Spears and Federline Chop Price Of Malee-boo Manse

SELLER: Britney Spears and Kevin Federline
LOCATION: 3200 Retreat Court, Malibu
PRICE: $11,999,999 (reduced from $13,500,000)
SIZE: 9,130 square feet, 7 bedrooms, 8.5 bathrooms

Over the last few months Your Mama has typed our fingers to the nubs writing about this poor gurl and her real estate shenanigans. And here we go again.

Now that Brit Brit is out of rehab and the dee-vorce deets have been mostly finalized, this chaotic couple have gotten serious about selling off their marital house of horrors up in Malee-boo's Serra Retreat.

Reports say Federline is due half the proceeds from the sale of this house, so you know the white rapper called up listing agent Kimberley Pfeiffer at Coldwell Banker and told her to "sell the damn house lickety split 'cause yo yo yo needs a new pair of sneakers and a trip to Vegas." No babies, the white rapper didn't actually say that, but we like to think he said something along those lines.

One of our Malee-boo real estate snitches told us he thinks the property is a very difficult sell because of all the taint surrounding it. Looks like he might be right from the humongous price chop late this week. The couple first priced their former love shack at $13,500,00 and have now slashed the priced by $1,500,000 and one dollar to $11,999,999.

Still no photos of the interior of the house, which Your Mama is told has a country-fied shabby chic sort of thing going on. We have also heard that Brit Brit has her wedding dress mounted and standing up in the corner of her bedroom, which we find strange and upsetting.

As we mentioned in our post earlier today, it appears that Brit Brit has taken the Bev Hills house that she purchased in December of 2006 off the market. We don't imagine the peripatetic, addled and bald Brit Brit intends to keep the house up in The Summit, but she does need someplace to stash the children until she buys something else. Clearly she's happy to shack up in a hotel, on some stranger's floor in Burbank, or in the back seat of her Mercedes. But the children and their army of nannies need a place to chill, change diapers, and potty train.

We keep hearing rumors about her moving back to Louisiana or even back to New York. But somehow we find that unlikely. If Your Mama was placing bets, we'd say odds are she's staying in LA or moving to some other club heavy location like Miami or Las Vegas.

Seriously Your Mama hopes the princess of Promises learned something during her time up in the hills of Malee-boo drying out. We could care less if she makes another record, we're not a fan. But we don't want to see the gurl go down like this and sincerely hope she gets her act together for herself and those innocent babies.

We also would like some peace in our lives and wish she would just buy a damn house and settle down for a few years.

Source: Coldwell Banker (pictures)

The Atelier Courts Celebrity Tenants

BUILDING: The Atelier
LOCATION: 635 West 42nd Street, New York City

The other day we repeated the krazy rumors about krazy Lindsay Lohan shopping around for a Manhattan pied a terre. It was reported The Lohan might be purchasing a wee pad at The Atelier on West 42nd Street. Then Braden Keil, celebrity real estate columnist extraordinaire at the NY Post alerted Page Six to the real deal. Apparently the "ack-tress" has been offered usage of a condominium furnished with semi-groovy mid-century modern furniture as away of boosting the profile of the monstrous 478-unit Costas Kondylis building.

The building developers have used other celebs such as the gor-gee-us and once bankrupt model Maggie Rizer and tennis star James Blake in previous advertising campaigns as a way of appealing to Manhattan upwardly mobile who have a wicked desire to live amongst the truly rich and famous. Dang, they don't have to move to that building they can move to Your Mama's building were we got folks like Debbie Harry and Katherine Helmond.

Your Mama would bet our bitches Linda and Beverly that The Lohan spends less than one night at the The Atelier, and is more likely to lend it out to pals for late night trysts.

Apparently, the building is also courting Orlando Bloom.

Good grief. Your Mama has a hard time getting excited about all this. Somebody let us know when one of these celebrity people plunk down some of their own money for a place to crash in the Big Apple.

Source: B. Jones, NY Post, Just Jared

UPDATE: ex-Beach Boy Brian Wilson

SELLER: Brian Wilson
LOCATION: Clerendon Road, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $8,495,000
SIZE: 9,353 square feet, 6 bedrooms, 7.5 bathrooms

Children, we first posted about the sale of Brian Wilson's mansion located up in Mulholland Estates a couple of weeks ago, and you can read that post here. As many of our regular readers surely recall, there were no interior photos available when we first posted about this property. Yesterday we secured a few and want to share them with y'all.

Now babies, we don't want to add any fuel to Mister Wilson's fire or in any way cause him any kind of unnecessary mental anguish, but we are absolutely mortified by the interior of this house. Based on the exterior, we really did think we were going to find something nice.

Seriously hunnies, we are so overwhelmed by the extraordinary banality and strange sheen of countrified opulence that Your Mama is speechless. No doubt every piece of furniture in that place cost as much as a small Mazda, but Your Mama's aesthetic is so far from what we see here we can't imagine anyone paying good money for something as crazy as that coffee table in the master bedroom. And even though we know we're looking at a photograph, Your Mama keeps expecting Gloria Swanson to come dripping down that staircase looking for her close-up.

Because we don't want to be seen as a hater who gets off talking nasty about a music icon, Your Mama feels it's important we say something nice about this house. So here we go...Your Mama loves that simple, rectangular swimming pool and we appreciate the fantastic view. Although we would not want to ruin the experience by stepping inside the house, Your Mama can imagine spending an pleasant afternoon paddling in the pool and having the house boy serve us a nicoise salad poolside as we soak up some sunshine.

An interesting thing about this Mulholland Estates area that we've never discussed is that the uber-luxe and gated development technically sits in Sherman Oaks and not in Beverly Hills. Apparently the developers lobbied hard and pulled some strings to get this development incorporated into the Bev Hills Post Office, or at least for the privilege of marketing the community as being located in Bev Hills. None the less, many of the property records for houses up in this neck of the woods, still show a Sherman Oaks location. This proves that in real estate location is everything.

Holly Robinson Peete Sitting Pretty in The Summit

SELLER: Holly Robinson Peete and Rodney Peete
LOCATION: Crest Place, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $5,995,000
SIZE: 7,234 square feet, 7 bedrooms, 5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Sensational contemporary in The Summit. Gated up a driveway, huge motor cour, stone entry, LRW/ 18' ceilings, FR doors to yard/pool. New media room w/ built in wet bar, Frm DR, Huge kitchen w FR area, Master w/ FP, Lrg master bath w/ 2 lrg walk-in closets, 4 add'l bdrms w/ upstairs playroom/md's, 3-car garage. This is a loving family home in every way!

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Children, you may have first read about this property a few weeks ago over at the sensational Big Time Listings site where, as usual, Mr. Big Time did an excellent job of telling you all about the real estate dealings of football player Rodney and ack-tress Holly. But Your Mama wanted to bring you a wee bit more information and a few photographs because when the house first came up for sale and Mr. Big Time posted about the property, the listing agent, venerable Valerie Fitzgerald at Coldwell Banker, did not put up any photographs for the looky-loos like us.

As all the children probably know, this house is located up in The Summit, one of the exclusive guard gated Bev Hills communities. That's right babies, this is the very same community Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale recently purchased a home for $13,250,000 and also where that troubled and bald gurl Britney Spears has house on the market for $7,495,000, furnished.

Or had a house on the market. The listing has been pulled from the the mls and the listing agent's website, so either the house has quietly been sold or it's been quietly taken off the market while Brit Brit gets her act together. The post-Promises pop tart still has her Malee-boo marital house of horrors on the market and in accordance with their dee-vorce settlement, the white rapper will get half the profits from the sale of that house. Lawhd children, we are dying to get you some photos of this house. We have heard Brit Brit has her wedding dress mounted and standing up in the corner of the bedroom. Hunnies, that creeps Your Mama out like a basket of snakes. Imagine trying to get your game on with a headless bride standing in the corner. Please. No.

Anyhoo, back to the Peete people. The records Your Mama pulled show the couple purchased this house in 1993 for $1,310,000, which means they stand to make close to $5,000,000 smackers on this investment. The house, located just inside the gates of The Summit and hanging over noisy Mulholland Drive, includes a nice long and hedged driveway.

The exterior of the house looks brutal and on par with Ed McMahon's formerly moldy mansion, which is directly across the road. However, in our humble opinion, Your Mama thinks the Peetes have done a much better job on the interiors than the McMahons. We particularly appreciate the huge living room with it's high ceilings and pale celery walls which are complimented by a couple of burnt orange chairs. The art niches are a nice touch and great spot to display a huge collection of Hummel statuettes and figurines. The ladders seem unnecessary and, at least in the photographs, make it look like the painters are taking a smoke break.

Your Mama is going to take issue with that grand piano. Sure, it's lovely, impressive, and expensive. But does anyone tickle those ivories? If not, it's just a useless piece of furniture meant to impress guests. If the lil' Peetes take lessons on the thing, we'll, we eat our words.

We have no major beef with the kitchen. Besides the strange and swooping soffits, it's a pretty standard issue luxury kitchen. Nice, but nothing to write about.

The pool and spa area looks lovely, but we are not fond of potted geraniums. Sure, they're hardy enough to withstand a nuclear holocaust, but they also have a stink on them we can't stand. What concerns Your Mama most about this pool area is the dust and pollution that surely floats up from Mulholland Drive which sits just beyond and below the wall.

No word on where the Peetes are headed once this house sells, but if we hear, we'll be sure to let you know and of course, if you hear, be sure to tell Your Mama.

Sources: Big Time Listings, Coldwell Banker

Ellen and Portia Are Flipping Out in Montecito

Seller: Ellen Degeneres and Portia Di Rossi
LOCATION: Ashley Road, Montecito, CA
PRICE: $24,000,000
SIZE: 4+ acres, 4 bedrooms, 4 full and 2 half bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Hi babies. We received a call this morning from Mugsy Fairweather, one of Your Mama's favorite snitches, to tip us off to this sale. Turns out lesbian power couple Ellen Degeneres and Portia Di Rossi have put their swanky Montecito weekend house back on the market after purchasing the house less than one year ago for a reported price of $15,750,000. Like all celebrities with a lot of money and a knack for real estate, the couple stands to make millions on flipping this property which is just a hop, skip and a jump from Oprah's $50,000,000 extravaganza.

When Your Mama first started this little blog we briefly discussed this house and here we are just a short time later discussing the sale.

Ellen is one of the most prolific celebrity buyers and sellers of high end property. Your Mama can barely keep track of all the houses she owns, what she's buying, selling and in which place(s) she and blondie are living.

As busy as talented Ellen is with her bland but enormously popular television talk show, moonlighting as the emcee of the Academy Awards, and the myriad other projects in which she's involved, it's a miracle this lady has the time and energy to buy, renovate, and sell properties at such a dizzying pace. Perhaps this is what blondie is doing now that her wickedly funny sitcom Arrested Development was unfairly jettisoned. We love all the real estate hoopla these two create, but we'd rather see this gal back on the boob tube acting her teeny fanny off.

Because life is funny and we love wacky six degree of separation situations, Your Mama would like the children to know that we once sold Miss Portia Di Rossi an expensive shell chandelier back before she and Ellen were Sapphically coupled.

Who knows where Ellen will be buying and selling next now that she's sold off her Santa Barbara house as well as her Santa Ynez ranch which she had on the market late last year for $11,900,000.

As far as Your Mama knows the real estate obsessed couple are still residing in their Hollywood Hills compound, but we suppose we ought to be watching those places to see if the ladies are liquidating all their holdings.

And for the record...bravo to the ladies if they can get anywhere near their asking price. We have no doubt they'll use the profits to buy another spectacular estate they'll own for a few months before selling on.

Daniele Gaither's Mad House of Faux Finishes

SELLER: Daniele Gaither
LOCATION: Oak Glen Drive, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $1,099,000
SIZE: 2,138 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Romance and History define this 1926 Tudor originally built for silent film star Harry Langdon. Custom details abound with hardwood floors, tiled fireplace, curved arches, and high ceilings. Formal Living Room, Dining Room, and Den with 3 Bedrooms up and 2.5 Baths. Great indoor/outdoor flow, with Swimmers Spa, backyard and huge terraced decks. Kitchen has been remodeled. Very livable now, but could benefit greatly from some needed attention. Sold as is.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: In case the children don't know, Daniele Gaither is one of the very funny ladies that used to appear on the Mad TV, the only sketch comedy show Your Mama will ever watch (sorry SNL, we think some of you people are enormously funny as individuals, but unfortunately the program is just not that funny most of the time).

Now, Your Mama is quite sure these hard working funny people at Mad TV don't make nearly as much money as they should, so we would like to applaud Miz Gaither for taking some of her hard earned cash and making an effort at a sound real estate investment. However, property records would indicate Funny Lady is not going to be walking away with much more than she's put in. Miz Gaither purchased this house in July of 2005 for an undisclosed purchase price, but she did take a mortgage that would indicate she paid just under $1,000,000 for the house. So really, unfortunately, it would appear Miz Gaither is going to be lucky to break even on this property.

The first thing we would like to note is the relative absence of furniture and accessories in this house. Your Mama is not sure if this is because Miz Gaither didn't bother to furnish this house or if it's because she has already begun to move to a new residence. We hope it's the latter, because honestly, the house is a little depressing in it's lack of personal effects and decor.

Okay children, let's begin with the downstairs which Your Mama thinks has a decently resolved layout. The high ceilings and quasi baronial fireplace in the living room give the house a pleasantly modest grandeur and we absolutely appreciate the the French doors to the backyard. But all the children must know we have very serious issues with that faux painting treatment. If someone wants to throw up some Venetian plaster or glaze the walls, we can support that. But hunnies, Your Mama recommends that you just say "NO" to those horrible sponge painting treatments that low end decorators foisted upon the masses in the early 1990s.

The well sized dining room also suffers from a dreadful and perplexing faux finish situation. This finish manages to be even more upsetting than the holy mess we saw in the living room. The spotted, mottled brown color looks like the inside of someone in-test-ines before they've had a proper high colonic. We know that's nasty Miz Gaither, and all due respect, but that paint finish has us reaching for the vomit bag.

On to the kitchen. We like the Viking range and the slate flooring. We appreciate the large pantry area and the access to the backyard which makes grilling easier. But here again we have yet another disturbing faux finish paint treatment on the back wall. Lawhd hunny, who told you all that faux finishing was a good idea? Please let us know because Your Mama would like to meet that person in a dark alley and give them a serious beat down.

Upstairs in the girlee pink master bedroom at the front of the house we are thankfully spared a faux finish treatment. The room has a lovely amount of closet space but the bathroom is so small it's for skinny bitches only. We might consider busting through that walk in closet to make a bathroom wide enough for our thick thighs and Volkswagan Passat sized backside.

The bedroom at the back of the house, which Gaither appears to use as an office, has a great wall of French doors to a back deck and the upper level of the backyard. We are even liking the dark walls. But the ceiling fan looks like the cheapest one available at the Home Despot and really should be replaced with something more dignified.

The terraced backyard, with it's easy maintenance slate patio and rejuvenating swim spa makes this backyard appealing. Very little maintenance will be required here by one of the team of Mexican gardeners everyone in Los Angles hires to maintain their yards...just a little sweeping of the slate and watering of the potted plants.

Clearly Miz Gaither has a penchant for animal skin rugs. We're not sure why or what that says about her psychologically, but we are positive a psychiatrist would want to discuss these rugs with Miz Gaither for months.

There does not appear to be a driveway with this property, and overall, that could be the biggest problem we have. The wretched paint job can be fixed and the kitchen and baths can be replaced. But without off-street parking for our small fleet of BMWs, Your Mama simply could not consider purchasing this house.

We sincerely hope Miz Gaither is able to sell this house at a profit and we sincerely hope that she uses some of that profit to hire a nice gay decorator to come up in her new house to steer her away from any more rag treated, faux finished walls.

Everybody Loves Phil Rosenthal

SELLER: Phil and Monica Rosenthal
LOCATION: Hudson Place, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $5,950,000
SIZE: 8,533 square feet, 6 bedrooms, 8 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: 1936 Mediterranean Villa in Hancock Park. Dramatic center hall w/wood inlay floors. State of the art screening system in step down living room with fireplace. Formal dining room. Office with multiple built-ins and marble fireplace. Family room contains a wet bar and several large-scale built-ins. Basement wine cellar. Kitchen features a 6 range Viking stove, Subzero fridge, breakfast area and counter top bar. Master suite includes full sized dressing room and 2 marble baths. Multiple bonus rooms.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: The other day Your Mama got a call from our old drinking buddy Veronica Lake. Lawhd children, the stories we could tell about the time Your Mama got way-layed in an Okahoma City drinking establishment with that gurl. Suffice to say law enforcement and a pair of slingbacks were involved. Anyhoo, Veronica tells me some bigwig television producer is selling his house in Hancock Park. Veronica claims she's been up in this house, but, you know, Veronica sometimes lies when she's drunk. So we went and checked it out ourselves. Sure enough, a man name Phil Rosenthal is selling his Hancock Park mansion.

