Grace Hightower Finally Sells Bachelorette Pad

SELLER: Grace Hightower
LOCATION: Trump Palace, 200 East 69th Street, 25th Floor
PRICE: $2,495,000 ($4,060 per month maintenance and taxes)
SIZE: 1,653 square feet, 2 bedrooms 3 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: (shortened from listing agent's website) Contemporary yet classic, this vibrant yet peaceful 2 bedroom, easily convertible to a three bedroom home is suited for fine family living as well as exciting entertaining. With an open, airy feel and panoramic city skyline views, this tasteful, inspiring space has a lovely, gracious living room with large balcony. The galley kitchen spills onto a windowed dining room. The amply scaled second bedroom has an en suite marble bath and handsome custom built-ins. The master bedroom has its own marble bath with Jacuzzi tub and separate stall shower, double sink, huge custom-fitted walk-in closet, and an alcove sitting area.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: This week in his Gimme Shelter column in the NY Post, Braden Keil gives us an update on the real estate dealings of Miz Grace Hightower, wife of Oscar winning actor and New York fixture Robert DeNiro. Property records indicate Miz Hightower purchased this apartment in 2000, which was shortly after DeNiro filed for a dee-vorce. No doubt this was the petit safe place where the lady licked her wounds and plotted her next moves in life and love. However, although the couple remained estranged for about four years, they eventually reconciled sometime in 2003. Shortly thereafter began a looong house hunt for a new love nest that was followed obsessively by all real estate the gossips.

After a long time on the market, the couple finally sold their Tribeca penthouse in 2005, for $12,250,000 according to Keil, and begin leasing on the Upper West Side. After an exhaustive search through dozens of pricey and swanky apartments and townhouses, the couple finally settled on a 15-room Upper West Side duplex that they purchased from Eve Weinstein (ex-wife of movie tycoon Harvey) for a reported price of just under $21,000,000.

All this time, Miz Hightower hung on to her Upper East Side condo located in The Trump Palace, one of Donald Trump's dee-luxe towers and one of the tallest buildings on the Upper East Side. Perhaps she was hedging her bets, or perhaps she just wanted a place to get away to when things got intense at the rental.

In addition to the 25th floor unit with 2 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms, Hightower purchased four storage units in the building. Gurl's gotta store her out of season shoes and bags somewhere, and they may as well be close by in the basement for easy access. The listing states the four store rooms are included in the sale, but Keil tells us that three of the four have already been sold, at a profit, and presumably, to other tenants.

Your Mama is not the Upper East Side type and we are certainly not the Trump building type, but we do find the layout of this apartment attractive. We appreciate the winged bedrooms so the snoring and/or screwing guests won't disturb the owner.

Anchored by ebonized floors and wrapped in glass on two walls, the reasonably sized living room leads to a small terrace, perfect for evening cocktails, except for those poor souls who suffer from acrophobia. The galley kitchen is pretty standard in these Trump buildings. The Donald and his designers and architects clearly think Trump Palace dwellers will eat out or order in most of the time. Because, let's face it, this kitchen will only accommodate early morning coffee making and late night aspirin taking.

The large master bedroom includes a sitting area which again, provides a necessary sanctuary when in-laws and other unwanted guests are in temporary residence. The double walk in closets in the master are nice and the listing states they are custom fitted, which is even nicer.

Keil notes that the apartment has gone to contract so we expect the moving trucks will be lining up on East 69th Street in order to transfer the storage unit contents across town to the new apartment.

We hope the sale of this condo indicated that Miz Hightower and Mr. DeNiro have passed the awkward stages of reconciliation and have begun to properly nest down in their huge Central Park West duplex.

Sources: NY Post

Michael LaFetra's Modernist Masterpiece in Brentwood

SELLER: Michael LaFetra
LOCATION: Elkins Road, Brentwood, CA
PRICE: $3,995,000
SIZE: 3,108 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Rich House Residence 1967. Restored to its purist state, the Mid-Century Modern, designed by Thornton Abell, a Case Study Architect, is a masterpiece created by this International Stylist. The indoor/outdoor flow w/modified courtyard lvg. Walnut wd paneling walls & split mrbl fp & dng rom. Walls of glass. St. to st. lot apx. 3/4 AC w/ natural amphitheater. Lrg mstr w/ patio, walk-ins & dressing area. Registered as a LA Historical Cultural Monument.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Well, here we have a house with a serious architectural ped-i-gree that has been worked over by actor/producer and serial renovator/restorer Michael LaFetra. No, he's not a household name, nor does he make for juicy stories in the tabloids. But anyone who cares a lick about the Los Angeles architectural modernism scene certainly knows who this dude is.

To say that Mister LaFetra likes modernist houses in an extreme understatement. The gentleman with an eye for modern has bought, renovated, and sold a handful of significant Modernist houses including a Rudolph Schindler house in Sherman Oaks, and Case Study House #21 up on Wonderland Park Avenue in the Hollywood Hills that was designed by one of Your Mama's favorite maverick architects, Pierre Koenig. LaFetra also commissioned the very last residential design by Koenig, a big glass box on an ocean front lot in Malibu.

Even if you don't recognize Koenig's name, you would absolutely recognize his most iconic design, the breathtaking Stahl House (Case Study House #22), from the thousand and one television commercials and print advertisements it has been featured. The house, built in 1960 and located on Woods Drive, appears to float above Sunset Boulevard and represents the quintessential Los Angeles sexy pad.

However, let's get to the house that has recently been put up for sale high up in the canyons of Brentwood. Built in 1967 by one of the lesser known Case Study architects, Thornton Abell, the front of the house wraps around an entrance courtyard. Your Mama loves a courtyard almost as much as we love a long, gated driveway. Courtyards keep our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly safely contained.

According to property records, Mister LeFetra bought this flat-roofed beauty in January of 2005 for an undisclosed purchase price and quickly moved to have it registered as a Los Angeles Historical-Cultural Monument. Which is lovely and certainly sounds great, but it really doesn't mean much other than the city of Los Angeles deems the property notable for one reason or another and would likely move to stop any sort of demolition or significant alteration. However, As Your Mama understands, the LAHCM has no real authority to actually stop demolition or alteration. Too bad. Your Mama prefers preservation committees have some teeth and power.

We don't really know how much work and money LaFetra put into this house, but from the photos it looks mostly like a cosmetic renovation. Have the bathrooms been updated? Anyone know?

We like the spare and all-white kitchen, but that 7-burner electric stove concerns us a bit. We're sure that relic heats up, and for some people it's probably nice to have more than a half dozen burners, but who buys a $4,000,000 house and wants to cook on electric coils anymore? We totally get the red apples are meant to tie into the red paint accents on the exterior of the house, which is a little be cheeseball, but none the less, we do like the way they look lined up and ready for some skinny bitch in a glittery Tori Burch dress to pluck one off the shelf for her dinner before heading out to Les Deux.

The fireplace in the large living room appears to have been re-faced with some sort of stacked stone. Your Mama thinks a twisty brass sculpture hanging over the fireplace would look great. The floor to ceiling sliders look original to the house, and we love them. This room beautifully operates as a shelter from the elements while blurring the distinction between indoors and out with the huge amount of glazing.

Your Mama is not in love with the landscaping in the backyard, we might like to see more drought tolerant succulents and grasses. We get so tired of seeing crazy shaped water pits in the backyard that are supposed to look like ponds or some other cockamamie natural creation, so we are completely loving the big, simply shaped rectangular swimming pool that isn't trying to be anything but a swimming pool. Your Mama is always on the hunt for a nice spot to sit in the shade and protect the fragile skin, and the small patio off the living room overlooking the pool suits us just fine for a shady and cool place to sit sipping a gin and tonic in the late afternoon.

It's unclear to Your Mama if LaFetra actually lives in this house, but we expect there is a long list of folks in Los Angeles who are looking to purchase architecturally significant houses and we imagine Mister LaFetra will be saying goodbye to this house very soon.

Sources: Sky Scraper City

Vincent Gallo,

We can all take a real estate lesson from kooky actor/artist Vincent Gallo, who has become well known for buying and selling architecturally significant properties and selling them on at big profits, sorta like Ellen and Portia.

Today RADAR tells us that the stunning John Lautner house he purchased last year has been put back on the market at a tremendous profit.

Head on over to RADAR for the deets and photos of a house that has Your Mama weeping with envy.

Christie Brinkley Selling off Ocean Front House

SELLER: Christie Brinkley
LOCATION: Flying Point Road, Water Mill, NY
PRICE: $7,900,000
SIZE: 4 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Enjoy your summer in this absolutely charming beach house, 4 bedrooms, 2 baths, with ocean side deck and also includes frontage on Mecox Bay! A rare find and priced to sell!

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Do y'all know the difference between rich and filthy rich? Rich is owning a 20 acre, $25,000,000 land locked estate in Bridgehampton, which many regard as the best Hampton. Filthy rich is ALSO owning an $8,000,000 ocean front beach shack just a few miles away, which spares one's family and friends the indignity of having to cavort on the public sections of the wide sandy beaches of Hamptons with the common folk.

And this, my people, is exactly what super rich super model Christie Brinkley has been able to do the last few years that she's owned the house on Flying Point Road that she recently put on the market in the aftermath of her public separation and impending dee-vorce from Hamptons architect, former model, and philanderer Peter Cook.

Brinkley has long lived on a 20+ acre estate on Brick Kiln Road in Bridgehampton (Sag Harbor address) that is accessed down a long driveway and includes a huge shingled house, barn/garage for 4+ cars, guest house, an all glass greenhouse/conservatory, a very long swimming pool, and secluded tennis court in the woods.

According to reports, the model mommy added to her Hamptons holdings in December of 2005 when she and Peter purchased an oceanfront house in Water Mill for a reported $4,900,000. Although her then hubby Peter is an architect of note in the Hamptons, not much work was done on this somewhat ordinary, but extremely well located house. While Your Mama can not confirm how the house was used, we suspect it was used as a day house so that the family could surf, sun, and frolic during the summer months. The listing shows that a pool permit has been applied for, so perhaps there were plans to renovate the house in the future.

The Flying Point Road house is buttressed by water on two sides, the Atlantic to the South and Mecox Bay to the North, so even though the house is sort of a wreck, the water views dazzle, delight and make up for the house's shabbiness. A large, raised deck on the back provides unimpeded views up and down the glitzy and ritzy sands of Water Mill, and a small path across Flying Point Road gives access to Mecox Bay. The house has 4 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms, and most importantly, sandy path over the dunes to the ocean.

We can all feel for Miz Christie Brinkley having to cope with the shameful shenanigans of her philandering huzband, who apparently has a penchant for very young women. But Your Mama suspects none of us will be crying ourselves to sleep as she drives her big Lexus SUV the four miles from her vast Bridgehampton estate to her ocean front shack on Flying Point Road in Water Mill this summer.

Now children, do not be writing us some stoopid comments and sending us emails about about how money does not by happiness or insulate one from pain and suffering. We know. We also know that problems is problems is problems, and no matter how you slice it, your huzband sleeping around with a teenager is a shitty and difficult situation to deal with.

But, as shallow, and even hollow as this may make Your Mama, we think owning millions of dollars of ridiculously expensive real estate in ultra exclusive locales takes a wee bit of the sting away. The still gorgeous Miz Brinkley may have to cope with a no good cheating huzband and father of her children, but at least she gets to go home to some mighty fine houses.

Miz Brinkley and flirty Peter continue to own a fair number of properties in the Hamptons, including the Farhy Road property in Sag Harbor where the sexual tricks and trysts between the Mister and his very young girly-friend took place. We imagine that at some point Miz Brinkley will want to sell that scene of the crime, but for now she's holding on to the property, which we're sure puts a bee in Peter's bonnet.

Your Mama wishes Miz Brinkley all the best in the future. We feel deep in our gut she's going to stick it to Peter in the dee-vorce in very subtle and pointed ways. Like asking the court to decree that when the children are with Peter they not be allowed to fly commercial, but rather only on private places. Which we all know the aging playboy will not be able to afford once his one-time cash cow signs those dee-vorce papers. We hope grinding Peter into the dee-vorce court ground will allow Miz Brinkley to move on to another fella who will recognize how good he's got it bedding down at night with a super rich super model and super mommy.

Now babies, humor Your Mama here, because we want to tell a non-real estate story about Miz Brinkley. Last September, the Dr. Cooter and Your Mama had us some excellent tickets to the finals of the US Open. So there we are sitting in our seats eating ice cream and minding our own bizness, when two sets into the match swoops Miz Brinkley, her two youngest children, and a couple of their pals, escorted by a US Open official. Down into the front row they go where they proceed to stand up, take flash photography, and lean over the railings. During the match! Now we know this was back when all this cheating brouhaha was front page tabloid fodder and we understand the lady must have been under terrible strain, but Your Mama thinks all that activity was distracting and R.U.D.E. the players, not to mention the other spectators sitting nearby. We got nothing against Miz Brinkley. We feel for her, we do. But gurl, you and yer kids might want to learn some tennis match etiquette if yer going to be sitting down in the first row this year. Seriously. Do not let Your Mama catch you acting a fool like that again, because this year we won't just smile at you and act like we weren't completely perturbed.

Sources: Newsday, Fox News, NY Post, HecklerSpray

Tori and Dean's Inn-decent Deceit

Oh dear. All the children know how much Your Mama loves us some Tori Spelling.

We love that Tori can be be self deprecating and make fun of herself in a town where most people take themselves FAR too seriously.

We love that despite the vaunted family name and the Hollywood pedigree, she's makes her own money by forging her own crazy, reality show path.

We love that she had a million dollar wedding in the driveway of the family's Holmby Hills monster mansion, and then decided shortly thereafter that groom wasn't right for her.

We love that you never see Tori shouting and cursing and taking swings at the paps and fans...she knows that without them, she is nothing but a struggling actor with a recognizable family name.

We fell out for her reality show So NoTORIous with Loni Anderson's flawless performances as Tori's make-believe mother.

All of it. We love her. Seriously, we have always wanted to be friends with Donna Mar...uhm, Tori.

But we are saddened and aghast at the many reports that have been coming out in the recent weeks about the inn Tori and huzband Dean SAY they bought in the wilds of San Diego County. Surely all of the children know that Tori and Dean claim they dumped their life savings (and her meager inheritance) into buying and running the bed and breakfast they called Chateau la Rue...after her beloved Pug Mimi La Rue.

But turns out they didn't even buy the place let alone dump their life savings or her pitiful inheritance into the place. According to The New York Times and others, Tori and Dean are LEASING the place. LEASING!? Tori, babe, please say it ain't so. Please tell Your Mama you didn't willingly deceive the world into feeling sorry for your ass over that mother of yours and the pittance you received when your father kicked it.

Seriously, how do we know any of it's true now? Maybe you really got $8 million. Or $80 million. How are we to believe you now? Good grief.

Additional reports say that now the filming for the reality show is over, the Chateau La Rue, which is actually called Oak Creek Manor, is FOR SALE. For $2,600,000.

Your Mama is crushed. Just crushed.

On an additional real estate note, now that the reality show is done filming down in Fallbrook, the couple have moved back to Beverly Hills where we hear they've leased a relatively modest 5 bedroom and 3 bathroom house with a nice swimming pool in the backyard. The house happens to be just up the road from new Bev Hills residents Sexy and The Spice Gurl. Do we see a pool party in the future for these four?

Sources: New York Times, Curbed LA, Hotel Chatter

Slash in the Hollywood Hills

SELLER: Slash
LOCATION: Wattles Drive, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $6,995,000
SIZE: 1.76 acres, 5,539 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 6.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Spanish masterpiece sited majestically on apx. 1.76 acre promontory at the end of a private, gated road. Massive views throughout, from Downtown L.A. to the ocean. Beautiful walled courtyard. Fabulous indoor & outdoor living rms w/fireplaces. Wonderful chef's kitchen. Media/billiards rm. Master suite w/its own private patio & fireplace, & 3 add'l bdrms in the main house, each w/their own baths. Separate gsthse w/bath. Separate gym. Beautiful detail work & landscaping. Designed for entertaining.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Your Mama was never much of a fan of the heavy metal hair bands, but even we know that Slash, real name Saul Hudson, become famous for wearing top hats and playing crazy guitar in the 1980s and 90s in the hugely successful band Guns & Roses. That band, whose lead singer was, of course, bad boy Axl Rose, busted up in the mid 1990s over reports that Axl and Slash were unable to get along well enough to continue to collaborate. Some reports even say the two have not spoken since they band officially broke up in 1996 and that the feud remains bitter to this day.

Slash went on to form a couple other bands, eventually regrouping with a few members of Guns & Roses to form Velvet Revolver. Your Mama has never heard of Velvet Revolver, but apparently they were in the studio last year recording their second album. An album we're sure rockers dudes with ratted hair and bandannas tied around their thighs eagerly await.

Side note: Back in the late 1980s Your Mama was associated with someone who was temporarily staying up in Axl Rose's house. So, of course, we had the phone number to the house, and we distinctly recall speaking to our well connected pal on the telephone one day and there was all this intense shouting going on in the background. Turns out Mister Rose was having a primal scream therapy session. That's about all we know about Axl Rose.

Anyhoo, in 2001 Slash married a lady named Perla and they proceeded to make a couple babies and, according to property records, nest down in the unlikely suburb of Sherman Oaks in a house they bought in March of 2002 for $2,150,000. The very private house, located up a long and gated driveway, has 5,980 square feet with 6 bedrooms and 7 bedrooms, as well as a backyard with an infinity edged swimming pool and views of the San Fernando Valley.

However, in the Spring of 2006 rumors began to circulate and reports began to come out that Slash had filed for a dee-vorce from Perla. Some said it was because of a Yoko Ono like situation where Perla was trying to exert too much influence on Slash and Velvet Revolver. Which may have some truth to it, but Your Mama suspects the couple's decision to part was likely a result of far more complicated and personal issues.

Interestingly, in December of 2005, Slash went out and bought this house on Wattles Drive for an undisclosed sum of money. Your Mama has no idea if this purchase was related to the dee-vorce, but the timing certainly indicates it was. Although this house looks like it is staged to within and inch of looking ridiculous, is our understanding the guitarist did in fact move into this house at the beginning of 2006, months before reports of the dee-vorce.

The house is located up a gated street, so don't any of you people think you can roll up to this house and catch a glimpse of Mister Slash practicing his guitar picking. It ain't happening. You'll just have to make due with the photos here of the six car garage, the back yard with spectacular views of Los Angeles, and the very, very beige interior.

The Spanish style house wraps around an courtyard at the front providing a quiet and protected place to read a book, meditate, or in Slash's case, quietly practice new guitar licks. The back of the property drops off sharply and allows just about every room of the house to have explosive views of Los Angeles from downtown to the ocean.

Although there is little we appreciate in the furniture and decor of this house, there are plenty of architectural features we find appealing such as the peaked wooden ceilings and the tremendous arched window in the sunken living room with the curved and beautifully tiled steps leading down from the front entrance.

The red Venetian glass dining room chandelier is a welcome burst of color, but we are extremely disappointed with the dining room chairs. The kitchen is certainly well appointed and we love the gargantuan Viking range, but otherwise it's just a well appointed beige kitchen that cost more money than most people's automobiles.

