angeles, named after her deceased husband, filmmaker Ted Demme. However in 2006, due in part to her extreme exclusivity and celebrity only door policy, she lost the contract to operate the clubs.

It may be that we're exhausted from typing our fingers to the nubbins on the Fred Savage Trifecta, but we have not been able to locate a purchase price. However, we can tell you that Mister Savage sold the house in November of 2006 for $3,500,000, which was $241,000 more than the asking price of $3,269,000. So clearly, Mister Savage made quite a bit more money than he planned.

Mister Savage sold the house to a gal named Cassandra Mann, whose daddy happens to be Alfred Mann, a billionaire entrepreneur and controversial philanthropist. We can only assume that Miz Mann is not fond of water and does not like to swim, because she paid top dollar for a house that does not include a swimming pool.

Who pays $3.5 clams for a house in Los Angeles without a swimming pool? Much as we like the interiors spaces of this house, Your Mama would not dream of coughing up a that much money for a house without a swimming pool.

The Fred Savage Trifecta: BUY

In part two of our Fred Savage Trifecta we will discuss the Hancock Park Meditarranean house he and wifey Jennifer recently purchased.
BUYER: Fred Savage
LOCATION: S. McCadden Place, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $3,050,030 (sale price)
SIZE: 3,944 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Walled & Gated. Very Private. Mediterranean-Spanish in Hancock Park. Tropical courtyard entry, 5 bedrooms (generous size) plus 3.5 baths. Sunken living room w/ fireplace. Large dining room. New kitchen w/granite & viking range. New systems. Pool w/ spa. Pool house has a full shower/bathroom & kitchen. Outdoor fireplace plus BBQ. This home is ready to move in immediately.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Given that our Mister Savage and his betrothed Jennifer had their Hollywood Hills house on the market, clearly they needed to go house hunting to locate a new home for their growing family. So down off the hill they came and into the relatively staid area of Hancock Park with its long, straight, tree-lined streets and row after row of large and well maintained Mediterranean style houses with manicured lawns.

There are parts of Hancock Park, near Larchmont Village, where the modest Spanish style bungalow prevails. There are also sections where properties have big ass mansions with electronic gates, swimming pools, tennis courts, and presumably, a myriad of household staff to take care of it all. However, the Savage family has moved to an area that is not quite starter home Larchmont Village, and not quite the swanky Hancock Park that lies just below the fancy Wilshire Country Club where you have to be a member just to look at their damn website.

The house is, however, located on the same block as the property that was used for exterior shots of Blanche and Baby Jane Hudson's house in the macabre and terrifying movie What Ever Happened to Baby Jane. Hunnies, it took Your Mama years to trust our Sister Woman after seeing that movie.

Anyhoo, the house was first put on the market at $2,999,000 and, according to listing information, was later reduced to $2,799,000. What's inneresting about those numbers is that property records show that in April 2007 Mister Savage paid a quarter of a million dollars OVER the last asking price when he plunked down $3,050,030 for the house, indicating there might have been some sort of bidding war. For THIS house? Your gotta be kidding, right?

Now children, the LA real estate market is still only for the wicked and the rich, but a few years ago it was like a white hot rocket where prices climbed astronomically over night and particularly aggressive home buyers were more than happy to beat down other folks to keep them out of an open house. But things have cooled somewhat, and it's becoming a little more unusual to see someone pay so much more than the asking price. All you LA-based real estate agents will correct us if we're wrong about that, we're sure.

The front of the Mediterranean manse is protected by a lushly planted courtyard filled with banana trees and palms which almost completely obscures the house from the street. Keep that in mind freakos. There's nothing to see by driving up and down McCadden Place looking for Mister Savage except a bunch of tropical plants. So Your Mama suggests all your Wonder Years fanatics keep your big fat booties planted in your corduroy recliners.

Inside, the house looks pretty ordinary. We hate to say this, because we're dying to like one of Mister Savage's properties. But unfortunately, it ain't this one. It would appear the house has some good "bones," and the tile work on the front stairs offers a certain kind of charming. And really, there's nothing terribly wrong about the house. But it just does not feel special to Your Mama, and special is what we're looking for.

While they are not the doing of the Savage clan, we are shaken and disturbed by the tapestry covered dining room chairs. Your Mama is heavin' and grievin' over those visual abominations which are an aesthetic mistake of the highest order. Your Mama demands punishment and retribution for making our eyes lay up on them.

We appreciate the outdoor fireplace and the detached pool/guest house, but we'd really need to get rid of that pool table with the Naugahyde cover. Naugahyde does have its place in the lexicon of style, but it most certainly does not belong on a pool table in this house.

So that we can end this on a positive note, we'll say that we do think the backyard looks like a nice quiet place to sun buns and sip Sazeracs by the dark bottomed swimming pool. One other positive note: we like the Viking dishwasher, but we do so wish the trash compactor made a matching set. Oh, there we go again getting bitter and angry over the banality of this house. Sorry dears. Better luck on Mister Savage's flip property up in the Hollywood Hills which we will be discussing next.

The Fred Savage Trifecta: SELL

We have so much Fred Savage real estate gossip coming at you that we have to split it up into three parts. The first will deal with the house he recently sold in the Hollywood Hills, the second part will focus on the house he and wifey recently purchased in Hancock Park, and the third section will discuss the Devlin Drive house he bought, renovated, and recently flipped for a substantial profit. So babies, we recommend you go get yourself a snack and a glass of water to sustain yourselves.
SELLER: Fred Savage
LOCATION: Hollywood Boulevard, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $2,249,022 (sale price)
SIZE: 2,756 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Hip contemporary home located just above the Strip. This home has stunning views from Downtown to the ocean. The living room has 20 ft. ceiling, walls of glass with views of the pool to the east and ocean views to the west. Also located on the first level is a cozy office with garden views and warm den facing the pool. On the second level are two master suites, one with views to the ocean and the other with views of downtown...very private.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Although the world remembers Mister Fred Savage as the somewhat geeky and confused Kevin Arnold on The Wonder Years, Your Mama is quite sure Mister Savage would prefer the world also remember him for some of his later and more recent television rolls on Working (late 1990s), Crumbs (2006), and Kim Possible (2004-2007). Your Mama has never heard of these more recent programs, so unfortunately for Mister Savage he is stuck being a pubescent pre-teen in our mind.

After The Wonder Years, Mister Savage had the good sense to use some of his earnings to pay for his matriculation at Stanford University where in 1999 he graduated with a degree in English. It warms Your Mamas heart to see a wealthy child star stay focused and get a proper education. Seriously, when is it going to be cool for the heirs and scions of Hollywood to be smart and educated like Mister Savage? When?

Not long after getting his degree and re-entering the television circuit, Mister Savage purchased this home in the Hollywood Hills. Property records indicate the former frat boy bought the house in May, 2002 for $1,400,000. The 2,756 square foot house is located up a shared and private drive way that ensures stoopid looky-loos and crazed fans will not be parked out in front of the house. It also happens to be very close to ex-convict Paris Hilton's Mediterranean house of horrors, and unfortunately, the most efficient way to get to this house is to drive right through the paparazzi throngs that often lie in wait in the bushes around Hilton's house.

In order to gain entrance to this house, one must walk by the swimming pool, which occupies much of what is technically the the front yard. What concerns Your Mama about this set up is drunk people. We love a swimming pool, but this particular pool would need to be roped off so that inebriated celebrity party pals like Misha Barton and Tara Reid do not fall into the pool and drown on their way to the front door. That would be a tragedy and a scandal which would only put a stigma on the property and decrease it's value on the open market.

The property being low in the hills means that it thankfully sits below the smog line most of the time, preserving the views to the ocean. As for the decor, well, we're not so impressed really. The den room with the chocolate sectional sofa, the sun burst mirror, and the red table lamp looks cozy. But what's with the country style coffee table?

The master bedroom clearly has the hand of a decorator all over it, with the trendy and new-fangled wall paper and the leather head board and matching bench at the foot of the bed. But the master bathroom? Jeezis, Mary, and Joseph, that is one ugly bathroom and it looks like something out of a 1970s soft porn film. And not in a good way either. We're not even sure that room is suitable for doing the dirty bizness, but for sure Your Mama would have to bathe and groom in that brown room with our eyes closed.

The kitchen looks fully functional and decently sized. And it appears that someone spent a lot of money in there on the glossy cabinets sometime the late 1980s or early 1990s. The room is open to the living and dining areas, loft style, which many seem to like. But Your Mama does not need to tell the children that we are not innerested in looking at the dirty pots and pans when we sit down to the dinner table so we prefer a kitchen that is it's own room. And the Venetian blinds? Good for modulating the light, but not so good bad for the eyeballs.

Originally priced at $2,649,000, the price was reduced to $2,499,000 before a buyer bit the bullet and paid $2,249,022 for the house n March of 2007. The profit is not stunning or remarkable particularly when you consider the money Mister Savage likely put into improving the house and the exploding market in Los Angeles, which has created insane profits for many home sellers who purchased in the early 2000s before the market when plum crazy.

Mister Savage and wifey Jennifer recently had a child, and we imagine that might have something to do with the sale of this house. While it's fine for a teenage child, it's not really equipped with the sort of back yard rich and famous folks like to provide their young children.

Next up, the Hancock Park home the Savage family recently purchased.

Salma Hayek and Her Baby Daddy Buy in Bel Air

BUYERS: Salma Hayek and Francois-Henri Pinault
SELLERS: Kelsey and Camille Grammer
LOCATION: Bel Air Road, Bel Air, CA
PRICE: $13,500,135
SIZE: 6,811 square feet, 7 bedrooms, 7 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: All the tabs and blogs have been reporting on Salma Hayek's purchase of the Bel Air Road mansion of perpetual house movers Kelsey Grammer and his wife Camille. Because of all the coverage, it's not really necessary for Your Mama to weigh in on the subject. But we're going to anyway. We can't help it.

Kelse and Cammy have become well know by real estate gossips for their constant buying, selling, and moving. The chef barely has time to stock the pantry before these two are calling the movers and having their shit schlepped across town. For a full run down on the Grammer's real estate run around, you should head over to Mister Big Time's impressive and long list of properties that have been bought and sold by this peripatetic pair in the last few years.

Your Mama confesses to a bit of anxiety about the Grammer's constant property shuffle. We don't worry so much about Kelse and Cammy, they're grown and know how to read maps. It's the two small children that have Your Mama breaking out in a cold sweat. The Grammer tykes have easily called four Los Angelese estates home in the last few years, and that's not even counting the family properties in Hawaii, the Hamptons or the farm at the Delaware Water Gap. What happens if one of these little Grammer children gets lost? What's the likelihood they're going to remember the address of the estate they're currently living? Poor things.

As far as we can tell, the big ol' house on Bel Air Road was not on the open market. But thanks to our Fairy Godmother in Bel Air, Your Mama was able to get our greedy little hands on a couple of photos. Now children, please note the photos above were taken before Mister Kelsey and his bleached blond wifey with the fake boobs purchased the home.

In early 2006, soon after selling their monstrous $22,000,000, 17,781 square foot house up in fancy-schmancy guard gated Beverly Park at a $4,5000,000 profit, the Grammers bought this house on swanky Bel Air Road from music executive Steve Drath. Property records show Kelse and Cammy paid $10,500,105 in February 2006 for the considerably smaller 6,811 square foot house with 7 bedrooms and 7 bathrooms. They must have felt down right cramped in this house compared to the hotel sized house in Bev Park.

Reports are all saying the Grammer's sold the house to Salma Hayek and her baby daddy Francois-Henri Pinault for around $20,000,000. An extraordinary and upsetting profit if true. Can a house in Bel Air really double in value in just one year's time?

It's no wonder preggers Miz Hayek would want a big house in Bel Air nowadays. The Mexican actress has long owned a modestly sized 2,874 square foot house on secluded Chelan Place in the Hollywood Hills that is unlikely to comfortably house a new baby, a nanny, and the super rich baby daddy.

Plus, if your baby daddy is Monsieur Pinault, he had better be buying you some impressively big digs up in Bel Air to house the family. For those of you not well schooled in luxury goods, let Your Mama educate you a wee bit on French bizness man Monsieur Pinault. The man heads up a company called PPR, whose subsidiaries include glitzy fashion houses such as Gucci, Yves St. Laurent, Alexander McQueen and Balenciaga. So you know this expecting behatcha has had some fierce maternity clothes custom made by the French couturiers, and baby Pinault will no doubt grow up with carte blanche expense accounts all up and down Rodeo Drive and the rue du Faubourg Saint-Honoré.

The Bel Air Road house is surrounded by some of Bel Airs most expensive and impressive estates including that of Robert Tuttle, car dealership owner and Bush Jr. appointee as Ambassador to the United Kingdom. Also nearby, Sandy Krause, heir to the Pep Boys fortune, the Joregensen's, who made their fortune selling metal tubes and rods, and the unnervingly large estate of Fresno-born billionaire Jerrold Perenchio, the Univision media mogul who was ranked as the 85th richest person in the world on the Forbes 400 list in 2006.

The 1930s era house occupies nearly an acre of plush grounds overlooking Bel Air and Los Angeles. Your Mama always finds it puzzling that a $20,000,000 property would not include a tennis court. Shouldn't all estates over $10 million include every recreational bell and whistle imaginable? For that amount of money we expect a house will not only include a tennis court, but a resident tennis instructor with a deathly difficult to return serve and strong and sensitive hands for our after-match massage in the pool house.

Given that Miz Hayek has owned the Chelan Place house since 1986, when property records reveal she purchased the house for $375,000 (our records somehow, oddly, reflect different specifics than those of Mister Big Time), Your Mama doubts she will sell the place. It just doesn't make sense to sell it. She can house her assistant there and let Monsieur Pinault pick up the landscaping bills.

As for the Grammers? Well, Your Mama hears they're getting ready to close on yet another pricy property. This time it's a 10,567 square foot, 5 bedroom, 6 bathroom estate located on Baroda Drive in the Holmby Hills, which they're buying from baking soda heir Michael Hammer.

Your Mama sincerely hopes one of the nannies thinks to shove a slip of paper with the address of the new house in the pockets of the Grammer children so the poor dears know where to go after school.

Sources: Forbes, Big Time Listings, Us Magazine, NY Post

An Orange County Housewife Cashes In

SELLERS: Donn and Vicky Gunvalson
LOCATION: Shire, Coto de Caza
PRICE: $3,750,000
SIZE: 5,400 square feet (approx.), 5 bedrooms, 6.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: None provided by the listing agent.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: All the reality television junkies out there will recognize this house as belonging to Vicky and Donn Gunvalson from The Housewives of Orange County program that played for two seasons on the Bravo. As you may recall from previous discussions, this show topped the list of Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter's television watching favorites. We could not get enough of these leather skinned and perky breasted rich ladies who struggled to keep their marriages and families afloat amid the suburban excesses of Coto de Caza, a gated community in the hills of Orange County, California, where even the teenagers drive brand new BMWs and Audis.

Vicky was the ditzy, driven, and exuberant control freak mommy who ran a very successful insurance company out of her house. Her website claims that bleached blondie is in the top 1% of agents nationwide, a very respectable achievement by any one's standards. Vicky also employed Lauri, another of the Housewives. That is until Lauri snagged herself a man with a Ferrari who bought her a Mercedes and no longer had to work to feed her naughty children.

Unlike Tammy's daughters, who seem to think they will be able to get by on their tanned skin and plastic boobies, Vicky and Donn's children are the only spawn of the Housewives bunch who had the good sense to let their parents pay for them to go to college. And don't even get me started on Jeana's baseball playing stud muffin of a son, his constant injuries, and questionable sexuality. We're not saying anything, we're just saying...

Anyhoo, now that the show is over and Vicky and Donn's children have flown the coop, the empty nesters have put their house on the market at $3,750,000, listed by none other than fellow Housewife babe and former Playboy model and ZZ Top video girl Jeana Keough.

