Bracco Bails Out of Bridgehampton

SELLER: Lorraine Bracco
LOCATION: Bridgehampton, NY
PRICE: $3,250,000
SIZE: 4,500 (approx), 5 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Sophisticated enough for the most discerning buyer and homey enough for a family. This ultra private home sits on a flag lot over looking reserve. 4 zone heat and a/c. 50 ft. heated pool, outdoor jacuzzi and beautifully landscaped. In the middle of Bridgehampton horse country.

YOUR MAMAS UPDATE: See our later post about Ms. Bracco taking this house off the market and her plight to sell a property in Sneden Landen.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: First of all, Your Mama has a million and one things to take care of today including having an open house so we don't have much time to commentate today. Therefore, we're going to refer you over to the good folks at Curbed for some additional information about Ms. Bracco's Hamptons hideaway that was recently put up for sale.

But before we go, there are three things Your Mama would like the children to know.

1. "Bridgehampton horse country" is a euphemism for North of the Highway. Which all you Hamptonites know means far from the ocean. Don't get Your Mama wrong, ain't nothing wrong with "horse country," if you like horses.

2. Ms. Bracco does not limit herself to the acting. This lady is a bonified entrepreneur and has herself a little wine importing bizness.

3. Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter keep a place in the very same building in Manhattan as Ms. Bracco. So we know what we're talking about when we tell the children she's got a little black and white Boston Terrier that goes by the name Lola.

Now, head on over to the famous and fabulous Curbed site for more information.

Hello, Dolly!

SELLER: Dolly I. Lenz
LOCATION: Water Mill (Southampton), NY
PRICE: $5,995,000
SIZE: 1.5 acres, 6,500 square feet, 7 bedrooms, 7.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Located in the Water Mill estate section close to ocean beaches. This fabulous 6,500 sq. ft. plus home boasts voluminous ceilings in the great room and sun room which is off the huge eat-in kitchen, library, formal dining. The home also boasts 7 bedrooms, 7.5 bathrooms, finished basement with recreation room and gym. 2-car attached garage, 2 car detached garage with studio apartment above. heated gunite pool and all-weather tennis court. Beautifully landscaped 1.6 just minutes from Southampton and Water Mill villages.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Anyone who knows anything about New York City real estate will recognize the name of the homeowner of this property. But for all the children who don't recognize Ms. Lenz's name, let Your Mama educate you: Dolly I. Lenz is quite possibly the most successful real estate agent that ever walked the earth and is unquestionably New York City's premier agent.

Simmer down now Michael Shvo. Lawhd hunny, Your Mama can hear you shrieking through the internet wires. You many have been her protege, and you may have clawed your way to the top the the New York City real estate heap in just a few short years, but you're just going to have to wait for the queen to retire before you can wear her crown.

Ms. Lenz, a Bronx native and former accountant, has built her own real estate empire within the Prudential Douglas Elliman company. In addition to working with scores of nameless and faceless rich folks, Ms. Lenz has brokered deals for some of New York's most prominent celebrities such as Bruce Willis, Barbra Streisand and Kinray CEO Stewart Rahr, to whom she sold Burnt Point, a $45,000,000 weekend home in 2005. Your Mama is breathless calculating the commission for that one and we know that number has all the children reaching for their calculators too.

On a side note, it is said Mr. Rahr was partially persuaded to purchase Burnt Point, because he was unsuccessful in deterring the horny Hamptons homos from cruising the dunes at dusk out back of his previous ocean front property in an uber-posh section of East Hampton. Rather than continue waging that losing bitch fight/slap fest, he decided to move on to what was then the most expensive house ever purchased in the Hamptons.

The real estate powerhouse that is Dolly Lenz not only sells co-ops and condos in Manhattan, she also gets scores of listings in the Hamptons and Palm Beach. And children, her Palm beach listings include the Mr. Donald Trump's $125,000,000 terrifically gauche flip property. The Douglas Elliman website shows Ms. Lenz currently has listings in various other far flung locales including the Heath House in London, an ocean front crash pad in Malee-boo, a terraced penthouse in Boston, and a castle in Fife, England.

Constantly working two or three blackberries, carrying a $6,000 Hermes Birkin bag, and ferrying clients around in a chauffeured luxury sedan, this black suited, high heeled super-agent never stops working. According to a report in Haute Living, she even took calls while in labor with her children. What? Hunny, Your Mama hopes your clients appreciate that level of dedication and are thankful you are willing to tie yourself into a pretzel in order to get their deals done.

Anyhoo, we are familiar with the location of this home because, as it turns out, Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter have leased several of our automobiles just up the road about half a mile and we often take our bitches Linda and Beverly for a sandy stroll along the beaches in this area.

The house sits South of the Highway at the end of a quiet cul-de-sac just North of Fordune, the one-time 44-acre estate of Henry Ford that has been divided up into large estate sized parcels with extremely large houses. There are several beaches that are biking distance including the wide stretch at the end of Flying Point Road, and even closer is the very gay friendly Fowler's Beach.

Ms. Lenz's home appears quite modest in the photos, however, the property is a fairly typical South of the Highway property and includes a heated swimming pool and tennis court for the spor-teef minded. Although the home has more than a half dozen bedrooms, the detached two car garage includes a one bedroom apartment upstairs. Your Mama loves this because it's always nice to have a place for the maid or less favored guests to stay.

Your Mama only has the deepest of respect for Ms. Lenz and her real estate acumen, but after looking at the photographs above, you know we do have to take issue with her interior decoration. Gurl, you make a lot of money and you have got this house cluttered up like and looking like any old tract house in rural Minneapolis. We are suggesting with your next weekend getaway in the Hamptons you hire yourself a nice gay decorator to help you pull it all together in a style more befitting of the real estate royalty you are. If you need the names and numbers of a few interior propping poofters, you just let Your Mama know and we'll messenger a list right over.

Of course, with a husband, two teenage children, and 75 plus listings, who knows how this woman finds the time to get her hair cut and colored, let alone interview and hire a decorator. As busy as she is, it's practically a miracle she has any furniture at all. Hunny, give Your Mama a call and we can help you work out those little details while you keep the wheeling and dealing going at the dizzying pace we have all come to expect from you.

Sources: Prudential Douglas Elliman, Haute Living, The Real Deal, Luxury Real Estate

The DeVito/Perlman House Goes on the Block

SELLER: Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman
LOCATION: Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $31,900,000
SIZE: 14,579 square , 5 bedrooms, 7 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Most remarkable estate in Beverly Hills. Classic understated elegance designed by Wallace Neff and completely remodeled with the highest quality. Professional 35mm projection room, office, outstanding kitchen, dramatic master bedroom, 5 additional bedroom suites, complete guest house with additional office and garage, 2 separate swimming pools, nearly 2 acres of lush private park-like landscaping. First time on the market in nearly 20 years. Pre-qualified showings only.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: They may be petit, but make no mistake children, Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman are one of Hollywood's largest and in charge power couples. According to the LA Times Hot Properties column, DeVito/Perlman clan is moving on from the lavish Beverly Hills estate they've called home for nearly 20 years. Designed by the venerable Wallace Neff, the French Country style property was originally built in the 1930s and has been updated and upgraded over the years and is without a doubt acceptably kitted out for even the fussiest of Hollywood honchos.

Hollywood mogul types love their state of the art media/projection rooms, and this house will not disappoint with it's 35mm capabilities. Bigwigs also crave separate home-office space for the myriad staff and assistants necessary to run a film and television empire. And again this house does not disappoint with it's separate office suite and guest parking. Your Mama hates nothing more than having "co-workers" peering into our bedrooms and opening our medicine cabinets, so this set-up is perfect for keeping all the sycophants and creepy types out of the boozum of one's home.

There are a couple of additional features Your Mama would like to take note of about this property. The first is that there are two swimming pools on the two acre property. Two! We're guessing the DeVito/Perlman clan put in a second, indoor pool for all those glacially cold winter days in Beverly Hills. Or maybe it was a more medical minded decision having to do with skin cancer. Whatever the case, Your Mama is concerned about the number of pool boys required to be up on the property at all times.

Anyhoo, Your Mama needs to keep the exact location and address of this property under wraps as it is our understanding the DeVito/Perlman clan is still in residence. But, we can let the children know the house sits just North of Sunset, is surrounded by some of the most expensive and elaborate properties in Beverly Hills, including David Geffen's $47,000,000 estate, and David Saperstein's shockingly huge house. The property sits right next door to the former love nest of Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston, which sold last year in the neighborhood of $23,500,000.

According Ms. Ryon over at the Hot Properties column, it is unknown why the DeVito/Perlman's have chosen to move on from their mammoth estate, but Your Mama is sure it has nothing to do with the Mister's very funny, but rather embarrassing antics on The View recently. Perhaps as their three children (Lucie, Grace, and Jacob) get older and begin to fly the nest, the Devito/Perlmans are simply looking to downscale. They also have a place out in Malee-boo for weekends, so we expect they'll stick around the Bev Hills area.

We understand from Wilma, our source on the ground, that Mister Beckham and his Spicey Wifey are looking for a home slightly West of this property and prefer something in a much lower price range. But we're thinking this property would be perfect for them. Your Mama would not be at all surprised if they've already toured this property or will as soon as they land stateside again after Miss Vicki finishes strutting and frowning through all the Paris shows.

The property is being represented by uber agent to the stars Kurt Rappaport of the Westside Estate Agency, and as of today the brokerage has only included one photo with the listing on their website. However Your Mama has contacted Wilma Washington, our well-connected birdie in Los Angeles, and obtained a few more photos for the hungry children that will soon be appearing on the multiple listing service.

Sources: LA Times Hot Properties, Westside Estate Agency, TMZ, Wickipedia

Britney and Kevin's Love Shack

SELLER: Britney Spears / Kevin Federline
LOCATION: 3200 Retreat Court, Malibu
PRICE: $13,500,000
SIZE: 9,130 square feet, 7 bedrooms, 8.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: (NEW) Privacy is paramount at this remarkable 1.53 acre gated estate situated on a serene cul-de-sac in Malibu's famed Serra Retreat. William Pauli, AIA designed this recently updated 9200 square foot residence with 6 large private bedroom suites, dance/workout room, game room,2 wine storage (refrigerated and unrefrigerated)areas, new recording studio and detached 1 bedroom, 1 bath guest house with great room and kitchen. The master suite features vaulted ceilings, 3 walk-in closets (including a safe room), and abundant storage built-ins. This estate offers endless indoor and outdoor entertainment possibilities with french doors that lead to intimate gathering spaces framed by fireplaces and fountains. Exterior grounds are exceptional and offer the ultimate in both relaxation and recreation featuring a resort style pool with waterfall and grotto, waterslide, swim up refreshment cabana and toddlers wading area. An outdoor dining "room" awaits with professional kitchen, TV and aquarium. A 2 story childrens playhouse (with air conditioning) and lighted sport court complete this incredible offering. Shown only to prequalified buyers.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: That's right children, this vagina flashing mommy of two and her soon to be ex-husband, the White Rapper, have finally and officially put their Malibu love shack on the market. We have posted the address of this property because the "lady" of the house has already, famously, moved on to a new home up in the gated Summit Circle area of Beverly Hills and we imagine the White Rapper has scored himself a new pad with his dee-vorce settlement money. Or perhaps he's moved his sneaker collection back over to the house of his first baby momma, Shar Jackson. Oh dear, did we say that out loud?

Now, for all you children with the inclination to get in your hoopties and drive out to Malee-boo and stake out this house...Your Mama strongly advises against it. First of all, no one famous is living in this house anymore. Secondly if you're crazy enough to drive out to Malee-boo just to get a look at the front gates of this house, you need some help the likes of which Your Mama can not provide. Seriously. It's one thing to be looking at these people in magazines and online, but it's not cool to chase them around in their cars or stand out in front of their houses.

Anyhoo, the listing was given to Kimberley Pfeiffer over at Coldwell Banker who has several very high-end listings in addition to this property. Currently the listing agent is not providing any other photos than what you see above. There have been photos of this house published and blogged before, so we're not getting crazy about getting them, but we'll keep our eyes peeled and will certainly request them.

The house is located up in the super exclusive Serra Retreat in Malibu and is tucked back on a small cul-de-sac with just three other homes. They very publicly purchased this property just a few years ago for a reported $7,200,00 and set about customizing it by installing a recording studio and a work/out dance rehearsal room.