The master bedroom is large. We like the carpet, even though it's a little small for the room. And course we like the ceiling, but otherwise this room could be cleared out and have a nice gay decorator turned loose to turn it into a dee-luxe paradise. And the tray on the big bed? We know the benefits of staging a property, but it is our opinion that this tray is one step over the line. Who leaves a tray of stuff on their bed like that? Seriously, who?

Can you see Slash up in that beige bathroom ratting his hair and painting on the eyeliner in a pair of tight leather pants. No, we can't either.

The small back yard pool area is totally focused on the big view, and sitting out there in the buff on a chaise lounge soaking up sun and sipping on a French 75 cocktail would certainly make one feel like they had succeeded in and conquered the wilds of Hollywood. The lawn looks green and well cared for, but Your Mama might have gone with something that requires less maintenance like flag stone with big potted plants creating more of a Mediterranean terrace sort of feel.

Because of the extreme staging, we suspect but have no confirmation, that Slash has vacated the premises. Your Mama has no clue where the rock star might have decamped. Perhaps to the Chateau Marmont? Or maybe, just maybe, back to Sherman Oaks? We have not read, heard, or gleaned from anyone that Slash and Perla are getting back together, so don't any of you rocker bloggers out there tell anyone that Your Mama said they were. We're just making uneducated guesses

In addition to the house in Sherman Oaks, and the this place high in the hills of Hollywood, Slash also appears to own a small house wedged between Eagle Rock and Glendale the separated couple purchased in 2005 for $300,000, as well as a small 2 bedroom apartment near the Beverly Center that Slash as owned for many years. Your Mama doesn't have a clue why the couple would continue to own these properties, but perhaps they are for family or staff?

Because of the privacy, size, and location of this house, Your Mama expects there will be considerable interest from buyers. Not only is there room for the owner's fleet of luxury cars in the 6 car garage, the street is gated for security and privacy, and there's a separate one bedroom apartment above the garage for a nanny or the in-law that stays too long. It's a perfect celebrity home, or for someone that just wants to live like one.

Sources: Internet Movie Data Base, Contact Music, Blabbermouth

More on Ellen and Portia

OWNERS: Ellen Degeneres and Portia di Rossi
LOCATION: Zorada Drive, Los Angeles, CA
SIZE: 1.63 acres, 3,994 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: A few days ago, before we wasted our brain on gin and tonics and frozen yogurt over the holiday weekend, Your Mama discussed one of the houses up on Zorada Drive in Los Angeles that Ellen Degeneres and Portia di Rossi, the world's favorite Sapphic couple, put on the market for $2,300,000.

However, the house that has been listed is not the couple's personal residence. Ellen and Portia live in a long, low house on an adjoining property. We really haven't a clue who stays up in the house that's been listed for sale. Maybe Mama Betty? Guests? Staff? Friends? How extraordinarly and deliciously extravagent would it be to have a guest house of that caliber?

One of our readers kindly wrote in that the house Ellen and Portia actually live is a T-shaped ranch style house that was done over by super star architects Marmol-Radziner for the previous owner, a very successful commercial director by the name of David Ramser. And our reader was correct. There was a fair amount of hoopla when the girls purchased this house including a report on Defamer that stated they paid "around $6.5 million" for this house. Property records show an undisclosed purchase price.

So naturally Your Mama went a-looking for some photographs for the children. Keep in mind these photos reflect the furniture choices of Ramser and not Portia and Ellen. We imagine the gurls have the house filled with a truckload of very expensive mid century modern pieces. In another life Your Mama sold Miss Portia a chandelier and we wonder if that fixture is hanging up in this house as we type.

The assessor shows the house at 3,995 square feet, but Marmol-Radziner show the house as having 4,360 square feet, including an 1,100 square foot great room and a 920 square foot master suite. The flooring in the house is a continuous flow of randomly sized pieces of Pennsylvania blue stone which extends out of the house house and becomes the surface for the 2,590 square feet of exterior patio space creating a seamless flow from indoors to outdoors.

Like we do with all of Ellen and Portia's real estate holdings, Your Mama imagines we would swoon and faint from delight over this house if it were to come on the market as well. We'll let you know if that happens, and of course, you let us know if you hear of anything too.

Sources: Marmol Radziner, Benny Chan (photos), Defamer

Your Mama Would Like to Wish...

...All the children a very happy and safe Memorial Day Weekend. Your Mama really hasn't a clue what we're all supposed to be memorializing, but Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter are taking this opportunity to spend a few days in a beachfront shack staring at the water and watching our little bitches Linda and Beverly sun their long bodies on the hot sand.

We got The Chicken and one of her kooky friends coming out for the weekend, and we intend to work those two like poorly treated house maids in exchange for providing them with a place to sleep so close to the water you can smell the salt.

We do not expect to be blogging again until next Tuesday. But one never knows. Your Mama just might get a bug in our bonnet to blog and post something before then. Otherwise we'll be back on Tuesday with heaps more celebrity real estate pornography.

Bye now...

Suzanne Somers' Temporary Housing.

RENTER: Suzanne Somers and Alan Hamel
LOCATION: Serra Retreat, Sweetwater Mesa Road, Malibu, CA
PRICE: $25,000/month
SIZE: 4.35 acres, 5,015 square feet, 4 bedrooms and 4 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Let's face it, Miss Suzanne Somers is a kook. She is. But that's why the world loves and appreciates her, right? Your Mama first learned to love Miss Suzanne Somers in her role as the dimwitted and big titted Chrissy on Three's Company back in the late 1970s. Back then millions of highly hormoned teenage boys touched themselves privately while looking at her pictures. But unfortunately the lady was fired after five seasons for asking for a raise. Imagine that?

Then came the "Thigh Master," and anyone with a television was tortured with the infomercials where lycra-clad Miss Suzanne Summers squeezed a cheap and vulgar looking contraption between her thighs in a way that was more than just a little suggestive. All the while she grinned at the camera like the Cheshire cat talking about her firm thighs and booty. Dear jeezis, Your Mama is just so glad we are no longer subjected to that insanity.

Next came the "Somersizing" phenomena, where over weight ladies and gentlemen across America were encouraged to "Eat, Cheat, and Melt the Fat Away." Which certainly sounds appealing, but naturally Your Mama is skeptical. Miss Suzanne Somers continues to hawk her "Somersizing" program and makes boo-coo bucks selling the shit on the Home Shopping Network. Of course.

Most recently we have the brave breast cancer survivor and one-time ack-tress up on that Larry King Live show shrieking and yapping about something called Bioidentical Hormone Replacement Therapy. Lawhd children, Your Mama only knows the definition of two of those four words, so we can't even begin to tell you what that is all about. But we know it is very controversial. Perhaps the nearly dead Larry King should consider a treatment or two of the bio-stuff if it'll help him see his youngest children graduate elementary school. Oh, ouch.

Miss Suzanne Summers has long been a resident of Malee-boo, and in January of 2007 her mansion burned to the ground during a wild fire. To the ground children. She lost every material thing she owned at that house. A real tragedy. Ever the optimist, Miss Suzanne Somers was quoted as saying, "My nature is to look at the glass half-full. I truly believe we will learn something great from this experience." Well, Your Mama may think she's strange like fruit, but we gotta respect that kind of positive thinking.

Miss Suzanne Somers and her ex-game show host huzband Alan Hamel are rebuilding their home, but in the meantime they need a place to live. It is Your Mama's understanding the couple have leased this big house up in the Serra Retreat to live in while construction proceeds full steam ahead on their house. Y'all may recognize the Serra Retreat as the same gated enclave Britney Spears and Kevin Federline lived, and where the couple are having a tough time selling their tainted spread.

The contemporary house with 4 bedrooms and 4 bathrooms (two masters according to the listing), sits on 4.35 acres on one of the premiere non-ocean front streets in Malee-boo. The gated estate includes a large, flat and grassy yard with swimming pool and amazing ocean views.

Can y'all see the big, dramatic curving stair case in the entry? This house is really something and we can just see Miss Suzanne Somers coming to the big glass front door with a protein shake in one hand and syringe full of hormones in the other.

Sources: Internet Movie Data Base, MSNBC, Pierce Mattie, eDiets.com

Please Buy Rachel Hunter's Hideaway

SELLER: Rachel Hunter
LOCATION: N. Crescent Heights Boulevard, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $2,995,000
SIZE: 4,078 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Built in the early 1930s. Abundance of charming character details everywhere you look. A gorgeous new oversized master bath w/ steam shower was recently added to the master suite which also has a loggia balcony with city views. Stunning open kitchen, mud room, 4 fireplaces, pool & gated on a mostly flat usable 12k+ lot. Finish big basement/media room w/storage. New dual zone heat/air + new systems. Move in.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Okay lovelies, Your Mama is going out on a limb with this one. We have a long list of celebrity homes to bring you but we must be feeling daring today because we have a property here where for months we have been unable to sort out the ownership. We asked one of our contacts who often knows what's what in celebrity real estate, let's call her Rita the Meter Maid, and she tells us that this house belongs to Miz Rachel Hunter...Sports Illustrated swim suit model mommy and ex-wifey of aging rock star Rod Stewart who keeps pumping out babies even though he's old enough to be Your Mama's grandpa.

Here's the thing...somewhere in the far and dark recessess of our failing memory, Your Mama recalls watching this blond and healthy looking gal on MTV's show Cribs. Although our powers of recollection are not always good we do remember thinking it was odd because Cribs usually shows the cribs of famous people with fleets of tricked out automobiles in front of big suburban houses outside Atlanta and places like that. But we also dimly recall that Rachel Hunter lived up in the hills of Los Angeles in a Spanish style house with a dog house she had built to look like a miniature version of the people house. Does anyone else remember that?

Anyhoo, this dwelling, purchased in April of 2004 for an undisclosed sum of money, is owned by a trust connected to the very same trust that is named on the property records for Mister Stewart's gargantuan yellow mansion up in Beverly Park, where he lives with his current wifey and any number of children including daughter Kimberly (who we will never forget falling over on that motorcyle on the red carpet), and prolly Sean, the son who, quite frankly, humiliated himself recently on the reality show Sons of Hollywood. Now there's a kid to be proud of. Jeezis, puh-leeze! Your Mama hopes he was "acting" on the show.

Sorry babies, we digress yet again. It is on the wisdom and information of Rita the Meter Maid that we say this house is owned and occupied by Rachel Hunter. Now, we might be wrong on this one. We are seldom incorrect, but we will publicly stand corrected and endure the 40 lashes if we lead you astray on this one.

Poor Rachel hasn't had an easy time finding a buyer for her pretty house. First put on the market sometime last fall, the price was recently reduced to it's current ask price of $2,999,000 from it's original ask price of $3,600,000. Looks like someone is getting serious about selling. Does this reduction reflect the state of the market in Los Angeles? Or was someone just a little too optimistic in the pricing? The house is also being put out for lease at $12,000 per month so you know Miz Hunter has either already moved or wants to move quick.

Behind the high hedges and super secure electronic gates sits a 1930s Tudor style house that has recently undergone a renovation the included upgrading and updating the services including adding dual zone heat and air. Which is lovely, but we might have considered a few more zones including one exclusively for the master suite.

The house has been decorated with romantic chandeliers and white sofas and silk covered headboards. It's all a little soft and girly for Your Mama's own tastes, but we are none the less quite impressed with the light and bright scheme.

We're not so into the French Country style cabinetry but we all really liking the soft green glass tiles behind the big Viking range. We also like this set up in the kitchen with the white slip covered chairs and the heavy wood table.

Your Mama can easily imagine curling up on that beige velvet sofa in the family room watching Shear Genius on the big flat screen while the fire crackles and our bitches Linda and Beverly cozy up next to us. Again, the decor here isn't what we'd chose for our own home, but it's really quite lovely. Simple. Elegant. Comfortable. And most impressive of all, it's not trying to be a room that screams "I cost a lot of money!"

The backyard pool area is nice and we appreciate a swimming pool on the smallish side. Because unless you're going to swim laps like Mark Spitz, than who needs an Olympic length pool like the one at Jamie Foxx's recently purchased spread up in Hidden Valley? Does anyone really think Mister Foxx is going to slide himself into a speedo and swim laps? No, we don't either.

But even better than the wee pool with the covered sitting area with the Balinese looking furniture including a big chaise lounge for napping in the shade. Nice touch Hunter.

We prefer not to spend a lot of energy on functional rooms such as the laundry, but we do appreciate that this one has been dressed up with a chandelier. That's right, no need to wash and fold in a dark, dank, and unattractive space. It just so happens that Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter have the very same wash and dry machines as Miz Hunter, although ours are the platinum color.

This house really does look like a nice house. Modest for a big celeb, but we like that. And it's conveniently located up in the hills above the Chateau Marmont and Sunset Boulevard. Another big bonus to the celebrity set. Your Mama sincerely wishes Miz Hunter all the best in getting this house sold.

Ellen and Portia Do It Again in the Hollywood Hills

SELLER: Ellen Degeneres and Portia Di Rossi
LOCATION: Zorada Drive, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $2,300,000
SIZE: 2,755 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 2.75 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Classic 1956 post & beam. Exceptional mid-century modern home, constructed in a U-shape around a sun-drenched pool w mountain/city views. Walled/gated with long private drive, perfect for celebrity. Classic open floor plan, loft-like feel, handsome concrete floors. Remodeled to showcase art & classic furniture. Walls of glass open to pool & adj. areas. Sunny master opens to pool. 2 other BRs. The best of mid-century post & beam design, amplified by long private drive & excellent view lot.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: A few weeks ago Your Mama got an email from someone we do not know who asked us if we had heard anything about talk show queen Ellen Degeneres and her actress girlyfriend Portia Di Rossi getting ready to sell their Hollywood Hills properties. We hadn't heard a whisper or a peep. But we kept our ear to the ground and our eyes glued to the mls until this afternoon when our eyes just about popped out of our head.

Ellen and the Missus own two properties up on Zorada Drive. One is a long low Cliff May style ranch style that one of our readers says bigwig architects Marmol and Radziner did up before the ladies purchased the place. The other sits just next door and down the hill and is described in the listing as a classic mid-century modern post and beam, which has been listed for $2,300,000.

All the celebrity real estate nuts out there are well aware of the prolific buying and selling of this lezbian couple. Most recently the happy couple put their flaw-less weekend retreat in Montecito on the market for a blistering $24,000,000. Previous to that the Sapphic couple had sold their ranch in the sticks of the Santa Ynez Valley, which is the same general vicinity of Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch.

And previous to that, Ellen sold off her compound of houses over on Woodrow Wilson Drive and Woodstock Road including a property called "The Treehouse" that was eventually purchased in June 0f 2006 by the straight, but homo friendly actor Heath Ledger.

The property the gurls are selling sits at the top of Nichols Canyon and is accessed down a long gated drive. So don't any of you crazies get any ideas about driving your cars up and down Zorada Drive. Your Mama happens to know that neither this house, nor the big ranch house can be seen from the road. So the chance that you might spot this couple spreading suntan lotion on each other or playing in the sprinklers on a hot summer's day is none.

We expect this house was given a work over by Ellen's team of architects and designers. And their efforts have paid off. We LOVE this house. The house has been done up in the modern and comfortable style we've come to expect from Ellen.

The house was purchased in March of 2006 for $1,868,018 according to property records. So it would seem that after the renovations and the fat commissions are paid the the real estate agents, there won't be much money made. Maybe just enough that they can buy themselves a first class cabin on one of Rosie's lezbian family cruises.

There's little Your Mama does not like about this house including the furniture. Our bliss begins at the foot of the gated drive. Your Mama feels a long gated drive provides a level of privacy that is necessary if you're famous our just a person who likes privacy. We are drawn to the front door with its soaring glass facade that is set apart of the rest of the house with it's plain, windowless concrete walls. Gorgeous.

The living room pleasantly opens to the pool deck through a wall of glass sliders. Sliders can feel a little old fashioned and dated, but in this case we think they were the perfect solution. We can't see all of the room, but we hope there is a fireplace at the end of the room we are unable to eyeball. Your Mama might suggest a spikey plant in here to give it a little extra life...perhaps a mother in law tongue would look scrumptious.

The kitchen has been wonderfully pared down to it's fundamental uses, and works perfectly on the level that it does not try to impress anyone with fancy cabinetry and a million feet of expensive and imported granite. We are completely in love with the picnic table for the dining room, as well as the fact that this room opens to the outside on two opposite walls, creating a large porch like space that is more outside than inside when the sliders are all pulled open.

Ordinarily we're not big on big bedrooms, but this one is plucking all our happy nerves. Dig the fireplace, love the barely there furniture and, again, the wall of sliders give us goose bumps. Imagine being able to sleep in the that big bed with the Santa Anas blowing lightly through the sliders. Loverly.

Your Mama expects this house will be sold next week, so if you're in the market and liking what you see, call your people and get over there lickety-split.

We sit on pins and needles waiting to see if the big Marmol and Radziner ranch house is going to be sold as well, and also what lucky properties will be getting the Ellen and Portia treatment next.

The House Tommy Mottola Built

SELLER: Tommy Mottola
LOCATION: Keeler Lane/Hilltop Drive, North Salem, NY
PRICE: $19,500,000
SIZE: 11.9 acres, 10,600 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 6 bathrooms, 3 half bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Offering hypnotic views reaching over the scenic Hudson River to the Catskill Mountains, on nearly 12 acres. Complete privacy and magnificent, meticulously landscaped grounds. Newly constructed 11,000 square foot master work features exceptional architecture and world class finishes. Located just 45 minutes from NYC.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Today, the incomparable Braden Keil at the New York Post titillated and intrigued the world with this week's Gimme Shelter column. The lead story was about pop music Svengali Tommy Mottola offering his large Westchester County estate, dubbed "The Summit," up for sale for nearly $20,000,000.

Many people think this former CEO of Sony lined his own pockets with the vast proceeds of the groups he represented and managed. Although his star shines less brightly than it once did in the music industry he remains a powerful, polarizing, and controversial figure.

The thrice married music mogul's second betroth-ed was the kooky and unstable vocal acrobat Mariah Carey. The couple dee-vorced in 1998 after about ten years of marriage and career management during which Mariah became "MARIAH," a period of time the whistle stop happy songstress does not speak fondly. Mottola later dated Bronx born diva Jennifer Lopez for a hot minute and then, in 2000 married Thalia, a much younger Mexican pop star and soap opera regular.

Readers of glossy gossip magazines like Vanity Fair and New York Magazine already know that Mottola has a reputation for lavish living. The flamboyant and temperamental music mogul has been known to splurge on luxuries like a perfume refrigerator for his wife, bullet proof cars, a small army of armed and scary security guards, and of course, outrageous homes.

Mottola once paid David Geffen $13,300,000 for an Upper East Side townhouse that he later put on the market for a shocking $27,000,000. He also owned a private compound on celebrity friendly Star Island in Miami which had both indoor and outdoor pools. The weather can be so terrible in Miami, so the indoor pool really makes a lot of sense to Your Mama. He has also owned a string of homes in the Hamptons including spreads in Sag Harbor and Shelter Island.

An article in New York Magazine quotes a supposed friend of Mottola who says, “Tommy has an addiction to buying lavish, enormous places, overpaying for them, putting millions and millions of dollars into them, most often with good taste, showing off with them,” says a friend, “and then when they’re finished, he suddenly realizes they’re too big or too expensive.”