If y'all will stop yer hollering and settle down, Your Mama will tell you who Phil Rosenthal is. This man has made a mountain of money as the one of the creators, writers and producers of the wildly successful sitcom Everybody Loves Raymond. Previous to that show, he had a long run producing that deeply disturbing sitcom Coach. Remember that one with the old drunk guy? Sorry Mister Rosenthal, but your Coach show gave us the heebie-jeebies.

However, many moons ago the reruns of this Raymond show was one of Your Mama's television guilty pleasures. The show was funny. It was children. And the cast was superb. Then we started reading about this Patricia Heaton and her crazy conservative notions and we admit we started turning the channel. The lady is entitled to her opinions. And Your Mama is free to change the channel so we can be spared the disjointed confusion and internal upset of being made to laugh out loud by a very funny right winger.

So we were relieved to discover, through our completely legal snooping, that Mister Rosenthal donated $2,000 to the John Kerry campaign in 2004 and the Raymond show was not the hive of conservatism we feared.

Moving on to the real estate...Located in an exclusive section of Hancock Park, the house is adjacent the Wilshire Country Club. Fortunately it does not border the golf course. Your Mama is not sure why anyone would want to live in a house backed up to a golf course where a bunch of rich white men in tacky clothes can watch you sun yourself nekkid in the backyard. Please, no. Your Mama prefers more privacy when Juanita comes over to give us a poolside mani-pedi and Rocco comes by to give us one of his shiatsu miracle rubs in the cabana.

Now children, go ahead and click on the photos above so that you can see them larger and then check out the media room. What's shown up on the screen? Yes babies, that's the rude, crude, and hi-larious Borat wearing some sort of over the shoulder slingshot bikini bathing suit. Your Mama is not sure if it's the homeowner or the Sotheby's listing agent that engineered that, but whomever did it, we would like to thank you and congratulate you for that bit of humorous subversiveness.

One thing that does concern Your Mama is the lack of electronic gates on this property. No doubt the house is equipped with a state of the art security system sophisticated enough to shove a shiv up in an intruder all by itself, but we always feel safer behind electronic gates and/or an army of doormen. And for this amount of money, we wouldn't go without that feature.

Clearly this couple has had a team of nice gay decorators into the house to create an ambiance of warm and glowing sophistication that retains the relaxed comfort of a home meant to be lived in. Ack. The place looks great. The decor is not our taste. It's all a little tra-dish-a-nawl for us, but we really can't argue with what we're seeing. Except for that table in the corner of the bedroom. Your Mama loathes occasional tables in general and specifically we loathe occasional tables draped in floor length table cloths that look like sheets. It just looks to us like someone ran out of money or patience and decided that corner was not important enough for an actual piece of furniture.

We do however appreciate the French doors opening to the elegant Juliet balcony and we think the exterior articulation is really quite lovely. Grand, yet understated. The exterior of this house has nothing to prove and we appreciate that quality.

Now, Your Mama has a very bizzy day ahead. We have lots more properties for you, but we may not be back until tomorrow. So sit tight babies and be sure to come back and see Your Mama soon.

Is The Lohan Moving to Manhattan?

Oh children, Your Mama does not know if we have the energy and nerve strength to handle the swirling rumors about The Lohan plunking down a chunk of change on a Manhattan pied a terre.

The behemoth, and often accurate gossip website TMZ is reporting that beleagured party princess and one-time ack-tress has purchased an apartment with a mid-century modern design (see photo above).

Well, after a little investigation, Your Mama has to say we're a wee bit skeptical. We immediately rang up our pal Coco Chanel in Los Angeles who often knows what's going down with The Lohan. Coco says she doesn't know whether it's true or not true, but to be trés careful not to believe everything you read about this femme.

Secondly, we've identified the building in the photos and children, Your Mama is quite certain this is The Atelier, one of those humongous and unfortunate Costas Kondylis tragedies on 42nd Street. Do we really think The Security Conscious Lohan is moving into a well appointed, but ugly ass building at the far west end of 42nd Street with nearly 500 small one and two bedroom apartments? On 42nd Street? Seriously?

And third, this bitch cain't stand her father who has just been released from prison. We find it dificult to believe she's going to put herself in his line of born again Christian fire.

Could be true. But Your Mama will not be holding our breath until someone comes up with some cold hard evidence. Remember all that TomKat silliness about them buying in the Dakota? Turns out they bought a place in Los Angeles, not New York. Ack!

Your Mama is headed out immediately to stock up on big bottles of Milk of Magnesia to keep our stomach calm through what promises to be a storm of rumor and guessing. Bye now.

Source: TMZ, Pacific Coast News (photo)

K.W.I.D. / Kelly Wearstler Interior Design

SELLER: Kelly Wearstler
LOCATION: 317 N. Kings Road, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $1,595,000
SIZE: 1,676 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Rare opportunity to purchase internationally renowned and published designer's personal retreat. Charming front yard gated and hedged for total privacy. No expense spared with the finest surfaces and finishes throughout. Creative use of space with endless possibilities. Professionals home office perfect for live/work.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Children, the folks over at Curbed LA and the funny man at The Gilded Moose talked about this house last week, but Your Mama can not resist working this one through our own grist mill. This property has been for sale for a very long time, and despite the big reputation and hawtness of Kelly Wearstler, no one seems to want to buy the poor thing.

Most of you will probably know her name from being on judge on the Bravo TV show Top Design. Not only is this a great show because of all the bitchy shenanigans that go down between the lackluster contestants, the primary reason Your Mama tunes in to this program is to see what sort of crazy get up and hair-don't Miz Kelly Wearstler will be sporting from week to week.

Did the children note a couple weeks ago when she had all the crimped hair sticking up all over like she'd fried herself in an eck-lectric socket? What about that outfit with the mauve evening gown on top of a t-shirt and grey jeans. What made her do that? We applaud her exuberance for fashion and her creative combinations, but she might want to step back and look in the mirror before she gets in front of the camera. And who in the wold is doing that hair? Is that the work of Jonathan Antin?

The first thing we would like the children to know about this house is that it is no longer the home of Miz Wearstler. It's her office and headquarters of the "internationally renowned" K.W.I.D. (Kelly Wearstler Interior Design). At one time Missy probably did live here since she purchased the place back when she was a single gal in 1999. Ladies and gay gents, she paid $369,000 for this house. Which means if she gets near her asking price, she's going to pocket a million clams. That should tell you something about the real estate market in Los Angeles in the last four or five years.

For the record, Miz Wearstler and her extensive wardrobe now live up in Bev Hills on N. Hillcrest in a much more impressive 7,028 square foot house. This would be just a few doors down from Jennifer Anniston's new place. She lives in the gated and dee-luxe modern monster with her huzband Brad Korzen, the very successful CEO of the Kor Group, a real estate and resort development operation. Miz Wearstler has made a lot of money working for her man having done the design work for the Viceroy Hotels (Santa Monica and Palm Springs), Maison 140 and Avalon, both in Bev Hills, just to name a few. Your Mama is never one to shout down a little nepotism or keeping it in the family, so good for these two being able to work and make oodles of money together.

Anyhoo, back to the K.W.I.D offices just north of Melrose. Let's begin with the hedge. We like it. But then again Your Mama likes a tended garden, if you know what we're saying. We also appreciate the extreme privacy the hedge affords. We may not be famous, but we do not want or need the neighbors poking their heads over the front fence asking me and the Dr. Cooter to borrow some sugar or take in their mail while they go on some cockamamie vacation we do not want to hear about when they return. Better to just block those neighbor bitches out.

The front landscaping we appreciate for its easy maintenance. The stepping stones...at first we did not like them, but upon further consideration, we find them whimsical and unexpected. So we'd leave 'em.

Your Mama is guessing, but we think that red room is Miz Wearstler's inner sanctum. We're sorry gurl, but this room is ugly. You're a talented designer and Your Mama appreciates your eclectic and glammy style, but this room is a mess. We are also not fond of the pickled paneling in the stair hall.

We're in agreement with our pal at The Gilded Moose in regards to the kitchen. It's refreshing to see a kitchen that has not been over-worked and over-done like Miz Wearstler's hair. We do note the luxe Carrara marble counters and think they serve as a nice balance to the vintage drainboard. Although it's really rather cliche anymore, we also appreciate that Miz Wearstler has removed the overhead cabinet doors. Opening and closing those things is just a waste of time and energy. Who needs a work out getting a pretty green glass out of the cabinet for our mid-morning Bloody Mary?

And what's with all the orchids? Why do design and decor people always think having orchids around is so cool? It's not. It's an old played out idea that Your Mama would like to see go away. Someone please put a cactus or a damn creeping charlie up in the house.

Here's what Your Mama has to say about the bathroom: You can dress it up with shiny mirrors, funky wallpaper, and a chandelier, but it's still the room where Miz Wearstler lifts her dress up and takes a crap.

We're sure that Miz Wearstler is busting out the seams of this house now that she is a world famous decorator. So somebody, please buy this place so the gurl can move into a space more befitting of her international status.

Sources: The Gilded Moose, Curbed LA

Jonathan Antin's Bird Street Blow Out

SELLER: Jonathan Antin
LOCATION 1551 Oriole Lane, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $1,699,000
SIZE: 1,423 square feet, 2 bedrooms, 2.75 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Mid-century jewel on one of the premier bird streets. 3 bedrooms, 2.75 bathrooms, nice master with city views. Sexy pool w/ cabana and wood decks. Oakwood floors throughout the house, very private with security entrance. Move in condition with great potential. Carport optional.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: You know this one is going to go over big with all the gurls at the beauty parlor. Foneesha, the gal who works the hair washing station at Your Mama's salon, would kill her baby-daddy, sell her six children, and drive her Pontiac di-rect to Hollywood if hair honcho and reality television star Jonathan Antin would so much as give her one sexy look.

Most ladies and homosexual gentlemen will remember sizzling sexy Mister Antin and his big ego working the Warren Beatty from Shampoo thang on his reality show Blow Out on the Bravo TV. And our older, house-bound readers in their holiday themed sweaters will recognize him from hawking his somewhat pricey wares on the QVC. Or maybe you've seen his MySpace page/personal advertisement?

As a wee man growing up in L.A., Mister Antin dreamed of cutting hair. So he dropped out of Beverly Hills High School and had his mama enroll him at the Fairfax Beauty Academy. It was not long before he was hair styling for fashion shows, celebutards, real celebrities, and opening the successful Jonathan Antin Salon in West Hollywood.

Before the seemingly gay, but defiantly straight Antin became a reality television star or a pretty talking head on the QVC, he was just a hairdresser. Albeit a well paid hairdresser to Hollywood glitterati such as Madonna, Kirsten Dunst, Ricky Martin, and Tobey McGuire. His motto: "Celebrity hair without the drama." Your Mama understands that you gotta have a gimmick, but please. Jonathan hunny, we've seen your reality show and it's clear you know a little something about drama. You may not, but Your Mama remembers the cat fight with the bottle designer and all the tears in the therapist's office.

Because he'd been around the celebrity block in L.A., Antin knew the value of the bird streets long before the bird streets were the Bird Streets. You know what we're saying? So back in May of 1998 Mister Antin took some of his hairdressing tips and gratuities and purchased this house for $545,000. Smart move. The man stands to make an impressive $1,000,000 when he sells this house.

For all the children who don't know the hills of Hollywood like the back of your hand, some of these homes up in there can be rather difficult to find and require navigating all sorts of splits in the road, harrowing hairpin turns, and very, very narrow streets. Hunnies, the hills can be dangerous to drive because even with all the hazzardous conditions, people fly up and down these roads in their shiny automobiles like they're driving in the Monaco Grandprix. So Your Mama appreciates that this house is located just off Doheny, which makes for a much safer ride home from a late night at Teddy's.

The listing agent at the venerable Westside Estate Agency hasn't provided very many photos of the property, so we can only assume the interior has had a sexy makeover to resemble Mister Antin's sexy impression of himself. Although we are a bit skeptical based on the one photo of the interior we have. Sure, he's got some pedigreed furniture like the Eames lounger and the Jacobsen Egg chair. But we're a little concerned about the television being mounted up at the ceiling like that. It's too reminiscent of a hospital and Your Mama does not need to be reminded of having our gall bladder removed every time we turn on the boob-tube to watch that mortifying Wife Swap program.

Also, that large, bong like contraption just outside the sliders on the deck worries us. What in the devil is that? Whatever it is, it does not look legal and Your Mama suggests the real estate agent hide that thing in the trunk of his car when prospective buyers come over.

We are appreciating that the architect squeezed in a nice swimming pool in a rather small yard. The decking surround is a nice, somewhat low maintenance option that fits with the updated 1960s Hollywood Hills vibe. And of course, Your Mama always appreciates a "cabana," although in this case it's really more of a lean-to.

Couple things we noted: We can't be sure why the listing has the property as both a two and a three bedroom. Also, property records shows the house has two bathrooms, and the listing shows 2.75. Something else we found interesting is that property records also show that this house does not have a central air conditioning system. Maybe that's not a big deal to the children, but Your Mama prefers some central A/C during the dog days of a Los Angeles summer.

Now that Mister Antin is a daddy, he surely wants more square footage and a larger backyard. One large enough for the nanny to push baby Ashford on a fancy swing set. So undoubtedly that's why he's selling this house. We wish Mister Antin and his family a sweet bon voyage and congratulate him on his savvy and lucrative real estate investment.

Sources: Westside Estate Agency, QVC, Bravo, MySpace

Cheech Marin, Malee-boo Mogul

SELLER: Richard (Cheech) and Patti Marin
LOCATION: Pacific Coast Highway, Malibu, CA
PRICE: $3,595,000
SIZE: 3,400 square feet (est.), 4 bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Beautiful craftsman-style home on ocean-side of Pacific Coast Highway. Hardwood floors, granite counter tops, large master suite, 3 fireplaces, custom woodwork, spacious country kitchen. Upstairs master with fireplace, ocean view, spa tub, steam shower and balcony. Family/media room, large ocean view living room with fireplace. Spacious landscaped yard, manicured park-like grounds. Access to fabulous sandy beach. Adjacent vacant lot available for sale at $1,695,000.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Babies, do you remember Cheech and Chong and their pot smoking crazy ways? These two irreverent and satirical comedians became American film icons as they toked their way through eight movies and millions of dollars in profits. The two went their separate ways more than ten years ago, and Mister Cheech has branched out into directions you might be surprised about. Children, this man has a resume a mile long and he's far more bizzy than you might imagine.

Not only has Mister Cheech continued to be seen in dozens of television and film roles, he's recorded a couple of children's records, lent his voice to some huge animated film productions such as The Lion King, and strangely has a line of food products that bear his name and visage.

Perhaps most surprising , Mister Cheech is a widely respected art collector who reportedly owns the largest private Chicano art collection. Pretty impressive for a stoner.

Back in the mid-1990s Mister Cheech and his wifey started buying up contiguous parcels in Malee-boo. According to property records, they first bought an oceanfront lot with a small house. The house has since been renovated into a considerably larger house. At the same time the couple bought the ocean front lot, they purchased the lot directly behind which also has a large, 4,000+ square foot house. Presumably the couple resides in the ocean front house.

A couple of years later in 1998 the couple bought three additional and contiguous lots. Two were and remain vacant, the third includes the house which is being offered for sale. Altogether, the Marin's have five lots with three houses on the same stretch of beach as Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie whose modern ocean front home is just 5 or 600 yards up the PCH. Again, pretty impressive for a man who made his fortune sucking on a bong.

Your Mama has no idea why Mister Cheech and wifey have chosen to sell off part of their Malibu compound. But what is clear, is they are selling the two least desirable parcels. Both parcels front noisy Pacific Coast Highway.

We also have no way of knowing whether the Marins used this house or if they rented it out as income property. Perhaps they housed their staff here? Maybe they housed the art collection here? Maybe it was used as a guest house?

As for our take on the house and property? Well, the listing agent at Pritchett-Rapf didn't provide very many photos, so we'll have to make due with the few we have. Your Mama is not a fan of the bastardized Tudor or the location on right on the highway. We're also not digging that kitchen with the low ceiling which would surely make us clausterphobic while whipping up the macaroni and cheese. On the plus side, the kitchen does appear to be large and reasonably well appointed with nice counter tops and double dishwahers. The view from the yard is really quite lover-lee. That alone is worth quite a bit of money. And the listing does say the property comes with access to a beach which is also worth quite a bit of money.

We don't know hardly any shit about this one babies, so if anyone out there in Malee-boo would like to clue the children in, be sure to contact Your Mama.

Sources: Pritchett-Rapf & Associates, Chicano Art Life

Gwen and Gavin Up In Summit Circle

BUYER: Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale
LOCATION: Crest Place, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $13,250,000 (sale)
SIZE: 9,001 square feet, 6 bedrooms, 9 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Since all the children seemed to enjoy seeing the photos of the Los Feliz house this rock and roll couple is selling, we thought we would bring you a few photos of their new house up in the Beverly Hills. For those of you that this is old news, just chill out and relax and we'll bring you something new tomorrow.

Ev-er-ee body, please pay attention here...these photos do NOT show the house decorated as the couple currently lives in it...these photos were taken when the previous owner still owned the property. Although that owner bought the house fully furnished, we can only hope what we see in the photos is a reflection of the house being poorly staged and that no one actually lived up in this place looking like a damn W Hotel.