It appears these two ar-teests purchased the property through something called the Love Shack Trust. Isn't that cute? The property records also list several other names and trusts, but Your Mama is guessing those are the names of lawyers and business managers.

Your Mama does not have a lot of appreciation for the pop music stylings of Miss Britney Spears, and we certainly do not care for that noise the White Rapper makes, but we are honestly a little sad to see this house go up for sale. For it means two things: 1.) Their sincere and intense love affair and marriage really is over. And 2.) We're all likely to be seeing even more of Britney's drunken cooch on parade at clubs all over Hollywood. Lawhd help us all.

Sources: LA Times Hot Properties, Coldwell Banker

Real Estate Pornography VII (Bay Area)

SELLER: Unknown
LOCATION: Corte Madera, CA
PRICE: $27,000,000
SIZE: 12,000 square feet, 7 bedrooms, 8 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: (shortened from listing agents website) Located on a gated private hilltop...this 11 acre (+/-) estate offers a dramatic contemporary 12,000 sq. ft (+/-) main house, a separate guest house, a gigantic level outdoor entertaining area (pool, cabana, water slide, soccer lawn, playground, volleyball, basketball, etc.), a working organic garden with huge greenhouse and much more. The main house...offers dramatic formal entry, living and dining rooms...plus a professional chef’s kitchen-family room...a professional music studio/entertainment center, a huge SF view luxury master bedroom suite, a separate kid’s wing and children’s playroom...

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Okay babies, Your Mama is sitting here in Fiona Trambeau’s San Francisco office nursing a nasty hangover so don’t any of you bitches be crossing me this morning. We aren’t speaking to Fiona this morning due to a screeching fight we had last night over that crazy Tom Cruise and someone named Mike Piazza. We don’t even know who that is puppies, but Fiona was defending his honor something fierce. Lawhd children, I can’t go back into all that and relate all the details, but suffice to say that it resulted in Fiona and Your Mama being unceremoniously booted from the bar. Your Mama was so upset and disturbed that when we got home, we had to take ourselves TWO nerve pills just to get to sleep.

Anyhoo, we’re here to discuss the real estate and not the proclivities of certain celebrities and athletes. So since we’re in San Francisco, we’re bringing all the children some serious Bay Area real estate pornography. This property, located north of The City in some place called Corte Madera is being marketed by the listing brokerage as “The Bill Graham Estate.”

Do all the children know who Bill Graham was? We didn’t think so. Let Your Mama educate you some on this man then. Bill Graham was a legendary San Francisco concert promoter who was instrumental in bringing 1960s counter culture icons such as Lawrence Ferlinghetti, Jefferson Airplane and the Grateful Dead into the mainstream consciousness. And he made buckets of money doing it. Tragically he was killed in a 1991 freak helicopter accident while returning home from seeing Huey Lewis and the News in concert. Lahwd children, all due respect to Mister Graham and his kin folk, but I don’t know what’s worse, dying in a helicopter accident or seeing Huey Lewis and News in concert.

After viewing the photos provided on the listing agent’s website, and due to the contemporary architectural stylings of the house, Your Mama was suspicious of this “Bill Graham Estate” marketing tactic. And as we suspected, the photos above are not photos the house in which Bill Graham lived. No babies, that house was torn down in the 1990s and replaced by this sprawling and angular behemoth designed by noted “green” architect Sim Van Der Ryn.

Your Mama is not down with the marketing angle here as the property has no visual relationship with the former Bill Graham estate other than a shared street address. We are, however, appreciative of the current owners extreme dedication to building an ecologically friendly abode. According to the architect’s website, the owner specified that “only reclaimed or certified sustainably harvested woods be used for framing and finishes.” And in fact some of the wood was reclaimed from the original house site and also from buildings being taken down at the Presidio of San Francisco.

The house incorporates rammed earth construction in order to cut down on the use of cement, and the south facing allows most of the rooms to be flooded with light and heated passively by the sun. The sun’s heat is absorbed in the floor further adding to the homes energy efficiency. We applaud the commitment to green building and think it’s amazing the current owners are so committed to sustainable living they have even included a large organic garden in order to grow some of their own food. Very cool, very modern, very Bay Area.

This house is so politically correct Your Mama feels like it's an environmental sin to speak ill of it, but there are a couple of issues we simply must address. We find the articulation of the roof lines and walls a little confusing. All those obtuse angles and swooping lines leave us feeling a little like we’re looking at a progressively designed convention center.

And hunnies, we’ve broken into a cold sweat over that backyard playground area. We understand well-healed parents like to provide a myriad of backyard activities for their children and the environmentally conscious super rich are apparently no different in this way. But this place seems more like a public park rather than a private back yard. And for some reason, this merger of residential and civic design makes us very uneasy. We understand a pool. We understand a tennis court. And we can even understand a play structure if you’ve got small children. It’s the steroidal water slide, the volleyball court, the soccer court and the freaking basketball court. Is that all necessary? It just seems TOO much and we are left breathless trying to imagine the number of full-time staff it takes to maintain all that.

Now, off Your Mama is headed into the foggy San Francisco morning to meet up with Falsetta Knockers, see the new Herzog and de Meuron designed DeYoung Museum, and if we’re feeling really arty and ambitious, we may even hit the SF MoMa too. Bye hunnies.

SOURCES: Tiburon Land Company, Van Der Ryn Architects, wickipedia

San Francisco, Open Your Golden Gates

Dear lovely readers,

Your Mama will be heading to San Francisco on Thursday to visit with our filthy minded friend Fiona Trambeau, the potty-mouthed Falsetta Knockers and her literary man-friend, the always lovely Miss Anne, and so on and so forth.

Your Mama's little bitches Linda and Beverly will be staying home with their daddy, the Dr. Cooter, who will no doubt have them sleeping up on the bed and misbehaving something awful by the time we get home.

Your Mama will be totally out of commission on Thursday, but plan on having something for the children again on Friday. So please now, don't turn your back on Your Mama just because we're taking a day off. Even Your Mama needs a day or two of rest sometimes.

We are signing off now to get to the 24 hourdruggist to pick up our prescription for the Valiums so we can fly in peace, or at least in a torpid haze. Bye now hunnies.

Russ Weiner, Rockstar Superstar

SELLER: Russell Goldencloud Weiner
LOCATION: 8507 Franklin Avenue, Los Angeles
PRICE: $2,500,000 (reduced from $2,995,000 to $3,500,000 and then $3,995,000)
SIZE: 4 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Luxuriously unique Contemporary home in the Hollywood Hills is the entertainer’s dream. This home features a lavish pool, spa, and yard, three fireplaces, and two koi ponds. The kitchen boasts a large granite island and hardwood floors. The master suite has its own sitting area with a large marble bath with a steam shower and spa tub. Easily access to all floors by elevator and roof deck with a bridge to the pool.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Don't feel bad if you don't know who this Weiner dude with the unusual middle name is, 'cause we didn't either. Turns out, this man is the founder and CEO of the Rockstar energy drink empire and he's made multi-millions selling his faux crack shit to all the club hopping children who don't have enough sense to just do some cocaine. Mister Weiner, a fixture on the Hollywood party circuit, has managed to get oodles of celebs to shill his product for him. The website for this product features scores of big name folks like Eva Longoria, the boys from OutKast, Travis Barker, Fergie, and the ever so fun Robin Leach.

None the less, Your Mama has a strong hunch the "energy drink" revolution is coming to an end and predicts the sales of these "energy drinks" are soon to be headed down the toilet bowl. So puppies, sell your stock now. And remember, you heard it here first.

Your Mama is not here to discuss the dreary state of politics in the U-nited States, but we would be remiss if we did not mention this Weiner dude is the son of vitriolic right wing radio head Michael Savage of the Savage Nation program. One look at this man's website and we knew we were headed straight for the nerve pills this morning. Lahwd children, this Bush supporter/Muslim hater has videos of be-headings on his website under the headline, "Know Your Enemy." Please. That is just so asinine and inflammatory, we're not going to touch it.

Anyhoo, Your Mama is here to discuss the real estate, so let's just try to move on from all that nastiness. This Weiner dude, who, at least in the past, has shared some of his fathers rather alarming views, has this Hollywood Hills house up for sale. Unfortunately for him, he is having a devil of a time finding a buyer. In fact, this property, listed with uber brokerage Hilton & Hyland, has been reduced $1,000,000 since it was put on the market in October of 2006.

Public records show the property was purchased in December 2002 at an undisclosed price. However, it does show Mister Weiner did take a mortgage of $1,000,000. That would indicate he most likely paid between $1.2 and $1.5 million. No doubt he dropped a $150,000 into renovations. So after just four years of ownership he was hoping to make in excess of $2,500,000. We know the real estate market has been scorching hot in Los Angeles the last few years, but this seems a wee excessive to Your Mama.

It's clear this Weiner dude put some money into updating, but it's also clear he didn't change some of the more obvious atrocities like the front door and master bathroom (see virtual tour). And it probably goes without saying Your Mama is not fond of the flesh colored exterior.

Fortunately, the house is equipped with an elevator serving all floors. This is a good thing because a person whose heart is racing from too many energy drinks could easily have a coronary climbing up and down all the stairs in this four-story abode.

The location, however, is quite good being a straight shot right up N. Kings Road. All our Los Angeleno children know this is an excellent location for easy access to tons of high-profile, clubs, restaurants, and hotels. We approve of the Weiner dude's kitchen renovation even if it's not what we would do to our own kitchen.

The views are breathtaking from the roof top terrace which is a most excellent place for our bitches Linda and Beverly to sun their weiner bodies. Bravo to the architects and engineers who managed to get a swimming pool here given the lot is basically a vertical cliff.

Of course, Your Mama would toss that gym equipment out with yesterday's trash, but we are appreciating all the televisions--we counted four. We can only hope this Weiner dude was thoughtful enough to install a television in the elevator. You know how Your Mama hates to miss her favorite programs like the re-runs of Reba and that mortifying My Super Sweet 16 program on the MTV. Lawhd hunnies, that program is like a damned train wreck. We desperately want to just flip past that channel, but we can't help it. We always end up watching, and our evening is completely ruined by the visual carnage and disturbing entitlement of those teenage assholes. But that's all another story.

Anyhoo, this Weiner dude has a history and penchant of buying and selling properties and you can have a look-see at another property he previously owned that is currently being offered for sale by clicking here.

Now, if any of you are inclined to help out this Weiner dude and buy this house, please call the folks over at Hilton & Hyland. I'm sure they'd like to get this thing off their plates.

Sources: Forbes, Wickipedia, Savage Nation

Reggie Bush's Hollywood Hills Hideaway

BUYER: Reggie Bush
LOCATION: Viewsite Terrace, Hollywood Hills, LA
PRICE: $5,000,000 (approx.)
SIZE: 4,800 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 6 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: STRIKING DESIGNER VERTICAL ESTATE WITH 320 DEGREE PANORAMIC VIEWS! Breathtaking Penthouse master suite opens to an expansive Sky-deck for that "King of the World" feel. Private His & Her baths with all amenities is coupled with mahogany dressing room/closet. The Great Room welcomes with its floating glass Library Loft, cool Bar, silver padded D/R and platinum kitchen outfitted with Viking & Sub-Zero appliances. This city refuge could easily be a chic hotel with its State-of-the-art Theater, serene Asian guest suite, Home Beauty Spa and a hip Playroom sporting 3 TVs. Paneled elevator serves the tri-level seemless in/out door spaces where city to ocean views and beyond are always close by. Yacht-inspired ironwood party decks with a stone pool & spa, BBQ & bar plus a dining gazebo all focus on the jetliner views. Designed by Angie Thornbury & built by Gordon Gibson. Once in a Lifetime Opportunity!

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: We'll start with the Mister Bush who, of course, Your Mama knows nothing about as we're not much into the sports. According to the Hot Properties column in the LA Times, this man plays football for the New Orleans Saints. We have no idea why this man would need such a large and expensive home in Los Angeles, but we assume this USC alum calls Los Angeles home during the off season. We called Fiona Trambeau, who y'all know as our San Francisco informant about all things sports related. But all she wanted to discuss was Mister Bush's heiny and in fact was so graphic and vulgar about it all Your Mama had to hang up the phone on her.