That must be the case at this recently completed mansion in North Salem, about 45 minutes north of New York City, where it seems his staff has hardly got his designer underwear carefully placed in custom designed dressing room drawers before he decided to sell the 11.9 acre property that features expansive views of the mighty Hudson River and incredible privacy.

As best as Your Mama can surmise, Mottola cobbled this property together by purchasing three separate parcels. One parcel was purchased in 1996 and the other two in 2000. We presume it was then that Mottola began the process of designing and building his monster, Aspen-ish mansion.

According the Mister Keil and the listing for the property, the house was decorated by Aspen based designer Linda Bedell, and features acres of exotic woods and impressive stone work. The house sprawls across nearly 11,000 square feet of space with five bedrooms, gourmet kitchen, great room with vaulted ceilings and two fireplaces, den, office with fireplace, family room, a gym, sauna, and of course, a vast master bedroom suite featuring two decadent bathrooms.

Outside, the property offers an infinity edged swimming pool, guest quarters with studio, fire pit, a hilltop gazebo, and room to roam on 11.9 acres.

What does Your Mama think of the place? Well, to be honest children, we're terrified of Mister Mottola and his retinue of goons. So we're keeping our opinionated mouth shut about this one. We'll let you hash it out in the comments if you please.

Sources: NNDB, New York Magazine, Socialite Life

Your Mama Hears...

...that high end real estate agents all up and down Sunset Boulevard, from Los Feliz in the east to Malee-boo at the west, are whispering and chattering that ousted Disney CEO Michael Eisner might be looking to unload his vast ocean front compound on the Encinal Bluffs in Malee-boo.
Beginning in the mid 1990s, Eisner bought up five contiguous ocean front lots and built a tremendous Mediterranean style compound that includes at least five buildings that are covered in 4-inch thick limestone. Among the buildings is a main house, a guest house, and a large "cabana" on the beach at the base of the steep bluff.

Your Mama knows precious little about this compound, but we did recently read that Eisner somehow managed to get approval from the ridiculously powerful California Coastal Commission to install an elevator that carries the uber pampered Eisner family and their lucky guests two stories down into the bluff where they are unloaded on the same level as the beach cabana.

Your Mama can not imagine the wrangling it took to get the necessary approvals for that elevator, but we certainly appreciate that it's there, because Your Mama would surely have a coronary hiking up that bluff after a day of frying our skin and dipping our toes in the cool waters of the Pacific Ocean.

Once source in Malee-boo tells not to be surprised by an asking price well in excess of $75,000,000. Yikes! We'll keep you posted when we get more information, and of course if any of you children in Malee-boo know anything, you should let Your Mama know.

Sources: Slate

Your Mama Hears...

...that rock and roll scion, and ex-Mrs. Michael Jackson, Lisa Marie Presley runs a celebrity flop house up in Summit Circle, an exclusive guard gated community located high in the hills of Beverly.

All the celebrity real estate freaks out there will recall that The Summit is where Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale recently purchased a mammoth modern house once owned by Jennifer Lopez who owned this house back when she still wanted the world to call her JLo.

Other residents in The Summit include Holly Robinson Peete, Ed McMahon, and the perplexing and perpetually troubled single mommy Britney Spears, all of whom have recently had their houses on the market.

A well connected source tells Your Mama that Presley's most recent high profile temporary tenant is none other than Australian actress and red carpet fashion maverick Cate Blanchett along with hubby Andrew Upton and their two kiddies. We understand the family moved their belongings into the 5,000+ square foot house only last week.

But Cate is hardly the only celebrity tenant who has shelled out rent to Lisa Marie. Two sources confirm that other big name renters have included Shaquille O'Neal and tennis great Pete Sampras. We were also told this is the same house the McMahons leased when they were having deadly mold removed from their current residence.

We haven't a clue why Presley would own a luxury house in a gated community that she rents out to the rich and famous. But if Your Mama has said it once, we've said it a thousand times, celebrities are capricious and fickle about their real estate doings. There is simply no sense in trying to make sense of what they do with the real estate.

Whatever the case, Your Mama wishes the Blanchett/Upton family all the happiness in the world in their temporary home.

UPDATE: Avril "The Spitter" Lavigne

We're a little tired of wasting our time and working our little fingers to the nubbins over this foul mouthed pop-punk princess. But we just wanted to add one more thing to this whole bizness about The Spitter not buying the former Travis Barker house in Bel Air. Remember that children? Remember not long ago how The Spitter was telling press people that she didn't buy a house in Los Angeles?

Well, Your Mama can not reveal our source for the information, let's just call her Jane Doe, but we understand from Jane that there are three entities connected to the house on Stratford Circle. Neither is The Spitter, but one is a concert touring company that is associated with The Spitter. This touring company is perhaps not coincidentally also associated with the mansion she's having a difficult time selling up in Mulholland Estates.

The second entity is The Spitter's management company.

The the third entity is the name of her manager, Tina Kennedy.

So it would appear that either The Spitter bought the house, or that her manager Tina bought the house. We think it's The Spitter and she's just trying to fool with the paps and gossips. We're sure the paps will soon enough photo her and hubby driving like demons through the gates of Bel Air Crest, the guard gated community where the house is located.

Gale Anne Hurd and Jonathan Hensleigh's Pasadena Palace

SELLER: Gale Anne Hurd
LOCATION: South San Rafael Avenue, Pasadena, CA
PRICE: $15,000,000
SIZE: 3.05 acres, 13,500+ square feet, 7 bedrooms, 11 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Majestically positioned on an exquisite 3 acre knoll in Pasadena's most prestigious neighborhood, this magnificent estate, designed by renowned architect Sylvanus Marston in 1923, has been heralded as "one of the finest examples of Spanish Revival architecture in the United States," as well as "one of Pasadena's most picturesque and treasured landmarks." Meticulously restored & remodeled in 2003, this villa exemplifies superb craftsmanship & authentic architectural detailing.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: As we often are on Wednesdays, Your Mama is short on time. So this morning we're going to bring you a short and sweet post about a big ol' Spanish style house in Pasadena with a big ol' price tag. Belonging to powerhouse film producer Gale Anne Hurd and her third huzband, the screenwriter Jonathan Hensleigh, this house, while not to every one's taste, is a tour de force in restoration and renovation.

Miz Hurd, a brainiac Stanford graduate with a double degree in economics and communications, has a long history producing extremely successful action and sci-fi films including the shockingly lucrative Terminator series, Aliens, Hulk, Raising Cain, and dozens more. The lady has made boo-coo bucks producing movies and she clearly likes to spend it on a nice place to bed down at night. Who can blame her?

Huzband Jonathan is known as a prolific screenwriter, also in the action/sci-fi genre, having penned a number of episodes of The Young Indiana Jones Chronicles for the boob tube and The Punisher, Jumanji, and Die Hard: With a Vengeance for the big screen. He too has made a lot of money in Hollywood.

According to property records, the couple purchased this house in 2001 for $5,200,000. Records also show the house at a huge 11,512 square feet, but a recent report in the Wall Street Journal stated the couple expanded the house during the extensive renovation and restoration and now the place tops 13,500 square feet with seven bedrooms and 11 bathrooms.

Oh Lawhdy, here we have yet another mansion with so many bathroom you got to hire a girl to do nothing but scrub the damn terlits. Are rich people so lazy they can't walk more than 10 feet to a terlit and need a pooper in every room?

The 3-acre property climbs up a small hill and includes impressive entrance gates, tennis court, a simple, beautiful and rectangular pool, guest house, formal gardens and a large man-made lagoon out back. The lagoon looks nice, but Your Mama is concerned about the skeeters and the serious chemicals that are surely necessary to keep the skeeters from mating and proliferating.

Usually Your Mama macks on humongous houses feeling like so many are tacky wastes of space that most people don't know how to decorate (see 50 Cent's house of horror and Jamie Foxx's recent purchase of an upsetting 17,000 square foot bad dream). But this one we are swooning over. There is little in this house that we would put in our own house, but it's all so exquisitely "done" that it's tough to find something to really beef about.

Normally we hate billiard rooms, but this one has that gorgeous rug and we are totally digging the burnt orange felt on the pool table. Even the drapes, somehow, work.

The master bedroom includes of a sitting room with another marvelous rug. We hate the sofa and chairs, but we'll let that slide. Also in the master are two beautifully restored and elegant bathrooms. We could not be more thrilled that Miz Hurd and Mister Hensleigh did not rip out all that great tile and replace it with acres of imported marble. Nothing wrong with imported marble, but if you could have this, well, that's better in our book.

Clearly the couple had a very talented and experienced gay decorator up in this house working decorating magic at every turn. The house manages to be elegant and sophisticated and still feel like a place you could comfortably curl up barefooted and read a script.

We don't want to live in Pasadena, but we do want to spend the weekend at this house. So Gale dear, please call Your Mama before you move so we can come over and lay around by that pool sipping gin and tonics and eating little cute finger foods prepared by the chef.

Coincidentally, Miz Hurd's former house in Beverly Hills, now owned by celebrity fitness freak Gunnar Peterson and his extremely rich heiress wife Janet, has recently popped on to the market.

Sources: Wall Street Journal, Luke Ford, Internet Movie Data Base

Akiva Goldsman Is Leaving the Hollywood Hills

SELLER: Akiva Goldsman
LOCATION: Cole Crest Drive, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $2,595,000
SIZE: 2,910 square feet (per assesor), 3 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Unique Architectural with the best view in Los Angeles. Loft like space with multi-lvls of sep flex. areas. Main flr w/living, chef's kit, dining, mst and gst all open to astounding views. 2nd floor with A-frame studio, lounge, bath and office area, opens to pvt sun-drenched pool with head on views. Expansive patio/decking around pool. 3rd floor has gst bdrm, bath and ofc/studio. Hidden lower level with cardio/gym rm. Adj lot also avail. One of a kind!

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: In case you don't recognize the name Akiva (Keevie) Goldsman, let Your Mama give you a Hollywood run down. This Brooklyn born producer/screenwriter happens to be one of the few screenwriters still working steadily in Hollywood. He's also an Oscar Award winning screenwriter for his adaption for the film A Beautiful Mind, the movie that gave bad boy Russell Crowe household name status and, if you ask Your Mama, an enormously swelled sense of his talent and value.

Keevie also happens to be one of the most highly paid screenwriters in Hollywood. He was reportedly paid a stunning $4,000,000 to adapt the screenplay for the sequel of The Da Vinci Code, which is set to star big money actor Tom Hanks and, it is rumored, ex-Victoria Secret model and wanne be ack-tress Gisele Bundchen. Please. Aren't people tired of seeing middle aged actors with receding hairlines romancing and kissing on young model types up on the big screen? Your Mama has a suggestion...How about getting a woman with some actual acting chops who is older than 35 to play opposite 50-something year old Hanks, who is clearly old enough to be Bundchen's father.

Many say Goldsman, who is more likely to adapt a novel than write an original script, turns out one big budget stinker after another. Other people, including Mister Goldsman himself, say he uses simple and formulaic story archs. All of which may be true. But it's tough to argue with success, and clearly Keevie has had some serious success in Hollywood having been involved with several hugely grossing films that have made many-a-man in Hollywood as rich as Rockefellers and Vanderbilts.

Keevie has had so much success in the last 5 or 10 years that he's selling his Hollywood Hills house and moving over to the house he just purchased in Beverly Hills. Our sources tell Your Mama that this is the man who purchased Anthony Kiedis' magnificent house, which was recently on the market for nearly $7,000,000.

Keevie and wifey Rebecca appear to have purchased this house up on Cole Crest Drive back in August of 1993. But then again, it could have been only in May of 2003. The records we accessed are confusing, but we're getting this sussed out and will correct and confirm this date when we figure it out.

Tax records show the house at 2,910 square feet with 3 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms (listing shows 4 baths). The house sits high in the hills and truly has the sort of Los Angeles view dreams are made of. The view is so spectacular that it almost does not matter what the house looks like. Almost. Your Mama thinks this house looks like it's got a split personality. Clearly this house used to be a modest A-frame that has been redone and expanded to it's current unusually shaped configuration.

The exterior of the house is a little jumpy, and the odd angles make our eyes nervous. But once in the front door, the living spaces are really quite interesting, and even thrilling in some spots. We L.O.V.E. that living room/studio in the A-frame. The soaring and peaked ceiling gives Your Mama goose bumps, and we totally appreciate the palette in this space. The super-white walls and ceiling, and the glistening white floor create a clean space that zooms the eye out to the carpet of lights below. The use of the blue accents may be a tried and true design technique, but it successfully draws the sky inside and creates a lovely and envy producing space that feels both inside and outside.

Your Mama gets tired of grandly scaled living rooms and entrance halls with 25 foot ceilings and dual stair cases, not to mention the billiard rooms that nobody uses, the party rooms, and the vast manicured grounds that require an army of illegal workers to keep looking presentable. This house, with it's modest square footage and reasonably scaled rooms, is a breath of fresh air.

We appreciate the lightness of the kitchen, but we're always a bit hesitant with butcher block counter tops. They look amazing when they are first installed, but once they've been chopped and cut on for a few years they look like something in, well, a butcher shop.

We love the back terrace with the pool, dining pavilion and jaw dropping view. We love that there's no lawn back there that requires maintenance and watering...Your Mama is all for the xeriscaping in California where we are are certain there will be battles and wars over water in the coming years.

Despite the strange exterior articulation, Your Mama is totally digging this house. However, we do have one significant concern. And that is, of course, the glass railing. Yes, it does look lovely and it allows for unobstructed sight lines. But, obviously, Your Mama is concerned about the gallons of Windex required to keep all that glass clean, not to mention the difficulty in finding a maid who is willing to spend day after day in the blazing sun rubbing that glass clear of fingerprints and nose prints from the dog(s). We are also concerned about drunken accidents. All big time boozers who come over to this house for backyard bbqs will need to be tethered to the house so they don't stumble over that railing. As y'all can see, the drop is sheer and someone falling over board here would be disastrous.

Your Mama would like to wish Keevie and wifey all the best in their new house and all the best in selling this one. Given their penchant for understated luxury and casual elegance, we expect they will do the nearly perfect Kiedis house justice. Now Keevie hunny, give Your Mama a shout when you get settled so we can come over and talk about casting for your upcoming projects.

Sources: Internet Movie Data Base, Just Well Mixed, Movie Web, Cinema Blend

40 Acres (And A Mule?) for Jamie Foxx

BUYER: Jamie Foxx
PRICE: $10,500,000
LOCATION: Potrero Road, Hidden Valley, CA
SIZE: 40.22 acres, 17,000 square feet (approx), 10 bedrooms, 12 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Fabulous estate of 40 private acres in prestigious Hidden Valley. Claddaugh Farms features a Mediterranean estate home with quarry-matched limestone throughout. Retreat style living in this 17,000 square foot villa with 10 bedrooms, 12 bathrooms, library, formal living room and dining room, family and game rooms, full gym and an unbelievable gourmet kitchen with a gorgeous breakfast room. Grand master suite with sitting room, two fireplaces, atrium, dual private baths, sauna and balcony. Olympic-size pool, spa, cabana studio, north/south tennis courts, playing fields and two unbelievable guest houses.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: We're gonna piggy back on Miz Ruth Ryon's most recent Hot Properties column in the LA Times, and discuss the little country place out in bucolic sounding Hidden Valley that Jamie Foxx recently purchased for a reported $10,500,000. A nice little place out of the city and away from the pressures of Hollywood can be a good thing for high paid in demand actors like Oscar winning Foxx, who has been catapulted to super stardom in the last several years with hit films like Ray and Dreamgirls, and Miami Vice, which reportedly earned Foxx $10,000,000, and undoubtedly heaps of puntang, for his role as Ricardo Tubbs.

Now babies, Your Mama does not profess to know what makes a hit movie and what does not, but we would have bet the precious lives of our little bitches Linda and Beverly that a remake of the television show Miami Vice would be a resounding failure. Even though it starred Foxx and Irish dirty boy Colin Farrell, two very bankable stars, the movie failed to recoup the production costs. Pity.

No matter to piano playing lady killer Foxx though. According to Miz Ryon, he still made enough scratch to buy a 17,000 square foot pimp crib with 10 bedrooms and 12 damn terlits. The monster mansion sprawls over 40 acres in rural Thousand Oaks and includes an Olympic length swimming pool, tennis courts, playing fields, not to mention a lot of dirt trails, probably for driving around on one of those death trap three-wheel a.t.v. things.

Children this house is so big it would take Your Mama half the day to walk from one end to the other. By the time we got the industrial kitchen for our morning coffee, it would be time to run around and head back to the master bedroom with it's atrium (what?), sitting room, 2 fireplaces and dual bathrooms.

Let's talk about the 12 terlits for a moment. Seriously, that is a lot of terlits for one man to have. Sure, he's got a kid and prolly a large posse of peeps and hos for whom he needs to provide space to evacuate, but still...Foxx is going to need more than one girl living up in that house whose only jobs are to scrub terlits and sinks full time. So we sincerely hope Mister Foxx continues to earn the big bucks to pay the cleaning staff, otherwise he's going to be too busy working a terlit brush to make any more hit movies.

It is only our opinion, but we happen to think the front of this house is ugly. We rarely feel positive when driving up to a house that looks like a small hotel or country club in suburban Detroit. We do, however, recognize that many folks find 20-something foot tall porte cocheres are indeed an excellent choice for displaying one's success and wealth and impressing guests even before they get to the front door where they are greeted by a butler in an entrance hall the size of a hotel lobby.

We sorta like that room with the chocolate brown walls. Sorta. Love the color, love the drawings above the gloriously decadent fireplace. But the white chairs and the rug...not so much.

Your Mama likes to imagine this place will end up being like the Playboy Mansion with an endless stream of big titted and scantily clad hunnies strutting around in high heels with their skin all slicked up with baby oil. Somewhere over near the guest houses would be ground zero where Mister Foxx would recline in the shade wrapped in a silk smoking jacket sipping a nice cool cocktail while choosing his pick of the litter. Because, you know, this man likes to have sex 30 minutes a day, every day, for exercise. So his posse might consider busing the big booty bitches out from Los Angeles on a weekly basis. Certainly there is enough room to house them while on the grounds trying to woo and impress Mister Foxx with their silicone implants and tricky hip gyrations.

As was noted Mr. Big Time over at Big Time Listings, Mister Foxx continues to own the 5,426 square foot house in Tarzana he has called home since 1997 when he paid $930,000 for the 3 bedroom, 3 bathroom single story mini-estate with swimming pool and half court basketball set up. We're totally guessing here, but Your Mama imagines Foxx will keep this house in Tarzana. Or perhaps sell it and buy another house "in town." Hidden Valley is a long way from the Hollywood hot spots where Mister Foxx likes to hang out and entertain the ladies.

Jack Black Selling Beachwood Canyon House

SELLER: Jack Black
PRICE: $1,699,000
LOCATION: 2940 N. Beachwood Drive
SIZE: 2,694 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Crisp, modern reinterpretation of a classic Beachwood Canyon Traditional. Situated on a knoll, a min north of the famed Beachwood Village. This gated celebrity residence has been redone for the most sophisticated clientele. 3 bds, 3 ba w/ glass mosaic tile & spa-like feel, open plan living rm/dining/large den opening to private, pool-sized yard, plus downstairs media room & gym/office. A truly turn key opportunity for the perfectionist in all of us.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Jack Black seemingly goes around acting like a bufoon much of the time, but make no mistake, this is one smart cookie. Not only is he the child of not one, but TWO rocket scientists, he was edumacated at Crossroads School, the prestigious and expensive private school for arts and sciences in Santa Monica that caters to the rich and bohemian. Other celebrity grads of Crossroads include Kate and Oliver Hudson, Gwyneth Paltrow, Maya Rudolph, and Zooey Deschanel.