Surely everyone remembers that this is the house that Jennifer Lopez once owned. In fact she married that skeletal skinny singer up in the backyard of this house. This new man/huzband Marc Anthony then took her back east to live in a suburban Long Island mansion he previously lived in with his ex-wife Dayanara Torrez. Which we think is a little tacky, but no body asked us about that.

Note: Your Mama recognizes we might not have the name of the ex-wife correct. Your Mama can not be bothered to go find out this morning. And honestly, we don't care what her name is, no offense to the lady.

Anyhoo, in 2004, Miz Lopez sold this home and all it's furniture to young and rich Sam Nazarian, a film producer and night club owner, for $12,500,000. He only lived here for a short time before putting it back on the market for a staggering $15,500,000.

Stefani and Rossdale stepped in and purchased the home in August of 2006 for a reported $13,250,000. The house is a far cry from their cozy, livable, and personal Spanish mansion in Los Feliz. We can only hope Stefani has gotten a nice gay decorator up in there to transform the place from looking like a hotel lobby and into a home.

Sources: Real Estate Journal, Dream Homes Magazine, Big Time Listings

A Few Updates

Hi babies. Your Mama is just here to give you a few updates on houses we've been discussing in the past.

1. Avril Lavigne has reduced the price of her Mulholland Estates property by $700,000 to $6,200,000. Guess she's getting eager to sell.

2. Sharon Stone's flip in Beverly Hills has apparently gone to contract. The last asking price was $12,500,000.

3. Leeza Gibbon's house, which we had reported went to contract, is back on the market, the sale never have gone through. It remains on the market at $7,995,000.

4. Loni Anderson's house appears to have been taken off the market...again. The property still appears on the listing agent's website, but not on the mls.

5. Fawn Hall has reduced the priced of her home in the Bird Streets from $2,470,000 to $2,100,000.

6. Jon Bon Jovi has reportedly gone to contract on a $26,500,000 penthouse duplex in Soho. This according to Braden Keil at the NY Post who also tells us Bon Jovi's super expensive and bo-ring Upper West Side rental has also been leased for just under its $30,000 a month asking price.

7. American Idol judge Randy Jackson has reduced his Tarzana house from $3,199,000 to the rather unusual asking price of $2,999,876.

Annie Duke Folds in Outpost Estates

SELLER: Annie Duke
LOCATION: Outpost Circle, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $3,000,000
SIZE: 3,528 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: 1928 Spanish by architect Marshall Wilkinson located in Outpost Estates, the premier Hollywood Hills location. Modern comforts w/tons of original character & details such as wrought iron railings, Spanish tile, hardwood flrs, exposed beam ceilings & iron light 4 bedrm & 4 ba rm, large guest house with own bathroom. Views of Hollywood Hills. Large backyard with waterfalls & fountains.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Your Mama does not gamble. No siree bob. We like our money too much to give it away to some asshole in a mortifying Tommy Bahama shirt because we're not holding the right damn card. So we did not know who Annie Duke was until we called our friend Rock Hudson out in Las Vegas who clued Your Mama in. Turns out Rock loves to gamble and he was full of all sorts of information about Annie Duke.

We bet most people think professional poker players and gamblers are a shady and ignorant group of people. Let's face it people, gambling is an ugly and low class sport. And children, do not be sending Your Mama nasty little emails about how gambling is fun, Las Vegas is great and baccarat is the sport of kings. Ack! We do not want to hear it.

But Ms. Duke flips our notion of a professional gambler right on it's head. Not only does she come from a family of academics, she has a stellar education herself. Bitch not only graduated from the prestigious St. Paul's prep school in New Hampshire, she earned herself a double major in English and Psychology at Columbia University. We should all be impressed, because this lady is smarter than most of us.

And she's got an uncanny knack for card playing. Turns out this single mother of four has made millions holding, folding, bluffing, and betting at poker tables all over the world. But unfortunately for the Duchess of Poker, she is going to be losing out on the sale of her Los Angeles house.

See, Duke only purchased the property in July of 2005 and she paid $2,850,000. So even if she sells if for full price at $3,000,000, once she pays the realtor fees and capital gains, she's going to be in the hole a couple hundred grand.

The house, located up in Outpost Estates and not far from the house Jason Priestley has on the market for significantly less money, is a lovely example of the California Spanish style. While Your Mama would have trouble navigating all the stairs at this house, overall we really don't have much negativity about Duke's poker palace.

Straight aways we were inclined to appreciate this house because of the eclectic and personal style of the interior. We are quite sure Ms. Duke did not have a nice gay decorator come up in here and work some fag magic, but that's okay by us in this instance because she has been able to create a homey and comfortable environment anyway. The entrance hall could use a little jazzing up, but we think the living room is di-voon with it's high beamed ceiling and putty colored walls. We dig the pair of identical sofas, which acts as an effective counter-balance to the overall pleasing haphazard-ness of the room.

We appreciate that Ms. Duke has her children's artwork displayed on the walls. Your Mama is not partial to small children. We mostly find them to be loud and quarrelsome money pits until they get to be about 24 years old. None the less we do like to see mommies and daddies who encourage their babies to make art and show their appreciation by hanging their children's work on the walls.

There's little in the kitchen we would change. We like the simple white cabinetry with the dark wood floors and simple black counter-tops. We are impressed no one installed some of that horribly ubiquitous flecked granite shit up in here. We appreciate the wide window above the sink for daydreaming the troubles away while scrubbing the pots and pans. The lady-Bosch dishwasher was also a good choice.

The backyard climbs up the side of the hill and provides many charming and hidden nooks and crannies for smoking pot where the children cain't see you. Of course, we always love a secondary building in the backyard. We're not sure what this one is used for, but we imagine it could be a great place to stash the in-laws and other less than desirable guests.

From our wee bit of online research and our conversation with Rock, we understand Ms. Duke has relocated (or is soon to relocate) to Portland, Oregon. This move has something to do with her gig consulting with Ultimate Bet, an online gambling concern.

Nobody asked us, of course, but Your Mama is concerned Ms. Duke may have over-paid for her house and may have a difficult time selling her house at it's current asking price. The location is certainly good, and the house is magnificent. However, Your Mama wouldn't dream of paying upwards of 3,000,000 smackers for a house without a backyard swimming pool. We really do wish her all the best with getting a good price for this house.

Your Mama would also like to thank our friendly tatler friend Tammy Faye Baker, who gave us the lead on this property. Turns out Tammy Faye likes to play the poker too and she was up in this house recently getting her pocketbook emptied by Duke.

Sources: Annie Duke Online, Poker Player Profiles, Coldwell Banker, Everett Fenton Gidley

Lloyd Blankfein Selling Sagaponack House

SELLER: Lloyd and Laura Blankfein
LOCATION: Parsonage Lane, Sagaponack, NY
PRICE: $13,995,000
SIZE: 2.65 acres, 6,561 square feet, 7 bedrooms, 6.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Brand new to the market this stunning traditional sits on almost 3 acres abutting reserve with every amenity, including spacious Master with fireplace, porch and sitting room, large gourmet EIK with professional appliances, cherry cabinets, wood panelled library, screened in porch and finished basement with media room, gym, and covered porches. Built by one of the east ends top building companies and landscape design by famous Edmund Hollander makes the most incredible summer/year round retreat. Large house, gunite heated pool , pool house and sunken tennis court completes the package just a couple block from ocean beaches.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Yesterday afternoon Your Mama received a call from Marlene Dietrich, one of our friends deep inside the financial world, who was breathless with excitement to tell us that Lloyd Blankfein put his Sagaponack mansion on the market for nearly $14,000,000.

Now, all the children will recognize Mister Blankfein's name as the CEO of Goldman Sachs that raked in $53,000,000 in earnings last year and has recently been on a real estate shopping spree. First he paid $27,000,000 for a gargantuan apartment on the Upper West Side.

Then he went shopping for a new summer house in the Hamptons where he has recently gone to contract to purchase the tremendous Southampton estate "Old Trees" for the dizzying sum of $41,000,000. Lawhd babies, Your Mama has to sit down just to consider that much money. Please keep in mind, this 20,000 square foot, 13 bedroom shingled "cottage" on 10.6 acres will likely only be used weekends for 3-5 months of the year.

So now that the purchase of "Old Trees" is going to go through, Mister Blankfein and his missy Laura have put their Parsonage Lane house on the market. As of this morning, the listing agents at Corcoran, uber agent Susan Brietenbach and her sonny boy Matthew, have only provided a couple crappy photos. But when they get up something nice of the interior, we'll be sure to holler at the children.

The couple purchased the lot on Parsonage Lane in 1995 and built the house in 2001. It may have nearly 7,000 square feet and a pool and sunken tennis court, but it's a pretty run of the mill house in the Hamptons. But it is in easy breezy quasi rural Sagaponack, which has the distinction of being one of the most expensive zip codes in the country. The property also happens to be very near one of Your Mama and the Dr. Cooters' favorite beaches in the Hamptons, a little used stretch of sand not far from Ira Rennert's freakishly large and obscene 100,000 square foot ocean front summer house called "Fair Field" with it's 29 bedrooms, 39 bathrooms and 91 foot long dining room. Please, that's just unnecessary.

Anyhoo, we can't comment much on Mister Blankfein's Sagaponack set up until we see more photos. So Ms. Breitenbach, be sure to give us a shout when you get that virtual tour up.

Sources: NY Post, Answers.com, Corcoran

Howard Stern Hamptons Update

Today in Braden Keil's column Gimme Shelter in the NY Post, we learn all the gory details of Big Hair's Hamptons rental that we discussed here.

Turns out that Big Hair and soon to be wifey are paying an unprecedented $1,000,000 to rent the big Norman Jaffe house out on Meadow Lane with an option to rent for the following year.

Lawhd children, imagine all the children in Amurica that could be fed, sheltered, and provided healthcare for a million bucks.

Mister Keil was kind enough to reference Your Mama and our little blog in his column today and we are deeply appreciative and flattered.

Sally Hershberger, Hairstyling Honcho

SELLER: Sally Hershberger
LOCATION: Carla Ridge, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $6,500,000
SIZE: 3,645 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Sprawling modern w/ spectacular city and ocean views from all public and private rooms. Great scale w/ floor to ceiling walls of glass. Terrazzo floor floor throughout and to the poo/outdoor bar area. Gallery walls, perfect for the art collector. Generous master-suite w/ fireplace and incredible master bath w/ indoor/outdoor shower exposed to rear garden, lily pond and meditation area.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: The other day the Ben Casselman at the Wall Street Journal wrote about this property in his Private Properties column. We thought we would follow up with a few dramatic photos and additional information about rock and roll hair cutter Miss Hershberger and her mini real estate empire.

Do the children know that Miss Hershberger is one of the highest paid hair cutters in all of the land? Well, she is. This gal will charge upwards of $800 just to cut your hair. That is if you can get an appointment and then find her unmarked second floor salon in the Meatpacking District of New York. She also works out of the John Frieda Salon on Melrose Avenue in Los Angeles, which quite frankly, is easier to find.

If you do manage to find yourself up in her chair, do not expect any tender, love and care from this gal. She is not interested in listening to you whine about your job, your huzband, or anything else for that matter. In fact she's not that interested in talking to you at all while she's giving your hair the Edward Scissorhands. When she steps up to the chair to cut your hair she'll bring two attractive and exuberantly and meticulously coiffed male assistants (no girls, too much drama, thank you), and in between snips and slivers she'll look at herself in the mirror and purse her lips and primp own hair. She's not about to look bad while making someone else look good.

People flock to Miss Hershberger to have their hair cut into her signature cut...the Hershberger Shag a la Meg Ryan, who is a long time client. She herself sports a short shagged out hair do of the variety she's famous for. Other celebrity clients include that freaky Tom Cruise, scary skinny Calista Flockhart, duck-billed Michelle Pfeiffer, shoplifter Winona Ryder, and funny lady Sandra Bernhard to name just a few.

Hershberger has owned several properties around Los Angeles over the years, but her most recent purchase in January, 2004 was this house on Carla Ridge up in Trousdale Estates for which she paid $2,400,000. Casselman's article stated that the hairstyling guru spent the last few years renovating the place and has put it on the market while she negotiates for the purchase of another home in the area.

The house is currently priced at $6,500,000 which is a bewildering profit of $4,100,000 in just three short years. No doubt she put considerable money into the place, but still, Your Mama thinks this sounds a wee bit greedy.

The house does look fantastic though. We are loving all the terrazzo flooring which are perfect for keeping the house cool during the blistering summer days. We're even digging that great big painting of horses in the dining area which strangely sort of turns us on. But we are disappointed the listing agent at Worldwide, Inc. did not provide more and better photographs.

When in New York, Hershberger beds down in a gor-gee-us and expensive pre-war Bing and Bing penthouse apartment in a West Village. The penthouse, for which she paid $1,850,000 in June of 2001 is the second apartment she has owned in the building, having sold her 9th floor unit just before purchasing the penthouse.

Weekends are for the Hamptons, of course, where Hershberger heads out to her itty bitty uber-private waterfront cottage in The Springs, a less fancy, but up and coming area of swankified East Hampton.

You may not know who this pin thin somewhat androgynous lady with the big ego is, but you will soon enough. Like everyone else, this gurl has jumped on the reality television train and will shortly be seen as the lead judge on the Bravo's upcoming show Shear Genius. Hunnies, you know that show is going to the ugly side of some bitchy hairdressers. Lawhd, we cain't wait to see that.

Sources: New York Magazine

The House Moesha Bought

SELLER: Ralph and Melba Farquhar
LOCATION: Zorada Drive, Los Angeles CA
PRICE: $5,900,000
SIZE: 3,221 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 8 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Magnificent modern with panoramic view. Soaring ceilings, stone floors, and walls of glass open to sparkling pool, spa, lawn and patio with fire it, built-in BBQ all overlooking the canyon and city. Gourmet kitchen with limestone counters and top appliances, family/media room and maids. Upstairs are four en suites, gym and stunning office. Fantastic, ultra-hip master with private deck. Long gated drive, paddle tennis court, guest house, sauna, steam room, five fireplaces. Gorgeous. Flawless

YOUR MAMAS UPDATE: We received a nice comment from a Mister Kasser clarifying that the car in the driveway is in fact a XLR or some such thing and NOT a CTS. Well, we appreciate the setting straight. But we still think that's a bogus car to drive and Cadillac should stick to making cars that are more than 20 feet long and seat 8 and 10 people. Just Your Mama's opinion.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: No babies, this is not the home of Brandy, so if that's what you're looking for, we're sorry to disapernt you. We just thought that was a catchy headline. Anyhoo...

The first thing Your Mama noticed when we came across this property was that gold colored Cadillac CTS in the driveway. Your Mama just hates those cars. We think if you're going to drive a Cadillac, go get yourself a damn Fleetwood like the Dr. Cooter's mama used to drive with it's white leather interior and a gleaming white landeau top. Or maybe an old boxy Seville from the 1980s. Now that was a Cadillac worth driving.

Turns out the car belongs to Ralph and Melba Farquhar, all due respect. You may not recognize those names if you're not in the television bizness. Mr. Farquhar has written and produced such money makers as Married With Children, Moesha, and The Parkers. Your Mama thinks that Parkers show isn't worth the tape it's laid down on, but we love us some Mo'Nique. We're waiting for her to bring back her show F.A.T. Chance where she had all this large ladies parading around in negligees vying for the Miss F.A.T crown. Mystifying, touching, and upsetting all at the same time. That was some excellent T.V.

Interestingly Mr. Farquhar got his start writing for Happy Days, a stint which he says "forced him to become a black man in a world of white industry people." Hunnies, just to clarify, that quote is not from the man himself, but this article.

Miss Melba Farquhar has made a name for herself recently as an interior designer with clients like Nicole Ari Parker and Academy Award winner Forest Whitaker. Her work and talent is clearly seen up in the couple's mod-rin Hollywood Hills mansion.

The second thing Your Mama noticed about this house is that property records show the house at just over 3,000 square feet. But we suspect the records have not been updated recently because this house is surely closer to 5,000 square feet.

The house, accessed up a long drive and tucked behind other houses, sits up on the side of a hill at the top of Nichols Canyon and on the back side of Mount Olympus. Surrounded by a mountain side of scrub lands, the house offers serious privacy. Which of course, Your Mama loves. But, all that scrub land can be a little dangerous if you have cats and small dogs that can be snatched in the night by the wild critters that surely roam the hillside. So buyer beware on that.

Your Mama finds the front of the house bland and even unattractive. But once we get inside, Your Mama is very pleasantly surprised at the elegant dramatics of the layout. Some of the rooms are a wee bit small, but that is made up for by the tremendous floor to ceiling windows that allow long and wide views. And we're feeling all those dark walnut floors for sure.

We could do without the industrial style island in the kitchen which looks a little over-processed, but it's nice that the architect included a big picture window in the there so the maid can look at something nice while she's scrubbing the pots and pans.

The twisty staircase, perfect for a grand entrance by a supreme Hollywood diva like Jesse Metcalfe, brings us to the second level where bedrooms and en suite bathrooms abound. Your Mama does not usually care to soak in a big ol' bathtub. Tubs just make us feel like we're sitting in our own filth. We prefer a scalding hot shower where the dirt runs off our ample body and straight down the drain. However, that big, sexy, frameless curve of glass behind the tub in the master bedroom just might make us reconsider our bathtub ban.