Anyhoo children, this one is a terrible doozy and to be honest, there is just so much upsetting with this listing and property that it just makes Your Mama confused and sick. First off we're going to apologize for that round photograph up there. We took this from the listing agent's website. We have no doubt Mr. Sheldon is a stellar agent at Coldwell Banker. However, we do not approve of "creative" photo shapes.

The second problem we have with the listing information for this property is the headline used on the listing: "Hood Ornament of the Hollywood Hills!" Does Your Mama need any additional comment on that for all the children out there to know that is just plain wrong?

We hate to be tossing so much shade in the die-rection of this Mr. Sheldon, but we have another issue with his property description we would like to point out. What is the story with all that ubiquitous punctuation and capitalization? We considered going in there and removing all that crap, but it was just too much effort so we left it for you babies to be worn out by too.

We know Mr. Sheldon is hardly the only perpetrator of this sort of willy-nilly capitalization in the real estate bizness. So this goes out to all you real estate people who capitalize everything like everything is some sort of proper noun: don't do it. It just makes you look like you're yelling at everybody.

The house was purchased and given a total face lift by a woman named Angie Thornbury. This lady apparently has a nice bizness where she buys, fixes up, and sell on properties in the Los Angeles area at a great profit. Your Mama did a little searching and googling for this woman and this is what we came up with: She appeared on an episode of the HGTV show Designer's Challenge, and she started a design firm call Imagination! No babies, Your Mama did not add the exclamation point. Like her real estate agent, Ms. Thornbury also seems to enjoy shouting at people with extraneous punctuation.

We did some additional searching and kept coming up with dead ends. Your Mama just got tired of looking for this lady so we quit. We figured if she can't be bothered to make herself accessible on the internet, she probably does not want anyone to know who she is and what she does.

Lawhd babies, we're exhausted and we haven't even discussed the house yet. Your Mama has no major beef with the kitchen and living room areas. They're a little "W" hotel for our taste, which we feel is a style that's been played out. But that does not mean it does not sell for big bucks as no doubt Ms. Thornbury's pocketbook can tell you. We understand a lot of decorators are still doing this sort of thing and apparently a lot of buyers are still appreciating this sort of thing too.

The cinema room is obviously a very LA sort of home accoutrement. While we're not feeling the aubergine wall fabric or that "dramatic" overhead soffit lighting shit, we're sure this probably fits the bill for what many folks want in a private screening room. On to the bathroom. Well, at least in the one photo we have here, this room is a real problem. Your Mama can't imagine anyone feeling comfortable stripping nekkid in this room. I guess Mister Bush can imagine it, but he's probably just one of about a dozen who can.

Going back to the property description in the listing, there are a few features that make Your Mama furrow our brow with consternation. Hunny, what's a platinum kitchen? Does this refer to the color of the cabinets or the is it the material? And this "home beauty spa" that is mentioned? What ever is that? Is a room like this really necessary for anyone? Is this where you get your hair colored and woven in the privacy of your own home? And why would any "hip playroom" require three televisions? Can a person watch that many programs at once? Please. That many blaring television sets just seems like a recipe for an aural disaster that can only lead to a migraine.

Lahwd children, we're sorry to bring you such an abomination, but sometimes it's good to know what's bad, so then you know what's good, right? And with that Your Mama is signing out. We feel that migraine coming on strong from all the stress this listing is giving us. We need to get ourselves into a dark room with a big dose of Imitrex right quick.

Sources: LA Times Hot Properties, Coldwell Banker, Cory Sheldon, Zoom Info, HGTV

Oh Lawhd Please, No More Pears?

Hunnies, we have got to break into our normal posting routine here because Your Mama is too outraged to keep our mouth shut.

On Saturday, the 20th of January, The Sun, one of Britain's most aggressive and intense tabloids, featured photos of Brad and Angelina's new house in New Orleans. And yes children, it is the same house Your Mama told you they bought last week, on the 17th, thank you.

But Your Mama is not here to gloat about breaking stories. No sirree Bob. What we want to discuss is all these damn pear paintings that keep popping up in pictures of rich people's houses. That's right babies, one of the photos in The Sun's article shows a giant pear painting hanging over a fireplace in one of the rooms.

Do you recall that pear abortion in Cher's flip nightmare in Palm Springs? Well if you do, you know Your Mama was not happy about it. If not, you can read about it here.

Anyhoo, we were alerted to this pear by our San Francisco based anglophile friend Fiona Trambeau. And Lahwd children, Your Mama just about came unglued when we saw this decorating tragedy. We were so disturbed we had to go take us a nerve pill. Please.

Who are all these gay decorators who are telling their clients to be hanging paintings of giant pears up in their houses? WHO? WHO ARE THEY? Because Your Mama would like to sit them down and give them a severe tongue lashing. Then we'd like to take them up to the roof and beat their asses until they haven't got enough sense to know what a pear is.

We have had enough of the pears. Do you hear Your Mama? ENOUGH. And we don't want to be seeing any other fruit up on the walls either. All you gay decorators out there need to have some mercy on our souls and not be putting that kind of shit up on the walls. Honestly! If you need the name of some good galleries, you just let Your Mama know and we'll get you some phone numbers and addresses. Now then, stop it with the pears.

What do the children think. Is it just Your Mama who finds this fruit fetish offensive?

David LaChapelle's Picture Perfect Place

SELLER: David LaChapelle
LOCATION: Second Avenue, East Village, NYC
PRICE: $1,995,000 (monthly maintenance: $1,677)
SIZE: 1,350 square feet, 2 bedrooms, 1.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: This 2 Bedroom corner unit features a grand entry foyer, formal dinning room, and an over sized living room...The dark wood floors serve as a great contrast to the colorful City palette provided by the home's 10 windows. This part-time doorman building features a full time elevator operator and is ideally situated in the heart of the East Village. Additional features are beamed ceilings, crystal doorknobs, original moldings, and imported mosaic tiles.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Your Mama is in a cold sweat imagining all the debauched debauchery and big boobies this apartment has surely seen. The wildly successful and reasonably attractive Mr. LaChapelle is best buddies with such downtown and Hollywood luminaries as Pam Anderson, Amanda Lepore, and those queer boys from Heatherette. And, apparently, they all like to get together, strip down, and take pictures.

The photographer's work bends heavily towards the soo-real and he's photographed just about every over-bronzed, over injected, and over implanted female celebrity (or tranny female celebrity) that's walked the hallowed streets of Hollywood and Manhattan in the last 20 years. And hunnies, you know all these ladies is almost always half nekkied in the pictures, their little nippies just about poking our eyes out from the pages of all the glossy magazines. Often as not, these ladies are not only nekkid as the day they was born but doing something suggestive, naughty, and/or taboo. Your Mama loves that shit!

Anyhoo, the apartment we are going to discuss is being sold as a "celebrity lair" by the Prudential Douglas Elliman listing agents and it was confirmed to to Your Mama by the listing agent herself that this apartment is in fact the personal residence of Mr. LaChapelle. Of course he no doubt has himself a big studio where he does his picture taking, but this east village aerie is where he entertains his intimate friends and lays his head down at night.

This 6th floor apartment has lovely light and open views from the East, West and North. It also happens to be located in one of the very best buildings in all of the East Village, just a hop, skip, and jump from the venerable Veselka restaurant and also just a few minutes walk to Tompkins Square Park where you can visit the dog run and score a little dope all at the same time. Okay all you old-school East Village types, cool it. We know Tompkins Square ain't what it used to be and is now just about over run with Marc Jacobs clad mommies pushing wildly expensive Bugaboo strollers. But Your Mama has it on very good authority that you can still fix your itch here iffin you know who to talk to.

Anyhoo, we mostly feel quite positive about this apartment and, if not for the bathroom situation, we might even feel we could live here. Your Mama loves that green striped bathroom as it looks like a very interesting and colorful place to clean up, floss and do one's dirty bizness, and we appreciate the private half bath in the second bedroom. But we are a mite confused as to which room is the master and which is for guests. Also, the closets space is on the slim side which is problematic for all the obvious reasons.

Even still, y'all know how Your Mama appreciates and adores a big entrance hall like that. No need to have the messenger people know what sort of furniture and money you have. Of course, the dark floors and the white walls also make us grin with glee. The living room acts as a perfectly calm and balanced space against the filth and chaos of Noo York City, and Your Mama thinks Mr. LaChapelle (or his gay decorator) did and most excellent job in here. Mostly anyway.

We are, however, a little disconcerted with the large painting in the bedroom. We just barely qualified to critique the artwork babies, but we do know that painting would give Your Mama quite a fright in the middle of the night. Imagine rolling over and catching a glimpse of that while half asleep? Hunny, in a sleep haze we'd be all freaked out thinking there was some crazy dancing ladies up in the bedroom trying to steal our damn jewelry. So, all due respect Mr. LaChapelle hunny, that painting would need to go if we were ever to get a good nights rest in your crib.

We're also not convinced on the choice of coverlets in the bedrooms. We are however respecting the choice to have each of the bedrooms use coverlets of the same fabric only in a different color. That sort of uniformity makes Your Mama feel calm inside.

Now babies, this place has been on the market for quite some time, so one of you New York readers with a little dough should do Mr. LaChapelle and the real estate agents a favor and buy this place.

Sources: Prudential Douglas Elliman

Reed Krakoff Double Whammy (Beach)

SELLER: Reed Krakoff
LOCATION: Southampton, NY
PRICE: $12,000,000
SIZE: 3.3 acres, 4,000 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 5.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Privacy and beauty combine in this modern 5 bedroom, 6 bathroom home on 3.3 acres in estate section. Century-old property with pool, pool house, playhouse, greenhouse. Slate terraces overlook award-winning mature landscaping that borders adjacent farm fields. Room for tennis and large home.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: We know all you folks out in places like Portland, Peoria, and Piscataway may not think this Reed person is a "celebrity." But trust Your Mama when we tell you, in New York design, art, and business circles, he and wifey Delphine are at the top of the heap.

When the Krakoff clan heads East from their super-deluxe townhouse in Manhattan for a weekend of sun, sand, and barbecue, this is dwelling to which they are chauffeured. The flag-lot property sits smack in the middle of Southampton's most exclusive neighborhood and is just a few minutes bike ride to Coopers Neck Beach. The Krakoff house also happens to be a few doors down from "Old Trees," the tremendous, old-school lakefront estate being offered at the stunning price of $48,000,000. That should tell you a little something about the quality of the location.

Like their townhouse in the city (the old one, not the new one), this place has been photographed and swooned over in high-style publications, most notably last September in Elle Decor. Your Mama thinks that Mr. Krakoff--a smart, savvy guy, and very well connected dude--calls up a few of his big-time homies and gently asks for his homes to be written up in a fancy magazine or two just as their coming to market. Thereby grabbing a little free press, not to mention being able to add a few pennies to the price for the cache of purchasing a "published" celebrity house. If you're friendly with all the right people, Your Mama recommends this strategy highly.

Even though we have a lovely little house at the beach ourselves, Your Mama would be happy to swap out our wee farmhouse for this rather severe assemblage of white cubes. The uniform articulation of windows on the back facade just makes us feel calm and visually soothed. The vine covered pergola thing, while not particularly clever, is absolutely effective in softening the austere nature of the architecture, not to mention providing some necessary shade. With global warming and all that crap, we all have to be more conscious of having a shady place to recline on those blistering summer days.

The kitchen we're digging due to it's studied and well ordered cacophony of styles. The master bedroom on the other hand is a little fussy for our taste. Your Mama is quite sure having a big old raccoon pelt on the bed is not a good idea. Oh, we get that it adds texture and luxury and all that horseshit, but no. These sorts of blankets are just a high-minded, design-y version of a big stuffed deer head hanging on the wall of the den. Come on now. Please. Put that fuzzy thing in the cold storage and get a nice hand-woven mohair something or other.

Your Mama thinks that enormous stretch of lawn is just beyond. It must take an army of gardeners and a wheelbarrow of money to keep that lawn looking the way it does; lush, even colored and not a brown spot anywhere. Your Mama thinks xeriscaping is truly the next wave in landscaping, but we still find ourselves drawn to a well maintained lawn.

One of the things Your Mama likes about the super-rich is how they pepper their grounds with artwork. The Krakoffs, big art lovers and consumers, also like expensive backyard sculpture. Did you notice the cute little wooden sheep? And of course the giant Tony Rosenthal cube probably set the Krakoff's back more than you make in a year.

