Alexis Stewart, Space Hog

BUYER: Martha Stewart (originally thought to be Alexis Stewart)
LOCATION: 165 Charles Street, 15th Floor, New York City
PRICE: $16,000,000
SIZE: 4,890 square feet, 4-6 bedrooms, 5.5 bathrooms (total for both units)
DESCRIPTION: The apotheosis of living as art. Sited atop Pritzker Prize-laureate Richard Meier's final iconic tower on the Hudson River is this unique parcel of units to be easily combined. A plalette both cool and sleek swaths the elegant, sparse lines within the individual rooms, replicated throughout the holistic thesis. With a total of 5 bedrooms, riverfront balconies, formal dining room and 5.5 baths...

YOUR MAMAS UPDATE: Check out the update for this purchase...

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: That's right babies, Alexis Stewart, the daughter of media tycoon and domestic diva Martha Stewart, just spent $16 million smackers on two adjacent apartments comprising the entire 15th floor and 4,879 square feet of Richard Meier's breathtaking glass tower on the corner of Hudson and Charles Streets in the West Village. This is not the first time Alexis has been to this horse race. According to Max Abelson of the New York Observer, in September 2006 the younger Ms. Stewart spent just over $19,000,000 to gobble up three contiguous units at the Charles Street building which she intends to combine into a 6,900 square foot triplex apartment.

We hate to sound like a hater, but Your Mama smells her mama's buttery leather Hermes wallet. Don't you? Alexis earns her own money yakking it up on Sirius Satellite Radio where she hosts a program with Jennifer Hutt called Whatever with Alexis and Jennifer. However, we find it impossible to believe she's pulling down enough paper to acquire $35,000,000 in real estate in one fell swoop. Your Mama used to think having Big Miss Martha as our mama would be dismal, but we're starting to rethink that.

The first two Meier towers, sheathed in green glass, house many notable New Yorkers and household name celebrities including Calvin Klein (triplex penthouse at 176 Perry), Vincent Gallo (at 173 Perry) and Scott Resnick (also at 173 Perry). Even Big Miss Martha once owned in these buildings. She paid $6,100,000 for the duplex penthouse at 173 Perry, but never moved in and sold the unit just prior to her imprisonment in 2004.

The third and final Meier tower, at 165 Charles, has been completely sold and many of its residents also have recognizable names including Natalie Portman and gallerist Barbara Gladstone.

The Meier towers, for all their publicity and big name tenants, have been mired in controversy, particularly the north building at 173 Perry. An article that ran in a 2004 issue of Vanity Fair had owners complaining about buckling terraces, failing heat, and leaking ceilings. In fact before selling her apartment, Big Miss Martha's penthouse terrace flooded sending water cascading down the building. The damage was so extensive that one owner, six floors below the penthouse, was forced to have his expensive rosewood floor ripped up and re-installed due to the water damage.

The buildings were also plagued by a never caught gunman who shot at the building on several different occasions. The bullets never came through the glass, but you can imagine the fear and panic this caused. Even still, the high drama has not kept the apartments from turning over or the prices sky-rocketing. Many of the buildings' original owners have already flipped their apartments making enormous profits.

Your Mama has a funny little story, unrelated to the real estate, about the younger Ms. Stewart. We have a gal pal, whom we will call Loreliei, who has spent a great deal of time at all of Big Miss Martha's properties including her house on Lily Pond Lane in Southampton. One day a few years ago Lorelei was standing in the driveway of the Lily Pond Lane house and sees the younger Ms. Stewart across the yard with her dog and a plastic bag full of doggy poop. After a quick glance around and thinking no one can see her, Alexis tossed the bag into the tall hedge at the edge of the property.

We're not sure if she did this because she was too lazy to take the shit to the garbage can or if this was a small act of rebellion and defiance towards her mama who, as you might imagine, does not tolerate any dog poop left in the yard.

We can't be sure what Alexis is planning to do with the 11,000+ square footage she now owns, but Max Abelson reported that his source told him that Alexis hired fancy schmancy celebrity architect Annabel le Selldorf to re-do and combine the interiors.

Your Mama would like the children to note that the photos above are not the apartments purchased by Alexis, but were nicked from the building's online publicity brochure. Also for those not overly familiar with New York City and the Meier buldings, 165 Charles is the tower at the right of the photo. The floor plan shown is the original layout of the apartments on the 15th floor, however, we don't know if there were any alterations to this layout before Ms. Stewart purchased.

Sources: NY Observer, New York Times, nyc-architecture.com (building photo), 165Charles.com (floorplan and interior photos)

Yo Dawgs, It's The Randy Jackson Crib

SELLER: Randy Jackson
LOCATION: Otis Avenue, Tarzana, CA
PRICE: $2,999,876
SIZE: 5,878 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 7.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Private driveway. Secure and secluded. 5 bedrooms and 7.5 baths. Custom Villa on over half an acre. Guest house, pool and spa. Over 5,800 sq. ft. in main house. Large romantic master w/ his and hers baths. Pecan wood throughout. Chef's kitchen. Breakfast room and butlers pantry. Large formal dining, huge family room w/ limestone fireplace and wood beam ceilings. Amazing private yard. Simply stated, it's a beautiful Gem, Showed cold! 10 plus!

YOUR MAMAS UPDATE: The property has been reduced from $3,199,000 to the rather unusual asking price of $2,999,876.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: When American Idol judge and star maker Randy Jackson leaves the big thee-a-ter and heads home for some rest and relaxation, he drives over into Tarzana. That's right babies, you heard Your Mama correctly, Tarzana? Lawhd hunnies, does anyone even know where that is?

Gossip fiends might recognize the name of the place even if they can't locate it on a map. Kevin Federline lays up in Tarzana with two of his four kiddies while that troubled Britney gurl gets her act together at the Promises rehab center in Malee-boo and their lawyers draw up the dee-vorce papers. According to the inestimable Ruth Ryon, doyenne of the Hot Properties column in the LA Times, Jaime Presely also calls this community home. Well, at least until she sells the the house she recently listed for $1,400,000.

Anyhoo, long before the juggernaut that is American Idol, Mister Jackson had an enormously successful and well respected career as a session musician and music producer whose credits include many hundreds of gold and platinum albums. Never shy to toot his own horn, this dawg does not evah miss an opportunity to let the television audience know he has worked with such illustrious artists as Whitney Houston, Madonna, Elton John, and Mariah Carey. What's odd about him constantly bragging about working with Mariah is that Jackson was responsible for writing and producing a couple of songs on her universally panned Glitter album and also for a couple songs on her lackluster Charmbracelet album. She may be a superstar, but certainly Jackson's achieved much greater success with other artists.

As all the children probably know, this American Idol program, now in it's 49th or 104th cycle or something, airs a mind boggling and frustrating three times a week. Lawhd babies, we don't want to, but Your Mama can not help but watch this program. It's on all the damn time. It's almost as bad as those Law and Order programs which air so frequently they haunt Your Mama in our sleep. Not only that, American Idol interferes with our ability to watch that irresistible Trya Banks mess America's Next Top Model. Don't lie children, we know you love it too.

We know American Idol pulls in a huge, obsessed audience and remains stupendously popular. But Your Mama will confess to all our children that we find the quibbling between the judges downright irritating. If we could, we would reach into that television and smack these people. Not only that, all that sassing has a false ring to it. We can't prove it, but Your Mama would bet the lives of our bitches Linda and Beverly that all the bickering and brawling is contractually obligated.

On a side note here, has anyone noticed that Miss Paula Abdul has not seemed nearly as befuddled and zoned out as during the press tour leading up the to show? Remember those interviews with her writhing and rambling desperately trying to keep her eyes open? This bitch claims she's never been drunk. Please.

Your Mama knows that some of you American Idol fans can be a little intense so we're going to keep the street number of Mister Jackson's house locked up in our vault. Even still, don't none of you nut jobs get any crazy ideas about driving your Saturn out to Tarzana and cruising up and down Otis Avenue looking for this house. That would just be wasting gas you surely can't afford to waste. See babies, Mr. Jackson's residence is tucked back behind another house and you should believe Your Mama when we tell you that the house can not be seen from the street.

Other than it's Tarzana location, we don't have a lot of negative feelings about this house.
Mister Jackson's Mediterranean manse is accessed down a long, gated drive. And all the children know how much Your Mama loves a long gated drive. The decor is mostly in good taste if not our taste. Of course we would have preferred not to see the upright piano and guitars pushed up into the corner of the family room, but this is the home of a musician, so we can accept this.

The only other serious issue we have with this house are the bare walls. Your Mama was able to see many more photos of this property than we have presented here. Most of the walls remain perplexedly bare. Mister Jackson didn't get rich from American Idol, he's been rich for a good long time. Why hasn't this man invested in some nice pictures to put on the walls? Seriously. We love a plasma television, in fact Your Mama just bought one to put over our fireplace, but they do not and can not take the place of a nice piece of artwork. Mister Jackson, if you're reading this, shoot Your Mama an email, we can help you get get in touch with an art buyer who will help you build a collection worthy of someone of your wealth and stature.

According to property records, Mister Jackson purchased this home in May of 2005. Your Mama isn't knowledgeable as to where Mister Jackson and his family will be moving, but we have a hunch it's will be someplace a little less humble. And we hope, not in Tarzana.

Merv Griffin in Carmel Valley

SELLER: Merv Griffin
LOCATION: Camino de Travesia Road, Carmel Valley, CA
PRICE: $6,200,000
SIZE: 57 acres, 11 bedrooms, 11 full bathrooms 3 half bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Escape the busy life for a romantic and private rendezvous. Up a gated drive leads to this beautiful and stunning mountain-top retreat. The property opens to the entertainment area with gourmet kitchen, large dining and great room surrounded by lush landscaping with rose gardens, olive trees, and beautiful breathtaking mountain and canyon views! Rich with local and Hollywood history, this renowned retreat captured the heart of Hollywood heavy weight, Merv Griffin and his princess, Eva Gabor. This home is an enchanted hideaway.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Yes children, we thought this man was dead too. But he is by all accounts alive and kicking. But before we got to the real estate, let's discuss a bit about Merv.

Merv Griffin has unquestionably achieved professional greatness. He pioneered the lurid world of talk shows dealing with incendiary issues and paved the way for folks like Sally Jesse Raphael and Maury Povich. He created the two most successful game shows to ever air on television (Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune) and in the process, inconceivably, made Pat Sajak and Alex Trebek household names.

After selling his television entertainment company, Merv Griffin Enterprises, for a quarter of billion dollars he bought up big name hotels and casinos including the legendary Beverly Hilton Hotel and the Merv Griffin Resort & Givenchy Spa in Palm Springs, which is now the Parker Meridien Hotel where, oddly enough, Your Mama and the Doctor Cooter will be spending a few days in April sprawled out by the pool drinking Bloody Marys and snacking on fried calamari.

Next Merv entered the strange and dangerous world of casino ownership after he famously and vivaciously duked it out with Donald Trump for ownership of Resorts International, a large and rambling company that owned Paradise Island, a hotel and casino in the Bahamas.

And even at the advanced age of 80+ years old, Merv remains a vital and virile business man who takes obvious pleasure in minting money. He has a team of people who work with him formulating and bouncing around (reality) television show ideas and he recently subdivided 200 acres of his once sprawling La Quinta horse ranch into the eponymously named luxury housing development Griffin Ranch.

But for better or worse, and perhaps even predictably, Your Mama does not find Merv's professional successes nearly as intriguing as we find his personal life. Merv is a rare thing in the Hollywood establishment in that he's a staunch, right wing conservative who donates large amounts of cash to Republican candidates. It's no secret Merv was best pals with Ronnie and Nancy Reagan, but he also has a friendly relationship with our current president. In a recent article in Rolling Stone, Merv had this to say about our dear leader: ''Oooooh, I love him, yes,'' says Merv. ''He's funny, bright, intelligent and loves to have a good time." Your Mama does not mean to get political here, but that scares the skin right off our bones.

As all the children know, as long as Merv has been in the spot light, he has bobbed and weaved around publicly declaring his (homo)sexuality. When asked about it, he visibly bristles, often tries to change the subject to his one-time gal pal Eva Gabor, or makes some sort of unnerving quip as he did in a New York Times article when he said, "I'm a quatre-sexual. I will do anything with anybody for a quarter." What?!?

In 1991 poor Merv was forced to confront the gay rumors head on in two separate lawsuits. In the first, Brent Plott, a former employee whose job has been described as Merv's secretary/driver/horse-trainer/bodyguard, sued for palimony. PALIMONY!!! This queen claimed he had been Merv's longtime live in lover and figured that having sex with the corpulent Merv was worth $200 million. Merv cried extortion and eventually the suit was dismissed.

However, it wasn't long before Merv found himself sued again. This time by Denny Terrio. Remember him children? He was the host of Dance Fever back in the early 1980s. Terrio charged sexual harassment claiming he was unfairly fired after he declined Merv's sexual advances. This case was also tossed out as well.

We imagine Merv felt vindicated, his reputation as a straight man intact. Of course, it really is Merv's business if he doesn't want to discuss the details of his private life. However, the truth is, no one in Hollywood believes for a minute that Merv likes the ladies. Anyone who has ever been within 30 feet of Merv, and Your Mama has, knows this man shrieks, swishes, gushes, and waves his arms around like a big ol' queen as he makes grand pronouncements and not so funny jokes. Anyone with eyes and ears can plainly see this man is as fruity as fruit cake. And we want it stated for the record, we do not say that to slander or in anyway degrade Merv's reputation. Hunnies, you know Your Mama loves us some fruit cake, right?

Like so many big money Hollywood types, Merv has a lot of houses. In addition to the spread in Carmel Valley we're going to discuss here, he maintains a mansion in Beverly Hills, a house in Ireland, and a 40-acre Morroccan themed horse ranch in La Quinta which includes four circular guest units. And like all good tycoons with money to burn, he spends a few months each summer aboard a large boat, his 142-foot yacht, "Griff."

According to the Real Estate Journal, Merv purchased the property in the 1970s. He actually put listed the property in 2000 but quickly changed his mind and took it off the market. He now says he's selling the spread because he infrequently visits the 57 acre property. The property, about 150 miles south of San Francisco, consists of several buildings including a central building that includes an 860 square foot living/dining room and a kitchen but strangely no bedrooms. All the bedrooms are in separate units surrounding the pool.

Obviously the setting is magnificent. We imagine wandering the grounds soaking up the vistas and hazy light of Carmel Valley would be a lovely way to spend some time. We love the heated pool with it's generous limestone patio. The extensive gardens, at least the bits that can be seen in the photos, are clearly well tended. We imagine this might be taken care of by a hunky gardener who lives on the property?

The listing also states there is an outdoor dance floor on the property. Can the children picture the scene here in the 1970s? Your Mama imagines there might have been a lot of feathered hair, tight pants, mustaches, and maybe even loads of amyl nitrate. Or maybe Merv and gal pal Eva Gabor spent many a misty and cool evenings here slow dancing in the moonlight.

As the children might surmise, Your Mama feels deep puzzlement and distress about the decor. Merv has mountains of money and could have easily hired a nice gay decorator to go up in there and work some magic. But alas. We are mortified by the dated and distressing rose colored carpet. Has that carpet been in place since the property was first bought in the 1970s? Was that choice made by Merv or by "his princess" Eva Gabor? Whatever the case, that carpet could not be ripped up quickly enough.

The kitchen, well appointed as it may be with its double ovens and warming drawers, is a little "down home" for Your Mama's taste. That ridiculous floral valance over the windows makes us sick. All you people who think these puffy, elaborately printed and colored valances are a good idea need to march yourselves down to your local magazine stand and purchase a few magazines that do not have the word "country" as part of it's title. Seriously. These valances are the equivalent of a woman wearing too much make-up...it's not necessary and it looks tacky.

The property includes a 1 acre vineyard that Merv has bottled up under the label "Mont Merveilleux," most of which he gives away at charity auctions. Merv seems to like this "Merveilleux" moniker. He calls the man-made lake out back of his house in La Quinta "Lac Merveilleux." Let's be honest children, how gay is that? Please.

Sources: Real Estate Journal, Rolling Stone, New York Times, Sotheby's

Mariska Hargitay Double Whammy (New York City)

SELLER: Mariska Hargitay and Peter Hermann
LOCATION: Beach Street, Tribeca, New York City
PRICE: $6,495,000 (maintenance and taxes / $3330 per month)
SIZE: 2,500 square feet (approx.), 3 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: The penthouse is a spectacular duplex with terrace designed by renowned interior decorator Jeffry Bilhuber. This home has a loft-life feeling with over nine feet ceiling heights, with spectacular chef's kitchen (all stainless steel Viking appliances) opening into a formal dining room and living room. In addition there are 3 full bedrooms, home office, laundry room, and 2.5 large bathrooms. The apartment has spectacular views of the city from floor to ceiling windows facing south and west. Completely unique in Manhattan, this penthouse has its own private garage.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: In our last posting we discussed the Los Angeles residence of Miss Mariska Hargitay and her huzband Pulchritudinous Peter Hermann. For those of you who did not read that post we have two things to say: 1. Shame on you. And 2. You can read all about that house as well as a bit about Miss Mariska's Hollywood blood line by clicking here.

Now, back in New York, Your Mama is pleased to see this couple went out and hired a top notch decorator (Jeffrey Bilhuber) to do up their Tribeca penthouse. After suffering through the rather dull decor of their Los Angeles home, we were pleasantly surprised at the elegance and comfort of their New York penthouse apartment.

Being very security conscious, we welcome the key-lock elevator opening directly into the apartment. This situation ensures there are no worries about creepy and chatty neighbors lurking about in a common hallway. There is nothing worse than having to make impossibly banal conversation about the weather with your boring neighbor or having to fret about them knocking on your door asking to borrow your vacuum. Next we move through the narrow hallway, or the "gallery" as the listing agent has indicated on the floor plan, and we arrive at the main living space.

At 48 feet, the living room/dining room combination is nearly long enough for a bowling lane. But the rather narrow width concerns Your Mama, especially given the somewhat awkward location of the fireplace. A skinny room like this can easily feel claustrophobic, even with the huge windows. However, we would like to give Mr. Bilhuber and his team their props for an exceptional job with the furniture placement. Also, eggplant is a color we would usually forbid using, but up against that amazing sea foam colored rug in the living room we stand corrected.

We imagine the wonderfully large windows grab tremendous light. What our readers won't know unless they are familiar with the building, is that no other buildings obstruct the sight lines from this building and every window of this 7th floor penthouse has nice long views. Obviously this set up is also good for privacy.