Children, it's the backyard here that really has Your Mama feeling good about this house. Normally we don't appreciate swimming pools with swooping and odd shapes, but this one has us wishing we lived on Zorada Drive. Imagine taking a midnight skinny dip here?

And ev-er-ee one who has ever read anything Your Mama has written knows we are down with outdoor fireplaces and fire pits. The Farquhar fire pit is an perfect example of how to do it correct. We imagine our self laid out on that banquette, the Dr. Cooter rubbing our tired tootsies and our bitches Linda and Beverly curled up next to use.

One thing we are concerned about is the eight terlits. That's right, as usual we are worried about the physical health of the staff. The maid is surely going be suffering from bursitis after scrubbing all them things for a few months. If you buy this house, Your Mama asks that you have enough disposable income to get your maid an assistant to work the terlits.

Slade's Orange County Mess

SELLER: Slade Smiley
LOCATION: 14 Meadow Wood Drive, Coto De Caza, CA
PRICE: $1,725,000
SIZE: 4,800 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 4.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Spectacular elegant customized hoome with high ceiling, large rooms, travertine floors, custom light fixtures, new double ovens, microwaves, 4 dishwasher drawers, Cooks delight kitchen, with exotic granite Island, cozy breakfast nook, Large over sized family room, Large bedrooms and romantic master, circular driveway and premier cul de sac location make this a must see home. Recently remodeled and ready for your choice in new carpet.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Oh lawhd hunnies, when we first saw this posted on the excellent Curbed LA website we just about lost our minds. Every Tuesday Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter sit down to watch The Housewives of Orange County and every week we are left breathless at the confusing and upsetting lives of the citizens of Coto De Caza. Many a scene of this train wreck of a reality show were filmed in this house which of course was the home base for hunky and scruffy Slade and his dimwitted girlfriend Jo.

Before anyone gets up on a high horse and tries to tell Your Mama we're just jealous we don't have a big multi-million dollar McMansion in a gated community and a money tree in the backyard, let us tell you we would sooner slit our own throat than live down behind the Orange Curtain. We have been to the slums of Johannesburg babies, and believe Your Mama when we tell you, Soweto is a better place to live. Surely if the devil walks the face of the earth, he would choose to live down in Coto De Caza with all those crazy bitches with fake titties, fake tans, and fake teeth. Fake. Fake. FAKE. And the snotty children...don't even get Your Mama started on those ungrateful little brats who imagine they have enough money they don't need to be educated. Please.

If you missed the season finale, you might be wondering why the good looking but half-witted Slade would be selling his suburban house of horrors. Here's a recap. Jo, the "girlfriend," who shamefully and disturbingly acts and talks like a seven year old girl most of time, up and left Slade for a life of late nights and public vomiting in Hollywood. She was not ready to be a semi-retired housewife restricted to the confines of backyard barbecues and soccer mommies gossiping about plastic surgery victims. We can't really blame her for that, Your Mama would surely stroke out in that environment too. And, this is the best part, bitch went to Hollywood pursue her dream to be a pop star. Stop laughing now babies, she says she's serious about it and she's even met with a music producer with fingers full of bling and a klassy pimped out Bentley.

So off she goes, flying up the 405 in the Mercedes Slade paid for, declaring her independence all the way to the tacky two bedroom apartment she was planning on sharing with her slightly less retarded friend J.J.

Poor Slade. Left alone to ramble around in that big, ugly house all by himself. Well, turns out the ignoramus can't just move on and find a new high-maintenance hussy who wants to live behind the gates of Hell. For reasons Your Mama can not comprehend, he really loves Jo. So what does the little bugger do? He puts the house on the market and moves to Hollywood where he is going to be Jo's music manager. Yes children, you read that correctly. If he can't be the boyfriend, apparently he'll settle for being the manager.

Your Mama just thinks that's sad. No. More than sad. Utterly depressing. Your Mama suspects a reality show spin off is desperately being shopped around. Which is even more depressing.

Slade's house is being listed by none other than the real estate maven housewife Jeana Keough, for whom Your Mama has a soft spot. Poor thing has to raise up those nasty kids without any help from her surly huzband. Anyhoo, Your Mama suspects a house like this is a hot commodity in Coto, however, we are sorry to say we can't find one thing in this house we can say something positive about.

The unnerving spectacle of the house really speaks for itself, but we have to tell the children the three most pressing issues we have with the house.

First off we have the acres of white carpeting. Does anyone really think white wall to wall carpeting is a good idea? It's not. Ever. Even if you're Barbra Streisand.

Secondly, those recliners in the "media room" are so unbelievably horrid Your Mama doesn't even know where to begin. Thankfully those tacky excuses for chairs do not come with the house.

And one thing that is not visible in the photos is that this house does not have a swimming pool or a spa. Now, we don't know about any of you, but that seems criminal. Who in Coto would dare not to have such standard equipment? That alone could keep this house from selling.

If anyone cares, Slade purchased this house in February of 2002 for $822,000.

We're sure some leather skinned mommy will pull up in her Escalade and feel in her fake little heart that she's found the perfect house for her and her family. The only good that we see in all of this? Jeana gets a big fat commission check.

Source: Curbed LA, ReMax

Goldfarb and Paredes in Tribeca

SELLERS: Alfredo Paredes and Brad Goldfarb
LOCATION: 25 N. Moore Street (The Atalanta), New York City
PRICE: $2,600,000 (maintenance $2,155 / month)
SIZE: 1,886 square feet, 1 bedroom, 1 bathroom
DESCRIPTION: The description provided by the listing agents is very long...so we'll condense and pop up later today.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Children, have you ever wondered what the New York apartment of a couple of swanky design queens looks like? Well here you go. Your Mama has been in so many of these places where every inch is considered and littered with expensive object (pronounce that ob-zjay please) and flea market finds that have been very expensively refinished and reupholstered. In case the children West of the Hudson River don't know who these fancy poofters are let Your Mama tell you.

Brad Goldfarb is the Executive Editor at the once edgy, now mainstream Interview magazine which was started in 1969 by that little wig wearing demon Andy Warhol. Goldfarb has the privilege of interviewing lots of fascinating folks like Whitney Houston and Anderson Cooper. Lately Goldfarb and Interview have been under fire from New York media blogs for allegedly fabricating the letters to the editor. Oh my, we can only hope those accusations are false, false, false.

Alfredo Paredes is an Executive Vice President at Ralph Lauren. Now that should not be a surprise after having a look around the apartment. We've got animal skin rugs, black and white photos, heaps of vases and lots of taupe colored things. All very Calvin Klein goes to the beach with a distinct Manhattan sophistication. There are almost always six degrees of separation in New York and a lifetime ago Your Mama sold Mister Paredes a custom made blanket for their country house that cost him $450. Wonder if he still has it.

The 10th floor apartment is located in The Atalanta, one of Tribeca's most desirable and expensive buildings. Other notable residents include Damon Dash, who lives in a lower floor duplex, and playwright Anna Deveare Smith as well as a large contingent of rich and anonymous lawyers, bankers and Wall Streeters.

Overall the apartment comes off quite nice. A little "done" for our taste, but that's to be expected from ritzy gays in New York with very good jobs. The kitchen has us peeing our pants it looks so sleek and sexy. But Your Mama knows from experience that all that stainless steel will keep the maid polishing half a day away. We hope the girl has some insurance to deal with the carpal tunnel that is sure to set in from all rubbing and wiping in the kitchen.

Can the children see that nude man in the window? No offense guys, but that thing is just gay enough to be upsetting. Why do people like these things? Please someone let us know what the appeal is.

The vanity area of the bathroom is certainly dramatic and we recognize and appreciate the bold use of the color black. In theory Your Mama likes that big naughty black phallic stick on the left hand side. But we're uncomfortable with the all the male jewelry hanging on the thing. Sort of destroys the effect for us.

We do not l.o.v.e every element of this apartment, but Your Mama knows in our hearts we would like these two gentlemen because they have actual books up in their house. Not having books in your house says more about someone than people without books in their house could possibly imagine.

The generous and well designed layout goes without saying. Clearly these two had a great architect who was able to deliciously custom fit the apartment.

If the children think $2,600,000 sounds like a lot for a one bedroom apartment, you should see the $4,000,000 one bedroom apartment that is also currently for sale at The Atalanta. So maybe this place is a bargain. It's all relative in the high end market, right babies?

Sources: Corcoran, Stribling NY

Jason Priestley Sells The Peach Pit

SELLER: Jason Priestley
LOCATION: Outpost Drive, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $2,199,000
SIZE: 3,550 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Attributed to Charles Toberman, this 1928 Outpost original offers incomparable architectural integrity with key updates. Privately perched, the home features living room with fireplace; formal dining room; well-equipped kitchen with awesome wine cellar; master bedroom with two walk-in closets and great original bath; two additional beds w/beautiful new bath; guest quarters with steam shower; patio w/outdoor fp; views; multi-zone-ht/air; wired for sound; full security.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: The other day we were contacted by Shirley Temple who whispered in our ear that Jason Priestley was selling his house up in Outpost Estates. Now babies, Shirley swore to us this house is owned by the former Brandon Walsh and she claimed she knew this because she had been inside the house. Heaven only knows what Shirley Temple was doing up in Jason Priestley's house, but we do not want to know.

Anyhoo, a little research revealed the house is currently held in a trust using the name Barry Greenfield, a powerhouse business manager/accountant for celebrity types like Jason Priestley. Priestley purchased this home in July of 2002 for $995,000. In August of the same year, probably before he even got that insanely huge crucifix up on the wall, Priestley was involved in a serious racing accident in which he fractured his spine. Lawhd children you know that had to hurt something serious.

Unless you live under a rock in the backwoods of Appalachia, you know that in the 1990s Priestley had an enormously successful run on a little show called Beverly Hills 90210, where he co-starred with one of Your Mama's favorite Hollywood ladies, Ms. Tori Spelling Shanian McDermott. Unfortunately for our Mister Priestley, he has kinda been pigeon-holed in the minds of the television watching public as fresh faced Brandon Walsh. And that's a pity really because despite the vacuous fluff that was 90210, Your Mama thinks this man can actually act his way out of a paper bag, which is far better than most of the pretty boys in Hollywood can do.

Since 90210, Priestley has worked tirelessly to shed the Brandon Walsh monkey on his back. And we think he's doing a good job. Certainly the man has been very, very bizzy acting, producing and di-recting since 90210 was cancelled in the year 2000. According to his filmography, Priestley has more than seven projects due out in 2007. Impressive by any one's standards.

Another project due out in 2007 is the baby Priestley and his wife Naomi Lowde are expecting this summer. No doubt the arrival of a baby has something to do with selling this house. Everyone knows that a 3,500 square feet house is just not enough room to raise a child up in Los Angeles and have a pack of dogs. Our Mister Priestley is a well known animal rights supporter, and like Your Mama, a dog lover and owner. If you look closely at the photos you will see the couple's Alaskan Malamute, Pris, sunning on the patio and through the French doors at the back of the house a gargantuan photo of Swifty Lugnutz, their aged French Bulldog.

The house is being marketing as one of the original houses up in Outpost Estates, a 1920s housing development located east of Runyon Canyon and north of Franklin Avenue. The nicely sited house sits above the street keeping the prying eyes of freaky fans from being able to peek in the windows. However, this location above the street also means there are a lot of stairs to climb to get up to the front door. Your Mama would have liked to have seen Mr. Priestley install and funicular from the street level garage up to the front door. That would certainly save the maid's back from being damaged hauling up all the dog food and wine crates.

We're quite sure that motorcycle that can be seen in the dining room photo has some sort of pedigree, but parking a vehicle of any kind in the front hall is unacceptable by our standard.

Your Mama appreciated that the bathroom was maintained and restored to it's original design with the funky mint green and black tile work. And of course, it goes without saying that Your Mama swoons and goes jelly knee-ed over that outdoor dining area with the fireplace.

While the decor is not our taste, over all we think the house looks cozy and lived in...not something we always see in a celebrity home. However there are two issues we have. The first is we would have preferred to see something on the walls besides old movie posters. We know this is Los Angeles and everyone puts vintage movie posters on the wall, but we think this place would go to the next level with some proper and expensive artwork on the wall.

The second issue is that crucifix. We certainly hope the Priestley's will not be taking that thing to their new home. It's not the sacrilege that concerns us. Your Mama does not bother with the religious stuff. What does worry us is that when this new baby gets old enough to use it's eyes this big ol' thing that shows a dead man hanging on a piece of wood will scare the skin right off the child. Just take that thing off the wall and burn it up in that outdoor fireplace.

We have the address to this property, of course, but because the man is still living up in this house, we have chosen not to include the address. All you intrepid readers can no doubt find the house number, but we're not giving it to you so that you can go knocking on these people's door.

Your Mama would like to wish the Priestley's all the best with the new chile and to please let us know when you get settled in your new house because we have a nice little housewarming gift for you.

Sources: Outpost Estates Homeowners Assoc., Sotheby's, Internet Movie Data Base

Gwen Stefani Selling Mediterranean Mansion

SELLER: Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale
LOCATION: 2566 Aberdeen Avenue, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $4,795,000
SIZE: 4,926 square feet, 6 bedrooms, 5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Grand Mediterranean Los Feliz Estate. This 1928 villa is set behind electric gates up a long private drive. Features include 6bd/5ba. Dramatic 2-sty grand entry. Living room with 25’ hand stenciled beams & massive stone fireplace. Chef’s kitchen w/ top of the line Viking appliances & stunning Malibu tile. Stained glass light filled atrium leads out to tranquil courtyard. Media room, heat pool & spa.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Today the Hot Properties column in the LA Times reported that Tony Kanal, the bassist of the music group No Doubt recently listed his Los Feliz home for sale for just under $1,500,000. What was not reported is that Gwen Stefani, front lady singer diva for No Doubt also recently listed her Los Feliz house for sale. But Stefani's house will cost you a lot more money.

According to public records, Stefani purchased this home back in 1998 for $1,375,013. She has lovingly restored and decorated the house maintaining and highlighting it's 1920s pedigree. Is it any surprise that Stefani, who has style oozing out her pores, would live in such a gorgeous house?

Your Mama doesn't have a lot of time this morning to flatter and make sassy comments, but we will say, the house is a-may-zing. We could do without some of the religious iconography (we don't need to be reminded of Jeezus all the time, thank you), but otherwise we'd buy the place lock, stock, and barrel.

The kitchen: A sublime renovation marrying 1930s style tile work with modern black Viking brand appliances.

The living room: This room is really quite well done. The simple slip-covered white sofas manage to allow the space to retain its grandeur and still seem comfortable and inviting.

The backyard pool: jaw dropping. Can't the children just see Your Mama working the kinks out in that spa?

Gwen hunny, Your Mama is not sure whether you did this place yourself or if you hired a nice gay decorator to go up in there to create those stupendous interiors. Either way, we would like to congratulate you on your extraordinary taste.

The listing agents at Sotheby's have kindly provided an extensive virtual tour that will be available while the house remains unsold...however, we don't imagine it'll take long to sell this place, so get over there and look at it before it's pulled down.

It has been widely reported that in August 2006, Stefani and Rossdale purchased the former home of Jennifer Lopez up in the gated community of Summit Circle for around $14,000,000. Their new contemporary house offers the couple even more privacy, huge views of the LA basin and at over 9,000 square feet, almost double the space of their Los Feliz house.

We're dying to see how Gwen does up the new place.

Grody Brody Jenner in Malibu

RENTER: Brody Jenner
LOCATION: 6487 Cavalleri Road, Malibu, CA
PRICE: $12,330/month
SIZE: 2,190 square feet

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Your Mama finds Brody Jenner spectacularly uninteresting, but we understand there are a lot of tweener aged girls and gay boys out there who think he's hot and something to be concerned about so we decided to pop up a post about his recent real estate doings.

Jenner's claim to fame is that he is the son of Olympic athlete Bruce Jenner and dated Hollywood ho-bags like Kristen Cavelleri and scary skinny Nicole Richie. Apparently he also appeared on some reality show called The Princes of Malibu. Your Mama shamefully confesses that we will watch almost any reality show, but for some reason we've never heard of nor seen this program. It must have been a real dawg.

A few weeks ago Luxist reported that Jenner was moving into an apartment at the newly built Villa Malibu apartment complex, and today Ruth Ryon at the LA Times elaborated telling the world the young Jenner, who as far as we can tell does not earn an income of his own, signed a year long lease for a furnished unit at more than $12,000 a month.

The photos above are from the Villa Malibu website and we can't be sure this is exactly the furniture that Jenner will be living with, but it'll give all the children some idea of the relative banality of the decor. The reports about the size of the apartment are conflicting, but we think he's rented the unit with the above floor plan.

Now, Your Mama is done talking about this pretty boy who seems to offer the world nothing but a recognizable last time, a handsome face, and a big bubble booty. Let us know when he's got a job.