The Gunvalson's bought the house in 2001 for $1,100,000 according to property records, so even if they have to accept considerably less than the asking price, they're looking at a couple million dollar windfall. Ka-ching.

Do we even need to tell the children that Your Mama would have to be paid $3,750,000 to live up in this gated community of rich white people? Seriously, are there any non-white people living in Coto?

As for the house? It's a mind numbingly ordinary, garden variety Southern California McMansion that has been decorated with expensive but cheap looking furniture. Because a nice gay decorator was not brought in from West Hollywood, the predominant color in the house appears to be beige. Beige. Just say that word a few times over in your mind. Beige.

The backyard swimming pool extravaganza is clearly the big draw for this house, particularly f you enjoy having a water park for a back yard. We've got a bbq center, water falls, spa, a grotto, and even a water slide that comes down through the boulders. Now, all the children know that Your Mama hates those backyard water slide abominations. Honestly. We do not want to hear from all the rich people with children and backyard water slides who think they're great. They're not. They're silly and ostentatious in the most middle brow sort of way. Call us a snotty snob. Call us child unfriendly. Call us jealous. Call Your Mama anything you want. But we are of the opinion that people should be publicly flogged for putting those things in their backyards.

Vicky and Donn have a weekend house at Lake Havasu where they visited a couple of times on the show. Lake Havasu is where the family turned loose and drank and boated. At the same time. Maybe they are going to move there to pursue a life of leisure? Could they be riding around in Jeana's Mercedes looking for a new mansion in Coto? Or maybe they're looking to downsize and move closer to the beach? Your Mama does not know, but wherever it is they land, we're quite sure it'll have a beige interior and be located in a gated community.

Suge Knight's Malee-boo Mansion

SELLER: Suge Knight
LOCATION: Rambla Pacifico Street, Malibu, CA
PRICE: $6,200,000
SIZE: 8,272 square feet, 7 bedrooms, 9.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Subject to Bankruptcy Court approval. Sold As Is. Addendum to accy all offers. Wide ocean views from luxurious rooms with soaring ceilings. Perched above La Costa and Carbon Beaches, this impressive gated estate was built in 2000 on a 6.79 acre Knoll top lot and is being offered with the adjoining 2.11 acres for a total of 8.76 acres. Parcel 4451-011-074 is a legal lot which can be developed as a separate home or build your family compound. Purchase price does not include any personal property

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: The saga of Mister Suge "Sugar Bear" Knight never seems to end. The Compton bred founder of Death Row Records, who reportedly has long standing ties to the scary-ass Bloods gang, became the king of the gangsta rap and thug culture heap in the early 1990s after signing and making stars of difficult to manage artists like Tupac Shakur, Dr. Dre, and Snoop Dogg.

Your Mama, not a fan of gangsta rap ourselves, first came to know who this Mister Suge Knight is when stories and rumors circulated in the tabs that he dangled that disturbing and angry proto-"whigga" Vanilla Ice off the balcony of a hotel. We don't know if that actually happened, but it's spine tingling to think it might have.

Anyhoo, Mister Suge Knights rap empire began to quickly fracture in the mid 1990s, after Tupac Shakur was gunned down on the streets of Las Vegas while riding in a car driven by Mister Suge Knight. Shortly thereafter, Shakur's rival Notorious B.I.G. (aka Biggie Smalls) was gunned down in a similar way. Although neither murder was ever solved, there have always been rumors and whispers that Mister Suge Knight was somehow involved. Now children, we are NOT saying he was involved, because Your Mama does not know shit about what's true with this stuff. What we're saying is that it is not hard to find reports that suggest he MAY have been involved.

Then there was the time when Mister Knight was shot in the leg at a MTV Video Music awards party in Miami hosted by Kanye West. Lahwd children, this gangsta rap world is no place for the meek, the mild, or the unarmed, is it?

Anyhoo, the senseless murders of Shakur and B.I.G. marked the beginning of the end of Death Row records dominance in the rap music bizness. It also marked the beginning of Mister Suge Knight's revolving door relationship with the Southern California prison system. Although the bearded and cigar smoking music mogul was in and out of prison several times for various reasons in the late 1990s and early 2000s, he still managed to scrape the cash together to buy this big Malee-boo mansion.

Even in April of 2002, when property records reveal that Mister Suge Knight purchased this mansion for $3,750,000, he had been desperately struggling to keep his financial ducks in a row for years. Circumstances became truly dire when he was forced to pay a million dollar settlement to a woman who claimed her prison living crack dealer husband co-founded Death Row Records and was therefore entitled to a 50% stake in the failing bizness.

The suit blew open the flagging finances of Mister Knight and Death Row Records, and was ultimately the nail the coffin of Mister Suge Knight's high flying pocketbook. Shortly thereafter, according to an article on The Smoking Gun, Mister Knight was compelled to file for Chapter 11 Bankruptcy, claiming he had $11 in his checking account, no income whatsoever, monthly expenses of about $30,000, and $137,400,000 in debt.

And this house in Malee-boo, of course. After some time of being tied up in bankruptcy court the property is being sold off to cover some of his massive debt. Even if the house sells at it's asking price it's just a drop in the bucket of Mister Suge Knight's staggering and overwhelming debt.

Located at the end of a long private drive off Rambla Pacifico, the house occupies a very private and choice promontory overlooking the sands of Malee-boo and the twinkling lights of the ocean front compounds along ultra exclusive and hideously expensive Carbon and La Costa beaches. Although we're not fond of the house itself, it's just a big non-descript mansion after all, we can understand why someone might want to live in this location. And we all now what they say about the first rule of real estate; location, location, location.

From the photographs, day to day maintenance on the house ceased a long time ago. Sadly, weeds fill the planting beds, the swimming pool has been drained, and the house has a sun scorched loneliness about it.

We can only hope some Richie Rich will by this forgotten house and massage it back into a glistening Malee-boo mansion.

As for Mister Suge Knight, well, it seems he's moving onward, forward, and upward. Reports say he's no longer pushing, marketing, or intending to glorify thug culture and has turned his sights towards a more humble lifestyle. Well, good for Mister Suge Knight. Your Mama truly wishes the man a more relaxed life, and we sincerely hope he never sees the barrel end of a gun again.

Sources: The Smoking Gun, NY Post, Karisable, Musician Guide, MTV

Eddie Murphy Has Got Troubles

SELLER: Eddie Murphy
LOCATION: Poughquag, Dutchess County, NY
PRICE: $5,995,000 (reduced from $8,995,000)
SIZE: 205 acres, 11,500 square feet (approx.), 5 bedrooms, 5.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Deep, clear 7+/- acre lake. Caretaker and Guest housing. Equestrian facilities. Tennis court, pool complex. Acre + zoning. Near proposed Town Center. Suitable for conference center. Pristine.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Poor Mister Eddie Murphy. Just when his career is hitting all the high notes with the success of Dreamgirls and Shrek, he gets slapped with a pesky paternity claim by another of those publicity hungry Spice Gurls.

First we had Posh, otherwise known as Vicki Beckham, who wreaked havoc on high end real estate agents all up and down the posh streets of Beverly Hills and Bel Air looking at every high priced estate on the market, formerly on the market, pocket listed, or possibly to come to the market. The gurl done wore Your Mama out reporting her comings and goings. Praise jeezis she finally chose a damn house to live in. We hear the family will be moving in very soon.

Then we got Scary Spice, also known as Mel B, who had the foolish misfortune of laying up in the bed with notorious lady killer Eddie Murphy and winding up with a baby on board. Well, Your Mama does not need to tell you that that Mister Murphy was having none of that shit. So he dumps the scary gurl on Dutch television, denies everything, tells anyone who will listen that it ain’t his child, and quickly gets himself a new lady friend without enough sense to stay away from trouble.

Nine months later, after much public squabbling, denials, accusations, and a court ordered paternity test, turns out Scary Mel was speaking the gospel all along. We expect she will soon be smacking the father of eight around the courts with gigantic child support requests.

But baby mama drama is not the only trouble Mister Murphy has. The comedic actor with a penchant for large and lavish homes is having trouble unloading two of his large and lavish east coast spreads. Now that Murphy mints money for movie makers, he lives primarily in his 18,598 square foot, 10 bedroom, 17 bathroom Beverly Park palace. As y’all know, the guard gated Beverly Park development is chock full of the famous and shockingly rich and Mister Murphy occupies a large corner lot next door to actress Jami Gertz and a few doors down from Rod Stewart and Martin Lawrence.

Some time back, Your Mama discussed Mister Murphy’s 5 acre, 25,000 square foot Englewood New Jersey estate, which goes by the name Bubble Hill. The white elephant of a property was first put on the market back in December of 2004 with a staggering $30,000,000 price tag. But a recent report by the NY Post’s illustrious celebrity real estate gossip Braden Keil tells us that the price has again been lowered to it’s current asking price of $19,500,000, almost half the original asking price.

In the same report, our Mister Keil tells us that naughty child denier Mister Murphy also recently lowered the asking price for his Upstate New York getaway, which goes by the name Clove Hill. According the Keil, the 205 acre property was first listed at $12,750,000, later reduced to $9,900,000 and then again recently to it’s current asking price of $8,995,000.

Clove Hill includes an 11,500 square foot house with five bedrooms and 5.5 bathrooms according to the listing information. Also on the property, a 7 acre pond, swimming pool with pool house, tennis court, movie theater, guest quarters, horse barn and, strangely, a game arcade. Imagine the number of people it takes just to keep this farm running. Those arcade machines need to be dusted, the tennis court swept, the swimming pool skimmed and the horse stall cleared out on a regular basis. Seriously, this is a huge expense for a property that probably gets used about as much as Queen Elizabeth visits India, which is not very often.

The interior of the house, which was built in 1972 according to the listing, has heavenly sky high wood ceilings and wall after wall of floor to ceiling windows for taking in the sweeping and bucolic views.

We imagine the lack of furniture and lighting is due to the fact that Mister Murphy no longer uses this property, and except for the big grand pie-ana, we see that Mister Murphy, more of musician that he is usually given credit for being, has left but a few pieces of furniture in the vast living room. The room is not without appeal, but it really does look more like a conference center in Colorado than a cozy living room.

Your Mama also notes the unusual addition of a second grand pie-ana in the master bedroom. Somehow we find this bedroom instrument really icky and disturbing. We can just see a nekkid Mister Murphy running his fingers over the keys and softly singing to a swooning celebrity fucking female who knows deep in her heart she this will be the last time Mister Murphy touches her bare skin.

The well appointed kitchen is, uhm, it’s well appointed and has a nice vaulted and sky lighted ceiling. Otherwise we got nothing nice to say about this room. Way too North Carolina furniture factory for our taste.

Naturally, Your Mama is concerned about the arcade gallery. Where in rural Dutchess County does one find an experienced and licensed fixer of Ms. Pac-Man?

As for the grounds, they are truly lovely, at least those we can see in the photos. Your Mama prefers a seaside location for a getaway home, but we are not so cynical that we are unable to appreciate the beauty of rolling farmlands, glassy pond water, curving fence lines, and pretty red barns.

We expect Mister Murphy will eventually sell both of these properties, even if he has to lower the prices even more. But he better sell them quick before Miz Scary Spice tries to get her paws on them. And she should go after one of them because, if you ask Your Mama, which of course no one did, we are of the opinion that the lady has more than earned a piece of Mister Murphy's real estate pie.

Sources: NY Post, Socialite Life, Perez Hilton, People

Welcome Aboard Mister Nico Santucci's Flip

SELLER: Nico Santucci
LOCATION: Mulholland Drive, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $4,500,000
SIZE: 5,107 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 7 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Modern Hollywood Mansion! This gtd compnd located atop the coveted Mulholland Dr prvds drmtic architect’l dtls to make this uniq hm perf for entertain. The spcs 5bd, 7ba, multi-lvl open flr-plan ofrs a media rm, “Milk Bar”, pl, indr spa w/ thtr, & btfl vus. The lrg mstr bd with direct entrnce to the pl features dual BAs, 2 w/in clsts & fp. This hm prvds security, prvcy, and is centrally locat w/ conven acc to the wstsde & vlly. This is a distinctive residence that stands out & makes a statement!

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Please join Your Mama as we tour the Beverly Hills house of Mister Nico Santucci. Before we begin the tour, Your Mama understands we will need to educate the children on who this Mister Santucci is, and why we would include his house in our line up of celebrity homes.

Although Mister Santucci is not a celebrity himself, he spends a great deal of time with high profile individuals and, based on his shameless self promotions, Your Mama strongly suspects that Mister Santucci would love nothing more than to be famous.

One of his more notorious pals is Miss Michael Jackson, the formerly handsome black male entertainer who has in recent years looked more like a not very attractive middle aged white female who has had too much work done on her face. According to a 2003 article in the Las Vegas Review-Journal, it was Mister Santucci who squirreled Miss Jackson from one hideout to another immediately after his arrest on child molestation charges. Miss Jackson was said to be, not surprisingly, disguised as a lady wearing an all black mourning outfit that included a veil.

Among his other endeavors, Mister Santucci, a slick and goateed Sin City restaurateur and entrepreneur, owns and operates an historic estate called The Parisian Palace, a 14,000 square foot mansion in a less than premium Las Vegas location. It is unclear to Your Mama whether Mister Santucci actually lives up in this parody of a house, or if it is meant to be some sort of tourist attraction. Or both. A 2006 article in the Las Vegas Sun reports that the gaudy and glitzy estate can be leased for $10 to $25,000. For one night. The 1+ acre grounds include a swimming pool, a bowling alley, a stripper bar, and more statues of Greek and Roman gods than one would ever care to be surrounded by. Only in Las Vegas, children, only in Las Vegas.

Anyhoo, let's come on back to Beverly Hills and begin our voyage through the Mulholland Drive house Mister Santucci recently put on the market. Although Mister Santucci lives primarily in Sin City, property records reveal that he purchased this house in July of 2006 for $2,780,000. We presume it was Mister Santucci, somewhat renown for his elaborate and eccentric designs, who oversaw the remodel of this home. Given the quick turnaround between his purchase and it being placed back on the market, we can only assume Mister Santucci is fickle with his real estate or this house is a flip venture designed to make a million dollars or more.

Children, before we enter the residence, Your Mama would like for you to take note of the helicopter parked next to the driveway. All properly outfitted homes in Beverly Hills should have a landing place for personal whirligigs, These tiny flyers facilitate a quick commute to Sky Sport & Spa and to Pinkberries all across Los Angeles. This feature also conveniently lets your neighbors, the FedEx delivery person, and the household staff know that you have a lot more money than they do.

Now babies, before we enter Nico Santucci's crystalline palace, we must insist there be no flash photography and that you remove your dirty shoos. We should not need to tell you that Mister Santucci's maid does not need to be on her hands and knees scrubbing your dirt outta his white carpets any more than she is already on her hands and knees working hard for Mister Santucci.

As we pass through the icy white front stair hall and into the main living lounge, we would like the children to keep in mind that, despite appearances, we are in a home and not a strip bar in Las Vegas. Your Mama kindly asks that you refrain from removing your clothing, rubbing your naughty bits on the furniture, or attempting to jam dollar bills into the cleavage of the cleaning gurls.

You'll note that Mister Santucci has thoughtfully included drink tables in the center of the white leather amoeba shaped sofas, which have been custom designed to replicate those often found in high end titty bars and brothels across America.

Let's move on through to the "Milk Bar" which includes a small bar area where guests can order top shelf non-fat, skim, or full fat beverages. You will not find any of that soy shit here, so do not even think about asking.