All the children who read our little blog on a regular basis know Your Mama is not particularly fond of wide open "loft" style apartments. We hate looking at dirty dishes when we're parked on the sofa channel surfing. And even more distressing, we hate seeing the Dr. Cooter parked on the sofa channel surfing while Your Mama toils away in the kitchen. The "U" shape plan on Miss Mariska's penthouse cleverly breaks up sight lines and allows for a desirable visual separation of space.

The floor plan shows a fairly small second bedroom, but given that the room has it's own private pooper, we can forgive the size. The master bedroom, at the back of the penthouse, has a lovely little foyer, a huge walk in closet divided into two sections, and a nice bathroom. The floor plan does not show a terlit up in there, but we're sure that's just an oversight. Our real concern with the master bath is the same we have for all the bathrooms in this penthouse: mold. We're sure Miss Mariska has her housekeeper scrub each of those bathrooms until her knuckles bleed and her knees are bruised, but we always feel more relaxed in a bathroom that is ventilated with a window or two.

We admire that Mr. Bilhuber managed to squeeze in a small office space behind the kitchen. But we are concerned that once you get the maid up in there doing the laundry, there isn't enough room or privacy to make the space as useful as we might want. Certainly Pulchritudinous Peter won't be looking at much porn in this room when the maid is around.

Up the stairs and out a (hopefully) heavily secured door sits a large private roof terrace. The Brown Harris Stevens listing shows the terrace at 812 square feet and the floor plan shows it at 1,475 square feet. Math is not our subject, but Your Mama's rudimentary calculations have us believing the number shown on the floor plan. Everyone knows that ordinarily Your Mama swoons over roof terraces like this. However we are extremely uneasy about the air quality up on this terrace. See babies, this building is located right on the very busy traffic circle that is frequently clogged with bumper to bumper traffic as it exits the Holland Tunnel.

Additionally we are troubled by the amount of noise. We know for a fact all those terrible drivers from New Jersey come barreling through that tunnel and before they even get up in this traffic circle they are laid up on their horns making enough noice to wake the dead in China. Your Mama's opninon is these damn fools think that just because they have drove their shiny Lexus into Manhattan they are entitled to tear around like they're still in suburban New Jersey.

We don't want to get any bitchy emails from you people about this neither. If you are from New Jersey, and you drive into Manhattan, you should expect the traffic snarls. Contrary to how they are most often used, horns are not for expressing displeasure. If you do not have the fortitude and patience for the traffic in Manhattan, well then hunnies, ride the damn bus or take that PATH train thing.

We imagine the reason Miss Mariska and Pulchritudinous Peter are moving house is not just because they want more square footage–which we know they do–but because the nanny can not get that child to sleep at any time of the day or night due to the traffic noise.

Now that we got our blood pressure up, you can see why this apartment is not for Your Mama. If we lived here we are sure we would be so disturbed by the blaring and racket we would quickly lose our mind and the Dr. Cooter would come home one day to find us using a slingshot to hurl rotten eggs down the cars.

Sources: Brown Harris Stevens

Mariska Hargitay Double Whammy (Los Angeles)

SELLER: Mariska Hargitay and Peter Hermann
LOCATION: Warbler Way, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $2,699,000
SIZE: 2,944 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 5.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Perched atop Warbler Way is this fabulous pool home w/ 2 story guest house and bird's-eye views. Versatile floor plan boats everything from a great room, complete w/ soaring beamed ceilings, a cook's open-island kit w/ stainless appliances, LR w/ gorgeous fireplace, wood floor throughout, and open dining all surrounded by amazing windows. A loft den flows to awesome upper view deck, great for entertaining. Bonus Media room and wine room, too. All this so close to the city and an absolute must see.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Recently we discussed Vincent D'Onofrio's New York City apartment and Your Mama complained about how ev-er-ee time we turn on the television one of these damn Law and Order programs comes on scaring the devil out of us with all the axe murderers and pedophiles. And now, just a week later we can't turn out our computer without getting tips and information about another ack-tress from the television juggernaut that is the Law and Order franchise.

See babies, Mariska Hargitay, who plays tough detective Olivia Benson, is selling both her New York and Los Angeles residences. We will be bringing the children information on both places, but first Your Mama is going to walk you through a little history of Beverly Hills real estate as it relates to our discussion of Miss Mariska.

Hargitay, for those of you who live in a hole, has Hollywood royalty running in her veins as she is the daughter of Mr Universe Micky Hargitay and sex bomb Jayne Mansfied. In 1967 wee little Mariska, along with her two brothers were in the back seat of an automobile when it collided with an insecticide truck just outside Biloxi, Mississippi. Tragically, Mansfield and two others were killed instantly.

For better or worse, Mansfield was an early model for such "celebrities" as recently deceased Anna Nicole Smith, Zsa Zsa Gabor, and of course, the almost inconceivable Angelyne. The platinum blond with the mammoth mammaries was more famous for her lavish lifestyle and outlandish behavior than for her cinematic career. In 1961 Mansfield and Mr. Universe bought a large Spanish Colonial style house at 10100 Sunset Boulevard for $74,000. The 8 bedroom/13 bathroom house, originally built in the 1920s for Rudy Vallee, became the first childhood home of baby Mariska.

The couple set about turning their new home into a Hollywood extravaganza. The house was given the moniker "The Pink Palace" after Mansfield had it painted a soft shade of pink. The house famously glistened and sparkled because the pink paint was mixed with crushed sandstone which refracted the sunlight when it shone on the house. While that sounds lovely, Your Mama is concerned that might have been a hazard to the drivers on Sunset Boulevard.

The house quickly because a tourist trap. Cars and buses would slow down and stop out front so the people could gawk and guffaw at the big wrought iron gates that featured the initials "JM" centered in her signature heart shape. Mansfield loved the attention and would often step out onto a balcony facing Sunset to preen and wave to her adoring fans.

The most unusual and notable feature of the house was without doubt the spectacularly kooky heart-shaped pool with the words "I love you Jaynie" spelled out in mosaics on the bottom (see photo below.) That pool is so over the top Your Mama can't help but love it.

On a side note, Mansfield's may have been the first, but it was not the only heart shaped pool in Los Angeles. Aging radio head Casey Kasem and his freaky wife Jean (who oddly enough styles herself after Ms. Mansfield) live in a house over on N. Mapleton Drive that also has a heart shaped pool.

Directly behind The Pink Palace was Owlwood, another very famous and fabled estate that was once owned by Tony Curtis and later Sonny and Cher. Across the road from The Pink Palace was the one time Esther Williams Colonial style mansion with it's startling, but not surprisingly, large swimming pool.

After Mansfield's death, The Pink Palace is said to have been variously occupied by Mama Cass and Ringo Starr. Your Mama can not confirm those occupants, but we do know that cheese ball crooner Englebert Humperdinck purchased The Pink Palace and occupied it for 17 years before selling it in 2002 to the owner of Owlwood. Mansfield's beloved Pink Palace, as well as the Esther Williams house, were demolished by the owner of Owlwood in order to create a monstrous 10 acre estate for himself.

Anyhoo, Your Mama seriously digressed there, but we wanted the children to know what sort of real estate world Mariska Hargity was born into. And from the photos anyone can see Miss Mariska does not have the same extravagant taste as her mama.

Miss Mariska and her sexy huzband Peter Hermann purchased this house only in January 2006 for $1,560,000. The couple must be intense negotiators as the house had been on the market for $2,250,000.

Like just about everyone else in Los Angeles, Your Mama appreciates and covets the Bird Street location of this house. But we do have a few concerns. From the front, the house appears to be just two stories. But this is deceiving as the back this house drops down the canyon making it more than four floors tall.

It can't be seen in the photographs here, but there is a terrace off the top floor master bedroom. While we imagine the views are astounding, Your Mama worries about our vertigo acting up while this high off the ground.

And of course, Your Mama could never live in a house with this many stairs. Why didn't someone think to install an elevator here? Lawhd children it would take Your Mama two whole days and an oxygen tank to climb all the damn stairs from the swimming pool on the lowest level to the master bedroom at the top. Of course, most people in Los Angeles are health and exercise nuts so perhaps they see this sort of set up as a way to further tone their booties. Not Your Mama. We would rather sit on the sofa watching reruns of The Golden Girls and eating Girl Scout cookies than break a sweat trying to get up and down the stairs to the terlit.

Interestingly, this house is just around the corner from Fawn Hall's place (which we discussed here). Your Mama wonders if these two ever called each other up to complain about the neighbors garbage cans or had each other over for a couple of beers by the pool.

We're sorry to say the lackluster decor of the house leaves us feeling empty. The more we look at the photos the more we think the place looks (not very well) staged. The primary reason, as our loyal reader Stormy pointed out to us, is that wretched PEAR painting hanging in the kitchen. We found one of these abominations in Cher's flip in Palm Springs and we found another in Brad and Angelina's new place in Nawlins. And now we find another up in Miss Marishka's house in Los Angeles. Lawhd children, is there a cabal of gay decorators and stagers out there trying to kill Your Mama with these upsetting and unconscionable pieces of shit? Seriously, this has to stop.

Anyhoo, perhaps this property was just an investment and the couple is flipping it like so many other Hollywood types looking to make a quick million bucks? Or maybe they bought this place without considering the difficulty in finding a nanny for the new baby who would be willing to hike up and down all those stairs? Whatever the case, this family is indeed moving on, likely to a more family friendly house and one, we're guessing, with a little better security than this one.

Sources: Abingdon Virgina News, Find A Death

A little Blog Love

We'd like to recognize some of the folks who buttered our toast this week with links back to our little blog. If we made a mistake and didn't get you on this list, we apologize, we're doing the best we can on an early Sunday morning.

1. Glitterati Gossip - As always, Your Mama is deeply appreciative of this gal. So please go read her lovely site for all the Hollywood tidbits.

2. Curbed LA - Our pals at Curbed are always so generous with their linkage. And of course, if you're not reading Curbed LA, then you're missing all the best real estate news about the City of Angels.

3. World of Wonder - This is one of Your Mama's favorite sites. Read it and weep that you're not that funny and clever.

4. Luxist - The website for all this fancy, snazzy and upscale. We love their Estate of the Day postings.

5. The Rat and Mouse - The London property blog.

6. Celebrity Houses Blog - These folks are doing a great job bringing the children some interesting tidbits.

7. Fresh Celebrity Gossip - These folks are new to us, but we thank them all the same.

8. PopCasa - A new site and new to Your Mama.

9. Suburbarazzi - All things related to the Lower Hudson Valley in New York.

10. CelebritySmack – More juicy tidbits on the Hollywood gossip

The Neutra Nest of Jeffrey Levy-Hinte

SELLER: Jeffrey Levy-Hinte
LOCATION: 126 Mabery Road, Santa Monica, CA
PRICE: $6,995,000
SIZE: 2,959 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Architect Richard Neutra's Sten-Frenk Residence of 1934. Los Angles Historic Cultural Monument #647. International Style masterpiece on double lot in Santa Monica Canyon with ocean views. Incredible restoration of this world-class design, including sublime bright public rooms and master with sitting room and 2 other bedrooms. Gorgeous lawns and large pool.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Ooo-wee children, Your Mama loves us some Neutra. One look at the photographs and Your Mama is ready to clean out the Dr. Cooter's bank accounts, pack our bags, and move right into this clean lined house designed by famed California architect Richard Neutra.

Now all you trendy design queens shut your bitchy little traps. Your Mama knows the design world has moved past the trend for both International and mid-century modern styles and is happily wallowing around in the glam Hollywood Regency style, but that does not mean we can't still appreciate and covet a Neutra.

Built in 1934 for actress Anna Sten, the Sten-Frenk house is currently owned by Jeffrey Levy-Hinte and his wife Jeanne. Now children, we understand you may not recognize this man's name, so Your Mama is going to give you the 411. If you live anywhere near Los Angeles you already know Mr. Levy-Hinte is one of the more successful independent film producers working in Hollywood. A very short list of some of the films he has produced include the 2004 adaptation of Scott Heim's novel Mysterious Skin and 2003's Thirteen, that movie with Holly Hunter about that fucked up teenage girl who Your Mama thinks needed the stupid slapped out of her.

But it's Lisa Cholodenko (who Your Mama happens to be friendly with) and her film Laurel Canyon that brought Levy-Hinte to the Sten-Frank house. See babies, that film was largely shot on location at this house. Not long after the filming wrapped, Levy-Hinte purchased the property for around $3,00,000 and soon embarked on what has been reported to be a $4,500,000 re-build and restoration headed by the glittering architectural firm Marmol and Radziner.

The property, graced by ocean breezes and slivers of ocean views, consists of two lots at the mouth of Santa Monica canyon that are so close to the ocean you can hear the waves crashing from the bedroom windows...that is if there's not too much traffic on the Pacific Coast Highway.

The sensitive re-do and the sublime interiors have Your Mama's mind working overtime trying to imagine our dachshund bitches Linda and Beverly laid up in front of that fireplace and stretched out on the lawn in the sunshine. There's little Your Mama likes more than a row of bare windows, so all the children know we are most appreciative of the ribbon windows and their absence of window treatments makes us tingle inside.

The house was first put up for sale for in early 2006 for $8,000,000 and the price has steadily been whittled to it's current asking price of $6,995,000.

If you ask Your mama, and of course no one did, the location of this property at the mouth of Santa Monica Canyon can not be beat. But it seems buyers are turned off by the 10 story apartment building (101 Ocean Avenue) that towers over the property and keeps the house and most of the yard, including the pool, shaded until after 12 noon. Even still Your Mama is quite surprised this ridiculously cool and sexy house has had a difficult time finding a buyer, particularly in the blazing high end market in Los Angeles.

Sources: Real Estate Journal, Office for Word and Image,

More Posh and Becks Real Estate Nonsense

Oh dear Lawhd children, will her search ever end?

Multiple reports last week stated The Spice Gurl had wrapped up her latest whirlwind tour of posh properties, left Los Angeles, and returned to Britain or Madrid or some other place.

However, Your Mama was contacted this afternoon by a shockingly well connected tipster in Los Angeles who tells us The Spice Gurl is in fact still in Los Angeles and hassling all the high end Beverly Hills agents to show her even more properties.

Our tipster alls tells Your Mama The Spice Gurl has dumped Barry Peele, the agent she was working with at Sotheby's, and has begun working with Joseph Babajian over at Prudential CA John Aaroe.

We also understand she looked at the Wendy Finerman house up on N. Faring Road in the Holmby Hills today.

Reed Krakoff's NEW Hamptons Estate

BUYER: Reed and Delphine Krakoff
LOCATION: 121 Further Lane, East Hampton, NY
PRICE: $24,000,000 (sale price)
SIZE: 6.4 acres, 8,500 square feet, 6 bedrooms, 5.4 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Designed by architect Arthur Jackson and built in 1917, Lasata, or "place of peace," is universally recognized as one of the most beautiful homes in America. Situated on 6.4 acres, the unique estate property captures the eye with its graceful lines and understated presence. Summer home to the Bouvier family through the 1920s, the residence has anchored the lives of only a small handful of owners over the last 85 years. The opportunity to become part of Lasata's history now presents itself.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: As was first reported in Braden Keil's Gimme Shelter column in the NY Post, Reed Krakoff, the president and creative director of the leather accessories company Coach, and his interior designer wife Delphine have purchased Lasata, one of East Hampton's most fabled and coveted estates. The also price is said to be $24,000,000.

The purchase of this property has been widely covered on websites and blogs including Your Mama's pals over at Luxist. However, since Your Mama previously discussed the Krakoff's former summer home on Great Plains Road in Southampton (which remains for sale with a hefty price tag of $12,000,000) and also the Krakoff's recently sold townhouse on East 61st Street, we felt it would be remiss not to post photographs and additional information for the children on their new summer residence.

The Brown Harris Stevens listing shows the property at 6.4 acres. However Braden Keil reports the Krakoff's new digs encompass 11 acres. Not sure why the discrepancy. However, not in dispute is that Lasata once belonged to the paternal grandparents of Jackie Kennedy Onassis. It is widely known and reported that Jackie-O spent many a childhood summer at this huge estate.

Other Further Lane residents include big-time gallerist Larry Gagosian and semi-retired comedian Jerry Seinfeld who purchased his vast ocean front estate from Billy Joel and proceeded to add a softball diamond at the front of the property. Hippity Hop clothing designer Tommy Hilfilger purchased an ocean front property on Further Lane in the Spring of 2006 for $17,000,000, turned the place into a Balinese freak out, and put it back on the market for $24,500,000. Your Mama discussed this property here.

The most expensive property to sell in the Hamptons in 2006, located at 408 Further Lane, transferred at the astronomical price of $43,000,000. That's just a little pocket change if there's any truth the the oft reported rumor that Adelaide de Menil Carpenter recently sold her 40 acre ocean front property to Swedish financier turned art patron Robert Weil for the mind numbing price of $90,000,000.

As can be seen in the photographs, the current decor of the mansion is frumpy and dated. However, we expect with the Krakoff's keen design sensibilities and a few million dollars, Lasata will be transformed into one of the Hampton's most design savvy estates.

Sources: Brown Harris Stevens, NY Post, New York Magazine, Forbes

The Ed McMahon Mansion

SELLER: Ed and Pam McMahon
LOCATION: 12000 Crest Court, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $4,600,000 (reduced from $6,750,000)
SIZE: 7,013 square feet, 6 bedrooms, 5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Ed McMahon's private Mediterranean Estate, in the Prestigious Beverly Hills Gated Community, The Summit, can be yours. This once in a lifetime offering is full of charm and character. The foreign imported doors and meticulously chosen fireplaces are unlike any other. The Master Suite with his and hers baths and closets, overlooks the yard and sweeping canyon.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Your Mama apologizes in advance for hating on this house, but we find it to be just so damned ugly. Mediterranean? Please. The listing agent at Hilton & Hyland says the house is Mediterranean, but Your Mama is not seeing it. The facade of this house looks more like something we would expect to find up in one of the better neighborhoods of Beirut or Riyadh. But instead, this beast is located just inside the gates of Beverly Hills' The Summit where it overlooks Coldwater Canyon and busy Mulholland Drive.

All the celebrity real estate hounds will recognize The Summit as the very same gated community where Gavin Rossdale and Gwen Stefani live in a double gated $15,000,000 extravaganza, and of course, also where the bald and troubled Britney Spears is flipping her most recent real estate purchase.

For nearly 30 years Ed McMahon was Johnny Carson's bitch on the Tonight Show. His only responsibilities seemed to be shrieking, "Heeeeeere's Johnny!" at the start of the show and then sitting off to the side guffawing at and agreeing with whatever Johnny said. For this he was no doubt paid handsomely, but Your Mama imagines this would not be the most stimulating job in the world. Fortunately, McMahon had plenty of moonlighting gigs such as hosting Star Search in the 1980s and 90s and working as the pitch man for the Publishers Clearinghouse sweepstakes. Unfortunately, these don't sound like the most stimulating jobs either.