Sources: Luxist, LA Times, Villa Malibu

Lohan Closes on Sierra Towers Unit

SELLER: Lindsay Lohan
LOCATION: 9255 Doheny Road, Unit 2701
SIZE: 2,117 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Opportunity awaits. The most famous full service high rise in the city. This 3 bedroom, 2.5 bathroom Northwest corner unit is on the desirable 27th floor. Boasting killer ocean, city, sunset and Hollywood Hills views. Ready for your client to customize and make it their own ultimate retreat.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Ruth Ryon's Hot Properties column in the LA Times reports today that little Lindsay Lohan has finally unloaded the shell of an apartment she's been trying to sell for the last year. She purchased the 27th floor unit in August of 2005 for just under $2,000,000 then quickly turned around and listed the place with Max Shapiro and Richard Erlich of Westside Estate Agency for a $2,850,000.

Eventually the price was reduced. As was Ms. Ryon, Your Mama was told the apartment sold for very close to the last asking price of $2,495,000 which Your Mama snitched to the children back in early February when the place went to contract. All of this is pretty widely known and part of the public record.

What is not so widely known is the reason she purchased the apartment in the first place. Your Mama has squeezed some of our contacts for a few juicy bits that we can now share. Ages ago Your Mama was sworn to secrecy when we were told by a La Lohan insider that she purchased the apartment as part of an agreement with a glossy magazine.

The agreement, as we understand, was that Lohan would purchase the apartment and the publication would organize and PAY for the renovation and decoration. Once completed La Lohan was to sit for a multi-page photographic spread showing off her swank new digs. You would not be foolish to wonder why a magazine would enter an agreement like that.

Remember children, this was mid-2005, before all the vagina flashing, public fighting with boyfriends, and (allegedly) drunken incidents with other LA scensters like Paris Hilton. And of course before her recent dabbling with rehab. Back then La Lohan was a sizzling hot commodity and a big photo spread with her was sure to bring big news stand sales and publicity for the magazine.

Well, wouldn't you know, fickle gurl that she is, La Lohan backed out of the deal with the magazine and then wanted nothing to do with the apartment. At the time she was happily shacked up at the Chateau Marmont running up huge bill and had no desire to leave the cozy and fabled hotel.

However, it seems the Chateau wasn't so happy with their resident party gurl who was infamous for running up and down the halls making a lot of racket and generally being inconsiderate to the other guests and residents. Imagine that? Your Mama was told, and we make no claims to it's truth, but we were told La Lohan was asked to leave the Chateau...at her earliest convenience. May not be true, and they'll all deny it through publicists, but it certainly sounds plausible.

So what does the bitch do? She leases an apartment at the Sierra Towers. Yes, she does. Back in October, La Lohan left the Chateau and officially moved to a lower level unit at Sierra Towers...the very same building she was selling an apartment she owned but couldn't be bothered to renovate.

Celebrities have funny and fascinating little lives, don't they?

Real Estate Pornography X

SELLER: Adam Gordon
LOCATION: 92 Jane Street
PRICE: $16,500,000
SIZE: 5,000 sq. ft. (approx.)
DESCRIPTION: (Note: The listing agent, who happens to be Robert DeNiro's son Raphael, provided a long and flowery description so we'll just give you a snippet here) Recently renovated, the townhouse's landmark status facilitated the preservation and reconstruction of its existing 1858 Greek revival façade. The building's interior organization is driven by its unique south facing rear yard which is enclosed by blind 35 foot high walls, creating a condition of total privacy. This allows the rear façade to be completely transparent. It also makes a private outdoor room that serves as an extension of the living and dining spaces; entry to it is across a marble slab that bridges a reflecting pond.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Ever since this house popped on to the market we've been referring to it as the Mullet House, historic business in the front, and swank party in the back. Your Mama and the commentating dude that lives at 165 Charles Street would be clawing each other's eyes out over this house if either of us had $16,500,000.

Seldom do we come across a house so sublime, considered and resolved. Mr. Gordon, the owner of this property, does not live here. That's right babies, our Mr. Gordon is a real estate developer looking to make some big bucks on this house. Having purchased the house in February 2005 for just $3,000,000, our Mister Gordon smartly hired Steven Harris Architects to re-imagine the space and design a townhouse for 21st century New York City living.
Harris, who is particularly successful at marrying the past with the present in his myriad of high end commissions, kept the program pretty close to the standard townhouse layout...kitchen at the bottom opening to a garden, bedrooms at the top, public rooms in between. However, the sensitive articulation of the space and incredibly refined details stands this house on the shoulders of others.

There are some other amazing downtown houses with modern styling such as the stunner at 13 Leroy Street that was once rented by Will Smith (here and here). Even still, Your Mama finds the Jane Street house to be one step above all the others we've come across lately. The reason? The all glass rear facade and the 35-foot blind walls that allow the house to be flooded with light and still maintain a uniquely private space in the heart of Manhattan. And that children is worth a lot of money.
Your Mama is not going to spend a lot of time pouring over the details of this house...we'll just let you drool over the photos and floor plan yourself. But there is one feature of the house we would like to point out: the top floor den. With floor to ceiling glass on two walls, a fireplace and two terraces, this room has Your Mama peeing in our stretch pants. The front terrace is exposed, and the rear terrace, protected by the roof overhang, includes an outdoor fireplace. And outdoor fireplace right here in New York City. How fucking cool is that?

Be sure to click on the photos and floor plan because the images will open larger so that all the children can see the details.

Sources: Steven Harris Architects, The Real Deal, Prudential Douglas Elliman

Is Byron Allen Flipping Out?

SELLER: Bryon Allen
LOCATION: Nightingale Drive, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $6,995,000
SIZE: 3,562 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Most fabulous view in LA. Downtown, Century City, and ocean! Sexy, mid century modern. Celebrity owned. Private and gated. 3 Bd/3.5 ba and maid's. Open floor plan with walls of glass and head-on city views. Huge yard with pool–and entertainer's paradise...Live on top of the world.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: This house, owned through a trust, belongs to Byron Allen. Do any of the children remember him? Your Mama had to pull his name up through the haze of our fading memory. Truth be told, we thought Mr. Allen disappeared into obscurity after Real People was cancelled in 1984. But, turns out he did not. Ladies and gentlemen, he's very busy. And he's rich.

The man produces, directs, writes and currently hosts something called Comics Unleashed on the Fox Channel. Your Mama can hardly watch stand up comics without vomiting from anxiety so that explains why we haven't tuned in to that program to know Mr. Allen is indeed alive and kicking.

Mister Allen makes most of his dough from a company he founded in 1993 called Entertainment Studios. According to their website, the company is the "largest independent producer/distributor of first run, syndicated programming for broadcast television stations." Heavens, we don't even know what that means? They do whaaat? Is that English?

It's unclear to Your Mama whether Mr. Allen ever lived in this Bird Street house or if he's flipping it for a few million more than he paid. However, we suspect he's flipping. First of all, property records indicate the house was purchased in June of 2005 and we know for a fact the place has has had a significant amount of work done in the last year or so. Secondly it has been staged with a truck load of mid-century and contemporary furniture to make it look sexy and glamorous. And it does. But it also looks like no one actually lives there. Did you note there is no shampoo in the shower?

Whatever the case, this house melts Your Mama's butter. The house may fit every cliche about and LA property, but that's all right by us. We might go with a darker putty color on the exterior of the house to further chill it out and we don't care for a good amount of the furniture, but once you get in that front door this place blows our mind. Seriously.

Your Mama is appreciating the way the walls were dealt with in the living and dining rooms. The floor to ceiling zebra wood has been lovingly and thoughtfully matched to create a uniform pattern. This was also done in the den where the delicious Carrara marble is naughtily patterned in such a way as to resemble lady parts. Which we think is a nice touch in a masculine house with such severe and straight lines.

The kitchen looks functional and nicely up to date without being so tragically mo-derne that it will need to be replaced in a year or two. We also dig the the breakfast room with the vintage Panton fixture. We would like to see a splash of color on the wall here to set it all off, but that's a minor and easy fix.

The back of the house slides open to one of the best backyards in the Bird Streets. Not only is it private, the view is giant. An added bonus: the low maintenance landscaping. The Guatemalan gardeners won't have much to do back here. Your Mama likes the idea of backyard artwork, but that sculpture can go.

We're going to go call our LA real estate agent right now. Your Mama needs to know if the windows on this place have a UV coating to protect our art works.

What do the children think? Is it priced right?

Beach Boy Brian Wilson in Beverly Hills

SELLER: Brian Wilson
LOCATION: Clerendon Road, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $8,495,000
SIZE: 9,353 square feet, 6 bedrooms, 7.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: 6+7.5 Mediterranean in guard gated Mulholland Estates. Liv rm & fam rm w/fp, FDR, Chef’s kit w/2 islands, top line appls, Butler’s pantry & wetbar. Mstr suite w/pvt balc, fp, wetbar, walk-in closet, mstr ba w/fp, dual sink & wc, vanity, spa tub & steam shwr. Media rm, office, maid’s rm & 4-car garage. Courtyard, grssy area, pool/spa.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Oh Lawhd children, Your Mama had to sit down when our Bev Hills buddy Edgar Allen Poe whispered to us about this house coming up for sale. We are flabbergasted, flummoxed, and generally suspicious about what is happening up in Mulholland Estates. Yet another celebrity has put their house up for sale in this guard gated celebrity haven. This time it's former Beach Boy Brian Wilson.

Wilson's house on Clerendon Road sits on the very same street where front girl Avril Lavigne, lacquer haired Loni Anderson, and crooner Paul Anka all have their houses on the market (NOTE: Anka's place has been removed from the MLS, but still appears on listing agent Kathy Villa's website as available). "Comedian" Tom Arnold recently sold the house he bought from Paula Abdul around the corner on Aubrey Road, and Dirty gurl Christina Aguillera and Shaquille O'Neal also sold their homes in the last couple of years.

Why are all the celebrities moving out? What do they know that we don't? Why, why why?

Brian Wilson, who is no longer associated with the group that tours under the Beach Boys moniker, purchased his house in 1999 and quietly lives there with his wife and three young adopted children. Your Mama thinks it's cute that Wilson met his current wife, Melinda Ledbetter, in 1986 at a Santa Monica Cadillac dealership where Ms. Ledbetter was a car sales person. According to an official biography, she sold him an "ugly brown Seville." There's no telling where love will bloom is there?

For many years Wilson suffered from excruciating depression. From the 1970s through the late 1980s he was under the Svengali like care of a psychologist who took over all of Wilson's financial and musical decisions. Eventually the psychologist was stripped of his license and a judge placed Wilson's affairs in conservatorship.

It was into this topsy-turvy world that poor Wendy and Carnie were reared. Remember their funny little group Wilson Phillips? You know children, we aren't here to discuss the Wilson children and we really don't want to hate on Carnie. But Your Mama can't help it. Carnie is a nice girl and she certainly did not have it easy growing up with a deeply troubled father. But gurl, listen to Your Mama here. You have got to stop making a career out of crying on the television about your damn weight fluctuations. You want everyone to accept you for who you are? Stop talking about yer gastric bypass. We're through listening. We did see you recently all blond and looking like your sister when you hosted VH1's program about celebrity slim downs. But doll, that's that's just more working of the fat thang. Jeezo, talk about beating a dead horse. Go make some more music or get yourself a gig on a mini-series. Seriously.

Anyhoo, as usual, we digress. Mr. Wilson's big, big house has just come on the market and as of this morning, there are not any additional photos available. But we'll keep looking and pop them up when we get them.

But before we sign off, we have to mention that we have a minor beef with the listing agents at Prudential. Both agents, Judy Cycon and Joseph Babajian, are steller agents with many huge and complicated deals under their belts. In fact Babajian is The Spice Gurl's real estate agent. But Your Mama is troubled by all that abbreviating in the listing description. A little we can live with, but this thing is practically written in another language.

Now, we've got to get our bitches Linda and Beverly out for their morning constitution.

Sources: BrianWilson.com

More News About Big Hair in the Hamptons

RENTER: Howard Stern and Beth Ostrosky
LOCATION: Meadow Lane, Southampton, NY
PRICE: A shocking amount, you can be sure
SIZE: 4.4 acres, 6,000 square feet, 6 bedrooms, 6.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Striking Contemporary situated on 4 +/- acres with 200 ft. of ocean frontage, sited to command 360 degree views of ocean and bay. Designed by Norman Jaffe and custom built by David Webb, this designer house consists of 6 bedrooms and 6 � baths, sunken living room, dining room, bar, gunite pool with spa and sunken tennis court.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Ooo-weee! All the children know how much Your Mama has enjoyed the saga of Big Hair as he hops house to house around the Hamptons while his own ocean front behemoth in Southampton is under construction. And today NY Post's Braden Keil brings us a juicy update in his Gimme Shelter column.

As you may recall, after Big Hair and soon to be wifey sold their ocean front spread in Amagansett they took a long term lease on Terry Allen Kramer's gigantic house at the bottom of Murray Lane in Southampton. But Ms. Kramer, who spends more time at her outrageously huge estate in Palm Beach, sold the house recently for a reported $34,000,000. So Big Hair and soon to be wifey were booted and on the road again.

According to Keil, the peripatetic couple have rented a Norman Jaffe designed ocean front mansion a couple miles west from the Murray Lane property. The house currently owned by financiers Todd Morley and pal Chris Burch who purchased the house in June of 2005 for $14,000,000 and are trying to flip the thing for $25,000,000. If Your Mama has told the children once, we've told you a thousand times that flipping super high end real estate is just one way the rich get richer.

If y'all have some time, google Chris Burch and his estranged wifey Tory. Between Chris and Tory there are half a dozen children, some from previous relationships. A real life billionaire Brady Bunch sort of thing. These two are involved in an somewhat public and acrimonious dee-vorce and have tossed salacious accusations at each other that have been widely reported in New York tabs. Tory Burch, flavor of the month fashion designer and Upper East Side social climber who is forever denying she's a social climber, lives up in a sprawling 9,000 square foot spread at The Pierre in New York. Lately Tory's been seen around town with lady killer cyclist Lance Armstrong, who ev-er-ee one thought was dating Matthew McConaughey. Kidding, we're kidding children.

Anyhoo, boy Burch and Morley have had a difficult time unloading the property after putting the gigantic house back on the market in October of 2005. So they quietly put it out for a summer rental somewhere in the neighborhood of $800,000, a staggering sum of money by any standard for a Mad to Lad summer rental. No one is talking about what number Big Hair and soon to be wifey actually paid but likely they're paying somewhere in this neck of the woods for their extended lease.

If you're truly rich and busy, you commute to the Hamptons by helipcopter. And Big Hair and soon to be wifey may have chosen this location in part for its proximity to the Meadow Lane helipad where folks like Calvin Klein and Henry Kravis land when they commute to their weekend houses by helicopter.

But what does Your Mama think of the house? Ack! We have a lot of respect for Norman Jaffe, but this is not one of the the places that puts him at the top of the architectural heap. The house has nice amenities like a ocean side pool and a sunken tennis court, but Your Mama thinks this building looks more like an airport than a beach house.

We just hope Burch and Morley don't sell this one out from under Big Hair and soon to be wifey.

Sources: HREO, NY Post

Vondie Curtis Hall, King of the Hill

SELLER: Vondie Curtis-Hall and Kasi (Karen) Lemmons
LOCATION: Appian Way, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $3,595,000
SIZE: 3,188 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 4 bedrooms
DESCRIPTION: 360 degree city/valley ocean veiw from private 1-story crtyd. Spanish at the top of a very long gated section of Appian Way halfway between SSPlaza & Stanley Hills. 3+4 guesthouse & pool. All finished in best taste and style. Flat grassy yard. Meditation deck. Private pine forrest. Serene sancturary. Blissfully quiet. Like on other property on the market. Magnificent kit. master opens to pool. Up very long, sometimes narrow country lane, to true pvt. promontory.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Now babies, this Vondie Curtis Hall has a list of film and television credits a mile long, but somehow has not managed to break into the big time. Almost never does he appear is the celeb-rags like Star Magazine, and my crew certainly does not lay around the pool at The Raleigh in South Beach yakking about him.

And that's probably a crying shame because this Julliard trained ack-tor has a great smile and some serious acting chops. He's even been nominated for a couple Emmys and had recurring roles on a few very popular programs from the 1990s such as Chicago Hope and ER. We don't recall him from back in those days because Your Mama does not care for the hospital dramas. We do not need to see people wretch blood, scream bloody murder, or get sliced open by an arrogant and troubled middle-aged doctor who impregnated an 22-year old intern while screwing down in the morgue. Please.

Like a lot of well-trained ack-tor types, Vondie has an itch to get behind the camera where he can call all the shots and work out his creativity. And he's got a few credits to his credit such as the critically acclaimed Gridlock'd starring the dead Tupac Shakur. But he also di-rected pop diva Mariah Carey in her monumental celluloid tragedy Glitter. Oh lawhd children, remember that piece of cinematic terlit paper? That movie was so awful it never even made into the lexicon of movies considered so bad they're good like that ridiculously lurid Showgirls film. No wonder poor Mariah had a breakdown in a penthouse suite at the Tribeca Grand Hotel. The backlash from Glitter was wicked, harsh and had very, very sharp claws. And that was before the movie was even released.