Black, whose real name is not Jack Black but Thomas Black, also has a comedy rock band that satires rock and rock called Tenacious D which is actually quite a fun band. Mister Jack Black has had a much longer and more successful career in Hollywood than Your Mama thought. Did y'all know he appeared on the Golden Girls spin on The Golden Palace as well as on Northern Exposure? Remember that stoopid show with the moose walking down the middle of the street?

Currently, Mister Jack Black makes the big bucks starring in films like King Kong, Nacho Libre, and Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny. These larger film roles that pay him upwards of $8,000,000 per film have allowed Mister Jack Black to move from this Beachwood Canyon house all the way to a house in Beverly Hills with a long, curving movie star driveway.

Purchased in March of 2001 for $720,000, Your Mama presumes Mister Jack Black lived up in this modest house with his then girlfriend Laura Kightlinger, a comedic actress whose name we did not recognize but whose face we did...lady played Nurse Shiela on Will and Grace and recently starred in a show called The Minor Accomplishments of Jackie Woodman on the IFC channel.

In November of 2002, Kightlinger and Mister Jack Black bought another house on a little bit west on Eastwood Drive in the Hollywood Hills. In April of 2005 Mister Jack Black then purchased another house, this time the relatively modest house in Beverly Hills that has the long curving driveway. Also sometime in 2005 Mister Jack Black swapped out Kightlinger for a new lady friend, this time a cellist that he went to high school with. She became impregnated and they got married.

Along the way, the new couple did some major renovations on the Bev Hills house and we presume this is where the happy couple live with their young son.

Now it seems Mister Jack Black is divesting some of his real estate including this Beachwood Canyon house, which has been recently renovated and exuberantly staged. Everyone knows by now that Your Mama has mixed feelings about staged houses. Yes, they do look nice and they help to hide flaws and problematic areas of a house, but they also look so strangely vacant and depressing. They have this lifeless quality about them that causes Your Mamas chest to ache a little and yearn for a stack of books or a bottle of shampoo.

Anyhoo, this house, located on beautiful N. Beachwood Drive, has been given a dramatic exterior paint job that really appeals to Your Mama. We also like the metal work on the front gates, but seriously, those gates are sorta useless as a security measure. With a running start, even Your Mama could hop our fat ass over that thing.

Of course we love the espresso colored floors and we're totally appreciating the kitchen. It is a little dark in there, but we love the green tile and even though we prefer a Thermador, we do like that old six burner model.

We're not sure what all those sitting rooms are, but we'd probably lose one of them. The grass cloth on the walls of the room is good, but that suede sofa is questionable in our book.

The back yard appears to have been staged just like the interior, but we're feeling that raised platform deck and we're quite sure that rough white thing lights up at night making for some interesting garden ambiance.

Given that this house looks great and is nicely located, if only on a busy street, Your Mama imagines someone will snap this place up sooner rather than later. But all your Los Angeles real estate people might know more about that than we do.

Sources: Internet Movie Data Base, IFC

Russell and Kimora Lee List Los Angeles House Too

SELLERS: Russell and Kimora Lee Simmons
PRICE: $5,800,000
LOCATION: N. Doheny Drive, Los Angeles, CA
SIZE: 5,818 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: This private, gated villa above the Sunset Strip boasts 5 bedrooms and 4 baths on over 5,800 square feet. This Mediterranean style home has high ceilings and great finishes. Also features a beautiful pool area for entertaining and a large motor court for more than ample parking.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: First the couple put their upsetting and overly opulent 35,000 square foot New Jersey mega mansion on the market, and now this hip hop couple have put their bird streets pied a terre on the market for $5,800,000.

Property records indicate the couple purchased this house in August of 2005 for $5,250,052. Which means they ain't gonna make much money on this house once they pay out the hefty real estate fees which could run the couple upwards of $250,000. Not that they need the money, of course.

The house was listed only a few days ago, and the listing agent has not yet provided any interior photos of the house, however, we pulled some photos from an old listing of the house, probably when the Simmons' bought the place. Please note, these photos do not reflect the taste of Miss Kimora Lee. Your Mama still does not have photos of the interior after the Simmons treatment, but we expect it will present a similar image of extreme and showy wealth that their New Jersey mansion does.

Your Mama must say, we were surprised at the relative modesty of this house. Sure, it's located in a great area, but seriously, peeple, we were under the (obviously false) impression that Miss Kimora needed at least 5,000 square feet just for her private bath, dressing rooms, and closets. Maybe she keeps her wardrobe in another house close by, right?

And before you people get all up in our face about how we are just jealous of this couple's money and success, let Your Mama tell you that we are not. We have zero issue with rich people with vast sums of expendable income to spend on a $400,000 Bentley and $4,000,000 paintings. All the more power to them. We just have issues with decor that slaps people hard in the face and says "LOOK HOW MUCH MONEY WE HAVE!!!" Some people like that shit, and some, like Your Mama, don't.

We imagine the sale of this property has something to do with the impending dee-vorce of Russell and Kimora. All this community property must be sold off, the proceeds split up, and etc. so the two of them can go off and buy their own opulent bachelor and bachelorette pads.

The Osbournes Give it One More Try

SELLERS: Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne
LOCATION: Doheny Road, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $11,995,000
SIZE: 11,571 square feet, 6 bedrooms, 10 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: We hear from a little birdie that the Gothic inclined residence of America's first family of rock and roll is quietly back on the market for $11,995,000, which is the same price it was for sale last year. Don't quote us on that price because there's not listing we could find to confirm that price...but it is the price given to us by someone in the know.

The Beverly Hills house was featured on the Osbourne's reality television show from 2002-2005, so most of the world has already seen all the nooks and crannies of this house. And every real estate blog in the world discussed this property back when it first came on the market. So we're going to say very little.

It appears the Osbournes purchased this house back in 1999 for just $3,900,000. Clearly they've put a few million into customizing and decorating the place with crucifixes, crying angels, depressing Biblical scenes and other religious paraphernalia. Even still, they're likely to make millions on the sale of this house. Which should be no surprise to anyone as Sharon has been masterful and managing Ozzy's career into a machine that mints money.

The couple is also trying to unload one of their ocean front properties in Malee-boo, for $10,995,000. Since it's Sunday and Your Mama needs some time to reflect and weed the garden, we're just going to flip you over to Big Time Listings' coverage of this property.

The one snarky comment we will make about the house on Doheny Road, is that it is our opinion that twenty something Kelly is just a little too old to be living up in a pink bedroom decorated with Hello Kitty dolls. Don't get Your Mama wrong, we love Hello Kitty just as much as the Japanese. And we also love Miss Kelly and her wild and crazy outfits as well as each of her hair dos and hair don'ts. But hunnies, she's a woman now, and it's our humble and meaningless opinion that it's time for her to let go of the bedroom that looks like it was decorated for a 12 year old girl.

Steven Cojocaru Did Hollywood Boulevard

SELLER: Steven Cojocaru
LOCATION: 8222 Hollywood Boulevard
PRICE: $2,995,000
SIZE: 3,692 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Prime Sunset Strip 1920s Spanish of Old Hollywood gone by. Grand LR with soarting rough-honed beamed ceilings, French drs lead to arched terrace overlooking the entire city. This loggia is the outdoor living space dreams were made of. Separate DR with views from every picture window. 5 bd, 4 ba complete the downstairs. "Restored" Viking kitchen, hdwd flrs, gated, walled, private, secure. Landscaped grounds with trails surround the home with room for pool and pool house.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: We had our eye on this house for some time, but had a difficult time cracking the real estate trust code. This house has been held in a trust by Barry Greenfield, a powerful business manager and accountant for celebrities and other rich people. But we knew deep in our fat gut the place belonged to someone famous. And, as we usually are (can you year the horns tooting?), we were correct. A very reliable and accurate source for Your Mama, a man we'll call John Doe, tells us confidently and assuredly this house belongs to red carpet queen Steven Cojocaru.

Your Mama remembers the first time we ever saw Miss Cojo on the boob tube like it was yesterday. We were sitting on our Knoll two seater mainlining the morning coffee and absently flipped on the television set, and KABLAM! There was Miss Cojo, legs crossed and lips all glossy and reflecting the lights, shamelessly flirting with and batting her heavily mascara-ed eyes at the hunky and obviously loving the attention Matt Lauer. Your Mama was breathless watching this rail thin boy-girl creature who was tightly wrapped in brightly colored fabrics needle Mister Lauer about his manly chest hair. Lawhd children we thought we'd stumbled into some alternative universe of nelly fantasy pornography. But no, it was just the Today Show where this hyperactive hair product whore was being paid big money to be a fashion critic. At first, we were stunned, shocked, and flabbergasted. Then we quietly said to our bitches Linda and Beverly, "See that ladies? You go girl."

Anyone who has ever turned on the television, flipped through the pages of a tabloid, or read a snarky online gossip site knows that a few years ago Miss Cojo was taken ill and required a kidney transplant. The first one failed and a second one was necessary. Not only did Miss Cojo have to endure the painful surgeries, she had to endure the humiliation of the Today Show firing her just three weeks after the first transplant. Bitches.

Then the poor thing blew up like a rich and bloated suburban housewife marinated in booze and an unhappy marriage. Although not in possession of the rail think rocker body she used to have, more recently Miss Cojo has lost some weight. But she hasn't lost that flat iron that presses her locks into a Sally Hershberger shag. Nowadays we get to see Cojo working her thing for Entertainment Tonight.

Property records show Cojo purchased this house in August of 2004 for $2,225,000. When it was first put on the market, the asking price was $3,150,000, but was reduced to $2,995,000 before a buyer was secured.

Sitting just above Sunset Boulevard on a teeny tiny little lot, the house climbs down the hill to a height of three stories with enviable views of Los Angeles. And best of all, it's a stone's throw from the Chateau Marmont, one of Hollywood favorite places for the young, rich, and famous to tryst, throw punches at the paps, and generally behave badly (think Adam Levine, Cameron Diaz, and of course, every one's favorite train wreck, La Lohan).

If we're being honest, Your Mama was a little surprised to find out this house belongs to the ebullient and flamboyant Cojo. We expected this florid fashion risk taker would live up in a house that looked more like the dressing room of a Broadway diva. You know, stockings hanging over the door, tubes of lip gloss and eye liner all over the bathroom counter, and racks and racks of shiny satin suits and bedazzled t-shirts. And a scorching hot flat iron in every room, plugged in and ready to give Miss Thing's tresses a press at a moments notice.

We are quite certain this interior on-sawm-bla is the work of a stager, because you just know someone with the sort of flair that Cojo has would not be coming home to this sort of neutral decor. Don't get Your Mama wrong, this place looks nice, it just lacks a certain Cojo-ness

We could pass out from glee over the living room with the soaring beamed ceilings, the simple mantle with the even more simple black and white drawing. The white walls and white sofas? More heaven in our book. But the little black chair with the lap blanket? Please, that's just silly stager shit.

The dining room set is a little medieval for our taste, and the red walls are a big over-done yawn. Although we're not usually very comfortable or complimentary of drapery, these simple silk shantung things are a lovely color and have the sheen and shine we would expect to find at Cojo's house.

The kitchen, although obviously well appointed with a nice stove and a warming drawer and all that good stuff, is a big snooze for Your Mama. Just too much brown and beige in there for our taste.

We sort of like the office space with the big luscious windows. But y'all know that is not a room where Cojo actually works. Again we are appreciating the blood red curtains which frame the view and reflect the light nicely. Also they are a subtle reference to a red carpet which we're not sure is cute or cliche.

Down to the bedroom. We're good with most of what we see, but here the curtains distract us and we would prefer to see them incinerated and replaced with something more organic like bamboo matchstick blinds that filter the light in a sexy sort of way.

The terrace looks like the perfect place for Cojo to take in the city that has happily embraced his sissiness, his sharp tongue, and his flair for the fashion. Your Mama would never wander the streets and clubs of Los Angeles or go on the boob tube with ironed and high-lighted hair, or strut the red carpet looking like a lady wearing a purple satin suit. But we love that Cojo does. Rock on sister. No man sports a few diamond brooches and a face full of make up better than you.

Sources: Internet Movie Data Base, Hank Stuever

UPDATE: Jonathan Antin Blows Out of the Birds

Remember back in late March when we told y'all about Jonathan Antin's sexy bachelor pad up in the bird streets of Los Angeles? Well, we're not sure if that house has been sold yet, but we did get an update on where the hairdressing hottie is moving from John Doe, one of our trusted men on the streets of Los Angeles.

We hear that the male beautician, with the face of an aging model and a very healthy ego, purchased a house in Toluca Lake for $1,980,000. The single story house, while located in a fancy schmancy neighborhood and across the street from private Toluca Lake, is fairly modest at 2,859 square feet and has 4 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms. Just enough room for Antin, Sescie the wifey, baby, and the baby on it's way.

The gated property is quite private, but there is no swimming pool in the backyard where the hunky hairdresser can lay around in a teeny bathing suit and work on his deep tan. Pity.

Sorry, Your Mama ain't got no photos for the children on this one.

Heaven in Brentwood Park with Bill Gerber

SELLER: Bill Gerber
LOCATION: North Cliffwood Drive, Brentwood Park, CA
PRICE: $11,000,000
SIZE: 5,672 sqare feet, 6 bedrooms, 6 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Gated, private turn-key Cape Cod estate, beautiful mouldings, hardwood floors, french doors & grand scale throughout. Large master suite with sitting area, fireplace & private veranda. 3 other generous bedrooms upstairs with an additional family room. Sizable motor court. Gym plus convertible den downstairs + maids. Detached, published professional 35mm screening room. Large swimmers pool, outdoor bbq & dining area surrounded by beautiful landscaping.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Unless you're in the "industry" y'all may not recognize the name Bill Gerber, but he's a player in the heated Hollywood world and likely you've seen a few movies he's produced.

Mister Gerber got his start in the music bizness where he oversaw the careers of 1980s superstars like Devo, The Cars, ABC, and one of Your Mama's favorite 80s new wave bands Heaven 17. Eventually Gerber went into the film business and has supervised and produced films such as Goodfellas, You've Got Mail, Queen of the Damned, and the Jessica Simpson train wreck The Dukes of Hazzard.

This property, located north of Sunset in desirable Brentwood Park was purchased by Gerber and his wife Eve in June of 1987 for just $1,401,000. The couple have recently put the house on the market with the venerable Westside Estate Agency for an even $11,000,000. Can y'all hear the cash registers ringing and the Gerber's accountants cheering and jumping up and down?

The Cape Cod style house sits on just under half and acre of prime property and the place has clearly had a nice gay decorator up in the house doing a bang up job. Traditional, even casual traditional, is not normally our cup of tea, but this place really works for us.

Before we give the rave reviews, let Your Mama tell you want we have issues about. All of our problems are at the front of the house. The first is the garage. We like a garage to park the fancy cars just like anyone else with fancy cars, but there's something unappealing and, frankly, low class about driving through the gates of an $11,000,000 house and being confronted with a big and ugly garage door. We are also not feeling that red concrete driveway. We would recommend a gravel or crushed granite driveway to really give the place an East Coast feel. The sound of an expensive car slowing driving over gravel is one of the best sounds in the world. And of course, we are not so into the play structure in the front yard. If you must have one, we really feel they belong in the back yard. But then, Your Mama has dogs, not children.

Now on to the good stuff. Whom ever it is that picked the rugs for this house did and exquisite job. Every rug is perfectly sized and colored for the room. And even though dark floors are not the new and exciting thing any more, we love them against all the white walls. We know that many people like warm and creamy colored walls, but Your Mama goes weak in the knees over beautifully painted white walls.

The formal living room with the dark floors, white sofas and what we imagine was a ridiculously expensive rug are spectacular. We are peeing over the wall of french doors and the glossy white paint on the ceiling.

Ordinarily we turn our nose up at wallpaper, even the new fangled modern stuff. But we're loving the toile patten that looks like it's been tea-dyed in the dining room. The table and chairs we are not loving, but there's something about the chandelier which we're grooving about. Might be that it's sort of wagon wheel like? Again, the muted and likely obscenely expensive rug is perfection.

The kitchen also works for us, although we'd rip that pot rack down lickety split. We just don't like those things. We don't care how much you paid for your copper cookery, we think pots and pans belong behind closed doors unless they're being used. Love the Carrera marble counter tops. Love the double dishwashers, the dark floors and the big Viking range.

The master bedroom is mammoth and probably larger than we would personally like, but it's nicely done, again with a gorgeous rug. The fireplace is a nice feature as is the huge bathroom with the separate vanities with the dark framed mirrors. Perfect for a vain couple who do not want to brush their teeth and pop their pimples next to each other. The white floors? Heaven.

The listing states the screening room, located in a detached building in the back yard, has been published. We imagine so, as it's very "done." The striped curtains are not our favorite thing, but we get the repetition of stripes in there as a somewhat subtle motif. Love the drum set in the corner.

How rich do you have to be to have your own Pilate's studio? Imagine what the equipment alone costs not to mention the cost of a trainer to come to your home to bend, stretch, and contort you into a pretzel all in the interest of having long lean muscles and a rack of size two dresses.

We expect this house will be shown so much the Gerber's will want to lease a bungalow at the Beverly Hills Hotel in order to get some peace and privacy. We also expect this property will go pretty quickly despite the lack of a tennis court.

Sources: Internet Movie Data Base, Filmbug

We're hearing...

that American Idol mean-man Simon Cowell is shopping around Beverly Hills for a new house to park his prodigious pectorals. The British export has his eye on a long low contemporary in the hills of Beverly that costs around 5 million bucks and is owned by another music industry celebrity. He seems serious...he's looked at it several times.

Does this mean he's going to unload the 9,000+ square foot house he just finished remodeling on Palm Drive in Beverly Hills? Or maybe he's buying a place for his assistant? Or perhaps it's just an investment? A house for mom? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

Double Whammy: Sherry Lansing and Billy Friedkin

This is a long, long, long post children. Y'all know how long winded Your Mama can be sometimes, so get yourselves a snack and something to drink before beginning. Or read it in shifts...

Once upon a time, and according to Ladies Home Journal in 2001, Sherry Lansing was one of the most powerful women in America. The lady clawed her way to the top of a man's world going from an actress/model to a 12 year reign as the CEO of Paramount Pictures. Impressive by any standard.

And certainly not bad for a woman many say slept her way to the top. Or at least used her feminine wiles to get to the top. Oh! Ouch you say? Well, although she was known to date many (many) high profile and powerful men such as Ray Wagner, former Canadian Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau, and super star architect Richard Meier, Your Mama has some serious doubts about the rumors. And so what if she slept around anyway? Once Miz Lansing got to the top, she proved her mettle and might by green lighting some of the most successful films ever to hit celluloid such as the the incredibly annoying Forrest Gump and the cloying Titanic. Both films Your Mama hated, but both films that most of the world apparently did not. And both films that made mammoth mountains of money.