None the less, mostly due to savvy real estate investments and partnerships, the octogenarian has long been considered to be one of the richer men in Hollywood. As one of the largest landlords in Malibu, some reports state his net worth hovers around $200,000,000. Not bad for a man who began his career as a bingo caller and carnival barker.

After a pipe burst in July of 2001 and flooded the den of McMahon mansion, toxic mold was discovered. Soon it had spread through the heating and air conditioning ducts contaminating everything in it's path. A heated battle with the insurance company ensued and eventually, after much wrangling, the McMahons were awarded $7,200,000 to gut and rebuild the interior of the home. Your Mama is certainly glad the McMahons were able to get the mold situation under control and their house rebuilt. But we do question some of the aesthetic choices that were made in the process.

Who know Ed McMahon had such "interesting" and eclectic taste in home decor? Or does all this reflect the taste of McMahon's third wife Pam? We can appreciate the leopard print club chairs in the living room, but that perverse horse figurine on the floor upsets Your Mama greatly. We see these horse things up in rich people's houses all the time and we would like to know who is perpetrating the presence of this sort of visual vomit. Who? If we knew who you were, we'd slap you upside the head and make you swear on your mama's life not to put these equine pieces of shit up in people's houses anymore.

We can understand and appreciate comfortable seating for screening movies and watching that hi-larious program Top Design on the Bravo. But Your Mama can not tolerate a Lazy-Boy recliner. Ever. Not even, as it is here at the McMahon mansion, if it is upholstered in the same buttery brown leather as the alarmingly large sectional sofa.

(On a side note, are the children watching Top Design on the Bravo? If not, you should. The show itself is fun enough, but the reason we watch is to see in what sort of outfit and hair-don't the famed and extremely talented interior designer Kelly Wearstler will swan around. Last night we were treated to a knee length beaded gown and an astonishing crimped situation up on her head. This gorgeous bitch looked like she stuck her hand right up in a light socket.)

Anyhoo, if the children look close at the photos, you'll note the McMahons have curiously chosen to eliminate molding. Could this be because after their terrific troubles with toxic mold, they don't feel comfortable having any item with the word "mold" in the house? Your Mama isn't always a huge fan of moldings ourselves, but some architectural styles do indeed require them to appear finished. And if you're going to be calling your mansion Mediterranean, you better have some big ass moldings up at the ceiling and down on the floor.

Out in the back yard we are absolutely mortified by the cheap and dangerous looking jungle gym. Your Mama feels that if you are worth anywhere near $200,000,000 you should provide the grand kiddies a more substantial and stable jungle gym. Additionally, because this back yard hangs over Mulholland Drive, Your Mama is concerned the children's ears could be damaged from the excessive road noise. We can only hope the McMahons keep a bowl of ear plugs next to the French doors to the backyard.

The listing agent over at Hilton & Hyland has provided an extensive virtual tour that will be available online until the house sells.

Sources: Hilton & Hyland, Comedy Zone, Hazardous Materials Assessment, Inc., Robertson & Vick

Livin' Large Wit Damon Dash: UPDATE

Your Mama has updated the photos for the Daman Dash property...have a look see here.

The Six Degrees of Kelly Ripa and Mark Consuelos

SELLER: Kelly Ripa and Mark Consuelos
LOCATION: 76 Crosby Street, New York City
PRICE: $6,700,000 (sale price)
SIZE: 5,262 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 3,5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: DRAMATIC FULL FLOOR LOFT AT THE EPICENTER OF SOHO...Grand proportioned living and entertaining space, exceptionally appointed eat-in kitchen with 2 Sub Zero fridges, double Gaggenau ovens, double Gaggenau cook tops and a walk-in pantry. Separate family wing with two generous sized bedrooms and playroom, corner light surround the library/den, office and small gym, 2.5 baths with fabulous finishes and a rain forest imbued master bath.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Settle down children. Your Mama knows this apartment sold some time ago. The story was was well reported in Max Abelson's column at the NY Observer and subsequently Curbed posted several times about it. So all you snotty children don't be sending us uppity emails about how this is old news. We know.

We decided to dig this one up from our archives for three reasons. The first is that many of our readers who do not live in the New York City area may not have read these earlier reports. Secondly, after yesterday's depressing posts on the Pirro pads, Your Mama needed to be looking at pretty pictures and a floor plan we can appreciate. And lastly we are digging this one up because there are heaps of celebrities who can be woven into the story of this one apartment. So hang on tight and see if you can follow because Your Mama is going to be name dropping left and right.

Ex-soap opera stud Mark Consuelos and his talking head wife Kelly Ripa purchased their full floor loft at 76 Crosby in January 2002 for around $2,800,000 and reportedly spent and additional $900,000 customizing and renovating. The loft is quite large at over 5,000 square feet, but as anyone who has ever seen that upsetting Regis and Kelly gab fest knows, this catalog model cute couple have bred like rabbits and it wasn't long before they were crammed into the loft with three young kiddies like Japanese businessmen on a bullet train. The floor plan may be well considered and laid out, but there is certainly no room for three small brats and their nannies to be living up in here.

Upstairs, in the tremendous 9,865 square foot penthouse that is rumored to have once belonged to Boris Becker, porcelain skinned ack-tress Nicole Kidman luxuriated all by her lonesome. For all that space she reportedly paid the queenly sum of $40,000 per month in rent. Yes, children, in rent. Prior to moving to 76 Crosby, the pin thin Academy Award winning Australian was shacking up in Lenny Kravitz's penthouse down the street at 30 Crosby. That is until they busted up and she needed another place to get her beauty sleep.

However, Kidman didn't stay at 76 Crosby long. She next moved to Chelsea and into the very same building Your Mama keeps an apartment. Building rumors had her paying around $30,000 for a 2 or 3 bedroom apartment. Another rumor that flashed around was that Kidman did not herself live in the Chelsea building but rather had purchased an apartment in the building for her assistant. Whatever the case, Your Mama frequently saw this super skinny-minny in the early mornings slipping out of the building, usually in a pair of sweatpants, and into the back seat of a black Suburban. And on more than one occasion we saw Kidman, a bodyguard, and the two children she shares with that strange Scientologist Tom Cruise skulking down the street trying to look inconspicuous. We have not seen Ms. Kidman around lately so we gather she's moved on to another location.

Kidman's moving around puzzled New York City real estate watchers as it is widely known she purchased an apartment in the one of the Meier glass towers on Perry Street and the West Side Highway. This is the same building where hotelier Ian Schraeger keeps a full flor apartment and Calvin Klein purchased the 9,856 square foot triplex penthouse. All reports stated Ms. Kidman never moved into the Meier building apartment and many reported she was trying to sell the place. However, property records show a 12th floor unit (with 3,785 square feet) in the South tower is currently owned by Kidman's considerably less successful actor sister Antonia Hawley. Your Mama asks the children to draw your own conclusions about this.

Meanwhile, back over at 76 Crosby Street, the 5,292 square foot third floor loft was purchased in March of 2005 by Miramax mogul Harvey Weinstein. Property records show both Harvey and Eve Weinstein as owners. However, this puzzles Your Mama as the Weinstein's publicly divorced in 2004 and Eve was granted ownership of the couples exceptionally large duplex apartment on the fourth and fifth floors at 88 Central Park West. In October of 2006 Eve sold the duplex to Robert DeNiro and his long time lady friend Grace Hightower for the impressive price of $20,900,000 (the asking price had been $25,000,000).

Incidentally, Sting and Trudy Styler also own a mammoth duplex at 88 Central Park West they have on the market for $24,000,000. Your Mama will be posting this apartment in the near future. Reports say this couple will be moving to the Robert A.M. Stern designed building at 15 Central Park West once construction has been completed.

Are the children following us? We're nearly back to the Consuelos/Ripa loft. Soon after Ms. Kidman vacated 76 Crosby, the enormous duplex penthouse was put on the market for $9,950,000. As it turns out Consuelos and Ripa were looking to move to a larger property to house their growing brood and had put their fifth floor unit on the market in February 2005 for $7,750,000. Recognizing their good luck and the simplicity of moving upstairs, they quickly snapped up the penthouse in June of 2005.

Also in June 2005, the couple slashed the price of their loft by $800,000. The lower price quickly attracted a buyer and the loft sale closed in early November for $6,700,000. The unit was purchased by Edward Scheetz, who among other business interests, is the CEO of the Morgans Hotel Group, the umbrella company for Ian Schrager's collection of high end hotels which include the Delano in Miami and the Mondrian in Los Angeles.

UPDATE: One of our lovely readers commented that he/she actually looked to purchase the Consuelos/Ripa apartment when it was for sale and says it was "SO nice." He/she also tells us the family currently lives uptown while their new penthouse at 76 Crosby undergoes a gut renovation.

Phew! That concludes our whirlly-gig tour on the six degrees of the Consuelos/Ripa apartment. Your Mama is worn out and we're headed for our big king sized Tempur-Pedic bed to curl up and have a nap with our bitches Linda and Beverly.

Sources: NY Magazine, NY Observer, NY Post, Curbed

The Vacation House of Pirro

SELLER: Jeanine and Albert Pirro
LOCATION: West Palm Beach, FL
PRICE: $795,000 (taxes: $12,274/year and association dues: $6,624/year)
SIZE: 3,892 square feet, 4 bedroom, 3.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: (considerably reduced from listing agent's website)...Private Master suite is graciously appointed with 6-paneled doors, His & Hers fitted walk-in closets with mirrored doors, plus a separate side closet...13 x 10 ft. sitting room off the master bedroom provides a bright room with additional space for reading, your computer needs, or just simply relaxing...Master Bathroom provides two separate room with separate vanities, commode, and dual shower entry...Glass block in master bath maximizes the natural light over the roman tub surrounded by 20" floor tiles and "her" separate vanity with knee space/make-up sitting area.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Here we are down in West Palm Beach checking out the vacation home of Jeanine and Albert Pirro. Once again, because we're dealing with the property of a couple of high-powered attornies, we want to state for the record what you're reading here is our opinon.

As many of you know from our last posting, Your Mama was stupefied and practically speechless regarding the Pirros' puzzling and offensive primary residence up in Westchester County, just North of New York City. And as you might imagine from the photos, Your Mama is no more impressed with their vacation home which is located about eight miles from the ocean in The Breakers West development on Okeechobee Boulevard .

According The Breakers West Realty Corporation website, the development lays claim to a Rees Jones golf course and a relationship with the elegant and famous oceanfront Breakers Hotel in Palm Beach. Your Mama vehemently opposes living in housing developments like this Breakers West place, but by all accounts, the development is meant to be high class, hunny. We're not convinced.

In addition to the astronomical quarterly maintenance ($1,656/quarter in the case of the Pirro property), owners can purchase several additional memberships which allow them access to various high-priced amenities. For example, an "Ocean Membership" entitles you to such luxuries as complimentary access to the beach and pools at The Breakers Beach Club, complimentary greens fees and tennis court time, and of course, complimentary parking at the clubs. All this for the bargain price of $12,000 per year with a required membership deposit of $125,000. Your Mama does not know if the Pirros have enhanced their vacation lifestyle with any of the additional memberships, but we suspect they have. Just call it a hunch.

Anyhoo, the sheer decorative spectacle of the Pirros' Harrison house has, oddly enough, been replaced by an aggressive banality at their Florida hideaway. As we scanned the photographs, it took a few moments before we realized this property is indeed just as distressing as their Harrison house and there are a few items we'd like to point out that Your Mama finds in particularly bad taste.

Number One: The carpet. Little upsets Your Mama more than seeing acres of beige carpeting. This crime, made worse by it's being laid up in a damned tract house, is inexcusable in the home of a rich person, even if it is their second home.

Number Two: Those dining room chairs. These things not only fail at bringing the outside in, they make Your Mama's mouth go dry and have us headed straight to the liquor cabinet. When have the children seen anything so visually insulting pulled up to a dining room table?

Number three: The mammoth photograph of the Pirro-ettes hanging above the credenza in the living room. This tremendous photograph stopped Your Mama's eyes dead in their tracks. We have always found over-sized photographs of children, with their too pressed outfits and fake grins, to have a lurid quality that makes us edgy and uncomfortable.

Number four: The draperies. If only Your Mama was the Queen of the Curtains, banishment of this sort of swagged window treatment would be our first order of bizness. Are these swooping things supposed to be elegantly casual or casually elegant? Whatever they case, they serve no practical purpose, make Your Mama's skin crawl, and ought to be taken out with yesterday's trash.

If Your Mama did not know better, we would be sucked in by the photo of the swimming pool with the lovely water view. However, a quick look at an aerial shot of the development and we see this wee body of water is basically a man-made swamp. For all those that have never been to Florida in the summer, this swamp is no doubt a breeding ground for mosquitoes which makes lounging by that pool nearly impossible without being doused in DDT.

What Your Mama finds most upsetting about both Pirro properties is simple enough. This couple clearly has money to burn and could easily afford to hire a decorator to come in and give them tasteful and rich looking environments. But instead they choose this wild excess that channels Victoria Gotti when they could have had the places done up the esteemed and talented Bunny Williams.

As of today, Tuesday, February 20, 2007, Your Mama has no information on why the Pirro couple is liquidating their real estate assets. Perhaps there are debts to pay. Maybe they're looking for a fresh start, or as is widely rumored there could be a dee-vorce in the near future. Your Mama will certainly give the children and update when and if we hear anything.

Sources: Breakers West Realty Corporation

The House of Pirro

SELLER: Jeanine and Albert Pirro
LOCATION: Harrison, NY
PRICE: $4,295,000
SIZE: 1.43 acres, 7,873 square feet, 6 bedrooms, 5 full and 3 half bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: European elegance & sophistication abound in this impressive home with exquisite architectural detail. An open & flowing floor plan create a luxurious ambiance for large scale entertaining. Private 1.43 acre includes a pool, cabana, and small guest house. Projected HOA dues for 2007 $100-$200.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Before we get to really discussing this house, Your Mama would like to state right away that everything we write about this house is our opinion and what we have written about the private lives of the couple is all in the public record. See children, this house of decorating disasters belongs to former District Attorney for Westchester County Jeanine Pirro and her real estate attorney huzband Albert. So Jeanine and Al hunnies, don't sue us.

In addition to their primary residence up in the ritzy Westchester County enclave of Harrison, we will additionally be discussing the Pirros' vacation property in West Palm Beach, which the couple have also recently put on the market.

Your Mama imagines all the children not located in and around New York City likely do not know much about who these Pirro people are and why they merit inclusion in our little blog about celebrity real estate. But trust us when we tell you, these two are New York tabloid royalty.

Lady Pirro carved her well-earned reputation in the District Attorney's office as a tough litigator and advocate for the rights and protections of battered women...a real Gloria Allred type. Also well known for her ferocious self-promotion, impossibly short skirts, and stiletto heels, she was named one of People Magazine's 50 Most Beautiful People in 1997.

Lady Pirro, who for 12 years held the position as the District Attorney in Westchester County, has repeatedly attempted to parlay her one-time golden girl status with the GOP into a higher office. In 1986 she was hand picked by her party to be the the nominee for the office of Lieutenant Governor of New York. After allegations came to the surface about her huzband's alleged ties to reputed mobsters, Lady Pirro withdrew from the race.

Then in 2006, she sought, but did not obtain, the Republican nomination for Senate. She quickly switched gears and won the nomination for the New York State Attorney General, but lost the election to New York political scion Andrew Cuomo amid embarrassing allegations she hired Bernie Kerik, the former New York City police commissioner, to secretly wire-tap her huzband who she suspected was having an affair. Yikes!

Sir Pirro, a wily and wildly successful real estate attorney, has a somewhat checkered past that has played itself out quite publicly in the New York media. Indeed he has long standing professional relationships with such high profile individuals as The Donald (Trump), but he also has a well earned reputation as a philanderer and tax evader. In 2000 he was convicted on 66 counts of federal tax fraud after claiming as business expenses such luxuries as a Ferrari, two Mercedes Benz', the electronic gates to the house in Harrison, and salaries for staff that performed personal duties such as baby-sitting the Pirro children and taking the family's pot bellied pigs to the vet.

It also came out that Sir Pirro fathered a child with another woman while married to Lady Pirro. He denied the allegations for years, but after a court ordered DNA test was forced to accept responsibility for the child.

Children, can you imagine what these two talk about in the quiet of their bedroom before turning off the lights and going to sleep? Lawhd puppies, to be a fly on that wall.

Now, on to the Pirro's house of horrors up in Harrison. Now, the children all know Your Mama prefers not to hate on the real estate we discuss, but we also pride ourselves on calling it like we see it. And so we have to confess to all the children that we threw up in our mouth a little when we saw the photos of this house.

What have these people done to this poor house? No doubt everything here cost the Pirros' a small fortune, but seriously, what in the world were they thinking? We sometimes forget that people really do choose this kind of bizarre and ostentatious middle-class opulence. Your Mama is so overcome with fear and loathing we are at a loss as to where to begin discussing this nouveau riche extravaganza.

So we're not going to. After washing out our mouth and double checking the photos, Your Mama has determined this house is so disturbing and repellent that it requires no additional commentary.

The house is listed with Sotheby's at the shocking and truly unbelievable price of $4,295,000. However, we were not able to find the listing on their website, but rather on the Westchester County Board of Realtors' website.

Sources: The Journal News, New York Magazine, The Daily News, Wikipedia, JeaninePirro.com

What Could Be Finerman?

SELLER: Wendy Finerman
LOCATION: N. Faring Road, Holmby Hills, CA
PRICE: 11,950,000
SIZE: 10 bedrooms, 12 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Major Reduction – Best value in Holmby/Bel Air – Owner has bought in New York. Sensational East Coast Traditional style on almost 1 acre in Holmby Hills. Move-in condition + 2 story guest house + pool + gardens. Charm & function. Master with his & hers + office. 35 mm state of the art projection. Loads of bedrooms. Great family home.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: If the children are not movie people, you may not recognize Ms. Finerman's name at first read. However, inside the "Industry," this notoriously pin thin producer holds a powerful position. Wendy Finerman has produced many films including the recent Meryl Streep comedy, The Devil Wears Prada–which you know Your Mama enjoyed–but she came to the fore after spearheading, cultivating, producing, and winning an Academy Award for the that foul Forrest Gump film back in 1994.

We know this movie was much loved by the public and received many prestigious awards. But honestly children, Your Mama did not care for sitting in the dark of the movie thee-a-ter being spoon fed saccharin life lessons we were supposed to find particularly profound because they were uttered by Tom Hanks playing a mentally deficient individual. "Life is like a box of chocolates..." Oh Lawhd, no. We are of the opinion the success of this movie had more to do with feeling sorry for the simple minded and, even worse, feeling self-righteous because we understood, appreciated, and could really see the wisdom of a retarded man. Please. Call Your Mama cynical if you like, but we prefer to have our own feelings than be told by a movie what feelings we ought to be having.