The newest feature in residences that have been designed for entertaining is the piano lounge. Mister Santucci has kitted his piano lounge with a snow white baby grand piano, providing the perfect perch for the resident chanteuse. The tented ceiling and walls, in dee-luxe white fabric of course, take the household staff the better part of a week to launder. The fabric has been meticulously and pain stakingly draped for maximum acoustic impact, and multiple small flat screen television sets hung throughout the room display lyrics for the weekly Thursday night hip hop sing along.

On to the kitchen, where you will note there are no counter top appliances, tableware, or food products to be seen. Mister Santucci maintains his slim figure by eating as little solid food as possible, so this kitchen has seen almost no actual cooking action in the last year. The full time chef is employed only to order and serve food picked up from the best restaurants in Beverly Hills.

Upstairs we find the bedrooms, some of which maintain the all white Las Vegas strip vibe, but others have a much more homey and cozy feeling as we see in the photograph. The four poster bed was chosen for its versatility and utility during fornication frenzies with ladies found in the better strip joints, night cloobs, and street corners around Los Angeles. However, as we move about the room, please beware the glossy floor as it can sometimes be slippery with fluids.

Lets take this tour out to the back of the house where you can see a distinct Miami Vice in Los Angeles influence. The multiple decks provide ample room for viewing the swimming pool shenanigans, and the large circular spa will accommodate several naked hussies with large and plastic breasts. If anyone is able to tell us what that speedboat like object in the lower left photo is, Your Mama will award you with a free glass of full fat milk from the milk bar.

This concludes our tour of Mister Santucci's glamorous residence. Please be sure to collect your shoos on the way out.

Stacy Keach Is On the Move, Again

SELLER: Stacy Keach
LOCATION: Park Marbella, Calabasas, CA
PRICE: $2,295,000
SIZE: 4,200 square feet (approx.), 5 bedrooms, 5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Across the street from the Calabasas Commons, brand new remodel in 2007. Beautifully designed home is 5 bedrooms, 5 bathrooms and approx. 4,200 sq feet. Open floor plan, light and bright, new bamboo floors, new windows, french doors, countertops, and appliances throughout, airy and exceptional amount of natural light. Breathtaking landscaping in both front and backyards, large 3 car garage, private and gated estate.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Yesterday we were contacted by Mugsy Fairweather, one of Your Mama's tipsters who always provides us with correct information about celebrity real estate. Mugsy called us to give us the 411 on hare-lipped actor Stacy Keach selling his house out in Calabasas.

Now, if the children will sit down and wander back into the recesses of your minds, y'all will recall that we discussed Mister Keach's previous house, a sprawling Mediterranean manse in Malee-boo back in early March. The Winding Way property was sold by Mister Keach to his brother James and his sister in law Jane Seymour, who renovated the place and currently have the property on the market for $11,995,000, a $1,000,000 reduction in price since we first discussed the property. At one point, it was rumored that troubled lip-syncher, vajayjay flasher, single mommy Britney Spears was looking to lease the place, but we have no confirmation that any papers were signed.

After the Prison Break actor and wifey Malgosia sold their Malee-boo manse, they moved out to Calabasas where they purchased this large home in a gated development that borders the Calabasas Golf and Country Club. Property records indicate the couple paid $1,690,000 in June 2006.

The listing states the home was renovated in 2007, so it appears that Keach is looking to flip the property at a substantial profit. Marketing materials refer to the house as "Chateau Provence" which seems a little bit of a stretch to us. Your Mama has been to Provence, and this is most assuredly not what Provence looks like. We can't imagine anyone mistaking this house in a suburban development as being anything other than a Mediterranean style house in a suburban development.

We are quite sure there are heaps and loads of people who dream and pine to live in a multi-million dollar suburban tract home. And that's fine for them. But this sort of cookie cutter neighborhood where the house next door looks just like your house which looks just like the house across the street which looks exactly like the house around corner is not for Your Mama. Moving into a tract house like this would ensure that our next move would be to the insane asylum.

The interior of the house looks light and bright, which is a good thing. But it is strangely devoid of furniture and decor. The placement of the not very interesting furniture looks like it has not been touched since the movers brought it all into the house and dropped it willy-nilly throughout the house. In fact the interior of this house is such a snooze that Your Mama is at a total loss for words except to say that we sincerely hope the Keach family will take some of the proceeds from selling this house to hire themselves a nice gay decorator to get up in their next house and help them pull it all together into a comfortable cozy home that looks like a place in which someone would actually feel comfortable living.

Howard Gordon Shows a Little Modesty

SELLER: Howard Gordon
LOCATION: Dickens Street, Studio City, CA
PRICE: $1,499,000
SIZE: 2,826 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: 1 level architectural contemporary showplace. Ligne Roset designed interiors w/open flowing volume space incl LR, Media Rm & expanded Dining areas. Carrara marble Kit w/Miele & Gaggenau SS appl. FDR w/ blt in 600 bottle wine storage. All BA's are beige hand cut limestone incl Master w/ dual sinks and over sized marble shower. French drs open to spectacular yrd w/ Brazilian walnut deck, heated dining pergola, fire pit, outdr Kit, sep glass walled artist's studio. Sep alarmed custom 2800 bottle wine house.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Your Mama needed to consult the web to figure out just who this Howard Gordon person is. He may not be a household name in Kentucky, but he's clearly a heavy hitter in the television bizness who plies his trade as a writer/executive producer for the incredibly successful Keifer Sutherland vehicle 24. Previous to that program, which Your Mama admits we have never watched, Mister Gordon wrote and produced numerous episodes of Angel, the cult favorite Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and the show that perhaps started the trend for funky sci-fi type television programs, The X-Files. Those are just the big name shows in which he's been involved, there have also been several less successful programs such as Strange World and The Inside which of course Your Mama has never heard of.

If this man has even a teeny tiny piece of the syndication rights for the programs one which he's toiled, he will have big, BIG, money flowing into and swelling his pocketbook the rest of his life.

We are not surprised to see a man so successful selling off his house. We presume he's looking for bigger, better, gated, etc. But we were surprised to find so successful an industry type living in such a modest house in Studio City. Aren't you?

Anyhoo, Mister Gordon and wifey purchased this house in 2000 for $725,000. Remember the good ol' days when you could by a house in a good part of LA for under a million? We imagine the renovations were done in the ensuing years and Your Mama thinks the place looks terrific.

We like how the front facade is a little forbidding and sinister while the inside is open, colorful and light filled. We are appreciative of the Ligne Roset interior which makes the place look like an Italian fashion designers house, but there are a couple of questionable choices in the decor. Yes, that's right, it's the dining room set we are concerned about. We're sure the table and chairs cost more than our BMW, but it looks like something you might see in the executive conference room at MicroSoft.

Even though it's not the most practical surface for day to day cooking as it easily stains and citric acid wreaks havoc on the stuff, Your Mama LOVES a kitchen slathered in Carrara marble. The dark cabinets create an excellent juxtaposition to the counters and the light colored wood floor. We can only hope there is a large pantry somewhere to make up for the lack of overhead cabinets. We are also a wee bit concerned with the location of the dishwasher, which appears to make it difficult if not impossible to stand at the sink and load the dishwasher at the same time.

We're not always fond of monster master bedrooms, particularly when they're big and wide just to be big and wide. This one looks nice and we dig the relative sparsity of furnishings, but we'd prefer a full wall separating those two spaces. It's just a preference for sleeping in a room that feels like it's embracing us rather than one where we feel like we're floating in space. Does that make sense? If this were our bedroom, we'd commission one of our artist pals to make a large abstract landscape for behind the bed. We like spare, but plain is a different story, and it's looking a little plain back there.

Imagine the backyard bbqs that have gone on here with Kiefer getting a little loud after imbibing one too many and Sarah Michelle getting lewd with Freddie on the sofa in the living room. All the while smarty pants David Duchovny and wifey Tea Leoni are looking down their perfect noses at the shenanigans while poor Gillian Anderson sits there forlorn and alone because no one in Hollywood pays any attention to her since she began starring on British television.

The backyard is gorgeous and modern, and that funky pergola was a bold and daring selection for which we'd like to applaud the Gordons. We love it. Of course, Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter would prefer a swimming pool, but we'll take that catwalk like dining platform which we are quite certain our friends Falsetta Knockers and Fiona Trambeau could work and work and work making that backyard worth ev-er-ee penny of the purchase price.

Sources: The Superficial, Internet Movie Data Base

UPDATE: Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne

Today Your Mama was contacted by one of our British readers who linked us over to an article in todays edition of The Sun, one of the UK's naughtiest and most aggressive tabs owned by media tycoon Rupert Murdoch. The article reports that the Osbournes have SOLD their Beverly Hills mansion to durty songbird Christina Aguilera and her huzband Jordan Bratman.

All news to Your Mama and our extremely well informed contacts who all knew the house was for sale, but none were aware of such a high profile purchase. We remain skeptical of the report.

We can understand shy X-tina chose to sell her Mulholland Estates house and move over to the Hollywood Hills, as she did in 2001 when she bought a house that real people Byron Allen renovated and flipped. But doesn't it seem a wee bit strange to all the children that Miss Durty, who seem to appreciate her privacy, would pruchase a house crawling with Japanese tourists brought in on buses hoping to catch a glimpse of one of the Osbournes as they slide out of their driveway in one of their pimped out rides?

The Sun also reports that the couple have purchased a new, smaller house on a larger lot in a gated community. Are the Osbournes headed for The Summit? Mulholland Estates? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

David Chokachi Surfs His Way to The Miracle Mile

BUYER: David Chokachi
LOCATION: S. Ridgeley Drive, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $1,080,000 (sale price)
SIZE: 1,651 square feet, 2-3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Stylish and modern magnificent designer remodel! Formal entry, elegant living room with stack stone fireplace, separate dining room, open gourmet kitchen w/ SS appliances, brilliant use of stone & rock throughout, luxurious master suite w/ separate lounge/office/reading room (3rd bedroom wall opened up to master & French doors that lead to grassy backyard with deck & fountain.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Today we're gonna discuss the recent real estate doings of another former Baywatch babe, this time a big chested himbo named David Chokachi. Miz Ruth Ryon reported in her most recent Hot Properties column in the LA Times that Mister Chokachi and wifey recently became first time home buyers.

If Your Mama is being honest, we'd never heard of Mister Chokachi before reading Miz Ryon's report. But a quick online search informed us that the basically good looking bleached blond is of Turkish and Finnish extract. The Massachusetts native with a degree in Political Science worked in Washington D.C. before moving to Los Angeles to pursue acting jobs that required he be buff, shirtless, and hard nippled at all times.

First came Baywatch, where he ran around the beaches of Malee-boo pretending to save drowning children with Pamela Anderson. More recently Chokachi has been seen on a program called Beyond the Break on which his character coaches a quartet of teenage surfer girls. Not only has Your Mama never heard of the program, it airs on a network called The "N," a channel we apparently don't have among the 400 channels included in our cable television set up.

Anyhoo, Mister Chokachi and wifey Susan went house hunting recently and purchased a modest and renovated Spanish style house in a nice, low key, and essentially celebrity free neighborhood called The Miracle Mile. The couple paid $1,080,000 for the house, $15,000 less than the asking price.

This centrally located area of LA contains street after street of smallish and well maintained Spanish style houses on smallish lots, many with detached garages at the rear of the property. While no one would ever dream of or be caught dead doing it, LACMA and the Page Museum/LaBrea Tar Pits are conveniently walking distance. For all you peeple out there not familiar with art or Los Angeles, LACMA is the Los Angeles County Museum of Art.

The neighborhood may not be dee-luxe or glitzy and the backyard, unfortunately, is sans swimming pool. Otherwise, Your Mama likes this house considerably. We appreciate the bonified entrance hall and the decently sized living room with the stacked stone fireplace which smartly brings a natural element into the house.

Ordinarily we do not like open kitchen set ups as we are absolutely not interested in having to look at the stove while watching television or trying to have a conversation with the Dr. Cooter. However, the way this kitchen has been laid out allows for it to be opened up to the living spaces, but still keep it tucked away and out of sight.

We do worry about the hall bathroom not having any windows to the exterior. Imagine how enormously unpleasant it would be to have noxious odors from the guests floating down into the kitchen while you're making a salad for dinner? So, as long as your guests don't get sloppy in there, it's fine, but there had better be a big Diptique candle and a huge bowl of matches in that windowless pooper.

The master suite has been created by knocking through a wall between two of the bedrooms. Your Mama does not might the loss of a third bedroom. Third bedrooms only encourage guests.

We're sure when Mister Chokachi gets his next role playing a shirtless lifeguard at the town pool, he and the wifey will upgrade their digs to something behind gates.

Danny Masterson and Bijou Phillips' Nest o' Love

BUYERS: Danny Masterson and Bijou Phillips
LOCATION: Hollyridge Drive, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $2,995,000 (sale price)
SIZE: 4,323 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Mediterranean Estate with Old World Charm. Ultimate privacy abounds in this nearly 4,400sf gated Mediterranean set on a 28,000sf promontory. Wonderful master suite w/sitting rm, terrace & his/her walk-in closets. Featuring hi-ceilings, wd flrs & original details, this grand scale home also includes a liv rm w/fp, FDR, library w/fp, gourmet kitchen & 3 car garage. Relax by the pool, spa, lush landscaping & meditation gardens or enjoy the paddle tennis court & guesthouse.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Yesterday Mister Big Time beat us to the punch when he announced to the world that the actor Danny Masterson and his gal about town girlfriend Bijou Phillips purchased a new love nest in Los Feliz, where the couple will be living in unmarried sin. Other than to tell y'all that it appears Masterson's Beachwood Canyon house appears to have a buyer, we really don't have all that much to add to Mr. Big Time's thorough report, but here's what we got:

The property was originally listed at $3,495,000 and later reduced to $2,995,000. Which was a good price slash, because soon after Masterson and Phillips trotted over to Los Feliz and paid the full asking price for the property.

As Mister Big Time noted, the property had long been owned by music legend Chuck Berry who sold it in 2000 for $2,475,000. The new owner appears to have left the place sitting empty and he certainly did not renovate the bathrooms before putting the place on the market at a substantial profit.

The lot the house sits on is round. That's right, round. While we do not recommend any of you twelve Bijou Phillips fans get in your cars and try it, the entire property can be circumnavigated in an automobile. Is this good for the Feng Shui?

The Mediterranean/Moorish style house has some interesting features and characteristics, but it also looks like it could use some upgrading, updating, and smoothing of the rough edges. Seriously, check out that disturbing bathroom. While designed to do one's dirty bizness, we're thinking we just might prefer to dig a hole out in the backyard before exposing our private parts to that freaky tile work.

The arched windows and the colonnade across the front of the house are lovely features, but the interior photos make the place seem just a little bit dark and sinister. We're going to chalk that up to bad photos and assume that Chuck Berry didn't leave any bad juju in the place.

Your Mama imagines and desperately hopes Masterson and Phillips will spend the next several months having the place renovated, particularly the unnerving bathrooms. If a Curbed LA tipster is to believe, it could take a week for Masterson's Scientologist handy-men just to install all the hidden surveillance cameras throughout the property.

One more thing...who knew that Chuck Berry played paddle tennis?

Pamela Anderson Heads for the Hills

RENTER: Pamela Anderson
LOCATION: Morning View Drive, Malibu, CA
PRICE: We don't know
SIZE: 4,584 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: The Jewel of Zuma is an amazing gated estate, reminiscent of the finest homes in Europe. This magnificent home, with easy access to the beach, is on approx. 3 ocean vew acres w/rolling lawns, pool & gorgeous sunsets. Richard Landry's "Chateau Ortolan" combines classic architecture w/ modern amenities. Grand Salon w/ soaring ceilings, gourmet kitchen, 7 fireplaces, wood, stone and antique terra cotta floors & antique wood beams.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: The hills of Malee-boo that is. Yesterday we were contacted by a little birdie who we'll call Ermaline Festerling who kindly and thoughtfully provided us some information on the recent real estate doings Pamela Anderson, she-ra of the monumental mammaries. Ermaline tells Your Mama that Miz Pamela Anderson and her children have recently leased this big chateau style house up in the hills of Malee-boo. Now, keep in mind that leases care very difficult for Your Mama to verify, but Ermaline has provided us with very accurate information in the past, so on her good record we're going ahead with this post.