Perhaps the rumors are just sour grapes from Hollywood gentlemen who did not have the stellar success of Miz Lansing. Just a thought. No one in Hollywood thinks twice about the oodless of middle aged and hair plugged studio executives with fat bank accounts and a mid life crisis for a car who hump their way through every wannabe starlet under twenty years old. So why should anyone care if Miz Lansing might have had prodigious "needs" and a penchant for high profile men?

Miz Lansing went on to marry Academy Award winning Billy Friedkin, who directed The Exorcist, which is hands down the scariest movie Your Mama has ever seen. As a pre-teen Your Mama watched that movie with our Sister Woman even though our mama had forbid us watching it on the HBO. We are not ashamed to tell the world we had debilitating nightmares for a week which were not helped by Sister Woman hiding under our bed and grabbing our ankle as we got into bed one night. Y'all can imagine that scared the skin right off our body and had our 11 year old heart just about stopped. The very next day Your Mama had those mattresses off the frame and on the floor in the sincere hope of thwarting any demons who might have had a mind to get up under our bed in the future. We have goose bumps just thinking about it.

Anyhoo, today we bring the children the Sherry Lansing double whammy. Before we begin we would like to thank our fairy godmother for helping us out with some of the information on the real estate end of this post. We absolutely could not have done this without her help. First we are going to discuss the Bel Air mansion she and huzband leased for a long time and then we're going to discuss the extraordinarily private house high in the hills of Bel Air the couple purchased not too long ago..

WHO: Sherry Lansing and Billy Friedkin
LOCATION: 10451 Bellagio Road, Bel Air, CA
PRICE: $45,000/month
SIZE: 7,658 square feet, 8 bedrooms, 9 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: One of a kind walled & gaed Country English, situated on 1.5 acres flat. Amazing front and rear yards, pool & tennis court. Interiors include fresh paint & gorgeous dark brown wood floors. New carpet in mstr. light creme/white neutral decor thru-out. Crown moldings, fr. drs., windows. His & hers baths & closest in mstr. 4 fplcs. Charming library, large liv. & dining rms. Superb for entertaining. Remodeled kitchen & most baths. Former home of Paramount Studios chairwoman and celebrity director. Prime loc.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: The price we show here is the price the homeowner was asking in March of 2007. We gather that Miz and Mister rented this house for about 10 years and our fairy godmother thinks they paid about $30,000/month. But children, do not quote us on that, it's totally unconfirmed.

The property sits on a very private acre and half of prime flat lands in Bel Air. Directly across the street is the Terry Semel compound. Semel is the very rich CEO and chairman of Yahoo! Inc., who Forbes shows as having more than $400,000,000 in stock options.

Unfortunately, we are a little non-plussed and have mixed feelings about this house. Let's start with the exterior. The house is at a disadvantage with Your Mama from the get go because we're not overly fond of the Tudor style. The long brick driveway is certainly impressive and we imagine it took a team of (hopefully legal) immigrants a couple months to install those thousands upon thousands of little red bricks. We might suggest someone get a landscaper up in there to work on the lawn which looks a little tatty and ghetto for Bel Air.

The expansive grounds are a real plus, and Your Mama is peeing our drawers over that simple, classic oval swimming pool. It's just so perfect and old school. We are pleased as punch not to see a big fountain shooting up out of the middle, or a crazy waterfall, or the worst swimming pool sin of all, a backyard water slide. Jeezis, we hate the backyard water slide. Maybe those of you with children think they're fun, but we'd be happy if there was an outright ban on those things.

We go inside and honestly, we just don't know what to think. The room with the stairs certainly looks acceptable, distinguished, and expensive. The floors are gorgeous. The library paneling is good, if not a little old fashioned. But the mauve carpeting? People everywhere have got to learn to just say "NO!" to the mauve carpeting. Mauve wall to wall is never acceptable. Do you hear Your Mama? Never. Ever.

The stare-ile all-white kitchen is perfectly suited to hired help preparing meals for wealthy tenants and their wealthy guests. We would prefer to see something other than an ordinary and not very expensive white tile on the floor in here, but honestly, the tenant is probably never going to go into the kitchen, so who cares, right?

Upstairs to the dual master bathrooms and we are stiff with shock. These bathrooms are like punishments for the eyes. Your Mama is so frightened and upset by the bathrooms that we can hardly breathe. Those fun house mirrors in the "his" bathroom, which probably allow for a distorted 360 view, would have us slitting our wrists instantly. And the too decadent pink marble and gold fixtures in the lady's bath? Are there words to describe our horror? What woman, man, child, or tranny hooker could strip down nekkid or take a crap in there without having a psychic melt down?

Is the place worth the $45,000/month asking price? Probably. It's a monster estate in preemo Bel Air. But we imagine this is only for someone who likes showering, grooming, and evacuating amid a 1980s sort of opulence.

BUYER: Sherry Lansing and Billy Friedkin
LOCATION: Levico Drive, Bel Air, CA
PRICE: $15,000,000 (list)
SIZE: 5.25 acres, 10,043 square feet, 7 bedrooms, 8.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: The ultimate in privacy and security: gated estate up a long private palm-lined drive within a guard-gated enclave. Wonderful panoramic and canyon views in this stunning Gus Duffy-designed estate, built in 1990. Superlative and secluded on a 5 acre promontory, this residence combines stylish European detail and luxurious contemporary amenities. The grounds contain sun-drenched terraces, sparkling pool pool, spa, north/south tennis court and tennis pavilion. No expense has been spared.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: In October of 2005 this Hollywood power couple finally purchased a home of their own. And what a home they purchased. Located up Stone Canyon on a private and gated street, the house is accessed down a long, palm lined driveway and occupies five spectacular acres on a promontory that provides the couple extreme and delicious privacy. There are a few other homes on Levico Way, but really, Miz and Mister have no neighbors. The couple could live up there stark naked and nobody would be the wiser except for the staff.

The decor we see in the photos belongs to the previous owners. As the children probably already know, we're not too keen on that sort of decorating style with the heavy drapery and Louis the 14th or 16th (or whatever) style chairs that are gilded to within an inch of their lives. But we grant this place is well done, no doubt by a big name and very expensive interior decorator.

For our taste the entrance is too grand. We don't really understand these vast halls meant to impress the guests, who are already impressed with the address long before they get to the front door anyway. We do appreciate the red runner down the stairs and even the gargantuan chandelier is alright in our book. But the pink chair and floor lamp make us queasy and we're not in love with the green marble detail in the floor.

We could easily lose the lion statuettes by the pool, but otherwise we imagine this would be a lovely and relaxing place to spend a weekend afternoon sipping mai tais and getting a plein air rub down or maybe a hot stone treatment by Sven the traveling masseur.

The master bedroom is huge, we adore the fireplace, and the grey velvet chair is yummy. But the carpet is dizzying and looks like it would be more suited to a hotel lobby in a pleasantly shabby and genteel hotel in London.

But the location. Children the location is worth every penny Miz and Mister paid for this property. Just a hop, skip, and a jump from the very dig-nee-fied Hotel Bel Air, and just another few minutes from the even more dig-nee-fied Bel Air Country Club. Had we $15 million we'd have ponied up in a heart beat and hired a nice gay decorator to drive up to Bel Air and work this place into a warmly contemporary Mediterranean with white sofas, cool blue rugs, dark floors and some large and richly colorful photographs by some of our favorite artist friends.

We hope Miz Lansing and Mister Friedman are happy in their new home. We have a bottle of Moet and Chandon chilling in the fridge for them if they'll invite us to their next pool party.

Sources: Internet Movie Data Base, Cine-Scene, Fairy Godmother

Stephen Cohen's Temporary Summer House

BUYER: Stephen Cohen
LOCATION: Further Lane, East Hampton, NY
PRICE: $19,995,000 (list)
SIZE: 9,000 square feet, 9-10 bedrooms, 9 full and 2 half bathrooms (at least!)

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: We're gonna jump on something that was first reported by one of the supreme celebrity real estate gossips, Mister Max Abelson over at the New York Observer. The other day, among other juicy tidbits, Abelson told us about Stephen Cohen purchasing a big house on swanky Further Lane in East Hampton.

We know most of you don't have a clue who Stephen Cohen is. But folks who live in and around New York certainly know who exactly who this billionaire hedge fund honcho is. See children, in New York, heavy hitters in the hedge fun world are like rock stars, and all the celebrity real estate gossips follow their money trails around to all the best urban co-ops and seaside retreats. And Mister Cohen has about $3 billion bucks, which put him at No. 85 on the Forbes 400 in 2006, so you know we're all salivating to know what he's buying and selling.

As Abelson mentioned, Mister Money Bags is an avid collector of contemporary artwork, and regularly drops large wads on big name artists. Cohen reportedly paid 8,000,000 big ones for Damien Hirst's iconic piece called "The Physical Impossibility of Death in the Mind of Someone Living." For those not inclined toward superstar contemporary artwork, this piece consists of a large shark carcass floating in a tank of formaldehyde. Well, wouldn't you know the damn carcass got to rotting and shrinking, and y'all know rich man wanted that fixed. So he had to negotiate with the artist to replace the shark. Most reports say Hirst was more than happy to accommodate.

Oh dear, we digress as usual. We found the most interesting bizness in Abelson's report the jaw dropping statement that Cohen purchased this $20 million house as an interim house until he finds something really good directly on the ocean. Money bags has so much money he can drop $20 million rather than rent someplace really nice for $300,000 for the summer. A-may-zing. We forget sometimes how sear-ee-us money behaves.

Abelson's report stated the house Cohen purchased had 10 bedrooms. We counted nine including the all important maid's room. Could be there's more bedrooms in the basement. Could be that the actual layout has been modified from the floor plan we filched off the developer's website.

Whatever the case, Cohen certainly needs a house with close to a dozen bedrooms. He has seven children and it just will not do for children of billionaires to be doubling up in the bedrooms of poppa's summer house.

As we mentioned the floor plan shows a single and small maids room tucked into a corner off the kitchen. With at least 11 terlits to clean, we feel sorry for the maid who in addition to scrubbing poopers is likely required to polish the wood floors, and dust the de Koonings and the Pollack. Your Mama sincerely hopes Cohen will bring in outside help so that he does not overburden a single maid.

We know the builder of this house, Farrell Building Company, is an excellent builder, but we did not know that the company is funded by the Carlyle Group. That's an interesting bit of information that sort of scares the bejeezus out of us...Don't know who the Carlyle Group is? Google it. Its the private equity firm where former President Bush used to be employed.

The layout of the house is certainly gracious, and Abelson tells us the grounds have all the necessary Hampton's features like a gunite pool with pavillion, Har-Tru tennis court. Even the basement is kitted out for the super rich with a wine cellar, media room and spa.

Given all the accoutrement on the property, it would seem Cohen and his small army of children will never need to walk the private pathway to the ocean.

Sources: NY Observer, Art News Blog, Forbes

Get Lost at Terry O'Quinn's Hawaii Hideaway

SELLER: Terry O'Quinn
LOCATION: Maulukua Place, Haleiwa, HI
PRICE: $2,940,000
SIZE: 4,335 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 6 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Lovely celebrity 1.17. Ultimate private North Shore living, nicely manicured landscape, scenic ocean and mountain views. Gated with three private entrances for main home, guest cottage that has rental income and service entrance. Large master bedroom w/ office, large family room, fireplace, workout room and more. Enjoy the waves and picture postcard views of the ocean from your pool.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: We know we're not going to be popular for saying this, but Your Mama has never seen a single episode of Lost, the enigmatic cult television show with a convoluted series of story lines, where we are to understand that Terry O'Quinn plays a strange and mysterious character named John Locke.

All that we know of this program is that it films in Hawaii, has something to to with people in a plane crash, and like our favorite daytime drama Passions, is fond of supernatural story lines. Oh, and it features sexy Matthew Fox and once co-starred the troubled "is she or is not not a lesbian" DUI diva Michelle Rodriquez.

Mister O'Quinn's house, which he purchased in August of 2005 for $2,050,000, is located up in the hills on a cul de sac not far from the Waimea Bay on the North Shore of Oahu. If you've ever been near a surfer you'll know that the North Shore is home to some of the most intense wave action in the world including the Banzai Pipeline and Sunset Beach Park where winter waves regularly roll in at 15 and 20 feet.

We haven't a clue if Mister O'Quinn rides the waves shouting "kowabunga!" but certainly he has a lovely and serene view out the back of his house. The listing shows the house sits on just over an acre of land and encompasses nearly 5,000 square feet with staff or guest quarters, enclosed and open lanais, a den/study, family room, media room, and a work out room.

The listing also shows 5 bedrooms and six terlits on the property which is enough to keep Mister O'Quinns wahine busy with a terlit brush and a can of comet the good part of each weekend. That is unless there's hired help, then it'll only keep the maid busy a good portion of the weekend.

The backyard pool and spa have spectacular views of Waimea Falls Park and beyond to the pounding ocean. In a nod to local vernacular and materials, the sides of the pool have been encrusted with lava rock. Which looks great. But don't run your bare skin on it, because lava stones sometimes have jagged points like broken glass. And who needs stitches every time you get in and out of the pool?

The interior of the house looks pretty nice. Your Mama loves bright and primary colors (we're simple minded that way), but none the less we might chose a less severe yellow for the walls. The furniture looks like it was chosen for comfort and overall, it looks like a cozy place to tuck in after a long night of filming on the beach.

There seem to be a lot of knick knacky things in the living, dining and kitchen areas. We do think the knick knacks can be interesting, and even telling about the person who owns and displays them, but Your Mama normally tries to keep the knick knacks to a minimum if only for practical purposes. They can make it so difficult and time consuming for the maid to dust.

We love all the matchstick blinds but we would take the gauzy white draped fabric from around the windows in the bedroom. We know most people like this sort of window decoration but we just find it distracting since they seem to serve no useful purpose. Unless they can be closed to filter the sunlight. But then again, that's what matchstick blinds do.

The photo of the sunset is really quite lovely and we like to imagine Mister O'Quinn and his wahine sucking down a bottle of red wine in the spa while watching the sun set. Or is it Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter we imagine sucking down a bottle of wine and watching the sun set?

Sources: Advocate, Internet Movie Data Base,

Show Some Love for Girlfriend Golden Brooks

SELLER: Golden Brooks
LOCATION: Pacific View Drive, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $1,650,000
SIZE: 3 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Upscale celebrity owned contemporary with 2 story entry hall, skylights, hardwood floors, soaring ceilings, media room, home office and over sized gourmet kitchen. 2 fireplaces, city views. Very hip, sexy and decorated to perfection. Outdoor patios with bbq & cabana. The perfect entertainers home. Shows extremely well. Near all studio. Private, quiet, all access security and direct access from the garage.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Okay children, Your Mama is very bizzy today and we have a back log of celebrity homes to bring you this week, so we're going to dash this off right quick. This property was easy as it's being marketed as a celebrity owned home. And the celebrity is Golden Brooks. Do y'all think that is her real name? We do not have the time to go looking that up, but can we assume that since the lady is from San Francisco that maybe her parents were hippies? Don't quote Your Mama on that one, we're just grasping at straws.

Miz Brooks plays on a program called Girlfriends on the CW, which is of course the channel that was formed by the not so successful merger of UPN and the WB. Girlfriends is a comedy about the trials, tribulations, and relationship dramedy of four strong and upscale black woman. The show co-stars Tracee Ellis Ross who happens to be the daughter of Your Mama's favorite old school big haired music diva, Miss Diana Ross.

We find it inneresting, and perhaps you will too, that Miz Brooks is not just and ack-tress. Oh no. She is an educated ack-tress with a degree from UC Berkeley, and even more impressive, a Master's degree from Sarah Lawrence College. Well alright gurl, you got it done in the school room!

Property records are a wee bit confusing on this one...at least when we're trying to rush out the door to a meeting. Records show that Miz Brooks purchased a vacant piece of land in June of 2002 for $856,500. We can only assume then that she had this house built to her specification shortly thereafter. The house sits way up in the hills just off Mulholland Drive, incidentally, not far from a house Your Mama once looked at. The easy access to Highway 101 and Cahuenga (ka-weyn-ga to those not in L.A.) Boulevard make this home particularly appealing.

Anyhoo, the listing did not include any exterior photos of the house so we can't offer any pithy, cutting, or complimentary remarks about the architectural statement, or lack thereof, the house makes.

We do, however, have mixed feelings about what we see on the interior. We are loving the glamour-fest of the living and dining spaces. The taupe wall and he white 1940s chairs coupled with what appears to be a Lucite dining table is dee-vine. We even like the big mirror leaning against the wall even though big leaning mirrors are no longer that fashionable. The light blue sofa with the tufted arms is sa-weet. It does remind us of something we might see in the dressing room of an upscale ladies boutique, but we're good with that.

A little tough to see the details of the kitchen which appears to be a pretty standard issue remodeled kitchen with black granite counter tops. We imagine, but are not sure, there are stainless steel appliances. Right?

We like that there are more bathrooms than bedrooms which means guests will have their own private pooper. All all the children know how much Your Mama appreciates private poopers.

Here's what we'd change. Given Miz Brooks' flair for furniture with a dramatic side, we'd darken the floors. Nothing wrong with the golden like her name yellow floors, but we just think something ebonized would allow that Lucite table and blue sofa to pop more effectively.

All due respeckt, but we're not feeling that stair railing gurl. We don't know if it's just a bad picture or if that rail would be better suited to a tract house in Temecula, but it looks like you ran out of money when you bought that thing.

The other change we might suggest is a rug or two. Obviously we're not seeing much of the house and perhaps there are rugs all over the place. But we're thinking a nice boldly colored rug in that room with the fireplace would have those white (or creme?) slipper chairs and the glass coffee table looking more fetching and inviting. Every woman and gay guy with a television knows how all the designers on HGTV stress focal points so we'd also recommend sticking a nice piece of art up over the fireplace to draw the eye upwards to toward the fireplace.

Your Mama would like to wish Miz Brooks success in selling her house and we look forward to our invitation to the housewarming at yer new place.

Sources: Internet Movie Data Base

More on Neil Patrick Harris in Studio City

SELLER: Neil Patrick Harris
LOCATION: 4434 Ben Avenue, Studio City, CA
PRICE: $1,299,000
SIZE: 1,996 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: As y'all will recall, Miz Ruth Ryon at the LA Times teased us in her most recent Hot Properties column when she discussed the recent real estate activities of the thrice named actor Neil Patrick Harris. We quickly contacted a source who was able to provide us with the information on the newly purchased house including it's purchase price of $1,500,000. As a follow up to our post on the house that happily out actor Neil Patrick Harris purchased recently, Your Mama now has the information on his former abode which is for sale at $1,299,000. We have one of our favorite email pals to thank for his sussing out of the listing.

The property's north of Ventura Boulevard location in the flats of Studio City means it sits amid a lackluster and very modest even ordinary neighborhood. Not bad or unsafe, but more middle class suburban neighborhood than Hollywood celebrity glamorous. But given the house Mister Harris just purchased, we already knew he's not interested in impressing catty gays, Bev Hills snobs, and/or celebrity real estate gossips with his address. And Your Mama respecks this choice.