Anyhoo, Your Mama could probably work ourselves into a stroke talking about that movie, but we would like to return to discussing this house up in the Holmby Hills. First purchased back in 1988 with her then huzband, Hollywood hot shot Mark Canton, Finerman raised their three children up in this house. And a big-ass family-style house it is too. This house looks like it could have been The Beaver's house if the Cleavers had been multi-millionaire Hollywood types.

There are some discrepancies in the size and number of bedrooms of this house. The property records show five bedroom and six bathrooms in 5,985 square feet. An article on Forbes.com back in mid-2006 states the house has 7 bedrooms. And the listing information from the Westside Estate Agency shows a stupefying 10 bedrooms and 12 bathrooms in about 10,000 square feet. A contact who has been inside the house tells Your Mama he thinks the numbers from Westside Estate Agency include all the bedrooms and bathrooms on the property including those in the main house, the two story guest house, and the pool house.

Ordinarily Your Mama does not cotton to the more traditional style houses, and that is true of how we feel about the Finerman house too. Which is not to say we don't find some decorative choices that we approve of and appreciate.

We're not sure of the practicality and comfort of the sitting area off the kitchen with it's baby grand piano and those two chairs pushed up too close to each other in front of the fireplace, but we are appreciating Finerman's inspired doorway border of family photographs. This motif is cleverly repeated in other areas of the house including on the risers of the stairs in the front hall which can be seen if you view the virtual tour.

All the children must know Your Mama done wet our pants over that leopard print rug in the den/library room. We are disturbed by the flesh colored sofa, but otherwise we would like to curl up on the blood red sofa in front of a fire reading all the tabs.

And of course, we do so like to see a proper gated estate with heated pool, lighted, regulation sized tennis court, guest house, and drive court. Your Mama would like whomever is responsible for designing this property to know we recognize the effort and success of squeezing all that comfortably onto the fairly small acre+ sized lot.

There are of course, also a few decorative issues we'd like to discuss that are less positive. That formal living room, while formally balanced, looks like a little used room in Grandma's upscale Toldeo Colonial. Just because a house has as many rooms as this house, that is no reason to ignore the decor. Especially when there's funding for a nice gay decorator to come up in here and do it up right.

The kitchen, while it appears well appointed, and that Wolf range can easily prepare meals for 20, leaves us feeling hollow. For the heart of the home, it just doesn't appear very warm. Of course, this lack of warmth is likely to be of little consequence to the next homeowner if the room is only to be used by the kitchen staff.

That large and dowdy room seen in the photos, the one with the peaked and beamed ceiling, is in fact the screening room (the screen being at the end of the room not shown in the photo). Your Mama appreciates the generous size (seats 20) and the multi-level layout which is helpful for the sight lines. But we are concerned this room is just too frumpy and not befitting a pre-screening of a blockbuster film. Unfortunately, Your Mama thinks this room looks more like the sort of place where the next straight to video production is screened for an audience of unknowns.

The house was first put on the market back in the Spring of 2006 and a much higher price – close to $15,000,000 – but was recently lowered to it's current asking price of $11,950,000. The reduction in price, in addition to reflecting the actual value to potential buyers of the house, also reflects Finerman's desire to sell the house quickly. With the children nearly grown and out of the house, Finerman is now married to a New York based business man and looking to move East. In fact, the listing description states Finerman has already purchased in New York. (If anyone would like to let Your Mama know where, shoot us an email.)

It may not be palatial or gaudy enough for The Spice Gurl and Sexy, but with all the bedrooms on this property they could easily house their three boys as well as a retinue of assistants, cooks, drivers, and maids. Your Mama thinks they could probably even manage to fit a full time hair and make-up team down in the guest house by the tennis court.

If not for the right house for that property fickle duo, Your Mama is thinking this house might also be perfect for a very rich L.A. based polygamist family like the one in that blasphemous Big Love program on the HBO. The first wife could live in the big house, the second wife in the guest house, and the just-of-age third wife in the pool house. And the grounds are surely spacious enough for 12 or 16 children to play comfortably.

Sources: Forbes.com, Westside Estate Agency, Lukeford.net, Filmbug.net

The Spice Gurl Rides Again...

SELLER: To Remain Anonymous
LOCATION: N. Whittier Drive, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $19,900,000
SIZE: 20,418 square feet, 7 bedrooms, 8.5 bathrooms (property records show 12 bathrooms)
DESCRIPTION: Totally redone contemporary limestone villa on over an acre w/ 20,000+, 7 bd + 8.5 ba. This gated estate is a European masterpiece of quality & style. Custom blt residence provides a spectacular blend of luxury & technology, no expense spared lush landscaping. Oversized limestone state of the art kitchen w/ every amenity, sec. sys., elevator. A world apart.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Right away Your Mama wants the children to know we have the name of the South African owner of this house, but because he is an innocent bystander in The Spice Gurl's Wild and Crazy Circus of Home Tours, we're going to keep that information to ourselves.

While Your Mama read about the return of The Spice Gurl on the wonderful World of Wonder website, it has been widely reported she is back in Los Angeles and has resumed her much ballyhooed search for a house to call home for Sexy and the three little boy brats.

Wilma Washington, one of our favorite tattlers in the rarefied Beverly Hills real estate world, recently told Your Mama The Spice Gurl was unable to find anything suitable in the $10-15,000,000 range and has upped the budget into the stratospheric $20,000,000+ range.

She also tells us considerable snickering echoes up and down Sunset Boulevard about the Beckhams' "not very good taste." Ouch! It appears The Spice Gurl and Sexy are more interested in the ridiculously opulent than the tastefully elegant.

Wilma also tells Your Mama gambling types would be wise to bet The Spice Gurl, Sexy, and the three little brats will end up living at The Beverly Hills Hotel or some other dee-luxe scratch crib before purchasing a home of their own .

Word on the street is The Spice Gurl will not be purchasing this property, but because she was interested enough to visit the property, Your Mama wanted to bring the children a few photos of some of the more "interesting" features of the home. How about that fireplace in the gym? Or the private massage room? Did the children notice all the mammoth lion statues? What about those disco lighting strips on the steps beside the pool? And children, does anyone know what on earth that hoozymajig with the lighted canopy could possibly be?

Hunnies, this house is such an L.A. cliche Your Mama finds it difficult to believe it actually exists. One of the listing agents at the venerable Westside Estate Agency has provided a fantastic virtual tour, but we recommend you do not view if you're having a queasy stomach.

Oops, She's Moving Again: UPDATE

SELLER: Britney Spears
LOCATION: 12094 Summit Circle, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $7,495,000
SIZE: 9,130 square feet, 6 bedrooms, 6.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: This exquisite Tuscan Villa in a prestigious gated community is situated behind gates on a quiet cul de sac with 24hr security. Designer perfect, this 6+6.5 7,453 sf (approx) enchanting estate accented by stunning landscaping, boasts a grand entry foyer, high ceilings, gourmet chef's kit, family rm, media rm, mds qtrs, stone & wd flrs, French drs lead out to park-like grounds and a sparkling pl. Romantic mastr ste w/fpl & balcony overlooking the pl complete this gorgeous home! Sold w/ furniture.

YOUR MAMAS UPDATE: Oh children, this story has become so intensely sad and depressing Your Mama is going to end up in a sanitarium before this saga is through. Run now and grab yourself a Xanax or whatever pills and liquids help you get happy because Your Mama is going to take you on a harrowing journey through the temporary residence of America's current tabloid queen.

The photos above expose the home newly bald-headed Britney Spears purchased just two months ago. As all the children know by now, Spears put the property back on the market earlier this week and some reports have her staying back at her house in Malee-boo. If Your Mama did not know this home belonged to Spears, we might be forgiven for thinking it looks like the large home of any-ole Los Angelean with money enough to hire a nice gay decorator.

Your Mama will not be tearing apart the decorative choices of the former homeowner. Perhaps our friend over at The Gilded Moose will tackle that job in one of his impossibly funny architectural reviews. What we would like to discuss are the small, heartbreaking details that can be seen in some of the photos.

Your Mama admits to relishing the tawdry demise of Spears' marriage to the wannabe White Rapper. (Did anyone think that marriage was really going last?) We even enjoyed her pathetic parade of teeny tiny outfits and multiple crotch shots as she cut her cross-country path through the club scenes in Los Angeles, Miami, Las Vegas, and New York.

Then around New Year's Eve things started to get ugly and Your Mama began to worry about this gurl. We no longer giggled with twisted delight when we read about her passing out or puking on herself. Instead we cringed and wished someone could help this wild child who seemed to be quickly veering into the out of control lane.

Our real sadness began when she bought this house. If you recall, the house was purchased fully furnished, and reportedly, on the spur of the moment. This desperate grab to buy a "home" makes Your Mama feel there was little in her Malee-boo marital house of horrors to which she felt attached or valued enough to take with her.

Even more puzzling and upsetting, Spears did not just purchase the furniture, she purchased everything in the house including the artwork, the books in the library, and even the knick-knacks. Was she unconsciously trying to purchase another life altogether?

Let's head up to the master bedroom. If you believe what the tabloids are saying lately, and we're not sure you should, this room is little used due to Spears' frequent forays into the Hollywood nightlife. We ask the children to look very closely at the bed. Do you see that lone blue stuffed bear perched forlornly on the edge of the bed looking like it could fall off any moment? It's a too obvious and melancholy metaphor for additional comment.

Also, please note the barren dressing area/closet. Does the absence of clothing in here mean Ms. Spears has already moved out? Or does it indicate a more gruesome reality in which she never really moved in? Which leads Your Mama to unhappily speculate all her trampy little outfits might actually be stuffed into an easily portable and tawdry little duffel bag in the trunk of her Mercedes ready to be moved to the next "home."

Next we would like to discuss the bedroom which appears to be that of Sean Preston, the elder heir to the Spears/Federline legacy. One of Britney's (many) people must have lickety split hired a gay decorator to come up in here to quickly turn a guest bedroom into one suitable for a child. Your Mama notes the kiddie patterned curtains, the over-sized stuffed animals, and the cute giraffe print chairs. But we're concerned the canopied bed is a little grown up for a two year old and wonder if little Sean Preston feels comfortable sleeping in this huge bed.

Moving on to the bedroom with the crib, which of course belongs to Jayden James. Unfortunately the efforts of the gay decorator prove even more dismal in this room. The kiddie print curtains are working hard to be cheerful and the train/truck thing hanging companionless on the wall behind the crib indicates this might be a boy's room. But other than these things, we see nothing to entertain, inspire or soothe a developing child. If that was not enough to induce deep despondency, please note the built in desk with computers to the left of the photo. Is this a nursery or home office? Poor Jayden.

The photos of the pool and terraces are really quite lovely and the backyard looks like a nice quiet place to curl up and relax on a warm winter day in Bev Hills. But children, do you think Britney has ever used the pool or sat up on that covered balcony pondering the hillside? No children, sadly we don't think so either. Like the rest of the house, these places feel empty and devoid of life and happiness.

Your Mama has a difficult time understanding why Spears didn't just take bungalow or two at the Beverly Hills Hotel. Wouldn't this have been a cleaner, simpler solution to her housing needs as she transitioned from marriage to single mommy-hood? Why go through the bother and expense to hire gardeners, maids, pool boys and the like. Why Britney? At a time like this, when you could use all the privacy you can find, wouldn't it have been more prudent not to have a bunch of strangers up in your house where they become privy to your private bizness?

Seriously Britney gurl, Your Mama hopes you are able to pull yourself together sooner rather than later. We would hate to see you go the way of the late Anna Nicole Smith. That may seem like an extreme statement now, but remember, before the blond superstar became a drug addled tragedy magnet she was just out having a good time, letting off steam, and looking for love just like you.

We understand you spent a day or two in rehab in the Bahamas then checked yourself out, headed right back to LA and got yourself a new tatoo. Hunny, where are your children? Listen, if you need a good head doctor, let Your Mama know and we'll set you up with the Dr. Cooter who we know for sure can help you through this rough tumble.

The House That Porn Bought: UDATE

SELLER: P.H. Realty Associates
LOCATION: 14-16 East 67th Street, New York
PRICE: $59,000,000
SIZE: 20,000+ sq. ft., 5 bedrooms, 6 full bathrooms, 3 half bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: (shortened from the listing agents website) The six story mansion contains original features such as the Carrara marble staircase. There is a Georgian Library of knotty pine paneling circa 1770. On the third floor is a 4,000 square foot master suite which has a fireplace, private garden..., ladies dressing area and bathroom with gold mosaic bathing tub, a gentleman's dressing area on the opposite side of the room, sitting room, and separate studio.

YOUR MAMAS UPDATE: Your Mama first discussed this property back in December of 2006, but this update comes courtesy of Braden's Keil's Gimme Shelter column. Keil really turned it up a notch this last week and we're still playing catch up with all his juicy tidbits. According to Keil, the former Guccione mansion looks like it may have finally found a buyer. Given the hefty asking price of $59,000,000, this sale, if it goes through, could easily set a new record price for a New York state residence.

The current record was set in October 2006 when J. Christopher Flowers, an obscenely rich investment banker, bought the mammoth Harkness Mansion on East 75th Street. Purchased from banker Jacqui Safra and producer Jean Doumanian, who never actually occupied the house and paid just $6,900,000 for the property in 1987, Your Mama nearly peed our real estate lovin' pants when we read Flowers purchased the the house for a jaw dropping $53,000,000. See babies, the price was particularly stunning as the 20,000 square foot behemoth "fixer upper" needs many, many million of dollars in renovations.

Anyhoo, back to the Penthouse Palace of Porn on East 67th Street. Your Mama would like to apologize for not doing as much homework as we should have when we first posted about this house. If we had, we would have been able to tell the children the house is no longer owned by Guccione and is in fact being sold through a group called P.H. Realty Associates. FYI: the P.H. stands for PentHouse.

This is all a wee bit confusing children, so if you care to read further, put on your thinking caps and see if you can stay with Your Mama.

Throughout the 1990s Guccione faced declining fortunes and financial difficulties. This house, with annual maintenance costs reportedly exceeding $5,000,000, became an unaffordable albatross around his neck. Eventually he was unable to continue making the astronomical mortgage payments. MORTGAGE? This man should have had the mortgage paid off back when he was swimming in all that T and A money.

Guccione first tried to sell the house in 2002 to ease his debt burden. However, the house found no buyers and was subsequently taken off the market. The property was foreclosed on in November of 2003. However, a group of investors came to the aid of Guccione and through an entity called NY Real Estate, LLC paid $26,500,000 in cash for the property. The cash for the purchase was floated as a loan to NY Real Estate, LLC by several groups including Laurus Funds, a hedge fund organization.

NY Real Estate, LLC was a group owned by the publicly traded Penthouse International, of which Guccione was no longer CEO, but was technically still his employer. And was soon enough his landlord too. Penthouse International leased the house back to Guccione for a lifetime lease of $1.00 per year. However, due to both Guccione's and Penthouse's continuing bankruptcy issues and mounting legal fees, Penthouse International found it in their best interest not to refinance the mortgage–the house, with it's lifetime lease was simply not marketable as an asset. As a result Laurus sued for possession of the house.

It appears the NY Real Estate, LLC group was then re-formed into P.H. Realty Associates, Guccione was tossed out on his keister, and the house once again put up for sale.

Your Mama hopes this story has finally found an happy ending with the pending purchase.

Sources: NY Post, Wikipedia, USA Today

Livin' Large Wit Damon Dash

SELLER: Damon Dash
LOCATION: Benedict Canyon area, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $3,795,000
SIZE: 5,875 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 7 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Gated long pvt to stunning Spanish villa w/Moroccan flair. Loggia entry, dramatic living room opens to lounge terrace w/city views. Large eat-in kitchen, dining room opens to patio w/FP + outdoor din area. Romantic master w/dual baths. FP & terrace. Lower level family/media room opens to pool and lounge area w/bar. Top level A/V systems. This on is really special.

YOUR MAMAS UPDATE: We got some new and additional photos for the children of Dash's Bev Hills crib for all the children to pour over. We stand by our overall assessment of the property, but we do have a better understanding of the house. Note the sneaker collection in the closet and the crazy paint techniques.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: We're going to head back over to the West coast to bring the children a property we haven't seen written about anywhere else. This Beverly Hills house, tucked up in the hills above Benedict Canyon, belongs to bling bling loving hip hop honcho Damon Dash. The house, built in 1999, was purchased in June 2003 from Hollywood hot stuff Jeffrey Kwatinetz (rhymes with twat-splits). This was before Dash was dashed from his role at Roc-A-Fella Records and Rocawear, the companies he started with hip hop juggernaut Jay-Z, who of course all the children know lays up in the bed with big booty-ed Beyonce Knowles.

The children more than likely recognize this Kwatinetz person's name because at one time he was engaged to elfin blond actor gurl Brittany Murphy whose old house up on Verbena Drive in Los Angeles, the one with the leopard print carpeting in the bedroom, was recently re-sold for around $1,000,000.

Ordinarily, Your Mama could care less about this gurl, however, not too long ago we were bed-fast with tooth pain and we got to watching reruns of that cartoon program on the Fox called King of the Hill. Well, don't you know this skinny bitch excellently played the voice of the haphazzard and high-larious Luanne Platter character.

Kwatinetz founded and currently acts as the head of the talent management company The Firm, whose roster of clients includes American Idol Kelly Clarkson and the hunky, "ambiguous" Vin Diesel. Back in 2005 The Firm very publicly (Page Six via Defamer) lost A-list client Jennifer Lopez after Twatsplits rudely did not show up to TWO scheduled meetings with JLo. And hunnies, you know she was PISSED something ugly about that and is probably at the Scientology Celebrity Centre right now trying to get clear on that.

Anyhoo, according to an admittedly somewhat dated, but very thorough profile in New York Magazine, our Mister Dash has mastered the art of living large.

His ride: a $400,000 chauffeur driven Maybach.
His people: Butler, Driver, Cook, Personal Assistant, Executive Assistant, and a Photographer (for posterity of course)
His kicks: a collection of 1,300 sneakers
His chatters: two cells, one blackberry, all with back up batteries
His cribs: A recently renovated loft in Tribeca and of course this place up in the Bev Hills

Since being unceremoniously ousted and handsomely paid off to the tune of $20,000,000 by Def Jam Records (parent company of Roc-A-Fella), New York Magazine reports that Dash has been somewhat at a loss for what to do on a day to day basis. Your Mama finds this a little difficult to believe. Dash, who claims to be more concerned with making huge amounts of money in general than turning out hip hop hits specifically, owns a variety of companies including Swiss watch maker Tissot, Armadale Vodka, and the Pro-Keds sneaker brand. Lawhd children, how could he not be having anything to occupy his time?