We are disappointed not to find a tennis court here, as we've come to expect that of estate properties in the Hamptons. But the posh Bridgehampton Tennis & Surf Club is nearby and can be joined for the not so modest fee of about $7,700 for a family membership.

The wind is howling outside and the ground is frozen. So it's an excellent time to sit back and think about the coming summer months. Your Mama has a long list of Hamptons properties to bring you in the coming weeks, so stick around and we'll show you how the East Coast richie-riches summer in style and comfort.

Sources: NY Observer, Sotheby's International, DebbieGuide

Reed Krakoff Double Whammy (City)

SELLER: Reed Krakoff
LOCATION: East 61st Street, NYC
PRICE: $14,995,000 (list)
SIZE: 5+ floors, 4 bedrooms, 3 full and 3 half bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: (considerably reduced from listing agent's website) The splendid building was just gut renovated and entirely rebuilt by C-Square under the close supervision of the present owners. It contains several stunning features: a double height living room with a 26' wall of glass over a planted garden, an exquisite master floor, a second master with a terrace over the garden, and a top floor loft space flooded with with light. An elevator serves all five levels.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Okay children, settle down, Your Mama is going to tell y'all who this Reed Krakoff is and how it is he has so much scratch he is able to live in such tasteful and expensive opulence. This man is the "Divisional President" of Coach. We don't know what a Divisional President does either, so don't be emailing and asking us about that shit. This man previously did stints over at Tommy Hilfiger and Polo/Ralph Lauren but ultimately, this is just one of several houses all your medium priced handbags and wallets bought.

In his capacity as king of the leather carryall, Mr. Krakoff earns enough of the green stuff to make all your heads spin right off your bodies. Are you sitting down? According to Forbes, $26,183,375 in salary, bonus, and exercised stock options was deposited into Mr. Krakoff's bank accounts in the fiscal 2006 year. And puppies, this does not even include the $24,361,284 in un-exercised stock options he also received.

It was widely reported in the New York papers and publications that last September Mr. Krakoff and his interior designer wife Delphine purchased another townhouse over on East 70th Street for $17,000,000. This is the same fancy pants block that Mr. Woody Allen and his much younger wife/daughter/whatever currently live in their $25,900,000 townhouse.

So up for sale goes this palace of pulchritude. According to the listing, "an army of French craftsman" carved, fabricated, and worked over this townhouse to within an inch of it's life. The results have been lauded, cheered, and swooned over in peacocky publications like Vogue and House & Garden.

Your Mama rarely comes across a property we'd move into lock stock and barrel. But babies, even though we're not Upper East Side types, we'd pack up our Chelsea duplex and haul it uptown quicker than Jack the Ripper could slit a throat.

The listing states the parquet floors on the first and second floors are Louis XVI and were imported from France. Hunnies, you know it takes some serious effort and cabbage to haul parquet floors across the Atlantic. We're adoring the excessively high ceiling in the living room and that wall of ivy in the back courtyard has us peeing our pants. We're a little curious about the choice for such a petit dining room in such a large house, but as we've mentioned in a previous post, Your Mama actually likes to take our meals in smallish rooms, so it's just fine by us.

Up a floor in the elevator to the second level is a library/loft area leading to a quiet study facing the street. The master suite occupies the entire sweep of the third level. In the en suite, a delicious Louis XVI fireplace, one of nine in the house, is flanked by twin vanities.

On the fourth level, family bedrooms include a large suite with dressing room and en suite, as well as two smaller bedrooms and another bath. No doubt the Krakoff's housed their trio of progeny on this level. While it would work for us because we've only got our two little bitches Linda and Beverly to shelter, we imagine the Krakoffs were looking for a little more square footage for their multiple kiddies in their new townhouse.

Up one more level and the Krakoffs have designed an all-white aerie that is causing Your Mamas pits to sweat and heart to skip a beat or two. We know all that white furniture is totally impractical and impossible to keep clean. And we understand some people find white walls to be stark and unfriendly. But not Your Mama. We're happy to ride on that cloud of plain and peace, thank you very much.

The Krakoff clan is also selling their Bridgehampton beach house. Stay tuned now because we'll be bringing you the 411 on that property in our next post so all you children out there can see how the New York leisure class summers.

Sources: NY Observer, Forbes, Brown Harris Stevens

Welcome to the Jolie-Pitt's Nawlins Nest

BUYER: Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt
LOCATION: French Quarter, New Orleans, LA
PRICE: $3,750,000 (list)
SIZE: 7,435 square feet, 6 bedrooms, 4.5 baths in the main house
PROPERTY DESCRIPTION: Exquisite historic early 1830s masonry mansion in prime French Quarter location. Magnificent renovation with beautifully appointed interiors. Gorgeous chandeliers, crown moldings, fireplaces, high ceilings, custom cabinetry, architectural details, grand spiral staircase, elevator, chef's gourmet kitchen with top of the line appliances, private large courtyard and separate two-story guest house, private parking for two cars.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES:We have been getting heaps of emails asking Your Mama if we know anything about Brad and Angelina's new home in New Orleans. After putting some twos and twos together and receiving a little information from our New Orleans know-it-all Sassy Rack, Your Mama thinks we've hit pay dirt. Simmer down children, because we have not yet received confirmation from the listing agent, but we are quite sure this is the house the Jolie-Pitts and their growing collection of multi-culti kiddies now call home in the French Quarter of flood ravaged New Orleans.

This peripatetic pair recently confirmed to US Weekly they have indeed packed up, picked up and high-tailed it out of Malibu and will be living and raising the youngins in Nawlins. Your Mama loves that this couple is globally inclined. And it's terribly chic the way they live in Paris one minute and someplace in Africa the next; Malibu on Monday, New Orleans on Wednesday. But what Your Mama really wants to know is if these two are really planning on sending their kiddies to the public schools in New Orleans? Somehow we think not. Let's be honest, they work this "we are of the people" thing, but we doubt they are that much of the people. Besides it would just be so ugly and tacky to send all those babies to school with their own bodyguards.

Anyhoo, New Orleans is chock full of spectacular and ornate mansions. But Your Mama thinks this one is particularly well suited to these neo-bohemians. The 1830s house was built in an opulent Parisian style and the property contains front and back houses separated by a lush courtyard--a perfect place for the Jolie-Pitt babies to play in private hidden from the prying eyes of the paparazzi and public. The main house stacks up three stories in over 7,000 square feet. This structure includes lavish entertaining rooms, five fireplaces, an elevator, a gorgeous staircase, and a kitchen fit for caterers and hired chefs. Upstairs, the master faces the courtyard and includes a marble bathroom.

The back house is a totally self-contained unit. Which of course is perfect for housing all the staff, nannies, and various assistants these superstars employ. In addition to multiple bedrooms the back house includes its own entrance, kitchen and living areas.

Your Mama is not going to comment much on the furnishings as they belong to the previous owner. This decor is not to Your Mama's taste, but clearly the owners' gay decorator is cultured and educated in the ways of dee-luxe decorating for those living high on the hog.

Now babies, we know the address of this house and all the good stuff, but in the interest of protecting the safety and privacy of this way too public family, we're keeping the information in our vaults. Y'all know how Your Mama feels about the children standing out front of famous peoples' homes. These people have enough trouble without having to deal with that sort of stupid shit. So stay home, enjoy the photos and leave these folks alone for once.

Sources: US Weekly, Celebrific, Prudential Gardner

Posh and Becks Are Digging This One

LOCATION: Bel Air
PRICE: $14,950,000
SIZE: 6,097 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 8 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: An absolute jewel set behind stone walls and hand hewn entry gates in the most exclusive section of lower Bel Air. Extremely romantic English Country Manor originally designed in 1927 by John Byers. Completely remodeled, meticulously maintained, & filled with incredible charm. Wonderful public rooms with every conceivable amenity. Extremely luxurious master suite with his and her baths & closets. Set amidst a one acre verdant park with water features, outdoor fireplace, meandering paths, pool & spa.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: For better or worse, Your Mama is getting on the Posh and Becks real estate crazy train. As y'all already know, they are moving to Los Angeles, Lawhd help us all. And with Becks reported $250,000,000 paycheck, these two are going to be having mountains of money to spend on a swanky home for the family.

According to reports in the Daily Mail (via Curbed LA), the footballer and his top heavy wifey with the slim hips are planning on looking at upwards of 30 (!!) properties before settling on just the right one. The Mrs. Becks has already twice toured a house once owned by Lionel Richie, but apparently nixed it because the house wasn't large enough for visiting family and friends.

A well informed LA-based birdie told Your Mama the Beckhams were referred to their Sothebys agent (whose name Your Mama is going to keep under wraps) by none other than fellow ex-pat in reverse Madonna. One report even speculates the relocating Brits may crash at Madonna's house in Hancock Park while they're looking for a home of their own. Please. You'd have to be touched in the head to think this was true. Madonna is one smart and savvy cookie, but Your Mama do not see this bitch lending her house out to Chesty, Legs, and their boy brats any time soon. The last thing she wants is all those lunatic paparazzi stepping on her shrubbs and scratching the paint on the gates striving to get a photograph of Chesty's chi-chis.

Your Mama thinks these folks are far more likely to camp out in a very dee-luxe hotel with super tight security. But, if they're staying with anyone, you know it's most likely to be with those TomKat people over in Beverly Hills. That's right hunnies. As all you celebrity obsessed children know, the Hollywood Scientologist cabal, led by Tom Cruise and his "wife," have been spending A LOT of time with the British couple. Could they be trying to convert them to the wacky ways of L. Ron Hubbard? Only those on the inside really know what they talk about while shopping at Barneys and having dinner at Cut. Time will tell babies, time will tell. But back to the real estate...

Your Mama has it on good authority that the Mrs. Becks recently toured the home pictured above, listed with super-agent Kurt Rappaport from the uber-brokerage Westside Estate Agency. The Bel Air property sits a few houses up from Sunset Boulevard and is sugar borrowing distance from Nic Cage and his much younger wife--whose house is also on the market for a reported $35,000,000. Other big name neighbors are said to include Clint Eastwood, Nancy Reagan and Jennifer Lopez, who just happens to be another high profile lady the Scientologists are (allegedly and apparently) in the midst of converting.

Another well connected tipster, who Your Mama will call Wilma Washington, has offered Your Mama a few tidbits about what Posh and Becks are actually looking for. According to Wilma, the search is being limited to Bel Air and the Holmby Hills and they are "maxing out at $15,000,000 and the inventory for what they want is very slim."

We were thinking these two might want something glitzy and high profile. Something tres LA with a big view and serious security. We were even thinking they might end up in Beverly Park, Summit Circle or some other supremely expensive gated community up in the hills.

But according to Wilma, this house is currently at the top of the Brits' list. So turns out this glam couple are inclined towards something restrained, dignified and very, very well bred. Your Mama guesses that if you don't own it, you can buy with enough money.

Anyhoo, the house itself sits way back off the street with a long meandering drive through manicured gardens. Emulating an English County Cottage, the house is without a doubt well appointed and renovated to the nines, if not to our taste. There walls are covered with acres of wood paneling and, according to the listing, there are four fireplaces. Like so many rich people's houses, this one too has toilets galore...eight to be exact.

Upstairs in the master suite, the bedroom area has a tremendous pitched ceiling, a fireplace, and a very large bathroom that contains several very interesting features including a writing desk and a large built in bookshelf for those days when you just can't make it out of the bathroom and into the world.

But perhaps the most interesting feature of the bathroom is the mirrored ceiling. Yes children, the ceiling is mirrored. MIRRORED! Chesty can lie back in that deep, claw-footed tub and admire the extraordinary slimness of her limbs in the quietude of her large and generous master suite while her husband and boys kick a soccor ball on the front lawn. What could be better than that?

We're disappointed not to see a tennis court, guesthouse or media room.

Your Mama will keep our eyes peeled and ears to the ground to bring you any additional information about this and other properties they're considering. And of course, if any of you children have any information to share, get in touch with Your Mama a.s.a.p.