According to property records N.P. paid 635k for the property in July of 1999 when he was just a young puppy. The house sits on a cul de sac which ensures little car traffic. Over time Your Mama has come to appreciate a well shaded house in SoCal and this property delights us in this respect. There are so many trees on the property that the house stays well shaded and cool. This might not sound so great, but you have to remember children, that it's much warmer in the San Fernando Valley than it is on the other side of the hills where the coastal breezes cool the air all the way to the Hollywood Hills.

The listing states the house has a living room, dining room with bay window, renovated kitchen with what appears to be the original cabinetry juxtaposed with high grade stainless steel appliances and another feature that makes Your Mama wild with envy...a walk in pantry. The listing also describes a media room equipped with surround sound for perfect acoustics and a "romantic" master suite that includes a vaulted and beamed ceiling, lighted and customised closets, and a luxe bath with a steam shower.

The backyard features a large brick patio, an oval pool with a dark bottom (what!?) and an electronic cover. A pool house with beamed ceiling opens to the pool area and has a large fireplace and bar area.

We like and respect N.P. Harris but we hate every piece of furniture we see in the photos. We are also not fond of the parquet flooring but we could live with it. Unfortunately we're not digging the master bath either, but we do love a steam shower. However, Your Mama suspects the photos don't do the property justice and we are quite sure the house is probably much, much nicer than the photos suggest.

Although we respect and appreciate N.P.'s real estate modesty, honestly, we think one of N.P.'s more stylish gay friends should get up in his new house quick and give him some advice in selecting sofas, dining room tables, and lighting. Or, N.P., you can just call Your Mama and well dash right over to the valley and go shopping whittcha.

Double Whammy: Anderson Cooper (II)

OWNER: Anderson Cooper
LOCATION: West 38th Street, New York, NY
PRICE: $2,480,000 (pre renovation)
SIZE: ??

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Okay babies, Your Mama is back with the second installment of the Anderson Cooper Double Whammy. Again we have Christiane Freakspeaker to thank for her help, information, and the gorgeous photographs. Feel free to pop over to her blog to read her analysis of the Coop's new Midtown Manhattan penthouse apartment.

Located in the very same building where his previous loft apartment is located, the Coop bought the top floor unit in early 2005 paying $2,480,000 for the 2,000 square foot space. According to Miz Freakspeaker, the Coop quickly called up his pal at the architecture firm Workshop/apd and, apparently, requested a glamorous re-do that involved blowing through the roof and adding a second floor and multiple terraces. You'll recall this is the same firm that did up his previous unit.

You'll note that in the photographs above, the top photo, the aerial, is a rendering of the unit and not an actual photo. However, the other images are indeed photos of the completed unit.

Let's start at the top and work our way down. The architects have provided extensive roof decking for sunbathing. However, we are concerned that the lack of screening means a lack of privacy and the Coop may not feel comfortable stripping down to his tiny little speedo and having a pal lather him up with cocoa butter if the folks in the building across the way can watch the whole innocent, yet lurid and captivating, scene.

Also up on the roof and a little difficult to see in the photo is a hot tub. Well you can imagine what sorts of naughtiness might go on there so no need to discuss.

Down to the media room, which seems to have some sort of slatted and wonderfully modern system for modulating light. We have no idea if that's some sort of bent wood or steal, but we're guessing some of the larger openings serve as book shelves?

Into the master bedroom with the white cabinetry and wide gas fireplace. Do y’all recognize the little African stool? That was a foot rest in the living room of the old apartment. Somehow is warms our insides to know that the Coop didn’t simply toss all the old furniture out like yesterday’s trash. We appreciate the simple and functional window shades and could not be more thrilled that the Coop did not opt for heavy drapery.

Check Miz Freakspeakers blog for another photo of the master that shows the bedroom area separated from the shower by just a large pane of floor to ceiling glass. Primed for more naughtiness while rinsing off the chlorine from the roof top hot tub.

We are pleased not to see the big portrait of Gloria Vanderbilt above the bed. Although we are still squeamish about the portrait of his father Wyatt Cooper hanging next to the fireplace. Who wants to wake up and look at a giant painting of one's father looking pensive and unsure? Not Your Mama. Again, it's not the painting we don't like, just the location it was hung.

The kitchen is a pretty standard loft style kitchen that probably cost upwards of $100,000 in custom cabinets made of an exotic wood and what appears to be Corian counters. Or Silestone or some such thing.

The guest bedroom, in our humble opinion is dee-vine. We love an all white room, unless it’s one of those cold and crazy rooms at the Delano in Miami. Those we’re not so keen on. Anyhoo, we like the incorporation of the desk into the bed and think it’s just lovely and thoughtfull the Coop provides a computer for his guests to cruise the internet and check their email. It appears that the “wall” on the right side of the room where the door is located, is all glass. We imagine this is the super fancy sort of glass that goes milky white at the flip of a switch so that the guests have a modicum of privacy.

Your Mama is die-ing to see the floor plan for this place, so if anyone knows where to see that, please let us know. While we're not in love with the West 38th Street location, we have to say, we love this apartment. It's so great to see someone with deep pockets commission an architect to build something that feels modern and new. Nothing wrong with a gorgeous high-ceiling pre-war building. Your Mama happens to live in one. But given it's the 21st century, we are appreciative of architects and clients who are designing, building, and paying for apartments that will take us towards the next century.

The only question we have is where are all the luscious books that we saw in the Coop's previous apartment?

Sources: The Freakspeakers

Double Whammy: Anderson Cooper (I)

SELLER: Anderson Cooper
LOCATION: West 38th Street, New York, NY
PRICE: $1,580,000 (sale price)
SIZE: 2,000 square feet, 2 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Today we're going to bring the children something special, the Anderson Cooper Double Whammy. First we will discuss the Midtown Manhattan loft apartment he sold in 2005, and then later in the day Your Mama will bring y'all some information on his new penthouse apartment which happens to be located on the top floors of the very same building as his old apartment.

But before we begin we would like to express our sincerest thanks to Christiane Freakspeaker who has provided us with more information than we ever thought we needed to know about Anderson Cooper through her Anderson Cooper 360 Blog. It was on the tip of a reader that we were directed over to Miz Freakspeaker's blog, and for the last few days Ms. Freakspeakers has been a dee-lite to deal with and it is from her that we received all the glorious photos.

Because coincidence can be fun...Just yesterday, someone Your Mama knows quite well was working out at the gayest gym in New York where he was huffing and puffing lifting weights next to none other than the very thin grey haired television news stud himself. The Coop was working out with a verrry good looking trainer who we're told models in his spare time. We're sure it was purely a bizness relationship, but Coop, hunny, if you're looking to keep the gossips quiet about your "proclivities," working out at a gayest gym in New York is certainly not the way to do it.

Anyhoo, let's go back into the dark recesses of our minds and remember that a couple of years ago the Coop put this loft on the market for $2,200,000 with powerhouse brokerage Brown Harris Stevens. All the real estate gossips in New York took notice and the vigil began. But there were no takers.

So the price was reduced to $1,895,000 and the gossips went wild again. This was back when the Manhattan market was white hot and apartments were sold at record prices even before they were for sale. But still no one wanted to buy the Coop's coop.

The price was hacked once again. This time to $1,795,000. And of course the real estate gossips pounced. And then, finally, along come a couple of gays, one of them a real estate agent at Brown Harris Stevens, and they steal the place in December 2005 for just $1,580,000.

Miz Freakspeakers tells us the Coop had the place designed, decorated, and customized by an architect friend, a partner at Workshop/apd, who squeezed a fair amount of space into 2,000 square feet. We have fond memories of pouring over the photos and floor plan of this apartment back before this blog was even a glimmer in our eye. And we recall reading all the real estate blogs and reports about the difficulty the Coop was having selling the place. But we also remember thinking this place was pretty spiffy, and even modest for someone who is an heir to the Gloria Vanderbilt denim legacy.

With space and storage at such a premium in Manhattan, Your Mama is very appreciative of all the cabinetry in the living room which surely provided the Coop with plenty of space to store knick-knacks, heirlooms, and porn tapes. In the interest of comfort, we prefer a sofa over the Aalto chairs, but these look nice too. The desk space in the living room with the fancy Eames office chair conjures up images of late nights and Coop sitting in his boxers (or briefs?) clacking away on his lap top, working his fingers to the nubbins to bring the world the latest on Darfur, Katrina, and the fate of Afghani women in exile.

The very expensive looking dining room furniture was instantly turned multi-culti boho chic with the table runner, which we imagine the Coop bought for 12 cents in some filthy market in a country where people are lucky to eat one meal a day. The bookshelves in this area are a welcome touch. So many times we see fancy apartments without a book in them and we think, "Who are these people who don't read?" We knew deep in our heart that the Coop is a reader.

The bedrooms, located at the back of the apartment, lack the sort of closet space we would like to see. We imagine the Coop must have needed a storage unit so that he could swap out the summer Prada for the winter Prada. We don't mind the smallish size of the bedrooms, but the master bedroom does not have direct access to the master bath, which can be a real drag when you're nekkid and need to pee in the middle of the night and your mother in law, who is visiting for the weekend, needs to to the same thing.

One item that disturbs us is the huge portrait of Gloria Vanderbilt above the bed. We can't be sure whether this was the master bedroom or the guest bedroom, but either way it's troublesome. Don't get Your Mama wrong, ain't nothing wrong with Miz Vanderbilt. Lady was a lacquer haired diva of beauty, fashion, and culture who in the 1980s smartly and proudly put her family name on the butts of every disco queen from Long Island to Los Angeles. But think about it...how was the Coop supposed to do the nasty with his mama looking down and watching the whole thing? That's just creepy if you ask us, and surely there was a better location for that portrait.

Oddly enough, this apartment is back on the market. And what price do you think the sellers are asking? $1,795,000.

One of the reasons Coop was so eager to sell this place was that in early 2005 he purchased the top floor unit of the very same building for $2,480,000 according to property records. He had big plans for the top floor unit including busting through the roof and adding a second floor. More on that later.

Sources: Freakspeakers, Gawker, Curbed

Madonna Low Balls Manhattan Mansion

While Your Mama was away on vacation we missed some fun and interesting celebrity real estate gossip including the juicy tidbit posted on the 8th of May in the NY Observer about Madonna's low ball offer for an Upper East Side townhouse.

All the New York real estate gossips went bonkers a couple months ago when Madonna was being squired around to all the ritzy townhouses that are for sale. Along with a slew of other websites, columns, and blogs, RADAR told us Madge went ape shit for the $35 million John Duncan mansion at 8 East 62nd Street which sprawls over 15,000 square feet and includes a swimming pool in the basement, three kitchens, and a bamboo forest in the library.

Then last week the NY Observer, who are blessed with some of the most accurate and prolific tipsters, reported that an insider whispered to them that Madge has made low offers on several high end properties around town including a $25,000,000 offer on the Duncan mansion.

See children, even rich people have budgets and look for bargains. If you can call $25 million a bargain for a house anyway. Whatever the case, New Yorkers eagerly await Madonna's return even as they mock her for her new British accent and maul her in the tabs for her adoption of an African boy.

More on 50 Cent's House

SELLER: Curtis Jackson, aka 50 Cent
LOCATION: 50 Poplar Hill Road, Farmington, CT
PRICE: $18,500,000
SIZE: 17.6 acres, 48,515 square feet, 19 bedrooms, 19 full and 16 half bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Surely most of you read about the this outrageous property on one of our favorite sites RADAR or over at Big Time Listings. Your Mama had been holding out on posting anything until we had something new to add, but we can't resist the photos that have been put up on the website created to help sell the house. And one tidbit of information provided us by a gentleman named Garreth is also worth relaying to the children. Here's the reader's digest on the house which was once owned by girly voiced boxer Mike Tyson who has been banged in the head so many times he doesn't have enough sense to come in out of the rain.

The dimwitted boxer with the stoopid facial tattoos lost this house in his dee-vorce settlement when a judge decreed he must "sell" it to the ex-wife Monica for a single dollar. Ouch! Now think about that. What single lady living off spousal support from Mike Tyson wants or can afford a 52,000 square foot mansion with 19 bedrooms and nearly forty terlits? No single lady, that's who.

So Monica puts the house up on the market and low and behold in September of 2003, gangsta rapper 50 Cent, flush with new money and something to prove, buys the place for $4,100,000. The rapper, who among other things is famous for being shot full of holes out in front of his grandmother's house, claims to have spent between $3.5 and $6 million renovating the house.

But Your Mama wants to know where is all the money Fiddy claims he put into this house? Can't be in the dining room with those depressing funeral home curtains and those ridiculous and upsetting white chairs with the bull dog legs.

Or in the 3,500 square foot home disco which looks like the night club at the Holiday Inn in Minot, North Dakota. And Your Mama knows what that looks like too because we've been there. And where's the stripper pole? Y'all know Fiddy put at least one greased pole up in there for the high class Connecticut ladies to swing on and wrap themselves around.

Okay, maybe the living room has some expensive and tasteful Biedermeir like furniture, but seriously, where's all the money? We too read the story that RADAR referenced about Fiddy asking Louis Vuitton to paper the place with their logo. We thought that would be tacky until we saw this pictures of this place and realized that would actually be tasteful compared to the choices Fiddy's obviously not-gay decorator made.

In addition to the disco, movie theater, four kitchens, racquetball court, full gym, heli-pad, tennis courts, staff quarters and 5 jacuzzis, the house has what everyone needs, an indoor shooting range. Because if you're going to own a gun, it's best to be able to know how to use it, right?

The one room that makes any sense to us is the indoor swimming pool, which actually reminds Your Mama of a public pool our Mama used to take us up in Lake Tahoe. We understand that at one time this pool had Mike Tyson's initials on the bottom and we wonder if Fiddy had them removed and replaced with a dollar sign or some other symbol of wealth.

The outdoor, infinity edged pool probably cost Fiddy and arm and a leg, but in our opinion the tile was the wrong choice. That tile can be seen in just about any Home Depot sale bin. The grotto we're liking. It's not as nice as the one at the Playboy Mansion, but it works as a place for Fiddy's posse to cool off and entertain the ladies after they've slid themselves up and down the pole in the disco.

And our little friend Garreth tells us something we had not heard before..."Interestingly, for a bullet-proof-vest-sporting, bomb-proof-SUV-driving superstar, the house remains a little unsecured: a rival rapper (feuding with 50) posted videos of himself and others standing on 50's property looking at his house after accessing the grounds through the acreage in the rear."

We can only hope that Fiddy has secured the borders since then because Farmington does not need a shoot out between rival rapper gangs nor does he need bullet holes in the walls that might need to be fixed before someone buys this behemoth of a house.

Tyson's ex Monica tried to sell this house for $25,000,000 before reducing the price and finally accepting 50 Cent's $4.1 million dollar offer. So we'd be surprised if the house will go for anywhere near the $18.5 million Fiddy is asking. But good luck to him. He's got a knack for making paper, so maybe, just maybe, he'll make millions on the sale of this house.

Sources: Radar, Big Time Listings

Please Buy Michael Madsen's Malibu House

SELLER: Michael Madsen
LOCATION: 31504 Victoria Point Road, Malibu, CA
PRICE: $9,950,000
SIZE: 3,424 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Private, gated street at Trancas Point, the most romantic section of Broad Beach. The property much close escrow by May 16, 2007. Possibly by May 30, 2007 with a fully executed purchase contract in hand and ALL contingencies removed.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Oh Dear. We are not privy to all the ins and outs of this house and it's current ownership by actor Michael Madsen, but it appears something is terribly amiss. Our first clue was of course the listing itself which states the house needs to be sold as quickly as possible and preferably by Wednesday this week.

Property records don't improve things as they show a mortgage that exceeds the original purchase price and also some default on payments. Your Mama only hopes we're reading these records incorrectly and that Madsen is choosing to sell rather than being forced to sell.

The intense actor, who is best known for his role as Mr. Blonde in Quentin Tarantino's cult film Reservoir Dogs, purchased this house in July of 1999 from television superstar and balding actor Ted Danson for $1,995,000. Danson and his wifey Mary Steenburgen moved down the road and into a smallish ocean front house within the exclusive and gated Malibu Colony.

Four things we did not know about Madsen:

1. He's the brother of Academy Award nominated actress Virginia Madsen.

2. He's a published author and poet whose books can be purchased at Amazon.

3. He had an affair with the foul mouthed Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss.

4. He turned down John Travolta's lead role in Pulp Fiction to work on a film with Kevin Costner.

As for the house, well, it's well located on a gated street according to the listing, the views are spectacular, and the stretch of beach on the north end of Broad Beach is private, which is always a good think in Malee-boo. But it's a bit difficult for us to make any assessments about the house itself from the few photos provided on the mls by the listing agent. We will say that we wish Mr. Madsen had cleaned off the kitchen counters before the photos were taken.

Your Mama sincerely wishes Madsen all the luck in the world in terms of selling this house. We hope he gets a fully executed contract in a couple of days and he can sail out of here unscathed.

We would also like to thank Barney Fife for the tip to this property. Barney has tipped us off more times than we can count and we're always grateful for his inside line.

Sources: Internet Movie Data Base

Neil Patrick Harris Sashays Across Studio City

BUYER: Neil Patrick Harris
LOCATION: Studio City, CA
PRICE: $1,500,000
SIZE: 2,408 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Sophisticated living with breathtaking views. This Longridge Estate home features 3BD, 3BA, pool, spa, + infinity deck. Cooks kitchen has SS Viking + Bosche appls, custom cabinets + granite tops. 5 sets of french doors spill out to sprawling brick patio. One of the best view properties in the valley.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Your Mama spent this Sunday morning as we do every Sunday morning sitting by the window sucking up a big cup of coffee and pouring over Ruth Ryon's Hot Properties column in the LA Times. This morning, among other juicy tidbits, we learned that Neil Patrick Harris, the recently outed and refreshingly proud gay actor with the tremendous forehead, listed his Studio City house for sale and recently purchased another house.

Although we searched and searched we have yet to come up with any information on the house he's selling. But with the help of our Fairy Godmother, we were able to get some information and photos of the house Neil bought. It too is located in Studio City and, as Ms. Ryon reported, the house has 3 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms in just over 2,400 square feet. The modest 1950s ranch style house is located on the up slope with a long gated driveway that terminates in a drive court and a triple car garage.

The kitchen is remodeled and kitted out with all the accoutrement people want in kitchens nowadays including granite counter tops and high-grade stainless steel appliances. The large pool deck is all brick and is accessed through five sets of french doors. According to the listing the property offers one of the best views in the valley. And it just might, although it's not located very high up in the hills.

We know most of the photos above are blurry, but children, this is what we got. So yer going to have to squint your eyes and do the best you can to make sense of what you're looking at.

We confess there is something appealing about N.P.Harris, who has had more than one successful sitcom, including his most recent program How I Met Your Mother, and of course, his iconic role as Doogie Howser the teenage doctor. Your Mama is quite certain the man could afford a much more expensive and sexy house. But instead, he bought something very modest by Los Angeles standards and the house screams "I have nothing to prove!" to the real estate snobs of the world. We are impressed by Neil's lack of need to impress anyone with the cost of his house.

Now children, we're keeping the street address in our vault because Neil has not even moved into this house and we think he deserves to at least get aspirin in the medicine chest before the world knows his address. Besides, we do not want to be responsible for a huge number of homosexuals driving by squeezing their nipples and flashing their naughty bits at Neil hoping he'll invite them up the long drive. What we will tell you is the house is located in Longridge Estates, a reasonably posh but not fancy section of Studio City, just south of Ventura Boulevard. It also happens to be located right next door to a house once owned by former congressman Barry Goldwater Jr.