In the New York Magazine profile we are endlessly referencing it was reported Dash was hunting for a place in Miami, but became annoyed when he suspected the real estate agents involved spoke to the press about the properties in which he was interested. So we want it noted for the record that listing agent Brett Lawyer at Sotheby's did not bring us this tip. Your Mama is going to have to keep our source(s) on this one in the vault.

As we imagine the children are, Your Mama was somewhat surprised at the relative modesty of this residence. When we heard Dash was selling his house in Bev Hills, we figured he lived in some palatial Persian palace-like place. But no. While Dash cuts a flashy figure while out and about sipping champagne in the backseat of his Maybach, it would seem he prefers to come home to something more cozy. We are appreciating the inviting and luxurious looking lounges on the terrace, but Damon hunny, that living room set-up makes Your Mama's skin crawl. We can only hope that room has been (poorly) staged for the photos and you were not in fact living up in that abomination.

Your Mama is fully digging the location and architectural styling of this house. We become jelly kneed over long, gated drives, loggias, covered terraces, and outdoor fireplaces. There are a few issues however that concern us and think potential buyers might also be bothered by.

1. The drive court: This area is simply not large enough to comfortably park the Bentley, the Hummer, the Denali, the Mercedes 500SL and the Daiwoo the maid drives to work. Your Mama won't even get near a Hummer let alone own such an atrocity, but all these buttheads up in Beverly Hills think nothing of hogging the lanes on Sunset Blvd. and taking up multiple parking spots in the garage at The Grove with their monsters of motoring. So for a house to fetch a good price there has got to be room to park and maneuver a beast like this at home.
2. The outdoor space: We know Dash has three children (by three different baby mommas), but this property is not child friendly. That sliver of green space between the house and the retaining wall just isn't enough room for resident shorties to get their recreation on.
3. The neighbors: It appears the houses across the canyon are actually quite close. Your Mama is concerned the neighbors might be inclined to peep through the windows, or even worse, wave and holler across the canyon inviting us to some god-forsaken backyard barbecue.

In New York, Dash holes up on two floors at the Atalanta. While it may be the tallest loft conversion in Tribeca, Dash's duplex sits on lower floors. It does however sprawl across 5, 142 square feet and, again according to the New York Magazine, the apartment underwent a recent renovation and includes a suite of three rooms Dash uses as a closet and dressing area.

Because Dash has multiple Hollywood type projects in the works Your Mama is quite sure Dash will maintain a residence in Los Angeles after selling this house. If we hear of where Dash ends up, we'll let you know. And of course, if any of the children hear of where Dash ends up, be sure to let Your Mama know.

Sources: New York Magazine, Defamer, The Guardian, Wikipedia

Lorraine Bracco Again, This Time In Sneden Landing

SELLER: Lorraine Bracco
LOCATION: Snedens Landing, NY
PRICE: $3,200,000
SIZE: 3 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Actor's serene riverfront retreat adjoins nature preserve, set in pristine woodland. Walk to waterfall. Kayak on the Hudson, Magnificent views of starry nights and sunrise on the Hudson. Architectural plans and model for previous expansion plans may be available.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: As was reported in Braden Keil's Gimme Shelter column today, at the urging of her children, Sopranos actress Lorraine Bracco has taken her Bridgehampton "horse country" house off the market. Your Mama previously discussed this property so we're going to move on to another of Ms. Bracco's real estate holdings that is up for sale.

This property, located in the exclusive Hudson River celebrity filled enclave of Sneden Landing, was purchased in 1989 by Ms. Bracco and her then husband Harvey Keitel from another strong famous lady, the incomparable Ellen Burstyn.

Oh Lawhd children we apologize for getting off track. Anyhoo, Ms. Bracco's Sneden Landing property, located on 2 acres of private and prime river front land, served as Ms. Bracco's sanctuary through some difficult times in the 1990s. The tough talking Bracco managed to hang on to this property even though in late 1999, after her finances were ravaged by a custody battle with Keitel, she was forced to declare personal bankruptcy.

The obviously strong willed Ms. Bracco struggled, fought, scrimped, saved and worked her ass off to pay her legal fees and back taxes. Her efforts have clearly paid off as is apparent by her current real estate portfolio. It's unclear whether Bracco is cutting back on the number of residences she wants to maintain or if she'll be purchasing another property. What is clear is that Ms. Bracco has been trying to sell this property for a number of years. First put on the market in 2004 for $4,400,000, the price has been reduced over time to it's current asking price of $3,200,000.

Predictably, Your Mama has mixed feelings about Sneden Landing. On the one hand, it's a lovely, upscale community that relishes in it's seclusion and privacy. However, even though it's really New York state, Your Mama can't help but feel we're headed to New Jersey when we cross over the George Washington Bridge. Now all you New Jersey dwellers don't be sending me nasty little emails about how nice New Jersey is to live and raise babies. We do not want to hear it.

The ultra-private location of this house may make up for it's practically New Jersey location. Bordered by the mighty Hudson on one side and preserved lands on the other, Your Mama could streak butt-nekked way all the way to the waterfall located on the property without being seen by a living soul.

We were non-plussed by Ms. Bracco's decor at her Hamptons hideaway, and we feel similarly about this place. It's nice. Safe. Homey. But if we're being honest, we find it all a little boring. We have heaps of respect for Ms. Bracco and how she's pulled herself by her hard-working bootstraps and all that, but seriously gurl, hire yourself a nice gay decorator for you next home.

Sources: NY Post, San Francisco Chronicle, Wired New York

Will Howard Stern Be Booted From Terry Allen Kramer's Southampton Estate?

SELLER: Terry Allen Kramer
RENTER: Howard Stern
LOCATION: Southampton, NY
PRICE: $35,000,000
SIZE: 3.6 acres, 8,500 square feet (approx.), 8 bedrooms, 9 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: This beautiful, 2-story, shingle-style Traditional oceanfront home, situated on 3.6 south-of-the-highway acres with 350' frontage on the ocean, boasts 9 bedrooms (4 staff bedrooms), 8 baths, formal dining room, 3 fireplaces, open living room, all appliances, air conditioning, 2-car garage, oceanside, heated gunite pool. This fabulously landscaped property is also on Wickapogue Pond.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: For all the children out there who may not know who Terry Allen Kramer is, let Your Mama educate you. Technically this lady is a successful Broadway producer with credits that include the recently closed Twyla Tharpe dance extravaganza Movin' Out and the latest production of Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf. But really, much of Ms. Allen Kramer's stupendous wealth was inherited from her father's vast wealth and is underpinned by her dead financier husband's stockpile of cash.

The Allen Kramer's built their Southampton beach hut more than 20 years ago and the couple and their family no doubt happily spent many a summer sunning themselves by the ocean side pool. None the less, the house was put up for sale in 2005 for the astronomical price of $35,000,000. Even though the gated property is exquisitely and privately located down a private lane off Old Town Road, finding a buyer has proved difficult.

At any rate, according to Braden Keil at the NY Post, the house is currently rented to Howard Stern for a whopping $600,000 for an extended season. As many of the children will recall from a recent post, Big Hair and his soon to be wifey Beth sold off their Amagansett ocean front recently and are building a new place on Squabble Lane in Southampton.

In his column, Mister Keil states it is unclear if Big Hair and wifey have been told of the sale and could be upset about the sale. See babies, the convenience of this rental is undeniable for Big Hair as the couple can casually stroll down the beach to check on the construction of the new ocean front palace being built which is just four properties East. Your Mama imagines the rental agreement will be honored and Big Hair and wifey will stay in residence through the summer. If not, and Big Hair and wifey are indeed booted, they'll face a strong Hamptons rental market and may in fact have a difficult time locating a rental that suits them.

While Your Mama is not fond of the rather fussy decor we see in the photographs, this style is in fact fairly typical of the mammoth beach shacks of the super wealthy in the staid Southampton area. None the less, the property does include some interesting and notable features.

The heated, water side, above ground pool has been cleverly designed to appear as an in ground pool. There also happens to be enough decking around the pool for Your Mama to roller skate our hips off in a tight fitting, flower printed, uber-wasp Lily Pulitzer bikini.

Up on the third floor, on the ocean side of the house, a small terrace has been tucked up into the eaves. We think this was a sublime and clever use of space and Your Mama sees us sprawled out on the chaise, reading the latest Danielle Steel piece of trash and ringing the bell for the kitchen help to run up a box of Popsicles.

Some people will find the location of this house, situated on a spit of land between the angry Atlantic and calm Wickapogue Pond, as highly desirable. But not Your Mama. No siree bob. If we owned this property we would be obsessively worried about would happen in the event of a hurricane and would surely need to be on a regular dosage of Dr. Cooter prescribed Xanax.

Your Mama is not sure what Ms. Allen Kramer will be doing now that she's sold the Southampton estate. Perhaps she'll be spending more time at La Follia, her monsterous 44,000 square foot Palm Beach mansion.

Your Mama will also keep you posted if we receive any additional information about if and where Big Hair and wifey will be moving once the sale of this property goes through.

Sources: NY Post, Forbes, Real Estate Journal

Vincent D'Onofrio's Den

SELLER: Vincent D'Onofrio
LOCATION: Christodora House, 143 Avenue B, NYC
PRICE: $2,600,000 (combined sale price)
SIZE: 1,905 square feet (combined), 3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms (combined)
DESCRIPTION: Incredible opportunity to create the most gorgeous 3 bedroom combination apartment with direct Park, City, and Empire State Building Views from 12 windows, at the celebrated Christodora House, an incredible Landmark Pre-war Condominium.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Back in the day, Your Mama would have eaten glass and/or tortured your children to live in the Christodora House. As it turns out, it was Your Mama's Doctor Cooter who had the pleasure of living up on the 9th floor of this building back in the late 1980s before the East Village became infested with bankers and nannies.

One of the first doorman buildings in the East Village and fronting the once squalid and fruit-cake filled Tompkins Square Park, Christodora House has long been a relatively expensive and elegant oasis in a sea of drugs, pitt bulls, and homeless folks. Of course, the last few years have seen the East Village turn into the Upper West Side, but that's another sad, sad story.

The building, originally built as a settlement house for the poor and converted to luxury condominiums in 1986, has a long history of celebrity dwellers including the notorious Iggy Pop. Currently, there are loads of successful arty farty types who maintain residences here such as photoreaslism painter Richard Estes and photographer/model Sigrid Rothe, but it appears Mr. D'Onofrio was the last of the real deal celebrities living up in this building.

Surely all the children are familiar with Mr. D'onofrio's freakily intense character on that obscenely ubiquitous Law and Order Criminal Intent program. This damn program is playing on at least two channels ev-er-ee time Your Mama turns on the boob-tube. There are times, when our medications aren't quite correct, that Your Mama gets to believing all these Law and Order shows constitute a sick collaboration between the entertainment industry and the government. Are they trying to scare the bejeesus out of us with all those shows about sexually abusing mommies and psychotic serial killers living next door? Or are they trying to scare the Jesus into us?

And to make matters worse, this program regularly films out front of Your Mama's building in New York. So we have got to be regularly living with their trailers, electric cables, hot lights and bossy production assistants who think because they are holding a clip board and have a walkie-talkie strapped to their head they own the street. Hunnies, one day Your Mama is going to haul off and and smack one of these assholes when they tell us to "please go around," or instruct us as to where it's okay for our bitches Linda and Beverly to do their durty bizness.

Anyhoo, Your Mama digresses. Public records show the famously five-o'clock shadowed Mister D'Onofrio and the unfortunately surnamed wifey Catherine van der Donk purchased the two fifth floor apartments at Christodora House in 1998. Some insiders say their intention was to combine the two apartments, but for one reason or another, this never happened.

The listing, presented by Citi-Habitats' Danny Davis, describes one apartment as a 2 bedroom 2 bathroom and the second as a 1 bedroom and 1 bathroom. However a quick look at the floor plan does not show a second bedroom or a second full bathroom in the larger apartment.

We're not sure what the story is with that. However, as all the children can see with extreme envy in their hearts, the larger of the two apartments contains a baronial sized living room with the original paneling and massive fireplace. Mister Davis was somewhat miserly with the photographs so we're just going to have to use our imaginations when thinking about what this impressive room actually looks like.

The listing agent suggests these apartments could easily be combined into a sprawling 3 bedroom, 3 bathroom apartment with 50 feet on the park. If any of our architect readers out there would like to give a crack at re-designing the layout of this apartment, Your Mama would be happy to post the winning design and then forward it on to the new owner.

The D'Onofrio apartments were being offered separately and together. The combined asking price was $2,395,000. According to Mister Max Abelson, they were both purchased by the same buyer for $2,600,000, which indicates to Your Mama there were multiple bids.

No word on where the D'Onofrios might be moving, but we do have a mutual friend in common who is also in the television bizness who recently sold off their East Village townhouse and moved West to Los Angeles. Perhaps their move marks the beginning of a westward trend. Although with Law and Order still filming at an alarming pace, we don't expect this couple to relocate to Los Angeles any time soon. But, perhaps they are considering life after Law and Order (if there is such a thing) and know something about that time frame we don't.

Sources: NY Observer, Citi-Habitats

Hi hunnies...

Good morning babies. We hope you're recovered from all the Valentine's Day romance and mekkin love. Truthfully, Your Mama could use a day or two of rest, but celebrity real estate waits for no one.

Lawhd childrin, that Mister Braden Keil over at the NY Post had an a-may-zing column today and it is going to keep Your Mama tied to this computer all day. Out of his one column we are going to be bringing y'all updates on the following:

1. the Guccione mansion in Manhattan
2. Lorraine Bracco's Hamptons hideaway and her place in Snedon's Landing
3. Howard Stern's extremely expensive summer rental in the Hamptons which Terry Allen Kramer has recently sold
4. Reed Krakoff's new place in East Hamptons

We got the shit on Treat William's place on the Upper West Side too (also reported by Mister Keil), but that may just have to wait a day or two.

Your Mama is also going to be bringing you Vincent D'Onofrio's place in the East Village that was reported in Max Abelson's Manhattan Transfers column.

And we're going to be bringing you 1 or 2 celebrity sales that Your Mama has not seen reported elsewhere.

We've got all the photos and floorplans, but y'all are just going to have to give Your Mama some time to collect ourselves and get all the typing into the computer. We just hope you appreciate all this because we're certainly going to have some carpal tunnel syndrome before we're finished today.

Stay tuned babies..

The Wendy Wasserstein Apartment

SELLER: estate of Wendy Wasserstein
LOCATION: 75 Central Park West
PRICE: $5,220,000 / sale price (maintenance: $3,331 /month)
SIZE: 3 bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: This warm and elegant 8 into 7 room apartment sits high up on the SE corner of a pre-war Candela building facing the Park Flexible layout with 3 bedrooms, 3.5 baths, LR with WBFP, Formal Dining Room, with built-ins, grand Chef's EIK, MBR with dressing area. Classic renovation. Panoramic views, W/D, Family friendly

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: This lovely apartment with a thoughtful floor plan was owned by noted writer/playwright Wendy Wasserstein. Ms. Wasserstein passed away in January of 2006 due to lymphoma complications. As you know, Your Mama usually makes pithy remarks about the properties and celebrities we're discussing, but with this one we're feeling more reverential than sassy.

As was reported in Max Abelson's Manhattan Transfers column last week, the beloved apartment of Ms. Wasserstein was recently sold for $5,220,000. The apartment, with enviable views of Central Park, was first listed in late July 2006 for $5,475,000 and the price was reduced in late October to $4,995,000. As it turns out, the new owners, who according to Abelson are Brookings Institute fellows Dina and George Perry, paid $225,000 over the last asking price indicating there were likely multiple interested parties.

Wasserstein came to the attention of play goers and literary types in 1977 with her play Uncommon Women and Others. Wasserstein's plays were notable for showing women struggling and coping with contemporary issues of empowerment and the fallacies perpetuated through cookie cutter Hollywood-style romances among other high-minded, but genuine issues.

In addition to her many well received and lauded plays, Ms. Wasserstein wrote several books of essays including the wonderfully titled, Shiksa Goddess. Her first novel, titled Elements of Style, is scheduled to be published post-humously in April of 2007.

The apartment, on the 11th floor of one of Central Park West's quieter, second tier buildings appears to have been an inviting, cozy, and well appointed aerie for Wasserstin, her young daughter Lucy Jane and their coterie of literary and arty friends. Wasserstien's pal, fellow playwright, and frequent house guest Christopher Durang is quoted in Abelson's column saying, "the cats would sit on the table with the flowers—it was very picturesque."

Your Mama wishes Ms. Wasserstein's friends and family well, particularly her daughter who sadly will grow up more familiar with the legend of her mother than the real person. Fortunately Wasserstein's legacy precedes her and she was by all accounts whip smart, tremendously witty, enormously funny, and uncommonly talented.

Sources: NY Observer, NY Times, Stribling NY

Oops, She's Moving Again

SELLER: Britney Spears
LOCATION: 12094 Summit Circle, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $7,495,000
SIZE: 9,130 square feet, 6 bedrooms, 6.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: This exquisite Tuscan Villa in a prestigious gated community is situated behind gates on a quiet cul de sac with 24hr security. Designer perfect, this 6+6.5 7,453 sf (approx) enchanting estate accented by stunning landscaping, boasts a grand entry foyer, high ceilings, gourmet chef's kit, family rm, media rm, mds qtrs, stone & wd flrs, French drs lead out to park-like grounds and a sparkling pl. Romantic mastr ste w/fpl & balcony overlooking the pl complete this gorgeous home! Sold w/ furniture.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Oh Lawhd children, she's on the move again. This poor gurl, who can't seem to keep herself out of the news to save her own plummeting reputation, has Your Mama so stressed out over all her moving, shaking, shucking, and jiving our di-bee-tus is acting up something terrible.

That's right hunnies, this one-time pop star, who became famous for flaunting her virginal sexuality and who has reportedly turned into a stripper loving, limo puking, mommy of two, has put the house she purchased in early January BACK ON THE MARKET. You can see where we wrote up that purchase here and here.

Not only has she put the property back on the market after only 6 weeks of ownership, she's asking $300,000 more than it was widely reported she paid for the property. Your Mama does not mean to be a hater when we say this, but does this gurl really think her name is worth the $300,000 increase in price? Please. Not right now, doll, not right now.

Your Mama has no idea why the soon to be ex-Mrs. White Rapper has decided to sell this house. Perhaps she's finally decided to leave the Los Angeles area to focus on raising her kids and making music. Perhaps she's moving back to New York City. Maybe she's returning to her back water Louisiana home town. Who. Knows. And unfortunately for her, all the children and Your Mama too are thisclose to not caring anymore.