Sources: Curbed LA, Westside Estate Agency

This Time, Cher Flips Out

SELLER: Cher
LOCATION:Camino Sur, Palm Springs, California
PRICE: $2,495,000
SIZE: 4,000 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 4.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: (shortened from the listing agent's website) This standing monument of beauty, tradition, and culture was created by the inspirations of Cher who knows and lives the lifestyle of a privileged few. Exquisite details emulate throughout 4,000 square feet of custom architecture and design. Not a feature overlooked from high end travertine, granite, lighting, carpeting, appliances, and cabinetry. The voluptuous master suite features his and her wardrobe rooms, fireplace, wet bar and adjoining foyer.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Your Mama is very bizzy the last couple of days selling some houses so we can pay the mortgage and feed our bitches Linda and Beverly. But we know all the children out there are hungry for some celebrity real estate meat so we're going dash one off here real quick before we scurry out to meet some clients.

Now babies, Your Mama grew up on Cher, watching her flip that long, shiny hair and lickin' those glossy lips in her freaky Bob Mackie outfits. We would sit mesmerized in front of the television as she laid across that pie-ana and sang about gypsies, tramps and thieves and our skin would goose bump when she belted out that song about a dark lady who laughs and midnight.

Of course, we've all seen what's become of Cher the last 10 or 15 years. Poor thing. We're thinking she and Michael Jackson probably have a lot to talk about, don't you hunnies? At least she's still got her devoted gays, oodles of bar remixes, a huge catalog of music, and of course, that lovable trademark who gives a shit what you think attitude. So we know this lady could care less what Your Mama thinks about her excessive nips, tucks, and injections let alone her questionable interior decorating notions.

Your Mama always tries to find some good in what we're discussing. But babies, get ready now, because even though we love Cher from way back, we don't have anything positive to say about this property she's flipping for a considerable profit.

We don't know if Cher, who claims to love the Palm Springs lifestyle, intended to occupy this dwelling. We certainly can not imagine that happening after having a look at the photos. No, no, no. We do know she purchased this home in 2004 for just $650,000 and proceeded to give it the same sort of make-over she's given her face: she's added on, had the rough edges smoothed out, buffed it, shined it and had it staged to within an inch of it's life. Children, we know that's a wee bit mean, but you know it's true.

When we heard Cher was flipping this house, Your Mama figured the house would be dressed up like some high drama Bob Mackie baroness dripping in feathers and beads. But instead what do we see here? A middle brow matron with a big taste for beige. I'm sure there are buyers who will appreciate all those "neutral" wall colors, but Your Mama finds all that beige color to be coma inducing.

Two additional details we're going to take issue with and then we're going to drop this thing before Your Mama becomes suicidal from an overdose of beige.

That pear picture hanging on the dining room wall is an abomination. Did the decorator buy that at some discount furniture clearance house? Please. Get rid of it before someone comes in and drops dead from ugly shock.

And you know we're feeling squeamish about those photographs of Cher in the den-room. First of all it's just creepy. Secondly, it is a tacky way of reminding star-fucking house hunters they are in the "House of Cher." You know this is not necessary, because the LISTING says Cher owns this house, and children, every single one of you knows deep in your hearts the listing agent is going to let every damn potential buyer know this again and again.

Lahwd babies, Your Mama has done stroked out over this place now. It's 11 in the morning and we're going to pour ourselves a drink to get us through the day. You do the same.

Sources: LA Times Hot Properties, Coldwell Banker

Real Estate Pornography VI

SELLER: Lilly Lawrence
LOCATION: Malibu Crest Drive, Malibu, California
PRICE: $17,000,000
SIZE: 2.5 acres, 6,256 square feet, 6 bedrooms, 8 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Malibu landmark property for only the truly unique! Entertainer's paradise with views from every direction. "The Castle" sits on a knoll adjacent to the Serra Retreat overlooking Malibu Colony and Surfer's Point. Spectacular in every way!!!

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Oh lahwd children, we know what you're thinking, 'cause at first we were thinking it too: "What devil would put a Medieval mess like this up in the bosom of magnificent Malee-boo?" When we first came across this listing Your Mama was thinking this was all some sort of mistake, a hoax, or maybe an abandoned set for one of those terrible Brad Pitt period pictures.

So we got on the horn and we called up the listing agent, who happens to be the incomparable, ebullient Scotty Brown of Coldwell Banker in Malibu. Y'all may remember the smooth-pate and horn rimmed glasses of Mr. Brown from the Bravo's Million Dollar Listing. Or perhaps you caught him on World of Wonder's hi-larious Ring My Bell program. Or maybe you remember him back in the day when he was a nightclub owner, before he became the BMW driving real estate bigwig he is today.

"The Castle," sits just up the hill from the ultra-exclusive, gated Malibu Colony and in the same neck of the woods as Britney Spears' house of marital horrors. The estate occupies some of Malibu's choicest real estate covering 2.5 acres of hilltop with 360 degree views.

When originally built in the late 1970's by a Dr. Thomas Hodges, all sorts of neighbors had conniption fits the likes of which only the rich can have. These freaked out folks pressed local government for rules and commissions that would forbid this sort of residence to be built again. Now children let's be honest, after the good doctor built this house, how many Malee-booans do you think were clamoring to build one just like it? Please.

The current owner, who purchased the property in 1998, is Lilly Lawrence, daughter of a former oil minister of Iran. The property has been named "Castle Kashan" and it is available to rent for weddings and events. Have you ever wanted to host a jousting competition in the drive court and then have your guests sit down to a gluttonous feast of roasted pig and mead wine? Here's the place to do it.

Anyhoo, Ms. Lawrence is known as a world renown beauty, philanthropist and a lovable, eccentric gal about town. When Your Mama contacted listing agent Scotty Brown he told us this lady "is awesome" and she loves "Elvis, Scarface, and Scotty Brown." She also has a penchant for cars like this and this.

At first glance, we were sure this house needed to be torn down and replaced with something more respectable. However, the more we thought about it the less we could justify that sort of drastic action. See, Your Mama just loves folks who are 100% committed to their own eccentricities. And hunnies, the cold hard truth is anyone crazy enough to build, buy and live in a house like this smack in the middle of Malibu is probably someone Your Mama would want to have to dinner with. In light of that, we've come around and decided we LOVE this place.

No children, Your Mama wouldn't want to live here surrounded by turrets and barbicons, living out some King Arthur fantasy. But somebody very interesting will. We're thinking a rock star. Maybe someone like that Amy Lee singer-gal from Evanescence. Give 'er a call Scotty.

Sources: Coldwell Banker, Scotty Brown, herecomestheguide.com, Malibu Castle Kashan

Janice Min, gossip queen (redux)

SELLER: Janice Min
LOCATION: the Porter House, Meatpacking District, NYC
PRICE: $3,150,000 (sale price)
SIZE: 2,271 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: The loft features a perfect family layout, with 3 winged bedrooms (2 with en suite bathrooms), three exposures and 16 windows, blazing sunlight, beautiful views and a Val Cucine chef's kitchen. Jatoba wood floors throughout the loft and all rooms have large closest customized by California Closets. Everything in XXX mint condition.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Your Mama discussed this apartment back in December, but we didn't post all the photos or floor plan as we should have so all the hungry children could get their proper fill. Therefore we've decided to bring you this gossip queen's former apartment once again.

Ms. Min, editor in chief of the venerable gossip rag US Weekly, has long ago packed up the family and moved into a much larger and more expensive loft in tourist infested SoHo. This apartment is currently owned by bigwig commercial real estate broker Robert Futterman.

The Porter House, the building where this apartment is located, was one of the first high-end residential developments in the Meatpacking District. The area is currently filled to the rim with high end retailers (i.e. Stella McCartney, DDC Lab, Calypso) and a number of way too chic hostelries such as Hotel Gansevoort and members only SoHo House. But, for all the children out there not familiar with New York City, the Meatpacking District used to be just that...a place where burly men sliced up animal carcasses and packed the meat in boxes. Not so many years ago the streets here literally ran with blood and the stench of rotting meat singed your nose hairs.

The district is still thriving and filled with fancy shops for the ridiculously rich and fashion forward, but it's no longer the "it" neighborhood to live in Manhattan. In fact, Manhattan itself is not longer a particularly desirable place to live for trendsetters , but hunny that's another story.

Back to the apartment gossip bought. We are digging the Val Cucine kitchen and can imagine it's a nice place to cook up some toast and unpack all the delivered meals. As we've mentioned before, we're not always fond of "loft style" layouts, but this one works for Your Mama as you can safely watch television in the living area and not have the dirty dishes be staring you down making you feel like you're keeping a filthy house.

As much as we are liking the Italian kitchen and those mouth watering floors, Your Mama is sorry to say we're not down with Ms. Min's choices in furniture and accessories. Okay, the Jonathan Adler pillows are fine and the Aeron chair is good for the ergonomics, but somehow it's just not all working together. We're also thinking that if you take all those plants out of the bathroom, it will seem a little too ordinary. Even the stainless sinks are not working for us.

Ms. Min, you have a very good job. And with all due respect, we hope over at your new place you've gone and hired yourself a nice gay decorator to help you pull it all together.

Sources: NY Observer, Meisel Real Estate, Robert K. Futterman and Associates

Queer Eye Guy Goes B-K

SELLER: Ted Allen
LOCATION: 245 7th Avenue, Chelsea, NYC
PRICE: $2,750,000
SIZE: 2,258 square feet, 2 bedrooms, 2.5 baths
DESCRIPTION: (The listing agent's website offered a virtual novel for a description, so Your Mama is going to shorten and paraphrase here.) Stunning, square shaped, sun flooded corner loft with 12 windows, 11' ceilings, open views and a newly renovated kitchen designed and built for a celebrity chef. The loft has two winged bedrooms and can easily be converted to a three bedroom. Media room features surround sound.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Your Mama will confess we do not watch the show on which this man plays on the Bravo (Queer Eye for a Straight Guy). There are several reasons for why we turn the channel when this show comes on. But the main reason has to do with how these mincers ride around in a big suburban and when they get where they're going they all jump out and RUN like they're doing a 100 yard dash at the Olympics. We find this running business both disturbing and unnecessary. We get they are running to some "fashion emergency" and it's supposed to be all Charlie's Angels or whatever. But boys, it's just silly. Please. Walk yourselves like dignified homosexuals in good shoes who do not care to break a sweat.

Anyhoo, the most likable of these fashion and lifestyle mavens, the be-speckled chef Mr. Ted Allen, has done sold off his loft in Chelsea, Manhattan's gay gay gay ghetto. Like so many main streamers who are looking for a little cool, Mr. Allen and his bofo, architect Barry Rice, have decamped to the B-K (Brooklyn) where they have purchased a townhouse in need of some serious fag magic.

The loft they're leaving behind is well located being across from Whole Foods, Jamba Juice and just up the street from FedEx/Kinkos. The well considered layout has loads of closet space (always a good thing for fashion conscious poofters) and a winged bedroom situation which is most excellent for privacy from guests or screaming children.

Your Mama is particularly loving the large entrance hall. We hate these places where you open the door right into the living room. We do not need every delivery person or nosy, door knocking neighbor to be seeing straight into our inner sanctum every time we open the damn door.

Ordinarily we do not care for the "loft style" where you have to be looking at the kitchen from everywhere you sit in the living room. But this layout works for us...mainly because the television watching area is tucked behind that lovely wood wall. This way you can leave the dirty dishes in the sink until after you're done watching that horrifying yet addictive show The Housewives of Orange County, which is also on the Bravo.

Your Mama is also liking the dining area tableau. Even though we recognize it's a little passe to do a display wall of all white things, and were absolutely unsure of the chairs, we are still thinking this area really works for us. And, of course, we love the antler chandelier, a classic, design fag staple.

Children, it is the bathroom we are truly questioning. And we know you are too. The listing says the baths have all been recently renovated with dee-luxe Carrara marble, but we're only seeing some ordinary white tile. But that's not the worst offense. That's right, it's the flamingo. We understand it's meant to be cute and "ironic," but Your Mama is just sickened by this kind of "irony." It might safely work in an apartment that expressed other bits of "irony," but this apartment is ab-so-lute-lee not playing that game. Messrs. Allen and Rice, we do not recommend repeating this flamingo mo-teef in your new townhouse.

Your Mama would like to wish Mr. Ted Allen and his Mister a happy new home in Brooklyn. And of course, let us know when you'd like Your Mama to come to dinner at the new place. We'll bring you some cupcakes from Billy's.

