Tuesday, June 26, 2007

An Orange County Housewife Cashes In

SELLERS: Donn and Vicky Gunvalson
LOCATION: Shire, Coto de Caza
PRICE: $3,750,000
SIZE: 5,400 square feet (approx.), 5 bedrooms, 6.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: None provided by the listing agent.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: All the reality television junkies out there will recognize this house as belonging to Vicky and Donn Gunvalson from The Housewives of Orange County program that played for two seasons on the Bravo. As you may recall from previous discussions, this show topped the list of Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter's television watching favorites. We could not get enough of these leather skinned and perky breasted rich ladies who struggled to keep their marriages and families afloat amid the suburban excesses of Coto de Caza, a gated community in the hills of Orange County, California, where even the teenagers drive brand new BMWs and Audis.

Vicky was the ditzy, driven, and exuberant control freak mommy who ran a very successful insurance company out of her house. Her website claims that bleached blondie is in the top 1% of agents nationwide, a very respectable achievement by any one's standards. Vicky also employed Lauri, another of the Housewives. That is until Lauri snagged herself a man with a Ferrari who bought her a Mercedes and no longer had to work to feed her naughty children.

Unlike Tammy's daughters, who seem to think they will be able to get by on their tanned skin and plastic boobies, Vicky and Donn's children are the only spawn of the Housewives bunch who had the good sense to let their parents pay for them to go to college. And don't even get me started on Jeana's baseball playing stud muffin of a son, his constant injuries, and questionable sexuality. We're not saying anything, we're just saying...

Anyhoo, now that the show is over and Vicky and Donn's children have flown the coop, the empty nesters have put their house on the market at $3,750,000, listed by none other than fellow Housewife babe and former Playboy model and ZZ Top video girl Jeana Keough.

The Gunvalson's bought the house in 2001 for $1,100,000 according to property records, so even if they have to accept considerably less than the asking price, they're looking at a couple million dollar windfall. Ka-ching.

Do we even need to tell the children that Your Mama would have to be paid $3,750,000 to live up in this gated community of rich white people? Seriously, are there any non-white people living in Coto?

As for the house? It's a mind numbingly ordinary, garden variety Southern California McMansion that has been decorated with expensive but cheap looking furniture. Because a nice gay decorator was not brought in from West Hollywood, the predominant color in the house appears to be beige. Beige. Just say that word a few times over in your mind. Beige.

The backyard swimming pool extravaganza is clearly the big draw for this house, particularly f you enjoy having a water park for a back yard. We've got a bbq center, water falls, spa, a grotto, and even a water slide that comes down through the boulders. Now, all the children know that Your Mama hates those backyard water slide abominations. Honestly. We do not want to hear from all the rich people with children and backyard water slides who think they're great. They're not. They're silly and ostentatious in the most middle brow sort of way. Call us a snotty snob. Call us child unfriendly. Call us jealous. Call Your Mama anything you want. But we are of the opinion that people should be publicly flogged for putting those things in their backyards.

Vicky and Donn have a weekend house at Lake Havasu where they visited a couple of times on the show. Lake Havasu is where the family turned loose and drank and boated. At the same time. Maybe they are going to move there to pursue a life of leisure? Could they be riding around in Jeana's Mercedes looking for a new mansion in Coto? Or maybe they're looking to downsize and move closer to the beach? Your Mama does not know, but wherever it is they land, we're quite sure it'll have a beige interior and be located in a gated community.

29 comments:

Anonymous said...

the only people who live in Coto are the people who can't afford to live in laguna / newport beach!

phoenix said...

As always Mama, your commentary is spot on. I can't stand those "backyard swimming pool extravaganzas" either. They look Fake with a capital F, the worst being those having rock formations the landscape equivalent to breast augmentation that try so hard to look natural but never quite make it. You took me aback with your musing about Jeana's baseball playing son, but got me thinking. It would fill in the blanks to some unanswered questions I had myself.

Anonymous said...

Coto is sickeningly wannabe and completely oblivious to the real world, which has so much more beauty, taste, and culture. A Mercedes S-Class only impresses the layman, in my opinion.

Mama, thanks for a hilarious if not dead-on description of this pathetic-ness.

Anonymous said...

Even though I wouldn't choose Coto de Caza to live in either, I'm not so sure about it being only for those who can't afford to live elsewhere. Lauri's fiance is filthy rich, and Jeana's combined assets far from preclude her from living in Laguna, Newport, or anywhere else in SoCal for that matter.

Anonymous said...

even this bluegrass girl thinks that the beige stage is over and outdated. And imo the pool is 1/2 mile from the house what's up with that?shg

Anonymous said...

laguna & newport have numerous properties at $30M, $40M, $65M .... In Coto the highest is around $20M .... This property here is pretty normal for the area, not impressive at all - just cheesy as hell & it must suck - all the ppl in laguna / newport totally look down on those from coto etc...

Anonymous said...

Count me feeling lucky I don't live in laguna / newport then because being California shallow and proud of it is about as dime a dozen common as being California suburban plastic is.

Anonymous said...

Mama, we love you and as phoenix said, your posts are indeed, ALWAYS spot on. Coto is your typical higher priced "gated community" that ceases to amaze me. We actually know a lot of people that live in gated communities in Arizona, and it's GAWD awful. I never understood paying premiums and extras for ugly-ass gates and the same color houses and five different floor plans to choose from, just to say that you live behind them. L-A-M-E.