The house has been listed with Coldwell Banker's Jade Mills, one of Los Angeles' uber-agents to the stars. Ms. Mills biography claims she's the #1 Coldwell Banker agent up in Bev Hills and the #10 C.B. agent nationwide. So you know if anyone can sell this house, it is this lady.

Spears' Malibu house of marital horrors remains on the market at $13,500,000 and you can read about our post on that house here.

We would like to thank a man we'll call Mister T. for contacting Your Mama with this late breaking news. Your Mama is always greatly appreciative of our tipsters, sources, and inside information givers.

Sources: Mister T., Perez Hilton, New York Daily News

Is Max Weinberg Flipping Out?

SELLER: Max Weinberg
LOCATION: 1345 Vista Moraga, Brentwood, CA
PRICE: $8,200,000
SIZE: 8,085 square feet, 6 bedrooms, 6.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Situated behind the gates in the exclusive Moraga Estates, this “Lautner-esque” architectural home is perched on its own knoll and sited on over 2 acres with head-on views of the city and ocean below. Impressively scaled at over 8000 square feet, this home features 6 bedrooms and 6.5 baths, a huge motor courtyard with 4-car garage, soaring ceilings and a large sparkling pool with waterfall. Professionally landscaped gardens and rolling lawns complete this magnificent living experience.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: This one is for all the late night television watching children out there. In case you did not know, Max Weinburg is that be-speckled man who beats the drums on the Conan O'Brien show. Personally, we find his ventriloquist doll grin a little puzzling and troublesome, but he's got seer-ee-us music industry pedigree having been the drummer for Bruce Springsteen's E Street Band since 1974.

Your Mama does not watch Mister Conan's celebrity yak fest being that we prefer to spend our late nights watching reruns of that unseemly Will and Grace program and also the reruns of Tyra Bank's excellent show about skinny model bitches. You know the one. Don't lie. We know you do.

Back in December of '06 we posted about the very tall Mr. O'Brien and his recent purchase of a large, terraced apartment at The Majestic in New York City. Now children, we looked at this earlier post on O'Brien and realized it's rather shabby, but it'll just have to do 'cause Your Mama just does not have time to do it up proper right now. You can read that paltry post and see the floor plan here.

Back to the New Jersey based Max Weinburg and his house in Los Angeles. We're not sure why Maxie would need a house like this in Los Angeles, given his work and family are on the East Coast. To further confuse the matter, property records show this house was purchased only in early 2006 for an undisclosed price. Perhaps Maxie saw this as a good opportunity and like so many moneyed celebrity types, is flipping this property and cashing in on the scorching hot L.A. real estate market. Your Mama contacted the listing agent, a Mr. H. Blair Chang at Prudential CA John Aaroe, for clarification, but as of today he has decided to remain silent on the subject.

Technically this house is located in Brentwood. It has a Brentwood zip code (90049). But, it's so close to Bel Air that the folks up in these parts like to say it's Bel Air, even though it's really not. The dividing line is around Chalon Road, but those who own property between Chalon Road and the 405 feel their hearts, minds and pocketbooks are really more Bel Air than Brentwood.

Your Mama feels all mixed up about this house. One photo we groove to, the next we are concerned someone has made a terrible mistake. See children, we appreciate the long, low California modern design. And the walls of floor to ceiling glass and the huge sliders make Your Mama weak in the knees. We approve of the sometimes soaring cedar ceilings and we can live with some of the slate tiles on the floors. Some of it.

But upon closer examination, we are concerned the back of the house may have a slight air of Aspen, which is certainly not what we're looking to find up in Brentwood. Or Bel Air for that matter. We do think this issue can be fixed with a good architect and hope the next owner will choose to do so.

We would think in this price range, with a lot this size, and in this location, we would find a tennis court. But alas. However, the heated swimming pool is truly dee-vine. Your Mama could do without the kooky, contempo waterfall, but we delight in the angular and still simple shape of the pool. We particularly relish the snappy incorporation of the spa into the design. Your Mama can imagine many an afternoon sitting here, looking at the long and aspirational views in the quiet serenity of Brentwood. Or Bel Air.

The kitchen on the other hand needs some urgent attention. It's not without it's positive points. We do appreciate the size (large), and the amount of counter space (plenty), and it appears to have enough ovens to bake cupcakes for all of Brentwood.

But, as you might imagine, it's that light fixture that has Your Mama totally unnerved and reaching for our first gin and tonic of the day. No doubt when this house was built in the 1980s, this sort of lighted ceiling panel was all the rage in kitchen design. We suppose this light fixture might be okay if the kitchen doubled as a surgical suite. Lawhd children, there's enough wattage up in that ceiling the homeowner could have the plastic surgeon come to the house and do the cutting and pulling right up in this kitchen.

And do not get Your Mama started on that beige tile work or the $50 Home Depot sink.

As the children know, Your Mama does not like to go after listing agents. But we think if you're going to make the (somewhat dubious) choice to stage an empty property, then please stage the property properly. We find the few bits and pieces of furniture strewn about the house distracting and not complementing the overall aesthetic of the house.

The listing agents have provided a virtual tour, which can be found here as long as the property remains for sale. Please note Your Mama purposefully chose to not use photos of the bathrooms in our montage as they were just too upsetting to include.

Overall, Your Mama thinks this is a good house that could be a great house. It just needs about $700,000 in upgrades and renovations. But if you're spending upwards of $8,000,000 bucks for a house, what's another 5, 7, or 800,000?

Sources: Prudential California, Wikipedia

Howard Stern's EX-Summer House (Updated 02/14/07)

SELLER: Howard Stern
LOCATION: Ship Wreck Drive, Amagansett
PRICE: $7,600,000 (last list price)
SIZE: 1.75 acres, 5,500 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 5.5 baths
DESCRIPTION: (shortened from the listing agent's website) This 5,500 sq. ft. 5 bedroom Frank Hollenbeck/John Hummel collaboration is privately poised in the dunes overlooking 350' of pristine Amagansett beachfront...An open floor plan suggests relaxed weekends with complete kitchen, dining area and vaulted ceiling great room. The private master wing is joined by 4 additional guest suites for fortunate family and friends. Outside the heated pool and spa with generous decking is joined by a separate studio where your gym equipment will surely get good use.

YOUR MAMAS UPDATE: Well would you looky at that. Turns out Big Hair is the marrying type afterall...and according the LAist, Big Hair gave her a big diamond and then a big, uh, well, Your Mama is too decent to say what else he gave her, but you can read all about it here.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Just writing about this man makes Your Mama feel durrty. Deliciously dirty, but dirty none the less. We'll muddle through as best as we can and then head to the showers to scrub off the grime by association. That's right puppies, this is the former home of that fuzzy headed, filthy mouthed, stripper loving, satellite radio shock jock Howard Stern. Did you hear Your Mama, the FORMER home. So don't none of you freako star fuckers drive out to the Hamptons and park your sad rides out front of this house thinking you're going to get a glimpse of Mister Big Hair and the wifey.

See, turns out the primary reason Big Hair and wifey (blond bomber Beth Orlosky) sold this post-modern dune riding summer shack is the location of this property was discovered by "fans" who camped out at the bottom of the drive and used the public beach access to hang around on the beach behind the house. Honestly. These "fans" really make Your Mama wonder if they're not correct in the head. Do they really think the way to endear themselves to a big celebrity is to stand out on the beach and holler at them as these celebs cook up their burgers and hot dogs on the barbecue? Please.

Big Hair and wifey rented this ocean front house way out in Amagansett for a couple of seasons before agreeing to purchase the property in 2002 for about $5,500,000. As it happens, this house is just a long stone's throw from Your Mama's favorite side-of-the-highway clam shack.

Your Mama's opinion on the house, a post-modern version of a classic shingled Hamptons summer house, is that it appears rather typical and even bland. Lots of square footage in a great ocean front location, but otherwise sort of, well, ordinary. If you ask Your Mama, and of course no one did, the best feature of this property is the heated ocean side swimming pool. Now children, that is some seer-ee-us luxury to be able to have your house boy Miguel serve you fish tacos pool-side while you sit on a chaise, feigning ennui, and staring at the crashing waves of the Atlantic.

Anyhoo, the happy couple had only a couple of happy seasons here before they felt they needed to move to a more secluded and secure location. Someplace where Mister Big Hair's "fan's" would not be up their butts while they were trying to have a relaxing weekend at the sea shore.

So they called up Corcoran's Gary DePersia, Hamptons uber-agent to the rich and famous, and put this place on the market. It is our understanding the asking price had to be lowered several times before securing a buyer.

Mr. Big Hair and wifey famously looked long and hard for a new property. Their house hunt was splashed on the gossip pages from Manhattan to Montauk, and due to the publicity the couple claimed to put an end to their search.

However, according to the New York Post's Braden Keil (via a website called Howard Shrine), this privacy seeking couple in fact had made offers on a couple of properties that did not pan out. First they lost out on a $20,000,000 home on Further Lane, which in addition to being one of the swankest locations in the Hamptons, would have made them neighbors with Mr. Jerry Seinfeld as well as many other super-rich and famous Hamptonites.

Then the couple was outbid on a tremendous, 22,000 square foot house on Scuttle Hole Road in Bridgehampton's horse country. This house, a newly built spec-house, sported an indoor basketball court. Of course, Your Mama thinks an indoor basketball court is stoopid, but maybe Big Hair and wifey like to dribble and shoot. Who knew.

The couple finally settled on a 4.3 acre plot of vacant, ocean front land in Southampton with a Squabble Lane street address for which they paid a reported $20,000,000. For vacant land! That should tell you something about housing prices in the Hamptons. But given Big Hair's much publicized $100,000,000 contract from Sirius Satellite Radio, Your Mama knows they can afford the property.

Mister Big Hair and wifey have embarked on building what will mostly likely be a huge, well-appointed house on this land. But we can't help but wonder what the more staid, super-rich neighborhood residents think of this purchase. We imagine the neighbors, who include Terry Allen Kramer and Leonard Stern, are probably concerned there's going to be a club in the basement and several stripper poles up in this crib. However, we understand Big Hair and wifey are actually quiet homesteaders who are unlikely to disrupt the calm of this blue blood hood.

The location of this property should ensure the couple plenty of privacy. Access is down a very, very long drive with tall privet hedges lining both sides. Once built the only part of the house likely be visible from Squabble Lane will be the roof line. And no doubt, this is exactly what Big Hair and wifey are looking for.

Your Mama knows Beth Ostrosky is NOT married to Big Hair...so all you wing nuts can stop sending your nasty, holier than thou emails. Read and study the comment on this post from Stormy for the correct way to come at Your Mama (thank you Stormy hunny).

Sources: Forbes, NY Post, Curbed, The Howard Shrine

Today Is The Day of Rest

And we will not be bringing you fresh real estate pornography today. However Your Mama would like to take a few minutes to thank a man in Malaysia by the name of Peter for helping us migrate our site from a 2 column situation to a 3 column extravaganza.

Your Mama was pulling out what hair we have left and we was screaming at our bitches Linda and Beverly in such a crazy way they went up under the bed to hide. And don't you know, the Mister Peter had us calmed down and migrated faster than we can chow down a big sugar free lemon bar.

If you want to thank Peter for Your Mama or maybe need some help with your own blog, click on over here and give him a look-see.

A Little Blog Love

From time to time Your Mama likes to publicly thank a few blogs that have so kindly linked over to our little blog. If you're not familiar with these other blogs, click on over and have a look see. We know we have forgotten a few, and we hope you'll forgive Your Mama for the oversight.

Glitterati -- This gal is always so generous with her linkage and we appreciate her immensely.

Curbed LA -- all the news that's fit to know about the LA real estate scene

Radar -- Snappy, smart, sassy, sensational

The Gilded Moose -- One of Your Mama's favorites. This guy's architectural reviews are way more funny than our commentary.

Celebrity Smack! -- More smack than Pete Doherty's drug dealer (Ouch!)

Luxist -- The blog for those who appreciate all things luxurious

Critical Miami -- Culture, politics, and hedonistic pursuits in Miami

A Socialite's Life -- Gossip served with a martini

Sports Illustrated -- These folks drove more traffic to the Real Estalker than you can imagine. So even though Your Mama knows zip about sports, we are really appreciating the all the sports fans out there

Yahoo 9 -- We'd never heard of this online channel, but they mentioned us in one of their reports.

Farandulista -- For all our Spanish speaking amigos who love the Hollywood gossip

SFist -- All things San Francisco

Curbed SF -- All things San Francisco real estate

Real Estate Pornography IX

SELLER: Homosexual Industry Types (to remain anonymous)
LOCATION: Devista Drive, Hollywood Hills, LA
PRICE: $1,695,000
SIZE: 2,687 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Stylish modern in sought after Nichols Canyon. Amazing updates include African wood paneled walls, Walker Zanger and Anne Sachs tiled baths. Versatile floor plan flooded with light perfect for entertaining. Private lrg. lot w/ pool, numerous patios. Separate screening/media room. Concrete and bamboo flooring throughout. A sleek getaway in a superb location. Please give 24 hr. Notice to Show.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: After the Tom Jones tragedy we last discussed, we wanted to bring the children something that would help to settle all of our stomachs. As Your Mama trolls around the Los Angeles listings, every now and again we run across a property that tweaks our nipples in the most pleasant sort of way.

Located way up in the hills of Nichols Canyon, this property is currently owned by a couple of homos whose names will remain in our vault. However, Your Mama will tell you this about the two: One is a writer/producer with credits that include multiple episodes of Las Vegas and Queer as Folk. The other has the same name as a not-really-famous actor who publicly has a wife and child. Honestly, Your Mama does not know if the actor person and the man who is living up in this house with another man are indeed the same person. We hope not, but this being Hollywood, one never knows.

The house itself, tucked up into the hillside, sits in a neighborhood of similarly styled properties. It may not have big Downtown views, but Your Mama would happily live in this house anyway. The architectural renovation is thoughtful and we particularly appreciate how the architect/designer treaded lightly on the bones of this classic 1960s residence.

The wide expanse of polished wood behind the fireplace acts as smart and modern re-interpretation of the ubiquitous wood paneling that was so often put up in houses of this era. It also works as an effective and opaque counter-balance to the floor-to-ceiling windows.

The kitchen appears to maintain the original layout and Your Mama loves that mammoth, eight-burner Viking range. Naturally we are surprised to see a crappy little microwave oven sitting catty-corner on the counter top. It does sit at the same angle as the cabinet above, but we do wonder why it was not given a cubby hole of it's own when the kitchen was renovated.

Your Mama recognizes the tile style in the master bathroom shower is not for everyone. However, we feel the choice of color and pattern is sublime. None the less we do spot a problem in here. Can you see where the shower tile meets the old grey tile with the black border? This meeting of tile types is disruptive to the eye. Your Mama would have recommended wrapping that lovely shower tile design around the wall creating a more unified look.

The den/office/media room, located on the first floor just off the entry hall, features a wall of floor-to-ceiling windows leading out to a fenced courtyard. Your Mama always appreciates a nice, private courtyard and this one looks like the perfect place for our bitches Linda and Beverly to quietly sun themselves. The backyard pool, large enough for dipping, small enough not to take over the entire yard, pleases Your Mama immensely. We are concerned there may be some issues with rain washing dirt down the hillside and into the pool, but that's really a problem for Manny the pool guy, right?

Your Mama thinks these gay boys have done a stellar job with the decor. Of course, not everyone appreciates mid-century modern they way they did five years ago, but we're thinking these gentleman have actually tossed enough contemporary pieces up in there so the place it does not feel like a mid-century mausoleum.

This house has gone to contract and while Your Mama does not know at what price it's selling, we can tell you the industry gays paid $855,000 for the house in 2002. Clearly they've put a fair amount of money into renovating, but it would also appear they're getting a pretty good return on their money.

The listing agent, Cory Weiss over at Prudential CA John Aaroe, has provided a lovely virtual tour you can see here, although we expect it will be removed before long as the house is getting ready to transfer to a new owner.

Your Mama would love to know what all the children think of this house, so post some of your comments, thoughts, ideas, and criticisms.

La Lohan Update

Children of the World,

The LA version of the venerable Curbed real estate blogging empire was kind enough to link over to our story about La Lohan's condo sale earlier today.

And we're going to link right back over to their post about a rumor regarding Miss Lindsay's most recent real estate purchase.

Although this freckle faced babe is supposed to be in rehab, she is rumored/reported to have purchased a two bedroom condominium in the El Palacio building on Fountain Avenue. Yes babies, this is the very same building Marilyn Monroe once called home and the rumor/report claim La Lohan has even purchased the same two bedroom apartment in which Ms. Monroe lived.

However, we checked with an LA based source who would absolutely know about a purchase by this gal, and we were assured that Ms. Lohan has yet to purchase another property. In addition to the suite she often keeps at the Chateau Marmont, she is still leasing a place she calls home.

The Tom Jones Guesthouse

SELLER: Tom Jones
LOCATION: 960 Stradella Road, Bel Air, CA
PRICE: $3,950,000
SIZE: 4,320 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 6 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Sensational mid-century Modern on private 2.5 acre knoll. Prime Bel Air location with stunning city views. This sophisticated home is perfect for indoor/outdoor lifestyle, with open floor plan, walls of glass and high ceilings. Marble entry leads to step down living room with library/study adjacent. Step outside the living room to the black-bottom pool surrounded by decks. Upper level master suite has wood-burning fireplace, wet bar and view deck. Exceptional in every respect.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Somebody get the smelling salts quick because Your Mama has done passed out looking at all that vexatious statuary spread around this property. Damn, you know Your Mama does not like to be such a hater, but we have a difficult time tolerating such seriously deficient taste from people with enough scratch to hire themselves a nice gay decorator.

If for some reason any of the children are asking themselves how many statuettes of urinating cherubs one yard can endure, listen to Your Mama when we tell you the answer is ZERO. We count seven pissing baby angels in the photos, and we know deep in our hearts there are easily six more sprinkled about that pool deck and yard. Unfortunately that count does not take into account the multiple and random busts or that upsetting horse thing on the lawn.

The LA Times' resident celebrity real estate scribe Ruth Ryon reported in her Hot Properties column that this house was purchased in 1981 by crooner Tom Jones and used as a guesthouse for his sister and parents to stay when visiting Los Angeles. That's right, the goateed crooner never actually lived in this house.

Therefore we can't really be sure who is responsible for the disturbing number of plaster figurines. Whomever is responsible and whatever the case, we can only imagine the new owners, the Spanish design duo Miguel Rueda and Mario Ruiz, first call after taking possession was to a company that provides BIG dumpsters.

