SELLER: Joseph and Justine Simmons
LOCATION: Saddle River, NJ
SIZE: 2.03 acres, 6 bedrooms, 6 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Located in the prestigious High Ridge section of Saddle River, this stately colonial exemplifies fine suburban living within the vicinity of New York City. Formal entertaining and gracious family living are splendidly accommodated in this classic colonial.
YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Late in the night Your Mama received an email from Mister Elvis Presley who excitedly tipped us off to this house up in the wild woods of suburban New Jersey. Do the children recognize the name Joseph Smith? No babies, we're not talking about the kooky founder of Mormonism, but another man of the cloth who goes by the name Rev Run.
The Queens raised Rev Run is the younger brother of hip hop mogul Russell Simmons. More impressively he was one of the founding fathers of hip hop having been the lead singer for the enormously popular 1980s trio Run D.M.C. Remember them children?
Recently the Rev, his family, and this big house were featured on a reality show called Run's House on the MTV. While Your Mama confesses to having a sickness for reality shows, Run's House was not one we watched regularly. But we did see enough of the program to tell you that our personal opinion is the house looks a lot better on the boob tube than it does in the photographs.
It appears from property records that the Rev and his wife purchased this house in 2003 for $1,600,000 which means they will be sitting on a gigantic pile of paper if they get anywhere near their $5,500,000 asking price.
The children may recall that Rev Run's brother Russell and his soon to be ex-wifey Kimora Lee also have their disturbingly opulent Saddle River house on the market, although that house is much larger and much more expensive.
Maybe we just don't understand suburban New Jersey money. But seriously children, Your Mama would need to be on a large dose of the Lexapro to live up in this house.
Do we start with the depressing dining room set that looks like something out of a Chinese food restaurant in Ohio? Or do we begin with that vast plain Jane family room with the sky-high ceilings? And the kitchen? Oh dear. Please do not get us started on the kitchen and those stools? Where would someone even buy stools like that? Seriously. Where?
It may be customary, and even expected, for a man of the Lord to have a giant crucifix on the hearth, but that thing scares the skin right off our body. Your Mama does not need to be looking at a man nailed to a big piece of wood while we're trying to have a romantic evening by the fire.
Children, Your Mama is conflicted about hating on this man's house because we sincerely think he's a good man who works hard to raise his big ass family. And even though we did not care for the reality show, it's clear those children are being taught decency and respect. So we want it known for the record that we give the Rev Run and his lady wife Justine all the props in the world for their stellar child rearing. Which is ultimately far more important than good decor.
But hunnies, please, go hire yourselves a nice gay decorator to get up in your next house and do something befitting of people of your stature. Rev Run you are going to be eligible to be inducted into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame in 2008, and it is our humble opinion that when that happens you need to be living in a crib that will not have folks furrowing their brow, scratching their head, and writing bitchy blogs like this.