Anonymous said...

I don't think the issue is coto, newport, or laguna. They are all located in suburban tract home hell. That be like my leaving manhattan for bergen county. Who would want to live such a place?

Anonymous said...

I'm brown and I live in Coto. Don't let the stupid show fool ya!

Anonymous said...

Lauri and her fiance do not live in Coto.

phoenix said...

I agree with most of what's written here regarding Coto's banality, but to 'look down' on it's residents, people you don't even know because of it, is just plain silly. A whole range of people from nothing short of wonderful to total duds exist at all socio economic levels.

Anonymous said...

This house is appalling. Loathe it. Ugh.

Anonymous said...

Vicki said last season that she and Don will be downsizing and paying cash for a smaller home in order to retire/travel.

Anonymous said...

Keep us posted when you hear where she's moving. We do love Vicki.

Anonymous said...

The show is completely fake, born and raised in OC and it is not like that...I personally know one of the people on it and it is a big publicity stint, considering everyone but a few are wannabe singers and actors...and Jo and Slade are the biggest fakes, considering she slept with Jeana's son...

Anonymous said...

Who cares if these women live in CDC or LGB or NPB, their homes are much nicer than any of the rest of the country, or world for that matter, will ever dream of having(even if they are so very beige with amusement park size pools). So stop being so darn jealous that they are getting the spotlight & you're not. Enjoy your ridiculous drama talk & dreams of becoming famous you materialistic fools...money obviously cannot make everyone happy. People take your money everytime you spend it to impress your ignorant friends. So sad. Talk about something REAL for a change and that definitely would not be CALI. Kisses Luv!

Anonymous said...

Your Mama raises a good point, where are the black people in this OC show?? I'm white, but I noticed a dearth of brothers and sisters, and I'm sure they exist out there. Does Brovo think they are not relevant, do the OC woman not socialize with people of color? I guess not. But, frankly most blacks of similar social economic status have more sense of style and better family values than these OC dimwits. It's probably best to show the world what poorly educated white people do once they get a few dollars. Blacks are exploited on BET for entertainment of whites, so its social justice for blacks to have Brovo to tune into to see what they are NOT missing by living the "OC lifestyle".

Anonymous said...

Got corn cobbs, will travel!

Anonymous said...

Your Momma, is it true that this house is now in forclosure and she is divorcing Don?

Anonymous said...

I've heard that Vicki Gunvalson is an insurance agent for AIG -- the same AIG that has received over $125 billion in taxpayer funds. She also attended the much publicized AIG junket at the St. Regis Hotel at Monarch Beach. Nice life if you can get it.

Anonymous said...

HIDDEN HILLS IS WHERE ITS AT!

carlsbadsue said...

After reading an interview she did, I realize that she doesn't even know how she comes across. She states that she welcomes other women but clearly, that isn't the case. I find her to be narcissistic, self-serving, arrogant and self-absorbed.

She thnks that by working (email) on her computer she gives the impression that she is a reall hard worker and although she may be....that is the rudest think I have ever seen. I blame the other girls too, for not addressing it. off camera though.

Her behavior at parties is just horrible and makes her out to be so very rude and mean spirited.
As you may note, Vicki is NOT a person I care about, nor am I able to watch her any longer and find myself changing the channel when she appears.
Just no my cup of tea.
As for her husband...I blame him, as we teach people how to treat us, so he needs to grow some.....you know whats.

Anonymous said...

Vicki Gunvalson IS a really hard worker! Let's see pictures of YOUR homes! She works hard for her money and has been able to provide an amazing life for her family whom she loves and cherishes.

Anonymous said...

I agree Vicki is a very hard worker. I just don't think she's a very nice person. It happened this last season when she befriended Tamra. Not a good decision, as it brought out the worst in Vicki. She seems very unkind and insensitive towards some of the other women. Aren't you a little old for high school antics Vicki? Turns out, Vicki and Tamra are REALLY UGLY PEOPLE!!!!!!!

carlsbadsue said...

Yes, Vicki, You ARE a very hard worker, however, that can't replace the fact that you are a very mean and controlling woman.. Do you think that when the time comes and you are on your death bed that your "houses" will give a damn about you? Not hardly. If you aren't careful, you won't have any people, that care about you, either.

Your work is only impressive to you. I don't choose my friends based on their success in business and I feel sorry that monetary success is more important to you than someone being a good, kind soul.
Have you ever watched yourself on tv? I challenge you to do so.

Anonymous said...

FYI Coto is not white flight ! There are several people of color such as famous rappers and pro athletes! Btw, Newport Coast is built on top of Irvine's LANDFILL ! OC is a beautiful county that has been contaminated by phony nuvo rich posers! Im glad their homes are being forclosed. Hopefully they will move back to the Riverside trailer park they came from ! ! !

jamal said...

Like its really said that the USA has to go to debt because ppl in calforina keep getting loans im not blaming it on caly its kind of every state i just want to say thank you for the ppl who didnt use a loan for a house

jamal said...

ITS SAID BECAUSE WE IN THE USA ARE IN DEBT BECAUSE PPL USE LOANS THAT ARE HUGE AND DONT RELIZE WAT THEIR DOING MOST LIKE COME OF THEM LOST THERE HOUSE CAUSE OF THIS SO ITS REALLY SAD