Anyhoo, Vondie and his lady Kasi Lemmons are selling their perch at the top of the Hollywood Hills which the couple purchased October of 2001. The house and property have staggering and vertigo inducing views due to it's location on the apex of Appian Way. It appears the couple either has good taste or they hired themselves a nice gay decorator to drive all the way up the hill to help them with their furniture selections. And Your Mama couldn't be more pleased to see actual books in the house.

Because it can get a little windy on the top of The Hills, Your Mama appreciates the swimming pool is tucked into a courtyard where we could sun our prodigious buns and not worry about our weave being ripped off by a particularly swift chinook.

We're not sure what that tent-like contraption is, but we're thrilled it's bolted into the rock on which it's sitting. We imagine that is a lovely spot to ponder nature and the complex and ugly world of the film and television business.

All the children surely know Your Mama loves the guest house. There is nothing better than being able to stash the guests out in a casita of their own where we don't have to listen to them burp, fart and fornicate all night.

The house, because of it's extreme privacy, would be perfect for a paparazzi hounded celebrity like Lindsay Lohan. Your Mama understands the troubled young ack-tress is indeed looking for a place to purchase and call home. But upon further thought we reconsidered. Unfortunately there is just no way La Lohan could get manage to pilot her Mercedes up and down that twisty and narrow road at 4am after a long night of drinking water at Winston's. And no one wants to see this gal go the way of Princess Grace of Monaco, may she rest in peace.

No doubt some less erratic industry type with a clean driving record will buy this property. But we have a sneaking and dark suspicion the current house will be knocked down and replaced with something gargantuan, glossy and theatrical. That would be a shame if anyone were to ask Your Mama, which of course, no one did.

Emma Bloomberg's New York Nest

BUYER: Emma Bloomberg and Christopher Fressora
LOCATION: 62 Beach Street, New York City
PRICE: $2,450,000
SIZE: 1,683 square feet, 2 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: New to the market, this charming 2BR/2bth, 1683 SF loft at the Fischer Mills Condominium features 2 magnificent brick archways, high beamed ceilings and windows in every room. The Poggenpohl Kitchen with Viking range and farm-style sink is flooded with south light and opens to the LR which overlooks historic Beach Street. W/D. Central A/C.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: In case y'all missed it, Max Abelson, who writes the Manhattan Transfers column for the New York newspaper the New York Observer, thoughtfully referenced Your Mama and our little blog today in his story about Mariska Hargitay selling off her Beach Street penthouse.

Speaking of Beach Street, this cozy second floor condominium on Beach Street was bought by none other than Emma Bloomberg, the elder daughter of New York City's billionaire mayor Michael Bloomberg. And to bring things full circle, the purchase was first reported by Mister Max Abelson in his most recent column, the very same one he mentioned Your Mama.

It's perhaps sad commentary on the state of popular culture that we've come to expect that all American heiresses act like vagina bearing publicity slut Paris Hilton and live in big glammy mansions with leopard print carpeting as does snotty Casey Johnson. But they don't. Just look at Miss Emma who is up at Harvard earning herself a double master's degree in business and public administration.

Are all the children impressed? You should be. So should Miz Hilton and Johnson who appear to rely only on their family name and fat pocketbooks to get them what they want. Your Mama thinks it's sad, nay pa-theh-tick, that girls like Miz Hilton and Johnson have access to all that money and choose not to pursue any sort of higher education or cultural knowledge. That might be hypocritical of someone who writes about the incredibly banal and useless subjects of real estate and celebrities. But Your Mama actually reads the newspaper, has a degree in Victorian literature AND we're not an heiress with a recognizable family name. Or are we?

Anyhoo, Your Mama, clearly a pop culture victim, remains puzzled by the relative modesty of Emma's New York crib. After all, her daddy is the 44th richest man in America with a net worth in excess of $5 billion. Certainly he could have afforded to help her purchase something a wee bit more impressive, right? Something on a higher floor with an itty bitty terrace might make a bit more sense to us. Why, even Your Mama lives in a larger apartment with more bedrooms and bathrooms than this place.

Over all, we think the apartment is nicely resolved if a bit pinched in the living/dining room. The winged bedrooms are dee-vine and the laundry placement works for us. The large kitchen has plenty of counter space and the open layout works great for hosting a dinner party. And who doesn't love a Poggenpohl kitchen? We do notice and appreciate the balcony in the entrace hall, but unfortunately it's really too small to be useful. The apartment seems to have plenty of windows...although we are concerned about the lack of light and excessive noise in a second floor apartment.

Miss Emma, when your and huzband get to New York be sure to give us a ringy-dingy so we can pop over with a lovely little housewarming gift for your modest new home.

Sources: NY Observer, Hello Magazine, Forbes

More Real Estate Madness from Posh and Becks

All the UK papers are screaming and shouting that Sexy and The Spice Gurl have finally found their California Shangri-la. The Daily Mail reports the peripatetic duo have made a $20,000,000+ offer for a house on Stradella Road in Bel Air that once belonged to Meg Ryan.

So lickety split we called up our pal Montgomery Clift who knows the house because she's been in the house. Great views, screening room, 6,877 square feet, heavy duty security, five bedrooms, 7 bathrooms, attached guest house for the staff.

But Monte also says that while the house is quite nice and the neighborhood stellar, she thinks the immigrants would be overpaying by millions for the house if they paid upwards of $20 million. And Monte would know. Bitch grew up in a Bel Air mansion and sells them for a living.

All we've got to say, is we hope these two buy this damn house so Your Mama can get some rest. Even though the Spice Gurl is working on a reality show about her boring self (natch), Your Mama predicts that when the eagle has finally landed and these two get moved to Los Angeles no one will pay any attention to them. Fame is ugly that way.

More to come if we can bear it.

Dan Marino in Fort Lauderdale

SELLER: Dan Marino
LOCATION: 3415 Stallion Lane, Weston, Fl
PRICE: $14,500,000 (reduced from $15,900,000 after more than one year on the market)
SIZE: 19,496 square feet, 10 bedrooms, 12 full and 2 half bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Located on the private, gated suburban community of Windmill Ranch Estates, Fort Lauderdale, this spectacular Mediterranean estate sits on 4.3 acres of prime land. Surrounded by water, this luxurious residence offers expansive interiors and lush outdoor sites for entertaining, and it's ideal as a private retreat. This 15,053 sq. ft. Mediterranean residence offers incredible features throughout. With top of the line finishes and intricate details, this property features a total of 10 bedrooms and 12 & 2 half baths. A wine cellar, media room, over sized gourmet kitchen with breakfast nook, a formal dining room, and 2 separate guest houses complete with all amenities. The exterior grounds offer unique features with a resort like feel. A luxurious heated pool with marble and mosaic inlays, a waterfall Jacuzzi spa surrounded by a beautiful pergola and sitting area with wood burning fireplace, volleyball court, putting green and a tranquil lake offer an extremely private and relaxing oasis.

Your Mama wants all the children to be sure and check out the video of the property which can be linked to from the property listing.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Children, surely y'all remember Fiona Trambeau, our potty mouthed pal out in San Francisco who has consulted on some of our postings about sports figures. When we told her we were going to be discussing ex-Miami Dolphin Dan Marino's tremendous estate just outside of Ft. Lauderdale, she begged, pleaded and, strangely, sent us photos of her indecently manicured hoo-ha in order to convince us to let her write up the post. Anyone who reads our blog knows Fiona is capital "N" nasty so all you prudes, Christians, and teenagers should proceed and read at your own risk because as is customary for Miss Trambeau, she spent more time discussing lewd and possibly illegal sexual acts than the real estate.

Freedom for the Stallion by Fiona Trambeau

Has there ever been a more apt sounding address in the annals of pro football meeting up with real estate than 3415 Stallion Lane? Why just writing it down makes me dewy-legged and reaching for the hem of my own garment. But what really shakes me to the core is imagining the very plausibly hefty-cocked Dan Marino being needled into sex in a room his wife has carefully drowned in pillow shams and gold brocade sheets from a Bed, Bath and Beyond display window. A window, I’m sure, nestled very conveniently within one of the thrilling malls in Broward County. For those not in the know, that’s where Fort Lauderdale is. And Fort Lauderdale is now “where the boys are,” as many of the self-respecting homos have left Miami to take up a more traditional existence in that neighboring town.

Danny’s $73,000 a month home confirms something I’ve seen time and time again … that the professional male athlete has certain needs outside of the gridiron that draw them to choose wives that cluck over excessive architecture and make questionable interior decorating choices. I shudder at what Mrs. Piazza might be foisting on my beloved, Mike.

But back to the task at hand. Why, I ask myself, would a former Miami Dolphin—who wore the very apt number “13” on his jersey—with perhaps the quickest release and one of the strongest arms in football history mire himself in 19, 546 square feet of tedious beige and green mediocrity? There can be no other answer except “Wifey.” In this case, Claire Marino.

One has to wonder why anyone might need this much space. However, I imagine that the two extra guest-houses might come in handy. Especially when it’s time for stashing the illegal alien help from the pesky “federales.”

With the exception of the wine room—where it is easy for a gal like me to imagine myself splayed over boxes of a very, and I mean very dry Reisling while wearing nothing but one of Dan’s vintage jerseys rolled up cowl-necked as he works on his fabled release drills—it is truly a house of horrors.

Dan may look like a baby-faced Methodist carrying a big secret, but why does he choose to hide behind an exterior that wouldn’t be out of place in an upscale housing tract in Fresno, the armpit of California? From the 12 full bathrooms clear through to a living room that seems designed to soothe aristocratic southern alcoholics at a very expensive rest home, it is obvious to me that this is a home where sex only happens when the wife and kids are sleeping.

A professional hockey playing ex of mine once referred to my Joyeaux de le Matin as the Garden of Eden. And I've made a career of sorts out of knowing how to scamper along the parapets of ecstasy as silently as light reflecting off the smooth surfaces of a man made lake. So, if no one objects, I'll forgo Wisteria and just head on down to Stallion Lane after the little ones and the Marino Mrs. say their nightly prayers before drifting off in a haze of Ambien. I promise not to wake a soul while #13 enjoys his freedom by putting his gardening tool to the kind of expert and diligent use our good Lord intended. After all, we're all good Christians here!

Now, where's that "Do Not Disturb" sign because Miz Trambeau needs some time alone in her room with Marvin Gaye swinging sweetly on the stereo and visions of Danny boy dancing across my heaving body...

Sources: Sol Sotheby's International Realty, Wall Street Journal

Larry King, Man or Machine?

BUYER: Larry King / Shawn Southwick
LOCATION: N. Hillcrest Road, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $11,750,000 (sale price)
SIZE: 9,596 square feet, 7 bedrooms, 9 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Stunning remodeled Tuscan estate in the prestigious flats. Private and gated, offering unparalleled attention to detail and luxury. Towering sky lit foyer opens to elegant formal public rooms. Imported Italian limestone, tile, venetian plaster, and stat0of-the-art technology throughout. Grmt. kitchen w/ top-of-the line appliances and plasma TV. 5 bedrooms en suite upstairs, including master w/ separate sitting room & his & hers baths. Manicured lawns surround elegant swimmers pool & adj. gst. house.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: We can't help it. Larry King scares the bejesus out of us. Not only are we truly frightened by his not so savory past in Miami, but Your Mama thinks Larry looks like he died six years ago. We have convinced ourselves that a computer clicks and whirs underneath that paper thin skin and those too big horned rim glasses. Have the children ever been to Disneyland and seen that cock-a-mamie exhibit about Abraham Lincoln where he's brought to life by some sort of animatronic miracle? Well, that display gave Your Mama nightmares as a child and it is no different when we come across Larry King on the boob tube. We have to flip that channel quick or we know we're going to be tossing and turning all night dreaming of the walking and talking dead.

King, who has been married seven times to six women, is currently betrothed to the much younger Shawn Southwick. In 1999 and 2000, perhaps with the help of Viagra, King and Southwick became the proud parents of two bouncing baby boys. Ever since they've been on an exhaustive search for a new and larger home. Apparently their current home, located at 628 N. Canon in the flats of Bev Hills, is simply not large enough at 7,000 square feet. The new place, just 8 blocks from the old one, is much larger and more grand with more than 9,500 square feet. That should be plenty of room for the retinue of nannies, maids, and nurses.

One of our friendly tipsters in Los Angeles, in this case the exquisite Elizabeth Taylor, recently sent us the listing sheet for Larry and Shawn's new house. While one is not shown on the listing, Your Mama sincerely hopes there is an elevator somewhere inside this mega-mansion. Seriously folks, let's be realistic. How much longer will septuagenarian Larry be able to get up and down that ridiculously opulent double staircase on his own? And no one wants to see one of those freaky chair lift contraptions installed on the stairs because it would completely ruin the Venetian plaster on the walls.

The his and her bathrooms in the master suite are a definite bonus feature for this couple. Your Mama imagines Shawn does not care to be constantly reminded how old Larry is by having to see all the handrails and other aids for the elderly that will need to be installed in his bathroom. The separate bathrooms will allow her to poop in peace and denial.

Overall Your Mama finds this place to be a snoozy run of the mill Beverly Hills mansion. Big, nicely located, and probably a high quality renovation, but a total sleeper. Maybe after Shawn has nice gay decorator come in and snazzy the place up it won't look like a big beige bore.

But then again, what does Your Mama know? Evidently this house was a hot commodity and was only on the market for a short couple of weeks with an asking price of $11,995,000 before Larry and Shawn snapped it up. Elizabeth Taylor tells Your Mama the house will be closing soon for a purchase price of $11,750,000.

Sources: Real Estate Journal, LA Times

Madonna Madness

Children, all of New York is abuzz about the possible return of the prodigal daughter. Reports have Madonna scouring the Upper East Side in search of a townhouse to call home.

We also hear, from the West Coast, that Madonna is negotiating with Sexy and the Spice Gurl to sell them her big estate up above Sunset Boulevard. We wonder about this as we've also heard the soon to be immigrants are most likely to hole up in a few bungalows at the Beverly Hills Hotel.

Only time will tell where everyone lands, but in the meantime, head on over to our pals at Radar Online for more on the material mommy and her quest for the perfect Manhattan manse.

The 1980s Tomb of Loni Anderson

SELLER: Loni Anderson
LOCATION: Clerendon Road, Beverly Hills Post Office, CA
PRICE: $5,975,000
SIZE: 6,911 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 6.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Dramatic 2-story entry, wood-paneled library, gracious living rm, formal dining room & huge family room w/wet bar & beveled glass French doors throughout. Granite counter island kitchen w/butler's pantry, luxurious master suite w/sitting area and dual bathrooms, FP & terrace w/amazing views. Private yard w/outdoor wet bar, pool, spa & spectacular views.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Children, the first thing we want to tell you is that we have a soft spot in our hearts for Miss Loni Anderson. The first reason is that this poor lady had to lay down with and adopt a child with that freaky Burt Reynolds. And not the sexy, mustachioed and gum snapping Burt Reynolds from the early 1980s, but the broke down Burt Reynolds with the dyed black hair and smooth mover attitude he should have dropped long before he did.

Secondly we loved Loni's spot-on turn as Candy Spelling on Tori's amazingly funny show So noTORIous. Children, we don't mind telling you we cried for days when that show was cancelled. Your Mama loves Tori Spelling almost more than anyone else in Los Angeles.

But seriously, Loni hunny, that hair-do became a hair-don't back in 1987. Didn't anyone tell you? Your Mama would like to see you jump in your Jaguar and head on down to Frederic Fekkai and let him work that hair into the 21st century.

Could it really be any surprise to the children that lacquer haired Loni, who has scarcely changed one iota since she strutted her sexy stuff on WKRP in Cincinnati, would live up in a house that is embalmed in the 1980s the same way she is?

Your Mama is sorry to say, but besides the lovely, long view, there really isn't anything we like about this house. Sure, it's located in a secure, guard gated community. But it seems like all the celebrities are leaving this community...Tom Arnold recently sold his house, crooner Paul Anka, who lives three doors down from Loni, has his place on the market, as does Avril Lavigne, whose Mediterranean mess is six more doors down from Loni. Do the rich and famous know something about this neighborhood that we don't? Why doesn't anyone want to live up in this 'hood anymore?

There are a few items Your Mama finds particularly offensive about Loni's crib and we would be remiss if we did not discuss them. The first is, of course, that snow white baby grand pie-ana in the entrance hall. A piano in an entrance hall is almost always a decorating no-no. Besides, does anyone actually play that thing? If little Quentin likes to tickle the ivories, please, please get the boy a black one and put it somewhere besides the entrance hall.

Let's move into the library. Is this supposed to look like a room in an English countryside manor? Well, Loni, Your Mama is sorry to say, it does not. The paneling we can tolerate, but that green carpet disturbs and upsets us so intensely it has our di-beet-us acting up. We know that forest green shit is supposed to make the place look all classy and horse-y, but darling, not even the English aristocracy do this anymore.

A fireplace in the master bath is a nice romantic feature particularly if you like to take furtive baths with your gardener when huzband is at work. Typically Your Mama has no problem with master bathrooms sheathed in acres marble, but Loni, hunny, you picked entirely the wrong marble here. Your Mama feels strongly that this color and pattern would be much better suited to a county court house and not the luxury lavatory of a Hollywood icon.