Mister Tom Jones holds a very high place in the pantheon of old school singers of the sexy male variety. In the 1960s this man had teenage girls swooning to hits such as What's New Pussycat, Delilah, and Your Mama's favorite, She's A Lady. In more recent times, the Mister Jones has scores of middle aged women swooning and improbably tossing their granny panties up on the stage at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas to the very same songs he was singing in the 1960s.

But that doesn't really tell the whole story of this man in the ex-treem-lee tight pants. He may have a campy and kitchy image, but Mister Jones has not rested on the laurels of his 1960s successes. To his artistic credit, in the last 15 years he has collaborated with many interesting and notable musicians and groups such as The Art of Noise (1988), The Pretenders (1999), and 1999s Sex Bomb with Mousse T. In 2002 he released the well received album Mr. Jones which was produced by the very talented Wyclef Jean.

So while the landscaping at his "guesthouse" has us heaving up last night's liquor, we give Mister Jones all the musical props he so rightly deserves.

Now, back to the property. The house, listed by the super-agent to the stars Joyce Rey and Cecelia Kennely-Waeschle of Sotheby's, was first priced in the $6,000,000 range. That high number price was a bit of a turn off for a house that needs as much aesthetic reworking as this one. So the price was lowered and lowered to the final asking price of $4,250,000. This price brought out the buyers, and according to property records, it was sold for $3,950,000. Your Mama thinks with a million in renovations, this house would easily sell in the high six millions.

The house itself has some interesting features and we can understand why the Misters Rueda and Ruiz found the property appealing. First of all, location, location, location. The private setting on 2.5 prime acres way up in the hills of Bel Air is worth at least a couple million and the stunning views have Los Angeles spread out like a carpet below this house.

Your Mama likes to think of the rich and famous having a lot of automobiles so we appreciate there is parking for up to 10 automobiles in the drive court.

Although it's not obvious in the photos, we think the "mid-century modern" style of the house is interesting and offers loads of potential for a very cool L.A. hideaway. We love the way the house wraps itself around the pool deck offering extreme backyard privacy. And did all the children notice that wacky and cool hexagonal section of the house?

Your Mama can't help but think this house might have fetched a couple hundred thousand more if the statue issue was taken care of before putting the house on the market. But given there were no photos of the interior available, perhaps the statues were merely a drop in the bucket of design disasters.

Sources: LA Times, Joyce Rey, Coldwell Banker, Sothebys, Wikipedia

Tom Brady Passes on the TimeWarner

SELLER: Tom Brady
LOCATION: 70th Floor, North Tower, TimeWarner Center, 80 Columbus Circle, New York City
PRICE: $16,500,000 (monthly maintenance and taxes: $11,129)
SIZE: 2,910 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: HIGHEST floor available at the TimeWarner. Spectacular Central Park and river views. Ultra-Luxury condominium at the nexus of Central Park, Lincoln Center, and the elite Upper West Side. FIVE STAR LIVING!

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: All the children surely know that when we read about the sale of this apartment in Braden Keil's Gimme Shelter column this morning Your Mama's eyes rolled right up into the back of our head. First of all we have never heard of this football playing Tom Brady person. Our sports ignorance necessitated ringing up our pal in San Francisco, Fiona Trambeau. Oh Lawhd hunny, just imagine the rasping ear-splitting she gave us for calling her before noon and disrupting her so-called beauty rest.

She did, however, calm down and offer us this typically lewd quote: "He always seems a bit light in the head when he talks, but you just know that with that arm and those nerves of re bar, this studly Republican and sometime Bush supporter has a dick with a shocking amount of confidence"

Republican?

The second reason our eyes were rolling back into our heads is that according to Mister Keil, this apartment in the shockingly expensive TimeWarner building was purchased only last September. Which means this man is looking for a million dollar plus profit after owning the place six months. Well, you know Your Mama sees that shit as plain greedy. The Manhattan luxury market is good, but cain't be that good, can it?

Because it's located on the 70th (!) floor, just reading about this apartment gives Your Mama vertigo. Not only that, we are deeply concerned what would happen in the event of a power outage. Imagine Your Mama having to carry our bitches Linda and Beverly down 70 flights of stairs. Those gurls would be in such a panic we'd have to drug them just to consider such a feat.

In addition to his ball throwing abilities, this Mr. Brady, who happens to be revoltingly good looking, is known for having an eye for celebrity lady dates. In the past he has been linked to such pop stars and tartlets as Mariah Carey, Tara Reid, and even that trashy Britney Spears gurl who, quite frankly, is making Tara Reid look like a nun lately. Anyhoo, Mr. Keil claims our lusty ball thrower purchased this apartment to be nearer to his then girlfriend, the sexy sexy Bridget Moynahan.

But that relationship has gone south, and Mr. Brady, who it seems never even moved into this apartment, is moving on and has reportedly been seen humping around with Victoria's Secret lingerie mannequin Gisele Bundchen.

Your Mama is terribly mixed on these TimeWarner apartments. On the one hand, the views are absolutely magnificent. On the other we worry excessively about living this high in the air. The building amenities and services are beyond compare, but the apartment finishes are also rather bland and frankly, cheap. We know the apartments were built with the idea owners would hire fancy gay decorators to go in and do up the places with unlimited budgets, but we still think for well over $10,000,000 we should be getting quality finishes even if we intend to change them.

The listing agents over at Corcoran, uber-agent to the stars Wilbur Gonzales and Dennis Mangone, have included a shamefully paltry amount of interior photos, but the photos of the night time views are absolutely stunning.

Sources: NY Post, Corcoran, Wikipedia, Wire Image, Perez Hilton

La Lohan Update: SOLD!

SELLER: Lindsay Lohan
LOCATION: 9255 Doheny Road, #2701
PRICE: $2,495,000 (list)
SIZE: 2,117 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Opportunity awaits. The most famous full service high rise in the city. This 3 bedroom, 2.5 bathroom Northwest corner unit is on the desirable 27th floor. Boasting killer ocean, city, sunset and Hollywood Hills views. Ready for your client to customize and make it their own ultimate retreat.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Your Mama has just received word from Little Birdie, one of our extremely well connected sources within the Los Angeles real estate scene, that a Lindsay Lohan owned condo in the famous Sierra Towers has gone to contract. Some of our readers will recall we discussed this apartment back in December, but let's give a little recap...

The apartment had been listed at $2,850,000 and was recently reduced to it's current asking price of $2,495,000. The reduced price seems to have helped scare up a buyer. Our Little Birdie tells us the apartment will be sold for close to the asking price. Little Birdie confirms the 27th floor apartment is an "empty shell" and is being sold to someone likely to renovate and sell on at a considerable profit.

As you may recall, La Lohan purchased this apartment in 2005 for $1,950,000, and never moved in. Property records show the apartment is currently owned by an entity called the Mark Landesman Trust. Mister Landesman happens to be La Lohan's New York based business manager.

As all the children surely know, this beleaguered ack-tress/snatch flasher is much in the tabloid news lately for her efforts to clean up her late night ways. In fact La Lohan is sort of going through rehab at the Wonderland Center up in Laurel Canyon. Wonderland bills itself as a "residential treatment facility" but it appears Ms. Lohan's celebrity status grants her special privileges, which according to celebrity blogger queen Perez Hilton, include going out to clubs every now and again.

Your Mama really does hope La Lohan is able to pull it all together and move beyond her crazy ways. Not only is Your Mama dog tired of hearing about the supposed color of her crotch hair and the sometimes lack thereof, we're also worn out from reading about all her drunken feuding and fighting with the other Hollywood club scene bitches. Can't we all just get along?

See an update about one of the La Lohan real estate rumors here.

Fawn's Swan Song

SELLER: Fawn Hall
LOCATION: Bird Streets, Hollywood Hills, CA
PRICE: $2,470,000
SIZE: 4 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Wonderous View in fabulous Bird Streets. 4 Bed plus 4 Baths – Glamor in the Hills

YOUR MAMAS UPDATE: 03.25.07 / Price reduced to $2,100,000

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Your Mama really prefers not to go after real estate agents, but the property "description" provided by the Coldwell Banker listing agents is one we can not let slide without comment. 1.) Not only is the word wondrous spelled incorrectly, we hate that spelling of glamour. Technically, it's correct. There is, however, something stingy about leaving out the "u." 2.) Everyone knows Your Mama loathes extraneous capitalization in real estate descriptions. 3.) This really is just a sad excuse for a description and doesn't describe much at all unfortunately.

Now that we've tackled that issue we can move on to Ms. Fawn Hall and the Hollywood Hills home she shared with her now deceased huzband Danny Sugerman. Y'all remember who Fawn Hall is, right? In case you don't recall, here's a clue: Iran-Contra. That's right puppies, this home belongs to the former secretary of that half-wit Ollie North. When asked under oath at Mister North's 1988 trial about stealing and shredding sensitive documents related to illegal arms trading, Ms. Hall famously declared that, "Sometimes you have to go above the law." Oh dear gurl. Your Mama does not actually disagree with her statement, but hunny, you don't say that shit under oath.

Hall took the fame baton she was handed as a result of the Iran-Contra scandal and ran and ran and ran stretching her Warholian fifteen minutes to about 17 or 18. She moved to Los Angeles, nabbed an agent at William Morris, and briefly dated Hollywood Lothario Rob Lowe. And although she did not pose nekkid for Playboy like some of the other political scandal hussies of the 1980s, she was indeed named as one of Playboy's "Sex Stars of 1987."

Eventually this gal settled down with Danny Sugerman who was best known as the (second) manager of The Doors. He later also managed Iggy Pop and authored several books about The Doors and also a tome about Guns and Roses. Sadly Mr. Sugerman passed in 2005 after a long battle with lung cancer.

Ms. Hall and Mr. Sugerman were married in 1995 and it appears they purchased this home up in the Bird Streets in 2002. The Bird Streets, located in the hills about Sunset Boulevard and called the Bird Streets because all the streets are named after birds such as Flicker, Swallow, and Warbler, is known for it's heavy concentration of celebrity home owners such as Keanu Reeves, Leonardo DiCaprio, Tobey McGuire and Debra Messing.

Like most houses up in these parts, the Hall/Sugerman house climbs the side of a steep lot and offers stupendous views of downtown Los Angeles. As you can see from the floor plan below, this house doubles as both a residence and a StairMaster. While this is not a bad combination for all your skinny-minny work out queens, just getting the groceries to the kitchen would probably give Your Mama a heart attack.
When Your Mama first came across this property, the pictures stunned and stupefied us. All that black leather had us running for cover and feeling like we were back in the 1980s. As we scanned the photos we fully expected to see a few Nagel prints up in here. Or maybe something colorful from that horrible Mark Kostabi.

After a second pass through the photos, we realized the individual furniture pieces were not all so bad and the silhouettes actually had more to do with the 1990s than the 1980s. We know it's difficult to spot in there, but do the children see the Barcelona chair in the living room? And the trestle table being used as a desk in Mister Sugerman's office is really quite nice.

What Your Mama would recommend is having one of Los Angeles' many gay decorators come over, thin out some of that black furniture, and throw some accent colors around. Ms. Hall might even consider having one of those stager queens come over to work some temporary decorating magic. Usually we're not too keen on the too often banal and beige stager designs, but this house is really in desperate need.

What all the children can not tell from the floor plan is how much outdoor space this property actually offers. In addition to the large, big view terrace off the living room, there are two additional areas that give the property a fairly good indoor/outdoor flow. The area off the back end of the third floor also allows for some nice views and the side patio, off the dining room, has a romantic tunnel like area (photo at bottom right) that is a great spot for all those folks not interesting in frying their skin in the hot sun.

The last issue we would like to discuss is a sensitive one. Yes children, we're talking about the unfortunate location of the walk in closet in the master. As y'all can see, the door to the closet is located di-rectly across from the pooper. It should be obvious why this set up concerns and agitates Your Mama. But in the event any of the children out there are a little dense and not understanding what we're getting at, just imagine how your clothes are going to smell after an Indian food feast. Oh Lawhd. On that note, Your Mama has got to be going now to wash our hands, burn some incense, and forget about this unsettling odor issue.

Sources: Coldwell Banker, Wikipedia, Time Magazine, whosdatedwho, Fact Monster

Leeza Update: SOLD!

SELLER: Leeza Gibbons / Stephen Meadows
LOCATION: West Hollywood, CA
PRICE: $7,775,000 (list)
SIZE: 8 bedrooms, 6.5 baths

YOUR MAMAS UPDATE: Hunnies, Your Mama recently received a note from a friendly tipster, who has asked to remain anonymous, about the sale of Miss Leeza Gibbon's Hollywood Hills estate. Trust Your Mama when we tell you our little tipster, who we'll call Lucy Looselips, has an inside line on the information. If y'all remember, Your Mama discussed this property back in December, but in case you don't recall, have a look here.

Your Mama knew the property had found a buyer, but Lucy Looselips, tells us the house (which was listed at $7,995,000) is going to contract for $7,775,000. Looselips also tells us the buyer is a "hedge fund zillionaire."

We'll keep you updated if we hear anything additional or different. Congratulation to Ms. Gibbons and her hunky, mustachioed huzband on the sale of their property.

Phillip Johnson Manhattan Pied a Terre

SELLER: Estate of Philip Johnson
LOCATION: 15 West 53rd Street, Apartment 11G, Museum Tower, New York City
PRICE: $2,500,000 (maintenance and taxes / $2,760 per month
SIZE: 1,427 square feet, 1 bedroom, 1.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: (greatly reduced from the listing agent's website) Mr. Johnson...designed a glamorous coffered ceiling in the living room which overlooks the famed MOMA Sculpture Garden that Mr. Johnson designed in 1964. The apartment also looks toward the pink granite AT&T building (he) designed in 1984...Mr. Johnson chose this apartment as his own for these special views. One of the most unique features of the apartment is the powder room which features Andy Warhol "cow wallpaper" with an original Warhol signature.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: The Cesar Pelli designed Museum Tower building may not be one of the more "exclusive" buildings in Manhattan such as those that line Fifth and Park Avenues, but it does occupy some choice Midtown real estate and is a fantastic location for a contemporary art lovers pied a terre. As reported by celebrity real estate journalist extraordinaire Braden Keil from the NY Post, the "glamorous apartment of legendary architect Philip Johnson" has come up for sale.

This apartment was shared and used as a pied a terre by the Pritzker Prize winning Johnson and his longtime companion David Whitney. Although the Mister Johnson was 33 years older than Whitney, both men passed in 2005. As many architecture aficionados know, Johnson was a student of Mies van der Rohe, and is most notably known for his "Glass House" up in New Canaan, Connecticut.

The Glass House, along with the entire Johnson/Whitney estate, is now a part of the National Trust Historic Sites. This estate functioned much like an architecture and inspiration laboratory for Mister Johnson and over the years many accessory buildings were built in addition to the Glass House. These buildings include, but are not limited to, an underground painting gallery, The Lake Pavillion, and the Ghost House. Your Mama hopes to visit this heavily protected site sometime soon as it marked a revolution and turning point in the conception, construction and the very idea of what constituted living space.

Ordinarily we act sassy and say quasi-mean things about some of the houses we discuss here, but Your Mama is feeling more reverent than mouthy about this one. Sure, the custom coffered ceiling in the living room does not suit our taste and the dining area feels a bit sterile to us (at least in the photo) , but we just can't muster the moxie to challenge the choices of these two men down with such finely honed aesthetic senses.

After all, these men were both mavericks of the arty sort, and Your Mama just loves that type. The Mister Whitney was an inveterate contemporary art collector and curator. He also participated in the 1960s Warhol scene in New York. He became so friendly with the Mister Warhol they used to joke about getting married. This probably explains how it is the bewigged Mister Warhol came to be signing the wallpaper in the powder room.

The Mister Johnson designed many important and notable buildings throughout his long, long career including the Crystal Cathedral in Garden Grove, CA, Penzoil Place in Houston, the de Menil House, the first modernist home in Houston and was basically working until his death on the Urban Glass House in Manhattan.

Over the years plenty of rich and New York famous have lived in this building. Property records show two of the three penthouses in this building are currently owned by well known financial titans. One belongs to big time Republican donor Jerry Perenchio, the billionaire media mogul who owns Univision. He also happens to own the tremendous Bel Air estate on Bel Air Road that was used as the set for the movie The Beverly Hillbillies and is located across the street from this $17,500,000 property.

Another of the penthouses belongs to the somewhat infamous Carl Icahn who made a fortune in junk bonks with Michael Milkin in the 1980s and in addition to many, many other major holdings currently owns about 3.3% of Time Warner Cable that is worth billions.

Even a pedigreed one bedroom is a tough sell at $2,500,000 so we do wish the listing agents all the best in selling this apartment at this price.

Sources: NY Post, National Trust, Wickipedia

The Queen Leaves Her Castle?

SELLER: Helen Mirren and Taylor Hackford
LOCATION: Near Franklin and La Brea, Los Angeles
SIZE: 6 acres, 6,699 square feet, 6 bedrooms, 7 bathrooms (main house)
PRICE: Currently for rent at $40,000/month
DESCRIPTION: Discover the magnificent estate that once belonged to Dustin Farnum, Cecil B. DeMille's first great movie star. Sheltered in a quiet parkland of 6 acres, a paradise of trees and flowers. The principal residence at almost 7000', combines graceful floor plan with elegance and volume - each capacious room flowing into the next. The grand master suite looks out into breathtakingly beautiful terraces and pool. 2700' guest cottage offers room for office and staff. Double gated. Secure. Incomparable.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Children, Your Mama is not quite sure what's happening with this property. According to property records, in December of 2006 this property (all 6 acres with two lots and two houses) was transferred from three time Academy Award nominee Dame Helen Mirren and her Academy Award nominated film director hubby Taylor Hackford (Ray) to something called the Jacaranda Trust, and then placed on the market for the staggering monthly lease of $40,000 per month. For both houses, of course.

It could be a new owner purchased the property as an investment through the Jacaranda trust and prefers to rent the property rather than live in it. Or it could be the Mirren/Hackford couple simply transferred the property to a trust called Jacaranda, called agent to the stars Joyce Rey, moved to a new house, and put the old house on the rental market for a stunning amount of money. Forty grand a month would go a long way towards making the mortgage on another house. Whatever the case, up until recently this was indeed the home of Dame Helen and her huzbund Taylor.

According to the listing agent's website, the property once belonged to a man named Dustin Farnum. I know hunnies, we had to google him too. I suppose if you're 80 and living in Hollywood that name might mean something to you, but for all of us under 40, thank goodness for the internet. Anyhoo, turns out this Farnum fellow was indeed a big time actor from the 1910s and 20s with credits in dozens of films and Broadway plays. Don't be too impressed with Your Mama because we found ALL this on Wikipedia. Also found on wiki was this tidbit: according to a 1975 article in Playboy, this is the man Dustin Hoffman was named after. Who knew?