Sources: NY Observer, Rice Architects, Meisel Real Estate

Paul Anka's Silky Beverly Hills Retreat

SELLER: Paul Anka
LOCATION: Mulholland Estates, Beverly Hills
PRICE: $5,995,000
SIZE: 3 bedrooms, 5.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Celebrity owned Mediterranean that has been smartly redone with sophisticated style. The beautifully customized interior has a grand entry, high ceilings with the finest lighting, and oak floors with ebony stain throughout. Features include a gracefully proportioned living room with a lovely fireplace, spacious formal dining room overlooking the private pool and grassy yard. Family room with wet bar and customized mahogany bookcases and built ins, state of the art audio/video throughout property.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Located up Beverly Glen Boulevard, and accessed from Mulholland Drive, sits the tony enclave of Mulholland Estates where legendary crooner Paul Anka resides surrounded by a virtual army of Hollywood types. Your Mama hears residents of this guard-gated community of tightly packed mansions include British pop star Robbie Williams, Tom Arnold (who's house is also for sale in the $7,000,000 range), the lacquer-haired, mature blond bombshell Loni Anderson, Judge (Greg) Mathis, and Christina Aguilera, her husband Jordan Bratman and their big white Rolls Royce. It has been reported Shaquille O'Neal also bought a house in this community recently.

But children, do not get in your jalopies and head on up Mulholland Drive thinking you're going to be star fucking any of these folks. This is a gated community and you don't stand a chance of getting inside the gates to roam the streets and sidewalks looking for a face you recognize. And you shouldn't want to be doing that anyway 'cause that's just a stupid thing to do.

Public records for the property are a wee bit confusing children, so see put on your thinking caps and see if you can follow. In 2003 Mr. Paul purchased this house through his Diana Trust for $2,650,026 from a woman named Chandrika. But then it appears the house was transferred again in January of 2005 to the Diana Trust by this Chandrika woman with a mortgage very close to the 2003 selling price. What we do know is this Chandrika woman is a psychiatrist with a practice up in Bakersfield, California--a sprawling, dusty, tract-home infested oil town about 90 miles north of Beverly Hills. What we don't know is if there is or was any romantic relationship between Mr. Paul and this woman which might explain the multiple and confusing transfers. Any of you children out there know anything we should know about this?

Anyhoo, Mr. Paul's house sits on a triangular-shaped lot with roads on two sides. But Your Mama is not seeing this as drawback as there's not much traffic up here. We're finding the interior a little "elegant" for our personal tastes, but we also think the house has been treated kindly by the decorator and overall has a tasteful, silky, and chic style befitting a celebrity in Beverly Hills. All those muted warm walls and gor-gee-us rugs are really quite lovely sitting atop the shiny, ebonized floors. We're also appreciating the cook-friendly kitchen with all the windows because, you know, nobody wants to be cooking in the darkness.

The backyard pool area seems a wee bit small for a house in this price range, but given there's a fairly expansive second floor deck, we'll let that go this time. Generally speaking we're not fond of pools in wacky shapes like this...there just seems like no need to shape the pool like this. We are also concerned about the number of toilets (6) that need to be cleaned in this house. You probably have to pay a girl extra to clean that many toilets every week.

On a side note, did the children know this man has five daughters all with names starting with the letter "a"? No offense to the Mister or the daughters, but Your Mama always finds these sorts of family naming conventions rather alarming. We grew up with a family whose names were Larry, Terry, Mary, Gary, Jerry, and Sherry and we just never know what to make of that.

Your Mama has no idea where Mr. Paul is moving or why this house is being sold. So let us know if you do.

Sources: Coldwell Banker, paulanka.com

Stone Cold Offering

SELLER: Stone Phillips
LOCATION: The Oliver Cromwell, 12 West 72nd Street, NYC
PRICE: $4,195,000 (maintenance: $3,029 / month)
SIZE: 2 bedrooms, 2.5 baths
DESCRIPTION: (shortened from listing agent's website) This 2 bedroom, 2.5 bathroom three level penthouse is a dazzling architectural gem...Enjoy sunsets over the river from the terrace...Entertain to your hearts delight on a 300 square foot planted terrace with outdoor sound system and spotlights on landmarked facade...State of the art kitchen...Wainscotted dining room wit leathr paneled walls...up to the minute audio visual system controlled room by room includes three lage HD flat screen televisions and additional flat screen TVs in master bath, dressing area and kitchen...Pets allowed.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: If any of you children out there are rich, well exercised, living in New York City, and looking for a place to live, please call the listing agent for this property. This poor woman over at Corcoran is having a devil of a time unloading this property. I know babies, it does not look like a dog, but it is. The price for this property started around $5,500,000 and has been whittled down to it's current asking price of $4,195,000. It is just a good thing this Stone Phillips has a good job over at the NBC, because he's losing his real estate shirt on this one.

Your Mama has been tracking this apartment for quite some time and for some reason we love it. We would never buy this place, but we are none the less, strangely, drawn to it.

First we will discuss the negatives.

1.) The location. Even though The Oliver Cromwell is a handsome building and is well located across from Central Park and the Dakota, where that kooky Yoko Ono lives, we would never live on the Upper West Side. Just a preference dollies, so don't all you UWSiders get yourself all up in a snit and start giving us grief.
2.) The stairs. All the children know Your Mama's lungs are weak and will not tolerate that amount of exertion. We have enough trouble navigating the spiral stairs in our own duplex, so much as we like this apartment, we can not do a triplex. No. No. No.
3.) The view. The listing states there are "dramatic" views of Central Park...but we're not convinced. According to the wee map arrow thingy on the floor plan, that terrace faces west-ish, towards the Hudson River. For this amount of money for a two bedroom apartment, most buyers will want to face the park, not New Jersey.
4.) The dining room. We don't mind the smallish size...in fact Your Mama likes to take meals in a cozy location. It's the leather walls. It sounds interesting and luxe and very decoratorish, but it also sounds as if it would be like dining inside someone's handbag. Do you think the walls still smell like hide?

We said earlier we were drawn to this apartment, so let Your Mama tell you what we do like about this apartment.

1.) The living room. With windows on three sides, this room ensures plenty of light and lovely cross breezes on warm days.
2.) The powder room. We always appreciate a powder room which enables guests to do their business without their hosts having to listen to the action.
3.) The master bedroom. This private aeriee occupies an entire floor of its own within the apartment, includes a generous dressing area and a bathroom with a specatular vista.
4. The terrace. You know Your Mama loves a terrace almost as much as we love our our own family.

For the record, Your Mama made efforts to contact to listing agent, but she did not reply so we're taking that as a "no comment."

Sources: Corcoran, The Observer, olivercromwell.org, nndb

Andre Balazs Sells SoHo Set-up

SELLER: Andre Balazs
LOCATION: 158 Mercer Street, SoHo, NYC
PRICE: $10,000,000 (maintenance and tax $5,477 per month)
SIZE: 3,882 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 3.5 baths
DESCRIPTION: (shortened from the listing agent's website) ...private floor loft in one of the only full service condo buildings in the neighborhood...High ceilings, historic columns and a wood burning fireplace...a 50' wide span of windows (in the living room).

NOTE: the Real Estalker posted this apartment back in early December, but we did not do a good job commenting, nor did we include the floor plan, so we're going to give it another go.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: We love Mr. B's hotels: the Raleigh in South Beach, the Chateau Marmont in LA, the Mercer in NYC, and Sunset Beach on Shelter Island. But we're a little mixed about the apartment houses in NYC: the glass boxes of 40 Mercer and the unfortunately named William Beaver House way downtown. None-the-less Mr. Balazs hs style coming out his pores as you can see in the photos of his personal residence (although it is unclear to Your Mama whether the Mister is still occupying this apartment.)

Your Mama is just not so keen on SoHo anymore. Have any of your children been there lately? Sure, there are loads of lovely cast iron buildings, cobble stone streets, and some cute shoppy-shops. But there is also a Bloomingdales and a Sephora. Not to mention Old Navy and Pottery Barn. Listen, Your Mama does not pine for the days when SoHo was a wasteland of artist lofts and homeless people, but this suburban mall environment just does not sit well with us.

So while we are loving the design and decor of Mr. Andre Balazs' downtown pad, we're just not onboard with the location. We prefer to walk our bitches Linda and Beverly in a less middle-brow commercial zone where there are fewer tourists from Iowa who think there "on the edge" because they're shopping in SoHo. Please.

Anyhoo, the apartment was clearly designed for Mr. Balasz when he had a wife and family. Mr. B's ex-wife is Katie Ford of Ford Models. and they have a couple of girl chill-rins. Back in the day, when Your Mama was making an effort to slim down, Ms. Ford and I used to share a trainer at the now defunct David Barton gym in SoHo.

Here's what Your Mama is digging...the fireplace and bookshelves...we like the juxtaposition in textures here. We'd probably go with a larger and more down-filled sofa, but we got no real beef with the aged leather thing Mr. B's decorator chose.

We are also drawn to that platform sitting area. This looks like the perfect location to lay back pasha style and let your assistant serve you a lunch of hummus and babaganoush. Right?

The his and her (his/his, her/her, whatever) closets in the master bedroom are no doubt quite useful, but we're not sure about the climbing plant in the bathroom. Your Mama's mama used to drink in bars decorated like this in the early 1980s so that might be contributing to our negative perspective a little.

What do the children think?

Shaq's Shack

SELLER: Shaquille O'Neal
LOCATION: Star Island, Miami, Florida
PRICE: $35,000,000
SIZE: 19,440 square feet, 8 bedrooms, 11 full and 3 half baths

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: We don't have a description from the listing agents so Your Mama will give you a brief run-down. Located on gated Star Island, the property spans two lots and covers about two and a half acres of landscaped, waterfront grounds. The nearly 20,000 square foot Mediterranean style house includes a pool, tennis court, dock, 2-bedroom guest house and, of course, an indoor basketball court.

You all probably know who this Shaquille person is, but all Your Mama knows is he plays basketball. Anything else is a miss-ter-ee to us. We did call our sports minded pal Fiona Trambeau out in San Francisco to give us the low-down on this man, but she was too busy "entertaining" to be able to talk to Your Mama, so we're going to have to stick to the facts of the real estate only.

Mr. Shaquille bought this home through a trust in 2004 for $18,800,000 according to public records. He then turned around and listed the property less than one year later for $32,000,000. A short time later, the house was taken off the market. And then it was put back on the market in late 2006...for $3,00o,000 more than before! Yes children, this man thinks he's entitled to a $16,000,000 profit after less than three years of owning the home. Your Mama is sorry, but that just seems greedy to us. We know the real estate has been insane in Miami the last few years, but it has not been this insane.

Star Island, a man-made, pill-shaped island floats in the Biscayne Bay--which separates mainland Miami from oceanfront Miami Beach--and contains just 35 home sites. This private, gated, super-secure enclave is accessed by the Macarthur Causeway. For all the children out there not lucky enough to be familiar with Miami, this causeway drops you onto Fifth Street near southern tip of South Beach. Star Island has a history of housing the rich and famous (i.e. Madonna, Sylvester Stallone, Al Capone) and it's current residents include Cuban bongo-beater Gloria Estefan, crooner Julio Inglesias, and that crazy Rosie O'Donnell along with her lady-friend Kelly and their expanding brood of children.

The property is listed through a couple of pretty blond gals at Coldwell Banker who market themselves as "the Jills." Yes babies, they're both named Jill. Cute, right? According to the listing information provided by the Jills, the taxes on this property are a faint-inducing $528,033 per year so you know the new homeowner needs to be making some serious paper to afford this house.

Mister Shaq's Mediterranean manse was built in 1992 and sits near the northwest tip of the island. Your Mama has no beef with the location or architecture of the house, but we are not impressed with the interior appointments. The kitchen manages to look both bland and unfriendly. And children, you know there is nothing right about the choice to paint the kitchen walls flesh color. Ever.

We are also not comfortable with the living room furniture. No doubt the Mrs. Shaquille's decorator charged her a small fortune for the sofas, sideboards and settees, but to Your Mama, this stuff looks like it was purchased at some furniture outlet High Point, North Carolina. We have no issue with Mr. Shaquille, his wife, or their family. We blame the decorator. After seeing how the decorator has blasphemed and insulted the house, Your Mama now understands why the O'Neals have being trying to unload this place practically since the day they moved in.