Listen gurl, we don't know where you are moving once you sell this big ol' house up in Mulholland Estates, but you should call Your Mama and let us help you find a nice gay decorator to do up your new house. Seriously. Call us.

Sources: Coldwell Banker

Peter Leak in Hancock Park

SELLER: Peter Leak
LOCATION: 400 S. Hudson Avenue, Los Angeles
PRICE: $6,995,000
SIZE: 5,718 square feet, 6 bedrooms, 9 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: On a beautifully manicured corner lot setting w/ soaring Sycamores and Elms, this handsome estate offers large scale public rms incl. LR + Lanai, Library, Formal Din rm plus huge Kit/Fam rm measuring 53’ x 26’ which serves as lifestyle center of the home. Grand Master Suite contains 6 rooms & Juliet balconies. 15 pairs of French drs overlook dramatic outdoor destinations inc. open- air Liv rm/Cabana w/ wine chiller, WDFP, wetbar & 60’ swimlane Pool. Luxury of space, privacy & refinement.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: One of our readers recently toured and then whispered in Your Mama's ear about this dignified and respectable residence which belongs to music manager Peter Leak. Peter Leak? Relax children, we did not know who Peter Leak is either until our friendly tattler clued us in. See folks Mister Leak works for a company called Nettwerk Management and he happens to be one of the managers for pop-punker Avril Lavigne. Remember her big McMansion? Who knew managing a teen queen singer is lucrative enough to buy and renovate a big fancy Hancock Park mansion.

In fact, this house is so freshly renovated Your Mama is not sure the paint is dry or that Mister Leak actually lives here. We are also not sure the square footage on file is accurate because we understand the house had a substantial addition put on the second floor at the back of the house during the renovation. So this behemoth could easily be closer to 7,000 square feet.

Children we are unsure if Mister Leak went out and hired a nice gay decorator to get up in there and work some classy fag magic or if this place has been staged by some lady in a Toyota Camry and an office in Culver City. At first we were certain the house was staged. The photos have an undeniable feeling of manufactured freshness, like the sofas have never been sat in. Can you feel that too hunnies? But then we looked a little closer and we see a fair number of "good" pieces of furniture like the imposing credenza and elegant chairs in the dining room and the ornately legged table in the entrance hall. Stager people don't usually use nice pieces like this. And even more telling, we can't find a painting of a big ol' pear anywhere in the house. Anyone who reads what Your Mama has to say knows that almost all rich and famous people whose houses get staged have a damn pear painting hanging up on the wall somewhere. Cher and Mariska Hargitay to name just two.

The exterior, both mannerly and manor-ly, reeks of that special sort of Los Angeles opulence that quietly screams "We're rich and we drive a Prius, but we also have a 7 Series BMW with tinted windows in the garage." This house might be understated on the outside, but make no mistake, it's baronial entrance hall was designed to impress all the guests, from the Chinese food delivery guy to the stick up her ass chairwoman of the homeowners favorite charity.

Because size really does matter, the kitchen/family room measure a staggering 1,400 square feet. This room alone is certainly larger than the maid's house and just about large enough for a roller rink. Another way to ensure the maid always knows her place...have more rooms in the master suite than she has in her entire house. Six damn rooms up in there. Surely that is enough square footage that the lady of the house need not ever come downstairs to fraternize with the children and staff.

We are concerned, as we often are, with the number of terlits in this house. Nine; More than there are days in the week. It will take the maid an entire Saturday just to scrub and polish all them poopers. Of course this necessitates having another girl come in that day to do the vacuuming and child rearing so the new homeowners should consider this when purchasing and calculating the monthly costs.

Our favorite feature of this house would be the pool. Your Mama can imagine being the proprietor of this dig-nee-fied house and spending all the warm winter afternoons out in the pool side cabana sipping heavily limed gin and tonics and touching the Guatemalan gardener in inappropriate ways.

Will The Real Avril Lavigne Please Stand Up

SELLER: Avril Lavigne
LOCATION: 3331 Clerendon Road, Beverly Hills Post Office, CA
PRICE: $6,200,000
SIZE: 6,864 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 6 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Fabulous 2 story entry way opens to the generous rooms of this luxurious home. Property features numerous outdr areas to suit any mood. Private N/S tennis court, pool, spa, BBQ area or relax in meditation garden. High vaulted ceilings throughout, hardwd flrs, French drs, fab kitchen w/every amenity needed to prepare a gourmet meal. Center island, granite counters.

YOUR MAMAS UPDATE: 03.25.07 / Priced reduced from $6,900,000 to $6,200,000

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: She spits at paparazzi, sometimes writes "Fuck You" when signing autographs, flips the bird at any camera pointed at her, and generally cultivates an image of a bellicose and bitchy teenager. But guess what children, Your Mama thinks Avril Lavigne is fronting. Under all that bad behavior and pop punk exterior Your Mama is quite sure beats the heart of a traditional young gurl who just wants to be a princess.

When the Canadian pop-rocker and Sum 41 front man Deryk Wibley were married last summer in Santa Barbara, the nuptials followed ev-er-ee standard convention those horrific bridal magazines push on rich young gurls. Big white Vera Wang dress. Check. Daddy walking his princess down the aisle. Check. White Rolls Royce? Check. Big diamond in a platinum setting. Check. Just about the only thing unconventional about this whole damn affair were the cute little guitar picks the couple gave to their guests imprinted with "Avril picked Deryk" and "Deryk picked Avril" in Gothic script. Please. If this bitch was really as crazy as she and her record company would have the world believe she'd have worn a skimpy black dress with white stilettos and puked all over her mama at the reception.

And that brings us to the McMansion Avril purchased in 2004 and in which she and Deryk have been living since their lavish yet uber-ordinary wedding day. Located up in the exclusive gated community of Mulholland Estates above Bev Hills, Avril's neighbors included hipsters like Paul Anka (who is selling his house), Tom Arnold (who recently sold his house), Judge Mathis, and the helmet-haired Loni Anderson. Your Mama has no issue with garden variety mansions when they belong to garden variety rich people. But we get upset and hot under the collar when someone young and tattooed lives up in one. Remember Travis Barker's suburban spread?

No doubt security was a serious issue when the young Miss Lavigne went house hunting. All those maniacal fans can be so pesky and frightening so a gated community like Mulholland Estates or The Summit seems an obvious if unispired choice of location. But seriously, Your Mama is quite sure we could have found something secure and private for Avril that was also interesting, stylish and befitting of a sassy singer gurl.

Maybe when the house was fully furnished it looked all Gothic and rocker chick? Perhaps Avril had big creepy candelabras with red candles and tons of cigarette burned velvet furniture. Or maybe the place was littered with beer cans and a bottle of Jack Daniels by the bed. Or just perhaps the house was worked over by a nice gay decorator who provided Avril with something sexy and sophisticated. Anything would be better than the paralyzing banality we see in the photos. Right children?

Seriously hunnies, there are only three things Your Mama likes about this house:

1. The swimming pool. It's really quite lovely, although we wonder if Avril ever sat out by the pool. Rebellious rock stars aren't supposed to have tans are they?
2. The tennis court. Your Mama likes to bang balls around, but we wonder if Avril ever used the thing. Can the children imagine her out there in tennis whites swinging a racket around? Us either.
3. The big closet. Now that's a closet all the children can drool over.

We imagine Avril decided to sell this house so that she and the new huzband could make a home of their own and it's obvious the couple have already moved from this house. Your Mama can only hope their new nest is more befitting of a couple of young and rebellious rock stars. But somehow we doubt that's the case.

So next time you see a picture of Mrs. Wibley giving the finger while dragged out in fishnets and a torn up t-shirt emblazoned with a skull, remember who she really is: A young rich gurl who lives in a McMansion and got married in a big white princess dress.

Next up: The Hancock Park home of Avril's manager Peter Leak.

Alexis Stewart: UPDATE

ANOTHER FREAKING UPDATE: Turns out it IS Alexis moving into the collection of apartments that reportedly have been combined into one humongo unit.

------------------

In late February, Your Mama and every other real estate column and blog reported that Alexis Stewart, daughter of Big Miss Martha Stewart, purchased three floors and $35,000,000 of real estate at 165 Charles Street, one of the green glass Richard Meier towers on the Hudson River in the West Village.

Well, it did sound strange that radio hostess Alexis would have the awesome amount of cash required to buy up all that square footage. And today Braden Keil at the NY Post explains why. Turns out, these apartments were not purchased by Alexis, but were bought by none other than Big Miss Martha herself.

This is not the first time the homemaking honcho has purchased in the Meier towers. Big Miss Martha purchased the duplex penthouse at 173 Perry Street for $6,100,000 but sold it in 2004 before ever moving in. Guess she's changed her mind about living downtown.

Thanks to Braden for clearing all that up.

Source: NY Post

Flea's Red Hot Malee-boo Manse

SELLER: Michael Balzary (Flea)
LOCATION: Sycamore Meadows Drive, Malibu, CA
PRICE: $4,800,000
SIZE: 4,882 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 4.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: A Malibu sanctuary, gated & nestled in the green belt at the end of Sycamore Meadows. Sweeping ocean views & commanding hillside scenery surround this majestic home. Set in a botanical paradise, this private 2.4 acre compound also features a newly refinished pool & spa, private alcoves & pathways thruout the grounds. The hm conveys a warm & solid feeling in its large living spaces, combining traditional & eclectic styles. Big bedrooms, high ceilings, large kitchen & rec studio.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Lawhd hunnies, it seems all the Chili Peppers are on the move in Los Angeles. Michael Balzary, the bass player for the Red Hot Chili Peppers who goes by the name Flea, and Chili Pepper front man Anthony Kiedis became fast friends after meeting at Fairfax High School in Los Angeles. They've been making beautiful music together ever since and their tremendous success has allowed them to buy and sell enormously expensive properties. We recently discussed Keidis' gor-gee-us house in Beverly Hills which you can read about here.

Back in December 2006 Ruth Ryon reported in her Hot Properties column that Chili Peppers bassist Flea and his model girlfriend Frankie Rayder recently purchased an ocean front home in Malee-boo. Property records indicate the couple paid $9,980, 099 in August of 2006 for the 2 acre property with a 2,700 square foot four bedroom three bathroom house. The property also includes a two bedroom guesthouse and additional 1 bedroom guest apartment. It's unclear to Your Mama whether both Balzary and Rayder share title to the new property, but it is understood they will both be living in the house raising their unusually named child Sunny Bebop.

However, the house Your Mama want to discuss today is Flea's old Malee-boo manse located up in the hills above the water. Bought in 2002 for about $2,500,000, the 2.41 acre property consists of two lots with the house tucked up a long, gated driveway. Children take note of the gates at the driveway. Did you notice the bull dogs statuettes on the pillars? Is that a cute bit of whimsy or an upsetting declaration of what's to come?

Your Mama was expecting big things when we went looking for this property. After being left breathless of Kiedis' house we were hoping Mr. Balzary might have hired the same gay decorator to do up his house. But alas. Instead we find a random assortment of furniture, most of which, quite frankly, looks like it was purchased at the flea market, no pun intended.

We can appreciate that Mr. Balzary, and by extension his model girlfriend Frankie, may not be concerned with fancy furniture and serious artwork. But babies, couldn't you have managed to at least clean up the damn house before the photographer showed up? We see the lines in the carpet in the bedroom, so we know Frankie ran a vacuum up in there, but what about all the clutter and the baby's toys on the floor in the living room?

Your Mama thinks the location and privacy of this property are stellar. The free form pool surrounded by trees and foliage looks like a lovely place to whittle away the days reading Sydney Sheldon novels and smoking a blunt. Even that swing thing up on the hill works as a peaceful place to watch the sun set. But hunnies, when the sun sets, grab the kiddies and get in inside where the mountain lions cain't smell you.

The kitchen passes muster having been recently renovated. It's a little ordinary perhaps, lacking in a certain something, but we absolutely approve of the choice for the big Viking range and the double dishwashers. But what is happening with that bathroom? We do not know what is worse, the flesh colored tile or the mauve sink and terlit and we won't even mention the brass accents on the shower. Lawhd children Your Mama would go insane if we had to be doing our dirty bizness up in this room. And, for all the obvious reasons, you can not send guests into a bathroom like this. Not if you would like them to be able to eat the dinner you spent all day slaving over.

The master bedroom is another abomination. What in the hell is going on in there? Your Mama could never sleep peacefully in a room with puke colored carpeting. We do appreciate the flat screen television for late night viewing of the addictive Wife Swap programs we TiVo. But we are not happy with the TV hanging down from the ceiling like this is some sort of hospital room. And Flea, baby, in a big ol' house like this, surely you could find another room for that ugly desk.

Because Your Mama does not like to be a hardcore hater, we're going to wrap this up with a couple of features about which we can be positive. The light fixture in the dining room is a spectacular tour de force with it's architectural shaping and complicated structure. Of course, we'd like it a bit better if it could be centered over the dining room table. And Your Mama totally loves that this artsy fartsy rocker/model couple prominently hang their child's artwork up on the walls as can be seen in the dining room. This touch of sweetness makes up for a lot of the mish mash of this house and clearly tells Your Mama this house is a home.

It does NOT however make up for that creepy bathroom.

Sources: LA Times, Pritchett-Rapf

Is TomKat Getting Ready To Do Manhattan?

LOCATION: The Dakota (1 West 72nd Street), New York City
PRICE: $25,500,000
SIZE: 4,000 square feet (approx.), 4 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms
(Note: The floor plan shows 3 bedrooms, 3 full and 2 half bathrooms)
DESCRIPTION: (reduced from the listing agent's website) The glorious residence embodies the very essence of sophistication and luxury living encompassing four bedrooms, four full bathrooms, grand great room, library, formal dining room and state of the art windowed kitchen with a breakfast room. The dramatically proportioned great room with original wood fireplace and enchanting park views is ideal for entertaining. The master bedroom suite features original window details, a fireplace, lavish master bathroom and dressing room.

YOUR MAMAS UPDATE: The NY Post reports that TomKat and Kitten are moving into a new house in Los Angeles...a compound no less. Seems the owner of house on Alpine Drive in Beverly Hills that The Cruiser has long rented (yes, rented) is wanting to sell the property. Your Mama puts some feelers out to see if we could catch wind of anything about their West Coast wheeling and dealing.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Your Mama wanted to leave the children with another tidbit before we get on with our busy day. Remember, we'll be back with another rock star residence later today.

Ev-er-ee-bodee has surely heard the deafening rumor that TomKat is in the process of snagging a large apartment at The Dakota, one of New York's most famous and exclusive buildings. Word on the street is that they are buying composer Leonard Bernstein's old apartment which has been on the market for $25,500,000. Read all about it and see the photos and floor plan over at the sassy Radar Online.

The Bernstein apartment is a likely bet, but there is another large, fourth floor apartment that has been on the market that could also be a contender.

Oddly enough Your Mama was actually in the Bernstein apartment many years ago before the the family sold it to the current owners. Long story, and not much to report other than the place is glorious with gargantuan rooms and more fireplaces than fingers on your left hand.

Another Posh Place

LOCATION: N. Alpine Drive, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $14,950,000
SIZE: 7,780 square feet, 6 bedrooms, 7 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: This breathtaking and astonishing estate offers unparalleled unique design. Towering foyer with a regal staircase with wrought-iron detailing. Venetian plaster walls, Lofty ceilings throughout, magnificent heated marble and exotic hardwood floors unique chandeliers.Kingly Master suite,4 add bedrms, maids suite.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Children, Your Mama has a crazy morning but we wanted to give you a morsel or two before we run out the door. Later today we will be bringing you another rock star residence, but in the meantime enjoy this virtual tour of one of the many mansions The Spice Gurl has looked at on her quest for the perfect LA pad.

This happens to be the property Tom Cruise suggested she look at. It also happens to be just down the street from the large estate TomKat and their kitten Suri call home which is all the better for Cruise's continued quest to convert the The Spice Gurl and Sexy in to Scientologists. Or at least that's what all the tabs have been saying.

However, Your Mama spoke with someone in the know who gave us a different spin on why the Crusier seems so focused on the Beckhams and it ain't because he's trying to convert them to Scientology. Discuss.

Whatever the case, word in Bev Hills says the Beckhams nixed this full on Beverly Hills glamorama freak out of a house. Too bad. Your Mama can imagine the scene here: Sour Puss wearing her big bug eyed sunglasses perched one of these shiny chairs in the dining room pretending to eat; The Cruiser begging Sexy to go kick a soccer ball around with him in the backyard; Kate sitting quietly as she puts teeny tiny pieces of lettuce in her mouth; The children somewhere else, preferably in another house, with all the nannies and wet nurses...