Okay then, now that we've had a little Hollywood history lesson, let's get back to the property of The Queen and her consort. The property appears to have been purchased by the "Hackford 1991" trust in 1996. Two lots comprised the sale, one with the large main house and a second with a 4 bedroom, 3 bathroom, 2,740 square foot guest house. Plenty of room to stash family and guests while keeping them from being underfoot and bothering you when you're trying to get a "massage" from that cute massuese named Ricky.

The guest house is also a great place for a celebrity home office. This set up keeps the staff, assistants, and various hangers on from getting up in the house looking at your shit and then calling the Star Magazine selling information about which pills you have in your medicine cabinet or what "toys" you got hidden under the bed.

The home is accessed up a gated, very long and winding drive in the foothills of Runyon Canyon. All the children know this is the sort of driveway that makes Your Mama swoon and hyperventilate with delight. At the top of the drive sits what appears to be a lovely Mediterranean style casa with balconies, bougainvillea, and beautiful views. The ultra private pool area is perfect for skinny dipping and nude sun bathing if, like Your Mama, you're inclined toward outdoor nekkidness.

The lease apparently includes a barbecue, phone system, network wire(?), cable television, and a satellite. You know that satellite has Your Mama wanting to rent this house. We don't give a shit about that phone system, but that satellite would allow us to watch all our favorite late night programs not so late at night when the Klonopins have us too relaxed to keep our eyes open.

We have yet to find any additional photos of the interior of the property but are happy to hear any tips and suggestions about where to locate a few. So Miss Rey, Ms. Mirren or anyone else that would like to provide us with some interior photos, you just shoot Your Mama a little email. We promise to keep the source on the down low.

Sources: Joyce Rey, Wikipedia

Paltrow and Martin Moving North

SELLER: Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow
LOCATION: Harrison Street, Tribeca, NY
PRICE: $13,650,000 (sale) / taxes and maintenance: $1,811 per month
SIZE: 8,442 square feet, 6 bedrooms, 4.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: (shortened from the listing agent's website:

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Perhaps Ms. Paltrow has decided to give up on the U-nited States altogether? No, not really. Apparently this couple is simply downsizing and moving from their large townhouse like property on Harrison Street to a single level penthouse at the new River Lofts building on Washington. As all the children probably know, this blond, Oscar winning ack-tress was mocked and pummeled in the press not so long ago for making what were seen as disparaging remarks about American politics. If you ask Your Mama, and of course, no one did, the gurl got a bad rap.

Listen, just because you were born American does not mean you are required to think America is the best place on earth to live nor does it mean you're not allowed to publicly criticize American culture or politics. Remember, being an American means having the freedom to speak your mind, even if it means speaking out about America itself. Sometimes Americans seem to forget this freedom is granted through the Constitution and can not be taken away by some gun toting hillbilly in a pickup truck who's never been out of the state he lives in let alone travelled outside of the United States. You might not like that, but really, that's what America is supposed to be, a place where the freedom to express your own mind is encouraged, supported and respected even if the ideas are different than your own.

We better get off our soapbox quick now before we start getting more hate mail. Yes children, Your Mama has started to get the hate mail. Most recently we received a vitriolic note from a gal named Adele who informed use we were "disgusting" because we spoke on Michael Jackson's pallor and plastic surgery in a previous posting. Well, that's fine. Our being "disgusting" does not change the notion Your Mama thinks Mister Jackson has turned himself into looking like a middle aged white woman. That is just our opinion.

Anyhoo we're here to talk about the Miss Paltrow, her Brit musician husband Chris Martin of Coldplay, and their babies Apple and Moses. Apple and Moses? Hunnies, those poor creatures can't help it they got named after a fruit and a Biblical soothsayer, but we're sure they're likely to be some inneresting kids with parents like these. And lucky kids they are to have been living up in a Tribeca townhouse like this one.

According to the New York Times, this A-list couple purchased this property just two years ago for just under $8,000,000. Their publicist Stephen Huvane says "considerable" work was done to the property which helps justify the huge gain on the investment, but Your Mama has to wonder how much work they did to justify a $6,000,000 profit in just two years.

Your Mama has always been a little mixed on the Tribeca area. It's full of extraordinary and fancy loft buildings, high end furniture shops, and certainly heaps of celebrities live down in this neck of the woods. But it always seems a little barren and lifeless to us. It's the kind of place you're more likely to see a black car not so discreetly idling in front of a discreetly luxurious building entrance waiting for it's wealthy back-seat rider, than to see a group of friends chattering as they walk down the street. Nothing wrong with town cars and drivers, but Your Mama prefers street culture to be a bit more vibrant the we feel it is here.

There are several parts to this townhouse set up that please Your Mama. We appreciate the private elevator, of course, because we'd have a coronary getting up and down all the stairs chasing after the fruity and Biblically named children. We also feel good about the casual open floor plan of the main living level. We do not usually like loft set ups that have no architectural space separations, and whomever it is that designed this place did a lovely job keeping it open and still providing enclosed spaces.

The bedroom situation is mixed. We always like to see two master suites for those times when the Mister and Missus can not get along well enough to share one. Of course, we see an exercise space in the back master where we assume Miss Paltrow does her at home Yoga instruction when she's not taking classes at Jivamukti where she and many other New York based celebs enjoy stretching and twisting their bodies into near impossible positions.

It's the secondary bedrooms that we're a little perplexed by as they seem rather small and oddly shaped. It's not the worst problem in a New York apartment, but we're wondering if it were possible to come up with a more advantageous plan.

In theory we are in love with the roof top terrace: open space, shaded space under the pergola and a fantastically rare soaking pool. Now hunnies, this pool is on the South end of the building which is nice, but as best as we can surmise, this pool does not have the sort of privacy we might want if we were to be stripping down on the roof. There appear to be a fair number of neighboring buildings that have visual access to this roof top and if you're famous and/or enjoy skinny dipping, this is not good.

According to Curbed, the Martin/Paltrow clan is moving North a few blocks to the new Tsao & McKown designed River Lofts complex where they have closed on a sixth floor penthouse unit with two terraces and views to the Hudson River. We're not 100% sure the floor plan below is the penthouse they've purchased, but we are 90% sure. This is the same complex Meryl Streep recently purchased a 13th floor $9,000,000 penthouse.
It's easy to see this penthouse does not have the same sort of outdoor space the townhouse like property they're leaving does, but given this family is spending the bulk of their time in London, this place is a logical choice. It's easier to maintain, more secure, and still in the neighborhood they've come to appreciate as their New York base.

Even though Your Mama is not a big fan of Miss Paltrow's acting, we are not concerned or bothered by her rather liberal leanings or her statements about the current state of American politics and we have zero issue with her living mostly in London and only a little in New York. We're looking forward to sitting out on the terrace watching the sun set while baby-sitting the babies in the new place next time their in town.

Sources: New York Times, Corcoran, Curbed

Cox and Arquette Selling Lautner House (redux)

SELLER: David Arquette and Courtney Cox
LOCATION: Carbon Beach, Malibu, CA
PRICE: $33,500,000
SIZE: 4,486 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Once in a lifetime opportunity to acquire a world class architectural estate, The Segal Residence by John Lautner. 80 feet of frontage on Carbon Beach. Call listing agent for details. Pre-qualified clients only.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Oh Dear hunnies, Your Mama has made a terrible mistake. Thanks to a reader who was paying better attention than Your Mama was, we have discovered we have directed the babies towards the wrong house the Cox/Arquette's have recently purchased in Malibu. At first we thought, well, who cares, this is just a blog and we can't always be correct. Then we remembered all the lovely notes, cards, and flowers from the children and thought it would be better to admit, then correct our mistake.

Seems the house(s) purchased are actually next door to the large white place we discussed the other day...So now that we're not loaded on valiums we are going to replace our commentary and photo of the correct properties. Please forgive Your Mama, we all make mistakes.

Oh my, this is such a great house to bring to all the children. We came across this on Media Bistro and are finally getting around to bringing you the details. Not only is it celebrity owned, it was designed and built by a celebrity architect by the name of John Lautner. Now babies, if y'all don't know who Mister Lautner is, please go to the library and check out a nice picture book for yourself to spend a few hours with. This man is a god in the pantheon of contemporary and progressive architects.

Miss Cox and her goofy husband purchased this house on Carbon Beach only a few years ago in 2001 for about $12,000,000. That was a tremendous sum of money for an oceanfront property back then and it created quite a buzz in the bizness and among Malee-booans. But it was the tail end of the celebrity architect craze (think Richard Neutra and the Case Study houses) so the seller was able to fetch top dollar.

None the less, in just about six or seven years, this young-ish Hollywood power couple are looking to make close to a $20,000,000 profit. Now that takes some nerve even in the rocketing Malibu market of late. This very high price is particularly stunning to us as someone in the know in the Malee-boo real estate business tells Your Mama the house is priced significantly over what it should be given it needs a total restoration. See, the Cox/Arquette folks maintained the property quite nicely, but according to our source, the house has "not been touched" since it was built in 1979. And hunnies, that means it needs some updating. Hopefully the new owner with do the work while maintaining the integrity of the original structure.

Anyhoo, Your Mama is a big fan of Mister Lautner and this is one of those rare structures where the swooping roof lines and staggering walls of glass do not give us the vertigo or make us think we're looking at some thing an architect just tried too hard to make "interesting."

We don't really know why the couple is selling the house. Perhaps they are not interested in taking on the necessary restoration. Maybe they just want more privacy. Or maybe it has to do with the house next door that was recently purchased for $18,000,000 and is scheduled to be torn down and replaced with something far more grandiose. Or maybe they just see an opportunity to make ten or 15 million bucks. A few interior shots can be seen here.

Whatever the case, like many of the other properties purchased and sold by the Cox/Arquette duo over the last several years, including their current "town" residence on Wallace Ridge, this property was purchased through their Bring It Trust. Your Mama thinks this is the best celebrity real estate trust name yet.

And as it turns out, they've already purchased their next home in Malee-boo, also through their Bring It Trust. The new weekend house is up the road a piece and offers the couple and their kiddie named Coco far more privacy than the Lautner house. Now, Your Mama does not know much about the new house, but the aerial has the house looking like a 1950's ranch style and according to the property records it is just that: 2,142 square feet with 5 bedrooms and 3 baths. Your Mama can only assume this architecure buff couple is either going to raze the thing or it has some interesting elements we can't see from the air. Could it be a Cliff May house? That would certainly explain the move from a Lautner. Or are these two planning on building some thing new and fabulous from the ground up with a big name architect?

As it turns out, their purchase also includes the small house to the left...a tiny 750 square foot 1 bedroom house on a single and separate lot. Although the two house do appear to share a driveway, they are separate tax lots. Perhaps this is where the nanny will be staying? Or maybe office space to run their budding television production empire?

Children, there are a few issues we're having with this place. First of all, we were hoping for a heated swimming pool. There seems to be room and we're hoping the Cox/Arquettes will indeed add that luxury soon.

We are also concerned about the hike down the bluff. This hillside does not look Your Mama friendly and we see ourselves possibly slipping and sliding all the way down. We think it would be best if we do not take our valiums before starting down the hill. We are hoping the green roofed shack near the beach is a storage area. With a hill like that to climb Your Mama can not be wrassling with our tote bag filled with the cocoa butter, a Danielle Steel novel, the Fiji water mister, sun hat, towels, radio, pill bottles, and all the other necessaries for having a nice day at the beach. This little shed would be a perfect place to stash the equipment.

We just hope that precocious Coco child does not think it's cute to be running Your Mama up and down that cliff while we're babysitting.

Sources: Media Bistro, Curbed LA

Real Estate Pornography VIII (Updated 02/07/07)

SELLER: Rick and Fabienne Guerin
LOCATION: North Alpine Drive, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $31,000,000
SIZE: 11,891 square feet, 7 bedrooms, 7 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Early California Architecture Statement on Rare 2+flat acre BH Estate. Rolling lawn, formal garden, long gated drive, sunken tennis court, soaring beam ceilings, extraordinary tile detail, fabulous master with pvt veranda and city lights beyond. Huge pool, sensational kitchen, media room, separate guest house, 6-car garage, wonderful patio for outdoor entertaining, huge motor court, most prestigious north of Sunset location, terrific privacy and pristine condition. 4 bd suites plus 2 maids.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: This is one of those ridiculously expensive properties that have languished on the market for years. This is really saying something given the scorching hot Los Angeles real estate market the last several years. The listing agent, the incomparable Joyce Rey, has done a stellar job presenting the property, but alas, it remains as yet unwanted. Your Mama has been following the trials and travails of this property for quite some time and we thought it was time we showed it to the all the children.

The two plus acre property, purchased in 1989 for around $6,500,000, is currently owned by Rick and Fabienne Guerin. According to a very well connected source we'll call Tina Tatler, the property was purchased from David Geffen as vacant land and the Guerin couple had the current house designed and built for the site.

The Mister Guerin is a big time investments dude over at Pacific Partners. Your Mama is not sure what the Mrs. Guerin does. For all we know she's a scientist working out a cure for cancer, but we prefer to think of her in a pair of kitten heels working the charity circuit all across the better parts of Los Angeles and spending her afternoons getting her hair highlighted at Frederic Fekkai on Rodeo Drive.

On a side note, Frederic Fekkai, hair guru to the rich and famous, is the "male friend" of Johnson & Johnson heiress Libbet Johnson who recently liquidated a number of New York real estate holdings including a townhouse in the West Village that once belonged to Meryl Streep as well as 20,000 square feet of conjoined apartments at the Trump International Hotel and Tower. We plan on posting some information on these transactions in the near future, so stay tuned.

Anyhoo, back to the Guerin property. According to a second source, an in the know Bev Hills real estate agent who has asked to remain anonymous, this house was on the market 2.5 years ago for $20,000,000 and slowly the price has ticked up to the current asking price of $31,000,000. Apparently, the homeowner feels even though the house is not selling, the price should be raised. Interesting theory, but not one Your Mama recommends. However, this Mister Guerin is obviously very good at making money, so maybe he knows something we don't about how to sell a home. When asked about the ever-increasing price Tina Tatler tells Your Mama it's "due to tremendous activity in the market and lack of inventory" for these types of estates.

Our second tipster birdie disagrees and tells Your Mama he thinks this style of house, in this price range, is a very tough sell in the flats. And you know what? Even though Your Mama likes this house quite a bit, we think the birdie might be correct.

Your Mama does not agree with all the furniture choices we see in the photos, but we are appreciating the juxtaposition of the white contemporary Florence Knoll-like sofas in the beamed-ceiling living room. We are a little confused about the grand piano in the entrance hall as it seemed a little obvious a choice for a rich person. Then we figured it's probably utilized during fundraisers where some tuxedoed musician tinkles the ivories for the hoi polloi and as such is most likely more functional that we first imagined.

The master bathroom we have mixed feelings about. The architecture is amazing and the wood beamed ceiling leaves Your Mama breathless. And while we are concerned the tile would give us a shock early in the morning when we are nursing a hangover, in theory, we like the vibrant multi-colored scheme considerably. On the other hand, the vanity in the middle of the room really must go. Your Mama would surely be tripping over that thing spilling our mirrors and atomizers all over the floor leaving a mess for the maid to pick up every morning.

Moving to the exterior...Your Mama always appreciates a proper gated estate with sunken tennis court and heated swimming pool. But what we are grooving on most of all is that long gravel drive. See Your Mama's Daddy's Mama had a long gravel drive. The sound of tires crunching on the wee pebbles always meant visitors were coming down the drive and it's an aural memory so strong Your Mama convinced the Dr. Cooter to do our driveways in a similar fashion.

Your Mama is unclear as to whether the Guerin's are still in residence at this property. We were told by one of our anonymous sources this couple recently purchased a (pre-construction) penthouse at The Californian, one of the Wilshire corridors newest and fanciest buildings. Reports show the penthouses are about 8,000 square feet and in the neighborhood of $9,000,000 to purchase. We can't imagine why anyone would give up an estate like this for an apartment, penthouse status not withstanding. But perhaps they intend to spend more time in another location and don't care to maintain such a large residential complex.

Sources: Coldwell Banker, Joyce Rey

Shaq's Shack Update

SELLER: Shaquille O'Neal
LOCATION: Star Island, Miami, FL

If you missed our first post on Shaq's Shack, click here.

Your Mama was contacted recently by a very well connected tipster in Miami whom we will call Billy Baldwin. No children, it was not the actor Billy Baldwin, we're just using his name because he's good looking in a smoldering, cheesy sort of way. Anyhoo, our Billy Baldwin had some interesting information about Shaq's Shack and the reasons this family is eager to sell their uber-expensive house.

Turns out, the O'Neal's purchased this home furnished. FURNISHED! They did undoubtedly hire a nice gay decorator to personalize the space, but they also undoubtedly kept some of the previous owner's furnishings and decor. Why would they buy it, if they didn't intend on keeping at least some of it, right?

Children, buying a house furnished disturbs us. Your Mama is not comfortable with the idea of sitting our big booty down on chesterfields that were belonging to strangers. It does not matter how expensive they might have been or even how rich and classy the previous owners may have been. One just never knows what nastiness has been on that fabric. It's no different than buying the furniture from a hotel.

If you watch the television at all you've seen those programs on 20/20 where they go into hotel rooms shining a blue light everywhere and testing the "material" that's found. Hunny, we are too decent to begin to tell you the kind of "fluids" they find all over the furniture, floors, walls AND ceilings, but we know it's enough to scare anyone from purchasing hotel furniture. Ever.

Anyhoo, Mr. Billy Baldwin also whispered in Your Mama's ears some information about why these O'Neal folks are wanting off of Star Island like all those people wanted off Gilligan's Island in the 1970s. Turns out, every weekend, boat after boat of "celebrity tours" stop out back of the house loaded down with people shouting, taking pictures, waving and otherwise making asses of themselves in the hopes of catching a glimpse of the tall man and his family.

All our loyal readers out there know how that shit makes Your Mama's blood boil. What is wrong with people? Paying to get on a boat and float around looking at the backsides of famous people's houses? Please. That is just stupid. If we've said it once, we've said it 1,000 times: If the children want to look at pictures of famous folks and their homes, read the tabs and online outlets. It is in shockingly bad form to be showing up at a person's house hooting and hollering asking for photos.

What are these people thinking? That the celebrity is going to ask them in for tea? Or have them over for a slumber party? Oh no. Trust us when Your Mama tells you they're smiling at these nuts thinking what a bunch of freak-os they are to be bugging them at home. Oh Lawhd, we are so upset now we're hyper-ventilating. Your Mama has got to go now and find us a paper bag to breathe into and get the Dr. Cooter to prescribe us some blood pressure pills.