Your Mama does not really need to tell you, but we are going to anyway, that former Playboy Playmate Pamela Anderson rocketed to fame during her stints as the "tool" girl on Home Improvement and the queen of Baywatch in the 1990s. Week after week men around the world sat glued to the television touching themselves as Pammy ran down the beaches of Malee-boo wearing a red bathing suit, boobs all akimbo.

It was not long after Baywatch was canceled that the world witnessed the release of a porn video that graphically showed this mother of two as she and then husband, Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee, fornicated on a boat and talked durty to each other. Keep in mind that at the time, Pammy and Tommy Lee sued to keep the video from being released commercially.

There were plenty of impressive and prodigious parts on display in the amateur porn video, but what Your Mama finds the most interesting about the entire bruhaha is that Pammy's extensive and impressive resume INCLUDES the home made porn video and lists her as the make-up artist, cinematographer, producer, AND the "actress." Now children, that is funny.

Say what you will about this stereotypical blond babe with behemoth breasts, but we must all recognize her uncanny ability to make boatloads of money on the merits of her of her boobies alone. Because let's face it, we've watched a few episodes of VIP and Stripperella and Stacked, and it's clear to anyone with eyes and ears that the lady is not getting jobs because of her finely honed acting skills.

Anyhoo, let's move on the real estate. Pammy owns a lovely shabby chic style home in the exclusive, guard gated Malibu Colony where she and the children could be living if she wanted. But last year she put the land-side property on the market for $6,500,000. Before anyone was willing to pay that price for a postage sized lot with no view of the ocean, Pammy leased it out. No doubt at a monthly rent only matched by her humongous ta-tas.

We were told by Ermaline that Pammy moved to this house after giving up another Malibu rental, a tiny ocean front house on Escondido Beach, which happens to be a few doors down from the ocean front compound Courtney Cox and David Arquette recently purchased (scroll down to bottom of post). We have no way of verifying that Pammy and family were renting a shackety-shack on Escondido Beach, but again, Ermaline has NEVER steered us wrong.

Although Ermaline tells us Pammy leased the property, perhaps after living in the shouse for a spell she'll like it enough to pony up $6,495,000 to buy the place. The house has been listed for sale at that price for quite some time. No doubt the owners would prefer to sell, but Your Mama is sure the owners are thrilled to have it leased, even if it's just for the short term.

The house is located way out in Malee-boo, north of Point Dume. Not exactly convenient to Los Angeles or the studios even if you drive over windy Kanan Dume Road to Agoura Hills, so we find it hard to believe this will be Pammy's only residence.

As for the house itself, well, it's lovely, but we'd like it a lot better if it were actually in France rather than overlooking the Pacific Ocean. Clearly the owners have taken great pains and spent considerable money recreating their French fantasy. And good for them. But it's not for us. Given that she appreciates a romantic and shabby chic sort of decor, this house actually seems like a good fit for Pammy and the boys. We're guessing, guessing children, that Pammy is on the hunt for a house to call home and we'll certainly keep our ears low to the ground for rumblings of a purchase.

A Model Apartment

BUYER: Gemma Ward
LOCATION: East 6th Street, New York, NY
PRICE: $1,425,000 (list), $1,500/month maintenance
SIZE: 1,600 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: In an elevator building on the 4th floor, this apt is currently configured with three bedrooms, three baths, living room, dining room, and a separate kitchen. Could be reconfigured at a 2 BR/2 BA and a guest suite or media room.Some upgrades have been done including a new kitchen with a Bosch dishwasher and a marble math. Original hardwood floors have just been re sanded. The other two bathrooms are in original prewar condition. Sun streams into the south facing windows, over looking the lovely planted common garden below. Laundry in basement, but there is a possibility for a washer/dryer in the unit.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: The recent purchase of this apartment by cat walker and cover girl Gemma Ward was first written up in the NY Observer by Mister Max Abelson and subsequently by Mr. Big Time. So you may have seen and read more than you would ever want to know about the model's new apartment in New York's East Village. If that's that case, you can just sit tight and wait quietly for our next post. Your Mama is in no mood to listen to a bunch of whining.

First of all, we want to know, when did teenage girls start buying $1,500,000 apartments in Manhattan? Miss Gemma Ward is nine-teen years old. Nine-teen. Barely got the bottle outta her mouth and she's snapping up real estate in Manhattan like it's Bonnie Bell lip gloss.

Okay, we know the gurl gets paid to strut her skinny ass down catwalks wearing designer garments that would fit a Pekingese. And we know she was the youngest gurl ever to be on the cover of Vogue magazine. And in the grand scheme of things, $1.5 million for a Manhattan apartment ain't shit. But this gurl is nine-teen damn years old.

When Your Mama was nineteen we were living off our Mama's dime in a ratty apartment with Oreo cookie colored carpeting trying to figure out where our next bag of weed was coming from. That's what teenagers used to do. Times have sure changed. Now we got well paid mannequins buying up property in the East Village before they're even legal to drink the booze at Bungalow 8.

According to Mister Max Abelson, a bidding war broke out over this apartment and Miss Gemma Ward paid $1,525,000 for the apartment, which is $100,000 over asking price. That should tell you something about the crazy state of real estate in New York City.

Your Mama thinks that if you can stomach the East Village now that it's become a grungier version of the Upper West Side filled with nannies pushing strollers and well to do Wall Street hipsters who aren't cool enough to move to Brooklyn, this would be a nice place to live.

We can't say whether the layout of this apartment is functional or not, but from the listing information we can say that it's pleasantly located at the back of the building, is thankfully accessed by an elevator, and includes a jaw dropping 3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms and 1,600 square feet of space. Although the listing states two of the bathrooms are in "pre-war condition" it is our opinion the skinny model got a pretty good price for her new six room apartment.

Although we are laid out in flabbergast at how much money teenage models have to throw around on real estate, we do gen-u-wine-lee wish Miss Gemma Ward a happy house.

Sources: NY Observer, Big Time Listings

Rob Morrow's Rustic Canyon Modern

BUYER: Rob Morrow
LOCATION: Stassi Lane, Santa Monica, CA
PRICE: $4,300,043
SIZE: 4,131 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Stunning architectural designed by Melinda Gray AIA. Spectacular New Architectural home designed with unparalleled attention to detail. No expense has been spared in creating this dramatic environment of wood, glass and steel. State of the art Boffi kitchen. Open loft style space with soaring ceilings. Pocket doors open to a beautifully landscaped yard with pool, spa and fire pit. The house is pre-wired for sound including the 1,100 sqft basement that could be the perfect media room.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: There are a few people we'd like to thank for their input and assists on this posting. First off, the incomparable Mr. Big Time over at Big Time Listings who included this property in his list of potential Jason Priestley homes, which first made us aware of this house and its possible celebrity ownership. Secondly we'd like to thank Lucy Spillerguts who so kindly and generously shares massive amounts of information and real estate gossip with Your Mama. And finally we'd like to thank Our Fairy Godmother in Beverly Hills. You know what you did for us hunny.

Alright then. Do all the children know who this Rob Morrow person is? In the early 1990s he starred in the television show Northern Exposure, where he played a nebbishy doctor from New York who, for some reason we can't recall or care about, was required to set up a private practice in a remote Alaskan town filled with a bunch of eccentrics. Hilarity ensued, natch.

This was the show where Your Mama learned to hate John Corbett. Not the actor himself, but the cloying character he played who quoted poetry and philosophy over the radio while working his hokey brand of long-haired sexy Zen. Ack! We stopped watching this show because of that character and have never been able to separate the guy from that silly character. Even when he played Carrie's paramour on Sex and the City. We had to plug our ears, shut our damn eyes, or turn off the boob toob when he came on the screen. At any rate, Your Mama digresses and we're here to discuss Rob Morrow, not Mister Corbett, so let's move on.

When the show ended, Mister Morrow went on to ply his trade in a dozen or more television and film projects Your Mama has neither seen nor heard of. Then, in the year 2005 Mister Morrow landed a plum role as an FBI agent on the show Numb3rs. Theshow has provided him with a regular job and a paycheck fat enough to afford him a $4,300,000 house in Santa Monica's Rustic Canyon, which just happens to be one of Your Mama favorite 'hoods in Los Angeles. The not quite Santa Monica not quite Pacific Palisades location gives Rustic Canyon a feeling of blissful remove. Not to mention the lovely ocean breezes that waft up the canyon and leave the smell of salt strong on the air.

Property records show that this house was purchased in February of 2007 for the unusual price of $4,300,043. The newly built moe-derne house with 5 bedrooms and 4 bathrooms was listed at $4,595,000, so someone negotiated a decent price reduction for Mister Morrow and the Missus. Savings enough to at least fill the place with furniture.

Now y'all know Your Mama likes modern houses. But this one we're not so sure about. The location is great (if you like the far West Side), and there are plenty of nice features in the house like radiant heating, soaring ceilings, and a gorgeous Boffi kitchen. Of course we also love and covet the huge sliding glass doors on the ground floor which open the interior spaces up to the pool terrace creating a huge covered porch like space.

It's the stairs, however, that cause us great concern. Three floors straight up. AND a basement. No elevator. At least no mention of an elevator that we could find. Imagine all the huffing and puffing the cleaning lady is going to be doing dragging mops, vacuums, and other cleaning supplies all up and down those stairs. Your Mama sincerely hopes the Morrows have been able to find an athlete to be their maid, because otherwise they're going to come home and find Clarissa the cleaning lady dead on the stairs from a massive coronary attack.

And let's not even discuss the extra money the nanny is going to insist on being paid for having to chase a child around in that house. Again, Your Mama hopes the Morrows have found a marathon runner to be their nanny, because the gurl is going to need a good set of lungs and uncommonly strong let muscles to navigate all those stairs chasing after children day after day.

Speaking of children, let's discuss the Morrow off spring before we sign off. Now Your Mama has nothing against celebrities who name their kids after fruit and berries. We find the unusual names very amusing, and sometimes even clever. We can even appreciate some of the truly bizarre ones, like Penn Jillette, who thoughtfully gave his daughter the name Moxie Crimefighter. Mister Morrow and his wifey Debbon have also given their child a "unique" name. One that is surely going to damn her to musical theater hell for the rest of her life and may even result in a beat down one day at The Crossroads School. See hunnies, the Morrow's six year old daughter's name is Tu. As in Tu Morrow. Ponder that one for a while.

Your Mama wishes the Morrows lots of happiness and health in their new home. Especially the health, because y'all are going to need it unless you install an elevator.

UPDATE: Sharon Stone

We noticed recently that our favorite old school wing nut ack-tress Sharon Stone has put her Beverly Hills flip back on the market.

The single mommy and AIDS activist became spectacularly famous in 1992 for her stunning full frontal vajayjay exposure in the film Basic Instinct. This was loooong before every starvelette and pop tart in Hollywood was flashin' their naughty bits to anyone with a camera. For free! See, Miss Sharon Stone may be a bit batty, but she is no fool. Behatcha made sure she was paid to show her baby maker to the world. Whereas all these other silly gurls exposed their shaved pudendas for nothing but a little publicity in the tabs

Anyhoo, you may or may not recall that in March of 2006 Miss Sharon Stone purchased a big Bev Hills house in which to raise her adopted brood. But for one reason or another, the famously capricious minx never packed her Jimmy Choos and moved in with the children. The house had been on the market for $12,500,000. However, a couple of months ago it appeared to have had an accepted offer.

But alas. The sale did not go through and poor Miss Sharon Stone remains saddled with this white elephant which has been put back on the market for $11,500,000, an amazing $1,000,000 price chop and just $500,000 more than she paid for the place. Does this indicate the market is softening in the super high end market, or did Miss Sharon Stone overpaid for this property? You decide.

Hilary Swank Buys Pacific Palisades House

BUYER: Hilary Swank
LOCATION: Paseo Miramar, Pacific Palisades, CA
PRICE: $5,800,058
SIZE: 6,722 square feet, 6 bedrooms, 6 full and 2 half bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Romantic and refined Meditteranean estate with breathtaking ocean views has been meticulously restored and expanded to incorporate all the character and detail of the original design with every modern convenience...There are 4 bedroom suites upstairs including a dramatic master with a fireplace in the bedroom and bathrom...The main floor includes a formal living room with fireplace, formal dining room, gourmet kitchen, family dining area and family room with fireplace...The lower level has a guest room, screening room, unbelievable wine room, game room and kitchen.

Dear Mister Big Time: As we do everyday, we read your report the other day that listed several properties with Barry Greenberg's name as the trustee, including the property on Paseo Miramar in Pacific Palisades. And we later read your good natured challenge to find out who in fact owns the Trulli Trust that is listed on the deed for this property. So we got on the horn and put our feelers out lickety split looking for answers. Through one of our infallible sources, whose identity we guard with our life, we have been able to determine with 100% surety that both your readers and your educated guess about ownership are correct. The Pacific Palisades house on Paseo Miramar was indeed purchased by Oscar winning ack-tress Hilary Swank.

Property records indicate the buff and tuff dee-vorcée purchased this house in March of 2007 for just over $5,800,000. Gurl fought her way to a good deal considering the listing we located for the house showed an asking price of $7,495,000.

The house was recently renovated and includes 4 principal bedrooms, a guest room and bath on the lower floor, as well as a maids room and bath off the detached garage. There are eight terlits up in this Mediterranean manse which means that either Miss Swank will be scrubbing her days away, or the maids room will be lived in by a gurl who will spend all day every Thursday with a terlit brush in one hand and a can of Comet in the other.

Your Mama can not help but wonder why this newly single gal would buy such a large house. Even though it was reported late last year she was dating her agent John Campisi (still?), could this big family style house be a rebound residence meant to heal and seal the wounds of her lost dreams of a family with ex-huzband Chad Lowe? Seriously, what does a single gal on the go need with nearly 7,000 square feet of house?

The house is a lovely restoration and we really like that courtyard area and the stunning view, but we are concerned about Miss Swank paying so much money for a house with no swimming pool or tennis court. Sure, the beach is just down the hill and the weather in these parts can be a bit foggy for early morning swims, but even still, Your Mama feels strongly, nay passionately, that a house in this price range should absolutely have a heated swimming pool.

Take note children, the furniture and decor seen in the photos above are NOT those of Miss Swank. We think that stuff belongs to a stager hired by the folks who completed the recent overhaul of the house. Whether Miss Swank has good taste of her own or just the good sense to hire top notch decorators, we don't know. But based on the few photos we have of the New York townhouse Swank and Lowe renovated and had decorated shortly before uncoupling, we expect this house will look much more interesting than the traditional decor we see in the photos above.

Your Mama wishes Miss Swank all the best in her new house. If the tabs are to be believed, her split for Mister Lowe was truly and actually devastating and not just some played up emotion for the pubic to consume. We sincerely hope the purchase of this home represents a fresh step forward toward the rest of her life. Ain't we sweet?

Michael Weithorn Cashing Out of Malibu

SELLER: Michael and Lisa Weithorn
LOCATION: Cliffside Drive, Malibu, CA
PRICE: $19,250,000
SIZE: 7 bedrooms, 8 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Cliffside Drive contemporary estate on over 1 acre of perfectly manicured lanscaped grounds. Warm and inviting living spaces offering only the finest materials and detials throughout. Four bedroom main house and 3 bedroom detached guest house. Enteretain or simply relax by the oceanside pool and spa while taking in the breathtaking vistas of the apx 196 feet of frontage. Complete privacy and located at the end of this exclusive cul-de-sac street. Deeded beach rights.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: We have included a few more photos of this house than we ordinarily do because, well, we like this house more than we ordinarily like the houses we post here.