Seymour of Jane's Houses and Flips

SELLER: Jane Seymour and James Keach
LOCATION: 27525 Winding Way, Malibu, CA
PRICE: $12,995,000
SIZE: 8,435 square feet, 7 bedrooms, 6 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Sunrise & Sunset w/ spectacular views of Point Dume from the Mediterranean villa on a gated private appx. 6 acres knoll compound. Screening room, lrge gym/family rm w/ bath, state of the art kitchen, w/frpl, mstr w/ private balcony, his/her walk-in closets & sitting rm. 3000 sqft wrap around decks, spectacular pool w/ pool hse w/ bar. 2nd hse w/ separate driveway & entrance. state of the art security w/ cameras. Permits ready to go to remodel 3000 sq. ft. gst house.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Another star is flipping out in Malee-boo. Your Mama received a tip on this property by a friendly tattler who visited this property recently and through property records confirmed this sprawling ocean view estate above Malee-boo belongs to mini-series queen Jane Seymour and her huzband James Keach.

Seymour, the queen of the 1980s mini series, has branched out and turned herself into the cameo queen making brief appearances on many television programs such as "How I Met Your Mother" and most recently on "In Case of Emergency." Seemingly tireless, Seymour also raises twin boys, writes children's books, paints portraits and flowers, designs a line of children's apparel that can be bought at Saks, and she even has her own line of lighting and linens. She's an official spokesperson for UNICEF and she hosted an infomercial for her "Natural Advantage" anti-aging system. And now she's flipping houses. All this is no less than Your Mama would expect from the overachieving Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman.

The Malibu couple, who live up in Malibu's Coral Canyon area (see pics below), purchased this home in early 2004 from James' brother, the actor Stacy Keach, for around $4,500,000. Stacy Keach, the hair lipped heart throb with a big mustache, is best known for his roll on television as Mike Hammer and his tawdry drug bust at Heathrow airport in the late 1980s where he was caught with huge amounts of coke...enough to do several months time in jail.

Stacy Keach owned this property for nearly 25 years. By all accounts when Seymour and her huzband bought the property it was wreckage. One report says they put an impressive $5,000,000 into the gut renovation. They did a serious clean up of the property including taking down a forest of trees, installing acres of rolling lawns, gutting the interior, ripping out and re-doing the kitchen and baths. The house was staged (thankfully, no pear paintings) and put back up for sale at $16,000,000 in February of 2006. The price was eventually reduced to just under $13,000,000 and according to the listing information has gone to contract.

The most prominent feature of the house, the octagonal turret, speaks to the history of the house. Because of it's vantage point on a knoll with tremendous views up and down the coastline, the property was used as a Coast Guard look out during World War II. The military provenance might appeal to some, but it just scares the bejeezus out of Your Mama. Hopefully this property has been removed from target lists.

The exterior of the house appears a little disjointed to Your Mama looking like several buildings have been mashed together. None the less we very much appreciate the guest units above the garage and even more we appreciate the second house on the property with its own driveway at the back of the property. This way the staff and myriad of assistants can come and go in their beat up Hondas and Saturns without the homeowner having to see them parked in front of the big house reminding them of how little the they are paying their people.

The biggest issue we have with this property is the location of the swimming pool. The view from the pool and pool deck is undeniably gorgeous. But the damn thing is in the front yard and sits waaaay too close to the drive court. We're concerned what would happen if the maid let a visitor get up the drive without warning us. Your Mama does not need any visitors strolling across the lawn while we sun our nekkid body by the pool sucking on a Popsicle.

We understand the Seymour/Keach's most likely chose to keep the pool deck open to the drive court to preserve the view and to impress guests before they even get out of the car. But seriously, a little screening between the pool and the driveway would go a long way to making the property feel more protected and private. Besides, who wants to be sitting by the pool with the butt end of your Mercedes right behind you getting ready to spray you with exhaust?

More photos of this house can be seen on the extensive virtual tour, although we suspect the tour will be removed shortly after the property transfers.

As we mentioned, Seymour and her huzband live up the Pacific Coast Highway a bit from this property in a house in the Coral Canyon Area. It is here they raise their twin sons and host the other 4 children and step children. This family is practically the Brady Bunch. Your Mama was able to find a few not very good photos of their house that we're putting below. Your Mama has no comment on that depressing bedroom.


Seymour and Keach also own a large and lavish estate in Bath called St. Catherines Court. The property, purchased in 1994, was meticulously restored and because they don't spend a great deal of time on the property, the 12+ bedrooms can be rented out like a hotel. Strange but true, the house was also used in music videos for both Radiohead and The Cure. For a large fee no doubt. The property has it's own website which, honestly, we find a little self-serving for our tastes. It's clearly being marketed as an opportunity to stay in a celebrity owned home and there's even an entire page of photos of the couple futzing about in the gardens. That's just too much self promotion if you ask Your Mama, which of course, no one did.

Sources: The Real Estate Bloggers, Celebrity Parents, HGTV

Travis Barker, Suburban Denizen

BUYER: Travis Barker
LOCATION: The Oaks development, Calabasas
PRICE: $9,500,000
SIZE: 10,198 square feet, 7 bedrooms, 7.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Sited on 1.5 acres, this magnificent new, one story estate is a showcase of quality and craftsmanship...features include 7 en-suite bedrooms, 7.5 baths, guest house, home theatre, game room, outdoor entertaining pavilion, complete with barbecue center, adjoining mosaic pool, spa, rolling lawns and fountains. Amenities include inlaid stone floors, Venetian plaster walls, hand carved moldings, imported granite & marble counters, vaulted & barreled ceiling and refrigerated wine cellar, all behind guarded gates, on a quite cul-de-sac.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Good grief children, Your Mama is always surprised that anyone would want to live out in the boondocks of Calabasas, let alone a rich and famous rock star. But Your Mama may be an island on this one. Turns out super suburban Calabasas lays claims to some of Los Angeles' most expensive housing developments including The Estates at The Oaks where, as reported by Ruth Ryon in the LA Times Hot Properties column, Travis Barker, former Blink-182 drummer, has purchased a new home.

Calabasas, as the children may recall, is the same community where big blond dummy Jessica Simpson and her cheesy huzband Nick Lachey lived and filmed their hugely successful, but exceedingly embarrassing reality program. Of course, they're dee-vorced now and that house was sold to the teenage real estate tycoon and Malcom in the Middle actor Justin Berfield.

Anyhoo, the heavily tattooed Travis first became famous banging the drums for the quasi-punk gone mainstream band Blink-182. He made mountains of cash, married Beauty Queen Shanna Moakler, bought a big house in Bel Air, and started making babies.

This was back when everyone who wasn't really anyone in Los Angeles wanted a reality show like Nick and Jessica's to catapult them to fame and fat bank accounts. This couple was able to convince MTV to bring their cameras over to their big house in Bel Air where they filmed Meet the Barkers, a reasonably successful reality show about their deeply uninteresting lives.

Poor Travis. He really seems like a nice fellow. But, this Pageant Queen Shanna Moakler really gets Your Mama's hackles up. She is nothing but trouble with a capital "T." Whenever we tuned into their show all Your Mama could think was, gurl, get a damn job. And not one where you parade around in a bikini and a tiara. Or one where you get nekkid and let some pervert take pictures of you.

In 1995, Moakler, a small town girl with big boobies and a pretty face, became Miss USA by default after the original winner won the Miss Universe pageant. Moakler went on to lay up with and get engaged to boxer Oscar de la Hoya. They had a baby. But don't you know they didn't get married and she filed a $62 million palimony suit. $62 million dollars! Next she took all her clothes off for Playboy and attracted the attention of tattooed Travis, who we're sure initially just wanted to pork her. Somehow romance bloomed and the two were married, pushed out a couple kiddies, and made more domestic hysteria than can be seen on Your Mama's favorite daytime soap Passions.

After less than two years, these two split and Travis filed for dee-vorce. A very, very public battle ensued. Travis and the Pageant Queen waged a juvenile and jaw dropping war of words through their MySpace pages. Now, children, what could be more disturbing and humiliating than multi-millionaires taking pot shots at each other on MySpace? Seriously, they should be ashamed of themselves. Shanna then threw herself a big dee-vorce party in Las Vegas which she made sure was covered by all the tabloids by featuring a pink cake with a blonde bride on top and a decapitated groom lying in a pool of blood at the bottom. This is one classy bitch, right children?

Things got even uglier when it was rumored that tattooed Travis was fooling around with air-brained Paris the Heiress. When Shanna heard about this development, she jumped up in her big Range Rover and tore down to Hollywood hot spot Hyde where she and Hilton had a screaming match, slapped each other silly, and subsequently filed police reports about the incident. Shanna was not about to give up this fight and went on to make even more catty remarks about Paris. When Shanna was asked what she had to say to Paris, she said, "She should take her Valtrex." Mee-ow!

Word on the gossip street is that tattooed Travis and the Pageant Queen are in the throws of reconciliation. Figures. They've been spotted making out in public places but continue to deny the rekindling of their "love." Do we smell more publicity stunting?

Normally we like to discuss the real estate, but clearly, the hysterics of these two are far more interesting than the big and boring suburban house Travis just purchased. So we're going to leave it at that and all the children can decide for themselves what they think of this house.

What Your Mama wants to know is when does Shanna move in so the games can begin again?

Sources: LA Times, X17, Perez Hilton, Luxe Life with Robin Leach

Is Bon Jovi SoHo Bound?

BUYER: Jon Bon Jovi
LOCATION: 158 Mercer (The New Museum Building), New York City
PRICE: $26,500,000 (maintenance and taxes / $9,350 per month)
SIZE: 7,437 square feet, 6 bedrooms, 6.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: (considerably shortened from the listing agent's website) Located on the best street in the New Museum building, Soho's premiere, landmarked, full service pre-war condominium, this imposing duplex is located on the highest floor in Soho...The upper level contains the entertaining rooms (with a wood burning fireplace) with walls of windows that flood the apartment with light...Terraces of unparalleled proportions leading off the entertaining room and Master Suite make this property truly world-class...This floor [lower level] is notable for its unique, over-sized arched windows, & also houses a laundry room, 2 powder rooms & a 2nd kitchen.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Guess Mister Bon Jovi is looking to move up in the world of New York City real estate. Earlier this week, Braden Keil of the New York Post reported that this getting to be over the hill hair band honcho is rumored to be negotiating for the spectacular duplex penthouse at the vaunted New Museum Building in Soho.

The Mercer Street building is no stranger to heavy hitter residents. Fabien Baron, fashion photographer, magazine designer, marketing master and the man known for art directing Madonna's infamous Sex book, lives on one of the lower floors. Hotelier and Uma Thurman loving Andres Balasz has been trying to unload his $10,000,000 10th floor apartment and of course, everyone knows that Marci Klein, daughter of Calvin and seasoned SNL producer, lives on the 11th floor in a space that rumors say she leases from David Geffen.

All the children surely remember that Mister Bon Jovi has been desperately trying to lease or sell his rather disappointing and (if anyone asks Your Mama) over-priced apartment at the Park Millennium Tower on the Upper West Side where Big Hair (Howard Stern) and that disturbing Regis Philbin also have apartments.

The penthouse Mister Bon Jovi is interested has a hefty price tag at $26,500,000. But children, just look a the floor plan and photographs. This place is gor-gee-us. Your Mama is lucky enough to live well in New York City, but sometimes we forget people live this damn well in a city full of rat infested tenements and $5,000 one bedroom dumps.

Max Abelson of the NY Observer wrote about his penthouse back in January and his report states this sky palace is owned by venture capitalist William Kriegel, the man who bought and developed the building. In Abelson's report, the listing agent, uber agent Leonard Steinberg is quoted saying Kriegel "bought the whole building to get the penthouse." Steinberg goes on to say that Kriegel is not a developer but that he also developed the Prince Street penthouse Rupert Murdoch sold to fashion designer Elie Tahari in late 2005 for the stunning price of $24,675,000.

Clearly if you want to be living in a Soho penthouse, you better have some serious cash. We still find it strange all these rich and famous folks want to be living up in Soho. This neighborhood, particularly on the weekends, is chock full of gawking tourists and middle brow shoppers from everywhere but New York City. Soho used to be this cool downtown neighborhood with loads of artists homesteading in cast iron loft buildings. But now it's just a mall. For Christ sake, there's a fucking Pottery Barn. And Sephora. Old Navy. And even a bloody Bloomingdales where the Canal Street Jean Company once was. Please. You couldn't pay Your Mama to live in Soho and be dealing with all these creepy crawly tourist shoppers day in and day out.

Don't get Your Mama wrong, we go to Soho too...we all need some cheap-o rags from H&M and some good Asian eats at Kelley and Ping...but living there is a whole other operation. Obviously, given all the recent big name residential developments down in Soho we may be in the margins about living in this neck of the woods.

Anywhoo, this place has been written up left and right already, so enjoy the photos and floor plan. Your Mama will be back on Monday with some more candy for the children.

Bye now.

Sources: New York Post, NY Observer

The Red Hot House of Anthony Kiedis

SELLER: Anthony Kiedis
LOCATION: Davis Drive, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $6,997,000
SIZE: 4,294 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 6 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: On one of the rare 3 acre knolls in BHPO, this tour de force celeb property is Tuscan in style, w/ panoramic vus from every vantage point yet accomplishing privacy. 5 bedrooms, 6 bathrooms, 6 fireplaces, roman pool and spar and spectacular indoor/outdoor flow, Bell tower, grand cordon bleu kitchen w/ sweeping views, large scale ceiling heights and one of the most romantic master suites in Southern Cal. A breathtaking opportunity to purchase this beautiful villa near the best of everything Beverly Hills has to offer.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: If Your Mama is being honest with the children, we would tell you we done peed our pants when we came across this house. The listing for this house proudly declares it's celebrity ownership. However, property records do not list anybody famous. After some investigation, and a call to one of Your Mama's well connected little spies in the Bev Hills, we have been able to determine that this house does indeed belong to Anthony Kiedis, the sexed up front man for The Red Hot Chili Peppers.

He may have been born in Michigan, but Kiedis is pure Los Angeles rock star, right down to the red string he's been wearing around his wrist lately. That's right hunnies, kabbalah. Do the kabbalists have a celebrity center like those Scientologist people?

Mister Kiedis' reputation as a lady lover is legendary. In addition to all the no-name tartlets and groupies, there was Ione Skye, teeny tiny Sofia Coppola, big tall Heidi Klum, and even the bawl-headed Sinéad O'Conner just to name a few. But, according to a recent article in Blender, there's a new gurl, a much, much younger gurl in this rock star's life that has him wanting to settle down and make babies.

This tattooed 44-year old hot rod with the jaw dropping body of a 26 year old recently begun co-habitating with "model" Heather Christie. Heather recently turned 20 years old. Old enough to vote, but not old enough to drink in a bar. It's really such a cliche isn't it? Aging rock star dating a "model" who is just out of her teens. Your Mama wishes these two well. We do. But babies, if you're reading this, Your Mama recommends waiting a year or two before producing progeny. Don't act ignorant with Your Mama, you know why we suggest you wait. Please don not go birthing babies just to prove you have conquered your demons and are prepared to be a daddy and a teenage mother. It's all about the children.

Kiedis only purchased this house in June of 2004. Your Mama thinks he paid around $4,800,000. Don't go blabbing that number to yer friends or the press, because the property records are a bit vague so we aren't positive that's accurate. We can only speculate on why Kiedis is selling this magnificent house. Your Mama suspects it may have something to do with the teenage girlfriend not wanting to live up in a house that has even a whisper of Kiedis' extremely active bachelorhood. Why else would a man move from a house he bought through a trust called Happy House?

One of the features Your Mama likes best about his house is it's tremendous privacy and security which makes it the perfect home for a seclusion seeking celebrity. The house, located on a dead end road up above Benedict Canyon and tucked into the hillside, can not be seen from the street. So don't any of you music psychos be thinking you can drive up into the hills and spot these two sunning themselves by the pool.

Another interesting feature of the house (not shown in the photos) is a bell tower which Kiedis and his gay decorator have thoughtfully kitted out with a bunch of velvet floor pillows. More romantic types will find it a perfect place to make love while being caressed by the warm Santa Anas. But not Your Mama. We prefer our intimate moments take place behind closed doors in a dark room, but that's another topic altogether.

Anyhoo, there is little Your Mama does not like about this property. We love all the nooks, crannies, courtyards and outdoor hiding places. Even though a forest must be felled to keep them fired up all winter, we go weak in the knees over the six fireplaces. The master bathroom has a lovely one, but Your Mama particularly covets the outdoor fireplace. We love us an outdoor room. We also appreciate that there are enough terlits for six people, but we do worry about the maid getting carpal tunnel from scrubbing them things all the time.

Mister Kiedis clearly hired a nice gay decorator to come up in here. And if you ask Your Mama, a most excellent job was done. This house manages to be decorated to within an inch of it's life and still look like a place that people actually live. Not an easy trick for sure.

The only thing we noted as questionable on this property was in the kitchen. We are surprised to find such an ordinary and inexpensive refrigerator. Given the very high quality of the materials and workmanship of this house, we expected a Sub Zero. But that's a minor and easily remedied issue.

Normally Your Mama finds a few unsavory touches in a house and rips them to shreds. But seriously folks, that would be criminal here. This house is just too damn nice. Your Mama is going to make a prediction here...this house will be purchased by another celebrity. Can't you see Sharon Stone living up in this crib? We hear pin thin Nicole Richie and Good Charlotte rocker Joel Madden are house hunting for a love nest. If we were their real estate agent, we'd be taking them here for sure.

Sources: Rolling Stone, Blender