Sources: Real Estate Journal, Alex Shay, the Jills (Coldwell Banker)

Guess? Who's House This Is

SELLER: Georges Marciano
LOCATION: 1000 N. Crescent Drive, Beverly Hills
PRICE: $28,000,000
SIZE: 23,306 square feet, 10 bedrooms, 14 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Former Harry Cohn (co-founder of Columbia Pictures) estate. Incredible "Old Hollywood" Italianate mansion. Designed by John Farquhar in 1927. Completely restored and impeccably maintained to retain its original charm and character. Grand two story entry, spectacular living room, formal dining room, family room, and professional 35mm screening room. Over two acres of manicured grounds, spectacular pool, championship tennis court, and much more. Last of its kind available. All clients much be pre-qualified.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: This Beverly Hills extravaganza does not belong to a movie star or even an industry bigwig. No babies, this is the house the 1980s designer denim craze bought. It was confirmed to the Real Estalker by a little bird in Los Angeles, that Georges Marciano, co-founder of the Guess? fashion empire, has called this pile home since the late 1980s.

Before getting to the house, Your Mama wants the children to have a little history lesson about the Marciano clan and the Guess? brand. Lawhd children, the business end of this family's life is like a story line from one of Your Mama's favorite daytime soap programs. Moroccan born and raised in France, the Marciano clan emigrated to Los Angeles in 1981-82 and opened a clothing store in Beverly Hills. It is reported the the four brothers (Georges, Maurice, Armand, and Paul) left France in order to avoid a tremendous tax bill they didn't want to pay (but eventually settled in 1986).

Almost immediately these entrepreneurial brothers jumped on the designer denim wave and were pushing high end, European style jeans at Bloomingdales and other high end retail outlets. The business exploded and the brothers got rich. In 1983, overwhelmed with the expanding business, needing capital and inexpensive manufacturing options, the Guess? brand sold 50% ownership to Jordache. That deal went sour and the Marcianos spent 5 long years in litigation in order to have control of the company returned to them.

About this time, along comes Anna Nicole Smith and the rest is advertising history. However, even with the empire expanding at an exponential rate, Georges wanted out...claiming differences in the direction of the company. In 1993, he reportedly sold his 40 percent share of the company to the other brothers for an estimated $200,000,000. Boggles the mind babies. According to his own personal website, Mr. Marciano now invests in "major real estate holdings" and counts his money. Well, his website did not say he counts his money, but Your Mama knows he do.

Now, on to the house...located smack in the middle of Beverly Hills, where the flats turn into the hills, this two acre property is spitting distance to the Beverly Hills Hotel. This is a convenient location for stumbling home from those liquid lunches at the Polo Lounge.

Your Mama would like the children to note the plastic covering the carpet on stairs in the entrance hall. We know that carpet probably cost more than a BMW, and the plastic is an effort to keep high-end house-hunter shoe dirt from getting on the rug, but hunnies, that is not a good idea. Please. This house has a price tag of $28,000,000. No one wants to be slipping and sliding on the stairs while shopping in this price range.

Your Mama would also like y'all to have a look at the kitchen. No offense intended to the Marciano family, but this kitchen is a classic case of how NOT to do it. The floor looks like linoleum and the whole business just looks like something in a big suburban house in Missouri. This room hurts Your Mama's eyes and soul.

But children, that swimming pool is dee-vine. Imagine strapping on your bikini and having your pool boy serve you a fresh avocado and tomato salad for lunch out there.

In the interest of covering all the bases, the public records for this property show the house at 14,000 square feet (rather than 23,000 as the listing shows), and as having 8 bedrooms and 9 bathrooms. Your Mama is not sure why the discrepancy but we're inclined to believe the listing information as public records are often incorrect or plain old wrong.

The listing agents over at the ultra posh Westside Estate Agency have provided an extensive virtual tour for all the curious children out there so run on over and have a look-see. Be sure to let Your Mama know what y'all think of the price.

Sources: Westside Estate Agency, answer.com, georgesmarciano.com

A Little Blog-love

Hunnies, Your Mama would like to thank a few folks and blogs that made our first San Francisco week a roaring success. In no particular order: sfist (for an amazing plug and post), city-mama, Fiona Trambeau (she may be a slut, but she knows her balls), curbed SF (all the curbed sites are amazing children, so git on over and read 'em), the gilded moose (one of Your Mama's favorite blogs), and of course glitterati gossip (because this kind lady always links us up), and gossipmomma too. You all know how your Mama's mind is going, so we've probably left some folks out, but we'll amend that when we remember.

Andre Agassi Sells At A Loss

SELLER: Andre Agassi / Steffi Graf
LOCATION: Gilmartin Drive, Tibouron, CA
PRICE: $20,000,000 (sale price)
SIZE: 10,500 square feet (main house), 2,500 square feet (staff house)
DESCRIPTION: (modified from listing agent's website) 3.5 acres of landscaped, park-like grounds; Main house built in 1976, remodeled and expanded from 1988 through 1998. Two pools, three spas, hydrotherapy waterfall, hot-tub and cold tub, steam room, stream, outdoor fireplace, built in barbecue, level lawn for golf practice; Additional detached buildings include guest quarters/office and/or gym, tennis court and cabana, pool bar, four bedroom, four bath staff house with separate gated entry. Property offers 11 bedrooms, eleven full and 2 half baths; separate, contiguous half-acre view lot included in sale.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Now this is the sort of excess Your Mama has come to expect when considering the mountains of money professional athletes earn nowadays. Children, do not mistake this expectation for some kind of judgement, because Your Mama is not going there with this one. We do not begrudge the tremendous incomes of athletes any more than we do the income of any other stupendously rich person. Mr. Andre Agassi and his lady are a class act all the way and they have earned every penny they have. Their poor bodies are falling apart as proof.

It is said Mr. Agassi wanted to purchase this estate, called "Round Hill," back in the 1990s when he was all tied up with that long-haired Brooke Sheilds lady. But apparently the former Calvin Klein model/ack-tress hated this place and discouraged him from buying. Some years later, Mr. Andre has himself a new wife and family, and the property becomes available again. He snaps it up lickety-split paying a shocking $23,000,000. Paradise found.

However, much as Mr. Andre and Ms. Steffi love and enjoy this property, the busy schedules of he and the missus do not allow them to spend much time. Their financial advisors, accutely aware of the arm and leg it costs to maintain a little-used house, advise them to sell. So only about two years after purchasing, the house goes back on the market for $24,500,000. The listing agents claim there were a number of celebrities and other high-profile folks that came and looked but, "They didn't understand what was there and what could potentially be there." Hmmm. All due respect, that just seems like some realtor-rationalization to Your Mama Maybe these monied looky loos just did not like the house, the location, or the price.

Over the next 3.5 years, the asking price is lowered several times. Then, in mid-2006 the price is lowered to $21,000,000 and a few months later it finds a buyer. The new owner is reportedly San Francisco based hedge fund honcho Stuart Peterson, and the deal is supposed to close the first week in January 2007 for a purchase price of $20,000,000. This figure is substantially less than Mr. Andre purchased the house in 2001. That should tell you something about the annual cost of maintaining this property.

By some accounts, the decor and details of the house are a bit outdated, and this apparently deterred more than a couple potential buyers. But Your Mama thinks it's more likely the maintenance this property requires. We have to wonder why anybody might want or need two swimming pools, three spas and a hot tub, not to mention the cold plunge, a stream, and that hydrotherapy waterfall. Lahwd babies, what in the world is that anyway? It is no wonder this property has a gigantic house for staff. You probably need two full time pool boys just to maintain all the water features on this property.

Now that this property has sold, the Agassi/Graf clan spend the bulk of their newly retired time at their primary residence in Las Vegas where there is a school named after him and where the Andre Agassi Charitable Foundation is based. The listing agents over at super brokerage Decker Bullock created a big website for this property, but we expect it won't be online too much longer.

Sources: Marin Independent Journal, statesman.com, San Francisco Chronicle, Decker Bullock

Moises Alou Who?

SELLER: Moises Alou
LOCATION: Noe Street, San Francisco
PRICE: $1,949,000
SIZE: 2,300 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 2.5 baths
DESCRIPTION: Rebuilt in 2005. Panoramic views of downtown SF and East Bay. Top open floor plan ideal for entertaining, panoramic view deck off the living room and landscaped slate patio off the kitchen. The kitchen includes: Wolf 6-burner stove, Thermador oven, built in Sub Zero refrigerator and Fisher Paykel dishwasher. Living room boats high ceilings and a romantic fireplace. Master suite with gas fireplace and bath with soaring ceilings. Limestone counters and floors. Two car garage, side by side parking.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Your Mama would like to confess: we do not know anything about baseball other than it involves bats, balls and a triangular shaped playing field. When we read this man was selling his house we drew a total blank. Who? He plays what position?

So Your Mama got right on the horn and called up our San Francisco sidekick Fiona Trambeau for some 411 on this man with the unusual name. Lawhd children, Fiona Trambeau is crazy in all kinds of ways, but top of that list is ball crazy. Fiona talked a blue streak about this man. Just about the only things we can recall are this man plays in the outfield, and has swung and caught in Chicago, New York and now in San Francisco where his daddy, Felipe Alou, was at one time a team manager. Typically, Miss Trambeau also ran her mouth about how good he looks and how nice his booty is, but that's just standard issue trash talk from Fiona and a different sort of story angle altogether babies.

Anyhoo, this Moises Alou is married to a woman named Austria–do y'all think this is her real name, 'cause Your Mama has never heard of anyone named after that par-tick-ular European country before–and they have lived out in family friendly Noe Valley for the last couple of years in this rather modest house. Your Mama has to say, after years of watching all the flash and excess that seems to go along with multi-million dollar sports contracts, we were somewhat surprised to see a professional ball player show some real estate restraint.

This house, rebuilt from the ground up in 2005, climbs up the side of a hill in three stories. The ground level contains a 2 car side by side garage...and all you San Franciscans know the value of a side by side...and an entrance foyer. Up the stairs and the second floor contains the bedrooms and bathrooms, three and two respectively. Up more stairs and you arrive at the open plan living/dining/kitchen area that includes big views and a little terrace.

Your Mama is not sure we have the lung power to be climbing all these stairs day in an day out, dragging the vacuum up and down, running after the kids. But we do like that kitchen with all the windows, and there's nothing Your Mama likes more than a lovely South facing terrace for her bitches to sun themselves.

It is unclear whether Mr. Alou and wifey are leaving the Bay Area or just moving house. However, back in November, the sports friendly blog sfist reported Alou is out of there, at least as a team player. Any San Francisco sport fans out there know what the latest skinny is, be sure to let Your Mama know.

Sources: real estate journal, sfluxe, sfarmls, sfist, fiona trambeau

Real Estate Pornography V, San Francisco Style

SELLER: Gladyne Kenderine Mitchell
LOCATION: 2901 Broadway, San Francisco
PRICE: Unknown
SIZE: 5 bedrooms, 2 staff bedrooms, 7 full and 1 half bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: No description provided by listing agents.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: First of all, Your Mama wants the children to know the furniture shown in these photos does NOT belong to the homeowner. Babies, don't go knocking Ms. Mitchell over the choices of couches and cupboards or for that disturbing and ostentatious Louis Vuitton headboard in the master bedroom. See, prior to coming to market, this house had some severe cosmetic challenges and was done up by some of San Francisco's best design divas to make it look good for a charity benefit last September.

The Italianate palazzo covers an astounding half a city block in blue blood Pacific Heights. This centrally located section of the City is positively crawling with San Francisco plutocrats including Hales, Haases and Gettys, as well as the Steel/Traina clan. Children, if you don't already know, San Francisco high society is every bit as exclusive, patrician, and filthy rich as those found in New York and Palm Beach. And don't you forget it hunny.

Of course, all these fancy folks need someplace nice to live. Fortunately, untold numbers of behemoth and ornate mansions cling to the hills and valleys of this small city. But few compare to the Mitchell manse. Built in 1925, it was purchased in 1944 by drugstore tycoon Mitchel L. Mitchell for...hold on to your wigs babies...$93,000. (The current owner is the daughter of Mr. Mitchell.) Rumors abound in real estate and upper crust circles across the Bay Area the list price for this fixer-upper hovers around $75,000,000, but no one, least of all the listing agents, will confirm that number.

Last fall, SFLuxe, a blog about all things blue-blooded in the City, had an anonymous tipster who has been in the house write in with some interesting tidbits about the condition of the property. Apparently Ms. Mitchell has not kept the house up-to-date over the years and prior to it's $1,000-a-ticket charity ball makeover, the interior of the house was wreckage--and some areas still are. This tipster claims the reason there are no photos of the bathrooms or kitchens is they are worn out relics of the past with "linoleum! cracked tiles!" and, "orange counter tops!" Although orange is our favorite color, this is certainly not what Your Mama, or any buyer paying upwards of $50,000,000 for a home, might expect.