Mister Weithorn may not be a household name, but he's made a significant amount of money bringing the show The King of Queens to households across the world for the better part of 9 years. Not only did Weithorn write 80 or so episodes, he also acted as an executive producer and creative consultant for a fair number of those episodes. Children, just imagine the syndication royalties that are coming this man's way. Think about it. Your mama can not turn on the boob toob without seeing re-run after re-run of this show, so you know the show is minting mad syndication money.

Mister Weithorn and his wifey Lisa purchased this 1.16 acre Point Dume property in September 2000 for just $3,975,000 according to property records. While the couple kept the original ocean side swimming pool, it appears the proceeded to knock down at least a majority of the existing house and build this contemporary structure in it's place. Records indicate the total re-do, re-build was completed in 2004.

We admit the rear facade vaguely, but regrettably, resembles a resort hotel. And there is no directs access to the beach as the property sits high on a sheer cliff above the Pacific Ocean. none the less, we the think this house ranks at the top of those that we've been discussing lately. It's not so much the architecture that we're digging, but the stellar work of the decorator who worked some serious magic with the interiors using smooth and sophisticated color palette of white, sand, champagne, and sun blasted blues. Don't forget to look at the pricey and gorgeous abstract paintings as well.

We fucking love it. It's far more house and property than Your Mama would want to take care of, but we love it so much we're not even going to keep commenting on and gushing over the place. We have grown somewhat weary of the rich and famous with tasteless houses, so with this one we're just going to sit back quietly and let all the children behold how the very rich and tasteful live up in Malee-boo.

We have no idea where the Weithorns are going, but property records show they own a quadruplex in Manhattan Beach, purchased in 2000 for $3,975,000, as well as the 3,795 square foot, 5 bedroom, 5 bathroom house on Mandeville Canyon Road in Brentwood they purchased in 1995 for $1,212,000. Your Mama does not imagine they'll be decamping to either of these properties, but we can all sleep like babies at night knowing that the Weithorns will surely end up some place spectacular.

Funny Man Jamie Kennedy's Funny House

SELLER: Jamie Kennedy
PRICE: $1,099,000
LOCATION: N. Fairfax Avenue, Los Angeles, CA
SIZE: 2,505 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: A fantastic 2 story home behind gates in a central location. Steps from Sunset Blvd. and minutes from heart of the strip and all it has to offer. A bonus detached guest house has half bath, hardwood floors and sliding door to zen like back yard with lots of green and vegetation. Could be used as maids quarters. Comfortable 2500 SF living space with high ceilings. A few tough ups and this is the deal your clients have been looking for!

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Comedian Jamie Kennedy has been around Hollywood a lot longer than most people might imagine. Long before The Jamie Kennedy Experiment and the should have been funny Malibu's Most Wanted, where he played the a rich white kid who adopted the language and syntax of a black rapper, he appeared in dozens of mostly forgettable television programs and films. But over the years he managed to land a few plum parts including a small part in Dead Poets Society, a couple of episodes of Ellen, and of course his role as geeky Randy Meeks in Scream 1,2, and 3.

He also wrote an autobiographical book called Wannabe: A Hollywood Experiment that chronicles his lackluster career in Hollywood and his subsequent rise to success that was facilitated by pretending to be his own agent.

Even before Mister Kennedy achieved real success in Hollywood in the early 2000s, the funny man scraped his pennies together and bought himself a homestead in the heart of Los Angeles. Perhaps it was his paychecks from the first and second Scream movies that enabled him to purchase this house in July of 1998 for $529,000. The location on busy Fairfax Avenue just north of Sunset Boulevard ensures easy access to all parts of Los Angeles and also guarantees a significant amount of road noise at all hours of the day and night.

If anyone cared to walk in Los Angeles, the house is a short stroll to the shopping center/entertainment complex that was built on the spot where the legendary Schwab's Drug Store used to be. But since no one walks in LA, there is a tremendous parking garage underneath the complex for all the fancy cars that were driven from just a few blocks away. The shopping center includes a movie theater, a Wolfgang Puck restaurant, and most importantly, a Crunch gym for all the vanity driven health nuts in Hollywood. This Crunch place positively crawls with sweaty celebrities who drive down from the hills to take Cardio Striptease, Dodgeball, and Circus Sports classes.

While it's not a swanky section of West Hollywood, the neighborhood holds a lot of sentimental value for Your Mama. Back in the day we spent many a night just around the corner from Mister Kennedy's colorful house doing all sorts of illegal things, repeatedly getting trapped in a malfunctioning elevator, and once, having the police show up because Your Mama and a few pals were sitting on the roof of a building screaming the Star Spangled Banner in the middle of the night. The po-leese, bless their little hearts, were concerned we were going to commit mass suicide by jumping off the building. It was really something to see, all the fire trucks, ambulances, and uniformed men with bullhorns surrounding the building. When they realized we were just a bunch of bugged out teenagers wearing matching shoes with big, black satin laces, they laughed and told us to go inside "and have a normal party." Nice guys.

Anyhoo, Mister Kennedy's craftsman bungalow appears somewhat like we imagine Mister Kennedy to be himself: cluttered, a little chaotic, colorful, and a little juvenile. The exuberantly landscaped property offers a lagoon style swimming pool, several out door seating areas and a detached studio with a half bath that the listing says would be good for a maid. That is if the maid does not need to bathe, since there is no shower or tub in there.

Inside, the house appears to have some nice features like vaulted ceilings and a fireplace in the living room. But honestly, we're having a difficult time looking beyond questionable furniture choices and decor. A futon in the guest room? Jamie, seriously, a futon? And what's with the big plate in the fireplace?

But the room we've become utterly fixated on is the kitchen. This kitchen the exact sort of kitchen that can be found in any mid-priced tract home anywhere in the US of A. It has moved beyond ordinary and into aggressively banal. It may be fine for a 3 bedroom ranch in Peoria, but in a million dollar celebrity home? No.

The one spot we are really appreciating is the covered porch area with the butterfly chairs. The potted ficus trees were a good idea and the wee rug was an excellent additions for blurring the indoor outdoor feeling of the space. This area looks like the perfect place to light up a doobie and giggle with friends.

Your Mama has been informed by someone who would know that the house has been sold for more than the asking price. So good for Mister Kennedy. We imagine he will be taking some of his new found wealth and frat house furniture to a new, improved, bigger, and much more expensive abode. As you might imagine, we just hope Mister Kennedy hires a nice gay decorator to work some magic in the new house.

UPDATE: Howard "Big Hair" Stern

We thought we had grown tired and bored of reading and writing about Big Hair and his soon to be wifey Beth and their never ending shuffle through high end Hamptons real estate. Until we read Braden Keil's update on the huge house Big Hair and wifey are building in Southampton, and we were interested all over again.

First we discussed the shingled ocean front house in Amagansett the couple sold because fanatic fans were spending too much time on the dunes out back trying to catch glimpses of Big Hair in his speedo.

Then we discussed the humongous ocean front spread that Big Hair and Beth leased from freakishly wealthy Broadway producer Terry Allen Kramer after selling the Amagansett house. Remember, that was the place from which Big Hair and Beth got booted when Kramer sold the place out from under them earlier this year for a reported $34,000,000.

Next we discussed the ocean front Norman Jaffe designed monster manse on Meadow Lane in Southampton that the couple rented for an astounding $1,00,000/year so that they have a place to weekend while their Southampton house is under construction.

Lawhd chidren, we're worn out from recounting Big Hair's Hamptons real estate movements and we haven't even gotten to the update.

This week, the NY Post's Braden Keil brings us an update on the gargantuan beach shack the couple is building on Squabble Lane in Southampton. If you dig way back into the recesses of your mind, you'll recall that in May of 2005 Stern purchased a vacant and private 4-acre ocean front parcel of land for the skin tingling and puke inducing price of $20,000,000. He quickly hired an architect to design an estate fit for a radio star.

The house has been under construction for some time now, and according to Keil, the plans filed with the town reveal just how palatial the place is going to be: Sixteen thousand square feet facing the Atlantic Ocean. 8 bedrooms. 12 bathrooms. Great room. Media room. 1,500 square foot master bedroom with private balcony, his and her baths and dressing rooms, and an office/study. Wine cellar with tasting room. Oceanside swimming pool with cabana and spa. Keil notes there is to be a stone wall surrounding the property to keep the fans away. And because no 16,000 square foot house at the beach would be complete without one a bowling alley. Which we think is stoopid.

With the dire domestic staff shortage in the Hamptons, Big Hair may have a difficult time finding enough staff to scrub a dozen terlits week after week. Poor thing.

It seems a little vulgar to Your Mama to have a 16,000 square foot weekend house at the beach with 12 terlits and a bowling alley, but what do we know? We can only hope there's a library in the house filled with books to read as well.

Is Jill Marie Jones Losing Her Purse In Sherman Oaks?

SELLER: Jill Marie Jones
LOCATION: Royal Woods Drive, Sherman Oaks, CA
PRICE: $1,199,000
SIZE: 2,261 square feet, bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Classic turn-key Royal Woods 1-try traditional w/discreet privacy on corner lot. 3 bd, including an extremely spacious master ste w/sitting area and fireplace, 2.5 ba, beamed ceiling living rm, large dining rm, hardwd flrs, updated kit, recessed lighting, plantation shutters & wired for security cameras. Public rms & master bedrm all play to the private garden/pool area w/built-in BBQ & expansive flagstone patio/garden area.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Now that Miz Jill Marie Jones has purchased Jason Priestley's Hollywood Hills house in Outpost Estates, she has put her Sherman Oaks house on the market. The former Dallas Cowboy cheerleader hit it big in Hollywood in 2000 when she landed the role of Toni Childs opposite Golden Brooks and Diana Ross's supreme scion Tracee Ellis Ross on the CW program Girlfriends.

A few years later, perhaps feeling confident in her new found sit-com salary, she purchased this Sherman Oaks home in October of 2003 for $1,110,000. Now do the mathematics children. If she paid $1.1 million in 2003 and the property is currently priced at $1.199 million, that's an astoundingly low 9.2 percent overall gain in a marketplace that regularly sky rocketed upwards of 15 percent per year in the early 2000s.

This means that after girlfriend pays the real estate fees and transaction charges, she may actually LOSE money on the property. Which is pretty damn tough to do in Los Angeles as the market has sizzled and scorched the last five or six years creating exorbitant and mind numbing profits for even the most dim witted of home sellers.

Now, don't none of you fruitcakes twist our words. We are not saying Miz Jones is dim witted. We're saying we don't know if Miz Jones over paid for this house in 2003, or if she's priced the place for a quick sale since she's already purchased her next residence.

There are a few issues with this house that Your Mama needs to discuss, the first being location, location, location. Although we'd sooner live in Cincinnati it's not the Sherman Oaks zip code that creates the locationality problem. It's the infuriatingly busy, slow moving, and loud San Diego Freeway which practically runs through the back yard of this house. Your Mama has never been to this house, so we can not say for sure, but we imagine the morning and evening rush hour traffic jams make using the back yard swimming pool and bbq center all but impossible without ear plugs and raised voices.

Your Mama is not impressed by nor do we care for a huge master bedroom, and Miz Jones' bedroom sits right on the cusp of too big in our book. But that's not the real issue with this room. It's that cock-eyed furniture placement that makes us feel boozed up and befuddled. Unfortunately it is not uncommon to see beds pushed up into the corners of rooms like this. But Your Mama has never understood what possesses someone to make that choice. Does it make the room look larger? No. Does it make the room more "interesting?" No, it does not. It just makes the room look catty-wompus and off-kilter. Not to mention all the wasted space behind the headboard that leaves us feeling uneasy and unable to sleep comfortably.

We also note that Miz Jones does not seem to care for rugs. We can't imagine why not. Her quasi-romantic, sorta shabby chic, and not very well decorated rooms would benefit greatly from some nice Persian rugs to ground the rooms and provide some necessary warmth.

We recognize and sincerely hope that Miz Jones' and her real estate people may have removed some of her personal items and decor in order to "stage" the house and make it look generic enough for buyers to see themselves living up in the house. Because honestly, we're having a difficult time coming up with a few things we actually like about this house. We do not want to appear to be a hater just for the sake of being a hater 'cause got nothing against Miz Jones. But seriously, girlfriend needs some decorating assistance and Your Mama hopes she hires herself a nice gay decorator to help her pull her new Hollywood Hills house together.

UPDATE: Jason Priestley

This morning we're going to jump on the tail of yesterday's post on Big Time Listings about the recent sale of Jason Priestley's Mediterranean style house up in the Outpost Estates section of Los Angeles.

An impressive stickler for facts, Mister Big Time often shocks and awes Your Mama with his uncanny ability to suss out ownership and purchase prices for celebrity properties. So we were surprised when he noted an incorrect listing price for the Priestley residence and was unable to flush out the name of the new owner. With all due respect to Mister Big Time, Your Mama would like to fill in some gaps, because we know who purchased the house AND we know where Mister Priestley and his growing family have moved.

Priestley's place was originally listed at $2,199,000 as Mister Big Time noted, but it was reduced to $1,999,000 before a purchaser stepped up to the table.

A very reliable source tells Your Mama the purchaser is in fact Miz Jill Marie Jones, who you might know from the show Girlfriends on the CW channel. We were not able to finagle a purchase price, but we're positive that Mister Big Time will be able to fill in that gap shortly once all the deed records clear. The ladies on Girlfriends must have gotten a raise recently because Miz Jones is not the only girlfriend to upgrade her living situation recently.

Another of our sources tells us that Mister Priestley and family have decamped to a 3,266 square foot Toluca Lake house on Strohm Avenue that has 3 bedrooms and 4 bathrooms according to property records. Property records also indicate the property was purchased in May of 2007, but we have not been able to figger out the purchase price . We imagine Mister Big Time will be able to fill that gap of information as well.

Now then, stay tuned for the Sherman Oaks house that Miz Jones is selling.

Your Mama hears...

...that there is a little more to the story about writer/producer Mark Brazill (That 70's Show and 3rd Rock From the Sun) purchasing Gwen Stefani's gorgeous house in Los Feliz earlier this year. It was reported by Miz Ruth Ryan at the LA Times and also by Mr. Big Time at Big Time Listings that Brazill purchased the house for the asking price of $4,795,000, so we're not even close to breaking any gossip about that.

Mr. Big Time also noted the high-larious and insane email exchange between screenwriter Judd Apatow (40 Year Old Virgin and Knocked Up) and Brazill that was printed in Harper's in March of 2002. The exchange has nothing to do with the real estate or Gwen Stefani, but it's worth a read. Seriously funny stuff.

Anyhoo, a very reliable source tells Your Mama that Mister Brazill, who is well known for his vindictive and angry demeanor (did you read the Harper's thing?), purchased the Stefani/Rossdale house not because he wanted to live in the house, but because one of his perceived "rivals" was interested in purchasing the place. So, we are told, Brazill bought it out of spite so the rival could not have it. What?! We have no way of proving this to be true, but if it is indeed true, it's ugly. And very funny. And even more sad.

Property records indicate Mister Brazill continues to own several properties in the Toluca Lake area including a 5,292 square foot house on Navajo Avenue with 3 bedrooms and 7 bathrooms that he purchased in June 2006 for $2,910,029. Not sure why the man would buy a house in Toluca Lake and then turn around and buy another far more expensive home in Los Feliz less than one year later. Unless...

You'll also note, as have some of our readers that the house has been placed back on the market with another listing agent with different furniture and a new, improved, and higher price of $5,200,000. Wonder why Mister Brazill would do that? We have to wonder if there are any exclusions to purchase. Hmm.

Happy Days for Tom Bosley in the Bev Hills P.O.