We know we are going to get a slew of comments and emails from a bunch of angry gays and crazed fans who think we're doing a real disservice to y'all by not posting the street address. And you know what? We don't care. We have to draw the lines where we feel we need to draw the lines. If you don't like it, well, complain about it somewhere else because Your Mama can not hear all you foul mouthed bitches who want to come up in here an read this blog and then tell us how terrible you think it is. Show some respeckt and just be grateful for what we give you.

Now then. Neil hunny, we wish you all the best in your new house and we would like to tell you that we are proud as parents about your direct and no nonsense coming out. All the closeted gays in the film and television bizness could, and maybe should, take a lesson from you. Well done.

Sources: Defamer

Chad and Sophia's Windfall in Landfall

SELLER: Chad Michael Murray and Sophia Bush
LOCATION: 713 Windswept Place, Wilmington, NC
PRICE: $860,000
SIZE: 4,100 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 4.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Everything you need and more! this spectacular home has a place for everyone in the family. Located on the end of a cul-de-sac with no drive through.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Now children, Your Mama will watch just about any reality show they'll put up on the damn boob toob, but we draw our television watching line at teen dramas. So we don't mind telling you we have never seen a single episode of One Tree Hill. So even on a good day we couldn't pick Sophia Bush or Chad Michael Murray out of a line-up.

However, we do read the gossips and know that once upon a time, in 2003, romance bloomed on the set of O.T.H. for these two youngsters who were married in May of 2005. That would be not long after the young couple purchased the home pictured above in September of 2004 for $573,500, which is located in a development outside Wilmington, NC where their program is filmed.

But almost immediately after the big Santa Monica nuptials where the bride wore Vera Wang and the groom a custom made Ralph Lauren tux, rumors began to roll that Mister Murray was having a hard time keeping it in his pants. Some reports even say he got a little too close to sex kitten and soon to be jail bird Paris Hilton when they were filming House of Wax.

Five months after the wedding a public separation and dee-vorce ensued for the young couple. Miss Sophia had to endure the further humiliation of watching her ever so classy 24 year old ex-huzband court, woo, and get engaged to a 17 year old high school gurl who worked as an extra on One Tree Hill. Can all the children hear the sounds of retching through the computer? That is just so tacky Mister Murray. Seventeen?! We do not want to hear the blather about soul mates and true love. The gurl was seventeen years old and you had no bizness dating her and touching her teenage coochie...and don't give us any bull shit about not doing the sex bizness until she was eighteen. Your Mama is not that naive and neither is anyone else for that matter.

Anyhoo, we digress. A young tipster we'll call Jonathan Swift clued us in to this property which is located in one of Wilmington's "nicer" developments called "Landfall," a gated country club and golf course community. It is unclear to Your Mama who will get the proceeds from the sale of this house as property records show it in Mister Murray's name, but Jonathan Swift recalls seeing a profile of Miss Sophia in Calabasas Magazine which pictured her in this house in the Spring of 2006 talking about decorating and her dogs.

Your Mama has never been to Wilmington, North Carolina. In fact the closest we've ever come to North Carolina at all is having a cuzzin we never visited who matriculated at Duke. But we imagine this house is typical of the sort of place one would expect to see in this neck of the woods. Traditional. Ordinary. Non-threatening. The sort of place middle aged in-laws live.

Which is strange because Mister Murray and Miss Sophia are neither in-laws or even out of their 20s yet. So this house seems a wee bit incongruous to us. We could understand if they had bought a loft downtown or even some shackety-shack in sea side Wrightsville Beach. But a gated, suburban house on a golf course? It's just so un-sexy and, well, OLD. Sorry old people, Your Mama is old too, so don't take offense.

From the photos it would seem Miss Sophia has long moved out so there is no need for you crazy people to try to bust through the gates of this community to try an catch a glimpse of this girl. Doing that would just make you an ignoramus anyway.

We have no idea where Miss Sophia has gone now that she's moved from her marital house of horrors, but property records show that in June of 2006 Mister Murray purchased a 4 bedroom, 3 bathroom, 4,624 square foot house in another gated community in Wilmington for $545,000. Murray also owns a 1,620 square foot condo on Coldwater Canyon Boulevard in a not very sexy section of the San Fernando Valley called Valley Village for which he paid $330,000 back in 2002.

Your Mama hopes that Miss Sophia has moved on to find someone who will not cheat on her and we hope that Mister Murray has learned to keep it zipped up. And of course, we hope the teenager's parents are watching the situation closely.

Sources: Perez Hilton, Hollywood.com

Lucy "Xena" Lawless in Studio City

SELLER: Lucy Lawless / Robert Tapert
LOCATION: Eureka Drive, Studio City, CA
PRICE: $3,695,000
SIZE: 5,600 square feet (approx.), 5 bedrooms, 7.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Gated retreat with views. 2 story living room w/fireplace, formal dining, media room, eat-in Chef's kitchen, master w/fireplace, sumptuous bathroom w/steam shower, spa tub, 2 additional BR w/bath. Loft library. 2 story guest house w/glass enclosed dining, kitchen, 2 large bedroom suites, gym w/bath, office, pool & spa.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES:Even though she thinks of herself as a soccer mom, Your Mama would not want to meet bad ass Lucy Lawless in a dark alley of the San Fernando Valley where she lives up in the hills of Studio City with her huzband Robert Tapert and their children. Fortunately Miz Lawless, who most of you know portrayed Xena The Warrior Princess, spends a good chunk of her down time in her native New Zealand, so we don't have to worry so much about getting a beat down on Ventura Boulevard some dark night.

Mister Lawless, Robert Tapert, works his thang as a Hollywood producer with a long list of credits that include umpteen action programs about Hercules in the 1990s and a variety of not very well known thriller films like Boogeyman and The Gift. Not exactly Your Mama's cup of tea, but the man is working hard and making a good living so what have we to beef about?

And of course, everyone knows Miz Lucy Lawless is one of the queens of sci-fi action programs who was launched into the stratosphere of television history for her lead role in the cult hit Xena: Warrior Princess in the 1990s and early 2000s. More recently the buff mother of three children by two baby daddies has been seen in a slew of Battlestar Galactica episodes as well as cameos on Veronica Mars and Two and a Half Men with tabloid beleaguered Charlie Sheen.

The sci-fi/action/thriller super-couple were married in March of 1998 and shortly thereafter purchased this Studio City mini-manse just spitting distance from Universal Studios. Located at the end of a cul de sac and up a long driveway, the house provides maximum privacy from the notoriously devoted Xena fans (and fanatics). Other celebs in the 'hood include former sexy man turned d-list actor Erik Estrada, actor/producer Jeremy Bolt, and the former home of attorney Edward Masry, who y'all may remember was the gruff lawyer in the Julia Roberts vehicle Erin Brockovich who in real life won a $330+ million settlement against Pacific Gas & Electric.

Property records show the couple purchased the house in November of 1998 for $1,525,000. Records show the house at 4,847 square feet, but the listing states the house has approx. 5,600 square feet. The discrepancy in size may be the guest house or perhaps an addition, but honestly, Your Mama is just not sure.

What do we think of the house you might ask? Let's start with the living room. The large size and high ceilings are lovely. And we like that sort of 1970s flashback stone work on the fireplace, but the golden monkey creature on the mantel concerns us greatly. Imagine coming up on that thing after a few pre-dinner cocktails?

We are appreciating the contempo vibe of the kitchen and the sensually curving counter is a nice touch, but even with the colorful tile back splash there something bland about this room. However, we suspect all of our fears and suspicions about this room would be alleviated by a quick spin through the kitchen and a run of the hand over the stainless steel counter tops.

The family room could be in just about any middle class house across middle America. And even though it's a wee big small for the room, we do appreciate the deer antler chandelier. Settle down all you design freaks. Your Mama knows they've become a little passé and aren't new and thrilling, but it's working with the beamed ceilings. Even you design divas who insist on the latest and greatest know it's working, so schuss.

The master bedroom we are feeling totally comfortable about. The custom cabinetry that surrounds the thoroughly modern fireplace with it's simple firebox warms the cockles of our hearts. We are particularly appreciative of the built ins that house the flat screen and various components necessary for television watching in the 21st century. We say no to the rug, and the sofa and pale periwinkle wall color are a wee fey for our taste, but they are really quite lovely and work well with the honey hued Heywood Wakefield credenza and the Noguchi coffee table.

The pool is nice in that it's not too large, but given the boulders and "beach" style shallow end, we might have chosen a slightly darker surface finish. And of course, everyone who has ever read this blog knows that Your Mama loves the 2 bedroom guesthouse so that over-night guests have plenty of their own space where they are kept out of our hair when we're ready to put on the caftan and mud mask before bed.

Honestly children, Your Mama is not much for the Xena shit, or sci-fi, or thriller movies, so we don't really know much about Miz Lawless and her huzband. Are they going back to New Zealand full time? Are they splitting up? Have they purchased a newer, bigger, better house? We don't know. So don't be telling anyone you heard anything about this couple except they're selling their big house in Studio City. For the rest of the news and gossip on the couple you'll have to search Perez Hilton and Socialite Life.

Sources: Internet Movie Data Base

Live Like Goldie Hawn in Malibu

OWNER: Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell
LOCATION: Broad Beach Road, Malibu, CA
PRICE: $95,000/month
SIZE: 4,195 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 4.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Absolutely the prettiest lease available. Beautiful Balinese inspired home on deep sandy dunes, with gated entry. Oceanfront master bedroom suite with awe inspiring views, 2 large guest suites, office, sexy media room, and open kitchen living area overlooking oceanfront patio with intimate fireplace/gathering area and bar b que. Detached guest house with gym, kitchen and meditation room. NO PETS PLEASE...

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Summers is a-coming children so we hope you've lined up your Malee-boo rental for the season. Oceanfront rentals in this playground for the rich and famous are notoriously expensive and this one on Broad Beach Road, owned by Goldie Hawn, the world's smartest dumb blond, is no exception.

Your Mama is not the least bit sur-prized that this ditzy brainiac who is married to super hunk Kurt Russell would have a "Balinese inspired" house on one of the finest and most desirable Malee-boo beaches. Right? And a meditation room. Of course. Because this lady needs all the relaxation she can get to keep a level head in the topsy-turvy world of Hollywood studios who prefer big stars not age past 40 and to help tune out the on again / off again tabloid love affair of her lovely daughter/look-a-like Kate Hudson and the pursed lipped hottie Owen Wilson.

Miss Goldie and Kurtstud have owned this little slice of Balinese heaven in Malee-boo since at least the late 1980s according to property records. The common law couple's primary residence is only down the road a piece in Pacific Palisades where in 2004 they purchased a modest house at 1417 Capri Drive that has 5,075 square feet. Property records show they Hollywood superstars paid $4,124,590 for the 5 bedroom and 5 bathroom house.

Your Mama recalls from somewhere deep in the recesses of our failing mind that the couple actually own more than one property in The Palisades and that they let Kate live in one of them following her separation from Black Crow Chris Robinson. At one point, the couple owned the house directly across the street at 1422 Capri Drive, but it appears they sold that 12,860 square foot behemoth in 2004 for well over $10,000,000. So it's really unclear to us who actually occupies the house at 1417 Capri Drive.

In addition to an apartment in New York and a big house in Snowmass, the couple owns a 5,722 square foot, 4 bedroom, 5.5 bathroom getaway at the Bighorn Golf Club in ritzy Palm Desert near Palm Springs which they built after purchasing the lot in 1999 for $625,000.

But what Your Mama wants to know is why the couple will not allow pets at their Malee-boo retreat? We're sorry, but if we are paying $95,000 a month for a house we do not want to be forced to sneak our bitches Linda and Beverly inside the house. And y'all know that's exactly what we'd do too, squirrel those bitches into the house inside our beat up Louis Vuitton cases.

Before we sign off and head out into the screaming desert heat of Palm Springs where we are vacationing at The Parker, we would like to state for the record that Your Mama L.O.V.E.S. Miss Goldie Hawn. We like her in good movies like Overboard and bad movies like The First Wives Club. Your Mama thinks this bitch has worked her funny ass off in Hollywood and it is our very humble opinion that she deserves whatever Hollywood pedestal onto which she can climb up.

Absolutely The Last Crooz News

Dear God children Your Mama will be calling the men in white jackets ourselves if we can't put this TomKat real estate news to bed soon. Our cohorts over at RADAR have photos of the house and we couldn't leave you without that link, so go have a look-see at the tasteful opulence.

Today we also heard from someone who has been INSIDE the the new Crooz mansion and tells us it's "stunning." We can not reveal our source on this but let's call her Misty Gold. Misty would like you to know the kitchen has the biggest slab of Carrera marble she'd ever seen and that in the "awesome office" there was a photograph of Dick Cheney.

Misty also tells us that the two guest house like structures on the property are currently being used as a home gym with a massage room and a screening room.

The new swimming pool is a wee bit small according to Misty and the fountain in the drive court struck her as a little mafia like.

In an out of character moment, we're going to refrain from long commentary on the photos over at RADAR and say only that although we're not loving the exterior, the interior is ringing our bells. As usual, it's not what we'd do to our house, but who can beef and whine about all that delicious luxury?

P.S. To the person who asked if we drove by the new Crooz compound, yes we did. The other day the Dr. Cooter and I were whizzing down Schuyler Road in Bev Hills when Your Mama realized we were just around the corner from the new TomKat lair. How could we not have driven by children?

Two More Juicy Tidbits on the Crooz News

Before Your Mama hightails it out of Los Angeles for Palm Springs we have one more piece of news regarding the house TomKat purchased in Beverly Hills.

One of Your Mamas most reliable sources confirmed that indeed The Crooz bought Kurt Rappaport's house as we reported earlier today and that the filthy rich Scientologist paid $30,500,000 for the remodeled estate.

Your Mama is concerned where the paps are going to camp out at the end of the gates. Not only is the Calle Vista a narrow and winding street, there is no street parking. Clearly there was a method to Crooz's madness and he's successfully twarted the photogs from being able to camp out at the foot of the drive.

Another source tells us she thinks the Torreyson Drive compound is some sort of Scientology retreat. Good grief that's even worse that TomKat and the Kitten living up there. But at least the residents on Torreyson Drive can breathe easier now that TomKat is not coming to town.

Now, let's try to keep quiet about these two for awhile.

Tom Crooz Is Driving Us Insane

BUYER: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes Cruise (or whatever her name is)
LOCATION: Calle Vista Drive, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $30,500,305
SIZE: way more than 10,000 sq. ft.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Before the men come in the white clothes to haul Your Mama off to the sanitarium, we want to follow up on Ruth Ryon's report in her Hot Properties column about the house she is reporting TomKat purchased.

Now this all so very complex children, so see if you can follow. Reports in the last several month were wild and rampant about Crooz buying a house/compound up in the hills that was being renovated to house the Crooz clan and various family members, minders etc. It took us some amount of time, but this last week, Your Mama reported and discussed a compound up on Torreyson Drive that property records point to being owned by our favorite Thetan.

But at the same time we were hearing all sorts of whispers and rumors about The Crooz buying a $35,000,000 house in Beverly Hills that was located not very far from his current rental on N. Alpine Drive. We had even received some information from someone who often knows a lot about the strange and secret doings of Crooz and we reported on a couple of properties it was rumored we being considered.

Then today, the LA Times queen of celebrity real estate Ruth Ryon reports that Crooz did in fact buy a $35,000,000 house in Beverly Hills. She reported the house had 7 bedrooms, 10 bathrooms and 10,000+ square feet when it was originally built in 1937 and had been remodeled and expanded by it's current owners who purchased the house four years ago. She also reported that the house was not even for sale.

The property covers 1.3 acres down a long, long driveway making the house totally private from the street and includes all the accoutrement of a super swanky Bev Hills estate including tennis court, swimming pool, gardens, and high hedges affording serious privacy.

Well, children don't you know Your Mama was contacted very early this morning by one of our favorite tipsters who works DEEP inside high end real estate and she tells us the house they purchased is located on Calle Vista Drive.

Property records show the house as being owned by none other than Kurt Rappaport, one of the biggest and most successful brokers of high end real estate in Los Angeles and a co-owner of the powerhouse brokerage Westside Estate Agency.

We imagine the neighbors will shortly see hundreds of feet of barbed wire be delivered to house and a few muscled Scientologists standing at the foot of the drive.

So what is this place that's being torn up and re-built on Torreyson Drive? Only Zenu knows. Perhaps it will become some sort of Scientology retreat? Perhaps that's where TomKat will house all the minders, family members and staff?

Whatever the case, it is indeed far more plausible that Tommy Crooz would live in a mansion in the flats of Beverly Hills than in a place looking out of the San Fernando Valley.

We're sure there will be even more news and information coming out soon. We may be in a straight jacket by then, but we'll do our best to type with our toes.

Sources: LA Times

Even More Crooz News

Your Mama may be on vacation, but Crooz News waits for no one, even those with dinner reservations on the private Level II at Social Hollywood.

Anyhoo, we received lots of emails regarding our most recent post about the Crooz compound up on Torreyson Drive. But there were two that were intriguing enough that we wanted to bring the information to all the hungry children.

The first was from someone who claims that whomever owns 7860 Torreyson also owns or rents the house next door at 7847. One of the comments on the post said that Vincent Gallo lived at that address...then another comment said that was odd and unlikely since he or she had BEEN to Vincent's house and it wasn't on Torreyson.

To confuse matters even more, property records show 7847 Torreyson Drive as a vacant piece of land. But Google maps clearly shows a house on the property. The two properties, 7847 and 7860, are not owned by the same trusts which would indicate (but not confirm) they are not owned by the same person. Of course it's entirely possible that Crooz is renting that house and/or is trying to purchase the property to provide even more housing for the large Crooz clan and slew of Scientology minders that live up with TomKat and the Kitten.

A second email was even more interesting and intriguing. A tipster we'll call Cinderella sent us a very inneresting document that clearly shows that 7860 Torreyson Drive is owned by a trust who lists it's tax address as 7051 Hollywood Boulevard. Now for those of you who don't know, 7051 Hollywood Boulevard is owned by the Church of Scientology.

Did you hear the collective gasps from around the world.

So there you have it. With the help of Cinderella, Your Mama has confirmed for all the world that kooky and controlling Tom Crooz is indeed building a compound high in the hills of Hollywood at 7860 Torreyson Drive. And unlike is often reported about this compound, it is NOT in Beverly Hills, but the Hollywood Hills, zip code 90046 and not 90210.

Now children, you should trust us when we tell you that you would be fools to get up in your hoopdy cars and drive up there. First of all, there is nothing to be seen from the road and you can bet security is as tight as virgin.

No word on when the compound will be ready for occupancy but y'all can bet the world will stop spinning and the tabs and gossips will go into high gear when the moving trucks pull up the the current TomKat rental on N. Alpine Drive in Beverly Hills.

Your Mama is Going on Vacation!

Children, Your Mama has been typing our fingers to the nubbins and we are in desperate need of a vacation. So we've packed our bags and are headed for Palm Springs, where even the young people are old.

Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter will be camped out at a very fancy hotel feasting on whatever fattening morsels they serve by the pool.