Reports say the house is around 10,000 square feet, but much of that square footage, according to the tipster, is taken up by a warren of rooms behind and on the two floors above the garage level. These rooms are dark, unpleasant storage and staff areas mostly but also include a few public rooms such as a library.

Another drawback to this urban palace is the stairs. The house is equipped with an elevator from garage level to bedroom level, which is great for the staff bringing up the groceries, but the guests are going to be having a heart attack climbing up to the front door. If dinner is at eight, you better start up these steps at about seven fifteen. And if you're wearing heels, bring some sneakers you can stash in the bushes once you arrive at the top.

For all it's quirks and conditions, Your Mama thinks the house is really quite impressive and has loads of positives too. All the white collar spor-teef children out there will swoon with desire when discovering the most significant feature of this property...a regulation sized tennis court for a backyard. Yes babies, this unusual feature is quite possibly the only private tennis court in all of San Francisco.

The interior may need updating and some smoothing out of the rough edges, but babies, look at the bones to this house. Imagine sweeping down that staircase and floating across that marble floor. It's a bit difficult to see in these photos, but the view from the upper floors is the sort of view only San Francisco can provide...Golden Gate bridge, Alcatraz, the bay, and the rooftops of all the less fortunate in the quicksand flats of the Marina District.

New York may be the hard driving financial capital of the U-nited States. And Los Angeles may be the mild weathered home of celebrities (and celebretards). But puppies, there's just something about all those quirky, shabbily genteel houses in San Francisco that make Your Mama's heart go pitter patter.

For as long as it's left up, more photos and floor plans can be found at the website set up by the listing agents, so git on over there while you can.

Sources: sfluxe, Marin Independent Journal, and San Francisco Business Times

Whitney Saves Her House

Babies, we're sorry to have to bust into our lovely San Francisco postings, but Your Mama wants to get all the children informed on some breaking news about recovering superstar Whitney Houston. Oh Lawhd children, we all know the troubles this woman has had over the last 10 years so we're just not going to go into all that stuff.

What Your Mama would like to discuss here is the much reported foreclosure on Whitney's New Jersey estate (pictured above from the air). The first thing all the children should know is Miss Whitney owed $1,235,961 and 71 cents in back taxes and mortgage payments on property in New Jersey. This amount can be verified by viewing the sales pages on the Morris County Sheriff's website.

However, according to a November 15th report, the property that was to be auctioned off to remedy this tax problem was not the actual estate, but rather an adjacent property. The adjacent property was scheduled to go to auction on the 4th of January, 2007. But is seems Miss Whitney (or perhaps a benefactor like Clive Davis?) settled the account with the tax man and the property will not be sold at auction. This can also be verified by having a look-see at the Morris County Sheriff's website where it is marked "Cancelled - Settlement."

It remains to be seen whether Miss Whitney will keep this mammoth, modern estate now that she's a single momma and spending most of her time getting her act together in Los Angeles. However, Your Mama predicts we will indeed see this property come to the market in the next 6 or 8 months. It costs a small king's ransom to maintain a property like this and no doubt Miss Whitney will want to put all that Bobby Brown business behind here by selling on this house of reality television horrors.

Anyone who knows Your Mama knows we never personally cared for Miss Whitney's brand of caterwauling, but that does not mean we ever took any glee in the possibility she was going to be tossed out on her keister. Even crazy singer ladies with issues need a place to call home. So congratulations Miss Whitney and Your Mama hopes you find some peace in 2007.

Larry Ellison's Japanese Freak Out

SELLER: Larry Ellison
LOCATION: 96 Isabella Avenue, Atherton, CA
PRICE: $16,000,000
SIZE: approx. 1.75 acres, 8,000 square feet, 7 bedrooms, 7.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: (shortened from listing agent's website) An exquisite expression of the guiding principle of Japanese aesthetics...Abundant windows and sliding glass doors with pocket shoji screens open to the exquisitely landscaped grounds...The elegant and flowing floor plan...is arranged over two levels, highlighted by a sumptuous master suite with a fireplace and two full bathrooms. The outstanding grounds include an authentic Japanese tea house, exquisite Japanese strolling gardens with decks, ponds, waterfalls, koi pond, an in-ground spa and a dark-bottom swimming pool rimmed with boulders that melds into the landscape.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Lahwd children, Your Mama's mind is boggled and bewildered at the amount of swanky real estate this man has acquired, improved and renovated all over the state of California in the last few years. Of course, when you are number four on the Forbes 400 with a net worth in excess of 19 billion dollars, you have a little money to toss around on the real estate.

This property, sitting smack in middle of one of the most expensive zip codes in all of the U-nited States, was first put up for sale in March 0f 2005 for a jaw dropping $25,000,000. In a 2005 article on cnn.com, the listing agent, a Ms. Mary Gullixson of Alain Pinel Realty, claims there was a flurry of interested and "very, very well-qualified" buyers who came a-running to see the place right away. But children, we all know how buyers can be. As qualified as they may have been, they were also fickle and probably just plain nosy. So without a buyer, the price has been lowered to a more reasonable $16,000,000 over the last 18 months.

The house, originally built in the 1960s, was purchased by the flamboyant CEO in 1987 for around $6,000,000. And as you can see babies, he proceeded to turn what was once a somewhat modest ranch home into a full-on Japanese freak out, dumping a truckload of money in the process.

In addition to twisting the house up into a serene and contemporary version of a traditional Japanese dwelling, Ellison had the gardens ripped out and replaced with oodles of Japanese specimen trees and foliage. By all accounts and photos, the gardens are beyond compare. Your Mama does not even want to think about the grounds keeping bill. Just about every room has views of or opens to the mammoth koi pond. The property is gated, of course, and the house includes an attached 2-car garage, music room, office, and two traditional tatami rooms. There is the requisite heated pool and a clay tennis court to complete the property.

Now babies, we don't want to appear to be a hater or a bitter-betty because we don't have a Japanese tea house of our own, but Your Mama is not sure we approve of the furniture choices Mr. Ellison's decorator has made here. Those high-backed dining room chairs make our backs ache just to look at them, and those couches, while comfortable looking, are just so beige. We can only hope they're covered in some sweet and soft velvet to make up for their aggressive ordinariness.

Now kids, this software magnate, co-founder and top man at Oracle, does not live in this house anymore, so there is no need to be driving up and down the streets of Atherton hoping to catch a glimpse of the bearded billionaire. See, not only did he Japanify this property, he has spent the last six or seven years building an even more lavish Japanese-style spread up the road in Woodside. These new digs, his current home, spread over 23 meticulously and obsessively landscaped acres. It is said to be one of the most expensive (and valuable) private residences in the country. Your Mama will continue to spread the common rumor this billionaire has spent close to $200,000,000 building and landscaping the property. But that sounds like a crazy number to us and we imagine is just has to be closer to $100,000,000.

Mr. Ellison has not limited his real estate rampage in the Bay Area. Oh no. He has been snapping up properties left and right in Malibu, California. Children, hold on to your wigs now, because Your Mama is about to blow your minds. It is reported this man has purchased at least 12 properties in Malibu worth more than $180,000,000. This includes a staggering $65,000,000 he spent in one fell swoop on five contiguous ocean front properties on Carbon Beach...the most expensive and exclusive section of ocean frontage in Malibu.

And if all that was not enough extravagance to make your head spin right off your body, Mr. Ellison currently owns the longest privately owned boat in the world. At 454 feet long, and christened the Rising Sun, building this boat cost Mr. Ellison more than the Gross National Product of many-a small countries: a shocking $194,000,000 according to leaked papers from his accountant. People, this boat is significantly longer than a football field, looks more like a Carnival Cruises ship than a private boat and likely costs upwards of $20,000,000 per year to maintain. There are heaps of credible reports that Mr. Ellison is selling or has already sold this boat for an astounding $200,000,000, which of course would just barely cover his construction costs. Your Mama can only point to children towards speculation as to why someone would go through the trouble and expense to build a monster boat like this only to sell it on just one year later.

Boat or no boat, Mr. Ellison has some serious money for all you children to ponder and work to get your minds around as you hop into your hoopty vehicles and head on down to the Wal-Mart.

Sharon and Phil's Former Love Nest

SELLER: Sharon Stone / Phil Bronstein
LOCATION: 25 Avenue North, San Francisco
PRICE: sale price, close to $15,000,000
SIZE: approx. 10,000 square feet, 5+ bedrooms, 8 full, 2 half bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Settle down children. We know all you real estate junkies out there already know this property sold a looong time ago. But babies, not everyone in the world has seen photos of the house OR the actual floor plans. So just relax. The listing agent for this property provided such an extensive description of the house and property, there is just no way we can include it entirely, so we're just gonna hit some of the highlights.

The house, built in 1908, was one of the first properties to be developed in the hyper-expensive Seacliff area of San Francisco. Seacliff boasts some of San Francisco's most dramatic and expansive views of the Golden Gate Bridge, the Marin Headlands and a long stretch of rugged shoreline. Like so many of the homes of rich and famous, this house was once inhabited by another rich and famous person. In this case, Mrs. Phoebe Hearst, mother of publishing tycoon William Randolph Hearst.

Ms. Stone purchased this oceanfront property in 1998 for about $6,000,000 and moved her loony and glamorous ass in with that hunky, facially-haired husband of hers, newspaperman Phil Bronstein. Of course, they're famously dee-vorced now, but at one time, this house was where they let their love flow.

To be honest, Your Mama is often less than impressed with the homes of rich people--so much money, and too often, so little taste. But not with this house. Your Mama says the house is gor-gee-us from basement to rafters. Ms. Stone clearly made an excellent choice when she hired her gay decorator. Okay well, we don't really know if the decorator is a homosexual, but we are talking about San Francisco, right?

Anyhoo, we would like to direct all the children to the second floor to have a look-see at the master suite. Now, this is the way to live, right babies? Notice the fireplace in the bedroom area, the TWO deluxe dressing rooms with ocean views, and of course, TWO bathrooms. Please also take note there are no shared walls with any of the other bedrooms, so we're talking absolute privacy here.

Please also note the number of toilets in the house. You can not walk 10 feet or turn a corner in this house without running into another bathroom. If you live here, you need a girl whose only responsibility is to scrub down all those toilets. Not only do each of the bedrooms have their own private pooper, there are several additional, discreetly located powder rooms for those folks not lucky enough to have been invited to spend the night.

People can say what they want about Sharon Stone and her wacky ways. And they do. However, Your Mama would like all the children to note how casual, comfortable, and inviting this house looks. All those delicious, velvet covered down sofas and the big, cozy kitchen just make Your Mama soft in the head and weak in the knees. You know a house outfitted like this can not belong to some uptight bee-hatcha. No. Under all that lacquered Hollywood exterior of Ms. Stone, clearly beats the heart of a warm and fuzzy woman.

Also of note with this property is the die-rect access to Baker Beach, one of San Francisco's largest, sunniest, and busiest beaches. Most people think of San Francisco as being cold, damp and foggy. And it certainly can be. But, when the sun comes out, all the clothes come off here at Baker Beach. Yes hunnies, this beach has a large nudie area on the north end. A little advice for the nekkidly inclined male visitor to Baker Beach...the water is icy cold, so best to consider the shrinkage factor before dipping your toes.

Of course, Ms. Stone has long ago moved on and moved back to Beverly Hills where, apparently, she's not sure quite where she'd like to settle. She's purchased a spectacular home up in the hills, but for one reason or another has decided not to move in and has put it back on the market (see post titled "Sharon Stone Flips Out"). Wherever she finally lands, Your Mama has no doubt it will be a home of exquisite taste, style, and comfort.

Your Mama Does San Francisco

Happy New Year to all the children out there!

This week we're going to be looking at and discussing homes of the rich and famous in lovely San Francicso. We got us some Sharon Stone, some Gavin Newsom, some Andre Agassi and more.

So stay tuned and check back soon because we'll start posting on Jan. 2.

Anyhoo, Your Mama is headed out now to start the New Year right by selling a cute little farmhouse to a couple of nice, young architects. We hope your year starts off as well babies.