SELLER: Tom Bosley and Patricia Carr-Bosley
PRICE: $2,950,000
LOCATION: Royston Place, Beverly Hills P.O., CA
SIZE: 3,772, square feet, 4 bedrooms, 5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Gated celebrity English Country home with high ceilings and hardwood floors. Entertainer's delight with huge outdoor veranda and a gorgeous pool. Corner lot on a cul-de-sac road.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Although Mister Tom Bosley has been featured in dozens of television and Broadway shows, he will always be remembered as the push over father on the 1970s hit television show Happy Days. That show launched and solidified at least half a dozen television and film celebrities including Henry Winkler, Ron Howard, Ted McGinley, Scott Baio, Pat Morita, and of course, Miz Marion Ross. The show is also credited with spinning off several hit shows including Laverne and Shirley, Mork and Mindy, and of course, the spectacularly difficult to watch Joanie Loves Chachi.

Mister Tom Bosley wed former actress Patricia Carr in 1980 and they have lived as a married couple in this house since at least 1990 according to property records. Your Mama hasn't a clue what the couple paid for this mansard roofed monstrosity, but we're quite sure Carr-Bosley's will make millions on the sale and the couple will do a happy dance all the way to the bank.

Truthfully, if one likes French Country "style" houses with mansard roof lines and arched dormers, this one might fit the bill. Your Mama, however, does not feel kindly towards this style of house. The back yard pool looks inviting, sort of. The pool itself is okay, but what are all those square stone pillars that make the pool look like it's in jail? The covered patio could be a lovely place to stay cool while working the crossword puzzles on warm afternoons.

As for the interior, well, Your Mama always feels suffocated by these "grandma's house" sorts of places. We don't see any in this photos, but we highly suspect there are expensive and elaborately dressed dolls on display somewhere in this house. Y'all know those dolls, right? Not the dolls that children play with. Oh no. We're talking about the sinister and upsetting dolls that grown ups collect. They have names like Gretchen and she's wearing a Victorian party dress and has porcelain hands and eyes that blink and stare at you while you're sleeping. Lawhd, we're short of breathe just thinking about those menacing dolls.

About the only thing we see in that living room that we can tolerate is the glass vase/dish filled with orange hard candies. Of course the container is so old fashioned it freaks the devil out of us, but Your Mama loves candy so much we could probably muster the courage to enter that room to pilfer some candy. We'd hightail it out of there immediately, but there's little torture we would not subject ourselves for a little bit of candy. It's true.

The property, located way up in the hills, sits in what would be considered a modest nabe for Bev Hills. No huge iron gates with long curving driveways. No tennis courts or staff entrances. Just large and ordinary houses on smallish one-quarter to half acre flat lots.

Your Mama has no idea who buys a house like this for nearly three millions clams. Maybe another one of those doll-people?

UPDATE: Jon Bon Jovi

Several weeks ago Your Mama discussed the outrageously huge Mercer Street penthouse that hair band honcho Jon Bon Jovi purchased recently. Today we learn from Mister Max Abelson at the NY Observer that city records show that Jon Boy paid $24,000,000 even for the 7,400 square foot, six bedroom, six full and two half bath building topper. The apartment had been listed at $26,500,000. If you haven't seen it, click over to see the photos and floor plan. Simply unbelievable.

Christophe Flips Out in the Birds

SELLER: Christophe and Daniell Schatteman
LOCATION: Blue Jay Way, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $4,795,000
SIZE: 2,664 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Enjoy incredible 180 degree views from Griffith Park to Santa Monica Bay to the Malibu mountains from this unique promontory property on famed Blue Jay Way. Original, hip, tasteful three bed, three bath mid-century features floor-to-ceiling glass, nice kitchen, den w/fireplace. Grassy yard w/great pool overlooking view. Renovate to live in permanently or develop a tour de force on one of the most spectacular home sites in the Birds.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Ladies who lunch and men with coiffured hair all up and down Sunset Boulevard know exactly who Christophe Schatteman is, but all you peeple East of Pasadena would be forgiven for not recognizing his name. So let Your Mama educate you a minute on this man. He is a fancy hair dresser who like Cher and Madonna only uses his first name. So he's not really Christophe Schatteman, he's "Christophe!" Pronounced Crease-toff, thank you.

Big names roll up to Christophe!'s eponymous Beverly Hills salon every day. Christophe! has cut and fluffed the tresses of countless Hollywood luminaries including Barbra Streisand (natch), Nicole Kidman, Sally Field, Goldie Hawn, and Ted Danson, even though he doesn't have much hair of his own anymore.

But perhaps Christophe! is most famous for the infamous haircut he gave President Bill Clinton back in 1993. Back then Christophe! was doing Babs' diva bob and Linda Bloodworth-Thomason's filthy rich hair. Both were and are big Democratic supporters, and as the story goes, Billy was sitting on Air Force One at LAX when he decided he needed to get his hair cut. So Babs or Linda or one of their peeps gave Billy's peeps the telephone number for Christophe! who rushed right out to the tarmac at LAX and proceeded to cut Billy's hair. At the time Christophe! charged $200 to cut a head of hair.

Well don't you know the press took that story about Billy getting a fancy $200 Beverly Hills haircut and reported it like it mattered. If any of you remember 1993, you'll remember that story was played around the clock on the news channels as if it were the most important thing happening in the world. Take note Paris, the mainstream news media reporting meaningless stories 24 hours a day is nothing new, and you're not the first not will you be the last to have CNN focssed on tawdry stories as if they were news. Your Mama sincerely wishes the big news outlets would leave the silly stories to the blogs and gossip mavens to discuss ad infinitum and focus on NEWS. The plight of Paris is interesting, but it's not actual NEWS that should be on NEWS channels. But that's a another issue for another day.

Two hundred bucks sounds almost like bargain in today's hair cutting world where shag super star Sally Hershberger, whose house remains for sale for $6,500,000, charges upwards of $600 to slice and dice a head of hair. But you have to remember the Bill Clinton debacle took place in 1993 and Christophe! charges considerably more to put his hands on and scissors in your hair nowadays.

More recently Christophe! was seen as a guest judge on the Bravo's reality show Shear Genius. We loved that show until Tabatha got unfairly nixxed and we had to stop watching out of protest. The lady in black should have won that stoopid reality show contest.

Anyhoo, Christophe! and his wifey Daniell purchased this Bird Streets aerie only one year ago in June of 2006. And, get this children, property records reveal they paid $2,800,000 for the house. Which means the couple is attempting to flip the place at a $2,000,000 profit. Greedy or savvy? You decide.

Your Mama knows that location means a lot in real estate, and the Bird Streets are indeed a prime location. But still.... We can't be sure and we have no proof besides the language of the listing, but it appears to Your Mama that Christophe! and Daniell have done little to nothing to this house besides fill it with a truck load of white furniture. Which looks lovely and romantic. Unless you have pets. Or children. Or guests who might want to eat or drink a little something while visiting.

The well paid hair dresser and his wifey have not even replaced the tacky and tatty bamboo fencing behind the swimming pool. Please! Christophe! Call the damn landscapers and have that piece of shit fencing ripped out and replaced with some nice, low hedging. Seriously. It's the very least you can do if you're looking to make a couple million flipping this house.

Don't get Your Mama wrong. We think the house has tons of possibility. The terrazzo floors are fantastic and help keep the house cool in the scorching heat of the summer. We love the walls of glass that open the house to the backyard and provide unobstructed views over Los Angeles. We even like the simply shaped swimming pool, although we're not so fond of the tile work around it.

We can live with the 1980s all white Donna Karan-esque interiors. They have a certain nostalgic appeal. We note the Wassily chair in the living room and the Saarinen chairs around the dining room table. They are lovely and their modernist pedigree goes well with the house. We also appreciate that the Schatteman's have wisely paired these modernist pieces with not modernist furniture which helps the place not to look like a sad cliché of a modern house.

But even still, we can't seem to get past the huge price mark up. Your Mama wishes Christophe! and Daniell all the luck in the world getting this place sold. And if they can do it anywhere near $4.8 million, we bow down to their real estate prowess.

Sources: NY Times, Internet Movie Data Base

Aimee Osbourne's West Hollywood Hideaway

SELLER: Aimee Osbourne
LOCATION: Huntley Drive, West Hollywood, CA
PRICE: $1,499,000 (list price)
SIZE: 1,620 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms,
DESCRIPTION:Gorgeous, gated & private Spanish home in highly desirable neighborhood close to Melrose shops & restaurants. Private courtyard surrounded by lush landscaping, wood floors, updated kitchen with stainless steel appliances, gorgeous living room with beamed ceilings and fireplace, charming dining room, Zen-like yard with pool & spa. Garage converted to bonus room.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Looks like the Osbournes are selling houses like crazy all across the Los Angeles basin. First they put up their big Doheny Road house that was featured on the reality show, only to take it off the market and then recently, quietly, put the place back on the market. The family also owns a couple of ocean front houses in Malibu, one of which they have on the market for more than $10,000,000.

Now, the eldest offspring of Ozzy and Sharon has listed, and apparently gone to escrow, on her modest, but very lovely Spanish style house in West Hollywood. Aimee Osbourne is probably best known to the public as the daughter who refused to take part in the MTV reality show that launched her brother Jack and sister Kelly into reality show super stardom. Aimee was so unhappy with the show that she moved from the family home and publicly lambasted MTV for making her father look like a buffoon. Can you blame her?

Although the Osbourne family is pretty tightly knit, the aspiring singer has a life of her own in LaLa Land that includes once sharing a place with pin thin starvlette Nicole Richie, who reportedly accused Aimee of trying to steal her boyfriend of the moment Elijah Blue Allman, which would be Cher's son. Aimee has fired back claims that Skinny had a lot of problems and skipped out on the rent. Somehow we're not surprised. Aimee, who at one time wrote for the slick fashion and lifestyle magazine Nylon, also reportedly dated rehab flunky Robbie Williams for a short bit. So even though the gurl lives a quiet life in Los Angeles largely out of the glare of the media spot lights, her blackberry is none the less filled with all the same names as the other young and rich Hollywood scions who scoot around town in their fancy cars and say embarrassing and disturbing things to the TMZ cameras.

Located in a very nice part of West Hollywood, the house is just a quick minute from swanky Robertson Boulevard where young and glamorinas alike shop and pose for the paps at Kitson and then go eat and pose at The Ivy while pretending to eat atrociously expensive salads. The property has been walled and landscaped for complete privacy, which Your Mama loves as much as we love anything. Just because you don't live up in a mansion in Bev Hills does not mean that you want passers by peeking in your windows or care to park your car in an unsecured driveway where any ruffian with a hatred of BMWs can run a key down the side of the automobile.

Anyhoo, the listing agent, Joseph Babajian, happens to be the same gentleman who has the family manse on Doheny Road listed. He also happens to be the agent who we are told represented Sexy and the Spice Gurl in their recent $22,000,000 Beverly Hills purchase. So you know he's a heavy hitter in the celebrity real estate game. But ol' Babaj let Your Mama down with this house by not providing a few more photos of the luscious interiors. He's usually so good with the photos.

Property records reveal that Aimee purchased this house in April of 2003 for an undisclosed sum of money. They also reveal that the house was paid for in cash. Lucky gurl. It can be nice to have rich folks who share their wealth with the kiddies. The modest house measures only 1,620 square feet according the assessor and features 3 bedrooms and 2.5 bathrooms. The detached 2-car garage has been converted into additional living space out by the swimming pool.

Ordinarily Your Mama is not down with the lagoon style swimming pools, but we confess this one looks very inviting with the spa tucked back into the corner amid the palm trees. The living room has a great shape and we're digging the high beamed ceiling that has been painted a crisp white. The windows that drop all the way to the floor are delightful. We would like to see a huge chocolate brown rug laid down on that shiny wood floor to warm the place up, but otherwise we like this room. Clearly no fancy gay decorator has been up in there working his magic, but we're appreciating how the room is not even trying to look decorated. We're also appreciating the total lack of religious iconography.

Now hunnies, please, don't be driving up and down Huntley looking for Aimee because not only is the house well screened from the road, but this bitch would sooner cut you than have you snapping photos of her as she's taking out the garbage. Seriously. She's a nice gurl, but she is not innerested in publicity or having some dumb ass standing out front of her house looking to take photos or ask for an autograph. So do Your Mama this favor, and leave the gurl alone.

Your Mama likes this Aimee gurl. We do. Not only did she choose not to (over)use her family name to achieve fame and success in the same way her siblings have, the lady has survived breast cancer. Did you hear us? Sur-vived. We wish her continued health and look forward to hearing she's moved beyond the five year clear mark.

Sources: Contact Music, MSNBC, Glitterati Gossip, ShowBiz.sky

The Lefebvre's Sell Studio City House

SELLERS: Kristine and Ludovic Lefebvre
LOCATION: 3127 Dona Marta Drive, Studio City, CA
PRICE: $1,499,000 (list price)
SIZE: 2,757 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: This morning we're going to jump on Ruth Ryan's bandwagon and quickly discuss one of the properties featured in today's Hot Properties column in the LA Times. Not because we don't have a long list of unreported celebrity properties to discuss, but because one of The Apprentice gals, just sold her house in Studio City, which ties in nicely with our recent discussion of the upsetting and ugly house above Mulholland Drive where all the contestants lived.

You may remember Kristine Lefebvre as the bossy and be-speckled lady attorney with the whiny voice and the sorta turned up nose that was the 14th contestant eliminated on the most recent season of The Apprentice. What is the former model turned intellectual property attorney at a "high profile law firm" doing now you might ask? Well, she is taking off her clothes and posing for Playboy in skimpy lingerie. Bet that's going over really well with the partners of her "high profile law firm." What Hollywood big wig wouldn't want to be represented by a smart and accomplished attorney who is willing to let millions of men see her naughty bits?

If you ask Your Mama, and no one did, this gurl does not want to be an attorney. We think she wants to be famous, and she's hoping showing her boobies to the world will help her get a television show where she can wear glasses and revealing blouses and discuss the legal issues of the day a la Star Jones. Just check out her slick website and you'll see that it's not her big brains she's selling.

Miz Kristine's long-haired French huzband Ludovic Lefebvre (how DO you pronounce that name?) has chopped and diced himself silly as the head chef of high end food establishments such as L'Orangerie and Bastide in Los Angeles. According to Miz Ryan, Mister Ludovic is looking to open his own eatery. Good luck with that, because that is a difficult thing to do.

According to property records, the couple purchased this house in the hills of Studio City in April of 2004 for $1,155,000. The Laurel Canyon home is not far from where Tori Spelling nad her man Dean McDermott had a yard sale that attracted half of Los Angeles. Remember that?

Anyhoo, the French chef and the nekkid attorney appear to have a thing for African and Indonesian arts and crafts. Your Mama has been in museums that don't have this much ethnic art in them. We're not complaining, we're just saying...Also, we notice that most of the paintings are hung too high. Please note children, that pictures and paintings should be hung so they can be comfortably looked at while sitting in the room without having to crane and strain one's neck. Remember, this is a home, not a gallery where everything gets looked at standing up.

The 4 bedroom 3.5 bathroom house is fine. Nothing special and nothing to beef too much about. We like the front doors, the copious amounts of glass, and we like the dining room table quite a bit. We are always a little disturbed to see the home kitchens of professional cookers that are not kitted and fitted with all sorts of industrial machines and appliances. Nothing wrong with this kitchen, but Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter have a more chef friendly kitchen and the only cooking we do is pour kibble in bowls for our bitches Linda and Beverly.

The only other items we'd like to discuss are in the bathroom. We really like that painting of the Big Dipper. Or is it the Little Dipper? Whatever. We would like to have that. And we love the tiny powder blue tiles against the white floor and walls. And while we understand the glass sinks and the glass pedestals are meant look "modern," this is not a sort of modern that appeals to Your Mama. Those things are going to look dated next week and the sound of shattering glass will become deafening as these types of glass fixtures are ripped out all across America. Who has the time to be dealing with all the water spots on those things? And if you're living up in this relatively modest house, you prolly can not afford to have a gurl who does nothing but stay in the bathroom all day wiping the pesky water spots off the damn sinks.