Although we expect we'll post here and there, we won't be posting as frequently for the next week as we ordinarily do. But children, we hope you won't hold that against us and will come back next week when we'll be back at it with a vengeance.

Now wish Your Mama a bon voyage.

More Crooz News

BUYER: Tom Cruise?
LOCATION: 7860 Torryson Drive, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $9,850,098
SIZE: 2.4 acre, 4,965 square feet (main house per assessor)

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Okay children, we're a mite bit confused, but we're bringing you what we sussed out on some more of the Tom Crooz did-he-or-did-he-not buy a house bizness.

Earlier today Janet Charleton, one of our favorite LA based gossips, reported about the rumors that Tommy Crooz does not let poor Katie and Suri off the Alpine Drive compound unless she's got a Scientology "minder" along for the ride. Sounds about like what we expect to hear about this unusual couple.

But more interestingly to Your Mama, Miz Charlton mentioned that Crooz had purchased a house in Beverly Hills. And then we found a recent column by Fox columnist Roger Friedman in which he quite confidently reports that Crooz purchased a compound about 18 months ago on "Torreyson Road."

So you know what Your Mama did. That's right. We went searching the maps and property records and this is what we came up with. There is no Torreyson Road in Beverly Hills that we could locate. But there is a Torreyson Drive way up in the hills of Hollywood. A large parcel was indeed purchased in June of 2005 for just under $10,000,000 at the western end of the street. And, that property has undergone an extensive renovation over the last year or so. AND, the newly built guest house looks very much like a house that was pictured in a wee article in US Weekly a few weeks back.

Could it be? Is it possible that back in 2005 before Tommy courted Katie (and Scarlett and Jessica) that he was also making plans for a new marital hideaway to raise up his clan of budding Scientologists?

The house is located at the dead end of a quiet street, and if these reports have any truth to them we can only imagine the residents of Torreyson Drive are tense and edgy just thinking about the hordes of paps and looky-loos that are going to be camped on the street 24/7.

Incidentally, at the opposite end of this street sits the tremendous Mediterranean mansion owned by ex-boy bander Justin Timberlake that we heard some time ago was quietly on the market. Could it be that Justin got wind of the impending Crooz mess and decided to high tail it out of there?

Your Mama has reported several times that Crooz and clan have to move from the Alpine Drive rental compound sooner rather than later as the owner wants to sell the place. Why Crooz wouldn't just buy that place, we don't know.

Eventually all this will be confirmed and clear and we'll all breathe a deep sigh of relief when TomKat finally moves to their new house.

Ricky Martin Gets Bonded in New York City

BUYER: Enrique "Ricky" Martin
LOCATION: 40 Bond Street, New York City, NY
PRICE: around $7,000,000
SIZE: 2,637 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION:

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: According to Mister Braden Keil at the NY Post, the slim hipped and firm bottomed Puerto Rican singer Ricky Martin has gone to contract for a newly built, never lived in condominium in New York. This time Señor Cha Cha chose a downtown location at the new Ian Schraeger project 40 Bond.

Your Mama can not name a single song this well built gentleman sings, but we've seen many a photograph of his smooth and toned porno-bod cavorting on the beach in a teeny bikini with another good looking and scantily clad male pal, also with a porno-bod. Now we're not saying we know anything about Señor Martin's innermost desires, but we're just saying...if you want to keep the rumors stifled Ricky hunny, that is not the way to do it.

Anyhoo, Ricky Martin buys and sells real estate like all the other young, rich, and fickle celebrities. Last Spring our muchacho sold his Beverly Hills casa shortly after over seeing an extensive renovation. Apparently Señor Cha Cha felt he didn't spend enough time at the 9,202 square foot house to justify the excessive square footage and landscaping bills, so he sold it off for $15,000,150 according to property records. Located at 1309 Davies Drive, the 2.4 acre property is just a hop, skip, and a jump from the magnificent house Chili Pepper Anthony Keidis recently sold, and right next door to Rupert Murdoch's semi-circular Mediterranean manse.

We have no idea where Ricky resides in Puerto Rico, but Braden Keil tells us he still maintains residence there as well as another in Miami Beach, natch.

As for as Señor Cha Cha's New York City real estate doings...well, Braden tells us everything anyone could ever want to know. Last October, the 35-year old singer sold his apartment in the south tower of the Time Warner Center for $9,750,000. And he made bank having purchased the 65th floor unit only in 2004 for $6,832,000.

And now the chesty singer, who could surely poke an eye out with his nipples, has shelled out a reported $7,000,000-ish for a brand new condo at 40 Bond that was designed by the mighty Pritzker Prize winning architecture firm Herzog & de Meuron. That would be the same duo who recently took a lot of heat and flack for the stunning de Young Museum in San Francisco, among other extremely high profile and lauded gigs.

Your Mama kindly went and located the floor plan so all the children can feast on the glory of Señor Cha Cha's new New York digs. Located in NoHo (North of Houston, pronounced Howstun for the unfamiliar), the unit has 2,637 square feet with 11 foot ceilings, Varenna cabinets in the kitchen, more terlits than bedrooms, and the very same glacier white Corian counter tops that Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter have in the kitchen of our weekend house at the beach. Imagine that?

As Braden cautiously mentioned, the master bath has a "wet room." Now babies, Your Mama knows exactly what a wet room is, but we do not want to know what Señor Cha Cha has planned for his because we suspect it might involve another teeny bikini and...well, we'll just leave it at that.

New York always welcomes celebrities with open arms and open doors, even those with big toothy grins and bazillions of pre-teen girl fans. So Ricky hunny, you let Your Mama know when you get moved in. The Dr. Cooter and I would be happy to host you and a, uhm, guest for a quiet dinner at our place.

Sources: NY Post, Socialite Life, Arc Space

The Spielvogel's Clean Up In Southampton

SELLER: Carl Spielvogel and Barbaralee Diamonstein-Spielvogel
LOCATION: 27 Gin Lane, Southampton, NY
PRICE: Upon Request, but around $35,000,000
SIZE: 2.5 acres, 13,914 square feet, 7 bedrooms, 8.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: (shortened from the listing agent's website) This luxurious Gin Lane Georgian estate is sited on 2.5 acres with dramatic southwestern views across Lake Agawam and the ocean, just steps to ocean beaches. "Longview" sits majestically withing a hedged and gated property with elaborate boxwood gardens. There are 7 ensuite bedrooms, beautiful living room, dining room, garden room and library, each with fireplace and French doors...An extraordinary state-of-the-art indoor pool, spa, separate staff quarters and screening room...

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Don't worry children, we had to Google them too. But we know we'd heard and read their names many times, but for the life of us could not remember why we knew the tongue twister name of Barbaralee Diamonstein-Speilvogel. Turns our Babslee is a high class go-getter society lady in New York City with an impressive biography as long as our left arm. Suffice to say Miz Diamonstein-Spielvogel is a very accomplished and bizzy woman who in addition to writing lots of books, is involved in lots of charities, organizations, and other entities that perform good works.

As for huzband Carl, he was a bigwig in the advertising game until he sold off his successful company to a much larger advertising conglomerate for a large sum of money. Then he became friendly with lots of Democratic politicians and was granted an ambassadorship. To the Slovak Republic. We're sure it's an honor to be offered an ambassadorship, but that can't be one of the better ones, right?

According to property records, in May of 2006 the very rich and social couple sold their New York City digs for $11,700,000 at 720 Park Avenue, a super swank and dig-nee-fied building on what is arguabley the best stretch of Park. But the movers didn't have far to schlep the Spielvogel's priceless antiques and family heirlooms. According to records, the couple had also purchased a 7th floor co-op in the very same building for $20,000,000.

Apparently it's not so unusual for this couple to stay in their same 'hood when they move from one luxury property to another. In September of 1998 they purchased the house shown in the above photographs on tony Gin Lane in Southampton for an even $6,000,000. This was not long after they sold their previous Southampton estate, a ocean front compound at 376 Gin Lane, in May of 1998 for $11,700,000.

And here we are less than ten years later and the Spielvogels have their Southampton manse on the market for a rumored $35,000,000. Not a bad investment, right? All those richie-rich folks who bought in the Hamptons 10 years ago are cleaning up on their investments. CLEANING UP we tell you. Even after the Spielvogel's pay the fat commission to the real estate brokerage, they're going to walk with more than $20,000,000. Somebody pick Your Mama up off the floor now.

We got not beef with the Spielvogels. But if we were shopping for a $35,000,000 weekend house, you can bet we'd want it to include a tennis court. Not that you'd ever catch us dressed all in white flinging a racket around at a tiny ball. But the guests might like to use it.

If we're being honest, we find this big ol' shingled house to be just another generic and too big Hamptons house. Sure, the location is stellar, and the gated and fully hedged flag lot ensures extreme privacy for nekkid romps through the backyard. And no doubt the house was built with an attention to detail that only the houses of the very rich are afforded. But otherwise it's just like hundreds of other shingled and too big weekend houses in the Hamptons.

What we do like is the vast expanse of lawn and the barely there landscaping. Likely it costs more than the landscaper's yearly income to water and maintain all that lawn, and it sure isn't environmentally friendly, but lahwd it's gorgeous.

If our mind serves correct, and it very well may not, this house has been on the market for quite some time. Even in the sky high real estate market of the Hamptons, where houses routinely sell in the eight figures, $35,000,000 is a lot of money for a house that may only get used 10 or 12 weekends a year.

Best of luck to Spielvogels. We'll be coming the Gin Lane properties that come on the market in the next few month in order to help you find your next weekend estate.

UPDATE: Britney Spears

The not very secret concerts in far flung locales like San Diego and Anaheim aren't the only news that Britney Spears is making this week.

Today X17 reports that every one's favorite bewigged white trash multi-millionaire single mother is once again looking at real estate in Malee-boo. Good grief, here we go again. We just don't know if we can stomach another round of Britney's fickle relationship to the real estate.

The house X17 reports Brit Brit looked at with her cuzzin Alli this last weekend is the very same house we discussed some time back that is currently owned by Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman Jane Seymour.

If y'all recall, the 7 bedroom, 6 bathroom house sits on six acres with lovely views of the Pacific and had long been owned by troubled actor Stacy Keach, who happens to be Seymour's brother in law. The Winding Way estate had fallen into a state of severe shabby, so Seymour and huzband James Keach stepped in, purchased the house, put A LOT of money into renovating the place, and popped it up on the market for $12,995,000.

Recently he house appeared to have found a buyer and disappeared from the MLS. But Last week it popped back up at the same list price. Rather than purchase the house, X17 reports that their sources tell them Brit Brit is looking to possibly lease the place at a whopping $40,000 per month.

Does this mean Spears sold the Bev Hills house? Does this mean a buyer has been found for the Serra Retreat house in Malee-boo? Or does this just mean she's unwisely upping her mammoth monthly nut by renting (or buying) another very expensive piece of real estate? Your Mama hopes it's a lease because between her bad real estate juju and the swimming pool in the front yard, she might have trouble unloading this place when she gets tahred of it...and we all know she will.

Heaven help us all as we are once again swept up into Brit Brit's chaotic world of merry go round houses.

Sources: X17

Danny Masterson in Beachwood Canyon

SELLER: Danny Masterson
LOCATION: Holly Mont Drive, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $1,595,000
SIZE: 4 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Live above it all in a beautiful and unique Spanish with amazing views. An oasis located within minutes of shops, restaurants and entertainment. Excellent vintage craftsmanship. This home has so much character, from its dramatic front door, to its custom paint and marble and gold leaf fireplace. Master-suite with retractable projection screen and surround sound, large kitchen and dining room, multi-terraced yard with private pool and hot tub. Perfect for entertaining. 2-car garage.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Let's see, what does Your Mama know about Danny Masterson? We know that for eight seasons and 194 episodes, he brought his white man afro and dry sense of humor to the now defunct That '70s Show, which produced a handful of big name television actors including Aston Kutcher and lady-killer Wilmer Valderama with whom Masterson has invested in a couple of restaurants including the Italian eatery Dolce on Melrose Avenue in Los Angeles and Geisha House on Hollywood Boulevard.

Along with another of his '70s Show costars, this time flame haired Laura Prepon, Masterson has also invested in an industry magazine about playing poker. Your Mama is bored to tears by poker, or any other form or gambling for that matter, but we understand that for years Masterson and his peeps have had a regular poker night.

If you live in or around L.A. and spend your time club hopping where the celebrities go to get away from the common folk, you prolly know that Masterson is a budding DJ who goes by the brilliant and slightly disturbing moniker DJ Mom Jeans.

We also know that our young Mister Masterson is a proud and vocal life-long Scientologist, having been raised up in the "religion." We could take some pot shots about Zenu, getting "clear" and/or that freaky king of Scientology Tommy Crooz, but the truth is we like this Danny Masterson, so we're not going to touch that shit.

Property records are a wee bit confusing on this one, but as best as we can tell, Mister Masterson purchased this home in July of 1998 for just $560,000. This would have been right about the time Masterson landed his lucrative and long running role on That '70s Show.

Your Mama is not sure we're appreciative of all the decorating choices Mister Masterson has made in his Beachwood Canyon house, but we are just so relieved and pleased to see a house that actually feels like it reflects the owner's personality and interests. We love a beautifully decorated house all done up by a nice gay decorator, but even more, we like to see a house with a quirky and idiosyncratic personality.

This house is not trying to impress anyone, and for what it's worth, this is exactly how Your Mama recommends young Hollywood live. Unlike some other young and rich celebs, say The Spitter Avril Lavigne, Mister Masterson lives with an admirable modesty. Because let's be honest, what does a famous person in their 20's need with 10 bedrooms and 12 bathrooms? Please.

In addition to Masterson's many and varied interests and projects, it appears that he frequently invests in Los Angeles real estate. Property records indicate the level-headed actor has bought at least six apartments and small apartment buildings in the last several years, sometimes on his own, sometimes with his brother Chris, and sometimes with a fellow Scientologist named Ben Shulman. In July of 2003 Masterson purchased an apartment on Revere Avenue in Los Angeles and sold it on to costar Laura Prepon for a $165,000 profit after owning the place less than one year. It seems that along with a talent for acting, our Mister Masterson has an impressive knack for making savvy real estate investments.

Being somewhat familiar with the once electric and increasingly slow Los Angeles real estate market, Your Mama expects this house will sell quickly and at a good price. Bully for Mister Masterson who will walk away from this house with more than 1,000,000 smackers. Don't know where Masterson is planning to live now, but we sincerely hope he's keeping it real and not out shopping for a 12,000 square foot palace in Beverly Hills.

Sources: Truth about Scientololgy, Internet Movie Data Base, Superior Pics

A Little Horn Tooting...

Your Mama is not one to shout from the mountaintops but this was totally unexpected and fun. Thanks to the Life and Style folks at the Times UK (Online).

Brandon Davis' Daddy's Crib in the Birds

SELLER: Nebil Zarif
LOCATION: Nightingale Drive, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: Upon Request
SIZE: 6,000 square feet (main house), 2,000 square feet (guest house) 7 bedrooms, 7.5 bathrooms (total)
DESCRIPTION: This is the most beautiful "bird street" estate on the market. While this house sits on a bluff a top the Doheny Estates, it is full of character, style and grace. The estate boasts the greatest sweeping city and ocean views in the country. It is the dream home of any entertainer, as it flaunts everything sexy about this city. It was completely redone and finished with incredibly elaborate finishes, with sound and technology complete throughout. There are 5 bedrooms and 6 and one-half bathrooms in the 6,000 plus square foot main house, and 2,000 square feet in the permitted guest apartment which is elegantly appointed with 2 bedrooms, one full bathroom, and full kitchen.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Yesterday Your Mama discussed "Lionsgate," the palatial and long time home of Brandon Davis' mommy Nancy. Today we have this lovely bird street house which is the home of Brandon Davis' daddy, wine importer and grape grower Nebil Zarif, who goes by the name "Bilo." Honestly, Your Mama doesn't know squat about Mister Bilo, but we too often read about his unfortunate and unbelievably ill-mannered offspring.

According to many reports, including on the very funny Socialite Life blog, not so long ago Brandon Davis attended Paris Hilton's birthday party in Los Angeles. At some point during the party, sweaty scion Brandon Davis picked the newly thin and taut Courtney Love up off the ground and told her, in front of her daughter Frances Bean mind you, that he wanted to "squirt" on her. That's right. Gasps and mortification all around.

But that's not even the worst of it. Before he subjected Miz Love to his embarrassing and adolescent mating calls, he spent a few minutes taunting "singer/dancer" and American Idol judge Miz Paula Abdul. According to multiple reports, the jobless moron tossed flowers at her, tried to cajole her into a sex act that isn't even legal in some states, and mocked her heritage by speaking in gibberish with a Middle Eastern accent.

Now babies, we too think Miz Paula Abdul is a bit of a case, and we're not entirely sure why Paris would make the unusual choice to have Miz Paula Abdul sing at her birthday party. AND we know you can't believe everything you read in the tabs and blogs, but Your Mama is so believing this story. And this is why...it gets EVEN WORSE.

That's right children, as you may have gathered from the young and restless heirs father's name, bloated Brandon Davis is himself Turkish-American. More gasps all around. This hypocritical, self-loathing fool is making fun of Miz Paula Abdul's ancestry when he himself is Middle Eastern by descent? Are you fucking kidding me?

How did this oaf get the surname Davis you might ask? Apparently Big Daddy Marvin Davis was not happy about his beloved daughter Nancy hooking up, marrying, and procreating with Mister Zarif. So, reports say, the tall and wide billionaire gave Mister Zarif money to back off, and baby Brandon was given the maternal family name so as to disguise and smoke screen the truth about his lineage. Rich people can be so clever and delusional.

And why is it that we pay any attention to this boob? Why is it we care enough to spend all morning writing about this dumdum? Trust us when we tell you our therapist will be getting an earful of that shit today.

As usual, we digress. What we're really here to discuss of course is the real estate. It's unclear to Your Mama if this house is currently for sale or if it has been taken off the market, and property records that we accessed do not indicate a recent sale. What we do know is that the house was recently on the market for an undisclosed asking price and was being marketed through a relative of the Davis/Zarif clan.

Located just up the street from the sleek and sexy house Byron Allen has been trying to flip, the property occupies two parcels with spectacular views of Los Angeles. The long, low house has been done up in a pleasing sort of Casbah meets Mediterranean meets Los Angeles style. We've got a tile roof and velvet covered furniture. We've got dark wood floors, stainless steel kitchen appliances and a Turkish looking credenza in the dining room. We've got flowing white curtains around the bed, an outdoor fireplace with an Arabic arch, and a swimming pool set up that is quintessentially L.A. with staggering views and a modified kidney shape.

Whatever we might think of Brandon Davis and his messy, entitled ways, we L.O.V.E. his daddy's house in the birds. We'd make a few changes in the furniture, pull down that pot rack, replace the dining room chandelier, and toss a few more succulents around the pool deck, but otherwise, we think this house would be loved and adored by just about anyone who finds L.A. living attractive.

Your Mama recommends to whomever buys this house that they change all the locks and upgrade the security so that they're safe and secure when and if young Brandon Zarif comes a-knocking after a long night boozing it up at whichever club was desperate enough to let him past the velvet rope.

Sources: NY Daily News, Socialite Life, US Weekly, The Blemish, Hollywood Backwash, HGTV