No clue on where the French chef and the nekkid attorney are moving, and frankly, we're not sure we care. Do you?

Sources: LA Times, LA Weekly, Swift Pictures (photos)

Be My James Valentine

BUYER: James Valentine
LOCATION: Edgemont Street, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $2,389,000 (list price)
SIZE: 2,092 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: The Steel House by Neil M. Johnson, AIA, 1960. Inspired by the Case Study program, this mid-century modern is a true expression of the clarity and sophistication of contemporary architecture. Sited above the street on its own knoll, the 1-story structure has head-on downtown city lights views, open plan, private pool, and 3-car parking. Private and tranquil setting on a large lot. Thi is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to own a world-class piece of architectural history.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: While Your Mama is a reality television ho who happily tunes in to the mesmerizing Wife Swap and the disturbing Sweet Sixteen program about the snotty teenagers, we don't watch the MTV or follow the top 40 pop music scene so much. We are plenty old enough to remember the day MTV went on the air in 1981 with a video by the Buggles called "Video Killed The Radio Star." This was back when Martha Quinn and J.J. Jackson introduced video after video and Michael Jackson, who still had black skin in the early 1980s, threw it down with his ridiculously hot videos for "Billie Jean" and "Thriller." Nowadays you have got to tune in to TRL and suffer through too much of the yackety-yak before seeing something slick and over processed by 50 Cent or Kelly Clarkson or, heaven forbid, some post-pop-punk warbling by "The Spitter" Avril Lavigne. No thank you.

Well, Mister James Valentine, as you may know, is the guitarist for the very popular, very top 40, very MTV band called Maroon 5. We've heard the Maroon 5 songs. They're catchy and sing along-ish, and we imagine they appeal to hordes of teenage girls. But even more than the music, we've heard all the tabloid noise about the sexual shenanigans and supposed prowess of the lead singer, a very horny gentleman named Adam Levine who supposedly had a romp with Jessica Simpson at the Chateau Marmont not long after she and Nick Lachey went splitsville.

Anyhoo, the metrosexual boys from Maroon 5 were launched into musical super stardom with the release of their 2002 album "Songs About Jane." Their string of hit songs and constant touring made them all heaps of money and they're using some of that dough to buy themselves nice houses in Los Angeles.

In June of 2006, Mister Valentine purchased this house in Los Feliz which sits right under the Griffith Park Observatory. Although property records do not disclose the purchase price, an older listing for the property indicates the house was listed for $2,389,000. The sleek and sexy modernist house was built in 1960 and is accessed up a private driveway that terminates in a motor court with a sleek carport for three cars.

Please keep in mind children that the furniture and decor you are looking at in the photographs is NOT that of Mister Valentine, but the previous owner.

Your Mama happens to like this house quite a bit and we can imagine whittling the day away on the shaded balcony that overlooks the quasi-crescent shaped swimming pool. The walls of floor to ceiling glass bring a smile to our face, but we would need to have them UV coated to protect the artworks from fading is the intense sunshine.

There are a few changes we'd recommend to Mister Valentine:

1. Cose up the opening between the dining area and the living room. It just looks like a cheesy afterthought to open the site lines, and while we could be wrong, we don't imagine that cut out is original to the design of the house.

2. Tear out that kitchen. Although it's been recently done, it looks to us like something that would be found in a suburban or more traditional home. The black granite is just so ordinary and the cabinets, well, they should go to the ceiling. The slate floor can stay.

3. We're not sure if that master bathroom is good or not, but we suggest Mister Valentine take a good long look at that cornered mirror. Does that work, or is it just too 1980s glamour for this house? And we're not thrilled with the black granite in here either. Do people know that granite comes in other colors and there are other products besides granite that are suitable for countertops?

Otherwise Your Mama thinks Mister Valentine bought himself a lovely, modestly sized house with a sexy Los Angeles vibe. We'd live here in a heartbeat. Happy home Mister Valentine

Let's Talk About Cher in London...

For all the folks who have been following the cat fight in the comments section on our post on Vincent Gallo (who sold an apartment at the Sierra Towers to Cher), Your Mama would like to shed some light. We are not taking sides, but rather trying to clear up an issue that has, quite frankly, been cluttering up our inbox with email.

Your Mama had no idea whether Cher owned a home in London or not. Never even thought about it to be honest. But apparently the issue is important to a fair number of people and the bickering, name calling, and verbal fist fighting on the issue have been fierce and unnerving.

Your Mama did a little online research and quickly came up with three references to the penthouse apartment Cher reportedly has long owned in the Canary Wharf/Isle of Dogs area of London.

For those of you that care, you can check out the three links: one, two, three.

Since some of you have noted that you can't see the photo that is referenced as and interior shot of Cher's London penthouse...there it is above, small as it may be.


P.S. We love East London!

Gyllenhaal and Foner Near Runyan Canyon

OWNER: Stephen Gyllenhall and Naomi Foner
LOCATION: Mulholland Drive, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $20,000/month
SIZE: 2,563 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Within walking distance to Runyan Canyon Park, this stunning home is sited down a long driveway on almost an acre on a promontory with head-on city views. Landscape by J. Griffith, this is the quintessential mid-century redefined architectural furnished home redone with exquisite taste. True California indoor/outdoor living, this property affords privacy, a pool & includes maid & concierge service Monday-Friday & is perfect for someone needing the best of LA while here to do a film or series.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: We're going to be totally honest here...Your Mama does not have a clue where Hollywood hunkster and a-list celebrity of the moment Jake Gyllenhaal sleeps at night and brushes his teeth in the morning. If one is to believe the tabs, he may be spending some nights in Brentwood with soon to be dee-vorced Miz Reese Witherspoon. But we've always figured he lived near Runyan Canyon where he is often seen hiking, running his big German Shepard Atticus Finch and his Puggle Boo Radley, and biking up and down Mulholland Drive while stuffed into very tight and revealing lycra shorts.

So as a consolation prize Your Mama is pleased to present the house where the parent's of His Hollywood Highness call home and are offering for a short term least at $20,000/month. Television di-rector Stephen Gyllenhaal and screenwriter Naomi Foner purchased this property in June 1999 for $850,000 in cold hard cash. It would seem they've spent considering time and dough having the place renovated into a modestly sized, but beautifully detailed mid-century modern done over for the 21st century.

Your Mama loves this modestly size house that sits down a long driveway with a gated motor court and is so close to Runyon Canyon Park it's practically IN Runyon Canyon Park. The perfect spot for all the health nut Angelenos who enjoy a 47 mile hike before heading to the studios in Burbank or down to Robertson Boulevard for lunch at The Ivy.

The swimming pool, with it's angular lines works a perfect juxtaposition to the rustic and wild terrain of the canyon below the house.

We are also seriously digging those stairs. They are a little civic in design, but Your Mama thinks Miz Tyra Banks should lease this house for cycle 10 or 14 or 28, or whatever cycle is next on America's Next Top Model. Imagine those skinny bitches coming down those ridiculously cool steps wearing 5 inch platforms and wasps nests in their hair while Miss Jay hoots and hollers.

We are also appreciating the built in sofa lounges that are scattered around the back yard areas. We'd prefer them a little more if they had umbrellas or some other sort of moe-derne canopy to shade them from the blazing Southern California sun. And of course we see the fire pit, which has become so common and cliche in houses that Your Mama would tear that thing out or replace it with a contemporary sculpture that makes soothing clinking noises as the breeze blows.

The interior spaces have been pared down and unified with lightly polished concrete floors throughout the house (radiant heating we hope), and what looks like birch wood for the built in shelves, desks, and cabinetry in the kitchen and baths. We know the trend is toward dark cabinetry or something exotic like Indonesian zebra wood, but we're still digging the classic birch.

We have a special fondness for the dining room which looks almost like a rustic, but very expensive cabin in the bush of Africa. The pivoting doors open up creating a room that is as much outdoors as in. Although we worry about those doors standing open if there are not screens on them. Bugs.

The outdoor shower is dee-vine. Seriously. Two shower heads, a stacked wood enclosure. Really. Spectacular.

We haven't a clue why the Gyllenhaal/Foners would want to lease their house out or where they're going, although we're guessing they're heading to Brooklyn to spend some time with daughter Maggie's new bebe.

Or maybe they're headed out to spend the summer at their house on Martha's Vineyard.

Whatever the case, Your Mama hopes whomever leases this place will give us a call so we can come skinny dip in that pool. And we'd like to take advantage of the complimentary concierge service.

Who Is Aaron Kamin You Ask?

SELLER: Aaron Kamin
PRICE: $2,300,000
LOCATION: N. Kings Road, West Hollywood, CA
SIZE: 1,960 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms,
DESCRIPTION: Magical 1920s Spanish—Uniquely private, in the ultimate location. Walled and gated. Close to everything. Find inspiration and charm on a celebrity lined street.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: We did not know who Mister Kamin is either, so don't y'all be feeling bad. Turns out Aaron Kamin is (or was) the guitarist for a band called The Calling. Apparently this group had a hit song in 2001 that was featured on the television show Smallville. Your Mama does not mind telling the world that we've never seen a show called Smallville and we've never heard of a band named The Calling.

As a result, we are not sure those bona fides qualify Mister Kamin as a "celebrity" on our list. But, it's not the owner of this house that interests Your Mama, but the location. Although the house is just a short drive from The Ivy and supremely located for easy access to all the latest and greatest celebrity hot spots like Teddys and Hyde, it's also, di-rectly across the street from the home of the world's most famous for nothing blond convict. That's right children, 2.3 million smackers will get you Paris Hilton and her little dog Tinkerbell for neighbors. That and hordes of swarming paparazzi parked in front of your driveway firing their flashbulbs at all hours of the day and night.

Kamin bought this house in February of 2003 for $985,000. We know the Los Angeles real estate market has been blisteringly hot the last 5 or 6 years, but could this house really have appreciated that much?

Your Mama is not even going to comment on the decor of this place since it really stretching to even call it decor. We know not everyone cares to do up their house with pretty couches and fierce light fixtures, but seriously, the owner of this property has two Porsches, so we know he could have afforded for a nice gay decorator to get up in there and turn this frat house into a home. Shame.

Don't get Your Mama wrong, we like the house, with it's high walls, security gates, and the masses of be-thorned bougainvillea which will ensure the paps aren't climbing the walls of this house. The big living room with the high ceilings and the fireplace are lovely. The kitchen could use a re-do, but we like the way it opens to the breakfast room wrapped in arched windows. We do prefer more backyard space for the our long-bodied bitches Linda and Beverly to sniff, roam, and run, but we can appreciate a house that is surrounded by easy maintenance terraces that offer a nice, if not spectacular, view.

The place is also for rent for $11,000 per month, which Your Mama thinks is a brilliant idea. Much better than selling. First of all, this dude's mortgage can't be more than $4-5,000 per month, right? So an $11,000 renter is six or seven thousand in the pocket every month.

Mister Kamin, have you contacted the tabloid outlets? They might be seriously interested in renting your house for a few months after ol' Paris gets out of the clink.

Billy Joel Is At It Again

BUYER: Billy Joel
LOCATION: Sagaponack, NY
PRICE: $16,750,000
SIZE: 5,000 square feet (approx.) 5 bedrooms 5.5 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: The Hamptons high end real estate market may not be as frenzied and brisk as it has been the past few years, at least that's what we hear, but it none the less continues apace with singer/songwriter/serial drunk driver Billy Joel going to contract for an expensive ocean front house in swanky Sagaponack. Page Six of the NY Post reported the other day that Mister Billy Joel, who buys and sells alarming amounts of real estate, has gone to contract to purchase actor Roy Scheider's shingled ocean front house on Gibson Beach.

Here's what Your Mama knows about gorgeous Gibson Beach. It used to be the dog friendliest beach in the Hamptons, and Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter spent many pleasant afternoons watching our bitches Linda and Beverly frolic in the surf and roll in the warm sand. But alas, it's not as dog friendly as it used to be, and recently we've heard ugly stories of people receiving tickets for letting their pooches off leash.

Gibson Beach is also well known for being a place where the ladies can let the sun shine on their bare breests. Keep in mind that in order to park at Gibson Beach, you must have an expensive beach sticker, so don't any of your pervs from Massapequa drive out in your Ford Taurus hoping to get a look at rich lady boobs unless you're prepared to walk a very long way from one of the "public" beaches.

We have very little information on the house it is reported Joel is buying, and only the one photo above that a kind Hamptonite sent us. But we are familiar with the location of the house. Modest by Hamptons standards, the house sits on an acre of land right next to the parking area for Gibson Beach. Which means that on summer weekends all sorts of investment bankers, stay at home moms who drive Range Rovers, and topless ladies will be sitting on the beach out back of the house.

We're sure Mister Joel likes dogs, and we're positive he likes bare breasts, but this location is very public, and we have a tough time imagining he's going to be comfortable with beach goers being able to look up in his back yard.

Could this be an investment? Could he be purchasing a place for Alexa Ray to enjoy the summers? Anyone?

UPDATE: Vincent Gallo

Last week we linked over to a fascinating story on RADAR about the Wolffe House, the spectacular and sexy John Lautner designed house that weirdo actor Vincent Gallo recently put on the market for $5,995,000. Your Mama was subsequently contacted by the Tooth Fairy who gave us some additional information about the unlikely real estate mogul and the Wolffe House.

The Tooth Fairy claims to have been inside and know the Wolffe house well. And although he would "rob a bank" to own the place, he does not feel it's worth risking prison for the current price. The Tooth Fairy tells us something that property records do not reflect: that the house traded several times in quick succession before Gallo got his mitts on the place. First at $3.8 million, then at $4.2 million, and then to Gallo at $4.6 million. We are unable to verify those purchases or those sale prices, so please, children, understand that we have not laid down the gospel there.

It appears that crazy eyed Vincent always intended to flip the property. After purchasing, he quickly had the place covered by the Mills Act. Not only does this give the house a certain validation of architectural importance, it also gives the homeowner a significant break in taxes, up to 50%, in exchange for restrictions on the sorts of alterations and modifications that can be made to the house.

Once the place was covered by the Mills Act, the Tooth Fairy tells us Gallo tried to flip the place for $5.2 million. But, there were no takers for the pedigreed property. So he took the place off the sales market.

But, the kooky artist/actor who notoriously tried to sell his baby making juice on the internet for a million bucks, then trid to rent the place for fifty grand a month, a price that included the uber expensive furniture and a housekeeper. There were no takers for the rental, but it is still being offered at that price, so if you've got money to burn and an unwavering need to live in a Lautner for a short peeriod of time, give Mister Vincent a call.

Then, as we all know, the house was put back on the market, but this time with an even higher asking price of $5,995,000. Time will tell if this place will find a buyer...we sorta thought it would as it's gor-gee-us and pedigreed, but it seems like the modernism buyers in Los Angeles are a bit wary of that huge price.

Now children, we're going to shift gears here and go over to the Sierra Towers apartment building, where it so happens that Miss Lindsay Lohan bunks down when she's not getting clean at one rehab or another. Poor thing, bless her little heart. Last year Mister Vincent received a lot of press for selling a 1 bedroom, 26th floor unit at the Sierra Towers to cosmetic surgery junkie Cher for a staggering $4,500,000. Remember that babies? Well, the Tooth Fairy tells us that was not the only unit Gallo owned in the building. According to a lady friend of the Tooth Fairy, who was doing the dirty with the well endowed actor at the time, Gallo owned two additional apartments in the celeb friendly building. And sure enough, property records reveal that Gallo owned two units on the 8th floor. Both of these units have also been sold.

We expect to be hearing more from this unlikely real estate tycoon and we'll do our best to keep all the children informed and educated and he works his way though the LA real estate scene like a money making typhoon.

Joely Fisher's Indo-Asian Freak Out in Encino

SELLER: Joely Fisher and Christopher Duddy
LOCATION: Garvin Drive, Encino, CA
PRICE: $4,750,000
SIZE: 3,477, 4 bedrooms, 7 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Discover this Mid-Century single story Zen-Craftsman, moments from Mulhollan w/ sweeping views on almost three-quarters of an acre. Off cul-de-sac, up a private rd, to gated motor court with abundant prking complete w/fire pit. Liv rm is detailed by stone flrs & wd beamed ceil. Grmt kit w/stainless steel applncs & pantry. Mst w/walk-in closet, bath w/steam shwr, spa tub & views 2 meditation grdn. 2 gst quarters, one house the hm theater complete w/THX sound. Saline pool, authentic cabana frm India, & lrg lush yard.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Wowee! Seldom do we see a house so completely and thoroughly theme decorated. This place has so many Tibetan antiques, Indian artifacts, and pillows made out of fabric that resembles prayer flags tha the Dalai Lama could move right in to this house and not for a minute know he was in the San Fernando Valley. But this house does not belong to the Dalai Lama. No. It's owned by character ack-tress Joely Fisher and her cinematographer husband Chris Duddy. In case y'all don't know, Joely Fisher is the daughter of deadbeat dad Eddie Fisher (now happily reconciled) and the one time sex siren Connie Stevens. Parents like that make Miz Fisher Hollywood royalty.

Let's discuss the mama for a moment. Did y'all know that largely due to her Forever Spring line of cosmetics, that Miz Connie Stevens is widely considered to be one of the wealthiest women in Hollywood? According to the company website, earnings from sales on the the Home Shopping Network alone have grossed over 1 billion dollars. Yes, that's correct, we said billion. Bill-ee-ohn. So not only did Miz Connie know how to sing and preen her way to the top of the Hollywood ladder, she developed into a very smart and savvy bizness lady to boot.

Little Miss Joely Fisher grew up as a typical, even cliche, child of Hollywood celebrities...without much supervision and way too fast. She dabbled in drugs, wasn't always sure who her mama was bringing home to the big mansion on Delfern Drive, and wound up with an eating disorder. So typical. For the record, we aren't trying to paint Miz Connie in any sort of negative light. The single lady had to bring home the bacon to support her two children and she is to be commended for doing so all the while paying the mortgage on her huge house in Beverly Hills.

What is perhaps not so typical about little Miss Joely however, is that the born and bred Beverly Hills babe pulled herself up by her bootstraps and fought her way to a respectable television career. Most recently she's been starring opposite the very tall Brad Garrett in a sit-com called Til Death... But you may also remember her from her stint on Ellen (the sit-com, not the talk show) back in the mid-1990s. In 2006, while preggers and in possession of an insanely huge pair of boobs, she did a flawless turn on Desperate Housewives as Felicity Huffman's uptight and bitchy boss. Remember that kids? Good stuff.

Married to grey haired cinematographer Christopher Duddy in 1996, the couple have two small children, one of whom was born in this very house in early 2006. Given the heavy duty spiritual decor of this place, we assume this was some sort of hippy dippy home birth situation where the baby was born in the bath tub while monks chanted in the other room and a mid-wife in a head scarf whispered words of encouragement. Your Mama does not know if that's how it actually came down, but it's how we imagine it, you know?

Anyhoo, this house was purchased only in November of 2005 for $3,350,000 according to property records. Inneresting thing about the property records though. They don't show Mister Duddy's name. Rather, only those of Miz Joely and her super rich mama Miz Connie Stevens. Now, surely Miz Fisher and Mister Duddy can afford to purchase a home with their own hard earned income. But perhaps when your mama is as rich as Miz Stevens you don't have to.

This is not the first time Miz Joely has occupied a house that her mama owns. Prior to moving to Encino, Miz Joely lived in Beverly Hills on Tupelo Lane in a house that property records reveal was also owned by Miz Connie. Those same records show was sold about the same time this house in Encino was purchased. Again, we're sure Miz Joely and Mister Duddy have plenty of money of her own for a nice house, but more than likely, and we speculate here, all the properties are owned in some sort of family trust which protects ownership and benefits the taxes.

Located up a long private drive, this house provides amazing seclusion and privacy for a couple of celebs and their children. However, given that the Fisher-Duddy brood is growing, perhaps this house just isn't large enough to accommodate all the children, nannies, assistants, and various employees required to run a busy celebrity household. Hard to believe given the guest house and 7 bathrooms, but none the less they are selling.

Although it is quite convenient for industry types, Your Mama is not big on the Encino location. We do however, love the tucked away property which is perfect for celebrity types and seclusion seekers. Not only is the house located on an out of the way cul de sac, it's accessed up a long drive with a gated motor court. It is out of the way enough that no one is going to be accidentally ringing the bell on the security gates or driving up in the motor court to tun around. Seriously, another celebrity NEEDS to buy this house.

We would get rid of a lot of the Tibetan decor, but overall, we like this house. Which is sorta surprising because there are lots of elements in the photos that worry us. The stone floors are exquisite, and we can only hope they have radiant heating to warm the tootsies on cool mornings. The newly redone kitchen, while not blazing any paths of new-fangled design, works a pretty standard but totally acceptable contemporary vibe with the simple, but we are sure, very expensive cabinets and stainless steel appliances. We love that back wall, but we do wish those double ovens could have been put elsewhere so that we could appreciate the wood wall for being a wood wall.

The dining room is a completely upsetting mish-mash of styles. We love the Noguchi paper light fixture and we can almost get behind the kooky chairs. But the big brown cabinet at the back and the haphazard wall hangings aren't working. Your Mama would replace the cabinet with something less brown, re-hang the family photos, get rid of the fish bowl/vase thing on the table, and put a big red rug on the floor to stimulate the appetite and set the furniture off from the floor. And what's with the birdcage/wine storage device Joely? Uhm, no.

We do worry that getting in and out of that complicated bed structure while half asleep and needing to pee could be a problem. But it is a rather huge bed, and Your Mama adores a big bed. The mirror in the master bathroom is appalling. We don't meant to be cruel, because we LOVE little miss Joely, but that mirror is just so upsetting. Hunny, why do you want to get ready each morning in a room that resembles a dressing room of a Broadway theater? Your Mama can't even begin to calculate the excessive wattage of all those bulbs and we're breaking a sweat just thinking about how much make-up melting heat that mirror must throw off.

The screening room appears to be a respite from all the Indo-Asian decor, which we appreciate. And we're loving the back yard with the pool sunk right into the grass and, surprisingly, we even dig the Indian cabana structure which looks like an excellent place to lay around and read scripts.

Given the rather high asking price, it appears the couple is looking to cash in big time on this property. If all goes well, they'll net more than a million bucks in less than two years of ownership. We're not sure if this is impressive or greedy. Or both. Your Mama wishes them luck in selling and a happy new home.

Sources: Internet Movie Data Base, Glitterati Gossip, Forever Spring

UPDATE: Jeff Bezos' Real Estate Pornography

Y'all remember the big Bev Hills house we discussed back in April that internet tycoon Jeff Beszos recently purchased in Bev Hills? The house had been listed at $31,000,000, sprawls across 12,000 square feet of Mediterranean fabulosity, and shares a property line with the current (bust soon to be one-time) Crooz compound on N. Alpine Drive.

Anyhoo, yesterday Mister Big Time over at Big Time Listings tells us the deeds and paperwork for the purchase have been filed and cleared public records and reveal that Bezos got a pretty good deal on the 2 acre spread.

According to Mister Big Time (and public records) Bezos paid $24,450,000 for the property, which is still a shocking amount of money by anyone's standards, but far less than the $31,000,000 asking price.

Your Mama imagines that Mister Bezo's property values will rise the moment the moving trucks pull away from the Crooz compund producing some immediate equity in the property.

Sandy Gallin's 40th Flip Out in Beverly Hills

SELLER: Sandy Galllin
LOCATION: Summit Drive, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: around $20,000,000
SIZE: 7,500 square feet, 4 bedroom, 5 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: A few weeks ago Your Mama told the children about a big ol' house on Summit Drive that music tycoon Sandy Gallin bought, renovated, and flipped even before it ever hit the market. Today, Miz Ruth Ryan, the doyenne of celebrity real estate who writes the Hot Properties column for the LA Times, also discussed this property, telling us it was the 40th renovation project of Mister Gallin.

Since the house never really hit the open market, we don't have any specifics on the renovation other than what our little tipster told us a few weeks ago, so we have to go with what Miz Ryan tells us in terms of square footage and the number of bedrooms and bathrooms.

Mister Gallin is known for working his flip properties into frothy confections of contemporary traditional design...you know, libraries covered in pickled paneling, huge Aubusson rugs that cost a small fortune, wing-backed chairs, glittery chandeliers, and some serious artwork on the walls. And let's not forget the photos of his diva lady friends who require only one name like Cher, Dolly and Whoopie.

Your Mama would like to tell you that we got some covert photos of the renovated house he just sold on Summit Drive, but we don't. Instead, thanks to our fairy godmother, we managed to get our greedy little fingers on some photos and information about the house PRE-renovation.

According to the listing information, the house was purchased in November of 2005 for $5,350,000 after being listed initially at $6,495,000 and later reduced to $5,750,000. Prior to Mister Gallin getting his hands on the property, the house was listed as having 5,969 square feet with 6 bedrooms and 7.5 bathrooms. Miz Ryan reports the house at 7,500 square feet with 4 bedrooms and 5 bathrooms. Your Mama presumes Mister Gallin expanded the size of the house while reducing the the number of bedrooms.

Children, please note, the photos above are of the house PRE-renovation. You got that? PRE-renovation. We can only hope that Mister Gallin did some fine tuning of the exterior of this place, because if anyone were to ask Your Mama, and of course no one did, that was one butt-ugly house. Extremely well located and wonderfully sited on a uber private flag lot, but ridiculously ugly. Your Mama does however adore that oval swimming pool which harkens back to the glory days of Hollywood when starlets married closeted gay actors and everyone, and we mean everyone, had butlers to serve them pool side martinis.

Now please, Mister Gallin, send us some photos of the renovated property. The children are hungry for photos and Your Mama is very curious what you've done to the place.

Mariah O'Brien in Los Feliz

SELLER: Mariah O'Brien and Trae Carlson
LOCATION: N. Vermont, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $3,750,000
SIZE: 5,218 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 5.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Gated Mediterranean Compound with Lush Tropical Landscape and large grassy lawn. Rotunda entry with Vintage Tile and Stenciling, Large Beamed Living Room with Hardwood Floors and Fireplace, Separate Family/Media Room, Formal Dining Room, New Vintage Kitchen, Breakfast room and Powder. Upstairs Huge Master with Sitting Room & Walk-ins, plus three family bedrooms. Outside Huge Moroccan Covered Patio overlooks salt water pool & spa. Huge Guest House with Guestroom/gym/media and upstairs office

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: We're dumping this one in today because Mariah O'Brien just happens to be the actress ex-wife and baby momma of Giovanni Ribisi, who we discussed briefly this morning. Ribisi and O'Brien, a couple of Scientologists, were dee-vorced in 2001, but not before they had a daughter they named after an ill-fated heroine in a Donizetti opera. Which is so cultured and arty we can hardly stand it.

Anyhoo, after getting un-hitched from Ribisi, O'Brien went and found herself a new man in Trae Carlson. Now there's no reason you'd know Mister Carlson's name, but he is a film and music producer who was once married to Carol Burnett's daughter Erin Hamilton.

According to property records, the couple purchased this house on a gorgeous, tree lined section of N. Vermont in December of 2005 for $2,700,000. The Mediterranean style house includes a rotunda entry featuring a sweeping stair case worthy of a Norma Desmond moment. Note the humongous Helmut Newton book SUMO propped up in the entrance hall on the Phillip Starck designed display rack. Impressive if you're into these things since only 10,000 were printed. Each was signed and numbered by Newton himself and sold for a whopping $6,500. It's filled with portraits of people in various stages of nekkidness. So, not really a book for the kiddies to be flipping through with their sticky peanut butter and jelly fingers.

While not to our particular taste, the house appears to be very tastefully, elegantly, and thoughtfully decorated. However, if you don't look closely at some of the artwork on the walls, you would be forgiven for thinking this house looks like it is owned by much older people. We are beside ourselves with delight seeing all the books in book shelves and picture books stacked on tables throughout the house. If we've said it once, we've said it twice, books help to make a house a home. And they make it look like someone with brains lives up in the crib.

We're not feeling that blood red dining room. We're uncomfortable with that glass fronted, country-looking cabinet, and we feel mixed on the expensive silk Fortuny chandelier--we've always been a wee unsure of them. But the gold leafed ceiling is pee your pants delicious.

We swoon over the covered space on the back of the house overlooking the pool, which has been kitted out as an outdoor room complete with ceiling fan to stir up the air. Could there be a better vantage point from which to sip a mai-tai and watch shirtless Pablo the pool boy skim the leaves?

And the guest house, well, it does look like something in Key West, but we do so love a guest house. Nothing better than having a separate structure for housing the less favored guests and family members.

We have no idea where the couple will be moving, or if they're even still a couple (anyone?), but given the purchase price in 2005, they are looking to make more than a million smacks in less than two years. Not bad.

Sources: Taschen, Internet Movie Data Base

Your Mama Hears...

...That sad eyed actor Giovanni Ribisi is buying a condominium in Silver Lake. The 2 bedroom and 2 bathroom unit is part of a new complex of townhouse like condominiums right on Silver Lake Boulevard and was listed at $675,000. The photos below are not the actual unit, but another in the same complex.

Your Mama is not able to confirm this purchase through property records so we're going on the good word of Lucy Spillerguts, one of our more prolific and always correct tipsters.

Your Mama can't imagine why the Scientologist and brother-in-law of Beck would want to buy a condo instead of a house, but then again, we're not even sure this condo is being purchased for his own use. Could be just another landing pad for the Scientologist faithful? An interim place while he renovates a house? Or maybe he's just a modest living actor, which is a notion that, strangely, we almost never consider when talking about celebs.

In 2005, Ribisi, along with a lot of the other big name Scientologists like Leah Rimini, Jenna Elfman, the Presley women, and of course, the king of Scientology, Tom Cruise, participated in the opening of the controversial "Psychiatry: An Industry of Death Museum" in Hollywood.

Some of the unsubstantiated allegations about psychiatry this museum puts forth include that psychiatrists are responsible for creating suicide bombers and master minded the 9/11 attacks. (Can you hear Your Mama gasping?). This museum also claims that psychiatry is responsible for the Holocaust and the ethnic cleansing in the Balkans. (More gasping.) And finally, the museum claims that between 10 and 25 percent of psychiatrists sexually abuse their patients. (gasping and staggering now).

Now children, Your Mama doesn't really have a lot of beefs with Scientology...we find its beliefs and creation stories are no more frighteningly surreal and unbelievable than any of the other major religions. But we do get our hackles up about the psychiatry issue. If a Scientologist chooses not to go the route of therapy or psychiatry, well so be it. But spouting off unsupported nonsense like this only makes them look, well, a little off their nut.

Besides, who among us thinks Mister Tom Crooz would not benefit from some time in the chair? Pleeze. He may be richer than the Pope and sit at the top of the Scientology heap, but he seems a little half-crocked to us lately. Humble as our opinion may be, Your Mama thinks this man is headed down the same road that Michael Jackson traveled and is slowly turning himself into a parody of who he once was, a legend in his own mind.

Anyhoo, as usual, we digress. Despite Ribisi's rather alarming stance on psychiatry, Your Mama wishes him a smooth closing on this condo, and a happy home, wherever that may be.